Did you ever have that feeling that your body is entirely paralyzed and you can't find your voice to speak? That you're standing on the ledge, looking down and every little ounce of strength and ambition just suddenly drained from your body?

That's how I feel right now.

"Lily?"

I swallowed, bringing my eyes up to meet JC's own as he studied me, confused. "JC."

"I thought you needed to get away for awhile?"

"It wasn't far enough and there were too many cameras outside," I mumbled, heart beating in my chest. On the inside, all I wanted to do was scream that I had heard him, that I loved him, too - but I knew I couldn't. We were already walking on thin ice and I really didn't want to deal with yet another fight between the two of us.

"Can you ... can you come into the room for a minute? We need to talk."

And yet, I nodded, just like a puppet being controlled by strings. I guess we're on for round two ...

JC turned, Rob exiting the room and meeting my gaze. He looked bothered, confused, worried. Welcome to my world, buddy. JC himself looked blank, and I was unsure of how to take it. Did he just lie and say he loved me to get Rob off of his back and get this whole thing scrapped? Or did he really love me? Obviously, my objections would not be put out there, I knew of my feelings for him. I loved him. I loved him like Romeo loved Juliet (except in a less unfortunate way), Cinderella loved her Prince ... like ... Jeremy loved Charlotte. The 'I know you're not perfect but I still think the world of you because you chose me' kind of love. The imperfect, cracks and scratches, maybe a few dents, favorite worn in sweater that keeps you warm at night love.

And sadly, with every step I took into that room, that love seemed to dissipate into thin air.

He stopped at the door and waited as I walked past him, he closing it with a gentle click and putting the chain on the door so that Rob, or even the crazy house keeping couldn't come in. "We have to settle this," he said softly as he turned to face me, head hung low. "I can't let you leave and I can't lose you. But I can't let us go on the way we are and I can't hurt you any more than I know you hurt -"

"You don't know anything about me and hurting," I said, trying to sound brave but ending up sounding like a meek little girl. "You automatically assume that I am hurt. You automatically assume that by you making the decisions, I won't get the brunt of whatever pain you think you're taking off of me. You just don't. You judge me because I'm the unsocial one, the quiet one - the one who never speaks up when her heart is on the line -"

"Right," he agreed, nodding as I shook my head.

"So my not speaking up now is telling you that I'm heart broken? That you hurt me? What if I hurt myself? What if the hurt I feel has nothing to do with this? With us? Did you ever think of that?"

"Well, no," he said, sighing dejectedly as he slumped his shoulders. "I never thought I had to. I thought I knew you."

"Keyword: thought." I sat down on the bed, picking up the remote and turning the television on. Oooh, ER.

"Lily, come on," JC whined from his place in the doorway, "I'm trying to talk to you here. I'm trying to fix this."

"Don't try and fix what's not broken, Joshua."

He grew quiet then and I knew I had won that battle. Abby and Luka were getting married. It was all a surprise to Abby and at first, she fought against it, not wanting to marry him so suddenly, but she caved. She caved and instead of saying the traditional vows, she chose to recite a poem; a poem I knew all too well.

Of course. Suddenly, I was weakened and taken on the defensive. Tears fogged my vision as I tried to brush off my wiping my eyes as a casual thing, fingers shaking as I gripped the remote tightly. My knuckles felt as if they were going to rip out of my skin, nails felt as if they'd break through the plastic and rubber of the remote and buttons themselves. The white flag suddenly dropped, the battle had restarted and my warrior of a heart was taking a brutal beating. A beating that nearly made me lose my breath, the memories and visions in my head of that day flashing over and over in my mind. The moment he had saw me, took my hand ... kissed me. The way I melted into him and how I felt his heart beat against my chest when he held me close.

The night on the boat came into my head. How he touched me as if I were breakable, yet held onto me as if I were the strongest person he knew. How his hands slid over me as if I were a canvas, and the trail his fingers led were his paintings.

How, every time he said my name, it felt wonderful. How, when he smiled at me, the cocoon of butterflies that burrowed in the deep pit of my stomach released and I couldn't help but feel like a grinning little girl. How, when he touched me, even if it were for the upteenth, hundredth time, he still brought the shiver down my spine.

How, in the deepest part of my heart, the inner-most part of my soul, I knew I'd love him for a long time ... if not forever. That no one would replace what he did to me, even if he wasn't my soul mate. Even if I found someone who rattled other parts of me that I didn't know existed, they'd never compare. He cared for me when I didn't care at all; picked up the pieces when all I could do was smash them to the ground. He looked after me when he didn't have to - he befriended me, he loved me like family ... even when I was just his employee.

I loved him, God, did I love him. But this wasn't right. I knew it. We both knew it. It was also a horrendous mistake in the first place for the two of us to agree to something like we had. I knew why I had done it (if I never got married in my life for real, at least I could say I had it for a moment), but why had he?

"You did what neither of us wanted to do, didn't you? You did the same thing I did: you fell in love."

It came out not as a question, not as an egotistical term, but an unsure statement. A statement that I had been juggling in my own head for the last few ... well, years. He said what I had been worrying he'd say and now, I wasn't scared.

Just ... petrified.

"I want no world ... (for beautiful, you are my world, my true)"

I looked down at my hands, tears still blinding my vision. "JC, I -"

But he cut me off then. Took the remote from my stiff and pained hand and looked down at me with a look I had not seen on his face before. It wasn't one of sympathy, not one of distaste ... he looked almost as if he was relieved. Yes. He looked relieved. "Here is the deepest secret nobody knows," he recited, voice low yet drowning out Abby's voice, he clearing his throat and placing his hands at the nape of my neck, keeping my attention at him, "Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud; and the sky of the sky of a tree called life which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart."

Emotions flowed from every nerve ending, every possible place they could. Tears, trembling jaw, shaky hands. When I get emotional, I become very shaky. This was no exception. My legs were going a million miles a minute, hands trying to rip their way out of his grip so that I could move and my eyes were still blind to anything but the slightly blurred vision of the blue-eyed wonder in front of me. I put a hand to my face as the other rested in my lap with his, his free hand frantically wiping the tears as I spoke again, sounding like a dying animal through my strained voice, "I did."

"Maybe we should take a breather from each other," he said softly, voice slightly cracking. As I went to object and question him, he stopped me. "Lily, never in my life have I felt the way I have since I was ten years old. I feel like I'm free falling and it's the best feeling in the world ... I just don't know when I'm going to fall on my face. I don't want to fall on my face, and I know you'd never let me ... but maybe being away from you I can grasp onto something again and get a sense of what we are and what we have ... or don't. We haven't spent a day apart in more than a year and maybe, maybe we're just holding onto each other because we're all each other knows. Maybe if we get a sense of each other again, we'll know what we want. As much as that hurts to say it, maybe we only feel for each other because it's comfortable. We're comfortable."

"Okay," I said softly, lifting myself up and looking him square in the eye. "If that's what you want."

"Of course it's not what I want," he said incredulously, eyes wide, "but it's what I need. What you need. What -"

"What we need," I finished, he nodding. "Jace, you may know how I feel and where I stand but I really don't know where you are."

He pulled himself up so that he was leaning on his elbows, eyes drifting off to the side in thought. "I know you heard me from the hall. I'm not going to act like a little kid and shy away from my feelings, Lil. I do love you. I love you more than I probably should. But this is our lives we're playing with and this game is sick. You have made me see a lot of things I never wanted to pay attention to, made me feel a way I didn't think would ever happen ... hell, you made me rethink marriage! I fell in love with you the moment you walked down that aisle and it scared me but excited me so much more. Life had become one repeatitive loop-de-loop going in the same direction and I saw you and this whole thing as a whole new rollercoaster ride. I didn't expect it to turn out the way it did, but it did. I don't regret anything we've done and I never will. My only regret is that I didn't pay attention to you long enough before to see it."

"So in order for you to continue loving me, we need to separate."

"In a way, yes. But God, Lily, I'll never stop loving you." He sat up completely, hands touching my face. "How could someone not love you? Those eyes, that nose, that mouth? You as a whole? There is no such thing as perfect, but to me, in my world and on my own terms, you were. You are perfect."

I jutted out my lip, hanging my head as I felt him reach up and twist a strand of hair that had fallen from behind my ear. "Okay."

"Tomorrow, I'll talk to Rob. I'll ... set up a vacation for you of sorts ... with pay. I'll get someone temporarily assigned to the overseas stuff and then when I come back, we'll figure out the rest."

"All right," I said softly. I really couldn't say anything else, anyway. His mind was made up and I knew that he was right, even if I didn't want to admit it: time apart would be the best thing for us. Maybe we'd then realize just how right we are for each other, or how completely wrong we were. Either way, the six weeks were going to be hell and I was not looking forward to him leaving in two days.

"Come on," he said softly, slowly standing and reaching for my hand, "if I've gotta be away from you for six weeks and this may be the last time we look at each other like this, I'm going to take full advantage of holding you."

While my heart and stomach seemed to collide with just that comment, my entire body melted around them. Melted so much that my body moved like liquid behind him, waiting until he crawled into bed and pulled the comforter open, waiting for me to get in beside him. When I did, he pulled the cover over our heads, pulled me to him and placed his lips gently to mine. Hands were soon against bare skin, maneuvering article of clothing by article of clothing slowly, almost painfully. He pulled me to him then, pulled me close enough so that I could feel every inch of his body from his forehead to his toes, my entire body on fire. And when he rolled over so that he was on top of me, entering me slow and deliberate, I knew that it wasn't the six weeks that were going to be difficult, it was going to be the two days I had left with him.

"Oh, come on," he said softly, trying to sound cheerful as I protested. I was not the morning person, and his voice was definitely grating, even with the somber mood. "I don't want to make it any harder than it already is."

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face light up again

I opened my eyes, seeing the faint glimmer of tears in his eyes. "I want to be with you when you go."

"Lily," he said, his voice trailing off, wiping clumsily at his nose, "I can't bear to say goodbye to you with all those cameras. It won't mean anything."

"And this does?"

"It means the world to me," he argued gently, persuading me to get up with gentle nudges of his hands. "I get to say goodbye to you in private, and I'll get to hold you without seeing it plastered everywhere in some foreign magazine."

"Just another bump in the road, right," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes and trying to rid them of sleep as I let him pull me up into a sitting position, he leaning into me and holding on tightly. "Just another little thing we'll pass and see how we end up."

"Just another fork in the road," he stated. "Just, hopefully, we'll both end up taking the right turn."

"What if we don't?"

He grew silent, pulling away from me and caressing the side of my face, "then, we go on with our lives knowing that even just for a few months, we were happy. That we loved each other."

"I don't want to lose you," I whispered, he giving me a weak smile as he let the pads of his thumbs wipe the tears away, "I don't want to lose the one person that never gave up on me ..."

"You'll never lose me, baby," he said softly. "Even when you're thirty and having babies, you'll always have me in your heart if I'm not the one you're making those babies with. I promise you that. I'll always be around. Always. And that's a bona fide promise. You need me, I'll be there. Even if I have a feeling you may need me, I'll be on the next flight to you. There will never be a moment I don't think of you Lily Anne Hennessy, never. We're meant to be - even if it's not in this lifetime."

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

"So when I wait for you at that gate and you know how you feel about me -"

"Regardless of how I feel about you, Lily, I'm going to run to you and hold onto you like I almost lost you and am afraid to lose you again. I'm going to hold you like I always have."

"God, we sound like we're both dying from some disease and this is our final mile."

"Never," he smirked, placing a firm kiss to my forehead. "I sound like a walking lyric is what I sound like. Do you see what you've turned me into?"

I laughed slightly, getting up and following him to the door, the bell hop taking his bags as he stood in front of me, running his hands up and down my arms. "I've always seen you, Jace. Always."

He gave me another smile, placing another gentle kiss to my forehead before kissing me gently on the mouth. "Have a safe trip back home. I'll be thinking about you."

I nodded, standing on tiptoe to kiss him myself. As I pulled away, he cupped my chin, eyes burning into mine. "Jace -"

"No matter what happens," he said softly, "regardless of what the both of us decide, just know that you've changed my life. You've made me a better man. A happier man."

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fallin time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

"Okay."

"Good," he smiled, glancing down the hallway as the bell hop disappeared. "Now go back to bed. It's only four in the morning and I know that body and mind of yours can use at least six more hours."

I smirked at him as he stood there, waiting. "What?"

"Go on. I'll close the door behind me."

"But -"

"Come on, Lil ... please."

I sighed deeply, giving him once last look before I pivoted on my toes and crawled back into the bed, knowing that sleep wasn't going to come, even if I willed it to.

"Sleep well, Lily," he said softly. "You know I love you, right?"

I nodded, staring at the threads of the comforter. If I didn't look at him, it'd be easier. If I didn't look at him, he was never there to begin with. Visions were harder to get rid of than sound.

"Lily?"

And my heart betrayed me. I turned my head, meeting his sad gaze, "hmm?"

"I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart."

He turned his head as soon as it was said, closing the door behind him quietly. It was then that I broke down and cried.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide