April 17th, 1998
London, Ontario, Canada

Have you ever had that moment in your life where you could perfectly pinpoint when it changed? Yes? Good, because I can do that as well. It changed exactly two days ago and I’m still trying to figure out if it changed it in a good way or a bad way.

Well, the good is that Justin and I are getting along again. Much more than before, really. There is no tension which eased some weight off of my shoulders. I really didn’t need the added on stress from trying to get him to understand why I was mad at him or when I had to carefully choose my words so as not to get him mad.

Now, the other side is that ever since this whole…arrangement started he’s always by my side. And it’s only been one day. He’s constantly offering help. Giving me attention. Spending all of his time with me when he’s not working. Well, actually that’s not a bad thing. I did miss getting to be able to hang out with each other, after all. But when it came to having to do my homework it was hard to concentrate when someone kept trying to stick their tongue down your throat.

And as much as I hated working on history homework I had to focus on it and he wasn’t helping.

“Who wrote the Magna Carta?” I asked the next morning while tapping a pen against my chin. Better than against my paper, it was already littered with pen dots. And who’s to say how the pages of the book my paper sat on looked? Those that prefer books in pristine conditions at all times would not like me at the moment.

“Don’t know,” Justin mumbled in response. “I really don’t care either.” He gave a little yawn and propped his cheek on his palm, his elbow creating a small dent in the pillow. “Haven’t you done enough homework?” He asked.

I shook my head. “No,” I responded, turning my attention back to the book. “I have to get it all done this morning.”

“Why?” He asked. Well, whined. It sounded more like a whine.

“Because I have a test at the end of the week and I can’t fail this one.”

Out of the corner of my eye I watched as he pursed his lips. “Just get Lance to tutor you again.”

“Sorry, J. no can do.”

“Get JC to help.”

“I can’t do that either.”

He heaved a sigh. “Mack-ieeeeeeeeee.”

Dropping my pen I began to rub at my temples. “I don’t think you understand how important today is. I’ve done a lot of crazy stuff in my life but teaching kids a new dance in the span of”—I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand—“four hours which is to be performed tonight is the craziest. I have to get all of my stuff done this morning and I can’t have you distracting me.”

A hurt expression crossed his face but I didn’t buy it. Instead I squinted at him, almost daring him to speak. “I was just going to ask you a question.”

I sighed. “What, J?”

“Can I have a kiss?”

It was such a simple question. But it was a loaded question. One that caught me off guard. I almost pulled a face at him but regained my composure in the blink of an eye. “You have horrible halitosis in the morning,” I responded, shaking my head and turning my attention back to my paper. “Besides, you guys need to be out of here in about an hour. You’d better wash up. And don’t take too long, I need to shower too.”

He tossed the covers off of himself and sat up on the edge of the bed. His back muscles stretched and rippled beneath his skin as he lifted his arms straight into the air. “Why don’t you shower with me? It’d save water.”

I scoffed at his gall. “Justin—“

“Not like we haven’t bathed together before.”

Why the hell was he pushing this issue? This ridiculous issue. “A) We were kids, it didn’t matter back then. And 2) you’re stalling. I don’t care if you want to go around smelling like a sweat sock for the rest of the day but I’m sure your fans will care.”

“I smell like a rose, thank you!” He threw the pillow at me. I used my book to deflect it and stuck my tongue out at him, trying my hardest not to openly stare at his chest. It was more defined from what I remember. He actually had some muscles on him. His abs were perfectly sculpted, almost as if Adonis himself chiseled them in…

Damn, when’d he get hot?

“Hey Mack?”

I flinched. My eyes shot up to his face only for his expression to confuse me. He was looking at me intently, his bottom lip held between his teeth. He looked…nervous. But about what? There wasn’t anything he couldn’t ask me, nothing we couldn’t talk about. I studied his face, tried to read his mind somehow but nothing came out. I lifted my hand and rolled my wrist a bit, signaling for him to continue with whatever it was he wanted to ask.

It couldn’t really be that—

“Have you ever had sex?” He blurted out.

—important.

Wait, what?

Did he just ask what I think he did? One look at his face confirmed it. Yep. He just asked me if I had sex before. My pen began to tap rapidly against the paper again, but I couldn’t control it this time. Kind of like when you have your foot resting on the ground in a certain way your foot beans to bounce. Only I was worried that, somehow, the pen was going to bounce out of my hand and lodge itself into his jugular in my surprise.

Clearing my throat I finally replied, “Not all of us jump in the sack with someone we claim to be in love with when we’re fourteen, J.”

He made a scoffing sound. He probably rolled his eyes as well. I didn’t want to risk looking up, looking at his face, into his eyes. That would not be a smart idea at all. Because then we’d actually have to have this conversation and I couldn’t be sarcastic or jokey about it.

We’d actually have to talk.

“Is that a yes or a no?” He asked.

I sighed, feeling y shoulders lift and drop with how deep I breathed. “No, J. I haven’t had sex.” There, no big deal. It’s the truth. Nothing to hide. Next subject, please.

“Not even with Nick?”

My pen stopped tapping and I stared hard at the text on my paper. It was starting to blur and dance around. I blinked and they settled back onto the page again. My palm flooded with sweat. The pen began to slip between my fingers.

I hadn’t thought of Nick in days, why was his name still giving me this reaction? Being jerked around by him was humiliating enough but to relive it when I hear his name? I gave my head a small shake, hoping to erase his picture from my mind like an Etch-a-Sketch.

“No,” I finally replied. “Not even with Nick.” To lighten the sudden stifling air I added, “Nor Joey, JC, Lance, Chris, the rest of the Backstreet Boys, or Trace. I’m…” I hesitated but then sighed, “I’m still a virgin.”

My cheeks burned. Why was this so embarrassing? It’s not as if it were a secret. Granted, I didn’t shout that information out to the heavens but… I wish he would stop looking at me in that way.

“Why?” I asked.

He blinked and rubbed the back of his neck. “Just curious,” he mumbled. I watched as he went around and gathered clean clothes from his suitcase and then shut the bathroom door behind himself.

Weird.

“Hey Brit, how’s Sweden?”

I balanced my phone against my ear and shoulder and reached out for the nearest box of pads that sat on the shelf in front of me. I glanced at the quantity that was printed on the box and then at the absorbency level. Making a small face I put it back.

“It’s amazing!” Britney drawled. Her thick accent made me smile. “We’re getting a lot of songs done. I still can’t believe this is happening.”

“Hey, if anyone deserves this it’s you. You have a great voice, after all.”

“Aww, thanks.” A sigh came through the phone. “I can’t believe we’re winding down already. I still feel like this is a dream.”

“A dream you’ve worked hard to achieve, girlie,” I reminded her, moving down the aisle. The pharmacy worker at the front glanced up at me and then looked back down as I walked around and scanned the shelves with my eyes.

Almost as soon as Justin got out of the shower it was the boys’ call time for the day to get down to the lobby and get their day started.  Thankfully. I didn’t know what to say to him. What else could you talk about after a conversation like that? Condoms?

I took my time getting my shower in, ate some breakfast, watched some TV, and then my own day started. I was supposed to be at the city’s dance studio but I convinced Liam to let me into the pharmacy to pick up some things first.

“Do we get to hear a snippet or anything?” I asked.

“Sorry. It’s confidential.” I could almost see the sparkle of amusement in her eye. “You’ll have to wait just like everyone else.”

“Bitch,” I uttered in a tone that wasn’t to be taken seriously.

She laughed. “So what’s been going on on your end? How’re the boys? JC? Justin?”

“They’re doing well,” I relayed, picking up a package of Epsom salt. “They’re still running, which is surprising to me to be honest. They haven’t asked for a break or anything yet. They just keep on going and going. I guess it’s because they know that if they slow down even a little there’s a chance they won’t ever gain their momentum back. I have to commend them for their drive.”

“That’s good, that’s good. Their music is played a lot over here. Almost once every other hour. People love them. If we had to take a poll I’d say Justin’s their favorite.”

My eyes flitted to the ceiling. “That doesn’t surprise me.”

“So, um…how is he doing?”

I shrugged and then remembered a moment later that she couldn’t see it. “He’s alright as far as I can tell. Has the same energy as before, if not heightened from the fan fare. He’s still a goofball. I think he’s getting a bit homesick but that’s expected, right?”

“Right, right.” She cleared her throat. I could hear a drumming sound in the background. Her nails? “Has he, er…do you know if he… That is to say… Do you know—“

“Brit,” I interrupted her. “Don’t tell me you’re still into him.”

“…Maybe.”

“Brit, still? It’s been, what, four years since MMC? Did that kiss really mean that much to you? I mean really? You were twelve!”

“It was the best kiss of my life!” She swooned. I stuck out my tongue. “He’s just so…cute.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. A moment later I realized what I had just said and quickly covered with, “I mean…if you’re into him.” I squeezed my eyes shut.

Lame. You’re so lame.

“I just wish we could talk again. I miss talking to him. And playing basketball.”

A scoff fell from my mouth. “I guess JC’s chopped liver, then?”

She laughed softly. “I miss him as well, of course. Just—“

“Not as much as Justin, I get it.” Oops. Didn’t mean for so much bite to come in my words. I was having an off morning. Yeah, that’s it. An off morning. “Hey, sorry, but I have to go. I have an obligation I need to fulfill.”

“I understand. I’ll call you later whenever I can. If not I’ll just e-mail you. Keep me posted on what you’re doin’, alright?”

“Will do, bye.”

I quickly ended the call and let out a breath. Squeezing my eyes shut I gave my head a shake. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Britney can like whomever she wants. Justin can date whomever he wants. I shouldn’t be in the way of any of that.

But I just put myself in the way.

“Idiot,” I grunted and punched myself in the thigh. Uttering another sigh I walked to the front and set the basket down on the counter. Reaching into my back pocket I began to pull out my wallet when the small display of condoms caught my eye. Who knew there were so many?

There were different sizes (S, M, L, XL), different styles (ribbed vs plain), different colors (red, blue, green, purple, orange, pink, black, yellow, glow in the dark even!), and some even came pre-lubricated. It made my head spin, seeing all of the options there in plain sight.

“Excuse me, miss? Is this all for you?”

I blinked and looked over at the cashier. His eyebrows were raised and his hand hovered above a button on his cash register.

“Oh, um,”  I stammered when I realized he had scanned all of my items. On impulse I reached out and grabbed a condom box and tossed it down onto the counter. “And these…please…” I mumbled. He rung it up and my eyes shifted around the store. Was I being watched? Just to be sure I shook my head, successfully making my hair fall into my face.

“That’ll be 17.78, miss.”

I slapped a twenty-dollar note down, muttering “keep the change” before dashing out of pharmacy and into the car that waited for me.

“That took some time,” Liam noted as I jumped into the car. He watched as I yanked on my seatbelt and slumped against the cushion. “Find everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Sorry about that, I got a bit distracted by the candy.”

As he started to go off on a tangent about needing to eat healthy I made sure the condom box was hidden from view.

“And turn and fan kick and run, run, run, and—scissor leap! Good! Big finish, big finish, and pose! Perfect!”

Setting my water bottle down on the floor I jumped up and began applauding. The little girls came down from their poses, panting, but smiling all the while. Their rosy faces were badges of achievement and all of the hard work they shoved into the past three hours.

“You girls are doing so well,” I gushed as I looked over at them all. “I’m so proud of you. Not only for taking time out of your day but for sticking to your commitment and not giving up as the time dragged on. It’s worth it in the end, you girls look amazing.”

“Thank you,” they chorused.

“Okay, how about we take a break? Get some food in you, get your fittings in, and then we can try a few more times to be sure it, well, wasn’t a fluke!” I suggested, laughing a little. The girls giggled and broke off into little groups, moving to the edge of the studio to get to their bags, talking all the while.

I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. It reminded me of my competition days when I was younger. Of course I never had to learn anything in such a short period of time but seeing their beams of pride, hearing their shouts of excitement brought it all back.

The feeling of flying while dancing. The adrenaline rush. The beats of the music deep in my bones. The music awakening my body.

It was heaven, plain and simple.

Going over to my own gym bag I picked up my SkyTel which had a message shifting across the screen. Frowning slightly I stood up fully, squinting at the screen. Just then the costume lady came in through the door and I had to stumble to avoid her, almost tripping over my bag in the process.

She threw an apology over her shoulder before she was bombarded by the excited girls. I lifted my hand in response and then reached for my phone. My thumbs shook slightly as I typed in a familiar, yet hardly used number. I lifted my phone to my ear and began to pace a bit, listening to the dial tone on the other end.

“Hello?”

“What’s going on?” I asked as soon as he picked up. “You said to call?”

“Yeah, thanks for responding so quickly. It’s important.”

“Well I should hope so with you saying I needed to call you back ASAP.” I sat down on the armrest of the couch. “So what is it?”

“Don’t freak out.”

I made a face at the phone. “Why would I freak out? Unless this is about someone dying or someone who has died.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s about…well, it’s about Lou.”

My blood ran cold. Every other sound I the room muted. My breathing came out sounding like Darth Vader’s. My hand began to shake, so much so that I had to move my phone to my other ear. “What is it?” I managed asked, pushing my hair behind my ear.

“There’s something weird going on on his end. We don’t know what it is exactly but it has to do with finances. We’re not too savvy about it but we know that some money is missing.”

I swallowed. “And you think he has something to do with it?”

“I know he has something to do with it. He’s the only one on our team that knows anything about handling money. And like blind fools we gave him all of this trust with it.” He paused. “We know we deserve more than we’re getting. Something fishy is going on, like I said, but we don’t know what it is just yet.”

“You think he’s stealing from you?”

“I don’t even think it’s stealing, he’s not hiding it. It’s almost as if this is plain information. Like we should have expected this.” He sighed. “Look, I don’t have much time. I’m only calling to warn you.”

“Warn me?”

“Yeah. Get your guys to take a close look at their monies and everything. They may not believe you because of the source but…I don’t want something bad to happen to them.”

“The rest of your group isn’t exactly fond of mine,” I pointed out. “So what’s it matter what happens to them?”

“Well, you get directly paid from them don’t you? I don’t want you to suffer because they’re suffering. It’s not really fair.” There was a scuffling sound on the line. “Look, I have to go now. Just try to warn them or take a look yourself or bring it up to Johnny. The sooner the better, okay?”

“Okay,” I sighed. “I’ll do it as soon as I get the chance.” Just then the door opened slightly. I looked up to see half of Chris’s face in the doorway. He swiveled his eye around in its socket and I had to bite down on my lip to keep from laughing. “I have to go, I’m sorry. Important dance stuff.”

“I understand. Thanks for hearing me out and not hanging up.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Oh, and Mack?”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say that I miss you…if that’s not too forward for me to say.”

I bit down on my bottom lip and sighed one more. “Goodbye, Nick,” I said and hung up my phone. I motioned for the guys to come in and I walked back over to my bag. “You’re just in time, the girls will be back any minute,” I addressed them. “How’d the interview go?”

“As well as interviews can go, I guess,” JC responded, giving me a hug. The others followed suit and began walking around the empty space. It didn’t take long for them to bust out some crazy moves in front of the mirror. “How’s it going here?” He asked.

“Really well. The girls picked u on the dance fast. I’m just worried about getting the costume alterations done on time and then getting to my acoustic show on time. They want me to watch but I don’t know if I’ll be able to.” Kneeling I tossed my phone into my bag and groaned when I noticed that, during my stumble, I knocked some contents out. I knelt and began to pick them up.

JC knelt beside me. “Maybe they could record it and you can see how they did,” he suggested, picking up some items and threw them back into the bag.

“Hopefully. I want to get a copy and show it to my grandparents. You know they don’t really get a chance to see what I come up with and showing them that would…really…”

My words died on my tongue. I had looked around to see why JC stopped picking things up only for some bile to rise up my throat. I had to swallow hard to get it to go back down. My mouth dried out when it registered in my mind what he was holding.

Time stood still.

“What’s this?” He finally asked, holding up the condom box. Any sarcastic retort I had died in my brain. “Are you having sex?” He paused and then asked, “Are you and Justin having sex?”

I wish a hole would open up in the ground and swallow me right about now.