4 months ago:

He sat across from her, his eyes studying his dinner plate as if it contained the meaning of life. The room was silent, save for the delicate tings of silverware hitting china, but the silence was deafening. A sea of unspoken words hung between them but neither dared breach its barrier for fear of injuring their already fractured marriage.

Finally Jessica cleared her throat, ‘I have a late shoot tonight then I’m flying to New York for the Today Show, so I probably won’t see you until tomorrow night.’

Justin, eyes still downcast, nodded and mumbled ‘Ok.’

An uneasy silence settled over them again.

‘Do you want to go? I could postpone coming back to LA and we could spend some time in the city. You could get away from the studio for a couple days, it’d be fun.’

Justin continued to stare down at his cold filet mignon, his mind a thousand miles away.

‘It’s been six months today,’ he thought, listening to the phrase repeat itself over and over in his head.

‘Justin? JUSTIN!’

He finally looked up, hearing the anger and frustration in her voice.

‘Hmm?’

‘You didn’t hear a word I said did you?’

‘Oh sorry, must have zoned out.’

As he looked at her face, he could hear the words pounding inside his head, keeping time with his heart beat. ‘Six months, six months, six months’.

She sighed, ‘I asked if you wanted to go to New York with me tomorrow. Spend a couple of days there…together.’

A thread of hope, soft and hesitant, found its way into her voice, making Justin look back down again, not willing to see her reaction as he replied,

‘Tomorrow? Sorry Jess, I gotta go to the studio in the morning and lay some stuff down.’

‘Oh, ok.’

Justin closed his eyes at the crestfallen sound of her voice. He wanted to want to go with her. He wanted to want to walk through Manhattan, holding hands and laughing like they used to do. He wanted to go back, before the unending silence and the unspoken words, before that day six months ago. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t go back and he couldn’t act like nothing had happened, so now they were stuck. Frozen in an awkward void where no one spoke out of turn or said what they really meant for fear of hurting the other. He hated it and he knew Jess hated it, but he couldn’t go back and he couldn’t forget.

Suddenly Jessica stood up with a sob and ran towards the kitchen. He sighed before heading reluctantly after her.

He saw her in the kitchen, her arms wrapped around her in a vain attempt at self-comfort and her eyes overflowing with tears.

He pulled her to him, not even bothering to ask what was wrong. After a few seconds, she sobbed into his shirt,

‘I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Justin. I just – I just don’t know.’

He automatically grimaced, hating himself for it.  ‘Shhhh shhhh, we’ll get through this, babe. You know we will.’

‘I don’t know Justin. It’s just – every week, Dr. John talks to us about communication, how we should talk to one another and not keep this – this anger inside. How it’s ruining our relationship and I’m trying, I really am. And I keep trying to talk and connect with you and you just keep pushing me away and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m only so strong, Justin.’

Justin sighed, ‘I know baby, I know you do. And I’m trying too but I just need some time to sort things out.’

She pulled away from him and quickly took a step back.

‘No, Justin you’ve had time. It’s been six months! Six months! And you still look at me like that!’

He paused, ‘Like what?’

‘Like – Like I’m the bad guy. Look, I understand why you’re upset and I’m sorry, but I can only apologize for so long.  I mean, you act like I don’t have feelings about it too. I was devastated, Justin, absolutely devastated. But, I made what I thought was the best decision and maybe you don’t like it, but it was my decision to make. It’s like you have a grudge against me! And I don’t know what to do to make it up to you. You just need to …. let it go, Justin, you need to let it go.’

Justin took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to dispel the sudden rush of anger that roiled in the pit of his stomach.

 A decision. Is that what you call it?!? A DECISION! Ok, calm down, man.  Breathe, Justin, breathe. She’s right, you need to let it go so you can move on as a couple. Just breathe and let it go. 

 ‘Baby, I’m trying - ’

‘No Justin, I don’t want your TRYING anymore. We’ve been living with your trying for the last six months and it hasn’t been working. I want your DOING!’

Anger as dark as night reared its ugly head and Justin saw red for a moment as he was finally angry enough to break the truth barrier between them.

‘And it’s always about what you want isn’t it?’

‘What do you mean by that?’

‘You know what I mean, Jessica. You want a new car, we get a Mercedes. You want to live in the city, we move to New York. You want to get married, we get fucking married. It’s always got to be about you. You think that the whole world is a fucking stage and you’ve always got to be in the spotlight.’

Jessica turned around and headed to the fridge to pour herself a glass of wine, ‘Fuck you, Justin.’

Justin followed in her wake, ‘Fuck me? No fuck YOU! What about what I want?’

Jessica gave a derisive snort, taking a sip of wine from the flute, ‘Please, you don’t know what you want.’

Justin leaned in close to whisper in her ear, his face contorted with rage, frustration, and a myriad of other emotions.

‘I wanted our son.’

Jessica gave a small gasp, her wine glass slipping from her hands to fall forgotten onto the ceramic tiles on the kitchen floor.

He had said it, he had finally said it, what had been tearing at his insides for so long. It felt good – no, it felt great. Justin took a few steps back, the space between them almost tangible.

Jessica’s voice shook as she hoarsely whispered, ‘Justin, that’s not fair. I – ‘

Justin cut her off, his unbridled diatribe giving him a heady rush of freedom.

‘No, what’s not fair is the fact that that you tried to keep it from me. You, who always bitches to me about communication, said nothing and lied to my face about the most important decision a couple can make!  I mean, what were you thinking?!? That I was too stupid to notice the signs? The nausea, the morning sickness, the mood swings. Meanwhile, I was so excited. Everyday I waited for you to come home with the good news but no, all you told me was that you got a nasty case of the flu. Come on, Jess,  I mean, you actually paid your assistant to lie to me about where you were that day. And then, when I had to confront you about it, you have the audacity, to tell me it was your choice because it was your body?! Like I have no say in the matter just because I wouldn’t be the one that was physically pregnant. Does my opinion really matter that little to you? Did the fact that I was the child’s father mean nothing to you? And for what?   You killed our son, my son, for what? Some stupid bit part in a third rate movie?!?! God, what type of person are you?’

Jessica slid to the floor, heedless of the tiny shards of glass, my mouth open in a silent sob as waves of grief and regret poured off of her.

Justin looked down at her, the unhidden disgust prominent on his face, ‘I’m going out.’

And with that he grabbed his jacket and his wallet and just drove.