April 15th 1998
New York, New York

I felt a steady pressure on my shoulder that pulled me out of my dreamless sleep. I blinked open my eyes and let out a little yawn before tilting my head up to see who’s arm the hand was attached to. I looked up into the eerily perky face of the smiling flight attendant.

“We’re about to land. Please put your seat in an upright position,” the flight attendant told me, the smile never leaving her face.

I nodded a little and adjusted the seatback of my chair and moved it into an upright position. I folded the blanket that I had been using to sleep and yawned. Next to me Lyric and Codie were gathering their things up as well. The flight was a bit longer than I expected, or maybe it was because of how early we had to leave the hotel to get to our flight.

“Is it just me or did that flight attendant look a little…?” Lyric pointed her finger at her head and spun it in a circle while whistling. “I mean, that smile? That was so freaky! Does she not know how to frown?”

“It’s called Botox, Lyr, it freezes your face,” Codie replied. She then grabbed the corners of her mouth and pulled them back, imitating the vast amount of women who get Botox. Lyric and I started cracking up and it helped unravel the knot of nerves that had coiled tightly in my stomach as soon as we got on the flight for New York. Knowing that I was going to be in the same country, state, city…vicinity as my guys left me as nervous as I am before shows. I would’ve had a little panic attack if Gabe and Abbey weren’t there to calm me down but now I only had half of the support system.

Since we would be going to Canada after New York I convinced Abbey to go to Montreal to see her kids and I’d stick with the guys the entire time. Not that I really wanted to but I knew she was missing her kids, my cousins, a lot and I wanted to give her as much time with them as possible before she had to leave again.

However, now that we’re getting closer to New York I’m freaking out and wished she was still here to act as a buffer. As soon as we landed we’d meet up with Johnny and while the others went to the hotel I’d go straight to MTV studios to watch the guys perform. I wonder how much they’ve changed since I’ve been gone…

I shook my head and stopped my thoughts right there. Thinking about them wouldn’t make this easier for me. I sat up straighter in my seat and looked out the window, watching as the buildings steadily got closer and closer because of our decent. I took in a breath and let it out slowly, counting to ten in my head to slow down my racing heart. This is ridiculous! I’m nervous over nothing!

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, there was the unmistakable bump of the wheels hitting the runway. We finally made it. Emphasis on the finally part. I was about ready to jump out of the dang airplane if we had to fly much longer.

“So, are we going to the hotel or…?” Gabe asked as he leaned over the back of my seat while waiting for the other passengers to get off the plane before us.

“You guys can if you want,” I replied. “I’m cutting it close to catching the guys on MTV. I think I’m just going to take a taxi right into the city with Johnny if you don’t mind taking my stuff.”

“You sure you don’t want us there? Y’know, for support and stuff?” Sevvie asked. “’Cause we’re here for you, say the word. We’re not just your band; we’re your support team.”

I let out a soft laugh. “I’ll be fine, but thanks for the support guys.” I’ll be fine. Those three words are so easy to say but hard to believe sometimes. Maybe if I repeat it to myself long enough it’ll cement in my mind and become real. They’re just a bunch of boys, nothing to be worried about.

Finally, with a little bump, we touched down in New York. I stretched my arms over my head and let out a long yawn before settling back in my seat and waiting for the other passengers on the flight to get their things and leave. The anxious part of me wanted to bulldoze everyone in sight out of my way so I could get off the metal tube but I stayed where I was and waited patiently. Well, as patiently as a girl can when she’s known for not being patient at all.

Finally we got off the plane and walked straight into the busy airport. I barely had time to pause and stretch my arms above my head before I was ushered to baggage claim. Whoever said this business was fast paced wasn’t kidding. I don’t think I’d have enough time to breathe if my body didn’t do it on its own.

I spotted Johnny first. With a grin, I abandoned my buggy with everyone else and took off, weaving through the crowds to get to Johnny as fast as I could. “Johnny!” I exclaimed happily once his eyes met mine. I threw my bag down and leapt into his arms. “I’ve missed you!”

“I missed you too, Little Lady,” he laughed while patting my back. Then he set me down on the ground and held me at arm’s length. “Well, look at you,” he gushed while beaming. “Something about you is different. Turn around.”

I let out a little sigh but obliged, much like one does whenever they see relatives for the first time in a while. I turned on the spot and then struck a little pose. “I haven’t changed that much,” I told him.

He shook his head. “Did so.” He pointed at my face. “Haven’t seen a smile that big on you in a while.”

I shrugged. “Going away was better for me than I thought,” I admitted. Johnny gave me a suspicious look but I kept my mouth shut. I wasn’t lying, so why was he looking at me like that?

Just then Aunt Abbey appeared by my side and we split up from my band to get into the car that would take us to the MTV studios. I was practically bursting with excitement. I loved MTV. Whoever came up with the station was a genius.

I rested my chin on my arms as I turned to look out the window to take in the fast-paced life of New York city. People, cars, and skyscrapers moved by as we navigated the streets in the van. The people here always seem to be in a hurry. It was a little amusing to watch them.

“How was the tour?” Johnny asked so suddenly that I accidentally bashed my forehead on the window in surprise. I couldn’t tell if he really wanted to know or if he was just trying to make conversation. If it was the latter I didn’t blame him, the silence in the car was starting to get to me.

“It was fine,” I replied, rubbing my forehead. “Wish I could’ve seen more of the sights, though. We moved through  Europe so fast it was like I blinked and missed the whole thing.” I yawned. “I’m just glad I can relax.”

Johnny laughed. “You haven’t been in this business long if you can utter those words.”

I made a face at Johnny’s back and returned to looking out the window while wondering what exactly I had gotten myself into. I never really put much stock into this singing thing. It was always just fun for me. I never thought of it as a job.

“We’re here,” Johnny announced as the car slowed down. He turned in his seat to look at me. “They’re performing for a group of people who are currently in the middle of a VJ contest. The performance is live so you’ll have to be as quiet as possible.”

“Okay.” I picked at my nails the entire time I followed him out of the car and inside the building. “So…how they’re doing? Is Darren treating them well?” I asked with as much nonchalance I could muster. I ignored the look that Abbey was giving me.

“They’re doing well,” Johnny replied. “Though you can see for yourself. Are you sure you don’t want to see them until they’re done?”

“I’m sure,” I replied. “I’d just distract them.”

“Okay then. Follow me over here…”

Shoving my hands into the pockets of my jean shorts, I followed him through a maze of hallways until we reached the brightly lit MTV stage. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe I was here! Well, I wasn’t on the show, but still! I was on the freakin’ MTV stage! I hesitantly walked around the stage as people move around and cameras began to move. I carefully walked over to the window and looked out before looking down at gasping at the amount of people that had come to watch *NSYNC. Signs and posters of every design and color were scattered throughout the crowd. I knew they were getting more recognition but this was amazing. I felt tears gather in the corner of my eyes and di my best to keep them away.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” Abbey asked from behind me.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m just…”

“Proud?”

“Yeah.”

I let out a breath and turned away from the window right as more people came into the room and sat on seat that were lined up in a row in front of the smaller stage. Nerves started jumping around in my stomach as everyone got ready.

“Oh my God!” I gasped, bringing my hands to my face. They…they just couldn’t be wearing what I think they’re wearing. Please, no! “Are they really wearing that?” I groaned. I hoped that if I blinked enough the image would go away but it didn’t. “Joey and JC look fine but…God! Justin looks like a freakin’ pirate with those earrings! And those pants!? Who dressed them? Lance looks practically see through! And what’s with Chris’s hair?” I let out a louder groan, still doing my best to keep quiet. “Can I kill whoever decided to dress them like that? It’s obvious they need me and are suffering without me.”

Abbey opened her mouth to say something but obviously thought better of it and pressed her lips together. I let out a breath and watched them carefully to see if they made any of the same mistakes they usually did, such as a bad foot placement or being a half-beat early or late. Darren taught them well, their moves were clean and sharp and they made it look effortless while having fun at the same time. The audience was obviously captured and entertained by their performance.

“They were good,” Abbey said as soon as it was over and we were escorted through the halls. “I didn’t see any mistakes.”

“JC overdid it as usual. Lance was still slightly off. Joey was paying too much attention to the camera than the audience. Justin still seems like a front man than part of the group and Chris, I think, is trying a bit too hard to stand out. And then there’s the slightly off choreography but who’s counting?” I rambled off and ended with a little shrug.

“You’re ruthless.”

“I’m entitled.”

“You’re holding a grudge.”

“I’m justified.”

“They’re in here,” Johnny said as we stopped outside of a door. “But try not to take too long. We have to head off to rehearsals and try and find time to get something to eat.”

“Is my stomach talking to you?” I asked while rubbing it as it growled. He chuckled.

“Do you want me to go in with you?” Abbey asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I rolled my eyes and pushed her hand off. “I’m sixteen, not six, I’ll be fine,” I replied. I grasped the doorknob and hesitated for a few seconds before grasping my wits and entered the room. I stood by the door and closed ti behind myself, watching as they spun around on the spot, trying to get their battery packs off. They looked like dogs chasing their tails.

“Um, do you need any help?” I asked over the noise while tugging at the hem of my red plaid hooded vest.

They all stopped and looked at me in a way that made me feel like I was under a bright spotlight. I could feel heat rising from my feet up to my face and could only guess that I looked as red as a lobster.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes!” Joey was the first to speak. Before I could move he rushed over to me and lifted me in the air in a tight hug. I could feel my bones creaking at the force of it.

“Joey, you can put me down now,” I groaned. He set me down on the ground and I was able to get a good look at him. “Whoa! You’re hot,” I stated as soon as I noticed his facial hair.

“Oh tell me something I don’t know,” he joked with a wave of his hand as Lance pushed his way forward to hug me.

“Hey Lancelot,” I mumbled into his ear as soon as his arms wrapped around me.

“Hey Smurfette,” he replied. He stepped back and held my face in his hands, studying me. I stuck my tongue out at him and he chuckled. “You look great.”

“Really? I have bags under my eyes about a mile long,” I replied with a little laugh. “But thanks for lying.”

Chris practically steamrolled Lance just to get me into a hug. He lifted me off the ground and swung me around like a ragdoll. I even felt a little dizzy once my feet were on the ground so I was glad that JC was courteous enough to bend over a bit to give me a hug. He had a smile on his face but there was a peculiar look in his eye. A look of fear, maybe? But what was he so scared of?

Once he let go I turned my attention to Justin who was staring at me. The silence in the room started to get really thick, almost suffocating. “Hey,” I spoke first. My voice was so soft I barely recognized it. I twisted my finger in a loose thread of my tank top while waiting for his response, if he were to respond at all. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.

“Hey,” he finally replied. His voice was just as soft as mine was. We regarded each other for a few seconds. He was the one to step forward and pull me into a hug. One are went around my lower back and his other hand went to my head, gently stroking my hair. It was weird. Not because he hasn’t hugged me this way before, he has, it was weird because I couldn’t fully appreciate it. Everything was screwed up.

“So how was it?” Joey asked eagerly. I pulled away from Justin and gave him a look at his sudden burst of enthusiasm. “Did you get a boyfriend yet?”

I made a face at him. “Will you stop asking that? It’s bad enough my grandmother keeps asking me the same thing. Besides, how would I be able to get a boyfriend on the road? It’s practically impossible.”

“That’s not what Abbey tells us,” Joey replied, still grinning. He was starting to resemble a jack-o-lantern. Stick a candle on his tongue and he’d be the whole package. At the confused look I gave him he clarified by stating, “She says you have your eye on a certain blond haired Backstreet Boy.”

“Hmm. Abbey needs to keep her dang mouth shut for she doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” I replied while pushing my hair behind my shoulders, ducking my head a bit so they wouldn’t see me blushing. “So…what’s on the agenda today?” I asked, shoving my hands into my pockets and started rocking back and forth on my feet.

“After this we have a signing, some time for lunch, sound check, a radio interview, and then the show,” Lance replied. It didn’t surprise me that he was the one to know, he always had the info. “What about you?”

I shrugged. “I’m free for the day as far as I can tell. I start my mini Canadian ‘tour’ tomorrow with you guys but it only consists of appearances, a few signings here and there, maybe a radio interview, but I’m doing small shows at malls in the area.”

“I wish we had that schedule,” Chris sighed.

I smiled. “I’d rather have yours. The free time is going to drive me up the wall.” I then clapped. “Well, let’s get going. The sooner you get your signing done, the sooner I can get something to eat. I don’t know about you but airplane food doesn’t cut it.”

So far so good.

The awkward air that hung around the guys and I seemed to be lessened as the day went by and we went to their signing at the local mall. There were a lot of screaming girls there. Some were red in the face, some were crying, a few even fainted! As soon as one girl grabbed Justin’s hand in a handshake—boom!—she was on the ground, out cold. I would’ve found the situation somewhat amusing had she not hit her head hard on the ground. She’s fine, though, she oinly received a major headache, thankfully.

Slowly, as time went on, things started to go back to normal. Chris was telling me all of his lame jokes and I’d laugh along even though I’ve heard them a million times. JC told me every single minute detail of every single day that I’ve been away from them, as if I really cared what color Joey’s snot came out when he was sick. Lance was the only one who really asked how I was doing, not that I was surprised, he aside from Justin, was the only one who knew how to approach me to get an answer to a question that I’d normally evade. He knew my tricks all too well.

Justin was quieter than normal, but I didn’t expect much. As the day went on we slowly allowed laughter around each other, smiles that were almost as bright as they used to be, almost genuine, but there was always something there pulling it back, a little devil on our shoulders stopping us from fully embracing one another again.

An elephant, if you will.

“Are you okay?” Lance asked quietly while nudging my arm. I turned my eyes away from the window and looked at him. His green eyes were looking at me in curiosity and a little bit of concern, if I had to guess. I didn’t know how to answer his question and I mumbled a response of affirmation. “You’re not talking,” he noted. It wasn’t hard to notice, being the only few in the little café we found anyone would notice if someone were quiet.

“Yeah, well, neither is anyone else but you don’t see me calling them out.” I shrugged and continued to poke at my food. “I don’t have anything to say I guess,” I replied. “I’m just listening to you guys., That’s all. I can’t contribute to the conversation that much.”

Lance, bless his heart, believes everything I say. And he should. I never had a reason to lie to him, until now. I’m so uncomfortable around them it’s scary. It scared me into keeping my mouth shut in fear that I’d say something wrong. Everything seems to be back to normal, but who are we kidding? It’s different. Too different to be considered normal.

“Well…how’d you like the performance?” Chris asked, learning forward to see me from where he was sitting on the other side of Lance. I shifted underneath their gazes which had simultaneously moved to my direction.

“It was…good,” I replied slowly. “I would’ve thought of an entirely different wardrobe, though. The energy was good and there were a few stumbles here and there but overall it was a solid performance.”

“That’s it?” JC asked while blinking. I lifted a shoulder and dropped it. “No criticism? No suggestions?” I gave another half committed shrug. Silence fell across the table again. I wanted to get up and run but I didn’t want to seem like a coward again. Besides, my legs were starting to hurt from running so much.

“Okay,” Joey finally spoke up, slapping his palms on the table. We all turned to look at him. My eyebrows rose at the look on his face. What can I say, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him look serious about anything. “We all know what’s happening so we might as well clear the elephant from the room. We all know about the letter, that’s why we’re all walking on eggshells right? Well, the floor’s open!”

Joey, no! I let out a groan and used a hand to cover my eyes. Joey meant well, I knew that for sure. He wasn’t a malicious person but I didn’t want to talk about this now and not in front of everyone.

“No one?” Joey asked looking around. “’Cause I have something to say.”

“You have no say, Joey. It doesn’t have anything to do with you,” Justin finally spoke up.

“Bull,” Joey replied. “This has everything to do with us now. When you do something stupid and it effects our friendship with her it’s our business.”

“Joe,” I spoke up before anyone else could do anything to make matters worse. Not that it’s possible. “I appreciate your concern but…I know you’re trying to help but I just want an answer to one question.” I turned my gaze to Justin who flinched as if I raised a hand to him. “Why?” I pressed my lips together as soon as the word fell from my mouth. It was then, at that moment, I realized how truly different justin and I were now. Not that we were every the same before but the rift of differences between us suddenly became a great chasm in my eyes. “Why’d you agree with me? To put our friendship on hold? Why didn’t you fight me? Dammit, Justin, why?”

Lance put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. Chris looked at Justin and raised his eyebrows. Joey, across from me, crossed his arms over his chest and JC pressed his lips together.  Justin ran his hands over his face a couple of times before covering his eyes and sighing. I didn’t think he’d ever speak but his voice came out so quietly I almost missed what he said.

“It…hurt to be constantly told that I’m the one who was holding you back,” Justin replied, his voice shaking. “It hurt to think that I was the one stopping you from doing…anything. It hurt to be told that I was what was keeping you from being happy. It’s why I didn’t say anything when you left.” He lifted his eyes and looked me dead in the face. “I didn’t want you to go, God knows I didn’t. If I had my way I’d keep you here forever ‘cause I can’t bear the thought that I won’t be a part of your life. But I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt you.” He gave a little scoff and shook his head. “But it seems to be the only thing I do to you, either way.”

I brought a finger up to my eye and blinked, catching a tear before it fell down my face. I picked up a clean napkin and dabbed at my eyes, grimacing when I saw the little black smudges on it. Note to self: use less eyeliner. “Not wanting to be my friend anymore hurt me worse than anything you’ve done,” I told him. “The fact that you just went along with it hurt. Without your support or knowing that you’re there for me…freaked me out, to say the least. The fact that you would just throw it all away hurt so much.”

“Er….we might have had a hand in that,” Lance admitted. I looked at him. He gave me a look that clearly spoke volumes that he felt ashamed. “Y’see we’ve never liked the idea of how it seemed as though your friendship was unbalanced and we’ve been vocal about that to the both of you. I guess we never understood it. We shouldn’t have meddled and I apologize on the behalf of all of us. I just hope you can forgive us.”

I pressed my lips together. Of course I forgave them, in my mind that was an automatic response but saying it out loud was tough. Instead I muttered, “You already kicked me while I was down, why’d you send that e-mail?”

“What e-mail?” Justin asked.

“The e-mail that said, in less terms, that you hated me,” I replied. How could he not remember that? He wrote it and sent it.

“I’d never say that to you, ever. Not to your face, let alone an e-mail.”

“Yeah and if anyone should get answers for sending an e-mail it should be him after you sent yours,” Chris replied.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. He was acting crazier than usual. “I haven’t had time to e-mail anyone and if I did it was only my mom and dad. Why would he have Justin’s side in this? Or anyone’s side for that matter? “What’re you talking about?”

“What’re you talking about?”

“Look.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the worn paper that had been read more than once, so much that I practically had every scalding word memorized. I don’t know why I continued to torture myself by having it on me.

Justin and Chris leaned forward to read it. “Did you actually believe this?” Chris asked. I gave him a look. Wasn’t he the one who was just jumping down my throat? “For one, J would never utter those words.”

“And two, we’ve been friends for fourteen years, not twelve,” Justin added. “Not that I’m counting,” he quickly tacked on to the end of his sentence. “I’d never say those things to you no matter how angry at you I was.”

“But who sent the e-mail then?” Joey asked.

“Oh, I have a few ideas,” I said darkly. I knew it! I knew it was Bobbie! That bitch!

“Stop the witch hunt,” JC finally spoke up after a few seconds of silence. He heaved a sigh. “I sent the e-mails.”