March 17th, 1998
Dublin, Ireland

My heart rated increased as little beads of sweat dripped down my forehead. My fingers twitched at my sides and I blocked out every sound that reached my ears. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. A pin drop could be heard in the room, it was so silent. I took a deep breath and concentrated at the task at hand. It would be over soon. The movements came naturally to me while I kept my eyes on one person, as if waiting to take him down with just the look in my eyes. I kept my face blank and managed little smiles every now and then when I felt I was getting my moves right.

“Ha!” I cheered as the little white ball went bouncing off of the green table and onto the floor. “I win again! That makes me the Queen of Ping-Pong!” I announced, putting the paddle onto the little table and cracking my knuckles. “I won, you lose. Time to pay the piper, McLean.”

“Don’t be too rough,” he sighed in defeat, putting down his ping-pong paddle. He walked over to me and turned around. I swung my paddle back and hit him on the ass as hard as I could. He let out a shriek and jumped forward as the people around us laughed.

“Anyone else want to play?” I asked eagerly, turning around.

“No thanks, my butt’s still sore from earlier,” Howie groaned from where he was on the couch.

“Aw, y’all’re a bunch of sore losers,” I said putting my paddle down. “No pun intended,” I added with a grin. “Whoa, no running,” I called to Aaron as he sprinted by me. He just grinned and stuck his tongue out at me, successfully completing a few cartwheels in a row. “Ok, fine, ignore me, everyone else does anyway,” I said in his general direction. I skipped across the room and sat in between Brian and Nick on the couch. “Who ya talkin’ to?” I asked while poking Brian in the side.

“Leiaghnne,” he replied and waved me away. I stuck my tongue out at the back of his head then turned to see what Nick was doing.

“What’re you playing?” I asked him, leaning over his arm to see the Gameboy screen.

“Pokémon Red,” Nick replied without taking his eyes off the screen but he lowered the Gameboy. “I’m going against Misty and—“

“Are you nuts!?” I cried out once I noticed the Pokémon he was using. “You can’t use Charmander against Misty! She has water Pokémon! Charmander will die in one hit! Switch him out!”

“It’s the last one I have,” Nick grumbled.

“Why?”

“He’s at a higher level than the others.”

“Why?”

“Because the other Pokemon I caught stated at level two and it took forever to get up to whatever level Charmander was at and they kept freaking fainting!”

“What are you two even going on about?” Kevin asked, looking at us from across the room. He was sitting on the floor of the large conference room that had been turned into our ‘play room’ while we waited for the time to pass. He had a lot of papers and binders surrounding him and a pencil was resting behind his ear.

“Pokemon,” Nick and I replied in unison.

“What’s that?”

“It’s basically a game where you catch, train, and raise monster that fit into a ball so you can take them with you around the world,” I explained as simply as possible. “It’s a lot of fun, really.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Kevin replied.

Just then the door opened and I craned my neck to see who it was. I let out a little groan when Mandy walked in. She’s only been here for a few hours and she’s like another version of Bobbie, but she’s not afraid to show how much she hates me for no reason in front of Nick.

“Mackenzie, come on,” Aunt Abbey called from the doorway. I slumped down in my seat hoping she wouldn’t see me. I told her about a half hour ago that I would do some of my homework but ducked out so I could actually do something fun after the interviews and stuff. Speaking of which, the camera guy who was hovering around in the corner clicking away at us was starting to put me on edge. “You have,” she looked at her watch, “Forty-five minutes until you get on stage and you still don’t have your makeup or your hair done. And have you even done your vocal warm-ups yet? Come on! Vite-vite!” She said clapping her hands.

“Je viens, je viens,” I groaned, getting off the couch begrudgingly. Abby wrapped her arm around my shoulder as soon as I left the room. “You’re a little uptight today,” I noted as we walked down the hall, flanked on either side by Todd and Eric. “You have to chiiillllll,” I said while giving a hand motion with the word.

“How can you be so relaxed?” She asked.

“Because I’m an excellent multi-tasker,” I replied. “You can do my hair and makeup while I do warm-ups with Gabe on the keyboard. Everything will be fine. You need to relax. Do you want a martini or something? I can get Todd or Eric to get you one.”

She made a grunting sound. “You’re definitely my brother’s daughter. You’re a smart ass as well.”

I smiled proudly as we finally reached my dressing room and sat down in one of the chairs by the large mirror. Not so much about what she said, I’ve been called a smart ass for years and it used to bug me but Momma Lynn instilled “sticks and stones” in my mind so much it didn’t bother me much anymore. It was more that she was I was like my dad. I loved It when people said I was like my mom and dad. It makes me feel that they did something right, even if their marriage failed.

“Doin’ homework, huh?” Gabe asked with a teasing smile as he leaned over the keyboard that was set up in the corner of the room. I started to explain but he held up his hand to stop me. “Don’t give me any excuses, I don’t want to get in trouble with your tutor.”

“Tutor?” I replied as Aunt Abbey held a flatiron to my hair.

He nodded and turned on the keyboard. “Although Nick’s eighteen he isn’t finished with his schoolwork so they brought in a tutor for him to get him finished. You’ll be using the same tutor on tour for about two hours a day. It’s already been scheduled in so don’t try to get out of it.” He pressed a few of his fingers into the keys and then the expression on his face changed. He was ready to get down to business.

I sat as still as possible while waiting for Aunt Abbey to finish up with my hair and makeup and Gabe went through the scales and different exercises with me. I felt like an idiot at first having to warm-up my voice while saying things like “bib” and “goo” like a baby but Gabe knows what he’s doing so I didn’t fight it. Lyric and Codie eventually came in as well and did their warm-ups with us before rushing to the mirror to finish putting on makeup. Sevvie was probably talking to her boyfriend, fiancé, whatever he was now.

“How much time left?” I asked as Aunt Abbey finally put down her makeup tools.

“Twenty minutes,” Lyric replied, running a comb through her hair. “Are you wearing that?” She asked, nodding in the mirror at the reflection of my blue and black plaid button down shirt (with the sleeves rolled up), a white long sleeve shirt, Bermuda jeans, and black sketchers.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I have backup clothes in case something goes wrong. Why? Do you not like it or something?”

“No, but I have an idea,” she replied. “You’re switching from rock to pop, right?” I nodded. “Why not switch your clothes with the change in genre? Do a quick change on stage or something. Something to grab the audience’s attention and hold it. Especially the guys. Make them think you’re actually going to strip on stage or something.”

“She might be onto something,” Gabe said as he rubbed his chin. “How much time?”

“Seventeen minutes.”

“Ok, quick, come here. I think I know how to make it work.”

The seventeen minutes went by faster than I expected. By the time we were to go onstage I was bouncing around, trying to keep my nervous energy down. All of the Backstreet Boys, Todd, Eric, Aunt Abbey, Aaron, and Johnny, who had flown in, gave me hugs and wished me luck.

I stood offstage holding onto Gabe’s and Lyrics’ hands tightly as Johnny walked out, getting ready to introduce us. Gabe was biting his lip so much I was surprised his teeth didn’t go through it. Lyric was standing still for the first time in her life. Sevvie looked like she was going to be sick. Codie’s lips were moving rapidly as if she were in some trance. It’s weird how pressure and excitement could cause people’s demeanor to change so quickly. As soon as Johnny announced my name cheers spread through the audience.

“That’s good, they’re cheering,” Lyric whispered.

“They could just be polite,” I replied

“Yeah, but your song is doing good on the charts here.”

“Doing well,” I corrected her.

“They’re going to love you?”

“What if they tear me limb from limb just to get to the Backstreet Boys instead?”

“Ignore them.”

“What if I forget my songs?”

“You can’t? Your setlist is taped down on the stage by your microphone,” Gabe replied. “And even if you forget, we know which songs are coming next. That’s our job.”

“What if—“

“Well, they’re not going to do anything unless we get our butts out there,” Sevvie replied, giving us all little shoves.

“Yes ma’am,” Gabe said with a little salute and grabbed his guitar.

We walked out onstage right as the lights came up on us. I caught a glimpse of the banner that was behind me, partially used for the audience to know who I was and partially used to cover up the Boys’ stage. The butterfly that hovered about the large M reminded me of the ones that were flapping around in my stomach.

As Gabe started on the intro with the others joining in I yanked my microphone off of the stand and moved it out of my way. I had too much energy to release to use my mic-stand tonight. “What’s up, Dublin, how’re you feeling?” I called as the lights came on. I could only see up to, probably, the fourth row, and that made everything that much easier. It was just like my dance competitions again. I just had to focus on what I was doing and stay in the moment and everything will end up falling into place.

“Thank you, Dublin, you were amazing! Don’t forget to make some noise for Aaron Carter, who’s up next.  Goodnight!” I called into my headmic over the screams. I grasped Gabe’s and Lyrics hands, lifted their arms over my head, and then we all bowed in unison. Flashes went off like crazy in the dark audience as we rushed off stage and the stage hands rushed on to wipe up sweat and get ready for Aaron’s set.

“Is anyone else’s heart beating fast?” Lyric asked, placing a hand over her heart.

“What? I can’t hear you over the echoing screams in my ear,” I joked, sticking my tongue out at her. I pulled my ear monitors out and let them hand over my shoulders while random stage hands pulled the electricity pack out of my back pocket and turned it off, pulling the plug on my in-ears.

“And to think they weren’t responding to you at first,” Gabe said as he ruffled my hair. “See, I told you things would work out.” I lightly shoved him as we made our way back to the dressing room. We thanked everyone that we passed along the way to the dressing room. As soon as I got there a towel was thrown at my face.” Hey, I have to protect the money maker,” I joked as I rubbed my face with the towel. “Ugh, I hate sweating.”

“Well, you picked the wrong professions for that,” Aunt Abbey said as she closed her “makeup center”. “Vous avez été fantastique, comme d'habitude,” she added. Codie and Sevvie snickered as they packed up their bags.

“Merci beaucoup,” I replied. “Are you going to catch the rest of the show?”

She shook her head. “It’s one of the few moments I can get some peace and quiet. I’m going to call the kids and tell them how their favorite cousin did,” she replied. Then she turned stern. “Stay with Kevin and then call me as soon as you leave, OK?”

“Yes Aunt Abbey,” I gave her a quick hug and went around the room, gathering my things, I nearly jumped out of my skin when the door opened with so much force that it slammed into the wall.

“You were amazing,” AJ said as he and the rest of the Boys trickled in.

“Thanks, you can stop sucking up now,” I said with a small smirk. “I’m already on the tour.”

“Were you nervous?” Brian asked while giving me a hug.

“At first, yeah. Especially since the dang audience was as still as a statue. Who knew mentioning your names a few times would help them liven up?”

“I think you’d help bring in more guy fans,” Howie commented. I gave him a look. “I mean that in the best possible way.”

“Oh. I get it now, you guys only brought me along as eye candy for men,” I said with a teasing grin.

“Basically,” Brian replied with an over-exaggerated sigh. I rolled my eyes. “But I do have one question, how’d you manage to do a quick change that fast on stage?”

“Ah,” I said with a grin as I lifted my finger. “Well, when I was on set for Father and Daughter I was told that my character was good at magic. So, one of the tricks I learned was to do a quick change. I learned it a little bit differently than what I used today, though.” They all nodded at different times. “Not to be rude, but you’re going to need to get ready for your own show, so shoo,” I said as I waved my hands.

“Fine, we know when we’re not wanted,” Brian said as he scrunched up his face as if he were about to cry.

“Aww, but I still love you, B,” I said and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“Hey, do we get kisses too?” Kevin asked. “At least me? I’m related to him.” I put a hand on my hip and then pointed towards the door. “OK, OK, we’re going. Oh, if you’re going to watch from backstage you’re going to need this.” He pulled a pass out of his pocket and gave it to me. “If anyone asks just flash that and you’re safe. Oh, and Q is going to be escorting you backstage.”

“OK, tell him I’ll be out in a few,” I told them. They turned to leave but stopped when Nick ran back over to me. I laughed at the enthusiastic smile on his face as he held out his hand. I gave him a high five and his smile got a bit bigger as he ran out of the room, slapping AJ on the arm while yelling “Tag, you’re it!”

As soon as the door closed behind them I dropped into a chair, suddenly exhausted. “Ugh, I feel like I’m under some microscope,” I groaned as they left the room. “I can’t go anywhere without a shadow following me. I know they’re bodyguards and all but I think I’m pretty guarded from any teenie that sneaks backstage.”

“Maybe it’s not them,” Codie said as she folded a shirt and put it into her bag.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” she hesitated and looked at Sevvie. She held up her hands and turned away. “I mean, what if this is one of their doing?” She didn’t have to clarify, I knew who she meant. “I mean, they were kind of overly protected whenever you were with them, within reason, but still. They’re not here, what if they’re just making sure you’re OK?”

“I can handle things on my own; I don’t need Big Brother watching me.” I bit my tongue. ‘Handling things’ was one thing I didn’t know how to do properly and the scars on my wrist proved it. But how could I learn with them constantly catching me before I even fell? It’s like they have me on short puppet strings that were so thick I couldn’t even bend them.

“Are you coming?” Gabe asked as my band gathered by the door.

“Go ahead, I want to check my messages first,” I replied, taking out my phone. I ignored the loud scoff that came from Gabe’s mouth as I turned on my phone. I tapped my fingers against my leg while waiting for my phone to boot up. Geeze, this dang phone is taking forever; I really need a new one. Stupid Nokia. “Finally,” I sighed when the backlight turned on. I cracked a smile. Apparently before I left Justin had changed my background photo to one of us with him kissing me on the cheek. I took a look at the clock and figured it wouldn’t be so bad calling him instead of texting. I mean, it was only about three there, wherever there, was. “Hey Juppy,” I greeted him once he answered the phone.

“Hey!” He practically yelled in my ear. I jerked my phone away at the sudden, loud noise.

“Are you going to be any more excited? I don’t think I can hear out of this ear anymore,” I said dryly while switching my phone to my other ear. “What’s going on? It sounds like you’re being mobbed or something.”

“Yeah, we’re at a signing right now,” he replied. I heard a very high pitched squeal in the background and stifled the urge to laugh out loud.

“Oh, I should go then.”

“No, no. It’s fine.”

“Justin, those kids deserve your undivided attention.”

“It’s fine, really. Here you go, sweetie. So what’s going on? It’s about eight over there, right?”

“Yeah, I just got off stage actually.”

“Really?” I could practically see him perk up in his seat. “Wait, how do you spell that? C-A-R-L-E-E. Right. There you go, honey. So, how was it? How’d you do? I bet you were great, like usual!” I pulled a face. Like usual. It’s as if I’m not allowed to make a mistake every now and then. If I ever do make one he’d probably knock me off the ridiculously tall pedestal he stuck me on.

“I think I finally know what you guys mean when you say you’re on an adrenaline rush after your shows,” I said. “I mean. I felt something like it after competitions but that does not even compare! I don’t think I can fucking blink!”

Justin let out a laugh. In the background I heard Chris and Joey gushing over something, probably a picture one of their fans drew of them. I gotta say, their fans are creatively talented. I’ve seen some of their work and it’s the bomb. “Oh, you’ll get used to that. You’ll get used to the lack of sleep as well but it’ll be worth it in the end. What’re you up to tomorrow?”

“I didn’t get my schedule yet. I’m guessing radio stuff and more pictures, maybe a signing at the mall or something,” I replied. “We’re going to be in Dublin for one more day and then we get a day off and then we go to England. I’ve always wanted to go there. I want to take a picture with one of those Buckingham Palace guards.”

“Try and get one to smile,” Justin said excitedly. “Chris was so close to getting one of those guys to smile when we were there. It’s a lot of fun.”

I laughed softly. “Yeah, I’ll bet. We’re going to be playing in Wembley Stadium, can you believe it? Wembley! Two nights in a row, 75,000 seats!”

“Shit, someone’s in the big leagues now.” He paused and I could hear the others thanking their fans for showing up. I even heard Chris yell into the phone that he said ‘hi’ before a chorus of greetings filtered into my ear. Homesickness landed in my gut and I swallowed to keep it and the sudden wave of tears down. “So, were you nervous?” He asked.

“Not really,” I replied, tugging on some of my hair.

“Don’t lie. I know how you get before shows. You get so hyped up that people think you’ve eaten a boat load of sugar.”

“OK, I was a little nervous,” I replied with an eye roll, even though he couldn’t see it. “But it turned out fine ‘cause the others were nervous too. The audience was stiff as a board at first, they wouldn’t even cheer or anything but by the end I think we won them over and I proved that I’m the real deal. Liam says my radio play went up by nine percent in one night. I guess that’s a good thing.”

“You OK?” Justin asked in the silence.

“Yeah, it’s just…things are kinda weird since I’m not with you guys,” I admitted, letting out a little sigh. I swung myself around in a circle in the swivel chair that was in front of the large, lit up vanity mirror.

“I know, it’s so weird here,” Justin agreed. “Ooh, cookies!”

I smirked at his childish behavior. “Why’s it weird? You don’t have me waking you guys up or making sure you know where you’re going?”

“Exactly.”

“That’s what the planner is for. I spent hours working on it for you guys. Speaking of which, make sure Chris goes to his orthodontist appointment. I think he’ll get his braces off this time.”

“Oh, he’ll love that. So how’re they treating you?”

“Like a queen. I’m not going to lie, it’s kinda getting on my nerves but it’s a change of pace from you guys.”

Justin let out a little gasp. “Hey, we treat you just fine.”

“You treat me like I’m another boy!” I cried out, throwing my free arm into the air. “Case in point, whenever we play a game I’m always the one who ends up injured, if you haven’t noticed.”

“So, what, you want us to treat you like a girl?”

I pulled my phone away from my ear and stared at it as if Justin were standing right in front of me. “I’m not saying to walk on freaking egg shells around me. I mean, it’d be nice to know that you guys remember that I’m a girl, ‘cept Joey, he doesn’t really seem to have a problem with that.”

“Ok, so we’ll throw flower petals at you as soon as you come back.”

I stuck out my tongue. “Too much.”

“Chocloate?”

“You want to pelt chocolate at me?” I laughed.

“Yeah. You like chocolate and it’ll be fun for me.”

“Oh, what-ehver!” I looked up as the lights on the ceiling flashed. Guess it was time for Aaron to go on. “OK, I gotta go. I’m probably going to hit the sack once their show’s over so send me an e-mail or something.”

“Alrighty. Nighty-nighty.”

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” I replied, laughing lightly. “Bye.” I hung up my phone and felt strangely elated, kinda like a balloon filled with helium. Even though I got to talk to him it didn’t make the situation any better.

I wanted him here with me.

The lights danced around the large room. Fireworks shout out of the stage. The fans went nuts! They didn’t stop screaming since the Backstreet Boys popped up on stage! They sang along to every song, shouted out their love for the boys, and threw a lot of items on stage at them. A few even got into a fight over a shirt that AJ had ripped off of himself and threw into the audience. I couldn’t help but laugh at all of the young girls who were fainting over them. This is something that *NSYNC would experience in the next few months, I could feel it in my bones. If BSB were this big than *NSYNC would be competition for these guys, no question.

By the time the show was over and I was grabbed from VIP and ushered to the cars my ears were ringing from how loud all of the fans were. I almost had a small heart attack when someone jumped on my back. I thought it was one of their crazy fans until I heard the laugh.

“Aaron! Don’t do that!” I said as he hooked his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist. “I thought you were a fan.”

Aaron merely laughed. “So, what’d you think of the show?”

“It was great, really entertaining,” I replied, hooking my arms under his knees and carried him away from the stage. “I like how they all had solo songs.”

“I’m not talking about them! I’m talking about me! I’m more important than Nick,” Aaron replied.

I laughed. “Yeah. That’s so true. Just don’t go telling him I told you that,” I teased. “I thought you were cute as a button. I really like the “Shake It” song, it’s pretty fun. You got everyone in the audience to do it with you too.”

“You should come on stage and do it with me!” He said happily. “That would make it even more fun!”

“Aaron Carter, get off of her this instant!” Jane’s sharp voice cut through the hall. I turned to see her walking with a lot of security people, my band, and the Boys who were wiping their faces with towels.

“Oh, it’s alright Mrs. Carter, he wasn’t bothering me,” I told her even as I let him down. “Great show, guys,” I said with an enthusiastic thumbs up. “You had all those little teenies in a tizzy. I think that’s a success.”

They all let out small chuckles. I could tell by their lack of a response that they were wiped. Nick was even leaning against Jane as if she were the only thing that could hold him up. it was a very cute sight. The level of cuteness was amped up when Aaron ran over to him and gave him a big hug. The cute factor was going to kill me.

“What’s this?” I asked when Liam shoved a piece of paper into my face. I wondered where he disappeared to.

“It’s your itinerary for tomorrow,” he replied as I looked down the list. Radio stuff took up most of the day and he gave me some time to go sightseeing. I couldn’t wait to see the castles and stuff. Hope I’m not too buzzed by then. “Make sure you get some sleep tonight.”

I laughed. “I’m surprised I’m still awake, I’m dead tired.”

“OK, let’s go back to the hotel,” he said with an understanding smile as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “You did really well tonight, Kid. I stuck around after your set to try and gauge their reactions and for the most part they enjoyed it.”

“And the others?”

“They wanted you to get off the stage so they could see the Backstreet Boys.”

I snorted. At least they were honest. We gathered our things and went out a back way to the vans that were waiting for us. Aaron, Jane, Nick, and Brian took one van while Howie, Kevin, AJ, and I took the other. Liam and my band were going to stick around a bit longer to make sure everything got put up the right way. Bless them. They were making this way too easy for me (not that I’m complaining).

Finally we got back to the hotel. After asking Kevin to wakeme up tomorrow I took a separate elevator to my floor. I was so tired I couldn’t figure out which side of the key card went into the slot. It took me about seven tries until I actually got it to work.

“How’re you still functioning?” I asked Aunt Abbey as I dropped my bag by my bed and collapsed on top of it.

Aunt Abbey smiled and closed the lid of her laptop. “I’m just making sure the shop hasn’t burned down,” she replied. “You know how the girls get.”

Yeah, Aunt Abbey’s co-workers were a colorful bunch, and I’m not just referring to their hair. “I’m going to jump in the shower and then go to sleep. Mind if I check my e-mail?”

“Go ahead,” she replied, getting off her bed. “I’m going to see if the bar is still open.” I lifted an eyebrow. “What? I’m a single mother who is still in my prime in a different country. I deserve this.”

“Good luck man hunting,” I said as I gathered my pjs and entered the bathroom. My aunt, what a piece of work. “Bonne nuit,” I called after her.

“Same to you,” she replied with a wink and left the room.

I jumped into the shower and turned on the warm water. The water realized my tired muscles but the steam made me even more tired than I was before. When I felt like I was going to collapse in the shower from exhaustion I got out and changed into a pair of shorts a t-shirt with the Canadian flag on it. I grabbed Aunt Abbey’s laptop and fought to keep my eyes open while it powered up and AOL loaded. I smiled a little when I heard the voice telling me that I had mail. I quickly scanned the list: one from Mom, one from Dad, one from Uncle Ashton, one from Justin, and one from Lance.

I started from the top and read the messages. Mom’s talked about a new movie offer; this time chronicling the ups and downs of a pregnant teenager, as well as ideas of what kind of flowers to have at her wedding. Dad’s e-mail talked about his treatments and how he the chemo left him feeling good on a few days and bad on others and that he could schedule shop time around his good/bad days. Uncle Ashton’s was basically saying what my cousins were up to. I settled back against my pillows and opened Justin’s e-mail.

Hey Mack,

Happy first day of tour! How was your day? You have to tell us everything. How’s Ireland? Is it as green as they say? Our day was so packed! Everywhere we went fans were waiting for us. Some of them even backed us cupcakes but we had to get them “screened”. You never know what those fans could get up to. The show tonight was great. I think one of our better nights. The crowd was crazy and the energy levels seemed to be higher than usual. I can’t explain it, the night just felt really special. Maybe because it’s a few days until our album release. We’re so pumped about it, it’s crazy. Even JC can’t sleep but I think it’s more about worry than excitement. I think he’s worried that we won’t do well here but I’m keeping my fingers crossed and my prayers going. Hope you’re having a good time over there, but not too good of a time. We want you back as soon as possible! Call or text or e-mail whenever you can.

Love ya lots!

Justin

I closed his e-mail and then went to open Lance’s. The time stamp showed that he sent the e-mail about a half hour after Justin did. I yawned and rubbed my eyes, blinking rapidly to make sure I could see straight and then looked at the screen.

Hey, your aunt told me about your show. We’re super proud of you, you have no idea. Me especially (although I’m sure the others would disagree). It’s like watching baby sister grow up and take her first few steps on her own. Unfortunately, I have to tell you things will get tough and you will get stressed. Don’t forget we’re always here for you.

Sweet dreams,

Lance

Awww, I missed them so much. I closed the laptop and gently set it on the floor. I climbed under the covers and, as I leaned over to turn off the bedside lamp, a strange weight-like feeling pressed down on my chest. I placed my hand near my collarbone and rubbed the area, as if that were actually going to help but the feeling got worse. It felt like something, a rock maybe, were stuck there underneath my collar bone. My breaths started coming out short, as if a valve had slammed shut and now no air could get in or out.

My head started to pound from the lack of oxygen as I tried to reach my inhaler. It felt like an invisible pillow was being pushed onto my face. Oh my gosh, was I dying? I didn’t think the time that I’d leave the Earth that I’d be in a hotel in some foreign country. OK, OK, calm down. I forced myself to try and relax. Of course that’s hard when God’s invisible hand as a vice grip on your throat. Is this my punishment for not taking my parent’s divorce well?

I squeezed my eyes shut and struggled to get a breath as the weight pressed down harder when suddenly…it was gone. I took in a gasp of air and let it out quickly, taking in another breath. I pressed my hand against my chest to feel my heartbeat change from its quick pace to a slow and steady beat. I could feel myself trembling as I reached for the room’s phone and dialed a number.

“Room service,” a voice said on the end, the Irish accent very thick.

“Hi, yes, um, could you please bring up five pillows and a nightlight to room 431?” I said as I rested my head on my palm which was propped up by my elbow. God, even my voice is shaking.

“Will that be all, Miss?” the man asked.

“Yes, that’ll be all. Thank you.” I hung up the phone and let out a long breath. I just needed some sleep and I’ll be fine, I reached over the edge of the bed and cuddled Lance’s Taz pillow to my chest.