Standing here watching my little sister sitting at a table with her perfect family makes me sick. Her husband has their adorable son on his lap and it looks like the kind of picture you get in a frame when you buy it. I shouldn’t jealous, I should be happy for her. But it’s not fair; it’s not fucking fair. Becca never wanted kids; she never fucking wanted a kid. I’ve wanted a kid since I was a kid. My whole life I was waiting to get married and pregnant. I’m married, I got that part down but we’ve been trying to have a baby for the past eight fucking years and nothing is happening. My sister, on the other hand, gets pregnant three months after she gets married. How is this fair?
It’s always been like this. I’m two years older than her and it’s like everything I do she does better two years later. I got into UCLA, and she got into Pepperdine. I majored in education so I could be a teacher while she decided she wanted to go into music production. That one actually worked better for me, especially since my parents never thought she’d find a job being a producer. But she did. She ended up being the kind of producer that huge record companies pay millions of dollars to have their artist work with. Becca also met her husband, Justin Timberlake, when they worked together to record what Rolling Stone Magazine called the best album of the year. Justin Timberlake. I’m married to a doctor; ok he’s a dentist but same thing. I’d say that’s pretty impressive, it’s not like Tyler works at a gas station. Everyone was impressed with that for a while, that is of course until Becca brings home Justin Timberlake, current king of pop. They literally make beautiful music together. Literally they are a power team as far as the music industry is concerned.
I am happy for her. It’s just annoying that everything always is so perfect for her. Just once I want something to be fucking hard for her, I want her to go through something that sucks. That’s horrible, she’s my little sister. I love her so much but it’s just annoying. And standing here watching her perfect little family makes me want to hide in a closet and cry. I just can’t get over it.
All I’ve ever wanted is a baby and her son is so fucking adorable. I wanted him to be a cranky little shit but he’s not. He hardly ever cries and he laughs so much. God, deep down I really wanted him to be ugly, or at least not as adorable as he is. How perfect would it if he was missing a toe or something, nothing too major, just a little toe. Oh my god, what is wrong with me? That’s a horrible thing to wish.
The only problem with him is that his name is Lyric. Lyric. But even that’s kind of cute for them because they’re both music people. Plus his middle name is Andrew so if he wants he can go by that. See what I mean, they think of everything. It’s like right when something could possibly go wrong they have a backup plan. Ugh, it drives me crazy.
It all goes back to me being jealous about not having a baby of my own. I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult for my husband’s sperm to fucking fertilize an egg. It’s not like we don’t have sex, my god we have sex. It’s like my own husband pretends he’s asleep so he doesn’t have to fuck me when I’m menstruating. It’s not supposed to be like that. I’m supposed to be the one faking a migraine to get out of sex. I’m ready to do one of those fertility treatments and end up with sextuplets. I’m totally fine with that, I just can’t deal with forever being that couple without kids while my perfect little sister has her perfect little family. I just know she’s going to have another kid before I get pregnant even once. And I bet it’ll be a girl too, just because that’s how it’s supposed to work for me. I always wanted a boy first and then a girl.
I’m so sick of everyone giving me those looks like they feel so bad for me. And if one more person asks me what my thoughts are about adoption I swear to god I’m going to kill someone. My thought about adoption is that it’s not my kid. I want my kid to be half me and half my husband not whole some person I’ve never met. Now once again, I sound like an asshole. Adoption is great, and I’d be more than happy to adopt a kid AFTER I have a couple of my own. It’s not the same. I need at least one of my own. Or if all else fails I can have my sister carry a kid for me, hell I might as well have her fucking gorgeous husband be the sperm donor.
I’m just annoyed, obviously I love my husband more that life itself and I wouldn’t want any other man’s sperm fertilizing my egg. I also love my sister and my brother in law, and I’m so glad that their life has turned out so perfectly. I just want one thing to go wrong for them. I just want one little thing to make their life a little less perfect.
