March 16th, 1998
Orlando, FL

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena/Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena/Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena/Hey Macarena! (Ay!)

I laughed until tears fell down my face as Joey and I danced crazily to the song, making sure to avoid the many suitcases that were strewn across the floor. We had finally gotten back from the Disney party around eleven. Everyone had come back to our place to continue the party with cake and music. My guys and the Backstreet Boys seemed to continue to bond through the festivities, Nick, Justin, Brian, and Chris ended up in a huge Mario Kart 64 tournament before the Boys had to leave. I guess Justin was trying to make up for them “losing” the BSB vs ‘N Sync basketball game back in Germany.

Mom, Dad, Abbey, my twin baby cousins, and my grandparents showered me with gifts and hugs and a lot of tears. Honestly, I didn’t see the cause for celebration but I went along with it anyway. The Boys left around midnight so I figured it was a good time as any to get them to help me pack up the rest of my stuff. And by ‘the rest’ I mean everything since I hadn’t started packing at all. But, of course, I got a little sidetracked.

“Guys, come on. We have to get finished,” Lance said, even though he was laughing.

“We wouldn’t have to worry about it if Mack actually bothered to pack on time,” JC commented, shoving one of my many pairs of converses into a bag.

I rolled my eyes at Joey who jabbed the off button on the living room stereo. “Sorry for being an inconvenience to you, Gramps. Remind me not to breathe too loud in case that bugs you too.” I stepped over a few piles of clothes to an unusually lumpy suitcase. Grinning, I knelt down next to it. “Hmm, I don’t remember packing this suitcase already,” I mused aloud as giggles came from inside of it. “I wonder what’s in here.” I grabbed the lid and lifted it. “A-ha!” I yelled in David’s and Julie’s faces. They squealed and climbed out of the suitcase, big smiles were on their faces. “I thought I put you two to bed already,” I said as I grabbed them around the waist.

“There’s a bear down the hall,” David giggled in French while squirming, trying to get out of my arms.

“That’s ridiculous; there are no bears in this house,” I replied, quickly switching languages.

“We heard it,” Julie giggled.

“A bear, huh?” I pulled them close and lifted them off of the ground. “That’s not a bear, that’s my daddy. Uncle Philippe sure snores loud, doesn’t he?” I asked while carrying them back upstairs.

“Cousin, why does Uncle Philippe sleep all the time?” David asked as I pushed open the door to the guest room. I put them down and they scrambled over to the twin beds as I turned on the lamp. David latched onto the white stuffed bear with his short, pudgy arms and let out a bit yawn.

“Your Uncle Philippe’s sick. Remember what your mother told you?” I replied and pulled the covers up to his chin. “He has…”

“Cancer,” Julie whispered, squeezing the pink stuffed kitten. “Cousin, what’s cancer?”

“Cancer is basically a fancy way to say that the cells in his body are fighting against him,” I explained, and pulled the covers up to her chin. I gave them each a kiss. “Now, no more getting out of bed,” I ordered while turning off the lamp.

“When’s Mommy coming back?” David asked, his voice really small in the dark room.

I turned the lamp back on. “She hasn’t even left yet but your mom and I will be back in about three months. You’ll stay with Uncle Ashton until then.”

“Don’t forget about us,” Julie yawned. Her eyelashes fluttered as her lids slowly closed over her bright brown eyes.

“Never,” I whispered into the dark room as soon as I turned off the light. “Bonne nuit,” I added and closed the door. I quickly walked down the hall to Dad’s room and listened quietly. He didn’t like sleeping with the door closed so I could hear him tossing and turning. I held my breath and waited for him to make noise. Why isn’t he breathing? I let out a sigh of relief when I heard him take a long breath which quickly switched to a loud snore. I covered my mouth to keep from laughing and went back downstairs. “Sorry about that,” I said as I walked back into the living room.

“Hey, what time’s your flight again?” Lance asked, looking up from a clipboard. The only way they could help me organize my stuff was by separating it by clipboards. Sad but true.

“3 I think,” I replied. “Why?”

“If you want to get some sleep we can finish this for you,” he replied, waving his arms around at the piles of clothes and stuff lying around.

“Well, Ireland’s five hours ahead and it’s a thirteen hour flight. I’m leaving here at 3 AM and we get there at 4 PM Orlando time, 9 PM Ireland time,” I replied, scrunching up my face as I did the quick math in my head. “Which basically means I’ll basically be sleeping a day away. But thanks for the offer, Lancie. ‘Sides, I don’t want Chris or Joey near my unmentionables,” I added, shooting a look in their direction. “Again.”

“It was a misunderstanding,” Chris said with a wave of his hand as if dismissing the conversation.

“Right, ‘cause I imagined you two going through my underwear drawer,” I said while grabbing a shirt and shoving it into my suitcase.

“You did what?” Justin asked, sitting up on the couch, narrowing his eyes at Joey and Chris.

“Chill, Baby J,” Chris said with a roll of his eyes. “We’re not perverts or anything. We were looking for stationary.”

“And you expected to find it in her underwear drawer?” JC asked in confusion.

“Let’s stop talking about my underwear, shall we?” I said and looked around the room. “Lance, you’re taking too long!” I said and grabbed a nearby pile. I shoved it into one of my suitcases and closed the lid. I frowned at the bulge that was in the middle of it. “Hey Chris, I need your ass,” I announced, trying to force the lid down on my suitcase.

“Why don’t you asked Slacker McGee over there to help you?” Chris asked, motioning in Justin’s direction.

“You’re closer,” I replied, although Chris did have a point. Justin was the only one who wasn’t helping. He was just lying down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t even join in on our video game break and he never resisted the opportunity to beat our asses in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. I bit my lip and moved out of the way as Chris took a flying leap and landed on my suitcase. I struggled with the zipper a little bit and finally got it closed. “OK, one down, a billion more to go,” I announced.

“Do you have…hair styling products?” JC asked, looking up from his clipboard.

“Check,” I said, nodding in the direction of my pile of my flatiron, curlers, and things.

“Makeup?”

“Got it.”

Justin made a scoffing sound but I ignored it. “Girl stuff?”

I smiled wickedly. “What exactly is ‘girl stuff’ JC? You have to be specific.”

JC’s lip twitched. “You know what I’m talking about.”

“No, really I don’t,” I said as innocently as possible. “Do you mean…I don’t know…tampons?” I snickered at the guys wining. “Or pads or wipes or cups or napkins or—“

“Yes, that stuff,” JC interrupted me. “Just…make sure you have…that stuff packed.”

“Geeze, you have a girlfriend,” I commented, doing my best to ignore the jab in my chest at the word. “I figured you’d be used to that stuff by now.”

“We men like to go along the philosophy of ‘Ignorance is bliss’,” Joey explained.

“Let’s see how long that works,” I said with a laugh.

“Hey Mack, go and check you room one more time,” Lance said while placing folded clothes into another suitcase.

“Why? I know I got everything,” I replied.

“It’s good to double check, just go.”

“Fine.” I got to my feet and walked over the piles of clothes. At least they were dwindling now. They didn’t seem as daunting as before. “J, do you want to come double check with me?” I tried to keep my voice from making it sound like I was pleading, but I basically was. What was going on with him?

“No, I’m fine here,” he replied, tugging his blue North Carolina hat off of his head and covering his face with it.

“It won’t kill you to walk up a flight of stairs, you haven’t done anything,” JC pointed out.

“It’s not my fault she waited until the last minute,” Justin grumbled.

“A bee sting you where the sun don’t shine?” Joey asked, tying the laces on a pair of shoes together. “Just get up and look!”

Justin let out a long and loud groan, as if getting off of his ass was doing some huge service. I took a deep breath and walked let it out as I walked with him up the stairs, being careful not to wake up my cousins or my dad.

I pushed open my bedroom door and turned on the light. I felt a smile tugging on my lips while looking around the decorated room again. I hated having to leave the place after just getting used to the change.

“I think you have everything packed,” Justin commented, looking around the room. He lightly kicked his feet at the floor.

I could choke on the weird tension in the room. I hated it. We never had awkward moments and it seemed like since the day started we’d trip over them. Even Lynn noticed that something was going on. I’m sure the other guys could tell what it was as well. I tried to ignore it but it got harder as the day went on. I mean, how hard was it for him to say that he was going to miss me? He hadn’t even said it once yet, whereas the others practically burst into tears over the thought of me leaving (OK, that one’s just Chris).

I looked around my room, taking in the stale scent of freshly painted walls. The room felt weird now as I looked around to see how empty it looked. Everything else was still there but…it looked more like a guest room than my room.

“It’s weird, everything being so empty,” I tried.

Justin nodded. “Kinda like you moving out,” he muttered.

“My mom’d be a worse blubbering mess than she is now,” I replied, pushing some of my hair behind my ear.

“So what’s going to happen with those two?” He asked. “With the marriage and all?”

At least he’s talking now. “They’re planning on getting married next summer,” I replied. “They’re thinking June right now but July seems to be better.”

“Have they talked about where yet?” He asked while tugging a loose thread from his shirt.

“Maybe back home but having a summer wedding in Memphis might not be a good idea,” I replied.

Justin cracked a smile. I felt my shoulders relax as if the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. “Is Mike planning on adopting you or anything?”

I frowned. I hadn’t even thought of that as a possibility. “If he does…that means Dad won’t have legal custody over me anymore,” I replied. “I think that’d kill him.” I paused and then gasped at the words that just came out of my mouth.

“Relax, it’s not like you put a nail in his coffin,” Justin said with a roll of his eyes.

“I shouldn’t have said it anyway.”

“He didn’t hear you.”

“It’s the context.”

He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair as if trying to get something out of it. “So…three months,” I said slowly.

“Yup.” He nodded. “Like being away for the summer.”

“But we’re working.”

He shrugged. “It’s fun work.”

“Right.” God, why won’t he say that he’ll miss me? I’ve given him every opportunity!

“Did you pack your camera stuff?” He asked, turning to look out the window and across the dark backyard.

“Yeah, it was the first thing I packed,” I replied, moving over to my dresser. I pulled open the drawers to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. Not that I would have, I’m usually really organized “Couldn’t forget that. Not especially after mom and dad got me that new album.”

“Right.”

 I played with the handle on my dresser and let out a breath, then looked up at Justin, I gave a little smile and said, “Don’t forget to call me, OK?”

He made a scoffing sound and looked at anywhere but at me. “Of course I won’t forget to call you. Geeze, Mack, stop being such a girl.”

I blinked. “What?”

He shrugged. “You’re freaking over nothing. It’s not like I’m going to forget you just ‘cause you’re gone or something.” He had a bit of an edge to his voice, as if he were mad about me insinuating that he would forget about me. But I hadn’t even done anything and that rubbed me the wrong way.

“Why is it that I’m being a ‘girl’ when I just ask that you call me whenever you can?” I asked slowly.

He pulled a face. “I meant nothing by it, don’t be so over dramatic.”

“I’m not being dramatic,” I grumbled.

“Yes you are,” he replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I just asked you a simple question! You’re the one who’s being over dramatic, biting my head off for nothing,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest as well. “You’ve been weird all day.”

He scoffed. “I haven’t been anything. I’m just letting you know that I won’t always be able to get a chance to call you or whatever.”

“So, what, now you’re not even going to try?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

“We’ll both be busy,” he explained. “It’ll be like playing phone tag all of the time. Is there really a point in even trying?”

“So now you don’t want to talk to me?”

“No!” He cried out, grabbing his head as if he were in pain. ”Why’re you acting like this?”

“Why are you?” I shot back.

He didn’t say anything. He just shook his head and turned to walk out the door. “Why’re you running away?” I yelled at his back. He pulled the door shut behind him. It slammed against the frame and I winced at the sound. I whirled around and grabbed Lance’s Taz pillow and screamed into it. The fabric muffled the sound and I instantly felt better. Not by much though ‘cause he still didn’t say it and, instead of spending my last few hours at home with my friends I was fighting with one of them, which sucked majorly.

“Sweetie, are you OK?” Grammaw asked as she knocked on the door and entered the room. She was followed by PopPop. It was kinda creepy looking in their faces and seeing Dad’s face basically looking back at me.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Mémé,” I replied. “By the way, I’m changing your ‘special’ name. Yours and Mamaw’s were too close together.” I looked at PopPop who stayed by the door. “I’m going to call you PéPé from now on, too.” I shook my head. “What was I thinking? I know I was only four, but come on!”

Pépé chuckled as well as Mémé. “You’re just like your father,” she commented. I lifted an eyebrow.

“You always change the subject when you don’t want to talk about something,” Pépé explained, his Canadian accent thick.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I picked up my blue tinted sunglasses and clutched Taz tighter to my chest.  “I mean, I’m going to be away from everything for three months, I won’t have time to talk to my friends, and I can’t bring my dogs with me but that’s not important enough to talk about. It’s very miniscule actually.”

“You got the rambling from our part of the family too,” Mémé added.

“What’s three months? Surely not longer than sixteen years,” Pépé commented.

“What do you mean?”

“I always dreamed that you and your father would stay in Canada with us,” Mémé explained as she smoothed out the wrinkles in her pants and crossed one leg over the other. “C’etait mon espoir. But I knew it would be harder to raise you in Montreal, especially since your mother didn’t have dual citizenship and it was easier for him to move to the US. You lived in Memphis until you were about eleven and then moved here. Were you scared when you left Memphis?”

“No.”

“Was it hard to transition?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “It was fairly easy, except for the meeting new people part. After about two weeks I felt like I was right at home.”

“So what’s three months?” She asked, lifting her eyebrows. “Ma petite fille, you’ve told us time and time again you were doing this to help pay your father’s hospital bills.”

I nodded. “Even with your help and Poppy’s help it wouldn’t be enough so I have to help.”

“So you shouldn’t let a little fight get in your way.”

“I never said I was having second thoughts.”

“Not out loud,” Pépé pointed out.

Mémé ran her fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes at the touch. “You both need to let go. You’ll always be there for each other and I’m sure he’ll be waiting for you to get back. Three months fly by pretty fast. Before you know it you’ll be back and stirring up trouble like you two always do,” she said.

I cracked a smile but it faded almost as soon as it formed. “But will it kill him to say that he’ll miss me?” I asked, lightly hitting Taz against my legs.

“Will it kill you?”

“Ugh, why am I always the wrong one?” I grumbled.

“You’ll be right sooner or later,” she said with a laugh and gave me a hug. Pépé followed suit. “If there is any way you can come by Canada while on this tour—“

“Of course I’ll come over, no need to ask me twice. I miss poutine,” I interrupted her. Mémé threw her head back and laughed, hugged me again, and got up. “And your father will be OK while you’re gone,” she added, as if reading my mind.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because we are Desrosiers and we are strong willed people. We don’t give up without a fight.”

Here we are now
Everything’s about to change
We face tomorrow as we say goodbye to yesterday
A chapter ending but the story’s only just begun
A page is turning for everyone

I smiled and nodded as they left the room. Clutching Taz under one arm and holding my sunglasses in the other I walked over to the window and looked out over the dark backyard. The lights from downstairs illuminated the still water and made it shine like diamonds were placed on top of it. Tearing my eyes away from the sight I took one more look around the room to make sure I didn’t forget anything. My eyes drifted to my desk and I almost laughed out loud at what I had left behind.

Grabbing it, I turned and started to go downstairs but I stopped myself. I quickly went back into my room and grabbed the letter off of my bed. I crept into Dad’s room and left it on top of his dresser, sure that I’d be the first thing he saw the next morning. The chemo was so strong it knocked him out for hours when he was in a lot of pain. Sighing, I left the room and went back downstairs where Chris was jumping up and down on one particularly large suitcase as Joey and JC struggled to zip it shut.

“What’s in there?” I asked while walking to the center of the room.

“All of your shoes,” Joey grunted. “Tell me again why girls need so many pairs of shoes.”

“To go with different outfits, duh,” I replied.

“Did you forget anything?” Lance asked, turning around on the couch to look at me. He had a half smile on his face, as if expecting that he knew I had left something behind.

“Yeah, my passport,” I replied, holding it up to show him.

“I knew you’d forget something,” he said with a smirk.

“How’d you know I forgot something though?”

“Because you always forget something when you’re really sure you didn’t,” he said with a laugh. Then he looked down at the pillow in my hands. “Hey! I was wondering where that went.”

“You let me keep it. Remember when you were going back to Mississippi for school?” I said while jumping over the back couch and landing next to him. I clutched the Taz a bit tighter. “But if you want it back…”

“No, it’s fine, you can keep it.”

“Good!” I grabbed my stuffed husky dog off of the floor and gave it to him. “And you can have Nanookie, to remember me by.”

“You’re not dead,” Lance pointed out while taking the stuffed toy. “But thanks anyway,”

“Hey, why does Lance get a present?” Chris asked, dropping down on the suitcase once more. Joey and JC were finally able to pull the zipper over.

“Because he didn’t give me premature gray hair,” I replied.

“I want a present! I want a present!”

“You’re worse than my cousins,” I groaned. “And they have an excuse. Your present is me not killing you for getting near my underwear.”

“That’s a crappy present,” Chris muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What about me?” Joey asked eagerly.

“Hey, he shouldn’t get anything either. He went through your drawer too,” Chris protested.

Your ‘present’ can be my girl interpretation,” I replied. “Anytime you two are having trouble figuring out Kelly or Dani just talk to me and I can tell you what’s wrong easily.” I smirked and added, “I kind of understand the girl language.”

“Ooh, that’s a good one, mind spreading that one out to all of us?” Lance asked.

“What about me? Let me guess, you’re going to get me a pack of sewing needles, right?” JC asked dryly.

“Give me some dang credit,” I mumbled. “My carry-on is on that chair. Take out the red notebook,” I told him. He looked at the bag and then back at me as if it were to explode on contact. I rolled my eyes and huffed. He reached into the bag and pulled out the notebook.

“What is it?” He asked.

“Open it, dumbass.”

“Mackenzie Charlotte!” I winced when I heard Mom scold from the kitchen.

“Sorry, Mom!” I called back.

JC snickered and opened the notebook. He flipped past a couple of pages before an eyebrow lifted. “Why’re you giving me this?” He asked, finally understanding what it was.

“Because for the past four year’s you’ve continuously complained and whined and bitched and moaned about how you didn’t ‘know me’,” I added finger quotes, “So I figured this’ll finally get you off my back on that topic.” I may sound dismissive but I meant every word I said. JC deserved it, after me being a bitch to him for so many years. The guys, aside from Justin, still didn’t know me that well so I figured, why not? Also, they can’t badger me about what’s written in it to my face while I’m gone so the timing was perfect.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Well, don’t sound so astonished,” I scoffed. “So…what’re you guys doing tomorrow?” I quickly took a look at the clock on the wall. “Well, today, technically.”

“We’re taping Ricki Lake,” Lance replied before anyone could speak up.

“Scoop strikes again,” Chris laughed.

“Is everything all packed? They say we should start loading up the car,” Justin commented while walking into the room. Silence fell over all of us and the guys didn’t move. I was the first one to get up and get my shoes on and start moving bags. They then followed me and picked up the others.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go
Wherever I go

“Mom, stop looking at me like that,” I groaned as I stepped back into the house once more. Her eyes were shiny with tears and she was fanning at her face. “Get a grip, please,” I sighed. “We haven’t even gone to the airport yet.”

“I’m not going to last that long,” she sighed, wiping at her eyes.

“Good thing Momma Lynn’s driving or we’d all be lying in a ditch,” I said. I gave Mom a little bump with my hip to let her know that I was joking while I walked over to my carryon bag. I put my passport and wallet in the front pocket so I could easily get to it once we got to the airport. Then I grabbed the big black sweatshirt that was sitting by it and tugged it over my head. I frowned when I heard Little J’s and Oreo’s whimpers from the laundry room. “Are you sure I can’t bring them with me?” I asked Mom.

“Unless you want to pay extra every time you fly around,” she replied, hugging me again. “Isn’t it a little warm for this sweatshirt?” She asked, tugging at the sleeve.

I ducked under her arm and grabbed my bag and the Taz pillow. “It’s freezing in Ireland, supposedly,” I replied. ”I’m not taking any chances.” It wasn’t a complete lie but I wasn’t going to tell her that the only reason I had it was ‘cause it smelled like Justin and, God forbid, I didn’t want to forget the way he smelled.

“Do you have everything?” Lynn asked as she walked into the house. Despite it being early she still looked fantastic and every curl was in the right place.

I nodded. “Can you wait just a second?” I asked before dashing into the kitchen. Mike had just gotten up from the table and poured the rest of his coffee into the sink. “Don’t you think it’s a little early for that?” I asked.

He smiled and shrugged. “I’m going to have to deal with two kids, I’m going to need that coffee sooner or later.”

I smiled and hugged him around the waist. He hugged me back and dropped a kiss on my forehead. “Now, don’t tell your mother, but I’ve managed to sneak in about four packs of Oreos for you,” Mike said, lowering his voice. “That should last you about…a week.”

“You’re going to fit into this family fine,” I gushed. “It’s like a bodning experience, doing things behind her back.”

He smiled and ruffled my hair.

Mom walked into the kitchen and placed a kiss on Mike’s mouth as soon as I moved away. I did my best not t make a face as they hugged. Then she turned to me. “Let’s go,” she said with a half smile.

~*~*~

So excited I can barely even catch my breath
We have each other to lean on for the road ahead
This happy ending is the start of all our dreams
And I know your heart is with me

“Mack.”

“Hmmm?”

“Mack.”

“Huh?”

“Mack.”

“Whaaaaat?” I groaned, lifting my head from the pillow I had been leaning against. The ride to the airport wasn’t long, roughly twenty minutes, but I was basically knocked out as soon as I got in the van. Joey and Lance were sleeping, Chris and Justin were looking out the window at the dark landscape and JC was smiling at me creepily. “What is it so dang important?” I yawned, rubbing my eyes.

“Listen,” he replied.

I glared at him while straining my ears. “So what? Mom always listens to my CD. That’s not new. She has issues.”

“That’s not a CD, smartass,” JC replied, his beaver-like front teeth seemed to glow from the light of passing cars. It took a few seconds for the words he said to process in my sleep-deprived brain but in the next few seconds I was wide awake.

“Shut up!” I gasped. His smile only got bigger. “Now way,” I whispered. “It’s about damn time!” I cried out. He and Chris started laughing. Joey and Lance were still snoring and Justin didn’t make a sound. I slumped in my seat, crossing my arms over my chest. This was supposed to be the time where we celebrated and got on the others’ nerves for being loud.

This sucked.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go

I twisted the *NSYNC ring on my finger as we pulled up at the airport. Taking a deep breath I unbuckled myself and waited for Justin to get out so I could jump out. I slid my carry-on onto my back while JC and Joey tugged at my suitcases to get them out of the back and Mom and Momma Lynn went over their rapid last minute check-list to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything.

Our large group of people moved through the steps it took to finally get to the waiting area. It took a bit longer than I expected to convince the people working to let my friends and family wait with me in the waiting area, despite not being the ones who were leaving.

The bright lights of the airport hurt my burning eyes as we walked towards the waiting area of the gate. Every few steps Mom took it seemed like her wall was slowly crumbling. She was in full on tears by the time we got to the waiting area and Pépé and Mémé had to hold her to calm her down.

“Hey, we didn’t think you were coming,” Brian said brightly as I dropped down in a seat. He waved at the others who waved and nodded in return, taking random seats around us.

“What do you mean?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Well, I mean,” he dropped his voice as he sat down next to me. “We kinda figured you’d change your mind and stay with them. We wouldn’t have minded if you did, we would’ve understood.”

“Thanks but…they wouldn’t stand in my way even if I asked them to,” I replied. “That’s why I like them.” I yawned and stretched my arms above my head. “So, what’d I miss?”

Brian grinned. “Frack and I managed to get Howie onto the rotating baggage claim while he was sleeping. He made about six passes around before Kevin found out.”

“He must’ve been pissed,” I laughed.

“He was, but AJ was able to calm him down. It wasn’t like we did anything to Howie.”

I smiled. “What airplane are we taking?”

“A private one, that way we can get on and go and not have to worry about a lot of other passengers boarding,” he replied. “Oh, and your band made it safely as well as your bodyguards, they said they’ll pick you up from the airport just to ensure safety.”

I scoffed. “They should be more worried about you, not me.”

“Well, our fans can be crazy, and they go ballistic if we’re near any other girls so…”

“Don’t give me nightmares, Bri.”

“Sorry.”

I looked around the nearly empty terminal and let out a breath. The guys were talking to each other quietly, save for Justin who was listening to music. Most likely Brian McKnight. The Boys were sleeping across a few chairs.

I got up and sat next to Mom, across from Mémé and Pépé. I rested my head on her shoulder and she started rocking me like she used to, humming Au Claire de la Lune under her breath, my favorite lullaby. I closed my eyes and listened to her. Time seemed to fly by and the next thing I knew I was being shaken awake. I looked up at Mom’s face. She didn’t need to say anything, I could tell by the look in her eyes.

“I love you Mom,” I told her and then pressed a CD case into her hand. “It has two songs on it, one I wrote for you and one I wrote for Dad. Listen to ‘em. Please?”

“Of course, sweetie,” Mom replied and hugged me again. “I love you too, so much.” Tears openly fell down her face.

It’s time to show the world we've got something to say
A song to sing out loud we'll never fade away
I know I'll miss you but we'll meet again someday
We'll never fade away

“Momma Lynn, I hope you’re driving her back home,” I said while standing. “I’m worried.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on her once we get back to Memphis,” Lynn said while fanning her eyes as well. I laughed and gave her a big hug.

“Thanks…for everything,” I told her.

Then I hugged Mémé and Pépé. Pépé grabbed my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said with a smile, “À cœur vaillant rien d'impossible.” I nodded and hugged them tight again, then turned to face my friends who were all looking at me.

“Stop looking at me like that,” I said, trying to keep my voice strong but it cracked. I brought my hands up to shield my nose as it turned red and I blinked rapidly to keep the tears back. Lance was the first one to hug me tight.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me

“Make us proud,” Lance whispered into my ear. “We’ll always be here for you. Don’t forget that.”

“I know,” I mumbled in reply before turning to hug Chris.

“My little partner in crime,” Chris muttered, squeezing me. “What’m I going to do without you?”

“Play more pranks on my behalf and keep me up to date on the info with you guys, OK?” I said, lightly punching his shoulder once we pulled away.

“Will do.” He stepped away and did his best to act tough but I could tell he was about to cry as well.

“Joey-Bear!” I laughed as he picked me up off the ground. “You have to keep me up to date about your dating lives, alright? Or else I wouldn’t have a justifiable reason to meddle.”

“Just as long as you tell me whenever a boy catches your eye,” he replied.

“Promise,” I said and we hooked pinky fingers and shook on it.

Then I moved onto JC. “Did you get my planner? I’ve put everything in it that you need to know. Which states you’re traveling to, what time your shows are, each radio station you should try and fit into your schedule as well as sights you should see on your days off, and I tried to squeeze in time for you guys to go to the doctor or get a dentist appointment. You really shouldn’t let your health go on tour and—“

“Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,” JC interrupted me with a laugh. “You don’t have to worry about a thing, we have the whole thing taken care of but I’ll give the planner to Johnny to make sure we hae an extra copy of what we’re doing. Thanks for looking out for us.”

“Well…if I don’t who else will do it?” I said with a shrug. Then I gladly stepped into his waiting hug and managed to squash down every feeling that wasn’t brotherly that tried to escape from me. As soon as I pulled away I turned to Justin right as he turned away from Nick. “What was that about?” I asked him.

“It was nothing,” Justin replied with a shrug. “So, you ready to go?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied, pushing my hair behind my ears.

“So, where’s my present?” he asked with a small smile. I dug around in my baggy jeans until I found the item. “Hey, is that my sweatshirt?”

“Who knows, it could be Trace’s. I’ve stolen a lot of clothes from you guys over the years,” I replied, handing over the CD. “That’s the song that we will record together once I get back,” I told him, pointing at the name.

He read the name and nodded. “It’s fitting,” he replied and then pulled me into a tight hug. “I really don’t want you to go but I know you have to so…make us proud, have fun, and all that shit. Now go, the faster you leave the faster I can see you again,” he said, gently pushing me away.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go

I picked up my bag and Taz pillow and followed the Backstreet Boys to the little stand where the lady was waiting to check our boarding passes. I tapped my fingers against the pillow while I waited for the woman to give it back. Once it was in my hand I turned and waved once more before following Brian out the door, down the few flight of stairs and across the stretch of concrete where the plane was waiting.

“Wait!” Nick yelled at me so suddenly I jumped. “You have to step on with your right foot,” he told me.

“What?” I asked, squinting.

“Excuse him, he’s ridiculously superstitious. Just do it and get it over with,” Brian said as he stepped onto the airplane. I took his lead and walked forward with my right foot, crossing over the doorway and onto the plane. I took one more look at the terminal. I almost laughed out loud when I saw their faces pressed up against the window. I shuffled down the small aisle and took my seat next to Kevin.

Wherever I, wherever I go

“Are you OK?” Kevin asked while buckling up as I looked out the plane’s window. I nodded right as the stewardess told us to buckle up and that we would be preparing our ascent. I shoved my hands into the pocket of the sweatshirt and felt something flat and cool. What the…? I pulled my hands out and found that I had two envelopes sitting in the pocket. I dropped one on my lap and opened the other, recognizing Lance’s neat handwriting right away:

Dear Mack (Joey wanted to put ‘dearest’ but we knew you’d find it too mushy),

Tomorrow's hopes and dreams will never die as long as you believe in yourself and follow your heart. The kindnesses in your heart will guide you to accomplish many things in life and overcome all challenges and all obstacles. Never give up, always have faith in yourself, and you will gain the greatest gift of all, the gift of hope and love you rightly deserve.

Whatever you may do in the future, never let anyone stand in the way of you pursuing your dreams. Know that you will always have family and friends to rely on whenever you need them. No matter what you may decide to do in life, we will be right there to help, support, and love you. We wish you only the best as you continue chasing your dreams.

Love always,

Joey, Chris, JC, Lance, and Justin

P.S. For our sanity, STAY OUT OF TROUBLE!

Smiling, I picked up the other envelope and ripped it open. My hands started shaking as soon as I read Justin’s handwritten letter:

Mackie,

I really can’t find words that are strong enough to express how much you mean to me and how much I thank you for all the things you’ve shown me through the years, the many things you’ve done for me and all the times that you were there. I just wanted to let you know how much I need you, and how much you mean to me. You're my dearest friend, the person I always turn to with my heart and soul. You're always there for me, ready to offer an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold or a heart to feel and that means the world to me. I'll be there beside you through both the good times and the bad times. I'll be your light and warmth when the road gets rough. I’ll encourage you when you hesitate. I've met a lot of people, but no one like you. I knew from the start that there was something special about you. You touched my life and wouldn't let go.

You've made me feel like a better person, able to take on the world. I think we were destined to become friends, and I'm grateful for whatever brought us together. A true friend is someone who listens, someone who supports, and someone who is always there. A true friend is you. You are so special to me and you cannot be replaced. You are always willing to help no matter what the situation holds. You always supported me and have helped me through the tough times. I hope one day you can lean on me as much as I've leaned on you. Your friendship helps me realize how lucky I am. I've been given many blessings. I knew right away that heaven's rays shined upon me the first time we met. And I knew that I'd be a fool if I let you get away without a proper send off. I love you. Come back soon.

Your #1 Fan.

Juppy

I smiled and folded up the letter right as the plane started to move down the runway. I watched the airport pull out of my vision and burst out laughing when I saw Justin and Chris trying to race each other as far as the windows of the airport would take them to see us take off. The plane tilted and the next thing I knew we were coasting in the air, breaking through the clouds, on our way to Ireland.