As I stand at the top of my staircase staring down at the front door Isabella has long since fled through, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be physically ill. How the hell did I end up here?

I watch as my cousin Rachel reenters the house after following Bella, and she looks up at me, shaking her head, “What the hell did you say to her J?”

I rest my elbows on the banister and let my head fall into my hands, tears flooding my eyes, “How did my life get so fucked up Rach?” I’m assuming she’s coming up the stairs because she knows it’s best not to discuss this with all these people around—people that include many members of Jessica’s family.

“What happened up here?” she asked again as she came to stand beside me, running a comforting hand over my back.

I shake my head, not knowing how to put it into words. After a long pause I mumble, “Am I crazy for marrying Jessica?”

Watching as she purses her lips and tries to group her thoughts, she finally says to me, “Justin, that’s not for me to say. This is your life.”

“That’s what Bells told me too.”

“What do you wish she told you?” she questioned carefully, quietly.

Looking up into Rachel’s blue eyes, I tell her softly, “I want her to tell me not to do it. I need to hear her say it Rach.”

“Well Justin, you have to face the facts that you’re probably not going to hear that out of her. It’s not that she doesn’t feel that way, because just by looking at her down there, it quite obvious that the girl is absolutely in love with you. She’s heartbroken right now. And if I know Bella at all, and you know I do, she doesn’t want to make this decision for you. She wants it to come from you.”

I hear someone clear their throat behind us, and I turn to see my mom and Trace, “Justin sweetheart, it’s time to get going.”

“If you’re going,” Trace added quietly, holding out his suit jacket for him.

Stepping forward and taking the jacket from his hand, I nod slowly, and head downstairs.

The entire time on the ride from my house to Paradise Cove in Malibu, my mind was racing. I was sure I was sweating profusely, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything but trying to keep my lunch down. I’m sure I looked like foolish, with my eyes closed tightly—it was all I could do to get that image of the heartbroken look on Bella’s face out of my head.

“Justin honey, are you feeling all right? You’re sweating,” my Momma asked me, concern evident in her voice.

I will myself to nod slowly, plastering a smile on my face and I open my eyes and look at her. And there it is again. Another picture of her sears through my mind, this time of her smiling. I just barely hold it together as I take in the vision of her blue eyes, those adorable rosy pink cheeks, and that smile—the smile makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it.

Trace leaned towards me, “Justin, you don’t have to do this you know,” he spoke softly, but I’m sure I saw Jessica’s brother pop his head up in surprise.

I choose to ignore Trace, too uncomfortable right now to even process what he’s saying. I feel the car pull to a stop, and see the beach come into view.  I don’t know whether to be thankful that I’m about to get fresh air, or hyperventilate because I’m that much closer to actually going through with this. Jessica’s not a bad person, I try to reason with myself. She adores me, she’s successful, and she’s pretty. Yeah she can be a bit superficial sometimes, and maybe she can tend to have a snobby attitude, but that’s no reason that she wouldn’t make a good wife, right? I shake my head, once again too frustrated and confused to even think.

My mother tugs on my hand and I move to exit the limo. As I step out the breeze hits my face, and I feel just slightly relieved. I look down onto the beach and see all of the guests seated, and while the decorations are pretty, they’re far too modern and trendy really for my taste, but it was what Jessica wanted.

Before I know it I find myself arriving down below at the head of the altar, nearly all of the guests looking my way. The only one I want to see though, I can’t seem to find in the crowd. I spy her mother, and look to her left only to find an empty space, the hot pink ceremony program laying there occupy the seat. Hot pink—really Jess? That’s a little tacky. Feeling movement beside me, I watch Trace step away momentarily, moving towards the stairway that leads to the beach. Following his path I finally see her, stepping down the last step. I lose my breath for a moment as I stare at her from afar, her glittering mini dress fitting her in all the right places, tanned skin glowing in the sunlight. It may sound cliché, but at that moment, she reminded me of an angel. I see Trace reach her, greeting her with a long hug. He waved off the usher and began to guide her himself towards the seat next to her mother, whispering to her softly along the way. I’m glad she has him to lean on right now.

It wasn’t until she sat down and he returned to my side that she allowed herself to look up at me. I know this because I know her—she had been looking everywhere but at me. The minute her cerulean eyes locked with mine I began to feel the tightness in my chest. It only worsened as I heard the opening chords of that stupid song ‘Sail Away’ by Enya. Jessica was trying way too hard to be trendy; this song bordered on cheesy, and I’m pretty sure I just saw Bells hold back a snort. It’s good to see her get a laugh in.

I didn’t see any of the bridesmaids walk up the aisle; I spent the whole time with my gaze fixated on Bella’s face. I did however snap my gaze up the minute I heard the Enya stop and the music to ‘Sailing’ by Christopher Cross start—the same song NSYNC covered on our first album. I’m pretty sure I’m irritated now. It all seemed so forced, and as I thought before, incredibly cheesy.

As I saw Jess start her journey down the aisle, a giant smile on her face and clad in a white satin dress with some sort of draping going on in the front, I once again glanced towards Bells, who’d adverted her gaze towards the water. The tightness in my chest rose a few notches as Jessica got closer and closer. What the hell am I doing?

Trace gives me a supportive pat on the shoulder, and I turn to look at him for a moment. I’m sure he caught the terrified look on my face.

When I turn back around she’s there, standing up at the ‘altar’ with me, a big bouquet of colorful flowers in her hands. I watch her turn and give them to her maid of honor before facing me again, reaching for my hands. I’m sure she feels how clammy they are, and I wonder if she thinks it’s cute that I’m nervous. What she doesn’t know is that it’s taking all of my strength and willpower not to hightail it off of that beach. I avoid looking directly in her eyes as the preacher begins to speak, and I manage to tune out most of what he’s saying. Before I know it we’ve gotten down to the nitty-gritty of the ceremony, and until now I’ve still managed to avoid anyone’s direct gaze.

As the priest addresses the guests, “If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” I wait, daring myself to look out in Bella’s direction and I catch her already halfway to the stairs, her hand covering her face.  Swallowing hard, I know Jess has followed my gaze, seeing her figure disappear at the top of the stairs, her mother not far behind her.   Hearing no objection (because if the priest had any clue as to what was transpiring, he’d have just seen the objection clear as day), he continued, “Jessica, please repeat after me.” He spoke the vows and then waits for Jessica to reiterate them.  

She smiles at me widely, obviously pleased that I’m still standing up there, and repeats, “I, Jessica, take you Justin, to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.”

Satisfied, the priest turns towards me, prompting me to repeat the same words.

Feeling the sweat beading on my forehead I release my hand from hers, swallowing hard as I reach up and wipe it off. Realizing I’ve probably been silent for a moment too long I open my mouth to speak, and take one last glance towards the stairs, “I—I,” I stutter, glancing behind me for a moment for some encouragement from Trace.

The look on Trace’s face is painful, and I turn back around without the motivation I’d sought.

“Justin,” I hear Jessica say to me, impatience lacing her voice, “it’s your turn.”

I close my eyes tightly and her face flashes through my mind again and it gives me the strength I need to say what I do next, “I can’t do this,” I spoke, softly but clearly.

Her mouth falls open and her grip on my hands tighten, “I’m not sure what you’re talking about Justin, but now is not the time.”

I pull my hands away from her, “Yes it is. I’m sorry Jess, I cannot go through with this.”

The anger in her eyes intensifies as I begin to walk away, “This is because of her, isn’t it?” she growled at me.

I turn around at the question, “Jessica, you knew this wasn’t right from the beginning, but you pushed and you pushed until I caved.”

She looked away from me for a moment, “Why don’t you want to marry me Justin? I want the truth.”

“It’s not your fault Jess,” I told her. “It just—,” I’m searching for the easiest way to say it.

“I’m not her,” she finished for me quietly.