29. This Is Gonna Hurt
I had a dream last night. It was a pretty good dream, I admit. I dreamt that Devin was pregnant with my child. She wasn’t that far along “ maybe four months, but she was glowing. We were excited as hell about it, too. In the dream, we were going through baby names and picking out clothes together; finding strollers and cribs and thinking about godparents. It was a very comforting fantasy, I have to say.
But then I woke up. I awoke to reality and that’s where the nightmare began. The truth was that Devin was pregnant, but in this case, the operative word is “was.” That day when I was at breakfast with Cameron, when Devin’s mom inadvertently let the news slip that Devin had been pregnant, I was in shock for a good thirty seconds before I realized that her mother was still talking to me. Obviously, Devin decided to tell her that I knew the entire situation when that clearly wasn’t the case at all, but I couldn’t let Deborah in on that small detail. So, I did what anyone would do and inconspicuously coaxed more information out of her.
I told her that I was taking it hard, and she told me that it was understandable and that miscarriages were definitely a painful thing to deal with. She said other things, but I was concentrated on the fact that I lost two children in the span of about two months. Other things I gathered from the conversation was that Devin discovered this information in April “ probably the day she came to Vancouver to break up with me. My hypothesis is that she miscarried because she decided that she was too selfish to put her 'career' on hold and stop dancing with Usher. And then she was too much of a punk to tell me, so she thought she’d keep it to herself for the rest of her life with lies and then more lies.
It’s been a week since I found out and I hadn’t told anyone. So, in a way, I guess I could empathize with her situation, because I’ve found that some things are just too shameful to admit to even those closest to you. Which, ironically, pushes them further away. In turn, that made me realize that I desperately needed a new remedy for this dirty old disease.
“Devin was pregnant,” I blurted to the stale Monday air. My lunch companion simply stared back at me blankly, so I squinted, cleared my throat and went on. “And I say she was pregnant because she isn’t anymore “ she had a miscarriage. She never told me about it; I accidentally found out from her mom, and now, she doesn’t know that I know.”
Beyonce’s lips curled into half a smile, showing off the dimple in her right cheek and she let out a scoff mixed with a chuckle. “What you talkin’ about?”
“What did you not understand about it?”
“All of it,” she laughed, pushing her plate out of her way. “I thought y’all broke up.”
“We did. And now we’re back together.”
“But how she get pregnant if y’all weren’t together?”
“She was pregnant when we broke up “ she just didn’t tell me.”
“Okay,” she slowly nodded.
“And so obviously when she miscarried, she didn’t... or couldn’t tell me that, either.”
“Didn’t,” she inserted.
“And now, I know the truth and I haven’t had the balls to tell her.”
“And why do you think that is?”
“That I haven’t told her?”
“Yeah?”
I shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t feel like having that conversation, I guess.”
“And you had no idea she was pregnant.”
“Not a clue. I hadn’t seen her for two months and I figured since she was so busy with her ‘career,’ it’d probably be a while before we were seeing each other on a regular basis.”
“Did you wanna be seein’ her on a regular basis?”
“I thought I did,” I rationed. “But now that I am, it’s just like... what was I so hung up on in the first place?”
“Her looks?” she suggested innocently.
“No. Not really.” I shook my head as I finished off my lemonade. “I mean, I was always intrigued by what I thought was her being perfect, but there’s so much more I’m discovering that I don’t think I wanna be a part of anymore.”
“Like what?”
“Like her constant criticism and her need to just find something wrong with what I’m doing like she’s some kind of a saint.”
“So basically, she’s a hypocrite,” Beyonce finished for me.
“Yeah. And not only that, but she’s just so immature sometimes. She throws these tantrums and goes off on these tangents that no one can understand but her.”
“Well, everyone has faults. I know you know that,” she chuckled.
I threw my head back and laughed heartily at that. Because, yeah, it’s true. “No, I know. But just because you have flaws doesn’t mean I have to deal with them.”
“Well, maybe you have to focus on the good things. Why did you fall in love with her in the first place?”
“She always seemed larger than life to me. She was boisterous and crazy and animated in all the right ways. And then I got to know her a little more and I saw the softer side of her, that was dedicated and affectionate and intelligent. I guess, she intrigued me because she was just full of all these little surprises.”
“So, now you just gotta decide whether she means enough for you to let the positive outweigh the negative.”
“Yeah, that seems simple enough; but she hid the fact that we had a child together. That’s like the ultimate betrayal, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know about that. She could think that you sittin’ here with me is the ultimate betrayal, so it depends on the person.”
“Why would she think that?”
“Because we both know what’s gonna end up happening when we leave,” she smirked, her hazel eyes twinkling at me. “And I think she would know, too.”
“I dunno; I don’t think I’m ready to go there right now.” I tried to laugh off my rejecting her and then added, “I’m tryin’ to change, you know?”
“That’s cool.” She leaned back in her seat and pushed her oversized shades down to her face. “That’s good.”
“I don’t know if it’ll work, but I should give it a try, at least.”
“What are you tryin’ to change exactly?”
“My entire demeanor. I wanna be a man. Someone that my family can be proud of; that my daughter can smile down on. I think I’ve been trying to conform to what other people have asked of me, and I’ve convinced myself that I need to change for the women in my life, but I think I should just do it for me.”
“You just now figured that out?”
“Well. Yeah,” I laughed, realizing that that was obvious. “I thought Devin would give me reason to be a better man, but I guess not.”
“Maybe they was just never worth changing for.”
“You think so?” I frowned.
“If they were, you would’ve done it, right?”
“That’s so hard to say, though. It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is,” she shot back. “Your problem is that you make stuff too difficult. Some things are just black and white but you just determined to make them gray. It’s simple, baby.”
I smiled and stared at my empty salad plate with an agreeing nod. “You’re right.”
“Oh, I know,” she smiled arrogantly before standing up to show off her entire light blue dress.
“You look like nice and sophisticated today,” I randomly commented with a grin.
Brushing her long blonde ponytail from her shoulder, she smirked back down at me. “Well good, ‘cause I feel like shit.”
“Why is that?”
“We been rehearsing, man. I be leaving the studio and can’t even walk to the car.”
“What are you rehearsing for?” I questioned, finally standing up with her.
“Our new single is completely a dance song, so we got a whole new routine to learn.”
“You have a single already?” She had to be talking about her own album, right?
“You better keep up,” she smirked. “We got the album coming out next month.”
“Next month? Are you serious?”
“What you think I been doin’ all summer?” She pulled a Sidekick from her sizeable purse and turned towards the front of the restaurant. “I’m gonna be in Europe for the rest of the month, but just gimme a call and let me know what happens.”
“I will,” I nodded.
“I’m for real. I miss talkin’ to you.” She grinned again, giving me that dimple as she approached my side of the table to offer me a kiss on the cheek along with her goodbye. “Take care, baby.”
I returned her innocent kiss, gazing past her shades to see her eyes and nodded. “You, too.” I blankly watched her begin her sashay towards the exit when that so-called innocent kiss effectively shook me from whatever I wasn’t thinking about. “Hold up a minute,” I called after her.
She turned quickly, waiting for the plea she probably knew I was about to give before I even did. “What’s wrong?”
“When are you gonna be back in the States?” I frowned.
“The beginning of November, probably. Why?”
That was fucking three weeks away. “Where you goin’ now?”
“I was gonna get some shoppin’ done since I’m here and probably meet my mama later.” She smiled knowingly and I could see her sandy brown eyebrows lifting above her shades. “I could always change my plans, though.”
“Well, we are in a hotel,” I commented suggestively. “No need to waste all this ample space.”
“We can even keep talkin’ if you want to,” she went on to say.
I closed the gap between us by sheepishly approaching her position by the door. “I think I’m done talking.” I have a few other things in mind.
Stealing moments just to be with you
Though it’s wrong, it’s hard to tell the truth
She don’t have to know
Well the month of October came to a slow close while November seemed to fly by and I’d yet to say anything to Devin. I don’t know what I was waiting for “ probably the strength to let her go. I had basically dug myself into my role for the movie ‘Alpha Dog.’ I was in a weird ass headspace for ‘Edison,’ so I was determined to not let this big ass distraction get the best of me this time. Plus, it was a perfect way for me to ignore Devin without actually having to do it. Not only that, but it gave me the freedom to do whatever the hell else I wanted without having to explain myself.
“So when do you think you’ll be home then?”
“I dunno,” I shrugged to the phone, wishing that Devin could see what was really going on. I stared across my trailer to where Beyonce was sprawled comfortably across the couch, watching me with a smirk. “It’ll probably be a while,” I reported back to Devin.
“Do you think it’ll be before midnight?”
“Yeah. Probably sometime around midnight, actually.”
“You have time for dinner?” she asked hopefully. “I could make something and bring it by.”
“I doubt I’ll have time to eat it,” I refuted. “I’ll just see you when I get home. You gonna be there?” I don’t know why I asked because of course she will. She was always there.
“Yeah, I’m here..”
“Then I’ll call you when I’m on my way.” I hastily hung up my phone and let out a yawn that came out as more of a long sigh. “Can you tell that she’s annoying me?”
I hope that nobody sees me passing by through my disguise
I still know you recognize
“I’m surprised she can’t tell,” Beyonce chuckled, finally sitting up straight so that I could sit beside her. “I ain’t one to break up a happy home, but I don’t know why you don’t just leave her.”
“I don’t know either,” I said truthfully. “Same reason you’re not leaving Sean, maybe.”
But you, I know you got a little secret of your own
“Me and Jay have an understanding,” she smiled mischievously, correcting my assessment. “It’s a open relationship, thank you.”
“I’m sure,” I laughed back sarcastically. “So he knows where you are right now?”
Sneaking out with me while your man’s at home
You know you wrong
“Now I ain’t say all that.” Her laugh sent her head resting on my shoulder. “We just have an understanding that whatever happens happens.”
“Interesting.” I nodded to myself and rested my cheek over her hair, saddened by the scent and the way that it reminded me of Devin. Even when I hate her, I love her too damn much.
“I love him, though,” she announced to the silent room after a few seconds. “Probably more than I should.”
“Yeah, sadly there’s no limit on how far you can fall.”
“I don’t think that’s sad. I think it’s inspiring that love is boundless.”
“Well,” I belligerently began to say, “maybe that’s because you found it.”
“You might be a lot less bitter if you talked to her.”
“I’m not bitter; I’m mad as hell.”
“So why don’t you tell her that?”
“Because I’m sure she’ll find some way to mercilessly piss me off and then I’ll be worse off than I am now.”
“You need help,” she scoffed just as a knock pounded at the door. The two of us immediately separated in fear of the visitor walking in and catching us doing absolutely nothing. Nonetheless, Beyonce swiftly leapt from the couch to head towards the back of the trailer.
“Who is it?” I yelled in irritation.
“It’s Emile,” the voice calmly responded. “I wanted to ask you a few things about one of our scenes.”
I rolled my eyes at being bothered by a co-star when I was in the middle of something, but attempted to be remotely polite. “Um, yeah sure,” I sputtered. “Can you give me like five minutes?”
“Okay,” he sighed, “I’m in the one right across from you.”
“Thanks.” So I didn’t go to the door. I wasn’t being rude, was I? “You can come back out,” I called to B, laughing at how she fled the room like a fugitive.
“That was scary,” she noted with a laugh, sauntering back to the sofa.
Someone’s watching
Gotta be careful next time or we’re through
Damn, it’s so stressful doing the dirt we do
“Are you telling me this is a sign,” I sang dorkily, an ode to the latest masterpiece I’d been a part of.
“You so lame,” she smiled, retrieving her purse from its position on the floor by the couch. She moved to where I stood at the counter in my kitchenette, and offered me a quick peck on the neck. “I’ll see you later.”
“You’re leaving already?”
“You want me to stay?”
“Well, I mean, you don’t have to, but I was just about to make us some coffee and crepes so we could sit down at the table and talk about life.” That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever said in my life. Even I had to laugh at my ridiculousness.
Her smile evolved into a full-fledged laugh as she shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you.”
“You’re gonna stay,” I tried to coax her with my pleading eyes. “Please?”
“I would, but I ain’t tryin’ to get caught in here with you. You know folks talk too much.”
So sad but true
And I know one day I’m gonna pay
“I guess,” I sighted.
“Plus you need to get to work anyway.”
“I guess I could go home to my girlfriend...” I trailed off, completely bored by the notion.
“Yeah, right,” she giggled. “Oh yeah, I meant to ask you what you doin’ for New Year’s.”
“I don’t even know what I’m doin’ for Christmas,” I realized.
“It’s in two weeks!”
“I know, I know,” I shot back defensively. “I just... haven’t thought about it.”
“Well, I’mma be in Miami for the New Year, so if you wanna hang out, just gimme a call.”
Then you ask me to sneak out of town for just a day or three
“I think that could work,” I nodded.
“You ain’t gon’ chicken out and say you gotta stick with her neither.”
“I won’t.” I avoided her stare at all costs and headed for the door with a bit of remorse in my step.
I feel sorry for mistakes we make
“Uh huh.” Her disbelieving tone certainly matched the denying screams that my conscience seemed to behold. “Well, I guess we’ll see.”
“Whatever happens happens, right?”
“Exactly.” She gave me one last smile and disappeared into the sun-setting evening.
Another yawn-slash-sigh came rumbling past my lips and I leaned against the door of my trailer, trying to mentally prepare for the inevitability of facing Devin at the end of the day. It was hard to look at her, knowing the things I do to her and more specifically, the thing she did to me. I’m sure it seems as simple as moving on to everyone else, but if you can’t walk away, it only makes sense that you stay, right?
There’s no reason that we should tell her today
She don’t have to know
“Hey, where you off to?” Devin requested from her permanent spot on my couch.
“To lunch,” I lied. “With Trace.”
“Oh, okay...”
“I thought you said you were going home this morning.” Or maybe I just dreamed it in my sleep.
“Well I was, but I figured I’d just be right back over a few hours later, so I might as well just stay.”
I nodded as I took a seat on the couch across from her to tie my shoes. “So what are you doing today?”
“I was gonna head to The Grove to do some Christmas shopping. You wanna meet me over there?”
“No, I’m pretty much done with my shopping.”
“Really? I didn’t even know you started.”
“Well, that just goes to show you don’t know everything.”
She frowned at my comment and curled her long legs even further upon the seat cushions as she mindlessly flipped through TV channels. “Well... y’all have fun.”
“You, too.”
“Oh by the way, you got a call from Beyonce while you were asleep. I didn’t answer, but she called three times, so it might be important.”
My eyes guiltily darted in the direction of that name before I could even act like I was playing it off. “That’s weird,” I attempted to nonchalantly say. “I wonder what she wants.”
With a roll of her eyes, she mumbled, “With all these movies you’re doing, you’d think you’d be a better actor by now.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“I didn’t hear you.” I did, but I wanted to make sure I heard right.
“Nothing,” she fake-grinned. “I’ll see you later?”
This time, it was my turn to frown. “What time are you going to the mall?”
“I’ll probably get up and get ready in about an hour.”
“So that means you’ll be leaving in about three hours,” I joked.
She smiled knowingly. “Yeah, probably.”
“Okay, well... maybe I will meet you, then.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just thought it would be nice if we could spend a few moments together before 2005 began.”
“No, I really do want to. We should end the year on a good note, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, I’ll give you a call around four?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect.”
“How is it that you always manage to wait to do your shopping on the Sunday before Christmas?”
“I do not,” she defended lamely.
“Oh yeah? Remember last year?”
“Okay,” she giggled hysterically, “maybe I do. But I dunno, I find it kind of exhilarating to shop through the actual hustle and bustle of the season.”
“You’re retarded,” I chuckled, retrieving my cell from the coffee table. “Don’t hurt anybody out there today.”
“I’d say the same, but I think it’s inevitable that you will.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing,” she smirked. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later,” I repeated. I was about six inches from the door when she called my name and froze me in my tracks. “Yeah?”
“Can you do me a favor?” She entered the kitchen with the hood of her hoodie draped over her head, casting a dark shadow over her vibrant face.
“What is it?”
“Um... when you see Beyonce, just let her know that I know how lonely it gets when your boyfriend is too busy for you; but that doesn’t mean she had to go and take someone else’s.”
“Devin, what are you smoking?”
“Typical,” she scoffed.
“Seriously, what are you talking about?”
“Don’t add insult to injury and act like I’m the stupid one here.”
“You’re making it increasingly easy to do that.”
“So you actually wanna deny this?”
“Deny what?” I shouted at her, hoping that my volume would prove my innocence, I guess.
“Deny what?” Harried, she grabbed my phone from my hand and revealed the fact that my last two calls have been to her. “It’s been the same shit for two weeks, Justin! The text messages, the constant ‘I have to work’ excuses, the lack of interest in even getting laid. You think it ain’t obvious what you’re doing?”
“You’re overreacting to a bunch of nothing.”
“And you’re full of shit. If you’re gonna play me, you could at least have the decency to try and cover it up.”
Maybe I wanted her ass to know. Maybe I wanted her ass to suffer the way I did when I unknowingly lost another baby. The pain I was attempting to inflict on her was nothing compared to that blow.
“Devin, you need to stop watching so much TV.”
Her half-open eyes fell completely closed as she handed me my phone back. “I hope you plan on resolving to being a man for New Year’s.”
“‘Be a man, be a man,’” I meanly mocked her. “Is that all you can crow about?”
“Well maybe if you’d be one, I wouldn’t have to!”
“Since you know so much about it, why don’t you be one for me.”
“Admit it, Justin! Tell me you’re cheating on me so I can walk out of this fucking door ahead of you!”
“I’m not admitting a damn thing. Two can play that little game of yours, baby.”
“You’re the only one fucking around here.”
“I’ll tell you what,” I started to bargain. “You tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine.”
“That’s the thing, Justin “ you have no secrets. Your shit is right there, staring us both in the face. I guess you just choose not to acknowledge that.”
“Well hey, people only see what they wanna see.”
“That is very true,” she agreed.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
“So I’ll see you later.” I began to walk out of the door before she grabbed my hand to hold me back.
“How do you think you can just walk out like this?”
“Umm... I think we’re done.” I knew my indifference was annoying her, which made me even happier. I even went so far as to attempt a cheek kiss before I was reminded just how violent she is when she punched me in the head. The sheer impact sent my senses spiraling and before I knew it, I was hitting her ass back. I knocked her square in the jaw and she want stumbling right into the back door.
We both looked at one another in a mixture of shock and horror over what I’d just done. Hate suddenly consumed her icy stare and I swear, I saw every ounce of love she ever had for me dissipate into the tense air. “Wow.”
“I’m sorry,” I told her blankly. Even I didn’t believe that lie, though.
“Well for once, that makes one of us.” Grabbing her keys from the key rack beside us, she left the house without anymore words.
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I didn’t hear anymore words from her after that either “ not for the whole week. I didn’t really expect to see her much after that debacle, but I didn’t think she’d ignore me after I attempted to call her a good ten times a day either.
It wasn’t until late on Christmas Eve that she decided to grace me with her daunting presence again, and by the looks of things, she didn’t plan to do so for long. She atypically entered my house through the front door, dropping a solitary key to the mail table as she did so. I could only presume that it was my house key, as she turned to walk right back out of the door when she was done.
I’m drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I was glad she was leaving because I didn’t need her to stick around and ruin my holidays any more than her lies already had, but my utter intrigue wouldn’t let her just leave like that. “Where are you going?” I demanded, dropping my beer bottle to the mail table as well.
“To New York for a while.” She had her big, dark shades covering her eyes, looking like a rockstar in training, because we’re really the only idiots that can get away with wearing sunglasses after dark.
“Are your parents there or something?”
“No...”
“Spending Christmas with friends?”
“I’m not just visiting,” she stated bleakly. “I’m staying.”
“What?” I stuttered out.
“I’m leaving you.”
“For how long?”
She shrugged simply and closed the front door as she walked towards me. “Forever, if I can swing it.”
“Are you serious?”
“I just... don’t know if we have enough of whatever it takes to make this work.”
“So you’re going to New York? What the hell is there?”
“Opportunities. Freedom. Everything but you.”
“I know the Friends finale was a big blow to you, but you’re not gonna go there and find open apartment doors and five-sixths of an ensemble sitting around at a coffee shop, waiting for one more. It’s rough out there, Devin.”
She sighed and even though I couldn’t see her eyes, I knew she was looking directly at me as she rubbed her bruised cheek. “It’s rough here, too, man.”
“I told you I was sorry.”
“And I told you that you were the only one.” She leaned arrogantly against the wall with one hand on her hip. “I mean, don’t get me wrong “ we had fun here and there, but it’s been time for me to leave for a while now.”
“That’s it? That’s all I get it? ‘Wham, bam, thank you, man’ and then you just pack your shit and go?”
“I’m not gonna apologize for anything if that’s what you’re waiting for.”
“I’ve been waiting for two months. Why would I expect something now?”
“You’ve been speaking in code for months, too. I don’t even know why I bother to ask.”
“The same reason you bothered to come and drop off a key and then acted like you weren’t gonna say goodbye. You’re immature and dramatic; you crave all my attention and when you get it, you decide to throw it away until you can find another gimmick to get it back.”
I’m pissed ‘cause you came around
Why don’t you just go home?
“Maybe so.”
“You’re all about games,” I added. “You preach about everything under the sun and fail to look at your own flaws. “ You’re a hypocrite.”
“You’re a bitch.”
“Yeah well, at least I’m not yours anymore.”
‘Cause you channeled all your pain
And I can’t help you fix yourself
“You never were, Justin. You did what you wanted, no matter what I or anyone else had to say about it.”
“And so did you.”
“Which is why I’m leaving,” she shot back, not missing a beat. “I hope you find whatever it is you were looking for.”
“I was looking for someone I could trust to help me past the strain I put on myself. Not someone that would make it worse.”
“I made it worse on you? How? By supporting your bullshit and trying to help you clean up your mess?”
“You’d have to solve your own massive set of problems before you could attempt to help me,” I coldly replied.
You’re driving me insane
“You are my massive set of problems!” she screamed, directly to my face. She stood so close to me that our bodies were touching. Our noses were mere millimeters apart. “Look at me, Justin!”
“I’m looking at you. I don’t see anything.”
“It’s you! You are the secret I wear instead of skin!” She stepped back as tears appeared on her cheeks beneath her glasses. “This secret, this “ this burden of being with you. I hate you so much that it hurts, but I can’t not love you.”
“I’m not your secret, Devin. If anything, you’re the darkest skeleton in my closet because everything about you screams wrong but I still don’t feel right without you. Without your face... these lips,” I emphatically ran my fingers over her features for the last time, “your eyes...” I lifted up her glasses to showcase those captivatingly cyan orbs. “At some point, I felt like you completed me.”
“Then why did you break me?” she continued to cry.
“I couldn’t break you, sweetheart. You’d have to have feelings in order to be broken.”
“That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you for the past year, Justin! I do have feelings and I do hurt!”
I shook my head in denial. “You can’t have feelings to do what you did.”
“I tried so hard to fix you; to love you, man.”
I tried to help you once against my own advice
“You need heart to attempt something like that, Devin, and I don't know what you did with it, but--.”
“You broke it!”
“You never had one!” Now, my tears rushed to the surface, falling to my lips to coalesce with my hateful words. “Even if I tried to break it, I couldn’t have. If I stabbed you, I’d hit ice!”
“I don’t know how you can say these things to me. After all I’ve done for you.”
“You’ve done nothing but fuck me up even more,” I softly spoke.
“Who came and got you out of that shower when you were drowning in your own fucked up misery?”
I saw you going down, but you never realized
That you’re drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
“You did,” I nodded. “That was before I chose to acknowledge that you’re a liar and a bitch,” I spat out, letting go of her flustered face, “and that I hate you for it.”
“Well, at least you’re clear on where you stand with me,” she sniffled.
“I wish you weren't so much like me. Maybe I could've loved you.”
“But I am.”
“...So I can’t.”
Compassion’s in my nature, tonight is our last stand
“And the same goes for me.” She looked down at the floor as we both watched her tears drop to it. “Um, for what it’s worth, I guess you deserve to know the truth before I go.”
“It’s a little to late for that.”
I can’t help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
“Well, I’ll give it to you anyway. I um,” she looked up at me, directly in the eye, “I figured you would have a little mercy on me if you thought I miscarried.” She quickly wiped her face while I processed her words. “But you obviously don’t, so I might as well just put it out there...”
“What are“.”
“Hey, I get it,” she interrupted. “I figured you’ve known for a while, just ‘cause my mom has a big mouth, which is the reason I told her the miscarriage story in the first place.” She waited for me to erupt into her sentence again, but I stayed quiet, so she went on to warn, “This is gonna hurt.”
“I doubt you can hu“.”
“I had an abortion,” she blurted out. She closed her eyes to probably dream up some more lies to cover up why she lied in the first place. “I knew, the day I found out I was pregnant, that I wouldn’t keep it. Because I’d never want to have one of your children. I couldn’t have a baby that I couldn’t love. And even worse, one that I’d hate every time I looked at him because I saw your eyes in him or because she had your smile. I couldn’t risk the chance that that child would grow up to be like either one of us. I have enough things to hate about life without adding our problems to an innocent child. So yeah, I guess that does make me heartless...”
“You are... phenomenal.”
“What?”
“You are phenomenally clever. And calculating and deceitful and spoiled.” My jaw tightened and I really felt like I could kill her at that very moment, just to free myself from the captivity of her aura. Because Lord knows that she had an undeniable hold over me that I desperately needed the ties cut to. Because even after that confession, I still didn’t want her to leave. “Now get out.” But I knew she had to.
I can’t help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried
“I’m sor“,” she tried to say, but I pushed past her to open the front door.
“Get out!” I boomed as loudly as the rage in my voice would allow.
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
Out of breath and filled with an assortment of random emotion, I watched as she aptly shut her mouth, pulled her shades back down over her guilt-ridden stare and left my house the same way she came in.
I glanced over to my living room and watched the blinking white lights of the Christmas tree “ the tree she decorated “ for a total of about four seconds before deciding to unplug the bitch. I thought it best if everything associated with her died tonight. I know my love for her certainly did. I guess I should be a little relieved, though, because freedom arrived a day early in one big ugly box of truth.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Merry Christmas to me.
Lyrics:
“She Don’t Have To Know” - John Legend (Get Lifted)
“Scars” - Papa Roach (Getting Away With Murder)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
