April 18th 1998
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

I wish people would stop trying to talk to me. I said all I wanted to say last night but no, it’s not enough for them. Well too damn bad for them because it’s enough for me! I just want to get through with this break—if I can even call it that with Liam setting things up for me—and get home so I can see Dad again. I want to talk to him so bad, to just hug him and sit with him and let him swoop in and fix everything. But I know, deep down, there’s no way he can fix my shit if he can’t even be fixed.

I don’t know if the chemo or whatever routine he’s going through is working. I don’t know a lot about what’s going on with my dad because I’m not there. And whenever I call he doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t like to talk about it. Not that I blame him. I mean, if I were sick I wouldn’t want people constantly talking to me about my illness. I would rather they not talk to me about the weather either but I would like to be treated normally.

Not like I am now. Not that I can compare my situation with my dad’s but still. It’s hard not to notice that we’re off. Lance, Joey, and Chris I’m fine with. But even a blind person could tell that there was an elephant stuck in between JC and Justin and me. That was only when I was in the same room as them, anyway. I did my best to put space between us all but it was kinda hard to avoid them when I was stuck on a bus with them on our way to Toronto. They had a show and I did as well but this morning we were on our way to a radio station so I could do an interview with them. It was the first morning break they had in a while, apparently. It was a break I needed away from them.

Another yawn grabbed my body and gave it a good shake as I pushed it out. I rubbed at my tired, burning eyes and tried to focus on what Liam was saying but everything sounded as my head was submerged in water. I guess anger can do that to people. Mute everything else except for the roaring rage inside you.

“Hey Rockstar, did you hear me?”

I blinked and Liam’s face smoothed out from my previous hazy vision. His eyebrows furrowed to the point it looked as if he had a unibrow. It would have been funny if I were in the mood to laugh. “Sorry, no,” I replied, shaking my head. “I heard this really loud humming noise. What were you saying?”

“I was talking about what song you were going to perform on air,” he replied.

“I thought I was going to do Pressure.”

“You are. But there may be time to squeeze in another one so you have to think about that.” He rubbed his chin. “Perhaps a more upbeat song?”

I cocked my head to the side. Liam was more see-through than a window. “You mean a love song?” I supplied. “Yeah, I’m not exactly in the mood to sing about love and relationships and all that crap. Sorry.” I shrugged and turned back to the microphone I had been adjusting. During the radio show I was going to perform a song live with Gabe and Lyric flanking me on acoustic guitars. I wanted to make sure that the microphones would pick everything up right instead of sitting around the green room with the others.

“Maybe singing it will put you in a good mood,” he offered. “You know, ‘fake it ‘til you make it’?”

Uh oh, my bullshit meter was going off. Blowing out a breath, I crossed my arms and turned to face him. Liam wasn’t that much older than me, in his late twenties I think. But standing in front of him like this, he appeared much older than he had before. I could almost see the little lines stretching their way around his eyes. “Did any of the guys talk to you?”

“They may have expressed some concerns, yes,” Liam replied. My body shook with how hard I huffed and if they weren’t attached to my retinas, my eyes probably would have rolled right out of my head. “Anyone could notice your bad mood, Rockstar. It’s just…you have to keep your image up. You don’t want to give off the wrong impression on air.”

“Noted,” I said while lifting my finger. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be the perfect little puppet once that sign goes on.” I pointed over to the ON AIR light that was currently turned off. “I know how to play the part.”

He clapped me on the shoulder and shook his head, as if he were wondering what was wrong with kids these days. “It’s a radio show. Have fun with it. Whatever issues you have with them, they’ll find a way to be worked out. They always do.” I blew a breath out of my mouth, wishing I could believe him but this time it wasn’t going to be that easy. They’d have to do a bit of groveling at my feet for all of this to be worked out.

Excusing myself to get a drink of water, I left the small room and did my best to navigate down the halls to the water fountain that we had passed on our way in but it was hard. It’s a radio station, it’s one room in a building! And yet it seemed to be placed in the middle of a maze. How can it be so hard to find water? I’d ask some of the workers but they all seemed super busy and I didn’t want to bother them with something so inconvenient.

Which only meant…

Ugh.

My eyes rolled in my head as my eyelashes fluttered in my distaste but I headed to the green room anyway. At least I knew where that was. I pushed open the door and all activity inside stopped as fire pairs of eyes swung over to look at me. It’d be a good scene in a horror movie if Joey hadn’t frozen with his finger up his nose and Chris looking as if he were about to stick his hand down his pants.

“…Do I want to know?” I asked.

“That depends,” Chris replied, “how long are you willing to wait for me to come up with an explanation? Because, let’s be honest, there’s no normal one for this.”

“That’s the story of your life, aint it?” I commented. He stuck his tongue out at me and backed away from Joey, keeping his hands up in plain sight. I made a face back at him and felt my lips pulling back in a smile but it fell as soon as chanced a look in JC’s and Justin’s direction. Turning away I muttered, “Do any of you know where the water  fountain is?”

“I’ll show you,” Lance offered, successfully stopping Justin who had just jumped to his feet. He closed the door behind him and I looped my arm with his. “It’s not that far. You didn’t ask anyone where it was?”

“They all looked busy. I didn’t want to bother them,” I replied.

“I see,” he said with a slow nod. My eyebrows furrowed and I stared at the side of his head. I didn’t like the way he said that. He made the two simple words sound like a novel.

“Lance,” I said, stretching the one syllable word as much as I could. “I know you want to say something, so whatever it is you can say it.” May as well get it over with.

“You know we care about you,” he stated. “You’re like our little sister. We don’t want anything to happen to you.” He patted my hand which held onto his arm and offered up a smile. “And like he said, we don’t want you rushing into anything you’re not ready for, that’s all. We’re not trying to be a drag. And we’ve noticed that you and Justin are closer than usual so—”

“So you automatically assume I’m sleeping with him,” I finished for him, nodding. I mean, it was understandable. Considering I did just ask Justin to sleep with me last night. Not that they have to worry or know about that.

“Right,” he said with a nod. “Doesn’t help that JC found condoms on you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Like I said before, he needs to keep his nose out of my business. I mean, really? How’s he acting like the victim here? He’s the one who sent that fake email to try and get Justin and I apart. He’s the one who’s treating me like a little kid. He’s the one who called me stupid. He’s the one who said I’m self-centered. He’s—”

“The one who was hurt by what you said,” Lance interrupted me. He stopped walking, forcing me to stop as well and I gazed up at him. “Mack, you were out of line last night. I understand you were mad and probably embarrassed but what you said to him wasn’t right.

What the hell!? When’d this turn around on me? I didn’t do anything wrong! I just…talked. And so maybe I was a teeny tiny bit harsh, so what? They know I can get like that sometimes. Especially with Know-It-All Chasez. If he didn’t push my buttons so much, I wouldn’t be like this around him. “Lance—”

“And I think I know why you said it,” he continued, stopping me from being able to finish my sentence. I lifted my eyebrows, waiting for him to come up with some sort of wrong assump—“Because you like him.”

…Shit.

“Wha-what makes you think—?” I tried to ask but the rest of my sentence faded into nothing. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure no one was listening to us. Not that there was anything to listen in on.

“Mack, I’ve known you liked him since the very first day I met you,” he stated. “You didn’t say anything in particular that tipped me off and you didn’t act a certain way that did it either, if that helps. I could tell by the way you looked at him.” I gulped. “It’s like…you’re looking at the best thing in the world. Your world. You look to see if he laughs at one of your jokes, if he’s watching you dance, if he noticed you changed your hair or your clothes, if he agrees with one of your opinions, if he’s looking at you…” He smiled a little but I couldn’t make any sort of effort to smile back. Not with my stomach twisting like this. “It’s not bad that you like him. JC’s a great guy. I just think…maybe you shouldn’t aim your heights so high right now. He’s with someone else and he’s not the only guy in the world. I’m not saying give up on him, maybe work your way there. Meet new people. Date some other guys, if you’re so inclined. Just…relax and let him see the real you. The you that doesn’t feel pressure to live up to his ideals. The you that he’d like for being you.”

I didn’t know what to do. Nod, agree; any idea shriveled up in my brain and died beneath the crushing weight of his words. The only thing that finally came out of my mouth was, “…The water’s not down this way is it?”

He shook his head. “Nope,” he replied. “It’s over that way. But while we’re on the topic, I think you need to apologize to JC. And I think you know you need to, too.”

I whined and stomped my foot. “I don’t wanna,” I pouted.

“You’re only here with us for a few more days before you lose you to…them,” he said, making a face. I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. He was one of the few that didn’t have beef with the Backstreet Boys. Joey was the other; he liked them enough, especially AJ and JC didn’t really pay attention to them. It was Chris and Justin that had a problem. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my time with you and the others fighting. Okay?”

Dammit, he had to have a point. “Fine,” I grunted, crossing my arms. “Tell JC to meet me at my hotel room later.” I grabbed his arm again. “Water’s this way you say?” He nodded and swiveled us around to walk in the right direction. “Lance? Can you please not tell JC?” I asked, my voice much quieter than I wanted it to be as I looked down at my feet. “I know he’s with someone but I also know, even if he weren’t, he’d reject me and I can’t…”

He patted my hand. “I won’t tell, don’t worry. And for the record, it’d be his loss if he rejected you.”

Nope. We have traveled into unsafe territory. My chest hurt just from thinking about talking to him about it. Actually telling him. And seeing his face. And hearing him laugh about it... Gahhh! Who the hell thought it was a good idea to put feelings into a sixteen-year-old girl?

Some sort of weight was off my shoulders after talking to Lance, or having him to talk to me, rather, but it didn’t smooth out the chip in my shoulder. At least that’s what Johnny called it. Even he could tell that there was something wrong between all of us when he came to the station to show is support.

“Where’s that smile?” he asked, pushing his thumbs into my cheeks in an effort to lift my mouth.

“’M just a bit tired,” I replied, pushing his hands away. Which wasn’t a total lie. I’m still not a fan of having to get up early just to get to the next spot. “Couldn’t get any sleep last night.” Also not a lie. It was hard to get a good night’s sleep when Justin kept huffing and puffing next to my ear. Like he had a right to be angry! Sheesh!

“Get used to it, Munchkin,” Johnny said with a sympathetic smile. “Things are only going to get faster from now on. You’ll be lucky if you can get some sleep standing up.”

“Hmm. It’s all worth it though…right?” Maybe if he was convincing enough I’d actually believe it. Believe that all of this was worth it. The fighting, the sleepless nights, the routines, the distance, the stress, the separation… Were our dreams really worth all that?

“As long as you’re happy,” he finally replied.

And before I could reply that maybe I wasn’t actually happy, Liam swooped in out of nowhere and brought me into the room where the interview was going to take place. I plastered on a smile, greeted the DJs, put on some headphones, and acted the part like Liam wanted. And I have to say, I was super convincing.

I even believed my act.

***

I didn’t know how long I was out but, as soon as my head hit the pillow in my hotel room I fell into a deep sleep. Sleeping was the best thing in the world. Not only did I have to not talk to anyone but my dreamland allowed me an escape, even if I couldn’t physically leave. It was enough. When a series of knocks sounded on the door I was roused from my sleep and went to face my personal pain-in-the-ass head on, only to be surprised to see Justin standing there rather than JC.

“Yeah?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe. He winced at my curt tone but I wasn’t sorry about it.

“You’re still mad at me,” he noted, his shoulders dropping. “I have a good reason.”

“For rejecting me?” My eyebrow popped up as I said the words aloud. It hurt almost as much as last night did. “How could you do that? You’re my best friend, you’re supposed to have my back.”

“I do!”

“And so you couldn’t do this one favor for me?”

“That’s just it, you asking me to…you know…it wouldn’t be me doing you a favor. It’s bigger than that.”

My eyes rolled in my head and I turned back into my room, “Spare me,” I grumbled. I had expected the door to click shut behind me but it never did. Figures. Justin was always bad with boundaries. In fact he got his first official girlfriend by talking to the boyfriend she was dating at the time and told him that he wouldn’t give up on her. The boyfriend didn’t show up again.

“Listen,” he begged from behind me. “I’ve done it before—“

“I know,” I interrupted him, flopping down on my bed. “I caught you going at it like rabbits in the studio once. And back at the band house. And at your house. Really, you need to learn to lock a door.”

He cracked a smile. “Learn to knock,” he shot back. I wanted to laugh but my body didn’t work with me. It sounded more like a grunt. He got something; he should be happy about that. “I didn’t reject you.”

“Yeah? What do you call it when you ask someone to sleep with you and they say no?” I asked, shaking my head. My eyes darted from one clump to another on the popcorn ceiling. It was freakin’ ugly. I don’t know why hotels like it so much.

“I said no because I don’t want your first time to be forgettable,” Justin replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I didn’t reply. He reached out and placed his hand on my knee, giving it a squeeze. When he spoke again his voice was much quieter than before. Desperate, even. “I’ve been intimate before, but only when I felt it was right and with someone special. Someone that I loved very much.”

“Ah, so now I’m not special and you don’t love me. Got it.” I nodded and licked my lips. Jesus, what was it with guys and being such idiots?

“You know that’s not true,” he stressed. “You’re my best friend, you’re much more special than anyone in the world.”

“Besides your mom,” I pointed out.

He pulled a grotesque face. “I’m not gonna sleep with my momma! Don’t be gross!” He removed his hand from my knee and ran it though his hair. “What I mean is, I don’t want to sleep with you just for the sake of doing it. I want to do it because I want to share something special with you. You deserve that. You don’t deserve something rushed and in a plain ol’ hotel room of all places. And you sure as hell don’t deserve a loveless first time. I want you to be in love when you have your first time and I know you’re not in love with me.”

“I don’t even like you that much,” I managed to tease, my lips cracking into something that resembled a smile. He bought it anyway judging by the way he sighed. “I didn’t think us kissing would get this crazy.”

“Yeah.” He nodded and licked his lips. “Do you like me?” I watched as his eyebrows furrowed, as if asking the question itself made him confused.

“You’re my best friend,” I stated. It was a simple answer. One I gave as a filler to every question regarding him. Are you mad at him? He’s my best friend. Don’t you think he’s a bit annoying? He’s my best friend. How can you? Why do you? Are you? Simple. He’s my best friend. And I always said it with a smile, because I was super proud to be able to call Justin Timberlake my best friend. And…and maybe he had a point. But having a point didn’t help me.

“I know,” he replied. “And I like you, obviously. But I don’t know if it’s like that. I’m just really…”

“Lonely?” I filled in for him. I drummed my thumbs on my stomach and now my eyebrows furrowed at my question. That was it, wasn’t it? We were lonely. Loneliness made him look different to me. Like my eyes were replaced with glasses. Not rose tinted ones, though. Maybe lilac. Or baby blue for him.

It felt so good being back with him. Being able to laugh with him and play video games in our spare time and make fun of the other guys and just be together. Like before. Like always. Being able to hug him and talk about home and feel like we were back at our old stomping grounds…nothing could compare. It was like I had home with me. Like I was home.

…Huh. Maybe that’s it. That’s what this was all about. It’s not about seeing Justin differently—though I do have to admit his body’s impressive now—but it’s about being close to home and having that ache in my chest filled. I could smell it on him, hear it in his voice, and see it in his mannerisms. And maybe he saw the same thing in me. Because, deep down, he didn’t give me that gut twisting, free-falling feeling. Maybe one day, who knows? But not now. It wasn’t him I wanted, it was the security.

“It’s not that you’re not great,” he continued. “It’s just…I don’t know. Everyone else keeps saying how good we’d be together but I’m not there. I just wanted to see if anything felt different. By kissing you, I mean. But it doesn’t. It feels…”

“Safe?” I suggested. I sat up and stared at the side of his head. “Easy?”

He blew out a breath and nodded. “You get it,” he whispered, more to himself than to me. Then he turned sideways so he was sitting in front of me and took my hands. “Look, maybe we’re destined to be together, maybe we’re not. But I want to be with you because I want to be with you. Not because of what anyone else says. And even if we try and it doesn’t work out or if we try and it does, I don’t ever want you to not be my friend. And I think this whole thing is getting in the way.”

“Not to mention it’s making everyone crazy,” I agreed with a nod. “I think this would have worked out if no one else got involved or put pressure on it.”I made a noise when he popped one of my knuckles and he smiled an apology. “How about this? We make a pact. No matter what, we’re friends first. And, say we both end up as single thirty-year-olds, we can give us a shot.” Grinning I added, “You’re kinda cramping my style.”

He stuck out his tongue. “I’m going to ignore that because I missed this. Being able to talk to you, I mean. Really talk to you.” His fingers brushed over the light scars on my wrist and I bit my lip. I could forget about them most days but when he touched them they seemed to stare back at me. No new ones were added; I could tell he was checking by the way he dragged his fingers over them. “Have you…?”

“No.” I shook my head. “Some days are…hard. But I think about what you said, what you did. Back around Christmas. I don’t want to disappoint you. So I’m trying.”

“Good.” He gave my hands a squeeze. “You can call me and tell me. About anything that’s bothering you. I’ll understand.”

But would he understand about how his producer, someone he trusted so much it hurt, was harassing me? Making me scared to sleep at night? Making me afraid to be in the same room as him? Making me look over my shoulder for monsters that lived in the daytime and the night? I swallowed the painful lump that formed in my throat and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know,” I whispered. “And I will.”

Just…not that.

Justin pulled me into a hug and I swear I could feel his heart beating through his chest as he hugged me tight. I squeezed him with all the strength I had and I think I even heard his bones creak. But he didn’t complain, he only held me tighter and didn’t let go until a knock sounded on the door.

“Oh, that’s probably JC,” I muttered as we pulled away. “Lance wants me to apologize.”

“I think you should, too,” Justin commented. “You were a bit forceful, to put it nicely. I’m actually surprised he didn’t fight back right away. But that’s JC for ya.”

“Mhm,” I hummed and patted his leg. “Get going and send him in. We don’t have much time before soundcheck and I want to get this over with.”

“Okay. We’ll go on a food run. I’ll bring you back a burger.”

“Just fries, please. I’m not that hungry.”

He nodded and the next time the door closed he was replaced by JC who hesitated by the door way. I motioned for him to come in and he sat on the edge of the bed. For a while neither of us said anything, we just looked at one another and it wouldn’t be so unbearable if he didn’t look so adorable at the moment. My fingers twitched against my legs and finally the dam holding back my words broke. “Okay, you are driving me crazy,” I finally stated. In more ways than one but that’s beside the point. “You keep…going on and on about how you’re trying to look out for me and trying to protect me but that’s not what you’re…what’s that word for when you’re stopping me from doing something?”

His eyes squinted for a moment and I could almost see the little gears in his head turning as he thought of the word. “Impeding?” he suggested.

“That’s the one!” I exclaimed, snapping my fingers. “You’re impeding me.”

“I’m not stopping you from doing anything except making a mistake,” he replied, running a hand though his hair. “I know you. I can tell when you’re charging right for something that you can avoid.”

“But what gives you the right to decide which part of my life is a mistake or not?” I demanded. “Who crowned you king of MackLand and gave you free reign to make decisions for me?”

He rubbed his hand across his mouth and blew out a heavy breath. By the way his jaw was being set I could tell that he was getting annoyed because the conversation wasn’t going the way he planned. Well, good! I’m not just gonna let this go because he’s JC fucking Chasez. “I’m not trying to make a decision for you. I’m not trying to run your life—”

“Yeah, well, that’s what it feels like;” I interrupted him, “like you’re bulldozing your way into my area and making all the decisions. Do you want to be included in my work decisions too? How about choosing what breakfast cereals I eat or what time I go to sleep or what socks I wear?”

He shook his head. “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

“I am not! Face it, JC, you put me in this stupid box that I don’t want to be in and yet every time I try and stick my leg out of it you slam the lid in my face because I’m not being the Mackenzie that you want me to be. But I can’t! I can’t be that because that’s not me! I can’t live my life that way you want me to live it just because it makes you happy because I’m not! I’m not happy!”

“You seem to not be happy no matter what the hell I do,” he shot back, jumping to his feet. He paced for a few seconds and then crossed his arms. “You’ve had a rough past couple of months, I’m just trying to help.”

“More like trying to help yourself to keep me from getting annoyed with you,” I pointed out.

He shrugged. “If that’s the end result, it’s not too bad. I don’t like fighting with you.”

I threw my arms into the air. “And I don’t like fighting with you but here we are! You can’t stop me from making mistakes! I’m not going to learn anything if you shield me from them! And now I’m starting to think that’s your entire diabolical plan. I mean, why else would you be so hell bent on keeping me and Justin apart?”

“Are we seriously back to that?”

“Yes, we’re back to that! So what if it was Justin I wanted to sleep with? What does that have anything to do with you? Why do you care so much?” And then it hit me, like I was struck by lightning. It all made sense now. So much so that I started laughing. I couldn’t help it, really! And I wasn’t laughing at him, I was laughing at how stupid all this was. “Wait, no, I think I get it. You’re jealous.”

He blinked. “I don’t follow. Jealous of what?”

“Of me and Justin.” I nodded. “Yep. That’s it. You’re jealous of how close we are. That I go running to him before I come to you. That I need you less and need him more. That’s why you’re so anal about us spending time together. That’s why you’re always trying to keep us apart. That’s what this whole thing was about. And us potentially sleeping together? What, do you want to sleep with me? Is that it? You want me all to yourself?”

“No! Of course not!” he spluttered, his cheeks turning red. “Don’t be ridiculous!”

“Nice, thanks,” I muttered. Okay, that stung a bit more than I expected.

“That’s not what I—” he stopped and pressed his palms together, looking as if he were praying about something. I leaned my weight back on my palms and waited for him to say whatever it was he wanted to say. “I came here because Lance said you would apologize.”

“For what!?" I exploded. "I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Are you for real?” Uh-oh, that vein was sticking out of his forehead again. “You were completely out of line with what you said to me and about me. And you brought Nikki into it, when she hasn’t done a thing to you! You were disrespectful and yet you’re trying to get away with it by acting all innocent and cute but it’s not going to work this time! You have to start taking responsibility for what you say and how you act instead of carrying around and being an immature brat!”

“I am not an immature brat!” I jumped up and stood on the edge of bed to get even remotely close to his height so I could look him in the eye. “I’m not!”

JC scoffed. “What else do you call it when you go around saying the shit you say when the other person isn’t here to defend themselves? I don’t understand where it’s even coming from. Why don’t you like her?”

And, before I could think, before I could close my mouth, before I could stop myself I exploded. “Because she liked you! And you liked her! Everyone fucking liked her! She’s just like me! She’s smart, she’s nice, she’s funny, she can dance really well, she’s from the South, she’s…I don’t know—short! She’s short! She’s me! She’s me only…only better! She’s a better me! And you liked her! And you didn’t like me! You don’t like me. And I can’t…I can’t live up to her!”

“You don’t have to!”

“No! Instead I have to live up to this version of me you stick on a pedestal that I can never reach. And that’s not fair!”

“What’s not fair is you treating me any way you like because you think you can get away without consequences! And you can’t!” He licked his lips, his blue eyes flashing. “You know what? You’re right. Sometimes, I don’t like you. Like now when you’re being self-centered, rude, vicious, and disrespectful and, really, you need to grow the hell up.”

I don’t know who ended up more shocked, JC or me but I wouldn’t have believed that I had hit him if it weren’t for my stinging hand and the red mark on his face. I couldn’t look at him; I could only stare down at my hand. I didn’t just do that. Tell me I didn’t just do that… I curled my fingers into a fist which proved to be much more difficult than I had hoped since my hand began to shake.

“J-JC, I…I’m so...I just….please don’t….” No matter how many times I tried to finish my sentence, any sentence, it didn’t work. Why would he listen anyway? I just slapped him across the face, I wouldn’t listen to me either. But he needed to know…he needed to know…

As he turned to walk away I grabbed his arm on the backswing and held onto him. Though water-filled eyes I looked up at him. And the way he looked back at me made my heart clench; it was like I broke his heart.

“We have a soundcheck to get to,” he said quietly.

“Okay,” I whispered in the same tone.

And I let him go.