“So it is currently…11:47 at night, hence why I’m wearing this crazy get up,” I said as I pointed my small video camera towards the mirror in the hotel bathroom. I smiled at my reflection and waved before tilting it down to show my pajamas—a Cyndi Lauper concert tee and lounge pants. My black rimmed reading glasses sat on the tip of my nose. “I was in the recording studio all day and all night—which is why my voice sounds like crap right now. Or I’m getting sick, but I hope it’s the first one,” I narrated as I flicked off the light in the bathroom and walked into the hotel room.  “I hate being sick. I don’t know anyone who likes to be sick, but I can’t stand it at all,” I rambled.

“Anyway, I came back to the hotel about an hour ago to read and get ready for bed when I heard a strange sound coming from outside,” I addressed the camera while stepping over my clothes and shoes that are on my half of the room. I turned my camera on Aunt Abbey—hair curlers and all—and said with a grin, “Abbey thought it was a burglar.” She stuck her tongue out at the camera before I rounded it on myself. “A burglar on the fifth floor. The guy must’ve repelled from the roof or something.” I rolled my eyes and turned the camera back around as I approached the door that lead to the hotel’s balcony.

“Anyway, I was reading some magazines when I heard a noise outside so I went to check it out—are you ready for this? Y’sure? Are you sure you’re ready to see this?” I joked around as I turned the camera back on myself. Turning the camera back around I unhooked the latch on the door and opened it. “Now, if you look across the street you’ll see a closed bakery with an apartment on top,” I continued as I stepped onto the balcony, regretting it a few seconds later as the wintery wind pushed and pulled my clothes around. “However, if you look down…”

I stepped up to the railing and tilted the camera down to look over the edge. Almost instantly the group of fans that had gathered down on the street below exploded in cheers and screams. Flashes went off randomly while I lifted my free hand to wave at them. “According to Abbey they’ve been standing out there in the cold for three hours to get a glimpse of me,” I continued talking into the camera though I couldn’t hear myself that much well with the screams. “Crazy stuff, I tell you. This stuff….I still can’t wrap my head around it. They wait hours for me outside in the cold to see me randomly at the hotel. They wait hours for me at a signing to shake their hand or give them a hug. I couldn’t even—still can’t—imagine anything I do touching others’ lives.”

Talking to the camera feels like talking to Mom and Dad or my friends. It’s who my videos are for but it felt more personal this way. I felt strange talking to the camera at first but after a few times it got easier; it’s like I had my own video diary. “Hey Abbey, can we do something for them?” I asked, turning back to look at her, motioning to the crowd with my free hand. ‘”They’ve been standing out there all night.”

“You don’t suggest going out there, do you?” She asked. I can hear the worry in her voice. “I know you want to sign autographs and things but it’s dangerous. We could get kicked out of the hotel for a noise complaint or something.”

“No, no, I mean, get some of the hotel people to give them hot chocolate or something,” I replied, stepping onto the edge of her bed and then knelt on the edge of it. “It’s only about forty people. I’ll pay for it. I don’t want them getting frostbite.” I tugged at a loose thread on my pajama pants. “Please, Auntie, please?” I asked, sticking out my lower lip and reverting back to my childhood name for her. “I won’t be able to sleep knowing they’re out there slowly freezing to death. I don’t want to be responsible for that. Do you know how that would weigh on my conscience?”

“You’re overreacting,” Aunt Abbey said with a roll of her eyes. I kept the pout on my face until, with a half smile; she reached over to the phone and called room service.

I smiled in return and bounced off the bed, rushing over to the door that separated my room from Brian’s and Nick’s room. I knocked on the door before poking my head in. “You guys busy?” I asked as I took a quick look around at the floor. I don’t know why I’m so surprised to see a bunch of video games, clothes, shoes, and food wrappers laying all over the floor.

“Kind of,” they replied in unison, not taking their eyes off of the TV screen that displayed Mario Kart 64. They’re so transfixed in the game that they didn’t blink. It’s as if they’re afraid they’d mess up by the brief contact of their eyelids. I shook my head. Watching guys play video games is amusing sometimes.

“Ha! I win…again,” Nick cheered while tossing down his controller. Brian grumbled something under his breath while putting his controller down as well. “Were you saying something?” He asked while looking up at me.

If I wasn’t leaning against the doorway my knees would’ve gave way right from underneath me. Crushes are dangerous things, I tell you. “Yeah,” I replied, slightly annoyed that I had been ignored. I had to remember to get them to cut back on their gaming time. “There are about forty fans outside the hotel. Abbey and I ordered hot chocolate for them. Do you want to help deliver it to them?”

“Sure, I’ll go get the others,” Brian said as he stood.

I wanted to yell at Brian to stay in the room and for Nick to go get the others but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want them to think that I couldn’t be in a room with him when I couldn’t. After being at the studio the air felt weird between us, I’m surprised the others haven’t noticed. Well, if they did they’re doing a good job of hiding it. When Nick or I weren’t recording an awkward silence stretched between us that made me want to ram my head through the wall. Mandy seemed to take great enjoyment in us not talking to each other so suddenly because she amped up her annoying habits. Annoying to me at least, I’m sure some others would think of her antics as cute though.

When it finally occurred to me that Nick wasn’t going to say anything else I turned, closed the door, and went back into my room to put on some warmer clothes. I couldn’t understand it, did he like me or not? I only wanted a straight up answer, is that so hard? Being a Backstreet Boy I guess it was, it came with so many stipulations and rules and regulations I’d quit if I was them. But they loved music too much to do that.

I blinked when I felt the rapping of a fist on the side of my head. “Hello, Earth to Mackenzie,” Abbey called, an amused smile sat on her lips. She lowered her arm and shook her head. “Just like my brother, you get so far into your thoughts I’m sure you’d walk into an open manhole if you aren’t paying attention.”

Ridding my head of earlier thoughts I gave her a half smile and a shrug. “I feel safer in my thoughts sometimes,” I replied, slipping into my leather jacket and adjusting the hood. “I can’t judge myself for my thoughts and no one else can either.” I shove my feet into my shoes and pause to think how ridiculous I look with a leather jacket and lounge pants. I quickly tugged off my shoes and wiggled out of my pajama pants and pulled on some jeans.

“You know people are going to judge you no matter what,” Abbey said as she pulled on her own coat. “You shouldn’t be scared of other people.”

I scoffed. Oh, if only she knew… I paused while zipping up my jacket as my thoughts started to wander, Maybe I should tell her. I should tell someone. What can Lou do? He has to be bluffing about screwing things over with the guys. They’re one of his best acts. He wouldn’t dare risk them. I reached down to tie my shoes again and then clapped as I stood. “Okay, I’m ready to go. You got the video camera?”

She picked it up from the bed where I had tossed it and wiggled it around in a “ta-dah!” motion. With a little nod I lead her out of the hotel room. We waited around for a few minutes before the guys came out of the hotel room, then we took an elevator down to the lobby where we met up with room service people who are holding trays of hot chocolate.

“Okay men,” AJ said in a lower octave as he clasped his hands together. “It’s going to get ugly out there. There’s going to be grabbing. There’s going to be screaming. There’s going to be some crying. The important thing is to make sure of one thing…that they don’t latch on!” I covered my mouth to keep from laughing out loud at how serious he’s being about the whole thing. “We have Todd and Eric and the hotel staff but that’s it.”

“The important thing is we have to make sure they keep calm,” Kevin agreed and then he turned to me. “You can translate for us. Tell them that we’ll stay out and sign things if they’re patient and don’t cause a scene.”

“No problem,” I replied with a smile and then turned to Abbey, who stood by with a worried expression on her face. “Relax. The fans are pretty good whenever I talk to them. I think it’ll be better since I speak their language.” I motioned for my bodyguards to follow us out of the hotel and into the cold Paris air and a wall of screaming fans. Aaron started bouncing around excitedly because of all of the attention he got from some of the girls. I smiled at the sight. The little boy is going to be a heartbreaker when he gets older.

I surveyed the amount of fans. As I expected a good chunk of them started crying once we came outside and the large circle started to press in on us but a couple of their bodyguards made sure they kept the fans at a respectable distance. I beckoned Todd over to me. He placed his hands on my waist and easily lifted me up onto his shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said as loud as possible to be heard over the noise. It took a few rounds of shushes for the fans to quiet down. “Thank you. I want to thank you all for showing your support for us. As a token of our appreciation we have hot chocolate for you all,” I said in French while balancing myself on Todd’s wide shoulder. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the red light of Abbey’s camera as she took everything in. “Now, I promise we all will sign everything you’d like us to sign but the only way we can do that is if you all remain calm. Alright? If you do that for us, we’ll sign stuff for you. Thank you for your time.”

I laughed as Todd slipped me off of his shoulder, held me bridal style for a split second, and then put me down on the ground. For the next half hour we went around to each fan and shook their shaking hands, signed an autograph, took pictures, gave hugs, wiped tears, and accepted presents while taking in the kind words they were saying about how we inspired them or made their lives more bearable.

We stayed until the last fan had their time with us and had been given hot chocolate. I knew I’d probably get an earful from Liam, it being my idea. It’ll come. It’s inevitable but no matter what he would say it wouldn’t ever take away the feeling that nestled in every recess of my heart and warmed me right up.

“Did you hear what one of the fans said?” I whispered to my aunt as I looped my arm through hers and leaned against her side.

“No, what’d they say?” She asked, her voice and eyes filled with curiosity.

“I was talking to this one fan, asking her if she liked the shows and such, and she told me—can you believe this?—she told me that I’m inspiring her to learn to speak English. She wasn’t planning on it before but she said she wants to learn English so she can sing along and to understand them better,” I whispered, as if saying it louder would tarnish the special meaning.

“Y’see? You’re slowly changing the world, one person at a time,” Abbey said and then kissed the top of my head. “Just like we always believed you would.”

One person at a time…

Well, it’s a start.

April 8th, 1998
Paris, France

“C’mon! Please? Please?”

I lowered the microphone that sat by my mouth and reached behind me to unhook the wire that attached to the battery pack. I had a little bit of difficulty reaching it so I yanked the whole pack out of my back pocket and disconnected the microphone wire myself and then handed them off to a stage hand that I passed. Once the contraption was out of my hands I hurried to catch up to Liam who walked at a fast pace and somehow managed to dodge all of the stage hands that are currently setting everything up backstage for tonight’s show.

“Liam, please. I need a little break,” I said as I finally reached his side and matched his pace, now walking in the direction of the catering room that was set up for us to have a place to eat dinner before the show. We were told we wouldn’t have time to go out to eat, that we have a few interviews scheduled before the shows tonight. Like we needed our schedules to be more jam packed. “I’m dying!”

“I understand that,” Liam said as he looked at me. “But I can’t have you go who knows where and not do anything for ten days. It’s not possible.”

“Why not?” I asked. I knew I sounded like I’m whining but I needed the break. I’m starting to go crazy with this schedule. On my bad days I snapped at everyone and I felt so drained that I didn’t want to get out of bed in most cases, I only wanted to sleep.

“Because,” Liam replied. I rolled my eyes. I hated that as an answer. He held open the door for me and I walked into my dressing room and sat down in a chair. Abbey immediately got started on straightening my hair. “Because,” he repeated as soon as the door closed. “This tour ends for you soon.”

“I thought I’m with them until June,” I said in confusion. “I’ve only been on tour with them for about a month.”

“You were going to be with them until June. Your break is between April 15th—right after the show in Portugal—and ends on the 23rd where you’ll continue the tour in Orlando. You’ll tour with them as their opening act in America but only until the first two weeks in May then you’re going to start your own American promo tour. It’s why we’re pushing up the release of your second single, to go with the tour before it ends as well as releasing Beautiful Lie on airwaves,” Liam replied.

“Don’t you think that’s a bit of overkill?” Abbey asked while running a comb through the back of my hair before holding the rest of my hair up with a clip.

“On a normal basis, yes, but the fan’s demand for her is making her sales surge,” Liam replied with a proud smile. “Speaking of which, I have a proposition for you.” The smile on his face got a bit wider, if it’s possible. He looked like a jack-o-lantern, minus the candle on his tongue.

“Well, lay it on me,” I said as I crossed one leg over the other.

“Guess which R&B/hip hop girl group, who hasn’t released an album since 1994, got back into the studio and is now compiling a list of choreographers they’d want to work with?” Liam said slowly, while watching my reaction.

I let out a breath and turned my eyes to the ceiling as I started to think. “A girl group…1994…R&B….” I gasp and turn my eyes to him. No way! He can’t be talking about who I’m thinking of! “No!” I practically shouted. “Liam, you better not be joking!”

“I’m not, I’m not,” he laughed while holding out his hands. That’s good thinking on his part, I have a habit of flailing my arms and legs when I’m excited about something and if anyone is within striking distance they would get it.

“What? What? What’s going on?” Abbey asked.

“TLC’s recording a new album,” I reply, kicking my legs up in down while squirming in my seat. “And there’s a chance that I can choreograph one of their songs! Do you know what that means? It means I could be one step closer to becoming one of the top choreographers in the world! It’s TLC for crying out loud! T! L! C!”

“I can spell, thanks,” Abbey laughs and returns to straightening my hair. “That’s exciting news.”

“That’s beyond exciting news!” I correct her.

“Mmm, so I probably shouldn’t give you the less exciting news yet,” Liam said apprehensively while clicking his tongue.

“You can tell me anything. This smile won’t come off of my face anytime soon,” I tell him while pointing at my face.

“Johnny and I are scheduling your American promo tour to coincide with *NSYNC’s,” he replied. “So, in a way, it’s a joint promo tour. However you’re going to do a bit more appearances having been gone from the US for a while.”

I admit my smile faded a little bit at his words but not completely. As soon as it sunk in that my stint as the Boys opening act would be cut short I had an inkling that this was where he was headed. I sigh while looking down at my lap. Am I ready to see them so soon? I knew it’s only a matter of time until I had to face Justin and talk out our situation but I didn’t even know where to start, how to start talking about how hurt I am and how lost I felt because of him. This is a part of your job, you have to do it, I tell myself.

“Yeah, okay,” I reply with a nod and a small smile. “Sounds good to be able to be home again.”

“Speaking of which, what are you going to do on your break?” Abbey asked. “Are you going to go home to Memphis? Orlando? Or travel around with the boys until your promo tour starts?”

“Knowing Liam he has the answer to that already,” I said dryly. I close my eyes and begin to calculate everything. “Todays’ the 8th so we have…a week left in Europe. Starting on the 15th I have about ten days for a break. On the 23rd I’ll be back on tour, starting in Orlando, until, roughly, the 14th of May?” I asked.

“Exactly,” Liam replied, nodding enthusiastically. “See? It’s not so bad when you say it out loud.”

“Yes, but what do I have to do during my break?” I asked.

“As soon as you hit your break you’ll fly up to Canada to join the *NSYNC guys on their promo tour. I’ve booked you for three different performances and a couple of radio interviews. Two of the performances are acoustic, one is full set for some festival—“

“I know which one you’re talking about,” I interrupted him. “So I’ll be in Canada the entire break?”

“Yes.”

“We can visit Mémé and Pépé and we can see my cousins,” I told Abbey. I could already see the tears in her eyes from the idea of seeing her children again. She hasn’t been away from them for this long before.

“Yes, and a good chunk of your shows in May are in Orlando so you can stay with your father for that time instead of having to go to a hotel,” Liam finished, quickly taking a look at his palmpilot. He nodded to emphasize what he had stated. “I think that’s everything. I need to book tickets and tell Johnny that you’re on board with the plan.”

“When you do that, do you mind…not telling the others that I’m coming?” I ask while tugging at a thread on the hem of my shirt. “I kind of want it to be a surprise.” I give a little shrug. “They’re having their first live MTV performance in New York and I’m hoping to surprise them there,” I continue, recalling the information that Lance told me through his recent email.

Liam nodded. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. You have an interview with a teen magazine in about ten minute. Don’t forget to grab something to eat,” Liam said before turning around to leave the room.

“Easy for him to say. He can eat whenever he wants to. I’m stuck eating crap like granola bars,” I grumbled before swatting away a cloud of hair spray that swarmed around my head.

“Finished,” Abbey announced. Putting the hair spray can down on the counter. She paused to run her fingers through my hair and then placed her hands on her hips. “So what do you think’s going to happen when you see the guys again?”

“I think…it’s going to be a little awkward,” I replied after thinking about it. “But I think Justin and I can talk through it. I’m not ready to give up on this friendship. I hope he isn’t either.”

“I don’t think he is,” Abbey said while rummaging around in the makeup case. She stood up with four lipstick-like tubes in her hand. “You’ll see, everything will work out fine.”

I made a scoffing sound. “Yes, right after life decides to put me through the wringer.”

“Well, life’s going to have to find someone else to pick on,” she replied and then held the tubes in front of my face. “Eye shadow—which do you want, purple, gold, silver, or black?”

“Hmmm…let’s go with purple,” I reply and start kicking my legs again. I hum and begin my vocal warm-ups. They helped whenever I’m to do an interview. If I didn’t do them my voice would be raspy and it’d make the show suck. Suddenly the door swung open and Aaron, the little ball of energy that he is, catapulted himself at me for a hug. “Ah. I see someone’s over their cold,” I commented while ruffling his hair.

He nodded rapidly. “Yup, I’m feeling much better! I can tell—Mom’s been taking a bit more aspirin lately,” he explained with a laugh. He rested his chin on my shoulder as Abbey lowered my left eyelid and applied the eye shadow. “What’re you doing?”

“Putting on makeup,” I replied, swiveling my right eye to look at him. “It’s so my face doesn’t wash out under the lights and to enhance my beauty—or whatever junk they put on the packages nowadays.”

“You don’t need that stuff, you’re fine without it,” Aaron stated.

“Awww,” I cooed while laughing. “You’re going to make a girl happy some day, saying things like that.”

Aaron wrinkled his nose. “Ew,” he muttered. “I don’t want a girlfriend. Girls have cooties!”

“You’re ten and you still think that?” I laughed. As soon as Abbey pulled the eye shadow away from my eye I reached out to him, making growling sounds. “Watch out! I’m going to kiss you and then you’ll have cooties!”

“Nooooo!” Aaron screamed and tore out of the room.

I chased after him, making sure to thank Abbey over my shoulder before I left the room completely. The little kid is fast. I had to lengthen my stride a little to adjust to his speed. When I finally caught him I swung him around and planted a loud kiss on his cheek.

“Ha ha! Now you’re infected!” I cheer as he squirms out of my grip. “Too late, it can’t be reversed!” I tell him as he frantically wipes his cheek, although a large smile is on his face. “Okay, Aaron, we can hang out later. Right now I have an interview I need to do and then I have to warm up for tonight’s show. Go find your mother and please eat something healthy!”

“You sound like BJ,” Aaron points out with an eye roll to accompany his words.

“BJ’s a smart girl,” I said with a wink and a wave. I began to snap and whistle to fill the strange silence. The backstage area of venues isn’t usually this quiet. I switched from whistling to clicking my tongue. Have the halls always been this long? Where’s a security cart when I need one? I wondered as I looked around at the cement hallway that had me surrounded.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up before I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder. My heart immediately bat itself around in my chest and a chill ran down my spine. I swallowed thickly and dropped my shoulder so the hand fell off.

“Lou,” I uttered. My skin started to crawl at the mere sight of him. It didn’t help that he had a strange smile on his face while clutching a magazine tightly in his hands. I backed away until I felt the cool wall against my back. How’m I so stupid to let myself get caught? “What do you want?” I had about a million guesses.

“I wanted to show you this,” he replied, turning the magazine around to show me what’s on the cover. I cringed when I saw the picture on the front. It was when the guys, Aaron, and I had spent one of our days off in the park. However the European paparazzi got a picture of us and twisted it to make it seem like we had been on a date.

“What about it?” I asked, glancing down to look at my watch. Liam had to come looking for me soon. He could get me out of this.

A smirk spread across his lips. “Seems to me that there’s something more going on here,” he replied, his smirk getting wider.

I could feel the contents in my stomach turning over at his smile. “You’re mistaken,” I replied firmly.

“Am I?”

“Yes, and I’m not going to play this game for you. Not anymore. I don’t care what you do.” I took in a shaky deep breath and looked him in the eye. You can do this, you can do this. “I’m not scared of you. I won’t let you control me any longer. I don’t care what you to do my friends, what you’re doing to me…it’s wrong! And I won’t let you do it anymore.”

The smile slipped off of Lou’s face and his eyes hardened from behind his transition glasses. “So you want to be responsible for the end of your friends?”

“You won’t do anything to them,” I called his bluff, hearing my voice strengthen with each added word. I clenched my hands into fists for they were shaking. “They’re too valuable to you. If you let them go you’ll have nothing! I know there are others…some parents even know about this, I’m sure. You won’t win, Mr. Pearlman. Even if it takes me to my last breath, you won’t win.”

“We’ll see about that, won’t we?” He challenged me. “Remember, you’re a little speck. You’re nothing. I, however, have power and I won’t hesitate to use that against you.” He gave a fake shrug. “Maybe I could use your boyfriend to teach you a lesson.”

“Nick’s not my boyfriend and leave him out of this,” I hissed.

Lou laughed. “It’s funny how much you care about him; I should’ve known that my plan would work out better than staged outings. It’s also amazing how much one can learn about someone else by being vague with my wording.”

Dammit! I screamed in my mind. How could I’ve been so stupid? I should’ve seen that ploy coming from a mile away! I gulped and tried to keep my breath steady but I wanted to scream out in frustration and in fear.

“Leave him alone,” I ordered.

“You don’t call the shots around here, I do and you’d be wise not to tempt me.”

“There you are!” Liam said as he burst around the corner. “The interviewer is here, ready for you to arrive. I understand that whatever it is you’re talking to Mr. Pearlman about is important but so are your priorities.”

“Liam—“ I started.

“You can talk to him later,” Liam said as he gripped my upper arm and started to walk with me down the hall. “The interview should last about twenty minutes; I’ll be hanging around backstage to make sure it doesn’t go over. The interviewer speaks both English and French so it doesn’t matter which one you use.”

I clamp my mouth shut, knowing full well that I wouldn’t be able to get a word in edge wise. I bit my lip hard enough to punish myself but not enough to draw blood. Who knows what Lou would do now that I’ve stood up to him? I know I’m right about him not dropping my guys, they earned him a lot of money and a smart person wouldn’t break off that sort of income. But what could he do? What?

I almost walked past the interviewer because of my muddled brain. We sat down in the chairs and we began speaking about which part of Canada I’m from and if this is my first time to France. It’s amazing how fast French people can tell which part of France you’re from because of the different dialects in their language. I’m amazed that she could tell I’m from Canada simply by the way I pronounced some words differently. After speaking on that for a few minutes we got down to business and I answered the same ol’ reporter questions: how old I am, where I’m from, what do I like to do when I’m not performing, my writing process, how long I’ve been dancing, how the tour is going, all the boring questions.

I wish interviewers would ask different questions instead of asking the same one over and over again. Then I actually have to put in the effort of making my answer a little bit different than the last one. I wish one would ask me something like…where do I like to shop or who’s voice would I like to have if given the chance or something interesting!

“And your fans?”

I blinked. Oops. Probably shouldn’t have zoned out. “Sorry? Repeat what you said, please?” I asked, giving a polite smile.

“And your fans? How do you feel about them?” The reporter repeated.

I smiled and pushed my hair out of my face. I paused to collect my thoughts and to make sure I said everything I want to say in the right way to get my point across. “My fans mean…the world to me. I’m just a kid from Memphis, Tennessee and the fact that I’m out here doing this and they support me means a lot. I love…that I can talk to them through my songs. I have to admit that I didn’t want to do this at first—singing I mean—but the fact that I can use my songs to talk to my fans about anything I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about is great. The fact that they relate to it is amazing.”

I stopped to blink back the swell of tears that wanted to spill from my eyes. I always ended up crying whenever I took the time to think about my fans. Taking a deep breath, I cleared my throat and continued. “They’re energetic and wonderful and empowering and encouraging and I couldn’t ask for better fans. I can never explain to them how grateful for them I am. I…I can’t understand the fact that I can go onstage for an hour and sign as many autographs as I can and they wait and they’re okay with that. They wait…hours, fly from different countries even and wait all day to talk to me. I’m not that special. I’m no…Madonna or anything but they wait. And doing what I do is good enough for them? I don’t feel like it’s enough, but it is, and that feeling…it’s amazing.”

“Stop it!” I tried to sound angry but the laughter diffused my words as I placed my hand over the lens of Gabe’s camera—well, my camera that Gabe stole—and lowered it from his face. “Stop taking pictures of me.”

“The only pictures I have are of the sights around here. I need some pictures of you to have variety,” he explained, the cool wind pushing his hair out of his face. “Act like I’m not here.”

“That’s impossible,” I teased, tugging my jacket tighter around myself.

As soon as the show ended the Backstreet Boys, Aaron, my aunt, some people from the tour, and I went straight to the Seine river to take some time to relax before we got on our busses and get shipped off to Spain for our next five shows.

I moved through the show in autopilot, which isn’t that hard once you’ve moved through the routine day after day. I could tell that Liam knew something was off with me but how do I bring up the fact that someone he seemed to hold on a high pedestal that he’s a disgusting, sleazebaggy asshole.

On a normal day I’d be acting crazy and stupid like the rest of them, running around the man-made beach but I’m not in the mood anymore. Not knowing that…Big Brother was out there waiting to do who knows what to my boys.

I looked at my cell phone in my hands. My thumbs hovered over the different buttons that I had assigned to their numbers on speed dial. I wanted to call them so badly, I didn’t care which one, and just…let everything out. Tell them about Lou and think of what to do to get him exposed. More than anything I wanted to get the feeling back that I knew they would always be there for me, they had my back, and they’d always be there to protect me.

If only pride wasn’t so damn big.

A sudden jolt to my side almost made me drop my phone over the railing and into the river. “Are you crazy? I could’ve dropped this!” I snapped, clutching it close to my chest.

“Sorry, you just seemed to engrossed in your phone. We’re out here to have fun, not be around technology,” Nick replied.

 I crossed my arms over my chest and lifted my eyebrows. I wanted to say something to him but I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? Everyone around us could see that I was upset with his behavior but I couldn’t just tell that to him.

“What?” he finally asked.

“Now you talk to me? Now you decide to stop ignoring me and actually acknowledge my existence?” I demanded. “To what do I owe this pleasure, Mr. Carter? Hmm?” I asked, laying the sarcasm on thick. “Did you girlfriend happen to walk off the face of the Earth? Did she pull of that mask she calls a face? Or is it just convenient for you because she’s not here?” I clasped my hands together in mock excitement. “But I should be happy that Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy is actually giving me the time of day. I think I’m going to positively faint with excitement.”

Okay, so I’m acting like a bitch, but who wouldn’t if they were in my shoes? I’m tired of playing the “does he, doesn’t he” game with Nick. I always knew boys were weird and downright annoying but this was ridiculous! I’m getting dizzy running around in circles like this so the buck stops here!

I gathered my hair into a ponytail and then let it drop over my shoulders. “Look,” I began after a long sigh. “I don’t know…what’s going on in your head or with you and Mandy or anything but…” I hesitated. I could feel butterflies with large wings flapping around in my stomach and, for a moment, they stopped me from saying what I wanted to say but I managed to get over it. “I…I like you. A lot. Hell, probably a lot more than I should but I can’t help that. But I’m tired of trying to figure out if you like me or not. I’m tired of staying up late at night practically dissecting everything you say to me to see if it was a sort of sign that you feel the same way. I’m just…tired of it all. I’m sure you heard by now that when our break arrives I’m going to be with my guys and…until then I want you to figure out whatever the heck’s going on between you and Mandy or you and me. I’m not going to be in between you guys, I’m not going to be that girl. So…until you know what this is about…” I pointed between Nick and I “…I think we need to back off our friendship for a bit.”

Nick, who hadn’t said a word the entire time I was talking, looked at me. For once I couldn’t read the look on his face; it’s as if he made sure to wipe every single ounce of emotion off of his face. “If…if you’re sure about this,” he said slowly, his voice slightly raspy.

“I’m sure,” I said firmly and crossed my arms over my chest.

Not only to keep the heat underneath my jacket in but also to physically restrain myself so I wouldn’t change my mind.