March 26th, 1998
Gothenburg, Sweden

It took everything inside of me to keep my feet from moving and dashing right out the door as soon as I stepped into the conference room. My stomach twisted and lurched as soon as my eyes rested on him. Lou Pearlman. I should’ve known he’d be here but the thought didn’t even cross my mind. Of course he would be here, he was working over Johnny and basically knew every single thing that the Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC did.

Great day for you to wear shorts and tights, oh smart one. Especially with Sweden’s weather, I chided myself while sitting down next to Liam at the large table. Nick sat down across from me, next to Johnny, and Abbey sat at the back of the room, staying out of sight as best as she could but being close enough to hear and to make sure she had a say in anything.

For the first few minutes no one said anything. I bounced my leg. Then I bounced my foot. I sighed a few times and tapped my fingers on the table. I have the worst patience in the world, I realize, but something as important as bringing us in for this you’d think they’d just get right down to business. I just…I wanted to be away from people for a bit. Was that too much to ask?

I laughed a little mentally. There I go again, wanting to run away. We’re built with the Fight or Flight instinct but, despite how tough I seemed to be, deep down I was nothing but a coward, always running away. As if my mind was programmed to always make me choose the Flight option. I wanted to talk to my dad. My mom.  Justin even, I just…I needed to talk. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind doing this and not knowing how the next day would work, what I would have to face, what stupid teenage problem would knock at my knees until I fell down, which was always inevitable.

I couldn’t even get that letter out of my mind. It had to have been Bobbie who wrote it, no one else would be that malicious. She’s wanted me out since she met me and found out how long I’ve known JC. I mean, sure, I did used to kind of sorta like him, but not anymore. We’re friends. That’s it. But writing that e-mail was a low blow to my mentality and my emotions.

I swear, if she ever got into the same room as me…

“Okay,” Johnny finally spoke up. He tapped his papers on the table before putting them down and clasping his hands together. “I’ll just cut to the chase, we’ve been getting…reports, you could say, about you two.”

“Hey man, I haven’t done anything wrong!” I said as I held my hands up as if to signify how innocent I was. Why couldn’t I shut up? As soon as my mouth moved it didn’t want to stop.

“Calm down,” Liam laughed, putting my hands down. “You’re very jumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong. None of you did. We’re talking media reports.”

“Oh.” Well, now I felt stupid.

“Media reports about what, exactly?” Nick asked, his eyebrows crinkling together.

“You two,” Lou spoke up candidly.

Us two…what? I looked over at Nick who was probably reflecting the same look on my face. Then I looked at Liam to see the smile hadn’t left his. Us two? Us two? Oh….OH! Then I made a face, despite my heart actually jumping at the idea of use being considered together together. “No. No no no no,” I said quickly, waving my hands. “Nick and I aren’t, y’know, dating or anything.” Not that I don’t want to be. “We’re just friends.” Which sucks.

At my statement Nick’s face turned red and he quickly shook his head. Bless his heart, the poor guy’s so embarrassed he looks like he’s about to explode. “What she said,” he muttered.

“But the fans seem to think so and why not let them continue to think so?” Lou asked, a smile stretching over his features.

“I won’t lie to my fans. I don’t lie,” I stated. Abbey scoffed. “Okay, I don’t lie on purpose.” She made a sound again and I swung to look at her. “I only lie when I’m being sarcastic, I don’t flat out lie,” I told her. She smiled at me. “Shut up,” I grumbled, turning back around. She was totally related to my dad. I don’t know what it is about the Desrosiers side of the family but we sure are irksome. It’s no wonder I get on JC’s nerves so much. Then I made a mental note to try and be more civil towards him. I’m surprised I didn’t give him gray hair by now.

“I’m confused,” Nick spoke up. “You…want us to pretend we’re dating or something?” He questioned, his eyes crinkling in the corners a bit. I bit my lip and looked away from him. Goddammit, why is everything he does so cute? “I don’t feel right doing that.”

“I second that notion,” I replied, lifting my finger. I wasn’t going to fake a relationship with anyone just to protect our name and our sales and everything. Even if my emotions were real, I wasn’t going to put them on the line.

“We’re not saying you should pretend to date, we’re just saying make it an effort to be seen together a bit more,” Johnny said slowly, as if saying a different way was going to make me change my mind. “Ultimately, what we want you two to do is record a song together and release it as promo for your tour. If people back your…friendship then they’d want to buy the single and attend your concerts to see it played live, should it be a hit. Which I’m betting it will once we get Max and Denniz to agree to produce it.”

“So what’s the point in bringing us here if we don’t even really have a say in it at all?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. “I mean, you’re just going to make us do it anyway, right?”

“We thought you’d be somewhat happy about it,” Lou replied. I wanted to ram the heel of my palm up his nose.

“Happy about lying?” I questioned. “Weren’t we taught that it’s a sin to lie or something? But you’re perfectly fine with pulling the wool over people’s eyes.”

“All we’re asking you two to do is record a song together, really,” Liam explained. “That’s it. No strings attached.”

I scoffed.  “Famous last words.”

April 7th, 1998
Paris, France

As the tour went by it would be easy to say that I felt into a sort of groove and got used to the hectic pace but it was a whirlwind. One night would be spent sleeping on the tour bus to get to the next city and another night we’d be on a red eye to the next country. In between we’d stop to do in-store appearances, go to radio stations, TV shows, do phone interviews, all that jazz. Only rarely were we able to see the sights.

The tour life was starting to take its toll on us all, emotionally and physically. Half of my band was sick and had teapot spouts basically shoved up their noses.  AJ had gotten his foot run over when we tried to leave a venue so the Boys had to do the show without him a couple of nights. Aaron’s mood was slowly deteriorating from being on the road so long; I think it finally hit him that it wasn’t about “fun” more than it was about working now.

I hit that “low” about a week ago. I couldn’t get to sleep; the gentle rocking of my tour bus didn’t even help. I tried reading and watching TV when I suddenly started bawling for no reason. Full on waterworks and I just couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. Aunt Abbey and the rest of the band stayed awake with me to try and get me to calm down. I guess I hit rock bottom from a combination of a lack of proper sleep, being on the go constantly, and not giving my body time to rest.

But something about being in France rejuvenated my spirits and this was the highest I’ve felt since I’ve joined the tour. I woke up with a smile on my face because I was so excited. Not only was I in a country where I could speak the language for once but my grandfather was from here and I finally got to see the place where he grew up. I’ve always wanted to come to France to learn more about my father’s side of the family and now I have the perfect opportunity.

“Whoa, good morning Sunshine. Who turned up the watts in your smile?” Gabe asked as I shuffled to the front of my tour bus.

“Yeah, you look like someone just told you it was your birthday,” Lyric agreed while dumping an unnecessarily large amount of sugar into her cereal.

Codie suddenly gasped and put down the newspaper she had been reading. “Did Mandy leave?” She asked in a stage whisper.

“Codes, she’s on the other bus. She can’t hear you,” I laughed but I knew her whispering was because she doesn’t speak ill of anyone. I envy her for that ability and I admire her for it as well. “But no, it doesn’t have to do with her. I’m just so happy and excited I’m finally in France! France, guys! Do you know how long I’ve wanted to come here?”

“Since you came out of the womb waving a Canadian flag?” Gabe joked. I moved to smack at his arm but he brought his foot off to keep me at bay. “I’m just teasing you, Charlie. I have to say this is a nice change of pace from the constant mood you’ve been in before,” he noted and held out a bowl of cereal for me. I took it and sat down on the couch that was across from the “kitchen” are of the bus, which wasn’t really much, just a table in front of a short piece of wood that was supposed to be a counter which was sandwiched between cabinets.

“It’s the Xanax,” I replied taking a bite of my Trix cereal and smiling at the strong taste of it. “I’ve never felt so relaxed in my life despite having so much to do today.”

“What do you have planned today?” Codie asked, pinching a piece of toast and popping it into her mouth. I can’t fathom why she won’t eat it like a normal person.

“Recording for most of the day,” I replied. “Johnny and Liam got Denniz and Max to fly out here for Nick and I to work on that track they want us to record together. The want it out as soon as possible and this was the soonest we could get those two out here.” I sighed. “Figures, I get a day off and I have to do work.”

“Sometimes it’s so obvious when you do things for the first time,” Gabe said in a condescending tone. I stuck my tongue out at him and rolled my eyes. “Are you going to be in the studio all day?”

“Think so. Maybe get a jump start on ideas for my full length album.”

“Are you going to be okay with that?” He asked. At my look on confusion he continued. “Being stuck in the studio with Nick all day, I mean. I know you have a thing for him and I don’t want you to be distracted or make a rash decision.”

I sighed and handed my bowl of cereal over to Abbey who had been pretending not to pay attention. I wasn’t in the mood to eat much anymore. “Look, it’s just a crush. I’m not going to do something stupid because I like his face.”

“Say that now,” Sevvie said with a shrug. “I’ve seen girls completely change who they are because they like a guy.”

“And do you really think that I could be in danger of doing that?” I asked, lifting my eyebrows.

“No, you seem to be pretty confident in yourself. Just…be careful. He has a girlfriend, remember?”

“Like I could really forget about that,” I grumbled. ‘Cause she’s so freakin’ perfect with her perfect hair and her perfect teeth and her perfect smile and her perfect 5’6” body with the right curves in the right places. My anger rose just from thinking about her. I still didn’t understand why he didn’t break up with her. I like to think that I’m better than her. True, I do make fun of people and tease them to no end but I never mean any harm by it. But her, her words are very precise and are meant to be used to hurt other people, even Nick sometimes, and he didn’t deserve that. No one did.

“I think what they’re trying to tell you is to be sure to listen to your head more than your heart, okay sweetie?” Abbey told me.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” I sighed, getting to my feet. “I’m going to change now.” It’s become sort of a habit now to tell them what I was doing before I did it, but only on a need to know basis so they wouldn’t freak out and think I was going to harm myself. Well, more than I already have, but they don’t know about the cutting. I’ve done a good job of distracting myself so I wouldn’t self-harm again but It was getting harder as the days went on and I was scared I’d suffer a breakdown soon. However the fear of having JC or Justin or the others disappointed in me helped me so far.

It was kind of strange, how I was more worried about JC and Justin being disappointed in me than my parents being disappointed in me. I cared about their opinions more than others, even if Justin and I weren’t on good terms right now.

I shuffled to the back of the bus where my bed was located and closed the door. Usually the back was a sort of back lounge but for me it was my bus. Everyone else slept in bunks, which I actually prefer, and the front part of the bus was a bit larger than usual to make up for the fact that there was no official back lounge. We hang out in my room a lot, though, to watch TV and play some video games and to talk. It was my favorite place on the bus.

Butterflies decorated the ceiling in glitter paint as well as glow in the dark stars. Every inch of wall space, especially the one right above my pillows was covered with pictures of my friends and I. Me and my guys, me and the Backstreet Boys, with Trace and Rachel, my horse Blubelle, my family, and Heather. I loved this bus. If I could live here I would, but I’d miss my home and friends too much.

I flipped open the top of my suitcase and stared down at the mess. It was organized when the tour started but, whenever we went to different cities, I’d just shove everything back in it and go along my merry way. Sighing, I sat down on the floor and started digging through it to find something that would fit the mood I was in. I had the shoes and the pants ready and I was digging for a shirt when my fingers brushed against something cold and flat.

I pulled it out and studied it for a couple of seconds, feeling my heart squeeze once I recognized the picture. It was one that I had failed to put up because it hurt me too much to look at it. It was of Justin and I when we were younger. Our arms were wrapped around each other’s shoulders and we were smiling brightly. The thing that made the picture funny was that there was a giant hole where our front two teeth used to be.

I let out a breath slowly and put the picture down. Why did he want to stop being friends just like that? I still couldn’t figure it out. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? I just couldn’t figure it out. Did our friendship mean so little to him that he didn’t even want to fight for it?

On impulse I grabbed my phone and went to dial his number but I stopped. He wouldn’t answer once he saw my name. I’ll call JC, he’ll answer and I’m sure he can get J to talk to me. I pressed my phone up to my ear and waiting, listening to the gentle hum of the engine as we moved down the street.

“Hello?”

Oops. I probably should’ve checked what time it was there before I called. He sounded tired. “JC, it’s me.”

“Oh, hey Mack. What’s up?”

I closed my eyes briefly, angry at myself for my heart jumping at the sleepy tone he had in his voice. “Did I wake you?” I glanced at my watch while asking this and mentally banged my palm against my forehead. It was about ten here so it must be early in the morning wherever they were.

“No. This was a great wakeup call, even though I don’t need to be up for two more hours,” he replied sarcastically.

I stuck my tongue out at the phone even though he couldn’t see it. “Well aren’t you a bright bag of sunshine?”  I muttered. “Okay, I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“I figure it must be somewhat important if you called at this time of night,” he replied.

“It is. I need you to give the phone to Justin,” I replied, tugging at the loose thread on the bottom of my pajama pants.

“He’s sleeping. Anyway, I heard something about you and Nick? Be careful, would ya.”

“Wait, what? What does that have anything to do with this?”

“Nothing,” JC admitted. “But I’m telling you to be careful, okay? Don’t get in over your head.”

“JC, give Justin the phone,” I growled.

“I can’t do that.”

I felt my shoulders slump. “Why not? Just wake him up and give him the phone. I need to talk to him, it’s important.”

“Okay, I don’t think it’s a good idea then.”

I frowned. “I don’t think you really have a say in it.”

He let out a laugh. “I think I do, it’s my phone. Why’d you call me if you wanted to talk to Justin?”

‘Cause I miss hearing your voice. “Because I knew he wouldn’t answer the phone if I tried to call him directly and he listens to you.”

“About as much as you listen to me.”

“Give him the phone!” I ordered. I wasn’t in the mood to beat around the bush.

“Is this about that e-mail?” He sounded fully awake now. I could practically see him sitting up in bed with one of his I-know-everything-about-you-so-don’t-try-to-hide-it sort of look on his face.

My stomach dropped. “How’d you know about that?” I whispered.

“Joey told me,” he replied. “Look, I think you should just…forget about Justin for now. Focus on yourself and then come back and try to talk to him about everything you want to your heart’s content. I’m begging you, Mack. You need to separate yourself from him. Your attachment is toxic.”

My mouth fell open. “Toxic?” I repeated, my voice turning a little shrill. How dare he? He just didn’t understand. “Toxic?”

“Yes, toxic,” he replied. “On the outside it’s endearing but if others spent as much time as I have watching you in this friendship they’d agree with me and think that it’s toxic as well.”

“That’s just your opinion.”

“It’s an observation,” he corrected me. “I’m telling you, you need your distance from each other. Your friendship is like a yo-yo and I can’t watch it go on. You’ll thank me for this.”

He didn’t get it at all. Our friendship was messed up right now but it wasn’t a…yo-yo. How did he…? “JC,” I said slowly as I tried to piece my thoughts together. “What makes you say–“

“Look, I have to go. I’d really like my two hours of sleep back, okay? Have fun in…Paris is where you’re at today, right?” JC asked.

“Wait, no! JC! Joshua Scott, you better not—“ I yelled into the phone.

“Goodnight or morning in your case.”

Before I could even utter another word the dial tone reached my ear. Angrily I jabbed my thumbnail into the end button and tossed my phone onto the pillows. He basically confirmed my suspicions. Bobbie had to be the one who wrote that e-mail to keep me from going back to their tour. She just had to. Huh, she was going to get an earful from me once I got back.

“Sweetie, hurry and get changed, we’re going to be at the hotel in about ten minutes,” Abbey said as she stuck her head in the doorway.

“Okay, thanks,” I mumbled absentmindedly, digging through my clothes again. Maybe this recording session would do me some good.

“Last I checked this recording session was for us, not for her,” I sighed while holding two playing cards in my hands and held them out to the house I was trying to build. My hands shook while I tried to place it on top. I lightly stuck my tongue out between my lips, as if it were to help my concentration, and gently put them down on top. I quickly withdrew my hand and smiled at the castle that was still standing despite how much I was shaking it.

“She’s just trying to get used to the recording studio and everything,” Liam told me while spinning around in her swivel chair. I could tell by his tone that he was starting to get annoyed. I didn’t blame him. We’ve been here since twelve and it was four and Nick and I still haven’t gotten our recording time in.

“Liam we could’ve been done with the song by now if we got started when we were supposed to,” I pointed out, picking up more cards. “Besides, she’s not that–hey!”

“Oops,” Nick said with a grin. I tried to glare at him from across the small table that I had been sitting near but I couldn’t with that smile on his face. You and Nick are just friends, he has a girlfriend, I told myself while gathering up the cards again. “It was an accident.”

“Yeah, sure,” I muttered, not believing him at all.

“I’ll help you make a new one,” he offered. “We do have the time after all,” he added, tilting his head in the direction of the recording booth. I bit my lip to keep from laughing out loud.

Mandy was taking her sweet ol’ time with this one song, and it was only testing out her voice from a demo. How she got a recording contract is beyond me. Her voice was decent, she wasn’t tone deaf but it could be better. Everyone needs a little work, no matter how good they think they are. For the past couple of days she’s been boasting to anyone who would hear her that she got a recording contract and it’s good to finally see that she’s not impervious to having to do vocal lessons.

“A little too much time if you ask me,” I stated, flipping the cards over. I was a little OCD about stacking cards with the faces facing each other or the backs facing each other, it drove me crazy. “Have you heard the song yet?”

“What? Our song?” Nick asked, looking at me. I had to tear my eyes away from him. The way he said ‘our song’…geeze! I swear God is putting me through some cruel test.

As Lou asked Nick and I put the effort into being seen ‘together’ even though we weren’t together. But, the longer we acted the more I wished it wasn’t an act. I liked how I felt when I was around him. I liked how easy it was for him to make me laugh and smile and basically turn my day around. And it sucked that I couldn’t call him my…’more than a friend’ friend. I did listen to the warnings my friends gave me, the most that I shouldn’t rush but I couldn’t ignore how I felt about him and, sometimes, I swore he felt the same way. It was just too confusing.

“Yeah, “Beautiful Lie”.”

“I think it’s great. I like the lyrics; I just can’t wait to hear the music along with it, y’know?” He asked, concentrating on making his own card pile.

“Yeah. I feel like it’d be a slower song. Not exactly a ballad but—“ I started.

“—It’d have a beat behind it,” he finished my sentence. “I was thinking the same thing.” He wrinkled his nose  a little bit while stacking some cards on top of each other.

“How’s Aaron doing?” I asked, turning my attention back to my castle.

“Still sick,” Nick sighed. “You should see him, he looks awful. We think it’s the flu.”

“Poor Aaron,” I sighed. “Good think we have a day off so he can try and get some rest. It’ll help him feel better faster. I’ll check on him later if he’d like. I know some tricks that help me feel better when I’m sick. I’m sure it’d work on him as well.”

“Thanks. You know the kid loves you. Can’t stop talking about you on a good day,” Nick told me with a peculiar sort of smile.

I gave a half smile as my cheeks warmed and, at the moment, wished that Liam wasn’t in the room. Not that he was paying that close attention to us but with the way he was sitting so stiffly in his chair I could tell he was listening. “Well, that’s good because I love spending time with him,” I finally replied, reaching forward to get another card.

As soon as I had the card in my hand it was enclosed by a larger, warmer one. A jolt of electricity shot up my arm and I forced myself to look up at him. “What about me?” He questioned.

I pulled my hand away and tried to create another tier on my castle but my hands were shaking too much. “What about you?” I asked, managing to keep my voice from shaking as much as my hands were.

“Don’t you like spending time with me?”

Red alert! You’re entering dangerous territory! Abort! ABORT! My mind screamed at me. How do I respond to that? How the fuck do I respond to that? Especially when his girlfriend’s in the other fucking room!

“Let me put it this way, if I didn’t like spending time with you you’d know it,” I said slowly, carefully piecing together my words. “Besides, it’d ruin Johnny’s plan if we didn’t like each other considering we have to pretend to be so close.”

Nick’s mouth twisted to the side. “Well, I do feel close to you, though. I mean, I tell you things that I haven’t even told…”

“Your girlfriend?” I asked, lifting my eyebrows. He pressed his lips together and moved his gaze back to what looked more like a card hut than a house.

Silence filled the room as the feeling of awkwardness settled in as well. The only sound in the room was the random start and stop of a pop song that Mandy was singing along to. “You know…” Nick spoke so suddenly I almost peed my pants. “She’s not really my girlfriend anymore.”

“That’s nice…or bad, depending on how you look at it.” Really, what else was I going to say?

“So, um, do you think—“

“Oh my gosh, Nicky, recording is so much fun!” Mandy gushed as soon as she burst into the room. She basically flung herself at Nick and threw her arms around his neck. In the process she bumped against the table.

“Hey! I worked hard on that!” I cried out when my castle of cards fell down again.

Mandy lifted her eyebrows. “If you feel that a castle of cards is your big accomplishment in life then you should reevaluate it.”

I had hardly even uttered a word when Liam grabbed my upper arm and pulled me to my feet only to then pull me out of the room. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” I told him.

“Really?” he asked, clearly not believing me.

“Welllll.”

“See? It’s your turn to record,” he told me as I quickened my pace to keep up with him. “Look, if you want to get even with her or show her where you stand, do it in the recording studio, okay? Not with your fists, use your voice.”

I paused in the doorway and looked him in the eye. “You have to stop eavesdropping,” I told him.

“It’s not eavesdropping when I’m in the same room and I’m begin hit by your love rays,” he responded. Then he grasped my shoulders, turned me around, and shoved me into the recording booth.