"Ma'am, will your guest be appearing shortly?"

Yet again with the damn question. I looked at my watch, eyes widening. He was already forty five minutes late?! The last time I looked, it was twenty minutes ago. Damn. I sighed deeply, looking at the waiter and shaking my head. "I guess not." Hand to my belly as the baby moved and my stomach gurgled, I gestured to the closed menu that I probably had memorized already. "I'll just take the Chicken Fried Rice and Won Ton Soup. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long." Oh, he'd get a nice tip. A tip on JC's credit card.

"It's no problem, I just wanted to make sure that I had heard you correctly. Are you sure you want to order? I can come back in a little while ..."

I pointed down to my belly, shaking my head, "There's not just me waiting on him, here," I said, giving a weak smile as the man nodded, escaping towards the kitchen as I sighed deeply, closing my eyes and rubbing soothing circles into my unagreeing belly. Three and a half months. Three and a half months to go. My belly was already large, though the doctor said the baby was relatively small but developing beautifully. My body obviously wants me to look pregnant. Once the initial kick was felt, it was nonstop since. Not only was she going to be an athelete, but she'd be a gymnast, too. Perhaps a dancer with all the spins she was doing. And surprisingly, though as I sit here, it shouldn't be, JC suddenly became nonexistant. In the three appointments I have had since the first one, he made lame excuses as to why he couldn't be there. I obviously knew he was lying since I still am working for him, and well, JC is a horrible, horrible liar.

Not to mention that this is the second date night in a row he's either been late or not showed up at all for. The last date we had, at the beginning of the week, he was two hours late. Two hours late.

Who was I kidding? This was obviously dead in the water.

I put down forty dollars, stomach aching as I grabbing my things, leaving the restaurant. I had just been stood up.

Fuck you, JC Chasez.

The door closed off in the distance as I stared into the fire, cradling the hot chocolate between my hands and on to the top of my belly, sounds just a distant memory that I tried to push away, curling my legs under my butt and pulling the blanket further up onto my lap.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so -"

I turned my head, meeting JC's eyes as I rolled my own, looking back at the fire. "I don't need explanation or excuses. Just give up."

"Baby, I'm sorry," he repeated, "I was at the office wrapping up my album and setting a date with management and -"

"I don't give a shit, JC," I snapped, leaning forward and placing my mug on the table and throwing the blanket off of me, "you could have called. You could have even texted me if you knew you weren't going to make it. What, did you expect me to sit around two hours like I did the last time just to see if you would show?! Is that what you wanted? To see how much power you have over me, too? Well, you don't. I'm done. We're done."

"Done? What?!"

"I'm done. I'm done waiting around for you. Christmas was even alone because at noon you left to be in the studio and didn't come back for fourteen hours! I'm sorry I don't have your dumb ass sleep schedule and couldn't be up at two in the morning just to wait up for you! Unlike you, I've actually got a baby that I've gotta care for in three months and I've gotta actually act like a responsible adult!"

"Lily -"

"Stop," I mumbled, shaking my head and shaking my hands to rid him of talking, "just stop. I don't need to hear it. These last two months, I've felt as if I were the only one in this relationship and a single parent. Just ... just say it, JC. You don't want to be with me and you're not ready to be a father." I climbed the stairs without him so much saying a word, tears stinging my eyes as I saw the end draw near. Even as I knew it was coming, it still stung. You could be prepared for the end of the world and it would still surprise you when it came.

And here I was, staring right into the face of the end of my world.

I closed the door with a soft click as I surveyed the bedroom, trying to figure out where my life had gone the last couple of months. I was happy. We were happy. At least, I thought we were. Maybe he put up a front and tried to force himself to be, but it failed him after a while. Maybe he tried to put on an act since the beginning. Maybe he lied to me since day one.

As much as I wanted to believe that, I knew that part wasn't true. I knew him. I knew when he lied.

I jumped when I heard the door swing open and slam against the wall, soon slamming shut as JC stood behind me. "Jace, just leave me alone -"

"What? We're over now? Just because I've become distant means we're over? Because I've been working my ass off to make sure you and my child have a good life where you won't ever have to work again means that I don't want to be with you? Well, I'm sorry if I just tried to do what's best for you, for her, for us. Not once did I say I wasn't ready to be a father and not once did it ever come out of my mouth that I didn't want to be with you! Lily, I want to be with you more than I have ever wanted to be with anyone in my entire life! I love you! I want to grow old with you!"

"Face it," I said softly as I pulled out a duffel bag, he standing where he was before and just watching me as I shoved random clothes into my bag, "our fairy tale ended."

"What the hell, Lily?" He grabbed my bag off of the bed, throwing it away from us as my clothes spilled out, eyes snapping up to meet his gaze as his hand held on to my chin, forcing me to look at him. "Is this your answer to everything? To just leave? That nothing is worth fighting for? Were we not happy? Are you not happy?"

I closed my eyes, tears still slipping down my cheeks. "I was," I said softly, pulling my face out of his grasp as I brushed past him, picking up my bag and grabbing more things as he waited for me to finish the sentence that still hung limply in the air, "I was until I had everything. All I ever wanted was you."

"You have me."

A sob escaped my throat as I heard the tears and emotion in his voice, grabbing some of my toiletries and perfumes. The bag couldn't be too heavy, I couldn't lift it in fear of hurting the baby. "I did have you. Now, all I've got is the ghost of what you once were." I put the bag onto my shoulder, grabbing my purse and phone, walking quickly past him as I went down the stairs, he hot on my trail. I put my bag in the trunk, slamming it shut and turning my head, nearly jumping out of my skin as JC's eyes, they an almost transparent blue, met mine, sending chills down my spine. "Please, just don't make this harder on me than it already is ..." I turned on my heel, he grabbing my wrist and turning me to face him, shivering against the slight cold of the air, or perhaps the tension between us. "JC, let me go ..."

He was silent, studying my face yet holding tight to my wrist. As steady as he seemed, his body was shaking and the tears that riddled his eyes had yet to fall. This was my JC: emotional, yet hard to break his barrier; strong, but shaky. He was serious and goofy at the wrong times, the one who always had something to say. Suddenly, he didn't. Suddenly, the one man whose words could stop an entire crowd in mid-step, fell silent. I suddenly felt powerful. I felt powerful and guilty. Maybe I was wrong about this. Maybe he was just stressed. Maybe ... maybe I just needed a break from him.

"I don't want you to go."

My stomach sunk as he finally spoke, his release on my wrist suddenly as if he were letting go, even though he was fighting against it. "I have to," I said softly, his shoulders slumping as my words fell upon his ears, "maybe just for a while ..."

"A break," he said softly, watching as I nodded. "A break from us."

"Yes," I said softly, turning and pulling open the door and turning to look at him. "Just ... just to see where we stand with each other. I love you. God knows I do ... but maybe ... maybe the love I have for you is not what you have for me."

"No, probably not." Suddenly, his voice was ice as the transparent blue turned to a dark blue, almost as dark as his pupils, "I love you because you're my wife. I love you because you have my heart. You're the only one who ever will. Apparently, the love you have for me is just loving the fact that I got you knocked up."

"I can't believe you said that." I felt hurt, betrayed, pissed, even. How could he say that? "I can't believe you think that of me."

"Well, I can't believe you think what you think about me," he snapped. "Just as much as that shit isn't true, you know the rest isn't either."

Touche, Chasez.

"I want to be with you forever, Lily. Maybe someday, you'll understand. I hope you find out someday how upset I have been that I've been missing these last few months of your pregnancy. How upset I've been that I can't be home to go to bed with you, to wake up with you. How sad I was that Christmas didn't end the way I had planned it to. I hope that you'll realize one day that I'd walk through hell and over high water to be with you. That before you, I didn't want love. I didn't want to feel anything concerning it. Now, now I wish I didn't have it because it did the exact thing I didn't want it to do: killed me."

I bit my lip, getting into the car and shutting it, he standing in front of the door and shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm sorry," I said softly as he scoffed, heart hurting as I started the car, putting the car in reverse and keeping my eyes to the rearview mirror, not wanting to see the look on his face as I left. Of course, my mind betrayed me as I turned my head, his gaze still as if I were parked right next to him.

But I saw it. I saw the tears fall as he heard my car and saw our future fall apart. I saw the pain from the end of the driveway, saw the hurt, the anguish, the confusion. I had never seen him look like that, and I never wanted to see it again.

"I'll do whatever you need me to do," she said softly, still rambling, "I'll kill if I have to ..."

I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna feel this way

"It's okay," I said softly. "I mean, I'm not okay ... but I will be. And it's okay, no killing needed. I just need 'me time'. I just need to get my mind straight."

She nodded, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. "If you need me, call. I'm going to make you a hot tea, okay?"

I nodded. "Thank you."

Nights and days go by and I can't wait to touch your face again

I took my purse from her, watching as she exited, Jeremy setting my bag down just as the door opened. "Can you bring it in here, please?" He didn't say one word as he came in, placing it on the edge of the bed, turning and touching my hand gently before exiting. As soon as the door shut, everything just seemed to fall into my lap. I left him. I left the one man who meant more to me than my own life. I threw everything away just because of my pregnancy horomones and emotions running ragged. I didn't believe a word he said, they all preachings that I just couldn't let settle in my brain. I left the one man who I trusted with my life. I left the one man who gave me a life and one living inside me. I left the love of my fucking life.

The tears came like a blunt force, nearly knocking the wind out of me immediately as the sobs wretched from my chest, aching as I tried to calm myself, hand over my mouth, the other over my eyes.

I will be the last to let you down, all your fears and doubts
Are hovering above you like a cloud
And the water's rising, now I can't breathe
Nothing's how it's supposed to be
How did you do this to me?

I made a mistake. I had to of. A horrible, tragic mistake that would probably (and perhaps already did) cost me the most amazing man and the most amazing life. I would have to raise this child alone and give her up on weekends and every other holiday to see the one man I was afraid to face up to with my fears. I knew him, I knew he wouldn't call me a dozen times, pleading for me to pick up the phone, nor would he show up at the door with flowers or wearing a sad look hoping to get me back. This wasn't some casanova. This was JC Chasez, the man who lets things happens and hopes that they ride out. This is JC Chasez, the man who thinks that everything happens for reasons left untold and if that little reason just so happens to come back to him, he'll accept it or just let it go completely.

And suddenly, I didn't like his mantra. I didn't like that he centered his world around me. I didn't like that suddenly he add to that world and work all the time. I didn't like that he was a man who knew what he wanted and got it. I didn't like that I wasn't liking this. I fell in love with him because of that. I fell in love with his drive, with his compassion. I fell in love with his entire being.

And suddenly, I needed reassurance that he needed me.

Date: Monday, January 21, 2008 11:47:32 PM

I don't know what's going on in your head, Lily ... I really don't. I love you. I care about you more than I care about myself and I just hope you still realize it, because, once upon a fucked up time, I know you did. You mean the world and the stars to me, Lily Anne. You are worth more to me than my own life, my career, my fame. Just say the word and I'd leave my career for you. Say the word and I'd give it all up just to be with you. I didn't try your phone because I know you'd ignore it anyway. I didn't try to text you because I knew it'd be deleted. At least, with this, I knew you'd attempt to read it. I know you're hurt and I understand you feel as if you took a backseat because of all this stuff I've been doing, but in my mind, I was just trying to better our lives. But without you, my life isn't better. You. You make me better. You make me happy. You and that baby girl are the only things that are holding me together and right now, I'm slowly ripping at the seams. I love you, I understand you so I will wait for you to come around. I'll wait forever, Lily. Know that. Know that there is no one else but you. No one can make me laugh, make me smile, make me cry just the way you do. No one hits that string in my heart, no one inspires me quite like you. No one has ever made me want to be married and to have a family except for you. You're special, Lily. And if a break is what you need, then I'll respect that. Just know I'll be waiting. Just know that I'd wait forever.

I love you.

Josh.

PS - and just ... just remember this.

I'll be taking up your time until the day I make you realize
That for you there could be no one else; I've just gotta have you for myself.
Baby, I will take good care of you no matter what it is you're going through.
I'll be there for you when you're in need.
Baby, believe in me.
'Cause if love is a crime, then punish me, I would die for you.
'Cause I don't want to live without you ...

Selfishly, I'm in love with you
'Cause I've searched my soul
And I know that it's you

I'm so in love with you

I'll prove that I'm the only one for you.

Without thinking, I hit the print button, the e-mail printing out and finally resting between my fingers as I let the words settle in my brain, all the way down to the surprise little lyrical reminder at the bottom. Tears burned my eyes, my fingers touching the ink that suddenly smeared with a teardrop. I needed to do this. Maybe I shouldn't have done it in this fashion, but I needed the distance. I just hoped that he wouldn't go back on his word. I just hoped he loved me as much as he said he did. For me, and for us.