April 19th, 1998
Montreal, Quebec, Canada

“Wait, run this by me again,” Lance said, a look of disbelief settling in his green eyes. “You two aren’t friends now? Just like that?”

I nodded and stepped out from the changing screen. “Just like that.” I reached behind my back and tried to tie another knot on top of the knot of the bandana-print tube top I was given but found my fingers fumbling

Like Liam wanted, I was up at six to get to the photo shoot in time which meant I had to pass on Mémé chocolate chip pancakes. The guys came later and now were hanging around as they waited for my shoot to end. Not wanting to have to sit on my hurt feelings for the rest of the day, I got Lance to help me with some of my outfit choices as I explained everything. It felt good getting that weight off my chest.

“Why’d you suggest it in the first place?”

“I was just talking. I say a lot of shit when I’m frustrated. I didn’t think he’d actually agree to it.” My tongue peeked out of the corner of my mouth as I continued to try and manipulate the knot. “He doesn’t even think we were friends in the first place, Lance. If that’s not a giant neon sign to give up on him, I don’t know what is.”

He didn’t say anything, not that I expected him to. I’d be surprised if he found anything to say against it or say anything to change my mind. So, as of this moment on, I’m officially over JC Chasez. And he made it easy. When I woke up this morning he was on the phone talking to someone and the next thing I knew his girlfriend was latched onto his arm like Velcro. Okay, fine, whatever. Not the first person I’ve had to get over, won’t be the last.

“Lance! Help!” I cried out, giving up.

Chuckling, he got off the small couch in the room and stood behind me to help tie the knot I had started. “Do you honestly think he feels that way, though?” he asked. “I mean, honestly? He’s probably still hurt. He probably said something he didn’t mean, like you did.”

“Regardless, it only goes to show he doesn’t think so highly of me if he didn’t even fight me on it,” I replied. I turned to look at the chosen outfit when he tapped me on the shoulder. I tilted my head to the side in an attempt to see it from a different angle. The red bandana top hugged against my upper back as the cloth in the front draped down until the tip rested right atop of my bellybutton. It was paired with a simple pair of dark jeans; a leather bracelet on my wrist was the only accessory that went along with it. Only a tiny bit of fabric on my back left me feeling oddly exposed. Giving my head a shake, I turned away from the mirror. “I mean, its one thing to ignore my feelings completely and it’s another to blatantly not accept my apology. I hate apologizing, Lance.”

“I know,” he said with a nod of his head.

“I don’t like that it puts power in the other persons’ hands,” I continued on, finger-combing my hair. “Now, not only does he have that power but he has the gall to bring his girlfriend around today.” I scoffed and ran my tongue against the inside of my cheek. “And, to top it all off, I have cramps that would cripple an elephant.”

“Well, I can’t help with all of that,” Lance admitted as his cheeks turned a bit red (boys and their aversion to period talk!), “but I can offer up a hug as the next best thing.”

“That works.” I stood on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“Do you want me to talk to JC?”

“No!” I nearly shouted, stepping away from him. He winced and wiggled his finger in his ear. “Sorry. But no. Please don’t. The last thing I want is to look even more like a kid by sending a messenger.” I turned back to the mirror and gave myself one more once over. Once I was satisfied with my reflection I motioned for him to follow me.

We left the designated dressing area and walked back to where the photographer was setting up for the next series of shots. A blank white backdrop had been hung up while I was gone and tall lights stood next to it, washing it in a golden glow. “Damn!” Joey’s sudden outburst made me jump. “You’re lookin’ fine as hell!”

“Someone call the fire department, there’s something way too hot in here,” Chris added, quickly following it up with a wolf whistle that made me blush.

“Thanks guys,” I murmured, tucking my hair. “You really think it looks okay?” I started to tug on the bottom of the top and then stopped myself. The last thing I wanted to do was flash everyone in the room. Hmm, maybe this shirt wasn’t such a good idea…

“Okay!? You’re sexy,” Joey replied with a wink.

“Shut up, guys,” Justin grumbled, glaring daggers.

“Well thanks, J, way to ruin my self-esteem,” I commented, sticking my tongue out at him.

He visibly bristled as Joey and Chris chuckled and elbowed each other. “Sorry. It’s just that—”

“It’s that he doesn’t know how to handle you,” Joey filled in, draping his arm around my shoulders. “’Cause he’s a little boy. He doesn’t know what he’s got right here.” He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “You need a man to handle you. I, for one, suggest myself. The ladies say I’m pretty handy.”

“Oh, come on! She looks good but she doesn’t look that good.”

I scoffed and crossed my arms. “Well, damn, why don’t you just stab me in the back while you’re at it?” Just when I was feeling good about the outfit too.

Justin’s lips turned down and his eyebrows furrowed and…oh no. I know that look. He can’t possibly be pouting. Oh, now there go his eyes, getting all big and wet and ugh! I couldn’t wait to hear what he came up with to try and climb his way out of his hole. “It’s not fair! They’re making me sound bad,” he whined.

“Oh ho ho, you’re diggin’ that grave all on your own, buddy,” I replied, patting him on the arm, “you don’t need the help.”

His lower lip stuck out even further if that were possible. “Don’t be mad at me,” he all but begged.

Was he out of his gourd? I stared at him and wished I had his medical records in my hands to make sure he wasn’t certifiably crazy. “Well I’m not exactly skipping through a field of flowers,” I commented.

He stepped closer to my side and lowered his voice. “I just don’t like when people make comments like that towards you.”

“It’s just Joey and Chris for one thing,” I said, completely exasperated, “and for another, it’s a harmless comment. I think I can handle it. I don’t need you defending me all the time. Especially if you call that defending me. You’re only coming off jealous, which is really funny considering how things stand with us now. Of which was your decision, if you forgot.” He actually had the decency to look ashamed, bless his heart. “You can’t be possessive and push me away in the same arm.” He blew a breath out of the side of his mouth and shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Mind tellin’ me what that’s all about?”

He huffed. “It seems every time I turn around lately you’re in some deep conversation with the others,” he replied, shoving his hands in his pockets. “JC, Lance…”

“Justin, I love you, but I’m going to have other friends,” I said slowly. Maybe if I slowed down my words they’d sink into his brain better. But still, it hurt seeing that sad look on his face. Did he think I was trying to replace him? Impossible! He may be a butt-head but he’s my butt-head, forever and always. “You’re not always going to be the first person I run to. I mean, I can talk to them about stuff I can’t talk to you about.”

“Like what?” he asked.

“Like you,” I replied bluntly. “Kinda can’t talk to you about you. Or about boys. It’s why I talk to Lance about ‘em. You go crazy if one even looks at me twice.  Which, to you, seems like a valiant thing but it’s not. I’m no damsel in distress. I don’t need a knight in shining armor to come to my rescue. I can rescue myself from the damn castle you put me in.” I paused and then added, “Besides, of all people to be jealous of, JC isn’t one of them considering we’re not friends anymore so there’s that.”

“I thought something was funny,” he muttered. That’s the part he decided to focus on? I shook my head. Dunno why I’m so surprised. Justin Timberlake was the master at deflecting. He touched my arm. “Y’okay?”

I shrugged. “Oh, I’m fine. No sense in dragging out a friendship that, apparently, never even existed, yeah? But it’s fine. I have you guys still. And my band. And the guys from home. I’m overflowing with friends. I’m good. I’m great.” And maybe I’m cool and awesome and totally rad too. 

I couldn’t stop my eyes from traveling to the other side of the room where JC was sitting. I would have forgotten that he was sitting there with how quiet he was only it seemed I was acutely aware of every single little thing he did. Every time he breathed, every time he coughed, every time he tapped his fingers against his mouth, every damn time he looked like he wanted to say something but he kept his mouth shut. All this and I was still looking for his approval. Jesus Christ, I’m so pathetic.

Did he look sad? Bothered even? Or was my mind just playing tricks on me, allowing wishful thinking to cloud what I was really seeing? It was hard to tell. My dreams and hopes and reality were starting to blend together so much I didn’t know when I was sleeping or awake anymore.

“Hey Rockstar, you ready?” Liam asked as he walked over. In the process he slipped his cell phone into his pocket and then handed me my half-empty Coke bottle. I unscrewed the cap and took a sip before noticing the man standing next to him with a camera in his hands. And I don’t mean a photography camera; I mean a big-ass video camera. The kind that had to be situated on his shoulder to keep his shot steady. Noticing me looking at the man, Liam chuckled and introduced the two of us, adding, “He’s going to be following you around today. For a behind the scenes sort of special. A Day in the Life if you will. To give your fans a look into how hard you work, what you do during down time, stuff like that.” He clapped his hands together and smiled. “Should be fun, huh?”

The camera man lifted the camera to his shoulder a bright light turned on, nearly blinding me. So this was my firing squad. I really had to be careful with what I thought, sometimes. The slowly swallowed the Coke I had been holding in my mouth. The bubbles burned my throat and slid down into my stomach, taking over the large ball of nerves that had settled deep within.

Okay, no big deal. No problem. I’ll just focus on taking some good pictures. I love photo shoots, funnily enough. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about standing in front of the camera and wearing clothes I could only wish to own that put my mind at ease.

And it was just all around fun. I mean, normally I wouldn’t have people fussing over my hair or doing my makeup or making me feel like I’m someone important, someone special. But that was their job and for a small part of the day I felt important and I felt special and I liked to hold onto it while it lasted.

It was like a firework going off, the lights and the sparkles lit me up until they faded and seeped back into the darkness again only hours later. But the show was worth it in the end, no matter how short it was and how empty I felt afterwards and how much the strange sense of longing smothered me.

So I relished in the flashbulbs going off as I struck pose after pose, tilting my head this way and that, smiling and frowning and laughing as I was prompted along. A radio was playing in the background so it wasn’t long before I got caught up in it, dancing and singing along as they took picture after picture. They ate it up.

And when Joey jumped into a shot and started dancing with me it only made the photographer start salivating like a dog getting a treat for the first time in months. So it wasn’t long before the rest of the guys were posing in pictures with me. I didn’t mind it; in fact I preferred having them to bounce off of so to speak. Because then everything was easy and we were happy and everything was fun. Like it was supposed to be. Like this whole thing was supposed to be; working with my friends and being in the same business was supposed to be fun. Where did that go? What kind of Pandora’s Box did my life hide it in?

Well, that didn’t matter now. As I sat on the floor with the pictures that needed to be approved spread on every open surface, surrounded by the boys who laughed and pointed at certain slides, I soaked it all in. The smiles, the laughter, the ease, the normalcy. It was just like old times. So I held onto it before I had to move onto the next thing, which was rehearsing on the stage.

That wasn’t too bad. My set was going to be split between doing rock songs and pop songs to show that not only can I sing I can dance well too. I couldn’t wait to get my body moving and nail my steps and experience the certain kind of fun I got from dancing.

“This isn’t fun anymore!” I lamented, only to hear my the phrase repeated a few times due to the microphone nestled in front of my mouth. It was then followed by my heavy pants as tried to catch my breath after having gone through the same dance sequence for the fifteenth time. I don’t know why we weren’t getting it.

Ignoring the cameraman to my right—which was a little bit hard considering I almost kicked the camera three times now—I walked over to Lyric and Codie who were panting as much as I was. Lyric’s face was almost as red as her hair and Codie’s sweaty chest reflected the light of the afternoon sun. Gabe and Sevvie stood offstage, partially hidden by the large speakers that sat on the sides of the stage.

While the audience wasn’t anywhere near being filled due to the festival not starting for a few more hours, there were a fair share of workers milling about, making sure everyone was in their place and all the equipment was where it needed to be. The boys were hanging around the security barrier cheering and clapping whenever we successfully got through a song, which helped at first. But now I was getting embarrassed to have them watch us constantly mess up.

Yes, embarrassed. Me! And I hardly get embarrassed but this was the second time in less than a week. It’s one thing to jump in and teach a girl’s dance class at the last minute and earn fifth place as a result (which has never happened to me before, might I add!) but it’s another to not do my own job right in front of people that have gone out on a limb for me to be here.

Covering my microphone with my hand I stepped closer to Lyric and Codie and asked, “What is it we’re getting wrong? The timing? The spacing?”

“We just changed the choreography, don’t beat yourself up about it,” Lyric said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “It’s going to take a bit for your body to unlearn what it already knows.”

“That’s not good enough,” I huffed. “We only have…I don’t know, three hours left? That’s assuming Liam doesn’t spring an interview on me. And we still don’t have the set-list finalized. Are we doing a cover or not? Are we playing any new songs or no? Should we remix them or not?” I began to pace as I continued my rant and I could see Liam’s panicked expression off on the sidelines. Oh well. He was the one who wanted a day in the life segment, I’m going to be as real as it gets. I could feel my chest begin to tighten as words flew out of my mouth. “Are we going for flash or simplicity? Do we want to try and add some tricks in or play it safe and go for good, clean choreo? What happens if we don’t win over the crowd? What happens if one of us misses a step? What—”

“We do what we’re supposed to do,” Codie interrupted me as Lyric grabbed my shoulders and gave me a shake. “You move onto the next step, don’t let them know you did something wrong and keep the energy up.”

“Keep the energy up!” Lyric echoed, shouting like a drill sergeant.

“And…don’t freak out,” Codie continued, concern slipping onto her face as she peered at me. “You look like you’re going to puke.” Funny, ‘cause I feel like I’m going to puke too. A stagehand ran over with a chair and she knelt as she helped me sit down. Standing up she motioned to Liam and called, “Can we get some water?”

Well, I would’ve preferred another Coke but water was probably better. Soda would probably only make the tightness in my chest worse. As I removed my microphone and in-ear monitors, Liam came over with a bottle of water and shooed the cameraman away, asking him to film the workers instead. He got the hint and lowered the camera from his shoulder to hurry off to God knows where. “Have you eaten today, Kiddo?” he asked while handing me the water bottle. “I can have someone run and get you a burger or something.”

I gulped down some water and then shook my head. I didn’t want food. My stomach hurt too much to keep anything down anyway. “That’s not what I want,” I replied.

“Well, what is it? I can do my best to get it.”

“I want my dad.”

He paused. “I don’t think I can get him for you.”

“Well, then, I want my mom.”

“Can’t get her either, Sweetie.” And he actually sounded apologetic too. “How about I get one of the guys for you?” He asked, turning around to motion to them. “Do you need Justin?”

I was about to nod but then I stopped myself and replied, “No, I want Joey.” I didn’t miss the surprise in Liam’s eyes as he blinked but he nodded and called for Joey like I wanted. As I waited I blew out a breath and looked out at the grass that would be filled with who knows how many people in time. Could be 10, could be 100, and could be no one. At this point I’d be happy with only one person showing up; it’d be scores less people to freak out about.

I pressed the cold water bottle to my forehead and waited for Joey to get up on the stage. Lyric and Codie patted my knee and then went off to join the rest of the band. I looked up as Joey approached and knelt by me, balancing on his feet as his arms rested on his knees. “Joey, what if I’m making a mistake?” I asked. At his confused expression I continued. “I’m not supposed to be up here,” I replied, spreading my arms to encompass the surrounding area. “I’m supposed to be watching you from the sidelines and…and cheering you on and going about my business. Not have…so many people relying on me. What if I fuck it all up? Liam’s out of a job. So’s the band. And all the other people. And then my name’s mud and all of this will be for nothing and I’ll become a failure and people won’t take my dancing seriously and I’ll have to go back to Orlando with a sick dad that I couldn’t take care of like I said I would and—” There’s that tightness again, it was getting hard to breathe, which was the last thing I needed to deal with right now.

“And you need to take a breath!” Joey interrupted me with a little laugh. Which, y’know, I would do if I could breathe properly. I could feel my heart hammering against my chest and my hands begin to shake. “If people didn’t think you weren’t good enough they wouldn’t put all this time and money into you. You have to trust them. And yourself. Now come on, what’s this really about?”

“What if I fail?” I asked, my voice quiet. Only that wasn’t the extent of my worry. It all ran through my head like a whirlwind: What if I failed and JC and I didn’t make up? What if I failed and my dad got worse because of me? What if I failed and my dancing career came to a halt? What if I failed and I never saw Justin or the rest of the guys again? I couldn’t bear that, having to go back to a “normal” life and only see them once a year, twice if I’m lucky.

“Well, that’s always a chance,” he admitted, “but you have us. Even if this doesn’t work out you’ll always be the first person we go to for new routines. We’ll take care of you. But don’t worry about that right now. Is there a lot of pressure on you? I bet so, but ignore all that. Ignore your duties and everything you have to do. You’re sixteen you only have one job.” He playfully pushed his fist against my chin and said, “That’s to have fun. Let everyone else worry about the other stuff. It’s what you have a manager for. Trust me; we’d all be crazy if we worried about all that business stuff.”

But maybe you should! I wanted to say but I kept quiet. I mean, even if the Backstreet Boys were having money issues with Pearlman that didn’t mean they were too, did it? And I didn’t want them to start worrying over nothing and ruin their relationship with him over that. They liked him enough and I couldn’t be responsible for taking away their happiness. I just couldn’t…

“Your routines and stuff are dope,” he continued. “Really, they look good.”

“You have a biased opinion,” I pointed out.

He grinned and grasped my hands; they were comically small in his. “Yeah, but even so, you got talent. And everyone who comes to see you today will walk away knowing that for sure. I mean, you’re no Mariah Carey but who is? She’s Mariah Carey for a reason. Just like you’re Mackenzie Desrosiers for a reason.” If possible, his grin got wider as he wiggled his eyebrows and he added, “By the way, can you teach me some things in French that could help me get some girls?”

I threw myself forward, wrapped my arms around his neck, and squeezed him tight. Leave it to Joe to remind me of the most important part of all this. Okay, so maybe I worried a bit and I was a bit of a perfectionist when it came to all this stuff (nowhere near as bad as Justin and JC, let’s be honest here) but he was right. Of course he was right, it’s Joey. The King of Parties and Goodtimes. He knew what he was talking about.

“I know I don’t say it a lot but I appreciate you so much,” I commented and kissed his cheek. “All you guys. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

“Technically I think your parents had a hand in that,” he joked.

At the mention of my parents I wilted. I couldn’t help it. I’m going to play a big festival in front of who knows how many people in Canada of all places and they couldn’t even be here. Yeah, Mémé and Pépé and Aunt Abbey and my cousins were all going to come but it wasn’t the same. Not that I don’t want my family her at all, it’s just that…I wish Mom and Dad and Mike could come see me too.

Oh well. If I can’t have my blood family at least I have my second family with the boys here. That’s better than nothing.

“Also, if it helps, you’re rushing a little bit,” he commented. I stared at him blankly. “With the new steps? You’re rushing a little, that’s what’s messing everything up. I mean, I don’t have your eye for mistakes like that and everything but that’s what it seems like to me.”

“No, Joey, don’t downplay your suggestion,” I admonished, shaking my head. “I know a lot but I’m by no means an expert. You have a valid thought. I’m not going to bite your head off.” I stuck out my tongue and added, “May nibble your ear a bite.”

He laughed aloud and slapped my knee. “Atta girl! Looks to me like Liam’s a bit busy, how about we go and see what you want to wear for your big show tonight and then you can come back and try again? Bring your ladies too.” He winked over at Lyric and Codie who turned to each other and laughed.

“Hey! No inter-band relationships!” I warned, wagging my finger in his face. “I need their focus.”

“That’s rich coming from you,” he commented and it was so offhand that for a moment I didn’t know what he was talking about and then it hit me. Hmm. I have to do a better job at hiding this crush thing.

“Oh dear God, do you all know? Did Lance tell you?” I asked.

“’Course not. We figured it out ourselves. ‘Cept Justin and JC, they’re a bit oblivious to it but you can’t fault ‘em for that. It’s them,” Joey replied.

“Yeah, well, you have nothing to worry about,” I reported. “I’m going away soon anyway.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “And this is how you want to end things?”

“It’s not how I want it to end but it’s the way it has to be, I guess.” I placed my hands on my knees and stood. “Come on, you said you’d help me with my clothes.”

“Yes, because darling, you look a mess,” he joked, bringing his voice up a few notches and adding in a few tongue smacks. I rolled my eyes and smacked his arm before taking his outstretched one and allowed him to lead me off stage and to this tent area that was supposed to act as my changing room and quiet room, though I knew I wasn’t going to get any sort of quiet there.

It wasn’t long until the others joined us in the tent, loitering more than anything as I picked random things off the hangers and held it up to myself for approval. Not that they really had any say over the decision, I was gonna wear what I wanted but I didn’t want to go on stage wearing something ridiculous. But I didn’t want to wear something that wasn’t me either.

“Okay, what about this?” I ask as I pull a hooded t-shirt off the rack. It was a plain black shirt with the numbers 08 written on it in white so it resembled a jersey. I then grabbed a pair of shorts off the rack and held it up to myself as well. “With some boots maybe? Or is it too casual?”

“That’s actually…really cute.”

If the hanger were plastic instead of metal I swear my grip would have broken it in reaction to Bobbie’s comment. Damn. And I had done so well avoiding her all day. Forcing a pleasant smile on my face I turned only to jump back when I noticed how close she was, taking a look at the rack I had been standing in front of.

“These are all nice but…well, they’re not you,” she continued, making a face at some mesh top…thingie. Really, it was just a stretch of fabric with a bunch of holes in it that totally wouldn’t fly with Liam. (It was a bit of a pain having to go to my manager for semi-final decisions on what I was going to wear at any given moment.) “This, however, is good. It’s sporty but with a little bit of body jewels or maybe even some body glitter it could work. Maybe with some stockings or fishnets though, ‘cause it’s getting a bit chilly.”

Okay, two things: 1) I know the area; I know what kind of clothes I need to wear for the unpredictable temperatures I could deal with and 2) What. The. Hell? Did she know who she was talking to? Did I suddenly contract some disease that was killing me that I didn’t know about yet? There was no logical reason for her to actually be nice to me; especially after the last time I tried to be nice to her she poured water over my head. Why would she all of a sudden—

Oh. Oh.

“Well, thank you…for your advice,” I said slowly, waiting for some sort of snide comment that didn’t come. Huh. This was weird. Did I flash over into the land of OZ? Oz Oz, not Australia Oz but I would love to go there one day.

She shrugged and said with a simple smile, “It’s my job. Speaking of which, d’you mind if I take some notes down? For an article? On you. JC said you wouldn’t mind.”

Yeah, well, JC says a lot of things. But instead of speaking my thoughts aloud I merely gave a little smile and replied, “No, s’fine. Gotta do your job, don’t you?” But as soon as she turned around my smile fell and I stared suspiciously at her back and then down at the clothes in my hand. What if they were actually not a good choice and she was just trying to sabotage me? Okay…I know it sounds a bit extreme but still! She did a 180 faster than Tony Hawk! And that’s saying something! Giving my head a shake I turned to my panel of judges. “Thoughts?” I asked, waving the clothes around.

“I like it,” Lance commented. “I give it a ten.” He raised an imaginary sign and I chuckled. “Chris?”

“Hmm, yes,” he hummed, running his hand across his short beard. “It’s sporty, casual, modest. It’ll make your legs look good. I give it a ten.” He too held up an imaginary sign. “Justin?”

“What he said,” Justin replied pointing at Chris, probably to keep from saying something else I didn’t need to hear right now. He’s such a smart boy. “Ten. Joey?”

“I’ll take Chris’s legs comment and raise you that it’ll make your ass look good so, ten!” Joey said.

“Joey!” I admonished, feeling a blush creep up onto my face. “Are you sure the shorts aren’t too short? I mean, I want people to be able to see my leg work without too much fabric in the way but—”

“Its fine,” he interrupted. “Hey, C! Tell her that she looks fine!” he called out, earning JC’s attention away from Bobbie.

I shot Joey a withering look but he didn’t catch it since he was staring so intently at JC. So I quickly counted to three and turned to look at him. My breath caught in my throat when his eyes flicked from my face to the clothes in my hand and back up. He then shrugged and said, “You look fine. As long as you’re happy with it.”

What a very JC thing to say. I nodded and set it aside. Well, that was it then. At least I got that decision out of the way. Now I needed to finalize the set-list with my band. But I was stuck, there was one big gaping hole where a song needed to go but I couldn’t figure out which one I wanted it to be. The order had been changed from my normal set, which wasn’t a big deal since we’d have it taped to the stage to help me remember.

Oh well, maybe it’d come to me while I did a meet and greet with some fans. I loved that part too, meeting my fans. It was still a bit weird, though. People knowing my name and recognizing my face and wanting me to write my name on their stuff. I mean, I was the same age as a good chunk of them but they acted as if I was some superstar or something. But, I mean, I’m not, I watch all the same shows and movies they do (which was a good topic of conversation, they could catch me up on things I have to miss). Not that I don’t like the little ones, I love the little ones. They’re so sweet and cute and so huggable! And, okay, not gonna lie, I love when they bring presents.

They make cards and signs and bring me candy and snacks and it’s awesome! I have a massive candy stash on my bus from them alone; of course this is the candy I can keep. Todd and Eric swoop in and take the food to check to make sure there isn’t poison in it or something, which is ridiculous! It’s candy! How can someone poison that? And I’ve talked to them about it but they only told me I shouldn’t be so naïve and need to be more careful. Yeah, okay, ‘cause I’m sure someone’s gonna take the time to open up every single Oreo and slip some poison in (the common treats I get are Oreos, Skittles, and Jolly Ranchers. I got muffins one time but that went straight to the trash once I was out of their sight, which bummed me out. It was double chocolate!) I get snow globes sometimes too. You mention that you’ve started collecting one thing in an interview offhand and the next thing I know I have more than I can carry. And I get a lot of stuffed animals, which I love but really have nothing to do with most of the time so after I swap out sleeping with them I set them aside and let Todd or Erica take them to a Goodwill or I give them to some of my younger fans at another stop. Their eyes always get so big and it’s a great sight to see, especially when they gush to their parents about it.

…Damn I wish my dad was here.

“Chris, are you sure you know what you’re doing?” I asked nervously as I eyed the eyeliner pencil in his hand. Somehow, in my haze of nerves, I let Chris talk me into him doing my makeup. I’ve seen some of the shit he wears on his face, I think it’s safe to say I’ve lost my mind at this point. But if I did it’s only because everyone else’s nerves were starting to stir up mine.

Every few minutes or so Lyric or Gabe would report back with how many people were waiting over the sound of the other sets of the festival pouring into the tent. Liam’s usually gelled hair had lost its hold hours ago due to him pulling on it in his nerves, although he’d smile at me and tell me that everything was fine. He was making me jittery. Had I been doing my own makeup I would’ve stabbed myself in the eye about a billion times by now.

“Relax. I have a bunch of sisters. I know my way around this stuff,” he replied while picking up an eyelash curler. He opened and closed the blades a few times and then looked down at my nails. “Are you growing tree climbers?”

“That’s for your eye,” I replied, staring at him warily. “Not your nails.”

“Oh, thank god. Was gonna say whoever you went to bed with I’d feel bad for them in the morning.” I swatted at him as best as I could from my chair but he dodged out of the way. “Okay we need some eye shadow and some eyeliner…and what the hell is this? Oh well. Lipstick? No, gloss. Hey, how long are your nose hairs?”

“There shouldn’t be anything over there that needs…” I started but then my words trailed off when I noticed the smile on his face. “You’re an ass,” I muttered although in the midst of laughing. “I don’t need that much stuff really. Just some mascara and other eye stuff.”

“You’ll look washed out under all the lights,” Chris replied, dabbing something on his wrist. Man, he really did know what he was doing. “I’m not going to cake it on or anything but you don’t want to end up looking like you’re dead, even if you feel it.” He approached me and asked me to close my eyes. Letting out a sigh, I did as I was told and did my best to relax.

I breathed slowly and deeply to keep the tightness from returning and to try and keep myself calm enough so my hands wouldn’t start shaking again. Honestly, at this point I didn’t know what was making me more nervous: performing in front of so many people or having Chris so close to my face. My finger tapped against the armrest as I waited, feeling the familiar drag of the makeup across my face. The swell of crowd cheering reached our ears every now and then and jump started my energy. It was almost like the energy from the crowds embedded itself in the cool air and wafted around the entire festival, amping everything up. By the time Chris got to putting gloss onto my mouth I was now fidgeting due to having too much energy and wanting to release it somehow.

“Are you done yet?” I finally asked after it felt as if my butt was falling asleep.

“Almost,” he replied, brushing his thumb against the side of my mouth. “I just need to do one more thing.” I listened as the makeup clattered on a nearby table and heard him rustling and running about. After a few moments of silence that followed he said, his voice far off ahead of me, “Okay, I’m done. You can open your eyes now.”

I did as I was told and felt gob smacked. I was frozen in my chair as I blinked stupidly at the guest by the entrance of the small tent.

“Well aren’t you going to say ‘hi’ to your own mother?” Momma asked with a grin. She barely finished her sentence before I had launched myself out of my chair and collided with her in a hug. I buried my face into her stomach and squeezed her extra tight just to make sure she was still standing there. “I missed you too,” she teased while hugging me back.

“When did you get here? How did you get here? Is Mike here too?” I asked all in one breath, standing back to take a good look at her. Over her shoulder I could see Chris grinning before he slipped out of the tent. She looked exactly the same save for the tired bags beneath her eyes. But she was here! My momma was here!

“Liam had us flown in, we arrived an hour ago,” she replied, retting my hair. “He’s here too. He wanted to take a look around the grounds; he didn’t want to make you nervous.”

“He wouldn’t have,” I replied, carefully wiping at my misty eyes. “Is dad here too?”

Momma cooed and rubbed her thumb against my cheek. “Sorry, Sweetie, he couldn’t make it. He isn’t feeling well enough.” I nodded and licked my lip. “You know he’d be here if he could.”

“Yeah, I know. He’s resting at least so…so that’s good.” I smiled up at her and hugged her again. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad to be here, baby,” she replied, tapping my nose with her thumb. “Would you like me to help you stretch? Massage your feet like old times?”

I clapped my hands together and bounced on my toes. “Yes, please!”

Back when I was little and I went away to competitions every weekend my mom would sit with me before and after my routines to massage my feet and calves. I hadn’t even noticed how much I missed it until now. I sat down on the ground and lay back, resting my legs on hers as she knelt in from of me. I placed my hands on my stomach and focused on my breathing while looking up at the tent ceiling, feeling her fingers digging into my calf muscles.

“How’ve you been?” Momma asked. “Busy?”

“Super busy,” I replied. “It’s like I hit the ground running as soon as I wake up and even when I go to bed I don’t stop running ‘cause I need to worry about the next thing.” I clicked my tongue. “I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.”

Momma hummed. “Are you happy?” she asked.

I shrugged. “I’ve been better,” I admitted. “It’s hard, like I said, but there are good days and good moments. Like, I should be super excited about playing soon but…I dunno, there’s too many things in the way.”

“Are you fighting with the boys?”

“Kinda. It’s not a big deal, Momma, really. It’s…it’s fine.” I propped myself up on my knees and gazed at her. “But are you okay?” I lifted an eyebrow as she tucked her hair behind her ear and twisted her mouth to the side. “Momma, I’m sorry about what happened. Losing the baby and all.” I reached forward and rubbed her arm. “You still have Mike though. And me. We’re here to listen if you ever want to talk about it. I know I’ve asked before, with my little brother, and I didn’t quite get it but I think I can now.”

She smiled and then shook her head. “No. Thank you but...it’s not something you should worry about,” she replied.

“But Momma…you’re my mom, of course I’m going to worry.”

“I’m supposed to worry about you. Your dad’s supposed to worry about you. You’re not supposed to worry about us.”

I sat up all the way and regarded her. “Funny, I thought families were supposed to worry about each other.” I pulled my legs from her lap and sat cross-legged in front of her. “Are you happy?”

Her shoulders slumped with the weight of her sigh. I grabbed her hands and gave them a squeeze. “I feel…like a failure of a mother,” she finally replied. My heart broke just hearing her utter those words. “I can’t carry children. I almost lost you. My marriage fell apart. You’re not happy. I couldn’t keep my family together…” Her voice trailed off and she shook her head.

“And yet, after all of that, you’re getting remarried, you’re on good terms with your ex-husband, you’re helping take care of your ex-husband, you went back to school, and guess what?” I smiled and squeezed her hands. “You have a daughter who’s super proud of you and would love to turn out to be even half the woman you are.” I shrugged and added, “You may have not been the most hands on mom but you’ve taught me to be independent and figure things out myself. Our relationship may not be perfect but we’re working on it. You had to give up your life for me. I’m not mad about you taking it back anymore.”

“Ah, there are my two favorite girls,” Mike said with a warm smile as he slipped into the tent, a bouquet of white roses in his hands. He stopped short when he saw us wipe away at our eyes and, rightfully so, appeared frightened. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s perfect,” Momma replied.

“Good, well, you may want to dry your eyes. I think I heard Liam say you’re on in twenty.”

“What!?” I cried out. “I haven’t even fixed my hair yet! I didn’t get into my zone! I haven’t even talked to the band yet! It can’t be twenty minutes already!”

“Relax.” Gee, that seemed to be everyone’s favorite word around me. Mike crossed the room, gave me the flowers, dropped a kiss on top of my head and said, “The hair we can fix now.” He waved to the tent and Aunt Abbey slipped in carrying a flat iron and a hair curler looking as if she were ready to go into battle. “Everything else we can squeeze in after. You’ll be fine.”

If I hadn’t said it before I’m’ saying it now: I have the best family in the world.

Getting ready for the show was like a whirlwind: people running in and out of the tent, yelling at people, people tugging me left and right to get me into my stage clothes (which was about eight more people than I really needed undressing me), a man shoving a mic pack into my back pocket and my in ears in…well, you know, and someone gluing fake gems around my belly button, and my band running around shaking each other’s shoulders to loosen them up, and Liam feeding me more Coke to the point I had to yell at him to stop or else I’d piss on the stage, and the flurry of my family hugging me and giving me kisses and wishing me luck before I was pulled into a prayer circle lead by Justin who kept squeezing my hand like I didn’t need to use it within five minutes and phew! I hadn’t even hit the stage and I was already tired.

I kept a tight grip on Justin’s hand as he and the rest of the boys walked with me and Liam to the side of the stage. It was a good thing I had my in-ear monitors in, the sound coming at me was crazy!  As the announcer took his time, well, announcing me I fidgeted with the tube sock-turned-gloves that Aunt Abbey cut up for me to wear to try and stay warm. Justin’s arm stayed wrapped around my waist and every now and then he’d give me a squeeze as if saying can’ you believe this? Short answer: no. No I can’t. This was the biggest show of my life so far, one mess up and I’m toast.

“It’s show time!” Lyric cheered, walking past me as she kept a tight grip on the neck of her bass guitar. She held out her fist and bumped it against mine which made the rest of my band follow suit. The swell of cheers got louder as did the announcer’s voice.

“Okay! Get out there and do your thang!” Justin had to yell into my ear to block out the noise that surrounded us. He removed the hat he had been wearing and placed it backwards on my head before giving me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Make us proud!”

I nodded and went around to the other guys, accepting their hugs and kisses and words of encouragement as well. Then my whole body started to buzz with adrenaline that only built up with my band playing their opening segment to hype up the crowd. Liam shoved my microphone in my hands; I smiled down at the little wire butterfly that had been glued to the bottom and waited for my cue. Once it hit I saluted the guys, ran up the small flight of stairs, and bounded onto the stage. Show time!

The set started off like we had been shot out of a canon with the fast paced For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic, which was just what we needed to get the crowd going right off the bat. Afterwards we slid right into I’d Do Anything, another high energy song that I loved and the crowd seemed to enjoy.

From there we went to Pressure, segued into Emergency (which is my next US/Canadian single), over to a rock cover of the Spice Girls’ Wannabe (which was a lot of fun and no one expected it but it was received well) and then brought things back down with Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody).

When the song ended, I stepped away from the microphone and then took a sip of water from the bottle I left on the stage. I then walked over to the stagehand that held out my guitar and took it with a smile. While walking back to the microphone I ducked my head to adjust the strap and make sure it was on right. The glittered-covered body sparkled beneath the stage lights and all the flashing lights from the cameras in the audience.

“Thank you,” I said, taking a moment to take a breath. I brushed the sweat on my forehead off with the back of my arm and gripped the neck of my guitar with my free hand. “You know, I didn’t know what I wanted my set-list to be until two hours ago. This spot was open with the opportunity to put any song in that I wanted. I knew it had to be a slower song though ‘cause I’m a bit pooped right now.” I grinned when I heard a few people laugh at my joke. “Anyway…I don’t talk about this a lot ‘cause it’s kinda hard. But right now, my daddy’s battling cancer…” I paused to swallow the lump in my throat amidst the crowd’s noises of sympathy and kept going, “so he couldn’t be here today, though I’m sure he would’ve loved to come back home. He’s just too sick right now. It’s…it’s really hard trying to be strong for him so I wrote this song one day to help. I hope you all like it, it’s called Save You and I’d like to dedicate it to my daddy.”

Starting the song wasn’t hard; I just couldn’t look at my mom. I knew she was in tears already and I didn’t want to start choking up just yet. Gabe played the intro line on the guitar and I sang overtop of it, closing my eyes to try and get lost in the song. Just thinking ahead to the chorus got me emotional and I really wished dad were here to hear me play it live for the first time. No one else save for my band had heard the song until this point but playing it in Canada, in his hometown felt right. It felt as if he were right there with me.

I took a swig of water that Liam handed out to me and really wished I had eaten more than a handful of popcorn and a corndog as I grabbed onto his shoulder to keep myself steady. I held my hand out to my mom to keep her from rushing to my side when she noticed my swaying and gave my head a shake to stop her. I handed the water bottle back, waited for my cue, and seamlessly matched my dance moves with theirs until the end of the dance intro and then began the intro to Naturally.

It was an easy song to get through, I hardly had to think about the moves anymore I’ve performed it so often. All the little flips and tricks were second nature to me and were executed flawlessly. The song ended and we went straight into Liberty Walk. From there, which was a spontaneous decision on my end, we started to cover I Want You Back by the guys and of course they had to come out and perform it with me. We tried to do the choreography, emphasis on tried, but with eight people it fell apart fast so we ended up running and jumping around on the stage instead. It was so much fun sharing a stage with the guys and singing their song for once.

Once they cleared the stage I prepared myself to sing a newer song which, again, was about JC but I was more concerned about the changed dance steps than I was about him hearing the song. My Dilemma was less dance heavy compared to the other songs; I spent the verses waking up and down the stage while trying my best to catch my breath only to put my all into the choreography of the chorus and the newly added on bridge.

We finished out the set with a cover of Don’t Stop Believing, which I mainly used the audience to help me finish the song ‘cause I was tired and out of breath by that point. Good thing it’s a crowd pleaser, I hardly had to direct them to help me sing along. And hearing all those voices sing such a great song back to me was amazing. I couldn’t think of a better way to end the set.

Okay, rushing off stage straight into my mom’s arms and seeing that big smile on her face beat it hands down.

“It’s real nice of Liam to take us all out to dinner,” Joey commented as he admired a statue that was erected in the foyer. “I don’t think we’ve ever been here before. Do they have snails on the menu?” At his question he shifted an evil smile over to Chris who visibly recoiled at the thought. We all laughed at his reaction. When we were in Europe last year we managed to convince him to try snails. It barely touched his tongue before he spat it out and claimed that we had tried to poison him. But it doesn’t taste bad, really! There’s a lot of butter and garlic on it anyway, you don’t actually taste the snail.

“I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop,” I said amidst my yawn which was then followed up by my grumbling stomach. It was horrible feeling tired and hungry at the same time. I didn’t know if I wanted to sleep or eat. Not to mention my ears were still ringing a bit from the show.

After it ended we all went back to my grandparents’ house to change and put on nicer clothes since Liam had announced he was taking us to this fancy restaurant in town. I’m talking live music, statues in the lobby, vines hanging from the ceiling, low light, coat-check sort of fancy. And he managed to book space for all of us: me, the guys, my band, my mom, my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my cousins, Mike, himself, Bobbie, and two extra people who were supposed to join us. Johnny and Donna, I guess.

“What makes you say that?” Lance asked, his hands shoved into the pockets of his suit. He looked so dashing, they all did.

“Because it’s Liam,” I replied, crossing my arms. “He doesn’t exactly do stuff without there being a hidden agenda behind it. Case in point, my ‘break’.” I made finger quotes around the word. “This dinner must be important for him somehow. Maybe to score a business deal or something, but then who’d he invite that we have two extra people coming?”

“Maybe you’re just being a bit too suspicious,” Justin suggested.

“It tends to keep me alert,” I replied dryly.

Speaking of which, I was highly aware of his hand resting on my lower back and his thumb idly stroking my spine so to say I was suspicious was an understatement. First Bobbie’s actually nice to me (she helped me pick out my dress, people!) and now this stuff starting up again? There had to be something in the water I’m immune to that’s making everyone crazy. ‘Cept Chris, you can’t make a crazy person crazier.

“Well, how about you give your alertness a little rest and come dance with me?” Justin asked, nodding his head in the direction of the live band that was playing some slowed down jazz tune. A few other couples swayed on the spot by the band. I shrugged and he removed his hand from my back to take mine and lead me onto the floor. Once on the floor he spun me around and then rested his free hand on my back. I cupped his shoulder and gripped onto his other hand, taking the time to look around the restaurant from my new vantage point but JC's stare caught my attention.

My eyebrows furrowed and I pressed my lips together. The way JC was looking at me halted my breath and made my heart lurch. I searched his face, trying to find some answer as to why he was being so…un-JC like but he turned away. Fine.

“You were amazing tonight,” Justin commented, immediately grabbing my attention.

I scoffed. “I would have been if I hadn’t messed up those new steps.”

“It wasn’t that big of a mess up, I hardly noticed it.”

“Hardly noticed. I didn’t want anyone to notice at all. I wanted it all to be done right. But no, no, I flubbed! And in front of my mom too!”

“That’s not going to stop her from being proud of you,” he pointed out. I hummed. Maybe he had a point. “I like when we get along,."

“You make it seem like I liked being annoyed with you,” I replied, “I don’t, for the record. I know it seems like I do but that’s on you, buddy. If you don’t annoy me I’ll be a sweet little angel.” I batted my eyelashes for effect and he laughed.

“The day you become a ‘sweet little angel’ is the day I’ll be worried,” he teased.

“So you must be worried all the time.”

“Well I am, just not about that.” I blinked up at him, my head tilting to the side. He pulled his lower lip into his mouth and then sighed. “I just don’t want us to end up like you and JC.” I twisted my mouth to the side. “I know that’s different,” he rushed on, “but you’re my best friend, I don’t want that to happen to us too.”

“It won’t,” I stressed. “We can get through anything together. We’ve made it this far, haven’t we? Even with you being annoyingly fickle the past couple of days—”

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” he commented. I lifted my eyebrows. He twisted his mouth to the side and let out a quiet sigh. “I know…I said one thing and then the other and…I was thinking maybe I made a mistake. I was just worried if something had gone wrong we’d stop being friends. That everything would be messed up. What we had before was easy but maybe that’s good? With everything going on, easy is what I need right now. No commitments or anything and—“

“Wait.” I removed my hand from his and held it up in his face to keep him from talking, halting our dance. “Is this why you’ve been weirdly touchy-feely all day?” Not that it was too different form the norm, I mean we’ve always been affectionate with one another but this was odd.

“Kinda,” he said slowly, as if gauging my reaction. “I had been thinking about what you said and you’re right, I haven’t been treating you the way you deserve. I was just…I don’t know, confused. And I know that’s not an excuse.”

Before I could stop myself I asked, “Does this have anything to do with JC and I not talking?” His mouth opened and closed a couple of times but no sound came out as the band played their last few notes of the song. I let go of his shoulder and joined in on the applause that spread throughout the restaurant as the musicians bowed and waved their thanks. I turned away from the stage and felt my heart leap with joy when I laid eyes on one of our guests.

“Daddy!” I exclaimed, bouncing on my toes wand waving.

There he was, standing next to my mom. My dad! He’s here! He’s actually here! But as soon as the smile came to my face it fell apart when I saw that Lou Pearlman was standing next to him.