Out of all the rooms in this house, I think Grandmother's dining room is the fanciest. She has very old, very valuable antiques littering the room and the walls. The china cabinet contains priceless family keepsakes, like great great grandmother Mable's wedding china, and Grandmother's own wedding keepsakes. Grandmother Mable's china has been passed down to the eldest daughter in each generation. Since my father was an only child, I think my mother was supposed to inherit it, in hopes that one day I would have a daughter of my own so it could be passed onto her. But I guess...I guess I'll have to do my own passing down now.

I lean my head against my fist, and push my peas and carrots around my plate. I haven't even touched my steak, and I feel bad because I know that Selma only made steak because she knows how much I love red meat. When I first got here she asked me to make a list of all the things I liked most to eat, because I guess she felt that I could use some cheering up. And I guess it helped a little, because everything on the list was stuff my mom made for me. But after a day like today, my appetite is basically nonexistent. I want to tell Grandmother I'm not hungry, but I'm sure she won't want to listen to my excuses. Grandmother is a no nonsense type of person, and what she says goes.

The rest of my day went exactly as I thought it would. After lunch ended, I went to my French class, hoping that it would go a little bit better than my other classes had. I figured it might, because fourth year language classes are mostly for the die hard students that want to know the material, or for the students that speak it. I speak it, so that's why I took it. But five minutes into the class, I quickly realized that none of the other kids were fluent, they were simply conscientious. They passed the other three years because they tried and studied and did their homework. As if the class wasn't remedial enough, who should I have seen walk in three minutes after the bell rang, but my cheerleadin' gal. Yeah, she came in all high and mighty with a couple of her little cheerleading girlfriends. At first I thought ‘wait...maybe she'll talk to me and introduce me to her friends'. And so I waved at her, but she didn't acknowledge me. She looked right through me, and headed to the back of the classroom to sit with the other jocks and ‘cool‘ people. I felt so stupid for thinking that she'd changed her attitude between periods. I can't trust anybody in this world.

The French professor is cool. She went around the classroom and asked each student a question in French, and I think she knew that most of them wouldn't know how to answer her. A few of them did of course, but not nearly enough to please her. I think that's why, when she called on me and I responded to her with an answer and another question, her face lit up like the Eiffel Tower does during Fête Nationale. The rest of the class looked at me like I was crazy or something, but I didn't care. It was a time to show her what I was capable of, and I'm glad I did it. When class was over, the professor pulled me aside and asked me if I'd be interested in being a tutor, and even though I was flattered, I told her I would have to think about it. I don't know what I'm going to have time for this year, because I have to start filling out my college applications soon and take care of some financial things I have going on. But it would be cool though. I'm sure I'd be able to make a couple of friends that way.

My Environmental Science class was the last one of the day, and also the most disappointing. I was expecting it to be new and exciting, because I love science and there is always something new you can learn from it. But I forgot to remember the important fact that I go to public school now. Yes, slow moving public school that teaches material that I learned two years ago. We even have the same book program that Harding did, and so now...I'm going to spend half the year being bored out of my mind when I should be learning new, interesting things. I mean yeah, it's an easy A, but I'm one of those weirdo's who hates an easy A. I like challenges. I like learning and finding out things and producing results to the best of my ability. But I can't do it in this class.

Oh yeah, she's in that class too. And oh yeah, she ignored me that time too.

I don't know why I let her bug me so much. It was only the first day of school and I have yet to find out what her name is. I only know that the jock guy hates me because I looked at her the wrong way, and that she likes to play mind games with me when she‘s without her friends, and ignore me the rest of the time. If I was back home, and at Harding, I know I would just laugh it off. But this is different. I'm new, I'm alone and I'm uncomfortable. When I met her at her house the other day, I thought I'd made a friend...somebody I could talk about my problems with. But no. No, life can't be that easy. It's been going downhill since I left home, and it will continue to go down hill as long as I keep thinking about her. I need to just forget it. But damn it, there's just something about that girl...

"I want you to eat all of your vegetables, Justin."

I look up to meet my grandmother's gaze. She's staring at me, with a displeased expression on her face. She doesn't' care that I had a hard first day. She doesn't care that I want to crawl inside myself and never come out again. She only cares that I go to school, present myself well, and get into a pristine university so she can show me off to her friends at the lady's club. I know I cant' talk to her, so I simply nod and say "Yes, ma'am," before scooping a healthy portion of peas and carrots onto my fork.

Grandmother places the silk napkin on her lap and slides herself closer to the table. "So, how were classes today?" She takes a sip of her wine and bite out of her roll. "Are the professors well rounded?"

I cut into my steak, and take a deep breath before answering her. "The professors are informative, but I've covered most of the material they are planning on teaching," I explain. "School won't be much of a challenge."

"It's all for the best," she tells me. "It will be even easier for you to get into a good university, if you have an excellent GPA this year. Don't let your guard down young man. You still need to put all of your effort into your schooling." She narrows her eyes at me. "And I know you will."

"I will," I reassure her, but don't smile. I look down at my plate again, and eat everything that has been laid out for me, even though I don't want to. I only do it to please Grandmother and nothing more. Once I'm finished, Selma comes forward to collect my plates and asks me if I'd like some sorbet, but I tell her I don't think so, and grandmother is happy because she thinks anything sweet rots the mind anyway.

I feel Fritz rubbing against my leg, and I know he wants to go for a run. I scratch his head, and smile a little. "Grandmother, would it be convenient for me to take Fritz for a run?"

She glances at the old chestnut grandfather clock in the corner and sighs. "I suppose, just don't be too long. You need your rest if you're going to get up for school tomorrow."

"Thanks." I get up from my chair and push it back in. Fritz runs around and yaps at my feet, excited that we're going to go out. "I'll just be like ten or fifteen minutes."

"You should teach that dog not to bark," she sighs. "Really Justin, it's such a nuisance."

I open my mouth to stand up for my beloved animal, but then I decide against it. I can't argue with her, because I feel guilty. "I'll try my best," I tell her. I leave my grandmother in the dining room, and walk into the kitchen to grab Fritz's leash off the wall. Once I get it on him, I practically burst out of the house. I'm thankful to be out of there, because I felt like I was being smothered. Grandmother expects so much of me, and sometimes I don't think I'll ever be good enough for her. So, I relish the moments when I can just be on my own and be free of her.

Fritz and I run down the street, and pause when we come to the intersection that separates Quaker from the neighboring community. If I go one way, I'll wind up on a street similar to mine...but if I go the other way...

If I go the other way I'll wind up at her house.

"Maybe I'm nuts Fritz."

And he looks up at me and whines because he hates it when I stop him from running.

"Should we go?"

He barks, so I try to make myself believe that he's said yes so I won't have to admit that I really want to see if she's home. We go down her way, and I almost wince when I set my gaze on the run down neighborhood. It looks even worse now that it's night time. The houses look sad, and lonely; and when I get to her house it seems to be the loneliest of them all. The lights are out, and there is no laughter like there was the other day. I'm disappointed that she's not home, because I really wanted to try and work something out with her, although I know she doesn't deserve the time of day from me. "Come on boy," I say sadly. "Let's go home."

"A doggie!"

I recognize the voice from the other day, and I turn around to see the same small children that Fritz was playing with. He starts to whine and bark because he wants to play with them. But it's much too dark to let him off his leash now. "You can come pet him," I tell the kids. "But it's too late to roughhouse now okay?"

"I like doggies!" the boy giggles, and comes over to pet Fritz who in turn, starts licking his face.

"Can I help you?"

I gasp, and look up. I half expect her to be standing there, but instead I see an older woman standing before me. "Um, I was looking for somebody."

"Sammie, Carley, vamano," she orders, and the kids immediately do as their told. "Miguel's daughter is at practice. She'll be home later on." She shoos the kids inside, and starts to follow behind them. "Should I tell her you came by?"

"Oh...no," I sigh. "I'll just see her tomorrow."

The woman nods, and then goes into the house. Fritz sits down and whines a little, upset that his new friends have left him. I reach down and scratch his head. "It's okay boy," I reassure him. "I miss my friends too." And he licks my face. Then we continue on our way. We jog all the way back to my grandmother's house, and all the way there I think about how much I needed a friend tonight. I could call Jack, but I don't know...I feel weird calling my friends back home. I'm different from them now. I don't live like them and I don't do the same things, so calling Jack would be pointless. I need somebody that relates to me...but everybody here seems to hate me for no reason at all.

I miserably push the door open, and I find my grandmother sitting in the den reading one of her many books. "I'm back," I sigh. "But I think I'm going to get to bed now."

"Good idea," she says, before picking up a small pile of papers from the marble telephone table beside her. "But here, I almost forgot...the rest of the forms from the lawyers came today. Try to look them over before you go to bed, so I can send them out tomorrow, okay?"

I step closer to her and take the papers out of her hand, knowing what they are before my hand closes around them. Terms of inheritance. Terms of life insurance. Why do the fates hate me so much? This is the last thing I need tonight. "Can't it wait?" I ask her. "I'm awfully tired."

"You shouldn't avoid the reality of what is," she reminds me, as she did when she came to pick me up from Jack's three months ago. "There's nothing you can do to change what happened, I've told you that before. Signing those papers, is one more step to moving past all of this. And I know this has all been very hard on you , Justin. But you're a strong, intellectual young man and I know you can find it inside of you to hold your head high and be mature about this."

I bite my lip, and sigh heavily. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Justin." She sets her focus back on her book, and doesn't give me a second look.

I motion for Fritz to follow me, and I walk up the stairs and into my room. Fritz runs to his little dog bed by the window and curls up. Soon, his eyes close and I'm left alone to think about it all. I sit down at my desk and start to review the papers, even though I know what they say. The lawyers explained it all to me very carefully when it first happened. I know what I'm entitled to, and I know I'm going to be just fine when I graduate. But I don't care. I don't want it. I just want everything to go back to how it was before. I want to wake up in the morning and eat breakfast with my family. I want to go home to my house. I want to sleep in the room I grew up in. But...but I can't. Never again.

Because they're dead. And it's my fault.

"It's not fair!" I scream the words, and I throw the papers against the wall. Fritz perks up, and looks at me like I'm crazy. "Everything was fine!" I say to him. "You know it was boy. You know it was."

Fritz puts his head in-between his paws and lets out a sigh.

I sit down on the bed and put my head in my hands. The tears come quickly, and I'm alone so I don't care if I'm crying. Normally, I don't let my emotions out anymore because Grandmother thinks crying is a sign of weakness. It's only times like this, when I'm alone in my room, that I can be honest with myself. I lean back, and let myself fall onto the bed. I grab at my curls, and run my fingers through them...trying to remember the way her hand used to feel when she did this. I'm starting to forget things like that...little things. My mom's smile, and the way her perfume smelled. My father's laugh, and the sound of his footsteps. I want to remember...I try to remember. Everyday I try, but I just can't. I'm forgetting them.

I didn't ask for this.

I close my eyes, and try to push everything out of my head, but it doesn't work. The memories flood my mind, and all I can see is what happened...all I can hear is their screams, but I can't help them. I can't do anything but save my own life for my own selfish reasons. I feel something wet on my face...something other than my tears; and when I open my eyes, Fritz is there slobbering all over me. I pull him close to me, and cry into his soft white fur. Then he leans into me like he always does, and buries his face into the crevice between my neck and shoulder. And I fall asleep like this. In my good after school clothes, no blanket...and I don't care.

***************

"Have you guys seen that new kid?" Krissy takes a drag of her cigarette and flicks her blond hair back over her shoulder, before tapping some of her ashes into the sink. "The one who wears the suits?"

Tiffany laughs out loud and helps herself to one of Krissy's cigarettes. "You mean, Urkel?"

"Oh, that's Urkel! Ted kept going on about this dork they nicknamed Urkel last night at the party...but I was too lazy to find out who he was," Krissy says. "Oh shit wait, here she comes."

We all turn toward the doorway, as the footsteps draw closer to our little break room. We know who it is, because she's been coming to this bathroom at the same time everyday since we were sophomores.

Enter Mona Warthingford. She's a frumpy overweight girl, that's a year behind us. She's very unpopular, very fat, and very smelly. When she smiles, she flashes a set of golden yellow teeth, and none of us feel sorry for her. But I never say anything to her. I just look on as the other girls make fun of her...like right now.

Krissy smiles her perfect mischievous smile. "Hi Mona," she says, a sweetly sick tone in her perky voice.

Mona makes her way to one of the sinks and turns the water on. "Oh, hi Krissy."

"Hey Mona," Tiffany chimes in. "Do you know what's for lunch today? I forgot mine at home so I have to buy."

I cringe.

"Hot dogs," she says happily, as she lathers up her hands. "And fries."

"Oh god, that makes me want to orgasm!" Krissy throws back her head and moans with pleasure. "Have you ever had an orgasm, Mona?"

After rinsing off her hands, Mona turns to face Krissy. She's looking particularly unkempt today. Her hair is scraggly and frizzy, and her face is covered in big fat pimples. Somebody please give this girl a makeover! "An orgasm?"

"Yeah," Tiffany butts in yet again, and blows smoke in Mona's face. "You know, when a guy sticks it in just right..."

"I have to go now..." Mona grimaces, and then scurries away.

And I'm sorry to say, even I am nearly in tears with my laughter.