3. It's All Beyond Repair
“No,” I protested. “Not yet. Not like this.”
“I have to.”
“You can’t.”
“It’s over.”
“It can’t be over,” I maintained. “I’m not ready to give up on you yet.” I turned over on my back so that I could slip out of my bottom bunk and shuffled to the back of the tourbus.
“Justin, you gave up on me a long time ago. It’s not fair to either one of us to keep acting like we’re happy.”
“But we can be, baby.”
“No. We can’t,” she whispered. “What’s done is done and it’s time to move on, Justin.”
“I know I’ve fucked up. Believe me, I know,” I emphasized, “but there’s so much more in store for us. I promise I’ll do better. I swear to God, I’ll try my hardest and we can fix this.”
“I don’t want to fix it.”
“Why not?”
“There’s nothing left to fix. We’ve done all we can.”
“No!” I whispered harshly. “The world is ours, baby. We can do this.”
“We said that last time,” she sniffled. “Nothing changed.”
How many times have you broken my heart and I let you back in?
Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways
“I know... I know. But I “ I was still mad at you; I was still in my stupid phase. But if I changed once, I can change again.”
Her sniffles and whimpering got louder with each passing second while I sat at the back of our bus wishing that I was with her, wishing that I could catch her tears. I never meant for us to turn to this. I never ever wanted to hurt her this way. But then, Hell is paved with good intentions. We all mean well, but the only way to keep good intentions from dying is to execute them. I’d yet to master that concept.
“Justin,” she sniffed, “I’m gonna try this with you one more time. Because I do love you“.”
“I love you, too,” I interrupted. “I’m so sorry for all that I’ve put you through.”
“Just don’t do it anymore,” she solemnly replied. “I can’t deal.”
I nodded, despite the fact that she couldn’t see me. I just didn’t have anything left to say. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Can I come see you?” That came out a lot more immature-sounding than I would’ve liked.
“Aren’t you on tour?”
“Yeah. So?”
“So... I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re busy. I’m busy. I’ll just... see you when I’m back in America.”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m in France, Justin. I told you I was leaving for Europe this week.”
“Okay, so I forgot. What’s the big deal.”
“It’s not a big deal,” she relented. “I just thought you cared enough to know where I am.”
“Sweetheart, I barely even know where I am right now.”
“Okay, fine.” She sighed heavily, damn near blowing my ear off with the loud reverberations of the phone, and said quietly, “I’m gonna go now. Okay?”
“Yeah,” I awkwardly answered. “Get some rest, all right?”
“Yeah.”
“I love you.”
“Bye.” Callously, she hung up the phone without any other words. The way she hung up, very clearly ignoring my declaration of love, hit me hard. Sure, we’ve fought before, and yeah, we’ve ended calls on bad terms, went to bed angry and all that shit that couples do. But this time, it felt like she was at a stage past anger “ it was more like she just didn’t care anymore. And that was a bigger pill to swallow than anything else.
How many times have you broken my heart and I let you back in?
That night, as I sat at the table in the back of our bus, clinging desperately to a relationship that had dwindled to nothing, I cried. I cried for what I’d done to her. I cried for what she’d done to me. I cried because at that moment, I finally knew what it really felt like to have a broken heart. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.
Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways
Two days later, we touched down in Houston. Luckily, I had this crazy tour to take my mind off of all things sad and bad in my life. Honestly, the fans are what keep me going sometimes. I have bad days where I wanna tell the whole world to kiss my ass, and hey, sometimes I do. But there are other days that that ‘I love you, Justin’ just does me a world of good. Obviously, it’s a different kind of adulation than what I was lacking at the time, but love is love. At that time, the refreshing breeze of a fan was all the light I needed to get through my darkness.
That Sunday, St. Patrick’s Day, as I perused through J. Crew at The Galleria with my agent, Shani, and my security, I got a very welcome surprise phone call from one of my biggest fans... so to speak. “You have an incoming call,” Shani informed me, somehow hearing my phone’s vibration when I couldn’t even feel it.
It was a Houston area code with a number I didn’t really recognize; but, deciding that it was someone from our entourage, calling from the hotel, I obligingly picked it up. “Hello?”
“What’s up?” A woman’s deeply rich, Southern accent met me on the other end. “You in my hometown and you wasn’t even gonna call me?”
“I’m sorry?”
“You don’t know who this is, do you?”
“How’d you get this number?”
“No you didn’t,” she chuckled. And then I got it “ I could recognize her laugh anywhere. It was just so damn sexy. “It’s Beyonce,” she finally divulged.
“Psh, I knew that.” I began to walk in circles around the large store, avoiding contact with all human beings, just to be sure that they couldn’t record my conversation and report it to those crazy bastards at E! or some shit. “So, what’s up?”
“I just asked you that. Why didn’t you call me?”
“I dunno,” I lied. “We just got in.”
“Yesterday,” she quipped. “Are we over again and you forgot to tell me?”
“No,” I lied, once more, laughing to conceal my falsehoods. “Nah, I just didn’t wanna bother you.”
“Now you know you are never a bother,” she reassured me with a giggle. “In fact, you’re a perfect addition to my little vacation time at home.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I’m so... glad to just be gettin’ a break.”
“Girl, I told you you work too hard.”
“I know,” she sighed. “But you know how it is.”
“Hell yeah I do. Is the movie all wrapped up and shit?”
“My filming parts are all done until April when I gotta go back to LA and do ADRs.”
“And that would be...”
“Automatic Dialogue Replacement.” She gave me that laugh again and explained, “You know how you double everything you sing in the studio?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, it’s just like that. Just basically makin’ the dialogue more... easy to be heard.”
“And you have to do that for the whole movie?”
“Pretty much.”
“Wow,” I marveled. “I don’t envy you then.”
“It’s cool,” she laughed. “But anyway, if you wanted to come chill for the night, my door is always open.”
I turned to where Shani and Mike were at the cash register, very obviously waiting on me while I pretended that I was actually about to buy something out of that preppy ass store. I threw out my pangs of guilt, wanting to end our conversation on a good note, not wanting to blow her off like I was supposed to “ especially after begging Britney for another chance. But when it came to Beyonce, or B for short, I hadn’t yet found the capacity to say ‘No’.
“You live alone?” I asked.
“Actually, I live here with my girls, but Kel is in LA doing her album and Chelle is promoting hers, so we got the place all to ourselves if you want.”
I did want. I really, really, really wanted. But I wanted to make me and Britney work, too. “I have a busy day tomorrow. I should stay in and get some rest,” I declined.
“For real?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Nah, I understand. I’ll just see you at the show tomorrow.”
“No!” I objected. If she came, she’d be seen. And that, for sure, would be the last straw with Brit. “I mean... I’ll be over after dinner.”
“Or, you could come now and I’ll make dinner.”
Free home cookin’? Oh, hell yeah. I looked at my watch, seeing that the 7PM mall closing time was soon approaching, so I had to bounce anyway. “That’ll work,” I answered. “Just text me your address and we’ll find it.”
“See you soon. And bring a big ol’ appetite,” she laughed.
“You know I will.”
I got plans tonight
And you, you know what I like
And you’re approachin’ me right
But I gotta make sure it’s right for me
With the help of Tiny, whose hometown also happened to be Houston, I made it to B’s huge house around 7:30. I’d never been there before, so the elaborate decor of the ostentatious mansion before I even made it to the front door was all very intimidating. But then, the very same thing could be said about Beyonce herself. This air of apprehension always struck me about five seconds before she and I came face to face. She was just such a star. A... True Star, if you will.
Nervously, I threw my hood over my head, scurried up the three steps to the front and rang the doorbell, which resounded a ringtone of ‘Say My Name’ throughout the house, from what I could hear.
“I’ll be right there, J,” she told me, via the intercom, startling the shit out of me. Like a twelve-year-old being let into his first house party, I shot Tiny the deuces, letting him know that I was safe and I’d call him when I was ready to go home.
The heavy white and gold door swung open and before me stood five feet, six inches of golden perfection, covered in all the right places by a loose-fitting, summery red dress. As always, her entire body seemed to shimmer, giving off the impression that if she touched you, you’d turn to gold. She had that magic way of awing me every single time we came together.
Little baby with the sundress on
You lookin’ so damn right you’re wrong
Make me wanna write my own little song for you
“Get in here,” she smiled, pulling me into a quick hug before she closed the door. “You okay?”
I nodded uneasily, staring at the hugeness of her house. I was no stranger to eloquence, but as they say, everything’s bigger in Texas. “I’m good.”
“Good. You’re just in time for dinner.”
The aroma of something spicy tickled my nose, informing my stomach that it was more hungry than I already knew. Now this is somethin’ I could get used to. “What are we having?”
“Some Creole chicken gumbo.”
“Girl, you know the way to my heart,” I laughed as she grabbed my hand and led me out of the foyer and into the kitchen. “Where you learn how to cook?”
“Well, my mama’s family has people down in New Orleans, so you know I had to learn somethin’.”
“Smells like you learned a lot.”
“Honestly, this is ‘bout the only thing I can cook.”
“You’re doin’ better than me, then.”
Chuckling, she coolly sat me down at one of the two kitchen tables, it sitting directly in front of this huge window that overlooked her pool, giving off a very oceanic scene. “Did you get here okay?”
“Yeah, it was a breeze. Houston is gorgeous at night,” I commented.
“So it ain’t gorgeous in the day?”
My eyes followed her ass as it bounced with her while she made her way around the kitchen, fixing our plates. “You need any help?”
She spun on her barefoot heel and sat a wide bowl of gumbo on the glass table in front of me. “Not yet,” she smiled. “You sure you okay?”
The way the thang just wiggle in the air
Turn around and then you flip yo’ hair
And I can think of a couple positions for you
“I’m great,” I grinned back. “Why?”
She sat down across from me, crossing her legs in a way that ensured me that there was nothing between us but her little red dress. “You seem nervous.”
Must be somethin’ you want me to see
Baby girl, don’t mind me if I do
“I’m fine,” I lied. I was a wreck. But for all the wrong reasons.
“I love your hair like that,” she suddenly acknowledged, her stare penetrating mine. “You should keep that cut.”
“Thanks.” I self-consciously ran a hand through my buzz cut and sheepishly smiled. “I like yours that way, too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It brings out your face.”
“I was gonna get rid of this crazy ‘fro after the movie wrapped. But... you really like it?”
“Yeah,” I confirmed, nodding. “It’s cute.”
Blushing, she looked down at her food and delved into it as I did the same. “You sure you like it?” she asked again with uncertainty raising her voice an octave.
“Girl, if you don’t shut up and eat.” I laughed, inhaling a spoonful of the savory soup. The tenderness of the chicken, the spicy sausage mixed with the varying herbs and the soft white rice was just what I needed to calm my ass down. “B, this is amazing.”
“You like it?”
“Yeah,” I repeated, chewing my chicken. “It’s like... it feels like it’s dancin’ in my mouth.”
“You are a fool,” she chuckled.
“I’m for real. And then it makes me feel all warm goin’ down.”
“Alright now. That’s my job.” She winked as we both let out a hearty laugh, still wrapping ourselves in the deliciousness of her meal. I could really get used to this.
“I can’t believe you did all this for me.”
“Hey, I had to eat. Why not have some company.”
“I appreciate it,” I said honestly. “I don’t get this kinda treatment until I go home to my family.”
“Britney doesn’t cook for you?”
“Shit,” I cackled, “between the two of us, we can make a mean pop tart and a glass of milk. And I’m the one that specializes in pop tarts.”
“That is sad,” she laughed. “I’ll have to let you in on my secret recipe one day.”
“I’d like that.”
“Speaking of milk, I didn’t even offer you somethin’ to drink. What you want?”
“I can get it,” I offered, rising from my seat.
“Don’t be silly “ you’re the guest. Sit down,” she instructed, picking herself up from her own chair, “and tell me what you want.” Watching her form tiptoe to the refrigerator, I went into a state of speechlessness, not really comprehending the fact that she was talking to me. “It’s quiet in here. You want some music?”
“Brilliant,” I absently answered with a snap of my fingers. “And I’ll take some Sprite if you have any.”
She danced back into the room, jammin’ to some India.Arie, subtly shaking her ass while searching her refrigerator. “No Sprite. How ‘bout some Ginger Ale?”
Body sayin’ thangs I ain’t never heard
Did that shake-shake and I kinda went berserk
“That’ll work,” I decided. “Oh, by the way, I listened to that song you emailed me.”
Walking to the table with ice-filled glasses and a big green plastic bottle, she gave me a skittish sigh, accompanied by a matching stare as she sat down. “And what did you think?”
“I liked it,” I nodded. “I’d be glad to do the beatbox for it.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying,” I laughed. “I told you Pharrell wasn’t gonna steer you wrong.”
“You don’t think it’s too raunchy?”
“I don’t know if I’d be the person to ask about that... but I like the song. It has that old school vibe that you need for the movie, right?”
“Yeah...”
“But what?”
“You know I’m sensitive about my music,” she explicated, “and I just don’t want people to be thrown off by what I’m doing with this song as opposed to what my album’s gonna be about.”
“Hey. Don’t nobody know about that better than I do.”
“No, but with the group, you got somebody to take the fall with. I’m goin’ solo, man. It’s scary.”
“Don’t nobody know that better than I do,” I repeated, emphasizing my last few words.
Her caramel eyes widened in surprise and elation. “Justin, you goin’ solo?”
I nodded with a goofy smile that solidified my new information. “I’m just waiting for notification that I have a record deal.”
“That’s great! That’s incredible!”
“Thanks.”
“I knew you were gonna do it eventually.”
“Like you said, I had to, right?”
“I’m proud of you,” she intimated. “I can’t wait to see what you’re gonna do.”
“And I can say the exact same about you.”
That was the thing about me and B. We had so much in common that we couldn’t help but be drawn to one another. Our upbringing was similar, our careers were on parallel wavelengths, and we just... got each other. We didn’t need a lot of words to feel comfortable. Everything just kinda clicked into place when we hooked up. She would always encourage me and advise me, and I did the same for her. Like in 2001, when I suggested going solo to Brit, she said, ‘Oh, but what if you fail?’ Not exactly the positive reinforcement you’d expect from your girl. B told me to just go for it and see what happens.
I gotta give it to you girl, you’re one of a kind
After dinner, as we washed dishes and found ourselves playfully dancing around her colorful kitchen to Tina Turner, I began to get that magic itch in my groin that always arose when she and I got too close. I knew she felt it too, because she flirtatiously began to bend and twist in ways that showcased the best sides of her bare ass. And by best sides, I do mean all sides.
“You ready for dessert?” she queried, circling me with the ‘Proud Mary’ dance.
“You made dessert, too?”
She lightly laughed under the music and grabbed my hand. “We’re gonna make dessert.”
And when you took my hand up so calm
And touched it to yo’ cherry lip balm
A million nasty thangs went through my mind
Me chuckling in realization, Beyonce anxiously led me through her flamboyantly decorated crib and into her room with the very appropriate title of ‘Queen B’ posted on the tall, white door. Inside, I was met with deep purples and magentas that so perfectly lit up her personality. But, in the same token, it didn’t exactly do much for the mood we had going. Or, maybe it was my guilty conscience eating away at me. Either way, I did what I do best in times of distress “ I bowed out.
As she traipsed around the room, creating ambience and collecting the three to four condoms that we usually went through, I secretly sent the message to Tiny that I was ready to leave. And then, like the coward that I am, pretending that I’d just finished checking my messages, I told her, “Babe, we’re gonna have to take a raincheck on this. My tour manager’s been calling everybody and I gotta get back.”
She turned from her candle-lighting and looked at me with disappointment. “You can’t be serious.”
“I’m sorry,” I sighed, walking towards her to envelope her into a hug.
“It’s so early, though. They can’t wait a little while longer?”
“My bodyguard’s already on his way.”
“Damn.”
“I’m so sorry,” I repeated.
“No, it ain’t your fault. Don’t worry about it.”
See, it was shit like that that just made me wanna be honest with her. She was just cool about everything. There was never any big dramatic fanfare with her. “I’m full of shit,” I admitted, pulling out of our embrace. “I called my bodyguard ‘cause I’m just not up for this tonight.”
“Why? What’s up?”
“I dunno. I’m gettin’ to that point where I can’t keep doing this to Britney.”
“I see,” she said, slightly bowing her head. “Well, she is your girlfriend.”
“Hey,” I countered, lifting her chin with my index finger, “you know you’re my favorite girl.”
She nodded in a way that told me she wasn’t really convinced, but we went with it anyway as we headed for the foyer of the house. “It’s fine, Justin. We obviously have no strings attached here.”
Seeing the black Yukon that transported me everywhere pull into her circular driveway, I quickly gave B a short kiss on the side of her full, glossed lips. “Thank you so much for dinner.”
“Anytime,” she grinned, showing off the dimple in her right cheek. “Just gimme a call when you can.”
“I will,” I assured her. After opening the door, I gave her one last peck and quickly shuffled to the car, thankful to finally be out of the line of fire. For the moment.
Thank you ma’am, it’s certainly been a delight
Another three days later, once we had a much-needed mini-break in the tour, I found myself flying to Europe for a day or three “ Sweden, to be precise. Britney was over there promoting that God-awful ‘Crossroads’ movie, so I thought I’d pay her a visit. It probably sounds terrible that I was going all the way to Europe with the sole intent of breaking up with her, but I couldn’t exactly do it on the phone “ not after I begged and pleaded for another chance. But after my dinner with Beyonce, I was finally seeing the blinding light that was telling me I couldn’t go on like this.
Maybe I was in the same place as Britney had been with Wade. I think I was fallin’ for someone else “ or maybe just longing for something new. But it made me realize that it’s not always about calculated deception. Sometimes, shit just happens. Yeah, it coulda been avoided. But it was too late in the game to throw around shoulda-coulda-woulda. It was just time to repair my many past mistakes. So, with the help of Mrs. Spears and an eager and willing security team, I arrived in Stockholm at the Sheraton Hotel & Towers without Britney knowing a damn thing.
There’s something dangerous about surprises, though. If you’re not careful, or depending on who you’re surprising, you just might get your own little unsolicited shockers here and there. I witnessed it firsthand that day. Take heed when I say that the only person you can ever trust in this lifetime is yourself.
Waiting all damn day for Britney to return from her duties as a pop star certainly did nothing for my restiveness, but hearing her happy cackle approaching in the hallway was the solace I needed to do what I came to do “ not because I wanted to see her unhappy, but because her laugh always put me in a comfort zone.
She walked into her quiet suite on the heels of Big Rob, her bodyguard, while her right hand was intertwined with that of her co-star, Anson. I spotted their interlock before she even noticed me, which was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I would’ve rather walked in on them having sex, dude. But him holding her hand “ the same one I once always held “ it internally broke me. It was the sign of genuine affection that I just hadn’t prepared myself for. That’s what I meant about surprises. And that’s what I was talking about when I said we both created cuts and bruises in our relationship.
When Brit finally did see me sitting silently across the room, all smiles and laughter disappeared, she quickly dropped the co-star dude’s hand and blushingly smiled as she made her way over to me. “J, what on Earth are you doing here?”
“I came to see you,” I stated calmly. “Surprise.”
“Y’all, can you leave us alone for a minute?” she requested of Rob and Anson.
I watched them discreetly exit the room via the adjoining suite door to my left. I sat back into the small brown and beige loveseat that I’d been on for the past two hours and I stared into the blank space in front of me. “So, you’re fuckin’ him now? What happened to Wade?”
“Don’t do this, Justin,” she pleaded from beside me. “It’s not what you think.”
“I’m sure.”
“I’m serious.”
“It’s irrelevant, Britney. It’s all irrelevant, it’s all pointless. It’s all beyond repair.”
Now all that’s left is sayin’ nothing
And we’re not even friends no more
“What are you talking about?”
“I begged you for another chance when I didn’t even need one,” I acknowledged. “This just “ we’re not who we used to be. If we’re gonna try and pretend to be adults now, we gotta let go of the puppy love, right?”
“Are you breaking up with me? Because I was holding hands with someone else?”
“We’re breaking up with each other because it’s over.”
I once was afraid of starting over
But you leave me no other choice
“I told you that,” she replied with a weak voice. “I told you that last week and you wouldn’t let me go.”
“I know,” I said, sadly watching tears fall from her bright brown eyes. “And I’m sorry for stringing you along for another seven days. But I thought it would work; I thought it was fixable. But change doesn’t come unless you want it to “ unless we want it to.”
How many times have you broken my heart and I let you back in?
Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways after all this time
She sat back as well and let her head fall to the headrest, harshly wiping her face from tears and sadness. “It’s hard to believe that this is it.”
“It is,” I agreed. “But who knows what the future holds, you know?”
“Yeah...”
“No matter what happens from here, please, just remember that I loved you; that I love you.”
“I know you do.”
“These next few months are gonna be Hell on Earth. Don’t let what you hear become a misconstruction of how I feel about you, okay?”
“I know how it works,” she assured me. “Just take your own advice,” she weakly grinned.
Nodding, I suddenly pulled her into a tight hug, as if I could squeeze out any extra love she had hiding inside for me. And I didn’t let go. Neither did she. I watched my warm, desperate tears drop to her elaborate pink shirt and I held on even tighter. “I’m always here for you,” I said. “If you need me, just call me.” I felt her knees slowly begin to quiver beside me, telling me that she was close to breaking, so I tried to pull away. “I should go.”
“No,” she protested. “Please, just hold me.”
I guess it was kind of poetic that our final moments as a couple were probably the most genuine that we’d ever had. Then again, maybe it was just hypocritical for us to sit there and play the anguished role when we’d just spent the better part of a year inexcusably hurting one another. Either way, holding her in my arms that night, I didn’t feel like too much or too little. It gave me an air of perfection one more time. And oddly enough, even when you know it has to end, that inevitable twinge of doubt always creeps up on you, leaving you to wonder if you’ve done the right thing. I guess time would obviously answer that question, but back then, I wasn’t so sure that it was all justified.
Lyrics:
“How Many Times” - Lalah Hathaway (Outrun the Sky)
“Right For Me” - Justin Timberlake (Justified)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
