March 17th, 1998
Dublin, Ireland

I groaned when the phone next to my head rang again. I reached my hand out from beneath the covers and fumbled for the phone. Forcing my eyes open, I rested my weight on my elbow and used my free hand to pull my bangs out of my face.

“H’llo?” I slurred, letting out a yawn.

“Good morning, Sleepyhead. How’d you sleep?”

I stuck my tongue out at Kevin’s chipper voice even though he couldn’t see me. “I’ve been sleeping since we got to the hotel last night…or was it this morning? I can’t tell time right now,” I replied, rolling onto my back and rubbing at my eyes. “What time is it?”

“Ten ‘til twelve, which is why I called. We need to be down in the lobby by quarter to one so we can start our sound checks,” he replied.

“Meet in the lobby at 12:45, got it,” I said and yawned. “Hey, is it ok if my ears are still ringing?” I asked, sticking my finger in my free ear and shaking it around. “I knew your fans were loud but not that loud.”

He laughed softly. “You get used to it. Did you eat yet?”

“Kev…I just woke up. I’m going to hop in the shower and order room service and meet you guys down there.” I let out another loud yawn.

“Welcome to tour life,” he chirped.

“Yeah yeah,” I mumbled and hung up the phone. I lie back down on the hotel bed and let out a long breath. “Zut alors,” I mumbled. “It’s going to be hard getting used to this routine.”

I managed to forced myself out of bed and went in search for clothes that fit my mood. It was really cold in Ireland and one thing I don’t do is cold. I can’t stand being cold. But it gave me a good excuse for stealing, er, borrowing a bunch of their sweatshirts. I’m sure they wouldn’t miss them.

I finally decided on what I was going to wear for the day and dashed into the shower. I sighed in ecstasy when I felt gooseflesh rise on my arms as soon as the warm water touched my skin. I stood under the shower and let the water run down my head.

I still couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that I’d actually be performing for the first time tonight. In front of a large group of people too. Johnny said they bring in somewhere between 20,000 and 35,000 attendees per night. A shiver rolled down my spine at the mere thought of the number. That many people would be watching my every move and demanding that the Backstreet Boys show up. What If they don’t like me? What if they boo me or throw things at me? I shook my head and pushed the thoughts out. I was sure to make myself sick with worry if I didn’t stop.

I grabbed the soap and took my time washing myself, thankful that it didn’t take me long to get ready to go out. I had enough time to shampoo my hair, which instantly lifted my mood and woke me up. There was nothing like the feeling of clean hair that could lift a woman’s spirits so fast. Well, a mani-pedi session was a close second but I could never sit still long enough for those. It also doesn’t help matters that I’m ridiculously ticklish on my feet.

I stepped out of the shower into the thick humid air of the bathroom and wrapped myself up in a thick, fluffy towel. These hotel people really know how to make their customers happy. Well, in all honesty, that didn’t really make a difference. Unfortunately, I’m very easily pleased. I could get a horrible side of a deal but be happy with it as long as you offered something that I liked to eat or a service that I like to do. It’s no wonder Trace was able to trick me so often over the years.

I quickly pulled on my clothes and took my time blow drying and flat ironing my hair. I took another look at my outfit for the day and deemed it O.K. I went back into the room and grabbed my backpack. I stuffed it with my dance shoes a couple of books, and a package of Oreos. I grabbed the card key and doubled checked the room to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind before leaving.

I took the elevator down to the lobby and saw Kevin waiting with Howie and my aunt. “What time did you get up? If your things weren’t all over the floor I wouldn’t have known that you were in the room at all,” I said as I walked over to Abbey.

“Pretty early, I had to check on the twins,” she replied. “They’re adjusting well. They like spending time with their Uncle Ashton.”

I quickly caught onto the worry that was in her voice. “He’s not going to make them turn on your, you’re still my favorite sibling of my dad’s, no matter how much Uncle Ashton spoils me,” I told her.

“Yeah? How much does he spoil ya? I could do the same, ya know.”

“Yes, but Dad wouldn’t trust you nearly as much as he does now if you spoiled me, would he?” I replied.

“Fair point,” she replied. “Can you believe the reception at the airport last night?”

“Oh man! It took forever for my ears to stop ringing,” I replied with a small laugh.

You’d think when we arrived at the airport last night that it’d be an easy trip to get to the cars that would take us to the hotel. There were about five hundred people there waiting to scream their heads off when they got a small glimpse of the Backstreet Boys. The noise was so loud and sudden that it almost gave me a heart attack on the spot.

I was afraid that most of them would attack me just for being near them. If *NSYNC’s fans were any sign of how crazy they were, then the Backstreet Boys’ fans were sure to be 100% nuts. Things went well for the most part, with Todd and Eric by my side it was easy to usher me through the crowd. It was like the parting of the Red Sea with those huge guys moving in front of me. They protected me as best as they could but I still got a few hands grabbing onto my hair. Otherwise I managed to get out in one piece. We were moving so fast, I wanted to get to the cars to get warm. Ireland is cold in March, despite how sunny it is.

“God, what is taking so long?” I groaned.

“Nick and Brian are notoriously late,” Howie explained with a kind smile. “It’s because they stay up late playing video games. I’m sure they’ll be down soon.”

At least now it gave me time to call people. As I took out my phone I quickly calculated the time difference in my head. The guys are in New York taping a segment on Ricki Lake so I know they must be stoked. Joey loves going to New York. I waved to AJ who had come out of the elevator as someone picked up the phone.

“Hey Mack! What’s going on?” Justin asked over the noise in the background.

“Nothing much. I just woke up and we’re waiting to head over to the venue to do soundcheck,” I replied, kicking at the ground.

“Your first real soundcheck,” Justin said, pretending to cry. “Where has the time gone? It’s like it was just yesterday you were watching us big kids.”

“Big kids, nothing! Don’t start that with me. It’s hard enough calling my mom. All she does is cry. She’s probably driving Mike crazy with her tears,” I said with a small roll of my eyes. “What’re you guys doing today? Just the taping?”

“No, we have a lot of radio stuff we’re going to do. And rehearse and the usual,” he replied.

“I hope Darren’s working you guys out.”

“I think he took a page out of your book. He’s hounding Lance.”

“Hey, I’m supportive of you all,” I grumbled. I heard Abbey call my name and turned to look at her.

“Come on, the cars are here,” she told me.

“OK, I’m coming,” I replied. “Hey J, I gotta go. I’ll call you back whenever I’m free. I want to know how you guys do, OK?”

“OK. Have fun and try not to beat yourself up if something goes wrong.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Later.” I hung up my phone and followed Abbey out of the hotel and to the cars. It was a brighter day than I expected. “I think the sun burned my retinas,” I told Abbey, waving my hands in front of my face while I blinked rapidly to try and adjust my eyes.

“That should be the least of your problems,” she replied.

“Why, what makes you say that?”I asked. Before she could answer I heard someone yelling my name.  I didn’t even get a chance to turn around when I was flipped upside down and carried over Todd’s shoulder. He practically threw me into the car next to AJ and squeezed in next to me. “What was that about?” I demanded, checking myself for bumps or bruises.

“Fans,” AJ replied. “They camped out all night. They usually do. Or they sit in the lobby like statues and start laughing like a pack of hyenas. Sometimes they’ll try to get into your room. They’re very sneaky and clever, I’ll give them that, but they’re scary at the same time.” He looked around the car as it pulled away as if double checking that the car was clear before lowering his sunglasses to the tip of his nose. “Nick actually has a stalker, so to speak. Her name’s Sammi she’s, like, thirteen I think. She has a massive crush on him and thinks she has a chance with him. She’s tried everything in the book to get close to him. She’s even tried using her ‘love’ for guy sports and guy things to strike up a conversation with him.” He rolled his eyes.

“She sounds like a pain in the ass,” I commented.

He snickered. “Just wait until she finds out you’re opening for us. She’ll probably try to poison you.”

“I hope you’re joking.”

“Our fans are crazy but our haters are psycho,” he replied with a shrug. “It’s why we have our bodyguards around. Don’t worry, with those guys,” he nodded at my bodyguards who sat in the front seat of the van with Abbey, talking about the scenery, “You’ll be perfectly safe and we’ll be looking out for you too.”

“Great, I thought I had to deal with being booed now I have to worry about my life,” I grumbled.

“It’s just something you gotta deal with. You’ll get used to it.”

“Yipeee,” I cheered without enthusiasm and then turned to look out the window.  Now I know why they call Ireland the Emerald Isle. This place was beautiful. The tall buildings reminded me of castles. The green countryside was a perfect backdrop in the background. The colors in Ireland seemed to be bright and popped out in contrast to everything back home.

The entire ride I took a bunch of pictures. Hanging out the van window wasn’t smart but the shots were great. I was surprised I didn’t draw attention to myself. Supposedly I was poised to be the next big thing here, which was something I still couldn’t wrap my head around, if I ever could.

-------

“AJ, baby, you’re missing a step,” Fatima told him. Her loud voice boomed in the large venue and seemed to carry out and fill into every single space of the place. She pushed her long braided hair out of her face and over her shoulders before bringing her microphone back up to her lips as soon as the song cut out. “You’re coming into the…human...peacock too early,” she explained. I clapped my hands over my mouth to keep from laughing while she worked with them through their opening number, “That’s the Way I Like It”.

As soon as we reached the venue the guys got started on their soundcheck as I took a look around. I found Gabe and the others in one of the backrooms huddled around his Gameboy playing a Pokémon game. I know it’s only been a few hours since I’ve last seen them but I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders as soon as I saw them. I knew with them around that I could get through my first night and that I wasn’t going through things alone.

Almost as soon as I saw them they ran out to try and find something to eat so I joined Fatima in watching the boys rehearse and giving my critiques here and there. I paid more attention to the group as a whole to make sure they were moving in unison as much as possible while she was paying more attention to the detail and the footwork and made sure they hit each move hard.

“Brian, when you’re on top of the riser you have to watch your footing. You’re getting a bit too close to the edge and we don’t want a broken Backstreet Boy,” I told him. He then grinned and pretended to trip over his own feet, stumbling into the others, effectively causing Nick to crack up.

“Why are boys so easy to get off topic?” I groaned, turning to Fatima.

“They have short attention spans. They’re like puppies,” Fatima replied. “We’ve been here for an hour and we aren’t even close to finishing the first song. Usually they’re not this unfocused. Kevin usually gets them in line.”

“I guess the excitement has gotten to them,” I suggested.

“Why aren’t you bouncing around with excitement?” She asked me, ignoring the little moshpit-like shoving that was going around onstage.

“Give me a couple of hours and I won’t be able to stop talking,” I replied with a laugh.

Fatima chuckled and turned back to the boys while stage hands, set builders, and lighting people rushed around in the background. It was like everything in the venue was on the move. With a few sharp clap of her hands they were looking at her and waiting for her instruction. I lifted my eyebrows at how fast they got into order. “Ok, we’re going to take it from AJ’s line, where it goes ‘Gotta listen to the grove’, that one. I want to see if you guys have those moves tight. Got it?” They nodded and adjusted their headmics, getting into position. “Got it?” She added, looking at the band, holding both thumbs up. She nodded when she got their thumbs up in return. I was amazed at how fast she could get order. I was usually past irked and on my way to aggravated by this point. Fatima knew how to stay cool under pressure.

Suddenly I felt like a little kid next to her. She knew how to get what she wanted out of them and she hardly had to raise her voice. They knew to listen to her and they knew when they needed to get down to business. She had an air around her that commanded respect. That’s what I wanted so badly but I didn’t know how to get it. I don’t know how she could stay so patience despite being under a lot of pressure. I don’t know how she didn’t crack from the stress. I don’t know how she’s strong and it made me respect her even more.

She’s who I wanted to be. Well, I wanted to be like another Paula Abdul, but Fatima was the one I could look up to. She already felt like a big sister to me and she was an amazing woman. I wish I could half live up to her.

By the time they reached the end of their rehearsal a lot of the workers had stopped to watch them go through their “Get Down/We’ve Got it Goin’ On” medly. A few of them were bobbig their heads to the beat and some of the female workers were actually dancing along to the music. It was like a big party that only amped up my excitement for the night.

“Aaron’s going to do his soundcheck next, and then you,” Fatima told me as we walked down one of the confusing hallways to get to wherever our lunch was held. “Aaron’s soundchecks don’t usually last that long—it’s hard to keep his attention sometimes—so you’ll have enough time with your band to flush everything out and get your set perfect.”

“Great. I’m sure they can’t wait to play. Heck, I’m ready for this first night to be over with so the routine will finally be settled into my brain.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” she laughed. “You go on ahead, I’m going to have a little talk with Liam and I’ll be back to work with you on your set.”

“Be gentle,” I said with a grin. She laughed and walked off. As soon as I set foot in the makeshift dining room Aunt Abbey was by my side, a bag of McDonald’s was in her hand. “Yes! The good stuff!” I cheered, pulling out a bacon cheeseburger.

“Also Charlotte, Philippe, and Justin called,” she said as I took a bite of my burger. “And Liam wants to take a look at what you were thinking of wearing as your costume tonight seeing as you still haven’t made a decision. Once you’re finished with that you need to tell me so I have an idea of how to do your makeup. Oh, and after your soundcheck you have a few interviews lined up and a photographer is going to come and take pictures of your first show.”

“It’s a good thing I brought you with me, I can already feel my brain exploding from just hearing that,” I told her.

I jumped when the door of the dining room burst open. Gabe and the rest of my band came in, talking loudly. Gabe was carrying a blond haired boy on his back. One look at him and I could automatically tell he was Nick’s little brother, Aaron. He had the Carter blond hair as well as the face. Todd and Eric came in behind them, nodding at me. They were like my own version of the secret service. It was cool but their hovering was unnerving.

“I totally beat you guys!” Aaron was saying as Gabe let him down onto the ground.

“Yeah right, Little Man, we let you win,” Gabe replied with a roll of his eyes.

“No, I won fair and square!” Aaron protested, lightly punching Gabe’s outstretched palms, laughing all the while.

“Isn’t he cute?” Lyric gushed, lightly bumping her hip against mine in greeting.

“Lyr…he’s ten…you’re nineteen…that’s, like, against the law,” Codie pointed out, waving a ketchup covered fry around before sticking it in her mouth and chewing.

“But he’s adorable! Look at him!”

“You also think octopuses are adorable,” Sevvie said from the corner of the room where she was dabbing a tissue at her mascara.

“They are!” She replied. “With their eight little tentacles and they way they move. It’s so cute.”

“Until it’s giving you a hug and you die.”

“I worry about her sometimes,” I muttered to Aunt Abbey who chuckled and used a hand to hide her mouth.

“Just remember she’s a really good bass player,” she told me, her eyes crinkled in the corners from smiling.

“Hey! You’re that girl Nick told me about,” Aaron said, suddenly appearing by my side. His long blond hair was parted down the middle and pulled off to the side of his face. However, he was moving around so much it kept falling into his eyes so he had to use his hands to push them out of the way. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid with so much energy before. “Mack, right?” He continued talking before I could even nod. “I’m Aaron, Nick’s brother. He talks about you a lot. Says you’re a really good dancer. And you ride horses too! Angel says she wants to ride a horse and that you’re going to teach her. Will you teach me too?”

“Um, sure,” I replied. His smile, if possible, got even bigger. “You’re not here by yourself are you?”

“No, my mom flew out,” Aaron replied. “She’s my manager. It’s great because I can see my mom all of the time. I miss my family a lot while I’m on the road.”

I gave him a small smile. “Well, at least you’re going on tour with Nick now so you won’t be too lonely.”

He nodded his head rapidly. He reminded me of a bobblehead doll. “I missed Nick the most but it’s great because now I can see him all the time.” Then his eyes lit up. “Do you know where he is?”

“I think he’s playing some basketball with Brian,” I replied. “Near the stage.”

“I’m going to go play with them. See you later.”

Then he darted out of the room. I felt drained by just listening to him but he seemed like a good kid. A little too energetic but what kid wasn’t? I sat down at the table and finished up lunch with my aunt and my band, talking about everything and nothing. Lyric was the most excited about being in Ireland because she’s part Irish. She doesn’t speak a lick of Gaelic but she told stories of her and her cousins visiting this country every year and the trouble they got themselves into. I half listened to her as I texted Justin about what he and the guys were doing. Their album was coming out in the states soon and apparently that put JC into panic mode and he was snapping at everyone.

It even got a reaction out of me just seeing his two damn initials on my phone. Get over him, Mack. He’s not worth the trouble. Especially with his horror story of a girlfriend. I fought the urge to make a face at the mere thought of his damn girlfriend. She’s stayed out of my hair but I couldn’t help but find my thoughts drifting towards what she planned on doing to me the next time she saw me. It was enough to keep me up for part of my long-ass thirteen hour flight.

“Mack!”

“What?” I asked, lifting my head.

“Put the Timberlake Phone down,” Codie chuckled.

“That wasn’t J,” I lied, shoving my phone into my pocket.

“You’ve been glued to that phone since I saw you earlier today, it has to be Justin or else you have a boyfriend you haven’t told us about but I’m 99% sure it’s not the latter.”

“Thanks for the support,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.

“Look, I’m just saying cut the cord now before the leash gets too tight, got it?”

“Look, I’m in Ireland. Some place I’ve always read about but never thought I’d actually go to,” I said as I stood. “I’m dancing and I get to live out a great opportunity that I didn’t think I wanted but now I can’t wait to experience. Things are finally going right in my life and there’s nothing in this world that could make it turn around. Not even J. So please don’t turn my mood around.” Codie lifted her hands as if surrendering. “I’m going to go find Liam, see you out there. Gabe, make sure they get where they’re needed, alright?”

Gabe saluted and stuffed more french fries into his mouth. I cringed at the sight and quickly left the room. Almost as soon as I turned the corner to leave the room I collided with someone. I fell against the wall and leaned against it for support.

“Watch where you’re going!” The tall, blonde woman snapped.

“Why don’t you?” I asked, already feeling my annoyance flare up. “We’re not all giant sequoias.”

“Whatever,” the girl said, rolling her eyes. “Do you know where Nick is?”

I lifted my eyebrow, waiting for her to give more information but she stood her ground and glared at me, as if that would scare me off. “What do you want from him? An autograph or something?”

“Ew, no!” She cried out as if I had offered her a burger filled with snot. “I’m not a fan. Don’t you know who I am?”

Was I supposed to? By the time I came to a conclusion that this was that psycho stalker that AJ was telling me about the girl’s face lit up and she elbowed me out of her way. “Nicly!” She cooed in a voice so sugary sweet I wanted to gag.

“Mandy? What’re you doing here?”

Mandy? Where have I heard that name before? I turned to see ‘Mandy’ throw her arms around Nick’s neck and kiss him flat on the mouth. I felt my heart drop down into my stomach as the girl turned and gave me one of those bitchy looks that I’ve seen thrown my way one too many times by Bobbie.

Nick’s eyes shifted to me, then to Mandy, and back again before he cleared his throat. “Um Mandy, this is Mack. She’s opening for us on tour. Mack, this is my, uh, ex-girlfriend Mandy.”

I don’t know which bugged me more, the smug look she was giving me or the fact that he didn’t call me ‘Dimples’ like he used to.

When will I win, Lord?  When?