"God, that sun is blazing hot," Isabelle murmured, sitting next to me at the picnic table. JC and I had made ourselves comfortable at her home that afternoon, long after Robert had left to go with his buddies for a man's afternoon of golf and football, two of his college buddies coming in from out of town to keep up the tradition. While she and I sat around and caught up after months of not seeing each other, JC played the boys' own version of soccer, a mixture of kicking the ball and then picking it up, tossing it into the goal and squealing gleefully as he'd 'miss' it going between his legs. "I hate August."
I chuckled, leaning backward and letting my elbows rest against the wood of the table. "I used to. But it's been different this time around."
"That's because you're now married," she grinned knowingly. "Wasn't it his birthday recently, too? I remember you saying it was."
"Yeah," I nodded. "A few days ago."
"How old?"
"31," I said softly, watching as he stepped away from Tanner and Tyler, they continuing their game almost as if he wasn't there to begin with, shoving his hands in his pocket and grabbing his cell phone. A smile came to his face, he winking at me as he walked past us, greeting whomever was on the line as he entered the house, closing the sliding glass door behind him. "He wasn't looking forward to it."
"Why not? It's already past thirty."
"Exactly." I got up as Tyler came running towards us, crying after being nailed in the head by the ball that Tanner had accidentally kicked a little too hard. I knelt down, letting him run into my arms. "Hey, it's all right, buddy," I said softly, soothing him as I smoothed the dark hair away from his forehead, "did that mean ball hurt you?" He nodded. "I say, we kick it and let it get a taste of it's own medicine, how about that? You wanna kick that ball hard? Let him cry?"
"Yeah," he said softly, still crying. "It hurt me."
"Well, then, let's kick it and tell it it's bad!" I knelt down, taking the ball from Tanner as he walked sympathetically towards his brother. "Mr. Ball, that was a mean thing to do to Tyler; all he wanted to do was play with you! What do you have to say for yourself?" I put the ball near my ear, acting as if it were talking to me. "Oh, well, okay. Tyler, Mr. Ball says he's very sorry. He was only doing what balls do. He hopes you can forgive him without kicking him too hard."
Tyler giggled, burying his face into my tank top as I dropped it, letting him step away from me and kick it in his toddler way. "Bad!"
I laughed, getting up and ruffling Tanner's hair as I did so. "He's fine, buddy. Go ahead and play. Just be a bit more careful." I sat back down next to my sister, she giving me a knowing smile that I knew nothing about. "What? What now?"
"Nothing bad," she said, still smiling widely. "It's just ... you're going to make an amazing mom some day. I hope you can experience this on your own terms, with your own children."
"That'll probably never happen," I said, giving her a sad smile. Oh, shit. It was 'supposed' to happen because I was married. Oh, shit. "Well, if JC decides he wants to have kids."
"You actually married someone who didn't want kids?"
"Yeah," I said, nodding. "I love him. If our lives together don't bring children, then I can live with that because I have him."
"Oh, that's a load of bull," Isabelle laughed, shaking her head. "You're the one growing up who carried around a doll pretending to be a mommy up until I can remember. You've always wanted to have your own."
"Okay, so I do ..."
"Then, what are you going to do? Accidentally get pregnant?"
"We'll talk about as adults, I guess," I said, sighing. How was I lying so easily? "I'm sure we can come to some agreement."
"Well, watching him earlier with kids, I don't think it'll be hard to change his mind," Isabelle noted, "he seems to love playing with them."
"Yeah, but he can give them back."
"True," she laughed. "But I think he would, knowing you want them."
"I don't want him to give in because of that. I want him to want them, too."
"Oh, he will." She laughed. "If that means more sex, he'll be all for it; trust me."
We sat and watched the boys, JC still having not appeared back outside. It had been twenty minutes, and I was beginning to think he got lost in the unknown house (though, who really did get lost in houses?). Isabelle had gotten up to push Tyler in the swing, Tanner playing in the sandbox and building his fortress, claiming he was going to rule all of 'Tanner Town'. I could only smile as I pulled my phone out, glancing at the time. It was nearing dinner and JC and I had plans to go out to a place I hadn't been in a long time. "I'll be back," I called as Isabelle nodded, resuming her task at hand. I pulled the door open, not hearing his voice floating through the air. "Jace?" I called, getting no response. "JC, you around?"
Still no answer.
I bit my lip in thought. Earlier, during the picnic when I was hounded about all the marriage questions, he had excused himself and I later found him in the guest bedroom. He had his notebook out, and when I appeared in the doorway, he had greeted me with a smile as he tucked it underneath him. Was that where he was again?
Obviously, there was only one way to find out.
I climbed the stairs, the faint scent of baked apples from Isabelle's candles burning in the hall drifted into my senses, bringing a smile to my face. Everyone had a scent that reminded them of home, and that was it for me. As I neared the bedroom, I saw that the door was slighty ajar, hearing his voice finally. He was still on the phone. I put my hand to the door, wanting to enter, but stopping when I heard him voice.
"Yeah, of course I miss you. It has been too long. Of course, babe. I think I manage slipping out for a bit to see you. Lily will have some things to do and I can get some quality time with you -"
I felt my mouth drop. Suddenly, his words hit me. He had a girlfriend. An honest-to-God girlfriend whom he was actually keeping secret. I knew I shouldn't have felt betrayed at that moment, but I did. Oh, if the paparazzi would catch onto that.
"Of course. I'll call you when we get to New York. Love you too. Bye."
I heard him rustle around, quickly disappearing into the bathroom as I heard the door open. Great. Just ... great.
"You've been quiet all evening."
"Hmm?" I looked up, scratching at the paper placemat as JC's voice interrupted me. "What?"
"I said, 'you've been quiet all evening'. Is there something wrong? You feeling all right?"
"I'm fine." I looked away from him, staring at the wall with murals of trainstations and train signs. The Spaghetti Warehouse was a restaurant that themed itself around trolleys and was in nine states, though rare to find when I was traveling with JC. It was a rare moment that I got to enjoy my favorite restaurant, and sadly, with thoughts looming in my head, I wasn't enjoying myself.
"You're lying."
"No, I'm not," I said, still looking at the pictures. "Perfectly fine."
"Then look in my eyes and tell me that you are."
I looked at him, sighing deeply. "I'm fine."
"You're eyes traveled up above my head. You're lying to me."
"JC, I don't want to talk about it, all right?"
"Was it something I said? Something I did? Something your family did or said? C'mon, Lils, you know you can talk to me."
"JC, I said that I didn't want to talk about it, so drop it." I looked back down at the placemat, he groaning to himself. "What?"
"I hate when you give me the silent treatment."
"I'm talking to you now, aren't I?" I kept my eyes at the placemat, suddenly way too interested in the story of how the Spaghetti Warehouse started. "That isn't what they call 'the silent treatment'."
"Damnit, Lily," he said, voice low. He was getting angry. "What the hell did I do wrong, huh? I know it's about me, I can just tell by the way you look at me when you actually do look at me! What did I do? What did I say?"
"Nothing."
I heard him slam down his drink, jumping as I heard his chair screech as he pushed out from the table. "Outside. Now."
I ignored him, sighing deeply and staring at my fingers them, seeing him slightly in blurred vision as he stood across the table from me, arms crossed, body poised in one that was determined and angry. "I'm not leaving the table. We haven't even eaten yet."
"Now."
I felt my heart stop for a moment at his voice, one I had never heard before. He was becoming dominant. I wasn't sure if I should enjoy it or be afraid of it. "No."
"Damnit, Lily!" He grabbed my hand then, startling me. "Let's go. We'll be back once this is straightened out."
I didn't even have a chance to grab my purse as he pulled me out of my chair and past the waitress, who looked startled as she carried our food on a tray. "We'll be back," he said hurriedly, pulling me along as I struggled (albeit slightly) with him. As soon as he pushed the doors open and we were out in the night, he let go of me, storming off down the sidewalk. I didn't have a choice but to follow him.
When he stopped, I skidded to a halt as he turned to look at me, eyes burning into mine. "So you going to tell me now or am I going to have to force it out of you?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Stop it, Lily. Just stop it. Stop acting like you have a wall. We both know I broke that wall a long time ago and I refuse to have to knock it down again! Just fucking tell me already!"
I cringed at his tone once more, shaking my head and looking down at my feet. I really needed a pedicure. Maybe tomorrow morning. Maybe before we left I would -
"Lily!"
My head shot up, meeting his gaze as he leaned into me, hand resting against the brick wall. "Would you please just tell me what I did? I want to fix this. I don't like when you're not talking to me."
I sighed deeply, crossing my arms and looking up at him. "You really don't know. Really?"
"I wouldn't be asking if I did!" He pushed away, looking very frustrated. "C'mon, Lil ..."
"Who was on the phone with you earlier?"
He stopped, eyebrows knitted in confusion. "Earlier, when? This morning, this afternoon?"
"When we were at Isabelle and Robert's."
"Oh," he said, voice steady. "It was Kara."
"And when were you going to tell me about Kara?"
"What?" He looked at me, eyes wide and confused. "I didn't know I was supposed to tell you about every living family member I had."
"Family member."
"Uh, yeah?"
"Family member."
"I just said 'yeah'."
Ah, crap. There I had gone again, diving in without even making sure how deep it actually was. "Family member."
"No matter how many times you say it, she will still be my family member."
"Right."
"Lily," he said, suddenly stopping and narrowing his eyes, "you heard me, didn't you?"
I bit my lip. "Maybe."
"Lily, you were spying!"
"No," I argued, dropping my hands and looking at him, "I wasn't. I came upstairs to see what was keeping you and heard the tail end of the conversation."
"Then why didn't I see you up there?"
"Because I didn't want you to think I was there the whole time so I ducked into the bathroom," I said bashfully as he shook his head in disbelief. "I'm sorry ... I know I should have asked but -"
"It's fine," he sighed. "I just wish you'd trust me. Even if we aren't really together, I do take the vow of marriage seriously," he said softly, hand going to the crown of my head and slowly sliding down as he played with the ends, "I'd never want to hurt you, Lily. And it kills me when you don't talk to me. You're supposed to be able to tell me anything. It just doesn't seem like you are."
"And it doesn't seem like you are, either."
He took a step back, another sigh exciting his mouth. "Let's just go eat."
"Fine."
It was breezy out on the lake. Though the humidity had probably reached it's peak and was slowly making it's descendance, the mixture of cold and hot air was so uncomfortable as I sat on the chair on deck of 'The Hennessy', Robert's dedication to his wife's maiden name. The sun had slowly begun lowering into the horizon, candles that Isabelle and Robert insisted we use half gone, wine half drunk and both of us, still half angry.
JC stood near the door, leaning against the wall and staring off into the direction I had just been looking in, the blues of his eyes taking on a mixed color of blue, orange and pink - reflective of the sky and sun itself. He had dressed in a pair of khaki shorts and a blue striped button up (it half undone, by the way), the sleeves rolled up just above his elbows, sunglasses on top of his head while his sandals had been kicked over with mine as soon as we had entered the boat.
To play up to the 'honeymoon', I had to dress somewhat sexy - something I wasn't used to, though had started to the moment JC and I became close. Isabelle had lent me a baby blue sundress, the fabric soft to the touch and nearly sheer if in the right light. Of course, with my build and hers, the dress was much tighter than I had wanted it to be, yet she demanded I wear it, saying I never showed cleavage, and it was time to do so ... for my husband. Again, I couldn't argue, and was forced into wearing it ... but not before grabbing her cropped sweater and pulling it over top, refusing to take it off.
I heard the music that had been playing from the bedroom (who knew houseboats actually had them? Probably why they are called 'houseboats' - I am a genius) stereo, sighing deeply as I closed my eyes, leaning my head back and looking out to the sky, hints of stars etching through the sky that still looked like a beautiful canvas of colors. I'm sure that Isabelle and Robert would enjoy knowing that we had taken their boat to great use: staring out everywhere but at each other and not even coming close to touching. Perfect honeymoon, yep.
I heard him sigh deeply, closing my eyes as I heard him move around, disappearing into the room and closing the door behind him. I wasn't going after him. We both had a beef with each other, we had to deal with it.
But I didn't want to deal with it just yet.
I got up, wrapping the sweater around me tightly, the buttons doing nothing to cover my way too flaunted assets, reaching down into the cooler and grabbing a beer. Hanging with JC had definitely made me take more beer than I had remembered drinking before. I had already had three, my head already light - what was one more? Surely I should have been drunk by now.
The door opened and closed behind me as I raised myself back up into a standing position, turning slowly. He stood behind me, still nursing the beer he had in his hand as I struggled with mine. I heard a slight chuckle escape out of his mouth, and before I could say anything smart to him, he was standing in front of me, hands brushing against mine and sending a jolt down my spine that triggered a slight gasp (I hoped he excused it as a 'hey don't touch that' kind of gasp) as he took the beer, taking the cap off. "Thanks," I murmured, bringing it to my lips as he studied me. I ignored him, chugging it. Of course, the taste was vomit-inducing, but at the moment, I didn't care.
"So how long are we going to not talk to each other?"
I shrugged.
"Oh, come on, Lily," he said softly, setting his bottle down and stepping to me, reaching for mine and setting it down next to his. Compared to the bottle he had, mine was almost completely gone and his was full. Come to think of it, he had the same bottle since we had gotten here. Ew. "This isn't right. We don't do this. We're not everybody else. Talk to me, please."
"Why should I?" I asked finally after he stared me down, willing me for an answer, "why should when all you do is keep things from me?"
"I don't keep things from you."
"Right. Thus why you've been saying you needed to talk to me about something and everytime I bring it up, you say that it needs to be another time. Well damnit JC, when is that time?!"
"I don't know."
"See?!" I reached for my beer, his hand stopping me as it gripped my wrist. "Jace, let go."
"Lily," he said softly, the sadness in his voice causing everything to stop, even my heart (for just a few moments). "I'm sorry, okay? There are a lot of things going on my mind that have been overlapping what I want to talk to you about so I'm just not ready to discuss it, all right? The time will come ... I just ... I don't know."
"Then what do you know?" I asked, looking at him as we both looked at each other, and almost simultaneously, smiling as music was heard behind us, the familiar voices sending me back to the time I had met him and all I knew of him was who he once was. "Tell me that."
"What I do know," he said softly, stepping towards me with his hand outstretched to me palm up, "is that I want you to dance with me."
"You're kidding."
"Dead serious, actually," he said, maintaining the same tone. "C'mon, Lilybeans ..."
"All right," I said softly, slowly slipping my hand into his as he curled his fingers over mine, pulling me to him. This was different; I hadn't dance with him like this before. And though I didn't want to admit it then, it was nice. Comfortable. The moment was real, my senses suddenly going into overdrive as I heard his voice singing to me, smelled him, felt him holding me.
Well, it's not far down to paradise; at least it's not for me
And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility
Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see
Baby, believe me
"You look beautiful tonight," he said softly, mouth yet again near my ear as I held back a shudder from his breath ticking my skin, eyes dropping closed as I remembered what he had done on the plane just two days before. "More beautiful than I ever imagined a woman being."
If he was trying to flatter me, it worked. Though I know there were women that probably looked a billion times better than me in what I wore, I still accepted it without so much as a word. It was probably because of the alcohol. The alcohol seemed to be the reason for a lot of things.
I felt his hand at the small of my back, other still holding my hand as he pulled me closer, the moist breathy words of his voice entering my ear like heaven.
It's not far to Never Never Land; no reason to pretend
And if the wind is right, you can find the joy
Of innocense again
Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see
Baby, believe me
"Lily," I heard him say softly, pulling away to look at his face. His hand released my waist, fingers gently grazing the hair that had fallen in my face and tucking it behind my ear, his eyes studying me. "I don't ... I don't know how this should go. I don't know -"
I stopped him, pressing my mouth to his as he relaxed into me, swallowing his words before they even escaped, holding onto him tightly.
Sailing
Takes me away
To where I always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
Soon I will be free
The kiss deepened as I pressed myself against his chest, gripping the open ends of his shirt as he held onto me tightly at my waist.
Fantasy, it gets the best of me when I'm sailing
All caught up in a reverie, every word is a symphony
Won't you believe me?
He broke the kiss then, looking at me with shortened breath. "Lily ..." His voice trailed off as his head lowered, watching as my fingers slowly went down his chest to his stomach, unbuttoning his shirt agonizingly slow. His chest heaved slightly as he breathed, letting my hands snake up once the task at hand had been finished, my palms running up his bare skin and underneath the fabric towards his shoulders, pushing the shirt off as he just stood, letting me undress him. As the shirt fell to the ground, I saw the same look he had given me the day we eloped all over again, melting as he leaned forward, mouth placing heated kisses to my neck. My hands had found his hair, elbows resting slightly on his bare shoulders. "Now this isn't fair," he said softly into my skin as I fought to open my eyes, his hands slowly sliding up my sides and towards the sides of my breasts, gasping as his thumbs slid across my nipples, he chuckling as he continued kissing me, "I lost my shirt, yet here you are, still completely dressed."
"Then do something about it," I said softly, his hands automatically reaching for the sweater, hands cool to the touch as it joined his shirt on the floor. "Well, that's kind of better," he mumbled, mouth traveling down my collarbone and into the crevice of my breasts, "it'd still be nice if you were just as naked as I was."
I remembered the words he spoke to me on the plane, thought of what was going to happen flying through my brain like a bolt of lightning. Was I willing to let this happen? Was I really willing to sleep with this man? Was I ready for this to put a damper on our relationship?
Yes. To all of the above.
It had been too long.
Sailing
Takes me away
To where I always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
Soon I will be free
Soon I will be free
I felt him move, slowly pushing me with his fingertips towards the wall as he fumbled with the door blindly, opening it and letting it slam against the wall. As soon as we were in, the door shut with a satisfying click, he finally pulling away and looking at me, speechless. His hands, on the other hand, said more than I could grasp, sliding up my arms gently, fingers tucking underneath the thin straps of the dress and letting them fall off of my shoulders, he kissing my skin delicately. As they fell further, I froze. "JC -"
He looked up at me, eyes warm. He knew the look I was giving him, he knew my insecurities. "You're perfect, Lily. Perfect." His hands tenderly touched each spot I hated, my insecurities melting away like butter as he placed barely there kisses through the fabric of the dress to each one, dropping another slow and heated kiss to my mouth. "Perfect," he repeated, "believe me."
And I did.
He stepped away then, ignoring my questioning look as he went behind me, hand finding the zipper to the dress and letting it slide down, quicker than what I had done with the buttons. His mouth met the side of my neck, the dress dropping and soon, there were no barriers except my bra, panties, and his shorts. I felt his erection through the pants, a smug grin forming on my face as I realized I had done that to him. I actually made him react the way he was. I knew he knew what I was thinking, he pressing even more into me as I gasped, his hand, finding the front of my panties and pressing lightly as I nearly fell into him, he still kissing my skin with a grin. "God, don't do that," I groaned, he pausing against my skin as I whined. "Jace -"
"Do what?" He asked softly, licking my skin then, nipping and sucking as I felt myself get hotter. I felt his hand slowly drag down once more, too intoxicated by him to even stop his hand, "this?" He pressed against my spot once more, "or this?" I gasped as I felt his hand slip into my panties, fingers gently curling against my clit as my knees buckled. "I happen to like both reactions, actually."
"Stop teasing," I groaned, reaching backward and bravely (maybe with the help of the alcohol) grabbed his penis through the shorts, he saying my name through a groan that would have made me come just by that if it hadn't of been for him releasing my clit and pulling his hand out, gripping my waist and turning me, kissing me so hard that I was sure my mouth was going to bleed.
But I wasn't complaining.
Well, it's not far back to sanity
At least it's not for me
And if the wind is right you can sail away
And find serenity
Oh, the canvas can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Baby, believe me
"So you do want it," he grinned, pulling away and giving me a cocky smile as I raked my nails down his skin, his head dropping back at the feel. "You do want me inside of you, mouth on you ..." He put his mouth back to mine before I could respond, my hands finding the button of his shorts quickly and popping them open, the dropping off of his slender hips with ease. "You want to feel me in you," he murmured as I could only nod, "feel me take you places you haven't been ..."
I gripped the elastic of his underwear, barely getting them down over his penis as he lowered me to the bed. I felt his dick against my stomach, felt his hand lowering between us as he nearly ripped my panties from my body, trying to do it one-handed. "Jace," I said softly, hand skimming over the head of his shaft as I tried to help, he gasping as I giggled slightly, pausing as he got the underwear off, both his and mine. "Jace."
He looked at me, eyes bluer than I had ever seen them. "I love you," he said softly, placing a kiss on my mouth before pulling away. "Just, remember that."
I nodded, not feeling the need to question him as he unclasped my bra from the front, placing kisses in the valley between my breasts before lowering his mouth over my nipple, sucking gently as I hissed, he nipping and licking soon after. His mouth had done wonders to mine, and what he was doing, was on a different playing field. I could only grip his hair, he paying attention to both breasts before kissing down lower, causing me to gasp once his mouth clamped onto my spot, pulling it into his mouth and smiling against me as I cried out, he looking already accomplished at something he had just started.
"Oh God," I managed to spit out just above a murmur, "Oh, God ..."
He knew exactly what to do. Tongue swirling around my clit as he had done with my own tongue earlier, sucking and licking gently every so often. Before I could even fathom what was happening, I felt his long finger enter me then, moving in and out in rhythm to his sucking, soon entering a second. "JC, I can't," I tightened my grip on the bed then, feeling a release wash over me that I hadn't had in a long time, crying out his name as it only drove him to move quicker, never stopping and soon bringing me to a second. As I slowly came down, he pulled away, placing soft kisses to each side of my inner thighs, snaking his body up mine between my legs and kissing me. I tasted myself in his mouth, gripping him tightly as I felt his erection press against my opening. Never in my life had I felt like I had at that moment, completely crazed and horny, completely in love and scared. "Wait," I said, pushing against him so that I could turn, he now on the bed as I lay above him. "You can't not give and not receive," I said softly, his eyes widening. "What?"
"I only did it because I wanted to," he said softly, hand brushing against my cheek. "You don't have to do it, Lily."
"I want to," I said softly, leaning down and laying feather-soft kisses on his collarbone, slowly trailing down his body until I was face to ... well, face, with his penis. Now, I know that he was rumored to have been packing a lot of socks in his luggage, but I never gave a second thought to it ... until now. The rumors were true, and I could only smile as I felt him literally arch off of the bed as my tongue slid out, licking remnants of pre-cum off of him. Now, I knew I had a reflex, so being one of those porn professionals wasn't going to work, but I knew I could do something. I took him in my mouth then, hearing him moan my name long and slow. I heard horror story among horror story from my sisters and friends about the act itself, but so far, it wasn't bad. At all. He seemed to be enjoying it as I got him off and sucked him off, he coming quicker than I did - though I knew a woman held out longer.
"Lily," he gasped, hands reaching for me as I got up, looking at him. "You've gotta stop, otherwise there isn't gonna be anything left for me to finish off," he whispered, grabbing my arms and flipping me to my back and kissing me once more, his tongue dancing against mine as his hands gripped mine, bringing them upward and holding them above my head. I rocked against him, feeling the head of his penis right there as he groaned again, free hand snaking down and stroking his shaft a few times, pushing it at my entrance. "I know you haven't done this in a while," he said softly, studying my face, "tell me if I hurt you."
I nodded, licking my lips before he put his mouth back on mine. With one slick thrust, he was inside me, crying out as he filled me completely. "Oh, God," I mumbled again, rocking my hips as he thrust, ankles locked at his backside as he released my hands then, being able to grip onto him as he supported himself above me, crying out as my nails did a number on his back.
"You feel so damn good," he mumbled, head dropping against my neck as he began to lick and suck again, his thrusts still slow and steady. I wasn't going to rush it; it just meant I felt him for longer periods of time, rather than erratically.
Sailing
Takes me away to where I always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
Soon I will be free, free
Suddenly, I felt his speed quicken, knowing that he was nearing his climax. His hand dropped down between us, stroking my clit in time with his thrusts, bringing me closer and closer to release along side of him. My walls tightened, head dropping back against the pillow as I cried out, he following shortly after and collapsing against my chest, still inside me as we both breathed heavily. He lifted his head, kissing the breast closest to his face before turning to look at me, a cocky smile on his face. "Now tell me that wasn't good."
"It wasn't," I said softly, he looking at me with wide eyes. "It was amazing."
He lifted himself so he was parallel to my face, lowering his mouth against my face. "Amazing," he murmured against my mouth as I smiled, bringing forth his own. "Amazing."
And it was.
