"You might wanna put some lipgloss on those suckers," JC laughed as he studied me, a wicked grin on his face as I put my fingers to the swollen skin. "You look as if you got into a fight with the hose of a vacuum cleaner and lost. Maybe with the gloss it'll give an excuse to them looking like that."
"It's not my fault you're violent like that," I mumbled as I rummaged through my purse one-handed, he leading me through the terminal of the airport to the awaiting car that would take us to the television studio. "You're also lucky that I'm cold and this hood is covering all the effing bruises, too."
He looked over his shoulder at me, eyes casting down to my short-clad legs. "Yeah, and that the shorts are long enough to cover those bruises on your thighs." He pulled me close to him, my front against the back of his body as the crowds swelled. I hissed slightly at the disturbance of my muscles, cursing him and my big mouth for he having to prove himself to me when I knew he was what I had described. Believe me, I knew: back when he was serious with the girl after Eva, that's all I could hear - no, not them, but her bragging about the sex. Of course, I was always curious (a woman is always curious about a man's sex drive and ability) to listen in and very much intrigued to hear all about him (his taut skin, his strong legs, the muscles that connect his hips and cut him like a 'V' down to the bottom of his hips ... his penis itself). Needless to say, I was impressed and my intrigue peaked even higher when I saw his naked body before me.
"You're very vocal when you're sore," he teased as we approached the doors to the outside, he slipping on his sunglasses as the bright light nearly blinded us both. I took my sunglasses off of the top of my head and slid them onto my face, looking up at him when he continued, "I can make you feel better later, if you'd like."
"Jace," I said, voice low as I trailed off, he giving the driver waiting for us a smile and a chipper greeting, extending his arm so I could get in first, he sliding in next to me. When the door shut, I saw the look in his eyes, saw the gleam and the sparkle, his fingers tapping on the casing of the door where the power window and lock buttons were. "What? What are you cooking up in that mind of yours?" I watched that amazing tongue snake out of his mouth, slowly casting from one side to the other, moistening his lips and slowly disappearing back between his lips, shuddering at the thought of the ability of that muscle. "Wh-what are you thinking about?"
"I'm thinking," he said softly, hand against the back of the seat and turning to the side, facing me, "that these windows, along with the privacy one, are tinted. And I could do whatever I please with you and no one would know."
I grunted under my breath as I looked down to my day planner, trying to ignore the face buried in my neck, the murmuring into my skin and the soft kisses that followed and the erection that pressed into my hip as he slowly rolled against me. "JC," I mumbled, trying not let my voice falter at the assault to my neck and against my side, "is sex always on your mind?"
"Not always," he murmured, mouth now near my ear as his tongue snaked out and licked around the curve of my ear, an involuntary shudder exiting my body as he then grinned into my skin, "just when I'm with you and now that I know what that body is capable of doing to me."
I felt my breath become labored. Not now, please, not now. We were in a limo with a man only feet away from us. "Jace," I said, voice soft but stern as I put my hand to his chest, pushing him away. "Not here, not now."
"What, not in the mood?" He jutted his lip out as I caught glimpse of his face from the corner of my eye, shaking my head in disbelief. "That's sad. That makes me sad."
"I'm a grown woman, of course I'm always in the fricking mood," I said as he gave me a triumphant smile, "but it's not always best to act upon it. Especially now."
"But the trip is an hour ... we'll be here for an hour, Lil."
"Then," I said, voice trailing off, looking around for an idea of what to say, "take a nap. Read a book. Write a song. Just, leave me alone, I'm trying to do the work I haven't done in nearly three days because of you."
He pouted, pushing himself away from me more and looking out the window, his hand resting between us. "Fine. Leave me with blue balls."
I dropped my pen, turning my head and letting my gaze drop to his pants, it obviously tight against the friction in his jeans. "Sorry, baby." I went back to my planner, writing in what I knew had to be done while he was doing interviews and promotional radio performances. I then realized it had become silent, glancing over and catching his gaze. This time, it wasn't full of lust, but an undefined yet sweet expression. "Now what?"
"You called me 'baby'."
I looked at him. Is that what this was about? "What of it?"
"You've never called me that before."
"Not ... not like that," he said, hands now in his lap. "I've gotten, 'hey, you big baby, shut up!' but never this way."
"How do you know I didn't mean it that way?"
"Because of your tone," he stated, now moving closer to me, face merely inches away from mine, eyes searching my own. "You called me 'baby' in a good way."
I felt my breathing slow, eyes slowly dragging down to his mouth, licking my lips without even realizing what I was doing to the body next to me. "So what if I did?"
"Then, I may just have to ignore what you said about it not being the right time and kiss you anyway."
"Jace, come on. I've gotta a bunch of stuff to do and -"
He kissed me then. Kissed me like no time before and no time ever. Passion, warmth, protection and the feeling of need all enveloped me at one time that it took my breath away. I pulled away then, gasping, chest heaving as his eyes traveled down to the said body part, his hands sliding up my sides and gently skimming over the fabric of the hoodie, fingers dancing across the sensitive spots before continuing the trail up my collar bone and to my face. "You taste like spearmint," he said softly, mouth dropping to mine once more, "so damn good. You feel so good ..." His kisses were slow, deliberate - almost as if he were making a memory for future reference. God, if he kissed me like this all the time, he wouldn't have to make it a memory.
I let my eyes drop closed as we continued kissing, the scent of new car and pine air freshener disappearing and the familiar aroma of his body encircling me. He smelled sweet. Sweet like his aftershave and toothpaste; tasted of coffee and hazlenut cream. Suddenly, my intense hate for the flavor had diminished and I was craving more of it. His skin was smooth to the touch, his hands finding mine then and lacing his fingers in with mine, jerking away from me and letting go as his cell phone went off. "Lily, I -"
I saw the look he gave me; the wounded, deer-caught-in-headlights, oh-shit-busted look that only nephews gave me when they knew they did something they shouldn't have done. "Stop. Just ... stop."
"We shouldn't be doing this," he said softly, reaching into his pocket and pulling the cell phone from it as he swore under his breath. "We shouldn't be doing something we'll regret later."
"Right," I said softly, watching as his eyes glazed over and looked away from me, "regret."
It was hot for late day. Almost too hot. I was pretty sure it had peaked 95 as I walked slowly behind JC, legs still sore and ego still bruised. He seemed to keep himself busy on the phone when not in interviews or on radio, kept to himself and sat as far away from me as possible. I suddenly felt emotional, tears forming in my eyes as I wiped them clumsily away, not caring that the cameras that followed the two of us were getting each and every movement we both took. Today, today we were a fighting couple. Tomorrow, maybe we'd be a split couple.
I had a feeling the anullment was closer than I thought it to be.
My phone rang, startling me as I let out a slight cry, my legs nearly giving out at me as a man literally dove in front of me, camera in my face. JC's eyes blazed as he turned, stepping between the man with a camera and I arms protectively going behind him, grabbing onto my arms. "Damnit man, have some courtesy!"
I pulled myself away from him, giving him an icy glare as I walked towards the hotel entrance, ignoring both Mike and JC's calls and putting my cell phone to my ear as it began to ring once more, blocking out the entire world. "Hello?"
"Hey darlin'! Why the glum sound?"
"Nothing," I said softly, the cheerfulness of Delaney's voice grating a nerve deep within that made me start to cry once more. "Nothing at all."
"I know my baby sister enough to hear those tears in your voice," she said softly and I was almost taken aback by the sudden warmth that my otherwise distant and oblivious big sister had been vocalizing. "What happened today, Lily? Did you and JC have a fight?"
"Delaney, there isn't an 'us'," I said quickly before I could let it settle in my brain as I usually did before saying something like that, "there never was, there never will be. It's just a fake publicity stunt and I'm falling down the wrong path and it's killing me ..."
"Are you alone?"
I stepped into the empty elevator, catching JC's eyes as he entered the building, trying to catch the shaft before the doors closed but failed. "Yes," I sighed defeatedly, "as always."
"You aren't married."
"No, we're married all right," I said softly as she gasped slightly on the other end, "just to make it seem more real."
"Li Li, it is real," she corrected. Suddenly she was the smart one, the one that had more intellect and wisdom beyond her twenty nine years. "You're married to a man that you're in love with but it's all an act. You've got the papers, you've got the ring. And I know you, Lily. I know you fell into him with no expectations whatsoever and got yourself way over your head. You love him now. You're in love with a story, a publication on the front page of a gossip magazine. You're in love with something that isn't there."
"Don't you think I know that?" I cried, the doors opening once we hit the third floor and fumbling with my purse one handed for the room key. I couldn't go in there. We shared a room. Shit, shit, shit. That thought alone only brought more tears as I threw my purse to the floor, keys and all, and went quickly down the hall and ducked into the vacant stairwell, pushing open the doors to the escape and letting the bright sunlight blind me and let me feel the pain of having to squint tightly. I heard her speak once more.
"You done feeling sorry for yourself yet?"
I froze, listening to my sister. "I'm never going to stop feeling sorry for myself when I've got you, Lucy, Charlotte and Isabelle as sisters."
"I can't believe you said that," Delaney said softly after a moment of uncomfortable silence. "When you've got problems, you blame it on us? Lily, I can't believe you. I can't believe that for one second you'd make yourself believe that you're nothing compared to the rest of us. Do you not understand how much I envy you? How much I'd envy to be you? I see the way JC looks at you and I think, 'God, I wish I had a man that loved me like that' - and I don't. I never have. I wish I had your heart, your compassion ... I wish I had your body. The body that you hate so much but get so confused when a man pays attention to that very body. How I wish I could love like you, could feel the love that people give back to you as you have given them. You may not be a wealthy professor or a rockstar, but God, Lily, you've got so much more respect than any of us ever would have. And you know why? Because you're the quiet girl who doesn't let anyone see what they shouldn't see. You let everyone get the positive ride out of life and you take the shit bait. You don't ever question anyone when they need a favor and now, because of that, you're in a relationship that's doomed because it's based on a lie. It could have worked with you two, you know that? We all knew he loved you from the moment we saw him -"
"Stop it," I said softly, sinking against the wall and down to the ground, hand to my face. "Stop it, Laney ... just stop."
But she didn't. My pushy, overbearing sister had suddenly came back.
"He looked at you like you were the one thing in his life that made sense. He watched you walk away, he watched you when you came back. His eyes lit up, his face went back to youth. We may not see each other much, Lily, but I pay attention. I see the papers. I see the pictures of him alone. I see the pictures of him with you and I think, 'this can't be the same man I saw on a magazine just the other day'. He looks alive when he's with you, Lily. He's smiling, he's actually looking as if he's got the world in his hands instead of of his shoulders. You've made him feel things that he's probably never felt or hasn't felt in such a long time that it's all become alive. You've made him happy. You've made him the man that is probably standing in your hotel room, clueless as to what happened between the two of you, am I right? Something clicked in his head and he realized that he couldn't hurt you anymore than you already had been. I know you, Lily. I know how many men you've been with and I know for a fact that it's less than the amount of sisters you have. And I know that every man you have slept with, you have cared for more than you have cared about yourself. It's time to stop that, Lily. You're a beautiful, amazing woman who has so much in her life that could work out better than she ever imagined if she just let go. Let go of that stupid self-consciousness that you have, let go of that entire mask that you hold to your face. All of my sisters are beautiful, Lily - but you take the cake. And you know why? Because you're not like us. You're not snobby, not oblivious or money hungry. You're not driven by something that may never happen - because it will happen, Lily. You and JC? It's meant to happen. Maybe this was a mistake because it's now stalling it from happening completely, but what you have now? Multiply it by a billion and that's what you'd have in reality with him. And you wanna know how I know? Because I have faith. Have faith in life, in love, in him ... in you -"
"Since when did you become so gospel?"
She laughed lightly on the other line and I could just picture her shrugging as she either painted her nails or lie on her lush couch overlooking the mountains in Maine. That was one thing about Delaney: while she knew she was beautiful and she could make it in the modeling career, she refused to become a part of it's lifestyle. She still loved the mountains, the fresh air, the environment. And suddenly, I knew that was her - I knew that my sister had more of a sense of human beings than I had a sense of even my own name. "Go back to him, Lily. Get this straightened out. God forbid I see my beautiful sister crying in some magazine."
I sighed deeply. "Lucy coming to see you?"
"Actually, she's still back home. I was the only one that escaped by the skin of my nails," she laughed. "She should be coming up to visit before she goes back to Clearwater, though. It sucks for us, you know? We're all scattered everywhere and we never get to see each other anymore. I miss it. You, especially."
"Shouldn't it be your twin?"
Delaney scoffed. "Maybe. Ask me on a good day. You know us, Lily."
And I did. Fraternal in every sense of the word. "I do."
"Now, go to your husband. Get laid. I don't care how many times you've done it the past two days, do it some more."
I reddened at this, "Lane -"
"I love you, Lily. It'll straighten out. No more tears."
I bit my lip. When did she suddenly become my sister? "I love you, too."
I hung up the phone, pushing it into the elastic of my dance shorts and sighing deeply. Did I really want to face him? My husband? Did I really want to fight with him again?
And no matter how many times I said 'no', I knew the answer was always 'yes'.
The corridor was cold. Very cold. Though it had been refreshing from the opposite climate of the outside, I suddenly felt as if I were sitting in some sort of crycogenic chamber and dead bodies hid beneath the floors of the beautiful hotel.
At this moment, I wouldn't doubt it.
My arms had formed goosebumps, legs were actually shaking in coldness. Maybe it wasn't coldness, maybe it was my nerves - but it was nice to know that I could blame my shivering body and trembling jaw over something other than the subject at hand and behind the door that I stood in front of. I think a dead body would be more welcoming right now than the blue eyes of the man that I was trying to hide from. Before I could put my hand to the door, it was open, his body standing before me. Wordlessly, I moved past him, he turning and watching me as I kicked off my flip flop sandals and lie on the bed, facing the wall.
"So is this how it's gonna be? Is this how you and I are going to continue on?"
I let my eyes fall towards the front of the room, my purse sitting on the table near the wall. I heard him move, heard his footsteps draw nearer as I closed my eyes, trying to remove myself from the predicament. Yes, that's right Lily; go run away like you always do. Big ass crybaby.
"Lily Anne." I felt his hand slide up my leg slowly, the goosebumps that had just disappeared making a new entrance as I shivered against his touch. He saw my body's response, he fed on it, just as he always did. Hand stopped at my hip, dipping towards my pelvis and stopping, bringing his hand back up and sliding up my side all the way to my shoulder. "You can't ignore me. You may not want to talk to me, but your body is doing enough talking for you."
"Asshole," I mumbled as I heard him chuckle slightly in response. "You're an asshole."
"At least you're talking," he said softly, his hand suddenly gripping mine and tugging me so that I was in a sitting position. I shifted my weight so that I was sitting up against the bedframe, hugging a pillow to my chest and glaring at him. Hey, he was the one who said we couldn't do anything and bruised my ego. "You can't not talk to me, Lily."
"Oh yeah? Watch me."
"Lily, Jesus Christ," he snapped, getting up and running a hand through his hair as he paced the room. "Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? Any fucking clue? Do you know how much it hurts my heart to know that this is just some dumb ass facade? That I could still have you as my best friend and one of the most amazing women I have ever known? Instead, I have you as my 'fake' wife, with my 'fake' life and I can't stand putting you through that! Why did we decide to do this, huh? Why did you agree to it?! Answer me!"
I sat there, mouth slightly open in speechlessness. He was actually yelling at me. This was different.
"God damnit, Lily!" I saw him lose it then. Saw a side of him I had never seen before. Soon after, a glass statue that had been sitting on the table near my purse was shattered against the wall opposite of us both, his face red, mine pale in fright. "Why is everything so difficult for me? Why can't anything ever come easily? Why the hell is nothing happening the way I want it to? I never asked for this, I never asked for you to come into my life -"
"What? So you're pinning this on me?!" I got up, forgetting my fears and tossing the pillow on the bed. "You're asshole friend was the one with the idiotic idea! I went along with it because I cared about you and I knew you wanted this more than anything in the world! I let my feelings for you as a friend get in the way of my job and now I am in a hole that I can't get out of because of you!"
"Stop blaming me. Stop putting the blame on me."
"It's your fault just as much as it is mine,"I snapped. "I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to sleep with you. You took it to that level. I kissed you. You're the one who seduced me. You're got us where we are now!"
His eyes widened. "Oh, no, no, no, no! You fail to remember that you were the one undressing me! I was the one that got naked first, Lily. And you're the one that instigated it the second time! You're the one who got us here, not me!"
"Oh, so I am the one to blame for all of this, huh? Fine. Fire me. Tell me to leave. I will. Fuck all of this. Fuck this job, fuck this plan, fuck Mike, fuck you. I don't need you. I don't need anybody." I grabbed my purse, not caring about anything else other than leaving. My phone fell from my shorts then, sliding down my leg and to my feet. He grabbed it quickly before I could even attempt to, holding it high in the air so I could not reach it. "Give me my phone back," I snapped as he still held it away from me, "I said give me my fucking phone back!" I grabbed him, pushing him roughly as he stumbled, arm dropping as he steadied himself. I went to reach for my phone, he again keeping it from me. "Fine. You know what? Keep it. Call every fucking person in that phone and tell them the truth. Tell them how we married just so you could have that extra million, that extra spread in a magazine. Tell them. Go ahead. Tell them. Tell them how you fucked me without even caring about the consequences."
"Fuck you, Lily. Fuck everything about you. I can't even stand the sight of you right now."
"Yeah, that's right. Grow sick of this face just as every other man has," I snapped as his face paled. I ripped his hoodie away from my body, standing there in a thin wifebeater that barely kept my body temperature. God damn hotels. "Grow sick of this body that you suddenly craved. Grow sick of this life and of this place." I stood dangerously close to him, grabbing his hands and pressing them to my breasts, his breath catching, "grow sick of the one thing you couldn't get enough of just an hour ago." With that, I pulled away, the warmth of his hands absent. "Fuck you, Chasez. Fuck. You." I pushed him away from me angrily, turning on my heel and stormed towards the door. I needed to get away.
"Lily!"
I turned the door, just about to push it when he called me again.
"Lily, stop. Please."
My blood ran cold at the tone he had suddenly given me, suddenly growing curious how the lost tone had found him. As I turned, I saw the look of desperation and of surrender etch across his beautiful face. "What, JC? We've already said all that we wanted to."
"No," he said softly, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes tiredly as he approached me, hand brushing past me and pushing the door closed gently. "You have."
"No, I haven't said all I wanted to say," I snapped, watching as his face gave me one of disappointment. "What?!"
"You done?" He sat down, putting his face in his hands. Suddenly, standing there in front of him, I felt bigger than him. "I never wanted to hurt you," he said softly, eyes looking up to meet mine, redshot and dry looking. "You have no idea what's it like to stand there and watch the one person ..." his voice trailed off, he looking down at his feet. "The one person that you've cared so much about become something you weren't ready for."
And by the look on his face, I knew that he knew I did. I understood.
"I care so much about you, Lily. You're my best friend, practically my family. Actually, right now, you are my family. You are the one person that ever accepted me as I was. The only one that made sense to me. The only person I have."
I licked my lips, unsure of what to say. "Jace, what do you -"
"If something happens between us like that again, I might lose you forever," he said softly. "I can't lose you, Lily. I can't ... I just can't. Even if that means blowing this whole thing, losing my career, losing my money. I can't lose you -"
"Joshua," I managed to whisper, my low tone, along with his full name stopping him mid-ramble. "Enough with this bullshit. I love you, okay? You mean the world to me and I don't understand how suddenly the roles are reversed." I ran my hand over my face, kneeling down and putting my hands on his knees. "Look at me." I felt how close we were then, I understood what he meant. I smelled him again, felt the frustration that tensed in his hands. When he lifted his head slightly to meet my eyes, I gave him a weak smile, "you won't lose me. Ever. Even if it means we actually do have to play up to the married couple definition out in public."
"Let's not ... let's not sleep together anymore, okay?"
I licked my lips, seeing the blues of his eyes deepen as he fought back whatever emotion was looming there like an angry ocean before a hurricane swept through. "Sex. No sex?"
"No more," he said softly, shaking his head. "God knows how difficult this is going to be for me, but I can't do this to myself ... to you anymore."
I got up, sighing deeply as he followed suit. "You're going to deprive me of you, huh?"
"As bad as you feel about it, I'm pretty sure you don't feel what a certain organ feels," he said softly, taking a few steps to close the distance between us. "You love me, huh?"
"Of course I do," I said, looking at him as if he had grown a second head, "you're my best friend."
He kissed me then, but it was different. It was warm and understanding as he pulled away almost as soon as he started the kiss. "Change of heart," he said softly, hands running down from the top of my head to my chin, tipping my face up and kissing me once more. "Let's just ... take this slow and see what happens."
"There's nothing wrong with being friends with benefits, Jace."
"There is," he said softly, gripping my hand tightly, "especially when it's us and we're the two sleeping together."
"No one could have the sex we have," I grinned as he laughed wholeheartedly, the smile stretching from ear to ear. "Now that is a benefit."
"So, we're good?"
I walked into his open arms, unable to even hold myself away from the man in front of me. "We've always been good, Jace. We just hit a bump in the road."
"We've had a lot of ... bumps."
A chuckle escaped his lips as I shook my head, shoving him playfully. "Some things never change, Chasez."
"You might want to, though," he grinned, hands touching my neck and collarbone where the bruises littered my skin. "If we're going out tonight, it might not want to look like I've beaten you senseless."
"Or, people just may see that we've had some good sex."
"Is that all that's on your mind?"
I blushed a little, sitting down and running a hand over my shoulder and kneading it slightly, he brushing my hand away as he sat behind me, letting his hands do all the work on the knots in my shoulders. "Well, ever since that little appearance by your little camper in the limo, yes, that's all that has been on my mind."
"Really."
"Yes," I laughed, feeling him hesitate a moment. "Jace?"
"Hmm?"
"Whatcha thinking?"
"How much I'm gonna hate taking this slow."
I laughed, letting my head roll back so I was staring at him in the eyes. "Well, it's always the build-up that makes some good sex."
He groaned, shifting his weight. "Let's not discuss this now."
"I don't want to go out tonight."
"I don't want to stay in."
"Why?"
"Because if I do, I may just forget the rule all together and take you on," he stated confidently as he pressed himself against my back, immediately knowing he wasn't lying. Well, then. He wouldn't be hard to break at all.
Hey, I was a woman with needs. Sympathize for me.
