December 21st, 1998

I rubbed my eyes as I descended the stairs the next morning. Note to self: don’t stay up to 2:30 talking, especially when you’re telling yourself that you’re tired. After Nick’s confession I didn’t get to sleep right away, we talked for a while, mainly about if we told someone else and if we thought we could. I guess talking put me to sleep ‘cause the next thing I knew I was beating Nick up for snoring so loudly. I swear it was like a bear was in my room.

As soon as I stood my head started to throb. That’s what I get for not getting much sleep. I needed to kill Nick later. Rubbing my forehead I took the stairs down into the kitchen and went in search for some painkillers.

“Morning.” I turned and saw JC sitting at the table with Bobbie. The strong smell of coffee made my stomach turn. Lou’s breath always smelled like stale coffee…I shook my head, mumbled a greeting and continued my search for the damn elusive painkillers. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I just have a headache. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I replied, finally finding the bottle of painkillers. I sat back on the counter and tried to twist open the top but it wouldn’t budge. Huh, I must be more tired than I thought.

“I’ll bet,” Bobbie muttered.

I paused and looked up at her as she sipped her coffee. “What are you talking about?” Really, I didn’t have time for this. I still had lights to put up.

“I mean, you said that we couldn’t have anyone of the opposite gender in our bedroom yet you’re all fine with having Nick spend the night in your room,” she replied, setting her coffee mug down on the table as JC pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re being a hypocrite.”

“Yet my intention wasn’t to bump uglies with him which––I’m sure and thankful that––I stopped you two from doing,” I replied, trying to open the cap again. “And we fell asleep talking, which I don’t know why I’m explaining this to you when it’s none of your business.”

“It’s my business when you’re being a hypocrite.”

“What’s it matter? You can have sex with JC anytime you want just not in my house. Either you’re desperate or JC’s that good in bed if you can’t wait a few days but judging how annoyed you are my best bet’s the first one.” I finally yanked the top off the painkillers off and watched as they flew out of the bottle and landed on the ground. “Great,” I muttered.

“Mack,” JC said in a strange tone.

I looked at him and noticed the look on his face. “Sorry, I guess I insulted you there,” I said, dropping to my knees, rushing to pick up the aspirin. If Little J and Oreo were in the kitchen they’d eat their “treats” before I had a chance to pick them all up. “Where are Kelly and the others?”

“They had an early flight so they left.”

“Wait, what time is it?” I turned and searched for the clock. My eyes rested on the blue numbers on the microwave. 11:36. Whoa, I slept later than usual. “Oh. Did they say anything?”

“Yeah, Danni said as soon as you get to New York to stop by their apartment.”

“Oh, ok. Are you hungry? I can make breakfast really quick.”

“Lynn already made something before she left, but that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” he replied.

“Left? Where’d she go?” I tossed the painkillers into the trashcan and washed my hands.

“She went to the hospital with your mom, dad, grandmother, and Mike.”

“Why? Is everything ok?” I turned and looked at him in time to see him exchange a look with Bobbie. It was one of those looks, the look that you knew that something was wrong. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. “What’s wrong?”

“Honeybee, you’re going to want to sit down,” he said gently.

“I’m fine standing. What’s wrong?” I demanded.

He let out a slow breath and held my gaze as Bobbie squeezed his hand. Somehow I kept the bile in my stomach down. The two have been dating for what, two months?, and all ready they were at the hand-holding-sympathy stage. “Your mother was admitted to the hospital this morning because of…” he made a face as if searching for the right word. “Complications,” he finally said.

I lifted my eyebrows. “Liiiike?”

“Just say it, there’s no point in prolonging it,” Bobbie urged him.

JC nodded. “Your mother was admitted to the hospital because she had a miscarriage.” Time stopped. Everything stopped. I swear my heart even stopped for a moment as I let JC’s words sink in. No, no. no! Not again! I couldn’t even get anything to come out of my mouth, I was frozen. “She’s fine,” he added. As if that’s going to make me feel any better. “The doctor’s say she’s healthy. She should be back later today. But, um, there’s something else.” No, I don’t think I can take anything else. “Um, your dad got his blood tests back. He, uh, he has Lukemia.”

“Ok,” I muttered. Of all the things I could get out of my mouth it was ‘ok’? I swear I could hear my world crashing around me. “Ok,” I repeated, turning to leave the room. I had to get out of here fast. I could feel the dam behind my eyes started to break. I broke into a run when I heard a chair scraping against the floor, JC no doubt. I managed to get up the stairs and I closed the door with much more force than necessary. Nick shot straight up, yelling something about ‘Brian’ and not ‘his fault’. I ignored him as I moved around my room trying to find my shoes and my wallet. Nick watched me curiously as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, yawning in the process. I paused only to smile a little bit at the state his hair was in. It was sticking out all over the place as if he had stuck his finger in a light socket. “When’s your flight?” I asked him, finally finding my vans under the bed.

“Not until four something, why?” He asked as I darted into the closet and grabbed a pair of jeans and a black and white striped shirt.

“Get dressed, we’re going somewhere,” I instructed, shutting myself in the bathroom and locking the door. I leaned against it and tried to steady my breath. My heart tried to beat its way out of my ribcage as I listened to Nick moving around in my room. My mind was racing at the speed of light. My brother or sister is dead. My dad has cancer. And Nick had to leave me alone to deal with all of this. I didn’t want him to go, then I’d have to go back to dealing with the looks of sympathy and pity from the guys again. He was good at blocking those looks, I had fun with him, with the others nowadays…let’s just say I find myself wanting to be by myself than be with them more often than not. And Nick…Nick understood me, he got me and didn’t bother questioning my logic or why I do what I do. I know I can always just talk to him on the phone like I always did but it wasn’t the same. Being around him…it felt like nothing could touch me and now I had to face reality again? Life sucks.

I quickly changed into my clothes and stepped out of the bathroom, tossing my dirty clothes into the hamper. I watched as Nick jumped around trying to get his other leg into his jeans. Little J and Oreo woke up at the commotion and started running around him, yipping happily. He finally lost his balance and fell over with a thud. “You never cease to amuse me,” I stated.

“That’s what I’m here for,” he groaned, buttoning his pants and sitting up. “Where are we going?”

“Does it really matter?”

He paused a bit before shaking his head. “Not really.”

“That’s what I thought.” I scooped up Little J and Oreo and managed to open the door without dropping them. I went back down the stairs into the kitchen where Bobbie and JC were still sitting, talking quietly. They immediately clammed up and looked at me as I scooped food into their bowls. “Do you mind? I’d rather only have five holes in my head, not nine,” I said without turning to look at them, quickly scribbling a note on the refrigerator’s notepad.

“Do you want to talk?” JC asked.

“Well, the longer you talk the more I’m going to tune you out so it really wouldn’t be effective,” I replied, truthfully. “I should be back in about an hour, two tops.”

“Where are you going?”

“Why?” I demanded, stopping at the edge of the area that the kitchen connected with the living room.

“Just tell me,” he sighed.

“No, it’s none of your business,” I replied, turning to get away from him.

He jumped in front of me and put his hands on my shoulders, stopping me. “I know you’re upset with all the things that have been happening lately but you can’t just run away.”

“Don’t touch me!” I snapped and he immediately dropped his hands and backed away. I let in a long breath slowly clenching my hands into fists. “Don’t go off on him. He’s only trying to help,” I whispered to myself. Yeah, but he’s getting on your nerves trying to get all parent-y, her inner voice told her. “I just want to go shopping.” You could’ve thought of a better lie. I mentally kicked myself.

“Shopping?” Apparently he didn’t think it was a good one either. “Mack, you hate shopping.”

“The girls say it’s therapeutic so I figured I’d give it a shot,” I replied, scratching my neck.

“Either way you should go with someone. Wake Justin.”

“JC, I’m sixteen, and this is my home. I know where I’m going and you don’t have to treat me like a baby. I’m fine, no I don’t want to talk, and yes, I’m sure,” I rattled off, answering the usual questions he asks me. I hated seeing the hurt look in his eyes but he had to understand that I didn’t want to talk to any of those guys just yet. Silently he nodded and moved out of my way. “Thank you.” I walked past him and went to the door, grabbing my beanie off of the coat rack as Nick came up behind me. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” he replied, zipping his jacket.

“Go where?” Joey asked suddenly, putting down the newspaper he was readying. I didn’t even notice him sitting on the couch.

“Shopping,” I replied.

“Hey now, you know you can’t go shopping without me. Without me you wouldn’t look as fabulous as you do now,” he said, standing.

“Fine,” I growled through clenched teeth before yanking the door open.

“Hey, um, is something wrong? I mean, aside from the o-obvious,” Nick stuttered slightly, following me out the door and to the cars. I didn’t respond. “I know something’s bothering you,” he called from behind me. I kept walking. He gently grabbed my elbow. “Remember while you were on tour? Whenever you got overwhelmed or you wanted to talk about anything or nothing? Remember who was there to all hours in the night potentially risking Kevin’s wrath just to make sure you could sleep ok? Well, I’m here now; you don’t have to talk to me through a phone. What’s going on?”

Uh oh. I could feel the dam cracking again. “I just found out…that my mom miscarried again and my dad has Leukemia.” I said it so quietly I could barely even hear it myself so I was surprised that he caught him. His mouth dropped open slightly.

“Oh, Mack, I’m so sorry,” he said as he put a hand on my shoulder. I flinched slightly but didn’t move. His hand wasn’t heavy, like Lou’s, or loose like the guys’. It was…perfect. “If it’s any consolation…things always get worse before they get better.”

“I think I’ve hit bottom,” I admitted, sighing, my breath coming out as smoke in front of me. I couldn’t help but smile at the cloud. I remember when I was younger when I would come up here I’d always pretend I was a dragon. Man, years sure do fly.

“The farther you fall the higher you’ll fly.”

I tried to stifle it but I burst out laughing. “You sound like a fortune cookie.”

“I’ve been told that. It’s what I get for being the oldest.” His smile faded but the light in his eyes remained. “Do you want a hug?” He asked then quickly added, “Not that it can really change things but–

“Sure. I could use one.” He paused and smiled. Something in that smile was different, his eyes were different, I couldn’t put my finger on it. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his waist. I stiffened involuntarily when he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him but I relaxed when he squeezed gently. He’s exactly a foot taller than me so I rested my head on his shoulder right by his neck and, to my surprise, he rested his chin on top of my head.

It wasn't uncomfortable, surprisingly. In fact this was the most at peace I felt in a while. I could hear the soft murmur of his heartbeat and she tightened her arms around him and he responded by doing the same.

“Am I interrupting?” Joey asked with an amused smile.

“You’re not funny,” I said, backing away from Nick and grabbing the keys out of Joey’s hand. The cold wind hit my unusually warm cheeks as I unlocked the car door and got in, turning on the car and quickly buckling myself.

“So, Canada, are you that cold or are your cheeks red from something else?” Joey asked as he got into the passenger side and buckled up.

“Stuff it, Joseph!” I mumbled, backing the car out of the driveway as he smirked.

 ----

“You said we were going shopping.”

“And you thought I actually told the truth!?”

“Yes!”

“Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, you don’t know me at all. Now come on, a few hours in here isn’t going to kill you.” I rolled my eyes as I pulled open the door to the hair salon. A ding rang throughout the place as the heat instantly warmed my cheeks and face.

“Abbey Road!” I called, hanging up my hat and my coat as Joey and Nick looked around.

“Macaroni and Cheese!” A voice called from a backroom.

“Do you know everyone in this city?” Joey asked lifting an eyebrow.

Before I could responded strong arms wrapped around me and a kiss was planted on my forehead. “Whoa, look who…hasn’t grown,” the woman chuckled.

I rolled my eyes again. “Thanks for pointing out that I’m vertically challenged.” I turned to Joey and Nick. “Joe, Nick, this is my aunt Abbey. Abbey, these are my friends Joey and Nick.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Abbey said with a heavy accent, shaking their hands. She paused and squinted at Nick who’s eyes shifted under her gaze. “I’ve seen you somewhere before,” she mused, putting a finger to her ruby red lips.

“Uh, well, I’m in a band,” Nick said as he took his hand back and scratched his neck.

“He’s in the Backstreet Boys, Abby,” I filled in as she continued to tap her lips.

“Ohhh! I was wondering where I saw that cute face.” She turned and winked at me. “You have good taste in men.”

“He’s my friend, that’s all,” I said grabbing her arm. I dropped my voice and rubbed my arms more out of habit than being cold. “Did you hear about Dad?” I figured she would by now, seeing as she was his sister.

She bit her lip and nodded. “Charlotte called earlier this morning. I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to him yet, not that he’d want to. You know how stubborn he gets.”

“Yeah, I’ve been told that’s where I get my stubbornness from,” I replied. “Anyway, I was hoping you’d be able to squeeze me in. I need something different. Black is boring,” I said motioning to my hair.

“What did you have in mind, Macintosh?”

“I was thinking everything midnight blue rinse? That way it’s black but blue in a certain light.”

She put her hands on her hips. “That’s kinda drastic, don’t you think?”

“Abbey, I just got through a ruptured appendix and my world falling apart. This isn’t all that drastic.”

She shrugged. “Ok. Is that it?”

“No.” I turned to Nick and smiled innocently at him and he knitted his eyebrows together. “He’s getting a haircut.”

Abbey looked him over. “Good eye.”

 ----

“What!?” Lance, Chris, and Justin exclaimed.

JC nodded. “They called this morning.”

“Man. She must think her world’s falling apart,” Lance sighed, running a hand through his blond hair. Justin and Chris stayed silent, staring hard at the kitchen table that they were gathered around. The only other sound were Bobbie’s fingernails as they tapped against the table. She held her chin in her palm and rolled her eyes. “What can we do?”

“Aside from standing back and watching her slowly pull herself away again, nothing,” Justin mumbled. “Aside from letting her know, once again, that we’re here for her.” He had a slight edge to his voice. Chris glanced at Lance who shrugged.

“Why don’t we…make her lunch or dinner depending on when they get back?” Lance suggested. “Or we can just skip that and make her favorite cake. Something to cheer her up a bit. It’s Christmas; we’re supposed to be in good spirits, right?”

“That’s a good idea, Lance,” JC said, rubbing his chin. He then made a face and looked at Bobbie. “Sorry, sweetie, we’re going to have to cancel our walk around town.”

“You’re going to skip spending time with me to make a cake?” She asked, making sure she understood what he was saying. Chris gave out some lame excuse about needing to find a sock and enlisting Justin’s and Lance’s help, dragging them out of the room by their shirts.

“I sense a problem,” JC stated.

“Of course there’s a problem,” Bobbie replied. “Ever since I got here you haven’t been paying attention to me at all. You’ve let some…kid dictate what we can do here! I can’t even be in the same room with you without feeling like I’m breaking some sort of rule.”

“This isn’t my house, Bobbie,” JC said slowly. “She’s letting us use it and I don’t want to step past any boundaries or she won’t let us up here again. You should really be more thankful ‘cause, technically, you weren’t invited up here.”

Bobbie gently ran a hand up his arm. “But you invited me.”

“Right, but the guys’ girlfriends were here because she invited them and she knows them.” He sighed and rubbed his temples. “Bobbie, she’s in a bad place right now and I want to be there for her. I promised Lynn that I would look out for her when neither she nor Mrs. D could.”

“But pushing me out of the way for her? She’s a kid, Josh, just a kid. The other guys can take care of her, what makes you so special for the job?” Bobbie sighed. JC merely shrugged. “Sweetie, I just wanted to spend our first Christmas together,” she said, trailing her finger across his lips.

He gently grasped her finger and kissed the pad. “And maybe that’s the problem.” She looked at him in confusion.

----

“Well? What do you think?” I asked as I bounced on my toes. Joey continued to look at me with that stunned look on his face. “Oh no. You hate it don’t you? It’s so bad, isn’t it? Oh, I knew it was too dark.” I grabbed the ends of my hair and held it in front of my face. “Maybe I should’ve gone with the streaks again? Or maybe it should’ve been lighter. Ohhh, why didn’t you talk me out of it?”

“Mack! Stop!” Joey said, grabbing my shoulders and laughed. “You’re freaking out over nothing. I’m just kinda shocked, is all. It looks good on you, really, and you know I’m not lying.” He wheeled me around and held me in front of the mirror. “See? This hair, a little bit of silver makeup around your eyes, a nice skirt and bam, that’s one stunner right there!”

“If you ever catch me in a skirt,” I chuckled.

“I’ll get you in one sooner or later.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Maybe.”

I laughed and looked at my hair from different angles when Nick’s reflection appeared beside mine. “Are you trying  to give me a heart attack?” I demanded, whirling around.

“Sorry, I thought you heard me calling your name,” he said, shrugging innocently. My eyes scanned over his haircut. Abbey always did a good job but she outdid herself this time. His hair was styled kinda the same way, separated down the middle but instead of just hanging there it was gelled a bit so the part made a M like shape. In short, and I will never admit this, but he looked cute. “I was trying to ask you if you’d take me to the airport.”

My heart sank. “You have to leave all ready?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Ok, where’s Joey?” I turned and rolled my eyes. Joey was talking to some of the hairdressers and they were laughing to whatever it was he was saying. “C’mon Romeo, we have to go,” I said, grabbing his elbow and pulling him out of the shop, ignoring his protests.

The drive to the airport was relatively short, no one else was crazy enough to drive through the snow that started to fall. Apparently Joey got freaked out whenever I got behind the wheel, especially now because he kept a death grip on the car door. Geeze, I have had my permit for a few months you’d think he’d trust me by now. We got to the airport safely and Joey jumped out of the car, thanking every sort of God out there that we made it safe. He was being a total drama queen about it. Surprisingly his flight wasn’t cancelled or delayed at all. Would it be bad to wish for it to suddenly be cancelled?

“Have a safe flight,” Joey said as the others on his plane started to board. He held out his hand and Nick clasped it, both smiling as they shook.

“That’s not going to ease my nerves,” he responded.

“You hate flying too?”

“Yeah. Something about the turbulence is nerving. I’m usually knocked out for a while, though.” He chuckled. “I kinda picked the wrong profession to hate flying, huh?”

“Most of us hate flying as well,” Joey laughed. “Hey, good luck with the tour.”

“Thanks man. You guys should come out and see it once we have our home show,” Nick said looking at Joey then at me.

“We will, depending on our schedules obviously,” I said, shoving my hands into my pockets. He nodded and smiled. Joey looked back and forth between us before muttering something about getting the car warmed up. “I wouldn’t pass up seeing it though,” I said, breaking the silence.

“You should, I mean you did help choreograph it,” he commented. “I’ll admit although Johnny’s told us how good of a dancer you were we were kinda skeptical about you choreographing our video and our tour.”

“Why, because I’m a girl?” I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest.

“No, ‘cause you’re so small,” he replied with a teasing grin. “No, the others didn’t like change. Fatima was a good choreographer for us but Johnny said we needed a change so…not that it was a bad one, it ended up good.”

“That’s a compliment, right?”

“It’s supposed to be one.” He paused. “Stay near Justin, ok? Don’t go anywhere near Lou by yourself.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not stupid, Nick.”

“I never said you were, this is just for my sanity, so I can at least pretend that you’re ok. It’ll help me sleep better at night.”

“Aww, I didn’t know you cared so much,” I teased.

“You’re like my sister. Well, you’re not nearly as crazy, loud, or weird as BJ, Leslie, or Angel, but you get my point.”

“Right.” I nodded. Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting at all.

“What’re your plans again?”

“Um, I’m busy most of January doing movie promo and going to the studio but otherwise I’m just going to be at home or on the road with the guys.”

“Well, whenever we’re in Orlando at the same time we should hang out. I’m sure the guys miss you,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Tell ‘em I miss them too and that sounds like a good idea. Just give me a call whenever you get home. Maybe then I can finally meet your brother and sisters.”

“Maybe. I just don’t want to scare you.”

“I think I can handle it.”

He looked up when his flight as called again. “I should go. Oh, call us as soon as you open our gift.”

“I will, I promise.” I, involuntarily (or was it a muscle spasm?), held my arms out and he pulled me into a hug. It didn’t last nearly as long as the other hug because he was in a rush. He waved to me over his shoulder and I waved back, laughing as he suddenly stopped and made sure to step onto the terminal with his right foot first. Chuckling and ignoring the sudden empty feeling I ran back to the car to make sure Joey wasn’t freezing to death. “Hey, I thought I was driving,” I said, leaning into the window of the passenger side as Joey rolled down the window.

“And I want to get back in one piece,” he said, wiggling his fingers.

“I drive fine,” I protested, getting in and handing over the keys.

“Yeah, and you don’t have an addiction to Oreos.”

“I don’t!”

“Surrrre.”

“Shut up.”

----

As soon as I opened the door to the house the smell of smoke hit my nostrils. I looked at Joey who shrugged before I tossed off my hat and jacket and raced into the kitchen, waving my hand in front of my face to get rid of the smoke that came pouring out.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I thundered.

 JC, Lance, Chris, and Justin all froze, staring at the charred lump in front of them and slowly looked up at me.

"You know...you're so cute when you're mad," Justin said with a charming grin.

 "Then I must look adorable!" I snarled. "First, JC, where’s your other half? Did she have any help in destroying my kitchen?”

“Oh, well, I sent her home,” JC replied, wiping flour off of his nose. “You were right, she wasn’t invited and you don’t really know her and I figured you only needed friends and family around you right now so I asked her to go home. We’ll just hang out later.”

“Ok, Now, again, I ask for my sanity, what're you doing?" JC nudged Lance, who nudged Chris, who nudged Justin who gulped.

“Um, well, we wanted to cheer you up and we figured we should make you your favorite cake,” Justin said as he twisted his fingers in his hands. “And, we didn’t know when you’d get back and we wanted the cake to be done before you got back so we turned up the heat thinking that it’d be done faster…but it burnt instead and now here you are. Don’t kill us!”

I don’t know what it was: how ridiculous they looked covered in flour or how ridiculous their thought process was but either way I suddenly found myself leaning against the counters laughing hysterically, tears streaming down my face, my abs clenching. I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.

“You guys…are so…” I managed to get out of my laughter.

“Comedic?” JC guessed.

"Entertaining?" Lance supplied.

"Devastatingly good looking?" Justin asked.

I shook my head. "So...stupid!" And then the laughter tturned to tears which turned to our famous group hug. It was very therapeutic and, right now, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else without these guys.