I sighed in content and rubbed my stomach. I may have eaten a bit too much chili but it was worth it, especially with Lynn’s Corny Cornbread (lame name Justin came up with when we were kids, basically its cornbread with cooked corn kernels in it) and her famous sure-to-rot-your-teeth Kool-Aid. The Michael Jackson CD that played on a constant loop put everyone in a great mood, even Mamaw (who I was sure was still pissed at me (even thought she wouldn’t admit it).

Now we were all relaxing in the living room while we waited for Miss Sadie and Lynn to finish with the desert. Rachael, who sat on the armrest of the loveseat, was talking to my mom about some knitting technique she should try. She was on one side of the loveseat, her legs across Mike’s lap giving Rachael her two cents while Mike dig his fingers into her calf muscles. Dad sat in a recliner, his eyes closed and his hands resting on his slightly distended stomach, humming softly. Trace was sitting on the floor playing a little game of tug-o-war with Little J and Oreo.

The night was filled with good food, laughter, and the retelling of old stories and jokes. I just leaned back in my chair and soaked it all in. Who knew when I’d be back in Memphis to be able to do this again? To be normal again. It was moments like this that made me want to run and hide under my bed again.

I jumped at the sudden ringing phone, reached behind my head and grabbed it. “Harless residence,” I answered.

“What have I said about going to Memphis without me?” Justin asked and a smile automatically spread on my face. “And you’re at my house, no less. Are you trying to make my momma like you better than me or something?”

“She all ready does, she just doesn’t tell you because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings,” I replied. I could practically see the pout that was on his face. “Hey, wasn’t "God Must Have Spent" released in Europe today?”

“Yep. Johnny says we should get chart results in the next couple of days.” He tried to hear

“Are you worried?” I asked, twisting my finger in the spiral cord.

“No, I mean…it is what it is. We’ve done well before and if they like it, great, if they don’t, oh well. We have other songs,” he mused. “Ok, so what’s the plan?”

“We’re flying to L.A. on the 16th,” I recounted off the top of my head “Well, you are, I’m flying in the night of the 15th. After that I’m going on your promo tour with you and on the 16th of March I’m headin’ off to Ireland.”

“…That’s so soon,” Justin said glumly. "That's not even that long. Only ten days."

I sighed. My heart practically broke at the sadness in his voice. “I know but that means we have to make sure we spend as much time together as possible.” He stayed silent. “C’mon, Juppy cheer up.” Trace lifted his head and looked at me when I mentioned my nickname for Justin but then a second later he turned his attention back to my pups. “We have the rest of February together.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “It’s better than nothin’. Hey, lemme talk to Momma.”

“Lyynnnn, its Justin!” I called, pressing the phone into my chest. Lynn came into the living room drying her hands. “Is the pie ready?” I asked, holding the phone out of her reach.

Lynn laughed and wiggled her fingers. “Yes! Let me talk to my son!”

“Yes ma’am.” I jumped off of the couch and licked my lips at the smell of the freshly baked pecan pie. “Daddy, do you want any?” I asked him. He didn’t open his eyes but he shook his head and I wasn’t about to ask Momma and Mike, they were giving each other flirty eyes. Gross.

I eagerly went into the kitchen and felt my mouth water at the sight of Miss Sadie’s pecan pie.

“Child, you better sit down before you float away from how much your mouth is watering,” Miss Sadie laughed, directing me to the table. Her husband, Bill, was all ready sitting there quietly eating his pie.

“With pleasure!” I said, sitting down. She brought a knife over and cut the pie. “Bigger,” I said quickly, stopping her from making another cut. She moved her wrist over. “A bit bigger,” I said with a grin.

“Don’t come complaining to me when you have clogged arteries,” Miss Sadie grumbled, cutting my piece and putting it onto my plate.

“It’d be a compliment,” I responded, shoving the nutty-goo into my mouth. She laughed and cut another slice for Trace and Rachael who had wandered into the kitchen as well, Little J and Oreo following closely at their heels. She cut their slices and cut one for herself. Bill picked up their plates and offered his arm to his wife and the two walked to the back patio.

“Aww, I hope I’m like them when I’m married,” Rachael sighed.

“If you find someone who wants to marry you,” Trace pointed out.

“Don’t crush her hopes, Stinkerbell,” I scolded. He stuck out his tongue. “Besides, she won’t have to worry with the way Cal looks at her.”

Rachael blushed. “Shut up, we’re just friends.”

“Mhm, friends who want to jump each other’s bones and I’ve only known the guy for, like, two days.”

“Mack!”

“What?” I asked innocently. “I mean, he knows what to do around horses and he can take care of Bluebelle for me and I don’t have to worry. I approve, don’t worry.”

“Oh yeah, hotshot, what about you?” Rachael asked.

“I don’t know, I’ve always seen myself marrying a guy named Beau,” I replied.

“Beau!?” Trace laughed, practically choking on his pie. “Why the hell Beau? That’s a retarded name.”

“Coming from someone named Trace,” I shot back.

“Hey, I was named after Trace Adkins, don’t be dissin’ my name.”

“Your first name’s Juan,” Rachael snickered.

“Why’re y’all always ganging up on me?” He grumbled. “It’s like whenever Justin’s around you two are perfectly nice but whenever he’s not here it’s like you two turn into the devil’s spawn or something.”

“Grow a fuckin’ backbone, we’re just teasin’ ya,” I laughed at his melodramatic attitude. “I gotta get all of my shots in while I can.” Rachael and Trace looked at each other as if I had just told them the world ran out of pecan pie. “C’mon, guys, are you going to be this sulky every time I mention leaving? You’re not this bad with Justin.”

“Well, with Justin we got used to him going off every weekend,” Rachael pointed out.

“You should’ve known that she’d do whatever it is that Justin does,” Trace sighed.

“Why does Justin always come up in a conversation I have with someone?” I grumbled. Was it so hard to be able to talk to someone from home without having to be like Justin’s keeper?

“It’s bound to happen,” Rachael said with a shrug. “He’s my cousin. He’s Trace’s best friend. He’s your—”

“Slave driver,” Trace interrupted.

“You know I’ve had about enough of your lip,” I said, jabbing my fork in his direction. “I get that you’re upset but come on! My life doesn’t revolve around him.” Lies, lies, all lies. You know he does.

“Yes it does,” Rachael and Trace said unison.

“No it doesn’t,” I denied. Liar.

“Yes it does.”

“Well maybe it’s because I used to hate both of you,” I commented. Change the subject to a safer topic. I didn’t worry about hurting their feelings; they knew I didn’t like ‘em at first. Trace and I used to hate each other’s guts and Rachael liked different things than I did.

“When’d that change?” Rachael asked, squinting. “I mean it’s like a very fuzzy memory.”

“When you ripped the heads off of your Barbie dolls and we used ‘em as badminton birdies,” I replied, smiling at the memory. “Your mom was so pissed.”

“I remember when she saw them. She’s like: ‘Rachael Grace, have you lost your damn mind?’” Trace and I burst out laughing. Her imitation of her mother was spot on. “And when’d you stop fighting with Trace?”

“When he got remotely good looking.”

“Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m drop-dead gorgeous!” Trace said as he puffed out his chest.

“You should just drop dead, gorgeous,” Rachael quipped. Trace threw his balled up napkin at her. She threw it back at him. He searched for something else to use as ammo and grabbed my pie piece.

“My pie!” I yelled. Ok, it’s just pie, I get it, but to me it’s like the end of the world. No one steps between me and my pie.

“What’s with all the noise in here?” Sadie bellowed, rushing into the room. Trace, Rachael, and I all jumped before looking at her as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Nothing Miss Sadie,” we chorused, looking at each other.

“We were just teasin’ Trace,” I explained.

“Yeah, we didn’t meant to be so loud,” Rachael added.

“Screaming like a couple of piglets in here, I thought someone died or something! God forbid…” Miss Sadie muttered, going off on her usual rant as she patted the hair on her head as if to make sure no strand was out of place.

“Here,” Trace said as he threw my pie back onto my plate.

“I don’t want that, it has Trace germs all over it!”

Trace opened his mouth to say something but Miss Sadie shot him a look and he slumped in his seat.

“I talked to your grandmother this morning,” Miss Sadie said, turning to me.

“So? You talk to her every day,” I pointed out. “It’s about the cotillion thing isn’t it?”

She nodded. “She really wants you to do those classes.”

“Well, tough tiddlywinks, I aint doin’ it,” I grumbled.

“Why not?”

I studied her face trying to figure out what game she was playing but she stared back at me as if genuinely interested. “I’m not taking poof classes,” I replied. “They’re stupid. I have perfectly good manners…when I need them. I don’t want to be Southern Belle, it’s not me! I don’t want to be married before thirty. I don’t want to do stupid pageants. I don’t want to take stupid classes etiquette classes. I don’t want to be formed into a mold. They’re like…robots.”

“Hey now, you better watch yer mouth,” Miss Sadie said sternly but she had a twinkle in her eye. “I myself was a Southern Belle, still am and let me tell ya, I’m dern proud of it.”

“I didn’t mean to disrespect you,” I said quickly, blushing at being scolded. Why in front of the others too. “I’m just saying it’s not for me.”

“But it’ll make Jasmine mighty happy,” Miss Sadie pointed out, turning her head slightly when the sliding glass door opened from the back patio and Bill came into the kitchen, empty plates were balanced on his arm.

“I’m not going to do something that I don’t want to do just to make her hap…” Then it dawned on me. “py…” I finished lamely. I then made a face and looked at Trace and Rachael. Rachael was smirking but Trace was flat out practically telling me ‘I told you so’ without saying it. “You’re good,” I sighed.

“It’s what I’m here for, Child,” Miss Sadie replied with a wink.

“Now you understand why I married her, she makes me realize when I’m being stupid,” Bill said before kissing her cheek and she blushed.

“Which is all of the time,” she joked.

“Hey now, this stupid old man thought clearly when he married you. Don’t make me realize my fault.”

Miss Sadie slapped him on the arm and the two giggled like children. Rachael let out a soft “awww” and even Trace didn’t turn away from the display.

“Can I have more pie?” I asked breaking Miss Sadie’s and Bill’s love stare.

“What’s wrong with the one on your plate?” Bill asked as Miss Sadie went to cut another piece.

“Trace touched it,” I replied as if it were an obvious reason that I needed a new piece.

Bill laughed a throaty laugh. “Girl, if you’re worried about him touching your pie you’re going to have to worry about a lot more once you get a boyfriend because he’s going to want to be touchin’ all over you.”

“Ack!” I cried out, slapping my hands to my ears as my cheeks pulled in blood from every which way. So I didn’t have much experience with the opposite gender, sue me. I like boys but thinking about being that close to one freaks me out. “Bad images, Bill, bad images!”

“Oh yeah, you gotta watch what you say about her, anything that has anything to do with the spectrum of sex she freaks out,” Trace said with a laugh in his voice as I glared at him.

“Just because I don’t fuck everything with balls—“

“Watch your language!” Miss Sadie scolded.

“—doesn’t mean I’m a prude!” I snapped, ignoring Sadie.

“Whatever,” Trace said. I could tell by his tone that he didn’t mean it and was only trying to stop an argument that was bound to arise. And he was still holding onto those wretched four words that I hated.

“Go ahead and say it,” I said once Miss Sadie and Bill were out of the room.

“What do you mean?” Trace asked innocently.

“Don’t play fucking coy with me, just go ahead and say ‘I told you so!’ so we can both get on with our lives.” Trace merely smirked before going back into the living room. I rolled my eyes as Rachael laughed. “What’re you squawking about?” I snapped.  God, Trace could really get on my nerves sometimes…

“You two,” she replied. “You know Trace is just trying to get your attention and you’re practically eating out of the palm of his hand.”

“If only he’d get over me things would be a bit better, but it’s ok because I know I’m fucking irresistible.”

“You’ve been around J too long,” Rachael sighed. “He’s always so cocky.”

“I’m not cocky, I’m confident, there’s a difference,” I pointed out and put down my fork. Change the subject, dammit! “Does J still have his ATVs or did Lynn make him get rid of ‘em?”

Justin and his dad—his real dad, Randy—had gotten two ATVs from this garage sale a year ago. He gave one to Trace and they went racing through the woods a lot. Once Rachael saw how fun it was she got one as well. My mom says I’m not allowed to have one because they’re dangerous and blah blah blah so I borrow Justin’s whenever I get the chance.

Rachael nodded. “Always takes care of ‘em.”

“Good, I’m not in the mood to walk home. Want to come with?”

“Yeah, but what about your dogs?” She asked, bending to scratch them behind the ears.

“Mom and Dad can take ‘em home,” I replied and we walked into the living room. “Hey Momma, I’m going to go home,” I said, sticking my head into the living room. “Can you bring the trouble twins home?”

She nodded. “You’re not walking by yourself are you?”

“Mom! I know this place like the back of my hand!” I protested. I interrupted her almost immediate scolding, “Rachael’s coming with me.” She held her stare. “And Trace,” I grumbled, picking at my nails. “See you at home.”

I shoved Rachael out the front door and to the garage before Mom could say anything. She punched in their code and lifted the door. I grabbed a helmet off of the wall and a setoff keys and went over to an ATV.

“Wanna race back?” Trace asked, grabbing a helmet himself.

“First to my house wins eternal bragging rights,” I replied.

“No! First back gets to embarrass Justin in public!” Rachael replied, eyes wide in excitement. She kinda reminded me of a Chihuahua.

“How badly?” I asked, swinging my leg over the seat.

“As bad as possible.”

“Deal,” Trace and I said in unison, moving our ATVs to the front yard. Trace and Rachael revved their engines every now and then as I adjusted my helmet. “Ok, on three! One…two…three!”

We all shot forward, dirt and gravel flying every which way as we peeled out of the driveway and took off down the street. Despite having a helmet over my head I could hear the wind whistling in my ears and my heart beating right behind them. I urged the ATV forward and managed to squeeze past Rachael and move in behind Trace.

Riding an ATV was almost as fun as riding Bluebelle, only with the ATV I had to worry more about low lying hazards. With Bluebelle I put my faith in her that she’d jump it, now it was all me to avoid any obstacle that got in my way.

It was funny how much riding an ATV could be a lot like life, now that I think about it. A lot of things can come flying your way but it’s your decision alone about how you’ll react to them, if you’ll get out of the way or let it take you down.

I look around at the dark scenery that whizzed by the path lit up from the headlights and soon my fenced in house came up on the horizon. There was no way that Trace was going to beat me to my own house. The path got wider so I took the opportunity to get as aerodynamic as possible. We raced neck and neck and my home steadily got closer. I thought it was in the bag but Trace cut me off by swerving right in front of me and I had to jerk the handlebars to get out of the way.

Dammit!

I wrenched off my helmet and threw it at Trace as he started laughing. “Godammit, Trace, you coulda killed me!”

“But I didn’t!” He pointed out, taking off his own helmet, smiling smugly. I muttered a few choice words under my breath as Rachael finally came up, skidding so she sprayed dirt at Trace who raised his hands to shield his face. “Low blow, Bomar!” He called.

Rachael saluted and laughed. Her smile suddenly frowned as she looked at my house and then she looked at me. She looked like a puppy that just got kicked. “You better not cry!” I warned her.

“I’m not,” she said, catching her voice right before it cracked.

“Geeze Rach,” I grumbled, walking over to her and hugging her tight. “It’s not the end of the world. I’ll come back and visit. And who said this is permanent? I’m just doing this to wet my feet a little and to help my dad.”

“But the world’s going to love you,” Rachael replied, wiping her eyes and smiling a little. “Everyone does.”

“I can see why. I’m fan-fucking-tastic!” I said as if she were crazy. She laughed and hugged me again. “Are you actually going to call me this time? Do you know how annoying it was having to get a message from Justin?” I demanded, turning to Trace.

“I’ll have to make sure I shove it in between your high-demand schedule,” he replied, shoving his hands into his pockets. His breath came out in a little cloud before it disappeared into the dark, chilly air. “Don’t be so modest, you’re going to rock,” he said, noticing the look on my face.

“I don’t know, I just…I don’t like the attention,” I admitted.

“You’re a freakin’ dancer! People look at you all the time, what’s the difference? You’ll do great, and if you don’t I’ll personally fly over to whatever the fuck country you are and make sure you do great.”

I know I’ve said it a billion times before but I never realized how great my friends are. I was surprised I haven’t driven them up the wall with my kinda-sorta-frequent wishy-washiness, but those you don’t scare away are your best friends for life, at least that’s the way I see it. And I needed them, sure my sanity was on the line sometimes, but they were worth it.

After hugging Rachael until I felt like she was going to pop my head off I started pushing Justin’s ATV into my garage while she and Trace got back on theirs.

“Hey Mack,” Trace called over the revving of his engine. I turned to look at him. What could it be that he forgot to tell me? He’s called me every ‘short’ name under the sun; he said ‘bye’ all ready and he boost my ego tenfold. He did everything he usually does, what could be left…?

“I told ya so!”

I laughed and flipped him off, watching as he rode down the dirt after Rachael. I pushed the ATV into the garage the rest of the way and then turned back to pull down the garage door. Rubbing my hands together to get dust and dirt off of it, I pushed open the door that led into our laundry room, and then pulled open the door that went into the kitchen.

I stretched and spread my arms in the open space of the kitchen, spinning on my toes. I came back down on my feet and then went straight into a pirouette. I danced around the kitchen to the music that was playing in my head. All of a sudden my fear and apprehension was replaced with giddiness and the need to move around and the kitchen was the best place. Daddy, Mom, and I would always dance in the kitchen in the mornings as we made breakfast together. As I moved to do different jumps I could practically hear the ghost of my younger self laughing as Dad and I spun around the room, dancing to 40s swing music as Mom warned him to be careful.

I stopped and looked around the empty kitchen again. I walked over to the array of picture frames that were sitting on the counter. I picked up the first one and clicked my tongue as my eyes skimmed the black and white photo of me when I was four on the day Aaron was born, holding him. His big eyes were open and he had a bright smile on his face. I sighed and put the picture back down. You support me, right Aar?

I jumped when the phone suddenly rang and glanced back and forth between the phone and the picture wondering if there was some sort of weird supernatural thing going on. “Hello?” I answered picking up the phone.

“What’re you doing up so late? Don’t you and Philippe have to fly to Orlando in the morning?” Mamaw asked. She never said ‘hello’ she always got right down to business.

“I just got back from Lynn’s—“

“Miss Lynn!”

“—Miss Lynn’s and I was going to get in the shower and get to bed.” I bit my lip and hesitated. I wanted to make sure things were clear between us before I left but, honestly, I was scared. Mamaw wore her heart on her sleeve and I didn’t want to upset her. I let out a breath, recalling Miss Sadie’s words and went for the plunge. “Mamaw, I know you’re upset with me, but I can’t do the cotillion thing.”

There was silence on her end before she finally answered. “I don’t understand why you shy away from who you are.”

“Mamaw, that’s just it. That’s not who I am. I don’t wear dresses or makeup or heels because I don’t like to. I don’t feel myself when I wear that stuff, I feel fake. I like wearing shorts and t-shirts and jeans and playing outside without worrying about mud. Sure, I curse a lot and you can blame Justin and Trace for that, but I know when to turn it off. I know when to be serious and when to be polite. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out who I really am and who and what I want to be. I just now got used to my accent, you can’t ask too much out of me. I have a lot of pressure on me and I don’t need it from my family, I need my family to support me.”

“Chilie, what makes you think that I don’t support you?” Mamaw demanded. I could practically see her putting her hands on her hips. “Your Poppy and I have bragged to everyone we know about all that you and Justin are doing. You make us very proud, very proud.”

“Thanks,” I sighed, feeling a weight off my shoulders.

“And know that you can always come back to Memphis if you ever need to get away and nothing will change, Chilie. You and Justin are destined for greatness but we won’t see you differently. You need constant never-ending support and we’ll always be here to give it to you.”

“Thanks Mamaw!” I picked up the picture of me and Aaron again, winking at it in thanks for Aaron’s support.