December 20th, 1997

Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Geeze, when they said you’d be nervous about the big day they weren’t kidding! You could practically hear my knees knocking throughout the freaking church! I took a few deep breaths and started pacing. I can’t believe I have to stand in these stupid heels while the pastor blabbers on and on. Oh well, I guess I can deal with it because of the day. I just can’t wait for it to be over so we can go on with the rest of our lives.

I felt weird in this fancy dress. It puffed out at the bottom and tied in the middle with a light blue ribbon, but I have to admit that it was gorgeous. The hairdressers had come over to the house this morning and fixed our hair––mine now was straight at the top and had lose, big curls at the bottom. Ordinarily I’d stay away from the curling iron but the woman who did my hair was a genius.

I glanced down at the flowers in my hand. A mixture of light pinks, peach, and orange filled the bouquet, the flowers complimenting the peach and gold in my dress. We didn’t want to be traditional with the dress colors and we agreed on peach. I let out another breath and peered through the slit of the tent like the bridesmaids as they whispered excitedly. The ground was lightly dusted with snow that reflected light as if Santa had come down and sneezed glitter everywhere. Under a natural arch of trees, was a long red carpet with chairs on either side. A bridesmaid turned to smile at me.

“Are you ready?” she asked. I nodded and forced a smile.

“There’s the music,” one squealed excitedly.

“Rachael, you’re up,” I said. She gave me a smile before slipping through the tent door. We could hear oohs and aahs as she walked slowly down the carpet, reaching Justin who escorted her the rest of the way to the altar before they separated and stood on either side. “Your turn,” I told Kelly. She gave me one last smile and then walked down the carpet slowly, taking her time and walking with the music. I peered out and saw Joey step forward, holding out his arm. I smiled at how his face lit up when he saw her. He really loved that girl.

“I guess I’m up now,” Danielle said happily, lightly jogging in place in happiness. She toned down her smile a bit before she stepped out as well, keeping her eyes glued on Chris who was waiting for her.

“Just one more,” Lance’s cousin, Melissa, smiled at me before she, too, walked down the aisle and joined Lance before they separated at the altar.

And then there was one. I finally stepped out of the tent, hoping not to throw up as my stomach clenched. I looked down at the ground briefly when everyone’s heads turned towards me, whispers rippling through the crowd. I could feel my cheeks flame and I smiled, finally looking up…and saw JC.

He waited patiently with his hands clasped in front of him, his eyes on me, and a smile gracing his perfect, full mouth. His bright blue eyes sparkled, completing his smile. It seemed to take an eternity but I finally reached JC. He offered his arm and I took it, instantly relaxing when he lightly covered my hand with his other one and we walked down the aisle. We finally reached the altar, he turned and looked at me, before we separated and stood in line with the others.

As the tent flap opened once more everyone craned their necks as they stood and the wedding march sounded. At the front of the altar, Ford Lofton licked his lips and let out a nervous breath as he stared down the aisle into the eyes of his wife-to-be Stacey Bass.

The wedding went by without a hitch. There was no dry eye in the place when they read their vows to each other. I’ll admit, even lil’ ol’ tough me got a bit misty. (But that’s all!) The backyard burst into cheers and applause when they finally shared their kiss as man and wife. I was happy too, but I was in a short dress in the middle of Canadian winter for crying out loud! Even with the sun out it was cold; I needed to change and fast! After we all walked back down the aisle the whole wedding (guests, family, friends, everyone) went back into my house where the party was being held.

“No rice!” I warned the family members that were waiting by the back door for Stacey and Ford to come in. “I don’t want to have to spend the rest of the day cleaning.”

I politely shoved my way through the guests before running up the stairs as if my life was on the line. Once I burst into my room Little J and Oreo ran around in circles, jumping randomly, and yipping, clearly happy to be let out of their prison from the past four hours. I closed the door behind myself and sighed, resting my back against it.

Finally the day was over; I could just hang out with my friends, relax, and more importantly, eat cake. Christmas was coming up in five days and I still needed to finish decorating the place. I sighed and walked towards the front window, smiling at the untouched snow that had covered the tracks of the friends and family that came to see the Lofton-Bass union.

Snow was lightly dusted on top of the green trees and everything sparkled under the sunlight. The screams of neighbors down the street filled the air. How I wish I could just go back and be a kid again, not worrying about the challenges that life would inevitably throw at me.

Don’t get me wrong; being only sixteen I’ve experienced a lot so far. I’ve choreographed for a great upcoming band (and yes, I have to say that ‘cause the guys are my friends), I’ve choreographed for the Backstreet Boys, filmed my debut movie in the three months of summer, and now I was going to start looking around for some producers, which my A&R guy Greg would have the last word on, so I could start working on my debut CD for Jive.

At the beginning of the summer I thought I was crazy for tackling all of these things at one time. I was even this close to quitting everything, but the guys convinced me to continue with it so I did. I knew as long as I had their support I’d be able to do whatever I set my mind on. I’m just too ambitious, I guess.

I just wished there were days that I could just run around and act my age, go see movies, hang out with friends, and do nothing stressful. Not that I would ever change my life as it is now. I’ve made great friends along the way and I wouldn’t trade it up for anything. The only thing I wished I could change was my family life.

It seemed like as soon as I turned sixteen my stable family fell apart. Mom and Dad came together to celebrate my big day in Orlando with the guys. It started out great, until Mike Davenport showed up. He’s Mom’s boyfriend, the father of my soon-to-be-born baby brother or sister. Mike’s nice, smart, charismatic, and a good listener. In short, he was everything my Dad wasn’t anymore. Since they broke it off and the divorce was finalized it’s like he became a completely different person.

He used to be so laid back but now he’s stressed out all of the time. A better reason, as my mom says, for me to move back to Memphis to be with her and Mike. I can’t decide where to stay, I love Orlando and I love Memphis and I love Momma and Daddy but I can’t choose between them. It’s too hard. I don’t think they understand that.

“Get offa my feet. I’ll feed you as soon as I change, ok?” I fought Little J and Oreo off and quickly changed into a gray tank-top, an off-the shoulder blue superman t-shirt (courtesy of Joey) and jeans. I easily lifted Little J and Oreo into my arms and they snuggled into my elbows comfortably, enjoying the ride. They were adorable for puff balls.

“Go go go go go go go!” Justin, Chris, and Joey yelled at the TV screen as they pumped their fists in front of them. I leaned forward a bit to see what was on TV. Of course, a hockey game. The Toronto Maple Leafs were playing against the Vancouver Canucks. They were both pretty good but if I had to choose between them I’d vote for the Maple Leafs, hands down. However, the team I supported was the Montreal Canadiens, of course, otherwise I’d bring shame to Montreal (or so my Poppy says).

“C’mon! Go for the hat trick!” Justin shouted.

“Korolev’s not going to get it,” I told him. “He’s a Centre, but he shoots to the left all the time, trying to cross it over. It won’t work this time, he’s covered too well.” I watched and nodded as Korolev tried to make a shot but it was easily blocked by the goalie and Canuck got it and took it to the other end of the ice. “Toldja,” I said simply, before walking into the kitchen. And they think I don’t know my sports. I smirked.

“Hey Mamaw!” I greeted my grandma happily as I walked into the kitchen. I put my dogs on the floor and rushed over to give her a hug. Mamaw is my Momma’s mom and Poppy is my Momma’s dad. Grammaw is my Daddy’s mom and PopPop is my Daddy’s dad. I know, I wasn’t original with names when I was growing up, sue me. “Do you need any help in here?” I asked, looking around. Stacey and Ford had decided to hold their reception later tonight instead of right after the wedding to allow us some time to relax and allow them some time to be together and explore Montreal.

“Yes Sugar. I need your help peeling these potatoes,” she replied, pointing to the basket that was sitting on the kitchen table. “I need some quick hands to help me out.” She smiled peacefully as I nodded.

“Ok, just let me ask if I can get some help from the guys.” I turned to walk out of the room but not quick enough to miss the disapproving look on her face.

Let’s just say Mamaw is a Southern Belle and she wants me to be one too. She doesn’t think I should spend much time around boys and that I should be going to etiquette school or something. Right, like I’d do well in etiquette school.

“Hey, can one of you guys be a dear and help me and my Mamaw peel potatoes?” I asked as sweetly as possible.

“Maaaack, the game’s on!” Justin whined.

“Five more minutes,” Joey joined in.

“Please?” Chris added. Danni, Rachael, and Kelley all rolled their eyes and went back to their conversations.

“Lance?” I asked him, begging with my eyes.

“Sorry, I can’t. I’m trying to finish my wedding present to Stacey and Ford,” he replied, apologizing.

“I’ll help,” JC said, getting off the couch. “The game’s getting boring anyway,” he said, following me into the kitchen.

“Thanks JC, you’re so sweet,” I said happily. “Mamaw, this is my friend JC. Jace, this is my Mamaw, my mom’s mom,” I said, pointing to each of them.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” JC said sweetly as he held out his hand.

Mamaw shook his hand but had that look in her eye. Oh man I thought, shaking my head. She’s going to grill him like a shish-kabob. I pulled up a stool and handed him a potato peeler before grabbing a potato and starting to peel it myself. He did the same by Mamaw continued to stare at him, her lips pursed, waiting to say something.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but why would your parents name you with initials?” Mamaw asked in that way that she could ask a question without sounding rude despite the question.

“JC’s not really my name, it’s a nickname,” he replied politely. “It’s a shortened version of my name. I got it while I was on the TV show The Mickey Mouse Club.”

If possible her lips stretched out further as she continued to peel her potato rapidly, the skin not breaking at all. “I see. What does JC stand for?”

“Joshua Chasez,” he responded.

“Chasez,” she repeated. “That sounds French.”

“It is, ma’am. My parents are of French and English decent.”

I squinted at Mamaw as she nodded. What in the world was she trying to pull? “You remember the MMC show, right? I was telling you about it when I was younger. That show that Justin got on? JC was on the show too,” I told her.

“The entertainment business, I see. I always thought it was filled with people who didn’t know what to do with their lives so they just turned to something simple as making fools of themselves for money,” Mamaw commented.

I stopped in mid-peel and looked at JC. He just shrugged and smiled a little. “Mamaw, can you say the same about some musical greats like Prince or Michael Jackson? They’re in the entertainment business as well.”

“Yes, dear, but they’re artists. There’s a big difference, really,” she said with a wave of her hand. Is she calling me stupid? She paused and peered through her glasses. “Dear, what are you wearing?”

I looked down at my shirt before looking at her. “A tank top, shirt, and jeans,” I responded.

“Ok, but where’s the rest of your shirt?” She lifted her eyebrows.

“This is the shirt, Mamaw,” I responded, letting out a slow breath, trying to stay calm. It was one thing insulting my friends but criticizing the way I dress? I. Don’t. Think. So.

“Sugar, a girl your age shouldn’t be showing off that much skin. You’ll attract unwanted attention that will no doubt lead you into…certain situations.”

My lip twitched. Does she really think I’m still six? Come on! Ugh, why do I have to go through this with JC here of all people? “I understand what you’re saying but I feel comfortable in these clothes and I dress for comfort, not for anyone or anything else.” I kicked JC under the table when I saw his shoulders shaking out of the corner of my eye.

“Tell me, KC, how old are you?” Mamaw asked, suddenly switching her attention to him.

JC immediately stopped laughing but the smile remained on his face. I kicked him again and shot him a warning look but he spoke up anyway. “Um, its JC, ma’am, and I just turned 21 in August.” Oh my God, the guy’s digging me into a grave!

“Now tell me, JayyCeee, if you saw a twenty-one-year-old woman wearing the exact same thing as my granddaughter here, would you hit on her?” Mamaw asked.

“Mamaw, I get it, I’ll put on a different shirt,” I said, putting my potato down.

“Nonsense, it’s just a question.” Mamaw waved me to sit back down. Lord, get me out of here! I begged, looking up at the ceiling.

“Mack, door!” Justin yelled from the living room.

He works fast. “Coming!” I called back. ‘Cause you can’t get off of your lazy ass… “Excuse me, Mamaw,” I said as politely as I could as I rushed into the living room and to the foyer. I pulled open the door and scrunched my eyebrows together.

A beautiful, tall woman stood on my porch, fixing her long brown hair in a small compact mirror that was in her hand. After giving her hair a few good flicks and checking her makeup she lowered her compact, putting it in her purse that hung off her arm. She finally looked up and smiled at me. Her teeth are too straight, they must be capped, I couldn’t help but think. “Yes?” I demanded when she didn’t speak.

“Hiii, you must be Mack,” the girl said, all smiles. My name sounded funny coming out of her mouth.

“Mackenzie,” I replied still staring at her.

“Right,” the girl responded. She then leaned forward a bit and looked around the house, pulling her jacket closer to her. “Is Josh here?”

“Who’s looking for him?” I demanded. You couldn’t be too careful with people. For all I knew she could’ve been a fan that stowed away on a plane and somehow found out that they’d be here. European fans are crazy, trust me. We have videos to prove it.

“Oh, right sorry, I forgot that part.” No shit. “I’m Bobbie.” I squinted at her. “Thomas,” she added. I raised my eyebrows, the name not ringing any sort of damn bells. “Josh asked me to come here. He said that this is your place and…”

“Bobbie. You’re here.” I turned my head and saw the biggest smile I’ve ever seen crossed JC’s face.

“Josh!” Bobbie squealed, yes squealed before shoving past me and jumping into his arms. I closed the door and made a face. Oh no she did not just barge past me into my own house! “If it’s possible I think you’ve gotten cuter,” she said, nuzzling into his neck. Ugh! Gag me!

“Everything’s possible,” JC replied. He took Bobbie’s hand. “Mack, this is my girlfriend Bobbie. Bobbie, this is Mack.” She gave a little wave as I crossed my arms over my chest.

That’s it? That’s all I get? She gets ‘girlfriend’ and I get diddly-fucking-squat? Geeze, I see where our friendship stands. I turned my attention to the stairs as Daddy descended it. He let out a yawn and rubbed his eyes with the bottom of his hands. Out of the corner of my eye I saw JC and Bobbie slip into the living room. “Good nap?” I asked Dad, reaching out to hug him.

He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. “Good enough,” he replied, stretching. I nodded and turned to go back into the kitchen when something caught my eye. “Nice bruise, when’d you get it?” I asked, lightly touching his side.

Philippe turned his head and looked down. He frowned. “Huh, that wasn’t there before,” he muttered. “I must’ve hit something in my sleep; I’m a little sore still.”

“Must have. Well, I gotta help Mamaw. Hockey’s on in the living room.”

“Good to know.”

I watched as he walked past me, lightly sniffing, before joining the guys in the living room, easily melting into the competitive atmosphere. I shook my head and went back into the kitchen where Mamaw sat at the head of the table, waiting for me to return.

“Mack?” She questioned. I knew that tone. In a few minutes she’d tell me that it wasn’t ‘lady-like’ to shorten my name or something else really ridiculous.

“Yeah, like the apple, the fish, the computer, and the sandwich at fast food joints,” I responded.

“Your parents didn’t name you so you could shorten it and sound like a trucker,” Mamaw said. I threw my arms into the air and sighed. There’s just no pleasing that woman! “Do you know what your name means?”

“Does it have anything to do with a guy named Kenny who likes Macintosh apples and zebras?” I guess dryly.

Mamaw ignored me. Figures. “It means son of a wise ruler. In your case, it means daughter. I like to think that I am wise and your name clearly states that you’re the daughter of one. So that means you should take my…comments to mind.”

You mean your criticism? I wanted to ask but I bit my tongue. Just then the doorbell rang again and I rushed back out. Saved by the bell twice in one day? You’re looking out for me, Lord. “Geeze, any more surprises today and I’ll probably have a heart attack,” I muttered, twisting the knob, and yanking the door open. I gaped at who stood on the porch.

“Hi!” Nick said cheerfully.

Oh shit.

“Hi!” Nick said cheerfully.

I only had a second to gape at him when I saw the look in his eye. Oh shit. That thought barely even crossed my mind before he surged forward, wrapping his arms beneath my butt, lifted me off the ground, and spun me around. “Nick! Stop!” I laughed as I lightly hit him on the back before grabbing his shoulder to keep myself from getting dizzy. “Nick, put me down!” I ordered, still laughing. He finally put my on the ground and I punched him hard on the arm. “You know I hate it when you do that.”

“All the more reason to do it,” he responded.

I rolled my eyes. “What’re you doing here? When’d you get here?”

“My plane landed about two hours ago. I wanted to surprise you and I think it’s a safe bet that I did. You should’ve seen the look on your face,” he said, laughing.

“You still didn’t answer the ‘what’re you doing here?’ question,” I pointed out.

“Isn’t it obvious? I wanted to see my favorite dancer. It gets boring talking to you over the phone so, here I am.”

This guy was making no sense at all even though he was speaking logically, in a sense. I shook my head, trying to find another question to ask. “But what about your family? Wouldn’t you want to spend time with them?”

“I would if I wasn’t about to start a tour, remember?” he lifted his eyebrows. The tour, right. Their latest CD had been released back in August and now they were doing a tour as promotion. I remember when he told me, he was super upset about the fact that he couldn’t be with his family during Christmas or New Year’s.

“Right, tour, right,” I said nodding.

“Anyway, I don’t have to get to California until Sunday, and since today’s only Thursday I figured I’d come and visit my favorite Canadian.”

I studied his face and crossed my arms over my chest. “Let me guess, the others aren’t going to be in California until Sunday and you didn’t want to be there alone.”

He looked around me. “Maybe,” he admitted.

“Hey sweetie, who’s at the door?” Dad yelled from the living room.

“No one,” I yelled back.

Nick slapped his hand to his chest. “Ouch,” he muttered.

I lightly punched him on the arm and laughed. “Shut up, ya baby. That didn’t hurt.”

“How would you know? You’re never on the receiving side of one of your punches,” he replied, rubbing his arm as he looked around. “I’m assuming I came at a bad time.”

“What makes you say that?” He motioned to the many cars that were sitting on the driveway’s hill. “Oh, yeah Lance’s sister got married here today.”

“Oh, congrats to them. So I did come at a bad time. I knew I should’ve called ahead, you’re probably busy with wedding and Christmas stuff to spend time with me,” he said sadly, looking at the ground and kicking his feet. I couldn’t help but laugh at his attempt to make me feel guilty. He was the one who decided to surprise me, not the other way around; he should’ve known that I’d be busy. But still, I couldn’t stay mad at him when he was making that face.

“It’s not a bad time, most of the people who belong to those cars are going back to the states tomorrow morning so they can spend Christmas with their families.” Oops, bad choice of words. I hated seeing that hurt look in his eyes. “It’s when the rest of the guys’ families come in that it’ll be a bad time. And, trust me; you wouldn’t want to see me stressed.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“Honey if no one’s at the door why are you still standing there?” Dad called. I knew that tone in his voice, he knew what was up. If I could I would’ve flipped him off but with the eagle eyes of my Mamaw I knew that would be a bad idea.

“Uhm, I’m going to the store,” I called, grabbing my jacket and my scarf off of the hook. “I need more stuff for dinner.”

“Ok, just don’t forget your keys and your phone.”

“I won’t.” I pulled my beanie down over my head and stepped out onto the porch.

“Take someone with you,” Dad added.

I made a face. He so knew. I waited to see which of the guys, or girls, would come and join me but no one moved. Dad finally cleared his throat and Chris jumped up, running upstairs. He disappeared briefly before coming back down with a large coat and gloves. Closing the door behind us I welcomed the sting of the cold Canadian air on my cheeks.

“So this was the ‘nobody’ you were talking to,” Chris said with a grin. “Good to see you again. Your group’s record came out, right? Congrats.”

“Thanks,” Nick said with an appreciative nod. “And you’re heading back to the states once the new year rolls around, right?” Chris nodded, bending over to scoop up some snow in his hands. “Good luck.”

“I make my own luck,” Chris replied simply, rolling the snow in his hands into a ball.

“If you hit me with that–“ I warned.

“Relax, this isn’t for you.” He had a sort of sadistic smile on his face. I swore I could see little devil horns growing out of his head as we walked down the street. “This has a certain quiet boy’s name on it.”

“Lance or JC?” I questioned.

Chris paused and shrugged. “Either one will work.” I laughed but it was swallowed by the wind that was aimed towards us. I blinked and immediately felt the tears fall down my cheeks from the cold air but I welcomed it. I missed the extreme temperatures that Canada brought. It made me feel alive.

“Where are we going?” Nick yelled over the wind.

“Grocery store,” I yelled back. “I need more food for dinner.” He nodded and pulled the hood of his coat tighter over his face. I bit my lip. Should I invite him to dinner? He did come all the way out here. But the dinner’s for the people at the wedding–“Why don’t you stay for dinner? We have enough to go around.” Way to not listen to my brain.

“I don’t want to impose.”

“You wouldn’t be imposing, I actually invited you.”

“Yeah, what’s up with JC not even mentioning that his girlfriend was coming?” Chris spoke up. I turned to look at him and did a double take. His arms were full of snowballs and he seemed to have a hard time carrying them all. He would curse whenever one fell out of his arms and landed on the ground, smashing into pieces. “I mean, we let you know ahead of time when we invited our girlfriends.”

“Search me, it must’ve slipped JC’s mind,” I replied, clenching my fists at the thought. I don’t know why it bothered me so much but it did. I was so annoyed the dull pain in my side acted up again. It’s been there for a couple of days, I chalked it down to wedding planning stress and making sure everything was ready for everybody. My body acted funny under different kinds of stress. When it came to stress from school work I would get sick. When it came to stress from dancing I wouldn’t be able to sleep for hours on end. I’m just weird like that.

“Finally!” Chris sighed once we got into the grocery store. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a cart. “Hey, can I ride in the basket? Please? Please please please?” Chris begged, jumping up and down in excitement.

“Fine! Fine, get in,” I sighed.

“Yaay!” he cheered, jumping into the basket. I struggled to push the car, with the added weight it was so much harder (obviously). “C’mon, push harder!”

“I would if you didn’t weigh like a ton of bricks!” I grunted, finally able to push the cart a few inches before it moved easier. I looked over at Nick about to ask him a question when I saw the pout on his face. “What?”I laughed.

He slumped as if all of the energy in his body left him. “I don’t want to shop.”

I shook my head. “Men. I told you I needed some more food.”

Nick shrugged. “I thought you were lying just to get out of the house to see me.”

I fought the urge to laugh. He was acting like such a little kid right now. “Well, we’re here now. Might as well get over it.” He groaned. I grabbed his arm and pulled him behind me. “Come on, stop being such a man.”

“I am a man, in case you haven’t noticed.”

I felt my lips twitch. “I’ve noticed.”

Twenty minutes later I found myself rubbing my temples as I tried not to go off on Chris. Stupidly I let him get some ice cream for dessert but now he was having trouble figuring out which flavor, brand, and price to choose from. His face was pressed against the window that separated him from the ice cream. I’m surprised it didn’t melt under his hot breath. I rested my arms against the handle of the cart, trying not to move too much. The pain in my side intensified a bit as well as my annoyance.

“Chris!” I finally cried out. “Pick something!”

“I don’t know which one to choose,” he responded. “This one’s Chocolate but this one’s Chocolate-y.”

“What’s the difference?” I all but growled.

“The ‘y’,” Nick pointed out with a teasing smile.

“Stuff it.” I tried to hide the smile that was on my face but he caught it. I tore my gaze away from him and stomped over to the freezer. “We can get both, ok? Anything that’ll make you hurry up!” I grabbed the two ice creams and turned around. I lifted my eyebrow at the sight of Nick signing some autographs for a few girls. One of them, a blond, had said something to him and he blushed. I shook my head and threw the two containers of ice cream into the cart.

“Hey! You almost hit my happy place,” Chris commented, moving some of the food around him. “Do you not want me to have kids?”

“Sorry,” I muttered, grabbing the cart handle and struggled to turn it around.

“I can push if it’s too heavy,” Nick said from behind me.

“I got it,” I replied through clenched teeth.

“No, really, you’re going to strain something if you keep trying to move the cart.” I ignored him and felt my feet sliding against the floor a little. I stopped altogether when he rested his hand on top of mine. “You’ve done a lot all ready, let me do this.” I didn’t respond, I just stared at his hand. It was considerably bigger than mine (well, I’m not that big) and warm. Really warm. I blinked and looked up when Chris cleared his throat and felt heat rise up my neck as I snatched my hand away and let him push. “Stop looking at me like that,” I hissed.

“You fascinate me lately,” he said, shrugging. He waited until Nick was out of earshot before continuing. “I mean, when I first met you you were only fourteen. A cute little fourteen-year-old with a big mouth, a big ego, and big dreams. Now, only two years later, you turn red when a boy touches your hand. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s wrong with you.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” I responded, shaking my head.

“Oh yes there is, but it’s not a bad thing,” he said with a big smile. He kinda looked like a jack-o-lantern, his smile was so big. All you’d have to do was stick a candle on his tongue and paint his face Oompa Loompa orange and we’d be there. “You, my dear, have a crush.”

I actually laughed out loud. “Your funny, Chris. That was one of your better jokes.” I shook my head.

“I’m not joking. Mackenzie, I have a bunch of sisters, remember? I know when one of them is crushing on a boy and you, little missy, are displaying all the signs of a crush,” Chris replied.

“Don’t call me little missy again,” I said as I rubbed my side, lightly putting pressure on the spot where the pain was coming from. It helped a bit but as soon as I moved my hand it got worse and I grabbed my side. I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it out slowly through my mouth. Geeze, I really need to relax.

“Don’t change the subject,” Chris said in a warning tone.

“What’re you going to do? Lecture me to death?” I asked sarcastically. “Anyway, you’re more twisted than a twizzler in a tornado if you think I have a crush on him.” Yes, my southern accent was included. Nowadays it seems that I have a blend of both my Canadian and Southern accent and depending on my mood or where I am one overpowers the other. Weird, eh?

“I’m not the one in denial, which, by the way, is the first stage of a crush.”

I clenched my hands into fists resisting the urge to punch him in the face to get him to shut up. I was under enough stress all ready, I didn’t need this. What I needed was to get back to the house and finish dinner before the reception and before Mamaw interrogated all of my friends. Gosh, I wish this stomach ache would go away. I was about to say something to him when I felt pain exploding in my side. I made a grunting noise and grabbed onto the area near my hip.

This was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. It felt like my insides were burning a hole through my abdomen and was throbbing in time with my heart beat. Tears fell down my cheeks from the pain as I struggled to get a breath in. the pain was so intense I stopped breathing for a second. Through my blurry eyes I could see the concerned look on Chris’s face.

“Mack? Are you ok?” he asked in alarm, jumping out of the cart, spilling some items onto the ground as I fell to my knees. He grabbed onto my shoulders. “Mack? Mack, what’s wrong?”

“It…it hurts,” I managed to gasp as I fell to the ground in fetal position, my arms holding my stomach. “Owwww, Chris, it hurts so bad!”

“What? What hurts?” Chris demanded. I motioned towards my stomach and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to focus on anything else but the pain. “Your stomach? Your stomach hurts?” I managed to nod. “How much?” Honestly, what kind of fucking stupid question was that? I’m on the ground in freaking fetal position and he asks how bad? Men.

“Chris? What’s going on? What happened?” Nick’s voice. He sounds so concerned…

“I don’t know, she just complained about her stomach hurting and fell over. It hurts bad enough that she can’t talk well.” No shit. “She’s running a fever. I think…I think its appendicitis. Call 911, quick!” Whoa, when’d it get so hot in here? Oh man, it sounds like I’m under water, I can barely hear them. What’s happening to me? What’s going on? I want my Daddy! I want Justin! Someone help me!

“Come on, pick up!” Nick muttered, pacing, biting his thumb nail. He let out a growl of frustration and jabbed the end call button before dialing another number. He started pacing around the waiting area as doctors and nurses moved around him. “Oh, AJ, finally,” he said breathlessly.

“What’s going on, Nicky? Did some fans find your house again?” AJ asked with a laugh in his voice.

Nick made a face. Because of the fans finding out where he lived he and his ad ended up having to build a fence around their property to keep them out. He didn’t understand why their devotion was so big that they needed to know where he lived. He was flattered by the attention but they were just regular guys, not some Gods. “No. I’m in Canada, actually.”

“Canada, why?”

“Um, it was a stop over to California?” Nick tried,

AJ laughed a mocking laugh. “Yeah right, Nicky, you went to see Dancer, or who you affectionately call Dimples, am I right?” he didn’t give Nick time to answer. “Of course I am because you loooove her.”

“I don’t love her,” Nick snapped. He was tired of AJ getting on his case. They were just friends; he could be friends with a girl couldn’t he? There was no law against it.

“But you like her.”

“No, I don’t. I mean, she’s someone to talk to,” Nick muttered, running a hand through his hair.

“Good, because you know if you fall for her it’ll mess everything up and I’ve worked too hard for you to mess this up for us, Nicky Boy,” AJ growled into Nick’s ear. Nick swallowed the lump in his throat and let out a shaky breath. “And you know the consequences if any of this get out, right?”

“Yeah.” Nick’s voice came out shaky. He hated the power that AJ had over him but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. “I…AJ, why are you doing this? Frick and Kevin are fine with ‘N Sync being around. Howie’s even gotten over it. You’re the only one still pissed. Why?”

AJ stayed silent on his end until he finally spoke. “Listen, Nicky, stay the fuck out of my business! I can do what I want when I want and I want you to win Dancer over and don’t put any strings in the way, got it?”

Nick squeezed his eyes shut. “I…I don’t want to do this for you anymore, AJ. I don’t.”

“Fine. I can just get Lou over there, I’m sure he’d love to hear that you’re wasting your time before tour shoving food into your mouth and getting fatter.”

Nick frowned and lightly placed a hand on his stomach. He couldn’t deny that he was starting to plump up in the middle. “I’m not getting fat,” he sighed.

“Lou would see it my way,” AJ said in a taunting voice.

“If you hate ‘N Sync being our rivals and all why aren’t you doing anything about Mack, huh? She’s the one joining our label, you know.”

“Oh, I know, but she’s not competition,” AJ replied slowly as if talking to a kindergartener. “Remember, Nick, get this done or I’ll talk to Lou and I know you wouldn’t want that.” He laughed. “Actually, I heard he was on his way to Canada right now to check on her.”

Nick’s breath got caught in his throat as his palms started to sweat. “Wh…what?”

“You heard me. I wonder how he’ll react seeing you there. Good luck explaining yourself.” AJ laughed before hanging up. Nick stared at his phone in horror and swallowed hard. “Oh shit,” he muttered.

I wrinkled my nose at the odd medicine-y smell that reached my nose. Last I checked the grocery store smelled more like fabric softener, at least that’s what the aisle I was in smelled like. I blinked and slowly opened my eyes. Through the blurs I saw random colored lights floating around. What the hell? Aliens? I blinked again and lifted my head a bit, letting out a breath when I saw that it was Christmas lights hung around the room. I tried to sit up but let out a grunt of pain in my abdomen. Oh yeah, it felt like my insides exploded before. I must be at the hospital, I recognize that smell. But why am I here? I grabbed the little remote on my bed and pushed a button. The pain wasn’t that bad as the bed moved up so I could see. There were bodies around the room. The Christmas lights weren’t that bright but they were bright enough that I could see.

I turned my head to my left and saw JC sleeping in a chair. He’s going to feel that when he wakes up. He was half in the chair half on the floor; a book was open, pages down, on his chest. I leaned over a bit to see what it was. Chicken Soup for the Soul, my favorite. I scanned the rest of the room and saw Lance sleeping with his phone in his hand, Joey and Kelly were sharing a cot, Chris was sleeping with his back resting up against the wall with Danielle’s head in his lap, and Mom and Dad were sleeping on another cot. I searched for Mike, my mom’s boyfriend, but didn’t see him. Maybe he felt uncomfortable or something, I reasoned. Turning my head to the right I saw Rachael sleeping sideways in her chair, a blanket covering her.

I looked down when I felt pressure on my hand and smiled. Justin was sleeping in the chair next to me, he was leaning forward so his head rested on the side of my bed and he held my right hand in both of his hands. His fingers twitched slightly in his sleep before relaxing.

I looked down and that’s when I noticed the IV sticking in the back of my hand covered in tape. I looked around and saw the machines I was hooked up to and the little clamp that was on my finger. Suddenly everything, everyone felt close, too close. All of a sudden, I felt a tremendous wave of fear for no reason at all. My heart was pounding, my chest hurt, and it was getting harder to breathe.

“Get…get it out!” I muttered, yanking my hand out of Justin’s grip and started scratching at the IV in the back of my other hand. “Get it out! Get this thing outta me! Get it out! Get it out!” I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe; I gotta get out of here! “Get me out! Get me out!”

Shuffling, groans, and yawns filled the air along with a thud and a curse before a light flickered on. Justin sat up and rubbed his eyes and I shoved my hand in his face. “Get it out, please! Get it out of me!” I managed to get out of my mouth as I tried to get my breath. My throat was closing, my chest hurt so badly. Oh my god, was I having a heart attack?

“You gotta calm down,” Justin said over the sound of the beeping machine by my head and my loud gasps of air. He grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eye. “Mackie, you have to calm down. Ok? You’re fine. Take deep breaths.” I tried to take a breath in but it came out as a weird sucking sound. “Come on, you can do it, just take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. There you go, now do it again. Good.”

Suddenly the crushing weight on my chest went away and my breathing went back to normal. I glanced at the door when it opened and a doctor walked in.

“Ah, you’re finally awake,” he said with a kind smile as he walked over to me side. Justin backed out of his way and I kept an eye on him. “You have a wonderful support system,” he commented, looking around the room as the others slowly woke up. “My names Dr. Cartwright. Do you know why you’re here?”

I shook my head. “I remember…being in the grocery store and my stomach hurting. That’s it.” I shrugged.

“Well, your stomach hurting was actually appendicitis,” he replied. I lifted my eyebrows. “The pain you were feeling was bacteria coming through the dying wall of your appendix. We took a look at it to make sure if we had to take it out via a small hole or a large open area and we found that it had ruptured.”

That didn’t sound good. “Meaning?” I questioned.

“You actually had been walking around with a ruptured appendix for a couple of days from the look of it.” He actually smiled. “You must have a very high pain tolerance if you could walk around with a ruptured appendix.”

“That doesn’t explain why it feels like all of my energy has sucked out of me with a vacuum,” I mumbled.

“Yes, well, your body is weak from fighting the infection you acquired. You’re fine now. For the next couple of days take it easy. I’m going to prescribe some antibiotics for you to fight off any traces of the infection that are left. Don’t do anything strenuous for the next couple of weeks, if you feel any pain at all take some painkillers, but no more than two at one time and no more than six in one day. Try not to do much that stretches your stomach muscles, it’ll run a risk of your stitches ripping open.”

“Then…I can’t dance.” It all came rushing at me at once. “And…and I can’t play soccer. And I can’t do gymnastics. And I can’t rollerblade. And I can’t–”

“Let’s just focus on what you can do, sweetie,” Charlotte interrupted me.

“How long have I been here?” I questioned.

“About four hours,” Joey responded from where he was sitting. “The surgery went by pretty fast; it’s just that the anesthesia hadn’t worn off until a few minutes ago.”

“But…but the reception dinner? I didn’t get everything done! Awww, man that means the reception’s gonna be pushed back and everything.”

“Don’t worry, Mamaw took care of it. We flew Lynn in to help us out,” Philippe said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I leaned back against the bed and stared hard at the wall. “I can’t do anything,” I muttered. “I just have to sit around and do nothing?” Charlotte nodded. “I can’t sit around and do nothing! I have to do something!”

“The doctor said you have to take it slow for a bit, until you get your strength back,” JC said. “If that means we have to tie you down to your bed, you’re going to follow his rules.”

I sighed. “Can I go now? I want to go home. I want to see Little J and Oreo.”

“As soon as we talk to the doctor you’re cleared to go. In the meantime you can get changed.”

The guys instantly got up, gave me hugs, and left the room. “Oooh, I hate this.”

“Cheer up, Mackers, now you get to boss the boys around,” Rachael commented.

I grinned at the thought as a nurse came in and took the IV out of my hand. Once I was cleared I swung my legs over the side of the bed. I tried to stand but fell backwards onto the bed in a rush of dizziness. “It’s going to take me a bit to get used to that,” I commented as Kelley and Danielle raced to my side and helped me stand. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Kelley said as she held onto my arm as I reached down to grab my bag of clothes that was left by the bed. “Hey, close the blinds and Danni, guard the door. She’s not going to be able to make it to the bathroom. Rachael swiftly closed the blinds as Danielle closed the door and leaned against it. I said thanks again and quickly changed into my street clothes.

“So where’s JC’s new Barbie doll?” Rachael asked casually.

“Back at the house I’m guessing,” Kelley said as she helped me keep my balance.

“By how much she’s attached to his hip I’m surprised she’s not here.”

“Well, she doesn’t know Mack so…” Danielle pointed out. She paused. “You have a point though.”

“What? She’s clingy or something?” I questioned.

“As clingy as an octopus,” Rachael said dryly. “I’ve never seen anyone that attached before. It’s disgusting. How JC deals with it is beyond me.”

“Hey, if he cares for her that’s all that matters,” Kelley pointed out. Rachael shook her head. “Speaking of, that Nick guy’s in the waiting room.”

“How come he didn’t come in here and wait like you guys?” I questioned, somewhat hurt.

“He said he needed to call someone. I guess he doesn’t feel comfortable around us or something,” Danielle. “I wonder why.”

“Probably because your boyfriend is all over the place all the time,” I responded. She lifted her eyebrows. “It’s not a bad thing; he’s just…in your face a lot. He’s a big kid, how about that? He’s a big kid. Don’t kill me,” I said to her glare. She chuckled and shook her head.

“You just got surgery, I’ll let it slide.”

“Ok, if all of you guys are going to be walking on egg shells around me I’m going to make these next couple of days hell for all of you, Christmas or no Christmas,” I wanted them.

“I’d love to see that, too bad we have to go back home,” Kelley pouted.

“Yeah, I wonder why you’re leaving me with a bunch of idiots,” I muttered. Kelley and Danielle lifted their eyebrows at me. “Whom… I love!” I added.

“Nice save,” Rachael said sarcastically.

“Shut up.”

Kelley stood by my side and helped walk me to the door. Now I know why Joey loves her so much, she’s so selfless. Really she doesn’t know me but she’s willing to take her time to help me out. Joey picked a great woman. Chris did too, Danni’s pretty funny and she knows how to deal with Chris so he has that going for him.

We finally made it to the waiting area of the hospital and I collapsed into a chair out of exhaustion. I don’t know how I was going to get up the stairs to my house if I could barely walk down a freakin’ hallway.

“Hey,” Nick said softly as he walked over to me, his hands shoved into his pockets. “Are you ok?”

“As ok as someone can be after getting their appendix ripped out,” I replied. “Doctor’s say I can’t dance or do anything strenuous for a while. Translated, I can’t do anything for a few days.”

“You’re going to go stir crazy without being able to do anything,” he commented.

“Yeah, well…” I muttered, shrugging, turning away from him.

“Um, I was really worried,” he said, sitting down in the seat next to me. I turned to him and he nodded. “I didn’t know if you had a disease that you were dying from or something.”

“I might as well be dead. Not being able to dance is killing me,” I said with a sigh.

“I wouldn’t want you dead?”

“You’d miss me?”

“I’d miss having someone to talk to, yeah.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” I pointed out. His cheeks tinged red and he was about to say something when Mom came back, announcing that we could leave. She has bad timing sometimes. As I stood I noticed Dad rubbing his arm a bit.

“Did you hit your arm?” I asked him as he came to my side, helping me stand.

“No, I had to get some blood drawn,” he replied.

“Oh? Why?”

“Haven’t had a check up in a while. That’s all.”

I would’ve believed him if he looked at me while saying that.

Have I mentioned how much I hated not being able to do anything? Well, I’m going to say it again. I hate not being able to do anything. I can’t function without being able to do anything. I can’t relax without being able to do anything. I don’t even think I know the definition of the word relax. I’ve been released from the hospital three hours ago and I’ll admit I’m in a pissy mood. Stacey and Ford needed to catch their flight so we moved the reception before dinner and I couldn’t even give them their gift, which was a sort of tribute dance. But no, my appendix decided that it hated me and killed itself so I was stuck sitting in a fucking chair while the others and their girlfriends had the time of their lives. And now I was stuck sitting in the living room watching TV while the others got to play outside in the snow. My fresh, clean, untouched, Canadian snow! Life’s a bitch sometimes.

“Moooooom,” I called. She stuck her head into the living room from the kitchen. “Are you sure I can’t even stir anything?”

“You heard what the doctor said,” she said with a little smile.

“I’m moving my arm. It doesn’t take much energy to move a spoon,” I pointed out.

“Just listen to the doctor. Why don’t you place chess with Mike?”

I made a face. “I’d rather wear pink.”

“Hey, chess is not that bad a game,” Mike’s voice came from the kitchen.

“Coming from you that doesn’t mean much,” I called back. I crossed my arms over my chest and grumbled under my breath. At the end of the couch Nick smiled in sympathy. “Why do bad things happen to me before Christmas?” I asked no one in particular.

“What do you mean?” He questioned.

“Four years ago I fell down the stairs and got a hairline fracture in my leg,” I explained. “Carrying presents no less.” I rolled my eyes. “Three years ago, broke my thumb in a door. Two years ago, got a black eye from a falling bauble. Last year, now this is the kicker, needed stitches from hanging up a wreath on the door.”

“Stitches?” He repeated, looking as if trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, apparently there was some freak wiring sticking out of it. It fell off of the hook I was trying to hang it on. Scratched my knuckles.” I turned my right hand into a fist and held it up in front of his face. He leaned forward, going cross eyed to see. I laughed a bit at the expression on his face. A person going cross-eyed always makes me laugh for some reason. I let my head fall back and groaned. “God I’m so bored.” I looked at Nick. “How long are you staying?” Oops, I guess that was a little rude.

“You invited me for dinner, remember?” He laughed, lightly knocking on my forehead. I wrinkled my nose and swatted his hand away. “But I’m not going to leave you here by yourself if that’s what you’re asking.”

“My boys aren’t rude or anything for leaving me,” I said, slightly offended. “I don’t want them being in here with me when they can have fun outside.

“Well, they’re missing out on the best fun inside with you. They just don’t know it.” He patted my knee and stood. I felt a jolt in my knee. I was about to contemplate it when Nick tripped over Oreo who had dashed into the room and landed on his side to avoid landing on my puppy. He got to his feet as I laughed.

“Nice moves, Twinkle Toes,” I laughed.

He scratched his neck. “I meant to do that,” he said.

“Right, just like I meant to make my appendix explode and leave me stuck on this couch watching nothing but game shows.” I waved my arm at the TV where some contestants on Wheel of Fortune were being idiots, as usual. “Its honey roasted peanut butter!” I yelled at the screen as the contestants continued to get stumped on the Before and After puzzle. I groaned at their stupidity.

“You need a better hobby,” Nick said from the floor, holding onto Oreo’s front paws so he was standing on his back legs.

“Yelling at idiots is more fun though,” I replied, picking my nails. He shot me a look that I caught out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head when I heard a thud at the window above my head. I looked up to see Justin’s and Rachael’s faces pressed against the window, making grotesque faces.

“Hey Lynn,” I called, flipping them off.

“Yes, sweetie?” She called back.

“Your son and niece are on my People to Kill List,” I informed her.

“Ok, just try not to get blood on your hands before dinner.”

I chuckled and then winced at the pain in my side. “Great, I can’t even laugh now. Is this some sort of punishment from God for making fun of the all of the time? I’ll stop if the pain will go away. I promise.”

“That promise won’t last long,” Mike commented, leaning against the doorway.

“Says my biggest critic aside from myself,” I pointed out. He shrugged and smiled as I managed to sit up, freezing a bit as I waited for the dizziness to go away. “How’s Dad?” I asked him.

“He’s fine,” he responded slowly. “Why, are you waiting for his face to fall off or something?”

“No, but I’m waiting for the mask to come off yours, your real face can’t be as ugly as that one,” I shot back.

“At least it’s not as ugly as your personality,” he said in a sing song voice before smiling innocently. I flipped him off. “Your Dad’s cool, I might hire him to take photos for our new Ad You think he’d be into that?”

“Totally. Dad’s up for anything, nature’s his thing usually but Ads are his other specialty. He has a good eye for that stuff.” I swung my legs to the side of the couch and slowly got to my feet, holding my side. “This must be a punishment for something I did, I just don’t know what.”

“I don’t think what you did matters, I think it’s just you,” Nick joked from where Oreo was running around him and he tried to grab his tail.

‘Don’t make me throw a shoe at you,” I warned him. “I never miss.”

“So, let’s see the stitches,” Mike said in an excited tone.

“And have you guys stare at my stomach all night long? No thank you,” I responded. “When’s dinner?”

“Now,” Charlotte called from the kitchen. “Go get the others for me, please, honey.”

“I’ll get them,” Nick said, standing before I even had a chance to move. He walked over to the door, pulled it open and yelled, “Hey guys, it’s time for dinner!” Mike and I flinched when about five snowballs were flung his way and hit him in the chest and face before he tore out the door, screams filling the air.

“So, what makes him so special?” Mike asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Whoever said anything about him being special?” I questioned.

“Well, you neither confirmed nor denied it yet your defensiveness just confirmed it for me.”

“You and your freaky Jedi mind tricks,” I muttered.

“Learn soon, you shall,” Mike said in a freaky Yoda imitation. “You better hurry and choose your spot before the others come.”

“I gotta go to the bathroom first; it doesn’t matter where I sit.”

“Do you need help getting there?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not a–”

“Porcelain Doll,” Mike interrupted me.

“I say that a lot huh?”

“More than you breathe.”

“Ha ha.”

After doing my business I went into the kitchen to see a lot of chairs around the table. I looked at Mom with raised eyebrows and she just shrugged, smiling a little. This was going to be a tight fit. Whoever sits next to me is going to hate it; I’m all elbows when I eat. I walked over to Dad who was sitting at the head of the table, as usual, and put a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me and rubbed my hand. “Are you ok, Daddy?” I asked.

“I’m fine, Gorgeous, I should be asking you that question. How’re you feeling?” He asked, looking up at me.

“I’ve been better, I’ll admit that,” I said with a laugh. “Sometimes it feels like a raccoon is trying to claw its way out of my side and sometimes it feels fine. I’m more worried about conditioning afterwards.”

Dad groaned. “Sweetie, I don’t want you to jump back into your training regime once you’re cleared to start working again.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, at least not for long. I go off to New York to meet with the Jive people once January rolls around, remember?” I said, lightly flicking his ear. “Not only that but Ben and I are staring some press stuff for the movie.”

“Ben?” Dad repeated.

“Ben Affleck, remember, he played my dad in the movie,” I said with a tiny nudge to his shoulder. “How people are going to believe that is beyond me, I mean we don’t look anything alike, not even close.”

“That part won’t matter, it’ll be how you bring your character to life, which you won’t have trouble with, you’re a drama queen anyway.” I gasped as he laughed. “You know I wouldn’t say that without affection.” He gave my hand a squeeze and smiled. “I’m proud of you, you know. You’re only sixteen and you’re all ready achieving so much.”

My eyebrows slid together. “Thanks, Dad, but why are you talking like that?”

“Like what?” He asked. “I just want to tell my daughter how proud I am. Is that a crime?”

“No but…” I didn’t get a chance to finish my sentence when everyone trooped in. Mamaw sat on Dad’s left, Momma on Dad’s right, Mike next to her. Everyone else filled in random spots at the table and I ended up in between Justin and Joey, across from Chris.

“It’s about time!” Justin sighed, reaching for a roll.

Quick as a snake Lynn slapped the back of his hand and said in a warning tone, “Justin Randall!” Justin muttered an apology and sat back in his chair as we snickered.

Bobbie lifted an eyebrow. “Your middle name is Randall?” She questioned, a snide tone was in her voice accompanied with a wrinkled nose.

“Uh oh,” I muttered.

“Oh boy,” Rachael whispered, lowering his head at an angle.

Justin’s nostrils flared as he glared across the table at Bobbie as JC shook his head. “I was named after my father.”

She just shrugged and leaned back in her seat as JC said something into her ear. Under the table I rested my hand on top of Justin’s clenched fist and gave it a little squeeze. It took a few seconds for him to unclench his fist and relax his posture.

“Ok, if someone would like to say a prayer before we eat,” Charlotte said quickly as Mamaw glanced around at everyone.

“May I?” Justin asked.

“Go ahead.”

Justin and Joey grasped my hands and I looked around to make sure everyone had each other’s hands. Bobbie looked down at Nick’s hand before finally taking his. He barely had a grasp on her fingers. He shot a look at me and I shrugged, closing my eyes and lowering my head as Justin said the prayer.

Once he said “Amen” chatter filled the table as arms shot out to grab at food before someone else could. Mamaw sat at the end of the table, criticizing both Mike and Philippe as Charlotte and Lynn talked about whatever it was that grown women talk about.

“So, Danielle, what do you do?” Bobbie asked over the chatter.

“I’m in the fashion industry,” Danielle replied. “Mainly merchandising but sometimes I get lucky enough to work in textile or I get to be a stylist for a day.”

“That’s so cool,” Bobbie said with wide eyes.

“What do you do?” Kelly questioned.

“I work for a few magazines,” she said with a shrug. “Mainly giving advice from normal everyday situations that teens write in but I also give advice on fashion and makeup and do-it-yourself projects.”

“Is it just me or does she sound a little braggy?” Justin whispered into my ear. I lightly elbowed him in the side and tried to hide my smile. He was right; it was as if she was trying too hard to impress us for one reason or another.

The girls continued talking about their jobs and what they’ve experienced with their jobs as the guys stayed strangely quiet. Even Rachael wasn’t talking, which was unusually weird of her. She’s jumping down someone’s throat, trying to pry into their business or talking about something she saw on TV or heard on the radio.

“So…what’re we doing tomorrow?” Chris asked with a full mouth, spraying bits of food across the table.

“Chris, stop!” Danielle laughed.

“Wha’? Am I bein’ ru’e?” Chris asked, chewing with his mouth wide open as Joey, Justin and I laughed.

“No you’re being…” Danielle paused to stuff food into her mouth. “Stooooopid,” she finished, spraying food into his face.

“Ugh! Danielle, we’re at dinner hosted by our very good friends, be more polite why don’t you?” He joked; wiping his face with his napkin as Danielle lightly hit him on the arm.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” I looked up and noticed Lynn looking at me. “Not hungry?” I glanced down at my plate. I barely even noticed I hadn’t eaten anything.

“I guess not,” I responded, pushing my plate away and looking around, noticing that the others were half finished.

“You didn’t eat much lunch either,” Justin added.

“How could I? I didn’t get to eat anything because my appendix decided to explode. It’s no wonder I’m so skinny,” I commented, pushing back my chair. Conversations stopped as they all looked at each other. “Geeze, relax people.” I turned to Mom. “I’m going to use the bathroom and then I’ll get the dishes.”

“You don’t have to, just relax,” she said, eyeing me in that suspicious way she had, as if I were taking drugs or something.

“I don’t know the meaning of the word, apparently. Mom, I think I can move a sponge without keeling over in pain.” I rolled my eyes.

“Ok, but don’t forget that Johnny and Lou are coming over.”

I froze. “What?” I demanded.

“Don’t use that tone with your mother,” Mamaw scolded.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

“Didn’t I tell you? Johnny said he was coming over to see how you’re feeling and talk to you about some things. I guess Lou wanted to talk to you as well.”

I could feel my stomach churning at the sound of Lou’s name. “Excuse me.” I pushed in my chair and walked out of the kitchen, up the tiny flight of stairs that led to a long hallway. Man, you say one thing and they’re looking at me as if I announced I had cancer or something.

I managed to get to the bathroom before I toppled over from exhaustion. Those doctors weren’t kidding when they said that the infection and the surgery and everything would take a lot out of me. I could barely even make it up the stairs let alone across the freaking room. I avoided looking into the mirror as long as possible knowing that I’d look like Hell, and I was right. Under my eyelids the skin was a little bit darker than the rest and my face had an overall tired look to it, like I had gone to Hell and back, at least that’s what I felt.

Letting out a long breath I managed to pull my t-shirt off over my head, only wincing slightly. I let out another breath, grasped the bottom of my tank top, and lifted the hem until I finally saw the stitches. The area around it was an angry red color, a little swollen. Black stitches were intertwined through it, popping against my pale skin.

A knock sounded at the door and before I could even say anything the door swung open. “Don’t you know it’s rude to…” my words died in my throat. “What’re you doing here?” I demanded, cursing myself at easily trapping myself in the small room.

“I heard about your appendix,” Lou replied. His eyes drifted down to my exposed stitches and I dropped my hands, keeping a firm grip on my shirt.

“I’ll scream,” I warned him.

“The only thing that’ll do is make your friends and family think you’re starving for attention,” he replied closing the door behind himself, practically filling the room just by standing there. “Which you are, in a way. I mean, no one gets sick nearly as much as you do.” A gross smiled formed on his face. “Now, be a good little girl and let me see your stitches.” I have to make sure they’re healing perfectly.”

I grabbed the closest thing to me, a bar of soap, and threw it at him, he dodged out of the way and I rushed towards the door. He grabbed my ponytail and I yelped at the hard tug on my head. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me back against him, I fought to get out of his grasp but he was significantly stronger than I was.

“Just calm down, I won’t hurt you,” he said into my ear. I flailed as much as I could but I could feel my energy, or lack thereof, draining. I squeezed my eyes shut when I felt his big fingers poke at my stitches. I squeezed my eyes shut at the pain that exploded in my side every time he put pressure on them. The hand that was holding my hair in a tight grip let go and rested on my shoulder. “They’re still tender, I see.”

“What do you expect, I just got them done!” I managed to get out, loosening my tongue from its tied state. With a swift jerk I felt a hard tug on the back of my head. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes. “Please, just get out. I won’t tell anyone, please just go.”

“Now how can I believe that when you just threatened me a few minutes ago?” He questioned, pressing harder into my stitches. “You know, you’re very beautiful...” I could feel the bile in my stomach working its way up my throat as he tugged on the strap of my tank top. “For a developing girl.” My breath got caught in my throat as he started to pull the material of the tank top away from my chest. I twisted my head and bit down on his hand. He let out a groan of pain before grabbing the back of my head. I couldn’t move as he forced my head down against the side of the sink. He let me go and I grabbed my forehead, crumpling to the ground as it throbbed with pain and stars exploded in my eyes. I curled into a ball on my side, trying to get away from him.

Please, please, go away. Just leave me alone and go away! I tried to get my breath back as I heard the door open and felt the sharp edge dig into my spine before it closed again. I grabbed onto the little rug and managed to get to my t-shirt. I had pulled it down over my head when the door swung open and Justin burst in quickly followed by Dad and Lynn.

“BabyGirl, what happened? Lou said something about hearing a thud,” Justin said as he knelt by my side. His eyes instantly glued to my forehead and he pushed my bangs out of the way, whistling. “That’ll be one bruise.”

“What happened?” Dad asked, taking my hand and helping me to my feet.

“I, uh, lost my balance and hit my head,” I said, rubbing the sore spot. I winced and I barely even touched the skin. Great, just great.

“Come to the kitchen, sweetheart, you’re going to need some ice on that,” Lynn said. “Maybe take you to the doctor in the morning, just to be sure,” she added as we descended the stairs.

“No!” I said, shaking my head. Justin gave me a look. “I’m sure it’s nothing. I’m just clumsy.”

“I’ve never heard of a dancer who’s clumsy,” he commented. I stopped briefly on the stairs and looked at him. Something in his tone was weird, too curious maybe. He stopped at the top and leaned against the handrail a bit, staring at me, as if daring me to say something. I tore away from his gaze and followed Lynn and Dad into the kitchen where Johnny as talking to Mom, Mike, and Mamaw.

“Oh my goodness, what happened?” Momma gasped when she saw me.

“I got a little dizzy and I hit my head,” I responded. “I just need some ice and I’ll be fine.”

“Stubborn as usual I see,” Johnny commented, getting out of his chair. “When you get older do we have to put you in a psyche ward, Little Lady?”

“Last I checked being headstrong wasn’t a mental problem, it’s just a stubborn problem.”

“Well, it’s taken over your mentality so…”

I tried to kick him from where I was standing but even as my leg was stretched out the entire way it wasn’t close enough to do any damage to him. I almost fell over when Lynn pressed the ice pack against my forehead and some aspirin into my hand. I popped the aspirin into my mouth and swallowed them quickly, gagging slightly at the bitter taste.

“Well, it’s been a long night and I’m tired. Not only me, but the baby is as well,” Mom said getting to her feet, holding onto her stomach.

“I’ll clean the dishes, Momma,” I told her, putting down my ice pack.

“Thanks sweetie, goodnight.” She gently kissed my forehead and, with the help of Dad and Mike, went up the stairs, Lynn followed. Huh, and before Dad hated Mike. I wonder what’s with the sudden change.

“Where’s Lou?” I questioned Johnny which I hoped was in a nonchalant voice.

“Waiting in the car. We need to head out and make sure things are ready for the Backstreet Boys’ tour,” Johnny responded. “Which reminds me, tell Nick that he can’t skirt away from his duties much longer.”

“The underlying meaning to that sentence isn’t needed,” I pointed out.

Johnny merely looked at me innocently. “Stay in one piece for me, kid.”

“I’m going to lose little pieces of my sanity working with these guys but I’ll do my best,” I responded with a smirk. He laughed, gave a little wave and left the kitchen, moving through the living room, and out the front door. Chuckling a bit, I turned to the sink and made a face at all of the dishes that sat there waiting to be washed. Sighing, I reached up to tighten my ponytail and froze when I gently touched the sore spot underneath the hair tie. Yanking it out I threw it over my shoulder, not bothering to look where it landed before turning on the water and filling the sink.

I had my elbows in the water when Bobbie came into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator, moving things around as if looking for something. “What are you looking for?” I asked without turning around.

“Do you have any beer or wine?” She asked, standing, closing the refrigerator.

“Why?” I questioned, squirting so much soap on a plate it looked like a blue puddle.

“Well, Josh and I want to make our night together special so…” I rolled my eyes at the gushiness in her voice.

“No,” I stated.

“Um, what’re you saying no to?”

“No to there being any extra beer or wine; even if there were my parents wouldn’t let you have it and no to you thinking about being in the same room as JC,” I responded, making a face at the image that appeared in my head as I scrubbed at a plate, trying to scrub away the image. “No one is sharing a room in this house with the exception of Mom and Dad…er, Mom and Mike, ugh, whoever and Mom and Justin and Rachael.”

“Why are they so special?” She demanded.

I paused and looked at her. “Because they’re cousins,” I replied.

“Look, you’re only fifteen, right?” She asked, suddenly appearing by my side.

“Sixteen,” I corrected her, resisting the urge to turn the spray hose on her.

“Right, sixteen, sweetie, you’re still young, you don’t understand the feeling of when someone loves someone else. I, however, am twenty-four, and I know that I love Josh and I haven’t be able to see him in a while and I just want to–”

“I may be young but I’m not stupid, sweetie.” I gripped the edge of the sink so hard my fingers were staring to turn white, er, whiter than they all ready were. “This is my home and, as I said, I don’t want anyone sharing a room. Understand?”

She huffed. “You’re being really immature about this.”

“I said no! Which part of that do you not understand?” I spat, turning to her. I could wring her neck right here, I really could. I didn’t care if anyone saw or I went to jail for it, she was so damn selfish. I punched at the water, flinching slightly when it shot up into the air. I brushed past her, bumping her in the process, and stomped up the stairs. I paused at the little opening in the hallway that created a balcony over the living room when I heard her complaining to JC about how I “freaked out” over nothing. The bitch.

Suddenly a weight pressed down on my chest and I found it hard to breathe. I rushed into my room, and then into my bathroom, leaning against the cool door as I tried to grab my breath. It only came out as wheezes as the weight started crushing down on me. I flung open the door to the medicine cabinet and searched for the small white box.

I stood on my tiptoes and knocked it off of the shelf. I jumped back as the contents tumbled out: a few alcohol pads, some folded tissues, and the object I was looking for. I picked the razor blade up off of the floor and ripped open an alcohol pad, rubbing it against the blade. I may be doing something crazy but I wasn’t stupid, I didn’t want an infection or anything like that. I slide the blade across my wrist, marveling at how easily it passed over my skin as the blood bubbled to the surface. All at once the crushing weight on my chest released its hold and I let out a long breath as the blood started to slowly slide down my wrist.

I jumped when I heard knocking on my bedroom door. Groaning, I shuffled around; picking up the contents and shoving them back into the box. I ran my arm under the water, wincing slightly at the sting on my new cut. I dabbed at my cut as best as I could and rushed into my bedroom, searching for a different shirt. I grabbed the first one I could find–Lance’s gray Taz shirt (which he doesn’t know I have)–swapped shirts, and opened the door.

“What?” I questioned, tilting my head back a bit to look at Nick’s face. If there was any time I hated being short it was now.

“I just wanted to see if you’re ok,” he replied.

“I’m fine. I’m tired. I want to go to sleep,” I replied, closing the door. He shoved his foot in the way and stopped the door. “Nick–”

“I know,” he said from the other side of the door.

“If you really did then you’d let me sleep,” I shot back.

“No, I mean…” he lowered his voice. “About Lou, I know about Lou.”

I stared at the door before pulling it back open. “What’re you talking about?” I demanded, backing up so he could come into the room. With a push I closed the door but Oreo and Little J managed to get in before the door closed. Little J jumped onto my lap, moved in a circle a bit before laying down, resting his chin on his front paws. Oreo kept jumping up, trying to lick Nick’s face. It was cute. “Nickolas Gene Carter–”

“You know my full name? Where’d you hear it? TV shows? Interviews? Magazines perhaps?” He questioned.

“So I’ve looked at a magazine here and there, big deal,” I mumbled, feeling the area across my nose flame. I always blushed there first, like some sort of anime character; I get sun burnt there first too.

“So you are a fan of our work. Tell me, was it before you met us or after you worked for us?”

“Does it matter?” I snapped. “What do you mean you know about Lou? What’re you talking about?”

He paused, looking down at Oreo, before looking at the closed door and then looking at me. My heart squeezed when I saw the pain in his eyes. My heart pounded in my ears as I waited for him to continue talking. “After he got here he was talking to us then he randomly asked where you were. It was about, I don’t know, five minutes until he finally came back down, saying something about you hitting your head? Yeah, I remember hearing a thud.” It took me a second to realize he was talking to himself more than me. “He gives little excuses to check on you all the time. Wants to make sure you’re eating right or you have the right aura. Wants to come across as he’s taking care of you, like a good surrogate father should. Tells you not to tell anyone else what’s going on because he doesn’t want the others jealous of your special treatment.” He laughed bitterly. “The funny thing is that the signs are all there but everyone’s too blind to notice so you have to suffer alone.”

“Nick…” I couldn’t get anything out other than his name. My eyes must’ve been speaking volumes because he nodded slowly, a small sad smile on his face.

“I go through the same thing,” he admitted softly. “He…he touches me too.”

December 21st, 1998

I rubbed my eyes as I descended the stairs the next morning. Note to self: don’t stay up to 2:30 talking, especially when you’re telling yourself that you’re tired. After Nick’s confession I didn’t get to sleep right away, we talked for a while, mainly about if we told someone else and if we thought we could. I guess talking put me to sleep ‘cause the next thing I knew I was beating Nick up for snoring so loudly. I swear it was like a bear was in my room.

As soon as I stood my head started to throb. That’s what I get for not getting much sleep. I needed to kill Nick later. Rubbing my forehead I took the stairs down into the kitchen and went in search for some painkillers.

“Morning.” I turned and saw JC sitting at the table with Bobbie. The strong smell of coffee made my stomach turn. Lou’s breath always smelled like stale coffee…I shook my head, mumbled a greeting and continued my search for the damn elusive painkillers. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I just have a headache. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I replied, finally finding the bottle of painkillers. I sat back on the counter and tried to twist open the top but it wouldn’t budge. Huh, I must be more tired than I thought.

“I’ll bet,” Bobbie muttered.

I paused and looked up at her as she sipped her coffee. “What are you talking about?” Really, I didn’t have time for this. I still had lights to put up.

“I mean, you said that we couldn’t have anyone of the opposite gender in our bedroom yet you’re all fine with having Nick spend the night in your room,” she replied, setting her coffee mug down on the table as JC pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re being a hypocrite.”

“Yet my intention wasn’t to bump uglies with him which––I’m sure and thankful that––I stopped you two from doing,” I replied, trying to open the cap again. “And we fell asleep talking, which I don’t know why I’m explaining this to you when it’s none of your business.”

“It’s my business when you’re being a hypocrite.”

“What’s it matter? You can have sex with JC anytime you want just not in my house. Either you’re desperate or JC’s that good in bed if you can’t wait a few days but judging how annoyed you are my best bet’s the first one.” I finally yanked the top off the painkillers off and watched as they flew out of the bottle and landed on the ground. “Great,” I muttered.

“Mack,” JC said in a strange tone.

I looked at him and noticed the look on his face. “Sorry, I guess I insulted you there,” I said, dropping to my knees, rushing to pick up the aspirin. If Little J and Oreo were in the kitchen they’d eat their “treats” before I had a chance to pick them all up. “Where are Kelly and the others?”

“They had an early flight so they left.”

“Wait, what time is it?” I turned and searched for the clock. My eyes rested on the blue numbers on the microwave. 11:36. Whoa, I slept later than usual. “Oh. Did they say anything?”

“Yeah, Danni said as soon as you get to New York to stop by their apartment.”

“Oh, ok. Are you hungry? I can make breakfast really quick.”

“Lynn already made something before she left, but that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” he replied.

“Left? Where’d she go?” I tossed the painkillers into the trashcan and washed my hands.

“She went to the hospital with your mom, dad, grandmother, and Mike.”

“Why? Is everything ok?” I turned and looked at him in time to see him exchange a look with Bobbie. It was one of those looks, the look that you knew that something was wrong. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. “What’s wrong?”

“Honeybee, you’re going to want to sit down,” he said gently.

“I’m fine standing. What’s wrong?” I demanded.

He let out a slow breath and held my gaze as Bobbie squeezed his hand. Somehow I kept the bile in my stomach down. The two have been dating for what, two months?, and all ready they were at the hand-holding-sympathy stage. “Your mother was admitted to the hospital this morning because of…” he made a face as if searching for the right word. “Complications,” he finally said.

I lifted my eyebrows. “Liiiike?”

“Just say it, there’s no point in prolonging it,” Bobbie urged him.

JC nodded. “Your mother was admitted to the hospital because she had a miscarriage.” Time stopped. Everything stopped. I swear my heart even stopped for a moment as I let JC’s words sink in. No, no. no! Not again! I couldn’t even get anything to come out of my mouth, I was frozen. “She’s fine,” he added. As if that’s going to make me feel any better. “The doctor’s say she’s healthy. She should be back later today. But, um, there’s something else.” No, I don’t think I can take anything else. “Um, your dad got his blood tests back. He, uh, he has Lukemia.”

“Ok,” I muttered. Of all the things I could get out of my mouth it was ‘ok’? I swear I could hear my world crashing around me. “Ok,” I repeated, turning to leave the room. I had to get out of here fast. I could feel the dam behind my eyes started to break. I broke into a run when I heard a chair scraping against the floor, JC no doubt. I managed to get up the stairs and I closed the door with much more force than necessary. Nick shot straight up, yelling something about ‘Brian’ and not ‘his fault’. I ignored him as I moved around my room trying to find my shoes and my wallet. Nick watched me curiously as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, yawning in the process. I paused only to smile a little bit at the state his hair was in. It was sticking out all over the place as if he had stuck his finger in a light socket. “When’s your flight?” I asked him, finally finding my vans under the bed.

“Not until four something, why?” He asked as I darted into the closet and grabbed a pair of jeans and a black and white striped shirt.

“Get dressed, we’re going somewhere,” I instructed, shutting myself in the bathroom and locking the door. I leaned against it and tried to steady my breath. My heart tried to beat its way out of my ribcage as I listened to Nick moving around in my room. My mind was racing at the speed of light. My brother or sister is dead. My dad has cancer. And Nick had to leave me alone to deal with all of this. I didn’t want him to go, then I’d have to go back to dealing with the looks of sympathy and pity from the guys again. He was good at blocking those looks, I had fun with him, with the others nowadays…let’s just say I find myself wanting to be by myself than be with them more often than not. And Nick…Nick understood me, he got me and didn’t bother questioning my logic or why I do what I do. I know I can always just talk to him on the phone like I always did but it wasn’t the same. Being around him…it felt like nothing could touch me and now I had to face reality again? Life sucks.

I quickly changed into my clothes and stepped out of the bathroom, tossing my dirty clothes into the hamper. I watched as Nick jumped around trying to get his other leg into his jeans. Little J and Oreo woke up at the commotion and started running around him, yipping happily. He finally lost his balance and fell over with a thud. “You never cease to amuse me,” I stated.

“That’s what I’m here for,” he groaned, buttoning his pants and sitting up. “Where are we going?”

“Does it really matter?”

He paused a bit before shaking his head. “Not really.”

“That’s what I thought.” I scooped up Little J and Oreo and managed to open the door without dropping them. I went back down the stairs into the kitchen where Bobbie and JC were still sitting, talking quietly. They immediately clammed up and looked at me as I scooped food into their bowls. “Do you mind? I’d rather only have five holes in my head, not nine,” I said without turning to look at them, quickly scribbling a note on the refrigerator’s notepad.

“Do you want to talk?” JC asked.

“Well, the longer you talk the more I’m going to tune you out so it really wouldn’t be effective,” I replied, truthfully. “I should be back in about an hour, two tops.”

“Where are you going?”

“Why?” I demanded, stopping at the edge of the area that the kitchen connected with the living room.

“Just tell me,” he sighed.

“No, it’s none of your business,” I replied, turning to get away from him.

He jumped in front of me and put his hands on my shoulders, stopping me. “I know you’re upset with all the things that have been happening lately but you can’t just run away.”

“Don’t touch me!” I snapped and he immediately dropped his hands and backed away. I let in a long breath slowly clenching my hands into fists. “Don’t go off on him. He’s only trying to help,” I whispered to myself. Yeah, but he’s getting on your nerves trying to get all parent-y, her inner voice told her. “I just want to go shopping.” You could’ve thought of a better lie. I mentally kicked myself.

“Shopping?” Apparently he didn’t think it was a good one either. “Mack, you hate shopping.”

“The girls say it’s therapeutic so I figured I’d give it a shot,” I replied, scratching my neck.

“Either way you should go with someone. Wake Justin.”

“JC, I’m sixteen, and this is my home. I know where I’m going and you don’t have to treat me like a baby. I’m fine, no I don’t want to talk, and yes, I’m sure,” I rattled off, answering the usual questions he asks me. I hated seeing the hurt look in his eyes but he had to understand that I didn’t want to talk to any of those guys just yet. Silently he nodded and moved out of my way. “Thank you.” I walked past him and went to the door, grabbing my beanie off of the coat rack as Nick came up behind me. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” he replied, zipping his jacket.

“Go where?” Joey asked suddenly, putting down the newspaper he was readying. I didn’t even notice him sitting on the couch.

“Shopping,” I replied.

“Hey now, you know you can’t go shopping without me. Without me you wouldn’t look as fabulous as you do now,” he said, standing.

“Fine,” I growled through clenched teeth before yanking the door open.

“Hey, um, is something wrong? I mean, aside from the o-obvious,” Nick stuttered slightly, following me out the door and to the cars. I didn’t respond. “I know something’s bothering you,” he called from behind me. I kept walking. He gently grabbed my elbow. “Remember while you were on tour? Whenever you got overwhelmed or you wanted to talk about anything or nothing? Remember who was there to all hours in the night potentially risking Kevin’s wrath just to make sure you could sleep ok? Well, I’m here now; you don’t have to talk to me through a phone. What’s going on?”

Uh oh. I could feel the dam cracking again. “I just found out…that my mom miscarried again and my dad has Leukemia.” I said it so quietly I could barely even hear it myself so I was surprised that he caught him. His mouth dropped open slightly.

“Oh, Mack, I’m so sorry,” he said as he put a hand on my shoulder. I flinched slightly but didn’t move. His hand wasn’t heavy, like Lou’s, or loose like the guys’. It was…perfect. “If it’s any consolation…things always get worse before they get better.”

“I think I’ve hit bottom,” I admitted, sighing, my breath coming out as smoke in front of me. I couldn’t help but smile at the cloud. I remember when I was younger when I would come up here I’d always pretend I was a dragon. Man, years sure do fly.

“The farther you fall the higher you’ll fly.”

I tried to stifle it but I burst out laughing. “You sound like a fortune cookie.”

“I’ve been told that. It’s what I get for being the oldest.” His smile faded but the light in his eyes remained. “Do you want a hug?” He asked then quickly added, “Not that it can really change things but–

“Sure. I could use one.” He paused and smiled. Something in that smile was different, his eyes were different, I couldn’t put my finger on it. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his waist. I stiffened involuntarily when he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him but I relaxed when he squeezed gently. He’s exactly a foot taller than me so I rested my head on his shoulder right by his neck and, to my surprise, he rested his chin on top of my head.

It wasn't uncomfortable, surprisingly. In fact this was the most at peace I felt in a while. I could hear the soft murmur of his heartbeat and she tightened her arms around him and he responded by doing the same.

“Am I interrupting?” Joey asked with an amused smile.

“You’re not funny,” I said, backing away from Nick and grabbing the keys out of Joey’s hand. The cold wind hit my unusually warm cheeks as I unlocked the car door and got in, turning on the car and quickly buckling myself.

“So, Canada, are you that cold or are your cheeks red from something else?” Joey asked as he got into the passenger side and buckled up.

“Stuff it, Joseph!” I mumbled, backing the car out of the driveway as he smirked.

 ----

“You said we were going shopping.”

“And you thought I actually told the truth!?”

“Yes!”

“Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, you don’t know me at all. Now come on, a few hours in here isn’t going to kill you.” I rolled my eyes as I pulled open the door to the hair salon. A ding rang throughout the place as the heat instantly warmed my cheeks and face.

“Abbey Road!” I called, hanging up my hat and my coat as Joey and Nick looked around.

“Macaroni and Cheese!” A voice called from a backroom.

“Do you know everyone in this city?” Joey asked lifting an eyebrow.

Before I could responded strong arms wrapped around me and a kiss was planted on my forehead. “Whoa, look who…hasn’t grown,” the woman chuckled.

I rolled my eyes again. “Thanks for pointing out that I’m vertically challenged.” I turned to Joey and Nick. “Joe, Nick, this is my aunt Abbey. Abbey, these are my friends Joey and Nick.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Abbey said with a heavy accent, shaking their hands. She paused and squinted at Nick who’s eyes shifted under her gaze. “I’ve seen you somewhere before,” she mused, putting a finger to her ruby red lips.

“Uh, well, I’m in a band,” Nick said as he took his hand back and scratched his neck.

“He’s in the Backstreet Boys, Abby,” I filled in as she continued to tap her lips.

“Ohhh! I was wondering where I saw that cute face.” She turned and winked at me. “You have good taste in men.”

“He’s my friend, that’s all,” I said grabbing her arm. I dropped my voice and rubbed my arms more out of habit than being cold. “Did you hear about Dad?” I figured she would by now, seeing as she was his sister.

She bit her lip and nodded. “Charlotte called earlier this morning. I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to him yet, not that he’d want to. You know how stubborn he gets.”

“Yeah, I’ve been told that’s where I get my stubbornness from,” I replied. “Anyway, I was hoping you’d be able to squeeze me in. I need something different. Black is boring,” I said motioning to my hair.

“What did you have in mind, Macintosh?”

“I was thinking everything midnight blue rinse? That way it’s black but blue in a certain light.”

She put her hands on her hips. “That’s kinda drastic, don’t you think?”

“Abbey, I just got through a ruptured appendix and my world falling apart. This isn’t all that drastic.”

She shrugged. “Ok. Is that it?”

“No.” I turned to Nick and smiled innocently at him and he knitted his eyebrows together. “He’s getting a haircut.”

Abbey looked him over. “Good eye.”

 ----

“What!?” Lance, Chris, and Justin exclaimed.

JC nodded. “They called this morning.”

“Man. She must think her world’s falling apart,” Lance sighed, running a hand through his blond hair. Justin and Chris stayed silent, staring hard at the kitchen table that they were gathered around. The only other sound were Bobbie’s fingernails as they tapped against the table. She held her chin in her palm and rolled her eyes. “What can we do?”

“Aside from standing back and watching her slowly pull herself away again, nothing,” Justin mumbled. “Aside from letting her know, once again, that we’re here for her.” He had a slight edge to his voice. Chris glanced at Lance who shrugged.

“Why don’t we…make her lunch or dinner depending on when they get back?” Lance suggested. “Or we can just skip that and make her favorite cake. Something to cheer her up a bit. It’s Christmas; we’re supposed to be in good spirits, right?”

“That’s a good idea, Lance,” JC said, rubbing his chin. He then made a face and looked at Bobbie. “Sorry, sweetie, we’re going to have to cancel our walk around town.”

“You’re going to skip spending time with me to make a cake?” She asked, making sure she understood what he was saying. Chris gave out some lame excuse about needing to find a sock and enlisting Justin’s and Lance’s help, dragging them out of the room by their shirts.

“I sense a problem,” JC stated.

“Of course there’s a problem,” Bobbie replied. “Ever since I got here you haven’t been paying attention to me at all. You’ve let some…kid dictate what we can do here! I can’t even be in the same room with you without feeling like I’m breaking some sort of rule.”

“This isn’t my house, Bobbie,” JC said slowly. “She’s letting us use it and I don’t want to step past any boundaries or she won’t let us up here again. You should really be more thankful ‘cause, technically, you weren’t invited up here.”

Bobbie gently ran a hand up his arm. “But you invited me.”

“Right, but the guys’ girlfriends were here because she invited them and she knows them.” He sighed and rubbed his temples. “Bobbie, she’s in a bad place right now and I want to be there for her. I promised Lynn that I would look out for her when neither she nor Mrs. D could.”

“But pushing me out of the way for her? She’s a kid, Josh, just a kid. The other guys can take care of her, what makes you so special for the job?” Bobbie sighed. JC merely shrugged. “Sweetie, I just wanted to spend our first Christmas together,” she said, trailing her finger across his lips.

He gently grasped her finger and kissed the pad. “And maybe that’s the problem.” She looked at him in confusion.

----

“Well? What do you think?” I asked as I bounced on my toes. Joey continued to look at me with that stunned look on his face. “Oh no. You hate it don’t you? It’s so bad, isn’t it? Oh, I knew it was too dark.” I grabbed the ends of my hair and held it in front of my face. “Maybe I should’ve gone with the streaks again? Or maybe it should’ve been lighter. Ohhh, why didn’t you talk me out of it?”

“Mack! Stop!” Joey said, grabbing my shoulders and laughed. “You’re freaking out over nothing. I’m just kinda shocked, is all. It looks good on you, really, and you know I’m not lying.” He wheeled me around and held me in front of the mirror. “See? This hair, a little bit of silver makeup around your eyes, a nice skirt and bam, that’s one stunner right there!”

“If you ever catch me in a skirt,” I chuckled.

“I’ll get you in one sooner or later.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Maybe.”

I laughed and looked at my hair from different angles when Nick’s reflection appeared beside mine. “Are you trying  to give me a heart attack?” I demanded, whirling around.

“Sorry, I thought you heard me calling your name,” he said, shrugging innocently. My eyes scanned over his haircut. Abbey always did a good job but she outdid herself this time. His hair was styled kinda the same way, separated down the middle but instead of just hanging there it was gelled a bit so the part made a M like shape. In short, and I will never admit this, but he looked cute. “I was trying to ask you if you’d take me to the airport.”

My heart sank. “You have to leave all ready?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Ok, where’s Joey?” I turned and rolled my eyes. Joey was talking to some of the hairdressers and they were laughing to whatever it was he was saying. “C’mon Romeo, we have to go,” I said, grabbing his elbow and pulling him out of the shop, ignoring his protests.

The drive to the airport was relatively short, no one else was crazy enough to drive through the snow that started to fall. Apparently Joey got freaked out whenever I got behind the wheel, especially now because he kept a death grip on the car door. Geeze, I have had my permit for a few months you’d think he’d trust me by now. We got to the airport safely and Joey jumped out of the car, thanking every sort of God out there that we made it safe. He was being a total drama queen about it. Surprisingly his flight wasn’t cancelled or delayed at all. Would it be bad to wish for it to suddenly be cancelled?

“Have a safe flight,” Joey said as the others on his plane started to board. He held out his hand and Nick clasped it, both smiling as they shook.

“That’s not going to ease my nerves,” he responded.

“You hate flying too?”

“Yeah. Something about the turbulence is nerving. I’m usually knocked out for a while, though.” He chuckled. “I kinda picked the wrong profession to hate flying, huh?”

“Most of us hate flying as well,” Joey laughed. “Hey, good luck with the tour.”

“Thanks man. You guys should come out and see it once we have our home show,” Nick said looking at Joey then at me.

“We will, depending on our schedules obviously,” I said, shoving my hands into my pockets. He nodded and smiled. Joey looked back and forth between us before muttering something about getting the car warmed up. “I wouldn’t pass up seeing it though,” I said, breaking the silence.

“You should, I mean you did help choreograph it,” he commented. “I’ll admit although Johnny’s told us how good of a dancer you were we were kinda skeptical about you choreographing our video and our tour.”

“Why, because I’m a girl?” I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest.

“No, ‘cause you’re so small,” he replied with a teasing grin. “No, the others didn’t like change. Fatima was a good choreographer for us but Johnny said we needed a change so…not that it was a bad one, it ended up good.”

“That’s a compliment, right?”

“It’s supposed to be one.” He paused. “Stay near Justin, ok? Don’t go anywhere near Lou by yourself.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not stupid, Nick.”

“I never said you were, this is just for my sanity, so I can at least pretend that you’re ok. It’ll help me sleep better at night.”

“Aww, I didn’t know you cared so much,” I teased.

“You’re like my sister. Well, you’re not nearly as crazy, loud, or weird as BJ, Leslie, or Angel, but you get my point.”

“Right.” I nodded. Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting at all.

“What’re your plans again?”

“Um, I’m busy most of January doing movie promo and going to the studio but otherwise I’m just going to be at home or on the road with the guys.”

“Well, whenever we’re in Orlando at the same time we should hang out. I’m sure the guys miss you,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Tell ‘em I miss them too and that sounds like a good idea. Just give me a call whenever you get home. Maybe then I can finally meet your brother and sisters.”

“Maybe. I just don’t want to scare you.”

“I think I can handle it.”

He looked up when his flight as called again. “I should go. Oh, call us as soon as you open our gift.”

“I will, I promise.” I, involuntarily (or was it a muscle spasm?), held my arms out and he pulled me into a hug. It didn’t last nearly as long as the other hug because he was in a rush. He waved to me over his shoulder and I waved back, laughing as he suddenly stopped and made sure to step onto the terminal with his right foot first. Chuckling and ignoring the sudden empty feeling I ran back to the car to make sure Joey wasn’t freezing to death. “Hey, I thought I was driving,” I said, leaning into the window of the passenger side as Joey rolled down the window.

“And I want to get back in one piece,” he said, wiggling his fingers.

“I drive fine,” I protested, getting in and handing over the keys.

“Yeah, and you don’t have an addiction to Oreos.”

“I don’t!”

“Surrrre.”

“Shut up.”

----

As soon as I opened the door to the house the smell of smoke hit my nostrils. I looked at Joey who shrugged before I tossed off my hat and jacket and raced into the kitchen, waving my hand in front of my face to get rid of the smoke that came pouring out.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I thundered.

 JC, Lance, Chris, and Justin all froze, staring at the charred lump in front of them and slowly looked up at me.

"You know...you're so cute when you're mad," Justin said with a charming grin.

 "Then I must look adorable!" I snarled. "First, JC, where’s your other half? Did she have any help in destroying my kitchen?”

“Oh, well, I sent her home,” JC replied, wiping flour off of his nose. “You were right, she wasn’t invited and you don’t really know her and I figured you only needed friends and family around you right now so I asked her to go home. We’ll just hang out later.”

“Ok, Now, again, I ask for my sanity, what're you doing?" JC nudged Lance, who nudged Chris, who nudged Justin who gulped.

“Um, well, we wanted to cheer you up and we figured we should make you your favorite cake,” Justin said as he twisted his fingers in his hands. “And, we didn’t know when you’d get back and we wanted the cake to be done before you got back so we turned up the heat thinking that it’d be done faster…but it burnt instead and now here you are. Don’t kill us!”

I don’t know what it was: how ridiculous they looked covered in flour or how ridiculous their thought process was but either way I suddenly found myself leaning against the counters laughing hysterically, tears streaming down my face, my abs clenching. I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.

“You guys…are so…” I managed to get out of my laughter.

“Comedic?” JC guessed.

"Entertaining?" Lance supplied.

"Devastatingly good looking?" Justin asked.

I shook my head. "So...stupid!" And then the laughter tturned to tears which turned to our famous group hug. It was very therapeutic and, right now, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else without these guys.

December 25th, 1997

I didn’t know how long I had been asleep this time. I woke up in pitch black, the only light coming into my room was the soft light of the street lamp. Little J or Oreo must’ve attacked my nightlight again. I gotta keep them in their kennel next time. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, wincing at the slight burning in the corners of my eyes. Figures, I cried myself awake again. When’d I get so soft again? Whatever happened to my brick wall, the damn behind my eyes? What happened to the old Mack? I slowly shook my head, marveling at how stuffy it felt despite not being sick. You promised the guys you’d change, that’s all you’re doing. Crying is human. You’ve kept things trapped inside for too long, I told myself as I kicked back my covers. I gently put my feet against the floor and got out of bed, making a beeline for the door, glancing down from time to time to make sure I didn’t crash into anything. I left my room and quickly but quietly made my way to Justin’s room. Last night the guys’ family had finally gotten here and after minutes of stress and pencil biting I’ve finally been able to figure out their rooming assignments. Now, the only problem with that was now that we were all on one floor I had to make sure I didn’t wake the younger ones.

“Justin,” I called softly into the dark room. I paused and heard his soft yet noticeable snoring. I moved a bit further into the room and closed the door behind me. “Justin,” I called again. His breathing stopped shortly before he rolled over and let out a slow breath. I walked over to the edge of the bed and gently shook his shoulder. “Justin!” I hissed, shaking him. He groaned and rolled onto his back, blinking his eyes rapidly to adjust to the darkness. He looked up at me for a couple of seconds before reaching over and turning on the lamp light. I squeezed my eyes shut for a couple of seconds before looking at him.

He was up and alert at an instant. “What’s wrong? Are you ok? Did you have another bad dream?” He paused and leaned forward slightly. “Were you crying?” Aint he the deductive one.

“I can’t sleep, I’m fine, yes, and yes,” I replied. He rubbed an eye as he motioned for me to sit down. I sat on top of the comforter and crossed my legs criss-cross-applesauce style. He stared at me, asking the most important question with his eyes. I shook my head and sighed. “I’m scared, J,” I admitted. “I mean, Dad has high-risk Leukemia. What if my bone marrow doesn’t work? I’m the only match in our family that has a chance, even the slightest. If it doesn’t work then they’d have to search for a different match and who knows how long that can take? And then he might…during the wait…it might be too long…” I couldn’t even form a complete sentence.

That’s why I couldn’t sleep. The day after I had found out my Dad had cancer we went to the hospital. A doctor had sat me down and talked to me about the kind of cancer he had and the treatments he had to go through. Dad had high risk ALL which mean that they needed to hit the cancer hard if they wanted to save him. That meant he’d have to go through intense rounds of chemotherapy and they needed to find a bone marrow donor. We tried his sister who had a really good chance to being able to be a donor. Unfortunately the chances weren’t enough so I had to be the new donor before they got a donor off of a list. They prepped me, put me to sleep, and supposedly stuck a gigantic needle in my hip straight to my bone marrow. Thank GOD I wasn’t awake for that, it wouldn’t have been pretty. And now we just had to wait, which I don’t do well with if you hadn’t figured that out yet.

“Your Dad will be fine,” Justin said as he took my hand and gave it a squeeze.

“How do you know? The doctors said he has a 70-30 chance because the signs didn’t show up until recently,” I replied. “Ohh, I should’ve known he wasn’t sick actually. Dad never gets sick. This is all my fault. I knew something was wrong with him but I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. Ohh, if I had just told my mom–”

“Girl, stop,” Justin interrupted me, snapping. I knitted my eyebrows together. Justin never raised his voice at me before. I sat staring at him, stunned. He had to understand that I was freaking out, right? He sighed and rubbed his head. “None of this, your dad being sick, it’s not your fault despite what you think. You’re not the one who got him sick in the first place. You didn’t know what was wrong with him because he kept it from you because he didn’t want you to worry about him. It’s our parents’ job to worry about us, not the other way around. And your dad will be fine.”

“How do you know that? Can you see into the future or something?”

He laughed. “No, silly. I know because he’s a Desrosiers and you Desrosiers are strong-willed people and I know he won’t let something like cancer stop him from living his life and seeing you take over the world.”

I chuckled and wiped my eyes. “You’re such a dork.”

“But I’m your dork,” he corrected. He looked out the window and I followed his gaze. Snow started to fall again, smaller flakes this time but more frequent. They sparkled as they passed through the light coming from the room, shining a small rainbow briefly before falling past the window. “Can I ask you a question?” I nodded. “Is Nick, like, your new best friend now or something?” He asked, turning his head and scratching at his neck.

“Someone’s jealous,” I said in a sing song voice.

“I’m not jealous,” he denied. “It’s just…I feel like you’re drifting and all you talk about is Nick this and Nick that and the Backstreet Boys did this as soon as you came back to help us over the summer.”

“And you think I’m replacing you guys?”I questioned. He nodded. “Do you mind reminding me who got me this job in the first place?”

“I did, but what does that have to do with anything?” He questioned.

“It means without you I wouldn’t have gotten one step closer to reaching my dreams. I’ve always wanted to be a choreographer, J, and you helped me get there at the age of fourteen. Even though I’m technically still not a professional or anything but I wouldn’t even have gotten this far without you. You guys will always come first. I promise.”

“I don’t think you can keep that promise,” Justin pointed out honestly.

“You’re right,” I agreed. “I promise that I’ll try to put you guys first. Ok?” I leaned forward and gave him a hug.

“I’m your best friend, right?” He asked suddenly. I pulled away and looked at him, holding him at arms length. “Am I?” He questioned.

“Yeah, of course. Why? You don’t need to ask that,” I said dropping my arms and pushing my hair out of my face.

“And we can tell each other everything? Even when we’re mad at the other or we need to deliver bad news or–”

“Yes! What is it?” The look on his face was starting to worry me. Oh my gosh, did he know something about Dad? Or was it something else? My mom? Talk, dammit, talk!

“Remember when the doctor’s put you to sleep before you got your bone marrow removed?” I nodded. “Remember how the doctor’s let us talk to you before they put you to sleep?”

“Yeahhh,” I said slowly. Where was he going with this?

“Well, I saw something before you got your procedure done and I…I didn’t know what it was. I…I had a suspicion but I didn’t know how to ask you about it.” Just ask all ready, god! He took my left hand and flipped it over. I looked down and kicked myself when I realized I hadn’t bothered to put my watch back on. Now staring up at the ceiling were my scars, soe of them was still red and slightly puffy. Let’s just say Mom’s miscarriage and Dad’s cancer pushed me over the edge. “How’d you get these?” He whispered, gently running his finger over them.

“Little J and Oreo. I haven’t gotten their nails filed in a while,” I replied. I don’t know how that lie instantly came to my head but it was a pretty good one if I do say so myself. And it was true, I did have to get them filed soon or they’d break on their own.

“I’ve known you for fourteen years, I can tell when you’re lying to me.” I looked up and saw tears collecting in his eyes. No matter how many times he blinked they refused to fall. “Please…just tell me you haven’t been doing this to yourself.”

I pull my hand out of his grasp and close it into a fist. “I, J, I can’t do that,” I whispered.

He blinked rapidly and I was amazed to see him get angry. “What the fuck is your problem?” He snapped. Whoa, talk about doing a 180. “Huh? Do you like causing us pain? Do you? You have a sick sense of humor, you know that!” He got off the bed and started pacing as I watched him.

“I don’t hurt you on purpose,” I muttered.

“Bullshit,” he instantly replied. “We’ve told you time and time again that you could always come to us with whatever problem you had. Instead…you pull shit like this. Do you understand what you’re doing to yourself? How could you be so fucking stupid?”

“Keep it down,” I hissed, standing.

“I don’t give a fuck if the others hear, let them, you deserve to be yelled at by them as well,” Justin snarled.

“You don’t get it–”

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t get why you’d be so fucking stupid to rip open your own skin. Does it feel good to cause yourself harm? Huh? Does it really feel that good? Let’s see.” He turned away from me and started digging through his bag.

“J, what’re you doing?” I asked, walking over to him. He ignored me and continued to search through his bag. He stood as he turned the razor that was in his hand. I watched as he shoved a thumbnail into a small space between the parts. He dismantled the razor before my eyes until he only held the blade in his hand. “J, stop,” I said, reaching out for it when it suddenly hit me what he was doing.

He roughly pushed my hand and backed away from me. “You do it all the time. Why can’t I? I mean, there must be something appealing in it.” Why the hell was he being so horrible? Something must be taking over his brain, he wasn’t the normal Justin and it was really starting to scare me. His normally calm eyes were wild and his mouth was twisted into a sneer. I shook my head and tried to keep the dam behind my eyes from leaking again but the cracks were getting too big.

“Don’t,” I begged as I reached for it again. Once again he slapped my hand away. “J, don’t! Stop.”

“No, I want to see why you continue to hurt yourself.” He pushed me away again and quickly dragged the blade across his skin. We both watched as the skin remained the same until a thin line of blood seeped to the surface. “Huh,” he muttered. “The only thing that did was hurt me. And it makes you feel better? Wow, you must be weaker than I thought.”

I stared at him in shock as he threw the blade away and pressed a tissue to his arm. I didn’t have to look in the mirror to know that I was crying, I could feel the tears slipping down my cheeks. Justin was being so horrible…so horrible. “I’m not weak,” I muttered.

“Really? You could’ve fooled me. If you weren’t weak then you wouldn’t result to doing something so stupid to make yourself feel better.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “You don’t understand!”

“Then make me understand!”

I opened my eyes. “It’s the only thing I can control, Justin! It’s the only thing I have the power over.” I dug my fingers into my hair and grabbed at the roots as I turned and started pacing, feeling the weight press down on my chest again and I struggled to regain my breathing. “I can’t do anything about my mom and dad splitting up. I can’t do anything about Momma and Mike. I can’t do anything about my dad’s cancer. I can’t control anything but this. This is all I can control!”

“This is not the only way out of your troubles,” Justin said as he checked his cut before looking at me. He shook his head and looked at the ceiling as if asking the Lord for help. “Fuck, Mack, how long have you been doing this?” I shrugged and muttered my answer. “What did you say?”

“I said about a year, maybe a year and a half,” I replied. He laughed but I knew it wasn’t an actual laugh, it was more of a laugh of disbelief. “I started when I heard my mom and dad’s argument over the phone. And then…things got worse and I just couldn’t stop.”

“How about now?” He picked up the blade and held it in front of my face. I watched as he slowly sung it back and forth taunting me. I slapped it out of his hand and he let his arm fall to his side. “You’re stronger than this, I know that for a fact. Just…fuck, don’t give up, Mackenzie. You have the whole world in front of you. I’m proud of you, I fucking love you but I don’t love what you’re doing.”

“I need help,” I whispered.

“That’s what I’m here for, girl. Haven’t you noticed? I’ve never left you. I’m always here, ok?” He reached out and brushed away the tears that were on my cheeks before hugging me and kissing my forehead. “It’s late, we should get some sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” I muttered.

“Hey, there’s no need to apologize to me, BabyGirl. Ok?” He gently placed a hand on my cheek and brushed away a straw tear with his thumb. I nodded and he smiled.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Justin forced open an eye at the sunlight that hit him smack dab on the face. He lifted his wrist to his face to see what time it was. 9:47. His stomach growled right as a heavenly smell wafted over his nose. He sat up and stretched, smiling a bit when he heard Jonathan’s pounding feet as he ran around the house.

He carefully managed to climb over Mack and get off of the bed, shoving his feet into his bunny slippers and left the room. He stopped by the bathroom to relieve the pressure in his bladder before following the smell down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Mmm, breakfast smells good, Momma,” Justin said as he walked into the kitchen and placed a kiss on Lynn’s cheek. “I hope the others don’t wake up. I want to eat this all by myself,” he added. Lynn playfully smacked his arm as he grinned. All of a sudden the patter of little feet reached their ears as a little boy ran in. “Hey, Merry Christmas, Jonathan,” he said as he scooped up his step-brother and held him in his arms. “Are you excited to open presents?”

“Yeah! Yeah! Can we do it now? Please, Justy, please?” Jonathan begged.

Justin laughed as Jonathan wrapped his small hands around Justin’s neck to keep from falling as he held onto the little boy. “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask my Momma. Be really polite and charm her with a big smile.” He smiled at his mother who winked back at him.

“Lynnie, can we open presents now? Please? Please?” Jonathan asked, turning his big eyes to the curly haired woman.

“I don’t know. What will I get out of it?” Lynn asked in her southern drawl, wiping her hands on her apron. Jonathan unhooked his hands and reached over to Lynn. Justin stepped closer to her as Jonathan wrapped his hands around her neck and placed a big kiss on her cheek. “Awww, thanks baby. Ok, we can open presents now.”

“Yay!” Jonathan cheered.

“Go and wake everyone,” Justin said, putting him down. Once his feet touched the ground he scampered out of the room.

“Did I hear you talking last night?” Lynn asked, tossing some cut up kiwi into the large fruit filled bowl. “I thought I heard you and Mackenzie talking last night.”

Arguing, actually. “Uh, yeah, she was upset over her Dad’s cancer and everything. It just…she suddenly exploded. She couldn’t sleep so I talked her to sleep. I think she’ll be fine now, I think she finally understands that we’re here,” Justin said with confidence. Lynn kissed his forehead. “What was that for?”

“For being you,” she replied simply. “She’s lucky to have you.”

“No Momma.” He shook his head. “I’m lucky to have her.”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

“David, be careful it’s hot,” I said to my younger cousin as he reached for the hot chocolate that was in my hand. I was mainly warning him because of everyone moving around. There were a lot of people in this living room I was surprised we fit. Let’s see, there was me, Mom, Mike, Mamaw, Poppy, Grammaw, and PopPop. Then there was Justin, Lynn, Paul, Jonathan, Lisa, and Randy. The Fatones: Joey, his mother, his father, Steve, and Janine. The Chasezs: JC, Heather, Tyler, Roy, and Karen. The Kirkpatricks: Chris, Beverly, Molly, Taylor, Emily, and Kate, and Lance and his parents and my cousins Julie and David and aunt Abbey, thirty five people! I can easily say this is my biggest Christmas. I wish Daddy were here, though. I hate knowing that he’s spending Christmas in the hospital. Maybe if they give him his chemo today he can come home.

‘Oh my gosh’s and ‘I love it’s filled the room as people opened their gifts, pausing every now and then to yell across the room to thank the person they got their present from. I was happy, honest I was, it just didn’t feel right to be over the top happy without Daddy here. He always took pictures, I missed the irritation flashes that would go off periodically.

“Did you open ours yet?” Chris’s voice broke my thoughts. I looked at him and noticed that the guys were looking at me with smiles on their faces. “C’mon, open it,” he urged.

I picked up the brightly wrapped box and looked it over. There was no way they could’ve wrapped this themselves, they weren’t that good. I pushed the thought away and ripped open a side, unsticking the little ribbon bow and pressing it to Joey’s forehead. I chuckled as I gripped the end of the box and pulled it out, staring hard at the item.

“Well? Do you like it?” Chris asked hopefully.

“You guys aren’t funny,” I muttered despite chuckling at the fact that they gave me an Elmo doll. They’ve always claimed that I supposedly laughed like Elmo and they wouldn’t let me live it down and now they had to poke fun at me this way.

“But you like it, right?” Lance asked.

“Of course I do, thanks guys.”

“And the best part…” Chris grabbed the toy and held it by my head. “You’re finally taller than someone,” he quipped as the others laughed.

“Like you can talk,” I laughed, grabbing my toy. I reached over and grabbed the ringing phone that was by my head. “City morgue, you kill ‘em we chill ‘em,” I greeted the person on the other end happily. On the ground leaning against the couch, Justin reached back and lightly smacked my knee. I lightly kicked him in the back of his curly head.

“If your mother caught you saying that…” Dad’s tired voice said on the other end.

“Hey Daddy,” I greeted him. “Um, are you ok? How is everything. Oh, Merry Christmas.”

Dad laughed. “Of course you would get right to the point. I’m feeling good. Better than I have in a while, I’ll admit.”

“Good, that’s good Daddy. Can you come home?”

“Well, they want to look some things over and send some information to the hospital in Orlando but they said there isn’t any reason I shouldn’t be able to come home.”

“That’s great, Daddy. I can’t wait. I haven’t opened your present yet. I’ll wait for you to get home, ok?”

“Ok sweetie.” He paused. “Don’t worry about me,” he stated firmly. I knew that tone of voice.

“I can’t help it Dad,” I said, noticing Heather looking at me in concern. I shook my head and rolled my finger in the air as if drawing a circle, our silent signal of ‘I’ll tell you later’. She nodded and turned to Tyler who was protesting loudly at the shirt JC had given him. “I just wish I could do something.”

“You did, you gave me your bone marrow. That’s all you can do. I’m supposed to worry about you, not the other way around,” he replied. “Don’t worry, I’m going to stick around long enough to see your movie premier and see your CD come out and see you tour and see you dance and walk you down the aisle and hold my first grandkid.”

“Who said anything about me getting married?”

“Who wouldn’t want to marry you? Anyone who would even think about turning you down will end up kicking themselves later for giving up such a good catch, and I’m not just saying that because you’re my daughter.”

Now I know why they call it a warm and fuzzy feeling. “Thanks Dad,” I whispered.

“You’re welcome, Gorgeous. I’ll see you in a bit.”

That’s’ another thing to check off of my Christmas list. “Ok, bye.” I hung up the phone right as David jumped into my lap.

“Cuzzy, let’s play in the snow!” He said excitedly as he started to bounce up and down.

Julie climbed onto my lap next to him. “Let’s build a snowman.”

“Wait guys I didn’t finish opening presents yet,” I laughed.

“We’ll take them,” Molly said as she stood. She gathered up Kate, Emily, Steve, Janine, Heather, Tyler and Jonathan as well as David and Julie and they ran out of the house, happy to play in the snow. I laughed at the amount of wrapping paper and ribbon that was strewn across the floor.

Mom and Mike started going around, picking up the wrapping paper as I reached for my last two presents which I held off on purpose. As I mulled over which one to open first I watched in amusement as JC played with the light up yo-yo I gave him and Oreo and Little J jumped up and down and tried to bat it out of his hands. I returned my attention to the thicker gift and read the tag. It simply said that it was from the Backstreet Boys. I opened the card and red the cursive handwriting (most likely Kevin’s): This is a little thank you gift from us. Thank you for giving us your time and we hope you had as much fun as we did. We hope to work with you again. Love: Brian, Howie D, AJ, Nick, Kevin (The Backstreet Boys).

Setting the card aside I tried to think what it was they could give me but they were hard to figure out. I didn’t know them nearly as well as my boys. To be honest it surprised me to see AJ’s name on the card, he seemed to have some sort of hostility towards me when I worked with them and Fatima. Otherwise he was completely civil towards me and let his guard down from time to time and I enjoyed being around him.

Pushing that thought aside I ripped through the wrapping paper and slid my finger under the edge of the box to get the tape off. They went a little slap happy with the tape, I’ll bet it was Brian’s idea to keep me in suspense. It’s workin’ buddy. I finally got all the tape off, scraping off some of my finger skin, and lifted the lid, staring in awe at the shoes that were resting in the box. It was a new pair of black dance shoes, the lining between the bottom of the shoes and the top was a strip of electric blue. The laces were electric blue as well and had stars on the ends. The inside had electric blue insoles built in and my nickname, Mini D, was written in silver cursive.

“Wow,” I breathed, looking the shoes over. “These are so cool. I wonder how they knew I needed new shoes.” Really, who cares? I got new shoes for free designed by the Backstreet Boys. How many people can say that? Yes, I was a fan on a certain level, an admirer on another and a co-worker at the top but still, they were so awesome. There was no way my Christmas gift was going to top this. No way at all. I put the shoes back into the box before the others saw it and questioned me about it and grabbed the gift from Nick. From the feel of it I guessed it was a picture frame.

I gently removed the wrapping paper and turned the picture frame over, my mouth fell open at the picture, well to be precise, the sketch. It was a hand drawn picture…of me. Very realistic, he even managed to get a cool light reflection effect in my hair. Every little detail was there, even the small dimple that appears in my cheek when I smile. I tugged at the paper that was in the corner of the picture, hiding his signature.

Mack,

You don’t know how hard it was for me to admit what was happening (or maybe you do, you’ve been going through it too unfortunately) but I’m glad it was you that I told first. I feel so comfortable around you, I hope we can hang out soon, good luck with the CD. I’ll be the first to buy a copy, promise. As always I’m here if you want to talk or you’re just bored. Thanks for listening.

Nick

P.S. the shoes were my idea. I noticed that yours were starting to fall apart. The others designed them.

I rested my palm hear my mouth and noticed that my skin was hot. There was no denying it, that Carter was a charmer.

Goodbye 1997, hello 1998. New year, new Mack.

It’s my time to shine.

January15th, 1998

New York City

“Oreo, no!” I yelled as I ran over to him. He yelped and dropped the object he’d been chewing on. I made a face and pinched the shoe I was looking for between my fingers and lifting it to inspect for damage. “Awww, man,” I groaned when I saw that I couldn’t wear it now. “Didn’t I tell you not to chew my shoes? Huh?” I asked, rubbing his stomach as he rolled over and licked my nose. “Aww, don’t you suck up now. You’re just like your uncle Justin.” I dropped a kiss on his head and turned to my suitcase that was in the corner of the room.

I had just gotten off the plane when I got a call from Blake, the main manager of my management team, telling me that as soon as I got off the plane I had to go straight to the Jive recording studio to talk to them and some A&R people. Being jet lagged and barely having any energy wasn’t the problem, actually it was the least of my worries. What I didn’t expect, and cursed about a bit, was that it was snowing when I got there which meant I was stuck in traffic forever which then meant I didn’t have time to get to Danni’s apartment where I would be staying for a few days which is why I now looked like I lived in the studio.

Sighing, I dug through my suitcase to find my other pair of converses; they were red instead of blue. I know, I know, owning something that’s not blue, a shock right? I’m entitled to wear different colors; I don’t want to be only known as a smurf.

I stared hard at the red converses that were in my bag and the left blue converse that was still on my foot. Shrugging, I grabbed the right red converse and pulled it onto my feet. I then leaned back and looked at my feet making a face but shrugging again. They’re just shoes, it doesn’t really matter. Besides, I’m sure the Jive people are more interested in my voice than what I wear and how I dress.

To say that 1998 began with a bang would be an understatement. 1998 came whirling at me like a hurricane. Ever since it hit January 1st I was whisked up and down the East Coast. On New Year’s Eve the guys jumped on a plane to head to Europe to perform two different New Year’s shows while Momma and Mike went back to Memphis and Dad and I went to Orlando. After staying there for a couple of days I had to fly back to New York to do talk some more about my CD. Thankfully whenever I was in New York Danni let me stay in the extra room in her apartment. I didn’t want to have to deal with checking in and out of hotels all of the time. Anyway, somehow we managed to get two full songs done, one of which might be used in the movie somehow.

Ben and I did a radio interview at Z100 and then we held a press conference where they asked us question after question about the movie, how well we worked with each other, what we learned, what we’re doing now, etc. I went back and forth between New York and Orlando to check up on my dad and to relax whenever I had the time if I wasn’t doing homework. The guys I haven’t seen much because they’ve been going around promoting their album which was going to be released in March.

Now I was back in New York to talk with my management and the A&R guys about my CD one more time and see where it was going as well as taping an appearance on The Rosie O’Donnell Show, some more appearances, and then going with the guys to Planet Hollywood for the launch of the new Teen People magazine. I couldn’t wait for any of that stuff, the party mostly because I haven’t seen the guys for weeks and I couldn’t wait to tell them everything that’s been going on.

I picked up Oreo and petted his head as I spun around in the swivel chair as I waited. I watched as the snow fell to the ground as if the flakes were doing a little dance for me because I was the only one in the audience. No one on the streets would’ve paid that close attention, those New Yorkers; they don’t take the time to take a good look at the beauty.

“Penny for them.”

I smiled. “You can keep the penny, I’m not thinking of anything.”

“That’s not new.”

I laughed and turned around in my chair. “You’re horrible!”

“I’m no saint,” Ben replied, shrugging.

“What’re you doing here?” I put Oreo down on the ground and he ran over to Ben, running around his feet.

“Keeping my favorite lady company,” he replied.

“Ohhh, so I’m a lady now? I’m not ‘Kid’, ‘Shrimp’, ‘Missy’, or any other put downs that describe my age, height, or gender?”

“They’re terms of endearment.”

“I feel loved, dear.” I rolled my eyes as he chuckled. “Real reason?”

“That is the real reason. The show’s not taped until one and it’s only ten. I figured I’d wait with you until they get here.”

“If they ever get here,” I pointed out.

“What’s this meeting for anyway?” He asked, sitting down in one of the other chairs.

“I think it’s about the little tiff we’re in,” I replied. He tilted his head, urging me to continue. “See, Pop is coming back to the airwaves, right? So, naturally, they want me to follow the trend and sing Pop music. It’s good for dancing and all but I don’t want to be like the others and be a Pop singer. Props to them but I want to sing more guitar pushed stuff with riffs and amazing leads and stuff. I don’t want to compromise who I am just to make music that they’ll be happy with. You know what my Dad says? If you’re not happy you’re not doing it right, and I won’t be happy doing Pop music which is what this meeting is about. My manager, Liam, is trying to get them to actually listen to my rock stuff and give me a chance but I don’t think it’ll go my way.”

“Is there some common ground you could meet on? You know, showcase both sides?” Ben asked after a few minutes of thinking.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, what are they pushing that makes you unique? Everyone has a voice, that’s not new. What’s special about you, what did they like about you?”

“They said my voice was different whatever that meant,” I said as I made a face. “Could be a good or bad thing, I don’t know, it must be good since I’m here. Um, I showed them some of my guitar playing and they liked that, they said it was different that a girl played guitar, not that girls can’t. And um…” I paused and wracked my brain. “I told them about my dancing experiences and stuff. I think that’s what pushed them  towards the Pop route.”

“But dancing and rocking out is both sides of you,” Ben said as he rubbed his chin. “Why not…do both? Pop and Rock.”

“You mean for one song?”

“Well, no. Do you know what an EP is?”

“Isn’t it a CD but with less tracks and with remixes and stuff?”

Ben nodded. “Exactly. The Beatles had an EP called Twist and Shout that had four songs, two on each side. Each song ended up on their Twist and Shout album so it was like the EP was a…sample of sorts. So, why don’t you have one side of Pop songs and the other of Rock songs and release that? You can get the feedback from your audience and whichever gets more feedback than the other you’ll base your CD around.”

I nodded slowly as I listened to him. “That actually makes a lot of sense. And here I thought you were just a pretty face.”

“I need a brain to back this face up.”

I shook my head and rolled m eyes as I thought over his idea. It could work, the label people might buy it since they were so anxious to get my stuff out as soon as possible. In one week I got two songs recorded because I was so anxious but the process might slow down a bit because I had to check on my Dad from time to time when Momma and Mike were in between visits. “That’s a really good idea. I’ll suggest it, maybe they’ll actually listen to me.”

“And if they don’t command their attention. That shouldn’t be too hard for you.” He smiled sweetly.

“It’s what got me my part, don’t diss it,” I said in a warning tone. I looked up as the door opened. “You should go.”

“Ok, I’ll send a car back later. Good luck.” He gave me a small wave. I waved back as he slipped out the door and Liam and Greg, the A&R guy, came into the room. They stopped when Oreo started sniffing at their feet.

“Sorry, I didn’t have a place to put them. I just got here,” I quickly apologized, whistling at Oreo and calling a command in French. Oreo dashed over to my suitcase, jumped on top of my clothes, and settled down. Little J was a sleep on the floor by the suitcase. I stood and shook both their hands before sitting down again. “So, I’m pretty sure I know why I’m here. The Pop vs Rock debate.”

“Yes,” Greg said with a nod. “What I want you to understand is that you’re sure to be a hit if you jump on the Pop wagon, especially with your connections to the Backstreet Boys. Once people know you’ve helped them they’ll pay attention to your dancing and your singing. You’ll be an instant hit.”

“Yes, but there’s a good chance I’d hate it at the same time,” I said as politely as I could.

“What she means is, sure she is a dancer, but that’s a different part of her. She doesn’t feel…happy to be mixing the two parts of her,” Liam said, searching for the right words. “She wants the dancer part to be separate for now and let her singing be the main focus.”

“Exactly,” I agreed nodding. “Um, a friend of mine gave me a suggestion. I really want to push for Rock but you want to push for Pop. Well, why don’t we just work on an EP, half of it would be Rock, and the other half would be Pop. We can release a single from each side and then base a CD around the genre that’s the most popular.” I sank low in my seat and played with my fingers. “But…that’s just a suggestion.”

Liam’s eyebrows rose. “It is an easier way to see where she excels. We could go back and forth on this issue for days and I know you want her on your label but I won’t hesitate to take her somewhere else if we don’t reach a compromise soon. I think this is our compromise. Just to get a feel of where she is with the world.”

Greg leaned back in his head. Liam and I held out breaths. I crossed everything that I could as I waited for him to make his decision. Greg sighed and leaned forward again. “The one song we need to have on this EP is that pressure song.”

“Why?” I questioned.

“That’s the song they’ve decided to use in the movie. You’re going to perform it today at Rosie,” Liam replied.

“What!?” I cried out. They just dropped the atomic bomb of news on me. Today!? “Can we get the band out here in time? I don’t want to lip sync.”

“Relax, everything is taken care of.”

“When were you planning on telling me this?”

“I was going to tell you once I found out but I wanted to keep it a surprise to see your reaction,” Liam replied. “So the song is going on the soundtrack that these guys are putting together. You’re going to perform the song on Rosie not only to promote the movie but to promote your CD as well.”

“Ok, no pressure there,” I muttered rolling my eyes. “I’ll admit, I didn’t think you’d take me up on this idea.”

“Whatever makes you happy,” Greg replied.

“More like as long as you keep me in a good mood I’ll stay here,” I laughed as Greg smiled. I leaned back and yawned. “Ok, so am I going to get some recording done today or no?”

“Yes, we have a treatment for that The Reason song you showed us. Everything on it is done except for your vocals.”

“Fantabulous, let’s hit it.” I got up and went into the cozy little recording room and pulled the big headphones down over my ears before taking off my shoes. You know how people have traditions or superstitions? Like, Lance always picks up his feet when we drive over railroad tracks? In the studio mine is that I have to take off my shoes before I record. I don’t know why, I just have to, I feel more comfortable I guess.

“We’re starting from the beginning, Mini,” Greg called as Liam took a sip of his coffee. My mouth watered at the smell. How I would die for some coffee right now and I don’t even like coffee. I started jogging in place and doing some jumping jacks to help wake me up. I held up my thumb, signaling that I was good to go. I grinned when I heard the heavy bass-filled beats fill my ears as well as some stick-slapping sounds. The song was filled with synths, which worked for it, surprisingly. I waited until the right cue then let loose.

I don't wanna make a scene. I don't wanna let you down
Tryin' to do my own thing, and I'm starting to figure it out
That it's alright keep it together where ever we go
And it's alright oh well whatever
Everybody needs to know

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly
And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason, why…

You’re the Reason or The Reason as Greg calls it, I wrote after my little tiff with Justin back during Christmas. He hasn’t heard it yet but I can’t wait to play it for him to see what his reaction would be. Greg nodded, his silent signal to me to tell me to keep going until he told me to stop. I went over the song a billion times until he thought it was good but I knew that meant I had to come back and do it again. He’d hate it by tomorrow morning, I’ll bet. We worked a bit more on another song of the rock variety, Emergency, before he called me out again. Who knew that two hours had passed in that short span of time? Well, it felt short to me.

“Do you want me to do more?” I asked, pulling my shoes on.

“No, you’re done for the day and there’s someone here who’d like to see you.”

I scrunched up my eyebrows as I watched Liam and Greg grin at each other. You know those smiles where you know that they’re trying to keep something a surprise but they’re doing a crappy job of holding back their excitement. Now, take that smile and make it so bright I feel like I’m standing in front of a car’s headlights. Since they didn’t move I got up to open the door of the studio myself. Geeze, some people. I pulled open the door and stared at the figure in front of me. Is he real? I’m still suffering from jetlag, for all I knew I could be hallucinating. I reached out a finger and poked him in the stomach.

He laughed. “I’m real,” he stated as if reading my mind. “Don’t just stand there, give me a hug.”

“I can’t believe you’re here!” I squealed in happiness. (Yes, squealed, I think I’m entitled to at least one unquestionable girly moment per day). I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist as he hugged me back. As I hugged him I noticed something odd about JC, something that was different. Then it hit me. I could actually feel the muscles in his back moving. Holy hell and hot sauce, since when did he get muscles?

“Wow, it’s only been two weeks and you missed me this much?”

“Yeah, well you better hold onto this happiness,” I said, dropping down to the ground before punching him hard on the arm.

“Oww! What the heck—? Why’d you hit me? I thought you were happy to see me,” JC cried out, rubbing his arm.

“Becauuuseeee you didn’t bother to call me the last two weeks,” I replied, crossing my arms across my chest and tapping my foot.

“It’s not my fault our schedules are different,” he groaned. “I think you left a bruise.”

“You’re a baby.” I rolled my eyes. “Where are the others?”

“Sleeping at the hotel.”

I blinked. “Are we in a parallel universe? Aren’t you usually the one who likes to stay at the hotel and go to sleep?”

“Well, I figured since you hadn’t had breakfast yet I could take you somewhere and you can take the chance to get to know Bobbie,” JC replied, rocking back and forth on his feet. I let out a breath. “Please? You’re the only one she hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to and I want you to like her.”

“Why does my opinion matter? You’re going to date her anyway,” I pointed out.

“Well…I…just…please? Please?”

“JC…”

“Do me this one favor. I’ll owe you.”

“Ok, fine! Stop begging. But I need to take my stuff and Little J and Oreo to the hotel first.”

“Lonnie can do it,” JC said eagerly. “He’s waiting downstairs. Hurry, I can’t wait to hear your experiences and everything.”

“At least you’re excited about this,” I mumbled.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

By the time we got to the little diner in the area I wanted to throw myself out of the taxi. Being trapped in that small car sitting next to the Snuggle Twins would make anyone want to throw themselves out of a moving car into congested traffic, I bet. I don’t know which part was worse: the fact that JC kept talking to her in a baby voice or that she giggled every time he said something in that baby voice. Being stuck with them on the way to the hotel I could deal with, I just needed to get in and make sure my pups were put in the kennel and I didn’t have to deal with them for a while. Being stuck with them on the way to the diner was the worst part. Now, let’s just say when I don’t get my sleep I grow horns.

“Please, baby? Just one kiss,” JC begged.

Bobbie giggled and gently pushed him away by his shoulder. “No, baby, not while she’s here.”

“Just one quick one. Please? Please?”

I made a face and scooted closer to the window, fogging it up with my breath. What is with couples nowadays? They don’t even know how to be apart for five freaking minutes. There’s no way I’ll ever act that stupid when, no if, I ever fall for someone, which is high unlikely. Every guy out there is a jerk or a jackass or selfish in one way or another and I don’t want to deal with it. Not to mention that fact that Ben and my manager says if my career ever takes off jerks and jackasses will be fighting for my attention left and right.

What if my careers take off, then what?  Acting was something I wanted to do while I was little, same as singing, but I’ve kept both of those aspirations hidden as I focused on dancing, not only for myself but for my mom as well, although after a while she did push me to try and do the others as well. After all, there can never be too many kid actors or singers. But what if I had to put my dancing career on the backburner? Choreography was something I’ve always wanted to do first and foremost. I was good at organizing, but what if I was in over my head this time? I shook my head. Multi-tasking is your middle name, I told myself, nodding my head. I flinched and cursed that it had to be so damn cold in January in New York. I don’t think I’d feel as shitty if I actually had some sleep and some time to think and prepare for my upcoming interview. I tried to tell myself that Ben would be right there next to me…but not when I was going to sing. Oh my gosh, what if my voice went out or I forget the lyrics? Well, they’re there for Ben, really since he’s a better and better known actor and I’m just a nobody, but they had to listen to me and watch me as well.

I turned my attention to the tall buildings and the flashing lights as we drove by. Of all of the times I’ve been to New York I hadn’t had a real chance to go sightseeing. I haven’t even seen the Statue of Liberty yet. Ben was going to take me but I got sick so we hung around the hotel instead. It’s funny, I grew up having a crush on him and now he’s like my own dad, if not like another person.

Suddenly, after seeing many woman carrying shopping bags, I had the urge to check out a mall and see if there was anything I wanted. I mean, it was New York but still, I was super picky. I searched for my phone to dial Joey. Maybe he and Lance would want to go to the mall with me. I pressed a button on my speed dial and waited for him to pick up as I listened to the radio. Recognizing a song I asked for the driver to turn it up. “Jam on ‘cause Backstreet’s got it, come on now everybody, we’ve got it goin’ on for years…” I sang under my breath as I waited.

“Hey girly, how was your flight? Did you sleep well?” Joey’s tired voice came on the line.

“Yes I did and thanks,” I said, rubbing my eyes. Yes, I lied, so what, I didn’t want him to worry about me. “Do you want to go to the mall later? I still need to get some dresses for some premieres.”

“Of course! I can’t let you go to a premiere jacked up.”

I clicked my tongue. “Are you insinuating that my fashion sense is bad?”

“No, but you need to be dolled up. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. When and where, babe?”

I laughed and suggested a time before telling him to go back to sleep and I hung up. The cab finally pulled up in front of a diner. JC pushed open the door and held his hand out to Bobbie, helping her out. I slid to the edge of the seat and was about to get out myself when he held out his hand. I squinted at it. He’s just being nice, relax. I grasped his hand and he pulled me out of the cab easily, leaning back in to pay the driver. “I could’ve paid,” I said.

“I asked you out, it’s my treat,” he replied, putting his wallet into his back pocket before taking Bobbie’s hand.

“He asked me out,” I muttered. Don’t look too much into it, he has a girlfriend. I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked with the happy couple into the diner. JC, being the gentleman as always, held open the door for us and chose a place to sit. He chose a booth, which made me happy. I love booths. Something about the cushy seats and how…homey they were made me happy. What can I say, I’m easy to please.

“So what’s been going on?” JC asked as he took a look at the menu. I didn’t need to look at it to know what I wanted: apple cider, a bacon, egg and cheese wrap and some hashbrowns.

“A lot,” I replied, slumping in my seat slightly and adjusting the beanie that was on my head. “Going back and forth between Orlando and New York is a bitch. I flew out today, didn’t get any sleep because of a freaking brat kept kicking my chair and then I went straight to the studio to argue some more.”

“About that genre thing?” JC questioned. I nodded. “What’d they eventually decide?”

“We’re making an EP that’s going to promote the movie and myself,” I replied. “Four songs will go on it, half of them will be pop the other rock so then we can get the audience’s opinion on which genre is better. Whatever has better feedback is the one we’ll go with.”

“So it’s like a contest of sorts?” Bobbie asked, looking up from the menu.

I shrugged. “I guess you can say that.”

“Ok, what’s going on movie wise?” JC asked, draping his arm on the back of the booth, effectively getting Bobbie to snuggle closer to him.

“Ben and I have been doing a lot of interviews, some radio, some by phone, some by press conferences,” I replied, tapping my fingers against the table. “Actually, today we’re going on The Rosie O’Donnell Show  to promote.”

JC’s eyes widened. “Wow, congrats. You must be really excited.”

“The excitement hasn’t set in yet. I’m still in the dream state,” I replied honestly. I knew by the time I set foot in the studio I’d be a blithering mess. “What about you guys? How’s your US promo going? Have you followed the workout regime I set for you guys?”

JC scratched behind his ear. “J and I have, the others not so much.”

“Doesn’t surprise me, they’re probably taking a vacation away from my hard ass.”

“Well, you can be demanding and loud and aggressive and–”

“This is the part where you’re supposed to say despite all that you missed me,” I interrupted him.

He smiled. “You must’ve missed me if you’re trying to get me to admit that I missed you.”

“Gotcha,” I smirked. “And I missed all of your guys. How’d J survive?”

“Pretty well seeing as he called you every day.”

“Annoyed?”

“Let’s just say no one wants to be in the same room as him if he’s missing you.”

I laughed and shook my head as the waitress came over and took our drink orders. I glanced at Bobbie to see that she was looking out the window, bored I guess. Unfortunately the good side of my came out and I reluctantly asked, “What have you been up to, Bobbie?”

“Well, I’ve been with JC for the past couple of days,” she replied, smiling at him. He smiled in return and kissed her cheek. She let out a sigh of content. “Otherwise I’ve been shadowing some people at different magazines to see how they work. I’m lined up to get a pretty big job at a new teen magazine that’s in the works.”

“Oh. What’s it called?”

“J-14,” she replied. “It’s short for Just For Teens. Get it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “That’s pretty clever. Did you come up with the title?”

“I helped, but it wasn’t necessarily my idea.”

“How long have you been into journalism?”

“A few years, I was a journalism major back in college.” I nodded again and silence fell across the table. JC excused himself to use the bathroom, which didn’t help the silence all that well. “So, um, how do you know the guys?”

I raised an eyebrow. I was sure JC would’ve mentioned that by now. “Well, Justin’s my best friend, I grew up down the street from him. He landed a gig on The Mickey Mouse Club so he moved to Orlando and I moved with him. He met JC there and I met JC through Justin. Throughout the show we met Chris and Joey because we hung out in Disney World at lot and we saw each other through auditions and stuff. When they formed their group they brought Lance in and the rest is history.”

“And Justin got you your choreography job,” Bobbie supplied.

“Preactly,” I replied. She gave me a confused look. “Precisely and exactly. Sorry, I like using portmanteaus.”

“That’s ok.” She laughed a little. “So, you’ve known Josh for a while, huh?” I nodded slowly. Didn’t I just say that? “Did you ever, uh, like-like him?”

“JC!? No.” I shook my head and laughed at the thought. “If anything in the beginning he got on my nerves. He’s so serious all the time and I like to live in the moment and have fun. After a while I got used to it but…no, I never like-liked him.”

“What about Justin?” She looked up and thanked the waitress who put down out drinks.

I paused to take a big gulp of my apple cider. I loved the spicy taste mixed in with the taste of apples. I could feel the drink warming me from my toes up to my head. Now that’s the real way to get warm. “Justin’s my best friend, well more like my brother. We’re too close for me to consider dating him. It’d just be too weird.”

“Or any of them?” I shook my head. “You have to admit they’re good looking.”

“I never really noticed.” Liar. Well, I was starting to notice. I couldn’t help but notice. JC was handsome, Justin was a charmer, Lance had that adorable baby-face, Chris was…mysterious, and Joey had a funny charm to him. It seemed to me that I just started noticing them when I turned sixteen.

Stupid hormones, they bring nothing but trouble.

JC finally came back after complaining about Justin calling him while he was on the toilet and the waitress came to take our orders. Bobbie must’ve finally noticed the flirtatious winks the waitress was throwing at JC because she hooked her arm with his. I yawned and rubbed my eyes in the short time it took for them to make our food and come back. Not many people were in the diner, which didn’t surprise me. I was glad, I’d rather it be empty than full. If I had to pick between going to a fancy restaurant on a date or go to a diner like this I’d pick the diner.

“Have you had to sign any autographs yet?” JC asked between bites of his breakfast which he shared with Bobbie. Geeze, they’re really flaunting their coupleness.

“No. I’ve had to deal with a bunch of girls giving me the stink eye because I’m with Ben, though,” I replied. “I feel it’s close enough, at least people actually acknowledge me as I threat.” I laughed a bit. “All five foot two smallness of me. Yeah, I’m such a threat.”

“You have this confidence about you that makes people threatened, trust me, I’d know,” JC said teasingly.

“JC said you were having trouble deciding on your name. What’s the hard part?” Bobbie asked.

“Well, I don’t know if I want to be known as my full name like Whitney Houston or Michael Jackson or Mariah Carey, you know? People have a hard time pronouncing my last name. I mean, it’s not that hard,” I replied. “Then Liam, my manager, suggested I just go by my first name, kinda like Madonna, but he said it would have to be my full name but I hate my full name. No, I don’t hate it, I just associate it with when I’m in trouble.”

“Why not stage name?” JC asked.

“That’s the other problem, they want to go off of one of my many nicknames but some don’t sound right. We’ve narrowed it down to Mini, Mini D, Smurf, Shorty, and, for some reason, they want me to consider Oreo.” JC laughed and quickly turned it into a cough. “I don’t have to worry about it yet, only when it goes into mastering.”

“Mini D has a ring to it,” Bobbie said. “Let me guess, the ‘mini’ is because you’re small and the d from your last name?”

“Yeah, Justin wasn’t original,” I replied with an eye roll.

“Have you met with any rumors yet? Been in any magazines?”

“One up in Canada,” I replied and then faltered. I forgot that JC had asked her to leave all because of me. Bobbie waved her hand dismissing my thought as if reading my mind. “Remember the day my appendix ruptured?” I asked JC.

“Do I. Chris called the house all frantic. We just thought they didn’t have his favorite candy there or something,” JC replied.

I laughed at the image. Chris wasn’t one to care about the important things. “Anyway, two days later I picked up this daily teen newspaper thing that Momma brought home. On page…four, their version of Page Six, there was this thing saying that Nick and I were shopping for groceries for our house or something.” I rolled my eyes. “See, they were fans of the Backstreet Boys before the US really so they noticed big time when he was there. Naturally they thought we were dating.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why aren’t you dating?” Bobbie asked. “I mean, you’re cute and you’re fun so…” Was she being honest or was she trying to get on my good side?

“I’ve been wondering that myself. I mean I know some guys who would–” JC started.

“Hold the phone, Operator,” I interrupted him. “For one, I don’t like blind dates. Been on a couple, each ended in disaster. But they were people Trace knew so I should’ve seen that coming. And another, I have too much to deal with right now to even consider dating.”

“We just want to see you happy,” JC said.

“I am happy.” And maybe if I say that enough I’ll believe myself.

“Are you ok? You’re sucking up all the oxygen in here.” I glared at Ben as I tried to get my breathing under control and a random guy from the show stuck a mic to the collar of my t-shirt. In. Out. In. Out. Breathe. The guys are here in the audience, you’ll be fine. You’re going shopping afterwards. “Mackenzie, I’ll be here with you.”

“That’s not making me feel much better,” I admitted. “I mean, my management sucks. They just tell me that they’re extending the show to give us time to talk about our movie, how we like each other, blabbity blabbity blah and they expect me to be fine with it. Do they like seeing me freak out?”

“They must because it’s goddamn funny,” Ben replied. “Think about it, you have this huge air of confidence around you but as soon as you clear it away there’s a normal scared girl.”

“I’m not scared. I don’t do scared.”

“Well, scared is doing you right now, then.” I rolled my eyes. His jokes weren’t funny sometimes. “Like I said, I’m here with you.” He took my hand and gave it a squeeze as I forced myself to relax and we listened to the intro.

“My next guest is half of the genius writing team that brought you Good Will Hungting which he also starred in as well as starring in Chasing Amy and Going All The Way. His new film Father and Daughter opens in February and today is he joined by his co-star and new up and coming actress. Please welcome Ben Affleck and Mackenzie Desrosiers.”

Ben gave my hand another squeeze and the next thing I knew…I was actually onstage. The lights were bright and the audience was loud and I could hear my heart beating in my chest. I smiled and waved a little at the guys who were sitting near the back. We gave Rosie hugs and sat down in her chairs. I’m sitting on stage and I still can’t believe I’m here. I mean, I could reach out and touch Rosie.

“Thank you two for coming,” Rosie said as she sat down at her desk.

“Thanks for having us,” Ben and I said in unison.

“How are you two?”

“Good.”

“So, the film, Father and Daughter, I gotta say I saw the trailer and it looks like a great family movie,” Rosie said.

“Thank you,” I muttered.

“The movie’s storyline is really good. It deals with a lot of  things that a single father and daughter could go through and I think it’s really realistic. It is a family movie but it deals with a little more of the darker side of things,” Ben explained.

“How did you two get picked for the roles?” Rosie started.

“She got her part before I had taken a look at the script,” Ben started. I listened to his explanation as I took slow deep breaths to calm myself down. Energy was bouncing around inside of me and I really just wanted to get up and dance it off. The faces in the audience were kind which made me relax a bit. I thought back to some of the other episodes I saw and relaxed a bit more when I reminded myself that she has everyday kids on her show sometimes.

“And Mackenzie, or Mack, which do you prefer?” Rosie asked, turning to me.

“Uhm, either’s fine but I got by Mack,” I replied. Whoa, was that my voice that was that squeaky?

“How did you get your part?”

“Well, my mom has been trying to get me into the acting business for a while because she said I was a drama queen as I grew up. I didn’t want to do it until recently because I always told myself that if I ever wanted to do something I’d do it no matter what it takes. Anyway, at first I auditioned for Kate Winselt’s part in Titanic but they thought I was too young so they turned me over to this new script which, at the time, was called Parents. I read the part and about…two, three weeks later I got the part. I didn’t know that they had offered the role of the dad to Ben before hand, though.”

“Would that have made a difference?” Rosie asked.

I laughed. “No. Before this I actually had a huge crush on him. So if anything that was the reason I kept it.”

“Really?” Rosie laughed as the audience tittered. “Ben, how’d the process go? I mean, you’re working with someone who…dreamt of dating you I’m assuming.” I laughed a little as did Ben.

“It went well, really well actually,” Ben said, scratching behind his ear.  I looked around at everything, the lights, the crew, the audience, as I listened to him. “When I first got there the director said ‘Ok, the girl we have who’s going to play your daughter is an unknown and she has this big crush on your but I don’t want it to be awkward’. And I’m like ‘Great, I have to act with someone who probably wouldn’t want to act like my daughter’.” I smiled and lightly slapped him on the arm as he continued. “Anyway we go into the reading table room and this short girl stands up and walks over to me. I thought she was fourteen, thirteen the youngest. She sticks her hand out and says ‘Hi, my name’s Mackenzie Desrosiers, Mack for short, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m a huge fan of yours and that you’re my celebrity crush but I’m going to put those feelings away to be able to focus on this part’. And I’m like ‘Ok, let’s see how this goes’ and it worked out great. Her acting didn’t feel forced, it was natural and after a while she ended up feeling like a daughter to me, someone I could look out for.”

“Ok, and what’s the general storyline behind the movie?” Rosie questioned.

“It’s about this guy name Peter Carlisle who is used to living the life of a single bachelor who parties at night a lot and runs his own business during the day,” Ben explained. “And then one day, out of the blue, his daughter whom he didn’t know he had shows up and lives with him and the two have to learn about each other and deal with each other as her mother hunts her down and tries to take her back.”

“Mack, what was it like working with a sudden well known actor?”

“It was great; I learned a lot of stuff. He was able to teach me some things that, uh, helped with my performance.”

“And we learned some other things about each other while on set,” Ben added.

“Yeah, and we taught each other a lot. Like, he taught me how to do impressions and I taught him some magic that I had learned for my part because my character, Nikki, loves magic,” I added.

“And what was your favorite scene to shoot?” Rosie asked.

“Mine was the bedroom scene,” Ben replied. The audience made some whooing noises which caused me to burst out laughing. “Hey, she’s my kid, I can’t do that to her,” he cried out, causing them to laugh again. “But, um, the scene specifically was a great turning point in their relationship. It was this one scene where it was supposed to be storming and her character is afraid of storms so she goes into his room to ask if she could sleep there and they stayed up talking and getting to know each other. Actually, the funny part is we were filming that scene really late, like it was two in the morning when that scene was shot. So the part where she ends up falling asleep, she didn’t fake it, she actually fell asleep on set.”

“Really?” Rosie laughed.

I could feel my face burn. “Yeah, I was tired, you couldn’t blame me.”

“What’d you do?”

“Finished the scene,” Ben replied.

“And then he threw me into the nearby pool,” I said, glaring at him as he smiled coyly and the audience laughed. “Anyway, my favorite scene was the car scene because he was taking my character to get her license. I was fifteen at the time we were shooting so I was practicing for my license at the same time. We had a general idea of the scene but the whole thing ended up ad-libbed because of the real mistakes I was actually making.”

“They let you drive for the movie?”

“Yeah and we needed three cars on backup because she was so bad,” Ben added.

“Hey! You’re the one who gave me bad directions,” I shot back over the laughter of the audience.

“Ok, right now we’re going to take a break. When we get back Mackenzie’s going to perform a song from the movie and we’ll ask them a few questions that were sent in,” Rosie said to the camera before some music was played.

I sighed and lumped in my seat. “There, that wasn’t so hard,” Ben said as he patted my head.

“Don’t patronize me,” I muttered. “Didn’t you hear my heart beating like crazy?”

“That was your heart? I thought it was the bass drum.”

I chuckled. “Does it bother you that they’re pushing me to promote so much stuff? I mean you’re here too but essentially they said it was mainly about me.”

“Does it bother you?”

“I’m not used to being in the spotlight.”

“It’s good practice. I’m proud of you, kid. After this your world is going to change. The only thing you can do is enjoy the ride.”

“This experience isn’t even done yet. Don’t make me cry all ready; I have to save that for the Wrap Party.” I laughed again. “We must the weirdest people ever to have the Wrap Party after the L.A. premiere.”

“What can I say, I can’t let you go and live your life without me just yet.”

“Awww.” I pinched his cheek and he lightly slapped my hand away before I was called over to where the band was to get ready to perform. I convinced them to let me play guitar so I didn’t have to stare or figure out my stage presence or anything.

“Mack, you’re doing so well,” JC said happily, stepping onto the stage.

“Thanks Jace,” I said before turning to Justin and throwing my arms around him. “Juppy!  It’s about time you’re here! How’s the promo tour and everything?” I asked, letting go and hugging  Joey, Lance, and Chris.

“Well, it’s not the same without you,” Justin replied. “It’s fun but not the same. Come back on tour with us.”

“I can’t. I have CD stuff.”

“Won’t they make you do a promo tour soon? You can come on tour with us, as our opening act,” Lance suggested.

“You’d have to talk to my manager, not me. Trust me, I’d want to go on tour with you guys to but it’s all up to what my management wants me to do. If you get Johnny to talk to him maybe it’d work.”

“Ok, gimmie the phone, I’mma call Johnny,” Chris said as he wiggled his fingers.

“We still going to the mall?” Joey asked.

“Of course, I need to do something relaxing.”

“Don’t you think you should sleep? You said you didn’t get much,” JC pointed out.

“I’ll be fine. Stop worrying. Joey, Lance, we’re going after I’m done here.”

“I still don’t think you should go,” JC stated.

“JC, the last time I went without sleep was back in Europe and I ran off three hours of sleep. How did I do then?” I asked as someone from makeup ran over and touched up my face. Ugh, I hate makeup so much.

“You went crazy and snapped at us,” he replied. “I just don’t want you to crash and burn, Honeybee.”

“I’ll get to sleep between the mall and the party, ok? I promise. I know what I’m doing.”

JC sighed and went back to his seat as the camera men and produces went back to their places. I glanced down at the electric blue guitar they let me borrow before looking at Ben who gave me a thumbs up. I waited as we came back from a commercial and Rosie introduced me. I glanced at the drummer who nodded and clicked his drumsticks, signaling me in before I started playing the song I knew by heart.

Tell me where our time went

And if it was time well spent

Just don't let me fall asleep

Feeling empty again

Cuz I fear I might break

And I fear I can't take it

Tonight i'll lie awake

Feeling empty

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

We're better off without you

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

We're better off without you…

The song went through without a hitch. The bass player was slow at some parts and I briefly lost my place since I usually don’t play guitar on the song but otherwise it went really well and the audience seemed to love it. Rosie then took me back over to the chairs and we talked more about the movie, Ben’s thoughts and future plans, and they showed a clip of the movie as well. Rosie made me feel comfortable, more comfortable than I expected which helped me stay perfectly relaxed the rest of the interview. Until the conversation turned over to my other jobs.

“So, Mack, you’re not only an actress but you’re a musician as well, I see. How long have you been playing guitar?” Rosie asked.

“Umm, I think since I was…five. Yeah, I got my first guitar that Christmas,” I replied. “I’ve been playing it ever since.”

“That song you performed, you actually wrote it.”

“That’s right.”

“Did you write it for the movie?”

“No, I had written it through the past two years because I was going though some things and I felt…all this pressure being put on me and that’s how the song came out. Once I was playing the song for Ben between takes and the director heard it and he told my manager who convinced me to record it and now they’re going to put it on my album and on the movie’s soundtrack.”

“Your album?” Rosie repeated. I nodded. “You’re recording an album.”

“An EP, right now,” I replied. “Ben gave me the idea actually because he visited me in the studio sometimes, but half of it will be pop and the other half will be rock because me and my management can’t decide which to make my full length album so we’re just going to pay attention to the reviews and build a CD around that.”

“You fill the mold of a triple threat,” Rosie stated.

“Thank you,” I said with a small smile.

“I mean you act, you sing, and you dance. And you’ve been dancing since you were two?”

“Since I could walk, yeah,” I said nodded.

“And with your dancing you’ve made a name for yourself and even choreographed for the Backstreet Boys,” As soon as Rosie said their name peals of screams reached my ear. I laughed at that and at the picture she had brought up.

“Yes I did, well, co-choreograph. I helped their choreographer Fatima Robinson,” I corrected.

“How’d you land the job?”

“Well, I first got my choreography gig because I was choreographing a group that my best friend is in. They’re called *Nsync. They’ve started their promo tour here if you’ve heard of them.”

“I have actually, are they here?”

“Yeah, they’re up there,” I said as I pointed to the back row and the cameras were turned to them. I laughed and waved as they waved back. “Anyway, they curly haired one, Justin, he’s my best friend and he got me the job as their choreographer. It started out with choreographing their demo which got them signed to Transcon. Then I did videos and then a tour and each one were successful in their own right. Their manager, Johnny Wright, is also the Backstreet Boys manager and he suggested I choreograph something for them so I co-choreographed their song Everybody, which is coming out as a single next month.”

“What do you think of the Backstreet Boys?”

“They’re…they’re a great group of guys,” I replied. “They wanted me to feel comfortable right off the bat so they kept trying to make me laugh, which is easy because I find the stupidest things funny, but they knew when to be serious to and they were really easy to work with.”

“Uh huh,” Rosie said with a big smile.

“What?” I asked laughing a little.

“Oh come on, you’re a teenage girl, you must think one of them’s cute,” she nudged.

Oh God, I should’ve seen this coming. I laughed, “No, I don’t. Not really.”

“One of them? Brian? Nick?” She suggested. I could only shake my head I was laughing so hard. “Come on, you’re a girl, it’s only natural. You can just tell me. I won’t tell anyone, forget them.”

“I don’t, really I don’t,” I said as I finally got my breath back.

“Yeah yeah, we’ll get your confession soon, mark my words,” Rosie said with a sly smile.

“Anyway, I did that and it was a lot of fun so now I’m just waiting to hear from others if they want my help while promoting and working on my own CD.”

“Wow, sixteen years old and you’re all ready a juggling act,” Rosie commented. “Ben, how do you feel about everything that she’s doing?”

“As long as she has a good head on her shoulders I think she can do whatever she puts her mind to,” Ben replied. “As I said I think of her like, as a daughter now after spending so much time with her and I’m always going to be a fan of what she does and if she thinks that one day she wants to…become a trained sky diver I’ll support her in that as well.”

The audience cheered as I gave him a hug and thanked him for his kind words. Rosie then closed the show by allowing some fans to come up and get Ben’s autograph and giving details of when the movie comes out. What surprised me is that they wanted mine as well. I quickly scribbled my name and went back to get the mic taken off of me.

“Hey lady, I gotta head on out now,” Ben said to me. “I’ll see you again next month at the premiere!” I laughed at his excitement and hugged him. “It was a fun ride. Don’t forget you can call me if you just want to talk or anything, ok munchkin?”

“Ok, bye Ben!” I called, waving. He waved back and left the studio as the guys came rushing over to me. “Ok, was my face as red as I thought it was?”

“From the laughing, yeah. You looked like you got sunburned,” Justin replied.

“God!” I groaned covering my face. “Well, at least it won’t be aired until…a few weeks, crap,” I muttered. “Ok, so mall? You guys want to come?” I turned to JC, Chris, and Justin.

“Frankly I’m surprise you want to go,” Justin replied.

“My manager says I need dresses for my premiere and since it’s only a month away I need them now and Joey and Lance offered to take me,” I replied. “Do you want to go or not? Yes or no? You don’t even have to shop, you can just hang out with me and what’s more fun than that?”

“A root canal,” Justin replied with a teasing grin. I flipped him off. His grin got bigger and as he pulled me into a tight hug. “Ok, I’ll go to the mall with you. If and only if you buy me those new sneakers that I wanted.”

“That’s blackmail,” I protested.

“Actually that’s a bargain, do we have one?”

“I’ll get you the shoes if you get me tampons.”

Justin flinched visibly and slapped a hand across my mouth as the guys laughed. “Don’t even say that word around me.”

I pushed his hand away from me and poked at his stomach. He flinched and knocked my hand away as I kept trying. “Why? Are you afraid of the word or something? It’s natural, a part of life, you’re going to have to deal with it when you get married,” I pointed out.

“Yes, but I don’t want to deal with it now.”

“Tampons!” I said, laughing as I continued to jab at his stomach. ‘Tampons! Pads! Bras! Periods!”

“Stop it!” Justin yelled as he covered his ears and ran out of the studio.

I laughed and triumphantly put my hands on my hips as the others laughed in amusemant. “And that’s how you get Justin to change his mind.”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

“Ugh. Why are we still here? She’s too damn, picky, we’re not going to find anything,” Justin groaned from his chair in front of the dressing room. We had been in this particular dress store for the past twenty minutes. I wouldn’t say I was picky but I didn’t want to wear a dress that would look bad. Actually, I didn’t want to wear a dress in the first place but since I have to I wanted to get one that meet Joey’s and Lance’s stamp of approval and so far we haven’t found it. I bet the sales ladies were getting tired of us as well, especially since Justin was sighing in frustration every two minutes. JC had disappeared long ago with Bobbie so we didn’t question where he went or what he was doing for fear of bad mental images.

“Hey, if anyone’s pick it’s Lucky over here,” I said, slapping Chris’s knee.

He looked up from where he was balancing a pen on the top of his lips. “Me!?” he cried out, frowning when the pen dropped to the floor. “How’m I picky?”

“You took twenty minutes to pick a flavor of chocolate ice cream, re-mem-ber?” I asked.

“You can’t put a time limit on chocolate,” Chris said in defense.

“There was no fucking difference between them.”

“Yes there was, one was Chocolate the other was Chocolatey! There’s a huge difference.” He then snapped in my face and did a small head roll. “Oh yeah, I went there.” I laughed and pushed his finger out of my face.

“Can we at least go to the Food Court while we’re waiting? I haven’t eaten all morning.”

That explains his bitter attitude. I dug money out of my pocket and held it out to him. “Here, go nuts.”

“Thanks babe,” Justin said, suddenly cheerful. He lightly pecked my lips before running off.

“Geeze, he was starting to get on my nerves,” I muttered.

“What did you just say?” Lance questioned.

I turned to look at him. “I said he was starting to get on my nerves, why?”

Joey let out a loud comedic gasp as Chris jumped to his feet and shouted, “Everyone to the doorways. The world’s about the end!”

I put my hands on my hips. “So I think J’s annoying, so what?”

“Mack, you’ve never said anything bad about Justin since I’ve met you,” Lance said slowly.

“What’s your point?”

“My point is…it’s a relief, actually. I mean, Justin’s been, like…the dominant one in your friendship and, I don’t know, it’s good that you’re finally speaking up.”

I clicked my tongue. “Justin’s not dominant in our friendship.”

“Yes he is,” they chorused.

“He walks all over you like a doormat,” Chris added. “He makes you do the simplest things he could do himself.”

“He makes your plans take the backseat to his,” Lance added.

“And he’s been a jerk to you lately,” Joey finished.

I shook my head and laughed incredulously. “And you’re supposed to be his best friends.”

“We are,” JC said, appearing out of nowhere. I lifted an eyebrow when I noticed he had a dress bag hooked over his shoulder. His other hand was grasping Bobbie’s tightly. “And as his friends and your friend we’re entitled to telling you when your best friend is treating you like shit and you can’t see it.”

I shook my head again. “You guys…you just don’t understand. You haven’t known Justin as long as I have. You don’t know the real him, I do.”

“Yeah, but Mack–”

I held up my hand and stopped all of them from speaking. “Case closed,” I said firmly.

So I was hoping after going to the mall I’d be able to just go back to the hotel and watch TV, sleep, and maybe order room service. Of course I wasn’t able to do that. Liam peddled me around New York doing different radio interviews. Also in the car on the way back to the hotel he told me that tomorrow I’d be doing phone interviews for radio stations and magazines, a photo shoot for the EP and going to Live with Regis and Kathy Lee and The View, then going back into the studio to finish the EP so they could release it as early as possible, i.e. next month along with the movie. After announcing that I’d be working on an EP the producers at Jive decided to get me back into the studio as soon as possible to finish it. The rock half was done, Pressure was recorded weeks ago as well as my other favorite, Emergency. Now they wanted me to do the pop half and they were brining in Max Martin and Denniz PoP. Liam talked about it the whole way back to the hotel but by then I was hanging onto a few of his words, I was so tired. By the time I got back to the hotel I only had forty-five minutes to do whatever I wanted before we had to head back out to the party.

I was too tired to move once I got to the hotel I didn’t know how I was going to get to this party. The guys came to check on my from time to time. I guess they thought I was dead because I wasn’t “bothering” them as much as I usually did. They’re the ones who bother me, actually, but since I’m the only girl I usually get out voted. Lance decided to spend some time with me, but in reality that meant I had my head on the pillow that was in his lap, relaxing, as he ran his fingers through my hair, the one thing that gets me relaxed the fastest.

“Are you excited?” Lance asked, running his fingers over the perfect spot on the back of my head. A lazy smiled crossed my face and I let out a sigh of content before answering.

“For what?” I mumbled. “Going to sleep?”

He laughed. “No, the party. Your EP. The movie.”

“Ask me that again when I’m awake,” I yawned. “I know you guys said that this would be hard, but this is ridiculous. How do you sleep?”

“We don’t. We’re walking zombies. We’re just waiting for the right moment for you to fall asleep so we can eat your brains!” he let out a little growl and started tickling my sides.

“Aaah! No! Stop!” I laughed as I tried to get away from him. His quick fingers brushed my side in a way that caused me to laugh hysterically. “Lance, quit it!”

“See, there’s that smile that I love,” Lance beamed, letting me sit up. My abs ached more than they did after my core workouts. “Did you pick what you’re going to wear yet?” I shook my head. “What!? The party’s in…half an hour!” I rolled over as he jumped off of the bed and started going through my suitcase.

“Don’t blow a blood vessel, it’s just a party,” I mumbled, flopping back onto my bed and pulling out my cell phone. “It’s not just a party. It’s the party. All the important people of the entertainment business will be there,” he replied, throwing my clothes around the room. “You’ll want jeans, right?”

“Right,” I replied.

“Ok, how’s this?” Lance asked, holding up the clothes. I tapped my chin as I looked them over. Black and white striped t-shirt, dark wash jeans, black jacket. Simple, comfortable, can withstand the brutal New York cold…

“I like it,” I said, taking it from his hands. “That’s another winner, Lance. I swear I should hire you as my stylist.”

“I might take you up on that seeing as I’m the worst dancer in the group,” he joked.

“That may be true but you’re the sweetest,” I said before kissing his cheek. A light blush bloomed across his face as he smiled. “Thanks again.”

“No problem. Ok, we’re going to meet in the lobby in twenty,” Lance said as he looked at his watch. “Cars should be waiting for us to take us to the party. Try not to be late.”

I lifted a finger and corrected him. “Tell that to JC.” He laughed and left the room.

I yawned and shook my head. My day was long but usually I can bounce back from it but for some reason I was dead tired. I shook my head and shuffled to the bathroom, my clothes in hand. I dropped them in a heap on the floor, ran the water, and splashed some onto my face. They say that’s supposed to wake people up…it just got me wet.

I rubbed a towel over my face and peered at myself in the mirror. The only signs of me being tired were my slightly puffy eyes. I figured that would go away with the inevitable amount of sodas I’d end up drinking. Liam says I should stay away from the sugary-drinks but it was a party for fuck’s sake. Since I couldn’t drink yet I might as well get the mother of all sugar rushes to make up for it, right?

I stripped my clothes and hopped into the shower, feeling my tense muscles relax under the beating warm water. It was as if Poseidon’s (or King Triton’s) fingers were working their way into my muscles, gently pulling away the knots and taking away my aches and pains along with it. Sure, I didn’t do much today, just stand, sit and walk but I was hunched over all the time. It felt as if Justin was sitting on my shoulders all day or something.

I wrapped myself in a towel and stepped out of the shower, cursing under my breath about the hotel having hardwood floors instead of tile. I about busted my head on the freaking bathtub. I wiped the fog off of the mirror and quickly blow dried and straightened my hair. If I didn’t then it’d turn all wavy and it takes forever for me to get my comb through it.

After finger combing my hair I quickly changed into my clothes, taking a look at them through the mirror. I tugged at the hem of my shirt, twisting it this way and that. I cuffed, un-cuffed, and cuffed my pants over and over again trying to figure out which way would work better. I stopped once I realized what I was doing. I don’t know why I was so nervous; it’s just a party that’s launching a magazine with a bunch of celebrities there helping celebrate…whom I could easily embarrass myself in front of…crap.

I stared hard at the makeup package that was sitting on my sink. Joey strongly suggested that I wear some makeup tonight, at least around my eyes but nothing too dramatic. And when I say ‘strongly suggested’ I mean practically forced. Ok, so how do I use this stuff? I asked myself as I unzipped the little bag and began pulling things out. I remember––when I was much younger––I used to sit on the sink and watch Momma as she put on her makeup. At the time I thought she didn’t need it, that she was wasting her time, but now I kinda understood why she put it on.

I still didn’t like it though.

Admitting defeat, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Lynn’s number. There was no way I could ask my mom about this, she’d probably just laugh at me or call me some sort of hypocrite before she helped me out. Lynn, I knew, would help me without questions. That’s part of the reason why I loved her and considered her my second mother.

“Hey, Lynn. I hope I’m not calling at a bad time,” I said once she picked up, making faces at the different types of makeup and the plethora of shades.

“Of course not, sweetie, I’ll always make time for you,” Lynn replied, cheerfully. “How are you doing? Have you gotten enough sleep lately?” Her southern voice was mixed with concern.

I chuckled. “Momma Lynn, you know me too well.”

“Well, I like to think I had a hand in raising you,” she replied. “Did you need anything?”

“I do, actually,” I said, picking up a brush and looking it over. “I was hoping you’d be able to help me…put on some makeup,” I admitted through clenched teeth. It truly was hard getting those words out of my mouth. I thought I was going to throw up or something.

Lynn laughed. “Well, why do you sound so tortured about it?”

“You know I’m not good with this stuff. I would’ve asked my mom but she would’ve carried on about it and teasing me and poking fun instead of helping me and I need to get out of here in…” I paused to look at my watch. “Fifteen minutes.”

“Ok, what are you going for? The whole face?”

“Just my eyes. Nothing too dramatic. Um, I have some black eyeliner and some eye shadow. At least I think its eye shadow.” I groaned. “Lynn, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

She laughed again. I suddenly missed being back in Memphis. I missed my horse and my house and going to the creek and my friends. Huh, I really should’ve thought about this business before I signed that contract. I followed Lynn’s instructions over the phone as I applied the eye shadow to my face. I went through three colors (violet, purple, and light blue) before settling on gray, it looked better with my eyes supposedly. I thanked Lynn and hung up, deciding that I could put the eye shadow on myself. I mean, how hard could that be?

“Heh-looooooooo??” Justin shouted as the door to my hotel room swung open and hit the other wall with a bang. It scared me so much I jabbed the eyeliner pencil into my eye.

“Merde!” I yelled, holding onto my stinging and water eye. “Connard! Bon sang!”

“Are you singing some French song?” Justin asked, pushing open the door to the bathroom. I turned and glared at him with my one good eye. “Ohh, you’re trying to be a pirate!”

“Not funny,” I growled, wiping away the tears that were getting ready to fall from my eye. “I just stabbed myself in the eye.”

“Don’t do that, it’ll hurt.”

“No shit!”

Justin laughed and ducked to avoid my kick that was aimed at his head. “What’re you wearing makeup for anyway? It’s just a party.”

“I know, Joey wanted me to though,” I replied, turning and opening my eye wide to look at it in the mirror. It wasn’t that red, only a light pink now. I picked up the pencil and tried again.

“If he told you to would you jump off a bridge? C’mon, take the stuff of, it’s not you,” he said as he wetted a washcloth. Before I could even protest he pressed the washcloth against my eyes and rubbed until I was sure he was going to rub my eyelids into dust. He pulled it away to check on his work and smiled.  “See? You have a natural face, you don’t need that stuff.”

Despite the compliment what he said bothered me a little. “But what if I want to…I don’t know; bring out my eyes or something?” I mumbled, shrugging.

Justin laughed. Like, full on laughed. At me. As if I told a joke or fell on my face or something. And that hurt. “Why? Are you trying to impress someone?”

My lip twitched. “No, just talkin’.” I sighed. “Are you ready to go?” I questioned, digging in my bag for a pair of converses. I have, like, seven different pairs–all different colors–that I wear depending on my mood. “Which ones?” I asked holding up the white, red, and blue pairs.

“Ummm, red, you need some color,” Justin replied. “And we’re going to have to wait a bit for JC.”

“He’s not changed yet?”

“No, that’s not the problem,” Justin said with a sly smile.

“Then what is?” I asked, lacing them up.

“Well, let’s just say that he’s putting the ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ sign to good use.”

I stopped and looked up at Justin who continued to smile. “Ew,” I muttered. “Ew. Ew! Ew! Bad images! Get it out of my head, it burns!”

“There’s nothing wrong with sex, you know.”

“I’m not saying there is. What I am saying is don’t want images of JC and Bobbie going at it like rabbits in my head.” I groaned when the knot I had made in my shoe laces acme undone in my hands again. Growling, I quickly tied it again and held out my hands. He easily pulled me to my feet. “Room key?” I asked him as I slipped mine into my pocket.

“Got it,” he said, flashing his in my face. He dropped his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to his side, leading us towards the door. “And now let’s grace the others with our presence, darlin’.”

I laughed at his sudden burst of energy. He loved going to parties, it was the only time he had a chance to go and hang out with others that were around his age and actually act normal. Sometimes I wondered if he felt robbed of his childhood. I know I felt that way sometimes but I was able to go back to school sometimes, but I decided not to stay. The kids in my Orlando school hated me and I didn’t really fit in with the kids in my Memphis school except for Rachael and Trace, but they didn’t count.

We got into the elevator and Justin started whistling under his breath as I watched the numbers change on the panel. I still don’t know why I was going to this party. It wasn’t like I knew anyone and if my day tomorrow was going to be as packed as Liam said it would be I would need my sleep, won’t I?

Liam was a little bit too eager to get me to the next level. He has good intentions and all but still it’s too much at one time. I mean, in the last few weeks I’ve been shoved into the studio, pedaled back and forth between New York and Orlando, going to radio stations, going to interviews, taking pictures, publicity stunts, etc. I, admittedly, wasn’t having much fun being an actress, a dancer, and a singer all at one time. If I could take back my decision and do one at a time I’d be so much happier, but I can’t say that to Liam. I can’t even admit it to Justin. He’s excited over the idea that we’d be able to bond over something else and go on tour together, not just as me being their choreographer or assistant or a lucky friend.

The ding of the elevators grabbed my attention. I lightly shook my head and allowed Justin to grab my hand and lead me out of the elevator. Lance, Joey, and Chris were in the lobby with Dani and Kelly. The two were dressed in nice tops and skirts and heels. I twisted my mouth to the side and looked them over. “Um, I thought this party was casual,” I commented.

“It is, but I wanted to dress up a bit for my man,” Kelly replied with a wink towards Joey who got a stupid grin on his face. She then turned to me and smiled sympathetically. “I hear you’re being worked to the bone. How’re you feeling?”

I shrugged. “Good, I guess. All this is still new to me so I’m trying to figure out my sleeping schedule.”

“You’re not going to sleep in New York,” Dani said with a laugh as she shook her head her braided pigtails lightly hitting her in the face. “What with the sirens, the people, the lights, no one ever sleeps here. It’s why they invented coffee.”

I laughed as Joey studied my face and finally asked, “Hey, how come you aren’t wearing the eye stuff like I asked you to do?”

“You asked her to wear makeup?” Chris questioned.

“And she went along with it?” Kelly added incredulously, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

I huffed. It wasn’t like it was news. Well, it kinda was but I am a girl, I can wear makeup if I want to. “I was going to, but, um, Justin suggested that I don’t,” I replied lamely.

“Yeah, Joe. She’s much beautiful without it,” Justin agreed, smiling at me and giving my hand a squeeze.

“Okay,” Joey said slowly, giving me a questioning look with his eyes. I just shrugged and smiled weakly. He turned to talk to Lance about something but he continued to glance at me out of the corner of his eye. I was about to complain about JC taking long when the elevator doors opened with a dang. “Well it’s about damn time! You’re such a slow…fuck,” I muttered.

Justin looked at me before turning around himself. His jaw dropped and his eyeballs about popped out of his head. Chris noticed Justin and turned to look himself, which caused a chain reaction and chocked looks on their faces.

“Well, slow wouldn’t be the word I’d use to describe JC,” Bobbie said with a smile, kissing JC on the cheek. He beamed and ate that stuff up as she clung to his arm and modeled her short, black, skin-tight glittery dress. She looked like a squished disco ball. I turned to look at Dani and Kelly and they looked back at me with what I bet was the same expression on my face: this girl’s too overdressed.

I couldn’t help but look at the other girls and look down at my own clothes. I felt so out of place, it was weird. I turned to Justin. “Can we go? I need to dance. Like, right now.”

Yeah, dancing will do me some good. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about having to see Bobbie slobbering all over JC’s ear, like she was doing now.

Gross.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

“Man, so many fly hunnies around. I don’t know where to start,” AJ said with a laugh, lowering his dark sunglasses to get a better look at the women who mingled through the thick crowd that was on the dance floor as well as mingling with other people in the business.

Kevin rolled his eyes and took a sip from his drink. His on-off-currently on girlfriend, Kristin Willits, was sitting on his lap and taking a sip from her drink as well. She put it down and commented, “Why don’t you start in the doghouse? Oh wait, you’re there all ready.”

She smiled innocently as the others and Brian’s girlfriend, Leighanne Wallace, laughed at his expense. AJ grumbled, “You’re lucky I like your boyfriend.”

“I’m lucky to have this guy as my boyfriend,” Kristin corrected, kissing his cheek. He put down his drink and kissed her cheek in return.

“Please! Don’t make me gag,” Nick muttered, playing with a cube of ice on the table as he scanned the party.

They had gotten an invite at the last minute. They had to stop in New York because their plane was delayed from the snow. It didn’t do much to deter them from their route, though. Their next show wasn’t until the next two days which meant they finally had time to relax and look at the sights and not worry about press or anything. Johnny had gotten the invite from some people over at Jive. They wanted the Boys there to celebrate the launch of a new magazine and to represent the Jive name.

They were all happy to be able to do something fun for once but Nick was bored out of his mind. Frick, his partner in crime, was occupied with his girlfriend. Not that he didn’t like Leighanne––quite the opposite––he thought she was amazing and understood why they were together. It’s just that whenever they were together they left him out of things and he had no one else to hang out with. Sure, there was Howie but after five minutes he somehow managed to get on Howie’s nerves, not that he did it on purpose. He wasn’t even aware he bothered Howie in most cases. Then Kevin, well, he didn’t want to have fun. Not in the way Nick wanted to have fun at least. Kevin would stop Nick in his tracks before he even got there. AJ, those two were good when it came to thinking of something to do or tricks to play but lately the only AJ has been doing was making fun of all of them and Nick wanted to keep his distance. He didn’t want to have to deal with hearing more “fat” jokes.

So what if Nick has been eating a bit more lately? If AJ knew the real reason why he's been acting that way, AJ wouldn’t be making the jokes in the first place. If AJ––or if any of them––knew the real reason why he’d been acting strangely lately then they wouldn’t make fun of him constantly. If they knew, they’d make a decision about letting Johnny and Lou go faster than what they’re doing now. But then, if they knew, they wouldn’t stop looking at him with pity and then the whole world would know, and that’s not what he wanted. He just wanted everything to go away and go back to normal.

Nick moved his ice cube over with his straw and flicked the end. He watched as the clear cube slid across the table, leaving a see-through trail behind it. It slid right off the edge and into the glass that AJ held on the side of the table. He threw his arms into the air in triumph. “And it’s good!” He cheered.

“Wow, you’re having fun with an ice cube? How pathetic,” Howie muttered from his seat.

“No, you’re the pathetic one. You can’t even get a girl to dance with you. How many girls have I danced with? Hmmm, how much is this?” Nick stuck his hand in Howie’s face and wiggled all of his fingers.

“I’ll find someone to dance with,” Howie vowed, getting up and shoving his way through the crowd.

“Go use that Spanish charm,” AJ called, raising his glass. Howie gave him a thumbs up and disappeared in the crowd. “Ok, I bet he’s going to fail in the next ten minutes.”

“Five,” Nick challenged him.

“Guys, come on, have some faith in Sweet D,” Kristin scolded.

“We do have faith in him,” Brian said with a smile. “We have faith that he’ll screw up like usual.” The group burst out laughing and Kristin even cracked a smile, looking around the party. Kevin caught her wandering eyes, put his drink down, took her hand, and led her to the dance floor. AJ also got up, saying something about wanting to see a blond who was making eyes at him. For all Brian and Nick knew it was just his own reflection on his sunglasses but AJ walked off anyway.

“Babe, I’m going to the bathroom. Want to dance when I get back?” Leighanne asked, turning to Brian.

“Of course. Take your time.” He planted a kiss on her cheek. She squeezed his hand before moving through the crowds to get to the bathroom. His eyes rested on Johnny and Lou who were, once again, circling the area as if keeping their eyes on them. “Geeze, their Big Brother routine is giving me the willies,” he muttered.

“You’re telling me,” Nick grumbled. “Can we go now? We’ve been here long enough and the food’s crappy? Let’s go to McDonald’s or something.” He didn’t care that he was whining; it wasn’t like anyone could hear him over the loud music anyway. His stomach was twisted in knots, either from Lou’s glare or the fact that he hadn’t eaten in a while. His head was pounding and the last thing he wanted was to be stuck in a room full of body heat. Really, he wanted to be alone. He was homesick, his friends were constantly putting him at the butt of his jokes, his girlfriend broke up with him two months ago (of which he’s still not over) and he hasn’t been able to get a hold of Mack.

Lately––really since she called them, thanking them for her Christmas gifts––he just wanted to be in the same room as her, talking to her about anything and everything. He couldn’t help but notice that when she was with the ‘N Sync guys she didn’t seem t come to life, no matter how happy she was. However, whenever she was with the Boys she was animated right up to her eyes. Or maybe he was being biased, Nick didn’t know. He just knew he had to be around someone who would listen to him and know what it’s like being the youngest and in the business. Of course, she wasn’t as desired as the Boys were, but he saw her dance, he saw her trailers, he heard her singing. She had it all and he knew that she would do well but at the same time he didn’t want her to go through the same pressures and trouble that they’ve gone through.

“You ok, Frack?” Brian asked, nudging Nick’s arm. “You’re way too quiet.”

“I told you, I didn’t want to come,” Nick grumbled.

“Nick, we’re finally getting a night off and we have the day off tomorrow as well. Might as well have fun with it, right?” Nick grunted. Brian sighed. “Nick, I know it’s been hard for you since...well, you know, but you can’t dwell on that. It’ll only make you feel worse. You didn’t need a girl like that. She didn’t want you for you. She wanted Backstreet Nick, not Nick Carter.” He looked around the room before looking at Nick again. “Think of this tour as a clean slate. You can start over and let the girl come to you instead of going after the girl.”

“Whatever, B,” Nick sighed. “I don’t care right now. I just want some good food.”

Just then Leighanne returned with a big smile on her face. “Hey guys, look who I found!”

Brian looked past her and a grin split across his face. “Canada!”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

“B-rock!” I shouted happily as he crushed me in a hug. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

“We came in at the last minute,” he explained, eyes shining. “Our flight got cancelled and we don’t have another show for a few days so we decided to drop by. What’re you doing here?”

“Representing Jive, I guess,” I replied, shrugging. “They’re trying to get me as many appearances as possible. It’s driving me crazy.”

“Been there, done that,” Brain said with a wave of his hand. “You get used to it. It comes with the territory.”

“Don’t I know it? I have a full day tomorrow and I haven’t gotten much sleep and I haven’t eaten and this place has crappy food!” I cried out, throwing my hands into the air, almost knocking over a tray filled with drinks. A lady shot me a glare and I ignored her as Leighanne quickly apologized for me.

“Finally someone agrees with me,” Nick said so suddenly that I jumped. “Let’s get some McDonald’s!”

“Blondie has a good idea,” I said, jerking my thumb in his direction. He smiled and stuck his tongue out at Brian who chuckled.

“Why aren’t you with your friends?” Nick asked me, playing with an ice cube. Ah, the one question I didn’t want, I thought, fighting the urge to roll my eyes. He had a peculiar bitter tone when he said friends.

“What friends?” I grumbled. “Don’t you mean employers?”

Brian, Nick, and Leighanne gave me a confused look. Of course they were shocked at my outburst; I’ve never said anything bad about the guys. Even when I was annoyed with them I’ve never uttered one mean comment, until now.

As soon as we got to the party the guys split up and went their own ways. JC, Joey, and Chris automatically took their women to the dance floor, laughing and being all smiley and basically flaunting that they were happy with their respective other. Lance went to find Johnny to talk to him about something or other. Lance was business-like like that. Justin, well, he’s what made me pissed off in the first place. I was apprehensive about going in the first place but the guys had convinced me I’d have fun. Well, they were WRONG! The worst part? Justin pedaled me around the party introducing me as his choreographer.

Where’s the problem in that? Well, my friend’s, that’s the only way he introduced me. He didn’t bother to mention the fact that I was his best friend of fourteen fucking years. Or that I was there for promotion. No, I could see in everyone’s eyes that they thought I was just some fan of sorts. It didn’t help that most of them mistook me for being thirteen. Ok, I know I’m short and I know I’m small but come on! Surely they could tell I wasn’t a freaking teenie, but no. Curse my short stature.

So, basically, I spent most of the night sitting at a table by myself feeling like a loser, watching everyone else have fun. When it came to parties I didn’t hesitate to bust out my moves and have fun, but here I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be myself. I didn’t feel like myself. It’s like…being around all of these people had shut me down or something. I didn’t like the feeling at all. Lance at least cared enough to ask if I were ok and I, like usual, hid what I was feeling and said I was fine; I was “just tired”. Come on, Lance, every boy should know that a girl’s lying when they say that.

“Long story,” I said with a wave of my hand.

“Are you ok, darlin’?” Leighanne asked, putting a hand on my shoulder. I just shrugged and suddenly felt a hard slap to the back of my head.

“What the fuck!?” I yelled, rubbing my head, turning around to find the culprit. In my line of vision was a wall of black. I looked up to see Kevin’s apologetic face. “Should’ve known it was you, Train,” I mumbled, rubbing my head.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you,” he quickly apologized.

“Most don’t,” I sighed. “Hey Kristin,” I greeted her with a small wave.

“How are you, Shorty?” She asked, lightly elbowing Kevin in the side.

“I’ve been better,” I admitted. “Long days, no sleep. I’m sure you hear it all the time from Kev. Where are Howie and AJ?”

“Finding some girls to dance with and most likely failing at it,” Nick replied. “Like always. Can we go now? I think my stomach’s eating itself.”

“Geeze, Nicky, stop whining,” AJ commented, coming up to the group. “You’re such a little boy sometimes.”

“I am not! Take that back! I don’t whine.”

AJ smirked. “Then what’re you doing now?” Nick slumped in his seat and pouted. AJ rolled his eyes. “Frack has a point, though. I’m starving. Let’s split, we’ve been here long enough to keep our puppet masters happy, haven’t we?”

“We have to find Howie first,” Brian pointed out. “But ok. I’m getting hungry myself. What about you, Kevin?”

“I think we’ve been here long enough,” Kevin agreed.

“Canada, why don’t you come with us?” Brian asked, turning to me. “Unless you have to stay with your friends…”

“No, I can come. Let’s do it,” I said, nodding.

“Don’t you want to tell them where you’re going?”

I scowled. “I don’t need to report to them. I’m with you guys, aren’t I? It’s not like I’m going off with a bunch of strangers, right?”

“Well, ok then. Let’s go.”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Justin thanked the girl that was dancing with him with a bow and a kiss on the hand. She giggled, gave him a finger wave, and walked off to find her friends. Justin wiped the sweat off his brown with his palm and went in search for his drink. That lady left him parched, she had a lot of stamina. They danced seven songs back to back and they slow danced at least twice. If only I got her name or her number, he thought as he ran a hand through his sweaty curls, pushing them off of his forehead. Huh, I need to get another cut or I’ll look like a poodle.

“Here you guys are,” Justin called over the loud music that was playing. He dropped down in a chair and gulped the Coca-Cola that was on the table. JC and Joey greeted him with nods of their heads. Next to Joey, Kelly was looking around the room, talking excitedly to Danielle. Bobbie, as always, was perched on JC’s lap, her arms around his neck. “Man, I figured you guys would be on the dance floor? The tunes are sick.”

“The girls’ feet were hurting so we took a break,” Joey replied.

“That’s why you shouldn’t wear heels,” Justin said with a laughing, shaking his head.

“They went with this outfit,” Kelly protested as Joey put an arm around her shoulders. “Plus, I now have an excuse to get Joey to give me a foot massage.”

“I hope you’re talking about a different Joey,” he commented as she stuck her tongue out at him. He stuck his tongue out in return. She returned the gesture and he grabbed her tongue, laughing. She retaliated by slobbering all over his hand. He made a face of disgust and reached out to wipe it on her but she shrieked and backed away from him, laughing as he wiped his hand off on a napkin.

“Wow, now I know why Mack’s not here. She’d gag at your PDA,” Justin commented dryly. “Hell, I’m trying to keep my food down.”

“You didn’t care when you were with Veronica,” JC pointed out, tilting his head slightly as Bobbie’s fingernails grazed his ear.

“I was too blinded by her beauty and besides I don’t like showing off my girl.”

“It’s not showing off J, it’s showing affection.”

“Whatever. Still makes me sick. That’s probably why Lance isn’t here either.”

“Speaking of, where did he and Mack disappear to?” Chris asked, playing with Dani’s braids. He had been making weird engine noises and rocking from side to side in his seat, pretending he was riding a motorcycle or something.

“Lance I saw talking to some people about a half hour ago. He’s probably just mingling, getting names,” Joey said, pausing to take a sip of his drink. “Mack, however, I haven’t seen since we got here.”

“Really? That’s odd,” Justin said, taking another sip of his drink.

“Well, she was with you wasn’t she?”

“Yeah, but then she said she had to go to the bathroom and I haven’t seen her since then.” Justin shrugged. “She’s probably on the balcony talking to some people.”

“In this weather?” JC questioned.

“She’s from Canada of all places; she can deal with a little snow.” He turned his attention to a leggy brunette who had walked by, smirking at him. He grinned at the guys, wiggled his eyebrows, and quickly chased after the girl. Dani and Kelly grabbed their boyfriends’ hands and dragged them to the dance floor. Chris and Joey groaned but eagerly followed their girls anyway.

“You want to dance too?” JC asked, turning to Bobbie.

“I want to dance just…not here,” she said coyly, dragging a finger down his chest.

He took her finger and kissed the pad. “Then where?” He asked with a smirk.

“You know where,” she replied, nuzzling his neck. She smirked when she saw his eyes slide shut at her touch, his skin erupting in goose flesh and a shiver rolled down his spine. Yes, I’ve got him.

“Mmmmmkay,” JC sighed, opening his eyes, his pupils dilated. “Just let me tell the other’s I’m leaving.”

She kissed the side of his mouth. “Hurry back.” He nodded and went to find his friends. The smirk stayed on her face as she watched him hurry through the crowds. She pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number. “Hey Fi.”

“Hey girl. How’s everything going?”

“It’s going good. I have him eating out of the palm of my hand. Or…a little lower,” Bobbie giggled.

“Fi” gasped. “Girrrllll, you are bad!”

“It won’t be long before he’s totally committed to me. I just have to keep that brat he’s so fond of out of the way.” Bobbie rolled her eyes as she twisted a strand of hair around her finger.

“You don’t think he actually likes her do you?”

“No but I think she likes him but it wouldn’t matter. He’s out of her league and I’m twice the woman she is. JC will be mine and stay mine I don’t have to worry about that with what I’m giving him. I just have to make sure his attention doesn’t stray long enough for him to satisfy my needs as well.” She looked up and quickly dropped her finger. “He’s coming back, I gotta go. I’ll call you when I get the chance.”

“Have fun,” “Fi” said with a laugh.

“I always do.” Bobbie quickly hung up her phone and managed to put it back in her purse before JC yanked her out of her chair and pulled her towards the door. “Whoa, Josh, where’s the fire?” She asked, following him as quick as she could with heels.

“You’ll be on fire as soon as we get back to the hotel,” he replied breathlessly.

That’s what I like to hear.

“I’m going to get an earful from Johnny,” I muttered as I bounced on my toes, rubbing my arms to try and get feeling back into them. Walking for blocks in the snow in New York is not a good idea, especially when you don’t know where the McDonald’s you’re looking for is located. Brian claimed it was one way and Nick claimed it was another so they took us in different directions until Kevin finally asked someone on the street.

“Why? We’re the ones who left voluntarily,” Brian pointed out.

“He’ll probably think I kidnapped you guys or something,” I replied.

Howie looked me from head to toe. “Somehow I doubt that a five-foot-two girl who’s as thin as a stick could kidnap all of us.”

“You never know. I have connections.”

“To what? An army of smurfs?”

“Howie, leave her alone,” Leighanne laughed. “Guys, why don’t you order for us while we girls find a place to sit?”

I looked at her before looking around the place slowly. As it was when we entered, the place was practically empty besides us and a few other people. “Um, Leigh, I know you’re older than me but I’m pretty sure your eyesight hasn’t gone just yet,” I teased. She lightly slapped my arm as Brian chuckled. “Can you get me a #6? Everything large and a Sprite. I’ll pay you back, I promise.”

“I know you’re good for it,” Brian replied.

“Hold onto that one, Leigh. You’re a lucky girl,” I commented as we sat in a booth in the back-corner of the place.

“I know,” she said with a smile. “Sometimes I think that I’m dreaming and I’m just going to wake up one day and find out this wasn’t real.”

“Same here, I feel that exact same way every time Kevin smiles at me,” Kristin agreed. I smiled and kicked my feet forward and back underneath the table. I was glad that they were happy, but at the same time I wanted to kick them. I was about to go into diabetic shock, I sear. I mean, it was endearing but I have to deal with that around my guys all the time, I’d rather talk about (or listen to) anything else.

I jumped when my phone vibrated in my pocket. Leighanne and Kristin kept going back and forth about how wonderful their boyfriends were so they didn’t notice. I slumped in my seat slightly and brought my phone up to my ear, greeting the caller.

“What’s up, Liam?”

“You disappeared from the party. I’m hoping you didn’t go off with a stranger.”

Someone finally noticed? Took ‘em long enough. “No, I’m with a few friends eating a late dinner.”

Liam sighed. “Good, you’re going to need a good balanced dinner. Now, don’t stay out late. You’ll want to get a good night’s rest for tomorrow. We have to have a meeting to discuss a promotional tour to start in February,” Liam said.

“What!?” I exclaimed but he all ready hung up the phone. I growled and shoved my phone back into my pocket. “My management is trying to kill me,” I mumbled apathetically. How in the world am I going to survive my packed day tomorrow? Liam is asking way too much out of me.

I blinked when a hand was waved in front of my face. “What did you say?” I asked, looking at Leighanne.

“Where were you? Wonderland?” She asked.

“MackLand, actually,” I replied. “It’s a wonderful world where our main exports are dance CDs and fish, our currency are green gummy bears and Oreos and we speak fluent sarcasm.” Leighanne and Kristin laughed. Probably politely, though. To be honest I’ve been thinking about it for a while, something unique that would make a great civilization that I could live with.

“Joking aside, are you ok? Last I saw you…you were more animated than this. I know work’s been hard for you but is something else going on?” Leighanne asked kindly.

I clicked my tongue as I tried to find the right words to say. Honestly I didn’t know which was bothering me worse: the fact that my dad has cancer, the fact that my mom lost yet another kid, the fact that she and Mike are holding out on getting married to help my dad, the fact that the guys—who I thought were my best friends—have been ignoring me lately, or that I start to panic whenever I’m left in a room by myself all of a sudden. Which to pick…?

“Uhm, I’m just finally feeling the effects of trying to please everyone,” I replied. That wasn’t a complete lie. “I have a problem of not being able to say no to people. My manager especially. He’s being so helpful booking me for this and that but…” I shook my head “It’s just too much too soon and I’m an excellent multitasker so that’s saying something.”

“So…why don’t you just talk to him and ask him to slow things down? By this rate he’s going to run you into the ground,” Kristin commented. “It won’t hurt for you to speak up a few times. If you didn’t then people would walk all over you all the time like a rug and I know you won’t take that lying down.” She paused and laughed at her own joke. “Get it, rug? Lying down?”

“You’re about as funny as Kevin is,” I commented dryly.

“You know, when you’re teasing someone, you should at least do it when they’re not in earshot,” Kevin commented as he and the guys came over to the table, their hands filled with their trays and food.

“Thanks B,” I said with a smile, taking my food. I didn’t hesitate to dig in. The food at the party sucked, to be polite. I swear, the more money people have the suckier food they get. Apparently Nick agree with me because he had twice the amount of food that we had.

“Are you eating for two, Nicky?” AJ asked with a laugh.

“Lay off, I haven’t eaten since breakfast,” Nick grumbled.

“Nick that was, like, twelve hours ago!” Kevin scolded.

“I know, I just wasn’t hungry then.”

“That’s obvious,” AJ commented before taking a sip of his drink. Nick pushed his tray away from himself, slumped in his seat slight and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. AJ rolled his eyes. “Stop being such a damn baby and act your age.” Nick flipped him off and AJ laughed. “That’s real mature, Nicky. And you’re turning eighteen when?”

“Stop it, AJ,” I muttered.

AJ laughed. “Nicky, you need a little girl sticking up for you now?”

“No! Leave me alone!” Nick snapped, grabbing a handful of fries and stuffing them into his mouth before taking a big bite of an apple pie.

Kevin sighed. “Nick, you need to cut back on some of the food. You’re going to breakout from the grease.”

“Don’t you mean blow up?” AJ howled with laughter. He didn’t care that he was the only one laughing since he was laughing so hard. Nick scowled and pushed his food away again.

“Why don’t we just…walk around for a bit? Get some fresh air?” Howie suggested.

“I like that idea, Howie,” Nick grumbled, sliding out of the booth and standing up, heading in the opposite direction of the door.

“Hey Grease Trap, the door’s this way,” AJ said as he pointed.

“I’m going to the bathroom!” Nick called over his shoulder before disappearing around the corner.

“AJ, why are you always picking on him?” Leighanne demanded. “He hasn’t done anything to you.”

“He makes it too easy,” AJ replied with a shrug, dipping his French-fries into his chocolate milkshake. “The guy’s too sensitive for his own good. Someone has to get him to man up.”

“By making fun of him about his weight all of the time?” I questioned, flicking a ketchup packet. Suddenly I wasn’t so hungry. “Would you like it if we made fun of your weight?”

AJ merely smirked. “You have nothing to make fun of, sweetie. Admire? Sure. Make fun of? No.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Why’re you always quick to jump on his side anyway? Are you some sort of Chubby Chaser or something?”

“Knock it off, AJ,” Kevin scolded him.

“What? What did I do?” he demanded, chewed up fries sticking to his tongue.

“AJ, gross!” Kristin groaned, throwing a wadded napkin at him. It bounced off of his dark tinted sunglasses. “Ignore him; he’s just in a pissy mood because he keeps getting rejected.”

I shrugged. “It’s not like I haven’t heard it before. AJ didn’t like me before so it’s not going to randomly change now.”

“Still, that doesn’t mean he can be downright mean to you.” I shrugged again and took a sip of my drink. “Nick’s been in there for a while,” Krisitn said suddenly, voicing my own thoughts. “Why don’t one of you check if he’s ok?”

“Are we his mother now?” AJ asked with a bit of bite.

“I’ll go check on him, and then we can take a walk before heading back to the hotel,” Brian said, sliding out of his seat. The rest of us followed suit and got out of our seats, throwing our trash away.

“Ignore AJ, Kristin’s right, he’s just pissed because he kept getting rejected all night,” Howie told me.

“You don’t have to make excuses for him,” I said, shaking my head a bit. “He doesn’t like me, that’s all there is to it, and I’m not particularly fond of him. What bothers me is that he seems to hate me for no reason whatsoever.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you.”

“No matter which was you spin it, Howie, his opinion on me isn’t going to change in a snap of fingers,” I said as I patted his shoulder. “Not that I’m complaining, I can’t please everyone.”

AJ suddenly shoved his way in between us, stopping our conversation flat. “You got that right. Why aren’t you with your merry band of clones? Did they get tired of you or something?” AJ asked, lifting an eyebrow. Ouch, that one hurt only ‘cause he wasn’t far from the truth. “Did they fire their spy or do they want Fatima for themselves since they seem to take everything we have all ready established.”

My skin prickled and I curled my hands into fists as something surged in my stomach. “What did you just say?” I growled.

AJ took off his sunglasses and glared at me. “Put your hands down, girlie. You’re only making a fool of yourself.”

“AJ, stop it right now!” Kevin snapped, glancing at the McDonald’s workers that were watching us in amusement.

“She’s asking for it, Kev, she’s been asking for it since Johnny brought her in.”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here, loser!” I hissed, shoving him. He took a step back and his glare hardened.

“Guys, not now!” Kevin said, well, practically begged.

“You’re calling me a loser?” AJ questioned.

“Yes, I’m calling you a loser. You’re a loser because you’re so fucking intimidated by my guys that you’re taking your anger out on me. Newsflash, Johnny was the one who took them in. Johnny was the one who suggested I help choreograph you guys, I didn’t earn my job by walking in.”

“No, but you can just turn right around and walk out because we don’t need you. Go back to your band of clones!” AJ shouted. Nick and Brian must’ve caught the end of AJ’s sentence as they left the bathroom because, in a flash, Nick had shoved AJ backwards, blocking me from him.

“Don’t talk to her like that,” Nick snapped.

AJ let out a little laugh. “Don’t come in here waltzing around like you’re some high and mighty.” A sinister smirk was on his face and it caused Nick to blanche and shift his weight from foot to foot, as if he were in trouble with a parent.

“Come on guys, let’s just take a walk. Um, AJ you can walk with Kev, Kristin, and me and Mack you can walk with Brian, Leighanne, and Nicky. Fresh air and some time apart would do us some good,” Howie said, grabbing AJ’s arm and pulling him towards the door.

“Yeah, we can take a buggy ride back to the hotel. You’ve always wanted to do that, right?” Brian said with a strained smile. I squinted at him. Something was wrong with all of them, Nick looked positively afraid of AJ and now Brian was acting funny too. Come to think of it, Kevin and Howie looked scared as well.

“Go ahead and run,” AJ yelled across the restaurant. “Don’t even bother mentioning that you—especially you, Nicky—wanted to screw up ‘N Stupid as much as I did. I mean, what a low blow, going through their choreographer and basing your false friendship on lies, don’t you think?”

“Oh man,” Brian muttered next to me as I stopped, my hand clutching the handle of the door. Nick gulped audibly as I turned and searched AJ’s face. His face was bright as if he had won the lottery.

Or something.

“From the very beginning I wanted to get you out of her. I didn’t care what Johnny said about you being a good dancer or whatever the fuck he bragged about, I wanted you out. You knew that, but, Howie wanted you out in the beginning as well,” AJ continued, smiled at Howie who looked down at the floor. “Kevin and Brian, they kept telling me how it was a bad idea, but they never stopped me, did they? Howie eventually joined their side but they didn’t stop me as well. So then I figured I might as well use your new friendship with Nick to my advantage. Get it through your thick skull, girlie, none of us like you. We don’t want you around, they’re just too scared to admit it. They’ve played you. They brought you up to watch you fall, I knew it would happen, but it took too long so now I’m taking things into my own hands.”

I looked at Leighanne who’s eyes were wide with shock over to Brian who had an apologetic look in his eyes. Then I looked over at Nick who’s mouth was gaped open. There was no point in asking if it were true, the satisfied smile on AJ’s face said it all.

Brain was the first one who found his voice, “Just…listen,” he started.

I shook my head, trying to dislodge the words he just said but they kept slamming into my brain. White-hot anger rose from my toes, up my calves, and burned and bubbled in my stomach like a waiting volcano. “You’re a fucking coward,” I hissed, managing to keep my anger down.

“How? I’m not the one who lied to your face, I made it clear from the beginning that I hated you,” AJ pointed out.

“He’s right,” I laughed bitterly. “He’s right; he’s the only one who wasn’t a coward. The rest of you bastards are. What AJ did was bad but…you guys are the fucking worst for letting him continue with it.”

“Mack, let me explain,” Brian begged, touching my elbow.

“Explain what?” I yelled, causing him to flinch. “How you guys used me? How you turned your back on me when you knew what AJ was doing was wrong?” Brian’s mouth opened and closed as he tried to find something to say. “Did you know about this too?” I snarled, turning to Leighanne.

“Sweetie, I’m sure Brian has a reasonable explanation for everything that has happened,” Leighanne said gently.

“You can’t fucking explain what they did. If you wanted my help, that was fine, I could deal with that perfectly fine.” I turned to Nick who looked downright scared of me. Well, he should be scared. “But calling me your friend for your fucking convenience, that I can’t deal with.”

“No, Mack, that’s not it at all, please just listen,” Nick begged, near tears. I wasn’t moved. He looked around and lowered his voice. “You know what I’m going through right now. You’re the only person I’ve been able to trust. Why would I screw that up?

“You tell me,” I mumbled, before pushing open the door and taking off, ignoring Nick’s and Brian’s yells.

-*-*-*-*-

“So, did you get the job done or what?”

“Yes, but–”

“Good. Now where are you and how long are you going to be there? I need a solid address this time seeing as you almost got caught last time.” The light laugh made his insides twist into an even tighter knot.

“Keep it,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Excuse me?”

“I said keep it. I don’t want to get into that stuff anymore. Don’t bother trying to call this number. I’m done working for you.”

“Where’s this coming from, Alexander?”

“I just can’t do this anymore. I’m risking my life and everything I care about for what? A stupid pile of dust that makes me feel crappy? Find someone else to do your dirty work. I’m done!”

“Don’t even try to back out of this, Alexander! I can and will make your life a living hell!”

“Go ahead. I don’t give a fuck. I messed up by starting things back in June but now it’s over, Fiona. Over. Don’t talk to me ever again. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Pretend I don’t exist.”

“You’ve made a bad mistake, Alexander. Just you wait; you’ll get what’s yours.”

-*-*-*-*-

I never knew how much it hurt for tears to dry on your face and then you switch from a cold temperature to a warm one. It felt like I was ripping tape off my face as I tried to rub them away. The man at the desk was nice, asking if I needed anything. He looked shaken. He probably didn’t know how to deal with a crying girl. I quickly told him I was fine and got into the elevator, rubbing my cheeks to thaw them. By the time I got to my room I could finally feel them again. I slid my key card into the lock, waiting for the flashing lights, and pushed open the door. Finally, I can just get some sleep.

“Where the hell have you been?”

Ah snickerdoodles.

I slowly turned on the spot to see JC pushing the door shut with his hand as a light clicked on. Justin, Joey, Lance, and Chris were sitting around the room, all eyes trained on me. “Joe, you can call off the search party now,” JC said to Joey who nodded and went into the bathroom, taking out his cell phone.

“Apparently you guys haven’t learned about not invading someone’s privacy,” I managed to joke despite the suffocating feeling of the room.

“And apparently you still act like a six year old, running off and not telling us where the fuck you’re going,” JC said calmly, which scared me as much as if he were yelling.

“Mack, where’s your jacket?” Lance spoke up, looking at me.

“I gave it to a homeless kid,” I responded quickly off the top of my head. Hr nodded and fell silent.

“Where’d you go?” JC asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Just to the McDonald’s down the street,” I replied, looking at my nails. “I got bored and the food was crappy.”

“So you decided to go for a heart-attack meal?” Chris joked. It fell on deaf ears.

“You went by yourself? In the middle of New York?” JC demanded, lifting his eyebrows.

“No, I wasn’t by myself,” I mumbled.

“Who’d you go with? Some random people at the party?”

“No, I was with…um…I was with the Backstreet Boys and their girlfriends,” I admitted. “Their flight was cancelled and they ended up with the night off and they were at the party and we decided to get something to eat, no big deal.” I shrugged, and started tugging off my shoes. I really needed a hot shower and some sleep but apparently the guys weren’t happy with my answer.

“No big deal?” Justin thundered. “No. Big. Deal? Do you even know how freaked out we were? One minute you’re there and the next you’re gone without any fucking word of where you’re going to go and you come back at some un-fucking-Godly hour and you tell us no big damn fucking deal?”

“How long did it take for you to realize that I wasn’t there?” I asked, ignoring how red in the face he was getting. That must’ve been a hell of a lot of anger he was keeping inside.

“Last J saw you was after you went to the bathroom,” Chris finally spoke up.

“Right. Which was about, what, ten? It took you—“ I paused to look at my watch “—three hours to figure out I wasn’t there? And you have the audacity to be mad at me?”

“We had people running all over the place looking for you! And why didn’t you answer your phone? We left you about a hundred messages,” JC said.

“I kept it off ‘cause the batteries were almost dead.” Wow, I didn’t know JC had such a huge vein in his neck. Probably because I was acting like I didn’t care, that wasn’t it at all, I was more angry than sorry right now.

A strange noise made us turn to look at Justin who was biting his lip as if to keep his words inside his mouth. His face looked like a balloon, his cheeks were puffed up making his eyes look all squinty. Nick would’ve commented that he looked like a puffer fish and we would’ve been laughing our asses off while the others thought we were crazy. I squeezed my eyes shut, squashing the thought with them.

“ARE YOU FUCKING CAZY!? Justin yelled, the words spilling out of his mouth. I flinched. He's never raised his voice at me before. “You left a party without telling us, you went somewhere without telling us, you were in the cold without a fucking jacket, and now you tell us that your left your phone off because it was dead, causing all of us to practically have heart attacks and now you just fucking sit there like you don’t fucking care!?”

“I’m surprised you do.” Was my voice really that shaky? I glanced at Joey as he walked out of the bathroom but no one turned to look at him. My heart was pounding and I could feel tears threatening to fall behind my eyes. I just wanted to get to sleep and pray that this day didn’t actually happen. “You didn’t care that I was there, none of you did—except maybe Lance—because you were all so busy with yourselves.” My voice was shaking. I blinked rapidly to keep the tears back but they were ready to fall. “You guys basically ignoring me I was fine with, I mean your lives don’t revolve around me. But what did hurt me was you, J.” he lifted his eyebrows. “All night you pedaled me around introducing me as your choreographer. That’s it. It’s like…I’m your friend when it’s convenient for you or when you’re too damn lazy to do anything for yourself! Excuse me for wanting to be around people who actually care about me and actually are my friends.” I paused when I felt my heart surge. “Or were…” I whispered to myself and then shook my head and let out a big sigh. “Look, I get it, I made you worry. I won’t do it again. Can I go to sleep now?” I wiped at my eyes and let out a shaky breath.

“No you can’t go to sleep now!” JC barked. “You don’t get—“

“Jace,” Chris interrupted him. “I think she gets it.” He glanced at me before looking over at JC who was running his hands through his hair.

“Look, she’s obviously upset and so are you. You have every right to be upset as well but it’s late. Let’s just get some sleep and we can talk about it in the morning when we’re all levelheaded, ok?” Joey added, turning JC towards the door. Chris shoved Justin out the door and gave me a sympathetic look. Lance stayed behind.

“What? You’re going to scold me too?” I grumbled.

“I don’t need to, I know you feel what you did was wrong,” he replied studying my face. “And at the same time I know that you think what you did wasn’t wrong.”

“I just…hate feeling like a little kid compared to you guys,” I sighed, pushing my hair out of my face. “I mean, I have to report to you guys!? That’s messed up.”

“They’re just…protective,” Lance said slowly.

“I got that part, thanks,” I said sarcastically.

Lance thought. “Don’t be too mad at JC and Justin for going off like that. Justin’s never had a sister so I guess he’s making up for the fact that he lost Laura Katherine and JC’s just trying to keep his promise to Lynn and your mother.”

“They think being protective means suffocating me and telling me what to do,” I grumbled. “I’m not a baby!”

“They have good intentions though,” Lance pointed out. “But I get the feeling you’re not upset about them.”

“What gives you that idea?”

“You just sat here. Whenever JC or Justin yell at you you fight back until one of you gets your way.”

“You’re too intuitive for your own good.”

Lance smiled briefly. “What’s wrong? Did the Boys do anything?”

“Let’s just say I figured out what they’re really like and if I have to see them or talk to them again it’ll be too soon.” I hastily wiped at my eyes but the tears were falling too fast for me to keep up. Lance made a tsk-ing sound before pulling me into a hug and I buried my face into his shoulder.

“It’ll be ok, sweetie. Everything will work out for the better,” he whispered.

There’s no denying it, Lance is awesome.

January 16th, 1998

Having to wake up early the next day only to talk on the phone for hours was not something I was excited for. Seriously, where do these interviewers get their questions? What kind of toothpaste do I like to use? (Any kind that gets my teeth clean.) Do I prefer red M&Ms or blue ones? (Really, they don’t taste any different but of course blue. Duh!). Do I like to sneeze? (Sure, it’s like an orgasm for the nose), and so on. Really, you’d think they’d want to know more about music or my movie or my dancing or whatever, but they wanted to know about sneezing. People these days.

My appearance on The View was cancelled because Liam said I was doing too much at one time. Really, I wanted to punch the guy because I’ve been telling him that for days now but he wouldn’t listen unless someone else told him about it. It must’ve been Lynn since I complained to her about it. She was like another manager, in a way. Liam was scared of her.

After the phone  interviews I took the time to go to the hotel’s gym and go for a warm-up jog and then dance some of my stress away. I hadn’t seen the guys all morning, which was a good thing. I would’ve socked them all if I saw them. Well, not Lance. I wouldn’t dare hurt that baby face of his. Technically they have every right to be mad at me, I mean I wasn’t being very responsible last night, but still, they brought it upon themselves. What pissed me off was that they didn’t care one minute but the next they did and I didn’t know where I stood with them. Was I their friend or was I just seen as a little sister they could boss around?

“Take it from me; if you keep dancing like that you’re going to end up hurting yourself.”

I whipped my head around—in search for the owner of the voice—but wasn’t paying attention to my spin. I ended up losing my balance and crashing hard to the ground. I groaned and rolled onto my stomach. It was just as well, my ankles were starting to kill. Curse you, overpronation.

“Told ya,” Justin laughed, grasping my hands and easily pulling me to my feet.

“You’re talking to me now?” I asked, walking over to my towel that was sitting in the corner, careful not to limp in front of him.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Lance talked our ears off. Said we should chock it up to you being a teenager and you feel the need to rebel sometimes and blah blah blah.” He waved his hand in the air as if waving away his own words.

“Hmm,” I muttered, taking a sip from my water bottle. He just didn’t get it. He was a boy, I didn’t expect less.

“What’re you doing today?”

“What aren’t I doing? Recording some, talking a bit, I think a photoshoot too,” I replied, replacing the cap to my water bottle, grabbing my towel to dab the sweat off my face. “Why?”

Justin shrugged. “I wanted to come along.” He suddenly looked at the ground like a shy little kid. “If you’d let me.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t you guys have to get back to touring or something?”

Justin shook his head. “Promo doesn’t start ‘till late February, March maybe. We decided we’d just hang out with you. You know, follow you around like you follow us around.”

Follow? I fought the urge to rip him one and merely let out a small ok. The next thing I knew I was in a tight hug, that one Justin gave whenever he wanted to let someone know that he cared about them. The one that he only gave to a few people. “I’m sorry, ok? I was just worried. You can’t blame me for that, right?” he smiled that smile that I hated; the one that begged for forgiveness.

“I guess,” I mumbled, sighing. He beams knowing that he’s forgiven.

Again.

“Ok, so when are you going to JIVE?”

“In about fifteen minutes. I just have to shower and get changed.”

“Did you eat yet?” I nodded. “Mack,” he said slowly, scrunching up his eyes. “Don’t lie.”

“I’m not lying. I ate some fruit.”

“That’s it?”

“And drank milk.”

“It’s no wonder you’re a stick,” he commented, shaking his head. “Lil’ D, you have to eat more than that. Have you been eating lately?”

“Of course! I’m not anorexic or anything,” I replied with an eyeroll.

“I just don’t see you eating anymore.”

“I don’t need to be joined at your hip.” That came out a bit more mean than I expected. His face remained the same but if it were possible his eyes crumbled in a way that his face would have but he didn’t want to give his hurt away. “Sorry,” I grumbled, running my hands through my hair to pull it back into a ponytail.

“It’s ok,” he said with a small smile. “You’re right.”

“Whoa,” I said holding out my arm. “Did you just say I was right? I’m sorry; could you say it a little louder into the recorder? This is big news,” I said as I held my hand up in front of his face.

He pushed my hand away. “Freak,” he muttered.

“Have you looked in a mirror, Mr. Big Nose Small Face?”

“Baby Big Ears.”

I gasped and covered my ears as Justin laughed and sped up a bit so he was walking ahead of me. “That was uncalled for, and I grew into them!” I yelled at his back. He just let a laugh hit me in the face as he started running down the hall towards the exit of the gym. I ran after him, successfully catching up to him. I managed to jump and land on his back, wrapping my arms around his neck to keep myself from falling off.

“Those Oreos are bunchin’ around yer hips, girl,” Justin grunted.

“Shut up!” I laughed, burying my nose in his neck.

~*~*~*~*~

When I got to Jive I was basically sat down and told what the plan for the rest of the day was:  talk briefly about my promo (for my movie, my EP, and, get this, my tour. They just sprung it on me promising to talk later. Buncha hype-dealing bastards), do some rehearsals (rock and pop stuff), meet my new management team (all the way from tour manager to my PA) talk about my tour some more, and then go to my photoshoot and the day was over. Yeah, by like six in the fucking afternoon. I knew I asked for it when I got into this but damn! The least they could do was schedule a nap in there somewhere.

I only had a few minutes between the little promo talk and going to the rehearsal space to meet up with my band and my dancers. I co hand-picked them all. Liam wanted to get a lot of guy dancers but I fought back saying I wanted girl dancers as well. Then he tried to stick me with the over sexual kind of dancers but I shot that down as well. I wanted normal looking dancers, like me. I didn’t want this to be about selling sex or whatever, I wanted it to be about selling the songs and the dance moves. I actually made most of the choreography myself but I’ll admit it was hard without another choreographer there with me, especially with Liam criticizing almost everything I’ve showed him. He said he wanted a professional touch. Really? Was I not a professional yet? It took me a long time but I finally managed to convince Justin that he and the others didn’t need to come to my rehearsal but that only meant they’d go to my photoshoot instead. Whoo?

It’s not that I didn’t want them there, I figured the longer they were there the more comfortable I’d get. It’s just I didn’t want to hear them say something about what I was wearing. Joey, he and Chris would make everything funny by cracking jokes to help make me comfortable and Lance would probably suggest what would look better with what. It was JC’s and Justin’s reactions that I was scared about.

“Hey girl, long time no see!” I lifted my head from where I was sitting in the hall and grinned. Oreo and Little J, who had been dozing on the floor next to me, lifted their heads and jumped to their feet, tails wagging when they saw the person walking down the hall.

“Well, if it isn’t Miss Britney Jean Spears,” I said, standing as she bounced (yes, bounced) over to me and gave me a big hug. “What’s the deal? We work at the same place yet I have to play phone tag with you? Has that little MMC stardom gone to your head so you forget the little people?”

Britney laughed and slapped my arm. “Shoot, you better be glad I came to see you at all!” She joked before hugging me again. “Look at you! How are you doing girl?”

“Let me put it this way: do you have a gun ‘cause I’d really like to use it right now,” I admitted.

She laughed. “No one ever said this was going to be easy. I mean, for you, they’re cramming everything into a couple of weeks and shoving you into the world.”

“Don’t remind me,” I sighed. “So why is it that you’ve never even seen Justin or JC while they’ve been here? They know I get to see you from time to time…”

Britney let out a small sad smile. She tried to hide it by turning to Little J and Oreo who were bouncing at her feet. “To be honest, I’m not ready,” she replied.

“Why not? They’re your friends.”

“I know, but I promised myself I wouldn’t see them until I’ve made something of myself and that’s what I’m trying to do.” She paused to kiss the top of the dog’s heads. “That’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m doing this. Not really for them, I mean they’re a part of it, but mainly for me. I at least want to try and if I fail…” she shrugged. “It was all worth it, right?” I nodded in agreement. “Now, what was this I hear about you getting into a fight?”

“Wiiiith?” I prompted.

“Your guys,” she replied.

“They’re hardly mine, B, I don’t own them,” I pointed out. “And it’s just…I’m trying to grow up and they won’t let me,” I admitted with a shrug.

“Sounds like you need some retail therapy,” she said with a sympathetic smile.

“You’re not going to believe me when I say this…but that sounds like a good idea,” I sighed.

“Really!?” She squealed, clasping her hands together and bouncing on her toes. “Oh, that’s so great! Ok, we can go later. Around seven? I’m sorry I have to split but I just got here and I have to go straight to the studio. I’ll call you, ok?” She hugged me again (the girl’s quite the hugger) and bent to look at Little J and Oreo. “Bye bye, babies,” she cooed, waved and bounced off. I so did not miss her energy.

Chuckling, I grabbed my bag and ushered my pups into the dance studio. Shit, no. Liam, you. Did. NOT. I recognized that bass beat anywhere. By itself it had a weird, bone trembling feel. Something that hyped up the crowds that it was constantly played in front of.

I glanced to the mirrored wall and saw my band/dancers there. My band consists of Codie Simpson, guitar. Gabe Nichols, lead guitar. Lyric Williams, bass. And Sevvie Peters, drums. Codie, Lyric, and Sevvie are three of my six female dancers. The other three dancers were Bella Gold, LoLo Martinez, and Nikki Forrester. When Codie, Lyric, and Sevvie were dancing we had some other guys come in and play their instruments. Really, I thought it wasn’t needed but the girls were good and I needed them.

I dropped my stuff by them and the girls squealed as Little J and Oreo fought for their attention. “Why are we here?” I asked Gabe.

“Liam said it’d be easier to share the space,” Gabe replied.

“Why’s that?” I smelled a catch.

“Because Fatima’s your new choreographer,” he replied, apologizing with his eyes.

I twisted my mouth to the side. Was that supposed to be a blessing or a curse? For the three, turned practically fourteen, days I worked with BSB over the summer I worked closely with Fatima, learning how she worked the Boys. While working with her I became an assistant of sorts. Working with her was cool, but her working me? That scared me.

“Wait…” I said as I turned to stare at the side of Gabe’s head, suddenly noticing that he had little freckles running over the bridge of his nose. “How can Fatima be my choreographer if she has to work with them?” I demanded. Gabe’s eyes shifted in my direction and a whistling sound came out of his mouth from the gap between his two front teeth. It suddenly hit me. “Gabriel…”

“I promised I wouldn’t tell,” he sighed. “Liam wanted to tell you. He doesn’t know about your fight.”

“I all ready know so you might as well tell me what it is,” I hissed. “Am I going on tour with them?”

“You’re opening for them, yes.”

“Damn. Fuck, Merde, even!” I grumbled, watching the five guys move around through their own rehearsal. I crossed my arms and slumped as much as I could. AJ was over zealous as usual; he was a bit too fast. Howie was practically running into Kevin and Brian and Nick weren’t putting their all into it. I’m surprised ‘Tima wasn’t at their throats.

“So, you finally got the good news?” Fatima asked me as she put the guys on their break.

“Which part’s good?” I asked warily.

“Working with me of course,” she replied lightly punching me in the shoulder.

“’Tima, you might as well say and/or ask me what you’re going to say or ask because I know what’s coming,” I sighed.

She motioned for me to follow her with a tilt of her head. I ordered the dancers to watch my dogs before following her. She grabbed a water bottle and tossed it to me on the way out of the dance studio and into the hall. “Look, last night the guys explained to me what happened. AJ, I know you two didn’t get off on the right foot at first but he respects you, believe it or not.” I made a grunting sound and she pushed her braids. “What he said…it was a bunch of bull. He was probably drunk or high or something, something enough that I could beat his ass for, but not once did he ever say anything bad about you. None of the guys did, they sung praises about you respecting you not only as a person but as another choreographer and someone they work with.”

“Spitting out that you hate someone doesn’t come from nowhere, Fatima,” I pointed out.

“But it could come from someone else’s mouth, someone influential,” Fatima replied.

“I’m not buying it, you’re wasting your breath,” I sighed.

“Why won’t you believe me?”

“Because they hurt me!” I spat. I blinked rapidly, feeling like a loser because I was about to start crying all over again. My eyes still stung slightly from crying all last night. “I had to deal with haters since I moved to Florida and I thought I was over it but obviously I’m not. What’s worse is the fact that I thought they were my friends. I mean, they were my friends when I needed to be away from my guys. They didn’t make fun of me all the time, they didn’t judge me, and they just…treated me like a normal person. And then they go around and pull this…shit. I should’ve known they were just using me.”

“Wake up, girl!” Fatima said fiercely. I raised my eyebrows. She’s never raised her voice at me before. “When they heard that you had signed on to work with them they were excited. Ecstatic, even. They weren’t even the ones who put you two together. It was Johnny’s idea; he set the whole thing up. So stop crying over something that’s not even there! They didn’t use you and they wouldn’t use you, they’re not that type of people and you know it!” Her eyes were blazing and she looked like she was about to smack me in the face. Kristin and Leighanne said almost the same thing to me last night but I was too stubborn to believe them. At the time they hadn’t mentioned Johnny but now it was all coming back. Johnny had said something about it back in Germany…

Shit.

“Can we just rehearse?” I asked.

A shadow of a smile formed on Fatima’s face. “I’m going to run you into the ground.” I followed her back into the dance studio, my girls were in a circle on the floor stretching as the Backstreet Boys sat off where they were before. I nodded to Gabe who nodded back and motioned to the others to take their place by their instruments. “I want to see what you have so far before we do anything else, ok?” Fatima asked. I nodded and took the headmic that Codie was holding out to me, trying to avoid looking at the mirrors. “You’re going to have to face them eventually,” she commented as the sirens of the first dance track came on.

“I know,” I replied, getting into my starting position, smiling to myself. The song was a great female empowered song, I managed to get my way a bit and have it heavy with rock styles so it was a great fuse of pop and rock and I got to try my hand at rapping, with the help of Justin and Chris for some of the lyrics. All and all I thought it was a great track.

Don't live a lie, this is your one life ooh

Don't live it like you won't get lost

Just walk just walk

It's a liberty walk, it's a liberty walk

It's a liberty, liberty, liberty

It's a liberty walk, it's a liberty walk

It's a liberty, liberty, liberty

Here's to all the boys tryin’ to hold you back

Tryin to make you feel like you’re less than that

Got nothing more better than to make you crack

But really just tryin’ to put your dreams off track

And you know in the end it'll be okay

Cause all that really matters are the steps you take

And everything else falls into place

There's no price to pay, I say…

I moved though the beats and rhythms of the song, glancing out of the corner every now and then to see big smiles on my girls faces although their eyes were filled with concentration, as were mine reflected in the mirror. We hit the steps and the moves hard, putting all of our energy into the song as I continued to sing, making sure to keep my breathing right. Usually dancing helped clear my head but having five pairs of eyes on me only made the guilt and pain and Fatima’s words go swirling through my brain. She could say all she wanted; I wasn’t going to apologize first.

~*~*~*~*~

“’Tima!” I groaned, feeling my arms quake and my back bend from the strain on it. “Pleeeeaaaaseeee,” I begged, wishing I could wipe my sweaty palms.

“Not until you say it,” Fatima replied from my back.

“Come on! This is torture!” I stared at the little puddle of sweat that was on the floor from the sweat that was dripping from my nose. As soon as we had gone through Liberty Walk a few times we went through my other three pop songs, Permanent December, Naturally, and Round and Round before we had moved onto my rock stuff. Then she had everyone do a series of brutal stretches and now she left me doing a plank in the middle of the floor as she sat on my back and said I had to hold it or else I had to apologize to the guys.

And here we are.

“Would you rather AJ sit on you while doing wallsits?” Fatima asked from above me.

“No!” I growled through clenched teeth, my arms wobbling like I was in an earthquake. “Come on! This is cruel and unusual punishment!”

“If you’d listen in the first place…” she said in a sing song voice.

“’Tima, you should let her up,” Howie said gently. I could tell he was biting his thumbnail—which he did when he was nervous—by how muffled his voice was. “She’s really suffering.”

“I’m just teaching her a lesson, Howie,” Fatima replied.

“What kind of lesson is that?” I groaned. “Never get you as my choreographer ever again?”

“No, never jump to conclusion.”

“Don’t you know? That’s my biggest flaw. Some say I’m quick to anger. It’s what happens when you’re short, you can’t keep your anger in such a tiny body, you gotta let it out somehow,” I tried to joke. Might as well give up, Liam’s not going to like it when I have broken arms. “Ok, ok! I give! Just get off me!” I cried out, my cheeks heating up at the admit of defeat.

“Say it!” Fatima ordered.

“I’m, uh, I’m…” I mumbled as my feet started to slide out beneath me. “I’msorryijumpedtoconclusionsandgotmadanddidn’tlistentoyouguysitwasn’tfairtoyounowGETOFF!” I shouted in one breath. Fatima got off my back and fell straight onto the ground, letting out a sigh of relief and breathing heavily. “Thank you,” I mumbled, pressing my cheek against the cold hardwood floor.

“You can go home now,” Fatima said from above me.

“I would…If I could move…” I responded. “Let me sleep here.”

“Girl, get up!” Fatima laughed, grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet.

“Are you ok?” Lyric asked with a wide smile, her green eyes dancing, her bright red hair practically reflecting the lights from the ceiling.

“I’ll tell you once I can feel anything in my body,” I replied. “What’s with you guys? Aren’t you supposed to be my back up dancers? Whatever happened to backing me up?”

“I see she didn’t squish your sarcasm,” Codie commented.

“I’m fluent in sarcasm; it’s my third learned language. French, English, then Sarcasm,” I replied, counting down on my fingers, lowering my third and then my second so I could flip them off. They laughed and lightly hit me while I pulled my hair out of its ponytail. Ugh, now I have to shower again. “Ok, I have to split and work a shower in before going to talk to Liam and everyone. I’ll see you later. Keep practicing.” I then turned to Fatima and motioned her over with my fingers. “They’re burning holes in my head. Brain’s going to fall out,” I commented.

“Here’s an idea. Talk…to…them…” she said slowly as if she were talking to a kid.

“You tortured me into apologizing, of which wasn’t fair! I have weak wrists,” I said as she rolled her eyes. “I’m not talking first.”

“You’re too damn stubborn,” she called at my back.

“And damn proud of it, babe!”

~*~*~*~*~

My arms and legs throbbed in time with my heartbeat. I was so glad that Liam said we could use one of the comfortable conference rooms in the Jive headquarters so I could lie down. He and Greg laughed as I walked in with cement blocks for feet. They talked to me a little bit but left for a few minutes to round everyone up and now I was staring at the ceiling trying to decide if I had just gone through hell.

“Come in,” I called when I heard a knock on the door. I tilted my head back so I was looking at JC and Bobbie upside-down when they entered the room. Nope, hell just got here, I couldn’t help but think when I noticed the skin baring clothes that Bobbie was wearing.  The last two people I wanted to see. “’Sup?” I asked, tilting my head forward and wincing. Even my neck hurt.

“How are you doing?” JC asked, sitting in a chair, Bobbie perched on the arm rest, her arm hooking around his neck as if he were in a headlock.

I contemplated the question. “Ask me that again when I can move,” I replied.

“Rehearsals were that hard? What happened?”

“Fatima is what happened,” I replied. “She killed me and sat on me,” I replied.

“She sat…on you?” Bobbie asked.

What, are you deaf?  “Yeah, as in what Joey, Chris, and Justin do when they try to torture me into doing something I don’t want to do,” I replied. “Long story, either way I can’t feel anything below my neck and I don’t think I can move for days and I have to do it again tomorrow.”

“So…are you saying you can’t take what you dish out?” JC questioned.

I glared. “You better be happy I can’t lift my middle finger right now tu surprotéger personne gênante.”

“What?” Bobbie asked. JC shook his head.

“Sometimes, you don’t want to know,” he replied.

“Why are you here?” I finally asked.

“Am I not allowed to take an interest in what you’re doing?”

“I’m dying, now you know. You should be happy now I won’t raise your blood pressure or make you freak out over nothing all the time and I won’t get in your way,” I grumbled, picking at my fingernails. I hated hangnails.

JC clicked his tongue before looking at Bobbie and whispering something in her ear. She nodded and walked out of the room, stopping to blow him a kiss over her shoulder before closing the door. JC got out of his chair and stood over me before kneeling by my side. “Is that what you think?” He asked. I squinted my eyes a bit, silently asking what he was talking about. “That I think that you’re an annoying little kid who gets on my nerves all the time and gets in my way?”

“No Joshua I pulled that idea out of my ass,” I said with an eye roll for effect.

“You know I made a promise to not only Lynn but to your own mother that I would look out for you and as long as you’re underneath the age of 18 that means I’m allowed to tell you what I think you should or shouldn’t do. I know sometimes I’m being anal about it—“

“Sometimes?” I interjected.

“—but I don’t want to see you get hurt, which evidently I didn’t help yesterday. I apologize, not only for me but for all of us when we didn’t pay attention to you. I apologize for Justin treating you like crap and I apologize that you thought that you needed to get away from us instead of telling us what was bothering you. Lance said something about getting into a fight with the Backstreet Boys or something.”

“The kid can’t keep his dang mouth shut,” I mumbled.

“He’s just concerned. The way he explained it to us it sounded like you jumped the gun…again.”

I managed to cross my arms over my chest and grumbled, “I don’t always jump the gun.”

“No, but you’re quick to get mad over nothing. I don’t know what happened but I don’t think staying mad’s a good response. You’ll explode.”

“Not unless Fatima forces my cork out,” I replied. He stared at me. “The reason I feel as if I’m in a body cast is because Fatima worked me hard at rehearsal and then made me hold a plank and then sat on me while holding the plank until I apologized.”

JC laughed, “How long’d you last?”

“About seventeen minutes,” I replied.

“But you hate planks.”

“But I hate apologizing even more.”

“I’ll take that as your apology then.” I stuck my hand out but he pushed it away. “Nuh-uh, I’ve known you since you were twelve—“

“Eleven,” I corrected.

“No, it was twelve,” he replied.

“I was eleven.”

“No you weren’t.”

“Yes I was ‘cause Justin came around February and he was all ready twelve. I didn’t turn twelve until later that year, remember?” I protested.

He waved his hand away, not wanting to admit that I was right and said, “Either, we aint gonna hand-shake this away, we’re goin’ to hug it away. Now c’mere, you.”

“No!” I said as I pushed his arms away. “No, Jace, I’m too sore to move.”

“Fine, I’ll just sit on you then.”

“Don’t even think about!”

“Ok.”

Before I could move JC hopped up and sat ontop of me and screamed in pain. “Uuugghhh! JC, get off! I’m not kidding, get off me, Joshua!” he just laughed as I tried to push him off of me but he wouldn’t budge. “God, for a skinny guy you weigh a ton.”

The door suddenly opened and I tilted my head back to see my two bodyguards, Eric and Todd (aka Tiny), come into the room followed by Liam and Bobbie.

Bobbie stopped in her tracks and lifted an eyebrow. “What’s goin’ on, babe?” She asked, not taking her eyes off of me.

“Just makin’ sure we’re on the same page,” JC replied smiling innocent at me.

“Be glad I can’t extend my arms or your front two teeth will become Chicklets,” I warned.

“I love you too,” he chirped, hopping off me. “Have fun. See you in a few.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, waving my hand, ushering him out then turned to Liam who was looking at me funny. “What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he replied. “Ok, about this tour. I’m sure by now that we’ve decided a great plan is to get you to open for the Backstreet Boys on their current tour.” I nodded as much as I could. “I hope you understand our reasoning behind it.”

“They’re big, if the fans like their opening act and the Backstreet Boys can promote whoever opens for them then their fans will support them. It’s simple logic,” I said with a shrug.

“Good,” he smiled. “Now, what’s going to happen is your movie gets released on the 16th of February. Your single, Pressure, will be released the exact same day to help promote the movie and your EP. You’re going to go to your movie premier in L.A. and make sure to talk about your music.” I rolled my eyes. Duh! That’s a no brainer. “The rest of February and the first half of March you’ll be working on your stage presence and the whole bit, but you can do that in Orlando if you want. You’ll join the Backstreet Boys on tour March 16th in Europe. The day before you’re going to be part of the Orlando Bands Together benefit concert. Good?”

“Great,” I replied. “What else do I need to know?”

“Well, in the next four weeks we’re going to have to cram wardrobe ideas, stage ideas, press conferences, appearances, mini shows, radio interviews, phone interviews, the works,”  Liam said as he counted off on his fingers. Every time a finger rose I felt panic start to sink in. “Now, we don’t want to stretch you too thin which is why we have a few ideas for PRs for you.”

“How old are they?” I questioned.

“In their mid to late twenties.” Liam’s smile slowly faded. “Why?” He asked guardedly.

“I’d rather have someone near my age,” I replied.

“We all ready contacted all these people,” he sighed.

“Can I…think about it?” I asked quietly.

“Of course.” Liam’s smile was tightlipped and I bit my own lip. You can’t please everyone.

~*~*~*~*~

“Does that have to be that bright?” I mumbled, staring at the lipstick that was hovering above my face. The makeup artist smiled and she twisted the bottom of the tube a bit more.

“It’s what the art director wanted, sweetie,” she replied.

“Why…why not blood red?” I asked, holding my hands up as if to shield my face from the sun.

The makeup artist tapped her chin as she thought. “That’s actually a good idea. But if Marty asks, it was mine, got it?” She winked and brought up my chin. “Lips together.” I let out a breath through my nose as she rubbed the red stick against my lips and then instructed me to rub them together. She squinted and looked close to my mouth. “Ok, you’re good. Wait a few minutes before they put you in wardrobe. I don’t want anything messing up.”

“So…what do I do until then?”

“Listen to music or dance or eat, carefully!” She said as she stuck a finger in my face.

“Yes ma’am,” I said as I jumped out of the chair and started looking around at the sets they had up that I was going to use later. One was going to be against a blue backdrop, the other against a light purple, and I think they said something about wanting me to shoot some scenes outside too. “Hey, can I play this guitar?” I called, picking up the acoustic that I had spotted.

“Sure, I think it was going to be a prop anyway,” the makeup artist replied.

“Great.” I dropped down in the big red beanbag chair, amazed at how big it was, and started strumming out a little tune that’s been playing in my head for a while and then added lyrics that I had written on the way here.

First off I can’t keep a promise
I'm no one to count on at all
Add on that I'm a coward
Too scared to return your calls

But you don't care
You keep sticking around
While I'm acting a clown
You're bigger
Lalalalalala, lalalalalala
Cuz you're still here
Your feet stuck to the ground
Despite how silly it sounds
You're bigger
Than me
Lalalalalala, lalalalalala

Its known that I'm a liar
Often they're blacker than white
Add on my uncandid ego
No one’s less humbled than I

But you don't care
You keep sticking around
While I'm acting a clown
You're bigger
Lalalalalala, lalalalalala
Cuz you're still here
Your feet stuck to the ground
Despite how silly it sounds
You're bigger
Than me
Lalalalalala, lalalalalala

All the messed up things I do
Yeah I swear I'll make'em up to you
Before you go and have enough
Just let me make it better
I'll try to measure up
I'll try to measure up to you

I'll make it up to you

But you don't care
You keep sticking around
While I'm acting a clown
You're bigger
Lalalalalala, lalalalalala
Cuz you're still here
Your feet stuck to the ground
Despite how silly it sounds
You're bigger
Than me
Lalalalalala, lalalalalala

I looked up and blushed when applause reached my ears and I saw the guys, my guys, making their way towards me. “How long have you been standing there?” I asked, putting down the guitar and getting up.

“Since you picked that thing up,” Lance replied.

“What made you realize we were right?” Chris asked.

“Sometimes it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong, Chris,” I replied. Then I put a hand on his shoulder, “Besides, it’ll be a cold day in Florida before I actually admit that you guys were right about something.”

“I figured as such.”

“Don’t you think that lipstick’s a little dark?” JC suddenly asked. I turned pleading eyes to Joey.

“I think its fine,” Joey spoke up, elbowing JC in the side.

“Thank you Joey, you were always my favorite,” I said as I hugged him from the side. He laughed and stuck out his tongue at the others as they collectively and loudly protested and started arguing with each other who my favorite was.

I laughed and turned when I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Oh hi Johnny,” I greeted him. “What’s going on?”

“Well, right now I’m trying to figure out why they’re going to rip each other’s throats out,” he replied not taking his eyes off of the fighting guys. Justin and Chris were currently bouncing on their toes, waving fists in front of their faces.

“Well, I said Joey was my favorite and now they’re trying to defend who really is my favorite in manly ways,” I replied, shaking my head.

“Who is your favorite?”

“Ah, that they will never know,” I replied with a grin. “Besides, I’m a girl and if I can barely remember people’s names I’m not going to really pick which one of them is my favorite. Not for a while, anyway.” He then noticed a piece of paper in his hands. “What’s that?” I asked.

“Oh yeah.” He held it out to me. “Also they want you in wardrobe.”

“Got it,” I replied. “Oh, and don’t break that up any time soon. I wanna see if they actually take someone’s head off. It’s one less protective mouth I have to worry about.”

“Get outta here, girl,” Johnny laughed lightly shoving me away. I chuckled and unfolded the paper as I walked to the wardrobe room. A woman was telling me about my first set of clothes (a light blue and gray striped jacket, a red t-shirt, jean short shorts, and black vans) as I stared at the picture. It was a big picture of a butterfly but the whole thing was made of two words.

I’m sorry.

February 11th, 1998

Memphis, TN

“That's all they really want/Some fun/When the working day is done/Oh girls-- they want to have fun/Oh girls just want to have fun!” I sang and danced around my room, whipping my hair and using my hairbrush as a microphone. I was taking a much needed break from picture approval as I waited for Trace and Rachael to drop by so we could go horseback riding.

After packed days of nonstop work I asked Liam if I could take some time off and go home to Memphis for some down time. After going back and forth a few times he agreed to let me go home if I took some of my work with me. Really, there shouldn’t be much that I needed to approve. I mean, I was using the Backstreet Boys’ stage and there wasn’t any point in me having a wardrobe change, it’s not the like audience would come to see me anyway but Liam pressed the idea on me so much I was close to snapping and punching him in the face.

The guys, unfortunately, had to stay back in Orlando to work on their own promo tour and I haven’t heard from the Backstreet Boys since the whole blow up thing about a month ago…which was kinda my fault…I guess. Anyways, I received a few missed calls from Brian a couple of times but when I tried to call him back he couldn’t answer, which kinda made me start to worry about them.

I stopped over in Orlando to bring my dad to Memphis with me and I was shocked to see what the cancer had done to him in the short span of time. His eyes weren’t the bright blue that they used to be, they now resembled a grayish color. He was thinner than before, enough that I could feel his bones through his skin and muscles. He wasn’t stick thin or anything that drastic but it was a noticeable change. The smile on his face wasn’t even the same anymore. It was as if he was a ghost of his former self, which was a big part of why I felt the need to bring him with me to Memphis. I always felt sort of rejuvenated whenever I left and I hoped it would have the same effect on him.

“Come on down for breakfast, girl. Your Mamaw made all your favorites,” Poppy said as he stuck his head into the doorway.

“Again? I’m going to weigh a ton by the time I leave here,” I said, walking over to my stereo and switching it off. “Besides, Trace and Rachael are going to be here soon,” I added, looking out the window and sighed again. Leave it to Trace to be notoriously late. Does he not care about other people’s schedules? The little fucker.

“Now, Tyke, you know it’s bad to go riding on an empty stomach,” Poppy said as he crossed his arms over his chest. He tried to look stern but he looked more comical than anything. His hair was way into that salt-and-pepper affect and the glasses on the bridge of his nose made his eyes seem to be two times bigger than normal.

“But it will cut into my riding time,” I whined. “Please, Poppy, please? I’ll make it up; I’ll do dishes when I get back.” I even stuck my lip out for good measure but Poppy stood like a stone.

“Come on, girl, you have plenty of time for riding before you go.”

“Ok, fine, just let me change,” I said as I ushered him out. I searched the drawers for a few minutes before deciding on a black tank top, a blue plaid shirt, and dark jeans along with my favorite pair of cowboy boots. I quickly pulled my hair back into two braids and grabbed my tan bucket hat and ran down the stairs into the kitchen. “Morning everyone!” I chirped, going around the table to kiss Momma, Daddy, Mike, Mamaw, and Poppy on the cheek before sitting down and instantly reaching for the pan of baked apples.

“Mornin’ Gorgeous. What do you have planned for today?” Daddy asked, taking the bowl that I held out to him and handing out the biscuits to me.

“Trace and Rachael are going to come over soon and we’re going to go horseback riding,” I replied, grabbing the baked good of the heavens and taking a bite, smiling in content. Nothing beats homemade biscuits, no matter how cute the Pillsbury Doughboy was. “Other than that I have to do costume approvals, dance rehearsal, and I have to get some homework done.” I grabbed the spoon that was in the honey and spread it over my biscuit. “I have to do this paper on my hero and I’m stuck so I figured riding would help the juices flow.”

“Wouldn’t you rather do homework first?” Momma asked. I licked some honey off of my tongue and shook my head, doing my best to ignore the disapproving look on her face.

“I would, but Liam’s grillin’ me about the approvals and I need to get them out of the way first.”

“Dear, you have to keep your schedule open around four o’clock today,” Mamaw said as she poured orange juice into her glass. Oh no. She said it in that way that I had to do it and it wasn’t a suggestion. I let out a little sigh and leaned back in my chair, preparing myself for her catastrophic news (there wasn’t any other kind with her, unfortunately). It took me a few seconds but I was finally able to ask that one word question.

“Why?” I asked, shoving a forkful of apples into my mouth and smiling at the cinnamon taste. I gave Poppy a thumbs up and he chuckled. Whatever it was she had to say I’m sure the apples would be able to blunt the bad news…

“Because you start your cotillion class today,” Mamaw replied.

Ok, maybe not. I almost choked on my apples as I tried to gasp. This, in twenty-twentyhindsight, was not a good idea. Mike gently hit my back as I coughed a bit. “I have to what!?” I cried out. Was she nuts? Absolutely crazy? Did I need to sign her up for a space in the Loony Bin all ready?  I figured you got there when you hit your eighties or something. And seriously, cotillion? Does she not know me at all? It must be those four inch thick glasses.

“Go to your cotillion class,” Mamaw repeated calmly as she daintily picked up a piece of bacon and took a bite. She chewed, swallowed, and dabbed her mouth before she continued to speak. Who took that long to eat bacon anyway? “You’re almost seventeen, dear, and that means your cotillion is coming up soon. We need to cram in as many classes as we can. You need to learn proper etiquette, dance, deportment, and other social graces—”

“I dance just fine,” I protested. She frowned at my interruption, which was basically a sin to her.

“Yes, but you dance in a way that do not--how should I say this?—reflect well on your society,” she replied. My lip twitched at her words and I looked at Mom and Dad. Mom had stopped chewing and Dad had his fist pressed to his mouth. They were both looking at Mamaw but they weren’t saying anything. Way to be supportive, you totally win the Parent of the Year Award.

“So I have to go to those stupid teas where they make you stick your pinky up and learn about social graces and go to other events with those stuck up, snobs?” I asked, squinting. “Heck no!”

“Dear, watch your language!,” Mamaw scolded as if I had just cursed her five ways from Sunday. Trust me; that was barely scratching the surface of what I could’ve said. “Besides, your mother went through cotillion and she turned out just fine.”

“She and Dad ended up divorced if that’s what you call fine,” I replied, tapping my fork against my plate. I knew it was a low blow but any opportunity I had to get out of this I would grab. “She was also a pageant girl but I guess you don’t see the problem with that either.”

“You need to learn how to exhibit grace under pressure,” Mamaw said patiently. “The world you’re getting into, it’s not one that I would’ve chosen for you, but it’s hard and pressure is pushing at you at all sides and the last thing this family needs is for you to disgrace our name by being put in the middle of a scandal.”

“Mother!” Momma gasped as Poppy patted the back of Mamaw’s hand. Mike let out an amused snort. Daddy pinched the bridge of his nose and I didn’t know whether or not I should throw the rest of my apples at Mamaw or scratch more marks into the table with my fingernails. Decisions, decisions…

“I’m not just going to go running out into the streets and yell that my family is crazy or anything, Mamaw. I’m being trained on how to answer questions and to keep my family life and personal life private,” I said after a few deep breaths. Mamaw pursed her lips as if she had just chugged sour lemonade. I swear, I can’t please the woman.  “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Mamaw, but I’m going to have to decline going to those classes,” I said, pushing away my plate, hating that my appetite left me.

Silence hung in the air like a bad smell, except for Mike who was still eating as if the conversation didn’t just happen. I couldn’t help but laugh a little a she lifted his head and winked at me. I was amazed at how Mike could easily diffuse a bad situation, which happened to turn up a lot in this family.

Mamaw put down her fork with a loud clatter and stood up so fast her chair toppled over. She then picked up everyone’s plates around the table in a hurried fashion, even if food was stuck to it. “I’m not finished with that!” I protested as she picked up my plate so fast it almost took off my nose.

“I think you are,” Mamaw said softly, dumping the food into different Tupperware containers before dropping the plates into the sink with a loud crash. I was surprised they didn’t break.

“Momma,” I said turning to her. Momma sighed and shrugged her shoulders. I groaned. Fuck, this wasn’t the vacation I wanted. I turned my head when I heard a rapping sound at the kitchen door and saw Rachael and Trace waving frantically through the glass and screen door. I pushed back my chair, the legs scraping against the floor. I smiled at the familiar sound. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some friends to see,” I said as I grabbed my hat. “It’s about time you got here,” I grumbled, as I stepped onto the porch.

“Uh-oh, what’d Mamaw say this time?” Rachael asked sympathetically, putting a hand on my shoulder as we moved down the porch and walked in the direction of the horse pen. It was about a fifteen minute walk. We could easily drive but Rachael says exercise is better for us. I guess she likes hearing Trace complain.

“Let’s just say she thinks I need to go to cotillion classes. I mean, what the hell would give her the idea that I need to take those boring snooze-fest classes?” I demanded.

“It can’t be because of your colorful vocabulary,” Trace said sarcastically.

“You curse more than I do,” I pointed out.

“Yeah but you don’t see me going to those classes.”

“You won’t see me there either ‘cause I don’t want to go and I don’t have time,” I replied. “What with everything flying at me at once I barely have time to think.”

“That explains a lot,” Trace snickered.

Rachael and I smacked Trace on the back of the head. “How’s preparation coming? Have you wrapped your head around the fact that you’re going to be rubbing elbows with the Hollywood Elite in five days?” She asked.

“I still haven’t come to terms that I won’t be with the guys from March until, like, December,” I replied, pressing my hat down over my head, shielding the bright sun.

“Don’t you think Liam is asking a bit too much of you?” Trace asked.

“It’s good promotion,” I said with a shrug. “And I won’t do nearly as much as the others so I can still call you guys every day or whatever.”

“Up until you get famous,” Trace corrected. “Then you’ll forget about us and where you got your start.” This again? Really?

“Don’t be so over dramatic. I won’t ever forget Memphis,” I said as we finally made it to the horse pen. A guy around six feet was leading Bluebelle around the gated area. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rachael tucking her hair behind her ears. Weird. “You work here? I’ve never seen you around,” I commented as I sat on top of the small fence and held out my hands. The guy let Bluebelle go and she walked over to me, nudging my palm with her nose.

“I started working here since the New Year,” he replied, his accent thick. He tipped his head in Trace’s and Rachael’s direction. “You must be Mackenzie,” he said with a bright white smile.

“I must be. And you are…?” I questioned.

“Calvin, little lady. Calvin Turner, but everyone calls me Cal.” He touched the brim of his hat. “It’s nice to finally meet ya. I’ve heard a lot about you from Rachael and Trace.” He then turned to the two. “Howdy Trace, Rachael. Want me to set up Ghost and Rebel Wind?”

“We’d appreciate it, Cal,” Trace replied.

I continued to rub Bluebelle’s nose as Cal walked in the direction of the stables. “So what’s the story on him?” I asked, brushing some dirt away from Bluebelle’s eye.

“You mean despite the fact that he looks like a younger version of the Marlboro Man?” Trace asked. He motioned with his finger for me to lean closer. “He goes to our school. Moved here in December, came in January. He’s the grandson of Fletcher Turner, which is why he works here. He’s caught the eye of every girl at school.” He raised his eyebrows as he let his words sink in.

“No way!” I exclaimed once it hit me. Trace nodded and smiled. “Rachael likes this guy? Do they ever talk?”

“All the time, actually, only because our horses are here. She’s offered to help him take care of the place too,” Trace said with a little laugh.

“Finally! Payback is mine,” I sighed in content, grabbing Bluebelle’s reins and moving her over so I could swing up and onto her back. “So how much does she like this guy?”

“Why?”

“It’ll determine how much I get to make fun of her judging by how much she made fun of me,” I replied with a grin.

“You’re too cruel,” he muttered.

“Cool? Why, yes I am, Trace. Why’d it take you so long to figure that out?” I teased. He rolled his eyes and walked over to Cal who was leading Ghost and Rebel Wind out of the stables.

“Cal’s going to ride with us. I said you guys wouldn’t mind,” Rachael announced as I urged Bluebelle forward. I shrugged and was about to turn Bluebelle around when I noticed something odd. When in the world had she managed to put on lip-gloss?

“No, we don’t mind. Do we, Trace?” I asked, turning to him with an amused smile.

“No, we don’t mind at all,” he added, snickering slightly as he climbed onto Rebel Wind’s back and steadied the antsy horse. I pointed at him and shook my head. He widened his eyes innocently and moved Rebel Wind over so Cal had room to move his horse in the gap. “So, where are we riding? The creek or the meadow?”

“The creek. I can’t stay away too long or else Grandpa Fletcher will tan my hide,” Cal replied. Rachael let out a very un-Rachael-like giggle. I chuckled, flicked the reigns against Bluebelle’s back, and urged her forward.

We eased our horses down the flattened path and stayed quiet, looking around the scenery. A few minutes into the ride Cal and Rachael trailed behind as Trace and I raced to the creek. I leaned close to Bluebelle’s neck, clutching her body with my knees, trying to get as aerodynamic as possible.

“Ha, I win,” Trace laughed, punching his fists into the air.

“Hey, I haven’t been here for a while, I’m rusty,” I whined, pulling at the reigns to slow her down.

“Excuses, excuses,” he said with a wave of his hand. “I won, you lost, get used to it.”

I huffed. “You can be a real jackass sometimes.”

“I’m not as bad as Justin can get,” Trace replied, sliding off of Rebel Wind’s back and leading him to a tree branch to tie up his reigns so he wouldn’t get away.

“Justin gets cocky, I’ll admit that, but he’s not a jackass,” I defended, leading Bluebelle over to the tree.

“You would defend him.”

I paused and looked down at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that Justin still can pull the wool over your eyes,” Trace replied leaning a palm against the trunk and resting his weight on his hand.

“Not you too,” I sighed.

“Mack, I’ve stood by for years and watched as you repeatedly let Justin walk all over you. I just don’t get why you let him do it, I don’t get it at all.” I opened my mouth to protest but he shot me a warning glare and I pressed my lips together. “He’s the one who got you your dancing job but I didn’t even hear you give it a second thought. It was as if he just signed your name for you.”

“Trace, you know I’ve always wanted to be a choreographer,” I protested.

“Yes, but did you really think about what that job entails?” He demanded, lifting an eyebrow.

“Of course, a lot of travel and I get to meet new people,” I said as I dropped off Bluebelle’s back.

“No, that means Justin gets to hold you under his thumb,” Trace said with an eye roll.

“That’s not true,” I sighed.

“Is it? I’ll bet you that Justin tries every way he can to stop you from going on that tour with the Backstreet Boys. He’ll try to twist everything to his favor so you can open for them, even though logically that wouldn’t make sense, but I wouldn’t put it past him because he always gets his way.”

I rubbed my forehead. “I’ll deal with Justin when I have to, ok?” I slid off of Bluebell’s back and patted her side. “I’m really getting tired of you guys talking crap about him all the time.”

Trace let out a bitter laugh. “Oh my god, he still has you wrapped around his finger. You’re fucking whipped, that’s what you are.”

“I am not, shut up!” I hissed, dropping Bluebelle’s reigns. Don’t go off on him, don’t go off. Count to ten…

“Why do you let him walk all over you? Huh? What happened to you? He’s taking over your life.”

“Shut up, Trace!” I snarled.

“You know, Justin’s not the only one who’s here for you,” he grumbled. I let out a slow breath and turned away from him, still frustrated. “Hey lovebirds, what took you so long?” He suddenly yelled, causing me to jump. I turned and saw Cal and Rachael who finally came down the path.

“You guys raced ahead of us,” Rachael pointed out.

“Yeah but it doesn’t take two hours to get here,” I said, putting my hands on my hips. “Hey Rach?”

“Yeah?” She asked, looking down at me from her horse.

“You might want to take a look in a mirror.”

“What? Why?” She asked in slight alarm.

“Because you have hearts in your eyes.” I smirked.

“Shut up,” she snapped, blushing. She paused and her eyes shifted back and forth, as if waiting for Trace or me to say something. “Umm, did I miss something?”

“No,” I responded before Trace could speak. “Nothing important.” I forced a smile.

***

“You put chocolate into your chili?” Jonathan asked, leaning over the pot that I was stirring. As soon as I had gotten back from horseback riding I had taken a shower and tried to sit down and do my homework. When I wasn’t doing that I was answering phone calls from my management about finalizing things for the tour from lighting all the way down to sound systems (which I knew jack shit about). The day had gone by quickly and the next thing I knew I was baby-sitting Jonathan for Mr. Timberlake and helping Lynn with dinner. We always had dinner at the Harless place. It wasn’t even questioned anymore.

“Yes, it’s my secret recipe. Now sssshh,” I hissed, bringing my finger up to my mouth. He mimicked my actions and giggled glancing at Lynn who was swiftly chopping onions on the other side of the kitchen. “I make the best chili in all of Memphis.” I then lowered my voice. “But don’t tell Miss Sadie that. She thinks she’s better than me but she’s not. She’s great at a lot of things but her chili’s not better than mine. That’s our secret, ok?”

“Ok!” Jonathan chirped.

“That’s my boy,” I said, planting a loud kiss on his cheek as he giggled. I broke off a piece of the chocolate that was sitting on the edge of the counter and broke that in half, handing it to him. “Now, don’t tell anyone we’re sneaking chocolate before dinner.” Jonathan held a finger up to his mouth before popping the candy into his mouth. I smiled and did the same.

“I saw that,” Lynn chirped. I gave her a sheepish smile and she laughed. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone as long as you set the table.”

“Deal.”

“Dinner smells good,” Mike said as he came into the kitchen.

“Thanks Mike,” I said as I grabbed a bowl and added corn to it. “It should be done in twenty minutes, a half hour tops.”

“Good, Trace is complaining about you not cooking fast enough or something.”

“He better be happy I haven’t kicked him out,” I grumbled. “Jonathan, do me a favor and keep Uncle Trace company,” I said as I picked him up and put him on the floor. I ruffled his hair before he took off for the living room. “So what’s on that small mind of yours?” I asked with a teasing smile.

“Speaking of small, the munchkins of Oz are looking for you,” Mike shot back.

“Ooh, good one. Where’d you get that, a gum wrapper?” I questioned as I turned back to the stove and added a slew of different types of beans. “Again I ask, what’s on your mind? You people know not to bother me when I’m cooking. I could make a mistake.”

“Heaven forbid,” Lynn said with a teasing smile. I stuck my tongue out at her and she put her hands on her hips. “Young lady, you were taught better than that,” she said with a laugh. I smiled sweetly and she swatted at my arm with a dish towel when I passed her and sat down in a chair at the kitchen table.

“I just wanted to know how you’re feeling,” he replied. I lifted my eyebrows. “What with your life going to change in the next few days, I wanted to know how you’re dealing with it.”

“I’m taking it one step at a time. Coming back here was what I needed. It helped me put everything into perspective, ya know? Just being here…I’m going to miss it because when I’m here I feel like myself.”

“I can tell, your accent is coming back,” he replied.

“It never went away. I just didn’t like using it,” I admitted.

“Why?”

“I was always teased by people because it was thick so I learned to speak without it.”

“Well, you should hide some of it. The accent is really strong,” Mike laughed. I stuck my tongue out at him. “No, I understand what you mean. I totally understand. I don’t know anything about the entertainment business, what with being an interior decorator and all—“

“Whoa! You’re an interior decorator!?” I laughed. “I never knew that. I thought you were a lawyer or something.”

“As I was saying I don’t know anything about the entertainment business but you do need something that will keep you grounded and, despite how much you’ve been trying to push it away, I think Memphis is it. You’re more alive here.”

“Aint that the truth,” Lynn said, placing a kiss on my forehead. I smiled and hugged her side as best as I could in my chair.

“There’s something magical about this place,” I sighed. “So, when are you going to propose to my mom?” I asked, turning the conversation a full 180. He didn’t even get a chance to respond when the phone rang but I didn’t budge, I just kept my eyes on him. There was no way he was going to get off the hook that easily.

“Sweetie—” Momma said as she appeared in the doorway of the kitchen.

“I am not doing that cotillion thing no matter what Mamaw says,” I interrupted her.

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Momma laughed. “Geeze, still one to jump the gun. I was going to say that you have a phone call.”

“Who is it?” I asked, looking over at her.

“Some guy named Alex,” she replied, holding the phone out.

I pointed my fingers at my eyes and then pointed them at Mike before taking the phone. Did I know an Alex? “Hello?” I answered.

“Um…hi.”

I bit my lip. I knew that uniquely raspy voice anywhere. “Hi, AJ. How are you?” I responded, rubbing my forehead.

“I’m doing good. I’m doing good,” he replied, somewhat hesitant. God, this is awkward. “Look, um the reason I called was to, um…I just wanted to make sure…um.” He sighed. “The tour’s coming up and we’re going to be stuck together for a while and I don’t think we should be on bad terms or anything.”

“I agree,” I replied, slapping at Mike’s hand that was reaching for the cookies that were sitting in the middle of the table.

“You do?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I just…I didn’t think you’d listen to me. Or take my call at all, for that matter.”

“Yeah, well, I’m unpredictable like that,” I sighed.

“Look, about what I said…I know you probably won’t believe me but I didn’t mean a thing I said.” I stayed silent and pursed my lips. “I mean that. I just…I was just…” he sighed. “I can’t make excuses and I did what I did but I’m trying to fix it and I was hoping that you’d forgive me—us! The others had nothing to do with it, it was all me, but they want to make sure everything’s ok as well.”

I grumbled under my breath and rubbed my temples as Momma and Mike continued to watch me pace around the kitchen. I really just wanted to hang up on him but then Momma would say something along the lines of needing to know when to be the strong one and forgive someone despite what happened and blah blah blah. “Ok, listen carefully ‘cause I’m only going to say this once. What you said hurt me, I don’t even care if it was the truth or not, it really hurt. For the sake of this tour and for the sake of my sanity I’m willing to put this behind us. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll forget what you said. Now, this doesn’t mean I forgive you. I don’t think I will for a while but I want to just move on from this whole thing and look forward to the future. Ok?”

“Ok, that’s…that’s good. I deserve it, I know that. Thanks for not hanging up on me. If I were you I would’ve hung up.”

“You caught me in a good mood,” I replied.

“Well, good I guess. Oh, and ‘Tima had no right to do you like that. You didn’t have to apologize, really it was on me.”

“Fatima doesn’t do anything unless she has a good reason so…” I looked around to try and find a way to get off the line. The awkwardness was bothering me. “I have to go. I’ll see you…on the 18th I think? Liam said something about wanting to rehearse the whole thing to see how much time it takes.”

“Yeah, yeah. See you then. Bye.”

“Bye.” I hung up the phone and gave it back to Momma. “Where’s Dad?” I asked.

“I think he’s taking a nap,” she replied.

“Thanks.” I quickly left the kitchen, moved through the living room, and went up stairs to find Dad. It was weird having Momma, Mike, and Daddy all in the same house. Daddy and Momma didn’t share the same bedroom anymore, she and Mike do now. Dad’s in the guest room, as if he were the guest. “Dad, you awake?” I asked, pushing open the door.

He stirred on the bed and lifted the hand that was covering his eyes, looked at me, and smiled. “Yeah, I’m awake. What’s going on?” He asked, motioning for me to lie on the bed next to him. I rested my head on his chest and my palm on his stomach, much like I did when I was a kid.

“I just wanted to see how you’re doing,” I replied.

“I’m fine.”

“Really, Dad,” I said as I sat up to look at him.

He laughed and petted my head. “I’m being honest, I’m fine. The way I see it this cancer is a good thing.”

“What? Why?”

“Because now I can see life through a different perspective,” he replied. “Now I know I won’t take my time for granted.”

I started to pick my nails. “Hey Dad, why did you and Mom get divorced?” I asked quietly.

“Don’t think it’s because of you,” he said in a warning tone.

I shrugged. “I can’t help it.”

“Sweetie, us getting divorced has nothing to do with you,” he said firmly. “We just…fell out of love, to put it simply. I still love her, I always will, I’m just not in love with her.”

“Do you like Mike?” I asked.

“Mike’s a great guy, I’m happy for her, honest.”

“What if he asks her to marry him?”

He paused and let out a breath. “I’ll have to deal with it, won’t I? What about you? Would you be ok if he asked her to marry him?”

“I…I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I like Mike a lot but…I don’t think I could see him as my new dad.”

“He wouldn’t be a new dad, just another dad.” I didn’t respond.  He looked at me in that specific way that always got me talking. “What’s on your mind, kiddo? I know it’s not about me or your mother or Mike.”

“AJ called,” I replied. His forehead crinkled. “You know, from the Backstreet Boys.”

“The tattooed one?” He questioned. I nodded. “Right. What’d he call about?”

“He wanted to make sure everything between us was fine. Didn’t want any hard feeling s while we were on tour.”

“Ok, I don’t see the problem.”

I sighed. “It still bothers me what he said.”

“Sweetie, take it from me, you shouldn’t dwell on something that means so little in this big world. If you spend most of your time holding a grudge you won’t get past it and you won’t have fun.”

“I hate it when you do that.”

“Do what?’

“When you say the right thing,” I said with a tiny smile.

“It’s in my job description,” he joked.

“I love you, Dad.”

“Je t’aime aussi, ma petite fleur. I love you, too.”

I sighed in content and rubbed my stomach. I may have eaten a bit too much chili but it was worth it, especially with Lynn’s Corny Cornbread (lame name Justin came up with when we were kids, basically its cornbread with cooked corn kernels in it) and her famous sure-to-rot-your-teeth Kool-Aid. The Michael Jackson CD that played on a constant loop put everyone in a great mood, even Mamaw (who I was sure was still pissed at me (even thought she wouldn’t admit it).

Now we were all relaxing in the living room while we waited for Miss Sadie and Lynn to finish with the desert. Rachael, who sat on the armrest of the loveseat, was talking to my mom about some knitting technique she should try. She was on one side of the loveseat, her legs across Mike’s lap giving Rachael her two cents while Mike dig his fingers into her calf muscles. Dad sat in a recliner, his eyes closed and his hands resting on his slightly distended stomach, humming softly. Trace was sitting on the floor playing a little game of tug-o-war with Little J and Oreo.

The night was filled with good food, laughter, and the retelling of old stories and jokes. I just leaned back in my chair and soaked it all in. Who knew when I’d be back in Memphis to be able to do this again? To be normal again. It was moments like this that made me want to run and hide under my bed again.

I jumped at the sudden ringing phone, reached behind my head and grabbed it. “Harless residence,” I answered.

“What have I said about going to Memphis without me?” Justin asked and a smile automatically spread on my face. “And you’re at my house, no less. Are you trying to make my momma like you better than me or something?”

“She all ready does, she just doesn’t tell you because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings,” I replied. I could practically see the pout that was on his face. “Hey, wasn’t "God Must Have Spent" released in Europe today?”

“Yep. Johnny says we should get chart results in the next couple of days.” He tried to hear

“Are you worried?” I asked, twisting my finger in the spiral cord.

“No, I mean…it is what it is. We’ve done well before and if they like it, great, if they don’t, oh well. We have other songs,” he mused. “Ok, so what’s the plan?”

“We’re flying to L.A. on the 16th,” I recounted off the top of my head “Well, you are, I’m flying in the night of the 15th. After that I’m going on your promo tour with you and on the 16th of March I’m headin’ off to Ireland.”

“…That’s so soon,” Justin said glumly. "That's not even that long. Only ten days."

I sighed. My heart practically broke at the sadness in his voice. “I know but that means we have to make sure we spend as much time together as possible.” He stayed silent. “C’mon, Juppy cheer up.” Trace lifted his head and looked at me when I mentioned my nickname for Justin but then a second later he turned his attention back to my pups. “We have the rest of February together.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “It’s better than nothin’. Hey, lemme talk to Momma.”

“Lyynnnn, its Justin!” I called, pressing the phone into my chest. Lynn came into the living room drying her hands. “Is the pie ready?” I asked, holding the phone out of her reach.

Lynn laughed and wiggled her fingers. “Yes! Let me talk to my son!”

“Yes ma’am.” I jumped off of the couch and licked my lips at the smell of the freshly baked pecan pie. “Daddy, do you want any?” I asked him. He didn’t open his eyes but he shook his head and I wasn’t about to ask Momma and Mike, they were giving each other flirty eyes. Gross.

I eagerly went into the kitchen and felt my mouth water at the sight of Miss Sadie’s pecan pie.

“Child, you better sit down before you float away from how much your mouth is watering,” Miss Sadie laughed, directing me to the table. Her husband, Bill, was all ready sitting there quietly eating his pie.

“With pleasure!” I said, sitting down. She brought a knife over and cut the pie. “Bigger,” I said quickly, stopping her from making another cut. She moved her wrist over. “A bit bigger,” I said with a grin.

“Don’t come complaining to me when you have clogged arteries,” Miss Sadie grumbled, cutting my piece and putting it onto my plate.

“It’d be a compliment,” I responded, shoving the nutty-goo into my mouth. She laughed and cut another slice for Trace and Rachael who had wandered into the kitchen as well, Little J and Oreo following closely at their heels. She cut their slices and cut one for herself. Bill picked up their plates and offered his arm to his wife and the two walked to the back patio.

“Aww, I hope I’m like them when I’m married,” Rachael sighed.

“If you find someone who wants to marry you,” Trace pointed out.

“Don’t crush her hopes, Stinkerbell,” I scolded. He stuck out his tongue. “Besides, she won’t have to worry with the way Cal looks at her.”

Rachael blushed. “Shut up, we’re just friends.”

“Mhm, friends who want to jump each other’s bones and I’ve only known the guy for, like, two days.”

“Mack!”

“What?” I asked innocently. “I mean, he knows what to do around horses and he can take care of Bluebelle for me and I don’t have to worry. I approve, don’t worry.”

“Oh yeah, hotshot, what about you?” Rachael asked.

“I don’t know, I’ve always seen myself marrying a guy named Beau,” I replied.

“Beau!?” Trace laughed, practically choking on his pie. “Why the hell Beau? That’s a retarded name.”

“Coming from someone named Trace,” I shot back.

“Hey, I was named after Trace Adkins, don’t be dissin’ my name.”

“Your first name’s Juan,” Rachael snickered.

“Why’re y’all always ganging up on me?” He grumbled. “It’s like whenever Justin’s around you two are perfectly nice but whenever he’s not here it’s like you two turn into the devil’s spawn or something.”

“Grow a fuckin’ backbone, we’re just teasin’ ya,” I laughed at his melodramatic attitude. “I gotta get all of my shots in while I can.” Rachael and Trace looked at each other as if I had just told them the world ran out of pecan pie. “C’mon, guys, are you going to be this sulky every time I mention leaving? You’re not this bad with Justin.”

“Well, with Justin we got used to him going off every weekend,” Rachael pointed out.

“You should’ve known that she’d do whatever it is that Justin does,” Trace sighed.

“Why does Justin always come up in a conversation I have with someone?” I grumbled. Was it so hard to be able to talk to someone from home without having to be like Justin’s keeper?

“It’s bound to happen,” Rachael said with a shrug. “He’s my cousin. He’s Trace’s best friend. He’s your—”

“Slave driver,” Trace interrupted.

“You know I’ve had about enough of your lip,” I said, jabbing my fork in his direction. “I get that you’re upset but come on! My life doesn’t revolve around him.” Lies, lies, all lies. You know he does.

“Yes it does,” Rachael and Trace said unison.

“No it doesn’t,” I denied. Liar.

“Yes it does.”

“Well maybe it’s because I used to hate both of you,” I commented. Change the subject to a safer topic. I didn’t worry about hurting their feelings; they knew I didn’t like ‘em at first. Trace and I used to hate each other’s guts and Rachael liked different things than I did.

“When’d that change?” Rachael asked, squinting. “I mean it’s like a very fuzzy memory.”

“When you ripped the heads off of your Barbie dolls and we used ‘em as badminton birdies,” I replied, smiling at the memory. “Your mom was so pissed.”

“I remember when she saw them. She’s like: ‘Rachael Grace, have you lost your damn mind?’” Trace and I burst out laughing. Her imitation of her mother was spot on. “And when’d you stop fighting with Trace?”

“When he got remotely good looking.”

“Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m drop-dead gorgeous!” Trace said as he puffed out his chest.

“You should just drop dead, gorgeous,” Rachael quipped. Trace threw his balled up napkin at her. She threw it back at him. He searched for something else to use as ammo and grabbed my pie piece.

“My pie!” I yelled. Ok, it’s just pie, I get it, but to me it’s like the end of the world. No one steps between me and my pie.

“What’s with all the noise in here?” Sadie bellowed, rushing into the room. Trace, Rachael, and I all jumped before looking at her as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Nothing Miss Sadie,” we chorused, looking at each other.

“We were just teasin’ Trace,” I explained.

“Yeah, we didn’t meant to be so loud,” Rachael added.

“Screaming like a couple of piglets in here, I thought someone died or something! God forbid…” Miss Sadie muttered, going off on her usual rant as she patted the hair on her head as if to make sure no strand was out of place.

“Here,” Trace said as he threw my pie back onto my plate.

“I don’t want that, it has Trace germs all over it!”

Trace opened his mouth to say something but Miss Sadie shot him a look and he slumped in his seat.

“I talked to your grandmother this morning,” Miss Sadie said, turning to me.

“So? You talk to her every day,” I pointed out. “It’s about the cotillion thing isn’t it?”

She nodded. “She really wants you to do those classes.”

“Well, tough tiddlywinks, I aint doin’ it,” I grumbled.

“Why not?”

I studied her face trying to figure out what game she was playing but she stared back at me as if genuinely interested. “I’m not taking poof classes,” I replied. “They’re stupid. I have perfectly good manners…when I need them. I don’t want to be Southern Belle, it’s not me! I don’t want to be married before thirty. I don’t want to do stupid pageants. I don’t want to take stupid classes etiquette classes. I don’t want to be formed into a mold. They’re like…robots.”

“Hey now, you better watch yer mouth,” Miss Sadie said sternly but she had a twinkle in her eye. “I myself was a Southern Belle, still am and let me tell ya, I’m dern proud of it.”

“I didn’t mean to disrespect you,” I said quickly, blushing at being scolded. Why in front of the others too. “I’m just saying it’s not for me.”

“But it’ll make Jasmine mighty happy,” Miss Sadie pointed out, turning her head slightly when the sliding glass door opened from the back patio and Bill came into the kitchen, empty plates were balanced on his arm.

“I’m not going to do something that I don’t want to do just to make her hap…” Then it dawned on me. “py…” I finished lamely. I then made a face and looked at Trace and Rachael. Rachael was smirking but Trace was flat out practically telling me ‘I told you so’ without saying it. “You’re good,” I sighed.

“It’s what I’m here for, Child,” Miss Sadie replied with a wink.

“Now you understand why I married her, she makes me realize when I’m being stupid,” Bill said before kissing her cheek and she blushed.

“Which is all of the time,” she joked.

“Hey now, this stupid old man thought clearly when he married you. Don’t make me realize my fault.”

Miss Sadie slapped him on the arm and the two giggled like children. Rachael let out a soft “awww” and even Trace didn’t turn away from the display.

“Can I have more pie?” I asked breaking Miss Sadie’s and Bill’s love stare.

“What’s wrong with the one on your plate?” Bill asked as Miss Sadie went to cut another piece.

“Trace touched it,” I replied as if it were an obvious reason that I needed a new piece.

Bill laughed a throaty laugh. “Girl, if you’re worried about him touching your pie you’re going to have to worry about a lot more once you get a boyfriend because he’s going to want to be touchin’ all over you.”

“Ack!” I cried out, slapping my hands to my ears as my cheeks pulled in blood from every which way. So I didn’t have much experience with the opposite gender, sue me. I like boys but thinking about being that close to one freaks me out. “Bad images, Bill, bad images!”

“Oh yeah, you gotta watch what you say about her, anything that has anything to do with the spectrum of sex she freaks out,” Trace said with a laugh in his voice as I glared at him.

“Just because I don’t fuck everything with balls—“

“Watch your language!” Miss Sadie scolded.

“—doesn’t mean I’m a prude!” I snapped, ignoring Sadie.

“Whatever,” Trace said. I could tell by his tone that he didn’t mean it and was only trying to stop an argument that was bound to arise. And he was still holding onto those wretched four words that I hated.

“Go ahead and say it,” I said once Miss Sadie and Bill were out of the room.

“What do you mean?” Trace asked innocently.

“Don’t play fucking coy with me, just go ahead and say ‘I told you so!’ so we can both get on with our lives.” Trace merely smirked before going back into the living room. I rolled my eyes as Rachael laughed. “What’re you squawking about?” I snapped.  God, Trace could really get on my nerves sometimes…

“You two,” she replied. “You know Trace is just trying to get your attention and you’re practically eating out of the palm of his hand.”

“If only he’d get over me things would be a bit better, but it’s ok because I know I’m fucking irresistible.”

“You’ve been around J too long,” Rachael sighed. “He’s always so cocky.”

“I’m not cocky, I’m confident, there’s a difference,” I pointed out and put down my fork. Change the subject, dammit! “Does J still have his ATVs or did Lynn make him get rid of ‘em?”

Justin and his dad—his real dad, Randy—had gotten two ATVs from this garage sale a year ago. He gave one to Trace and they went racing through the woods a lot. Once Rachael saw how fun it was she got one as well. My mom says I’m not allowed to have one because they’re dangerous and blah blah blah so I borrow Justin’s whenever I get the chance.

Rachael nodded. “Always takes care of ‘em.”

“Good, I’m not in the mood to walk home. Want to come with?”

“Yeah, but what about your dogs?” She asked, bending to scratch them behind the ears.

“Mom and Dad can take ‘em home,” I replied and we walked into the living room. “Hey Momma, I’m going to go home,” I said, sticking my head into the living room. “Can you bring the trouble twins home?”

She nodded. “You’re not walking by yourself are you?”

“Mom! I know this place like the back of my hand!” I protested. I interrupted her almost immediate scolding, “Rachael’s coming with me.” She held her stare. “And Trace,” I grumbled, picking at my nails. “See you at home.”

I shoved Rachael out the front door and to the garage before Mom could say anything. She punched in their code and lifted the door. I grabbed a helmet off of the wall and a setoff keys and went over to an ATV.

“Wanna race back?” Trace asked, grabbing a helmet himself.

“First to my house wins eternal bragging rights,” I replied.

“No! First back gets to embarrass Justin in public!” Rachael replied, eyes wide in excitement. She kinda reminded me of a Chihuahua.

“How badly?” I asked, swinging my leg over the seat.

“As bad as possible.”

“Deal,” Trace and I said in unison, moving our ATVs to the front yard. Trace and Rachael revved their engines every now and then as I adjusted my helmet. “Ok, on three! One…two…three!”

We all shot forward, dirt and gravel flying every which way as we peeled out of the driveway and took off down the street. Despite having a helmet over my head I could hear the wind whistling in my ears and my heart beating right behind them. I urged the ATV forward and managed to squeeze past Rachael and move in behind Trace.

Riding an ATV was almost as fun as riding Bluebelle, only with the ATV I had to worry more about low lying hazards. With Bluebelle I put my faith in her that she’d jump it, now it was all me to avoid any obstacle that got in my way.

It was funny how much riding an ATV could be a lot like life, now that I think about it. A lot of things can come flying your way but it’s your decision alone about how you’ll react to them, if you’ll get out of the way or let it take you down.

I look around at the dark scenery that whizzed by the path lit up from the headlights and soon my fenced in house came up on the horizon. There was no way that Trace was going to beat me to my own house. The path got wider so I took the opportunity to get as aerodynamic as possible. We raced neck and neck and my home steadily got closer. I thought it was in the bag but Trace cut me off by swerving right in front of me and I had to jerk the handlebars to get out of the way.

Dammit!

I wrenched off my helmet and threw it at Trace as he started laughing. “Godammit, Trace, you coulda killed me!”

“But I didn’t!” He pointed out, taking off his own helmet, smiling smugly. I muttered a few choice words under my breath as Rachael finally came up, skidding so she sprayed dirt at Trace who raised his hands to shield his face. “Low blow, Bomar!” He called.

Rachael saluted and laughed. Her smile suddenly frowned as she looked at my house and then she looked at me. She looked like a puppy that just got kicked. “You better not cry!” I warned her.

“I’m not,” she said, catching her voice right before it cracked.

“Geeze Rach,” I grumbled, walking over to her and hugging her tight. “It’s not the end of the world. I’ll come back and visit. And who said this is permanent? I’m just doing this to wet my feet a little and to help my dad.”

“But the world’s going to love you,” Rachael replied, wiping her eyes and smiling a little. “Everyone does.”

“I can see why. I’m fan-fucking-tastic!” I said as if she were crazy. She laughed and hugged me again. “Are you actually going to call me this time? Do you know how annoying it was having to get a message from Justin?” I demanded, turning to Trace.

“I’ll have to make sure I shove it in between your high-demand schedule,” he replied, shoving his hands into his pockets. His breath came out in a little cloud before it disappeared into the dark, chilly air. “Don’t be so modest, you’re going to rock,” he said, noticing the look on my face.

“I don’t know, I just…I don’t like the attention,” I admitted.

“You’re a freakin’ dancer! People look at you all the time, what’s the difference? You’ll do great, and if you don’t I’ll personally fly over to whatever the fuck country you are and make sure you do great.”

I know I’ve said it a billion times before but I never realized how great my friends are. I was surprised I haven’t driven them up the wall with my kinda-sorta-frequent wishy-washiness, but those you don’t scare away are your best friends for life, at least that’s the way I see it. And I needed them, sure my sanity was on the line sometimes, but they were worth it.

After hugging Rachael until I felt like she was going to pop my head off I started pushing Justin’s ATV into my garage while she and Trace got back on theirs.

“Hey Mack,” Trace called over the revving of his engine. I turned to look at him. What could it be that he forgot to tell me? He’s called me every ‘short’ name under the sun; he said ‘bye’ all ready and he boost my ego tenfold. He did everything he usually does, what could be left…?

“I told ya so!”

I laughed and flipped him off, watching as he rode down the dirt after Rachael. I pushed the ATV into the garage the rest of the way and then turned back to pull down the garage door. Rubbing my hands together to get dust and dirt off of it, I pushed open the door that led into our laundry room, and then pulled open the door that went into the kitchen.

I stretched and spread my arms in the open space of the kitchen, spinning on my toes. I came back down on my feet and then went straight into a pirouette. I danced around the kitchen to the music that was playing in my head. All of a sudden my fear and apprehension was replaced with giddiness and the need to move around and the kitchen was the best place. Daddy, Mom, and I would always dance in the kitchen in the mornings as we made breakfast together. As I moved to do different jumps I could practically hear the ghost of my younger self laughing as Dad and I spun around the room, dancing to 40s swing music as Mom warned him to be careful.

I stopped and looked around the empty kitchen again. I walked over to the array of picture frames that were sitting on the counter. I picked up the first one and clicked my tongue as my eyes skimmed the black and white photo of me when I was four on the day Aaron was born, holding him. His big eyes were open and he had a bright smile on his face. I sighed and put the picture back down. You support me, right Aar?

I jumped when the phone suddenly rang and glanced back and forth between the phone and the picture wondering if there was some sort of weird supernatural thing going on. “Hello?” I answered picking up the phone.

“What’re you doing up so late? Don’t you and Philippe have to fly to Orlando in the morning?” Mamaw asked. She never said ‘hello’ she always got right down to business.

“I just got back from Lynn’s—“

“Miss Lynn!”

“—Miss Lynn’s and I was going to get in the shower and get to bed.” I bit my lip and hesitated. I wanted to make sure things were clear between us before I left but, honestly, I was scared. Mamaw wore her heart on her sleeve and I didn’t want to upset her. I let out a breath, recalling Miss Sadie’s words and went for the plunge. “Mamaw, I know you’re upset with me, but I can’t do the cotillion thing.”

There was silence on her end before she finally answered. “I don’t understand why you shy away from who you are.”

“Mamaw, that’s just it. That’s not who I am. I don’t wear dresses or makeup or heels because I don’t like to. I don’t feel myself when I wear that stuff, I feel fake. I like wearing shorts and t-shirts and jeans and playing outside without worrying about mud. Sure, I curse a lot and you can blame Justin and Trace for that, but I know when to turn it off. I know when to be serious and when to be polite. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out who I really am and who and what I want to be. I just now got used to my accent, you can’t ask too much out of me. I have a lot of pressure on me and I don’t need it from my family, I need my family to support me.”

“Chilie, what makes you think that I don’t support you?” Mamaw demanded. I could practically see her putting her hands on her hips. “Your Poppy and I have bragged to everyone we know about all that you and Justin are doing. You make us very proud, very proud.”

“Thanks,” I sighed, feeling a weight off my shoulders.

“And know that you can always come back to Memphis if you ever need to get away and nothing will change, Chilie. You and Justin are destined for greatness but we won’t see you differently. You need constant never-ending support and we’ll always be here to give it to you.”

“Thanks Mamaw!” I picked up the picture of me and Aaron again, winking at it in thanks for Aaron’s support.

February 16th, 1998

Los Angeles, CA

I didn’t think this day would come.

After flying into Los Angeles late last night it finally hit me what was happening and I couldn’t be any more excited. It was finally February 16th! My movie and single were being released today!

I all ready felt like I was going to bounce off the walls of happiness. It was what kept me up until about two in the morning when I finally crashed. I didn’t know what time it was but I knew it was some ungodly hour when I heard knocking at the door.

“Go away,” I grumbled, pulling my pillow down over my head to muffle out the knocking on the door. I sighed and tried to go back to sleep when the knocking stop but a second later I could hear the doorknob turning. I figured it was either Todd or Eric, my security, but I was horribly wrong.

The next thing I knew I heard rushing footsteps and then the full blow of heavy body landed on my back. I groaned and tried to push whoever it was on top of me to the ground but I was too tangled up in my sheets. I finally freed my arm and lifted my pillow off of my head, swinging it to hit whoever was on my back.

“Holy bed-head, Batman!” Chris laughed, dodging the pillow that I was trying to hit him with. “Did you get into a fight with a blow dryer?”

“Get off me, you freak,” I grumbled, rubbing my eyes.

He pouted but didn’t move. “We haven’t seen each other in a month and the first thing you do is call me a freak? That’s not nice.”

“And being nice is breaking my back when I’m trying to sleep?” I yawned. “What are you doing here?”

“You invited us, remember?” he asked, knocking on my head with his knuckles. “And I wanted to let you know that we were here.”

I squinted at him before managing to sit up a bit more to look at the clock. It was 7:45 in the morning. 7 fucking 45!  Groaning, I rubbed my eyes and gathered up enough strength to push Chris off the bed as I rolled over. “Dude, I’ve only gotten five hours of sleep. Why wake me up now? Why not surprise me?” I growled. “Nice dreds,” I added.

“Did you see your face? I surprised you enough,” he replied, rubbing his back. “And thank you. Did you eat yet?” He flinched when I glared at him. “Whoops, sorry about that. Anyway, get your clothes on and come down to breakfast with us. We want to know what you’ve been up to.”

“Let me check my schedule,” I said, reaching into the drawer by my bed and pulling out my schedule book. Who knew that your whole day would practically be filled because of one stinkin’ movie premiere? I took a look at my schedule (written in Liam’s slanted handwriting), it didn’t look too bad:

10:00 AM – Phone interviews with Ben

11:00 AM –Press Conference with Ben
12:00 PM - Lunch Break
1:00 PM – Tour Rehearsal with Fatima
3:30 PM – Break (Photo or Interview Opportunity)

4:30 PM – Hair Appointment
5:30 PM - Dinner Break
6:30 PM – Make up and Dressing/Leave hotel
7:00 PM – Walk Red Carpet
8:00 PM – Movie Premiere
10:45–?  PM – After Party

“Ok, just give me five minutes to wake up,” I yawned again.

“Hey, where’d that accent come from?” He asked, pointing right in between my eyes.

“My mouth,” I replied, pushing his finger out of my face. “You can watch TV or something. I just need to shower real fast,” I told him as I pushed back the covers and swung my feet to the floor. I stretched as much as possible, gathered some clothes from my bag, and went into the bathroom. The warm shower helped me wake up a bit and got me reenergized for the day. 

“Did you drown, Princess?” Chris asked through the door.

“You wish,” I replied over the rushing water, soaping my hair. “Your life wouldn’t be as half as interesting if I weren’t in it, Lucky. How was Orlando?” I used to think it was weird talking to Chris through the bathroom door while I was showering but I’ve gotten used to it.

“Warm and smelled like oranges like always,” he replied. “It stormed a lot so you should be happy that you weren’t there. We missed you though.”

“Really? And it was physically impossible for one of you guys to pick up the phone?” I lifted my eyebrows, more out of natural reaction. I bent forward and smiled at the feeling of warm water trickling through my hair before it fell in a single river towards the bottom of the shower.

“We were busy,” he said lamely.

“So was I but I at least made an effort to talk to you guys. The only one I ever caught was Lance. What, were you guys with your girlfriends all the time or something?” I asked.

“Well, yeah kinda,” he admitted. I was joking; I didn’t think that’d be the actual answer. Ditched without even being there physically. That’s a new one for them. I shook my head, erasing the bad thoughts. ‘Don’t dwell on it, girl. They need to see their loved ones too. It’s not like they ignored you on purpose or anything. Don’t go off over nothing.’

“How’re the girls doing?” I managed to ask, flipping my hair back. It made a light wet-sounding smack when it hit my shoulders before I turned off the water. I reached out past the curtain and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around myself and stepped out onto the plush little carpet.

“Great. They’re glad to be out of New York. They liked being in Orlando where it was actually warm for a while. They hung out with each other more than us, though ‘cause they wanted to get perfect tans for tonight,” he laughed.

“Even Bobbie?” I questioned, quickly wrapping my hair in another towel to dry it faster. I wasn’t in the mood to straighten it. “I mean, she doesn’t really fit with Dani, Danielle, or Kelly.”

“Yeah, well she and JC were together by themselves a lot but that’s Jace for ya. He doesn’t like begin with us until he needs us. He’s a user, you know,” Chris joked. “But not of the drug variety. Uh-uh, Golden-Boy Chasez is a user of people. Most people don’t know that because they’re too captivated by his voice or his eyes. But that’s his plan. He’s not that sweet and shy, he’s a mastermind.”

I was in stitches by the time he was done with his explanation. Man I missed his sense of humor. I forgot how easily Chris could make me laugh. Making sure my hair was dry. I pulled on  a hooded t-shirt and jeans. Then I took a comb to attack at my tangled, now wavy, hair. I really wanted to dye my hair again but Liam suggested I waited until after the premiere. I just didn’t know how much of it I wanted to dye. Maybe I’d just cut it shorter.

 Finally I stepped out of the bathroom, tossing the wet towels into a small hotel hamper in the corner of the room. “Ok, direct me towards the most caffeinated drink they have here and I should be happy and peppy for the rest of the day,” I ordered, searching for my shoes. I found my black converse under my bed and went in search for the other one. I couldn’t find it there so I searched through my suitcase, finally giving up and taking out my red converse. I looked down at my feet, twisted my mouth to the side, and pulled on the other shoe. “Let’s go, I’m starving.”

“You read my mind.”

I grabbed my key card and checked to make sure I had everything I needed before opening the door. Chris stepped out into the hall before me and I closed the door. Right as I turned around I was met with green eyes. “Lance!” I exclaimed happily before jumping into his arms.

“Hey! It’s so good to see you again,” Lance said as he squeezed me tight before holding me at arm length. “Look at you. I love your hair. Something different?”

“Not really. My hair gets really wavy when it’s wet but I wasn’t in the mood to straighten it today,” I replied, grinning.

“Wait, is that a southern accent I hear?” he asked with a twinkle in his eye. “It’s very cute.”

“Thanks,” I beamed. “Where are the others?”

“Don’t know. Said they’d meet us at breakfast.”

“What about J?” I asked hopefully.

Lance laughed. “You know him, he’s knocked out. We can wake him up later. He stayed up late ‘cause he was too excited to get here.”

“And the girls?” I asked as we walked down the hall.

“Sleeping.” I nodded and started bouncing a bit. I couldn’t help it I was too excited for the day to start.  Lance laughed. “You sure are peppy this morning.”

“Hey, I’m in L.A. for the first time in my life, my single is out, I’m going to a movie premiere which I never expected to be my own, I wrote two amazing songs in the past week—if I do say so myself—and I finally love my accent. Why wouldn’t I be happy?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Just making sure. I prefer you smiling instead of scowling. What makes it even better is when I put that smile on your face.”

“I hope you say this stuff to Danielle, er, your Danielle.”

“There’s no point, she knows you’re my secret lover and she’s fine with it as long as there’s no kissing or sex of any shape or form involved. Hugging is fine, but I’m sticking to words to profess my love for you, mah share-ee ah-moore,” he said in a really bad fake French accent.

I cringed. “Remind me to give you a lesson.” He laughed and said that he’d hold me to it. Then he looked at me in a peculiar way, the way dogs do as they tilt their heads. “What?” I finally asked with a laugh.

“Nothing,” he replied shaking his head. “It’s just…I’m glad the sweet version of you is finally back. All that stuff going on made her hide.”

“She was bound to make another appearance sooner or later,” I replied, shoving my hands into my pockets. I heard the faint ding before I saw the elevator and that made me walk faster. Now that I was awake I was starving and I needed to get food inside of myself pronto. “Food, food, food, food,” I sang to myself, jabbing the button of the elevator.

“You’re going to break it if you keep poking that thing,” Lance commented from behind me.

“I wouldn’t have to worry about if the damn elevator would get here faster and stop keeping me from my food!” I replied, still pushing the button, with a bit more vigor with each push. “Come on! I need my sugar, you damn elevator. Don’t you know I didn’t get any sleep?” I yelled at it.

“Hey Shorty, it’s an inanimate object, I’m pretty sure it can’t talk.”

“You’re lucky I’m in a good mood this morning or you would’ve been snacking on those front teeth, Beaver Face,” I said, turning around to grin at JC who walked over to us.

“Hmm, name-calling with a smile. You’re really mastering the art of PMSing,” he shot back with a pleasant smile of his own before opening his arms. I gladly stepped into them and hugged him back. “So, movie star, are you ready for your big debut?”

“I’m fine now, just wait until it gets closer to the time. I’m either going to be so nervous I won’t stop talking or I’m going to be so nervous I’ll clam up,” I replied as the elevator dinged, signaling that it arrived. Finally!

“That’ll be a first,” he quipped.

“Shut it!”

“She hasn’t eaten,” Lance explained quickly as we got into the elevator.

 I grunted and jabbed my thumb at the L button. “So where’s your other half?”

“Sleeping,” JC replied. “We had a long flight.”

“Yeah, the flight was long,” Chris snickered. I smiled and elbowed him in the side. I followed them out of the elevator as soon as it hit the bottom floor. This was one of those times where I was glad they weren’t big in the US yet. Sometimes in Europe, Germany especially, the fans would break into the hotels to try and see them and if we went to the hotel’s restaurant to get something to eat we’d be bombarded. It was great to finally get out of an elevator and not go deaf.

Then it occurred to me that if this CD was successful it could happen to me too. I mean, I wasn’t annoyed by it, not in the slightest. It wasn’t every day that you got the chance to meet a celebrity but I was afraid of the price that I’d have to pay. I liked my privacy and the guys seemed to have less of it since they got into the group.

Maybe I was diving into something that was way over my head. Everyone would know my name, my favorite color, my favorite food. Hell, they’d even know everything about me right down to my favorite Skittle (which are the green ones).

That would be so creepy.

“Hey Superstar!”

I lifted my head (I have a bad habit of looking at my feet when I’m walking). “Joey, hi!” I said happily, rushing over to him and giving him a big hug.

“Mmmmwah!” He said loudly as he kissed me on the cheek.

“Yuck! Joe!” I laughed, rubbing my cheek. “Hey!” I added, hugging the girls that got up from the table, exchanging the usual “I missed you”s and “You look great”s.

“So what have you been up to in the past month?” Joey asked.

“Being carted around from city to city doing press and promo and dancing my butt off,” I replied, spinning the ice cubes that were in my drink. “A few times I lost my voice and was put on voice rest. It was torture. Do you know how hard it is not to talk?”

“I’m betting you don’t,” JC commented with a teasing smile. I chuckled. “How were rehearsals without Fatima? You haven’t rehearsed with her in about a month, right?”

“Was it really a month?” I muttered, leaning back in my chair. Then I thought back. The days blended so much I didn’t even know what day it was let alone what happened about a month ago. “Huh, it has been a month.” Like I haven’t been counting. “Yeah, I start up rehearsals with her again today. Should be very interesting.”

“So you guys aren’t fighting anymore?” Joey asked, hope laced in his voice.

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t talked to them,” I replied leaning back and folding my hands on my stomach.

“It’s not good to stay mad at someone,” Kelly spoke up.

“Who said anything about me being mad at them? I just never had a chance to talk to them. The only thing that we’ve been able to do was leave messages back and forth to each other. Anyway, did you find good dresses for tonight?” I smiled at how easily I changed the subject. Get the girls on the topic of shoes or clothes and the subject would never go back to the previous one. I leaned back and relaxed as I listened to them go over their excitement about tonight. I was excited too but it still hadn’t hit me yet. I guess it was still going to take me a while to grasp the fact that my life was about to change.

“Sorry to interrupt but I gotta head out, but I want to see J first. Which one of you guys is sharing with him this time?” I asked as I stood and stretched.

“I am,” JC replied.

I cocked an eyebrow. “You’re not staying with your girlfriend? Does she snore or something?”

“Yes,” Chris muttered, turning it into a cough when JC glared at him.

“It’s just how rooming arrangements went,” JC explained.

“Ok, then give me the key and I’ll be out of the way.”

“I have to get something from the room so I’ll just go with you.”

“Whatever.” I turned to Joey and Lance. “You two are helping me later. I still don’t have a dress for tonight.”

“You don’t!?” Danielle cried out. “You’re losing valuable time!”

“Don’t you know me? I also do things at the last minute. Approvals, calling people, homework…makes it easier for me,” I said with a wave of my hand. “Can I count on you guys to do my makeup?”

“Of course!” Kelly said before the other girls could even open their mouths. “You’ll look amazing.”

“I don’t doubt it. See you all later. You’re coming to the rehearsal, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it, have fun,” Lance replied.

“I always do,” I said with a grin before walking with JC out of the restaurant and back to the elevator. “Ok, out with it Chasez,” I said as soon as the others were out of the earshot. “I’m perfectly capable of waking up Justin myself and that ‘I have to get something out of my room’ cover is getting old. You only  use it when you want to talk to me about something.”

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. I lifted my eyebrows. It was longer now and it wasn’t in the Cesar cut like before. He gelled it up so it sat like a black square on his head. It fit his facial features well. I didn’t realize it until that moment how much I actually missed him.

The movement of him dropping his hand made me blink and look back down at the floor. I mentally kicked myself, it wasn’t as if I was staring at him but now I was acting like a stupid little kid with a crush. I mean, yeah, even I have to admit that JC is good looking…I guess. But never in a million, trillion years would I ever consider going out with him, or any of the others for that matter.

He suddenly turned to me and blurted out, “What Fatima did didn’t bother you?”

I laughed. “Wow, you guys are still on that? You’re worse than girls. I’m fine, things are fine. It didn’t bother me a bit. Things are running smoothly now and that’s all that matters.”

“But at the cost of your pride?”  He questioned. “It didn’t embarrass you at all?”

“I don’t get embarrassed,” I replied, shrugging, and stepped into the elevator.

“Ever?”

“Never.” I laughed again. “I don’t understand embarrassment, really. I mean, it’s not the end of the world. No one can die of embarrassment. Really, it’s an unneeded emotion.”

“But it didn’t even bother you a little bit?” He pressed.

“The only part that bothered me was that she wouldn’t let us come to a resolution ourselves,” I replied, tapping my fingers to the beat of the elevator music. “She really didn’t have a right to interfere but at the same time I see where she was coming from. If we stayed mad at each other it’d show in our performances and she was trying to avoid that all together. She just should’ve gone a different way around it.”

JC was silent for a few seconds before he finally spoke again. “I just don’t understand why you always give into what other people want.”

I was about to ask him about it but the elevator doors open so I decided to let it go. He walked me to their room and unlocked the door. I was appalled at how messy Justin’s side of the room had gotten in the few short hours they were there. I almost didn’t know that the lump in the bed was him, I was about to mistake him for his clothes. I went over to the side of his bed and lifted the pillow off of his head, laughing at the look on his face as he slept. I then brought the pillow down hard on his head, jolting him awake.

“JC, what the fuck—?” He started, waking up almost instantly. “JC, you shrank,” he commented sleepily, looking at me. “And became more feminine than usual.”

“Hey,” JC said in a warning tone as he crouched over his bag. Justin gave him a cheeky smile.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked ruffling his curly hair.

“Fine up until you attacked me,” he replied, rubbing his eyes before pulling me into a hug and kissing my forehead. “How’ve you been, Babygirl?”

“I can’t complain. I’m doing what I love and having fun with it. I just wish the days were shorter.”

“You’re tellin’ me. So what’s your schedule like for today? Want to walk around Rodeo Drive or something?” He asked as he ran a hand through his hair. “Or we could go to the pier or the beach.”

“I can’t, my day’s jam packed until the premiere tonight,” I sighed.

“You can’t move anything?” He asked, begging me with his eyes. Ha, I wasn’t going to fall for it this time.

“No can do. You can come to my rehearsal though. And if you’re a good little boy I’ll let you be my date tonight,” I replied with a cheeky smile.

He pretended to think it over and I smacked him on the arm. “Of course I’ll come, dummy. You didn’t have to resort to abuse.”

“It’s the only thing that works sometimes. Rehearsals start at one so you can go sightseeing or whatever but you have to buy me something since I’m practically grounded,” I said as I held out my pinkie. “Deal?”

“Deal,” he replied, hooking pinkies with mine and shaking it. Then he grabbed the pillow and hit me with it, so hard that I fell over. “Payback’s a bitch,” he said with a gleeful laugh. Then he added, “And in this case it’s true.”

“You do know you just called yourself a bitch, right?” JC asked, standing and tucking something in his pocket. He laughed at the confused look that was etched onto Justin’s sleepy face. “It’s about time you turned him down for something,” he commented as I headed towards the door.

“Jace, this is the best day of my life. Don’t ruin it,” I said as politely as possible.

“Fine, sorry,” he sighed. “I’ll make sure J stays occupied. Have fun, break a leg, and all that.”

“You’ve been around Justin too long,” I commented as I opened the door. “You’re making it really hard for me to not forgive you.”

“Oh, so you’re not as blind as you look,” he responded, leaving the room after me.

“You know, your face is funnier than your sarcasm.”

~*~*~*~*~

I pulled open the door to the rehearsal space and was met with loud music to my ears. I could feel the beats moving through my body all ready and I couldn’t wait to hit the floor. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and retied the drawstring to the blue shorts I was wearing and laughed when I saw what was going on.

Some of my dancers were playing a game we called Dance Freeze. Basically it was where you danced to a song and when the song stopped you had to hold the pose. If you fell or tripped or moved basically then everyone had to do a stretch that the loser hated to do. For example, if Codie fell we would all have to do Six Inches, or if Bella fell we’d have to do wall sits.

“Really? You guys are playing Dance Freeze without me?” I demanded, pulling my hat down on my head.

“Mini, hey!” Lyric yelled over the music, coming up from the bridge that she was in.

“Aww! Lyr, you moved!” Gabe called from where he was tuning his guitar.

“It doesn’t count,” I said with a wave of my hand before crushing her in a hug. “How long have you guys been here?”

“About as long as you’ve had that cute accent,” Lyric replied. “Where’s it been hiding?” She kept going before I could even answer. “You should use it all of the time, it’s awesome. We haven’t been here long, just flew in a few hours ago. We went to take a look around first. We took a bunch of pictures you have to see. Fatima said she’d be here in about twenty minutes, she had to stop somewhere first. Are you excited for tonight?” She said all in a rush.

“Lyric, R and R!” Codie said with a laugh as she pushed her blond hair out of her eyes. She then walked over to us and lightly hip checked me. “So, when’re we going to have another dye session? My roots are beginning to show again.”

“There’s a good place out here we can go to I think, my aunt suggested it,” I replied. “We can go tomorrow morning. I’m dying to get my hair done again. Did you stretch and everything?” I asked, tossing my bag into the corner and tugging at the black tank top I was wearing.

“That’s what we were doing,” Sevvie explained. “But Liam had said he wanted you to approve four pictures. One of them will be the cover for your CD so he wanted us to get that out of the way first.”

“Ok, let’s do that then stretch a bit more and then do whatever Fatima wants when she gets here.” They agreed and went to the get the pictures as we sat in a circle in the center of the place. We got Gabe to help out too because we wanted a male perspective on which pictures to choose. After fifteen minutes of debating we still hadn’t decided on one. Gabe and I liked the one that was considered an “outtake” where I was just sitting on the curb of a street with the hood of a hoodie up over my head and I was holding onto a CD player as I listened to it. The other one, the one that Codie, Lyric, and Sevvie liked, was of my leaning against a wall with a graffiti version of my name on the wall beside me, my hands shoved in my pockets. The art was cool but I like the simplicity of the first one.

We still didn’t decide which one to use when Fatima finally showed up. It felt weird, seeing her after a month, especially after what went down last month. I mean, we were on the same wavelength as usual but now the air just felt weird. I thought we had put the stupid incident behind us but I guess it wasn’t fully gone. I went through rehearsals of my rocks songs first because my voice was all ready warmed up and I wanted to do the choreography with her to show her some of the changes I had made. The guys had come in partway through the rehearsals and I started to mess up easy steps. Fatima could tell but she wasn’t saying anything and that only made me more frustrated.

“What’s going on, girl? You had this down last I saw you,” Fatima said during a break.

“I don’t know,” I replied pushing my bangs off of my forehead and letting out a breath. “Its nerves I guess.”

“You don’t get nervous.”

“Ah, I’m a better actor than I thought,” I said cracking a smile.

“Do you want me to ask them to leave?” Fatima asked, nodding her head in the guys’ direction.

“No, they’re fine. They’re not getting in my way and I promised J he could watch,” I replied, stretching my arms above my head. “I’ll be fine, just give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”

“Or is it something on your mind?” She asked, lifting her eyebrows. “Something that happened, I don’t know… a month ago?”

Don’t go off…don’t go off…don’t go off… “What is with you people? I’m over it. I’ve moved on. I’ve moved on so much that it doesn’t even compare to a tiny speck of dust!” I cried out, throwing my arms into the air. My voice echoed so much that they all turned to look at me. “What’re you looking at?” I snapped and grabbed my water bottle.

“It still bothers you,” she noted as I furiously tried to unscrew the cap of the bottle.

“No it doesn’t,” I replied, grunting. Finally I yanked it off but sloshed water on my tank top.

“Yes it does.” She took my arm and pulled me into the corner of the room. I could feel the concerned looks of the others’ on my back. “Talk to me, choreographer to choreographer,” she ordered.

I could feel everything that I’ve managed to lock inside seep out and up into my throat, onto my tongue… “You humiliated me,” I muttered, looking at the ground. “Things usually don’t get to me but that…that really got to me. It wasn’t that you made me apologize, that I could deal with, but it was how you made me apologize.”

“I’ll admit it was unconventional but it got the point across,” Fatima responded, gathering her long braids up into a ponytail in her hands and then dropping it over one shoulder.

“What point?” I tried to keep my anger under control but I was a ball of emotions right now that I couldn’t even pick which one to take the lead but anger was the first one out of the gate.

“The one that you knew all along,” she said, rolling her neck and stretching as she talked in a nonchalant way. “That if that ridiculous fight went on any longer it would show in not only your performance but theirs as well. That it would interfere with everything you both have been working on. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why you’re angry and I should have taken care of it in a different way, or backed off altogether, but I work for both of you and I felt like if I could nip it in the bud then everything would just go away. I was wrong and I am sorry.”

“Those two elusive words have never been spoken to me before, so if you don’t mind announcing it to everyone,” I said with a grin.

She slapped my arm. “Girl, get back to work before I beat your ass!”

“You’ll probably do that anyway. Can I have, like, a ten minute break?” She nodded and I went over to the guys and sat down in front of them. “So, what d you think? And be brutally honest. I don’t want any of you lying to protect my feelings and crap.”

“You’re amazing, girl!” Dani (Chris’s Dani) said as she patted my knee. “You do a hell of a lot better than we could do.”

“What I like is that you’re not afraid of smiling,” Danielle (Lance’s Danielle) added. “You always see people with this serious look on their face but you’re smiling and having fun and it shows and I think that’s good.”

“Totally. It makes me want to just…get up and dance with you,” Kelly agreed. “And your songs are so catchy. I really like ‘Naturally’.”

“Yeah, that’s my favorite one,” Lance agreed.

“It’s mine too. That’s the only pop sounding song that I wrote that Max Martin would let me put on there. The others I trusted his feelings. I mean, who’d go against anything he said? Everything he’s touched has turned to gold…literally,” I commented, nudging Joey’s knee with my own.

“Why don’t you try to be a little more feminine?” Bobbie spoke up, using the hand that wasn’t clamped to JC’s like a lobster claw to spin some hair around her finger. “I mean, you’re jumping around the stage and kicking and punching and stuff. You are a girl; why not show that side of you?  I mean, if you’re capable of it.”

“Too easy to get taken advantage of and shoved this way and that,” I replied. “Might as well show people I have a brain in this head.”

“Too bad you don’t usually use it. It’s growing cobwebs,” Justin laughed.

I smiled sweetly. “Kinda like your dick, right?”

“Oooh,” the guys laughed as they punched Justin on the arm whose cheeks tinged red as the girl’s laughed as well.

“I’ll get you back for that, just you wait,” he promised, poking me in the side. “Can I make a suggestion?” He said randomly. I nodded. “You’re coming out of your pirouette too early because you’re turning your head too fast which makes you wobble. Try holding your head in the one position as long as you can and then complete with the rest of it.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that too,” JC spoke up. “You’re taking your eyes away from the point too early. Hold your gaze there as long as possible and you’ll come out of the pirouette better.”

“Your ten minutes are up,” Fatima called.

“Sorry guys,” I apologized before rolling backward and landing on my knees to stand better.

“It’s ok. Your time’s valuable,” Lance said as he stood and pulled Danielle to her feet. “Aside from the premiere you have something to look forward to. Your valentine’s day gift will be in your room once you get back.”

“I was wondering if you guys were holding out on me,” I said as I walked back over to the group.

“Since when’d you become so materialistic?” Joey asked, cocking his eyebrow.

“I’m not, I’m just saying its two days after and I haven’t seen anything gift wrapped or nothin’.”

“Hey, we didn’t get anything from you yet,” Justin pointed out.

“It’s in my bag,” I said nodding towards it. “Take it if you want it so badly but don’t open it here. I want to see your reactions later so I won’t be distracted.”

“You’ll be distracted anyway looking at these hot faces,” Justin joked hugging me and kissing my forehead. “Have fun, see you later.”

“See ya.” I waved them away and turned back to Fatima who was talking to some of the band. “Ok, better get the rest of this rehearsal in before the stress and nerves settle in.”

“Ok boys, kick it off from the beginning!” Fatima ordered as the sirens came in from the speakers.

-------

“Ugggh. I finally get back to my room and now I have to leave again. Never in my life have I wanted to take a nap so badly,” I mumbled as I shuffled down the hall. Sevvie, Lyric, and Codie walked with me to my suite. I didn’t really see why I needed a suite to myself especially since it was so big and I’m tiny but they said it was my day so I just went along with it. (I mean, I didn’t want to seem greedy or anything).

“I know. Isn’t it funny how when you’re younger you want to stay up and when you’re older you just want to sleep?”  Lyric said, yanking off a chunk of twizzler and chewing it. Her lips were practically stained as red as her hair from the amount of candy she’s eaten.

“So now we’re just doing makeup and getting dressed and going?” Sevvie asked, stopping by my door and leaning against the wall.

“Yup and then it’s time to par-tay!” Codie cheered, dancing on the spot.

“Don’t wear yourself out,” I laughed, putting the key in the door and opening it.

“Like that’s possible. She runs on a hyper battery,” Lyric said, bits of twizzler falling out of her mouth. Just then Codie grabbed the last piece of twizzler out of her hand and was chewing it before we even knew what happened. Codie lived off candy and it showed. She could never sit still and her mouth ran like a fountain. She was crazy and funny so much that it was scary to see her when she was serious.

“C’mon! I want to show you my dress!” Sevvie said as she pushed me forward with her shoulder. Lyric and Codie then pressed into her until I literally had my face pushed into the door.

“Get off me, you freaks! I can see my face print in the door!” I tried to yell at them but I was laughing too hard. I finally managed to get the door open and stumbled forward as the other girls fell down in a heap. “Haha, that’s what you get—whoa!” I tripped over my unopened suitcase and fell hard to the ground  (of course). The others burst out laughing and rolled around on the ground until Sevvie started hacking and then coughed up something red.

“What is this?” She asked. I sat up and saw her pinching the now moist object and holding it to her eyelevel. She then looked down. “Oh, hey Mini, look,” she said pointing. I got back to my feet and looked where she was pointing.

“Trail of rose petals, how predictable,” I muttered, getting to my feet. “Ok, let’s see how cliché these guys are,” I said as I walked straight back to one of the bedrooms.

“Don’t! It might be something bad,” Codie suddenly yelled. “It might be a monster.”

I looked at her incredulously. Monsters. Really? “Codie, there are no such thing as monsters.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“What about Lou Pearlman,” Lyric laughed, elbowing Sevvie. “He looks like a monster.”

“He’s big enough to be one too,” Sevvie added, holding her sides.

I would’ve laughed as well if that seemingly innocent comment didn’t freak me out. What if he was on the other side of that door? I couldn’t help but wonder. I let go of the knob and stared at the door. No, don’t freak yourself out. There’s no way he could get into my room. I shook my head, turned the knob, and opened the door, staring at the person who was sitting on my bed.

“Daddy!” I finally yelled rushing over to him and throwing my arms around his neck. “You’re here! You’re really here! I thought you couldn’t come!” I muttered into his chest, squeezing him tight. I didn’t want to let go. I pressed my nose into his shirt and inhaled his familiar scent as tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes. I didn’t know how much I missed him until now.

“There was no way I was going to miss my baby girl’s night,” he said with a laugh, hugging me back. I heard him sniff so I leaned back and looked at his face. He quickly brought a hand to his eyes and wiped them. I grinned. He always tried to be macho and manly around me.

“I’m so glad you’re here. You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had,” I sighed. He laughed and brushed my tears off of my cheeks and I sat down next to him. Then it suddenly dawned on me. “I’m totally glad you’re here but…I thought you weren’t allowed to fly. You could get sick or get an infection or something. There are always sick people on the planes. You know they need to give out face masks as well as those air sick bags. It’d stop the flu from spreading and then people wouldn’t have to worry about their kids getting sick too.”

He looked at me as if I were crazy. “I think you’ve been around Char too long. You’re starting to go off on tangents.”

“No, that means I’ve been around JC too long,” I corrected him. “The guy literally takes ten minutes to get to the point of a story and even then the story isn’t interesting.” Dad laughed long and hard. I think it was his first laugh in a while, at least it was the first time he laughed in a while when I was around.  I couldn’t help but smile.

I missed hearing his laugh. He was either sleeping or hacking up a lung when I was home. He seemed healthier than before. His eyes were brighter and seemed to have put weight back on. “But still, you could’ve gotten a cold or something.”

 “Sweetie, I can’t get sicker than I all ready am,” he pointed out, taking my hands in his and gave them a squeeze. He then grinned and added, “I see that trip to Memphis really stuck with you this time.”

I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest. “No jokes. I lived in Memphis for my whole life. It’s inevitable for my accent to be this thick. Why do you think I stopped using it?”

He smiled and ruffled my hair. “I wish you hadn’t. It’s a part of you.”

“Well, I know that now.” I hugged him again. “I’m so glad you’re here,” I said again.

“I couldn’t have you go through this alone. But I made a deal with your mother. If I came then I’d have to get a nurse to watch me back at home.” He rolled his eyes.

I laughed. “You need a babysitter?”

“A nurse,” he corrected me. “You know me. I can’t stay still for too long and Charlotte wants to make sure I’m actually taken care of. And we can actually afford it with the money you’re pulling in.”

“I’m not some cash cow!” I protested.

He shrugged it off and rubbed my back. “I shouldn’t hold you up. You should be getting ready.”

“So should you. You change in here. The girls and I are going to change in the other room. Don’t do too much; I don’t want you to wear yourself out.”

“You’re truly your mother’s daughter, always worried about nothing. I’m fine.” He stood and kissed my forehead. “Don’t let me get in your way. I’ll be sure to let you know if I need help, which I won’t.”

“You’re so stubborn,” I sighed, leaving the room.

“You got that from me,” he called behind me before I closed the door.

“You guys knew,” I stated, grabbing my suitcase and dragging it into the other bedroom where Sevvie, Codie, and Lyric were doing each other’s makeup. “Didn’t you?”

“Of course. Do you know how hard it was to keep quiet?” Lyric asked, applying eye shadow to her upper lid.

“Apparently it wasn’t hard for you guys to drag me all around the city looking for ridiculous stuff,” I fake growled. I let out a breath of annoyance when I heard another knock on the door. I pulled open the door and quickly moved out of the way as Dani, Danielle, and Kelly trooped in as if they were on a mission. “You guys look great,” I said while closing the door. “What’s in the box?” I asked, noticing the box under Kelly’s arm.

“It was in front of your door,” she replied, shoving it into my arms.

I searched the box for a card or a note of some sort but nothing was there. Shrugging, I pulled off the ribbon and opened the lid. Dani, Danielle, and Kelly all gasped when they saw the dress that was inside. It was all black except for the section around the chest; it was white and had a design like a giant bow. In short, it was awesome. And that’s saying something ‘cause I usually don’t have an opinion on anything dressy and/or girly.

“Aww, you’re going to look so adorable,” Kelly gushed.

I flinched. “Don’t ever use that word to describe me, please,” I muttered. “I wonder who sent it.”

“It doesn’t matter! Get your butt in the room and get changed. The guys are waiting downstairs. Ben said he’s going to meet you down there so you guys can go together,” Danielle said, shoving me into the bedroom where Codie, Sevvie, and Lyric were quickly doing their hair. “Your mom and Mike said they’re going to be here in twenty and they’ll also wait in the lobby. We don’t have much time and we have a lot of work to do,” she finished, pushing me into a chair and putting her hands on my head.

“Are you insinuating something?” I asked, glaring at her through the mirror.

“Yup, you’re going to put up a hell of a fight and we don’t have time for it,” Dani said as she snapped an eyelash curler in my face. And as they started doing my makeup weight started to press down on my chest, my heart sped up, and adrenaline started pumping through my veins.

Oh, it’s going to be a long night.

“Are you ready to be blinded?” Ben asked as he wiped his palms on his pants as the limo started to slow down. I turned away from the window which I was staring out of for the past twenty minutes and turned to look at him. “There’s going to be a lot of paparazzi. So much that the flash is so bright and constant you’d think that you got hit in the balls.” I cracked a smile and he sighed, obviously upset that I didn’t laugh at his joke. “Are you nervous or scared?”

“Excited,” I replied.

“Yet your tone is suggesting otherwise,” he pointed out.

“It’s just…so much is happening at once I just want to run back home and hide under the covers,” I replied loud enough for him to hear me but quiet enough so the others wouldn’t. Not that they could with the loud music that was bumping through the car and how loud they had to talk to each other to be heard. “I just…I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t like attention yet I’m going after it.”

“Do you want to do this?” He asked. “You could always stop but it would be hard and you’d regret it. I mean, you have so much potential.”

“Acting is fun and I like to sing,” I admitted, trying really hard to resist the urge to bite my painted fingernails. “I just…wish it was going slower, I guess. I mean, I haven’t had time to fully enjoy the process of anything since it’s been pushed and crammed into a short period of time.”

“Let me ask you a question: who are you doing this for?” Ben asked after a couple of seconds of silence.

“What do you mean? I’m doing this for myself, obviously.”

“Wellllll,” he held out the word as he looked at the ceiling. “Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like you’re doing this for your family, your friends, everyone but yourself. The most important thing about being in this business is knowing what keeps you going and that should be your love for the craft not the feeling that you should do it to make someone else happy.”

“I mean, my mom got me into it,” I said slowly, tugging at my hair and then quickly dropping my hand back into my lap. “The funny thing was that I didn’t like to act when my mom wanted me to. After she backed off it was as if I saw it in a different way.” I paused and let words tumble in my mind. As long as people didn’t pressure me I loved doing what I did. As long as people didn’t pressure me I loved acting, singing, and dancing. The guys constantly say that Justin pushes me around. Does he pressure me or do I just let him get away with having things his way? Do I do that with everyone?

“We’re here, are you ready?” Ben asked, adjusting the red boutonniere that was on the lapel of his jacket. I was wearing a matching one pinned to the giant bow on my dress. “Don’t be nervous. I’ll be right by your side the entire time.”

“What if they ask a question I can’t answer?” I asked, pulling my shoes back on. I had this thing where I hated wearing shoes in a car. I don’t know why but I just hated it.

“I’ll change the subject or we’ll just walk away. Simple as that. Remember, you don’t ever have to answer a question you’re not comfortable answering.” I nodded and gave him a smile. He turned his attention to the door that was opened by the chauffer. He stepped out and took my hand, helping me out of the car. I waved to the others and told them that I’d meet them inside. They got to go straight to their seats while Ben and I had to talk to the press and take pictures.

I then started to tug and pull at my dress as I took a couple of deep breaths to calm my racing heart. As Ben and I walked closer to the red carpet the noise of the photographers and interviewers swept me up in a whirlwind and I wasn’t even able to hear my own thoughts.

“Ben, Ben! Look over here!”

“You two, look this way!”

“Ben, Mackenzie, look over here.”

“This way, this way!”

“Look up!”

“Which way are we supposed to look? My head only moves so much,” I said through a frozen smile as I tried to get my sight back from the flashing lights.

“We’ll get everyone, don’t worry, you’re doing great,” Ben said through a frozen smile as well. I laughed a little and turned here and there when asked and felt completely stupid, I gotta say. I felt like those models on a runway that push their hip this way and that and have a pout on their lips as if they were mad at the world (they should be, I mean I doubt most of them eat judging by how small they were).

After taking a few more pictures (more like a thousand judging how long it took for my eyes to readjust) we went onto answering some questions that interviewers were throwing out at us. Most of them were directed towards Ben, which was fine and dandy with me. My mind was still reeling from the photos that I probably wouldn’t have been able to answer a question in a coherent manner. I felt bad for some of the interviewers because it was obvious that some of them were trying so hard to out-do the others and ask cleverer questions.

“So what is the film about?” The interviewer asked.

“The movie is about a guy named Brady who is in his mid to late thirties who still loves the single life. He still likes to go to bars and have fun; he isn’t ready to settle down. But then one day he finds his daughter, Maggie, in his house and it was the daughter he didn’t know he had from a relationship in his early years of college. So while trying to dodge taking responsibility for her he tries to live his normal life but he realizes he can’t go back to it and he tries to locate his suddenly missing ex to try and fix everything,” Ben replied.

“Also, Maggie and Ben have to learn to live with each other which makes them go through many trials and tribulations since he’s never had to deal with children and suddenly he has to deal with his teenage daughter,” I added.

“Great and what was your favorite part about working together?” The interviewer asked.

“The best part, for me, was working with her,” Ben replied over the noise of the crowd. “Sure, she’s new to the whole thing but she wasn’t afraid to dive right in and ask questions and go over the top and have fun with the experience. We had long days, sixteen hour days, and no matter how late it was she always seemed to have a smile on her face and a great attitude that made the whole experience great for me.”

“Careful, you’re making my head swell,” I said with a little laugh. “My favorite part was…being able to go to him with anything. Like, I had a question about a scene, or how to work something out, or if it was just wanting advice about my personal life I knew I could talk to him about it. We really bonded on that set, putting us as the father and the daughter in the movie was a great move because I feel the bond we had off screen can easily be seen on-screen and the viewers will know that…it’s more real than fake, so to speak.”

 “Most importantly, why should people see Father and Daughter? What about the film makes it stand out against the others?” An interviewer asked, practically shoving his microphone up my right nostril. I had a better idea of where to shove it…

“People should see this movie because it’s a great movie that could inspire families to talk about situations that teenagers have been in or could be in. It’s a great movie for kids to see to help them be able to talk about their parents’ divorce if they had to go through that. It could prompt parents to talk relationships, drinking, dating, and growing up. This movie not only a dramatic but it’s great for a family to see together,” I replied, making sure not to fidget my hands to scratch at something or to pull at my hair (I have the weirdest nervous habits).

We did interviews for a few more people and then were whisked inside, meeting up with the director who showed us to our seats. Ben sat next to his girlfriend, Gwyneth Paltrow (who looked amazing with her short bob) and I sat next to my daddy who kissed the back of my hand and smiled at me in that special way dads know how to do. On the other side of him were Mike and Mom and the row behind us sat the guys and their girls.

As excited as I was to be there it suddenly became very aware to me how weird it felt being the only one there without a date. Technically Justin was my date but seeing everyone else being all lovey-dovey and couple-y got to me. I never really cared before but I’m almost seventeen all ready! Where’s my damn boyfriend?

I let out the breath I didn’t know that I was holding and slumped in my seat slightly as the director talked about the movie a bit more and the lights finally dimmed. It sucked that they didn’t allow food in. Now, why we couldn’t have anything to drink or eat was beyond me. Did people in Hollywood really eat less than the rest of us or is it because they didn’t want to be caught by the paparazzi with a nacho cheese stain on their dress? Some people’s priorities are as twisted as a pretzel.

As the movie went on the smile on my face got bigger every time the audience laughed at a joke or Dad squeezed my hand in a silent way of congratulating my acting. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and sighed when I noticed the way his cheek bones stood out against the bright cinema light. He had looked better earlier but now he looked…old and so tired and so weak. I wished that I could just take the cancer out of him myself; I hated what it was doing to him.

I looked over at Ben who had nudged me and lowered an eyebrow at the weird smile that was on his face. He nodded towards the screen. I turned and laughed little, recognizing the scene instantly. It was the scene where Maggie needed Brady to take her to the store to get female products.

Brady, being really uncomfortable with the situation, tried to make light of it by joking if she needed the super size loud enough for most of the shoppers to hear. In retaliation Maggie grabbed a box of sized small condoms when he wasn’t looking, slightly damaged the bar code so the cashier would have to ask for a price check with the other cashiers on hand.

The movie finally ended with a still shot of Brady and Maggie laughing at the dinner table, which faded to black and then had credits rolling over it. I let out a long sight of relief and then was hit with the reality that that part of my life was over. Sure, there was a chance that I could do another movie but you couldn’t redo your first one and I wished I could do it all over again.

Ben and I lightly nudged each other when our names rolled on screen and I heard my mom let out a soft “aww” when she saw the name I had chosen for my “stage name”. I knew I would forever have to deal with misspellings and mispronunciation of my name if I went with Desrosiers so I chose my “stage name” as Mackenzie Charlotte, it flowed and it was a way of thanking my mom for putting up with me.

We stood and bowed to the applause and then (slowly) made our way to the lobby where we were congratulated and praised on our work. I thanked everyone and made sure to keep a smile on my face when really all I wanted to do was go back to the hotel room, change into my pjs, and eat ice cream until my teeth rot.

“Mack, you were awesome!” Justin said while hugging me tight. “I loved every minute of it.”

“You’re supposed to say that,” I said as I managed to get myself out of his grip.

“Don’t be so modest! You were great!” Justin said as he punched me on the arm. “Oscar worthy even.”

“Don’t get carried away,” I said with an eye roll and then changed the subject. “The movie’s over. We should be getting ready for the party. I don’t know about you but I plan on stuffing my face with so much junk I puke all day tomorrow.”

“Now that’s what I like to hear! Let’s hit it.”

“I’ll meet you there, I have to get massive amounts of hugs from my mom and dad first,” I said as I shoved him a bit. “Tell the girls to meet me in my hotel room.” I turned and made my way through the crowd to reach my mom and dad who were standing with Mike by the promotional poster.

“So, what’d you think?” I asked, bouncing over to them.

“I think you were the bomb,” Dad replied with his lopsided smile.

“You were amazing, sweetie,” Mom said while hugging me tight and made a light tsking sound with her tongue. “My little baby’s growing up.”

“Mom!” I hissed, looking around to make sure no one heard her. “Please, not in public!”

“Oh, look at that Philippe, our daughter’s suddenly embarrassed by us,” Mom said in amusement as Dad laughed a little.

“I fail to find the humor,” I grumbled. “Did you really like it? I mean there was that one scene where I didn’t think my tears were convincing and I mumbled a lot and some of the movements didn’t make sense with the character’s motives and—“

“And you need to stop being so hard on yourself, Kid,” Mike interrupted me with a laugh. “You were great. Amazing. Radical even. Stop picking yourself to pieces.”

“It’s the curse of a Virgo,” I said with a shrug. “We’re our own worst enemies.”

“Go on and go to your party, we’ll meet you there,” Dad said, turning me by my shoulders and pushing me away.

Time to party!

~*~*~*~*~

“Girl, hurry up! I can hear the party from here!” Kelly yelled from the other side of the bathroom door.

“Just one more second!” I called back, tilting my head to straighten my hair at a better angle. Walking out in the L.A. humidity with wavy hair eventually made me look like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket. I put the flatiron down and looked at my outfit from every angle: a white t-shirt with Mickey Mouse in the middle, dark jeans, purple converses, and my mom’s old red headband from the 80s. “Ok, let’s go,” I said walking out of the bathroom.

“You’re going to your party dressed like that?” Dani questioned.

“Yeah. It’s a party, Dan. There was no way I was going to wear that dress to the party,” I said as I dropped on the floor and retied my shoe laces again. “Liam is using this premier after-party as a single release party as well. Don’t worry, he talked with the officials and they’re fine with it. Anyway, he said he wants me to perform some stuff, give the audience an idea of what I sound like and to make sure I’m not fake and there is no way in this freakin’ world I was going to jump around that stage in a dress.”

“Just askin’,” she said as she held up her hands.

Danielle closed her phone. “That was Lance. They’re all ready at the party and everyone’s waiting for your grand entrance. They said they want you and Ben to walk in together.” She then walked over to the door and paused when she looked down at the ground. “Hmm, you’re really popular today,” she commented, carrying a bouquet of white roses into the room.

I blushed when I saw the flowers. Really, the attention was starting to get to me. I knew I was asking for it when I decided to go along with this but could people talk about something else for a change? Like Ben’s next movie or something. I wasn’t even going to be in the country for the next couple of months so they didn’t really need to know what I was doing.

I took them from her and looked at the flowers, slightly confused. The flowers were my favorite, but not many people knew that. Hell, Justin didn’t even know that white roses were my favorite. I put them down on my bedside table and pulled out a card which simply read: Good luck tonight and have fun!

“No name?” Kelly asked, looking at my face.  I shook my head. “Maybe you have a secret admirer.”

“Or a stalker,” Codie said offhandedly.

“Well…if he’s good looking…” I muttered, tapping my chin. Kelly gaped at me and I laughed. “Don’t worry, if I ever got a stalker my foot would be up his ass in less than three seconds.”

“That would be counterproductive if it turned him on…” Dani commented off handedly.

“Ew.” I made a face and put the card down. “Ok, let’s roll.”

As we got into the car I could suddenly feel all of the Cokes I drank surging energy through my system. I could barely sit in my seat, which egged on Lyric’s hyper-activity. I was practically bouncing off of the walls by the time we pulled up at the hall that would hold the party.

Ben laughed when he noticed how hyper it was and said that it was good that I was running on sugar ‘cause I would need the energy. We took a lot of pictures and then went into the party which was rockin’. The room that we were using was like one of those large ballrooms. The lights near the back of the room were up all the way so people could talk and eat but the lights on the other end were dimmed, almost completely dark so people could dance with strobe lights and a disco ball.

“Wooooow. This place is off the hook,” Sevvie commented, taking a look around the room. “Ooh! Chocolate fountain!”

“Everybody, get out of my way,” Lyric laughed, racing with Sevvie over to the dessert table.

I laughed at their enthusiasm and went with the girls to a table where they put down their things to mark their places. I looked around and spotted my mom and dad and rushed over to them. “So, you crazy kids had enough of the racket yet?” I asked with a laugh. Dad swatted at my arm.

“Who do you think we are? Senior citizens?” Dad asked.

“You’re pushin’ forty,” I pointed out, dropping in a chair next to Mom who gasped.

“Forty’s not old!”

“Depends on who you’re asking.” I playfully poked her in the cheek. “Soooo?” I held out. They looked at each other. “You’re not going to give me some big spiel about rules while on tour? No smoking? Drinking? Drugs? All that stuff?”

“You’ve had a good head on your shoulders for the first sixteen years of your life,” Dad explained. “It might’ve been backwards sometimes”—I smacked him on the arm—“but you always knew what you were doing. Now, if you want us to send Aunt Abbey with you—“

“No!” I practically yelled. “Don’t get me wrong, Abbey’s great as hairstylist and a great aunt but if she were my chaperone…let’s just say she’d chase off every boy in a five mile radius.”

“Good,” Dad said sternly.

“Of all the years to be worried about me and boys why do you pick this one? You didn’t care before,” I pointed out, half amused and half surprised. Even Mom looked surprised. Never before has he voiced his opinions whenever I talked about someone of the opposite sex.

“You weren’t shoved into the eye of millions of boys on the planet before,” he shot back.

“Waddya mean millions?”

 Before Dad could answer my vision was blinded by a bunch of long, and golden curls and my senses were attacked by sweet smelling perfume, which could only mean that it was Lynn.

“I’m so proud of you, baby girl!” Lynn said happily, wiping at her eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” she muttered, air-fanning her face.

“Happiness,” Mom replied.

I felt a half smile take over my face and realized how many people seemed to be hovering around my table as if waiting to say something to me. I watched them all like a hawk. I could feel my skin start to prickle. You know that feeling when you’re being watched. Intensify that and then you got me. I was ready to jump out of my seat. If Mamaw were here she’d say I was jumpier than a jackrabbit in a snake pit.

Picture after picture. Chatter after chatter. I don’t mean to sound rude or anything (especially since people went to great lengths for this whole thing) but I would like some time to myself to actually breathe and think!

“There you are!” Justin said as he suddenly appeared by my side. “C’mon! Come dance with me!”

Thank God!

Justin eagerly pulled me onto the dance floor which was filled with men and women of all ages dancing to a swing song from the 50s blasted over the system. I guess they asked around to make sure they played the music I liked. It felt weird, everyone trying to please me. It wasn’t like I was going to turn into the Hulk if I didn’t get my way. I laughed when Justin spun me around before clasping both of my hands and did his best to keep up with the beat and the pace of the song. Justin has always been a smooth dancer but for once he actually looked out of his element. It was a refreshing sight.

As Justin spun me around again I looked around the room, laughing when I saw that Dani and Chris were swinging each other around and dancing crazily, not noticing the odd looks they were getting from the others on the dance floor. Lance was doing his best with the song but it was obvious that it wasn’t his cup of tea. But he had a big smile on his face as he danced with Danielle so that made up for it. Joey and Kelly were talking to some people by the DJ table and JC and Bobbie were nowhere to be found.

“Wait, wait!” I cried out, suddenly noticing what Justin was about to do. “Don’t dip me! Don’t!” Justin had an evil gleam in his eye, pulled me towards him, and the next thing I knew my world was flipped upside-down. “Oh God!” I grumbled when I my stomach turning. My head snapped forward as he brought me back up and laughed as he let me go. I stumbled slightly and held my stomach. “Ugh, don’t do that again.”

“For a dancer you’re such a wuss,” he kidded over the loud music, elbowing me in the side. I bumped my hip against his and knocked him away as another familiar song came on.

Jitterbug, Jitterbug…

I laughed again when Justin swung his hips in an Elvis-like manner with each jitterbug that pierced the air. He grabbed my hands and we started dancing again. He sang along with the song as we danced and moved around the room and through the crowds.

“You put the boom-boom into my heart/You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
Jitterbug into my brain…” Justin sang easily.

“Yeah yeah,” I sang and then jumped in with him on the next part, our voices being lost in the song.

“Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same/But something's bugging you/Something ain't right/My best friend told me what you did last night/Left me sleepin' in my bed/I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead…”

The colors around the room blended and swirled. My heartbeat matched the rhythm of the song. A big smile split across my face as did Justin’s. I missed having this much fun together and now it was going to be cut short as we went our separate ways…

“I wanna hit that hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!” Justin screeched before the song started to fade out. I slapped his arm and hugged him. “Hey, I gotta do something but I’ll be back in time for your big show, okay?” He told me, straining to be heard over the music.

I nodded and then went in search for someone to talk to. Before I even moved ten spaces I was grabbed at my elbow and yanked back onto the dance floor. “Wha…Joey! Give a girl some warning next time!” I commented while we moved in line to join everyone else to dance to the “Electric Slide”.

“Sorry, I gotta grab ya before your big debut,” he replied as we shuffled to the right. “I would’ve preferred a slow song but this one is good as well.”

I rolled my eyes and cross-stepped to the left before clapping with everyone and stepping backwards. “You could’ve asked.”

“With that vice grip J had on you, he wouldn’t have let anyone cut in,” Joey responded as we rocked forward and touched the ground twice before doing a kicking side step. “See, I can see his finger marks on your wrists.”

“Haha.” I rolled my eyes again even though he couldn’t see it. “Those jokes are getting old. And speaking of jokes, where’s Jace?” With another kicking-turn we now faced the back of the room where Chris was stuffing what looked like pretzel rods under his top lip.

“Getting harsh with the teasing, there.”

“Not my fault if he can’t hack it.”

“He disappeared somewhere with his mystery lady.”

“Ah, so it wasn’t just me who thought she was odd.”

“Nope, Chris thought so too, and that’s saying something.”

I nodded and looked around the room, grinning when I saw my mom and dad dancing to the song as well. Mike was sitting down in a chair, watching them, his eyes shining. “So what do we really know about her?”

“She works for a magazine and is dating JC, that’s basically all we know,” Joey responded.

“Hmm. JC’s not one to date someone as secretive as he is. It takes the fun out of poking fun at him.”

“For someone you claim to hate you sure give him a lot of attention.”

I turned my head to notice a sly smile on his lips. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, it’s just an observation.”

“Uh huh.”

“So, are you ready for your big show?”

“As ready as I’ll ever get.”

“You’ll do great standing there on that big stage, the single spotlight falling on you, and showcasing your talent to the world.”

My lip twitched slightly at his words. It just hit me that I’d be up on that stage.

Alone.

By myself.

Alone…

I was jostled by the dancer next to me when I didn’t move in time to the song. I quickly apologized to Joey and gave some lame excuse of needing to meet with my band before rushing off. I was close to getting to the doors to my escape when I felt a hand clamp on my shoulder. “Liam! Now’s not the time!” I commented once I realized it was him.

“Now don’t embarrass me. We have the people from JIVE in the house as well as some…er…test subjects if you will. Some people we brought in specifically to see if you’ll be a winner or a flop.”

“A flop!?” I repeated.

Liam shrugged as he whipped out his PalmPilot and jabbed at the screen with the little sick. “You never know, kids these days. Fickle minds, ya know.”

“You’re the one who’s all ready planning on me getting into the studio again,” I pointed out. “You must have some faith in me.”

“Oh, I do. But you have to listen to the kids’ demands, right?” He responded, his attention obviously not on the conversation. “Oh, and good luck,” he added with what was supposed to be a reassuring smile before walking away.

And there go the butterflies.

“Are you ok?” Lance said as he put a hand on my shoulder. “You look sick.”

“No, I just—“

I jumped and clapped my hands over my ears when a loud squeal went through the sound system. A wave of murmurs went through the crowd and I looked up to see Justin tapping the microphone. Oh boy. “Sorry about that,” he quickly apologized, his voice causing all other conversations to stop. “Hi. For those of you who don’t know I’m Justin, the best friend to our star here. Well, one of them…the young one…”

“Oh mon dieu,” I grumbled, shaking my head.

Justin grinned and cleared his throat. “Anyway, growing up with Mack, or Mackie as I used to call her, was a treat in its own. I got to see her go from a small, shy girl with big ears—“ I glared at him and he merely smirked in response—“grow up to a small girl with a big heart and take on any challenge that was put in front of her. Hell, I remember her chasing Trace and I around the yard mad that we wouldn’t let her play with us. But, like now, whenever she puts her mind to something she found a way to do it.

“I got to see her achieve her dream of being on a champion dance team, get blue ribbons in a few horse shows, and eventually become a choreographer having to deal with a bunch of annoying guys like us.” He paused to laugh and the audience tittered. Lance nudged me and gave me a big smile which I half-heartedly returned. “Going from a dancer, to a movie star, and now a recording artist simply proves that she can do anything she sets her mind to and I’m proud to call her my best friend. I’ll always be behind her to support her many endeavors and I’ll always be her number one fan. So here’s to you, Mack. Now come up here and show us all what you’re made of.”

“Huh?” I mumbled when Lance elbowed me. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as applause filled the air. Liam was motioning for me to take the stage. Ben lifted his glass as if toasting me and grinned. Proud smiles formed on Dad’s and Mom’s faces. And all I wanted to do was run.

The next thing I knew I was being yanked through the crowd and to the side of the stage by Lyric who was practically shaking by how much sugar she ate. Gabe, Sevvie, and Codie were all ready waiting by the side of the sage once Lyric got me there. We grasped each other’s hands and Gabe quickly murmured a prayer but  I didn’t hear it. A strange buzzing filled my ears. Or was it my rapidly beating heart?

They took the stage and got their instruments ready while Justin jumped off it. Liam appeared out of nowhere, shoved a microphone in my hands, and basically told me not to blow it. I could hear the band start the intro of the song but it was muted compared to the sounds going off in my head.

“Mack? What’s wrong?” Gabe’s lips moved but I couldn’t hear him.

I could see the looks on Gabe’s, Lyric’s, Codie’s, and Sevvie’s faces as they stopped playing their instruments. I could hear the murmur of the crowd as if it were white static in my ears. I knew I had to go but my feet wouldn’t move. I couldn’t move.

“I…I can’t do it…” I whispered.

Who knew that in five seconds the strongest person in the world could be reduced to a blubbering mess?

“Mack, c’mon,” Gabe said with pleading eyes

I backed away and shook my head. My knuckles started turning white from holding onto the microphone so hard.

“Now’s not the time to get stage fright,” Codie yelled at me. “Get your ass over here!”

I shook my head again. Why wouldn’t my mouth work? Why wouldn’t my legs work? Hell, why wouldn’t my brain work?

“What’s going on?” Liam demanded. His face was as red as a tomato. I would’ve laughed if I didn’t feel like puking.

“She’s frozen,” Lyric replied, jumping off the stage and rushing over to the little corner that I was crowded in. She swung her arm over my shoulders and narrowly missed nailing me with her bass guitar.

“Hey, kid, what’s with the nerves?” Liam asked, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. “C’mon kid, you can’t do this to me. I have a packed room out there.”

“Liam! Give her a break!” Gabe snapped, shifting his guitar so it was out of the way. “She’s under a lot of pressure and you’re not helping her.” Thank you Gabe, you’re my favorite person right now. “Hey, kid, look at me.” He pushed Lyric’s arm off of my shoulder so he could turn me into his side. “What’s goin’ on? You had this down pat during rehearsals.”

I shrugged and let out a sigh. “Too many people,” I muttered.

“Too many people?” Lyric repeated. “Girl, you’ve danced how long? What does it matter how many people are out there? You never see half of ‘em anyway with the lights going nuts.”

“Red has a point,” Sevvie agreed, jumping down the small flight of stairs and shoving her drumsticks into her back pocket. “What’s really going on in that complex brain?”

“Am I that easy a read?” I asked, feeling a smile tug on my lips.

“As a children’s book,” Gabe replied. “Now out with it, Charlie.”

“Never should'a told you my middle name,” I sighed. With the way they were looking at me I knew there was no way out of this. “It’s just…I just realized what this meant.” I motioned towards the stage. “Doing this, I mean.”

“What do you mean?” Codie asked.

“I’m used to doing things behind the scenes,” I started. “I’m used to…presenting someone with something and they take it and shape it into their own thing. I’d get the credit but my face wouldn’t be attached. But now…my face will be out there. Everything will change. And…I’m doing this by myself. I don’t have anyone helping me. I’m doing this alone…and that scares me. I’ve always had someone else helping me but now…it’s just me out there.”

“Do you think that’s the problem?” Gabe asked.

“What?”

“Feeling like the only way you can do something is when someone else holds your hand.”

“I don’t do it on purpose—“

“Chill, Charlie. I’m just saying it’s something you need to be aware of. Now, I didn’t suffer through months with you girls for you to go out like this.”

Codie slapped him on the arm. “Suffer,” she scoffed. “Being surrounded by four beautiful ladies day in and day out would be a dream.”

Gabe smirked which seemed to ruffle Codie’s feather’s ‘cause she slapped him on the arm again. “All I’m saying is we wouldn’t have gone through this if we were going to leave you high and dry on that stage. Your name may be out there but we’re going through it with you. You are not standing on that stage by yourself, we’re there too. We’re nervous too.”

“Yeah, listen to Papa Gabe,” Lyric said, lightly hip-checking Gabe who snorted at the name. “So no more tears?”

“I’m not crying,” I grumbled, quickly bringing my hand up to check my eyes. “I’m just—“

“Frustwated that you had to expwess your feewings?” Sevvie asked, sticking out her bottom lip. “You’re such a Virgo.”

“Hey, don’t diss my sign!” I said with a snap for emphasis.

“Hey, are you all right?” Justin asked, tapping me on the arm. I nodded and he took my hands, giving them a squeeze. “Don’t worry about the people out there, ok? Worry about doing your best and having fun. That’s all that matters.” He then gave me a hug.

“Awww,” the girls chorused.

“Oh shut up,” I mumbled feeling Justin press a kiss to the side of my head. “Liam, do you mind giving us three more minutes?” I asked, clasping my hands together.

“Just three,” he warned me before rushing off.

“Good, that gives us time to fix your makeup,” Lyric cheered, grabbed my wrist, and tugged me down the hall. She dragged me into the bathroom and quickly put eyeliner and purple eye shadow over my eyes. (“Crazy bright makeup works well under those bright lights,” she explained). Then we got together and quickly said a prayer as Liam helped me get hooked up to the sound system and I put in my in-ears. We were going to start with the dancing stuff first and end it with the more rock oriented songs. Liam decided to do a switch at the last minute and it was the first time I was glad he made a decision before telling me.

“You ready?” Gabe asked, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

I nodded and adjusted my headset. “Let’s rock!”

Gabe grinned and rushed to find the sound system to start the music. Since we were dancing and we didn’t have the full band I needed to go off of a CD but I was going to be singing on top of it. I felt my fingers twitch as Lyric jumped up and down by my side and Codie let out deep breaths. As we took the stage to applause only one thought crossed my mind:

Has anyone ever died onstage of excitement?

 “And I’ll wave goodbye/watching you shine bright./And I’ll wave goodbye…tonight…Thank you,” I said into the microphone as applause reached my ears. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I could feel sweat slide down my forehead and my heart was racing from moving around the stage.

The show was going great. The first song, “Liberty Walk”, went off without a hitch. We even nailed the little breakdown with the jump-ropes and the rest of the song, which was filled with robotic movements and moves that would put a step-show to shame, was a great kick-off. We merged to “Round and Round” then “Naturally” and then ended with a cover of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. From there we transferred to my rock songs and we performed “All We Know”, “Here We Go Again”, “Brighter”, “Emergency”, an acoustic cover of Loretta Lynn’s “You Ain't Woman Enough”, Bryan Adams' “Summer of ‘69” and Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On a Prayer”.

At first I hoped the show would go by quickly but now I wished I could live in this moment forever. I loved looking out in the audience and seeing my friends and family dancing and moving and watching intently. Seeing the proud smile on Ben’s face every now and then made it even better.

 “Thank you so much everyone,” I said as I tried to catch my breath. “Well we’ve got…” I looked down at the set list that was taped to the stage. Thank you, Liam. “Two more songs for you guys…” I chuckled when I heard Chris’s and Joey’s over exaggerated groans. “Yeah, I know it’s a crying shame. Anyway, this next song is a faster song, and I’m saving the best for last, so this one is called ‘For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic’.”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth Sevvie hit the symbols to count in the song and we were at it again, bouncing around the stage, head banging, and giving it everything we had while I kept a strong grip on my blue microphone. (It started out as a normal black one but I have a “bad habit” of swinging it by its chord. Long story short it went flying and since then Liam had me tape the whole thing and some of the cord in blue electrical tape to make sure it didn’t hit an innocent bystander).

Just talk yourself up
And tear yourself down
You've hit your one wall
Now find a way around
Well what's the problem?
You've got a lot of nerve

So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
You wouldn't

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away
You threw it away

I couldn’t stop the smile that stretched across my face as we moved through the song. They were hitting their notes hard and giving it everything they’ve got. Sevvie was killing it on the drums if anyone thought girls couldn’t play they’d definitely get a wakeup call from her. I was on such a high it didn’t even bug me much that Dad was moving around snapping pictures like crazy while Mike had a video camera glued to his eye.

I'm not so naive
My sorry eyes can see
The way you fight shy
Of almost everything
Well, if you give up
You'll get what you deserve

So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
You wouldn't

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away
You threw it away

You were finished long before
We had even seen the start
Why don't you stand up, be a man about it
Fight with your bare hands about it now

I grimaced and did my best to hide it as we went through the rest of the song. My favorite part and my voice had to crack terribly. I glanced at Liam and he was giving me a thumbs up and smiling a shit-eating smile. Well, ok then!

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay, well did you?
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
And I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away

With the last note that Lyric played we all bowed. I could feel my bones buzzing with every bit of energy I soaked in from the crowd. “Ok everyone; this is the last song of the night. I love you, we love you, thanks for coming out and spending the night with not only me, but with Ben. I’m Mackenzie Charlotte, goodnight,” I said and we went straight into “Pressure”.

It seemed like we all had a new burst of energy with the last song because we gave it everything we had left. I even danced around stage from time to time I was so giddy and into it. Lyric and Codie jumped off of the little monitors on the stage and spun around, managing to avoid each other.

“Some things I’ll never know/and I had to let them go,” I sung, doubled over and rested my arm on my knee, half to get my breath back and half so I didn’t have to look at the dang red light that was blinding me on Mike’s video camera. I continued singing the bridge and straightened up, managing to get in a few words to direct everyone’s attention to Lyric who pulled off a tough flip as we kicked back into the last chorus. “I can feel the pressure/it’s getting closer now/we’re better off without you…” As I sang the chorus I moved over to the side of the stage. As it lead up to the word ‘you’ I put my free hand to my forehead and moved my head as if I were looking for something and pointed right as Lyric took a running leap and rolled over Gabe’s back while they continued to play.

And just like that my time on the stage was over.

I couldn’t wait to do it again.

 “No, no, no! I totally messed up on the bridge ‘Emergency’!” Lyric wailed, tears falling down her cheeks from laughing so hard. “And I was practically frozen thinking ‘tell me no one can hear that’!”

“I screwed up on ‘You Ain't Woman Enough’,” Gabe groaned, spinning the little umbrella that was in his lemonade. “I got finger-tied before the rest of the verse finished. I swore you were going to kill me, Charlie.”

“She would’ve killed you with that drumstick I dropped,” Sevvie sighed.

“I almost broke my neck ‘cause of you!” I said, slapping her knee.

“I know! And the entire time I’m thinking should I get it? I don’t want her to fall. Yes I do, that’ll be funny!” Codie added.

We sat around a circular table recounting our adventure of the night, finally getting peace. As soon as we jumped off of the stage we were surrounded by people congratulating us and giving us hugs and their praise. It practically took the jaws of life to get my guys to let me out of their group hug. And don’t get me started on my mom. I almost drowned from the tears she cried.

The girls gave me a lot of praise. Even Bobbie had something nice to say which practically floored me and the guys all had relatively nice things to say. JC’s and Justin’s comments were sprinkled with criticism, which didn’t surprise me at all. Now the boys and their girls were off somewhere doing…coupley…things. I mean, I get that they wanted to spend time with their girlfriends (aside from Juppy) but they had all tomorrow to do that, didn’t they? Is it a crime to want some of their attention? Lord knows I give ‘em a lot of mine.

 I pushed down my sudden feeling of annoyance with a large gulp of Coke, which meant I’d be up all night bouncing off the walls when all I really want to do is rest my feet, watch a movie, and go to sleep. I didn’t really have a reason to stay anymore, the show was over and Ben had left but I knew Liam wanted me to stick around.

I looked up right as Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” started playing. I loved the song but now I wanted to attack the DJ for playing it. Another stab at how I don’t have a significant other to dance with. Just as I was about to hightail it to the bathroom to get away I heard a very loud shriek.

“What was that?” Sevvie voiced our thoughts as we looked at the dance floor.

“Oh mon dieu,” I muttered when I saw that it was Mom who had shrieked and started jumping up and down on her toes. Geeze she was so…hold the phone! I jumped up and pushed my way through the crowd as Mom hugged Mike who was laughing. “You didn’t!” I said once Mike put Mom down.

“I did,” he grinned and mom kissed his cheek. The light from the disco ball practically blinded me as it bounced off of the new rock that was on Mom’s finger. I pushed through the crowd of people who went to congratulate them and found Dad. “Are you ok with this?” I asked him.

He pulled me to his side, hugged me, and kissed the top of my head. “Of course, as long as she’s happy I’m happy.” I smiled. I could feel it in my bones that he meant it. I was beyond glad that Mom and Dad finally found common ground. Being stuck in the middle was not my idea of fun.

“Hey kid, great job,” Liam said and gave me a high five. “You have the day off tomorrow but after that we’re hitting it hard and getting you in front of the camera to shoot your first music video.”

“Say wha?”

“Later.”

“I so hate it when he does that,” I grumbled as Dad chuckled. “No really! He tells me something that I’m supposed to do at the last minute all the time!”

“It’s a good thing you don’t take hours in the bathroom.”

I lightly slapped his stomach. “Don’t side with him!”

“I’m just stating the facts.”

“Who asked your opinion?”

“Doesn’t matter if you ask, I’m always going to give it.”

“Aren’t I lucky.” I scanned the room, marveling at the bright lights that were bouncing around. “I was thinking I don’t have to stay here for the next couple of days. I could go back home with you. I could move the shoot to Orlando so if you ever needed anything I can just quickly get it and—“

“Stop worrying about me. I’m the parent; I’m supposed to worry about you.” He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “You’re growing up too fast.”

I didn’t know if I was supposed to hear that but I heard it loud and clear. I twisted my mouth to the side. I can’t make everyone happy can I? “I’m doing this for you! I want to make sure you’re all better and healthy!” I wanted to yell at him but I kept my mouth shut.

I tilted my head slightly when Gabe showed up. “I called a taxi.”

It felt as if all of my energy went away with the flick of a light switch. “Great, just let me get my things. Night Daddy.”

I was about halfway out of the room when I was stopped.  “There you are,” Justin said happily.

“Here I am,” I replied.

“Where ya goin’? The guys and I were going to hit up this club we’ve been hearing about,” Justin said excitedly.

I stared at him. “Aren’t you a little young?”

He shrugged. “I have a fake ID, no big deal.”

I shook my head. “I’m not in the mood to break the law but you can go ahead.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Way more fun than this snooze fest.”

I squinted at him. “Snooze fest?” I repeated.

“Yeah. I mean, come on, there’s, like, a bunch of chaperones everywhere we can’t have any real fun. And ‘sides, you could help me put in a good word with some chicks. Girls do that, right?”

My mind reeled. “Let me get this straight, this whole time you were bored?”

“Well, kinda.” He shrugged. “I mean, I was here by myself and the guys had their dates with ‘em.”

“What about me?”

“I mean, it’s not the same. You’re you and—“

“What’s wrong with me?”

Justin blinked. “Nothing. What’s crawled up your ass?”

“Forget it,” I sighed in defeat. “I’m just a little…overwhelmed.”

The confused look on Justin’s face immediately switched to a relaxed one. “Oh, ok. So, club or no?”

“No.” I started to walk again.

“That’s cool. Let’s do something else.”

“I want to go back to the hotel.”

“But that’s boring,” he practically whined. “C’mon, let’s do something fun.”

“No. I’m tired.”

“Please? We can play some one-on-one. I’ll even spot you five points then maybe you’ll have a chance of beating me.”

That tears it. “Justin! I don’t want to play basketball! I don’t want to go to a club. I don’t even want to go to the freakin’ moon! I just want to do something I want to do for once and go back to the damn hotel!”

Justin was quiet for a minute. “Ok, fine. I think you need some sleep anyway, you’re kinda cranky.” Finally he—“Hey, while you’re there could you do some of my laundry? I have this huge stain on—”

I let out a scream of annoyance and stormed off. I went into the backr oom to grab my things, angrily shoving them into a small bag and stomped back out to where Lyric was waiting for me, bobbing her head to the beat of a song as she chewed on a candy apple.

“Bite?” She asked, shoving the candy into my face. I shook my head. “What’s wrong with you? You look like you lost your best friend.” She laughed a little and swung her arm around my shoulders, leading me to the door.

“I just stood up to Justin, that’s all.”

So why does it feel like a piece of my heart is missing?

“I mean, I didn’t mean to be rude but I was done everyone asking if I was ok. I was just tired. And he wanted me to do his laundry when he could easily do it himself if he weren’t so lazy. But I feel bad for yelling at him ‘cause I’m sure he doesn’t know what he said wrong. But I finally stood up for myself. And that was the right thing to do, right?” My response was a big pink tongue licking my nose. I laughed and kissed Little J’s nose as Oreo padded over and brushed his nose against my cheek. “Thanks for listening anyway, guys. You always know how to cheer me up.”

Oreo yipped and ran around in a circle. He bowled into Little J’s side and the two dogs fell to the floor and started play fighting with each other. I chuckled and refilled their bowls. Good thing Liam booked a hotel with dog care. I would’ve died if I couldn’t bring my babies with me.

“Hey Babydoll,” Mom greeted me. Automatically Little J and Oreo stopped fighting and ran to get attention from her.

“Hey Momma. What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk,” she replied, rubbing dog hair off of her hands. “Do you have time?”

“Yeah, I just fed ‘em so they should be fine until the morning.” I scooped them up and managed to get the wiggling pups into the cages. I blew them a kissed and waved at the other dogs that were sitting quietly and left. “Hey, do you think they’d bring up poutine if I asked room service?” I asked Mom as we stepped into the elevator.

“I bet they’ve had stranger requests,” she said with a laugh and ran her fingers through my hair.

I looked up when the elevators opened. “We’re not going to the room?”

“Oh, we will, but Mike’s out here somewhere,” she replied. I looked around the lobby and stopped when I heard the haunting melody of the piano. I turned and walked in that direction, the song pulling me. I grinned when I saw that Mike was playing, I knew it’d be him. “Hey, I know that song,” I commented, sitting next to him on the bench.

“Oh yeah? Can you play it?” He questioned.

I shook my head. “I don’t know how to play the piano. Mom wanted me to but I said the only way I would is if she’d let me learn that song before lessons. I watched that scene about a billion times. It drove her crazy and I didn’t have to go to a lesson.”

Mike watched as he began to pluck the keys, his fingers moving effortlessly. I smiled remembering all the times Mom, Dad, and I were gathered around the piano and we would sing the song all the time before I went to bed.

Do mi sol do do sol mi do

Le vrai musician repèpete avec ardeur

de savantes gammes et des arpê-èges

Mais il faut qu’il sache que sa voix

doit sortir du cœur

en chantant ses gammes et ses arpê-èges

Mike chuckled and continued playing, gently leaning and rocking in time with the song. I picked up the song on the next part.

Si nous voulons chaque jour les pratiquer

nous verrons nos progrès vite encouragés

Do mi sol mi do mi sol mi fa la do la do

Répétons nos gammes et nos arpê-èges

I watched in awe as he easily played the next part. His fingers didn’t get tied up or anything. His eyes were closed and he looked absorbed in the music. I grinned at Mom who had joined us and she sang the last part with me.

Do mi sol do do sol mi do

Do mi sol do do sol mi do

Ce travail fastidieux qu’on fait sans effort

Un beau jour pourra valoir son pesant d’or

Et vous permettra de jouer de ravissants accords

Apprenons nos gammes et nos arpê-è-è-èges

“So, what’d you guys want to talk to me about?” I asked as I pressed random keys on the piano, emitting different sounds.

“We basically want to know how you feel about us getting married,” Mike replied.

“Honestly?”

“That’d be preferred.”

“I’m neutral I guess.” I shrugged, not taking my eyes off of the piano. “I mean, the way you went about it could’ve been better. Mom you could’ve told me that you and Dad were getting divorced instead of keeping it all hush-hush, which didn’t really work by the way. Kinda backfired really. I regret being a brat to you but you kinda deserved it.”

Mom nodded. “I understand but you were so young I couldn’t explain it to you.”

“I hardly count fourteen young and you know how mature I am,” I said, spinning around to look at her. She actually laughed. “How mature I can be, given the proper circumstances,” I corrected myself.

“That’s better.” She twisted her mouth to the side. Mike took her hand and pressed his mouth to it. “We all could’ve handled it better.”

“Divorce papers?” I asked.

Mom was used to me asking full questions with short ones. “In the process of being written out and signed. Everything is being split down the middle, except you of course.”

“So…what am I now?”

“You’re still my daughter .”

“I know that. I mean, am I a Desrosiers? Am I a Davenport? Am I a hyphen?”

They laughed. “You can decide that on your own,” Mike replied, patting me knee. It was kinda bugging me how…patient they were being with me with this whole thing. They’d probably accept a tantrum with open arms.

“How’d you two meet? You owe me that at least.”

“Starbucks,” Mike replied. I lifted my eyebrows and he continued. “She was short a dollar for her White Mocha Frappuccino.”

“That’s…cute,” I managed. They laughed. “I’m sorry, it’s just…odd. Starbucks? Really?” They nodded and I shook my head. “Ok, so what’re you planning on doing? Living? Do you have to change jobs, Mom? Am I going with you? What about custody?”

“Geeze, Mom, slow down with the questions,” Mom joked with an eye roll. “Your father and I still have joint-custody. Considering the tour and everything we figured you can choose where you want to stay and when. Mike and I will keep the home in Memphis while your father keeps the home in Orlando, that way you don’t have to move again.”

“Oh, good.” I pretended to wipe sweat off my forehead. “The last thing I wanted was to divide my stuff again.”

“And have you turn into your organizational dictator mode?” Mom rolled her eyes. “Perish the thought.”

“Nyah!” I stuck out my tongue.

~*~*~*~*~

“Ok, Mack, when were you born?” Lyric asked.

“September 16th,” I replied, looking over her shoulder at the horoscope book that was in her hands. Lyric, Codie, and Sevvie were sitting on the floor of my hotel room and I was on the bed, flipping through pages of the newest Seventeen magazine.

I had run back to the hotel suite I shared with the girls and told them the good news. Then we ran back to find Mom and Mike and I introduced them to Aiden, whom they immediately loved and fawned over. We finally left them when Mom said they needed to put Aiden to bed. It was late but we weren’t tired yet so now we were reading a bunch of magazines.

“Ok, so that means you’re…a…Virgo,” Lyric said, turning pages. “Ok, a characteristic and trait of people under this star sign is their lack of emotions in pretty much everything they do. Individuals of this group often tend to give you straight answers—”

“True,” Sevvie interrupted her.

“—and will not think twice about using euphemisms or beating around the bush when asked about something—“

“Yup,” Codie agreed.

“—This frank nature can be misconstrued to be rude and selfish, but this is never the intention of the individual. A Virgo is generally a charming, witty, realistic, down-to-earth, honest, dedicated, helpful, gentle, organized, systematic, and perfectionist type of person.”

“And y’all say those things about me like it’s a bad thing,” I said as I flicked Lyric’s ear.

“When you’re OCD about it…” Codie teased.

“Out of these characteristics come the not-so-good things about the Virgo which includes restless, anxious, worrisome, dogmatic, cranky, irritable, and very critical. It's in being irritable and overly critical at times that turns off most people,” Lyric continued. She lowered the book and looked at me. “It’s no wonder you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Keep reading,” I grumbled.

“Ok, the love stuff. Virgos can be very affectionate, once they have established feelings for their partner. When a Virgo feels they are becoming too emotionally attached, they will run. Pure Virgos find it almost impossible to let themselves go fully. They keep a tight rein on their own emotions so they come off cold and detached. Virgos are very cautious in the matters of the heart; they have a hard time expressing their feelings to others, in fear of being hurt so they want to make sure the feelings are mutual before they let down their guard. All in all Virgos are very emotional people who know how to hide their feelings but, give them enough time and enough trust, and their shell will crack and you’ll befriend the best sign out there.” Lyric closed the horoscope book. “What a load of crap.”

I laughed and flicked her ear.  “And you were so into it before.”

“Yeah, when it was about me,” she replied, turning to look at me. “I don’t need a book filled with mumbo jumbo to tell me that I, as a Taurus, and you, as a Virgo, can be best friends. I think I know that by now.”

“Speaking of irritable…have you talked to Justin yet?” Codie asked.

“No,” I replied. “And I don’t plan on it until he apologizes.”

“What if he doesn’t apologize?”

“Well then, I won’t be talking to him for a while.”

“Mack, come on. He’s a boy he’s not going to know what he needs to apologize for,” Sevvie commented, sighing.

“That’s not my problem, now is it.”

“A stubborn Virgo straight down to a T,” Lyric sighed, shaking her head.

“I thought you didn’t believe that ‘mumbo jumbo’,” I mocked, making finger quotes.

“You can’t deny the truth.”

It was a good thing that there was a knock on the door or else I’d have Lyric’s red hair wrapped around my fists. I rolled off the bed and quickly moved to the door. I stopped in my tracks when I saw Justin standing there, his hands shoved into his pockets.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hey,” I replied.

“You’re still awake?”

“It’s only one.”

“I figured you’d had a long day.”

“I have the day off tomorrow...er, today.”

“Oh.”

This short conversation was killing me! “Did you want to talk or…?” I prompted.

He nodded. “Is that ok? I don’t want to interrupt anything,” he added, looking past me. I turned around to see the girls leaning out the bedroom door.

“No, it’s all right. Come in.” I closed the door behind him and walked over to my bedroom door, pulling it shut (making sure to bang it on Lyric’s ankle for good measure). I chuckled evilly at her cry of pain and sat down on the couch next to Justin. “So what’s up?” Like I don’t all ready know.

“Something…feels off between us,” he said slowly. “I mean…I came all the way out here to support you and then you snap at me for no reason. I…I’m just confused.”

“Justin, you’ve known me long enough that I don’t go off on people for no reason,” I said as calmly as possible. Geeze, boys were really stupid!

“W-What did I do? I thought everything was going well.” He scratched his head and let out a little sigh.

“Do you remember what you said to me?”

He scrunched his eyebrows together. “I didn’t think there’d be some kind of test,” he said and let out a little smile. I immediately averted my eyes. Do not fall for the Timberlake smile! Stand strong! His smile faltered when I didn’t laugh. “Um…” he looked towards the ceiling. “I said…that I thought the party was getting boring?”

“Exactly,” I replied.

“I…I don’t get it.” He wrinkled his nose. “You’re mad about my opinion? You’ve been mad about a lot of things but never my opinion.”

“Just…that party wasn’t just for me, contrary to popular belief,” I said as patiently as possible. “The party was for Ben and the director and the producers as well and…saying that it was boring to you was insulting them. Not only them, but me as well. You basically said that it was a waste of your time and I got the feeling that you wouldn’t even have come if I didn’t ask you.”

His mouth fell open. “Of course I would have! Wh…what makes you think I wouldn’t?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ‘cause you don’t like doing anything when it doesn’t go your way?” I asked as I stood and then started pacing. “Or if it wasn’t your idea you won’t go along with it. Or that you always twist people’s arms until things go your way. Gee, J, what could possibly lead me to that idea?”

“What’s your damage?” He demanded, getting to his feet.

Like he actually had a reason to be upset.

“No, what’s your malfunction?” I demanded. “The one time something is about me you still turn it around so it’s about you! You always do this to me, Justin! Why can’t you let me have one thing?”

He cocked his eyebrow and then his face was quickly replaced with a look of fury. “I knew it,” he muttered more to himself than to me. “I knew letting you go off with…with them for the summer would change you.”

“What?”

Now this boy has clearly lost his mind.

“Yeah, that whole working with the Backstreet Boys thing. I knew it was a bad idea. They probably planted you with these thoughts to sabotage us and then got rid of you when you weren’t needed.”

“When I wasn’t needed?” I snarled through clenched teeth. Well thanks for throwing that back in my face. “Justin, do you realize that I need to work with different people to get my name out  so I can actually be taken seriously around here? I can’t just follow you around for the rest of my life like a puppy. I have a life too, you know.”

“I know!” Justin yelled.”Is it a crime to want to be a part of it?” He clenched his hands into fists and looked like he was about to hit something. I backed away in case he decided to hit me. He let go of his fists and let out a long breath. “I always knew with you wanting to be a choreographer and all that I’d have to face you going off and doing your own thing but I was hoping that would happen when you were, like, twenty-five. Why do you think I asked Lou to get you your job in the first place?”

“Uh, because I’m good at what I do?” I asked.

Justin grumbled something under his breath and ran a hand through his unnaturally bright hair. Then he dropped down on the couch and held his head in his hands. It took him a few minutes to actually lift his head and speak. “Look, I figured if I got your name bound to us somehow that would mean that you wouldn’t have to eventually leave.” He shifted his weight. Justin wasn’t one to talk about his feelings and I knew that was hard for him but I stayed quiet. “You’re amazing at what you do, that’s the main reason why I got you this job.”

“And it should be the only reason,” I interjected, sitting down next to him. “Not because you need to use me as some security blanket that you can toss aside and bring back whenever you feel like it. I need to branch out and do my own thing and you can’t be responsible for all of it. I need to learn to do things on my own instead of having Big Brother watch over me.”

Silence settled over the room like a thick blanket. Our silences used to mean that we were so comfortable with each other we didn’t need to talk. Now it was…suffocating.

“What happened to us?” he whispered. For a second I didn’t know if he was asking himself.

“We’re growing up,” I replied. “Well, some more than others,” I added, ‘subtly’ pointing to myself. He let out a little laugh. I could tell instantly that it was fake. “What’s running through your mind?”

“I just…miss you coming to me for help,” he replied, looking at his hands.

“And your idea of me coming to you for help is wondering which detergent to use in your laundry?” I demanded, lifting my eyebrows.

 He actually blushed. “I thought you liked doing stuff for me.”

“Not when it has your friends all up my ass about how you’re a slave driver.” I sighed.

“Do you think I am?”

“What’s it matter what I think?”

“I don’t want people brainwashing you and making you think that I’m a bad friend.”

“But you’re not!” I grabbed his hand. “J, you’re my best friend in the entire world. While you do have some…questionable intentions they don’t know you like I do and the Justin I know is sweet and caring and very thoughtful. However he needs to learn to stop treating me like a little kid and let me grow up.” I jabbed him in the chest for emphasis and then pinched the bridge of my nose. “Honestly, you’re worse than Jace.”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Justin said with a little laugh as he waved his hands. “I may be a lot of things but you cannot compare me to JC. For one I know how to take a joke and, unlike him, I know when a joke is being made instead of looking like—woosh!” He waved his hand over his head. I couldn’t stop the chuckle that came out of my mouth. “Why’d you freak out on me? I doubt it was ‘cause of me asking you to do laundry.”

“No, that was part of it,” I admitted. “I get that you don’t know how to do it but this is partially my vacation, too.” I squeezed his knee. “Tell ya what, I’ll do it this time but you’re going to learn how to do it. I won’t be around to do it while I’m on…on…”

“Tour,” he filled in for me with a chuckle. Then it looked like a light went off in his head. “That’s why you flipped out! Right? You’re nervous. Or scared. Which is unlike you.”

I managed to put on a smile and said, “Of course not. I’m excited. I get to see the world.”

“Without me.”

“It won’t be so bad. I’ll e-mail you every day and send pictures and videos chronicling everything,” I said, nudging his arm.

“It won’t be the same.”

I laughed. “Boy, I’m gonna be with you for about a week before I go. Let’s make the most of that before you freak out from separation anxiety.”

“I’m not the one who’s going to suffer separation anxiety, that’ll be you, my dear.”

I stood and stretched. “What makes you think that?” I demanded.

“’Cause you’ll suffer from withdrawal from not seeing this beautiful sight every day,” he commented, waving his fingers in front of his face.

“Somehow I’ll live,” I deadpanned.

February 18th, 1998

Los Angeles, CA

I frowned when I noticed that my bagel hadn’t been precut except for one little sliver. I grabbed my knife and started cutting the bread with it. After a few attempts I decided the knife wasn’t cutting it (ha ha) and shoved my finger in through the hole, prying the bread apart. Once the bread was separated I put it down on the plate and frowned again. This time I realized that I just had widened the hole and made the bagel barely recognizable. Next to me Dad was chuckling as he took a sip of his orange juice.

 “Pass the jelly please,” I said as I picked up a bagel half. The L.A. sun was so warm I was surprised it didn’t turn my bagel into toast while it was sitting in my hand. That is if the swarming seagulls didn’t get to it first.

Mike made a face. “You put jelly and cream cheese on the same bagel?” He questioned albeit reaching for the spread and a small knife.

I nodded and eagerly scooped out a glob. “If you’re gonna marry into this family you have to learn to accept our weird eating habits.” I paused and added while elbowing Dad’s side, “Like Dad putting peanut butter on his waffles.”

“Or Charlotte dipping pretzels in her milkshakes,” Dad added.

Mom lifted her perfect, pencil-thin eyebrow. “Or Babydoll’s ‘my-food-can’t-touch’ problem.”

I huffed. “Spinach juice in my rice makes it taste funny, you know that!”

“How can you taste anything but the massive amounts of sugar you put on top of it?” Dad asked with a chuckle. “I’m surprised you don’t have cavities by now.”

“Well, if it’d let out all the hot air stored in her head…” Mike muttered with an innocent smile. As Dad and Mom laughed I gently kicked him under the table.

I grinned at the sound of the waves lapping against the short and the cool sea breeze dancing through the air. This was just what I needed before I got to work, a nice quiet breakfast with just my family. Who knew when I’d have one of these moments again? As soon as it hit noon I would be on the fast track to Busy Town. Press, photos, videos, rehearsals, rehearsals, and more rehearsals…and then that dreaded ‘T’ word. I couldn’t even think about it, think about leaving everything I knew, leaving the boys, leaving…

No, don’t even go there! Just relax and enjoy the time with your parents and Mike. I blinked suddenly realizing how oddly weird the situation was. Mike had been rubbing the back of Mom’s hand for the past five minutes and Dad didn’t seem upset or jealous or anything at all. He just sat there engaging them both in conversation. Why doesn’t this bug him? Why?

I don’t get it. Shouldn’t people who were so in love with each other be at least a little bit upset once the other starts to move on? I looked at Dad again who was reading the newspaper with intensity only adults could generate. I let my thoughts wander as I started poking at my fruit, suddenly losing my appetite.

He must be so scared. I would be if I had a disease like that, but he’s not really reacting to it at all. He’s just going on like nothing’s wrong. Why won’t he let us help? Hell, what do you say to someone who’s suffering like this?

“Sweetie?” I blinked and looked up to see Dad staring at me. I guess I spaced out again; I was doing that a lot lately.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I asked if you wanted to take a walk on the beach,” he said, nodding his head in the direction of the beach, which wasn’t too far from our hotel. “We can collect shells like we used to.”

I smiled as my thoughts too me back to simpler times. Walking along the beach, moving as fast as my little legs could take me, my dad following behind. Mom stayed on the beach blanket most times, reading. She read a lot at the beach, I always thought it was weird. Who’d want to spend vacation time reading? I spent it in the sand; I hardly went into the water. Who’d want to go near something so dangerous?

“Um, sorry Dad, I can’t, my day’s jam packed,” I apologized, shoving a bit of watermelon in mouth and then pulled face. I hated watermelon but it was better than seeing the disappointed look on Dad’s face.

I hated making him disappointed.

~*~*~*~*~

I loved the smell of a dance studio. The pinewood floors, the rubber, the stale sweat. It may be gross to some but to me it was invigorating. It made me come alive and want to start moving. It felt like my second home.

Liam had managed to rent out one of the rooms of the newly created Millennium Dance Complex for me to rehearse a few hours before we started the video shoot. As soon as I walked through the doors of the Complex I knew it was a place I needed to be. Everyone here lived and breathed dance and it was inspiring. It couldn’t even compare to the studios I frequented back in Orland and Memphis.

I hardly felt like rehearsing because I wanted to look at everything there was to see, maybe even sit in on a few classes but Liam kept reminding me of the schedule I had to keep. I went through the routine for “Naturally” many times before I was piled into a van and driven over to the area that the videos were being shot. “Naturally” was going to be shot first because it had the most costume changes whereas “Pressure” was a straight-forward video where the band and I would only be rocking out.

We finally pulled up to the lot that was going to be used. I looked up while stepped out of the van, stretching my neck back far to see the warehouse that we were going to be using for the day. I shivered while looking at the tall (creepy) building.

“Something tells me we’re not coming out of here alive,” Liam joked, getting out behind me and putting a hand on my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze as if silently telling me to calm down. It worked, but only a little bit.

“Once our tombstones are placed next to each other my epitaph will read, ’He was my downfall’ with an arrow pointing to yours,” I told him, trying to be as serious as possible but he grinned, knowing that I was pulling his leg. He was the first person to know when I was joking, being sarcastic, or being serious the fastest.

That’s what I liked about Liam’s and my relationship. He was older than me—around the age of 26, maybe 27—and we could joke with each other but we knew when to be serious. Sometimes he was on the harsh side but I knew it was because he’s seen me at my best and sometimes I slack off. He just wants to get me to my best and he’ll do it anyway he can and anyway knows is effective.

“Ok, I’m going to find the director,” Liam said as we were lead inside by the security guards. “You can take a look at what the wardrobe department as pulled out for you.”

“Sounds good,” I said with a nod, lifting my bag onto my shoulder. We split up and I walked around the large warehouse, feeling a little creeped out as the minutes wore on. Why did Liam pick this place of all locations? I waved to a few personnel that I passed while trying to find the wardrobe room.

I passed by a room and took a look in it, stopping in my tracks. I pushed open the door and moved dropped my bag. I rushed over to the table that was set up on one side of the room and let my eyes scan over the food that was set up. My stomach then grumbled, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten this morning. Grinning, I reached for my favorite treat.

“Halt! Put the cookie down and put your hands in the air!” A deep voice called out.

I tensed but immediately relaxed once I recognized who the voice belonged to. “You suck, you know that?” I grumbled, picking up the Oreo again and taking a large bite, chewing happily. Dani grinned and knocked my shoulder with hers, Kelly following her into the room. “When’d you get here?” I asked once I swallowed. I brushed my mouth with the back of my hand to get the crumbs off.

“Just now. We saw your van pull in,” Kelly replied, picking up a cookie herself and getting a bite. “This is one creepy place.”

“You’re tellin’ me.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s good for a horror movie,” Dani said with a grin as she looked around.

“So’s Bobbie’s face,” I threw out there. The two bit their lips to keep from laughing but they let their smiles shine through. “That was mean, I take that back.”

“What!? No! That was a good one!” Dani said, slapping my arm. “Since when do you apologize for making jokes?”

“Since I realized I don’t think before I speak.” I replied.

“I think everybody all ready knew that,” Kelly teased.

“Ha ha,” I laughed sarcastically. “Do you guys want to check out what wardrobe has pulled for me?”

The agreed and we set off, trying to find the area. Dani jumped out at us a couple of times on the way, scaring us half to death each time. Usually I don’t get scared but this place was beyond creepy that I was on my toes the entire time. Finally we found the room marked with a sign that said ‘wardrobe’ in Liam’s slanted handwriting.

“Man,” I muttered, running my fingers along the rack of clothes that were set out for me. There were a plethora of colors, fabrics, lengths, sizes, and styles to choose from. Whomever Liam called to make sure they knew what I liked did a great job of picking things out. For the first time in my life I didn’t know what to wear.

“I’m so jealous,” Kelly commented as she looked through the clothing rack with me. She pulled a pair of jeans off of the rack which had studs running down the leg seams. “Man, I wish I were your size,” she whined, practically salivating at the mouth.

“Easy girl, put the pants down,” Dani laughed, taking the jeans from her. I chuckled, glad that they had decided to join me. This would’ve been so boring by myself. My band didn’t need to be called to set until later because the director, Wayne Isham, wanted to focus on my solo shots first. “Ooh, but I love this top,” she commented. I nodded in approval at the sea green off the shoulder ¾ length shirt with slits in the one sleeve, to show off the arm of course. Her fingers started to dig into the fabric as a smile formed on her face. “I’m almost willing to steal this.”

“Back away from the temptations,” I teased, turning to the rack of brightly colored pants, shorts, and capris. “This…is…my…heaven!” I cried out, rushing towards the pants but Kelly and Dani grabbed my arms, stopping me.

“Who needs restraint now?” Dani laughed.

“So, I’m guessing the wardrobe did a good job?” A bellow of a laugh broke our mini struggle. I turned to see a somewhat short man with a long white beard smiling jovially at me.

“Excellent job,” I replied, looking longingly at the jean jackets. “I want to wear everything.”

“Then we’d be here forever,” he joked. “I’m your director for today, Wayne Isham.”

“Very nice to meet you sir,” I said, shaking his hand. “And these are my friends Kelly and Dani.”

“What’s all this ‘sir’ stuff? Call me Wayne, ‘sir’ makes me feel old,” he laughed, shaking their hands as well. “We have the storyboard set up if you want to come over and take a look.”

“Let’s do it.”

We followed Wayne to another room and dropped down on the couches as he walked over with a large piece of poster board that had different pictures on it. “We didn’t want to do too much so this will be a pretty relaxed shoot,” Wayne started. “We’re going to have three different looks for you with “Naturally”. One look will be something simple, a t-shirt and jeans, maybe a vest and natural makeup. The second will be a more…edgier look with darker makeup, some studs, and maybe some leather. The last will be a glam look, a nice dress and light makeup. The whole thing will be done in front of green screen because we have a great idea of how to add in transitions and effects that will go along with the type of videos that are being shown in Europe right now.”

I sat silently while biting my thumb. He looked at me as if waiting for my reaction. “I thought…originally I wanted to be dancing with my two dancers in the video,” I spoke up.

“It will be better to have this video focused on you,” Wayne replied. “What we are going to do is shoot your band playing and we’ll put them in the video as transitions and effects. Once you see the final edit it’ll come together.”

“Ok,” I sighed. Why fight it? He’s been in the business for a while he must know what he was talking about. “And what about “Pressure”?”

“That one is the simplest. You’ll be in this room in the basement that has pipes and gauges in it. You’ll be playing with your band—like you’re putting on a little concert—and as the song goes by we’ll flash back and forth to one pressure gauge that has a rising needle. Once the needle pushes past a certain point we’ll set off pyro,” Wayne said excitedly, grinning at the image.

“I really like the sound of that,” I commented. “I really do. Anyway that shows…who I am and what I’m singing about I’m all for. I don’t want it to be this…fake happy-bouncy type thing, you know?”

“I understand perfectly. So if you’re ready we can get you into hair and makeup and start the shoot.”

Almost as soon as the words came out of his mouth people started scurrying around to get things in the right places. Kelly and Dani followed me from station to station, giving their input on the way my hair should be styled down to the colored laces I’d wear in my shoes.

Finally I saw the set. Basically I’d be on this rotating circle in front of a green screen and I could do whatever I wanted just so long as I was lip-syncing at the right moments and gave it my all.

“What time is it?”I asked before taking another sip of water from the bottle that had been glued to my hand since I was whisked around.

“A quarter to one,” Kelly replied.

“Hmm, we’re a little late,” I mumbled. I then put a hand on my stomach when it started to growl.

“And someone’s a little hungry,” Dani pointed out. “Do you want us to get you something from the food room?”

“And have them yell at me for having junk in my teeth? No, ‘sides that’s all snack stuff. I want good staple good. Like McDonald’s,” I replied.

Kelly burst out laughing. “Right, ‘cause McDonald’s is a ‘staple food’,” she said with finger quotes.

“It is to me,” I said as seriously as possible.

“Did you not eat while you’re at home?” Dani asked shaking her head. Her two braids lightly hit her face with every turn of her head. “You live in the South, for cryin’ out loud.”

“I’m kinda useless down there,” I replied, pinching at a mascara clump and then grinned. “I’m picky with spicy foods and I don’t like fish all that much. Plus I prefer Kraft macaroni to someone else’s. I’m like the black sheep of the South. Justin and Trace joke that they should’ve run me out of town ages ago.” I made a face at the black streak on my fingers. Then I looked around and wiped my finger underneath the chair I was sitting on once I knew no one was looking. “So? Get me food please?”

Kelly squinted. “This isn’t some sort of ploy for you to get us out of here so we can’t watch your shoot, is it?”

“I’d have to think too hard to do that,” I pointed out.

“She has a point. We all know how much she doesn’t think,” Dani agreed. I glared and she stuck her tongue out at me. “We’re going, we’re going. Your usual, right?”

“Right. Thanks.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want them there for my first shoot. It’d be better having them staring at me the entire time instead of people I don’t know scrutinizing every move I make. I just didn’t want to look stupid in front of them, especially in a dress of all things. The dress was ok, but it was that it’s pink! I hate pink with a passion. It’s so…disgustingly…feminine.

“Ok, are you ready to make some magic?” Wayne asked, rubbing his hands together.

“Let’s rock!” I cheered, punching my fists into the air and jumped down from the chair that I had been sitting in. I stepped onto the little circular platform and stood still as the makeup woman brushed something across my cheeks again, squinting at the bright lights. Then I relaxed once I realized that I couldn’t see anyone. “I’m ready,” I called.

“Ok, Scene Apple, Take 1,” Wayne called and I chuckled a little. “Sound ready! Cameras ready! Let’s get this started.”

A very loud ticking sound filled the room—kind of like a metronome—and then the bass beats of the song started.  As soon as it got to the first verse I pushed aside all of my jitters and I was in the zone. I got wrapped up in the sound, jumping around and having fun. I was so wrapped up in the song, the lights, and the energy around me that I didn’t even care that I was wearing a pink dress after a while. We had to do the ‘Glam Scene’ as we call it a few more times before I was able to change into jeans.

“Try and stick with something in the reds, blacks, and whites,” Liam said as I looked over the clothes rack. “And do you think you could be a bit more…girly?” He asked hesitantly.

I shot him a look. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked as calmly as possible.

“I mean, have a little bit more fun with it. Play with your hair or something,” he replied. “We’re trying to make the video appealing to males as well.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, putting my hands on my hips in a very Mom-like way. “You can say whatever it is.”

“Maybe…you can wear a tighter shirt?” He questioned slowly, clutching his clipboard as if he was going to use it for protection.

“There. Now was that so hard?” I chuckled, patting his arm.

“I thought you were going to bite my head off,” he replied, lowering his clipboard.

“By asking me to be a bit more girly?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow. “I am a sixteen-year-old girl ya know. I may just be thinking about doing that all ready.” He gave me an incredulous look. “I get that look a lot. You should’ve seen my mom. She started crying as if I said I wanted to be in pageants.” I shook my head. “I can only be seen as ‘one of the guys’ for so long without going crazy.”

“Well…that was easier than I thought,” he said with a smile. “Oh, and I have a question. An interviewer from a European magazine has flown over to interview you for a next big thing article. Are you interested?”

“Considering he flew all the way over here to see lil’ ol’ me? No problem,” I said with a shrug.

He made an astonished sound. “That Memphis trip did you some good.”

“I get that a lot too. Don’t worry; I have a good idea for this next shot.”

“You don’t have to change now. You’re getting a lunch break.”

“Yes, but something tells me if I spill even a speck of food on this dress the wardrobe department would kill me. Might as well change now.” Liam nodded and hurried off to wherever he needed to go. I grabbed a few articles of clothing in the colors he suggested and went into the dressing room. After a few changes I finally decided on a red and white hooded cap-sleeve shirt and black pants. “Oh geeze, these pants are tight,” I mumbled, jumping around, trying to get my leg through the material. It didn’t feel so bad once I got the zipper up and the button fastened there was a decent amount of space in between the material and my legs at the knee down.

“Where are ya, Shortstuff? We got your food!” Dani’s voice carried through the large warehouse. I laughed at the frazzled look on his face. “Geeze, those security guards take their jobs seriously,” she added, shoving a McDonald’s bag into my arms.

“I hope security guard isn’t some sort of sick codename for Chris,” I commented, digging around in the bag to make sure she got what I wanted. I looked up and saw Dani roll her eyes but her smile stayed on her face.

“Someone mention my name?” Chris asked, wrapping his arms around Dani’s waist from behind her.

“Yeah, I was just saying that the San Diego Zoo has a new chimp in the exhibit that looks exactly like you. You should check it out,” I replied, smiling as sweetly as possible.

He shrugged. “It’s nothing compared to the attraction that resembles you. However the only way you can see it is if a donkey turns around.”

“Chris, that was mean!” Kelly gasped. Chris ignored her and gave me a look, as if challenging me to find a better response.

“Once I think of a better come back…I’ll come back,” I muttered. Chris threw his arms in the air as she paraded around, basking in his win. “Hey, you only got lucky this time, pal!”

“What’s going on?” Justin asked as he, JC, Lance, and Joey pushed a curtain out of their way and walked over to us.

“Chris getting cheap thrills like usual,” I replied and took a sip of my drink.” Hey, Dan, this is Sprite and PowerAde right?”

“You have weird taste in food,” JC commented, a teasing grin gracing his lips.

You have weird taste in girlfriends! I bit my tongue before the comment slipped out. “To each his own, right?” I shrugged. “You guys didn’t come to stand around, did you? I don’t go back to working for an hour now.”

“And hour that can be focused on us,” Joey replied, dropping an arm around my shoulders.”Damn, you’re looking good.”

“You talking to her or that burger?” Kelly asked dryly, lightly punching Joey in the side. Chuckling he grabbed her fist, pulled her close and kissed her. She backed away, grinning and tucking her brown-blond hair behind her ears.

“A little bit of both,” he admitted and winked at me. “Don’t you know? She’s my secret second girlfriend.”

“She better not be,” Justin jumped in, knocking Joey’s arm off of my shoulders and replacing it with his own. Then he reached into my bag and swiped a few friends before I could even move. “Hey, what’re you wearing?”

“You sure you want to ask that question here, J?” Chris snickered as Lance cracked a smile. “Shouldn’t you save that for the bedroom?”

“Shut up,” Justin grumbled, dropping his arm. “Seriously, though,” he added, looking down at me.

“Ok, Justin say it with me: cloooooothes,” I said slowly, stretching the word out. Then I rolled my eyes. “You know. The things people wear to keep themselves warm and decent.”

“It’s very…er…different,” JC commented, rubbing the back of his neck.

“And hot!” Joey added. I smiled my thanks at him which he returned with a wink. “Can’t wait to see you dance now.”

“Listen Joe—“Justin started, his eyes flashing.

“Someone skip their cereal this morning?” Chris interrupted him, tauntingly.

“Chris, knock it off,” I called as the two got into a little scuffle. “Dani, can’t you stop him.”

“Hey, he’s my boyfriend, not my pet,” she said, shrugging in a ‘what-can-you-do?’ way. We watched Justin and Chris run around the set a little bit, teasing each other here and there, laughing all the while. It was amazing how quickly they could get over being ‘mad’ at each other.

We went back into what I referred to as the ‘Lounge Room’ and dropped down on couches, digging into the food that they had brought. I kept the stereo on in the corner so I had something filling my mind when the pace slowed down enough for me to actually think. Thinking was my enemy right now.

The guys asked me what I had planned for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I’d be joining them on their promo tour. I was glad I would be able to relax a bit before things picked up again but even then I knew I wouldn’t be able to completely relax. Either Justin would want to do something or Joey would want to hang out or Chris would want to go looking for trouble. I only had a short amount of time to pack as much time with them as possible.

Now Chris would have to call me every day to tell me a new (lame) joke he heard or made up on the spot. I’d have to e-mail Lance about new books I think he should read. Now I have to be more careful with talking to Joey and asking for advice. It was the neutral ones I could deal with.

JC and Justin, not so much. It’s like lately everything I do has to be their business and I am one prying question away from turning their heads into basketballs. No, soccer balls. Then I could kick ‘em all I wanted. I grinned evilly at the image forming in my head.

I slapped my hand over my ear and then glanced to my left. Lance was smiling a bit while leaning back in his chair, resting his palms on his stomach. He looked like my dad after he ate his favorite dessert.

“What was that for?” I asked, pulling on my earlobe.

“Had to get your attention,” he replied. He looked towards the door and I suddenly noticed that the room was empty. “Don’t listen to Jace and Justin, ok?” He spoke up again.

Well that was sudden. I shouldn’t have been surprised; Lance never beats around the bush. “That’s hard to do when they’re shoving advice in my ears.”

“It’s not even advice, it’s their opinions,” he corrected me. “Opinions which aren’t needed. They must be blind but I can see what it’s doing to you.”

“Nothing.” I shrugged. “I’m fine.”

He smiled. “That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one. I have a sister, remember? I know what ‘I’m fine’ really means.” He dropped down on the floor next to me. “How’re you feeling?”

“In general or…?”

“Right now. We’ll get to that later.”

I brushed my bangs out of my face and let out a breath. “Annoyed.” I let out a little chuckle as it dawned on me. “It’s the only way I’ve been feeling around those two lately.”

“Doesn’t surprise me.”

“I mean, they treat me like I’m six and not sixteen!”

“It’s understandable with them,” Lance said gently, as if waiting to gauge my reaction. “I mean, you’ve known Justin since you were in diapers and JC since you were—what?—eleven? Twelve? It’s understandable that they want to continue to see you as something you’re not, in this case a child. They just want to protect you. We all do.”

“You and Joey and Chris are less suffocating with it, though,” I pointed out.

“That’s ‘cause we’re smart and know that we need to give you room to make your own mistakes. I mean, what you’re wearing is not even out of your comfort zone. So what if the shirt shows a little bit of your stomach? As long as you’re comfortable in your clothes, their opinions don’t matter.” He paused and studied my face. “They do to you though, I guess.” He sighed. “Your attachment…how’re you going to function?”

“That seems to be the question of the year,” I joked. His face didn’t crack at all. “It’s funny, I’ve always been able to block out what people say about me. As I grew up I was made fun of ‘cause of my accent or ‘cause I was boyish or ‘cause I was so small. But I told myself it didn’t matter and that I was the only one who could dictate how I feel when I felt it. But…no matter how strong I am out here”—I waved my arms in the space—“I’m not in here.” I tapped my chest.

“Your sarcasm and wit can only hide so much,” he said, patting my knee.

“You’re too intuitive for your own good,” I mumbled a repeated phrase I’ve told him constantly over the years.

“So I’ve heard.” Now he grinned. “Listen, I know you’re scared about this tour thing—“

“I’m not scared!” I denied, hotly.

He lifted his eyebrows. “Right, ‘cause you always changing the subject once it’s brought up means you’re grasping the idea whole-heartedly.” I punched myself in the thigh, angry at myself for giving it away. I never show fear! He grasped my hand as if he could read my mind and gave it a squeeze. “You’ve done so much for us all ready. Do something that’ll make you happy.”

“What if it’s not the right thing? What if this isn’t it?”

His eyes studied my face. “Although it kills me to say this, you’re just not happy with us right.”

“Lance, don’t even—“I started.

“It’s true,” he interrupted me. “Since you came back that summer from filming and recording and working with the Backstreet Boys…you’ve changed. Not in a bad way but not in a good way either. It’s like…you’re stuck and I feel like we’re the ones holding you back.”

“No, Lancelot, that’s not it.”

He nodded. “It is. You just need time to find who you are and what you’re all about and—suffice to say—grow up at your pace.” He gave a sad smile. “All that you’ve been through in such a short time…it’s made you mature faster than you needed to. You need time to yourself to find out what you want in this life and to get it on your own terms and we don’t give you that freedom.”

“That’s my choice, Lance,” I argued. “I’m the one who decided to take on the job. I’m the one who decided to move in with you guys. I’m the one who decided to travel with you and make sure you guys were OK. Everything I’ve done has been my choice.”

“But it’s not fair for us to keep you from making the right one.”

“How is that even possible when I don’t even know what the right one for me is?”

“But you do,” he argued. “If you didn’t know you would’ve called all of this off and stayed with us, choreographing for us and be around when we needed you and not necessarily when we wanted you.” I flinched at his words. “I’m sorry I’m being so harsh but it’s the only way I know I can get through to you.” His voice was practically a whisper now. “It’ll take Justin a while to understand, but you need this. We need this. We’ve been your whole life for the past few years and it’s time we let you go.” He paused and added, “If you love them let them go. If they come back, it was meant to be.” He lifted his thumbs and brushed the tears off of my cheeks. I hadn’t even realized I started crying.

“Thanks Lancie.” I leaned forward and gave him a big hug, squeezing my eyes shut and taking in his scent. He gently stroked my hair and held me until I let go.

He then quoted with sparkling eyes, “And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

“And…cut! That’s a wrap for “Naturally”! Good job everyone,” Wayne called through the bullhorn that he held up to his mouth. A round of applause filled the room as I bowed and blew pretend kisses. I laughed and walked off the set, giving Liam a high five on the way off.

“Great job, Kid. Now you can take a break while we set up for “Pressure”. We’ll call you when we’re ready. Keep the energy up,” Liam told me.

“I’ll try,” I replied, going straight to the lounge area. As soon as the door closed behind me I dropped to my knees and let out a long groan. “Oh my god, I don’t think I can do this much more.”

Chris laughed and tugged me to my feet. “Is the Almighty Mackenzie Desrosiers admitting defeat?” He asked and held his hand to his ear. “Speak up, I want to make sure I hear this.”

“Shut up,” I mumbled, dropping down on the couch and spreading my legs in Lance’s lap.

“I have something that’ll cheer you up,” Joey said as he waved a newspaper article in my face.

“Comics?” I asked eagerly.

“No, your movie review.”

“I want to read it!” Justin said, jumping up from the couch he was sitting on with JC and Bobbie. Justin had taken up most of the space by spreading out his legs while playing his game boy so the couple was squished into the corner. Not that it seemed to bother them.

“No, me!” Chris said, tackling Justin to the ground, reaching out his hand.

“I’d rather Joey read it,” I said as I pulled my hair back into a ponytail.

“Why?” Lance asked.

“Well, if the review is a bad one Joey can make me laugh out of it.”

“Don’t be such a Debbie Downer,” Kelly said, pushing at my foot.

“I’m not, I’m being realistic,” I corrected her, resting my hands behind my head. “Read it, Joe.”

“Ok.” He cleared his throat. “’To’—“

“Don’t!” I cried out. He lowered the paper and looked at me. “Never mind, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Are you sure?” Lance asked.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I replied, biting my thumbnail. “I…I don’t wanna know. Don’t read it.”

“Yeah, well, I wanna know,” Chris said, snatching the paper out of Joey’s hands.

“Papercut!” Joey cried out, grabbing his finger as if it were on fire.

“Aww, poor baby,” Kelly cooed and then kissed his finger. “Better?”

“Yes, but now my lips hurt.”

I grinned. They were so cute together that it leveled out how nauseating the exchange actually was. She gave him a peck on the lips and ran her fingers through his hair while he smiled in content.

Chris made a show of clearing his throat very loudly. He stretched his arms out and smoothed the paper with his hand, all the while still clearing his throat.

“Either read it or don’t!” I yelled in exasperation.

“Thought you didn’t want him to read it,” Bobbie spoke up, a teasing tone in her voice. I ignored her comment and looked pointedly at Chris.

“’To all the women out there who have close relationships with their fathers:  this movie will bring you closer as you watch the story of heart-breaker Brady McGuire (played by Good Will Hunting star, Ben Affleck) and his unknown, witty daughter, Maggie (played by newcomer, Mackenzie Charlotte) unfold.’” He paused. “That sounds promising,” he said and threw a smile my way.

“Keep going!” I ordered.

“Ok, ok. ‘Compelling Brady McGuire is a charming, photography shop owner by day and a party-loving, heartbreaker by night. The bachelor doesn’t have trouble getting the females to continue the party at his home after the bars shut down. His partying past comes back to haunt him in the form of his sharp-tongued sixteen-year-old daughter, Maggie, who he finds sitting on his couch one morning after a romp with one of his night visitors.

“’While going through the motions (and the firsts) with Maggie, Brady quickly learns that he has to settle down and accept responsibilities if he wants to keep Maggie out of the hands of his college ex (who is a skilled, gold-digging seductress who only sees her daughter as a meal ticket).

“’While a few first-time plots are predictable—“

“That’s bad! Oh man, he’s going to rip the movie to shreds!” I cried out. I then let out a startled scream when an article of clothing hit my face. I yanked it off and glared at JC.

“Relax and listen to him,” he ordered.

“Sir, yes sir!” I shouted and saluted him. He rolled his eyes.

Chris held the paper up and continued, “’While a few first-time plots are predictable (irst time driving, first date)’...yeah that is knida predictable…’the chemistry between Affleck and Charlotte is undeniable and helps overlook the few predictable scenes. Affleck’s portrayal of the smooth-talking Brady is an effortless task while Charlotte’s portrayal of a sugar-spice, witty teen is right on the mark. She is a teenager after all, one with a solid career ahead of her if this film is any proof.

“‘The film is a great mixture of drama and comedy that will sure to have you crying from laughter and from the tug of your heartstrings.’”

“Why do you still look worried? It was a great review,” Dani said, noticing that I was still biting my thumbnail.

“It was one reviewer, the rest could be—“

“A bunch of boneheads who wouldn’t know talent if it bit them on the ass,” Justin interrupted me. I opened my mouth but he held up his hand, stopping me. “I don’t want to hear another negative word.”

“But—“

“No.”

“I mean—“

“Uh-uh.”

“J—“

“Neh!”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Je vous hais,” I mumbled.

He grinned. “No you don’t.”

I dismissed his smirk with a weak, “Whatever.” Silence fell around as the sound of rapidly moving people filled the room. “Are you guys going to stay here all day?” I asked, looking at my watch. “I mean, I’m sure you have better things to do.”

“She’s right,” Bobbie spoke up, JC gave her a look. “I mean, it’s kinda boring sitting around here,” she quickly added.

“Right, I don’t want to keep you guys tethered here or anything. Go to dinner or the beach or something.”

“Have you seen Joey’s sunburn?” Lance laughed, poking Joey’s cheek. “He’s as red as a lobster. I think we’ve been to the beach enough.”

“Yeah and we want to be here for you,” Joey agreed. “You were there for us for our first video shoot.”

“But that’s only because I had to make sure you didn’t besmirch my name by dancing horribly,” I said with a sweet smile.

“Admit it, you just wanted to see us in those sexy tight shirts,” Chris said with a grin.

“Yeah, Chris ‘cause I fantasize about those disgustingly ugly shirts all the time.” I shook my head. “Whoever came up with the wardrobe needs to be shot. Ce que pensaient-ils?” I then yawned.

“Why don’t you take a nap?” JC suggested. “We’ll get out of your hair.”

“First time you’ve ever offered to leave me alone,” I noted and rubbed my sudden burning eyes. “And I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I just need a soda or something.” Then I snapped my fingers. “You guys are rehearsing tomorrow, right? Mind if I tagalong? I know you’ve been used to going over the steps by yourself but I want to see the progress you’ve made without me.”

“Uhhhh,” they all mumbled in unison. I crinkled my eyebrows together. If that weren’t a warning sign I didn’t know what was. They all refused to look at me, suddenly finding the ceiling, the floor, or their girlfriends more interesting.

“Ok, what gives?” I demanded. I nudged Lance’s stomach with my knee. “Lancie?”

“Justin was supposed to tell you,” he said quickly. Justin lifted his head and widened his eyes at Lance, who shrugged and started picking at his fingernails.

“You guys are acting like I’m holding a chainsaw to your necks.” I rolled my eyes. “What’s up?”

“Well, we, uh, kinda needed…a new choreographer…while you were gone,” Justin coughed. They all seemed to be holding their breaths.

I blinked. “Well, duh! I mean, I can’t be there all the time.”

“You’re not mad?” Chris asked in disbelief.

“Of course I’m not…oh my god, you guys thought I was going to kill you about this?” I laughed a good, long, and hard laugh while they looked at me as if I had grown a second head. A second personality would be more like it, ordinarily I would’ve been upset with someone taking over my turf, telling my boys what to do, but it made sense. “Guys, choreographers can’t be tied down. You have my oh-so-sacred approval.” I paused. “It’s not another girl, is it?” I demanded

“Yeah, it’s not another girl, is it?” Bobbie repeated.

“No, ‘course not,” Joey said quickly. “Wouldn’t want to get in trouble with the Boss,” he said, pointing at Kelly ‘subtly’.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” she grumbled. “What time is it?”

“Nearly seven-thirty,” I replied.

“I don’t know about you but I’m getting hungry. Don’t mean to be rude, Mack, but I’m gonna split. I’ve been here all day and I haven’t even gotten a chance to go shopping yet.”

I laughed. “Can’t let me get in the way of that.” And then I added, “Buy me some more shorts? I’ll pay you back.”

“Sure,” Kelly said, spinning her keys around her finger. “Anyone else?” She asked, looking around the room.

“You know I’m in,” Dani said, high fiving her.

“I guess I’ll go too, if you don’t mind,” Lance said, turning to me. Isn’t that sweet, checking to make sure I’m ok?

“I’m good. Lyric and the others should be coming soon anyway so it’s not like I’ll be by myself. Go, have fun, don’t let me get in the way. Shoo.”

“Ok, but call if you need us,” Justin said, swooping over and kissing my forehead. “I mean it, I don’t want another repeat of New York.”

“Yeah yeah,” I brushed him off with a wave of my hand and said as innocently as possible,” I’ll be good.”

JC decided to stick around, only after promising Bobbie that he’d take her out later that night. Lyric and the others arrived later. I guess he wanted to at least make sure I got back ok, despite having four other people to make sure I got there in once piece. Whatever. Lyric was a ball of energy as always, super excited about being on the set. JC disappeared somewhere as I briefed them on what we did and what the “Pressure” video would entail.

Then we were whisked off to wardrobe. I didn’t have to change much, I only changed my shirt, I kept the dark jeans that I was wearing before. The shirt I now wore was a royal blue t-shirt with the phrase ‘Role Model’ in the middle in white. The others hardly changed what they were wearing at all, opting to wear light jackets over t-shirts of pulled their hair back.

Wayne led us all to the basement area where a drumset and everything else was set up as well as a bunch of lights and a few cameras. JC sat back and was unusually quiet for most of the shoot, giving out ideas here and there on what looked good to him.

Finally we were wrapping up the shoot when Wayne said he wanted to do the end where they shot off the ‘pyro’. Should’ve known something was up when I saw that look of glee in JC’s eyes. We had started at the bridge, ready to close the song and then the next thing I knew I was soaked to the bone in the coldest water I’ve ever felt in my life! Apparently JC had a talk with Wayne and suggested changing the pyro to water to symbolize water pressure, considering we were playing beneath a bunch of pipes. I did my best to keep going through the song. I wouldn’t be surprised if a look of shock was seen on my face at the end of the video.

“You are l-l-lucky I’m too c-c-cold to k-kill you right now!” I snarled as JC grinned at me. “This has your name wr-wr-written all over it!”

“This, my little friend, was payback for dumping water on me to wake me up,” he said, flicking my nose. I wrinkled my nose and then twisted my head, successfully hitting him in the face with my wet hair. “I think I deserved that,” he said with a little laugh.

“Yah think?” I replied, squeezing my hair out onto the tarp covered floor. “Can I get a towel?” I asked, squeezing the hem of my shirt, just then noticing that it clung to my body.

“Here ya go,” Gabe said, holding a towel out to me. I laughed at his blond hair, which was sticking up all over the place. “I don’t know about you, but I’m glad we did that in one take.”

“I know, imagine if we had to do it again!” I agreed. “I’d definitely kill you,” I added, turning to JC.

“Relax, you don’t have to do it again so I can keep my life and you can be happy that you’re finished for the day.” He took the towel out of my hands and dropped it on my head. Before I could even protest he started drying my head. Gabe took another towel and wrapped it around my shoulders. I clung onto the towel that was around my shoulders and tilted my head. JC scrunched his fingers in the towel, squeezing out the water in my hair, being extremely gentle as he made sure all of it was dry. “Better?” He asked, running his fingers through my hair.

I felt heat rising to my cheeks under his intense gaze. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I ducked out from under his hand. “Thanks,” I added.

“Don’t sound so grateful,” he said sarcastically.

“Ac-hem!” I whipped my head around and saw Bobbie standing there, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrows were raised. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Nope,” I replied, shaking my head. “Nothing going on here. Thanks for sticking around JC, but I think I can managed getting back by myself. See ya!” I high-tailed it out of there and back to the dressing room. Codie shrieked when I yanked open the door and slammed it shut behind me.

“Give a girl a warning!” She cried out, dancing around a little on spot to get her pants on her hips. “Ok, I’m all done. Whenever you guys are ready, I’ll get Gabe.”

“What’s with you?” Sevvie asked, peering at my face.

“What? Is something on my face?” I asked, rubbing my cheeks, hoping to cover the red that still didn’t go away.

“No, you look freaked,” she replied. “What’s up?”

“Heh heh, this place is kinda creepy,” I replied, tugging off the damp shirt and pulling on the t-shirt I wore earlier. I ran a hand through my hair and pushed my bangs out of my face, pausing, remembering the feeling on JC’s fingers moving through my hair. So gentle and tender and…

I shook my head.

What the hell?

February 25th, 1998
New York, NY

There are a bunch of different sounds you get used to when you start travelling by bus again. The sound of the engine roaring every time the bus starts up, which then turns into a low, and soothing hum which helps you get to sleep. Then there’s the sound of the guys yelling at Joey for changing the channel on the bus TVs. (For some reason the TV in the front lounge and back lounge are connected so if you change the channel on one, it changes the channel on the other). Add in snoring from JC’s random naps, Lance talking on the phone, and the music I’m always playing and you have ‘N Sync bus life.

The guys started their promo tour a few days ago, which meant it was back to the cramped bus but I loved it. It was like a home away from home. I got my usual bunk, in the middle at eyelevel, below Justin, above Chris, and across from Lance. Like usual I spent most of my time in the back lounge either watching TV with Joey and Chris, talking with Lance, playing guitar or video games with Justin, and avoiding JC all together.

Well, I didn’t avoid him on purpose it just happened. And he was with his girlfriend most of the time so it wasn’t like he missed me anyway. It gave me more time to hang with Joey, Chris, and Lance. I feel like I neglect them sometimes, which is why I love the bus life. More time to spend with each other and get to know each other on a personal level.

Which solidified the fact that hearing ‘uh-oh’ on a bus is not a good thing.

Especially if it comes from Justin.

“Hey Just, are you ok in there?” I called from the ‘kitchen’ table, looking up from my tentative set list. Currently it was a piece of lined notebook paper filled with a bunch of scribbles and ineligible writing. Justin was moving around in the bathroom and he just uttered those dreaded two words. What made it worse was that Lance was in there with them, both planning on dying their hair.

“Yeah…um…I’m fine,” he called. It was quickly followed by Lance’s laughter. “What’re you laughin’ at, Ghost Boy?” Justin grumbled.

“Ok, open the door,” I ordered, putting down my pen.

“Um, something tells us we’re safer in here,” Lance replied.

“James, the door!” I tapped my foot and waited for the bathroom door to open.

“Ooh, what’d they do?” Joey asked eagerly, running a comb through his short hair. He had recently decided to let his facial hair grow, which brought out the Italian in him and made him hotter, if I do say so myself.

“Something with hair dye and the words ‘uh-oh’,” I replied.

“It can’t be as bad as Chris’s cheese puff hair,” Joey pointed out.

“We’ll see.”

Finally the door opened and Justin and Lance stepped out. I didn’t know whether to laugh or look at them in horror. The sides of Justin’s hair was brown but the top…was the problem. It was bright blonde and curly with little peeks of brown. It looked like…

“Ramen!” Chris laughed, pointing at Justin’s head. “You look like you have ramen on your head!”

“Look who’s talking, Pineapple Head,” Justin grumbled, tugging at his hair.

“Lance, um, your hair looks see through,” Joey stated. I then looked over at Lance and saw that Joey was right. With Lance’s Florida-tanned skin his bright hair looked funny in contrast.

“How…how did you possibly manage to do that?” I finally managed to find my voice.

“Um…we left it in too long,” Justin replied. “It’s not that bad, right?” He asked, looking at me.

“Let me put it this way, I’d voluntarily go through a huge tub of bleach to dye my hair the brightest blue possible to take attention away from your hair,” I replied. “And I hate bleaching my hair.”

“I think you’d look good as a blonde,” Joey told me.

“It’s not that, it hurts like crazy and it takes forever to go back,” I replied with a wave of my hand. “Well, maybe no one will notice. Just do me a favor: don’t dye your hair without me ever again.”

“Why?” Justin asked, rubbing a towel on his head.

“’Cause unlike you I actually read the instructions.” I walked around their heads, taking in the sight at different angles but, no matter which way I turned it still looked horrible. “Umm, maybe you guys should wear hats for a few days.”

“No, might as well make them get over their public humiliation now,” Chris replied, tying a white bandana down over his dreads.

“And you’d know that first hand, huh?” Justin asked.

Chris flipped Justin off and finished tying the knot at the back of his head and then turned his attention to the papers I left on the kitchen table. “What’s this, our shopping list?” He asked, picking it up. “Hey, you didn’t put candy on here, that’s the important part. It’s staple food!”

“That’s my—currently non-existent—set list,” I replied, snatching it out of his hand.

“Oh, well, when are you going to go shopping?”

I put my hands on my hips. “Christopher Alan, what makes you think I’m going shopping for you guys? You’re perfectly capable to get your asses off this bus for anything other than work.”

“Yeah, but you always know what we need.”

“I’m not your mother!”

“Mind lowering the volume on this cage match?” JC asked sleepily. We all turned to look at him as he shuffled out of the bunk area, rubbing one eye with his palm and yawning. His hair remained ungelled and had a messy-sleepy look to it. “What’s wrong now?”

“Chris implied that I would do the shopping for you guys just because I’m a girl,” I replied. “What would your girlfriend think?”

“She’d think you’re blowing a gasket,” Chris replied, holding his hands up and backing away. “I was just funnin’ ya.”

“Chris, leave her alone. Can’t you see she’s stressed? She doesn’t need you adding onto it,” JC grumbled, tilting at the waist to look into the refrigerator. I stuck my tongue out at Chris. He reached out his hand to pinch my tongue and I ducked behind Joey and Lance, using them as a human shield. A second later JC let out a groan. “Ok, who drank all the milk and didn’t replace the carton?” He demanded, shaking the empty jug.

Instinctively we all turned to look at Justin who was tugging at a bright-blond curl while looking in one of Joey’s hand-held mirrors (his ‘face-sculpting mirror’ as he called it). He lowered the mirror and looked up at us, blinking innocently. “Wha…I didn’t do it!” He cried out.

“Justin, you eat your cereal with a ladle ‘cause you use such a big bowl. It has your name written all over it,” JC replied, shaking the empty carton again and then tossing it into the already overflowing trashcan.

We’ve been on this bus for a few days and all ready they let the place go. If someone were to record the things we say on this bus you’d hear me yelling at one of them at least three times a day about being slobs or leaving something for me to trip over.

“Fine, I’ll go shopping later,” I sighed in defeat, dropping back onto the kitchen chair I had been perched on before.

“Thanks Honeybee,” JC said with a grateful smile.

“Yeah yeah,” I mumbled. Anything to get this set list done. I was supposed to have it done a week ago, as well as some of my overdue homework, but I was constantly in a time crunch. I can’t do everything, I’m not Supergirl.

“You mind telling us what we’re doing today?” Lance asked, sitting down on the couch and picking up a random magazine from the small side table.

“Umm…” I reached into the bag by my feet and pulled out my planner. I flipped a few pages until I got to today’s date. “You have a taping at the RuPaul show in…” I tilted my wrist to look at my watch, “…about two hours. Then you have a photoshoot, soundcheck, free time, dinner, and then your promo show. You should have time between for lunch, though. But you might want to get your showers in now.”

“Might want to get our vocals in first,” JC said, stopping Chris and Justin’s little wrestle fight to get to the shower.

“What’s the point? You sing in the shower anyway,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, but I don’t want four other guys standing in there with me.”

“Pretty sure none of them would want that horrible image either. It’d give ‘em nightmares for sure.”

The guys let out loud ‘oohs’.

“Get your cheap shots in while you can,” JC said, wiggling a finger in my face.

“Oh, don’t worry. You’ll hear ‘em day and night until I leave. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I looked at my watch again. “Ok, here’s the deal. The bus’ll drop me off at the Jive building—I have a meeting with Liam and some execs—and then it’ll take you to the RuPaul show. I’ll catch a cab to take me to the RuPaul show, go to your photoshoot and rehearsal. Pick up stuff from the grocery store, then we’ll have dinner, check into the hotel, see the sights, and then crash back at the hotel,” I said all in one breath, trying to make sure I didn’t forget anything.

“You? Take a cab?” Justin repeated. “Mack, you avoid taxis like the plague.”

“I’m being cautious,” I replied.

“You’re being paranoid,” Joey corrected.

“There are freaky people out there. It’s why I have Eric and Todd with me,” I added, nodding at my two bodyguards. “They’ll keep me safe.”

“And out of trouble,” JC stressed.

When JC’s back was I turned I gave Eric and Todd an annoyed look. They chuckled and turned their attention back to the TV that was playing some sports highlights. While the guys shuffled to the back lounge to get some practice in I jumped into the shower. God knows if I waited for them to finish there’d be no hot water left. Joey was infamous for taking the longest showers on the planet and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it today.

Almost as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom after changing I was shoved out of the way as Chris hurtled himself into the bathroom, laughing like a maniac the entire way in. “Geeze, Kirkpatrick, watch where you’re going!” I grumbled getting off the bus floor. “Thanks for the help,” I added to Eric and Todd.

“We didn’t see anything,” Todd said innocently.

“Yeah, right.” I brushed off the seat of my pants and stumbled again when we took a turn, this time crashing into JC. Him of all freakin’ people.

He grabbed onto my elbows to steady me as I managed to get back onto my feet. “You ok?” He asked. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek. I squirmed and managed to get out of his grasp.

“Yeah, ‘m fine,” I mumbled. “Where’s my jacket?” I asked no one in particular and practically dove into my bunk. The only thing I disliked about New York was how cold it was in February. I don’t like wearing jackets, sweatshirts I’m fine with. But ‘Daddy C’ insists that I wear a freakin’ jacket and what ‘Daddy C’ says goes. It’s like an unwritten rule. I swear he abuses that power, especially with J and I.

I paused and felt my cheeks. Yep, they were warm, just as I expected. They seemed to be doing that a lot whenever I was near JC. Grumbling, I fumbled around my sheets for my gloves and hat. Just as I jumped down from my bunk, my jacket and hat and gloves in my hands, I could hear the faint sounds of Backstreet’s “Quit Playing Games” coming from the radio. That song was annoyingly ironic. It seriously bugged me how I couldn’t get away from those guys lately. It’s as if they were following me around.

“You got everything?” Chris asked as I dropped my winter gear on the floor and started pulling on my gloves. “ID? Wallet? Phone? Extra change?”

“Yup, got it all,” I replied, pulling my beanie down over my head.

“Maybe you want to change pants,” JC commented, nodding at my baggy jeans. I didn’t have to look down to know what he was talking about. I decided to pair my black and blue plaid button-down shirt with my favorite pair of jeans, the ones with the holes all over ‘em.

“Nah, I’m fine. I’m wearin’ stockings under them,” I replied, bending my knee to show the bright red material.

“Since when do you willingly wear stockings?” Justin asked.

“Since when do you care what I wear?” I asked in return, putting my arms into the jacket that Joey was holding up for me. “Thanks Joe,” I chirped, zipping it up and buttoning it.

“I don’t, I’m just curious.”

“Curiosity killed the cat.” I paused and added, “Unless you’d rather me go without ‘em and show my legs off. I mean, they are amazing. Dancing has done me good.” Justin’s lip twitched and his eyes squinted slightly. I loved being able to push his buttons, it was a bonus that JC seemed annoyed as well. Todd and Eric were laughing to themselves as the bus slowed down and shuddered to a stop across the street from the Jive building. “Oh, that’s me. I’ll call you guys when I’m done and on my way,” I said as the driver, Randy, opened the doors. I grabbed my bag, shoving my planner in it, and quickly gave them all hugs. I almost face-planted while jumping off the bus stairs but I managed to catch my balance on the sidewalk.

“Be careful crossing the street,” JC yelled out the doors.

“Right, ‘cause I don’t have two brick walls on my side,” I mumbled under my breath as Todd and Eric lumbered off of the bus. I took their elbows and they walked me across the street, easily dodging the hectic New York traffic. “Tell me, boys, do I have finger marks around my neck? ‘Cause they’re suffocating me.”

“They just don’t know how to react around a developing woman,” Todd replied as we entered the building. “Don’t let it get under your skin. At least they care, right? It’s better than them ignoring you.”

“I guess.” I sighed and stretched my sore legs. Note to self: don’t sit down for too long on the bus. “So, do I really need you guys around? I mean, I’m pretty sure no mad man is going to come running in here in the next few seconds, especially in this weather.”

“Sorry, Little Girl, we’re under orders,” Eric chuckled.

I squinted. Something smelled fishy. “Whose orders, exactly?”

“Johnny’s orders.”

“Are you sure?”

“You’re stuck with us, whether you like it or not,” Todd said. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way. And let me tell you, the easy way will be more enjoyable.” He winked and I smiled a little.

“Yeah, ok.”

Eric walked over to the receptionist’s desk and asked when we were allowed into the conference room. The lady said she’d call us, which meant that it could be a while. I started pacing as the time ticked by, wondering what it was exactly that Liam wanted to talk about. Did my songs tank? Did he want to drop me from the label already? What. Did. He. Want?

“God, this wait is killing me!” I cried out, causing Eric to jump.

“It’s only been five minutes,” he pointed out.

A giggle filled my ears, one that instantly broke a smile onto my face. “Man, don’t y’all know? She’s the most impatient person in the whole world. I mean, goodness,” Britney commented, lightly knocking my shoulder with hers.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked, giving her a side hug. “Not that I’m not happy to see you.”

“Recording as always,” she replied, tucking her brown hair behind her ears and flashing her pearly whites. “I’m flying out to Germany in a couple of days to record there.”

“With Max Martin, right?” I asked.

She nodded. “How’d you know?”

“I recorded some stuff with him,” I explained. “But, considering time, we flew him out here instead of me going out there.”

“Oh that’s cool. I can’t wait.” Then she excitedly grabbed my arm, her brown eyes shining. “I heard your song on the radio!” She squealed.

My heart about stopped at that moment. “No way. It was released only about a week ago.”

“I know your voice when I hear it,” she laughed. “It was you and it was great. The song really matched your voice. I got my mom and everyone else to listen to it as well. They’re proud of you, they also say ‘hi’.”

I grinned. “How’s Jamie Lynn?”

“A big drama queen as always.” Then she laughed. “No, she’s good. Getting good grades in school and having the time of her life being normal. Didja know she’s a cheerleader now? She is. It’s so cute!” She paused. “Wait, what are you doing here? I thought you were getting ready for your tour, which I am totally jealous of, by the way.” Before I could even speak she looped her arm with mine. “Walk and talk, girl,” she ordered and we started walking.

Eric and Todd got up and followed us down the winding halls. Along the way we passed by plaque after plaque from Jive’s artists. Gold. Platinum. Double Platinum. Even a few diamonds here and there. I wondered if I would ever see myself up on that wall. It’s like every day goes by the more real this becomes.

“I’m with the guys,” I explained, finally answering her question. “I’m going around with them on their promo tour until mid March when I fly out to Ireland.”

“Ooh, jetsetter,” she teased. I gave her a smile but she frowned. She’s always been one to read people like a book. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” I replied, shrugging.

“Now, girl, you can’t keep things from me. Once we make it big the only thing we’ll have left is each other.”

“What about Christina? She’ll be mad if we leave her out,” I pointed out.

She nodded. “Her too. We have to stick together and that means we can’t keep secrets.”

We turned a corner and continued walking aimlessly. “It’s just…part of me wants to run and hide,” I sighed. “Make things go back to normal. I wish time would just…either rewind or stop all together and I was just stuck in one moment.”

Britney was silent for a second. “Why are you so scared?” She asked quietly. “You’re the bravest, most fearless person I know.”

I smirked. “I just hide it well, I’m afraid of a lot of things. I just don’t like people knowing.” I scratched my head. “It’s just…I don’t like not knowing what I’m doing. I don’t like having something in my life be out of my control. I…I couldn’t stop my brothers from…you know. I couldn’t stop my parents’ divorce. I couldn’t stop my dad from getting cancer. I can’t…I can’t handle not having a grasp on things.” I hated the way she was looking at me, the way they were all looking at me. Like I’m some sort of pity case just because my freakin’ life was falling apart at the seams and I had to scramble around and try and pull it all together.

“Mack—“she started.

I interrupted her. “Hey, out of curiosity, why won’t you see the guys?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Britney started.

I shrugged. “No subject to change. You asked what I was doing here, now I wanted to ask you that. You never see them every time we come to New York for some reason. Justin and JC get upset when I say that you’re busy.”

“I am,” she huffed.

“Don’t get pissy at me, Miss Britney,” I said, wagging a finger in her face.

“I told you before, I don’t want to see them until I’ve made something of myself,” she sighed.

“You’re doing that now, aren’t you? You know them, they’ll be proud of whatever you accomplish.”

“I know, I know.” She scuffed her sneaker. “So…how are those two doing?”

“When they’re not bugging the crap out of me?” Eric made a sound in his throat. When I looked back at him he quickly lifted his dark sunglasses back on his face. Eric and Todd reminded me of the Secret Service with their dark sunglasses and dark clothes. Only more menacing ‘cause they were bigger. “They’re doing great. They’re very dedicated to their band; you can see it in their eyes. It’s like…they’d fall apart if they didn’t have this.”

“I get what you mean, I feel the same way,” Britney said, nodding. “It’s like…I need to perform to be able to function.”

“That’s dancing for me,” I agreed. I paused. “You know, it’s funny we’re a lot alike.”

“Yeah? How so?”

“Well, our accents for once,” I laughed, putting more emphasis on my accent. She threw her head back and laughed loud. “And we both started dancing when we were young. You did gymnastics and I did a little bit. We were in dance competitions. We like performing and now we’re both here, signed to the same record label and getting our music out.”

“Yeah. But the media will probably tear us apart because of our similarities.”

“Which is why we need to rely on each other—and Chrissy—if we ever read anything. Talk to each other about it just to make sure everything’s all right.”

“Deal. Now, what do you mean by Justin getting on your nerves? Him of all people, you two are so close you’re like one person.”

For the next half hour we continued walking around, talking about anything and everything, comparing our hometowns to see how alike or different they were. Then, like always, we reverted back to talking about MMC and all the good times that we shared and how she wished I had been part of the cast with them. When we made it to the lobby again Liam was waiting for me with a steaming mug in his hands and a warm smile on his face.

“Oh, looks like my meeting’s ready,” I said sadly. I didn’t want to leave her all ready. “Bummer.”

“I know. How long are you here?”

“Until the 28th I think.

“Good, I’m still around. We can go shopping.” She gave my hand a squeeze.

“That sounds good. Call me, ok?”

“Ok, see ya.”

She gave me a quick hug and bounced off, in the way that only Britney could manage. God, I missed her energy. I accepted the mug in Liam’s hand with a nod and then took a sip. Warm apple cider, my favorite drink of the winter. “Thanks,” I said once I licked my lips and the let out a breath. “So, we ready?”

“Yep, follow me.” I quickly grabbed my forgotten bag and followed him down the halls. Once again I studied the many plaques on the wall while following him. As we neared an office door I heard muffled talking on the other side and my eyebrows crinkled together. I was under the impression that’d it be just us talking, who else could be here?

And my answer was the sound of loud laughter, a chant of “Go! Go! Go!”, and a basic scene of chaos. I stood in the doorway, lifting my eyebrow, while watching AJ and Nick lean back in their chairs, guzzling Mountain Dew. Nick was the first to slam down his can and then he let out a loud burp which sounded like he was singing the end of the chorus of “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”.

“Really?” I muttered. “First it was my damn dressing room and then it’s every time I turn on the radio, that time on the bus, and now here. I swear, they’re following me.” I looked up when I noticed all the sound in the room had stopped and everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. Well, I was just talking to myself…out loud…in a room full of people. “Sorry,” I muttered.

Brian and Kevin exchanged a look and Howie shuffled nervously in his seat. Nick wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and AJ’s fingers tapped on the side of his can. All of them were looking right at me, without blinking. It was starting to freak me out. Johnny and Liam had left the room to talk about God knows while I, being the idiot that I was, stood by the door…looking like an idiot.

Geeze, this silence is deafening. “Is there something on my face or am I exceptionally good looking today?” I asked, dropping my bag in the nearest chair.

Brian laughed while Nick and Kevin cracked smiles. “Still full of yourself, I see,” he commented.

“Now there’s a huge difference between confidence and cockiness, Bri-Bri.” I paused and offered a smile. “But it doesn’t apply to me ‘cause I’m confidently cocky.”

This time all of ‘em laughed except AJ. The only thing he did was crush his soda can with his hand and lean back in his chair. Kevin was the first to walk over to my side of the table and give me a kiss on the cheek in greeting. Always the gentleman. I guess my tactics of lowering the awkward level worked because the rest of them followed suit.

All of 'em have changed in looks a bit over time but Nick by far was the one that sent a startling jolt through me. He got a bit taller, standing at six feet now, maybe a bit taller. He grained a bit more weight judging by his face shape but it feit his body well. His hair was long like before but now it seemed to be parted in a gelled wave with the tips falling into his eyes. He looked...good.

I blinked and felt heat rush to my cheeks when it came to my attention that I had been staring a bit too much. Geeze, stupid hormones! “So how have you fine boys been?” I asked, sitting down and folding my hands over my stomach. My eyes flickered over them and rested on Nick briefly.

Emphasis on fine.

“Pretty good,” Howie replied.

“Vacation’s been treatin’ you well, then?”

“It was much needed,” Kevin said.

“Yeah, he actually slept a whole day and didn’t worry about anything,” Brian added.

“Did the world end? You, Kevin Richardson, didn’t worry?” I asked with as much disbelief I could muster.

“Ha ha,” Kevin laughed sarcastically. “Your little vacation treated you well, I see.”

I laughed. “You can hardly call the past few weeks a vacation for me, but thanks anyway.” I then snapped my fingers. “Thanks for the flowers, too.”

“What flowers?” Howie asked innocently.

“Don’t play dumb around me, Howard. I know the flowers on my premiere night were from you guys.” They chuckled and looked at each other. “You could’ve at least left your name.”

“We didn’t know how you’d react…considering.”

I nodded and waved my hand, brushing the past away. “Just makes me wonder how you knew white roses were my favorite flowers.”

“You told us,” AJ finally spoke up. I lifted my eyebrows.

“Last summer, during rehearsals. Remember? Brian was ordering flowers for Leighanne to cheer her up and you said you’d wish someone would send you flowers for no reason. You said white roses were your favorite,” Nick spoke up.

“And you guys actually remembered that?” They shrugged modestly. “Shoot, first time anyone’s actually paid attention to what I’ve said to ‘em.” Then I remembered something. “Oh yeah, did you like your Valentine’s Day stuff?”

“Yeah!” Nick said excitedly. “Where’d you find the Beanie Baby?”

“I think the better question is why you willingly collect them,” AJ corrected him.

And just like that we were talking just like we were back in the summer, like nothing was wrong at all. Brian kept cracking jokes, Kevin seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing, and all of them vied for my attention, except Nick. He was quieter than usual, which was extremely odd. Over the summer we were practically joined at the hip ‘cause we always got picked on by the others but now he wasn’t even looking at me.

Finally Johnny and Liam came back in and the meeting started. They went into extensive detail about their plans for the tour, the places we were going to go, the TV stations, radio stations, and other events we’d go to whenever we had the chance. I sat back and wrote down everything they said to give myself an idea of how busy I would be. I knew tour life was tough but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I stayed quiet for most of the meeting and let the Backstreet Boys take the lead (they knew more about this stuff than I did, after all), but I gave my input from time to time, such as when they offered to give me my own bus, which I turned down (I didn’t mind sharing space), and what I wanted to include on my rider.

The meeting started to wind down when Kevin had to constantly tell Nick to stop fidgeting and messing with AJ.

“Hold on, Nick, we’re almost finished,” Johnny chuckled, taking everything in stride. “Now, how old are you now, Mackenzie?” Johnny asked me.

“Sixteen,” I replied.

“Ok, considering you’re underage you’re going to need to have a guardian travel with you,” he pointed out. “We could negotiate that you can travel on your own when you’re seventeen or eighteen, but right now you’re going to need a guardian. Do you think either of your parents could come with you?”

I bit my thumbnail. “Um, no,” I replied. “My mom has to get back to work and my dad’s, um, too sick.”

“Any aunts or uncles? Family friends?” Liam questioned.

“Aunt Abbey, maybe,” I replied.

“Ok, I’ll give her a call later,” Liam said, jotting down a note. “Now, are you ready to hear how your singles did?”

I sat up straighter and nodded like a bobble-head, making the others laugh. “Lay it on me, Liam.”

“Ok,” he turned the page of his notebook and looked at me, a large smile on his face. I was about ready to jump out of this chair and attack him if he didn’t tell me. He cleared his throat and stalled a bit more for time.

“Liam, I swear to God—“

“Ok, ok. Relax.” He cleared his throat one more time for good measure. “Ok, “Naturally” first. In one week it reached number six in Finland, five in Sweden, and three in France.” He paused and scribbled something. “In Ireland, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Switzerland it debut at number two. And in Austria, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Germany and Norway it debuted at…number…one.”

“Holy Hell and hot sauce,” I muttered as my heart jumped. He had to be shitting me. Number one!? Seriously? I wanted to do back handsprings down the long table, but I waited to hear the results for “Pressure” first.

“Keep in mind we released it to less markets, but “Pressure” reached number three on the UK charts, number seven in New Zealand, number six in Mexico, debuted at number two in Canada, and number one on US Billboard Adult Contemporary, Hot 100, Alternative, and Mainstream Top 40.” My ears buzzed, I couldn’t hear anything that anyone else was saying. This…I didn’t even know how to react so I just sat there, my mouth hanging open like a trap door. And when I thought that was it he added, “And you’re the first female singer to take the number one and two spots on the Canadian charts with two different debut singles.”

“Aren’t you excited?” Johnny asked with a laugh, noticing the look on my face.

“Excited is an understatement,” I replied. “No, I’m…ready to bounce off the walls. It just hasn’t hit me yet. Just wait, I won’t get any sleep tonight.” My eyes flickered across the table at the smiling Boys. Even AJ was smiling underneath his sunglasses. I gave a little nod of thanks.

“Ok, one more thing.” Johnny leaned forward and clasped his hands together, looking us each dead in the eye before speaking. “I know you all heard about the Kissimmee Tornado Outbreak recently.” Hell, who hasn’t? Once we heard it on the news two days ago we were all on our phones trying to get a hold of our family and friends in the area. They were all safe, thank God, with minimal damage to homes and property. “It’s the biggest tragedy that Florida has ever dealt with and there’s a relief effort going on called ‘Orlando Bands Together’. It’s a benefit concert to help raise money for those who lost their homes and—”

“We’ll do it,” Kevin spoke up before Johnny could even finish. I nodded in agreement. “Orlando is our home, we wouldn’t second guess this. We’ll do it.”

“Me too,” I agreed. I clicked my tongue. “Am I allowed to start running up and down the hall now?” The others laughed but I was being completely serious. I couldn’t sit still much longer.

“Go ahead,” Liam replied.

“Woooohooooo!” I cheered, jumping out of my seat and taking off down the hallway.

This was the best day of my life!

I bounced on my toes along with the ending music for the RuPaul show. It’s funny, it kinda sounds like an ‘N Sync song. Oops, they’re known as *NSYNC now, at least that’s what their new logo looks like now. It was amazing seeing RuPaul standing next to them, she (he) was so tall! I don’t know if it was from the heels or if she (he) was that tall to begin with. Either way, her (his) height put Justin and JC to shame, and Justin grew like a beanstalk in the past couple of years.

“What’d you think?” Justin asked as soon as the guys walked over to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground, spinning me around.

“I think you guys should’ve run your outfits by me before you set foot off that bus,” I replied once he put me down. “Metallic vests. Seriously? JC’s legs look like toothpicks!”

“I meant the performance, Dummy.”

“You guys were great as always,” I replied as Justin slung his arm around my shoulders.

“Did you hear Baby J’s voice?” Joey laughed and then imitated the portion where Justin’s voice had cracked. I chuckled. I had noticed it but didn’t want to bring it up.

“Sounds like my little Ramen Head’s still dealing with puberty,” I laughed, ruffling his hair. “The girls in the audience seemed to like you guys though. A few of them said that they loved Lance’s babyface.” Lance blushed and Joey pinched his cheek. “Chris, nice pop and lock section. Joey, tune down the ham a little bit. And C, for the love of God, try not to show off all the damn time. We all know you have a great voice so save the hyperness for the stage, mmk?” I raised a hand before he could speak. “And now onto a more important topic—“

“What’s a more important topic?” JC asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Me, duh!” I replied.

“Yeah, ‘duh’, JC,” Chris said, reaching up and slapping the back of JC’s head. “She’s only the Queen of the Universe.”

“Ha ha.” I rolled my eyes. “Now, why didn’t one of you introduce me to Joey Lawrence, huh? He’s like the hottest guy on the planet!”

“And here I was hoping those words would never come out of your mouth,” Justin grumbled, flicking my ear.

“Geeze, Just, it’s not like I’m going to jump the next guy with a penis on the street,” I mumbled. “Anyway, I have awesome news for you guys!”

“You’re going to be quiet for a full day?” JC asked hopefully.

“Fine, I won’t give you my news then,” I pouted.

“Well, you’re bursting at the seams so you might as well tell us.”

Then everything flowed out of me before I could even stop myself, I was too excited. Their eyes all lit up as I repeated what Liam had told me. Joey picked me up and spun me around wildly and then carried me out the studio. I quickly grabbed my coat and pulled it back on and stood around with the guys as we waited for our bodyguards to come out. Honestly, I didn’t really think we needed ‘em considering they were still kinda obscure but Johnny wanted to make sure.

“So where do you guys want to go?” I asked, pulling my hat lower on my ears.

“You can choose,” Joey offered. “Today’s your day.”

“Don’t give her too much power, her head will explode with the possibilities,” Justin laughed.

“J, do you need your scarf tightened?” I asked, reaching for his neck. He slapped my hands away and jumped behind JC who laughed. “Ok, let’s see. We could go to the Rockefeller Center and ice-skate maybe. Or we could go to the Empire State Building. No, but I want to see Central—OH YEAH!” I yelled, interrupting my rant. The others laughed while exchanging glances and I looked at them all, excitedly. “Can we go to FAO Schwarz? Please, pretty please?” I begged, bouncing up and down on my toes.

“Easy to please, are we?” Lance asked.

“She’s like a little puppy,” Chris added.

“Oh, yeah? Can we go there?” Justin asked as well, ignoring their comments.

“Why not?” JC shrugged.

“Yes!” I cheered, punching my fists into the air. “And away we go! But first, I need the biggest soft pretzel that New York has to offer.” I grabbed looped my arm with Joey’s. “Lead the way, Joseph!”

I could barely contain my excitement as we walked through the streets of New York. Sure, I’ve been there about a billion times before but nothing beat going to FAO fucking Schwarz. We stopped at a pretzel stand on the corner, which JC was hesitant about, but we finally convinced him to get one.

As soon as we made it inside FAO Schwarz I wanted to take off in every direction. The place was so cool and so big! Well, I’m not that tall, but still! Flashing lights and buzzing sounds and toys were everywhere. But what I really wanted to see was that big piano. We pushed through the crowd that surrounded the piano where a young looking boy and girl were demonstrating how to play songs on it. They jumped and lunged and tapped on the piano with so much ease it boggled my mind.

After the demonstration they allowed people to play on it. I turned to ask if Justin wanted to try it out with me but he and the rest of the guys were nowhere to be seen. I stood on my tiptoes and looked around, groaning when I saw that Chris, Justin, Lance, and Joey were having a race on mini tricycles and JC was waving a checkered flag. Never in my life have I wanted to claim that I didn’t know them. Even Todd and Eric stood around like they weren’t associated with them.

“Did you want to try the piano out?” The guy asked me, a half smile gracing his ridiculously red lips. I could only manage a nod as he lead me over to the big piano. “D you want to learn “Chopsticks”? It’s the easiest song.”

“You better not be saying that just to see me make a fool of myself,” I grumbled.

He laughed. Bless his heart, his laugh was the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life. “I would never do that, I promise,” he said, placing a hand on his heart and the other in the air. “I’m Cody,” he added, holding out his hand.

“Mackenzie, Mack for short,” I replied, shaking his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you ‘Mack for short’,” he joked. “You have pretty eyes.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, giving him a smile. Don’t turn red. Don’t turn red. Don’t turn red!

“Ok, put your feet here and here,” he directed me, pointing. I moved my feet. “Now hop six times.” I did as he said. “Now put your feet here, and hop six times again.” He stood back and watched as I followed his instructions. “You’re picking this up fast. Do you dance by any chance?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?” I asked as I pushed my hair out of my face.

He smiled and my heart revved. “Once can tell. Where are you from? Your accent’s kinda think,” he said, jumping onto the piano with me. I wasn’t playing anything in particular now, just watching as the keys lit up under my feet.

“Memphis,” I replied. “But I live in Orlando now. What about you?”

“From here,” he replied, nodding out the windows. “I don’t think I could ever leave this place. I like the atmosphere.”

I made a face. “A little too much of hurry-up-and-wait if you ask me.”

“Your mind’ll probably change the longer you’re here.”

“Oh, is that a fact?”

“Maybe.” He had a teasing look in his eye. “How long are you here?” He asked suddenly, stepping on random keys, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“’Till Friday.”

“Cool. Forgive me if I’m being too forward but do you maybe want to meet up? I know—“

“Hey Mack!” I cringed at Justin’s outburst. Cody’s eyebrows crinkled together a bit and his eyes lifted over my head. Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t… “You gotta see this!” Justin said, grabbing my arm, a large smile on his face. “You have to see what Chris is doing.”

“If it’s anything burp, fart, or bodily related it can wait,” I replied through clenched teeth.

“But this is really funny!”

“Justin! Not now!”

Justin looked up and I saw his eyes harden. Oh boy, here we go. Soon Good Cop is going to come scurrying along and ruin this for me. Justin stood at full height and looked at Cody. Cody stood his ground and looked right back at Justin. I backed out of the way. I could practically see the sparks flying out of their eyes.

“Uhh, Justin, this is Cody. Cody, this is my friend Justin,” I muttered, pointing at each one.

“’Sup?” Cody asked, lifting his head.

“Not much,” Justin replied. His tone was steely. I’ve never heard it before. It made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. He turned his eyes to me. “Let’s go.”

“But Justin—“

“You’re busy. I shouldn’t hold you up.” Cody gave me a tight lipped smile. “I guess I’ll see you whenever you swing back around, yeah?”

I nodded and watched as he walked away, feeling my heart sink. “Why did you do that?” I demanded, turning to Justin.

He lifted his eyebrows. “Don’t tell me you were actually interested in that guy,” he scoffed.

“He was about to ask me out!”

“And if he liked you enough he wouldn’t have let me stop him, now would he?” Then his face relaxed and he grinned, like he didn’t even care that he just pissed me off. “Now, you have to see this—“

“I don’t want to see anything,” I interrupted him. “Don’t talk to me, J. Leave me alone.”

Then I turned and stormed off to the nearest bathroom just as my eyes pricked with angry tears.

February 26th

“Wow. I kinda expected Josh would be the one to block you like that, not Justin.”

I scoffed and adjusted my acoustic guitar which sat on my lap and held my phone against my ear tighter. “Don’t you know? They trade off on who freaks out over me trying to get a life. It just so happened to be Justin’s turn,” I grumbled, shoving my guitar pick between the neck and the strings.

Heather sighed. “It’s not like it’s the end of the world, though.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Waddya mean? This is the first time a guy’s been interested in me and he goes and blows it.”

“Yeah, but do you really think you were going to see him again after that day? Especially with your new job?” She questioned. I clicked my tongue. Stupid Chasezs always having to be the voice of reason. “C’mon, Justin was just being Justin. Protecting you in his own weirdly sweet way.  I bet you you’ll write a great song out of this.”

I looked at my guitar in my lap and laughed a little. “How’d you know that that was what I was doing right now?”

“Hey, you are my best friend. I know these things.” She paused. “So are you ok?”

I let out a breath. “Yeah, I guess but I’m not coming out of my room, though. I wouldn’t be responsible if my hand suddenly decides to smash this guitar over his head. I’m staying away for his sake. I’ll just order a carton of ice cream or something.”

“Day off today?”

“I have one; they’re doing interview stuff all day so who knows if I’ll see ‘em.” Then it hit me. “Joshua called you to call me lookin’ for info, didn’t he?”

Heather laughed. “Since when do you call JC ‘Joshua’?”

“Since he doesn’t get his nose out of my business.”

“Maybe. Did he apologize at least?”

“He tried. He made me this gummy bear Twinkie cake thing. Just what I like, a spongey-cake with bundles of sugar.”

Heather laughed. “He’s trying. You can’t stay mad at him forever.”

“And, unfortunately, he knows that. I wouldn’t let him in my room last night, though, so he probably crashed with Josh.”

“Wait wait wait, you two still share a room whenever you’re on tour?”

I rolled my eyes. “You people are making it seem like we’re sleeping together.”

She ignored me. “Well, it’s no wonder he freaks out whenever you talk to a guy.”

I made a face. “He doesn’t like me.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Cause it’s…Justin! That’s just…ew….ew!” I cried out, cringing. “Ugh, no. I can’t even think of it. It’s weird. It’s gross. It’s wrong!”

“It’d explain a lot. I mean, girl, you are a catch. You have eyes, a body, and a personality that I envy—“

“A personality that gets me into trouble more times than not,” I pointed out.

“—and he is a hormone crazed, teenage boy whom you’ve known for ages and grown up with. It’s only a matter of time before your feelings grow up too.”

I put a hand on my stomach. “Stop! You’re making me ill!”

She laughed. “Ok, ok, I’ll stop. For now. Subject change!” I laughed at her announcement. “You’re in New York and you’re not planning on doing anything?”

“Well, maybe go shopping with Britney but otherwise nothing.” I looked up when I heard a knock on the door. “Heather, hold on.” I rested the hotel phone against my shoulder and walked over to the mini hallway to the door. “Who is it?” I called.

“Domino’s Pizza,” a muffled voice yelled back.

“I didn’t order any pizza!”

“Are you sure? There’s a lot of sausage on this side of the door.”

Grumbling, I made my way over to the door only to feel a hard yank. I let out a grunt and was sent flying on my back, the phone still in my hand. I could hear Heather’s hysterical laughter on the line. “Shut up!” I snapped, getting to my feet.

“And you’re supposed to be a dancer!?” She laughed. “Maybe we should start calling you ‘Grace’.”

“I’ll call you back!” I put the phone down and rushed to the door. I stood on my tiptoes and peered through the peephole. Rolling my eyes I unlocked the door. “A lot of sausage?” I repeated, lifting my eyebrow. “Someone thinks highly of themselves.” The teasing smile dropped from my face. “What do you want, AJ?”

February 26th, 1998
New York, NY

“Are you busy?" AJ asked.

“A bit, I’m wallowing in self pity,” I replied. He stared at me. “That was a joke, I’m not busy. Come in.” I moved out of the way and let him into the room. I quickly moved past him and picked up the random clothes that were scattered on the floor. “Sorry about the mess,” I apologized.

“No, it’s all right. You should see Rok’s and Nicky’s room. It looks like a landmine of clothing exploded,” he replied, shoving his hands into his pockets.

I motioned to the bed. “You can sit.”

He shrugged. “I’m fine standing. I just wanted to make sure things are fine between all of us.”

I sighed. “Didn’t we talk about this before? You called me in Memphis and we hashed everything out.” I paused and then squinted at him. “Exactly how did you get that number?”

“It’s an emergency contact thing,” he said with a wave of his hand.”I got it from ‘Tima. Remember? You put your mother’s number as your emergency contact. When you didn’t answer your phone I figured I’d try there.”

“Ah.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Everything’s fine. I’m not mad or anything and you’d know if I were.” I clicked my tongue and added reluctantly, “The flowers kinda won me over.”

He grinned. “And you have me to thank for that.”

“Huh, sounds more like Kevin to me.”

He scoffed. “Kevin’s not the only one who’s thoughtful in the group.”

“Yeah yeah.” I glanced around the room as silence fell. I started fidgeting. I hated awkward silences. I moved to the bed and started fixing it. “Something else is on your mind.”

“Just wanted to know how you’re handling everything. Things are kinda blowing up fast for you.”

“Yeahhhh.” I yanked back the covers on the bed and adjusted the pillows. “I guess I’m handling it fine so far. I mean, I don’t know how to react in a way. Part of me wants to be, like, overwhelmed with joy and everything but, at the same time, I’ve hardly done anything yet and I don’t want to get ahead of myself or else be accused of being conceited or something.”

“If anyone ever thinks that it’d be out of their head the first few minutes they talk to you,” AJ said, fiddling with his sunglasses. “With your track record so far things are going to get crazy and it’s going to get crazy fast. If you ever need a break or a time to breathe or anything you can come to one of us. We got your back.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.” He looked at his phone. “How long are you in New York?”

“The guys have a show tomorrow and then we’re flying out to Texas and then California. I’m coming back to Orlando on the fourteenth and they’re coming back on the fifteenth,” I quickly recited, going over the facts in my head.

“So you don’t have anything planned then?” AJ asked. I shook my head. “We’re planning on having this Backstreet get together cookout on the fourteenth. We have one every time we kick off a tour. Do you want to come?”

“I mean, I kinda wanted to spend some time with my parents…”

“Bring ‘em with you. The more the merrier.”

“I’ll give you a call. Unfortunately Liam is notorious for telling me things at the last minute.”

AJ nodded. “Sounds good.” Then he touched the brim of his baseball cap. “See you later, Frenchie.”

I shook my head and chuckled, “Vous vissez.”

“And I’m going to pretend that I know what you said.” He gave a little salute and left the room. Almost as soon as the door closed my phone rang.

“Oh geeze,” I muttered and dashed to my phone. “Sorry Heather, I almost forgot about you.”

“Yeah, forget the little people,” she commented. I could practically see her rolling her eyes. “I have to hurry anyway, lunch is almost over. Tell Josh that we’re going to be able to fly down to Orlando on the fifteenth, ok? So we’ll just meet him at the airport.”

“Will do. I won’t hold you up. Talk to you later.”

“All right, bye.”

“Bye.” Almost as soon as I hung up my phone rang again. “Hmm, I’m popular today,” I muttered and answered the phone. “Hick’s Taxidermy, you snuff ‘em we stuff ‘em.”

“Ew! Mack, that’s just nasty!” Britney cried out on the other line.

I grinned evilly. “Oh, I have a million of ‘em up my sleeve, Ms. Spears. So what’s up?”

“We were going to go shopping, remember?”

“Right, how could I forget? Ok, just let me leave a note with the guys and then I’ll be right out. Meet me out front of the Hyatt in ten.”

“See you soon, girl. We’re going to shop until we drop!”

~*~*~*~*~

“OK, girl, spill,” Britney said, dropping down in the chair across from me in the food court. I looked up from my burger as she slid the bags off of her arms. She frowned a little and rubbed the little indentions that formed in her arms because of the weight of the bags. All around us shoppers were bustling and milling in and out of stores, as if they were in a race with each other. It was fun watching people shopping, took my mind off of things for a while.

I picked up a French fry and dipped it in my strawberry milkshake. I smiled at the mixture of salty and sweet taste that reached my taste buds as I chewed. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t place innocent with me. You’ve spaced out more times than an astronaut in the last hour.” I laughed at her analogy but she leaned back in her chair and lifted her eyebrows, giving me her best ‘I mean business’ face.

“Don’t be so dramatic.” She grabbed the fry that was in my hands and shoved it into her own mouth, chewing rapidly. I gave her an odd look and reached for the carton but she snatched that out of my hands as well. “Britney, if you know what’s good for you you’d give me my fries back.”

“Look. I’m stuck day and night with no male interaction whatsoever but you have boys coming out of your ears. And if you have a juicy detail or two, I think you should show a little mercy and share it, don’t you?” She demanded.

I leaned back in my seat. “What makes you think this is about a boy?”

She laughed. “Girl, you eat, sleep, and breathe boys with your job. I know a pathetic love look when I see one.”

I smirked. “Still have eyes for Justin, eh?”

Her cheeks bloomed red. “I don’t like Justin.”

“That’s right, you never stopped.” My smile got bigger as she shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t blame you, him being your first kiss and all. You don’t ever forget that guy.”

“It was just a dare,” she grumbled.

“One that I’ll bet you remember every time you think back to your MMC days.”

“Yeah, well, no one forgets their first kiss,” she defended herself. “Even you.”

I took a sip of my milkshake and wiped my mouth. “Hmm, we’ll just have to wait for that moment, now don’t we?”

Her mouth fell open. “You haven’t had your first kiss yet?” She shrieked. A few passing shoppers gave her a look but she ignored them.

“Would you like to announce it over the mall’s PA?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow. “No, I haven’t had the luxury of having my first kiss yet. Well…” I made a face. “Trace kinda stole it from me when I was fourteen but that doesn’t count ‘cause, well, it’s Trace.”

“Wow.” Britney slowly shook her head. “Wow.”

“Thanks for not making me feel like a complete loser, friend.”

“Sorry.” She smiled sheepishly. “I’m just surprised—“

“I got that.”

“—I mean, you’re a catch.”

“Ha!” I shook my head. “That’s you, my friend.” Britney was as sweet as sweet can be. She always used her manners, calling everyone she meets ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’. Her skin is flawless, hair perfectly straight and shiny, and of course she has the pearly white teeth in the perfect smile. She always looked like she came right out of a magazine, no matter how much she denies it. She had a slight baby face but it was cute and something that always grabbed boys’ attention.

Compared to her I was the sidekick. I was only two inches shorter than her but I felt like I was a foot shorter. She had the perfect body to wear crop tops and halters and make it look good. I just looked like a damn mess if I tried, which is why I don’t anymore. Who’d want to be with me if they had the complete package with Brit? I admit that I’m loud, to the point of being obnoxious, and I don’t hesitate to tell people how I feel about them or a situation. Unfortunately it’s ultimately been my downfall in the boy department. It also doesn’t help that I don’t trust guys even if they had a sign on them that said ‘I’m innocent. Trust me.’ I just don’t want to have to deal with the heartbreak that comes with it. It ruined my parents’ marriage after all.

“Oh come on, give yourself some credit,” Britney interrupted my thoughts. “You’re awesome.”

“‘Oh I know that,” I say cockily. She rolls her eyes and grins. “But I have to deal with Good Cop and Bad Cop breathing down my neck 24/7.”

She gave me a sympathetic smile. “JC and Justin can’t be that bad.” I scoffed and told her every instance in which they freaked out on a guy I was talking to for no reason. She listened intently, laughing from time to time and gasping in shock and disbelief in others. In hindsight their reactions were pretty damn funny, especially when JC sat me down and demanded to know what exactly was going on with me and Gabe, who I would never in a million years date. I don’t mix business and pleasure. “They’re just trying to protect you. Bryan’s the same way. Makes me want to pull my hair out, but I know at the end of the day he’s just doing it because he loves me, just like they love you.”

“Yeah yeah, but they need to loosen their reigns. I mean, Justin totally blocked me yesterday.” I paused to take a bite of my forgotten burger. “We went to FAO Schwarz and one of the piano players was totally into me and Justin…pulled a Justin, as Joey and I say.”

“Are you still ticked?” She asked, taking a bite of her burger.

I shrugged. “Nah. I’m over it, a good night’s sleep helped.”

“Well, they’re probably seeing this as a good time to cherish the amount of time you have left,” she said while squirting ketchup on her burger. “Kinda like how mothers don’t want to let their kids go off to college? It’s like that. You’ve been with them from the beginning; they’re like proud fathers watching you go. They can’t let go just yet, they want to hold on tighter, but they’ll let go eventually. You’ll see.” She licked ketchup off of her fingers. “I was talking to Christina earlier—she says hi by the way—and we were saying how sick it would be if we all did a collaboration one day.”

I laughed. “Imagine how chaotic it would be in that sound booth. I can see it now; our managers wouldn’t be able to control us.”

“No one can control us,” she giggled. “We’re a force of nature once we’re together.”

“Unfortunately we won’t be together much.” I lifted my milkshake. “Here’s to our future success.”

“Hear, hear.” We tapped our plastic cups against each other, laughing. “Gosh, who knew in an instant our lives would change so quickly?”

“I know. It feels like just yesterday we were playing hide and seek on set when you visited,” she mused. “Time flies.”

“Yep.”

“Next thing you know we’ll blink and we’ll be married.”

“You’ll be married before me. I think Christina will be married before the both of us, though. I’ll be last. I’m too picky.”

“You can’t tell me you’re not interested in anyone right now.”

“I’m a girl, Brit,” I pointed out, putting my milkshake down. “A sixteen-year-old one at that. Boys in general interest me. I just don’t show it.”

“So who’s the lucky guy?”

I almost flinched when an image of Nick flashed in my head. I must be suffering from lack of sleep. “Basically anyone that pays attention to me,” I replied.

“Kinda like him?” Britney points behind me. I crinkled my eyebrow and turned around to see a little boy pointing in our direction, jumping up and down as if he’s excited about something. His frazzled looking mother was holding onto his hand, talking quickly to him.

“Wonder what that’s about,” I said, turning back around and turning my attention back to my burger. A few seconds later I got my answer by fingers tapping me on the shoulder. “Yeah?” I asked, looking up.

“Hi, I’m sorry to disturb you. It’s just…were you in that Ben Affleck movie? The one that just got released?” The woman asked, pointing at a store. I twisted in my chair and noticed a few movie posters that were hanging off the wall, one of ‘em being our movie.

“Yes, that was me,” I replied.

“I think you were wonderful and I, well, was wondering if I could get your autograph?” The woman smiled sheepishly. I glanced at Britney who nodded enthusiastically. “I hope I’m not being a bother,” she muttered as I took the pen she was holding out to me as well as a scrap piece of paper.

“Not at all.” I wrote down a short message and quickly scribbled my name as well as a heart and a couple of stars and handed the paper and pen back with a smile. “There you go. I’m glad you enjoyed the movie.” I then looked down at the little boy who was hiding behind his mother’s skirt. “Hi sweetie, what’s your name?”

“Zachawy,” he replied, softly.

“Well, Zachary, you don’t have to be so shy. I won’t bite.”

The mother smiled and put a hand on his head. “He really wanted to come over and see you. He’s usually not this shy.”

“Oh, it’s all right. I hope you two have a great day.” I waved to them as they walked away.

Britney was looking at me with a large grin on her face. “Get used to it, girl. We’re going places; I can feel it in my veins.”

I lifted my milkshake again. “I’ll drink to that.”

This was the one day I was dreading.

I could feel a weight on my chest as soon as the rocking bus woke me up. The past couple days have melted into what felt like one huge blur of driving, flying, hotel stays, interviews, and show after show after show. Early tomorrow morning I would fly back to Orlando to rest before we did the Orlando Bands Together benefit concert and then fly out to Dublin, Ireland the next day to join the Backstreet Boys on their Backstreet’s Back Tour. Is it bad that I wish I could stay locked in this moment forever? That I just wanted to turn and run away from change, even though it was inevitable?

I lifted my arms and rubbed my eyes, careful not to whack Justin in the head. Like usual, I wore down and accepted his apology and, like usual, let him talk me into staying up talking about anything and everything until we finally crashed in my bunk. I guess things were back to normal but he and the others have been oddly distant in the past week and a half, like they were avoiding me. And it wasn’t even my time of the month yet.

I yanked the curtain and peered out the bus window where random trees and road signs. The sun was all ready high in the air and bathed everything in a golden glow. Ah, just what a need, a beautiful day to spite me. I would actually enjoy this day if JC’s other half didn’t decide to tag along. Seriously, doesn’t this girl have a job? It’s like every time I turn around she’s there fawning all over him, hanging off his arm, batting her fucking perfect eyelashes and flipping her fucking perfect hair, flaunting her fucking perfect clothes, smiling those fucking perfect teeth at him. God, she’s so damn perfect it makes me sick!

“We here yet?” Justin’s sleepy voice caused me to jump and, with a very loud thud, I smacked my head against the ceiling in fright. Justin laughed sleepily and rubbed his eyes. “Well, that put me in a good mood.”

“Glad I could be of service,” I grumbled, rubbing my forehead. Man, that really hurt. “This is the last time I’m sharin’ a bed with you.”

“What’d I do, fart on you in my sleep? ‘Cause that was Trace that one time,” he said, yawning.

“One, ew, and B, no. You elbowed and kicked me into the one little corner of this damn bunk while you had the rest of the space,” I replied, pulling my hair back into a ponytail and then rubbing the sleep from my eyes. “I told you we wouldn’t fit. You just had to grow like a beanstalk.” I paused and then something he said hit me. “Waddya mean Trace farted on me in his sleep?”

“Relax, I’m yanking your chain. He’s a guy but he’s not downright gross.” I lifted my eyebrow. “Ok, he’s not downright gross on purpose.” He stretched. “Wanna play golf today?”

“Justin, you know of all people I don’t play golf.”

“You just need more practice.”

“Justin, I spend more time flinging golf clubs through the air than the balls themselves.”

“Please? It’ll be fun. We don’t have the radio interview until two and the show isn’t until 6:30.”

“I’ll make you a deal,” I replied, ignoring the pout that was on his face. “You guys go to the gym with me this morning, for about an hour and a half, and I’ll go golfing with you. Deal?” I held out my hand.

“Deal.” He grabbed it and we did our ‘secret’ handshake. “How bad can going to the gym be?”

I grinned evilly. “Oh, you’ll see. Now get your tush out so I can change and wake the others.”

“Wait, we’re going to the gym before we check-in?” His eyes were wide with fear.

That’s right, J, you better be scared. “Yup,” I said happily. “Now go get something to eat. Don’t want you passing out.” I patted his arm and rolled over him. I quickly grabbed the edge of the bunk. Curse my short attention span; I almost rolled right out and onto the floor. I went around waking up Chris and the others. Chris was in such a deep sleep he pulled me into a headlock. I don’t even want to know what he was dreaming bout. I jumped onto the side of the bunks and called as I pulled back JC’s curtain, “Wakey wakey.” I lifted an eyebrow at his empty bunk. “Huh. Where’s Jace? Did we leave him behind again?”

“That’d be funny,” Chris commented, tying a bandana over his hair. “No, I think he and Boobie crashed in the back lounge.”

“You’re mean,” I laughed at the nickname. He winked and went to the front of the bus where Joey and Lance started talking about the comics. Grumbling, I moved past the bunks and the bathroom to reach the back lounge. “Joshua Scott, get up! We’re hitting the gym—YIKES!” I quickly yanked the door shut and took off to the front of the bus.

“What’s wrong with you?” Joey asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’ve seen something worse. I saw a full moon in the day time,” I groaned, holding my stomach which started to toss and turn. “Oh, I’m gonna be sick! Move it!” I shoved Justin out of the way as soon as he came out of the bathroom.  I jumped at the knock on the door and, before I could move, Bobbie slipped in. My lip curled at the tank top and boy shorts she was wearing as well as the apologetic look that was on her face.

“Look, with Josh and I, we—“ She started.

“WHOA! No! La la la la la la la!” I chanted, shoving my fingers in my ears and started pacing. Bobbie reached for my arms and yanked them down.

“Mackie”—oh how I hated that name—“It’s just sex. Nothing to be afraid of.”

“Huh.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “You didn’t have to get the sex talk from five guys. When you were fourteen. With puppets!” Bobbie covered her mouth with her hand to try not to laugh. “Yeah, puppets. And let’s just say Chris had a very…colorful approach to it. Little Red wasn’t riding her hood if you catch my drift.”

“Well, it’s just—“

I lifted my hand and stopped her. “Don’t wanna know. I really don’t. If you don’t mind, tell your boyfriend that he should get changed ‘cause we’re going to go to the gym soon.”

“But JC and I were going to have breakfast together.”

I paused by the door and turned back to look at her. “You might want to eat fast. if you haven’t noticed they have a show tonight and they haven’t hit the gym once in the past week and a half. They need to stay in good shape.”

“Their shows do that for them.”

“Not as well as hitting the gym. They need to work on their major muscle groups and the stage can’t do that for them.”

She scoffed. “What makes you think they’ll listen to you? You’re just a kid.”

I lifted my eyebrows at her tone. Where’d this 180 come from? “I’ve worked with them for two, almost three years now. They trust the training regimes I give them and, as you can see, it’s done them well. I may be ‘just a kid’ but I know what I’m doing.” I twisted the knob to open the door but she slapped her palm against it, stopping me. “What’s your deal?” I demanded.

“You’re my deal,” she replied, her eyes flashing in anger. “Every time I try to do something with Josh you’re in the way. Every time I try to get some alone time with him you ask him to do something or you make him go to the gym or you make him rehearse. Josh is my boyfriend, not yours.” I opened my mouth to say something but she stopped me. “I see the way you look at him. You wish he were your boyfriend, huh?” Then she sneered. “Well, guess what? He’s mine and I’m not going anywhere. Why he would be interested in a boyish little kid like you when he has a sophisticated, feminine, mature woman like me?”

“Mature?” I shook my head. “You keeping me in this bathroom and yelling at me for nothing really lets your maturity shine through, that’s for sure,” I said as calmly as possible. My blood was boiling; no one got away with talking to me like that, but why should I give her the satisfaction of seeing me mad? She didn’t deserve it. “I’m doing my job whether you want me to or not.”

“Oh yeah? We’ll just see about that.”

“Was that a threat?” No really, I wanted to know. She couldn’t really pull off being ‘the bad guy’ that well. I’ve seen scarier kittens.

“You bet it was.”

“Huh,” I laughed. “Ok. Well, while you sit around here and do nothing I have my job to do.” I couldn’t help myself, I just had to add, “But I don’t expect you to know what one of those is.”

The look on her face was totally worth it.

~*~*~*~*~

“Ok, boys, this is the last thing for the day,” I said over the sound of the bike machines. Chris let out of whoop of joy as he slumped over the consol of the bike, his legs still moving on the pedals. I laughed a little and stood in front of them. “It’s very simple; I just want you to ride the bike at your own pace for the next five minutes.”

“There must…be a catch,” Lance panted, pulling at his sweat-soaked t-shirt.

“There is.” I put my hands on my hips. “You guys are going to sing.”

“Sing what, exactly?” Joey asked, a small look of fear was in his eyes.

“One of your songs,” I replied and started pacing. “Me and my band do it all the time while working out. Not only does it give you a good vocal workout but it helps you learn how to sing while out of breath and how to maintain your breath while doing your dance moves. And let’s face it, sometimes you guys get a little breathy, but that’s natural. But it shouldn’t be so obvious. You should at least squeeze in a song two times and then you’ll be finished for the day. Until your rehearsal at least. Got it?” They let out grunts and then started pedaling on the bikes, belting out “Drive Myself Crazy (Thinking of You)”, which was one of their best ballads if you ask me.

I sat down in a chair and leaned back, listening as their voices harmonized together perfectly and effortlessly. Now I understood the fans’ fascinations with them, not that I didn’t notice it before, but now I had a better appreciation for it. Despite looking tired they always had this…spark in their eyes whenever they started singing, something that couldn’t be matched in any other performers’ eyes. They were the real deal and they deserved to be recognized.

It made me wonder how I was going to survive without them. I’ve been with them for four years, more like a lifetime in my books. I mean, they were the ones that understood me, how I worked, and what I was trying to achieve. They were the closest ones to me, aside from my family and home friends which is saying something ‘cause I don’t like people getting too close.

Joey was the one who could help me feel beautiful whenever I was having a bad day and helped me get in touch with my feminine side. Why do you think I like shorts and off-the-shoulder shits now? Chris would always make me cheer up just by making a face or telling me a lame joke. They were horrible jokes most of the time but the fact that he wouldn’t let up until I laughed or smiled meant a lot to me. Lance was a great listener and he didn’t judge me, not that the others did, but he had a more open mind and accepted the things I did or how I acted better than the others. He didn’t make fun of me nearly as much as the others, which I appreciate.  JC was like my protective big brother. Sure, he bugged me a lot but I appreciate the fact that he cares about me enough to stay up with me if I’m sick or to listen to my problems like a friend instead of an adult and he tries to see things from my point of view, which is a lot more than I get from others. And Justin…there was no one else in the world that knew me as well as he did. Not that I wasn’t close to Trace or Rachel, it’s just that Justin was different in his own way.

I was more worried about him when I left than I was about myself…

I blinked when fingers snapped in my face. “C’mon Sleeping Beauty, we’re goin’ golfin’!” Justin said excitedly, grabbing my hands and pulling me to my feet.

“Don’t you want to shower first?” I mumbled when he swung his arm around my shoulders. I shoved him away. “Get your disgusting man stink off me!”

“That is the delicious smell of a man’s natural scent, thank you very much.”

“Don’t make me hurl.”

“Aim away from the shoes please, I just bought ‘em.”

“You’re more of a girl than I am.”

“Ha ha ha. That was so funny I forgot to laugh. Don’t quit your day job.”

“Ragging on you is my day job, Ramen Head.”

“Clever, Smalls.”

“Poodle Boy.”

“Itty-Bitty.”

“Fuzz Ball.”

“Stubby.”

“Fozzy.”

“Tiny Tim.”

“Sideshow Bob.”

“Ok, that was a good one.”

“I try.”

~*~*~*~*~

“Arrrrgh!” I grumbled as another patch of grass was sent flying. I threw down my golf club in anger and crossed my arms over my chest. I hate this damn game.

“Don’t give up yet,” Justin said, putting a gloved hand on my shoulder. “You’re doing…better.”

“Justin, by the time I actually hit the damn ball I can carve my name in the dirt,” I muttered, kicking at the ground. “I hope the fines aren’t that bad,” I added, looking at the random patches of girl in the otherwise bright green grass.

He lifted his gloved hand to his ear. “I’m sorry, is that you saying you’re quitting. Are you a quitter?”

“Shut up!” I snarled.

“Don’t be like that,” he sighed, picking up my abandoned golf club. “You just need more practice. You can’t be good at everything when you first try.”

“I’m not good at everything when I first try.”

He scoffed and lifted a hand, ready to count on his fingers. “Singing, photography, horseback riding, sculpting, rhythmic gymnastics, countless forms of dancing, soccer, magic—“

“I’m not good at those right away,” I interrupted him. “I actually practice for a while.”

“So you see my point?” He smirked as he bounced a golf ball on the end of his club. I wanted to smack him with it.

“I hate your family,” I grumbled. “You guys are too good at getting me to see your points.”

“Oh you love us. We bring the joy to your life.” He held out the golf club and I took it. “Now, relax. We’re not keeping score or anything so doesn’t get worked up, ok?” I nodded. “Now, line up your shot. Keep your head down. Arms straight…arms straight.”

“Justin, my boobs are in the way,” I complained.

“What boobs? You’re as flat as a board.”

“Thanks for that. That’s what every girl in the world likes to hear.”

He made a noise of impatience so I did as I was told. “Head down. Good. Arms straight. Legs shoulder-width apart. Firm, tight grip. Ok. Now, usually what helps me is picturing where the ball is going to land before you swing,” he said as he backed up. “But, considering you’re you, I advise you picturing the ball is the head of someone you hate.”

My lips curled in a sinister smile. I swear that golf ball morphed into Bobbie’s head. What’d I ever do to her anyway? I haven’t said anything to her nor acted any sort of way around her. Not when I have to risk JC’s wrath.

I shifted my weight from foot to foot and readjusted my grip on the golf club. Head down. Arms straight. Tight grip. I fixed my stance and let my mind wander as Justin paced, waiting for me to take my shot. I didn’t even do anything to her! I haven’t even said anything bad to her. Sure, I thought it, but I never said it. The low down BITCH!

I took a swing at the ball. It connected with a metallic thwack and the ball was sent flying. I didn’t even let go of the club this time! Justin held a hand up to shield his eyes as the ball went flying through the air and bounced on a patch of green on the other side of a wall of grass.

“Son of a gun,” I grumbled.

“What’re you so upset about?” Justin asked.

“I hit it in the wrong direction,” I replied, pointing with my club. “I hit it onto the wrong hole.”

He looked at me as if I were crazy. “Mack, you want to hit it in that direction. It was a pretty good shot, too.”

“Oh, really?” I looked in the direction the ball landed. “But, why does the course go that way?” I asked pointing to my right.

He lightly slapped his face. “That’s because they’re trying to make you take more hits to get a worse score.”

“Ohhhhhh.”

“Just get in the cart.” Justin grumbled something under his breath, most likely about how hopeless I was at the game. Any sport that involves a ball that you don’t have to kick I’m horrible at and apparently he just figured that one out.

I tossed my clubs in the back and got in on the driver’s side. I leaned against the wheel, watching as Justin placed his tee in the ground and put the golf ball on top of it. He stretched his arms a little bit and glanced in the distance where a flag was waving. He got into his stance and bent his knees slightly, looked back and forth between his ball and the flag and finally hit the ball. Why does he always make things look so easy?

Guess we were more alike than I thought.

“You ok?” He asked. I jumped and slammed my hand on the horn while he burst out laughing. I hadn’t noticed that he got into the cart. “What’re you thinking about now?”

“The usual,” I replied.

He sighed. “You know you have to do this—“

“I know,” I interrupted him. “It’s just…I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I feel like something’s holding me back but I don’t know…”

“Oh I know what it is,” he said simply. I looked at him. “This.” He pressed finger to my forehead. “You’re thinking about this way too much. You like performing, right?” I nodded. “You have fun with it, right?” I nodded again. “So why not be paid to have fun? You said your family needs more money for your dad’s bills, this is a sure fire way of doing it. It’s selfless and you’ll have fun with it. You like travelling and you can see more places. I don’t understand why this is so hard for you.”

I scoffed. “Oh don’t pretend you’re so brave about it.”

He gave me a small smile. “Mackie—“

“Why do you call me that?” I interrupted him with a groan. I can almost hear the taunting Ms. Mary Mack rhyme all over again.

“’Cause I know it bugs you,” he replied. “You’re my best friend and yeah, it sucks that you’re leaving, but it’s great that you’re leaving because of something you love to do. You can’t stay with us forever, no matter how much I wish you could. With your job, you’re constantly changing clients, styles, scenes even so I always knew it was only a matter of time until you left. Do I wish we could have you all to ourselves? Hell yeah, you’re our secret weapon, but it wouldn’t be fair to you. It took me a while to figure that out but I know it now. You shouldn’t so scared; you’ll have the time of your life.

“I just want to make your proud of me.”

“I already am proud of you and I always will be proud of you. It’s unconditional. I’ll be proud of you even if…you become a stripper.” I shot him a look. “Ok, maybe not that. I’d be tearing off the heads of any guy that even dares to rest his sight on you but you get my point. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. Ok? I don’t want to be the one who feels responsible for holding you back.”

“You’ve never held me back.”

“And I don’t want to be the reason you start now. Think of it this way, being apart we’ll have a lot of stuff to talk about when we’re together again.”

“I’m counting down the days.”

I powered up the golf cart and sped down the path to get to the hole. Justin laughed gleefully while the wind rushed in our ears. Hey, if I can’t drive a car just ‘cause I only have my permit I’ll speed in a gold cart, just try and stop me.

I pulled over on the path next to the hole. “Hey look, I’m close!” I said gleefully, bouncing on my toes.

“Yeah yeah, just get your club,” Justin said, moving to the back.

“Which one?”

“Ummm, this one.” He picked one up and held it out to me. “Remember—“

“I think I know how to tap the ball into the hole. I’ve only watched you do it about a million times,” I grumbled, rolling my shoulders.

He lifted his hands and backed away, a smirk forming on his mouth. I got into my stance and looked hard at the hole. I wiped the little beads of sweat off my brow and adjusted my grip. I swung the club and—

“Don’t miss!” Justin shouted.

“JUSTIN!” I yelled once the ball was sent flying.

“I told you to keep your concentration on the ball.”

“Justin Randall—“

“It’s not my fault you have bad concentration.”

“Justin Randall Timberlake—“ I growled.

“Er…I love you?”

“Nice try!”

I swung my golf club at him. He quickly brought his up and blocked my swing. The next thing I knew we were laughing so hard that tears were streaming down our faces while we pretended to sword fight with each other. It was comforting.

Now I know for sure he’ll be fine without me.

~*~*~*~*~

“That was an amazing show guys,” I gushed as I followed them into the dressing room.

“Oh, stop,” Joey said with a wave of his hand.

“No really. You guys were on fire.”

“Please, go on.”

“Joey, knock it off,” I said, reaching up and lightly hitting him on the back of the head.

Just then Justin burst into the dressing room, dancing crazily. “Woohoo, we were on fiya tonight! Party anyone? I feel in the mood to celebrate! Any takers?”

“Hear hear,” Chris said, lifting the glass of punch from the snack table. “Hopefully it’ll have better food than this place.”

“I made some of this stuff,” I said and crossed my arms over my chest.

He paused. “And it’s delicious!” I lifted an eyebrow. “You’re looking great tonight. Who did your hair?”

“Nice save,” Lance laughed. “I’m going to skip the party.”

“Stop being such a lightweight. We’re not going to a club if that’s what you’re worried about. “Cause I can’t get in. Not that I’m bitter or anything,” Justin told him.

“It’s not that, I promised I’d call Danielle,” he replied.

“Awww,” I cooed. “Want to help me pack while you’re waiting?”

“Sure.”

“Wait, why do you let Lance near your clothes but you won’t let Joey and I go near it with a ten foot pole?” Chris demanded.

“Because I know Lancelot wouldn’t accidentally lose my underwear,” I replied. “But, whenever you guys are done with your party and stuff you can come to my hotel room and we’ll party like we used to. Junk food and horrible scary movies.”

“I’m totally in for that,” Lance said.

“But before that we have something for you,” JC said, walking into the room with his arm around Bobbie’s waist. She lifted a pencil thin eyebrow but stayed silent.

“Something else? Geeze, you guys are spoiling me like crazy.”

“You deserve this one. For putting up with us and crap,” Justin replied, taking a small box out of his bag and put it in my outstretched hand.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Open it and find out, Dummy.”

I glanced at them all and they had these creepy smiles on their faces. I grasped the lid of the box and opened it. Sitting inside was a shiny silver ring with dark bands running through it. Small musical notes sat on top of the bands resembling a music scale.

“Read it,” Justin urged me. “Read the notes.”

I tugged the ring out of the box and spun it around, the notes coming out in my head. I grinned once I pieced it all together. “It says…” my voice trailed off once it hit me.

“God must have spent…a little more time…on you,” they all sang in unison.

“Aww, guys,” I mumbled, putting the ring on my right hand ring finger.

“Are you gonna cry?” Chris laughed gleefully as Joey shoved a camera in my face.

“No, I just have something in them. Like a bug…or a twig.” They laughed and I shook my head. “Thanks guys, it means a lot.”

“Anything for our Baby Sis,” Lance said, hugging me around the shoulders.

“You deserve it, Honeybee,” JC added with a big smile.

Bobbie shot a glare my way and then turned her big brown doe eyes to JC. “Josh, can we go now?” She whined and then kissed his neck. Lance and I shared a glance.

“Yeah, you guys go ahead. Lance and I will take your stuff back to the hotel,” I said.

“You sure?” Joey asked.

“Yeah, you can shower here and then go to the club or whatever. Lance and I will take care of this stuff.”

We looked up at the knock on the door and saw Johnny’s grinning face. “Great show guys. You nailed it,” he said, rubbing his hands together. “There are a few fans out here that would love to get your autographs.”

Scattered “sure”s and “no problem”s came from the guys and they filed out of the room. I smiled down at my ring again before going around and picking up their trash. I could feel Bobbie’s eyes on me the entire time I moved around the room, straightening up.

“I thought I told you that Josh was mine,” Bobbie hissed, her tone steely.

“I’m quite aware that JC is your boyfriend,” I replied, shoving one of Joey’s shirts into his bag.

“Stop flirting with him.”

“I’m not doing anything. I’m not interested in him. He’s five years older than me.”

“Then what was with that nickname. Honeybee?” She made a face as if she smelled a bad scent.

“He’s been calling me that for years, it doesn’t mean anything.”

She laughed a harsh laugh. “Right, it doesn’t mean anything at all. You have to cool it with your flirting, ok? It’s pathetic, really.”

“Whatever you say.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, grabbing another one of Joey’s shirts and stuffing it into his bag. I zipped it up and looked around to see if anything else needed cleaning. Then suddenly what felt like a waterfall fell over my head and soaked me from head to toe. I stood there, dripping wet, gaping at Bobbie who smirked at me triumphantly and holding the pitcher in her hands.

“Oops,” she said mockingly, widening her eyes. “How clumsy of me.” Then she glared. “That should teach you a lesson, bitch.” She glanced towards the door when she heard footsteps and dropped the pitcher by my feet.

“Hey Mack—why are you wet?” JC asked, walking into the room.

I slowly picked up the pitcher and looked at Bobbie before forcing a smile. “I, uh, I tripped over Chris’s shoes,” I replied. “I didn’t see them.”

He gave me a hard stare for a couple of seconds and I could feel Bobbie’s eye son me as well. He could totally tell I was lying. “I’ll get you a change of clothes,” he said and started to leave the room.

“No, it’s fine!” I stopped him. “It’s pretty warm outside; I’ll dry up like that.” I snapped my fingers in example and gave him my best smile.

“Well, ok.” He reached out his hand and Bobbie grasped it proudly. “Lance will be back in a few minutes. See you later.”

“See ya,” I uttered half-heartedly as the couple left. “Some winner you picked, JC,” I mumbled once he was out of earshot.

March 14th, 1998
Orlando, FL

I jerked myself awake when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Sorry to scare you,” the stewardess said with a kind smile. “We’re beginning our descent now. Please put your seat in an upright position.”

I nodded as the stewardess walked away. I stretched my arms up and let out a long yawn. Watching movies before my flight was not a good idea. I didn’t get any sleep, but it wasn’t because of turbulence or anything. My mind was so restless I couldn’t focus on anything, I don’t even remember what the in-flight movie was. Well, my mind wasn’t the reason I don’t remember the movie. It was from texting JC so much. Yeah, JC, not Justin.

I had gotten on the plane and right as I sat down I got a message from him: Have a safe flight. :).

Which I responded with, I will just as long as there aren’t any screaming kids next to me.

He replied with, I think I feel sorrier for the kids having to sit next to you then you having to deal with them. Don’t go off on them, they are kids after all. ;)

I couldn’t bring myself to respond to that text so I changed the subject all the while going back and looking at it. It took me about a minute to realize that I had been dissecting his text to figure out why he put a winky-face at the end. I was starting to drive myself crazy so I told him I’d try and get some sleep. I tried, and failed, so I ended up writing to pass the time. Somehow one page ended up with scribbles of his name. Like a normal rational person I freaked out and ripped it to shreds, making sure I left no evidence. If Bobbie ever found out….I don’t even want to know what she’d do. Eventually my mind worked I overdrive so much I managed to finish three songs before I finally conked out the last forty-five minutes of the flight.

I shoved my notebook back into my carryon and adjusted my seat. I turned and looked out the window, smiling at the familiarity of Orlando International. Oh how I missed the Florida sun and the palm trees and the oranges.

Finally the plane touched down and stopped at the terminal I grabbed my things and decided to wait for a little bit to get off so I wouldn’t have to deal with the shoving match to get off the plane. I sat back and watched everyone slowly shuffle towards the front, wondering where they could be going in such a hurry.

Finally the airplane cleared out a bit more so I decided to get off. My luggage should’ve been taken off the plane by now. I paused to tell the pilot that it was a great flight and offered a smile before leaving the plane. Some people gave me odd looks but my mom always told me to be those who provide us a service, such as pilots, because it’ll make their day that much better.

I walked down the small hall with a new bounce in my step. I just loved being back home. Finally I stepped out into the busy airport and walked in the direction of the baggage claim when I heard someone call my name.

“Were you just going to walk right by us?” Mike asked with a laugh while I launched myself into his arms.

“Sorry, I had a lot on my mind,” I replied and hugged Mom. “Hey Mom! I missed you!”

“How was the flight?” She asked while pushing my hair out of my face.

“It felt longer than it actually was. I didn’t get any sleep,” I replied, rubbing my eye. “What time is it?”

“About ten. Come on, you can get some sleep in the car.”

“Nah. Once I’m up I’m up. Where’s Dad? Back at home?”

“Yeah, he’s getting the house ready for your going away party.”

I groaned. “Mom, I don’t want a party.”

“But your aunt and your cousins are coming all the way down from Canada.”

I sighed. Once Mom’s mind was made up it was hard to change. I got that from her I guess. “Fine.”

I walked behind Mike and Mom, studying them. They had their hands clasped together, fingers laced. They were swinging their arms and grinned at each other every now and then as if they were in their own little world. The spark that they had was amazing, it brought a smile to my face and at the same time it made my heart heavy not seeing Dad as happy as Mom was.

“I need to get Little J and Oreo too. They’re probably freaking out in that cage,” I said as I watched the luggage carousel go around while waiting for my suitcase to come in.

“I’ll get them,” Mike offered. He placed a kiss on Mom’s cheek before walking off.

“When’s the wedding?” I asked, not taking my eyes off of the ugly polka dot suitcase that went around again.

“We didn’t set one yet,” Mom replied. “But I was thinking maybe next summer. Maybe at our church back home.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I have nothing but love for Pastor Samuels but I think it’d be better if it were outside. You know, flowers, nature, horses, stuff like that. It’d be cool, kind of like…a fairytale horse themed wedding.” My eyes lit up. “Oh! Mom, you could come down the aisle on Trinket and Commanche!”

Mom laughed. “You’ve been thinking about this wedding more than I have. Maybe you want to be my wedding planner.”

“The stress would cause me to freak out,” I mumbled, glaring at the polka dot suitcase that went by once again.

“You can be my Maid of Honor, then.”

“I figured you’d give the position to Aunt Abbey.”

“I thought it would be a little weird, considering she was the Maid of Honor at my first wedding, so…”

“I get it.” I pushed my hair out of my face. Mom did that thing where she purses her lips and then pushed them to the side, which basically signals he’s about to make a comment. “I’m not cutting my bangs,” I warned her.

“I just don’t understand why you like them so long. I can’t see your pretty eyes,” she replied.

“I can hide behind them,” I replied. And hide from someone who won’t get off my back about her boyfriend.

“Why would you want to do that?” I shrugged. “Habit,” I replied. “Finally!” I grabbed my bright blue suitcase and lifted the handle as Mike came back carrying the two dog crates. I laughed at Oreo trying to stick his little paw through the holes in the front. “Let’s go. the sooner we leave the sooner they can run around the backyard.”

“We also have a surprise waiting for you when you get home,” Mile said with a sly grin. “I think you’ll really like it.”

“Why can’t you just tell me what it is?” I asked, following him and Mom out of the airport.

“Because it’d ruin the surprise.”

“I hate surprises.”

“You’ll like this one.”

The last “surprise” I got was Mom and Dad breaking up. I don’t think I want another one.

~*~*~*~*~

“Daddy!” I dropped my bags and gave him a big hug. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart,” he said and kissed my forehead. “How was the tour and everything?”

“Great, and I have news for you that is dying to come out,” I replied as Mike and Mom walked into the kitchen. “Ok, ready?” They nodded. “Guess whose singles are number one right now?” I said with a big grin. All at once they let out cheers while looks of astonishment crossed their features.

“Number one after a week?” Dad asked in disbelief.

“I know, it’s crazy but I’m so stoked,” I replied, noticing the bowl of apple slices sitting on the counter. I reached for one but Dad slapped my hand away. “Vous êtes méchant,” I said with a pout.

“Ne laissez pas votre choses traîner. Placez-les dans votre chamber,” Dad replied with a smirk, taking the bowl out of my reach. I reached for it again and he gave me his warning sign: lifting his eyebrows and staring at me pointedly.

“Ooh, you mean business.” I left the kitchen and went back to my abandoned bags by the door. I chuckled at Little J and Oreo ramming themselves against the carriers to get out. “OK, OK, no need to go postal.” I unlatched the doors and they came shooting out, running around the house, happily barking. I wheeled my suitcase after me to the stairs. I struggled a little bit to get the suitcase up the stairs but I managed to get to the landing. I paused and looked around at the boxes of Mom’s stuff and furniture that filled the hallway. Sighing, I twisted the knob and opened the door to my bedroom. “Holy…” That was the only thing I could get out as I looked at my room. Or, to be specific, my new room.

The walls used to be a gray-blue color but now it was bright blue, about the color of the sky in those island brochures. On the right side of my room, above the bed, painted on the wall in white was a tree with gold silver butterfly shapes on random branches. My bed was covered in navy blue and white sheets and pillows. In the corner, next to my bedroom closet, was a small white chair. The cushions on top of my window seat, which was right across from where I was standing, were now striped navy blue and white. The curtains were gold to match the butterflies on the wall. On the left wall, across the room from my bed, sat my new mahogany desk and a new medusa lamp. Next to it a new TV sat on a new sturdy bookshelf filled with my books. Next to that, in the corner, was a mountain of pillows and beanbags. On the other side of my desk my guitars sat on stands. Behind the open door was where my new dresser sat, a deep mahogany color that stood out against the otherwise bright room, but seemed to fit all together. I then noticed that the carpet had been replaced with a plush cream colored carpet. The best part was the brand new camera and video camera that sat on my desk in a red ribbon along with a new big photo album.

I couldn’t function. My mind wouldn’t work and no sounds would come out of my mouth. I let my eyes move around the room a few more times before I turned back around and went back down the stairs and straight into the kitchen. All speech stopped as they turned to look at me.

“You…you changed my room,” was the only thing that managed to come out of my house.

“Yeah,” Mike replied, putting down his cup of coffee.

“You changed my room,” I repeated, still trying to wrap my head around it.

“You all ready said that.” He wiped his palms on his jeans. “Do you like it?” He asked, a hesitant smile forming on his face.

“It’s…it’s…it’s…” Why can’t I talk? Form some words! “It’s so…cool. Cool doesn’t even cover it, but that’s the only word that’s forming right now. I like the colors. And you put up butterflies! How’d you know I like butterflies? It’s not my birthday nor is it my half.”

Mike let out a sigh and smiled broadly. “I’m glad you like it. Think of it as a late Valentine’s Day present.”

“It’s so awesome!” I gushed. “Whose idea was the color scheme?” I lightly hit my forehead. “I mean, I’m not that complex with colors I like but it all balances well.”

“Well, your father was the one who came up with the idea, I just got all of the furniture and things he needed,” Mike replied, slapping Dad’s shoulder.

“Thanks Dad,” I said, hugging his side. “Thanks Mike. I love it, really.”

“I’m glad,” Dad said and kissed the top of m head and then he got up. “If you’ll excuse me I have some work to get to.”

Dad patted my shoulder and I watched him walk out of the room. Something was off in his walk and I automatically knew something was wrong. Mom and Mike started talking quietly about something and soon left. I think she said that they’re staying in a hotel until I leave or something, I wasn’t paying that close attention.

I went into the pantry and filled Little J’s and Oreo’s bowls with their favorite dog food. They came scampering around the corner and dug into their food. I leaned against the sink and looked around at anything in the house that my eye could reach. In the next couple of days everything I knew would officially change.

I walked through the rooms on the first floor before finally seeing Dad sitting in the living room. I watched him working on his camera for a little while and then walked into the room, letting him know that I was there. He was acting so strange…

“Hey Daddy, can we talk?” I asked, leaning against the back of the couch.

He looked up from the camera that was in his hands and glanced at me. I smiled a little at the small pair of glasses that were perched on his nose and made his blue eyes look big. “Can it wait?” He asked, motioning to the cameras in front of him on the coffee table and turned back around.

“C’est importante,” I said.

He sighed and put the camera down. “Bon alors,” he replied and patted the empty cushion next to him. He took off his glasses and carefully put them down on the coffee table as I sat and pulled couch pillow onto my lap. “Ce qui est sur toi esprit?”

“It’s about the divorce,” I replied.

He tensed. “I thought we were finished with this.”

“You and Mom might be but I’m not.”

“Sweetie, we can talk about this another—?“

I grabbed his wrist when he moved to pick up the camera again. He sighed and looked at me. “I’m not fourteen, Dad. I’m not just going to stand by and let you go through with this without having my questions answered.”

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. At first I thought he was in pain but he leaned back in his seat and tilted his head so he was looking at me. “What is it exactly you want to know?”

“I want to know why.”

“Sweetie—“

“Dad, you and Mom always told me some half-ass truth about why you two split up. It may have taken me a while to realize it, but I realize it now and I want to know why.” I crossed my arms over my chest as best as I could with the pillow in the way. “You and Mom were high school sweethearts, remember?” I nudged him with my foot when he didn’t respond. “Mamaw didn’t want her to go to school in Canada but she went and she met you and she stayed for you. She learned French for you. You could’ve easily left her when she was pregnant with me but you stayed until you both finished school and then you left everything you knew to move here for her. Why did you guys split up, Dad, why?”

“Because it wasn’t fair for her,” he finally replied.

My eyebrows crinkled together. “What? I don’t get it.”

“She wasn’t happy with me. I loved her so much. I know she loved me too…but she wasn’t happy. I could see it the more you grew up how unhappy she was but she kept going for you. It wasn’t fair to you and it wasn’t fair to her so…I asked her to leave.” Dad let out a long sigh. “Your mother is a very proud woman, it’s where you get it from, and she wouldn’t admit that she was unhappy so she dealt with it in a passive way.”

I nodded slowly. “By cheating,” I supplied.

“You knew?” He asked, shocked.

I nodded. “Justin told me something about seeing her kiss Paul once—her coworker Paul, not his step-father,” I replied. “Besides, Mom isn’t that great at being secretive. I’ve always had my suspicions.” I shrugged. “I just didn’t want to be right. I guess I tricked myself into believing that everything was fine.” Wait a second… “But didn’t it bother you? That she was cheating?”

“Oh, it broke my heart,” he replied, wrapping his hands around a knee and bringing it to his chest. “I couldn’t understand why she would rather cheat on me than deal with this in a civil way but it was her way of lashing out. She didn’t really get to experience anything because she was pregnant with you at a young age.”

“So I’m to blame?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“No, of course not, and don’t ever think you are!” He replied, staring hard at me. “Understand? We love you and we don’t ever blame you for our problems.”

“Ok,” I whispered.

“Anyway, when she wouldn’t…come to terms with her misplaced anger I…got a little too close to alcohol and it pushed her away further. It was my way of coping with losing the one woman I’ve ever loved in my life. Finally, when she was yelling at me about being a drunk and not taking care of you properly, I lost it, I guess. Called her every name under the sun, told her to get out of my life and that I hated her.”

“You don’t hate her,” I told him.

“I know. My love for her grows every day and, because I love her so much, I knew I had to let her go. She wasn’t happy. I could see it and she jumped around the subject until I gave her divorce papers to sign.”

“Huh,” I muttered. “I thought Mom was the one who gave you divorce papers.”

“What kind of story has she been telling you?” He asked. He didn’t sound offended, just curious.

“It was just my assumption,” I replied. “Let me see if I understand this. You and Mom met in high school in Canada.”

“Right.”

“You fell in love and got married as soon as she was of age?”

“Right.”

“And she got pregnant before the end of senior year?”

“Yes.”

“And then you had me and moved to Tennessee?”

“Yes.”

“And Mom was upset that she never got to do what she wanted to do in her life,” I mumbled. “So, wait, where has she been this whole time? Every time she left for her job?”

He cracked a grin. “You’re too smart. I’m sure you could tell she hasn’t been at her job. Hell, she’s never kept a steady one. True, the last one she had was a travel agent or something—that’s what she told me—but she was actually going to school and getting her degree.”

I felt a huge weight on my chest. It was making it hard for me to breathe. Everything swam around in my head and I tried to come to terms with it. I could feel something boiling inside of me and then it forced its way out. “Why couldn’t you all just tell me that?’ I exploded. “Why didn’t you guys ever tell me anything? You…you made me tiptoe around the dam house wondering what I did to ruin your marriage and do everything I could to fix it! I…I danced, I rode horses, I entered competition after competition to keep you guys happy and for nothing!”

“Whoa, whoa whoa,” Dad cried out, waving his hands. “You did those things because you love to do them—“

“Because it made you two happy, Dad! When…whenever I won a horse show or a dance competition you guys were different and I wanted to keep things that way,” I groaned, angrily brushing away the tears that were falling down my face. Damn, when’d I get so soft? “I wasn’t stupid, I knew something was wrong and I ended up figuring it all out on my own, like usual, and look how that helped. I’m screwed up and it’s your fault.”

“You’re not screwed up.”

“Yes I am, Dad!” I cried out. “Did you know that I blame myself for Aaron’s death? Huh? Did you?” He bit his lip and turned his eyes away from me. I continued anyway, knowing that I still had his attention. “I still do and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it ‘cause I can’t talk to you two about it because you’ve moved on, like he didn’t matter! Just like you two went on as if your marriage didn’t matter! You didn’t care how much it affected me as well; all you two cared about were yourselves! Why do you think I went along with the…the movie thing and the singing thing? Because it’s something I could do to make me happy and so I’m busy enough that I don’t think about anything else anymore. It’s so I can’t dwell on Aaron’s death, or my other brother’s death, or you having cancer, or you and Mom getting divorced. Singing and the movie and dancing are the only things I can control and they’re the only things that keep me sane. But I’m scared, Dad. I’m scared of what’ll happen when I leave. I’m scared of what you and Mom will do. I’m scared of what’s going to happen to you and that I’ll wake up one day and you’re gone, just like that. I can’t lose you too. I couldn’t bear it!”

“Hey, you are not going to lose me, alright?” Dad said, brushing away my tears and pulling me into a tight hug. “Alright? I am not leaving this Earth until I see you walk down the aisle and I have a grandkid I can hold. I don’t care if that’s up until I’m on my deathbed, I will hold on until I know it’s time to go.”

“Aren’t you scared, Dad?”

“You’re damn right I am but I didn’t want you to see that I was scared. I didn’t want ma petite fleur to see that her daddy wasn’t as strong as she thought he was. I didn’t want you to see me as weak and I didn’t want you to think that you needed to lose your childhood to help me get better.”

“Dad, I told you I want to help you pay your hospital bills, especially now since Momma doesn’t have a job.” I held up my hand when he moved to protest. “I don’t care that you don’t want me to, but I’m doing it. I’m paying you back for dealing with your brat of a daughter.”

“You’re not a brat.”

“Dad, I was horrible to Momma! My best friend! I called her names and was downright rude but you guys never said anything about it. I was a brat and I’m making up for it. I’m going to make you guys proud of me. OK?”

“We all ready are.” He kissed my forehead and gave me another tight hug, this time not letting go until he was ready to. I still had a bunch more questions I wanted answers to but I kept my mouth shut. I suddenly felt drained and exhausted. He pushed my hair out of my eyes and added, “And yes, for the last time, I’m happy that your mother and Mike are getting married. Hell, I introduced them.”

“No you didn’t. Mom said—“

“Inadvertently. He stopped by the shop one day and I gave him directions to Starbucks.”

“He stopped by the…you’re opening the shop again?”

He shrugged. “Cancer does a funny thing to people. Made me realize how much I miss photography, figured I’d open the shop again.”

“Dad, that’s great!” Ugh, these up and down emotions were seriously starting to get to me. “You need a new place to put these pictures anyway,” I added, motioning to the large pictures of me that hung around the house. “I know you two love me and all but it’s creepy.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, it kind of is.”

I gripped the pillow that was on my lap and sighed. “So what’s going to happen now?”

“Now that I have a nurse coming around”—he rolled his eyes “your mother and Mike are going to move back to Memphis. Whenever you return you can take turns in each place but Thanksgiving will still be in Memphis and Christmas will still be in Canada, situation permitting.”

“Deal.” I grabbed his hand and shook it. “But, by the time I’m eighteen, I will be out of this house and in my own.”

“What, you don’t want to live with your old man?”

“You’re a horror story of a roommate,” I joked.

He smiled and changed the subject. “How’re you holding up?”

I shrugged. “Fine so far. Everything’s happening so fast. As soon as my head wraps around everything I think I’ll finally be able to accept what’s happening and accept how busy I’ll be and that I won’t be able to see you as much anymore.”

“How will you survive?” He asked with a teasing grin.

I smacked his knee and he chuckled. “How’re you holding up?”

“I have my good days and my bad days.”

“What about today?”

“It’s good so far. I haven’t felt the urge to puke nor fall over every five seconds. I’m a little more tired than usual but otherwise I think I’ll be fine going back to work.” He rolled his eyes and added, “My babysitter regularly checks up on me.”

“Nurse, Dad, nurse,” I corrected him. “And do I ever get to meet the person who’s stealing my father from me?”

“No,” he replied. “It’s bad enough that you see me sick. I don’t want you to see me getting chemo either.” He waved his hand as if waving away the topic. “How’re the boys doing?”

“Great,” I replied and laughed a little. “They’re still amazed that people bother listening to them. Once when we were in New York there were these fans that figured out what room they were in by counting windows and stood on the streets and yelled at them all night. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. They practically had heart attacks whenever one of them would look out the window.”

“Have your laugh now,” Dad said with a grin.

“You all think I’m destined for greatness or something.”

“Because you are. You don’t deserve anything less.”

My heart warmed. “Thanks.”

I reached back and grabbed the ringing phone. I glanced at the caller ID and decided to pick up the phone despite not recognizing the number. “Hello, Desrosiers residence.”

“Frenchie! Howzit goin’?”

I blinked. “AJ?”

“The one and only, Sweetcheeks. Get your ass over to the party! It’s gonna be funky!”

“Oh, I almost forgot. It’s in Ruskin, right? Could you give me the address?”

“No need. I’ll give you a lift.”

I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it right as a honk pealed from outside. I got up off the couch and pulled the curtain back to look out the window. Dad hovered above me and looked out the window as well. AJ was sitting in a shiny red sports car. Once he saw us looking out the window he pressed the heel of his palm against the horn again.

I hung up the phone and looked at Dad. “I think I’m being kidnapped,” I told him.

“Just tell him to bring you back by eleven at the latest,” Dad replied.

~*~*~*~*~

“So what’re you doing today?” I asked over the roaring wind as AJ sped down the interstate.

“We have radio stuff all day,” Justin replied. I could hear the tiredness in her voice. “We flew into California about an hour ago. Chris and I are going to try and find some time to go to the beach.”

“Too bad I’m not there to put in a good word for you guys,” I commented as AJ took the exit ramp.

“I don’t think we’ll have a big problem with the ladies. We’re getting pretty popular out here.” Justin didn’t say it in a bragging way, more in a factual way. I saw it all first hand, I didn’t need to picture what he was talking about. Their fans were nuts.

“When’s your show tonight?”

“About seven-thirty.”

“Call me later; I want to hear about it.”

“It’d be about one o’clock your time though.”

“I’ll be so bored it’d keep me awake. I wouldn’t care of the time.”

“Yeah.” Justin paused. I could hear the others talking about some blonde chick that the car had just passed. Joey started that conversation, no doubt. Always the flirt. “What’re your plans for today? Are you in a car?”

“Yeah, I’m on my way to Ruskin,” I replied.

“Why there?”

I hesitated. Justin and the others were still kind of bitter towards the Backstreet Boys not just because of our little tiff but because they were technically rivals. It wasn’t as bad as the media made it out to be but they were basically continuing to try to one up the other. AJ and Justin knew each other before either group exploded, actually, they played basketball together a few times but he was ‘Alex’ back then. (Now that I look back on it it was odd that I’ve never met him prior to Germany). That’s why Justin was a little put-off by him when that little fight arose and I knew he still had bitter feelings.

“Um…we’re going to the Gulf just to hang out at the beach,” I replied, biting my thumbnail. “Me, Mom, Dad, Mike, and the dogs. Oh yeah, they’re throwing a going away party/Orlando tornado benefit party tomorrow if you guys want to come.”

“For sure, we wouldn’t miss spending our last day with you.”

“Just be careful how you act. My grandparents are coming.”

“Which ones?”

“The Canadian ones.”

“Oh, they love me! Everyone does.”

“Psh, whatever. Look, I gotta go. Talk to you later, OK?”

“You know it. I’ll tell the guys you said ‘hi’. See you later.”

“Not if I see you first.” I hung up my phone and let out the breath that I had been holding.

AJ grinned. “Are we invited to this party too or are you ashamed to be with us?”

I shrugged. “Might as well come. Dad’s going to want to meet who I’m going on tour with so he can make sure you guys are OK in his book. But don’t freak out if he or my grandfather starts talking about their shotguns. They’re not serious about it.”

AJ laughed as he eased the car down a long street in the neighborhood we just turned into. I looked out at the elegant looking homes. A few had kids playing around in their sprinkler systems, their laughter being muffled by the wind as it blew in my ears. AJ turned the car into a long driveway which was filled with other cars and cut the engine.

I looked up at the large, two-story house. It was surrounded by a big white fence but it didn’t take away from the large stone covered structure. The sound of shrieks which were quickly followed by the sound of splashing poured from the backyard. I got out of the car, lifting my drawstring bag over my shoulder. AJ looked oddly comfortable unlatching the gate and walking towards the front door.

“Hey AJ, whose place is this anyway?” I asked while following him up the porch steps.

“You’ll see,” he replied while pressing the doorbell button next to the wooden French doors.

“Why can’t you just tell me?”

“You’ll find out in about five seconds anyway.” Just then the door opened. “Hey Nicky, it’s about time you open the damn door,” he commented, giving Nick a ‘bro-hug’.

“We couldn’t hear it over the dogs barking, man,” Nick replied.

I took the time to look him over. He wore a red Michael Jordan basketball jersey and black swim trunks. His hair was gelled perfectly to give it a wet look and a pair of glasses was perched on his nose. My brain fried from just looking at him. I almost jumped out of my skin when he turned to look at me.

“Hey Dimples, glad you could make it,” he addressed me with a smile.

I blinked and regained control of my brain, thankfully before I said something stupid. “Thanks for having me, Blondie,” I replied. “You mind letting us in?”

He gave a little laugh and moved out of the way to let us in. “Sorry about that.” AJ stepped inside and walked through the house as if he knew where he was going. I didn’t put it past him.

“Since when do you wear glasses?” I asked, looking around while he closed the front door.

“Since when do you have a southern accent?” He replied, a teasing grin forming on his face.

My heart seemed to miss a beat. “Touché.”

“Well, c’mon don’t stand there like a wallflower. The party’s out back. Everyone else is all ready here,” Nick said while leading me through the house. “My sisters can’t wait to meet you. Aaron would’ve been here but he’s in Europe right now but you’ll get to meet him on tour,” Nick rambled.

“He can take time off?” I asked, following him.

He looked at me over his shoulder. “He’s our other opening act. It’s you and Aaron. Cool huh? It’ll be like one big party. He’s kinda crazy but you’ll like him. Everyone does. Hey, how’s your Dad?”

I shook my head a little. I still wasn’t used to how fast he could jump topics. “He’s doing fine. Getting chemo and stuff as always. He’s opening the shop again.”

“That’s great! I’m glad he’s getting better and stuff.”

I managed a smile. He paused in the back of the kitchen to pull at the sliding glass door. The loud music that had been muffled now blasted by my ears as he ushered me outside. Every which way I turned someone was talking, laughing, dancing, eating, or taking a leap into the large pool.

“Hey you finally made it,” Leighanne said from my right.

“Leigh! It’s so good to see you,” I gushed, giving her a hug. “Wait, you’re blonder than before,” I pointed out.

“It’s the advantage of the Orlando sun,” she said with a smile.

“Where’s Kristin?”

Her smile faded and she lowered her voice. “She and Kevin are in an off stage right now.” She saw the shocked look on my face and added, “Don’t worry, they’ve been on and off for years, it’s like a cycle for them. They’ll come together in the end.”

I was about to respond when I heard Brian yell, “MACARONI SANDWICH!”

“Oh no,” I groaned and shoved my drawstring bag into a confused Leighanne’s arms. A glance over my shoulder confirmed what I knew: that Brian was running at me full tilt. “Hold that for me,” I told her before I started running as fast as I could across the large backyard. “Oh come on guys, give it a rest,” I begged as I turned around and searched for a way back to the house.

“You’re not getting out of this one,” Brian replied happily, taking a step forward every time I took a step back. “I have you cornered.”

“Kevin, a little help over here,” I begged.

From where he was sitting, Kevin lifted his sunglasses and looked in our direction. With a dismissive wave of his hand he said, “You’re fine.”

“Kevin, come on!” I bounced my weight from foot to foot, getting ready to make my move. He merely smiled and went back to talking to a blond woman. Sighing, I made a move as if I were going left. When Brian moved to block me I quickly did a pirouette out of the way and ran past him, laughing all the way. “Ha ha! You gotta work on your agility, Bri!” I taunted him. My taunt was cut short when I ran right into Nick who grabbed me and lifted me off the ground. “How did I not see this coming?” I groaned and wiggled to try and get out of his grasp. “Guys—come on! I thought you were over this.”

“You thought wrong,” Brian replied before wrapping his arms around me and the two started to squeeze the life out of me. “Macaroni Sandwich,” he said happily and then finally let me go.

“I think you bruised a rib,” I groaned, rubbing at my chest.

“You’ll be fine,” Nick said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Now come on, I want you to meet my family.” He grabbed my wrist and practically yanked me over to the table that was by the pool which was covered by a big umbrella. His family sat around the table and I noticed they all differed from having blond or brown hair. “Mom, Dad, guys, this is my friend Mack. Ok, this is my mom, Jane,” he said and pointed at the blond woman.

“Nice to meet you,” I said with a smile as I shook her hand.

“It’s nice to meet you as well,” she said pleasantly.

“That’s my dad, Bob,” Nick said and pointed to the man who stood. He walked over to me and gave me a hug.

“Oh, um, it’s nice to meet you too,” I said as I patted his back.

“What’s the matter? Your other arm doesn’t work?” He chuckled and then I gave him a proper hug. “So you’re the girl that Nick—“

“Dad, you can let go of her,” Nick interrupted him with a grumble. Bob chuckled and sat back down in his chair. “This is Bobbie Jean, but we call her BJ. She’s sixteen.”

“Oh, finally someone else my age,” I said as I gave her a wave.

“It’s about time,” BJ commented with a small smile.”Nick used to bring around girls so much older than me.”

I lifted my eyebrows. “Oh yeah? How many?”

“BJ, knock it off,” Nick hissed. I smirked as he mumbled something about her not knowing what she was talking about. “That’s Leslie, she’s eleven.”

“I turn twelve in June,” she grumbled, sticking out her tongue. Nick returned the gesture and she cracked a smile.

“And the little one is Angel, Aaron’s twin.”

“I didn’t know Aaron had a twin,” I said as I gave her a little wave.

“Most people don’t,” she replied with a little shrug.

“Yeah, that’s ‘cause Aaron’s from another planet,” Leslie commented. BJ and Angel laughed as Leslie grinned.

“Leslie!” Jane hissed.

“What?” She asked innocently.

“So how’d you meet these guys?” BJ asked, nodding in the direction of the pool where Kevin, AJ, Howie, and Brian were now playing chicken.

“I met them back in Germany last year,” I replied. “Johnny introduced us.”

“Ah, yes. You’re a dancer, right?” Bob asked. I nodded. “How long have you been dancing.”

“Fourteen years, give or take a year,” I said while shuffling my feet.

“And now you’re choreographing for Nicky,” Leslie noted and took a sip of her lemonade.

“Well, whenever they need my help, yes. I helped Fatima with a few of their songs and stuff, I didn’t do as much as she does but I was her assistant.”

“She’s being too modest,” Nick said as he nudged me. “She helped out a lot. She helped choreograph our tour, too. And now she’s going to be a singer. Have you heard her song yet?”

“That “Pressure” one?” BJ asked. “Yeah, we just heard it on the radio!”

“Why has everyone else heard it but me?” I cried out, throwing my arms into the air. “It’s my dang song.”

“The buildup will be worth it,” Nick said as he stole a strawberry off of BJ’s plate. She slapped his arm and he chewed happily. I smiled at the exchange.

“What else do you do?” Jane asked.

“Umm, dance mainly. It’s all I’ve been doing for a while,” I replied, fighting the urge to bite my nail. “Well, I ride horses too.”

Angel’s eyes lit up. “You ride hroses? Way cool! I’ve always wanted to ride a horse,” she gushed. “Do you own one?”

“Yeah, her name’s Bluebelle. I’ve had her since I was four but she’s back in Memphis,” I replied.

“Have you been in any competitions?”

“A few here and there.”

“What’re they like?” Leslie asked, breaking her silence as she studied me.

“They’re hard work but a lot of fun. I like to jump so Bluebelle and I enter those portions of the competition the most but we do dressage as well as the basics,” I explained.

“Can you teach me to ride one day?” Angel asked.

I shrugged. “Sure, maybe on one of my breaks.”

“Yes!” She cheered and punched her fists into the air.

“Well, go relax and have some fun, don’t let us old folks slow you down,” Bob chuckled and put his arm around the back of Jane’s chair.

“Hey Mack, want to see me do a flip into the pool?” Angel asked. “Aaron can’t do one yet,” she added, proudly.

“Sure, just give me a few minutes, ok?”

“OK.”

I walked around the pool to where Leighanne was laying down on a pool chair, dark sunglasses shielded her eyes and she held a magazine up to her face. “Hey thanks,” I said as I moved my knapsack onto the ground and sat down next to her.

“What was that sandwich thing about?” She asked with a laugh, lifting her sunglasses.

“Oh, Nick and Brian always did that last summer. Basically it was their way of scaring the crap out of me while saying ‘hi’,” I replied with an eye roll, pulling my hair back into a ponytail.

“They act like little puppies around you,” she noted. She laughed and then added, “Well, Brian’s always like that so there’s not much of a difference.” I chuckled. “Oh yeah, your phone kept ringing.”

“Really?” I dug through my bag and pulled out my phone. Shielding it from the sun I noticed that I had seven missed calls and a voice message. “Geeze, guys, I’m not a baby,” I muttered when I noticed the calls were from JC and Justin. I brought my phone up to my ear and waited for the message to start playing. I froze when Bobbie’s cold voice drifted into my ear.

“What did I tell you about talking with Joshua? I guess him being my boyfriend doesn’t mean anything to you. I guess I’ll just have to teach you a lesson.” Then she added sweetly, “Enjoy your little vacation, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

I removed my phone from my ear and stared at it a bit. “Hey Leigh,” I started slowly. “I need some advice.”

“Boy problems?” She guessed.

“I guess so,” I mumbled. I hesitated when trying to get the words I wanted to say out of my mouth but it was hard. I hadn’t even admitted what I was going to say to her to myself just yet. “Say…you like this guy and he’s your friend. You’ve known him for a while but your feelings about him changed. And then say you like another guy, whom you just met and—“

“Say no more,” she interrupted me. “Go with the second guy.”

“Why’s that?” I asked.

She grinned. “If you liked the first guy as much as you think you wouldn’t have fallen for the second, now would you?”

“You’re too smart for your own good,” I muttered. “Must be one of the reasons why Brian adores you so much?”

“Oh stop,” she chuckled while blushing.

“Hey Mack, do you want some lemonade or something?” Nick called to me.

“Sure,” I said as I stood.

“I can get it.”

“Thanks, but I can get it.”

“Ok, it’s in the fridge.”

I went into the house and finally found the kitchen after a few wrong turns. I grabbed a glass off the little island in the middle of the kitchen and went to the fridge. I pulled out the pitcher and poured the lemonade into my cup. I replaced it, closed the door, turned around, and jumped in fright when I saw who was standing behind me. I heard the glass shatter once it fell from my grip and hit the floor.

“Lou!” I gasped.

March 14th, 1998
Orlando, FL

He smiled that smile that I hated. His eyes were hidden behind his transition glasses but I got the same skin crawling feeling that I get whenever he looked at me.  “Well well, the superstar has graced me with her presence,” he commented. “I heard about your success, congrats.” I bit my lip to keep from saying anything. He chuckled. “You know, it’s polite to respond.”

“It’s also polite not to touch someone,” I shot back.

He smirked. “Come now, I thought your mother raised you to respect your elders.”

“Not when they’re a sick, sadistic, bastard…Mr. Pearlman.”

“I thought I told you to call me ‘Big Poppa’.”

“You’re not my father.”

He walked closer to me. I tried to move but my feet were stuck to the ground. My fingers twitched at my sides once he stopped in front of me. I could tell he was looking me over. I mentally cursed myself for wearing the light hoodie vest and short-shorts. “You’ve really…grown up,” he commented in a low whisper and touched my cheek. I swung my hand up and slapped him across the face. The loud sound made a smile come to my lips but it was instantly wiped off when his palm hit my face in return. The force of the blow was enough to knock me to the ground, clear of the glass thankfully. “How dare you touch me?” He hissed.

I rolled my jaw and gave a sarcastic laugh. “But it’s perfectly acceptable that you can touch me though, right?”

Lou’s eyes shifted to something behind me. I turned my head right as Jane hurried into the kitchen, a pan in her hands. “Uh, Mrs. Carter, I’m sorry, I dropped a glass,” I stammered, getting to my feet.

She put the pan down and looked at the ground. “Oh, it’s all right.” She gave a little laugh. “Broken glass is so common around here, it happens at least once a day,” she joked. “Step carefully and don’t come in here with bare feet. I’ll get this cleaned up.”

“Mrs. Carter, I can get it. It was my fault after all.”

“No no, you’re a guest. I’ll handle it.”

She wiped her hands on a dish towel. “Oh, that’s all right. I’ll get it cleaned up.”

“OK. I’m really sorry.”  I backed out of the kitchen and then turned and ran. Once I got outside I made a beeline for Nick who was standing with his Dad by the grill. I grabbed Nick’s arm and yanked him away.

“Ow, what?” He asked, taking his arm out of my grasp.

“Lou is here,” I hissed.

The color drained from his face. “You’re kidding.”

“Does it look like I’m kidding?” I replied, glaring at him.

“No, sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair. “What happened to your face?”

I brought my hand up to my slightly stinging cheek. I looked around and dropped my voice just in case we were being overheard. “I slapped him for touching me and he slapped me back. He got me good too.” I rubbed my cheek and dropped my hand with a sigh. “What do we do?”

“Do you really think he’s going to try something with the others around?”

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s done it before.”

His eyebrows crinkled together but he shook his head. “Ok, um…lunch is almost ready. Sit by me, I’m pretty sure he won’t try anything as long as we’re near each other and he’s closer to my parents.” He licked his lips. “Yeah, you can sit in between me and Brian. Everything should be fine.”

“What’re you two whispering about?” AJ asked so suddenly I almost jumped out of my skin. I placed my hand over my heart and turned to look at him while he looked back in curiosity. I hadn’t even noticed that he walked over. “What, is it some sort of secret?”

“We weren’t whispering about anything,” Nick replied.

AJ rolled his eyes. “Yeah you were, I was standing right there. What were you whispering about?”

“Nothing, Bone, nothing,” Nick replied and walked off quickly.

“Well, look at that, I embarrassed him,” AJ said with a laugh and then he turned to me. “What were you and Kaos talking about?” He asked.

I laughed. “A little persistent, are we?”

“I mean, you two were looking pretty cozy.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

I sighed. “We were just talking, AJ. No need to make a big deal about it. We were talking about the tour.”

“You could’ve had the conversation out loud with the rest of us you know,” he pointed out.

I grumbled. “Get off it!”

“OK, OK. I’ll drop the topic for now. But we’re not finished with this conversation, young lady.” I rolled my eyes and knocked his finger out of my face. “May I escort you to your seat?” He asked while holding out his arm. I grinned and hooked my arm with his and let him walk me to the large table that was set up. I got my food and settled in my seat between Brian and Nick. I glanced down the table and sighed in relief when I saw Lou talking to Mr. Carter all the way at the end. Nick’s sisters were sitting a different table, talking to each other and laughing. I relaxed and dug into my food.

“I can’t wait for this tour,” Brian suddenly spoke up, bouncing in his seat. “It’s going to rock.”

“Not to mention we get to see some cool sights,” Howie agreed.

“And eat really good food,” Kevin added.

“Are we going to Italy? I’ve always wanted to eat authentic Italian food,” I commented.

AJ scoffed. “Pizza not good enough for you?”

“Some people don’t need to live off of McDonald’s all their lives to make them happy,” I replied, kicking my feet under the table. “Are we going to Italy, though?”

“No, but we are going to Belgium,” Kevin replied.

“Ooh, chocolate! Even better.”

“Have you figured out your setlist yet?” Howie asked.

I shook my head. “No. We can’t decide on anything. There are too many songs we want to do but Liam says we need to do an all pop show ‘cause that’s what Europe is basically feeding off of right now but we’re trying to get him to change his mind. I mean, I don’t want to dance the entire time.” I paused and took a sip of Kool-Aid. “How long is my part anyway?”

“Thirty minutes.” I almost choked on my drink as it went down my throat. Did he just say I have a thirty-minute set? That can’t be possible. He smiled at me as if he could read my mind and nodded. “We agreed on it. You and Aaron are getting a thirty minute set. You both need the exposure.”

“Now we’re going to be up all night trying to figure something out,” I groaned. “Thanks for making my life a lot harder.” I smiled to make sure he knew that I was joking and he relaxed in his seat. “Geeze, Dorough, you really don’t get my jokes.”

“I don’t ever know when you’re being serious or not!” he cried out, throwing his hands into the air while the rest of us laughed.

“That means I’m doing my job of being a girl right,” I cracked and leaned forward to high-five Leighanne. Howie rolled his eyes but grinned. “Speaking of, where is this benefit being held?” I asked.

“Disney,” Kevin replied.

“The benefit will be held at Pleasure Island in Downtown Disney,” Lou jumped in on the conversation, looking our way. I looked down and quickly zipped up my vest to cover the bikini I was wearing. Then I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned forward against the table so it pressed into my collar bone. “But it’s in the late afternoon so you all can spend the day at Magic Kingdom if you wanted. On me of course.”

AJ pushed his plate out of the way. “Screw eating, we have to start planning which rides we’re going to hit.”

 I grabbed a napkin. Leighanne dug in her purse and pulled out a pen and handed it to me. “Splash Mountain, obviously. Oh, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean….” I listed.

“I like the Jungle Cruise,” Howie offered. “And Tom Sawyer Island.”

“Oh, we have to go on the teacups,” I said as I added the attraction to the list.

“You guys are wimps, put some roller coasters on that list,” AJ ordered.

“Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride is cute,” Leighanne spoke up. “And we can go on the Small World ride too.”

“Uggggh,” I groaned, sticking out my tongue. “My mom always drags me on that ride. It’s so borrrring.”

“Not when Brian and I go,” Leighanne said with a wink in Brian’s direction. He pretended to fan himself while the guys made whooping sounds.

“Oh-kay, we know where the dorks are going,” I commented. Brian tweaked my nose in retaliation. I then pulled a face.

“That couldn’t have hurt,” he commented.

“No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…my guys would want me to hang out with them,” I replied, rapidly pressing my thumb against the top of the pen so it made the annoying clicking sound. “That’s ok, we can all go as one big group,” I said brightly. They all made faces and looked at each other, which was what I expected. “C’mon, guys, it won’t be that bad. They’re just like you, only they’re a little more…rowdy. But they’re good guys. Give ‘em a chance. Please? For me?”

Kevin was the first one to crack. “Ok, for you.”

“Yay! Thank you, Kevvie, you were always my favorite.”

That got the other guys started on why they should be my favorite. They were so predictable. Leighanne tilted her head and signaled for me to get up from the table. I managed to do so without the guys noticing. “That’s the best way to get them distracted,” I told her.

“I should keep that in mind,” she joked. Then she turned to me with a serious look on her face. “Is something wrong?” I blinked up at her. “I mean, you were acting kinda funny when Lou started talking to us.”

I managed to keep my breath steady while I quickly tried to come up with an excuse. “I just got cold, that’s all.”

“It’s 84°,” she pointed out.

“I was in the shade.” I feigned scratching my neck to take a look over my shoulder and saw that Lou was looking right at us. I turned back around and gave her the most convincing smile ever. “It’s all good, really. But I have to go, My dad’s going to start worrying that AJ actually kidnapped me.”

“OK,” Leighanne said slowly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

I nodded. “Tomorrow.” I gave her a hug and then turned around. “Hey Bone, come on. I want to get home before dark.”

“You’re leaving already?” Angel asked from where she was kicking her feet in the pool water.

“Sorry kiddo, my dad’s weird with rules,” I said with a shrug.

“Come back again, OK? And bring pictures of Bluebelle.”

I smiled and nodded. “Sure.”

“Nick says you play guitar? You have to show me some stuff sometime,” Leslie said as she walked over to me and brushed her hair out of her face.

“It’s a deal,” I said and shook her hand.

“C’mon Frenchie, let’s boogie.” AJ called while spinning his keys around his finger.

“Wait, don’t go yet,” Nick said. He and Brian were swinging BJ in their arms all the while she screamed and squirmed. At the peak of their swing they let her go and she was sent flying into the pool. She screamed curses as them once she surfaced while Brian laughed. “I’ll be right back.”

“Are you going to tell me what you two were talking about yet?” AJ asked, walking over to me.

“Drop it, Alex, drop it,” I sighed. “Really, it was nothing important. We were discussing what video games to bring on tour, OK?”

He groaned. “Not another one. Nick goes nuts if anyone tries to touch his Nintendo.”

“Does he have a 64? Because that’s understandable,” I replied. “I’m not that bad with mine. Besides, I’m more of a board game person. I love Monopoly. I hate how long it takes but it’s my favorite.”

“Huh. Try and get Nick to sit through one game, I dare you. He’s practically allergic to board games. You can’t get him to sit long enough.”

I grinned and cracked my knuckles. “We’ll see what I can do. I have many ways of making people do things.” Finally Nick came back outside carrying a small stack of CDs in his hands.  “What the heck is that?” I asked.

“They’re all the CDs I burned for you. Considering we weren’t talking before I didn’t give them to you but you can have them now.”

“Thanks.” I took them from him and looked down at the ground. I could feel my cheeks burning when AJ started to whistle the wedding march under his breath. “Aw, shuddup,” I hissed. He smirked in reply. “So, I’ll see you guys tomorrow? I have rehearsal at eight I think.”

“Why?” AJ asked.

I shrugged. “I’ll be awake anyway.” I laughed when AJ muttered something along the lines of ‘psycho’. “Bye guys,” I called and followed AJ out of the backyard. As soon as he was out of the vicinity of the backyard he put a cigarette up to his mouth. “I hope you don’t plan on smoking that,” I commented as he brought a lighter up to his mouth.

“Are you going to feed me some crock about cancer or something?” He asked.

“No, I was going to ask if you could wait until I wasn’t sitting near you to smoke it,” I replied. “It affects my asthma pretty badly.” He looked at me and then pulled the cigarette from between his lips. He dropped it on the ground and crushed it with his heel. “Thanks.” I put my stuff in the backseat and then climbed in and buckled my seatbelt.

He backed out of the driveway so fast I thought I was going to bash my forehead on the dashboard. AJ easily glided down the streets and into traffic, keeping his lead weight of a foot on the gas pedal as we took the highway entrance. A few feet onto the highway we were stuck in traffic.

“Oh come on,” AJ grumbled under his breath, looking at all of the cars in front of us. “We’re probably going to be here for hours.” I smiled at the idea. Usually the idea would’ve made me go stir-crazy in five seconds flat but I was kind of glad that I didn’t have to go home just yet. “What’re you grinning about?” AJ asked, looking at me.

“Remember back in L.A.? It was…our sixth day there, I think. Nick had begged us to go to the beach until we finally gave in. We were halfway there when we struck traffic. Remember?” I nudged him as a half smile formed on his face.

“Yeah, I remember,” he replied. “It was bumper to bumper and Nicky was whining about not getting to the beach fast enough. Finally, to pass time we turned up the radio and had a dance party on the road.” He chuckled while shaking his head. “It’s amazing the things you can convince us to do.”

“Hey, a little eyelash bat here and there can get a girl anywhere,” I replied with a laugh. “Those were some good times.”

“Yeah,” he sighed.

Good, he took the bait. “So why’d you have to go and screw it up?” I asked pointedly. His fingers clenched the steering wheel a bit tighter. He and I both knew it was useless. We weren’t going anywhere.

“Why can’t you just forget it?” He asked in a tight voice.

“Because I don’t forget,” I replied. “I may forgive, but I don’t forget and you never told me why you said it.”

“Do you care about what others think of you that badly?”

I bit my tongue. “No.”

“Liar.”

I rolled my eyes. “Everyone does, so sue me, and don’t change the subject. Why’d you do it?”

“Because my girlfriend hated that you were around, OK?” AJ snapped. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I never even met her. Why do I matter?” I demanded. This was ridiculous. AJ had actually been controlled by a girl? I didn’t think I’d ever see the day.

“Fiona’s…kinda jealous,” AJ replied slowly.. “She didn’t like the idea that you were coming in and helping us out.”

“So…you shot nonsense in my face because of a girl?” I asked slowly.

“Yeah…well…you believed me!” He shot back.

“I had a reason to,” I said and threw my arms into the air. “You were nothing but mean to me when we first met! How could I not believe what you were saying?”

“That’s ‘cause I hated your merry band of clones!” AJ explained.

“So you took it out on me?”

“You took your anger at me out on my group. Do you know how annoying it was to have to deal with a sulking Brian and Nick and have Kevin on my back while Howie kept giving me his puppy eyes?” His fingers drummed against the steering wheel. “Look we were both stupid—“

“One more than the other,” I muttered.

“—but I’m willing to let the whole thing go and move forward with this tour. OK? ‘Cause we’re going to be stuck with each other for months.”

“Don’t remind me,” I groaned in a teasing voice. “Ok, fine, we won’t mention it again.”

“Good.”

I turned to look out the window right as the traffic started to ease up and we were finally able to move. He seemed a bit too eager to get off the subject, though. Like he’s hiding something.

~*~*~*~*~

March 15th, 1998
Orlando, FL

“Sorry about the new songs on such short notice,” I said as I tossed my microphone back and forth in my hands.

“Don’t worry. I love practicing new songs at odd hours in the morning,” Gabe said as he played random chords on his guitar. I smacked him on the back of the head while walking across the stage that every act for the benefit would perform on.

 It was a simple square stage with all of the instruments pushed to the back. Every side except for the back of the stage would be surrounded by the victims’ families, fans, friends, and anyone at the park who wanted to hear live music for the night. I was so jazzed I could hardly sleep (part of it was ‘cause I talked to Justin all night).

“I gotta say, though, that these are your best songs to date,” Sevvie commented as she stood from her stool and walked out from behind the drums. I noticed that she towered over me more than usual. I looked down and saw that she was wearing four-inch red and white polkadot heels. How she manages to be a beast on the drums while wearing those is beyond me. “So tell me, what’s the inspiration?”

“Or should she say ‘who’?” Codie added, lifting her guitar over her shoulder and set it down on the ground.

“You mean you don’t know?” Lyric asked, looking up from her bass which was lying across her alp. She clipped the end of a string and looked up at me. I squinted at her while the others turned their direction to her. “She’s not doing a great job of hiding it,” she continued, kicking her legs in the air and clipping away happily.

“Lyric, shut up!” I hissed.

She looked at me with wide eyes. “What? I didn’t say anything about you having a massive crush on JC.”

“Lyric!”

She pulled a face. “Oooh…now I said it.”

“Ya think?”

“Wait, you like JC?” Gabe asked. “Since when?”

“Since always,” Lyric replied. “You haven’t noticed the hearts that practically form I her eyes whenever she looks at him?” She made a scoffing sound. “Where have you guys been?”

I grumbled under my breath and brought my palm up to my face, praying that they weren’t looking at me. I slowly lowered my hand and saw that they were still staring as if I’ve grown a second head. “Lyric, thanks for embarrassing me.”

She flashed a smile. “Anytime girl.”

“I worry about her,” I muttered.

“You aren’t the only one,” Sevvie replied. “Now what’s this about you crushing on JC and why didn’t we know?”

“Because it’s not important,” I replied. “And I don’t like him anymore.”

“How long have you liked him then?”

“Oh not that long…” I said with a dismissive wave of my hand. “Anyway, what matters right now is—“

“The fact that you’re changing the subject?” Codie questioned.

“—squeezing in enough time to hit all the good rides before the little kids get in the way,” I finished, ignoring her.

“Glad to know where your priorities are.” Codie rolled her eyes. “He has a girlfriend for crying out loud.”

“Codes, I’m aware of that and it’s not like I’ve done anything to screw them up.”

“Except blatantly hate her,” Gabe commented.

“When I want the peanut gallery’s commentary I’ll ask for it,” I said and stuck my tongue out at them.

They returned the gesture.

~*~*~*~*~

My fingers bounced against the tabletop. I looked at my watch again and let out a loud sigh. “Come on! They know how much I want to get going!” I grumbled to myself, and looked at my watch once more.  My band had opted for a day at the beach instead so here I was waiting alone for the guys to show up. Todd and Eric stood by, secretly looking at the mouse ear hats that were on sale at a nearby vendor. My bet was that they didn’t want to stick around incase a fight broke out. They had a good idea. My stomach was still in knots over this dumb idea that I had. I stood and turned to toss my Sprite bottle into the trashcan when I saw a familiar bleach-blonde head bobbing through the crowd.

“Ramen Head!” I squeezed my way through the crowd and jumped into Justin’s arms. I felt my feet leaving the ground. I laughed in delight as I was spun around.

“Smurfette!” Justin said, equally happy while giving me a squeeze. He finally set me down and I had to grab onto his arm to keep from falling over. Only when everything stopped tilting did I smile up at him.

“It’s about time you got here,” I said slapping his arm and then hugged Lance. “How was your flight? Everything go well? How were the shows?”

“Great. The fans are unbelievable,” Lance replied. “You should see them. They start freaking out whenever they catch a glimpse of us like we’re some sort of stars or something.” He chuckles and shakes his head at the notion.

“Did Superman throw up on you?” Justin laughed, pointing at my attire. I had taken the Florida weather into consideration and opted for my off-the-shoulder Superman t-shirt, red shorts, and my favorite black converses with rainbow laces.

“I think she looks hot,” Joey said with a wink and he put a kiss on my cheek.

“Thanks Joe,” I smiled at him.

Justin rolled his eyes. “He would say that.”

“I’m sorry, are you denying my natural beauty?” I asked. I tried to keep a straight face as long as I could but the look on Justin’s made me laugh. He looked as if he had just gotten in trouble with Lynn. “Where’s Josh?” I asked, putting my hands in my back pockets. Good, that came out as a normal sounding question, I thought when Chris shrugged.

“He and Bobbie stopped somewhere for something,” Lance said with a shrug of his own. Then he clapped his hands. “Who’s ready to hit some roller coasters?”

“Baby, I don’t want to go on any roller coasters.” I took a deep breath and forced myself to stay calm. I turned and lifted my eyebrows at Bobbie’s attire which consisted of a knotted white button down shirt, daisy dukes, and brown wedge heel boots. I bit back the comment that sat on the tip of my tongue and gave JC a little smile and a nod in greeting. I didn’t trust myself near him anymore, especially with the way Bobbie looks at me now.

“They’re not that bad,” JC told her, giving her hand a squeeze. She leaned into his arm as if she were afraid of the very thought of riding one.

“I’m not good with heights.”

“Neither is Chris. You can wait with him,” Justin said as he pointed in Chris’s direction. “He has a huge fear of heights.”

“It’s not a fear, it’s a phobia. Get it right,” Chris huffed.

“Well, we can’t go just yet anyway,” I said slowly and started biting my thumbnail as soon as they turned to look at me.

“Oh yeah?” Joey asked with a grin and then nudged me with his elbow. “Who’s the lucky boy?”

“Boys, actually,” I corrected him. His eyebrows went up. “I kinda…invited the Backstreet Boys…to spend the day with us.” I flinched when Chris and Justin let out cries of protest. “Come on, guys. I want to put this rivalry to bed, it’s ridiculous. I mean, Lance, Joey, and JC don’t have problems with them, just you. And they’re my friends.”

“Since when?” Chris asked.

“Since yesterday, I guess,” I replied. “Does it matter? I just want us all to get along. I mean, you’re a lot alike. J, you and Chris like to play basketball as much as Brian and Nick do. It won’t be that bad, just please try and get along with them. For me? Please?” I did my best to give them the puppy-dog pout.

“Ugh, someone say yes and stop her whining. It’s giving me a headache,” Bobbie grumbled, rubbing at her temples and then lowering her sunglasses over her eyes. Chris glared in her direction but it wasn’t noticed as she was too busy fluffing up her hair.

“Don’t listen to her,” Lance said with a smile. I rolled my eyes. “Come on, cheer up. We’re at the Happiest Place on Earth.”

Suddenly a heavily tattooed arm swung around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. “Yo, what up, Frenchie?” AJ said into my ear as soon as he let go. He actually looked somewhat normal today wearing a simple sleeveless shirt with a hooded vest, shorts, and a backwards hat. Of course his dark sunglasses sat on his face. “Guys,” he added, nodding towards *NSYNC.

They didn’t say anything. I stared at them hard until Joey smiled and greeted them warmly. I could always count on him. “So, what ride do you want to hit first?” I asked.

“Better question, who wants to go on roller coasters and who don’t?” Justin asked. “I mean. It’d be easier to split into groups, right?” He looked at me and I subtly shook my head. I knew what he was doing. He couldn’t pull one over on me, even if he did have a point.

So the groups ended up dwindling down to the roller coaster riders and the non-roller coaster riders. Justin, Lance, Chris, Nick. Kevin, and Howie made up the roller coaster group and JC, Chris, Bobbie, Brian, Leighanne, AJ, and I made up the other group.

“I’m going to have fun today, right?” I grumbled to Chris once I found out that Bobbie would be in our group.

“Of course, even if I have to force you to smile,” he replied. Then he stuck his fingers in my cheeks by my mouth and pulled up, making my lips form a smile.

~*~*~*~*~

“Ooh! Ooh! Funnel cake!” I shouted, pointing at the shop and jumping up and down. “Can we get some, please?”

“I wouldn’t mind taking a break,” Leighanne said while pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

“Oh, but we haven’t seen the Small World ride yet,” Bobbie commented in a bored tone. I was beginning to see red. It was one thing making fun of me, she could do that all she wanted. But making fun of Leigh? That was crossing the line. JC even laughed as if it were a joke.

“Why don’t you guys find some tables and we’ll get the funnel cake,” Brian offered, kissing Leighanne on the cheek. “Do you want powdered sugar?”

“I do!” I said, shoving my hand into the air and waving it around.

“You sure she didn’t eat some already?” AJ joked. He lightly slapped Chris’s arm and the four guys went to buy some funnel cake while Leighanne and I found a place to sit. Bobbie walked off with her cell phone glued to her ear.

“What is with her?” Leighanne asked.

I sighed. “She has a permanent stick up her ass. I’m sorry for her. She and JC are practically attached at the hip.”

Leighanne wrinkled her nose. “She kind of reminds me of Mandy.”

“Who’s Mandy?”

“Nic’s ex-girlfriend.” She lowered her voice as if she were afraid of being overheard, which was practically impossible with all the kids running around the place screaming. “She was very mean, not only to him but to the fans as well. She always cut down on the boys too.”

I couldn’t believe it. Why would someone as sweet as Nick date someone like that? “There had to be a reason he stayed with her for so long,” I said slowly, trying to keep the one possibility out of my head. I didn’t want bad images.

Leighanne shrugged. “She was as sweet as a rose at first. One day she just…changed. I think it was the idea of how much money Nick could get once the guys started to really make it. They broke up about eight months ago but it still hurts him. She was the first girl he was really serious about but she didn’t feel that way about him.”

“Poor Nicky.”

“He was crushed but he had it when she hit him,” Leighanne continued. My eyes widened and she nodded. “Sad but true. Bobbie doesn’t hit JC, does she?”

“No, they’re too busy sucking each other’s faces off,” I replied. “But there is something weird about her; I just can’t put my finger on it. It seems to me that she’s…I don’t know how to put it but it seems to me that she likes the…opportunities that comes with dating him, ya know?”

“Unfortunately, I do. But who are we to say why she’s with him, right?” Leighanne shrugged. “Keep tabs on him, though. Just in case.” She quickly jerked her head up as Bobbie walked back over to the table and sat down on Leighanne’s side.  She crossed one leg over the other and let out an impatient sigh. “What’s the matter? You don’t like Disney World?” Leighanne asked.

She shrugged. “It’s just not for me. I’m not an amusement park type of person. I don’t like the rides or the greasy food.” She snapped shut her compact mirror and then looked at me. I shrank under her gaze. “So, Superstar,” she basically spat the word at me even though it was hidden behind a sweet smile, “tell me, how long will you be on tour again?”

“Um…about three months I think,” I replied. “At least, that’s the original plan. I could stay longer.”

“Well, I hope you have the time of your life. After all, you deserve it.”

“Um…thank you?” I looked at Leighanne who shrugged as the others came back. “What is this?” I asked, poking at the funnel cake that AJ had set in front of me. Some weird looking red goo sat on top of it.

“Strawberry funnel cake,” he replied and cut his fork into it. “Strawberry’s your favorite fruit, right?”

“Yeah, but not on top of my funnel cake. It’s going to make it all soggy.”

“Yeah, AJ, heaven forbid her food touches,” Chris snickered, shoving a large bite of funnel cake into his mouth.

“Shut up.” I cut a piece of the funnel cake, making sure to get some strawberry on it. I hesitated and then put the warm cake into my mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “That is really good.”

“Careful, AJ, you might lose an eye if you get too close,” Chris joked as I shoved another piece into my mouth.

“Ha ha.” I rolled my eyes. While the rest of us dug into our food Bobbie sat by letting out little sighs of impatience. JC tried to get her eat some of the funnel cake but she declined, saying something about carbs and fat. Her negativity finally got to me that I had to escape to the bathroom for a bit or else I would’ve throttled her. I mean, we (well JC) invited her out for the day to have fun with friends and this is how she repays us?

I took a few deep breaths and left the bathroom, careful not to trip over a couple of kids that ran into my path. I found the guys by a hat stand, signing some autographs for a few fans that bounced on their toes in front of them. I chuckled and grabbed a jester hat off of the stand and modeled it for Leighanne. “What do you think?”

“It’s very you,” she laughed while placing a tiara on her head. “How about me?”

“Very beautiful, My Queen.” I gave a little curtsey and cracked up with her. “Hey look at these!” I took off my jester hat and pulled down two Mickey Mouse hats, one was a black top hat and the other was a white top hat with a veil. “These are so cool,” I said as I held out the white one to Leighanne and put the black one on. “Leighanne Wallace, will you do me the honor of being my wife?” I asked while she laughed.

“Hey, that’s my line,” Brian said as he took the hat off my head and put it on his own.

“I’m going to have to say yes to Brian. He’s more my type, I hope you understand,” Leighanne giggled.

“And here I thought we were happy together,” I joked while reaching into my drawstring bag. I quickly snapped their picture.

“Hey guys, we’re going to go take a look around the um…the um…” JC muttered as Bobbie yanked on his arm.

“You promised you’d go on Splash Mountain with me,” I pointed out.

“We can do it later,” JC called as Bobbie dragged him away.

“Yeah, whatever,” I mumbled.

“Uhh…why don’t we go on the Haunted Mansion ride?” Chris jumped in.

“Chris, that ride’s not scary,” Brian pointed out.

“Who said we’d go on it because it’s scary? I am to scare the other riders,” Chris said with an evil grin.

“Now that sounds like fun,” AJ said as they high fived.

“You guys do that and we’ll go search for hidden Mickeys,” Brian said, hugging me to his side. “It’ll be fun, I promise. Leigh and I have found twenty-five so far.”

“Yeah, and we have a whole roll of film to put to good use,” AJ agreed, taking my camera out of my hands. Brian and Leighanne squeezed in on my two sides as AJ took a picture. A good day of fun with my friends was long overdue and ready to be accepted.

JC being a jerk couldn’t put a damper on my spirits.

~*~*~*~*~

“Abbey that’s enough hair spray!” I said as I waved the cloud of sweet smelling chemicals away from my face. I adjusted my in-ears as she hovered around my head, pulling a brush through my hair. I could hear the cheers of the waiting fans and storm victims over by the stage.

The day went by faster than I had hoped. After a while we ran into the other group and decided to spend the rest of the time searching for hidden Mickeys. Every now and then we had to stop to take pictures with fans and sign autographs but I didn’t mind. Everyone was having a good time, that’s all that mattered. All of my friends were finally getting along. Even Justin and Nick seemed to put their rivalry behind each other for the day, well up until they bet that the other would get sick first after going on the teacup ride.

Night fell quickly and the next thing we knew we were being ushered into the backlot to get ready for the show. A handful of acts had already gone on, including *NSYNC (who rocked as usual), and now it was my turn. My mom and Dad came in a few minutes ago with my aunt Abbey and little cousins to wish me luck. Abbey stuck around to help me with my hair and makeup.

“Hey, are you about ready?” Liam asked as he walked into the area. He waved his hands in front of his face to clear the air of the hairspray cloud.

“Told you,” I said with a smirk in Abbey’s direction. “Liam, this is my aunt Abbey. She’s going to be my guardian while on tour.”

“Nice to meet you,” Liam said with a nod. Then he turned to my band. “Are your instruments ready?”

“Liam, relax, we made sure everything was set up,” Gabe told him, lifting his in-ear monitors to his ears. “There’s no way this show can tank.”

“Do you plan on dancing at all?” Liam questioned.

“No, I wasn’t planning on it,” I replied while Abbey adjusted my battery pack and then shoved it in my back pocket. “Should I, though?”

“If there’s enough time after your set I say you should,” Liam replied. “Give them all an idea that you’re not just a singer but you can dance as well. A good portion of them already know some things about you and they know that you’re connected to the Backstreet Boys but they aren’t sure how just yet. There might be a little interview session after your set as well. They did it with a few other acts.”

“Duly noted.” I hiked up my pants again. “You mind finding me a belt?” I asked, shoving my fists into my pockets to keep them up.

“I’ll get it,” Abbey said and moved around to the clothes corner.

“You ready to pray?” Lyric asked, holding out her hand. I nodded and grasped her hand as well as Gabe as he muttered a prayer, thanking the Lord for our opportunities and to watch over us tonight. As soon as we let go of each other’s hands the energy in the room seemed to heighten and we started bouncing around the room. It helped that LL Cool J’s “Momma Said Knock You Out” started playing and made us even more pumped up.

“We’re gonna knock this out! Momma said knock this out!” Lyric started chanting as she jumped around the room. “We’re gonna knock this out! Momma said knock this out, huh!”

Liam looked at his watch and then clapped his hands. “Alright, guys, it’s showtime.”

“Hands in everyone,” I ordered, holding on my left hand while Abbey slipped a yellow fingerless arm warmer over my right hand.

Gabe, Lyric, Sevvie, and Codie scrambled over and put their hands in and then we started our ‘Tick Tick Boom’ chant in unison. “Tick…tick…tick…tick…ticktickticktick BOOM!” We threw our hands into the air and followed Liam out the door, across a section of the backlot, and to the back of the stage. I took my microphone from a stage hand and started bouncing on my toes as Liam went to introduce me. Finally, to cheers and applause, we ran onto the stage. I laughed when I saw that my friends had practically taken up the entire front row.

“What’s up Orlandooooooo?” I called as Sevvie hit the cymbals to start the first song and the others came in with high energy. “Another day, is going by…I'm thinkin' about you all the time…ut you're out there and I'm here waiting…” I sang while moving around the stage. In the beginning part of the verse Gabe was the only one playing his guitar so Codie and Lyric grabbed theirs and started spinning around in circles. The lights only illuminated the first few rows but I could see figures behind them bouncing around and clapping in time to the song.

Gabe joined in on backing vocals, “And I wrote this letter in my head, ‘cause so many things were left unsaid. But now you’re gone and I can’t think straight.”

I moved over to the side of the stage where the guys were and waved at them, grinning at their enthusiasm. I could see the red light on my dad’s, Kevin’s, and Joey’s video cameras so I crouched down and sang right into them. “This could be the one last chance to make you understand, yeah. I’d do anything, just to hold you in my arms. Try to make you laugh, ‘cause somehow I can’t put you in the past. I’d do anything, just to fall asleep with you. Would you remember me? ‘Cause I know I won’t forget you….”

Somehow I managed to find a good rhythm in the song and danced around the stage while the others rocked out. I could tell from the smiles on their faces that they were having the time of their lives. How many people can say that they played a show in Disney World or all places? It was the best audience too. People of all ages could hear my music and know that I was the real deal.

“Thank you,” I said into the microphone and gave a little bow at the closing of a song. This night was going by way too fast.  A stagehand rushed out and placed a stand in front of me. “Thank you,” I added, turning to him. He gave me a salute and got off the stage. “How’re you doing tonight, Orlando?” I asked while the others adjusted their guitars and got ready for the next song. My ears were met with loud applause. I chuckled when I heard Justin and Chris scream out that they loved me like a bunch of their fans do. “Thanks, I love you guys too,” I said while adjusting my in-ear. “I just wanted to take the time…to say…that I appreciate you all coming out here in support of the tornado victims,” I said while panting slightly. “If it weren’t for all of you coming out and giving up your time we wouldn’t be able to raise nearly as much money as they do to rebuild their homes and their lives and I want to thank you all for it. Give yourselves a round of applause.” As they cheered and clapped I looked over at Gabe who gave me a thumbs up signal. I looked at the girls and they gave me a thumbs up as well. “Ok, I have…two more songs for you all. But first, I want to see hands in the air. To my girls out there, who of you have fallen for someone you’re not supposed to before?” I shielded my eyes from the light as hands went into the air. “Ok, good, so I won’t sound like a dork when I sing this next song because you all know what this feels like. This song is called “Stop This Song” or “Lovesick Melody” whichever you prefer.”

I backed away from my microphone as they started the song. I bounced around the stage and jumped on top of the monitors which were positioned at the crowd before the song finally came in. I grinned at the sour look on Bobbie’s face before I closed my eyes and let all my emotions out in the song. “You say the sweetest things and I can't keep my heart from singing…along to the sound of your song my stupid feet keep moving…to this 4/4 beat, I'm in time with you…whoa, to this 4/4 beat I would die for you,” I sang.

“Die for you,” Lyric came in on time, always having my back. “Someone stop this…”

I opened my eyes a bit and looked in the guys’ direction. I had to be sure he heard me. “I've gone too far to come back from here, but you don't have a clue…You don't know what you do to me. Won’t someone stop this song so I won’t sing along? Someone stop this song. So I won’t sing…” I backed away from the microphone again. At the little pause I noticed the audience was eerily silent but I kept going. “I never let love in so I could keep my heart from hurting…The longer that I live with this idea, the more I sink into this 4/4 beat I'm in time with you…Whoa, to this 4/4 beat I would die for you.”

“Stop this song,” Lyric came in with her somber yet powerful croon.

I opened my eyes fully and zeroed in on him. No one else was in the crowd but he and I sang right to him. “I've gone too far to come back from here, but you don't have a clue…You don't know what you do to me…I've come too far to get over you, and you don't have a clue…You don't know what you do to me.”

Lyric joined me in the backing vocals for the chorus this time. “Can't someone stop this song, so I won't sing along…Someone stop this song, so I won't sing…Your lovesick melody is gonna get the best of me tonight…but you won't get to me if I don't sing…”

“C’mon Orlando, hands up!” I called and clapped along to Sevvie hitting the snare drum. Seeing the pissed off look on Bobbie’s face made a smirk come to mine and I gave the rest of the song everything I had. “It creeps in like a spider that can't be killed…although I try and try to…Well, don't you see I'm falling?...Don't wanna love you, but I do…” I backed away from the mic feeling my heart beating against my chest. It was the first time I had admitted the words outloud and it felt great. Lyric smiled over at me from where she was playing the bass and it seemed, in that look, that she was telling me that everything would be OK in the end.

I stepped forward to the mic, gripped the stand, and sang the last part of the song with Lyric, “(Lovesick melody) Can someone stop this song, so I won't sing along? (Lovesick melody) Can someone stop this song, so I won't sing? Your lovesick melody is gonna get the best of me tonight…nut you won't get to me…no you won't get to me 'cause I won't sing.”

The song ended abruptly as darkness faded over the stage and I hung my head. A sound like rain hitting the ground filled my ears which then turned into roaring applause. I smiled and lifted my head as the lights came up once more and I blew kisses to the crowd.

“Thank you so much, once again. Thank you Orlando. This is my last night here at home, tomorrow I’m heading out to Ireland to tour with the Backstreet Boys—“ shrieks from the girls in the crowd interrupted me. I laughed and waited patiently for it all to die down “—and I wanted to thank you all for making my last night here memorable. I had a blast and I hope you guys did too.” Gabe started playing the intro to ‘Pressure’ and I was surprised when a ripple of screams went through the crowd. “Oh, do you know this song?” I asked and smiled when screams went through the crowd again. “I want you all to promise, when this single comes out in stores, that each and every one of you will buy a copy for two…or three.”

We went through the two verses and the chorus of the song as planned but stopped right before the bridge. Lyric kept playing her bass riff while Sevvie tapped out the beat. I walked to the front of the stage and bowed before bringing my microphone up to my mouth again. “Now…how many of you have been to a Mini D show before?” I asked. Then I doubled over laughing when Justin lead the others in loud screams. “You guys don’t count,” I scolded, waving my finger in their direction. “Ok, how many of you…have never been to a Mini D show before?” I held up my microphone and soaked in the screams. “By the way, that’s one of my nicknames, in case you didn’t figure that one out. So I guess…that means I have to introduce my lovely band back here. Without them…I would really suck.” Lyric reached out to tweak my nose and I batted her hand away.

“How about we start over here…with my lovely flame haired friend?” I said and waved my hand in Lyric’s direction. At the applause she placed two fingers to her forehead and gave a salute. “The funkiest of them all. My friends, this happens to be my very good friend, being a beast on the bass guitar…LYRIC WILLIAMS!”

She played the riff a bit loud while I walked over to the drumkit. “And over here…behind the drums…wearing a killer four inch stiletto…” Sevvie stood and lifted a leg over her drumkit and dragged her hand up her leg from her foot to her knee to show off her heels. “Give it up for…SEVILEN PETERS.”

She sat down and spun a drumstick around her fingers before playing the beat of the song. I nodded my head to the beat and sauntered across the stage a bit more. I looked between Codie and Gabe and then walked over to Codie. “Ooh goodness.” Codie laughed and threw a pick at me. “Everyone, this lady with the guitar…this happens to be…” I put my arm around her shoulders and rested my head on her shoulder closest to me. “CODIE SIMPSON!”

She curtsied and did a pick slide while joining in on the song with the others and I walked over to Gabe. “Over here, on the lead guitar,” I said while pointing at him. As if he needs an introduction…Ladies and gentlemen, the sexy GABE NICHOLS!”

He joined in with the lead guitar part while I walked to the center of the stage. All at once it stopped and Gabe leaned against his microphone stand. “Hey guys,” he addressed the crowd. “We’re going to finish this show soon so I’ll keep it short. To my…” he paused and held his hands in front of him to form an ‘L’ with both fingers. “To my left,” he said and jerked his thumb in my direction while I laughed. “Is this wonderful young lady…vocal powerhouse…pint sized…dark headed…Mackenzie Charlotte, everybody.”

I exaggerated my bows and waves and blew kisses to the crowds as if I had just won some award. “Thank you Gabe. Now Orland, we have to finish this song right. I want to hear everybody singing.” Lyric then did her twist through the air and we finished up the song, feeding off energy from the crowd. “Feel the pressure, it’s getting closer now…we’re better off without…” I sat down on top of a monitor. I placed my free hand on top of my eyes and moved my head so it was looking at something and pointed at the flip that Lyric executed over Gabe’s back as I hit the word ‘you’. “Feel the pressure, well it’s getting closer now…you’re better off without me.”

Screams and applause roared around us as Sevvie got up from behind the drumkit and joined us at the front of the stage. I stood on top of the monitor to get extra height over them while we grasped hands. We lifted them up and then bowed in unison.

“Thank you so much, Orlando! Enjoy your night at the park and see you next time!”

~*~*~*~*~

Bobbie looked at her watch again and then looked around the small Disney-themed restaurant. She was about to stand when the bell above the door rang. She settled back in her seat. “Finally,” Bobbie said as her friend sat down.

“It’s been too long,” “Fiona” commented.

“Really.” Bobbie nodded. “How’re things going on your end?”

“Fiona” rolled her eyes. “Alex isn’t even talking to me now but from what I heard they’re friends again so that plan isn’t working too well but I have another one forming. What about you?”

“I’m doing well. I’m helping the little brat get the picture that she can’t step on my territory,” Bobbie replied with a grin. “Fi, I have her running like a scared little puppy.”

“Fiona” smiled. “You don’t have to call me Fiona here, Bobbie. No one will overhear us.”

Bobbie sighed. “Sorry, Mandy. So what’s your new plan?”

Mandy grinned. “Get my man back of course.”

Bobbie blinked. “But…from what I’ve heard Nick is interested in…her. Or, at least, he’s starting to from what Josh says. How are you going to get her back and not let AJ find out?”

“I have it all planned out, Bobbie, don’t worry.” She lifted the water glass that was sitting on her table. “In all due time, my friend, we will have our men and have that girl running for the hills before the year is over.”

“Hear hear.”

They clinked their glasses together.

March 16th, 1998
Orlando, FL

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena/Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena/Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena/Hey Macarena! (Ay!)

I laughed until tears fell down my face as Joey and I danced crazily to the song, making sure to avoid the many suitcases that were strewn across the floor. We had finally gotten back from the Disney party around eleven. Everyone had come back to our place to continue the party with cake and music. My guys and the Backstreet Boys seemed to continue to bond through the festivities, Nick, Justin, Brian, and Chris ended up in a huge Mario Kart 64 tournament before the Boys had to leave. I guess Justin was trying to make up for them “losing” the BSB vs ‘N Sync basketball game back in Germany.

Mom, Dad, Abbey, my twin baby cousins, and my grandparents showered me with gifts and hugs and a lot of tears. Honestly, I didn’t see the cause for celebration but I went along with it anyway. The Boys left around midnight so I figured it was a good time as any to get them to help me pack up the rest of my stuff. And by ‘the rest’ I mean everything since I hadn’t started packing at all. But, of course, I got a little sidetracked.

“Guys, come on. We have to get finished,” Lance said, even though he was laughing.

“We wouldn’t have to worry about it if Mack actually bothered to pack on time,” JC commented, shoving one of my many pairs of converses into a bag.

I rolled my eyes at Joey who jabbed the off button on the living room stereo. “Sorry for being an inconvenience to you, Gramps. Remind me not to breathe too loud in case that bugs you too.” I stepped over a few piles of clothes to an unusually lumpy suitcase. Grinning, I knelt down next to it. “Hmm, I don’t remember packing this suitcase already,” I mused aloud as giggles came from inside of it. “I wonder what’s in here.” I grabbed the lid and lifted it. “A-ha!” I yelled in David’s and Julie’s faces. They squealed and climbed out of the suitcase, big smiles were on their faces. “I thought I put you two to bed already,” I said as I grabbed them around the waist.

“There’s a bear down the hall,” David giggled in French while squirming, trying to get out of my arms.

“That’s ridiculous; there are no bears in this house,” I replied, quickly switching languages.

“We heard it,” Julie giggled.

“A bear, huh?” I pulled them close and lifted them off of the ground. “That’s not a bear, that’s my daddy. Uncle Philippe sure snores loud, doesn’t he?” I asked while carrying them back upstairs.

“Cousin, why does Uncle Philippe sleep all the time?” David asked as I pushed open the door to the guest room. I put them down and they scrambled over to the twin beds as I turned on the lamp. David latched onto the white stuffed bear with his short, pudgy arms and let out a bit yawn.

“Your Uncle Philippe’s sick. Remember what your mother told you?” I replied and pulled the covers up to his chin. “He has…”

“Cancer,” Julie whispered, squeezing the pink stuffed kitten. “Cousin, what’s cancer?”

“Cancer is basically a fancy way to say that the cells in his body are fighting against him,” I explained, and pulled the covers up to her chin. I gave them each a kiss. “Now, no more getting out of bed,” I ordered while turning off the lamp.

“When’s Mommy coming back?” David asked, his voice really small in the dark room.

I turned the lamp back on. “She hasn’t even left yet but your mom and I will be back in about three months. You’ll stay with Uncle Ashton until then.”

“Don’t forget about us,” Julie yawned. Her eyelashes fluttered as her lids slowly closed over her bright brown eyes.

“Never,” I whispered into the dark room as soon as I turned off the light. “Bonne nuit,” I added and closed the door. I quickly walked down the hall to Dad’s room and listened quietly. He didn’t like sleeping with the door closed so I could hear him tossing and turning. I held my breath and waited for him to make noise. Why isn’t he breathing? I let out a sigh of relief when I heard him take a long breath which quickly switched to a loud snore. I covered my mouth to keep from laughing and went back downstairs. “Sorry about that,” I said as I walked back into the living room.

“Hey, what time’s your flight again?” Lance asked, looking up from a clipboard. The only way they could help me organize my stuff was by separating it by clipboards. Sad but true.

“3 I think,” I replied. “Why?”

“If you want to get some sleep we can finish this for you,” he replied, waving his arms around at the piles of clothes and stuff lying around.

“Well, Ireland’s five hours ahead and it’s a thirteen hour flight. I’m leaving here at 3 AM and we get there at 4 PM Orlando time, 9 PM Ireland time,” I replied, scrunching up my face as I did the quick math in my head. “Which basically means I’ll basically be sleeping a day away. But thanks for the offer, Lancie. ‘Sides, I don’t want Chris or Joey near my unmentionables,” I added, shooting a look in their direction. “Again.”

“It was a misunderstanding,” Chris said with a wave of his hand as if dismissing the conversation.

“Right, ‘cause I imagined you two going through my underwear drawer,” I said while grabbing a shirt and shoving it into my suitcase.

“You did what?” Justin asked, sitting up on the couch, narrowing his eyes at Joey and Chris.

“Chill, Baby J,” Chris said with a roll of his eyes. “We’re not perverts or anything. We were looking for stationary.”

“And you expected to find it in her underwear drawer?” JC asked in confusion.

“Let’s stop talking about my underwear, shall we?” I said and looked around the room. “Lance, you’re taking too long!” I said and grabbed a nearby pile. I shoved it into one of my suitcases and closed the lid. I frowned at the bulge that was in the middle of it. “Hey Chris, I need your ass,” I announced, trying to force the lid down on my suitcase.

“Why don’t you asked Slacker McGee over there to help you?” Chris asked, motioning in Justin’s direction.

“You’re closer,” I replied, although Chris did have a point. Justin was the only one who wasn’t helping. He was just lying down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t even join in on our video game break and he never resisted the opportunity to beat our asses in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. I bit my lip and moved out of the way as Chris took a flying leap and landed on my suitcase. I struggled with the zipper a little bit and finally got it closed. “OK, one down, a billion more to go,” I announced.

“Do you have…hair styling products?” JC asked, looking up from his clipboard.

“Check,” I said, nodding in the direction of my pile of my flatiron, curlers, and things.

“Makeup?”

“Got it.”

Justin made a scoffing sound but I ignored it. “Girl stuff?”

I smiled wickedly. “What exactly is ‘girl stuff’ JC? You have to be specific.”

JC’s lip twitched. “You know what I’m talking about.”

“No, really I don’t,” I said as innocently as possible. “Do you mean…I don’t know…tampons?” I snickered at the guys wining. “Or pads or wipes or cups or napkins or—“

“Yes, that stuff,” JC interrupted me. “Just…make sure you have…that stuff packed.”

“Geeze, you have a girlfriend,” I commented, doing my best to ignore the jab in my chest at the word. “I figured you’d be used to that stuff by now.”

“We men like to go along the philosophy of ‘Ignorance is bliss’,” Joey explained.

“Let’s see how long that works,” I said with a laugh.

“Hey Mack, go and check you room one more time,” Lance said while placing folded clothes into another suitcase.

“Why? I know I got everything,” I replied.

“It’s good to double check, just go.”

“Fine.” I got to my feet and walked over the piles of clothes. At least they were dwindling now. They didn’t seem as daunting as before. “J, do you want to come double check with me?” I tried to keep my voice from making it sound like I was pleading, but I basically was. What was going on with him?

“No, I’m fine here,” he replied, tugging his blue North Carolina hat off of his head and covering his face with it.

“It won’t kill you to walk up a flight of stairs, you haven’t done anything,” JC pointed out.

“It’s not my fault she waited until the last minute,” Justin grumbled.

“A bee sting you where the sun don’t shine?” Joey asked, tying the laces on a pair of shoes together. “Just get up and look!”

Justin let out a long and loud groan, as if getting off of his ass was doing some huge service. I took a deep breath and walked let it out as I walked with him up the stairs, being careful not to wake up my cousins or my dad.

I pushed open my bedroom door and turned on the light. I felt a smile tugging on my lips while looking around the decorated room again. I hated having to leave the place after just getting used to the change.

“I think you have everything packed,” Justin commented, looking around the room. He lightly kicked his feet at the floor.

I could choke on the weird tension in the room. I hated it. We never had awkward moments and it seemed like since the day started we’d trip over them. Even Lynn noticed that something was going on. I’m sure the other guys could tell what it was as well. I tried to ignore it but it got harder as the day went on. I mean, how hard was it for him to say that he was going to miss me? He hadn’t even said it once yet, whereas the others practically burst into tears over the thought of me leaving (OK, that one’s just Chris).

I looked around my room, taking in the stale scent of freshly painted walls. The room felt weird now as I looked around to see how empty it looked. Everything else was still there but…it looked more like a guest room than my room.

“It’s weird, everything being so empty,” I tried.

Justin nodded. “Kinda like you moving out,” he muttered.

“My mom’d be a worse blubbering mess than she is now,” I replied, pushing some of my hair behind my ear.

“So what’s going to happen with those two?” He asked. “With the marriage and all?”

At least he’s talking now. “They’re planning on getting married next summer,” I replied. “They’re thinking June right now but July seems to be better.”

“Have they talked about where yet?” He asked while tugging a loose thread from his shirt.

“Maybe back home but having a summer wedding in Memphis might not be a good idea,” I replied.

Justin cracked a smile. I felt my shoulders relax as if the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. “Is Mike planning on adopting you or anything?”

I frowned. I hadn’t even thought of that as a possibility. “If he does…that means Dad won’t have legal custody over me anymore,” I replied. “I think that’d kill him.” I paused and then gasped at the words that just came out of my mouth.

“Relax, it’s not like you put a nail in his coffin,” Justin said with a roll of his eyes.

“I shouldn’t have said it anyway.”

“He didn’t hear you.”

“It’s the context.”

He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair as if trying to get something out of it. “So…three months,” I said slowly.

“Yup.” He nodded. “Like being away for the summer.”

“But we’re working.”

He shrugged. “It’s fun work.”

“Right.” God, why won’t he say that he’ll miss me? I’ve given him every opportunity!

“Did you pack your camera stuff?” He asked, turning to look out the window and across the dark backyard.

“Yeah, it was the first thing I packed,” I replied, moving over to my dresser. I pulled open the drawers to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. Not that I would have, I’m usually really organized “Couldn’t forget that. Not especially after mom and dad got me that new album.”

“Right.”

 I played with the handle on my dresser and let out a breath, then looked up at Justin, I gave a little smile and said, “Don’t forget to call me, OK?”

He made a scoffing sound and looked at anywhere but at me. “Of course I won’t forget to call you. Geeze, Mack, stop being such a girl.”

I blinked. “What?”

He shrugged. “You’re freaking over nothing. It’s not like I’m going to forget you just ‘cause you’re gone or something.” He had a bit of an edge to his voice, as if he were mad about me insinuating that he would forget about me. But I hadn’t even done anything and that rubbed me the wrong way.

“Why is it that I’m being a ‘girl’ when I just ask that you call me whenever you can?” I asked slowly.

He pulled a face. “I meant nothing by it, don’t be so over dramatic.”

“I’m not being dramatic,” I grumbled.

“Yes you are,” he replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I just asked you a simple question! You’re the one who’s being over dramatic, biting my head off for nothing,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest as well. “You’ve been weird all day.”

He scoffed. “I haven’t been anything. I’m just letting you know that I won’t always be able to get a chance to call you or whatever.”

“So, what, now you’re not even going to try?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

“We’ll both be busy,” he explained. “It’ll be like playing phone tag all of the time. Is there really a point in even trying?”

“So now you don’t want to talk to me?”

“No!” He cried out, grabbing his head as if he were in pain. ”Why’re you acting like this?”

“Why are you?” I shot back.

He didn’t say anything. He just shook his head and turned to walk out the door. “Why’re you running away?” I yelled at his back. He pulled the door shut behind him. It slammed against the frame and I winced at the sound. I whirled around and grabbed Lance’s Taz pillow and screamed into it. The fabric muffled the sound and I instantly felt better. Not by much though ‘cause he still didn’t say it and, instead of spending my last few hours at home with my friends I was fighting with one of them, which sucked majorly.

“Sweetie, are you OK?” Grammaw asked as she knocked on the door and entered the room. She was followed by PopPop. It was kinda creepy looking in their faces and seeing Dad’s face basically looking back at me.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Mémé,” I replied. “By the way, I’m changing your ‘special’ name. Yours and Mamaw’s were too close together.” I looked at PopPop who stayed by the door. “I’m going to call you PéPé from now on, too.” I shook my head. “What was I thinking? I know I was only four, but come on!”

Pépé chuckled as well as Mémé. “You’re just like your father,” she commented. I lifted an eyebrow.

“You always change the subject when you don’t want to talk about something,” Pépé explained, his Canadian accent thick.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I picked up my blue tinted sunglasses and clutched Taz tighter to my chest.  “I mean, I’m going to be away from everything for three months, I won’t have time to talk to my friends, and I can’t bring my dogs with me but that’s not important enough to talk about. It’s very miniscule actually.”

“You got the rambling from our part of the family too,” Mémé added.

“What’s three months? Surely not longer than sixteen years,” Pépé commented.

“What do you mean?”

“I always dreamed that you and your father would stay in Canada with us,” Mémé explained as she smoothed out the wrinkles in her pants and crossed one leg over the other. “C’etait mon espoir. But I knew it would be harder to raise you in Montreal, especially since your mother didn’t have dual citizenship and it was easier for him to move to the US. You lived in Memphis until you were about eleven and then moved here. Were you scared when you left Memphis?”

“No.”

“Was it hard to transition?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “It was fairly easy, except for the meeting new people part. After about two weeks I felt like I was right at home.”

“So what’s three months?” She asked, lifting her eyebrows. “Ma petite fille, you’ve told us time and time again you were doing this to help pay your father’s hospital bills.”

I nodded. “Even with your help and Poppy’s help it wouldn’t be enough so I have to help.”

“So you shouldn’t let a little fight get in your way.”

“I never said I was having second thoughts.”

“Not out loud,” Pépé pointed out.

Mémé ran her fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes at the touch. “You both need to let go. You’ll always be there for each other and I’m sure he’ll be waiting for you to get back. Three months fly by pretty fast. Before you know it you’ll be back and stirring up trouble like you two always do,” she said.

I cracked a smile but it faded almost as soon as it formed. “But will it kill him to say that he’ll miss me?” I asked, lightly hitting Taz against my legs.

“Will it kill you?”

“Ugh, why am I always the wrong one?” I grumbled.

“You’ll be right sooner or later,” she said with a laugh and gave me a hug. Pépé followed suit. “If there is any way you can come by Canada while on this tour—“

“Of course I’ll come over, no need to ask me twice. I miss poutine,” I interrupted her. Mémé threw her head back and laughed, hugged me again, and got up. “And your father will be OK while you’re gone,” she added, as if reading my mind.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because we are Desrosiers and we are strong willed people. We don’t give up without a fight.”

Here we are now
Everything’s about to change
We face tomorrow as we say goodbye to yesterday
A chapter ending but the story’s only just begun
A page is turning for everyone

I smiled and nodded as they left the room. Clutching Taz under one arm and holding my sunglasses in the other I walked over to the window and looked out over the dark backyard. The lights from downstairs illuminated the still water and made it shine like diamonds were placed on top of it. Tearing my eyes away from the sight I took one more look around the room to make sure I didn’t forget anything. My eyes drifted to my desk and I almost laughed out loud at what I had left behind.

Grabbing it, I turned and started to go downstairs but I stopped myself. I quickly went back into my room and grabbed the letter off of my bed. I crept into Dad’s room and left it on top of his dresser, sure that I’d be the first thing he saw the next morning. The chemo was so strong it knocked him out for hours when he was in a lot of pain. Sighing, I left the room and went back downstairs where Chris was jumping up and down on one particularly large suitcase as Joey and JC struggled to zip it shut.

“What’s in there?” I asked while walking to the center of the room.

“All of your shoes,” Joey grunted. “Tell me again why girls need so many pairs of shoes.”

“To go with different outfits, duh,” I replied.

“Did you forget anything?” Lance asked, turning around on the couch to look at me. He had a half smile on his face, as if expecting that he knew I had left something behind.

“Yeah, my passport,” I replied, holding it up to show him.

“I knew you’d forget something,” he said with a smirk.

“How’d you know I forgot something though?”

“Because you always forget something when you’re really sure you didn’t,” he said with a laugh. Then he looked down at the pillow in my hands. “Hey! I was wondering where that went.”

“You let me keep it. Remember when you were going back to Mississippi for school?” I said while jumping over the back couch and landing next to him. I clutched the Taz a bit tighter. “But if you want it back…”

“No, it’s fine, you can keep it.”

“Good!” I grabbed my stuffed husky dog off of the floor and gave it to him. “And you can have Nanookie, to remember me by.”

“You’re not dead,” Lance pointed out while taking the stuffed toy. “But thanks anyway,”

“Hey, why does Lance get a present?” Chris asked, dropping down on the suitcase once more. Joey and JC were finally able to pull the zipper over.

“Because he didn’t give me premature gray hair,” I replied.

“I want a present! I want a present!”

“You’re worse than my cousins,” I groaned. “And they have an excuse. Your present is me not killing you for getting near my underwear.”

“That’s a crappy present,” Chris muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What about me?” Joey asked eagerly.

“Hey, he shouldn’t get anything either. He went through your drawer too,” Chris protested.

Your ‘present’ can be my girl interpretation,” I replied. “Anytime you two are having trouble figuring out Kelly or Dani just talk to me and I can tell you what’s wrong easily.” I smirked and added, “I kind of understand the girl language.”

“Ooh, that’s a good one, mind spreading that one out to all of us?” Lance asked.

“What about me? Let me guess, you’re going to get me a pack of sewing needles, right?” JC asked dryly.

“Give me some dang credit,” I mumbled. “My carry-on is on that chair. Take out the red notebook,” I told him. He looked at the bag and then back at me as if it were to explode on contact. I rolled my eyes and huffed. He reached into the bag and pulled out the notebook.

“What is it?” He asked.

“Open it, dumbass.”

“Mackenzie Charlotte!” I winced when I heard Mom scold from the kitchen.

“Sorry, Mom!” I called back.

JC snickered and opened the notebook. He flipped past a couple of pages before an eyebrow lifted. “Why’re you giving me this?” He asked, finally understanding what it was.

“Because for the past four year’s you’ve continuously complained and whined and bitched and moaned about how you didn’t ‘know me’,” I added finger quotes, “So I figured this’ll finally get you off my back on that topic.” I may sound dismissive but I meant every word I said. JC deserved it, after me being a bitch to him for so many years. The guys, aside from Justin, still didn’t know me that well so I figured, why not? Also, they can’t badger me about what’s written in it to my face while I’m gone so the timing was perfect.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Well, don’t sound so astonished,” I scoffed. “So…what’re you guys doing tomorrow?” I quickly took a look at the clock on the wall. “Well, today, technically.”

“We’re taping Ricki Lake,” Lance replied before anyone could speak up.

“Scoop strikes again,” Chris laughed.

“Is everything all packed? They say we should start loading up the car,” Justin commented while walking into the room. Silence fell over all of us and the guys didn’t move. I was the first one to get up and get my shoes on and start moving bags. They then followed me and picked up the others.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go
Wherever I go

“Mom, stop looking at me like that,” I groaned as I stepped back into the house once more. Her eyes were shiny with tears and she was fanning at her face. “Get a grip, please,” I sighed. “We haven’t even gone to the airport yet.”

“I’m not going to last that long,” she sighed, wiping at her eyes.

“Good thing Momma Lynn’s driving or we’d all be lying in a ditch,” I said. I gave Mom a little bump with my hip to let her know that I was joking while I walked over to my carryon bag. I put my passport and wallet in the front pocket so I could easily get to it once we got to the airport. Then I grabbed the big black sweatshirt that was sitting by it and tugged it over my head. I frowned when I heard Little J’s and Oreo’s whimpers from the laundry room. “Are you sure I can’t bring them with me?” I asked Mom.

“Unless you want to pay extra every time you fly around,” she replied, hugging me again. “Isn’t it a little warm for this sweatshirt?” She asked, tugging at the sleeve.

I ducked under her arm and grabbed my bag and the Taz pillow. “It’s freezing in Ireland, supposedly,” I replied. ”I’m not taking any chances.” It wasn’t a complete lie but I wasn’t going to tell her that the only reason I had it was ‘cause it smelled like Justin and, God forbid, I didn’t want to forget the way he smelled.

“Do you have everything?” Lynn asked as she walked into the house. Despite it being early she still looked fantastic and every curl was in the right place.

I nodded. “Can you wait just a second?” I asked before dashing into the kitchen. Mike had just gotten up from the table and poured the rest of his coffee into the sink. “Don’t you think it’s a little early for that?” I asked.

He smiled and shrugged. “I’m going to have to deal with two kids, I’m going to need that coffee sooner or later.”

I smiled and hugged him around the waist. He hugged me back and dropped a kiss on my forehead. “Now, don’t tell your mother, but I’ve managed to sneak in about four packs of Oreos for you,” Mike said, lowering his voice. “That should last you about…a week.”

“You’re going to fit into this family fine,” I gushed. “It’s like a bodning experience, doing things behind her back.”

He smiled and ruffled my hair.

Mom walked into the kitchen and placed a kiss on Mike’s mouth as soon as I moved away. I did my best not t make a face as they hugged. Then she turned to me. “Let’s go,” she said with a half smile.

~*~*~

So excited I can barely even catch my breath
We have each other to lean on for the road ahead
This happy ending is the start of all our dreams
And I know your heart is with me

“Mack.”

“Hmmm?”

“Mack.”

“Huh?”

“Mack.”

“Whaaaaat?” I groaned, lifting my head from the pillow I had been leaning against. The ride to the airport wasn’t long, roughly twenty minutes, but I was basically knocked out as soon as I got in the van. Joey and Lance were sleeping, Chris and Justin were looking out the window at the dark landscape and JC was smiling at me creepily. “What is it so dang important?” I yawned, rubbing my eyes.

“Listen,” he replied.

I glared at him while straining my ears. “So what? Mom always listens to my CD. That’s not new. She has issues.”

“That’s not a CD, smartass,” JC replied, his beaver-like front teeth seemed to glow from the light of passing cars. It took a few seconds for the words he said to process in my sleep-deprived brain but in the next few seconds I was wide awake.

“Shut up!” I gasped. His smile only got bigger. “Now way,” I whispered. “It’s about damn time!” I cried out. He and Chris started laughing. Joey and Lance were still snoring and Justin didn’t make a sound. I slumped in my seat, crossing my arms over my chest. This was supposed to be the time where we celebrated and got on the others’ nerves for being loud.

This sucked.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go

I twisted the *NSYNC ring on my finger as we pulled up at the airport. Taking a deep breath I unbuckled myself and waited for Justin to get out so I could jump out. I slid my carry-on onto my back while JC and Joey tugged at my suitcases to get them out of the back and Mom and Momma Lynn went over their rapid last minute check-list to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything.

Our large group of people moved through the steps it took to finally get to the waiting area. It took a bit longer than I expected to convince the people working to let my friends and family wait with me in the waiting area, despite not being the ones who were leaving.

The bright lights of the airport hurt my burning eyes as we walked towards the waiting area of the gate. Every few steps Mom took it seemed like her wall was slowly crumbling. She was in full on tears by the time we got to the waiting area and Pépé and Mémé had to hold her to calm her down.

“Hey, we didn’t think you were coming,” Brian said brightly as I dropped down in a seat. He waved at the others who waved and nodded in return, taking random seats around us.

“What do you mean?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Well, I mean,” he dropped his voice as he sat down next to me. “We kinda figured you’d change your mind and stay with them. We wouldn’t have minded if you did, we would’ve understood.”

“Thanks but…they wouldn’t stand in my way even if I asked them to,” I replied. “That’s why I like them.” I yawned and stretched my arms above my head. “So, what’d I miss?”

Brian grinned. “Frack and I managed to get Howie onto the rotating baggage claim while he was sleeping. He made about six passes around before Kevin found out.”

“He must’ve been pissed,” I laughed.

“He was, but AJ was able to calm him down. It wasn’t like we did anything to Howie.”

I smiled. “What airplane are we taking?”

“A private one, that way we can get on and go and not have to worry about a lot of other passengers boarding,” he replied. “Oh, and your band made it safely as well as your bodyguards, they said they’ll pick you up from the airport just to ensure safety.”

I scoffed. “They should be more worried about you, not me.”

“Well, our fans can be crazy, and they go ballistic if we’re near any other girls so…”

“Don’t give me nightmares, Bri.”

“Sorry.”

I looked around the nearly empty terminal and let out a breath. The guys were talking to each other quietly, save for Justin who was listening to music. Most likely Brian McKnight. The Boys were sleeping across a few chairs.

I got up and sat next to Mom, across from Mémé and Pépé. I rested my head on her shoulder and she started rocking me like she used to, humming Au Claire de la Lune under her breath, my favorite lullaby. I closed my eyes and listened to her. Time seemed to fly by and the next thing I knew I was being shaken awake. I looked up at Mom’s face. She didn’t need to say anything, I could tell by the look in her eyes.

“I love you Mom,” I told her and then pressed a CD case into her hand. “It has two songs on it, one I wrote for you and one I wrote for Dad. Listen to ‘em. Please?”

“Of course, sweetie,” Mom replied and hugged me again. “I love you too, so much.” Tears openly fell down her face.

It’s time to show the world we've got something to say
A song to sing out loud we'll never fade away
I know I'll miss you but we'll meet again someday
We'll never fade away

“Momma Lynn, I hope you’re driving her back home,” I said while standing. “I’m worried.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on her once we get back to Memphis,” Lynn said while fanning her eyes as well. I laughed and gave her a big hug.

“Thanks…for everything,” I told her.

Then I hugged Mémé and Pépé. Pépé grabbed my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said with a smile, “À cœur vaillant rien d'impossible.” I nodded and hugged them tight again, then turned to face my friends who were all looking at me.

“Stop looking at me like that,” I said, trying to keep my voice strong but it cracked. I brought my hands up to shield my nose as it turned red and I blinked rapidly to keep the tears back. Lance was the first one to hug me tight.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me

“Make us proud,” Lance whispered into my ear. “We’ll always be here for you. Don’t forget that.”

“I know,” I mumbled in reply before turning to hug Chris.

“My little partner in crime,” Chris muttered, squeezing me. “What’m I going to do without you?”

“Play more pranks on my behalf and keep me up to date on the info with you guys, OK?” I said, lightly punching his shoulder once we pulled away.

“Will do.” He stepped away and did his best to act tough but I could tell he was about to cry as well.

“Joey-Bear!” I laughed as he picked me up off the ground. “You have to keep me up to date about your dating lives, alright? Or else I wouldn’t have a justifiable reason to meddle.”

“Just as long as you tell me whenever a boy catches your eye,” he replied.

“Promise,” I said and we hooked pinky fingers and shook on it.

Then I moved onto JC. “Did you get my planner? I’ve put everything in it that you need to know. Which states you’re traveling to, what time your shows are, each radio station you should try and fit into your schedule as well as sights you should see on your days off, and I tried to squeeze in time for you guys to go to the doctor or get a dentist appointment. You really shouldn’t let your health go on tour and—“

“Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,” JC interrupted me with a laugh. “You don’t have to worry about a thing, we have the whole thing taken care of but I’ll give the planner to Johnny to make sure we hae an extra copy of what we’re doing. Thanks for looking out for us.”

“Well…if I don’t who else will do it?” I said with a shrug. Then I gladly stepped into his waiting hug and managed to squash down every feeling that wasn’t brotherly that tried to escape from me. As soon as I pulled away I turned to Justin right as he turned away from Nick. “What was that about?” I asked him.

“It was nothing,” Justin replied with a shrug. “So, you ready to go?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied, pushing my hair behind my ears.

“So, where’s my present?” he asked with a small smile. I dug around in my baggy jeans until I found the item. “Hey, is that my sweatshirt?”

“Who knows, it could be Trace’s. I’ve stolen a lot of clothes from you guys over the years,” I replied, handing over the CD. “That’s the song that we will record together once I get back,” I told him, pointing at the name.

He read the name and nodded. “It’s fitting,” he replied and then pulled me into a tight hug. “I really don’t want you to go but I know you have to so…make us proud, have fun, and all that shit. Now go, the faster you leave the faster I can see you again,” he said, gently pushing me away.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go

I picked up my bag and Taz pillow and followed the Backstreet Boys to the little stand where the lady was waiting to check our boarding passes. I tapped my fingers against the pillow while I waited for the woman to give it back. Once it was in my hand I turned and waved once more before following Brian out the door, down the few flight of stairs and across the stretch of concrete where the plane was waiting.

“Wait!” Nick yelled at me so suddenly I jumped. “You have to step on with your right foot,” he told me.

“What?” I asked, squinting.

“Excuse him, he’s ridiculously superstitious. Just do it and get it over with,” Brian said as he stepped onto the airplane. I took his lead and walked forward with my right foot, crossing over the doorway and onto the plane. I took one more look at the terminal. I almost laughed out loud when I saw their faces pressed up against the window. I shuffled down the small aisle and took my seat next to Kevin.

Wherever I, wherever I go

“Are you OK?” Kevin asked while buckling up as I looked out the plane’s window. I nodded right as the stewardess told us to buckle up and that we would be preparing our ascent. I shoved my hands into the pocket of the sweatshirt and felt something flat and cool. What the…? I pulled my hands out and found that I had two envelopes sitting in the pocket. I dropped one on my lap and opened the other, recognizing Lance’s neat handwriting right away:

Dear Mack (Joey wanted to put ‘dearest’ but we knew you’d find it too mushy),

Tomorrow's hopes and dreams will never die as long as you believe in yourself and follow your heart. The kindnesses in your heart will guide you to accomplish many things in life and overcome all challenges and all obstacles. Never give up, always have faith in yourself, and you will gain the greatest gift of all, the gift of hope and love you rightly deserve.

Whatever you may do in the future, never let anyone stand in the way of you pursuing your dreams. Know that you will always have family and friends to rely on whenever you need them. No matter what you may decide to do in life, we will be right there to help, support, and love you. We wish you only the best as you continue chasing your dreams.

Love always,

Joey, Chris, JC, Lance, and Justin

P.S. For our sanity, STAY OUT OF TROUBLE!

Smiling, I picked up the other envelope and ripped it open. My hands started shaking as soon as I read Justin’s handwritten letter:

Mackie,

I really can’t find words that are strong enough to express how much you mean to me and how much I thank you for all the things you’ve shown me through the years, the many things you’ve done for me and all the times that you were there. I just wanted to let you know how much I need you, and how much you mean to me. You're my dearest friend, the person I always turn to with my heart and soul. You're always there for me, ready to offer an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold or a heart to feel and that means the world to me. I'll be there beside you through both the good times and the bad times. I'll be your light and warmth when the road gets rough. I’ll encourage you when you hesitate. I've met a lot of people, but no one like you. I knew from the start that there was something special about you. You touched my life and wouldn't let go.

You've made me feel like a better person, able to take on the world. I think we were destined to become friends, and I'm grateful for whatever brought us together. A true friend is someone who listens, someone who supports, and someone who is always there. A true friend is you. You are so special to me and you cannot be replaced. You are always willing to help no matter what the situation holds. You always supported me and have helped me through the tough times. I hope one day you can lean on me as much as I've leaned on you. Your friendship helps me realize how lucky I am. I've been given many blessings. I knew right away that heaven's rays shined upon me the first time we met. And I knew that I'd be a fool if I let you get away without a proper send off. I love you. Come back soon.

Your #1 Fan.

Juppy

I smiled and folded up the letter right as the plane started to move down the runway. I watched the airport pull out of my vision and burst out laughing when I saw Justin and Chris trying to race each other as far as the windows of the airport would take them to see us take off. The plane tilted and the next thing I knew we were coasting in the air, breaking through the clouds, on our way to Ireland.

March 17th, 1998
Dublin, Ireland

I groaned when the phone next to my head rang again. I reached my hand out from beneath the covers and fumbled for the phone. Forcing my eyes open, I rested my weight on my elbow and used my free hand to pull my bangs out of my face.

“H’llo?” I slurred, letting out a yawn.

“Good morning, Sleepyhead. How’d you sleep?”

I stuck my tongue out at Kevin’s chipper voice even though he couldn’t see me. “I’ve been sleeping since we got to the hotel last night…or was it this morning? I can’t tell time right now,” I replied, rolling onto my back and rubbing at my eyes. “What time is it?”

“Ten ‘til twelve, which is why I called. We need to be down in the lobby by quarter to one so we can start our sound checks,” he replied.

“Meet in the lobby at 12:45, got it,” I said and yawned. “Hey, is it ok if my ears are still ringing?” I asked, sticking my finger in my free ear and shaking it around. “I knew your fans were loud but not that loud.”

He laughed softly. “You get used to it. Did you eat yet?”

“Kev…I just woke up. I’m going to hop in the shower and order room service and meet you guys down there.” I let out another loud yawn.

“Welcome to tour life,” he chirped.

“Yeah yeah,” I mumbled and hung up the phone. I lie back down on the hotel bed and let out a long breath. “Zut alors,” I mumbled. “It’s going to be hard getting used to this routine.”

I managed to forced myself out of bed and went in search for clothes that fit my mood. It was really cold in Ireland and one thing I don’t do is cold. I can’t stand being cold. But it gave me a good excuse for stealing, er, borrowing a bunch of their sweatshirts. I’m sure they wouldn’t miss them.

I finally decided on what I was going to wear for the day and dashed into the shower. I sighed in ecstasy when I felt gooseflesh rise on my arms as soon as the warm water touched my skin. I stood under the shower and let the water run down my head.

I still couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that I’d actually be performing for the first time tonight. In front of a large group of people too. Johnny said they bring in somewhere between 20,000 and 35,000 attendees per night. A shiver rolled down my spine at the mere thought of the number. That many people would be watching my every move and demanding that the Backstreet Boys show up. What If they don’t like me? What if they boo me or throw things at me? I shook my head and pushed the thoughts out. I was sure to make myself sick with worry if I didn’t stop.

I grabbed the soap and took my time washing myself, thankful that it didn’t take me long to get ready to go out. I had enough time to shampoo my hair, which instantly lifted my mood and woke me up. There was nothing like the feeling of clean hair that could lift a woman’s spirits so fast. Well, a mani-pedi session was a close second but I could never sit still long enough for those. It also doesn’t help matters that I’m ridiculously ticklish on my feet.

I stepped out of the shower into the thick humid air of the bathroom and wrapped myself up in a thick, fluffy towel. These hotel people really know how to make their customers happy. Well, in all honesty, that didn’t really make a difference. Unfortunately, I’m very easily pleased. I could get a horrible side of a deal but be happy with it as long as you offered something that I liked to eat or a service that I like to do. It’s no wonder Trace was able to trick me so often over the years.

I quickly pulled on my clothes and took my time blow drying and flat ironing my hair. I took another look at my outfit for the day and deemed it O.K. I went back into the room and grabbed my backpack. I stuffed it with my dance shoes a couple of books, and a package of Oreos. I grabbed the card key and doubled checked the room to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind before leaving.

I took the elevator down to the lobby and saw Kevin waiting with Howie and my aunt. “What time did you get up? If your things weren’t all over the floor I wouldn’t have known that you were in the room at all,” I said as I walked over to Abbey.

“Pretty early, I had to check on the twins,” she replied. “They’re adjusting well. They like spending time with their Uncle Ashton.”

I quickly caught onto the worry that was in her voice. “He’s not going to make them turn on your, you’re still my favorite sibling of my dad’s, no matter how much Uncle Ashton spoils me,” I told her.

“Yeah? How much does he spoil ya? I could do the same, ya know.”

“Yes, but Dad wouldn’t trust you nearly as much as he does now if you spoiled me, would he?” I replied.

“Fair point,” she replied. “Can you believe the reception at the airport last night?”

“Oh man! It took forever for my ears to stop ringing,” I replied with a small laugh.

You’d think when we arrived at the airport last night that it’d be an easy trip to get to the cars that would take us to the hotel. There were about five hundred people there waiting to scream their heads off when they got a small glimpse of the Backstreet Boys. The noise was so loud and sudden that it almost gave me a heart attack on the spot.

I was afraid that most of them would attack me just for being near them. If *NSYNC’s fans were any sign of how crazy they were, then the Backstreet Boys’ fans were sure to be 100% nuts. Things went well for the most part, with Todd and Eric by my side it was easy to usher me through the crowd. It was like the parting of the Red Sea with those huge guys moving in front of me. They protected me as best as they could but I still got a few hands grabbing onto my hair. Otherwise I managed to get out in one piece. We were moving so fast, I wanted to get to the cars to get warm. Ireland is cold in March, despite how sunny it is.

“God, what is taking so long?” I groaned.

“Nick and Brian are notoriously late,” Howie explained with a kind smile. “It’s because they stay up late playing video games. I’m sure they’ll be down soon.”

At least now it gave me time to call people. As I took out my phone I quickly calculated the time difference in my head. The guys are in New York taping a segment on Ricki Lake so I know they must be stoked. Joey loves going to New York. I waved to AJ who had come out of the elevator as someone picked up the phone.

“Hey Mack! What’s going on?” Justin asked over the noise in the background.

“Nothing much. I just woke up and we’re waiting to head over to the venue to do soundcheck,” I replied, kicking at the ground.

“Your first real soundcheck,” Justin said, pretending to cry. “Where has the time gone? It’s like it was just yesterday you were watching us big kids.”

“Big kids, nothing! Don’t start that with me. It’s hard enough calling my mom. All she does is cry. She’s probably driving Mike crazy with her tears,” I said with a small roll of my eyes. “What’re you guys doing today? Just the taping?”

“No, we have a lot of radio stuff we’re going to do. And rehearse and the usual,” he replied.

“I hope Darren’s working you guys out.”

“I think he took a page out of your book. He’s hounding Lance.”

“Hey, I’m supportive of you all,” I grumbled. I heard Abbey call my name and turned to look at her.

“Come on, the cars are here,” she told me.

“OK, I’m coming,” I replied. “Hey J, I gotta go. I’ll call you back whenever I’m free. I want to know how you guys do, OK?”

“OK. Have fun and try not to beat yourself up if something goes wrong.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Later.” I hung up my phone and followed Abbey out of the hotel and to the cars. It was a brighter day than I expected. “I think the sun burned my retinas,” I told Abbey, waving my hands in front of my face while I blinked rapidly to try and adjust my eyes.

“That should be the least of your problems,” she replied.

“Why, what makes you say that?”I asked. Before she could answer I heard someone yelling my name.  I didn’t even get a chance to turn around when I was flipped upside down and carried over Todd’s shoulder. He practically threw me into the car next to AJ and squeezed in next to me. “What was that about?” I demanded, checking myself for bumps or bruises.

“Fans,” AJ replied. “They camped out all night. They usually do. Or they sit in the lobby like statues and start laughing like a pack of hyenas. Sometimes they’ll try to get into your room. They’re very sneaky and clever, I’ll give them that, but they’re scary at the same time.” He looked around the car as it pulled away as if double checking that the car was clear before lowering his sunglasses to the tip of his nose. “Nick actually has a stalker, so to speak. Her name’s Sammi she’s, like, thirteen I think. She has a massive crush on him and thinks she has a chance with him. She’s tried everything in the book to get close to him. She’s even tried using her ‘love’ for guy sports and guy things to strike up a conversation with him.” He rolled his eyes.

“She sounds like a pain in the ass,” I commented.

He snickered. “Just wait until she finds out you’re opening for us. She’ll probably try to poison you.”

“I hope you’re joking.”

“Our fans are crazy but our haters are psycho,” he replied with a shrug. “It’s why we have our bodyguards around. Don’t worry, with those guys,” he nodded at my bodyguards who sat in the front seat of the van with Abbey, talking about the scenery, “You’ll be perfectly safe and we’ll be looking out for you too.”

“Great, I thought I had to deal with being booed now I have to worry about my life,” I grumbled.

“It’s just something you gotta deal with. You’ll get used to it.”

“Yipeee,” I cheered without enthusiasm and then turned to look out the window.  Now I know why they call Ireland the Emerald Isle. This place was beautiful. The tall buildings reminded me of castles. The green countryside was a perfect backdrop in the background. The colors in Ireland seemed to be bright and popped out in contrast to everything back home.

The entire ride I took a bunch of pictures. Hanging out the van window wasn’t smart but the shots were great. I was surprised I didn’t draw attention to myself. Supposedly I was poised to be the next big thing here, which was something I still couldn’t wrap my head around, if I ever could.

-------

“AJ, baby, you’re missing a step,” Fatima told him. Her loud voice boomed in the large venue and seemed to carry out and fill into every single space of the place. She pushed her long braided hair out of her face and over her shoulders before bringing her microphone back up to her lips as soon as the song cut out. “You’re coming into the…human...peacock too early,” she explained. I clapped my hands over my mouth to keep from laughing while she worked with them through their opening number, “That’s the Way I Like It”.

As soon as we reached the venue the guys got started on their soundcheck as I took a look around. I found Gabe and the others in one of the backrooms huddled around his Gameboy playing a Pokémon game. I know it’s only been a few hours since I’ve last seen them but I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders as soon as I saw them. I knew with them around that I could get through my first night and that I wasn’t going through things alone.

Almost as soon as I saw them they ran out to try and find something to eat so I joined Fatima in watching the boys rehearse and giving my critiques here and there. I paid more attention to the group as a whole to make sure they were moving in unison as much as possible while she was paying more attention to the detail and the footwork and made sure they hit each move hard.

“Brian, when you’re on top of the riser you have to watch your footing. You’re getting a bit too close to the edge and we don’t want a broken Backstreet Boy,” I told him. He then grinned and pretended to trip over his own feet, stumbling into the others, effectively causing Nick to crack up.

“Why are boys so easy to get off topic?” I groaned, turning to Fatima.

“They have short attention spans. They’re like puppies,” Fatima replied. “We’ve been here for an hour and we aren’t even close to finishing the first song. Usually they’re not this unfocused. Kevin usually gets them in line.”

“I guess the excitement has gotten to them,” I suggested.

“Why aren’t you bouncing around with excitement?” She asked me, ignoring the little moshpit-like shoving that was going around onstage.

“Give me a couple of hours and I won’t be able to stop talking,” I replied with a laugh.

Fatima chuckled and turned back to the boys while stage hands, set builders, and lighting people rushed around in the background. It was like everything in the venue was on the move. With a few sharp clap of her hands they were looking at her and waiting for her instruction. I lifted my eyebrows at how fast they got into order. “Ok, we’re going to take it from AJ’s line, where it goes ‘Gotta listen to the grove’, that one. I want to see if you guys have those moves tight. Got it?” They nodded and adjusted their headmics, getting into position. “Got it?” She added, looking at the band, holding both thumbs up. She nodded when she got their thumbs up in return. I was amazed at how fast she could get order. I was usually past irked and on my way to aggravated by this point. Fatima knew how to stay cool under pressure.

Suddenly I felt like a little kid next to her. She knew how to get what she wanted out of them and she hardly had to raise her voice. They knew to listen to her and they knew when they needed to get down to business. She had an air around her that commanded respect. That’s what I wanted so badly but I didn’t know how to get it. I don’t know how she could stay so patience despite being under a lot of pressure. I don’t know how she didn’t crack from the stress. I don’t know how she’s strong and it made me respect her even more.

She’s who I wanted to be. Well, I wanted to be like another Paula Abdul, but Fatima was the one I could look up to. She already felt like a big sister to me and she was an amazing woman. I wish I could half live up to her.

By the time they reached the end of their rehearsal a lot of the workers had stopped to watch them go through their “Get Down/We’ve Got it Goin’ On” medly. A few of them were bobbig their heads to the beat and some of the female workers were actually dancing along to the music. It was like a big party that only amped up my excitement for the night.

“Aaron’s going to do his soundcheck next, and then you,” Fatima told me as we walked down one of the confusing hallways to get to wherever our lunch was held. “Aaron’s soundchecks don’t usually last that long—it’s hard to keep his attention sometimes—so you’ll have enough time with your band to flush everything out and get your set perfect.”

“Great. I’m sure they can’t wait to play. Heck, I’m ready for this first night to be over with so the routine will finally be settled into my brain.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” she laughed. “You go on ahead, I’m going to have a little talk with Liam and I’ll be back to work with you on your set.”

“Be gentle,” I said with a grin. She laughed and walked off. As soon as I set foot in the makeshift dining room Aunt Abbey was by my side, a bag of McDonald’s was in her hand. “Yes! The good stuff!” I cheered, pulling out a bacon cheeseburger.

“Also Charlotte, Philippe, and Justin called,” she said as I took a bite of my burger. “And Liam wants to take a look at what you were thinking of wearing as your costume tonight seeing as you still haven’t made a decision. Once you’re finished with that you need to tell me so I have an idea of how to do your makeup. Oh, and after your soundcheck you have a few interviews lined up and a photographer is going to come and take pictures of your first show.”

“It’s a good thing I brought you with me, I can already feel my brain exploding from just hearing that,” I told her.

I jumped when the door of the dining room burst open. Gabe and the rest of my band came in, talking loudly. Gabe was carrying a blond haired boy on his back. One look at him and I could automatically tell he was Nick’s little brother, Aaron. He had the Carter blond hair as well as the face. Todd and Eric came in behind them, nodding at me. They were like my own version of the secret service. It was cool but their hovering was unnerving.

“I totally beat you guys!” Aaron was saying as Gabe let him down onto the ground.

“Yeah right, Little Man, we let you win,” Gabe replied with a roll of his eyes.

“No, I won fair and square!” Aaron protested, lightly punching Gabe’s outstretched palms, laughing all the while.

“Isn’t he cute?” Lyric gushed, lightly bumping her hip against mine in greeting.

“Lyr…he’s ten…you’re nineteen…that’s, like, against the law,” Codie pointed out, waving a ketchup covered fry around before sticking it in her mouth and chewing.

“But he’s adorable! Look at him!”

“You also think octopuses are adorable,” Sevvie said from the corner of the room where she was dabbing a tissue at her mascara.

“They are!” She replied. “With their eight little tentacles and they way they move. It’s so cute.”

“Until it’s giving you a hug and you die.”

“I worry about her sometimes,” I muttered to Aunt Abbey who chuckled and used a hand to hide her mouth.

“Just remember she’s a really good bass player,” she told me, her eyes crinkled in the corners from smiling.

“Hey! You’re that girl Nick told me about,” Aaron said, suddenly appearing by my side. His long blond hair was parted down the middle and pulled off to the side of his face. However, he was moving around so much it kept falling into his eyes so he had to use his hands to push them out of the way. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid with so much energy before. “Mack, right?” He continued talking before I could even nod. “I’m Aaron, Nick’s brother. He talks about you a lot. Says you’re a really good dancer. And you ride horses too! Angel says she wants to ride a horse and that you’re going to teach her. Will you teach me too?”

“Um, sure,” I replied. His smile, if possible, got even bigger. “You’re not here by yourself are you?”

“No, my mom flew out,” Aaron replied. “She’s my manager. It’s great because I can see my mom all of the time. I miss my family a lot while I’m on the road.”

I gave him a small smile. “Well, at least you’re going on tour with Nick now so you won’t be too lonely.”

He nodded his head rapidly. He reminded me of a bobblehead doll. “I missed Nick the most but it’s great because now I can see him all the time.” Then his eyes lit up. “Do you know where he is?”

“I think he’s playing some basketball with Brian,” I replied. “Near the stage.”

“I’m going to go play with them. See you later.”

Then he darted out of the room. I felt drained by just listening to him but he seemed like a good kid. A little too energetic but what kid wasn’t? I sat down at the table and finished up lunch with my aunt and my band, talking about everything and nothing. Lyric was the most excited about being in Ireland because she’s part Irish. She doesn’t speak a lick of Gaelic but she told stories of her and her cousins visiting this country every year and the trouble they got themselves into. I half listened to her as I texted Justin about what he and the guys were doing. Their album was coming out in the states soon and apparently that put JC into panic mode and he was snapping at everyone.

It even got a reaction out of me just seeing his two damn initials on my phone. Get over him, Mack. He’s not worth the trouble. Especially with his horror story of a girlfriend. I fought the urge to make a face at the mere thought of his damn girlfriend. She’s stayed out of my hair but I couldn’t help but find my thoughts drifting towards what she planned on doing to me the next time she saw me. It was enough to keep me up for part of my long-ass thirteen hour flight.

“Mack!”

“What?” I asked, lifting my head.

“Put the Timberlake Phone down,” Codie chuckled.

“That wasn’t J,” I lied, shoving my phone into my pocket.

“You’ve been glued to that phone since I saw you earlier today, it has to be Justin or else you have a boyfriend you haven’t told us about but I’m 99% sure it’s not the latter.”

“Thanks for the support,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.

“Look, I’m just saying cut the cord now before the leash gets too tight, got it?”

“Look, I’m in Ireland. Some place I’ve always read about but never thought I’d actually go to,” I said as I stood. “I’m dancing and I get to live out a great opportunity that I didn’t think I wanted but now I can’t wait to experience. Things are finally going right in my life and there’s nothing in this world that could make it turn around. Not even J. So please don’t turn my mood around.” Codie lifted her hands as if surrendering. “I’m going to go find Liam, see you out there. Gabe, make sure they get where they’re needed, alright?”

Gabe saluted and stuffed more french fries into his mouth. I cringed at the sight and quickly left the room. Almost as soon as I turned the corner to leave the room I collided with someone. I fell against the wall and leaned against it for support.

“Watch where you’re going!” The tall, blonde woman snapped.

“Why don’t you?” I asked, already feeling my annoyance flare up. “We’re not all giant sequoias.”

“Whatever,” the girl said, rolling her eyes. “Do you know where Nick is?”

I lifted my eyebrow, waiting for her to give more information but she stood her ground and glared at me, as if that would scare me off. “What do you want from him? An autograph or something?”

“Ew, no!” She cried out as if I had offered her a burger filled with snot. “I’m not a fan. Don’t you know who I am?”

Was I supposed to? By the time I came to a conclusion that this was that psycho stalker that AJ was telling me about the girl’s face lit up and she elbowed me out of her way. “Nicly!” She cooed in a voice so sugary sweet I wanted to gag.

“Mandy? What’re you doing here?”

Mandy? Where have I heard that name before? I turned to see ‘Mandy’ throw her arms around Nick’s neck and kiss him flat on the mouth. I felt my heart drop down into my stomach as the girl turned and gave me one of those bitchy looks that I’ve seen thrown my way one too many times by Bobbie.

Nick’s eyes shifted to me, then to Mandy, and back again before he cleared his throat. “Um Mandy, this is Mack. She’s opening for us on tour. Mack, this is my, uh, ex-girlfriend Mandy.”

I don’t know which bugged me more, the smug look she was giving me or the fact that he didn’t call me ‘Dimples’ like he used to.

When will I win, Lord?  When?

March 17th, 1998
Dublin, Ireland

My heart rated increased as little beads of sweat dripped down my forehead. My fingers twitched at my sides and I blocked out every sound that reached my ears. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. A pin drop could be heard in the room, it was so silent. I took a deep breath and concentrated at the task at hand. It would be over soon. The movements came naturally to me while I kept my eyes on one person, as if waiting to take him down with just the look in my eyes. I kept my face blank and managed little smiles every now and then when I felt I was getting my moves right.

“Ha!” I cheered as the little white ball went bouncing off of the green table and onto the floor. “I win again! That makes me the Queen of Ping-Pong!” I announced, putting the paddle onto the little table and cracking my knuckles. “I won, you lose. Time to pay the piper, McLean.”

“Don’t be too rough,” he sighed in defeat, putting down his ping-pong paddle. He walked over to me and turned around. I swung my paddle back and hit him on the ass as hard as I could. He let out a shriek and jumped forward as the people around us laughed.

“Anyone else want to play?” I asked eagerly, turning around.

“No thanks, my butt’s still sore from earlier,” Howie groaned from where he was on the couch.

“Aw, y’all’re a bunch of sore losers,” I said putting my paddle down. “No pun intended,” I added with a grin. “Whoa, no running,” I called to Aaron as he sprinted by me. He just grinned and stuck his tongue out at me, successfully completing a few cartwheels in a row. “Ok, fine, ignore me, everyone else does anyway,” I said in his general direction. I skipped across the room and sat in between Brian and Nick on the couch. “Who ya talkin’ to?” I asked while poking Brian in the side.

“Leiaghnne,” he replied and waved me away. I stuck my tongue out at the back of his head then turned to see what Nick was doing.

“What’re you playing?” I asked him, leaning over his arm to see the Gameboy screen.

“Pokémon Red,” Nick replied without taking his eyes off the screen but he lowered the Gameboy. “I’m going against Misty and—“

“Are you nuts!?” I cried out once I noticed the Pokémon he was using. “You can’t use Charmander against Misty! She has water Pokémon! Charmander will die in one hit! Switch him out!”

“It’s the last one I have,” Nick grumbled.

“Why?”

“He’s at a higher level than the others.”

“Why?”

“Because the other Pokemon I caught stated at level two and it took forever to get up to whatever level Charmander was at and they kept freaking fainting!”

“What are you two even going on about?” Kevin asked, looking at us from across the room. He was sitting on the floor of the large conference room that had been turned into our ‘play room’ while we waited for the time to pass. He had a lot of papers and binders surrounding him and a pencil was resting behind his ear.

“Pokemon,” Nick and I replied in unison.

“What’s that?”

“It’s basically a game where you catch, train, and raise monster that fit into a ball so you can take them with you around the world,” I explained as simply as possible. “It’s a lot of fun, really.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Kevin replied.

Just then the door opened and I craned my neck to see who it was. I let out a little groan when Mandy walked in. She’s only been here for a few hours and she’s like another version of Bobbie, but she’s not afraid to show how much she hates me for no reason in front of Nick.

“Mackenzie, come on,” Aunt Abbey called from the doorway. I slumped down in my seat hoping she wouldn’t see me. I told her about a half hour ago that I would do some of my homework but ducked out so I could actually do something fun after the interviews and stuff. Speaking of which, the camera guy who was hovering around in the corner clicking away at us was starting to put me on edge. “You have,” she looked at her watch, “Forty-five minutes until you get on stage and you still don’t have your makeup or your hair done. And have you even done your vocal warm-ups yet? Come on! Vite-vite!” She said clapping her hands.

“Je viens, je viens,” I groaned, getting off the couch begrudgingly. Abby wrapped her arm around my shoulder as soon as I left the room. “You’re a little uptight today,” I noted as we walked down the hall, flanked on either side by Todd and Eric. “You have to chiiillllll,” I said while giving a hand motion with the word.

“How can you be so relaxed?” She asked.

“Because I’m an excellent multi-tasker,” I replied. “You can do my hair and makeup while I do warm-ups with Gabe on the keyboard. Everything will be fine. You need to relax. Do you want a martini or something? I can get Todd or Eric to get you one.”

She made a grunting sound. “You’re definitely my brother’s daughter. You’re a smart ass as well.”

I smiled proudly as we finally reached my dressing room and sat down in one of the chairs by the large mirror. Not so much about what she said, I’ve been called a smart ass for years and it used to bug me but Momma Lynn instilled “sticks and stones” in my mind so much it didn’t bother me much anymore. It was more that she was I was like my dad. I loved It when people said I was like my mom and dad. It makes me feel that they did something right, even if their marriage failed.

“Doin’ homework, huh?” Gabe asked with a teasing smile as he leaned over the keyboard that was set up in the corner of the room. I started to explain but he held up his hand to stop me. “Don’t give me any excuses, I don’t want to get in trouble with your tutor.”

“Tutor?” I replied as Aunt Abbey held a flatiron to my hair.

He nodded and turned on the keyboard. “Although Nick’s eighteen he isn’t finished with his schoolwork so they brought in a tutor for him to get him finished. You’ll be using the same tutor on tour for about two hours a day. It’s already been scheduled in so don’t try to get out of it.” He pressed a few of his fingers into the keys and then the expression on his face changed. He was ready to get down to business.

I sat as still as possible while waiting for Aunt Abbey to finish up with my hair and makeup and Gabe went through the scales and different exercises with me. I felt like an idiot at first having to warm-up my voice while saying things like “bib” and “goo” like a baby but Gabe knows what he’s doing so I didn’t fight it. Lyric and Codie eventually came in as well and did their warm-ups with us before rushing to the mirror to finish putting on makeup. Sevvie was probably talking to her boyfriend, fiancé, whatever he was now.

“How much time left?” I asked as Aunt Abbey finally put down her makeup tools.

“Twenty minutes,” Lyric replied, running a comb through her hair. “Are you wearing that?” She asked, nodding in the mirror at the reflection of my blue and black plaid button down shirt (with the sleeves rolled up), a white long sleeve shirt, Bermuda jeans, and black sketchers.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I have backup clothes in case something goes wrong. Why? Do you not like it or something?”

“No, but I have an idea,” she replied. “You’re switching from rock to pop, right?” I nodded. “Why not switch your clothes with the change in genre? Do a quick change on stage or something. Something to grab the audience’s attention and hold it. Especially the guys. Make them think you’re actually going to strip on stage or something.”

“She might be onto something,” Gabe said as he rubbed his chin. “How much time?”

“Seventeen minutes.”

“Ok, quick, come here. I think I know how to make it work.”

The seventeen minutes went by faster than I expected. By the time we were to go onstage I was bouncing around, trying to keep my nervous energy down. All of the Backstreet Boys, Todd, Eric, Aunt Abbey, Aaron, and Johnny, who had flown in, gave me hugs and wished me luck.

I stood offstage holding onto Gabe’s and Lyrics’ hands tightly as Johnny walked out, getting ready to introduce us. Gabe was biting his lip so much I was surprised his teeth didn’t go through it. Lyric was standing still for the first time in her life. Sevvie looked like she was going to be sick. Codie’s lips were moving rapidly as if she were in some trance. It’s weird how pressure and excitement could cause people’s demeanor to change so quickly. As soon as Johnny announced my name cheers spread through the audience.

“That’s good, they’re cheering,” Lyric whispered.

“They could just be polite,” I replied

“Yeah, but your song is doing good on the charts here.”

“Doing well,” I corrected her.

“They’re going to love you?”

“What if they tear me limb from limb just to get to the Backstreet Boys instead?”

“Ignore them.”

“What if I forget my songs?”

“You can’t? Your setlist is taped down on the stage by your microphone,” Gabe replied. “And even if you forget, we know which songs are coming next. That’s our job.”

“What if—“

“Well, they’re not going to do anything unless we get our butts out there,” Sevvie replied, giving us all little shoves.

“Yes ma’am,” Gabe said with a little salute and grabbed his guitar.

We walked out onstage right as the lights came up on us. I caught a glimpse of the banner that was behind me, partially used for the audience to know who I was and partially used to cover up the Boys’ stage. The butterfly that hovered about the large M reminded me of the ones that were flapping around in my stomach.

As Gabe started on the intro with the others joining in I yanked my microphone off of the stand and moved it out of my way. I had too much energy to release to use my mic-stand tonight. “What’s up, Dublin, how’re you feeling?” I called as the lights came on. I could only see up to, probably, the fourth row, and that made everything that much easier. It was just like my dance competitions again. I just had to focus on what I was doing and stay in the moment and everything will end up falling into place.

“Thank you, Dublin, you were amazing! Don’t forget to make some noise for Aaron Carter, who’s up next.  Goodnight!” I called into my headmic over the screams. I grasped Gabe’s and Lyrics hands, lifted their arms over my head, and then we all bowed in unison. Flashes went off like crazy in the dark audience as we rushed off stage and the stage hands rushed on to wipe up sweat and get ready for Aaron’s set.

“Is anyone else’s heart beating fast?” Lyric asked, placing a hand over her heart.

“What? I can’t hear you over the echoing screams in my ear,” I joked, sticking my tongue out at her. I pulled my ear monitors out and let them hand over my shoulders while random stage hands pulled the electricity pack out of my back pocket and turned it off, pulling the plug on my in-ears.

“And to think they weren’t responding to you at first,” Gabe said as he ruffled my hair. “See, I told you things would work out.” I lightly shoved him as we made our way back to the dressing room. We thanked everyone that we passed along the way to the dressing room. As soon as I got there a towel was thrown at my face.” Hey, I have to protect the money maker,” I joked as I rubbed my face with the towel. “Ugh, I hate sweating.”

“Well, you picked the wrong professions for that,” Aunt Abbey said as she closed her “makeup center”. “Vous avez été fantastique, comme d'habitude,” she added. Codie and Sevvie snickered as they packed up their bags.

“Merci beaucoup,” I replied. “Are you going to catch the rest of the show?”

She shook her head. “It’s one of the few moments I can get some peace and quiet. I’m going to call the kids and tell them how their favorite cousin did,” she replied. Then she turned stern. “Stay with Kevin and then call me as soon as you leave, OK?”

“Yes Aunt Abbey,” I gave her a quick hug and went around the room, gathering my things, I nearly jumped out of my skin when the door opened with so much force that it slammed into the wall.

“You were amazing,” AJ said as he and the rest of the Boys trickled in.

“Thanks, you can stop sucking up now,” I said with a small smirk. “I’m already on the tour.”

“Were you nervous?” Brian asked while giving me a hug.

“At first, yeah. Especially since the dang audience was as still as a statue. Who knew mentioning your names a few times would help them liven up?”

“I think you’d help bring in more guy fans,” Howie commented. I gave him a look. “I mean that in the best possible way.”

“Oh. I get it now, you guys only brought me along as eye candy for men,” I said with a teasing grin.

“Basically,” Brian replied with an over-exaggerated sigh. I rolled my eyes. “But I do have one question, how’d you manage to do a quick change that fast on stage?”

“Ah,” I said with a grin as I lifted my finger. “Well, when I was on set for Father and Daughter I was told that my character was good at magic. So, one of the tricks I learned was to do a quick change. I learned it a little bit differently than what I used today, though.” They all nodded at different times. “Not to be rude, but you’re going to need to get ready for your own show, so shoo,” I said as I waved my hands.

“Fine, we know when we’re not wanted,” Brian said as he scrunched up his face as if he were about to cry.

“Aww, but I still love you, B,” I said and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“Hey, do we get kisses too?” Kevin asked. “At least me? I’m related to him.” I put a hand on my hip and then pointed towards the door. “OK, OK, we’re going. Oh, if you’re going to watch from backstage you’re going to need this.” He pulled a pass out of his pocket and gave it to me. “If anyone asks just flash that and you’re safe. Oh, and Q is going to be escorting you backstage.”

“OK, tell him I’ll be out in a few,” I told them. They turned to leave but stopped when Nick ran back over to me. I laughed at the enthusiastic smile on his face as he held out his hand. I gave him a high five and his smile got a bit bigger as he ran out of the room, slapping AJ on the arm while yelling “Tag, you’re it!”

As soon as the door closed behind them I dropped into a chair, suddenly exhausted. “Ugh, I feel like I’m under some microscope,” I groaned as they left the room. “I can’t go anywhere without a shadow following me. I know they’re bodyguards and all but I think I’m pretty guarded from any teenie that sneaks backstage.”

“Maybe it’s not them,” Codie said as she folded a shirt and put it into her bag.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” she hesitated and looked at Sevvie. She held up her hands and turned away. “I mean, what if this is one of their doing?” She didn’t have to clarify, I knew who she meant. “I mean, they were kind of overly protected whenever you were with them, within reason, but still. They’re not here, what if they’re just making sure you’re OK?”

“I can handle things on my own; I don’t need Big Brother watching me.” I bit my tongue. ‘Handling things’ was one thing I didn’t know how to do properly and the scars on my wrist proved it. But how could I learn with them constantly catching me before I even fell? It’s like they have me on short puppet strings that were so thick I couldn’t even bend them.

“Are you coming?” Gabe asked as my band gathered by the door.

“Go ahead, I want to check my messages first,” I replied, taking out my phone. I ignored the loud scoff that came from Gabe’s mouth as I turned on my phone. I tapped my fingers against my leg while waiting for my phone to boot up. Geeze, this dang phone is taking forever; I really need a new one. Stupid Nokia. “Finally,” I sighed when the backlight turned on. I cracked a smile. Apparently before I left Justin had changed my background photo to one of us with him kissing me on the cheek. I took a look at the clock and figured it wouldn’t be so bad calling him instead of texting. I mean, it was only about three there, wherever there, was. “Hey Juppy,” I greeted him once he answered the phone.

“Hey!” He practically yelled in my ear. I jerked my phone away at the sudden, loud noise.

“Are you going to be any more excited? I don’t think I can hear out of this ear anymore,” I said dryly while switching my phone to my other ear. “What’s going on? It sounds like you’re being mobbed or something.”

“Yeah, we’re at a signing right now,” he replied. I heard a very high pitched squeal in the background and stifled the urge to laugh out loud.

“Oh, I should go then.”

“No, no. It’s fine.”

“Justin, those kids deserve your undivided attention.”

“It’s fine, really. Here you go, sweetie. So what’s going on? It’s about eight over there, right?”

“Yeah, I just got off stage actually.”

“Really?” I could practically see him perk up in his seat. “Wait, how do you spell that? C-A-R-L-E-E. Right. There you go, honey. So, how was it? How’d you do? I bet you were great, like usual!” I pulled a face. Like usual. It’s as if I’m not allowed to make a mistake every now and then. If I ever do make one he’d probably knock me off the ridiculously tall pedestal he stuck me on.

“I think I finally know what you guys mean when you say you’re on an adrenaline rush after your shows,” I said. “I mean. I felt something like it after competitions but that does not even compare! I don’t think I can fucking blink!”

Justin let out a laugh. In the background I heard Chris and Joey gushing over something, probably a picture one of their fans drew of them. I gotta say, their fans are creatively talented. I’ve seen some of their work and it’s the bomb. “Oh, you’ll get used to that. You’ll get used to the lack of sleep as well but it’ll be worth it in the end. What’re you up to tomorrow?”

“I didn’t get my schedule yet. I’m guessing radio stuff and more pictures, maybe a signing at the mall or something,” I replied. “We’re going to be in Dublin for one more day and then we get a day off and then we go to England. I’ve always wanted to go there. I want to take a picture with one of those Buckingham Palace guards.”

“Try and get one to smile,” Justin said excitedly. “Chris was so close to getting one of those guys to smile when we were there. It’s a lot of fun.”

I laughed softly. “Yeah, I’ll bet. We’re going to be playing in Wembley Stadium, can you believe it? Wembley! Two nights in a row, 75,000 seats!”

“Shit, someone’s in the big leagues now.” He paused and I could hear the others thanking their fans for showing up. I even heard Chris yell into the phone that he said ‘hi’ before a chorus of greetings filtered into my ear. Homesickness landed in my gut and I swallowed to keep it and the sudden wave of tears down. “So, were you nervous?” He asked.

“Not really,” I replied, tugging on some of my hair.

“Don’t lie. I know how you get before shows. You get so hyped up that people think you’ve eaten a boat load of sugar.”

“OK, I was a little nervous,” I replied with an eye roll, even though he couldn’t see it. “But it turned out fine ‘cause the others were nervous too. The audience was stiff as a board at first, they wouldn’t even cheer or anything but by the end I think we won them over and I proved that I’m the real deal. Liam says my radio play went up by nine percent in one night. I guess that’s a good thing.”

“You OK?” Justin asked in the silence.

“Yeah, it’s just…things are kinda weird since I’m not with you guys,” I admitted, letting out a little sigh. I swung myself around in a circle in the swivel chair that was in front of the large, lit up vanity mirror.

“I know, it’s so weird here,” Justin agreed. “Ooh, cookies!”

I smirked at his childish behavior. “Why’s it weird? You don’t have me waking you guys up or making sure you know where you’re going?”

“Exactly.”

“That’s what the planner is for. I spent hours working on it for you guys. Speaking of which, make sure Chris goes to his orthodontist appointment. I think he’ll get his braces off this time.”

“Oh, he’ll love that. So how’re they treating you?”

“Like a queen. I’m not going to lie, it’s kinda getting on my nerves but it’s a change of pace from you guys.”

Justin let out a little gasp. “Hey, we treat you just fine.”

“You treat me like I’m another boy!” I cried out, throwing my free arm into the air. “Case in point, whenever we play a game I’m always the one who ends up injured, if you haven’t noticed.”

“So, what, you want us to treat you like a girl?”

I pulled my phone away from my ear and stared at it as if Justin were standing right in front of me. “I’m not saying to walk on freaking egg shells around me. I mean, it’d be nice to know that you guys remember that I’m a girl, ‘cept Joey, he doesn’t really seem to have a problem with that.”

“Ok, so we’ll throw flower petals at you as soon as you come back.”

I stuck out my tongue. “Too much.”

“Chocloate?”

“You want to pelt chocolate at me?” I laughed.

“Yeah. You like chocolate and it’ll be fun for me.”

“Oh, what-ehver!” I looked up as the lights on the ceiling flashed. Guess it was time for Aaron to go on. “OK, I gotta go. I’m probably going to hit the sack once their show’s over so send me an e-mail or something.”

“Alrighty. Nighty-nighty.”

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” I replied, laughing lightly. “Bye.” I hung up my phone and felt strangely elated, kinda like a balloon filled with helium. Even though I got to talk to him it didn’t make the situation any better.

I wanted him here with me.

The lights danced around the large room. Fireworks shout out of the stage. The fans went nuts! They didn’t stop screaming since the Backstreet Boys popped up on stage! They sang along to every song, shouted out their love for the boys, and threw a lot of items on stage at them. A few even got into a fight over a shirt that AJ had ripped off of himself and threw into the audience. I couldn’t help but laugh at all of the young girls who were fainting over them. This is something that *NSYNC would experience in the next few months, I could feel it in my bones. If BSB were this big than *NSYNC would be competition for these guys, no question.

By the time the show was over and I was grabbed from VIP and ushered to the cars my ears were ringing from how loud all of the fans were. I almost had a small heart attack when someone jumped on my back. I thought it was one of their crazy fans until I heard the laugh.

“Aaron! Don’t do that!” I said as he hooked his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist. “I thought you were a fan.”

Aaron merely laughed. “So, what’d you think of the show?”

“It was great, really entertaining,” I replied, hooking my arms under his knees and carried him away from the stage. “I like how they all had solo songs.”

“I’m not talking about them! I’m talking about me! I’m more important than Nick,” Aaron replied.

I laughed. “Yeah. That’s so true. Just don’t go telling him I told you that,” I teased. “I thought you were cute as a button. I really like the “Shake It” song, it’s pretty fun. You got everyone in the audience to do it with you too.”

“You should come on stage and do it with me!” He said happily. “That would make it even more fun!”

“Aaron Carter, get off of her this instant!” Jane’s sharp voice cut through the hall. I turned to see her walking with a lot of security people, my band, and the Boys who were wiping their faces with towels.

“Oh, it’s alright Mrs. Carter, he wasn’t bothering me,” I told her even as I let him down. “Great show, guys,” I said with an enthusiastic thumbs up. “You had all those little teenies in a tizzy. I think that’s a success.”

They all let out small chuckles. I could tell by their lack of a response that they were wiped. Nick was even leaning against Jane as if she were the only thing that could hold him up. it was a very cute sight. The level of cuteness was amped up when Aaron ran over to him and gave him a big hug. The cute factor was going to kill me.

“What’s this?” I asked when Liam shoved a piece of paper into my face. I wondered where he disappeared to.

“It’s your itinerary for tomorrow,” he replied as I looked down the list. Radio stuff took up most of the day and he gave me some time to go sightseeing. I couldn’t wait to see the castles and stuff. Hope I’m not too buzzed by then. “Make sure you get some sleep tonight.”

I laughed. “I’m surprised I’m still awake, I’m dead tired.”

“OK, let’s go back to the hotel,” he said with an understanding smile as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “You did really well tonight, Kid. I stuck around after your set to try and gauge their reactions and for the most part they enjoyed it.”

“And the others?”

“They wanted you to get off the stage so they could see the Backstreet Boys.”

I snorted. At least they were honest. We gathered our things and went out a back way to the vans that were waiting for us. Aaron, Jane, Nick, and Brian took one van while Howie, Kevin, AJ, and I took the other. Liam and my band were going to stick around a bit longer to make sure everything got put up the right way. Bless them. They were making this way too easy for me (not that I’m complaining).

Finally we got back to the hotel. After asking Kevin to wakeme up tomorrow I took a separate elevator to my floor. I was so tired I couldn’t figure out which side of the key card went into the slot. It took me about seven tries until I actually got it to work.

“How’re you still functioning?” I asked Aunt Abbey as I dropped my bag by my bed and collapsed on top of it.

Aunt Abbey smiled and closed the lid of her laptop. “I’m just making sure the shop hasn’t burned down,” she replied. “You know how the girls get.”

Yeah, Aunt Abbey’s co-workers were a colorful bunch, and I’m not just referring to their hair. “I’m going to jump in the shower and then go to sleep. Mind if I check my e-mail?”

“Go ahead,” she replied, getting off her bed. “I’m going to see if the bar is still open.” I lifted an eyebrow. “What? I’m a single mother who is still in my prime in a different country. I deserve this.”

“Good luck man hunting,” I said as I gathered my pjs and entered the bathroom. My aunt, what a piece of work. “Bonne nuit,” I called after her.

“Same to you,” she replied with a wink and left the room.

I jumped into the shower and turned on the warm water. The water realized my tired muscles but the steam made me even more tired than I was before. When I felt like I was going to collapse in the shower from exhaustion I got out and changed into a pair of shorts a t-shirt with the Canadian flag on it. I grabbed Aunt Abbey’s laptop and fought to keep my eyes open while it powered up and AOL loaded. I smiled a little when I heard the voice telling me that I had mail. I quickly scanned the list: one from Mom, one from Dad, one from Uncle Ashton, one from Justin, and one from Lance.

I started from the top and read the messages. Mom’s talked about a new movie offer; this time chronicling the ups and downs of a pregnant teenager, as well as ideas of what kind of flowers to have at her wedding. Dad’s e-mail talked about his treatments and how he the chemo left him feeling good on a few days and bad on others and that he could schedule shop time around his good/bad days. Uncle Ashton’s was basically saying what my cousins were up to. I settled back against my pillows and opened Justin’s e-mail.

Hey Mack,

Happy first day of tour! How was your day? You have to tell us everything. How’s Ireland? Is it as green as they say? Our day was so packed! Everywhere we went fans were waiting for us. Some of them even backed us cupcakes but we had to get them “screened”. You never know what those fans could get up to. The show tonight was great. I think one of our better nights. The crowd was crazy and the energy levels seemed to be higher than usual. I can’t explain it, the night just felt really special. Maybe because it’s a few days until our album release. We’re so pumped about it, it’s crazy. Even JC can’t sleep but I think it’s more about worry than excitement. I think he’s worried that we won’t do well here but I’m keeping my fingers crossed and my prayers going. Hope you’re having a good time over there, but not too good of a time. We want you back as soon as possible! Call or text or e-mail whenever you can.

Love ya lots!

Justin

I closed his e-mail and then went to open Lance’s. The time stamp showed that he sent the e-mail about a half hour after Justin did. I yawned and rubbed my eyes, blinking rapidly to make sure I could see straight and then looked at the screen.

Hey, your aunt told me about your show. We’re super proud of you, you have no idea. Me especially (although I’m sure the others would disagree). It’s like watching baby sister grow up and take her first few steps on her own. Unfortunately, I have to tell you things will get tough and you will get stressed. Don’t forget we’re always here for you.

Sweet dreams,

Lance

Awww, I missed them so much. I closed the laptop and gently set it on the floor. I climbed under the covers and, as I leaned over to turn off the bedside lamp, a strange weight-like feeling pressed down on my chest. I placed my hand near my collarbone and rubbed the area, as if that were actually going to help but the feeling got worse. It felt like something, a rock maybe, were stuck there underneath my collar bone. My breaths started coming out short, as if a valve had slammed shut and now no air could get in or out.

My head started to pound from the lack of oxygen as I tried to reach my inhaler. It felt like an invisible pillow was being pushed onto my face. Oh my gosh, was I dying? I didn’t think the time that I’d leave the Earth that I’d be in a hotel in some foreign country. OK, OK, calm down. I forced myself to try and relax. Of course that’s hard when God’s invisible hand as a vice grip on your throat. Is this my punishment for not taking my parent’s divorce well?

I squeezed my eyes shut and struggled to get a breath as the weight pressed down harder when suddenly…it was gone. I took in a gasp of air and let it out quickly, taking in another breath. I pressed my hand against my chest to feel my heartbeat change from its quick pace to a slow and steady beat. I could feel myself trembling as I reached for the room’s phone and dialed a number.

“Room service,” a voice said on the end, the Irish accent very thick.

“Hi, yes, um, could you please bring up five pillows and a nightlight to room 431?” I said as I rested my head on my palm which was propped up by my elbow. God, even my voice is shaking.

“Will that be all, Miss?” the man asked.

“Yes, that’ll be all. Thank you.” I hung up the phone and let out a long breath. I just needed some sleep and I’ll be fine, I reached over the edge of the bed and cuddled Lance’s Taz pillow to my chest.

March 25th, 1998
Gothenburg, Sweden

“OK, you can take a break while we reload,” the photographer said in his thick European accent.

Thank God, my cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling so much. I walked away from the large bubble chair that was positioned in the middle of a white backdrop and made a beeline for the snack table. My stomach was practically eating itself from lack of food.

To say that I’ve been busy would be a huge understatement. I was running around whatever dang city we drove to as if my head was cut off, bouncing around from radio interviews, magazine interviews, TV interviews, appearances, signings, small shows, and oodles of promotion. If I wasn’t doing that I was using any free time I had to eat, catch up on sleep, and try to be as normal as possible.

My single had dropped in stores a couple of days ago and now I get recognized in a lot of places. It’s a weird transition, seeing your face everywhere. Kinda freaks me out on some occasions but it comes with the territory. Aunt Abbey doesn’t pass up the chance to take pictures or video tape anything I’m doing. She’s almost as bad as Dad is.

I barely even had any time to spend with my own band, let alone find some time to hang out with the Boys and Aaron, I bet that Mandy girl liked that I was out of the way, though. Ever since she announced that she was going to join the guys on tour to see how everything worked it was as if she wanted to keep tabs on me or something. She kept saying something about needing to get used to the pace of everything but I tuned her out whenever she started speaking.

It was weird, she kinda reminded me of Bobbie by the way she glared at me whenever I said something, gave my two cents in a conversation, or specifically asked Nick a question. As far as I knew they weren’t dating or were friends with benefits or anything but she had her claws sunk into him so tight if she were to ever let go he’d have permanent scars in his arm. How did I always manage to attract trouble?

“So, how’m I doing?” I asked Liam as he held out a water bottle to me. He was grinning from ear-to-ear like a proud parent. I guess I was kinda seeing him as a second dad now. He always had my best interest in mind

“You’re amazing, as usual,” he replied.

I waved my hand at his words as I swallowed. “Stop, my head’s going to swell. It’s not going to photograph well.”

“Nice rhyme,” he said while lightly slapping my arm with rolled up paper. “I have a question though. How come you haven’t taken that off?” He asked, nodding towards the thick, colorful string bracelet around my right wrist. The scars underneath it started to itch from the question alone. “It doesn’t really go well with some of the other outfits you’ve tried on.”

What do I do? What do I do? Damage control. OK, change the subject. “How can you pay attention to my wrist when I’m working it up here?” I asked with a snap for emphasis.

“You’re crazy.”

“I take that as a compliment.” I walked past him to a fold-up director’s chair that was placed by the window of the warehouse we were shooting in. I sat down in the chair with a sigh. I reached down and unhooked the little straps of the heels that I was wearing, smiling at the feeling of relief that spread through me as soon as the heels came off. I rubbed the sole of one foot and propped my feet up on the window sill. Europe was a very beautiful place. Each country had something special about it and, so far, I really liked Sweden. I couldn’t understand anyone to save my life but I liked the sights.

Just looking out at the cityscape relaxed me. I could feel my stress levels starting to rise over the past couple of days as well as the feeling of a rock sitting on my chest. Ever since I had that freak asthma attack or whatever it was on my first night I tried to figure out what caused it but I had no clue. It was enough for me to make sure I stayed as calm as possible so it didn’t happen again. Looking back, it would’ve been smart to tell Aunt Abbey as soon as it happened but I kept my mouth shut. Why worry here when she was already worried about being away from her two kids?

But she wasn’t the only one with something to worry about. Dad and Mike had called me during my first break, separately. Mike said to call him back as soon as I heard Dad’s message and that tipped me off that something was up almost immediately. I then listened to Dad’s message carefully and then called him. He started out with small talk but I could tell by his voice that there was something he wanted to say.

“What is it that you need to tell me?” I asked once the formalities were out of the way.

Dad laughed softly. He was never one to laugh out loud. “Always cutting to the chase, huh?”

I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “You take too long to get to the point.” I made a face at the woman who was pulling at my hair and spraying hairspray on it. I quickly switched to French so we wouldn’t be overheard. “What’s going on?” I asked.

I could hear Dad’s sigh. “Your mother,” he paused as if the words were paint on his tongue. “Charlotte came to me with a question regarding their wedding.”

“They want you to be photographer? It’s cheap for them so I’d say you should do it. Save Mom a bunch of money,” I told him, wincing as a comb was suddenly pulled through my hair.

“It’s not that, sweetie,” Dad said. I could practically see him rolling a coin across his knuckles as he did when he was nervous.

“Then what is it?”

“When Charlotte and Mike get married, he’s going to be your step-father.”

“I’m quite aware of how the legal system works, Dad.”

“Mike called you, right?”

“Yeah. What was that about?”

“He and I—now we want you to take as much time as you want to think about this—but he—we—wanted you to consider your options.”

“Dad, what are you getting at? What options?” I asked, waving Liam away who was pointing at his watch. Geeze, breathe down my neck why don’t you?

“Mike wants to adopt you.”

“What?—Ow!” I was so shocked that I had jerked away from the lady who was combing my hair and she yanked it pretty hard. I gave her an apologetic smile and managed to stay still. “What?” I repeated, quieter this time. I must’ve misheard him.

“Mike wants to adopt you,” Dad replied, his voice very quiet. “That would mean that I wouldn’t have legal custody over you anymore. While you may still call me your dad I’d legally just be known as the guy who raised you. To put it on a bigger scale, I wouldn’t necessarily be considered ‘family’ if you were ever placed in the hospital for some reason.”

“No,” I said firmly.

“At least think about it—“

“No!” I repeated. How could they talk about this without me being present? I felt dazed. How could my own dad do this to me? “I don’t need to think about anything! I won’t let you give away custody, just like that. You’re my dad, not him! He’ll never be my dad!”

I could feel myself shaking with rage and I could practically see the looks that the hairdressers were giving each other at my outburst. It was a good thing they didn’t understand me. The rock-like feeling settled on m chest again and I took a deep breath to try and break it up.

The rest of the conversation was a blur. I remember Dad saying that I didn’t mean what I said and that I should talk to Mike and that he’d call back later. I don’t remember saying bye and going back to work but the pictures were proof that I did.

“Want some water?” Aunt Abbey asked, holding a waterbottle at me.

I shook my head. “What I want is to call Justin but you guys are being vraiment ridicule with this stupid lockdown thing.” They claimed that I was on the phone with Justin all the time so now I’m not allowed to call him more than once every three days. But I needed to call him today! I had to talk to him about my dad and congratulate them on their US album release today. They were acting as if I were addicted to him or something.

“We’re doing it for your own good,” Aunt Abbey said while. I rolled my eyes. Whatever. I waited until Aunt Abbey was out of earshot and pulled out my phone, grinning wickedly. They never said I couldn’t call any of the others. I whistled a tuneless tune while I waited for the phone to pick up. “Hello, hello,” I said cheerfully.

“Hey!” Lance said, equally cheerful.

“Happy release day. I know I’m a day late.”

“Thank you, much,” Lance replied in his drawl which always made me smile. “We’re still excited for the release. Justin and Chris are practically bouncing off the walls and JC’s become like a hermit, worrying about how we’re going to do.”

Typical JC. “Tell him to take a chill pill. You guys will do great.” Like usual. I squashed the bitter thought and only allowed good ones in. “Where are you guys headed next.”

“I think Canada. And before you say anything we can’t fly you there. No matter how much I miss you.”

“Awww. Lancie, you just turned my day around.”

“Why? What’s up?” I could practically see his white-blonde eyebrows knitting together. Note to self, never let Lance or Justin near hair dye unsupervised. I let out a breath and launched into the whole story about Mike and Dad and the wedding and giving over custody. Lance, being the loyal friend he is, stayed silent the entire time and let me rant as much as I wanted until my voice started to get hoarse.

“May I say something or did you just want me to listen?” Lance asked as soon as I stopped talking.

“Go ahead. Was I in the wrong?”

“Well…” Lance drew the word out. “Yes and no.”

“Waddya mean by that?” I asked. I figured Lance would take my side in this situation.

“I mean…you could’ve been nicer about it,” he said slowly, carefully picking his words to make sure I didn’t jump down his throat. Smart guy, Lance is. I wanted to reach into the phone and strangle him. But this was Lance, he always told me what I didn’t want to hear and he didn’t mince his words. “I understand that the divorce is hard. I understand that you’re still not over it despite you always claiming that you’re fine with it and that you’re happy that your parents are happy but Mike and your parents just want things to go as smoothly as possible. Mike isn’t trying to replace your dad. No one could ever do that, no matter how many times your parents get remarried. He loves you, I can see it every time he looks at you. You have to give him a chance.”

“He wants me to give permission to adopt me,” I reminded him.

“Well, do you want him to adopt you? Don’t even think about it; just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

“No,” I replied almost instantly. “By him asking I know it’s like he sees me as my daughter but…it’s just…”

“You’re still not comfortable with the idea of your mother remarrying.”

“Can you read my mind?”

Lance laughed. “No, you’re just easy to figure out. Look, the way I see it is you have to be honest with them, all three of them. You want them to be married, you’ve given your blessing on that, but you don’t think this is the right time to have the pressure of a decision this big put on your shoulders. Just be honest and everything will go well. Now, how are you doing?”

“I’m OK,” I replied. That was my automatic answer nowadays.

Apparently Lance saw through that too. “Mack, don’t start with me. I asked how you’re doing, now how attractive you think you are, speaking of which, that answer needs to change.”

“Whatever,” I muttered weakly. Where to start? Hmm, should I mention that I now have another target on my back? That I freak out every time I hear someone mention the name Lou Pearlman? That I think I’m slowly going crazy? That I’m scared for my life because of the Backstreet Boys’ fans? That I’m scared that I’m going to have another asthma attack or whatever that was? Nope, nope, and nope. They’d become even more overprotective than usual and I didn’t want that. I already felt like I was being watched by Big Brother all the time. “Um, I’m great. Kinda beat. The shows are amazing, the fans are nice but a little on the crazy side. I’m tired as hell. Most times I don’t know what city I’m in, let alone the country. Long story short, I’m having the time of my life.”

“It shows,” Lance replied, obviously not believing me. “It’s Lance you’re talking to. You don’t have to sugarcoat anything with me.”

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, carefully not to mess up my mascara. I didn’t want to have to sit in the dang makeup chair for another twenty minutes. “Everyone’s going crazy around here. They think I’m addicted to Justin, to say the least.” I got silence on the other end. I pulled my phone away from my ear and checked to see if I had dropped the call. I didn’t. “Lance? You still there?”

“Yeaaaahhhhh,” he said slowly.

“Uh-oh, that’s your ‘I’m going to say something that you don’t want to hear you need to hear it anyway’ voice,” I groaned and settled in my seat. “Ok, let me have it.” It can’t be too bad.

“It’s…your relationship in general. It’s endearing, really, but as I’ve said for years, it’s filled with you being a doormat for him. You practically wait on him hand and foot and I’ll bet that you’ve waited by your phone all day for him to call sometimes, right?” I bit my lip. I swear, it was like he was here with me. “And I’ll bet he’s kept you up late even when you needed to get up early the next morning because he wanted to talk about anything that came to his mind just because it wasn’t late for him. So, let me guess, they’ve been weaning you, so to speak?” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “I think that’s the best idea. Your relationship is toxic. You need to take this time to work on yourself, don’t worry about him.”

“I can’t just give him up like that, Lance.”

“I’m not saying give him up, I’m saying let him go for the time being. It’ll hurt, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.”

Unfortunately, like usual, Lance was right. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to believe them whenever they said that Justin was using me or whatever crap they said, it’s that I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but that’s hard to do with people telling you that constantly for the past four years. Can I really just drop him like that? I made up my mind almost as soon as that thought passed through.

I pulled a face when Liam frantically pointed at his watch again. “Err. Sorry, Lancie, Liam wants my attention. I gotta get back to this photoshoot. Talk to you later, OK?”

“OK. Have fun.”

“I will.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.” I hung up my phone and walked over to Liam. “Yes?” I asked as sweetly as possible. He rolled his neck and glared at me.

“Don’t pretend you never saw me,” he said. “You’re wanted on set. The artistic director wants to go over the next concept with you all.”

“What do you mean by ‘you all’?” I asked with finger quotes, handing over my phone. Almost as soon as the question was out of my mouth footsteps reached my ears and I saw the Backstreet Boys troop in with Aaron and Jane Carter behind them. “Should’ve known,” I muttered.

“Hey Legs, nice skirt,” AJ commented with a grin.

I lifted an eyebrow. “Don’t start with me, McLean,” I said in a warning tone. “So what’s the plan, Liam?”

“We want to have pictures that coincide with the tour, for promotion,” Liam explained as I took a chair and crossed one leg over the other. “So what we’re going to have you do is take pictures with each one of them to, in a way, show your different sides.”

“So, say one of my sides was goofy...?” I said slowly.

“You’d take a picture with whichever one of them is the goofiest,” Liam replied, nodding. Then he slapped his hands together. “So, you ready to get to work?”

“Yeah, sure,” I replied with a shrug. How hard could it be?

The next thing I knew I had been whisked into the dressing room to lay out the five different sets of clothes to go with whatever the Boys were wearing. I did my photo shoot with Kevin first. He wore a nice black three-piece suit for some shots and in others. I had a dark blazer, a cream colored button-down shirt (both with the sleeves rolled up) and a black and white pin-striped pencil skirt.  I looked like my mom. The pictures turned out great, despite how hot and bright the dang lights were. I felt like I was melting underneath them. It didn’t help matters much that I was thinking of how to talk to Justin without him freaking out on me but everything I came up with ended in disaster in my head and that made my stomach turn.

“Are you ok? You don’t look so good. Do you want some water?” Kevin asked as I sat down after my photo session with Brian and Howie. I was given a little break before I had to do it again with Nick and Aj who were tossing a football around with Aaron.

“I’m fine, Kev,” I replied. I was lying and he knew it. My head was hurting and I still felt hot even when I wasn’t under the lights and in a simple t-shirt and capris. “I just need some air.”

Well, this was a better time than never. With a heavy sigh I stepped out into the hall and sat on the floor. I turned my phone around in my hands a couple of times while trying to gather my wits. Finally, I let out a long sigh, as if coming from my toes, and pressed Justin’s speed dial number. I lowered my forehead to my knees while keeping my phone near my ear.  I really felt sick now, but it had to be done.

Please don’t pick up. Please don’t pick up. Please don’t pick up…

“Hey Mackie!”

Well, fuck me sideways.

“Hey J,” I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster while my stomach jumped around. “What’s going on?”

“Not much. Just riding around all day, seeing the sights and shit.”

“You can never appreciate sightseeing, can you?” Get to the damn point, Desorsiers, or you’ll never do it.

“Well, I mean all there is to see are signs here so…”

“Yeah,” was all I could muster. I swallowed hard but the lump in my throat wouldn’t go down. “Hey J, can we talk?”

“Yeah, sure, what’s up? Are you ok? Are they treating you right?” Justin asked.

God, why does he have to care so much? “They’re treating me fine. I wanted to talk to you…about us.”

I bit my lip when he didn’t say anything. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Finally, a few seconds later, he spoke. “What do you mean?” What was wrong with his voice? Could he tell what I was about to say? “There’s not much more space you can get with me being all the way over here. Do you want me to call less or something?”

“No, no, that’s not it.” How do I even say this? Justin, we should stop being friends for the time being. That’ll go over like a stripper being paid to dress a mannequin.

“Then what is it? I can take whatever it is you have to say.” Are you sure about that? “You’ve told me ou hated me many times and, even though each one hurt, I got past it.”

Stab a knife if my heart why don’t you? I clenched the phone a little tighter and let out another sigh. “I don’t think…we should be friends…at the moment,” I choked out, feeling the lump in my throat get tighter and cut off my words. I waited, holding my breath for him to say something else. But it was dead silent on his end. I lifted my phone away from my ear to see if I had dropped the call. “Justin?” I managed to get out.

“…I’m still here,” he replied. His voice sounded rough. “I just…I guess I don’t understand. But, I think I do too.”

The tone of his voice made my heart break. I wanted to take it all back but…I couldn’t and he knew that I could and what made this whole thing worse was that he was taking this better than I thought. I wanted him to fight me, get mad, something.

But all he did was accept it.

“I guess I’ll just…call you later?”

“Justin,” I whimpered. I need you!  I wanted to shout but the words didn’t come out. This had to be done. The dial tone buzzing in my ear signaled that he hung up. I slowly put down my phone. Despite being surrounded by people I’ve never felt more alone in my life.

And I caused it.

My foot started bouncing rapidly on the floor and I wrapped my arms around myself to try and control my shaking but it wouldn’t stop. The feeling of a weight resting on my chest returned and I found it hard to breathe again. I knew letting Justin go would hurt but I didn’t think it’d actually kill me.

 It was then that I realized that it wasn’t Justin that needed me; it’s that I needed Justin.

“Mack…okay?” Whoever called my name it was very muffled, I almost didn’t hear it. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up at my aunt whose eyes were wide in fear.

"Help…me,” I gasped.

Aunt Abbey had gotten me calm enough to talk to Liam about what had happened. I was still freaked about it though; I ended up trembling a little. The photoshoot was put on pause for me as Liam got a car to take Abbey and I to the doctor. I, of course, protested the entire way.

I hate doctors with a passion. It’s doctor’s that told my mom that she couldn’t have any more kids. It’s doctor’s that told my dad he had cancer. The way I see it, if I could avoid doctors for the rest of my life, then I would be happy. But, of course, I did something to piss God off so now he was punishing me.

Aunt Abbey must’ve noticed that I was ready to jump out of my skin as soon as the car stopped in front of the doctor’s office because she kept telling me that everything was going to be okay. How could I believe her? We were in a different country with people who practice different medicine. Surely, that’d give her some cause for concern.

“You’re not going to tell my mom and dad, are you?” I asked while biting my thumb and looking around the office. It was cold. Not as cold as it was outside but it was noticeably cold. Why must doctor’s offices be cold anyway? Don’t we have to suffer enough just being here?

“You know I have to,” Aunt Abbey replied. “My brother would kill me if I didn’t say anything about his daughter being sick or losing an arm or whatever.”

“It’s just asthma,” I grumbled. “It’s no big deal.”

“Do you honestly believe that?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. I didn’t respond. She turned back to the magazine that she had picked up off of the coffee table. It was one of those teen magazines. I didn’t understand a lick of Swedish but I could tell by the pictures of the seemingly perfect-looking boys on the cover. The industry that I’m in is so superficial sometimes.

Finally I was called into the doctor’s office. I knew right away I wasn’t at a normal doctor’s office when I saw that a lady was sitting behind a desk. Her hair was pulled back in a perfect bun and her hands were clasped together. She motioned for Aunt Abbey and I to sit down while I eyed her warily.

"So tell me why you're here today,” the doctor said to me as soon as the door was closed. She looked at me over her dark-rimmed glasses. I didn’t think she’d speak English that well.

“I have no clue,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. “My tour manager and my aunt told me to come.”

“You’re touring?” She asked. Isn’t what I just said? I bit my lip hard to keep my sarcastic comment in and nodded. “What kind of touring?”

“Music,” I replied. “I’m a singer, I guess.” That word still didn’t sit right on my tongue.

“She’s been having some trouble, lately,” Aunt Abbey replied. “Her breathing is affecting her. She has asthma but I’m pretty sure they’re not asthma attacks. And she’s been complaining of chest pains and dizziness. I’ve gotten her checked out a couple of times but everything seems fine. However, it keeps coming back.”

"Why do you think this is?" the doctor asked.

"If I knew that I wouldn't be here," I replied through clenched teeth. I hadn’t been here that long and I’ve already had enough of it. Next to me Abbey sighed. A sort of smirk bloomed on the doctor’s small, mouse like face. The fingers that had previously twitched now danced across the notepad that was in front of her, relieved they finally had something to write.

"You don't think you should be here?" The therapist was good. This was a much more complex question. Answer no and you're in denial, but answer yes and you're admitting you have a problem. I didn’t have one. Well, I currently had one with her but, that I knew of, I didn’t have a big problem.

“I don’t even know why I’m here,” I replied. “I was forced to come.”

"So tell me about this breathing problem."

Why change the subject lady? "It's not a big deal. It’s just asthma." I shrugged.

"Does it have anything to do with why you're here?" Another shrug. "I think it does.” That’s nice. “You’re touring you’ve said?” Ah, so you do listen. “How long have you been touring?”

“A few weeks,” I replied.

“Have you felt homesick?”

I shrugged. “Not really.” Abbey stayed silent and looked around the room, obviously trying to be invisible to some degree.

“Not really?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Do you miss your friends?”

“Of course but it’s understandable with traveling so much.”

“Do you think about them a lot?”

“When I’m not busy.”

“When aren’t you busy?”

“A few minutes between going from one place to the next, doing one thing and then another.”

“Do you have much free time?”

“Not really. No.”

“Would you say you’re overwhelmed?”

I shrugged again. Something was seriously wrong with my shoulders. “The amount of work isn’t hard to handle, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Not even mentally? Do you ever feel mentally tired?”

“I don’t get much sleep, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“But you do sleep?”

“Yes, normal, living, breathing people need sleep to function.” The doctor’s eyebrows went up. If I was going to be stuck here answering questions I might as well give her what I was thinking.

“What would you say your child life was like?”

I blinked. She almost caught me off guard by switching gears. “Fun, I guess.”

“You guess?” She seemed to be hooked on the last word.

“My parents weren’t around a lot. They had to work. But they usually made up for it. I had friends to play with so I didn’t really notice.”

“But you did notice sometimes.”

“Sometimes.”

“Like when?”

“They weren’t around for my fourteenth birthday,” I replied. “I noticed that.”

“Do you know why?”

I shrugged. Aunt Abbey cleared her throat. I turned to look at her. Her eyes shifted towards me before looking at the doctor. “Her parents went on a couple’s retreat, to try and save their marriage. Her father’s my oldest brother.”

“I see,” the doctor said while writing down her notes. My lip curled. She saw jack squat, she didn’t know anything about us. “So they’re divorced?”

“Just recently, yes,” Aunty Abbey replied.

“Did the fight a lot?” The doctor asked me.

“Not in front of me, no.” I paused. “I didn’t really notice until I got older. I overheard them sometimes.”

“Did it bother you?”

“It made me wonder why they were fighting but I wouldn’t say it bothered me.” Lies. All lies. If it didn’t bother me I wouldn’t have cuts on my arm. It was strange, the way the doctor was looking at me. It was if she could read my thoughts.

“It didn’t bother you at all?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Most children would act differently if their parents were fighting. Act out. Become reserved. Learn to cope with the inevitable end of their marriage in certain ways.”

I glared. “What’re you getting at?” I demanded.

“Mack,” Aunt Abbey whispered.

“It’s quite alright,” the doctor said with a smile, leaning back in her chair. “I mean, some children don’t know how to cope. Some become so…dependant on their parents its as if they regressed in mentality. Some pick up other activities to take their minds off of it. Some…feel like they’ve lost control of something so they do something…drastic to get control in return.”

“Such as?” I asked.

“They fight,” the doctor replied simply. “Some try to get their parents back together. Some act out. Others develop bad habits such as smoking, getting an eating disorder, or harm themselves to some degree to cope with the pain of their broken family.” I hated the way she was looking at me as she said that. I wanted to knock her teeth out. She didn’t know anything about me. She didn’t and she never would. “Would you say you’re a Daddy’s girl or a Mother’s girl?”

I blinked. “Daddy’s girl,” I replied. “I love my momma to death, she’s my best friend, but…I don’t know, I adore my dad.”

“How close would you say you are to your parents.”

“Very close.”

“How much do you call them while on tour?”

“Once a day at the least.”

“Do you ever find yourself worrying if they don’t answer? That maybe something went wrong?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe.”

“When do you normally get your chest pains and have trouble breathing?”

“Before I go to sleep.”

“What do you think of before you go to sleep?”

“My family and friends.”

“About how you miss them?”

“Yeah.”

“How strong is that feeling? Of missing them?”

“Very strong. It’s kind of…”

“Stifling?”

“…yes.”

The doctor took off her glasses and started at me hard. I shrank in my seat. Aunt Abbey put a hand to my knee and gave it a little squeeze. The doctor then let out a little smile and turned to Aunt Abbey. “I’m fairly certain your niece is suffering from Monophobia along with a panic disorder,” the doctor replied. “Monophobia is an acute fear of being alone and having to cope without a specific person, or perhaps any person, in close proximity. I conclude that whenever she thinks about her friends or family and that she’s away from them her anxiety levels rise and she suffers a panic attack as a result. Is there anyone specific that she’s been…attached to lately?”

“Justin,” Aunt Abbey replied. I rolled my eyes. “He’s her best friend. They’ve practically been joined at the hip since they were born. This is the first time they’ve really been apart”

The doctor nodded. “And I think it’s a good thing, too. This way she can learn to be by herself and depend on herself instead of others.” I scoffed. I hated it when people talked about me as if I wasn’t in the room. It was annoying and downright rude.

“What can she do? What can I do?”

“Keep her busy,” the doctor replied. “That’s all you can do. Keep her busy so she doesn’t think about her home or her family as often. Keep her mind on the tasks as hand. Or get her take up a new hobby of sorts.”

Aunt Abbey nodded. “Okay, thank you doctor.”

Yeah, thanks for nothing.

“C’mon Mackenzie, focus, you know this,” the tutor said in what I think was supposed to be an encouraging voice but it only got on my nerves even more.

I was already in a bad mood as soon as I got back to the photo shoot because of the way everyone was looking at me. I’ll bet Aunt Abbey called them ahead of time while I was getting my medication. Then, to make matters worse, I had to take time out of the shoot to do homework because of the blasted tutor Liam hired for Nick and I. And, to put the cherry on top of everything, Nick was flying through the problems while I was still stuck on question three.

“What started World War II?” The tutor asked.

I sighed and rested my chin in my hands and shrugged. “Hitler?” I replied.

The tutor gave a half smile. “Well, you’re kind of right. But what specifically started it?”

“The invasion of Poland?” I guessed again.

“It’s a little bit bigger than that,” the tutor sighed.

I wanted to rip the tutor’s lips off. Like this wasn’t hard enough for me already. I didn’t need her fucking pity. I felt a light nudge on my side and tilted my head slight to look at Nick. His head was tilting towards the paper but his eyes shifted back and forth from me to where his pen was resting. This is the answer, he mouthed, jabbing his pen at the paper. I leaned over a little bit and managed to make out a few of the words.

“Ms. Charlotte?” The tutor asked. Uh oh, she was getting impatient.

“Um…the Treaty of Versailles?” I asked slowly.

“No, it’s…” the tutor sighed but then she stopped in mid-sentence. “Did you say Treaty of Versailles?” She asked.

“Yes,” I replied, backing away from the table a little.

“That’s right!” The tutor said happily, as if she were talking to a baby.

Okay, tutoring is over for me. I did my best to finish the worksheet that I was given to name dates and important people and other boring shit like that. It was going to be graded and History was the only class that I was in danger of failing.

“Thanks for savin’ my ass,” I said as soon as the tutor was out of earshot.

Nick smiled. One of those smiles that make me feel giddy from my head down to my toes. “No problem. No offense, but I would’ve gone crazy if we were stuck here much longer.” Then he reached out and flicked me on the nose. I swatted at his hand but he pulled it away, laughing.

“So History’s not my best subject. Sue me,” I said and roll my eyes. Just then Liam came in and said we had to get back to work. I let out a long sigh. Back to the daily grind. Don’t get me wrong, photo shoots are fun if they have a good idea behind it, otherwise it gets old pretty fast.

“What do you want to wear?” The stylist asked as she pushed through a rack of leather and denim. The shoot was revolving around AJ’s taste in clothes, which I was happy for. He could have good taste if he tried.

“I like plaid a lot so I want to wear something plaid.” I replied as I scanned the clothing items. “Ooh! I got an idea. How about this dark blue plaid with that black tank top, those jean shorts, and then those black ankle boots?” I suggested, pulling off each item off the rack as I named them.

Ha. Who said I didn’t have style?

I loved the way the clothes looked on me. Lately I was starting to rely on any pair of shorts I could get my hands on, whether they be Bermuda shorts or short shorts. They were my go-to item of clothing whenever I went on stage as well. It got hot up there really fast and it was easier to move around in ‘em.

AJ let out a whistle as I walked onto the set of the photoshoot and I rolled my eyes. “Might want to try some other flattery tactic,” I said while tweaking his nose and looking at the brick-like background. “Are we supposed to look like thugs or something?”

“I think you’re trying to show your ‘tough’ side,” AJ replied. “But that’s hard to believe with that cute face,” he added with a wink.

I let out a little laugh. “Better.” I jumped when a fluffy pad was shoved onto my face. Those makeup people don’t mess around.

“So, how’re you doing?” He asked.

I lifted my eyebrow because I couldn’t open my eyes, unless I wanted an eyeful of powder in my face. “I’m…fine?” I replied. It came out more as a question through. He never really seemed interested in what I was doing, unless he was trying to play a trick on me. Again. Ever since I mentioned that I’ve never fallen for a prank AJ, Brian, and Nick seemed to make it their mission that I try and fall for at least one while on the tour. It was ridiculous how hard they were trying. “Why?”

“Because I noticed that we’ve been on this tour—what, a week now?—and we haven’t even properly welcome you to the tour,” he replied. I blinked rapidly as soon as the puffball was pulled away from my face and looked at him. It was hard to tell if he was being serious or not, especially with his sunglasses on. All I could see was the reflection of my eyes that held suspicion. “So, we want to take you to a club tonight.”

Red light! Red. Fucking. Light. I made a face at the memory of what happened the last time I went to a nightclub in Sweden. I could feel my cheeks turning red from the thought alone so I tried to think of something else. My dogs, yes, that’d work. But then a scary thought popped into my head and made a chill run down my spine. What if Bobbie knew about what happened? Then I shook my head. I was freaking out over nothing. Innocent until proven guilty.

“Thanks but no thanks, I don’t do clubs,” I replied. Ha, that was an understatement of the century. I avoided them like a sticky-fingered, pink-eyed six-year-old.

“Why? They’re harmless,” he commented as the people behind the camera got into their positions.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “If you call harmless rubbing your crotch on a stranger’s ass, then yes, it’s harmless,” I said candidly. “I just don’t see what you gain from it. Besides guys getting boners.”

“Now see, you need to change that attitude if you’re even going to think about getting a guy.”

I scoffed. “Who said anything about me getting a guy? I’m on tour to work, remember?”

“All work and no play makes you a dull girl,” AJ teased while tapping my nose.

“Don’t make me bite you,” I threatened.

He smirked. “What if that’s what I want?”

“Okay, freak.”

He shrugged. I could practically see the words rolling off of his body. “I’ve been called worse. But you’ve been locked up in your room or on your bus after every show and you don’t do anything fun.”

“My idea of fun is different than yours,” I pointed out, pinching a mascara clump.

“But you like to dance,” he stated.

“I love to dance, for one thing, but that doesn’t mean I like to do it all the time,” I corrected him after taking a shot and moved slightly to take another pose. “It’d be like a guy taking me out on a date—and what do we do?—we go dancing. It’s not original, it’s like…kissing up to me just ‘cause it’s my job. Thanks, but no thanks AJ. I’ll find something else to do. I won’t stop you from going but I don’t want to go. Okay?”

“Okay, okay,” he said as he held up his hands. “We’re just trying to be nice and all.”

I laughed. “Since I’ve been here you all have spoiled the hell out of me, basically wait on me hand and foot, and include me in almost everything you do. I think you’re being nice enough. I’m surprised you all aren’t sick of me yet.”

“Speaking of sick,” AJ said, dropping his voice and grinning as if he had a juicy secret. “Ever wonder why Mandy’s not here breathing down our necks?” He asked. I lifted my eyebrows at his words. I always thought there was some unspoken rule between them that they respected each other’s girlfriends.

“Yeah, Nick seems happier than usual,” I noted.

“Well, it’s cause she came down with the flu,” AJ replied gleefully. “So that’s roughly three days with her out of our hair. And look, even Nicky’s livelier than usual.”

“Why are they dating again?” I asked. “I’m sorry, I mean ‘dating’,” I said with finger quotes. According to him they weren’t dating but according to Mandy—and all of the times she glared at me—they were. “I mean, she doesn’t even seen like his type. She’s too—“

“Loud? Annoying? Pushy? Bossy? Narcissistic? An all around bitch? Take your pick, whatever you think of it defines her,” he said dryly. “It’s because they both live in Ruskin and had a lot of classes together when they were younger. He’s slowly starting to realize what a pain she is and that she’s only taking him down. The worst part, she’s trying to get a record deal.”

I almost choked on my own spit. What? What? She, of all people in this whole damn freakin’ world wanted to get a record deal? I couldn’t even stand to listen to her talk but sing? God must be playing a horrible joke on me. “….seriously?” I finally asked.

He nodded. “Seriously. I guess she feels the only to keep an eye on Nick is to do the same thing he’s doing. It’s ridiculous.”

“I would’ve used a stronger word, but my sentiments exactly,” I agreed, shaking my head. It was impossible for me to wrap my head around it. “So…basically…she’s going to be following Nick around the rest of this tour…under the guise of wanting to know the ins and outs of the recording industry…so I’ll have to deal with her hating on me for no reason for roughly two more months?” I asked. “Does the world hate me? What did I do? Really, I want to know.”

“What’re you blabbering about?” AJ asked.

“It seems the girlfriends of my friends always end up hating me. First, there’s that Fiona chick you dated whom I’ve never met in my life—“ AJ made a strange noise at the mention of Fiona’s name “—then it’s Bobbie, and now Mandy. Am I, all sixteen years of me, that much of a threat to them? Like, really? I’m 5’2”, I weight about a hundred pounds. I can’t be that intimidating!” I cried out, throwing my arms into the air.

The bright flash from the camera almost blinded me. I dropped my arms and rubbed my eyes. “Okay, that’s all we need. Thank you,” the photographer said in a heavy accent.

“Something tells me we just botched that photo shoot,” AJ said dryly. I smiled.

“’Tima, you’re going to kill me before the show even starts,” I sighed as I sat down on the edge of the stage. My chest was heaving from the workout I just went through with Lyric and Codie. Sweat dripped off of my nose as I leaned forward to try and catch my breath. It felt like my heart was about to explode from how fast it was moving. Now I know why the guys complain so much when I make them work out. “I think I’m going to die.”

“You’re being overdramatic,” Fatima said with a laugh. She held up her hands while walking over to me, her braided hair swinging behind her. I slowly lifted my arms—which felt like noodles—and slapped her simultaneous high fives. “You did really well today. Like you have a hidden energy source or something.”

I chuckled a little. “Just having a good day.” You can only call it a good day with Mandy being sick, just hearing that turned my whole day around. I know I may sound like a bitch for liking that someone else is sick but if you had to go through a day like I had and then deal with her rude self, you’d be in my position too.

“Try having a good day every day,” Fatima replied while pushing some of her long braids off of her shoulder and grasping my knees. “You’re improving so quickly. You remind me of me when I was younger.”

“So you were a dictator when you were younger?” I joked.

She lightly smacked my arm. “I’m not that bad!”

“Ah, now I know where I get it from,” I said as I stuck my finger in the air.

“Yeah, whatever.” Her smile faded a bit. “So I heard, about your monophobia thing.”

Who hasn’t? I thought bitterly. Being on tour is like being in a small school, word gets around ridiculously fast. I said as I tugged on my scrunchie and let my hair fall from its ponytail. I made a face when my hair—wet with sweat—hit my back.

“How’re you holding up?”

I shrugged. “About as good as I can get, I guess. It’s not all that shocking really. I’ve been in and out of therapists for years. It’s about time they finally figure out what’s wrong with this head,” I said while pressing a finger to my temple. I dropped my hand and gave a little shrug. I didn’t even know how to properly feel about it. I’m sure my parents are worried but, unfortunately, they can’t do much where they are. “I’m fine, really. It’s just going to take some management and getting used to.”

I almost snorted at what I said. How could she even believe that? I was having a hard time going day by day and resisting the strong urge to cut. It’s gotten worse since the day Justin and I decided to put our friendship on hold. I found myself lying awake at night trying to figure out why he gave up on me so easily and that lone would make the urge stronger. I did everything I could to make the urge go away, watch TV, listen to music, write music, and snapping a rubber band on my arm. Eventually sleep won but then I woke up the next morning like a zombie.

I was getting so good at lying that it was starting to scare me.

What made it worse was that everyone believed me.

“Thank you Gothenburg! We’ll see you next time. We have Aaron Carter up next and the Backstreet Boys after him so you better have your dancing shoes on. Good night!”

I grasped Lyric’s and Gabe’s hands before bringing them up, over my head and bowed with them. The sound of applause and cheers were loud. If I didn’t have my ear monitors in I’d probably lose part of my hearing for the night. As always adrenaline continued to pump through my veins as I followed them off stage straight to the towel that Abbey held out to me.

“Sweden’s supposed to be cold. I feel like a pig over an open fire,” I muttered as I wiped sweat off of my forehead with the towel and pulled my shirt away from my slick skin.

“A pig wouldn’t be standing there, he’d be running,” Gabe commented as he took a towel from my aunt and rubbed it over his blond hair. As soon as he pulled it away his hair stuck up in every direction.

“Why’s it have to be a boy pig?” Sevvie questioned and then gulped a bottle of water while some stage hands directed us back to the dressing rooms.

“Yeah, why can’t it be a girl?” Codie agreed. “We have equal rights, you know.”

“Fine then, it’s a girl pig,” Gabe shrugged.

“But wait. That means we’re being eaten,” Lyric summed up.

“Nothing gets by you, Lyrabelle,” Gabe teased, ruffling her sweaty hair.

“Hey, Gabe, stop instigating. I’d love to have my band stay in one piece,” I said as I lightly shoved his arm and then hooked arms with my aunt. “Anything I need to know?” I asked her. “Any missed call or something of the like?”

“No, but Liam says that Johnny wants to meet with you tomorrow,” Aunt Abbey replied, giving my shoulder a little squeeze. Wait, what? I wrinkled my nose. “He didn’t say what about,” she continued when she saw the look on my face. “But I’m sure it’s nothing but good news.”

“Cross your fingers,” I sighed. I looked up and smiled when I noticed the Carter family was headed in our direction, as well as the two backup dancers that Aaron had.

“Are you going to see my show?” Aaron asked excitedly as he bounced up and down. He reminded me of a blond haired pogo-stick.

“Of course, don’t I always?” I asked with a little laugh, reaching out to ruffle his hair. Oh, how I loved the little kid. “I won’t miss it, I promise. I’m just going to take a shower first.”

“Alright, we’ll save you a spot,” Jane said with a tight lipped smile. Did it get cold in here?

“Okay then,” I replied, blinking. “Did I do something to her?” I asked Nick.

He sighed and shook his head. “No, she’s kind of…wary around the girls I like to hang out with,” he replied slowly.

“Yeah but she seems to dislike me specifically and I’ve been nothing but a ray of sunshine,” I replied. Okay, I was exaggerating a bit, but it was true, I haven’t done anything to her.

“She’s get over it,” he replied. “Anyway, I heard you’re not going to the club with everyone.”

“Yeah, it’s not really my thing,” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck.

“I don’t really like them either. So maybe you wanted to hang out? We can find something to do. It shouldn’t be too hard, in a large place like this.”

I felt my aunt subtly press her index finger into my spine, her silent way of urging me to go with him. My brain couldn’t process what he was asking. Was he asking just to hang out or…? I looked away from him, feeling my heart speed up a bit. I didn’t want to get my hopes up over nothing but…maybe he was actually asking what I thought.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” I replied. I forced the words out slowly so it would mask my excitement but I really just wanted to run down the hall and click my heels together. “I can think of something while you guys do your show so you can shower afterwards and we can head out once we decide on something. Sound good?”

“Sounds good to me.” He gave a brief smile before continuing on his way, chasing after Aaron.

“Tell me your thoughts before I start freaking out,” I instructed Abbey.

“Think you got asked out on your first date, kiddo,” she replied with a wide smile. “So what were you thinking of doing?”

“I don’t know. What’s there to do around here?”

“Tell you what, I’ll look for something while you shower.”

I stood on my tiptoes and kissed her cheek. “Thanks so much, auntie. But please don’t mention this to my band yet! Lyric will bombard me with questions and stuff that I can’t answer and she won’t leave me alone once she knows, okay?”

“Okay, just go!”

I laughed and ran ahead to get to the dressing room. I wanted to look at my e-mails first. I had written a lot of people and I wanted to get a chance to read some of them. I set a stage manager’s cube of a laptop onto my lap and waited for it power up. That shower is so inviting now, I could feel my muscles tightening up now.

Finally it loaded up and I signed into my AOL account. I smiled at the patented “You’ve got mail!” chime that came out of the computer and looked at the messages. Hmmm, Britney, Christina, Heather, Leslie, my parents, Lynn, I named off in my head. Then I frowned. There was one from Justin sitting there. He hasn’t said much, if anything, to me since our falling out. Why would he want to e-mail me now? Sighing, I clicked on his e-mail, which was uncharacteristically titled MESSAGE and waited for it to load. By this time I didn’t think anything could ruin my day but, of course, I was wrong, again. And by the second line in Justin’s e-mail I wasn’t sure anything could change my mood back.

Mack,

It took me a couple of drafts writing this e-mail to make sure I got what I wanted to say out and in the right way that I was sure you’d understand. I can’t deal with this back and forth with you. I can’t be toyed with like a yo-yo any longer. Either you’re angry with me and wans your space or we’re fine and we’re super close.

I’m getting dizzy and I can’t take it anymore. I won’t take it anymore. I don’t know how I’ve lasted these past twelve years together but frankly I’m sick of it and I’m sick of you. I’m done with you. Don’t even bother coming back to us.

You’re dead to me.

Justin

I read it once and, still in shock, again. Three times. The words blurred, I couldn’t focus on them. This isn’t happening! Please tell me this isn’t happening. But it was. Time was still moving. The world was still turning. My proof was the sound of laughter down the hall and the music that was playing from a customized playlist to keep the crowds happy while they waited for the next act.

I was afraid to breathe, that one tiny exhale would make my world shatter. He…he couldn’t just…leave me. But the words on the screen proved that he did. And it kills me. I slowly lowered the lid of the computer, fully aware of how much my hand was shaking. I let out a breath and squeezed my eyes tight to keep the tears in. How did I always end up screwing something up? How? I bit my lip to stop from sobbing. It’s no wonder—

I cut that thought right away. I took in a deep breath and let it out, repeating the process until I wasn’t shaking anymore. Now that shower suddenly sounded really good. No one would be able to hear me crying over the sound of the water.

“Please?” I begged.

“Sorry,” Eric replied, shaking his head. Next to him Todd was trying to keep the stern look in his face. I’ve been working on these two for the past twenty minutes and I was sure I was wearing them down.

“Why not?” I demanded.

“Because we’re your bodyguards for a reason. We have to guard your body,” Todd said slowly.

I stuck my tongue out at him. “Believe it or not I’m aware of what the word means,” I grumbled. “Why can’t I go out with him by myself? With you two there we wouldn’t be able to talk about anything?”

Eric squinted at me. “Is this a date?”

I blinked. “No. Why?”

“Well, you just asked if you could go out with him by yourself.”

I rolled my eyes. Why did boys make things so difficult? “I meant go outside. Past the four walls of this jail cell called a hotel. Without you.” I don’t think I could reiterate that enough.

“Sorry, boss’s orders,” Todd said with a shrug.

I stared at him and then squinted. “You mean JC’s orders?” I questioned, crossing my arms over his chest. They didn’t say anything, but exchanged looks. “The guy’s ruling my life when he’s about a thousand miles away! Great!” I threw my arms into the air. “It’s not even a date! We want to hang out.”

“If it weren’t a date you wouldn’t mind us being around,” Eric pointed out with a smirk. I opened and closed my mouth as I struggled to find something to say while their smirks grew bigger. “So is it—?”

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know. I just want your permission to go. I already have Aunt Abbey’s. Just give me yours!” I cried out in exasperation. If we weren’t in a hotel room and if I wasn’t worried about disturbing the neighbors I’d be they think someone would be getting murdered in here judging by how bad I want to wring their necks.

“How about this,” Eric said as she stood. “We can drive you two wherever you want to go and we’ll hang back and it’ll be like we aren’t there. We need to do our job, which is protecting you and, by extension, anyone around you. You’ll be happy and we’ll be happy.”

I pouted. “I’m not going to get my way am I?”

Todd chuckled while standing. Then he ruffled my hair. “Do you ever when it involves us?” He questioned. Then he looked me up and down. “Are you going to wear that?” He questioned.

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” I asked while looking down. A blue and black plaid button-down shirt, black jeans, and dark purple converses looked back up at me. I thought I looked fine.

“We’re in Sweden. Don’t you want to wear something more…layered?” He asked, scratching the back of his neck

“No, I’m fine,” I said in a dismissive tone. I went over to my suitcase and dug around in it until I found my camera. Smiling a bit I ducked my head and let the strap fall around my neck. Dad’ll love the pictures I take. Night shots were his all time favorite. “I have a jacket. I have gloves. I’m from Canada, I know how to prepare for the cold.” I turned and tossed him a hat to cover his bald, shiny head. “Now you, you might want to cover up your head. The head could stimulate hair growth,” I teased.

“Okay, if you get pneumonia again don’t come crying to me,” Todd said as he held up his hands.

“Yeah yeah,” I muttered and then jumped at the sound of knocking on the door. “Don’t even think about it!” I warned Eric who had started to move towards the door. If it was Nick I didn’t want them to say anything that could potentially ruin this date…erm, non-date. Whatever it is. Not getting my hopes up here. No siree! But just as an extra precaution I stopped by the mirror and made sure every single piece of hair was in place. I paused and let out a breath before opening the door. I was getting so worked up over nothing. “Hey Nick,” I greeted him with a smile that always seemed to form on my face at the mere thought of him lately.

“Hey,” he responded with a big smile of his own and stepped into the room. Then he noticed Eric and Todd and waved at them. “Where’s your aunt?” He asked.

I scrunched up my eyebrows. Did he really care about where she was? “Umm, at the hotel’s gym I think,” I replied. “So anyway, I didn’t really decide on something but I was thinking maybe we could go to the botanical garden? If that doesn’t sound too stupid and lame.”

He shrugged. “That’s fine. Whatever you want to do.”

“Cool. Okay, so, Eric and Todd have to come too,” I explained, jerking my thumb in their direction and picking up the black sweatshirt that was lying on my semi-cluttered floor. “Protection and stuff,” I said after I popped my head out of the sweatshirt and tilted my neck so I could move my hair.

He gave a little laugh. “Dimples, it’s fine. I understand perfectly fine. Doing what we do…we kinda lose the right to be normal,” he explained. “This, having bodyguards, is the new normal. It’s better to get used to it than to fight it.”

“Don’t you know me by now?” I asked with a grin while checking my pockets to make sure I had my wallet, phone, and room key. “I have to fight everything,” I smirked.

“No way.”

“It’s the truth.”

“No…way!”

“It’s true!”

“It is so not true. Quit lying,” I ordered, jabbing my spoon in Nick’s direction. I looked down and scooped up another chunk of strawberry in the ice cream that I had ordered. We had gone to the botanical garden so I could take pictures of the flowers and surrounding areas but I could tell Nick was getting bored so we ended up walking around and talking. As soon as his stomach started to talk we found a nearby ice cream parlor and sat down to eat. Tony and Eric were sitting away in a different corner, not too close but not too far away, just in case they needed to interfere if fans got too close, but none bothered us so far.

“I’m not,” Nick laughed. “Nirvana is so much better than Bon Jovi.”

I shook my head. “You can’t even compare them, really. They’re two different genres. That’s like comparing Ozzy Osborne to…Madonna. You just can’t do it.”

“Have you even listened to them?” Nick asked and then took a bite of his ice cream. He swallowed and added, “Nirvana I mean.”

I shook my head and made a face. “It’s not really my favorite style of music. I don’t listen to grunge or whatever it is too much. I’m more of a rock fan, 80s rock mostly ‘cause that’s what my parents always listened to when I wasn’t dancing.”

“Is that why you want to do rock music more than pop?” He asked. I nodded and took another bite. He twisted his mouth to the side. “You’re good at both, though. I mean, you have more energy for the pop songs, ‘cause you have to dance, but you have more passion for the rock ones. It’s like, you’re divide.”

I shrugged and quickly swallowed the ice cream in my mouth and then squeezed my eyes shut. Brain freeze. “Well, both go hand in hand, the way I see it. I’ve been dancing since forever, obviously, so it doesn’t surprise me that Liam’s pushing me towards that because it’s what I know. But I want to do something different. Something that makes me stand out. There are many bands out there with a female front, like Blondie, but I want to be kind of like Joan Jett but not to that extent. Y’know?”

Nick nodded. “I get it; I’m kind of the same way. I’m doing pop but I love grunge and rock and alternative.” He let out a little sigh. “I’m not going to lie, I…I feel trapped, sometimes. I love what I’m doing but…I don’t see myself singing pop forever.”

“Your taste is going to change by then I’ll bet,” I pointed out, wiping my mouth with a napkin. “I don’t think I’m going to like dancing forever. Somewhere down the line I’m going to have to stop before I bust my ankle.”

“Yeah, but it’s gotten you so far and opened many doors for you. Singing, acting…”

I scoffed. “Nick, those things only happened to me because it makes sense. If I dance to those types of songs, why not sing to? And I’m a huge drama queen so acting was only going to come sooner or later.” I sighed and shook my head. “Honestly, I wouldn’t have signed on for those things if my dad wasn’t sick. It wasn’t in my life plan, at first. I just wanted to dance my way around the world and meet new people. I would’ve been happy with that. I would’ve been able to die happy with that. But then my dad…money’s tight with us, especially since mom’s going back to school and I wanted to do something to thank them for taking care of me and giving me basically everything I wanted. Getting the money from this to pay my dad’s hospital bills was a no brainer.”

Nick started at me. Internally, I started to panic. Was something in my teeth? Hanging out my nose? In my hair? What. Was. It? “What?” I finally asked, slightly alarmed.

“Nothing,” he replied. “It’s just…I’ve never heard of anyone be so selfless. It’s…surprising.”

I shrugged and said modestly, “I’m southern. We’re always selfless. It’s how I grew up. Southern Hospitality and all that, it’s our motto down there.”

“Are you a southern belle or something?” He asked. I could tell he was actually curious and wasn’t making fun of me for it.

I shrugged again. “I like to think so. I’m an unconventional one, though. I admit, I’m not as polite as they usually are but I’m polite when it’s important. And I don’t do those pageants, but otherwise, I guess you could say I am. I mean, I know how to cook; I like to clean and take care of people, I can fix a sink, a toilet, and a car and I can sew pretty well.” Then I shook my head. “But I’d rather not talk about myself. This is a superficial industry; I have to talk about myself all the time. What about you? Anything you want to do later in life?”

“I don’t…know,” he replied. “No one’s ever asked me that question.

“Put you on the spot,” I teased. I pushed my bowl away and rested my chin in my hands. It was so easy to talk to him, I almost preferred it over hanging out with the other guys or *NSYNC. Almost. He didn’t tease me or make fun of the things I said or did. He didn’t laugh at the fact that I could be a klutz despite being a “graceful” dancer. When I was around him, I didn’t feel bad about who I was. I felt normal.

And I loved that feeling.

“I like the beach,” he said slowly. Duh. “I want to be a marine biologist, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” Nick said with a bit of sadness in his voice.

“What makes you say that?”

He shrugged. “When will I ever have the time to go to college? Get a better education?” he asked somewhat bitterly. “I’m probably going to be stuck with the education of a high schooler for the rest of my life.”

“If my mom can go back to college when she’s thir…I mean, young, when she’s young, you can too,” I told him, reaching across the table and lightly flicking his forehead. “It’s all about being positive. As long as you’re positive you can do anything. At least, that’s what Poppy says.” I snapped my fingers. “Hey, did Johnny say he wanted to meet with you?”

He nodded rapidly. “Yeah. You too?”

“Liam passed along the message. What do you think he wants?” I asked. I have to admit, I was kind of worried. If people thought I was sadistic, they haven’t met Johnny. He’d make anyone do what he wanted because, well, he was Johnny! “I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.” I paused to contemplate what I just said. “Today, at least.”

Nick made a snorting sound. “Oh, you’re like an angel around here. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

I tried to keep the smile off of my face but it formed anyway. This guy, ever the charmer without even realizing it. Usually I can keep my emotions on lockdown but not around him. Why is he so damn special? Why?

“I don’t think it’s bad,” he finally decided. “Maybe bad press though?”

“Not likely, Aunt Abbey gets anything with my name or yours or…theirs mentioned in it, just to be sure so she can alert the parents,” I replied. “It might not be too bad. I’m worrying myself over nothing.”

“Yeah, probably,” he agreed. “Are you done?” He asked, motioning to the bowls.

I nodded and stood, with him following suit. Then I walked over to Todd and Eric who seemed a little too absorbed in the pictures on the wall. “We can go now,” I told them. “And you don’t have to freak out on every fan that wants an autograph.”

“You don’t know what they’re capable of. Remember John Lennon?” Todd asked while he stood.

“I’m nowhere near a big enough blip on the celebrity radar to be a John Lennon,” I pointed out. “Hell, I’m not even on that radar at all and I’d appreciate it if things stayed that way.”

“Not going to happen if you keep dating Carter,” Eric said.

My lips twitched. “We’re not dating.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes.”

Truthfully? No.

“So? How was it?” Aunt Abbey asked as she walked into the bathroom the next morning basically at the butt-crack of dawn. I watched her move to the other sink through the mirror while I brushed my teeth and tried to keep my eyes open. These wake up times were ridiculous.

“Wha?” I grunted. What do you expect? It’s the morning and I have a toothbrush in my mouth.

“You know, your date,” she replied, lightly elbowing me.

“I’m sorry, are you my aunt or my cousin?” I questioned, pulling my toothbrush out of my mouth and then spat into the sink. “Ugh,” I groaned, pinching my fingers on the little bit of toothpaste I spat into my hair.

“I’m a girl who wants to know what happened,” she replied, tilting her head to brush her hair. “Details, please.”

“Nothing happened. We went to the botanical garden so I could—“

“The botanical garden?!”  Abbey interrupted me with a laugh. “You went to a botanical garden?”

I lifted an eyebrow. “I was taking pictures of some stuff for my dad, okay? Do you want to hear this or not?” She mimed zipping her lips and pressed them tight. She almost looked like a clown with how much her face was distorted. “An-ee-way, after that we walked around the place, stopped to sign autographs for people—of which I still can’t get used to doing, by the way—and then we got some ice cream and then came back to the hotel where we parted ways.”

“That’s it?” She asked, pulling the brush out of her dark hair.

“Uh, yeah? What else is supposed to happen? We go skipping off into the sunset?” I asked sarcastically while sticking my toothbrush under the tap water.

“Did he…have an excuse to touch you?” She asked. I shot her a sharp look. “Not like that! I mean, like, an excuse to…I don’t know, put his hand on your back? Guide you to a table? Move hair off of your face? Something like that.”

“No,” I replied.

“Did he…offer to pay for your ice cream?” She questioned.

“Yeah, but I didn’t want him to—ow!” I cried out, grabbing my arm where she hit me. “I know I’m not your direct child but I can call you out for child abuse.”

“That’s like the sure fire sign of it being a date!” She groaned. “Okay, did he hold your hand? Or at least try?”

I wrinkled my nose. “Kind of,” I replied, dabbing at my mouth with a washcloth. “When we were coming back I spotted this…mini wall thing. You know, the ones that surrounded those random flower plot decorations? Anyway, I was walking on one, like those trapeze artist people. So, I reached the end of the thing—and it was pretty high off the ground—and he held out his hand to help me down and he…kinda…didn’t let go after that,” I muttered the rest in a rush and went back to the bedroom part so I could sift through my suitcase and figure out what I wanted to wear for the day. Of course, Abbey was hot on my heels.

“REALLY?” She said excitedly.

“Yeah,” I replied.

The smile on her face faded. “Why aren’t you so excited about this? I mean, you two…you work. I can see it.” I shrugged and sat down on my bed. She knelt by my side. “Sweetie…are you scared that you’ll end up like your parents.”

“No,” I replied a little too harshly.

“You’re not like them.”

“I’m half Mom, half Dad. How do you know that’s not going to happen to me? Huh?”

She smiled and rubbed the back of my hand. “Because when you love, you love hard. You don’t mess around with this sort of thing. With your parents, they were brave enough to know when to let each other go. You shouldn’t let what happened to them effect what could happen to you, d’accord ma petite?” I twisted my mouth to the side as she kissed my forehead. “I’m going to take a quickl shower and then we’ll get going. You’ll be changed by then, right?”

“Right,” I replied. “Do you know what the others are going to do?” I asked, referring to my band.

“Go sightseeing I think,” she replied, grabbing a towel off the back of the desk chair. “Sev’s coming down with a cold, though. So be careful around her.”

“Got it,” I replied and then reached for my suitcase handle to pull it closer but I moved it to grab my phone when it started ringing. “Hello?” I answered.

“Good morning!” Joey chirped on the other end.

“Joey, how are you so peppy?” I asked with a laugh, realizing just how much I missed his voice.

“Our album came out yesterday. I’m still high from partying last night,” he replied.

“Joey, you better not mean high high.”

“Relax, Buttercup. High on life. High on fun. I don’t touch that stuff. Alcohol every now and then, but not that stuff. I don’t want anything to mess up this body. It’s a babe magnet.”

“I think it’s your larger-than-life attitude that makes people gravitate towards you, not your body.”

“Don’t ruin my image.”

I laughed. “Don’t you have a girlfriend, Joe?”

“No,” he replied solemnly. “We’re…off again.”

I tisked. “Oh, Joe.”

“She wanted some time to think, she says. I’m giving her her space.”

“Don’t do anything stupid,” I warned, picking up a t-shirt and then tossing it away.

“Do I ever?”

“Joey.”

“Okay, okay,” he laughed and then sighed. “So, how are you doing?”

“Honestly? I’ve been better,” I replied.

“Oh? Something happen?”

“You could say that,” I replied and then I explained about how I’ve been feeling lately and then I told him about the e-mail that I had received. I tried to keep my emotions out of it but I could tell that a little leaked into my words.

“That little…do you want me to talk to him?” Joey asked.

I smiled into the receiver at his big brother act. “No, it’s okay,” I replied. “It just felt a little weird. Now that I think about it, it didn’t really sound like him. I mean, you’d think someone who’s known me for so long would know that we’ve been friends for fourteen years, not twelve. And, come to think of it, it was addressed ‘Mack’ and not ‘Mackie’ like he usually writes.”

“So, what, you think someone else got into his e-mail and sent it to you? Why would someone do that?”

“To keep me from going back,” I replied.

“Who would do that? We all love you.”

I paused and let my mind wander. There’s only one other person there that wouldn’t want me there, if they had their way. My mouth slowly fell open. It had to be her. It was the only explanation.

That bitch.

March 26th, 1998
Gothenburg, Sweden

It took everything inside of me to keep my feet from moving and dashing right out the door as soon as I stepped into the conference room. My stomach twisted and lurched as soon as my eyes rested on him. Lou Pearlman. I should’ve known he’d be here but the thought didn’t even cross my mind. Of course he would be here, he was working over Johnny and basically knew every single thing that the Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC did.

Great day for you to wear shorts and tights, oh smart one. Especially with Sweden’s weather, I chided myself while sitting down next to Liam at the large table. Nick sat down across from me, next to Johnny, and Abbey sat at the back of the room, staying out of sight as best as she could but being close enough to hear and to make sure she had a say in anything.

For the first few minutes no one said anything. I bounced my leg. Then I bounced my foot. I sighed a few times and tapped my fingers on the table. I have the worst patience in the world, I realize, but something as important as bringing us in for this you’d think they’d just get right down to business. I just…I wanted to be away from people for a bit. Was that too much to ask?

I laughed a little mentally. There I go again, wanting to run away. We’re built with the Fight or Flight instinct but, despite how tough I seemed to be, deep down I was nothing but a coward, always running away. As if my mind was programmed to always make me choose the Flight option. I wanted to talk to my dad. My mom.  Justin even, I just…I needed to talk. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind doing this and not knowing how the next day would work, what I would have to face, what stupid teenage problem would knock at my knees until I fell down, which was always inevitable.

I couldn’t even get that letter out of my mind. It had to have been Bobbie who wrote it, no one else would be that malicious. She’s wanted me out since she met me and found out how long I’ve known JC. I mean, sure, I did used to kind of sorta like him, but not anymore. We’re friends. That’s it. But writing that e-mail was a low blow to my mentality and my emotions.

I swear, if she ever got into the same room as me…

“Okay,” Johnny finally spoke up. He tapped his papers on the table before putting them down and clasping his hands together. “I’ll just cut to the chase, we’ve been getting…reports, you could say, about you two.”

“Hey man, I haven’t done anything wrong!” I said as I held my hands up as if to signify how innocent I was. Why couldn’t I shut up? As soon as my mouth moved it didn’t want to stop.

“Calm down,” Liam laughed, putting my hands down. “You’re very jumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong. None of you did. We’re talking media reports.”

“Oh.” Well, now I felt stupid.

“Media reports about what, exactly?” Nick asked, his eyebrows crinkling together.

“You two,” Lou spoke up candidly.

Us two…what? I looked over at Nick who was probably reflecting the same look on my face. Then I looked at Liam to see the smile hadn’t left his. Us two? Us two? Oh….OH! Then I made a face, despite my heart actually jumping at the idea of use being considered together together. “No. No no no no,” I said quickly, waving my hands. “Nick and I aren’t, y’know, dating or anything.” Not that I don’t want to be. “We’re just friends.” Which sucks.

At my statement Nick’s face turned red and he quickly shook his head. Bless his heart, the poor guy’s so embarrassed he looks like he’s about to explode. “What she said,” he muttered.

“But the fans seem to think so and why not let them continue to think so?” Lou asked, a smile stretching over his features.

“I won’t lie to my fans. I don’t lie,” I stated. Abbey scoffed. “Okay, I don’t lie on purpose.” She made a sound again and I swung to look at her. “I only lie when I’m being sarcastic, I don’t flat out lie,” I told her. She smiled at me. “Shut up,” I grumbled, turning back around. She was totally related to my dad. I don’t know what it is about the Desrosiers side of the family but we sure are irksome. It’s no wonder I get on JC’s nerves so much. Then I made a mental note to try and be more civil towards him. I’m surprised I didn’t give him gray hair by now.

“I’m confused,” Nick spoke up. “You…want us to pretend we’re dating or something?” He questioned, his eyes crinkling in the corners a bit. I bit my lip and looked away from him. Goddammit, why is everything he does so cute? “I don’t feel right doing that.”

“I second that notion,” I replied, lifting my finger. I wasn’t going to fake a relationship with anyone just to protect our name and our sales and everything. Even if my emotions were real, I wasn’t going to put them on the line.

“We’re not saying you should pretend to date, we’re just saying make it an effort to be seen together a bit more,” Johnny said slowly, as if saying a different way was going to make me change my mind. “Ultimately, what we want you two to do is record a song together and release it as promo for your tour. If people back your…friendship then they’d want to buy the single and attend your concerts to see it played live, should it be a hit. Which I’m betting it will once we get Max and Denniz to agree to produce it.”

“So what’s the point in bringing us here if we don’t even really have a say in it at all?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. “I mean, you’re just going to make us do it anyway, right?”

“We thought you’d be somewhat happy about it,” Lou replied. I wanted to ram the heel of my palm up his nose.

“Happy about lying?” I questioned. “Weren’t we taught that it’s a sin to lie or something? But you’re perfectly fine with pulling the wool over people’s eyes.”

“All we’re asking you two to do is record a song together, really,” Liam explained. “That’s it. No strings attached.”

I scoffed.  “Famous last words.”

April 7th, 1998
Paris, France

As the tour went by it would be easy to say that I felt into a sort of groove and got used to the hectic pace but it was a whirlwind. One night would be spent sleeping on the tour bus to get to the next city and another night we’d be on a red eye to the next country. In between we’d stop to do in-store appearances, go to radio stations, TV shows, do phone interviews, all that jazz. Only rarely were we able to see the sights.

The tour life was starting to take its toll on us all, emotionally and physically. Half of my band was sick and had teapot spouts basically shoved up their noses.  AJ had gotten his foot run over when we tried to leave a venue so the Boys had to do the show without him a couple of nights. Aaron’s mood was slowly deteriorating from being on the road so long; I think it finally hit him that it wasn’t about “fun” more than it was about working now.

I hit that “low” about a week ago. I couldn’t get to sleep; the gentle rocking of my tour bus didn’t even help. I tried reading and watching TV when I suddenly started bawling for no reason. Full on waterworks and I just couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. Aunt Abbey and the rest of the band stayed awake with me to try and get me to calm down. I guess I hit rock bottom from a combination of a lack of proper sleep, being on the go constantly, and not giving my body time to rest.

But something about being in France rejuvenated my spirits and this was the highest I’ve felt since I’ve joined the tour. I woke up with a smile on my face because I was so excited. Not only was I in a country where I could speak the language for once but my grandfather was from here and I finally got to see the place where he grew up. I’ve always wanted to come to France to learn more about my father’s side of the family and now I have the perfect opportunity.

“Whoa, good morning Sunshine. Who turned up the watts in your smile?” Gabe asked as I shuffled to the front of my tour bus.

“Yeah, you look like someone just told you it was your birthday,” Lyric agreed while dumping an unnecessarily large amount of sugar into her cereal.

Codie suddenly gasped and put down the newspaper she had been reading. “Did Mandy leave?” She asked in a stage whisper.

“Codes, she’s on the other bus. She can’t hear you,” I laughed but I knew her whispering was because she doesn’t speak ill of anyone. I envy her for that ability and I admire her for it as well. “But no, it doesn’t have to do with her. I’m just so happy and excited I’m finally in France! France, guys! Do you know how long I’ve wanted to come here?”

“Since you came out of the womb waving a Canadian flag?” Gabe joked. I moved to smack at his arm but he brought his foot off to keep me at bay. “I’m just teasing you, Charlie. I have to say this is a nice change of pace from the constant mood you’ve been in before,” he noted and held out a bowl of cereal for me. I took it and sat down on the couch that was across from the “kitchen” are of the bus, which wasn’t really much, just a table in front of a short piece of wood that was supposed to be a counter which was sandwiched between cabinets.

“It’s the Xanax,” I replied taking a bite of my Trix cereal and smiling at the strong taste of it. “I’ve never felt so relaxed in my life despite having so much to do today.”

“What do you have planned today?” Codie asked, pinching a piece of toast and popping it into her mouth. I can’t fathom why she won’t eat it like a normal person.

“Recording for most of the day,” I replied. “Johnny and Liam got Denniz and Max to fly out here for Nick and I to work on that track they want us to record together. The want it out as soon as possible and this was the soonest we could get those two out here.” I sighed. “Figures, I get a day off and I have to do work.”

“Sometimes it’s so obvious when you do things for the first time,” Gabe said in a condescending tone. I stuck my tongue out at him and rolled my eyes. “Are you going to be in the studio all day?”

“Think so. Maybe get a jump start on ideas for my full length album.”

“Are you going to be okay with that?” He asked. At my look on confusion he continued. “Being stuck in the studio with Nick all day, I mean. I know you have a thing for him and I don’t want you to be distracted or make a rash decision.”

I sighed and handed my bowl of cereal over to Abbey who had been pretending not to pay attention. I wasn’t in the mood to eat much anymore. “Look, it’s just a crush. I’m not going to do something stupid because I like his face.”

“Say that now,” Sevvie said with a shrug. “I’ve seen girls completely change who they are because they like a guy.”

“And do you really think that I could be in danger of doing that?” I asked, lifting my eyebrows.

“No, you seem to be pretty confident in yourself. Just…be careful. He has a girlfriend, remember?”

“Like I could really forget about that,” I grumbled. ‘Cause she’s so freakin’ perfect with her perfect hair and her perfect teeth and her perfect smile and her perfect 5’6” body with the right curves in the right places. My anger rose just from thinking about her. I still didn’t understand why he didn’t break up with her. I like to think that I’m better than her. True, I do make fun of people and tease them to no end but I never mean any harm by it. But her, her words are very precise and are meant to be used to hurt other people, even Nick sometimes, and he didn’t deserve that. No one did.

“I think what they’re trying to tell you is to be sure to listen to your head more than your heart, okay sweetie?” Abbey told me.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” I sighed, getting to my feet. “I’m going to change now.” It’s become sort of a habit now to tell them what I was doing before I did it, but only on a need to know basis so they wouldn’t freak out and think I was going to harm myself. Well, more than I already have, but they don’t know about the cutting. I’ve done a good job of distracting myself so I wouldn’t self-harm again but It was getting harder as the days went on and I was scared I’d suffer a breakdown soon. However the fear of having JC or Justin or the others disappointed in me helped me so far.

It was kind of strange, how I was more worried about JC and Justin being disappointed in me than my parents being disappointed in me. I cared about their opinions more than others, even if Justin and I weren’t on good terms right now.

I shuffled to the back of the bus where my bed was located and closed the door. Usually the back was a sort of back lounge but for me it was my bus. Everyone else slept in bunks, which I actually prefer, and the front part of the bus was a bit larger than usual to make up for the fact that there was no official back lounge. We hang out in my room a lot, though, to watch TV and play some video games and to talk. It was my favorite place on the bus.

Butterflies decorated the ceiling in glitter paint as well as glow in the dark stars. Every inch of wall space, especially the one right above my pillows was covered with pictures of my friends and I. Me and my guys, me and the Backstreet Boys, with Trace and Rachel, my horse Blubelle, my family, and Heather. I loved this bus. If I could live here I would, but I’d miss my home and friends too much.

I flipped open the top of my suitcase and stared down at the mess. It was organized when the tour started but, whenever we went to different cities, I’d just shove everything back in it and go along my merry way. Sighing, I sat down on the floor and started digging through it to find something that would fit the mood I was in. I had the shoes and the pants ready and I was digging for a shirt when my fingers brushed against something cold and flat.

I pulled it out and studied it for a couple of seconds, feeling my heart squeeze once I recognized the picture. It was one that I had failed to put up because it hurt me too much to look at it. It was of Justin and I when we were younger. Our arms were wrapped around each other’s shoulders and we were smiling brightly. The thing that made the picture funny was that there was a giant hole where our front two teeth used to be.

I let out a breath slowly and put the picture down. Why did he want to stop being friends just like that? I still couldn’t figure it out. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? I just couldn’t figure it out. Did our friendship mean so little to him that he didn’t even want to fight for it?

On impulse I grabbed my phone and went to dial his number but I stopped. He wouldn’t answer once he saw my name. I’ll call JC, he’ll answer and I’m sure he can get J to talk to me. I pressed my phone up to my ear and waiting, listening to the gentle hum of the engine as we moved down the street.

“Hello?”

Oops. I probably should’ve checked what time it was there before I called. He sounded tired. “JC, it’s me.”

“Oh, hey Mack. What’s up?”

I closed my eyes briefly, angry at myself for my heart jumping at the sleepy tone he had in his voice. “Did I wake you?” I glanced at my watch while asking this and mentally banged my palm against my forehead. It was about ten here so it must be early in the morning wherever they were.

“No. This was a great wakeup call, even though I don’t need to be up for two more hours,” he replied sarcastically.

I stuck my tongue out at the phone even though he couldn’t see it. “Well aren’t you a bright bag of sunshine?”  I muttered. “Okay, I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“I figure it must be somewhat important if you called at this time of night,” he replied.

“It is. I need you to give the phone to Justin,” I replied, tugging at the loose thread on the bottom of my pajama pants.

“He’s sleeping. Anyway, I heard something about you and Nick? Be careful, would ya.”

“Wait, what? What does that have anything to do with this?”

“Nothing,” JC admitted. “But I’m telling you to be careful, okay? Don’t get in over your head.”

“JC, give Justin the phone,” I growled.

“I can’t do that.”

I felt my shoulders slump. “Why not? Just wake him up and give him the phone. I need to talk to him, it’s important.”

“Okay, I don’t think it’s a good idea then.”

I frowned. “I don’t think you really have a say in it.”

He let out a laugh. “I think I do, it’s my phone. Why’d you call me if you wanted to talk to Justin?”

‘Cause I miss hearing your voice. “Because I knew he wouldn’t answer the phone if I tried to call him directly and he listens to you.”

“About as much as you listen to me.”

“Give him the phone!” I ordered. I wasn’t in the mood to beat around the bush.

“Is this about that e-mail?” He sounded fully awake now. I could practically see him sitting up in bed with one of his I-know-everything-about-you-so-don’t-try-to-hide-it sort of look on his face.

My stomach dropped. “How’d you know about that?” I whispered.

“Joey told me,” he replied. “Look, I think you should just…forget about Justin for now. Focus on yourself and then come back and try to talk to him about everything you want to your heart’s content. I’m begging you, Mack. You need to separate yourself from him. Your attachment is toxic.”

My mouth fell open. “Toxic?” I repeated, my voice turning a little shrill. How dare he? He just didn’t understand. “Toxic?”

“Yes, toxic,” he replied. “On the outside it’s endearing but if others spent as much time as I have watching you in this friendship they’d agree with me and think that it’s toxic as well.”

“That’s just your opinion.”

“It’s an observation,” he corrected me. “I’m telling you, you need your distance from each other. Your friendship is like a yo-yo and I can’t watch it go on. You’ll thank me for this.”

He didn’t get it at all. Our friendship was messed up right now but it wasn’t a…yo-yo. How did he…? “JC,” I said slowly as I tried to piece my thoughts together. “What makes you say–“

“Look, I have to go. I’d really like my two hours of sleep back, okay? Have fun in…Paris is where you’re at today, right?” JC asked.

“Wait, no! JC! Joshua Scott, you better not—“ I yelled into the phone.

“Goodnight or morning in your case.”

Before I could even utter another word the dial tone reached my ear. Angrily I jabbed my thumbnail into the end button and tossed my phone onto the pillows. He basically confirmed my suspicions. Bobbie had to be the one who wrote that e-mail to keep me from going back to their tour. She just had to. Huh, she was going to get an earful from me once I got back.

“Sweetie, hurry and get changed, we’re going to be at the hotel in about ten minutes,” Abbey said as she stuck her head in the doorway.

“Okay, thanks,” I mumbled absentmindedly, digging through my clothes again. Maybe this recording session would do me some good.

“Last I checked this recording session was for us, not for her,” I sighed while holding two playing cards in my hands and held them out to the house I was trying to build. My hands shook while I tried to place it on top. I lightly stuck my tongue out between my lips, as if it were to help my concentration, and gently put them down on top. I quickly withdrew my hand and smiled at the castle that was still standing despite how much I was shaking it.

“She’s just trying to get used to the recording studio and everything,” Liam told me while spinning around in her swivel chair. I could tell by his tone that he was starting to get annoyed. I didn’t blame him. We’ve been here since twelve and it was four and Nick and I still haven’t gotten our recording time in.

“Liam we could’ve been done with the song by now if we got started when we were supposed to,” I pointed out, picking up more cards. “Besides, she’s not that–hey!”

“Oops,” Nick said with a grin. I tried to glare at him from across the small table that I had been sitting near but I couldn’t with that smile on his face. You and Nick are just friends, he has a girlfriend, I told myself while gathering up the cards again. “It was an accident.”

“Yeah, sure,” I muttered, not believing him at all.

“I’ll help you make a new one,” he offered. “We do have the time after all,” he added, tilting his head in the direction of the recording booth. I bit my lip to keep from laughing out loud.

Mandy was taking her sweet ol’ time with this one song, and it was only testing out her voice from a demo. How she got a recording contract is beyond me. Her voice was decent, she wasn’t tone deaf but it could be better. Everyone needs a little work, no matter how good they think they are. For the past couple of days she’s been boasting to anyone who would hear her that she got a recording contract and it’s good to finally see that she’s not impervious to having to do vocal lessons.

“A little too much time if you ask me,” I stated, flipping the cards over. I was a little OCD about stacking cards with the faces facing each other or the backs facing each other, it drove me crazy. “Have you heard the song yet?”

“What? Our song?” Nick asked, looking at me. I had to tear my eyes away from him. The way he said ‘our song’…geeze! I swear God is putting me through some cruel test.

As Lou asked Nick and I put the effort into being seen ‘together’ even though we weren’t together. But, the longer we acted the more I wished it wasn’t an act. I liked how I felt when I was around him. I liked how easy it was for him to make me laugh and smile and basically turn my day around. And it sucked that I couldn’t call him my…’more than a friend’ friend. I did listen to the warnings my friends gave me, the most that I shouldn’t rush but I couldn’t ignore how I felt about him and, sometimes, I swore he felt the same way. It was just too confusing.

“Yeah, “Beautiful Lie”.”

“I think it’s great. I like the lyrics; I just can’t wait to hear the music along with it, y’know?” He asked, concentrating on making his own card pile.

“Yeah. I feel like it’d be a slower song. Not exactly a ballad but—“ I started.

“—It’d have a beat behind it,” he finished my sentence. “I was thinking the same thing.” He wrinkled his nose  a little bit while stacking some cards on top of each other.

“How’s Aaron doing?” I asked, turning my attention back to my castle.

“Still sick,” Nick sighed. “You should see him, he looks awful. We think it’s the flu.”

“Poor Aaron,” I sighed. “Good think we have a day off so he can try and get some rest. It’ll help him feel better faster. I’ll check on him later if he’d like. I know some tricks that help me feel better when I’m sick. I’m sure it’d work on him as well.”

“Thanks. You know the kid loves you. Can’t stop talking about you on a good day,” Nick told me with a peculiar sort of smile.

I gave a half smile as my cheeks warmed and, at the moment, wished that Liam wasn’t in the room. Not that he was paying that close attention to us but with the way he was sitting so stiffly in his chair I could tell he was listening. “Well, that’s good because I love spending time with him,” I finally replied, reaching forward to get another card.

As soon as I had the card in my hand it was enclosed by a larger, warmer one. A jolt of electricity shot up my arm and I forced myself to look up at him. “What about me?” He questioned.

I pulled my hand away and tried to create another tier on my castle but my hands were shaking too much. “What about you?” I asked, managing to keep my voice from shaking as much as my hands were.

“Don’t you like spending time with me?”

Red alert! You’re entering dangerous territory! Abort! ABORT! My mind screamed at me. How do I respond to that? How the fuck do I respond to that? Especially when his girlfriend’s in the other fucking room!

“Let me put it this way, if I didn’t like spending time with you you’d know it,” I said slowly, carefully piecing together my words. “Besides, it’d ruin Johnny’s plan if we didn’t like each other considering we have to pretend to be so close.”

Nick’s mouth twisted to the side. “Well, I do feel close to you, though. I mean, I tell you things that I haven’t even told…”

“Your girlfriend?” I asked, lifting my eyebrows. He pressed his lips together and moved his gaze back to what looked more like a card hut than a house.

Silence filled the room as the feeling of awkwardness settled in as well. The only sound in the room was the random start and stop of a pop song that Mandy was singing along to. “You know…” Nick spoke so suddenly I almost peed my pants. “She’s not really my girlfriend anymore.”

“That’s nice…or bad, depending on how you look at it.” Really, what else was I going to say?

“So, um, do you think—“

“Oh my gosh, Nicky, recording is so much fun!” Mandy gushed as soon as she burst into the room. She basically flung herself at Nick and threw her arms around his neck. In the process she bumped against the table.

“Hey! I worked hard on that!” I cried out when my castle of cards fell down again.

Mandy lifted her eyebrows. “If you feel that a castle of cards is your big accomplishment in life then you should reevaluate it.”

I had hardly even uttered a word when Liam grabbed my upper arm and pulled me to my feet only to then pull me out of the room. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” I told him.

“Really?” he asked, clearly not believing me.

“Welllll.”

“See? It’s your turn to record,” he told me as I quickened my pace to keep up with him. “Look, if you want to get even with her or show her where you stand, do it in the recording studio, okay? Not with your fists, use your voice.”

I paused in the doorway and looked him in the eye. “You have to stop eavesdropping,” I told him.

“It’s not eavesdropping when I’m in the same room and I’m begin hit by your love rays,” he responded. Then he grasped my shoulders, turned me around, and shoved me into the recording booth.

“So it is currently…11:47 at night, hence why I’m wearing this crazy get up,” I said as I pointed my small video camera towards the mirror in the hotel bathroom. I smiled at my reflection and waved before tilting it down to show my pajamas—a Cyndi Lauper concert tee and lounge pants. My black rimmed reading glasses sat on the tip of my nose. “I was in the recording studio all day and all night—which is why my voice sounds like crap right now. Or I’m getting sick, but I hope it’s the first one,” I narrated as I flicked off the light in the bathroom and walked into the hotel room.  “I hate being sick. I don’t know anyone who likes to be sick, but I can’t stand it at all,” I rambled.

“Anyway, I came back to the hotel about an hour ago to read and get ready for bed when I heard a strange sound coming from outside,” I addressed the camera while stepping over my clothes and shoes that are on my half of the room. I turned my camera on Aunt Abbey—hair curlers and all—and said with a grin, “Abbey thought it was a burglar.” She stuck her tongue out at the camera before I rounded it on myself. “A burglar on the fifth floor. The guy must’ve repelled from the roof or something.” I rolled my eyes and turned the camera back around as I approached the door that lead to the hotel’s balcony.

“Anyway, I was reading some magazines when I heard a noise outside so I went to check it out—are you ready for this? Y’sure? Are you sure you’re ready to see this?” I joked around as I turned the camera back on myself. Turning the camera back around I unhooked the latch on the door and opened it. “Now, if you look across the street you’ll see a closed bakery with an apartment on top,” I continued as I stepped onto the balcony, regretting it a few seconds later as the wintery wind pushed and pulled my clothes around. “However, if you look down…”

I stepped up to the railing and tilted the camera down to look over the edge. Almost instantly the group of fans that had gathered down on the street below exploded in cheers and screams. Flashes went off randomly while I lifted my free hand to wave at them. “According to Abbey they’ve been standing out there in the cold for three hours to get a glimpse of me,” I continued talking into the camera though I couldn’t hear myself that much well with the screams. “Crazy stuff, I tell you. This stuff….I still can’t wrap my head around it. They wait hours for me outside in the cold to see me randomly at the hotel. They wait hours for me at a signing to shake their hand or give them a hug. I couldn’t even—still can’t—imagine anything I do touching others’ lives.”

Talking to the camera feels like talking to Mom and Dad or my friends. It’s who my videos are for but it felt more personal this way. I felt strange talking to the camera at first but after a few times it got easier; it’s like I had my own video diary. “Hey Abbey, can we do something for them?” I asked, turning back to look at her, motioning to the crowd with my free hand. ‘”They’ve been standing out there all night.”

“You don’t suggest going out there, do you?” She asked. I can hear the worry in her voice. “I know you want to sign autographs and things but it’s dangerous. We could get kicked out of the hotel for a noise complaint or something.”

“No, no, I mean, get some of the hotel people to give them hot chocolate or something,” I replied, stepping onto the edge of her bed and then knelt on the edge of it. “It’s only about forty people. I’ll pay for it. I don’t want them getting frostbite.” I tugged at a loose thread on my pajama pants. “Please, Auntie, please?” I asked, sticking out my lower lip and reverting back to my childhood name for her. “I won’t be able to sleep knowing they’re out there slowly freezing to death. I don’t want to be responsible for that. Do you know how that would weigh on my conscience?”

“You’re overreacting,” Aunt Abbey said with a roll of her eyes. I kept the pout on my face until, with a half smile; she reached over to the phone and called room service.

I smiled in return and bounced off the bed, rushing over to the door that separated my room from Brian’s and Nick’s room. I knocked on the door before poking my head in. “You guys busy?” I asked as I took a quick look around at the floor. I don’t know why I’m so surprised to see a bunch of video games, clothes, shoes, and food wrappers laying all over the floor.

“Kind of,” they replied in unison, not taking their eyes off of the TV screen that displayed Mario Kart 64. They’re so transfixed in the game that they didn’t blink. It’s as if they’re afraid they’d mess up by the brief contact of their eyelids. I shook my head. Watching guys play video games is amusing sometimes.

“Ha! I win…again,” Nick cheered while tossing down his controller. Brian grumbled something under his breath while putting his controller down as well. “Were you saying something?” He asked while looking up at me.

If I wasn’t leaning against the doorway my knees would’ve gave way right from underneath me. Crushes are dangerous things, I tell you. “Yeah,” I replied, slightly annoyed that I had been ignored. I had to remember to get them to cut back on their gaming time. “There are about forty fans outside the hotel. Abbey and I ordered hot chocolate for them. Do you want to help deliver it to them?”

“Sure, I’ll go get the others,” Brian said as he stood.

I wanted to yell at Brian to stay in the room and for Nick to go get the others but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want them to think that I couldn’t be in a room with him when I couldn’t. After being at the studio the air felt weird between us, I’m surprised the others haven’t noticed. Well, if they did they’re doing a good job of hiding it. When Nick or I weren’t recording an awkward silence stretched between us that made me want to ram my head through the wall. Mandy seemed to take great enjoyment in us not talking to each other so suddenly because she amped up her annoying habits. Annoying to me at least, I’m sure some others would think of her antics as cute though.

When it finally occurred to me that Nick wasn’t going to say anything else I turned, closed the door, and went back into my room to put on some warmer clothes. I couldn’t understand it, did he like me or not? I only wanted a straight up answer, is that so hard? Being a Backstreet Boy I guess it was, it came with so many stipulations and rules and regulations I’d quit if I was them. But they loved music too much to do that.

I blinked when I felt the rapping of a fist on the side of my head. “Hello, Earth to Mackenzie,” Abbey called, an amused smile sat on her lips. She lowered her arm and shook her head. “Just like my brother, you get so far into your thoughts I’m sure you’d walk into an open manhole if you aren’t paying attention.”

Ridding my head of earlier thoughts I gave her a half smile and a shrug. “I feel safer in my thoughts sometimes,” I replied, slipping into my leather jacket and adjusting the hood. “I can’t judge myself for my thoughts and no one else can either.” I shove my feet into my shoes and pause to think how ridiculous I look with a leather jacket and lounge pants. I quickly tugged off my shoes and wiggled out of my pajama pants and pulled on some jeans.

“You know people are going to judge you no matter what,” Abbey said as she pulled on her own coat. “You shouldn’t be scared of other people.”

I scoffed. Oh, if only she knew… I paused while zipping up my jacket as my thoughts started to wander, Maybe I should tell her. I should tell someone. What can Lou do? He has to be bluffing about screwing things over with the guys. They’re one of his best acts. He wouldn’t dare risk them. I reached down to tie my shoes again and then clapped as I stood. “Okay, I’m ready to go. You got the video camera?”

She picked it up from the bed where I had tossed it and wiggled it around in a “ta-dah!” motion. With a little nod I lead her out of the hotel room. We waited around for a few minutes before the guys came out of the hotel room, then we took an elevator down to the lobby where we met up with room service people who are holding trays of hot chocolate.

“Okay men,” AJ said in a lower octave as he clasped his hands together. “It’s going to get ugly out there. There’s going to be grabbing. There’s going to be screaming. There’s going to be some crying. The important thing is to make sure of one thing…that they don’t latch on!” I covered my mouth to keep from laughing out loud at how serious he’s being about the whole thing. “We have Todd and Eric and the hotel staff but that’s it.”

“The important thing is we have to make sure they keep calm,” Kevin agreed and then he turned to me. “You can translate for us. Tell them that we’ll stay out and sign things if they’re patient and don’t cause a scene.”

“No problem,” I replied with a smile and then turned to Abbey, who stood by with a worried expression on her face. “Relax. The fans are pretty good whenever I talk to them. I think it’ll be better since I speak their language.” I motioned for my bodyguards to follow us out of the hotel and into the cold Paris air and a wall of screaming fans. Aaron started bouncing around excitedly because of all of the attention he got from some of the girls. I smiled at the sight. The little boy is going to be a heartbreaker when he gets older.

I surveyed the amount of fans. As I expected a good chunk of them started crying once we came outside and the large circle started to press in on us but a couple of their bodyguards made sure they kept the fans at a respectable distance. I beckoned Todd over to me. He placed his hands on my waist and easily lifted me up onto his shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said as loud as possible to be heard over the noise. It took a few rounds of shushes for the fans to quiet down. “Thank you. I want to thank you all for showing your support for us. As a token of our appreciation we have hot chocolate for you all,” I said in French while balancing myself on Todd’s wide shoulder. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the red light of Abbey’s camera as she took everything in. “Now, I promise we all will sign everything you’d like us to sign but the only way we can do that is if you all remain calm. Alright? If you do that for us, we’ll sign stuff for you. Thank you for your time.”

I laughed as Todd slipped me off of his shoulder, held me bridal style for a split second, and then put me down on the ground. For the next half hour we went around to each fan and shook their shaking hands, signed an autograph, took pictures, gave hugs, wiped tears, and accepted presents while taking in the kind words they were saying about how we inspired them or made their lives more bearable.

We stayed until the last fan had their time with us and had been given hot chocolate. I knew I’d probably get an earful from Liam, it being my idea. It’ll come. It’s inevitable but no matter what he would say it wouldn’t ever take away the feeling that nestled in every recess of my heart and warmed me right up.

“Did you hear what one of the fans said?” I whispered to my aunt as I looped my arm through hers and leaned against her side.

“No, what’d they say?” She asked, her voice and eyes filled with curiosity.

“I was talking to this one fan, asking her if she liked the shows and such, and she told me—can you believe this?—she told me that I’m inspiring her to learn to speak English. She wasn’t planning on it before but she said she wants to learn English so she can sing along and to understand them better,” I whispered, as if saying it louder would tarnish the special meaning.

“Y’see? You’re slowly changing the world, one person at a time,” Abbey said and then kissed the top of my head. “Just like we always believed you would.”

One person at a time…

Well, it’s a start.

April 8th, 1998
Paris, France

“C’mon! Please? Please?”

I lowered the microphone that sat by my mouth and reached behind me to unhook the wire that attached to the battery pack. I had a little bit of difficulty reaching it so I yanked the whole pack out of my back pocket and disconnected the microphone wire myself and then handed them off to a stage hand that I passed. Once the contraption was out of my hands I hurried to catch up to Liam who walked at a fast pace and somehow managed to dodge all of the stage hands that are currently setting everything up backstage for tonight’s show.

“Liam, please. I need a little break,” I said as I finally reached his side and matched his pace, now walking in the direction of the catering room that was set up for us to have a place to eat dinner before the show. We were told we wouldn’t have time to go out to eat, that we have a few interviews scheduled before the shows tonight. Like we needed our schedules to be more jam packed. “I’m dying!”

“I understand that,” Liam said as he looked at me. “But I can’t have you go who knows where and not do anything for ten days. It’s not possible.”

“Why not?” I asked. I knew I sounded like I’m whining but I needed the break. I’m starting to go crazy with this schedule. On my bad days I snapped at everyone and I felt so drained that I didn’t want to get out of bed in most cases, I only wanted to sleep.

“Because,” Liam replied. I rolled my eyes. I hated that as an answer. He held open the door for me and I walked into my dressing room and sat down in a chair. Abbey immediately got started on straightening my hair. “Because,” he repeated as soon as the door closed. “This tour ends for you soon.”

“I thought I’m with them until June,” I said in confusion. “I’ve only been on tour with them for about a month.”

“You were going to be with them until June. Your break is between April 15th—right after the show in Portugal—and ends on the 23rd where you’ll continue the tour in Orlando. You’ll tour with them as their opening act in America but only until the first two weeks in May then you’re going to start your own American promo tour. It’s why we’re pushing up the release of your second single, to go with the tour before it ends as well as releasing Beautiful Lie on airwaves,” Liam replied.

“Don’t you think that’s a bit of overkill?” Abbey asked while running a comb through the back of my hair before holding the rest of my hair up with a clip.

“On a normal basis, yes, but the fan’s demand for her is making her sales surge,” Liam replied with a proud smile. “Speaking of which, I have a proposition for you.” The smile on his face got a bit wider, if it’s possible. He looked like a jack-o-lantern, minus the candle on his tongue.

“Well, lay it on me,” I said as I crossed one leg over the other.

“Guess which R&B/hip hop girl group, who hasn’t released an album since 1994, got back into the studio and is now compiling a list of choreographers they’d want to work with?” Liam said slowly, while watching my reaction.

I let out a breath and turned my eyes to the ceiling as I started to think. “A girl group…1994…R&B….” I gasp and turn my eyes to him. No way! He can’t be talking about who I’m thinking of! “No!” I practically shouted. “Liam, you better not be joking!”

“I’m not, I’m not,” he laughed while holding out his hands. That’s good thinking on his part, I have a habit of flailing my arms and legs when I’m excited about something and if anyone is within striking distance they would get it.

“What? What? What’s going on?” Abbey asked.

“TLC’s recording a new album,” I reply, kicking my legs up in down while squirming in my seat. “And there’s a chance that I can choreograph one of their songs! Do you know what that means? It means I could be one step closer to becoming one of the top choreographers in the world! It’s TLC for crying out loud! T! L! C!”

“I can spell, thanks,” Abbey laughs and returns to straightening my hair. “That’s exciting news.”

“That’s beyond exciting news!” I correct her.

“Mmm, so I probably shouldn’t give you the less exciting news yet,” Liam said apprehensively while clicking his tongue.

“You can tell me anything. This smile won’t come off of my face anytime soon,” I tell him while pointing at my face.

“Johnny and I are scheduling your American promo tour to coincide with *NSYNC’s,” he replied. “So, in a way, it’s a joint promo tour. However you’re going to do a bit more appearances having been gone from the US for a while.”

I admit my smile faded a little bit at his words but not completely. As soon as it sunk in that my stint as the Boys opening act would be cut short I had an inkling that this was where he was headed. I sigh while looking down at my lap. Am I ready to see them so soon? I knew it’s only a matter of time until I had to face Justin and talk out our situation but I didn’t even know where to start, how to start talking about how hurt I am and how lost I felt because of him. This is a part of your job, you have to do it, I tell myself.

“Yeah, okay,” I reply with a nod and a small smile. “Sounds good to be able to be home again.”

“Speaking of which, what are you going to do on your break?” Abbey asked. “Are you going to go home to Memphis? Orlando? Or travel around with the boys until your promo tour starts?”

“Knowing Liam he has the answer to that already,” I said dryly. I close my eyes and begin to calculate everything. “Todays’ the 8th so we have…a week left in Europe. Starting on the 15th I have about ten days for a break. On the 23rd I’ll be back on tour, starting in Orlando, until, roughly, the 14th of May?” I asked.

“Exactly,” Liam replied, nodding enthusiastically. “See? It’s not so bad when you say it out loud.”

“Yes, but what do I have to do during my break?” I asked.

“As soon as you hit your break you’ll fly up to Canada to join the *NSYNC guys on their promo tour. I’ve booked you for three different performances and a couple of radio interviews. Two of the performances are acoustic, one is full set for some festival—“

“I know which one you’re talking about,” I interrupted him. “So I’ll be in Canada the entire break?”

“Yes.”

“We can visit Mémé and Pépé and we can see my cousins,” I told Abbey. I could already see the tears in her eyes from the idea of seeing her children again. She hasn’t been away from them for this long before.

“Yes, and a good chunk of your shows in May are in Orlando so you can stay with your father for that time instead of having to go to a hotel,” Liam finished, quickly taking a look at his palmpilot. He nodded to emphasize what he had stated. “I think that’s everything. I need to book tickets and tell Johnny that you’re on board with the plan.”

“When you do that, do you mind…not telling the others that I’m coming?” I ask while tugging at a thread on the hem of my shirt. “I kind of want it to be a surprise.” I give a little shrug. “They’re having their first live MTV performance in New York and I’m hoping to surprise them there,” I continue, recalling the information that Lance told me through his recent email.

Liam nodded. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. You have an interview with a teen magazine in about ten minute. Don’t forget to grab something to eat,” Liam said before turning around to leave the room.

“Easy for him to say. He can eat whenever he wants to. I’m stuck eating crap like granola bars,” I grumbled before swatting away a cloud of hair spray that swarmed around my head.

“Finished,” Abbey announced. Putting the hair spray can down on the counter. She paused to run her fingers through my hair and then placed her hands on her hips. “So what do you think’s going to happen when you see the guys again?”

“I think…it’s going to be a little awkward,” I replied after thinking about it. “But I think Justin and I can talk through it. I’m not ready to give up on this friendship. I hope he isn’t either.”

“I don’t think he is,” Abbey said while rummaging around in the makeup case. She stood up with four lipstick-like tubes in her hand. “You’ll see, everything will work out fine.”

I made a scoffing sound. “Yes, right after life decides to put me through the wringer.”

“Well, life’s going to have to find someone else to pick on,” she replied and then held the tubes in front of my face. “Eye shadow—which do you want, purple, gold, silver, or black?”

“Hmmm…let’s go with purple,” I reply and start kicking my legs again. I hum and begin my vocal warm-ups. They helped whenever I’m to do an interview. If I didn’t do them my voice would be raspy and it’d make the show suck. Suddenly the door swung open and Aaron, the little ball of energy that he is, catapulted himself at me for a hug. “Ah. I see someone’s over their cold,” I commented while ruffling his hair.

He nodded rapidly. “Yup, I’m feeling much better! I can tell—Mom’s been taking a bit more aspirin lately,” he explained with a laugh. He rested his chin on my shoulder as Abbey lowered my left eyelid and applied the eye shadow. “What’re you doing?”

“Putting on makeup,” I replied, swiveling my right eye to look at him. “It’s so my face doesn’t wash out under the lights and to enhance my beauty—or whatever junk they put on the packages nowadays.”

“You don’t need that stuff, you’re fine without it,” Aaron stated.

“Awww,” I cooed while laughing. “You’re going to make a girl happy some day, saying things like that.”

Aaron wrinkled his nose. “Ew,” he muttered. “I don’t want a girlfriend. Girls have cooties!”

“You’re ten and you still think that?” I laughed. As soon as Abbey pulled the eye shadow away from my eye I reached out to him, making growling sounds. “Watch out! I’m going to kiss you and then you’ll have cooties!”

“Nooooo!” Aaron screamed and tore out of the room.

I chased after him, making sure to thank Abbey over my shoulder before I left the room completely. The little kid is fast. I had to lengthen my stride a little to adjust to his speed. When I finally caught him I swung him around and planted a loud kiss on his cheek.

“Ha ha! Now you’re infected!” I cheer as he squirms out of my grip. “Too late, it can’t be reversed!” I tell him as he frantically wipes his cheek, although a large smile is on his face. “Okay, Aaron, we can hang out later. Right now I have an interview I need to do and then I have to warm up for tonight’s show. Go find your mother and please eat something healthy!”

“You sound like BJ,” Aaron points out with an eye roll to accompany his words.

“BJ’s a smart girl,” I said with a wink and a wave. I began to snap and whistle to fill the strange silence. The backstage area of venues isn’t usually this quiet. I switched from whistling to clicking my tongue. Have the halls always been this long? Where’s a security cart when I need one? I wondered as I looked around at the cement hallway that had me surrounded.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up before I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder. My heart immediately bat itself around in my chest and a chill ran down my spine. I swallowed thickly and dropped my shoulder so the hand fell off.

“Lou,” I uttered. My skin started to crawl at the mere sight of him. It didn’t help that he had a strange smile on his face while clutching a magazine tightly in his hands. I backed away until I felt the cool wall against my back. How’m I so stupid to let myself get caught? “What do you want?” I had about a million guesses.

“I wanted to show you this,” he replied, turning the magazine around to show me what’s on the cover. I cringed when I saw the picture on the front. It was when the guys, Aaron, and I had spent one of our days off in the park. However the European paparazzi got a picture of us and twisted it to make it seem like we had been on a date.

“What about it?” I asked, glancing down to look at my watch. Liam had to come looking for me soon. He could get me out of this.

A smirk spread across his lips. “Seems to me that there’s something more going on here,” he replied, his smirk getting wider.

I could feel the contents in my stomach turning over at his smile. “You’re mistaken,” I replied firmly.

“Am I?”

“Yes, and I’m not going to play this game for you. Not anymore. I don’t care what you do.” I took in a shaky deep breath and looked him in the eye. You can do this, you can do this. “I’m not scared of you. I won’t let you control me any longer. I don’t care what you to do my friends, what you’re doing to me…it’s wrong! And I won’t let you do it anymore.”

The smile slipped off of Lou’s face and his eyes hardened from behind his transition glasses. “So you want to be responsible for the end of your friends?”

“You won’t do anything to them,” I called his bluff, hearing my voice strengthen with each added word. I clenched my hands into fists for they were shaking. “They’re too valuable to you. If you let them go you’ll have nothing! I know there are others…some parents even know about this, I’m sure. You won’t win, Mr. Pearlman. Even if it takes me to my last breath, you won’t win.”

“We’ll see about that, won’t we?” He challenged me. “Remember, you’re a little speck. You’re nothing. I, however, have power and I won’t hesitate to use that against you.” He gave a fake shrug. “Maybe I could use your boyfriend to teach you a lesson.”

“Nick’s not my boyfriend and leave him out of this,” I hissed.

Lou laughed. “It’s funny how much you care about him; I should’ve known that my plan would work out better than staged outings. It’s also amazing how much one can learn about someone else by being vague with my wording.”

Dammit! I screamed in my mind. How could I’ve been so stupid? I should’ve seen that ploy coming from a mile away! I gulped and tried to keep my breath steady but I wanted to scream out in frustration and in fear.

“Leave him alone,” I ordered.

“You don’t call the shots around here, I do and you’d be wise not to tempt me.”

“There you are!” Liam said as he burst around the corner. “The interviewer is here, ready for you to arrive. I understand that whatever it is you’re talking to Mr. Pearlman about is important but so are your priorities.”

“Liam—“ I started.

“You can talk to him later,” Liam said as he gripped my upper arm and started to walk with me down the hall. “The interview should last about twenty minutes; I’ll be hanging around backstage to make sure it doesn’t go over. The interviewer speaks both English and French so it doesn’t matter which one you use.”

I clamp my mouth shut, knowing full well that I wouldn’t be able to get a word in edge wise. I bit my lip hard enough to punish myself but not enough to draw blood. Who knows what Lou would do now that I’ve stood up to him? I know I’m right about him not dropping my guys, they earned him a lot of money and a smart person wouldn’t break off that sort of income. But what could he do? What?

I almost walked past the interviewer because of my muddled brain. We sat down in the chairs and we began speaking about which part of Canada I’m from and if this is my first time to France. It’s amazing how fast French people can tell which part of France you’re from because of the different dialects in their language. I’m amazed that she could tell I’m from Canada simply by the way I pronounced some words differently. After speaking on that for a few minutes we got down to business and I answered the same ol’ reporter questions: how old I am, where I’m from, what do I like to do when I’m not performing, my writing process, how long I’ve been dancing, how the tour is going, all the boring questions.

I wish interviewers would ask different questions instead of asking the same one over and over again. Then I actually have to put in the effort of making my answer a little bit different than the last one. I wish one would ask me something like…where do I like to shop or who’s voice would I like to have if given the chance or something interesting!

“And your fans?”

I blinked. Oops. Probably shouldn’t have zoned out. “Sorry? Repeat what you said, please?” I asked, giving a polite smile.

“And your fans? How do you feel about them?” The reporter repeated.

I smiled and pushed my hair out of my face. I paused to collect my thoughts and to make sure I said everything I want to say in the right way to get my point across. “My fans mean…the world to me. I’m just a kid from Memphis, Tennessee and the fact that I’m out here doing this and they support me means a lot. I love…that I can talk to them through my songs. I have to admit that I didn’t want to do this at first—singing I mean—but the fact that I can use my songs to talk to my fans about anything I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about is great. The fact that they relate to it is amazing.”

I stopped to blink back the swell of tears that wanted to spill from my eyes. I always ended up crying whenever I took the time to think about my fans. Taking a deep breath, I cleared my throat and continued. “They’re energetic and wonderful and empowering and encouraging and I couldn’t ask for better fans. I can never explain to them how grateful for them I am. I…I can’t understand the fact that I can go onstage for an hour and sign as many autographs as I can and they wait and they’re okay with that. They wait…hours, fly from different countries even and wait all day to talk to me. I’m not that special. I’m no…Madonna or anything but they wait. And doing what I do is good enough for them? I don’t feel like it’s enough, but it is, and that feeling…it’s amazing.”

“Stop it!” I tried to sound angry but the laughter diffused my words as I placed my hand over the lens of Gabe’s camera—well, my camera that Gabe stole—and lowered it from his face. “Stop taking pictures of me.”

“The only pictures I have are of the sights around here. I need some pictures of you to have variety,” he explained, the cool wind pushing his hair out of his face. “Act like I’m not here.”

“That’s impossible,” I teased, tugging my jacket tighter around myself.

As soon as the show ended the Backstreet Boys, Aaron, my aunt, some people from the tour, and I went straight to the Seine river to take some time to relax before we got on our busses and get shipped off to Spain for our next five shows.

I moved through the show in autopilot, which isn’t that hard once you’ve moved through the routine day after day. I could tell that Liam knew something was off with me but how do I bring up the fact that someone he seemed to hold on a high pedestal that he’s a disgusting, sleazebaggy asshole.

On a normal day I’d be acting crazy and stupid like the rest of them, running around the man-made beach but I’m not in the mood anymore. Not knowing that…Big Brother was out there waiting to do who knows what to my boys.

I looked at my cell phone in my hands. My thumbs hovered over the different buttons that I had assigned to their numbers on speed dial. I wanted to call them so badly, I didn’t care which one, and just…let everything out. Tell them about Lou and think of what to do to get him exposed. More than anything I wanted to get the feeling back that I knew they would always be there for me, they had my back, and they’d always be there to protect me.

If only pride wasn’t so damn big.

A sudden jolt to my side almost made me drop my phone over the railing and into the river. “Are you crazy? I could’ve dropped this!” I snapped, clutching it close to my chest.

“Sorry, you just seemed to engrossed in your phone. We’re out here to have fun, not be around technology,” Nick replied.

 I crossed my arms over my chest and lifted my eyebrows. I wanted to say something to him but I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? Everyone around us could see that I was upset with his behavior but I couldn’t just tell that to him.

“What?” he finally asked.

“Now you talk to me? Now you decide to stop ignoring me and actually acknowledge my existence?” I demanded. “To what do I owe this pleasure, Mr. Carter? Hmm?” I asked, laying the sarcasm on thick. “Did you girlfriend happen to walk off the face of the Earth? Did she pull of that mask she calls a face? Or is it just convenient for you because she’s not here?” I clasped my hands together in mock excitement. “But I should be happy that Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy is actually giving me the time of day. I think I’m going to positively faint with excitement.”

Okay, so I’m acting like a bitch, but who wouldn’t if they were in my shoes? I’m tired of playing the “does he, doesn’t he” game with Nick. I always knew boys were weird and downright annoying but this was ridiculous! I’m getting dizzy running around in circles like this so the buck stops here!

I gathered my hair into a ponytail and then let it drop over my shoulders. “Look,” I began after a long sigh. “I don’t know…what’s going on in your head or with you and Mandy or anything but…” I hesitated. I could feel butterflies with large wings flapping around in my stomach and, for a moment, they stopped me from saying what I wanted to say but I managed to get over it. “I…I like you. A lot. Hell, probably a lot more than I should but I can’t help that. But I’m tired of trying to figure out if you like me or not. I’m tired of staying up late at night practically dissecting everything you say to me to see if it was a sort of sign that you feel the same way. I’m just…tired of it all. I’m sure you heard by now that when our break arrives I’m going to be with my guys and…until then I want you to figure out whatever the heck’s going on between you and Mandy or you and me. I’m not going to be in between you guys, I’m not going to be that girl. So…until you know what this is about…” I pointed between Nick and I “…I think we need to back off our friendship for a bit.”

Nick, who hadn’t said a word the entire time I was talking, looked at me. For once I couldn’t read the look on his face; it’s as if he made sure to wipe every single ounce of emotion off of his face. “If…if you’re sure about this,” he said slowly, his voice slightly raspy.

“I’m sure,” I said firmly and crossed my arms over my chest.

Not only to keep the heat underneath my jacket in but also to physically restrain myself so I wouldn’t change my mind.

April 15th 1998
New York, New York

I felt a steady pressure on my shoulder that pulled me out of my dreamless sleep. I blinked open my eyes and let out a little yawn before tilting my head up to see who’s arm the hand was attached to. I looked up into the eerily perky face of the smiling flight attendant.

“We’re about to land. Please put your seat in an upright position,” the flight attendant told me, the smile never leaving her face.

I nodded a little and adjusted the seatback of my chair and moved it into an upright position. I folded the blanket that I had been using to sleep and yawned. Next to me Lyric and Codie were gathering their things up as well. The flight was a bit longer than I expected, or maybe it was because of how early we had to leave the hotel to get to our flight.

“Is it just me or did that flight attendant look a little…?” Lyric pointed her finger at her head and spun it in a circle while whistling. “I mean, that smile? That was so freaky! Does she not know how to frown?”

“It’s called Botox, Lyr, it freezes your face,” Codie replied. She then grabbed the corners of her mouth and pulled them back, imitating the vast amount of women who get Botox. Lyric and I started cracking up and it helped unravel the knot of nerves that had coiled tightly in my stomach as soon as we got on the flight for New York. Knowing that I was going to be in the same country, state, city…vicinity as my guys left me as nervous as I am before shows. I would’ve had a little panic attack if Gabe and Abbey weren’t there to calm me down but now I only had half of the support system.

Since we would be going to Canada after New York I convinced Abbey to go to Montreal to see her kids and I’d stick with the guys the entire time. Not that I really wanted to but I knew she was missing her kids, my cousins, a lot and I wanted to give her as much time with them as possible before she had to leave again.

However, now that we’re getting closer to New York I’m freaking out and wished she was still here to act as a buffer. As soon as we landed we’d meet up with Johnny and while the others went to the hotel I’d go straight to MTV studios to watch the guys perform. I wonder how much they’ve changed since I’ve been gone…

I shook my head and stopped my thoughts right there. Thinking about them wouldn’t make this easier for me. I sat up straighter in my seat and looked out the window, watching as the buildings steadily got closer and closer because of our decent. I took in a breath and let it out slowly, counting to ten in my head to slow down my racing heart. This is ridiculous! I’m nervous over nothing!

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, there was the unmistakable bump of the wheels hitting the runway. We finally made it. Emphasis on the finally part. I was about ready to jump out of the dang airplane if we had to fly much longer.

“So, are we going to the hotel or…?” Gabe asked as he leaned over the back of my seat while waiting for the other passengers to get off the plane before us.

“You guys can if you want,” I replied. “I’m cutting it close to catching the guys on MTV. I think I’m just going to take a taxi right into the city with Johnny if you don’t mind taking my stuff.”

“You sure you don’t want us there? Y’know, for support and stuff?” Sevvie asked. “’Cause we’re here for you, say the word. We’re not just your band; we’re your support team.”

I let out a soft laugh. “I’ll be fine, but thanks for the support guys.” I’ll be fine. Those three words are so easy to say but hard to believe sometimes. Maybe if I repeat it to myself long enough it’ll cement in my mind and become real. They’re just a bunch of boys, nothing to be worried about.

Finally, with a little bump, we touched down in New York. I stretched my arms over my head and let out a long yawn before settling back in my seat and waiting for the other passengers on the flight to get their things and leave. The anxious part of me wanted to bulldoze everyone in sight out of my way so I could get off the metal tube but I stayed where I was and waited patiently. Well, as patiently as a girl can when she’s known for not being patient at all.

Finally we got off the plane and walked straight into the busy airport. I barely had time to pause and stretch my arms above my head before I was ushered to baggage claim. Whoever said this business was fast paced wasn’t kidding. I don’t think I’d have enough time to breathe if my body didn’t do it on its own.

I spotted Johnny first. With a grin, I abandoned my buggy with everyone else and took off, weaving through the crowds to get to Johnny as fast as I could. “Johnny!” I exclaimed happily once his eyes met mine. I threw my bag down and leapt into his arms. “I’ve missed you!”

“I missed you too, Little Lady,” he laughed while patting my back. Then he set me down on the ground and held me at arm’s length. “Well, look at you,” he gushed while beaming. “Something about you is different. Turn around.”

I let out a little sigh but obliged, much like one does whenever they see relatives for the first time in a while. I turned on the spot and then struck a little pose. “I haven’t changed that much,” I told him.

He shook his head. “Did so.” He pointed at my face. “Haven’t seen a smile that big on you in a while.”

I shrugged. “Going away was better for me than I thought,” I admitted. Johnny gave me a suspicious look but I kept my mouth shut. I wasn’t lying, so why was he looking at me like that?

Just then Aunt Abbey appeared by my side and we split up from my band to get into the car that would take us to the MTV studios. I was practically bursting with excitement. I loved MTV. Whoever came up with the station was a genius.

I rested my chin on my arms as I turned to look out the window to take in the fast-paced life of New York city. People, cars, and skyscrapers moved by as we navigated the streets in the van. The people here always seem to be in a hurry. It was a little amusing to watch them.

“How was the tour?” Johnny asked so suddenly that I accidentally bashed my forehead on the window in surprise. I couldn’t tell if he really wanted to know or if he was just trying to make conversation. If it was the latter I didn’t blame him, the silence in the car was starting to get to me.

“It was fine,” I replied, rubbing my forehead. “Wish I could’ve seen more of the sights, though. We moved through  Europe so fast it was like I blinked and missed the whole thing.” I yawned. “I’m just glad I can relax.”

Johnny laughed. “You haven’t been in this business long if you can utter those words.”

I made a face at Johnny’s back and returned to looking out the window while wondering what exactly I had gotten myself into. I never really put much stock into this singing thing. It was always just fun for me. I never thought of it as a job.

“We’re here,” Johnny announced as the car slowed down. He turned in his seat to look at me. “They’re performing for a group of people who are currently in the middle of a VJ contest. The performance is live so you’ll have to be as quiet as possible.”

“Okay.” I picked at my nails the entire time I followed him out of the car and inside the building. “So…how they’re doing? Is Darren treating them well?” I asked with as much nonchalance I could muster. I ignored the look that Abbey was giving me.

“They’re doing well,” Johnny replied. “Though you can see for yourself. Are you sure you don’t want to see them until they’re done?”

“I’m sure,” I replied. “I’d just distract them.”

“Okay then. Follow me over here…”

Shoving my hands into the pockets of my jean shorts, I followed him through a maze of hallways until we reached the brightly lit MTV stage. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe I was here! Well, I wasn’t on the show, but still! I was on the freakin’ MTV stage! I hesitantly walked around the stage as people move around and cameras began to move. I carefully walked over to the window and looked out before looking down at gasping at the amount of people that had come to watch *NSYNC. Signs and posters of every design and color were scattered throughout the crowd. I knew they were getting more recognition but this was amazing. I felt tears gather in the corner of my eyes and di my best to keep them away.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” Abbey asked from behind me.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m just…”

“Proud?”

“Yeah.”

I let out a breath and turned away from the window right as more people came into the room and sat on seat that were lined up in a row in front of the smaller stage. Nerves started jumping around in my stomach as everyone got ready.

“Oh my God!” I gasped, bringing my hands to my face. They…they just couldn’t be wearing what I think they’re wearing. Please, no! “Are they really wearing that?” I groaned. I hoped that if I blinked enough the image would go away but it didn’t. “Joey and JC look fine but…God! Justin looks like a freakin’ pirate with those earrings! And those pants!? Who dressed them? Lance looks practically see through! And what’s with Chris’s hair?” I let out a louder groan, still doing my best to keep quiet. “Can I kill whoever decided to dress them like that? It’s obvious they need me and are suffering without me.”

Abbey opened her mouth to say something but obviously thought better of it and pressed her lips together. I let out a breath and watched them carefully to see if they made any of the same mistakes they usually did, such as a bad foot placement or being a half-beat early or late. Darren taught them well, their moves were clean and sharp and they made it look effortless while having fun at the same time. The audience was obviously captured and entertained by their performance.

“They were good,” Abbey said as soon as it was over and we were escorted through the halls. “I didn’t see any mistakes.”

“JC overdid it as usual. Lance was still slightly off. Joey was paying too much attention to the camera than the audience. Justin still seems like a front man than part of the group and Chris, I think, is trying a bit too hard to stand out. And then there’s the slightly off choreography but who’s counting?” I rambled off and ended with a little shrug.

“You’re ruthless.”

“I’m entitled.”

“You’re holding a grudge.”

“I’m justified.”

“They’re in here,” Johnny said as we stopped outside of a door. “But try not to take too long. We have to head off to rehearsals and try and find time to get something to eat.”

“Is my stomach talking to you?” I asked while rubbing it as it growled. He chuckled.

“Do you want me to go in with you?” Abbey asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I rolled my eyes and pushed her hand off. “I’m sixteen, not six, I’ll be fine,” I replied. I grasped the doorknob and hesitated for a few seconds before grasping my wits and entered the room. I stood by the door and closed ti behind myself, watching as they spun around on the spot, trying to get their battery packs off. They looked like dogs chasing their tails.

“Um, do you need any help?” I asked over the noise while tugging at the hem of my red plaid hooded vest.

They all stopped and looked at me in a way that made me feel like I was under a bright spotlight. I could feel heat rising from my feet up to my face and could only guess that I looked as red as a lobster.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes!” Joey was the first to speak. Before I could move he rushed over to me and lifted me in the air in a tight hug. I could feel my bones creaking at the force of it.

“Joey, you can put me down now,” I groaned. He set me down on the ground and I was able to get a good look at him. “Whoa! You’re hot,” I stated as soon as I noticed his facial hair.

“Oh tell me something I don’t know,” he joked with a wave of his hand as Lance pushed his way forward to hug me.

“Hey Lancelot,” I mumbled into his ear as soon as his arms wrapped around me.

“Hey Smurfette,” he replied. He stepped back and held my face in his hands, studying me. I stuck my tongue out at him and he chuckled. “You look great.”

“Really? I have bags under my eyes about a mile long,” I replied with a little laugh. “But thanks for lying.”

Chris practically steamrolled Lance just to get me into a hug. He lifted me off the ground and swung me around like a ragdoll. I even felt a little dizzy once my feet were on the ground so I was glad that JC was courteous enough to bend over a bit to give me a hug. He had a smile on his face but there was a peculiar look in his eye. A look of fear, maybe? But what was he so scared of?

Once he let go I turned my attention to Justin who was staring at me. The silence in the room started to get really thick, almost suffocating. “Hey,” I spoke first. My voice was so soft I barely recognized it. I twisted my finger in a loose thread of my tank top while waiting for his response, if he were to respond at all. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.

“Hey,” he finally replied. His voice was just as soft as mine was. We regarded each other for a few seconds. He was the one to step forward and pull me into a hug. One are went around my lower back and his other hand went to my head, gently stroking my hair. It was weird. Not because he hasn’t hugged me this way before, he has, it was weird because I couldn’t fully appreciate it. Everything was screwed up.

“So how was it?” Joey asked eagerly. I pulled away from Justin and gave him a look at his sudden burst of enthusiasm. “Did you get a boyfriend yet?”

I made a face at him. “Will you stop asking that? It’s bad enough my grandmother keeps asking me the same thing. Besides, how would I be able to get a boyfriend on the road? It’s practically impossible.”

“That’s not what Abbey tells us,” Joey replied, still grinning. He was starting to resemble a jack-o-lantern. Stick a candle on his tongue and he’d be the whole package. At the confused look I gave him he clarified by stating, “She says you have your eye on a certain blond haired Backstreet Boy.”

“Hmm. Abbey needs to keep her dang mouth shut for she doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” I replied while pushing my hair behind my shoulders, ducking my head a bit so they wouldn’t see me blushing. “So…what’s on the agenda today?” I asked, shoving my hands into my pockets and started rocking back and forth on my feet.

“After this we have a signing, some time for lunch, sound check, a radio interview, and then the show,” Lance replied. It didn’t surprise me that he was the one to know, he always had the info. “What about you?”

I shrugged. “I’m free for the day as far as I can tell. I start my mini Canadian ‘tour’ tomorrow with you guys but it only consists of appearances, a few signings here and there, maybe a radio interview, but I’m doing small shows at malls in the area.”

“I wish we had that schedule,” Chris sighed.

I smiled. “I’d rather have yours. The free time is going to drive me up the wall.” I then clapped. “Well, let’s get going. The sooner you get your signing done, the sooner I can get something to eat. I don’t know about you but airplane food doesn’t cut it.”

So far so good.

The awkward air that hung around the guys and I seemed to be lessened as the day went by and we went to their signing at the local mall. There were a lot of screaming girls there. Some were red in the face, some were crying, a few even fainted! As soon as one girl grabbed Justin’s hand in a handshake—boom!—she was on the ground, out cold. I would’ve found the situation somewhat amusing had she not hit her head hard on the ground. She’s fine, though, she oinly received a major headache, thankfully.

Slowly, as time went on, things started to go back to normal. Chris was telling me all of his lame jokes and I’d laugh along even though I’ve heard them a million times. JC told me every single minute detail of every single day that I’ve been away from them, as if I really cared what color Joey’s snot came out when he was sick. Lance was the only one who really asked how I was doing, not that I was surprised, he aside from Justin, was the only one who knew how to approach me to get an answer to a question that I’d normally evade. He knew my tricks all too well.

Justin was quieter than normal, but I didn’t expect much. As the day went on we slowly allowed laughter around each other, smiles that were almost as bright as they used to be, almost genuine, but there was always something there pulling it back, a little devil on our shoulders stopping us from fully embracing one another again.

An elephant, if you will.

“Are you okay?” Lance asked quietly while nudging my arm. I turned my eyes away from the window and looked at him. His green eyes were looking at me in curiosity and a little bit of concern, if I had to guess. I didn’t know how to answer his question and I mumbled a response of affirmation. “You’re not talking,” he noted. It wasn’t hard to notice, being the only few in the little café we found anyone would notice if someone were quiet.

“Yeah, well, neither is anyone else but you don’t see me calling them out.” I shrugged and continued to poke at my food. “I don’t have anything to say I guess,” I replied. “I’m just listening to you guys., That’s all. I can’t contribute to the conversation that much.”

Lance, bless his heart, believes everything I say. And he should. I never had a reason to lie to him, until now. I’m so uncomfortable around them it’s scary. It scared me into keeping my mouth shut in fear that I’d say something wrong. Everything seems to be back to normal, but who are we kidding? It’s different. Too different to be considered normal.

“Well…how’d you like the performance?” Chris asked, learning forward to see me from where he was sitting on the other side of Lance. I shifted underneath their gazes which had simultaneously moved to my direction.

“It was…good,” I replied slowly. “I would’ve thought of an entirely different wardrobe, though. The energy was good and there were a few stumbles here and there but overall it was a solid performance.”

“That’s it?” JC asked while blinking. I lifted a shoulder and dropped it. “No criticism? No suggestions?” I gave another half committed shrug. Silence fell across the table again. I wanted to get up and run but I didn’t want to seem like a coward again. Besides, my legs were starting to hurt from running so much.

“Okay,” Joey finally spoke up, slapping his palms on the table. We all turned to look at him. My eyebrows rose at the look on his face. What can I say, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him look serious about anything. “We all know what’s happening so we might as well clear the elephant from the room. We all know about the letter, that’s why we’re all walking on eggshells right? Well, the floor’s open!”

Joey, no! I let out a groan and used a hand to cover my eyes. Joey meant well, I knew that for sure. He wasn’t a malicious person but I didn’t want to talk about this now and not in front of everyone.

“No one?” Joey asked looking around. “’Cause I have something to say.”

“You have no say, Joey. It doesn’t have anything to do with you,” Justin finally spoke up.

“Bull,” Joey replied. “This has everything to do with us now. When you do something stupid and it effects our friendship with her it’s our business.”

“Joe,” I spoke up before anyone else could do anything to make matters worse. Not that it’s possible. “I appreciate your concern but…I know you’re trying to help but I just want an answer to one question.” I turned my gaze to Justin who flinched as if I raised a hand to him. “Why?” I pressed my lips together as soon as the word fell from my mouth. It was then, at that moment, I realized how truly different justin and I were now. Not that we were every the same before but the rift of differences between us suddenly became a great chasm in my eyes. “Why’d you agree with me? To put our friendship on hold? Why didn’t you fight me? Dammit, Justin, why?”

Lance put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. Chris looked at Justin and raised his eyebrows. Joey, across from me, crossed his arms over his chest and JC pressed his lips together.  Justin ran his hands over his face a couple of times before covering his eyes and sighing. I didn’t think he’d ever speak but his voice came out so quietly I almost missed what he said.

“It…hurt to be constantly told that I’m the one who was holding you back,” Justin replied, his voice shaking. “It hurt to think that I was the one stopping you from doing…anything. It hurt to be told that I was what was keeping you from being happy. It’s why I didn’t say anything when you left.” He lifted his eyes and looked me dead in the face. “I didn’t want you to go, God knows I didn’t. If I had my way I’d keep you here forever ‘cause I can’t bear the thought that I won’t be a part of your life. But I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt you.” He gave a little scoff and shook his head. “But it seems to be the only thing I do to you, either way.”

I brought a finger up to my eye and blinked, catching a tear before it fell down my face. I picked up a clean napkin and dabbed at my eyes, grimacing when I saw the little black smudges on it. Note to self: use less eyeliner. “Not wanting to be my friend anymore hurt me worse than anything you’ve done,” I told him. “The fact that you just went along with it hurt. Without your support or knowing that you’re there for me…freaked me out, to say the least. The fact that you would just throw it all away hurt so much.”

“Er….we might have had a hand in that,” Lance admitted. I looked at him. He gave me a look that clearly spoke volumes that he felt ashamed. “Y’see we’ve never liked the idea of how it seemed as though your friendship was unbalanced and we’ve been vocal about that to the both of you. I guess we never understood it. We shouldn’t have meddled and I apologize on the behalf of all of us. I just hope you can forgive us.”

I pressed my lips together. Of course I forgave them, in my mind that was an automatic response but saying it out loud was tough. Instead I muttered, “You already kicked me while I was down, why’d you send that e-mail?”

“What e-mail?” Justin asked.

“The e-mail that said, in less terms, that you hated me,” I replied. How could he not remember that? He wrote it and sent it.

“I’d never say that to you, ever. Not to your face, let alone an e-mail.”

“Yeah and if anyone should get answers for sending an e-mail it should be him after you sent yours,” Chris replied.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. He was acting crazier than usual. “I haven’t had time to e-mail anyone and if I did it was only my mom and dad. Why would he have Justin’s side in this? Or anyone’s side for that matter? “What’re you talking about?”

“What’re you talking about?”

“Look.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the worn paper that had been read more than once, so much that I practically had every scalding word memorized. I don’t know why I continued to torture myself by having it on me.

Justin and Chris leaned forward to read it. “Did you actually believe this?” Chris asked. I gave him a look. Wasn’t he the one who was just jumping down my throat? “For one, J would never utter those words.”

“And two, we’ve been friends for fourteen years, not twelve,” Justin added. “Not that I’m counting,” he quickly tacked on to the end of his sentence. “I’d never say those things to you no matter how angry at you I was.”

“But who sent the e-mail then?” Joey asked.

“Oh, I have a few ideas,” I said darkly. I knew it! I knew it was Bobbie! That bitch!

“Stop the witch hunt,” JC finally spoke up after a few seconds of silence. He heaved a sigh. “I sent the e-mails.”

“Come on, let’s just get started,” I said as I tightened my ponytail and walked out to the center of the dance floor. “Since Fatima couldn’t make it out to help you’re going to be the choreographer, Lollipop,” I addressed Lyric who was stretching on the floor. She nodded and leaned forward while grabbing her shoe, pressing her nose against her knee. “We only have…” I paused to glance at the clock on the wall. “Two hours until they need the space so let’s make the most of it, okay?”

“Are we working on the normal dance routines or are we going to work on the newer ones?” Codie asked as she stretched forward and grabbed at her feet. She lowered her head so her nose was touching her knees.

“Newer ones,” I decided while kneeling to tie my laces up tighter.

“The other dances should be muscle memory by now,” Sevvie added from the couch she was sitting on. Elegant and poised as always, her leg was crossed over the other and her back was perfectly straight. I wish I had her posture. “Working on the newer ones would prepare her for Canada.”

“Okay, newer ones it is,” Lyric said with a clap of her hands. “We’ll start out with the dance songs and leave…twenty minutes to brush up on your vocals?”

“Sounds good to me,” I replied while pulling my leg back to stretch properly. “Gabe, you work the sound system if you don’t mind. Sevvie, please watch our foot placements and such. Lyric can only see so much.”

“Got it,” she said with a thumbs-up.

“Whenever you’re ready,” I called to Gabe who was standing with his finger on the play button of sound system in the corner. He waited for Lyric and Codie to take their places on either side of me and he pushed the button.

I did my best to push out all of the negative thoughts that had been bouncing around in my mind since JC’s little confession and tried to bring forward the dance steps that I was taught. It was hard. Really hard. I couldn’t give it my full attention. I was pissed. How could someone interfere in my life like that? Someone I trusted, even liked…a lot.

I let out a quiet sigh that was swallowed up by the booming music. But maybe that was the whole problem. Liking JC, I mean. To him I’m probably just some little kid. The same kid that ran around the MMC set whenever I visited and tried to get his attention with ploy after ploy after ploy. The one that didn’t listen to anyone and still did whatever she wanted.

Just…a kid.

And that pissed me off more than what he did. The fact that he tried to control and run my life. I can do that by myself but no, he thinks he knows every fucking thing that there is to know about my life. Like my relationship with Justin. He had to be the ringleader when it came to telling Justin that our friendship was “toxic” or whatever word he liked to use frequently. It’s not! He just doesn’t get it and he never will so long as he keeps seeing our relationship from the outside.

“Mack, stop!”

“What?” I had begun my turn only to step right into Lyric’s path of motion. We collided and fell to the ground in a heap. I let out a little groan and rubbed at my arm where I fell and hit my funny bone. “Sorry,” I sighed. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Obviously,” Codie panted, putting her hands on her hips. “What’s up?”

“I’ll give you three guesses but you’re only going to need one,” Lyric replied from where she was lying down on the shiny wooden floor. I rolled my eyes. I was not that much of an open book. “Look, by no means do you have to listen to me, but I think you just need to stay away from them.”

“Who’s ‘them’?” I asked with finger quotes.

“*NSYNC.”

I scoffed. “Lyr, they’re my bosses. And my friends. Well, four-fifths of them are at this moment.”

Lyric rolled onto her stomach. “And you’re always caught up in some sort of drama with them. With Justin, that’s just a huge thing by itself. With JC it’s him treating you like a child. With Joey it’s…it’s joey being Joey. With Lance…well, I don’t think you have a problem with him. And with Chris it’s him playing tricks on you all the time. You had less drama around the Backstreet Boys, the most you had was trying to—“

“Please don’t bring them up right now,” I responded while holding up my hand to stop her. Even thinking about Nick made me mad and sad and confused, of which are not good emotions for a girl to feel all at once. Trust me. We become ticking time bombs ready to unload on the next unsuspecting coward of a victim. “What’s your point?”

“Her point is you should focus on yourself right now, and not boys,” Sevvie responded from the couch. “Not that we’re calling you boy crazy, the fact of the matter is a majority of your friends are boys. But they also bring drama and stress into your life that you don’t need unless you want to run yourself into the ground. And you really don’t need more stress than is already placed on your shoulders.”

I sucked in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “I appreciate your concern but I can handle this.”

“Mack, you almost took Lyric out. You’re never distracted until now,” Gabe pointed out.

“Well how focused would you be if you found out someone was trying to sabotage your friendship with someone?” I demanded while I began stretching my arms. Gabe stayed silent. “Exactly. Look, we don’t have a lot of time. We’re wasting whatever’s left just talking about this. Let’s get to it. Lyric, I’m sorry I almost took your head off.”

Lyric waved her hand in a dismissive way. “S’no problem, I have too hard of a head for it to be knocked off,” she replied while rapping her knuckles against her head.

Codie scoffed. “Aint that the truth,” she muttered.

“Focus! Please?” I asked while clapping my hands together. I ignored Codie’s comment about me being tyrant and got back into place for the start of the song. I’d be lying if I said the longer we practiced the better we got, or I got really. I tried so hard to focus but my mind was going in a billion different directions that we eventually gave up when, during one of my pirouettes I whacked Codie hard in the knee.

My vocal training with Gabe weren’t that much better either. Eventually he got tired of me not paying attention and began to yell at me which only made me yell back. Couldn’t he see that I had too much on my mind and being yelled at isn’t the best solution on the planet? I knew he was trying to get through to me, to remind me of what I was working so hard towards, but that wasn’t the best way to handle it. Nonetheless I did my best to work through the time and we ended on a decent note. It could’ve been better, scores better, but it wasn’t horrible.

Liam had come in somewhere during the end of my practice and I could almost see the comments that he wanted to deliver floating around on his mind. Thankfully he kept quiet and nodded every now and then as he listened closely.

“Good practice?” He asked as we moved around the room to gather our things. I rolled my neck and gave him a look. He knew how the practice went, why was he even asking?

“Do you have news or…?” I asked as I reached into my bag for a towel and began dabbing at the sweat on my neck. I could already feel the beginning prickles of a sweat induced itch.

“I do,” Liam replied while turning his attention to his palmpilot. “You already know that you have a few shows and radio interviews lined up for when you go to Canada with the boys.” I nodded. “Time has opened up before their show tonight and they need to fill it somehow. Johnny asked if you could do it and I said yes so you’re performing tonight.”

“Liam…” I said as slowly and sweetly as possible. He had to be joking, he just had to. “Please tell me you didn’t just say that you just now booked me to do a little show opening for *NSYNC and I have only an hour and a half to prepare.”

His eyes flickered from the screen to my face and back to the screen as he lifted the little stick that went with it. “Well, I would, but I’d be lying,” he mumbled.

My mouth fell open. “Liam!” I cried out in shock.

He ignored me and kept going. “And, when you get to Canada, a dance school in the area is having a recital they want your help with, maybe even perform with.”

“Liam!”

“What?”

“That’s in two days!” I held up two of my fingers and wiggled them in his face for emphasis. “Are you now telling me that I have two days to make a routine, teach it to people, block it, dress rehearsal, and make and fit costumes? Two days?” I demanded while throwing my arms into the air. “What happened to you backing off and letting me be able to breathe?”

“Mack, this is a great opportunity for you!” Liam tried to reason with me while putting a hand on your shoulder. “You want to be known for your contribution in the dance world, correct?” I nodded, begrudgingly. “And when times like these come up you can’t just wave it away, you have to do something with it if you want your name out there. I wouldn’t have agreed to it if I didn’t think that you couldn’t do it. You do well under pressure, don’t you?”

“Not this much pressure,” I grumbled under my breath. But I knew Liam was right. I wasn’t going to admit it out loud but he was right. I let out a loud sigh. “Okay, okay,” I sighed. “I’ve done well in a pinch before; surely I can do it now, right?”

“Are you sure about this, Charlie?” Gabe asked from where he was sitting behind the piano in the corner of the room. His blonde eyebrows were raised in a way that I could tell he was voicing my own thoughts. “It could be too much pressure and, well, as of late you don’t exactly handle pressure that well.”

“No, no, I’ll be fine,” I said with a little nod of my head to convince not only them but myself as well. I can do this. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just…take everything one step at a time. Can’t be too hard.”

I hope they bought my smile for I wasn’t buying it at all.

“Uggggggh,” I groaned and took another turn, starting back in the opposite direction I had walked in. The show was only a few mere minutes away and the closer it had gotten to it the more nerves began to bounce around in my stomach. But that’s good, right? Being nervous means that you still care about what you do and if you aren’t nervous, well, you should give up. I shook my hands out to try and release some of my excess energy and turned around to pace in the opposite direction.

The show was indoors, thankfully so I had a room to pace in. if the show was outside I think I would’ve been a worse wreck to hear the screaming kids who were waiting to see their idols, and for some (the delusional ones) their future husbands.

“Relax, you’re going to do great like you always do,” Sevvie said as she walked over to me, moving as if she were on a permanent runway like always. She smiled down at me and moved some hair out of my face and used the edge of her thumb to wipe away some makeup. Then she took my shoulders and lightly shook them. “Don’t worry about anything but the music and the words and how you’re feeling and what you’re trying to put out in the atmosphere. We have your back. If you go down, we go down.”

“Thanks for that,” I said with a little laugh as she let go of my shoulders. “No pressure or anything. Nope, nope, nope. No pressure is put on me, not before my first official US show. Is it hot in here or is it just me? Is it a little stuffy? I feel my throat tightening,” I rambled while pulling at the collar of my “costume”. It wasn’t much, just some dark boots, short jeans, a bright tank top, and an off the shoulder shirt. I didn’t have a lot of time from when Liam sprung the news on me to show time to think of something to wear. That’s one thing he needs to learn, as a girl I need my primping time.

“Stop,” Gabe said firmly from where he was sitting on the couch, his fingers tapping a random beat on his knee. “Take a deep breath.” I did as I was told. “Now let it out slowly.” I let it out. “Now, keep doing that. Now’s not the time for you to panic. It’s one small show, you’re not performing for the Queen of England.”

I let out a breath in one loud woosh. “Oh, that’d be so cool though,” I noted.

“Is every decent?” Joey announced his presence while walking into the dressing room with a large hand covers his eyes. A smile peeked out from underneath his nose as he walked further into the room.

“Gabe wouldn’t be in here if we weren’t,” I pointed out as the others filed into the room behind Joey. I could feel the awkwardness in the air thicken as soon as JC came into the room and everyone stopped talking at once. I turned away from them and lifted my foot onto the side of the couch to untie and retie my boot. And I did it again and again until, finally, Lance decided to speak up.

“Um, we’re sorry this was sprung on you in the last minute but we wanted to stop by and wish you luck and a good show,” he said while pulling a bouquet of roses from behind his back and held it out to me.

I accepted them with a smile. “White, how’d you know I preferred these?” I asked and brought them up to my nose to take a whiff.

“It was all my idea,” Justin said while thumping his chest with his palm. “Don’t listen to these clowns.”

“Was it also your idea to forget to take off the thorns?” I asked with a lift of my eyebrow.

“Like I said, it was a joint effort.”

“Sure.” I rolled my eyes and set them down on the counter in front of the large vanity mirror. “You guys are sweet.” Except for JC who’s comparable to a rotten egg.

“So, how’re you feeling?” Chris asked as he pulled a rose out of the bouquet. I watched with a quirked eyebrow as he repeatedly began to poke his finger against one of the thorns.

“Like I swallowed flies and now they’re leading an organize revolt in my stomach,” I replied.

“I got the Pepto!” Lyric announced from a corner of the room while waving the pink bottle in the air as if it were a trophy.

“Thanks Lyric,” I sighed while moving my hair out of my face. “You guys should get going. You need to warm up and stuff as well,” I said while shaking my hands in their direction to shoo them off.

“I think…I think JC wanted to talk to you,” Lance said quietly by my side.

I scoffed and glared in his direction. “He can talk until his face turns blue for all I care. I don’t want to hear what he has to say.”

“Mack, c’mon. We’re going to be stuck with each other for a few days might as well clear the air, get the elephant out of the room and enjoy out time together.”

“Oh, I’ll enjoy it if he doesn’t talk to me.”

“You can stop talking like I’m not here,” JC commented from where he was standing. I could hear annoyance in his voice clear as day. I humped. He had no right to be annoyed; he was the one who interfered with my friendships. He deserves this if you ask me.

“Too bad, I’m having a fun time ignoring you,” I responded. Yes, I know, answering him didn’t really go along with my plan but…I’m mad, okay? My brain doesn’t work well when I’m mad.

“Stop being so childish.”

I gave an incredulous laugh. “I’m sorry; did you just accuse me of being a child?”

JC shrugged. “You heard me perfectly well,” he replied evenly.

I curled my fingers into fists. I really wanted to punch him right now. “Who’s the one who went behind their friends’ backs, pretending to be each other, only to get things to go their way? Please remind me who the childish one here is.”

“It’s still you because you won’t let me explain.”

“And that’s all I’m ever going to be to you, isn’t it?” I demanded, keeping my eyes locked on him. I could faintly sense some of the others moving as if to get out of our line of fire. “I’m only going to be a kid to you, aren’t I? To you I’m still eleven, not sixteen. Newsflash, Joshua, I can make my own decisions and make my own friends and deal with them how I please. I don’t need you holding my hand the entire way.”

“At least give me the respect I deserve and hear me out instead of freezing me out,” JC said, his voice tight. Ooh, I’ve seen that look one too many times to know that I was working on her nerves. The muscle in his clenched jaw began to pulse and his eyes were steely.

I laughed harshly. “You lost my respect when you pulled this stunt,” I hissed. “If you’ll excuse me I have a show to do.”

Once I got into the hallway I ran my hand against the smooth wall. The slight bumps and ridges tickled my palm, just what I needed to stop myself from sending my fist through the plaster. I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath and let it out really slowly. Maybe this was a bad idea. I would rather spend time with the Backstreet Boys and deal with the awkwardness around Nick than have to spend the next ten days with JC. But I can’t back out now, Liam would have my head and I’d disappoint so many people.

“Hey.” I let out a little scream and felt my body jerk in response to a hand on my shoulder. I dropped my hand from the wall and brought it up to my chest to feel my heart beating hard against my ribcage. “Are you alright?” Justin asked.

I let out a sigh that sounded like a laugh. “I want to squeeze JC’s face until it pops like a pimple, otherwise ‘okay’ isn’t the right word to use,” I replied. “I don’t get how you’re so calm about this.”

He shrugged. “I’m a guy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for reminding me, J.”

He cracked a smile. “What I mean is…I have to work with him. It’s best to bury the hatchet and get everything out of the way so we can be one cohesive group and so sides aren’t taken. “ He shrugged. “I tried not to let it get to me. I mean…yeah, he’s not exactly my favorite person right now but…deep down I knew if we were to ever stop being friends we could talk it out. You wouldn’t write an email about it, that’s not you. I knew something was off about it.”

“So it doesn’t bother you at all that everyone thinks we shouldn’t be friends?” I asked. I tilted my head back to look up at the light. I couldn’t look at him. I hated having to have this conversation but, at the same time, it was needed.

He ran his fingers through his hair, taking in a breath of air so his chest puffed up and then he let it out slowly. “Nah, I’d be lying. It does bother me but I try so hard not to let it get to me because you’re important to me and they know that and it’s just their opinions. They didn’t grow up with us; they don’t understand how we work. I get it, though, what they’re saying sometimes. I get it. But I don’t want to let outside forces ruin something that we’re fine with.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and gave them a little squeeze. “And you shouldn’t let it get to you either. Especially now. Lock it away and rock out. Leave the baggage offstage. We can sort it out later.”

I licked my lips and nodded. “Yeah, okay,” I muttered and let out another loud sigh, shaking my arms to get rid of some nervous energy. I then reached out to him and he instantly pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers brushing against my elbows. I tucked my head into the crook of his neck and took in his fresh scent, smiling as I felt him squeeze me back. I could faintly hear and feel his heart beating hard in his chest.

That’s weird.

His heart was beating so hard and fast, almost as if he were nervous or something. As if I made him nervous. But that couldn’t be it. It just couldn’t. I didn’t even have a chance to ask him about it when I was grabbed my Lyric and dragged down the hall to get to the stage. So took a deep breath, pushed everything out of my mind and focused on giving a good performance.

I’d worry about JC and Justin later.

“Are you going to talk to C?” Justin asked.

I chewed my pizza slice and shook my head. As singers we weren’t supposed to have pizza because dairy coats our throat or something but we indulge every now and then and I sure as hell was going to indulge on my first night back with Justin. The Dynamic Duo, together again!

The shows went well, a few mistakes were made here and there but that was expected. We’re not perfect after all. I avoided JC as much as possible. I wasn’t as angry with him as I was before, I was seeing red before, but I was still pissed. Seriously, how could someone that I trusted do that to me? Do we mean that little to him? I’ve tried looking at things from his side but it just doesn’t work. I wouldn’t do something like this to him. Ever. I did, however, agree to try and be civil with him. Try being the key word.

Instead of getting straight on a Red Eye flight and going to Canada we decided to get rooms in the hotel and stay here for the night and then go off to Canada. Best decision we’ve ever made, it’s been so long since I’ve slept on a normal bed, I didn’t even mind that it was a hotel bed of all places. Justin and I ended up sharing a room so Joey and Lance could room together, Chris roomed with Gabe, the girls with each other, and JC got one to himself. Good, now he can sit in a corner and think about what he did.

“Mack, c’mon,” Justin sighed. “Hear him out. He only had good intentions.”

“I don’t care if he had a gun held to his head, what he did was low,” I replied as I set my empty plate on the bedside table nearest me.

“You know how JC is,” Justin huffed impatiently. “He’s only looking out for us. Yeah…it was a little messed up but I think he was trying to get a point across.”

“What point is that?” I demanded.

“That we rely on each other too much,” he replied. Ah. I should’ve known, I’ve only heard it so many times. “And…I kind of agree with him. I do rely on you too much, it’s not fair on you and I’m sorry.”

I shook my head and pulled my hair back over my shoulders. “I don’t think of it that way, though,” I replied. “I mean…yeah, sometimes I can be a pushover when it comes to you but…I like doing those things for you, I like being there for you. I don’t feel as if it’s…taking advantage as most of them say. I know its different interpretation and everything it’s more of…I like feeling needed, y’know? I mean…I need you in my life, J. I can’t cut you out.”

“That’s now that they’re saying, he’s saying,” Justin replied. “You know we can’t be together forever.”

I nodded. “I know that,” I agreed. “But what’s so wrong with wanting to cram as much time together in now? While we’re doing this together? Before I go off to a different country and our schedules start to differ and then the only time we’ll see each other is—thinking objectively here—award shows?” I sighed. “It scares me…thinking of the day that, suddenly, we’re not close anymore.”

“I…I think JC’s just preparing us for that,” Justin said after swallowing thickly. “Where our lives go separate ways, where you get married and have your house surrounded by a white picket fence and your 2.5 children running around and—“

“How could I have half a child?” I interrupted him.

Justin shrugged. “Its statistics, blame the science guys for reducing your average amount of children.” I chuckled a little. “Anyway, my point is…JC, I think, is just trying to help us…rip off the bandage as soon as possible, to realize that we can’t live in this fantasy world much longer and that we’d have to accept reality.”

I let out a loud and long groan. “Uggggh, please don’t get me to realize that JC is actually right and please don’t make me have to accept it,” I whined. “I’d much rather stay angry with him. I mean, come on, it was just so underhanded.”

“It was, I agree,” Justin said as he took my hands. “But if I can hear him out you can too. It’s not the end of the world. And he’s trying so hard.”

It wasn’t like I could miss that. Usually if we were at odds he’d wait for me to cool down and then we’d talk it out and be over it in minutes. This time he practically followed me around all day to try and make things right. He’s never tried that hard so it was safe to say I noticed, and, fleetingly, looked too far into it, I’ll admit.

I gave a little shake of my head. I had to get over him, this was so pathetic. Hanging onto a crush I’ve had for years which was never going to be requited, no matter how much I wished for it to be. That was it, really, the only reason I was angry, I’ll admit. Because him doing this ruined the image of him I’ve had stored in my mind since I was eleven. But maybe now it was finally time to let go and move on…

“Okay,” I groaned in defeat while sticking out my lower lip. “I’ll talk to him later.”

He lightly flicked my lip. “Stick that lip back in, missy,” Justin ordered.

I stuck my lip out further. “Make me!” I replied.

He didn’t respond for, in the next second, he held my face between his hands and his lips touched mine. I couldn't say who leaned into whom, closing the distance – all I knew was that Justin's lips were pressed so softly against my own. I held back the whimper of satisfaction that wanted to escape my throat. His kiss was firm yet gentle; so strange yet so natural; so new yet so familiar.

After a few seconds he pressed a little harder. My heart thumped against my chest and I could feel my cheeks growing warm under Justin’s hands. He pulled away and I sucked in my breath, pressing my lips together. I probably looked like a puffer fish, bulging eyes included. He gave a soft laugh, “You could participate just a little bit, you know.”

“Sorry,” I squeaked. I closed my eyes briefly at how childish I sounded. How else was I supposed to react when my best friend, out of the blue, kisses me? I didn’t even think something like this would happen, ever. I don’t have feelings for him at all. At least…I don’t think I do. But what about Nick? And JC? Despite what those two did…they still hold special places in my heart that I couldn’t lodge them out of no matter how hard I tried…

Maybe this was what I needed. A good distraction. Some fun, even. No commitment, no strings, nothing.

He smiled. “It’s alright,” he whispered and kissed me again.

I should’ve stopped him, I know that, but I let my eyes close and breathed out through my nose, kissing him back. I couldn’t help it! Something about him was pulling me in. His head tilted slightly causing our lips to fit better. A perfect fit. I could vaguely feel his hands moving from my cheeks and down to my waist as he pulled me closer to him but my mind was paying too much attention to how good of a kisser he is.

I lifted my hands from my lap and lightly hung them off of Justin’s neck as our mouths moved together, a little awkwardly but after a couple of seconds the awkwardness went away and I was practically sitting in his lap. I tightened my grip around his neck and felt his hands go around my lower back. I sucked in a breath through my nose, taking in his cologne. It was sweet yet still manly. Tommy Hilfiger? Or maybe Calvin Klein.

“Whoa,” I breathed as soon as he pulled away, my stomach turning. How cliché but that was the only thing that came to my mind. I could hear my heart beating rapidly in my ears. Or was that his beating through his chest? Who knows, we’re close enough.

“Is that a good or a bad whoa?” Justin asked, leaning forward so his forehead rested on mine.

“It’s um…” My mind was too fuzzy to form a sentence. This was too weird. This was Justin. My Juppy. My best friend since day one. Now, here we are, practically making out in a hotel room in New York. How things have changed… “I…do you like me?” I managed to ask. It was such a simple question but, at the same time, it wasn’t.

He shrugged. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I…I wanted to see…” He licked his lips. He wasn’t saying much but I knew what he was trying to say.

The butterflies continued flapping around in my stomach. “Yeah, me too,” I whispered. “So…what does this mean? Is there anything different between us?”

“I don’t want to screw up our friendship.”

“Who says this’ll screw it up?”

He rolled his shoulders back. Ignoring my question he asked, “What about Nick?”

I sighed. “I like him a lot but I made it clear to him that I don’t want to be toyed with and that he knows my number if he wants to contact me if/when he figures things out with his ex.”

“So you two are at a standstill then?”

“Guess so.”

“Oh.” I let out a small laugh through my nose at his simple response. “Can I kiss you again?” He blurted out.

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. “Are we friends with benefits now?”

“Just as long as you still consider me your friend…” Justin mumbled as he leaned closer, gently brushing his nose against mine, “I don’t care what we are,” he finished before kissing me again. I wanted to ask a million questions but I kept them in my head, not wanting to ruin this moment. I’d have fun now and deal with the repercussions later.

Easy enough.

April 16th, 1998
London, Ontario, Canada

“Oh Canada, how I missed you!” I sighed as soon as I set foot in the airport. I clutched my pillow close to my chest and looked around the familiar terminal. People all around us rushed by, heading in different directions to get to their destinations. Up above the voice on the PA system calling out flight information was almost drowned out by the din of the customers in the airport.

“You do realize we’re not in Montreal, right?” Justin asked as he slung an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. I lightly bumped my hip against his and smiled up at him.

“Yes, I know, but it all feels the same to me. And Canada’s like the South, just without the accents. Everyone’s really friendly up here.” Almost as soon as I finished my sentence a man passed by who was ranting about something with his female companion, his face bright red. “Well, when they’ve had their coffee they are anyway.”

He laughed as the rest of the guys approached us, moving single file away from the gate along with the other passengers from the plane. My band came out from behind them, yawning and rubbing at their eyes. If I weren’t so excited I’d be as tired as the rest of them. I still wasn’t used to having to wake up early just to fly somewhere. It was the only part about this whole thing I hated. Being away from home was a close second.

“Okay from here we’re going to stop by the hotel to drop your things off and then you’re going straight to the radio station for your interview,” Johnny commented as soon as he was sure he had the boys’ attention. “After that you’re going back to the hotel to do phone interviews, have lunch, do sound check, meet some fans, and then do your show. Since we’re not going far to the next city we’re sleeping in London tonight but that means you have to be up and ready to go tomorrow morning.”

Joey sighed. “Another packed day.”

“Them’s the breaks if you want to make it,” Jonny said with a shrug of his shoulders. “Let’s get to—“

He didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence when a few piercing screams caused us all to jump. And suddenly the fans were upon us. Some were red in the face, a lot of them continued to scream, and a good chunk of them were crying. I never quite understood why they cried. It only made me feel awkward and not know what to do.

“Don’t crowd, don’t crowd,” Tiny said over the noise, holding his hands up while addressing the fans. “One at a time.”

“Hey, we’ll get your things so we can just head on out,” I said loudly into Justin’s ear so he could hear me over the noise.

“Okay, thanks,” he replied. He then bent his head, as if to kiss me, but I ducked out of the way. His eyebrows came together and I offered up a little shrug then turned to catch up to my band who had already began to walk in the direction of baggage claim.

“What was that about?” Lyric asked as soon as I fell into step with them.

I lifted my bag higher over my shoulder and glanced back to be sure that Liam was with us. I locked eyes with Justin for a moment and then forced myself to turn back around. Feigning innocence I asked, “What was what about?”

“You and Justin. He looked as if he were about to kiss you.”

I shrugged one shoulder. “He kisses me on the forehead sometimes, no big deal,” I replied. She gave me a look but, thankfully, didn’t press the issue. I wouldn’t know how to talk my way out of it if she wanted to know details. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about having kissed him but I knew that doing it again probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

A few minutes went by before we were able to get all of the bags off of baggage claim and the guys finally came over. Tiny and Johnny were holding onto the bright gifts and posters that were given to them and we were escorted out of the airport and to the cars that were waiting for us.

“I wish we could turn Canada up a few degrees,” Chris commented as soon as he got into the van an settled in. “My balls are about to fall off.”

“You need balls first for that to happen,” Joey commented.

“Burn!” Justin cheered and high fived him.

“What’re you laughin’ about, Mr. Falsetto?” Chris demanded while punching Justin in the arm.

“Look who’s talking!” Justin shot back, shoving him into the window.

As much as I tried to fight it a smile stretched on my face. It’s just hard to not smile around these goobers, they were too funny. And I did miss them a lot. Things just weren’t the same without them around. Yeah, the Backstreet Boys were the same in some degree but there’s nothing like the original thing. And they were my boys, even when they pissed me off; they’re special and important to me.

I tucked myself into a ball in my seat and looked out the window the entire ride over to the hotel. The tall buildings towered over us as we navigated through the city. Sun was trying to peek out from behind the light gray clouds, giving everything a strange golden glow. It made everything look so peaceful.

“Are you alright? You’re very quiet,” Lance said while tapping me atop of my head.

I tilted my head back until I was looking at his face upside-down. “I’m just thinking,” I responded. “Of what I have to do, everything coming up. We’re going to be very busy soon. I’m mentally preparing myself for it.”

“Don’t you think it’s better to live day by day instead? Not worry too much about all that you have to do and just enjoy the moment?” He questioned.

I gave a little shrug and turned my attention back to the scenes passing by the window. But he did have a point with his idea. That’s how my father was going about his life now. It’s what he said in his e-mails anyway. He always made a day that sounds so boring sound like an adventure. And he seemed really happy and enjoying his life despite not knowing how sick he would be the next day. He didn’t seem stressed or bothered at all with his life going a different direction than mine or Mom’s.

I sighed and rubbed at my eyes, going over what I had to do for the day: get my stuff to the hotel, get a choreography routine down for tomorrow, sign some photos… Hmm, if only I could replace all of that with take the world’s longest bath and relax. That would make this ‘break’ start off good. I rubbed at the side of my head, feeling a headache beginning to come on.

Finally we arrived at the hotel and managed to get in without a hitch. I was surprised to know that there weren’t fans waiting outside of the hotel. They’ve very sneaky, I’ll give them that. A little terrifying sometimes. One even tried to get through airport security while riding the conveyor belt. It was kind of funny. But I don’t recommend it. Security frowns on that.

When I had finally gotten up to my room I had to resist the urge to sit down for I knew if I ever connected with that mattress I’d be out like a light. Taking a small detour into the bathroom I splashed water onto my face to wake myself up. Once leaving I navigated around Lyric’s things that were strewn around the room and glanced at the bed to see her already snoring.

Lucky her.

Sighing, I reluctantly left the room after packing a small bag for the day and went in search of the guys. The sooner this day started the sooner I could get back and get some sleep. Until then a bottle of Coca-Cola would be my best friend. I shuffled down the hall while yawning, my eyes squinting so much that I almost ran into Johnny.

“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t see you,” I mumbled while rubbing my eyes. “Here I was hoping that a ‘break’ would constitute me actually being able to sleep. I should’ve known that that wouldn’t be the case.” I yawned again and shook my head. “Sorry. How have they been doing? And be honest. I can only really gauge them on how sharp their moves are.”

“They still have the hunger in their eyes, which is good,” Johnny explained. “Things are only going to continue going up and they’re going to have to keep that hunger if they want to go far. A few times it seemed as if they were beginning to run out of steam but they never lose sight of the prize. Their goals are what keeps them going.”

“Are they sleeping well? Eating right? Exercising regularly?” I questioned. “Are they following any of my guidelines at all? They can’t afford to be sick or injure themselves.”

Chuckling he said, “They’re well aware of the situation they’d put themselves in if something were to go wrong for one of them. They’re taking good care of themselves to keep up with the work.” He ruffled my hair earning a frown from me. “You don’t need to worry about them so much. They can take care of themselves.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “These are the same guys who laugh like a bunch of idiots over fart jokes.”

“They’re boys, what can I say?”

I rolled my eyes. “Excuses, excuses.”

“Oh, speaking of which. I have this for you.” He reached around his back to the bag that was sitting on his shoulder and dug into it. I blinked rapidly to keep my burning eyes open and stifled a yawn that caused my ears to pop. I had pinched my nose and blew gently to get them back to normal when Johnny found what he was looking for. “From Nick,” he said as he handed over a CD. As if I needed the help to figure out who it was from, I recognized the handwriting on the tracklist right away.

“Thanks,” I mumbled. I turned the case around in my hands a couple of times and had barely slipped it into my drawstring bag when I felt two arms wrap around my waist. My heart began to pound. I gasped and dropped my hands and tried to pry the other ones off of me. It took a few seconds of me fighting against the other person before they removed their arms. I stepped away and spun on my heel simultaneously to see who it was and felt a huge wave of relief. “Jesus, Justin, don’t do that,” I sighed once I realized it was him. Placing a hand on my chest I took in a few deep breaths to calm my sudden racing heart.

“Sorry,” he apologized while laughing, obviously not too sorry about what he did. “What’s gotten you so jumpy? Or did you suddenly get ticklish?”

I gave a shrug and turned my eyes over to the ugly pattern of wallpaper that sat on the walls, avoiding his and Johnny’s looks. “It’s nothing,” I denied with a shake of my head. “Just not in the mood. Haven’t gotten much sleep, you know how cranky I get.”

The confused look dropped from his face and he nodded. “I’ll get you a coke as soon as possible. I’ll be saving us all from your wrath.”

“Ha ha,” I laughed sarcastically. “I’m not that bad.”

“You see this?” He asked while folding down an ear to look it make look like mangled. “This is the result of you biting my ear off!”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” I said with a wave of my hand. “Be useful and go and make sure the others aren’t sleeping will ya? You have to be at the station in twenty.”

“Uh oh, bossy boots is back!” Justin called over his shoulder while walking back down the hall.

I held my middle finger up behind his back and sighed while shaking my head. As soon as I was in the picture the sport of teasing the youngest was automatically shifted over to me. And, of course, Justin would jump at the opportunity to pass the buck as soon as it was in his sights.

“Remember that you can’t kill them. They pay you,” I said under my breath while rubbing my temples. Johnny chuckled and I smiled innocently at him. “You didn’t hear or say anything right?” I asked while looking over at him.

He lifted his hands. “Hey, I heard nothing,” he replied. “But I think having you around again would be good for them. Make sure they’re sticking to their business and not letting their eyes go astray and keeping a level head on their shoulders.”

“Are they getting swelled heads?” I asked.

“Not too swelled, not too swelled,” he replied. “But I have to admit they are getting a bit inflated with the craziness that goes on around them.”

“By which you mean the screaming girls?” I asked slowly. He didn’t respond in a way that confirmed or denied my question but I had a feeling that it was mainly Joey who was the culprit in this. He and Justin weren’t strangers to the club scene. It’s practically impossible with them, being such people persons. Add onto the fact that they basically had the world at their fingertips? It was probably a recipe for disaster and if JC was the only one standing in their way, acting like a father like he usually does, he would get steamrolled time and time again. “No worries,” I said while slowly cracking my knuckles. “I’ll make sure they stay out of trouble.” I winked and added, “By any means necessary.”

“Why have a bodyguard? You’re intimidating yourself, and you’d be so unsuspecting,” Johnny joked.

“Hey, I’m five-foot-two of pure terror!”

“More like five-foot-two of cuteness,” Joey corrected me. A split second later he had my cheek in between his finger and thumb and began pinching it while pulling my skin as far as it could go.

“Leh go of mah face!” I said while trying to slap his hands away from me. “I’m not six!”

“You’re still as cute as a button,” he responded while ruffling my hair. Growling I smoothed it back into place while the others laughed.

“Alright, let’s go before we have to pay for the blood stains on the carpet,” Johnny said while waving his arm to usher us down the hall. I pointed my fingers at my eyes and then at Joey who stuck out his tongue in response.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Was it possible to be torture by the sound of a clock? I felt like I was slowly going insane. I thought radio stations were supposed to be noisy and lively but around here it was almost like someone died. It was too quiet!

Sighing I shifted my position on the chair I was sitting in so I stretched out along the seats beside me and looked at my watch again. Only five minutes had gone by since the last time I looked at my watch but it felt like forever. How did I have fun being a tag along before. This was so dull. I almost miss being really busy.

Almost.

Reaching down into my bag I grabbed the newest issue of YM, grinning when I noticed that Leonardo DiCaprio was on the cover. It was a very good picture of him too, not that any of them made him look bad. That was practically impossible with his genes. He had the perfect smoldering look on his cover which went along with the headline “Get intimate with Leo!”.

Yes please.

“Why must you be so much older than me?” I growled in frustration while turning a page on the article only to get another page long poster of his handsome face. “Life’s just not fair sometimes.”

“Erm…do you always talk to yourself? Not that talking to the magazine would be that much better, now that I think of it.”

I lowered the magazine, sadly tearing my gaze away from Leo’s, to see a guy chuckling as he leaned over the receptionist’s desk. He picked up the wastebasket and dumped the contents into a larger bin that had wheels on the bottom.

“No, this only happens when I’m really bored,” I responded while closing the magazine and then I put it down.

“Waiting on someone?” He asked.

“Just my friends,” I said and sat up straight. “They’re being interviewed right now.”

“Oh, so they must be a big deal.”

“Kind of. Ever hear of *NSYNC?”

Not that I really expected him to. Their fanbase, while steadily growing, was still 99.9% girls. Young girls at that. Having a male in the audience that wasn’t a father was a rare sight. But, surprisingly, he nodded.

“Yeah, my sister loves ‘em,” he chuckled. “Won’t let anyone touch the radio dial if one of their songs comes on. Man she’d die if she knew they were here.”

“Is that why you’re working here, erm”—I squinted to read his nametag—“John?”

“No, though it does have its perks,” he replied. “This is to help pay for college. But for now it’s to get some extra money to take my sister to a show.”

“Huh,” I hummed while tapping my chin. “*NSYNC by any chance? They’re playing tonight, you know. You didn’t get a ticket in time?”

He shook his head. “They sold out fast. Canada loves it’s pop music apparently.”

“Apparently.” I leaned over in my seat to look down the hall. Johnny was standing on the otherside of the wall where the guys were being interviewed on 6x 106.9 FM. My eyes shifted to John, back to Johnny, and then to John again. “Do you want to go?” I asked. John blinked at me. “To the show. Do you and your sister want to go?”

John’s eyebrows lifted. “Well, of course. My sister would love it but—“

“Well good,” I interrupted him. “’Cause I can get you two tickets for tonight. Good seats too.”

His mouth fell open. “R-really? I mean, I don’t want to put you out of your way.”

I held up my hand. “It’s no big deal. Just come to the venue and I’ll have everything else sorted out.”

“Wow. Thanks so much. Uhm, how much are they?”

“Free of charge.” At the expression on his face I continued, “Y’see, to get more attendance I can give away tickets if we have any extras. But don’t tell anyone! It’s a closely guarded secret, I don’t give ‘em out to just everyone, you know.”

“I won’t. Oh gosh, my sister is going to flip out.”

I grinned. “And you’ll be seen as the best big brother ever. It’s a win-win, I’d say.”

He almost dropped the wastebasket in excitement. “Thanks again. This means a lot.”

“Again, no problem. Do you have a SkyTel or a number where I can reach you?” I asked while taking mine out of my pocket. I had begun punching in the number as he relayed it when a bottle of diet coke suddenly filled my vision. “Justin, you’re getting condensation on my screen.” I grumbled while pushing the bottle out of the way.

“No big deal, I can buy you a new one,” he responded. I looked up from the screen and gave him a hard look. He shrugged and turned his attention to John. “Did you need something or…?”

I slapped his arm. “Don’t be rude,” I scolded. “This is John. His sister is a fan of yours; I was getting his number to give him some tickets for tonight’s show so he could take her.”

“Sister, huh?” He hummed. My eyebrows lowered at his tone. It was almost as if he didn’t believe me. “Well, I hope she enjoys the show. It should be a really good time.”

“Uh, right,” John responded. After putting in his number I quickly jotted mine down and handed it over to him. “Thanks. I’ll see you later then. And thanks again.”

“Stop thanking me,” I laughed. “Just enjoy the show, yeah?” I waved to him as he left to get back to work and then rounded on Justin as soon as John was gone. “What was that about?” I demanded while lifting my eyebrows.

“What?” He asked innocently while looping an arm around my waist. Then he kissed the side of my head.

“You know what,” I replied. “You were practically jumping down his throat.”

He shrugged. “I just think it’s convenient—“

“That he has a little sister?” I rolled my eyes. “People do have siblings you know. I wasn’t just randomly giving him my number. Not that it would be any of your business if I were.”

“How old is he?” He asked.

I baked out of his grasp. “I dunno, twenty? He said he’s in college so—“

He scoffed. “Oh I’m sure all he wanted was a ticket from you.”

“Oh gimmie a break!”

“Don’t be so naïve.”

“Don’t be so stupid!” I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest. “You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?” He demanded. I could see his neck slowly turning red, which meant he was trying hard to suppress some sort of anger. I wish he’d just come out with it, trying to hide something from me was stupid.

“Acting like a jealous boyfriend,” I explained. “You did the same thing when Trace and I went on that one disaster of a date two years ago. A disaster because of you, might I add.”

“Please,” he scoffed. “I knew from the get go you two wouldn’t work out. You get on each other’s nerves too much.”

I held up my hand. “Regardless, I can take care of myself. Hell, I just went on tour without you and I came back fine.”

“If you call having a disorder fine.”

I glared. “Don’t you dare throw that in my face,” I growled. “You don’t understand anything about it so shut up!”

“Hey! Itchy, Scratchy, put down the claws,” Johnny spoke up. Justin and I broke eye contact to see the others coming towards us. “What’s going on, guys?” He asked. We glanced at each other but didn’t say a word. “Nothing at all?” He prompted.

“Nope,” Justin said while holding out my bottle.

“Whatever,” I grumbled.

“No, no, no! Lance you’re too far over and you’re still a half beat behind! JC, perk it down. Chris, perk it up. And Joey, please stop making those faces!” I called out while rubbing my temples. “This is the seventh time I had to stop you. Usually you only need one correction. Get it together!”

“Hey, why don’t you cool down a bit?” Johnny asked while touching my arm. “They’re doing their best.”

I scoffed. “This isn’t their best. I’ve seen their best. They’re slacking, that’s what they’re doing.”

“Hey, we’re not all trained dancers since we could walk!” JC called over from the stage. He was pinching the front of his shirt and pulling it away from his skin to give himself some air. “Lighten up a bit, will ya?”

“If I lighten up you’ll be on the fast track to becoming the next E-Male,” I responded.

“Who?” Joey asked.

“Exactly!”

Johnny sighed. “Boys, run through it once more and then you can take a break, alright. And Lance, please do your best and stay on beat.” He glanced at me. “She does have a point.”

“Kid, why don’t you run through the routine you’re making for the competition?” Liam asked me. “In the hall so you’ll have more space.”

I sniffed. “Might as well just throw me out,” I said and then walked out of the dance studio, making sure not to lock eyes with any of them.

I exhaled a long, slow breath and paced the hallway a few times to try and let go of the anger that was bouncing around inside of me, of which was slowly being replaced with guilt. I shouldn’t have yelled at them all. Well, it wasn’t truly out of the ordinary when they weren’t getting the choreography right but still. I was mad at Justin, not them. A little bit at Joey for his crack this morning but more so Justin than anyone.

I let out a little laugh when it dawned on me that I wasn’t even too mad at JC anymore. What he did was crappy but maybe he had a point...

I placed my headphones over my ears and turned on the walkman that I had attached to my waistband. The guitar intro started, wrapped around a few beat pulses before the song kicked in and I let my body move through the specific movements I had mapped out in my head. The song I had chosen was a song I had recorded but haven’t released yet called Jumping Inside. It’s a catchy pop song with guitars overtop of it that I really enjoyed performing on the mini stint I had with BSB.

I'm spinning circles and I can't deny
Floating on your love like a butterfly
Got me jumping inside thinking about you
No secrets, no games to play
It's all right, it's okay I never felt this way
Got me jumping inside thinking about you

I lip-synched through the song while counting in my head to stay on beat and make sure the moves were right for the song and for the little kids. I tried not to focus on my breathing and just on performing the moves. I would’ve liked it better had I had a wall of mirrors in front of me but there was no way you could get better if you were constantly watching yourself.

At the sudden weight of a hand on my shoulder, I dropped it and moved out the way. Sweat trickled down my face and neck as I tried to get my breathing back to normal and glared at the culprits. “Will you people stop touching me?” I demanded.

“That could be so bad taken out of context,” Joey said with a little laugh. I crossed my arms over my chest. “Okay, you’re not in a jokey mood.”

I took in a breath. “What do you want?” I asked while breathing back out, feeling my heart beats starting to slow.

“We wanted to talk,” Lance replied.

“About what?”

Stupid question, I already knew what he was going to say.

“About you,” he voiced my suspicions. “Please sit with us. We just want to talk, that’s all.” He held out his hand to me. I hesitated for a moment but eventually grasped his hand and let him and Joey walk me over to a room that had a couch and a few chairs in it. Lance sat down next to me on the couch and Joey sat in the chair, looking at us both.

I shifted my position on the couch, not wanting to sit back fully only to feel my wet shirt against my back. I brought a leg up onto the couch, pulling it close to my body and began to mess with my shoelaces. They didn’t say anything for a moment, which began to work on my nerves. Unless that was their plan. It’d be a damn good one.

My lips began to twitch as my mouth filled with questions. I pressed them together, tight so nothing would come out. If they wanted to talk they’d be the ones talking first. If it were me I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t bite their ears off. I hated this game. Them walking on eggshells around me. Yeah, it was mainly my fault but I’d rather they slap me in the face with whatever it was they were going to say than be quiet about it and wait. For what, I don’t know. I just hated the waiting.

“Okay I’m just going to say this bad attitude has gotta stop,” Joey spoke up first. I grunted. “The rest of us haven’t done anything so we don’t deserve it. You being harsh while looking over our choreography was normal but you’re making us feel like pack mules.”

“Pack mules?” I repeated incredulously.

“You know what I mean.”

“We just want to know what it is that’s gotten you so angry. You didn’t used to be like this while around us. It makes us want to know if we did anything,” Lance jumped in. “I know the whole e-mail thing rubbed you the wrong way. But…we’re concerned about you and Justin.”

“What is this, an intervention?” I demanded.

“No, we just want to get to the bottom of this. You guys seemed fine yesterday and…well, we just want to know something.”

I rested my forehead on my palm and looked at him underneath my eyelashes. “What?”

Lance and Joey exchanged a look before Joey finally blurted out, “Have you two had sex?”

I wanted to laugh and make a sound of disgust at the same time. I looked back and forth between them. Were they high? Or just that crazy? Not just with the idea of me having sex in general but with Justin. Ew. Double ew. “Wha—I—No!” I finally spluttered. “Gosh, don’t give me bad mental images.”

“Everything was fine with you guys just yesterday,” Joey said slowly. “And now you’re at each other’s throats. I’ve seen this happen before. If you have you can tell us.”

“We didn’t have sex, Joey,” I said firmly.

“Are you still a virgin?”

“Joey!”

“We just don’t want you jumping into something you’re not ready for,” Lance jumped in once more. “Having sex is a very important decision, one of which that should be thought through long and hard before anything even happens and—“

“You guys have given me the sex talk before, remember?” I interrupted him. “You showed me how to put a condom on a banana and all that stuff. Heck I even…” I quickly stopped my thoughts from racing back a few years in the past and shook my head while feeling my cheeks burn. Clearing my throat I continued, “I know everything I need to know. I’m not having sex in any way, shape, or form. That’s not the problem.”

“Then what is the problem?” Joey prompted.

I took in a deep breath, my body swelling from the action, and I let it out. “I don’t want you all to worry about it,” I explained. “It’s our problem.”

“Yeah…but when your problem affects us it becomes our problem,” Lance explained. “We’re all friends; we can get through whatever’s the problem.”

“You…all are the problem.” The words forced their way out of my throat before I could stop them. My heart fell at the stunned look on Joey’s face and the hurt one on Lance’s. They didn’t say anything. I untied and retired my shoelace a few times. “Look,” I started. “Sometimes I feel like you all don’t understand that I’m sixteen years old. You…treat me like a child or like I can’t do anything by myself when I’m perfectly capable and it’s very…frustrating. Like today I was talking to this guy to get tickets to your show and Justin reacted as if he wanted to get into my pants so we fought about that.”

Joey rubbed his chin. “There has to be more to it than that,” he said slowly.

There was. But how was I supposed to explain to him about the situation Justin and I were in now. “Oh yeah, Justin and I kind of made out last night and now I think he thinks we’re dating and I don’t want to date him and I regret it and now everything’s weird between us.” That would go over like a lead balloon.

“Other than the JC thing, no,” I said with a shake of my head. “I’m stressed beyond belief, having to shove shows and choreography gigs in this week and I’m just so tired. Not that they’re good excuses but…I’m still young, y’know. The constant comments about being ‘cute’ and all…I don’t want to be ‘cute’ anymore. I want people to take me seriously and know that I have the ability to take control of things that I need to. I just need some space to do that.”

Lance, who hadn’t said a word, was nodding slowly. I sighed again (I was doing that a lot today) and felt my shoulders drop, suddenly feeling lighter than I had before, just like my chest. Lance leaned forward and took my hands in his and gave them a small squeeze. “We’re just looking out for you. No, don’t interrupt me, I have to say this. We love you to death. You’re like our little sister. Sometimes we’d just rather you not have to learn lessons the hard way and block you from them altogether. I think that’s why JC did what he did. Ina way he was trying to protect you both from growing up. But that’s all, we want to protect you from…well, everything that we can. And we will if it’s in our power. We do recognize that you have to learn lessons on your own but understand that we care about you. A lot. We know we frustrate you sometimes. Hell, you frustrate us a lot as well but we’re growing up together and it’s going to take some time for us to get used to it all. So please, bear with us okay? We’ll bear with you. Deal?”

“Deal,” I replied. Hey, it was hard to argue with Lance. Especially when he was right. He had a certain way of explaining things to you that you can’t miss his point, no matter how much you want to ignore it.

“Okay, now give me a hug,” he ordered. Chuckling I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed tight, laughing again when Joey jumped in and said he didn’t want to be left out. “Being a teen is tough but know that you have five guys to help you through, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Now, I think you have someone else you need to talk to.”

I pouted at him and he gave me his best stern face. “Fine,” I uttered begrudgingly and got off the couch. I walked slowly. I was in no rush to go and talk to JC. Lance had a point, we were going to be on tour for a bit and it was better to be on good terms than bad ones the entire time but still. He crossed the line, good intentions or not and I was determined to make him understand that.

Opening the door of the dance studio I stuck my head in and looked around. “Hey JC, can I talk to you for a second?” I called out. He looked up from where he was sitting on the floor and then got to his feet. I backed out of the way of the door and loosely crossed my arms over my chest waiting for him to join me in the hall. I bit down on my lip when he came out and the door closed behind me. “Look, I’m just going to cut to the chase, I don’t like that you impersonated us after I trusted you with the passwords to my stuff…but after talking to Lance I think I got a better idea of why you did it. You were in the wrong, of course, but I get it. I’ve been friends with him for years; I can handle whatever happens between us. I get that you want to protect us but please let us work through our problems on our own. If I need help I’ll come to you.”

He scratched at the back of his head. “Okay,” he finally replied.”I’m sorry I betrayed your trust, both of you. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t think about how you two would react, I thought I was helping you see how much you depend on each other and how it could be…impeding to you two and your growth. But I see how I was wrong, because I hurt you both regardless and now you’re at each other’s throats—”

I waved my hand. “That’s just how we are. We get on each other’s nerves as much as we love each other. It’s our thing. Just like how you drive me up the wall and I give you premature gray hairs.” I cracked a smile which he returned.

“So, does that mean you forgive me?”

I shrugged. “Yeahhhh, I guesss,” I dragged out, feeling a smile tug at the corners of my mouth. He grinned in return. “Now, shouldn’t you go back in there?”

“We have a few more minutes and I was going to give Bobbie a call real fast.”

I had to work hard to keep from making a face at him. As soon as he turned to walk down the hall I stuck my tongue out at his back. He couldn’t even go one day without mentioning her. Pathetic.

“Um…are you still mad at me?” Justin asked as he walked out of the room. It was then that I noticed how small the hallway was. His presence alone filled up most of it. I shrugged. “It’s just going to take a bit for me to get used to the idea that guys will look at you, okay?”

I scoffed. “Thanks for that,” I mumbled sarcastically.

“I’m saying you’re pretty.”

“You could’ve just said that,” I said while poking his chest. “It won’t kill you. And you don’t see me getting bent out of shape or possessive when girls look at you. I’m suddenly starting to see the double-standard in this friendship.”

“Okay, I’ll stop, I promise. Just stop being mad at me, please,” he whined.

“Only because you know I can’t stay mad at that face,” I responded.

He grinned. “Good,” he stated simply, swooped down, and kissed me. Like before, it caught me by surprise but this time I found myself smiling into the kiss.  He pulled away and kissed my forehead. I smiled and took his hand.

This simplicity I could get used to.

April 17th, 1998
London, Ontario, Canada

Have you ever had that moment in your life where you could perfectly pinpoint when it changed? Yes? Good, because I can do that as well. It changed exactly two days ago and I’m still trying to figure out if it changed it in a good way or a bad way.

Well, the good is that Justin and I are getting along again. Much more than before, really. There is no tension which eased some weight off of my shoulders. I really didn’t need the added on stress from trying to get him to understand why I was mad at him or when I had to carefully choose my words so as not to get him mad.

Now, the other side is that ever since this whole…arrangement started he’s always by my side. And it’s only been one day. He’s constantly offering help. Giving me attention. Spending all of his time with me when he’s not working. Well, actually that’s not a bad thing. I did miss getting to be able to hang out with each other, after all. But when it came to having to do my homework it was hard to concentrate when someone kept trying to stick their tongue down your throat.

And as much as I hated working on history homework I had to focus on it and he wasn’t helping.

“Who wrote the Magna Carta?” I asked the next morning while tapping a pen against my chin. Better than against my paper, it was already littered with pen dots. And who’s to say how the pages of the book my paper sat on looked? Those that prefer books in pristine conditions at all times would not like me at the moment.

“Don’t know,” Justin mumbled in response. “I really don’t care either.” He gave a little yawn and propped his cheek on his palm, his elbow creating a small dent in the pillow. “Haven’t you done enough homework?” He asked.

I shook my head. “No,” I responded, turning my attention back to the book. “I have to get it all done this morning.”

“Why?” He asked. Well, whined. It sounded more like a whine.

“Because I have a test at the end of the week and I can’t fail this one.”

Out of the corner of my eye I watched as he pursed his lips. “Just get Lance to tutor you again.”

“Sorry, J. no can do.”

“Get JC to help.”

“I can’t do that either.”

He heaved a sigh. “Mack-ieeeeeeeeee.”

Dropping my pen I began to rub at my temples. “I don’t think you understand how important today is. I’ve done a lot of crazy stuff in my life but teaching kids a new dance in the span of”—I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand—“four hours which is to be performed tonight is the craziest. I have to get all of my stuff done this morning and I can’t have you distracting me.”

A hurt expression crossed his face but I didn’t buy it. Instead I squinted at him, almost daring him to speak. “I was just going to ask you a question.”

I sighed. “What, J?”

“Can I have a kiss?”

It was such a simple question. But it was a loaded question. One that caught me off guard. I almost pulled a face at him but regained my composure in the blink of an eye. “You have horrible halitosis in the morning,” I responded, shaking my head and turning my attention back to my paper. “Besides, you guys need to be out of here in about an hour. You’d better wash up. And don’t take too long, I need to shower too.”

He tossed the covers off of himself and sat up on the edge of the bed. His back muscles stretched and rippled beneath his skin as he lifted his arms straight into the air. “Why don’t you shower with me? It’d save water.”

I scoffed at his gall. “Justin—“

“Not like we haven’t bathed together before.”

Why the hell was he pushing this issue? This ridiculous issue. “A) We were kids, it didn’t matter back then. And 2) you’re stalling. I don’t care if you want to go around smelling like a sweat sock for the rest of the day but I’m sure your fans will care.”

“I smell like a rose, thank you!” He threw the pillow at me. I used my book to deflect it and stuck my tongue out at him, trying my hardest not to openly stare at his chest. It was more defined from what I remember. He actually had some muscles on him. His abs were perfectly sculpted, almost as if Adonis himself chiseled them in…

Damn, when’d he get hot?

“Hey Mack?”

I flinched. My eyes shot up to his face only for his expression to confuse me. He was looking at me intently, his bottom lip held between his teeth. He looked…nervous. But about what? There wasn’t anything he couldn’t ask me, nothing we couldn’t talk about. I studied his face, tried to read his mind somehow but nothing came out. I lifted my hand and rolled my wrist a bit, signaling for him to continue with whatever it was he wanted to ask.

It couldn’t really be that—

“Have you ever had sex?” He blurted out.

—important.

Wait, what?

Did he just ask what I think he did? One look at his face confirmed it. Yep. He just asked me if I had sex before. My pen began to tap rapidly against the paper again, but I couldn’t control it this time. Kind of like when you have your foot resting on the ground in a certain way your foot beans to bounce. Only I was worried that, somehow, the pen was going to bounce out of my hand and lodge itself into his jugular in my surprise.

Clearing my throat I finally replied, “Not all of us jump in the sack with someone we claim to be in love with when we’re fourteen, J.”

He made a scoffing sound. He probably rolled his eyes as well. I didn’t want to risk looking up, looking at his face, into his eyes. That would not be a smart idea at all. Because then we’d actually have to have this conversation and I couldn’t be sarcastic or jokey about it.

We’d actually have to talk.

“Is that a yes or a no?” He asked.

I sighed, feeling y shoulders lift and drop with how deep I breathed. “No, J. I haven’t had sex.” There, no big deal. It’s the truth. Nothing to hide. Next subject, please.

“Not even with Nick?”

My pen stopped tapping and I stared hard at the text on my paper. It was starting to blur and dance around. I blinked and they settled back onto the page again. My palm flooded with sweat. The pen began to slip between my fingers.

I hadn’t thought of Nick in days, why was his name still giving me this reaction? Being jerked around by him was humiliating enough but to relive it when I hear his name? I gave my head a small shake, hoping to erase his picture from my mind like an Etch-a-Sketch.

“No,” I finally replied. “Not even with Nick.” To lighten the sudden stifling air I added, “Nor Joey, JC, Lance, Chris, the rest of the Backstreet Boys, or Trace. I’m…” I hesitated but then sighed, “I’m still a virgin.”

My cheeks burned. Why was this so embarrassing? It’s not as if it were a secret. Granted, I didn’t shout that information out to the heavens but… I wish he would stop looking at me in that way.

“Why?” I asked.

He blinked and rubbed the back of his neck. “Just curious,” he mumbled. I watched as he went around and gathered clean clothes from his suitcase and then shut the bathroom door behind himself.

Weird.

“Hey Brit, how’s Sweden?”

I balanced my phone against my ear and shoulder and reached out for the nearest box of pads that sat on the shelf in front of me. I glanced at the quantity that was printed on the box and then at the absorbency level. Making a small face I put it back.

“It’s amazing!” Britney drawled. Her thick accent made me smile. “We’re getting a lot of songs done. I still can’t believe this is happening.”

“Hey, if anyone deserves this it’s you. You have a great voice, after all.”

“Aww, thanks.” A sigh came through the phone. “I can’t believe we’re winding down already. I still feel like this is a dream.”

“A dream you’ve worked hard to achieve, girlie,” I reminded her, moving down the aisle. The pharmacy worker at the front glanced up at me and then looked back down as I walked around and scanned the shelves with my eyes.

Almost as soon as Justin got out of the shower it was the boys’ call time for the day to get down to the lobby and get their day started.  Thankfully. I didn’t know what to say to him. What else could you talk about after a conversation like that? Condoms?

I took my time getting my shower in, ate some breakfast, watched some TV, and then my own day started. I was supposed to be at the city’s dance studio but I convinced Liam to let me into the pharmacy to pick up some things first.

“Do we get to hear a snippet or anything?” I asked.

“Sorry. It’s confidential.” I could almost see the sparkle of amusement in her eye. “You’ll have to wait just like everyone else.”

“Bitch,” I uttered in a tone that wasn’t to be taken seriously.

She laughed. “So what’s been going on on your end? How’re the boys? JC? Justin?”

“They’re doing well,” I relayed, picking up a package of Epsom salt. “They’re still running, which is surprising to me to be honest. They haven’t asked for a break or anything yet. They just keep on going and going. I guess it’s because they know that if they slow down even a little there’s a chance they won’t ever gain their momentum back. I have to commend them for their drive.”

“That’s good, that’s good. Their music is played a lot over here. Almost once every other hour. People love them. If we had to take a poll I’d say Justin’s their favorite.”

My eyes flitted to the ceiling. “That doesn’t surprise me.”

“So, um…how is he doing?”

I shrugged and then remembered a moment later that she couldn’t see it. “He’s alright as far as I can tell. Has the same energy as before, if not heightened from the fan fare. He’s still a goofball. I think he’s getting a bit homesick but that’s expected, right?”

“Right, right.” She cleared her throat. I could hear a drumming sound in the background. Her nails? “Has he, er…do you know if he… That is to say… Do you know—“

“Brit,” I interrupted her. “Don’t tell me you’re still into him.”

“…Maybe.”

“Brit, still? It’s been, what, four years since MMC? Did that kiss really mean that much to you? I mean really? You were twelve!”

“It was the best kiss of my life!” She swooned. I stuck out my tongue. “He’s just so…cute.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. A moment later I realized what I had just said and quickly covered with, “I mean…if you’re into him.” I squeezed my eyes shut.

Lame. You’re so lame.

“I just wish we could talk again. I miss talking to him. And playing basketball.”

A scoff fell from my mouth. “I guess JC’s chopped liver, then?”

She laughed softly. “I miss him as well, of course. Just—“

“Not as much as Justin, I get it.” Oops. Didn’t mean for so much bite to come in my words. I was having an off morning. Yeah, that’s it. An off morning. “Hey, sorry, but I have to go. I have an obligation I need to fulfill.”

“I understand. I’ll call you later whenever I can. If not I’ll just e-mail you. Keep me posted on what you’re doin’, alright?”

“Will do, bye.”

I quickly ended the call and let out a breath. Squeezing my eyes shut I gave my head a shake. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Britney can like whomever she wants. Justin can date whomever he wants. I shouldn’t be in the way of any of that.

But I just put myself in the way.

“Idiot,” I grunted and punched myself in the thigh. Uttering another sigh I walked to the front and set the basket down on the counter. Reaching into my back pocket I began to pull out my wallet when the small display of condoms caught my eye. Who knew there were so many?

There were different sizes (S, M, L, XL), different styles (ribbed vs plain), different colors (red, blue, green, purple, orange, pink, black, yellow, glow in the dark even!), and some even came pre-lubricated. It made my head spin, seeing all of the options there in plain sight.

“Excuse me, miss? Is this all for you?”

I blinked and looked over at the cashier. His eyebrows were raised and his hand hovered above a button on his cash register.

“Oh, um,”  I stammered when I realized he had scanned all of my items. On impulse I reached out and grabbed a condom box and tossed it down onto the counter. “And these…please…” I mumbled. He rung it up and my eyes shifted around the store. Was I being watched? Just to be sure I shook my head, successfully making my hair fall into my face.

“That’ll be 17.78, miss.”

I slapped a twenty-dollar note down, muttering “keep the change” before dashing out of pharmacy and into the car that waited for me.

“That took some time,” Liam noted as I jumped into the car. He watched as I yanked on my seatbelt and slumped against the cushion. “Find everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Sorry about that, I got a bit distracted by the candy.”

As he started to go off on a tangent about needing to eat healthy I made sure the condom box was hidden from view.

“And turn and fan kick and run, run, run, and—scissor leap! Good! Big finish, big finish, and pose! Perfect!”

Setting my water bottle down on the floor I jumped up and began applauding. The little girls came down from their poses, panting, but smiling all the while. Their rosy faces were badges of achievement and all of the hard work they shoved into the past three hours.

“You girls are doing so well,” I gushed as I looked over at them all. “I’m so proud of you. Not only for taking time out of your day but for sticking to your commitment and not giving up as the time dragged on. It’s worth it in the end, you girls look amazing.”

“Thank you,” they chorused.

“Okay, how about we take a break? Get some food in you, get your fittings in, and then we can try a few more times to be sure it, well, wasn’t a fluke!” I suggested, laughing a little. The girls giggled and broke off into little groups, moving to the edge of the studio to get to their bags, talking all the while.

I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. It reminded me of my competition days when I was younger. Of course I never had to learn anything in such a short period of time but seeing their beams of pride, hearing their shouts of excitement brought it all back.

The feeling of flying while dancing. The adrenaline rush. The beats of the music deep in my bones. The music awakening my body.

It was heaven, plain and simple.

Going over to my own gym bag I picked up my SkyTel which had a message shifting across the screen. Frowning slightly I stood up fully, squinting at the screen. Just then the costume lady came in through the door and I had to stumble to avoid her, almost tripping over my bag in the process.

She threw an apology over her shoulder before she was bombarded by the excited girls. I lifted my hand in response and then reached for my phone. My thumbs shook slightly as I typed in a familiar, yet hardly used number. I lifted my phone to my ear and began to pace a bit, listening to the dial tone on the other end.

“Hello?”

“What’s going on?” I asked as soon as he picked up. “You said to call?”

“Yeah, thanks for responding so quickly. It’s important.”

“Well I should hope so with you saying I needed to call you back ASAP.” I sat down on the armrest of the couch. “So what is it?”

“Don’t freak out.”

I made a face at the phone. “Why would I freak out? Unless this is about someone dying or someone who has died.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s about…well, it’s about Lou.”

My blood ran cold. Every other sound I the room muted. My breathing came out sounding like Darth Vader’s. My hand began to shake, so much so that I had to move my phone to my other ear. “What is it?” I managed asked, pushing my hair behind my ear.

“There’s something weird going on on his end. We don’t know what it is exactly but it has to do with finances. We’re not too savvy about it but we know that some money is missing.”

I swallowed. “And you think he has something to do with it?”

“I know he has something to do with it. He’s the only one on our team that knows anything about handling money. And like blind fools we gave him all of this trust with it.” He paused. “We know we deserve more than we’re getting. Something fishy is going on, like I said, but we don’t know what it is just yet.”

“You think he’s stealing from you?”

“I don’t even think it’s stealing, he’s not hiding it. It’s almost as if this is plain information. Like we should have expected this.” He sighed. “Look, I don’t have much time. I’m only calling to warn you.”

“Warn me?”

“Yeah. Get your guys to take a close look at their monies and everything. They may not believe you because of the source but…I don’t want something bad to happen to them.”

“The rest of your group isn’t exactly fond of mine,” I pointed out. “So what’s it matter what happens to them?”

“Well, you get directly paid from them don’t you? I don’t want you to suffer because they’re suffering. It’s not really fair.” There was a scuffling sound on the line. “Look, I have to go now. Just try to warn them or take a look yourself or bring it up to Johnny. The sooner the better, okay?”

“Okay,” I sighed. “I’ll do it as soon as I get the chance.” Just then the door opened slightly. I looked up to see half of Chris’s face in the doorway. He swiveled his eye around in its socket and I had to bite down on my lip to keep from laughing. “I have to go, I’m sorry. Important dance stuff.”

“I understand. Thanks for hearing me out and not hanging up.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Oh, and Mack?”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say that I miss you…if that’s not too forward for me to say.”

I bit down on my bottom lip and sighed one more. “Goodbye, Nick,” I said and hung up my phone. I motioned for the guys to come in and I walked back over to my bag. “You’re just in time, the girls will be back any minute,” I addressed them. “How’d the interview go?”

“As well as interviews can go, I guess,” JC responded, giving me a hug. The others followed suit and began walking around the empty space. It didn’t take long for them to bust out some crazy moves in front of the mirror. “How’s it going here?” He asked.

“Really well. The girls picked u on the dance fast. I’m just worried about getting the costume alterations done on time and then getting to my acoustic show on time. They want me to watch but I don’t know if I’ll be able to.” Kneeling I tossed my phone into my bag and groaned when I noticed that, during my stumble, I knocked some contents out. I knelt and began to pick them up.

JC knelt beside me. “Maybe they could record it and you can see how they did,” he suggested, picking up some items and threw them back into the bag.

“Hopefully. I want to get a copy and show it to my grandparents. You know they don’t really get a chance to see what I come up with and showing them that would…really…”

My words died on my tongue. I had looked around to see why JC stopped picking things up only for some bile to rise up my throat. I had to swallow hard to get it to go back down. My mouth dried out when it registered in my mind what he was holding.

Time stood still.

“What’s this?” He finally asked, holding up the condom box. Any sarcastic retort I had died in my brain. “Are you having sex?” He paused and then asked, “Are you and Justin having sex?”

I wish a hole would open up in the ground and swallow me right about now.

The tapping of my finger became in sync—no pun intended—with the ticking clock on the wall. It had started out rapid at first but then the tempo changed the more agitated I became, which didn’t take a lot to get there recently. Which sucked. Here I am, back on tour with my best friends in the entire world and I’m annoyed with them. I should be happy. I should be having fun spending time with them and performing every now and then and getting rest, but no. it all had to go to shit.

And of course JC had to be the reason.

Sighing, I rolled my head back and looked over at the clock. Only two minutes had gone by. It felt like an eternity. I didn’t even know why he was so insistent on this stupid meeting. I mean, I knew why, when it all came down to it, but it wasn’t necessary. What I did or didn’t do in my life was my own business. I don’t see how he or any of the other guys had a say in it. But that’s what I got for being the unofficial little sister of the group. I didn’t have time for this! I had to, somehow, choreograph a dance completely in one day and prepare for my shows for the week. I wasn’t going to be in the proper headspace with this stupid meeting being called on.

I’m just glad JC had the sense not to make a big deal about it while at the studio and around the little kids. That would be hard to explain, what condoms were and why their visiting teacher had some in her bag. That wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have with their parents, let alone at all. Dance Moms are crazy.

I picked up the nearby remote and jabbed my thumb into the power button. The bright glow of the TV made me blink a couple of times before they adjusted. Then I flipped through the channels to see if anything as on. Of course there wasn’t anything on. Not even a good Hey Arnold! episode.

My boredom cure ended up turning into me playing a sort of bowling game with the miniature shower bottles from the bathroom. I was up for grabbing the spare when a rapid succession of knocks sounded on my door. The knocks of doom. Grumbling, I set aside the bar of soap that I had been using for the ball and answered the door.

“Boy am I so unhappy to see you,” I commented at the sight of the boys standing on the other side of my door. And as much as I didn’t want to have to deal with this I let ‘em all inside. Any way to get them to leave faster. “Can we speed this up, please? I’m in the middle of an intense frame.” I pointed to the discarded bottles on the floor and then sat on the edge of my bed, propping my chin up in my hands.

“Okay, so, we all know why we’re here,” JC spoke up, rubbing his hands together. It made me want to scoff. As if he had any right to be nervous about bringing this up when he was the one sticking his nose in my business in the first place. “We don’t want you to be embarrassed or anything it’s just…we want you to be safe.”

“Well obviously I am if I have condoms,” I replied. My eyebrows popped up at the way the boys seemed to flinch when I said the—apparently—dreaded C word. “Yeah, I said condoms. I’m not afraid to say the word, unlike you are.”

“What are you doing with them anyway?” Chris spoke up.

I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes. This whole “meeting” was beyond stupid if this was what it was going to be like. “Gee, Chris, I was going to use them for makeshift water balloons. Why do you think I have them?”

“I think you’re going to use them for makeshift water balloons because I know you’re not having sex,” he replied, crossing his arms. “You’re too young.”

“I’m sixteen,” I pointed out.

“Which is too young.”

I squinted. Surely that was the only way I was going to see the boys that I knew rather than this preaching bunch that stood before me. I looked from Chris to Lance to Joey to JC to Justin to see if any of them would give this up but they all looked me in the eye. Huh. I figured one of them would turn away but they were standing strong. I was fighting against a brick wall. I needed to try a different tactic.

“Look, people my age are having sex all the time. What does it matter if I’m taking precautions to be protected?” I asked. “I mean, just because I have them doesn’t mean I plan on jumping into the sack with the next person I see.”

“Have you even thought about this?” Lance spoke up. “Really thought about it,” he added before I could even say anything. “Thought about how you feel on the matter? About if you’re actually ready for it or not. There are feelings involved in it.”

I scoffed. “Whatever happened to friends with benefits?” I shifted my palms to rest on the bed behind me, propping myself up as I waited for an answer. I had to press my lips together to keep from smirking at them. There was no way they could get out of this one. I made sense, and that was the cut and dry of it.

“No matter how much it’s separated, there’s always feelings involved, Honeybee,” JC said quietly. My lips twitched at the nickname. I pressed my lips together even tighter to keep them in line. He had to play that card. “Your first time should be special and not something that’s just…wasted.”

My nostrils flared and I drummed my fingers against the bed. If they wanted to play that game and not listen to me, then that was their fault. Sitting up straight I pressed my palsm together and held them to my mouth as I regarded them for a moment before resting my eyes on JC. “Okay, listen to me carefully: I am not. Having sex,” I said slowly while holding JC’s gaze. “And even if I were, when I have my first time and who I have my first time with is none of your business! If I want to go and sleep with a stranger from the street I will. If I want to wait until after I’ve dated my significant other for a year, I will. If I don’t ever want to have sex, I will…er, I won’t.” I clicked my tongue and shook my head. “I appreciate your concern but I don’t need it.”

“What if you get pregnant?” Joey jumped in. The sudden question made me do a double take. I had been so focused on JC I almost forgot he was there.

“I won’t get pregnant,” I denied.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I’d be protected, duh.”

“Condoms don’t always work.”

“Trust Joe, he’d know all about them,” Chris cracked. Justin’s shoulders shook with a suppressed laugh of which stopped abruptly when JC cut his eyes at him. “Sorry,” Chris muttered once he realized he was also on the receiving end of JC’s glare.

“He’s right, though,” JC spoke up. “Condoms don’t always work.” Blah, blah, blah. If you wanna talk my ear off, JC, talk about something interesting. I turned my attention to a loose thread in the hem of my shirt and began tugging on it. “Joe’s right, they don’t always work in preventing pregnancy but they also don’t stop you from contracting some STDs and STIs as well.” Yeah yeah, STIs and STDs…wait, what!? I yanked the loose thread away from my shirt. It came off successfully and the tight material around my finger made it throb. “And what if you do get pregnant? What then? What about your dancing and your singing?”

“I’d…figure something out,” I replied, waving my hand, batting away his words. They didn’t mean anything. I wasn’t going to get pregnant. It probably wouldn’t even happen to me. It was just a ridiculous thought. Me getting pregnant. I shook my head, dislodging the silly thought that had had been implanted there. It was just…silly.

“We’re not talking to you about this to get on your nerves or to scare you,” Lance said. I blinked and looked up at him, taking in a deep breath and let it out through my nose. “You’re growing up and—”

“Oh my god, we’re not having the sex talk again are we? I was traumatized enough two years ago, I don’t need to hear it again,” I interrupted him, making a face. Only a second later did I realize that it was a bit of a moot comment, being that we kinda already were in the middle of a sex talk but I didn’t need the anatomy lessons again. I already had that seared in my memory, no matter how much I tried to push that whole Germany incident away.

“No, this isn’t a sex talk. This is just us saying that your body and your mind is still changing. Certain things will grab your interest and you may think you’re ready for some things when you might be ready for that, or think you are anyway…but not the consequences.”

“Why don’t we just get to the point?” Chris jumped in. He dropped his previously crossed arms to stand in front of me and look me in the eye. “We all wanna know but everyone else is being a chicken shit to ask, so I will: are you sleeping with him?” He asked, tilting his head in Justin’s direction.

“No, I’m not sleeping with Justin,” I replied, throwing in a good amount of scoff to make them feel foolish for the idea. Me and Justin. Sleeping together. Ha! We may be close but we weren’t that close. Just…kissing friends close. There was a huge difference.

“Good, you can do better,” Chris replied, smirking. “I mean look at that hair.”

“Fuck you, man,” Justin finally spoke up, holding his middle finger up in his direction.

“Hold the phone,” I said, holding up my finger. “The entire reason this whole…weird interrogation came up besides the fact that JC can’t keep his large nose out of my business—I mean, with a nose like that it’s really not all that surprising”—I ignored the look JC threw my way at my jab, but I didn’t care it made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing and I was getting a bit backed up without some sort of comment towards him and that couldn’t be good for my health—“is because you think we’re sleeping together?”

“Yeah,” Lance and Joey said in unison.

I couldn’t help it, I started laughing. Long and hard. Ugh, boys were so stupid some times. And the worst part about it was that they were my boys. And I loved my boys but God, do they grate on my nerves sometimes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, waving my hand only for my laughter to start again from how high pitched my voice was. “It’s just…how? You’ve been with him more than I have the past couple of months, how could we possibly be sleeping together?” I asked.

My question hung in the air as their expressions slowly changed and they looked at one another.  Joey clicked his tongue, scratched behind his ear and muttered, “Yeah…probably should have thought about that a little longerrrr,” he mused aloud.

“Ya think?” Justin asked dryly. “I told you nothing was going on.” He leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye to see him brush his thumb across his mouth and then press his lips together.

“Y’know, I gotta say, the hypocrisy about this whole thing is astounding,” I said, getting to my feet. “I mean, you’re all real winners. This one”—I jerked my thumb in Justin’s direction—“slept with Veronica when he was fourteen. Fourteen years old. That’s two years younger than me. This one”—I pointed at Joey—“well, let’s just say it’s no surprise that he likes girls a lot so there’s no sense in me pointing everything out. This one”—I turned my attention to Chris—“probably has some strange dungeon sex thing going on I don’t even want to know about. This one”—I swung my attention over to Lance and then faltered as I looked at him—“…okay, well, it’s Lance. He might be an exception. But you”—I turned my attention over to the instigator himself, JC Chasez—“you come off as all high and mighty but you’re hardly better than the rest of them. How old were you with your first time? Fifteen? Sixteen? OH, wait, maybe you waited for ‘the one’” I made finger quotes around the word and scoffed.

“Was it Nikki, Josh?” I continued, now standing in front of him. “Nikki fucking DeLoach that eeeeeveryone in the whole goddamn world was in love with? Was she The One, Josh? Was she the one that you took to bed to try and work that seemingly permanent stick out of your ass? Which obviously didn’t work.” I crossed my arms and squinted at him. The withering way JC looked back at me made my stomach clench and maybe I deserved it but I didn’t care at this point and neither did my mouth. “So…how was she? Was she good in bed? Did you fuck her brains out?”

“Dude…” Chris uttered, the first sound that broke the silence that had settled in the room.

JC parted his lips, swiped his tongue across the bottom, and pushed a harsh breath through his flared nostrils. “Are you really so stupid that you can’t see that we’re concerned about you?”

“Oh, so now I’m stupid?” I demanded.

“Yes!” JC shot back. The word smacked me across the face and held my tongue. I took a step back but he wasn’t done. “You are! To even think that having sex, especially now, is a good idea. You’re not mature enough for it, you’re under a lot of pressure, you’re stressed out, your parents are going through a tough time, your father’s sick—“

“Don’t you dare bring my daddy into this!” I hissed, interrupting him. “Don’t. You. Fucking. Dare.” A jab of my finger to his chest punctuated every word.

“The problem is that you don’t understand the magnitude of the choices you make because you only see this far in front of your face,” he continued, holding his hand a few inches away from his face. “I—we don’t want you getting hurt. We’re trying to protect you.”

“Yeah, and that’s what I’m trying to do with condoms! At the end of the day, it’s my body and I can use it how I want to!” I cried out, throwing my arms into the air. I grabbed at my hair and then let it slide through my fingers and dropped them by my side. “You know, I don’t think this is about me being young, I think this is about you not being able to accept the fact that I’m not the same little kid that followed you around on set. Newsflash: I grew up.”

“That’s the thing; you’re acting like you’re done with it. That you’re stuck, you’re sediment. You’re not,” JC replied. “You’re still a blank canvas, anything and everything will shape and leave marks on you no matter what you do or say to combat that all we want is for you to like the picture at the end. That’s all.” He sighed. “When you’re ready to actually talk we’ll be around. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but we love and care about you and only want what’s best and what you deserve.”

“Yeah, whatever,” I grumbled, dropping back down onto my bed, feeling all my previous anger-induced energy get sapped from my body. One by one the boys got up to leave the room. Joey paused to mutter “Next time you want condoms, just come to me, I got you covered” and then followed Chris and JC out. Lance paused to give me a hug but then he followed the rest of the guys out. I stopped Justin at the door  and he let it close with a click, sealing us in the quiet room.

“Look, I’m sorry about that. Had I known…once I found out I tried to talk them out of it,” Justin stammered, rubbing his palms together. “It wasn’t cool.”

I shrugged. “What else do you expect from JC, eh?” I replied.

“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s just…were those…why did you buy them?”

I snorted. “Really? Were you absent for that spectacle?” I asked, waving my arms to motion to the space of the room. He merely shrugged his shoulders. I sucked in a deep breath, let it out, pushed a hand through my hair, looked him in the eye and said as calmly as possible, “May as well cut to the chase then: they think we’re doing it anyway, so I think we should have sex.”

April 18th 1998
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

I wish people would stop trying to talk to me. I said all I wanted to say last night but no, it’s not enough for them. Well too damn bad for them because it’s enough for me! I just want to get through with this break—if I can even call it that with Liam setting things up for me—and get home so I can see Dad again. I want to talk to him so bad, to just hug him and sit with him and let him swoop in and fix everything. But I know, deep down, there’s no way he can fix my shit if he can’t even be fixed.

I don’t know if the chemo or whatever routine he’s going through is working. I don’t know a lot about what’s going on with my dad because I’m not there. And whenever I call he doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t like to talk about it. Not that I blame him. I mean, if I were sick I wouldn’t want people constantly talking to me about my illness. I would rather they not talk to me about the weather either but I would like to be treated normally.

Not like I am now. Not that I can compare my situation with my dad’s but still. It’s hard not to notice that we’re off. Lance, Joey, and Chris I’m fine with. But even a blind person could tell that there was an elephant stuck in between JC and Justin and me. That was only when I was in the same room as them, anyway. I did my best to put space between us all but it was kinda hard to avoid them when I was stuck on a bus with them on our way to Toronto. They had a show and I did as well but this morning we were on our way to a radio station so I could do an interview with them. It was the first morning break they had in a while, apparently. It was a break I needed away from them.

Another yawn grabbed my body and gave it a good shake as I pushed it out. I rubbed at my tired, burning eyes and tried to focus on what Liam was saying but everything sounded as my head was submerged in water. I guess anger can do that to people. Mute everything else except for the roaring rage inside you.

“Hey Rockstar, did you hear me?”

I blinked and Liam’s face smoothed out from my previous hazy vision. His eyebrows furrowed to the point it looked as if he had a unibrow. It would have been funny if I were in the mood to laugh. “Sorry, no,” I replied, shaking my head. “I heard this really loud humming noise. What were you saying?”

“I was talking about what song you were going to perform on air,” he replied.

“I thought I was going to do Pressure.”

“You are. But there may be time to squeeze in another one so you have to think about that.” He rubbed his chin. “Perhaps a more upbeat song?”

I cocked my head to the side. Liam was more see-through than a window. “You mean a love song?” I supplied. “Yeah, I’m not exactly in the mood to sing about love and relationships and all that crap. Sorry.” I shrugged and turned back to the microphone I had been adjusting. During the radio show I was going to perform a song live with Gabe and Lyric flanking me on acoustic guitars. I wanted to make sure that the microphones would pick everything up right instead of sitting around the green room with the others.

“Maybe singing it will put you in a good mood,” he offered. “You know, ‘fake it ‘til you make it’?”

Uh oh, my bullshit meter was going off. Blowing out a breath, I crossed my arms and turned to face him. Liam wasn’t that much older than me, in his late twenties I think. But standing in front of him like this, he appeared much older than he had before. I could almost see the little lines stretching their way around his eyes. “Did any of the guys talk to you?”

“They may have expressed some concerns, yes,” Liam replied. My body shook with how hard I huffed and if they weren’t attached to my retinas, my eyes probably would have rolled right out of my head. “Anyone could notice your bad mood, Rockstar. It’s just…you have to keep your image up. You don’t want to give off the wrong impression on air.”

“Noted,” I said while lifting my finger. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be the perfect little puppet once that sign goes on.” I pointed over to the ON AIR light that was currently turned off. “I know how to play the part.”

He clapped me on the shoulder and shook his head, as if he were wondering what was wrong with kids these days. “It’s a radio show. Have fun with it. Whatever issues you have with them, they’ll find a way to be worked out. They always do.” I blew a breath out of my mouth, wishing I could believe him but this time it wasn’t going to be that easy. They’d have to do a bit of groveling at my feet for all of this to be worked out.

Excusing myself to get a drink of water, I left the small room and did my best to navigate down the halls to the water fountain that we had passed on our way in but it was hard. It’s a radio station, it’s one room in a building! And yet it seemed to be placed in the middle of a maze. How can it be so hard to find water? I’d ask some of the workers but they all seemed super busy and I didn’t want to bother them with something so inconvenient.

Which only meant…

Ugh.

My eyes rolled in my head as my eyelashes fluttered in my distaste but I headed to the green room anyway. At least I knew where that was. I pushed open the door and all activity inside stopped as fire pairs of eyes swung over to look at me. It’d be a good scene in a horror movie if Joey hadn’t frozen with his finger up his nose and Chris looking as if he were about to stick his hand down his pants.

“…Do I want to know?” I asked.

“That depends,” Chris replied, “how long are you willing to wait for me to come up with an explanation? Because, let’s be honest, there’s no normal one for this.”

“That’s the story of your life, aint it?” I commented. He stuck his tongue out at me and backed away from Joey, keeping his hands up in plain sight. I made a face back at him and felt my lips pulling back in a smile but it fell as soon as chanced a look in JC’s and Justin’s direction. Turning away I muttered, “Do any of you know where the water  fountain is?”

“I’ll show you,” Lance offered, successfully stopping Justin who had just jumped to his feet. He closed the door behind him and I looped my arm with his. “It’s not that far. You didn’t ask anyone where it was?”

“They all looked busy. I didn’t want to bother them,” I replied.

“I see,” he said with a slow nod. My eyebrows furrowed and I stared at the side of his head. I didn’t like the way he said that. He made the two simple words sound like a novel.

“Lance,” I said, stretching the one syllable word as much as I could. “I know you want to say something, so whatever it is you can say it.” May as well get it over with.

“You know we care about you,” he stated. “You’re like our little sister. We don’t want anything to happen to you.” He patted my hand which held onto his arm and offered up a smile. “And like he said, we don’t want you rushing into anything you’re not ready for, that’s all. We’re not trying to be a drag. And we’ve noticed that you and Justin are closer than usual so—”

“So you automatically assume I’m sleeping with him,” I finished for him, nodding. I mean, it was understandable. Considering I did just ask Justin to sleep with me last night. Not that they have to worry or know about that.

“Right,” he said with a nod. “Doesn’t help that JC found condoms on you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Like I said before, he needs to keep his nose out of my business. I mean, really? How’s he acting like the victim here? He’s the one who sent that fake email to try and get Justin and I apart. He’s the one who’s treating me like a little kid. He’s the one who called me stupid. He’s the one who said I’m self-centered. He’s—”

“The one who was hurt by what you said,” Lance interrupted me. He stopped walking, forcing me to stop as well and I gazed up at him. “Mack, you were out of line last night. I understand you were mad and probably embarrassed but what you said to him wasn’t right.

What the hell!? When’d this turn around on me? I didn’t do anything wrong! I just…talked. And so maybe I was a teeny tiny bit harsh, so what? They know I can get like that sometimes. Especially with Know-It-All Chasez. If he didn’t push my buttons so much, I wouldn’t be like this around him. “Lance—”

“And I think I know why you said it,” he continued, stopping me from being able to finish my sentence. I lifted my eyebrows, waiting for him to come up with some sort of wrong assump—“Because you like him.”

…Shit.

“Wha-what makes you think—?” I tried to ask but the rest of my sentence faded into nothing. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure no one was listening to us. Not that there was anything to listen in on.

“Mack, I’ve known you liked him since the very first day I met you,” he stated. “You didn’t say anything in particular that tipped me off and you didn’t act a certain way that did it either, if that helps. I could tell by the way you looked at him.” I gulped. “It’s like…you’re looking at the best thing in the world. Your world. You look to see if he laughs at one of your jokes, if he’s watching you dance, if he noticed you changed your hair or your clothes, if he agrees with one of your opinions, if he’s looking at you…” He smiled a little but I couldn’t make any sort of effort to smile back. Not with my stomach twisting like this. “It’s not bad that you like him. JC’s a great guy. I just think…maybe you shouldn’t aim your heights so high right now. He’s with someone else and he’s not the only guy in the world. I’m not saying give up on him, maybe work your way there. Meet new people. Date some other guys, if you’re so inclined. Just…relax and let him see the real you. The you that doesn’t feel pressure to live up to his ideals. The you that he’d like for being you.”

I didn’t know what to do. Nod, agree; any idea shriveled up in my brain and died beneath the crushing weight of his words. The only thing that finally came out of my mouth was, “…The water’s not down this way is it?”

He shook his head. “Nope,” he replied. “It’s over that way. But while we’re on the topic, I think you need to apologize to JC. And I think you know you need to, too.”

I whined and stomped my foot. “I don’t wanna,” I pouted.

“You’re only here with us for a few more days before you lose you to…them,” he said, making a face. I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. He was one of the few that didn’t have beef with the Backstreet Boys. Joey was the other; he liked them enough, especially AJ and JC didn’t really pay attention to them. It was Chris and Justin that had a problem. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my time with you and the others fighting. Okay?”

Dammit, he had to have a point. “Fine,” I grunted, crossing my arms. “Tell JC to meet me at my hotel room later.” I grabbed his arm again. “Water’s this way you say?” He nodded and swiveled us around to walk in the right direction. “Lance? Can you please not tell JC?” I asked, my voice much quieter than I wanted it to be as I looked down at my feet. “I know he’s with someone but I also know, even if he weren’t, he’d reject me and I can’t…”

He patted my hand. “I won’t tell, don’t worry. And for the record, it’d be his loss if he rejected you.”

Nope. We have traveled into unsafe territory. My chest hurt just from thinking about talking to him about it. Actually telling him. And seeing his face. And hearing him laugh about it... Gahhh! Who the hell thought it was a good idea to put feelings into a sixteen-year-old girl?

Some sort of weight was off my shoulders after talking to Lance, or having him to talk to me, rather, but it didn’t smooth out the chip in my shoulder. At least that’s what Johnny called it. Even he could tell that there was something wrong between all of us when he came to the station to show is support.

“Where’s that smile?” he asked, pushing his thumbs into my cheeks in an effort to lift my mouth.

“’M just a bit tired,” I replied, pushing his hands away. Which wasn’t a total lie. I’m still not a fan of having to get up early just to get to the next spot. “Couldn’t get any sleep last night.” Also not a lie. It was hard to get a good night’s sleep when Justin kept huffing and puffing next to my ear. Like he had a right to be angry! Sheesh!

“Get used to it, Munchkin,” Johnny said with a sympathetic smile. “Things are only going to get faster from now on. You’ll be lucky if you can get some sleep standing up.”

“Hmm. It’s all worth it though…right?” Maybe if he was convincing enough I’d actually believe it. Believe that all of this was worth it. The fighting, the sleepless nights, the routines, the distance, the stress, the separation… Were our dreams really worth all that?

“As long as you’re happy,” he finally replied.

And before I could reply that maybe I wasn’t actually happy, Liam swooped in out of nowhere and brought me into the room where the interview was going to take place. I plastered on a smile, greeted the DJs, put on some headphones, and acted the part like Liam wanted. And I have to say, I was super convincing.

I even believed my act.

***

I didn’t know how long I was out but, as soon as my head hit the pillow in my hotel room I fell into a deep sleep. Sleeping was the best thing in the world. Not only did I have to not talk to anyone but my dreamland allowed me an escape, even if I couldn’t physically leave. It was enough. When a series of knocks sounded on the door I was roused from my sleep and went to face my personal pain-in-the-ass head on, only to be surprised to see Justin standing there rather than JC.

“Yeah?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe. He winced at my curt tone but I wasn’t sorry about it.

“You’re still mad at me,” he noted, his shoulders dropping. “I have a good reason.”

“For rejecting me?” My eyebrow popped up as I said the words aloud. It hurt almost as much as last night did. “How could you do that? You’re my best friend, you’re supposed to have my back.”

“I do!”

“And so you couldn’t do this one favor for me?”

“That’s just it, you asking me to…you know…it wouldn’t be me doing you a favor. It’s bigger than that.”

My eyes rolled in my head and I turned back into my room, “Spare me,” I grumbled. I had expected the door to click shut behind me but it never did. Figures. Justin was always bad with boundaries. In fact he got his first official girlfriend by talking to the boyfriend she was dating at the time and told him that he wouldn’t give up on her. The boyfriend didn’t show up again.

“Listen,” he begged from behind me. “I’ve done it before—“

“I know,” I interrupted him, flopping down on my bed. “I caught you going at it like rabbits in the studio once. And back at the band house. And at your house. Really, you need to learn to lock a door.”

He cracked a smile. “Learn to knock,” he shot back. I wanted to laugh but my body didn’t work with me. It sounded more like a grunt. He got something; he should be happy about that. “I didn’t reject you.”

“Yeah? What do you call it when you ask someone to sleep with you and they say no?” I asked, shaking my head. My eyes darted from one clump to another on the popcorn ceiling. It was freakin’ ugly. I don’t know why hotels like it so much.

“I said no because I don’t want your first time to be forgettable,” Justin replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I didn’t reply. He reached out and placed his hand on my knee, giving it a squeeze. When he spoke again his voice was much quieter than before. Desperate, even. “I’ve been intimate before, but only when I felt it was right and with someone special. Someone that I loved very much.”

“Ah, so now I’m not special and you don’t love me. Got it.” I nodded and licked my lips. Jesus, what was it with guys and being such idiots?

“You know that’s not true,” he stressed. “You’re my best friend, you’re much more special than anyone in the world.”

“Besides your mom,” I pointed out.

He pulled a grotesque face. “I’m not gonna sleep with my momma! Don’t be gross!” He removed his hand from my knee and ran it though his hair. “What I mean is, I don’t want to sleep with you just for the sake of doing it. I want to do it because I want to share something special with you. You deserve that. You don’t deserve something rushed and in a plain ol’ hotel room of all places. And you sure as hell don’t deserve a loveless first time. I want you to be in love when you have your first time and I know you’re not in love with me.”

“I don’t even like you that much,” I managed to tease, my lips cracking into something that resembled a smile. He bought it anyway judging by the way he sighed. “I didn’t think us kissing would get this crazy.”

“Yeah.” He nodded and licked his lips. “Do you like me?” I watched as his eyebrows furrowed, as if asking the question itself made him confused.

“You’re my best friend,” I stated. It was a simple answer. One I gave as a filler to every question regarding him. Are you mad at him? He’s my best friend. Don’t you think he’s a bit annoying? He’s my best friend. How can you? Why do you? Are you? Simple. He’s my best friend. And I always said it with a smile, because I was super proud to be able to call Justin Timberlake my best friend. And…and maybe he had a point. But having a point didn’t help me.

“I know,” he replied. “And I like you, obviously. But I don’t know if it’s like that. I’m just really…”

“Lonely?” I filled in for him. I drummed my thumbs on my stomach and now my eyebrows furrowed at my question. That was it, wasn’t it? We were lonely. Loneliness made him look different to me. Like my eyes were replaced with glasses. Not rose tinted ones, though. Maybe lilac. Or baby blue for him.

It felt so good being back with him. Being able to laugh with him and play video games in our spare time and make fun of the other guys and just be together. Like before. Like always. Being able to hug him and talk about home and feel like we were back at our old stomping grounds…nothing could compare. It was like I had home with me. Like I was home.

…Huh. Maybe that’s it. That’s what this was all about. It’s not about seeing Justin differently—though I do have to admit his body’s impressive now—but it’s about being close to home and having that ache in my chest filled. I could smell it on him, hear it in his voice, and see it in his mannerisms. And maybe he saw the same thing in me. Because, deep down, he didn’t give me that gut twisting, free-falling feeling. Maybe one day, who knows? But not now. It wasn’t him I wanted, it was the security.

“It’s not that you’re not great,” he continued. “It’s just…I don’t know. Everyone else keeps saying how good we’d be together but I’m not there. I just wanted to see if anything felt different. By kissing you, I mean. But it doesn’t. It feels…”