28. I’m Still Screaming
“Justin, you gotta eat something, dude.”
“No. I don’t.” I pushed Cameron’s sorry excuse for breakfast out of my face and rested my head on my kitchen table. “I’m not hungry.”
“You haven’t eaten in days.”
“I ate on Monday,” I said into the table.
“And it’s Wednesday! You can’t torture yourself like this, kid.”
“I’m not fucking hungry.”
“Okay... “ she trailed off. With my eyes half-closed, I got a partial, sideways view of her long legs strutting across my kitchen, prepared to cause only God knows what more nuisance. “Well, why don’t you take a shower? And shave? You’ll feel better.”
“I won’t feel better,” I mumbled. “Can you just leave me alone?”
“Every time I leave you alone, you tell me to come back; so no, I won’t leave you alone.” She stood beside me with her hand rested on my back and dropped a glass of orange juice in front of my face, along with the cordless. “Call Devin.”
I squinted my eyes at the phone and slowly raised my face from the table. “Why?”
“Because we both know that she’s who you want to be here, so call her and see if she’ll be here for you.”
“I’m not calling Devin.” I flicked the phone towards the full cereal bowl in the middle of the table and yawned for the ninth time in nine minutes. “She’s busy.”
“Doing what?”
“I don’t know. She’s just busy.”
“Considering everything that’s happened, I don’t think she’ll mind taking a few minutes out of her day to make you feel better.”
Well, let’s see. She was too busy to come back to Los Angeles with me after Jailyn’s funeral; she was too busy to come to Australia with me when I was absolutely dreading having to go and do a fucking tour; and she was too busy to welcome me home from that excruciating tour. Devin has conveniently been busy for the entire month of June, excluding the two days she came to Memphis for Jai. “Somehow, I doubt it,” I finally decided.
“Fine. If you don’t wanna call her, I will.”
“Put down the phone,” I tiredly instructed. “And why do you want her here so bad? You don’t even like her and Lord knows she doesn’t like you.”
“Because right now, I’d do just about anything to see a smile on your face “ to see you live again. And I don’t think she’d disagree.”
“I beg to differ.”
“I don’t know much about her, but as much as I hate to admit it, she loves you, Justin.” She took a seat in front of me and handed me the phone. “If she knew what your pain was, she’d be here to help you through it.”
“Let it go, Cameron. She’s not gonna come just because I say I want her to. She does what she wants on her terms.”
“So, what you’re saying is that you want me to call.” She gave me her big grin and went through the phone’s directory to get her number.
I blocked out whatever conversation Cameron was having with Devin by reveling in thoughts of what it would be like if she actually did decide to stop by. Hell, I’d be happy to know that she was even in the city “ right down the street if I really needed her to be there. Not that the year of 2004 has been anything to rejoice about for me, but I think this summer has been the worst of my life. So yes, I needed something. Devin probably wasn’t it; nor was Cameron, Michaela, my mom, alcohol, drugs or anything else that existed in the world.
They say the best thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s nowhere to go but up. But the thing is, every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom, I find out there’s another layer beneath the surface and even further for me to fall. So, does that mean it’s up to me to change my fate? If I don’t attempt to make a change, will the calamity that is my life intensify? Probably.
It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didn’t know how hard I could cry
It seems like tomorrow I may not get back
But I will try, I will try, wipe the tears from my eyes
“Wake up, baby boy.”
I awoke to the touch of Devin’s voice on my ears, leaving me to hope that I wasn’t playing a cruel joke on myself and merely dreaming of her presence. It took all I had to open my eyes and find out that it was true “ that she was there. My bed seemed so much warmer at that moment. “Hey,” I mumbled to the pillow. “What are you doing here?”
She plundered into the bed and rested her face in front of mine. “How are you?”
“I’ve seen brighter days.”
“Have you seen darker ones?”
“Not many.”
“Well,” she sighed, presumably studying the dried tears that stained my cheeks, “it’s not much, but it’s a start.”
“A start to what?”
“Life. Moving on with yours.”
“That sounds great, but I have nowhere to go,” I yawned. “I can hardly even get to sleep, much less anywhere else on the ‘live again’ spectrum.”
“From what I hear, you haven’t been eating, either.”
“What? You and Cameron are like bosom buddies now?” I tried to chuckle.
“Hardly,” she scoffed and then smiled. “I think we both recognize that at a certain point in time, you have to grow up; you can’t let hostility and negativity overtake you when someone you love needs you.”
“I see.”
“And I’m not implying that you need me, in particular. I think you just need... support.”
“I need you,” I confirmed.
“No, you don’t,” she grinned.
“Yes, I do.”
“From what I saw of you and Cameron in Australia, you definitely don’t. You looked okay to me, man.”
“Looks can be incredibly deceiving,” I yawned again, turning so that I was lying on my back. “The truth can always be found in what’s bubbling just below the surface.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” she agreed with an indiscreet sigh. She shifted in the bed so that our positions were identical, her staring up at the ceiling while I stared at her conversation. “This is such a random ass question, but do you ever feel like you’re emotionally paralyzed? Like, you’re screaming on the inside for some kind of attention or affection, or really, just any reaction from anyone and it’s like nobody can fucking hear what you’re saying.”
She just described the past six months of my life, to a tee. “Yes,” I answered simply.
“How’d you get someone to listen?”
“I wish I had that answer for you, but I’m still screaming, baby.”
I am beautifully broken and I don’t mind if you know it
I am beautifully broken and I don’t care if I show it
“Well, what do you wanna say?”
“Too much to put into actual words,” I decided. “I think it’s best if I just keep that part of me locked away where it is.”
“But what if it’s the root of your entire problem?”
“I think that airing my dirty laundry will make the problem even bigger.”
“Not if you just wash it right here and now.” She smiled and turned her face towards me, once again, waiting for my answer. “Even if it doesn’t make you feel any better, how much worse could it get?”
Everyday is a new day I’m reminded of my past
“You’d be surprised.” I know I’ve been knocked out by the unexpected punch of always getting more bad news.
Every time there’s a new storm, I know that it won’t last
“Try me.”
“I want you to come back,” I admitted. “Come back to me. So we can do it right this time.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning... I don’t know exactly. I just know that I want you and me together.”
Every moment I’m filled with hope ‘cause I get another chance
But I will try, I will try
“And last time, you didn’t?”
“That’s not what I mean. I just “ I’ve learned from the mistakes I made with you.”
“So, does that mean we can go public so that I don’t have to hide behind you and Cameron’s relationship? And she can stop infiltrating our lives with her bullshit?”
“You want a public relationship?” I sputtered.
“Well, I don’t wanna be Nick and Jessica, but I want a hundred percent of you, Justin, and not just you behind closed doors; not while the world assumes you’re in love with Cameron Diaz.”
“Why does it matter what the rest of the world thinks?”
“Because I’m not ashamed to say that I’m in love with you and I want the same respect. I wanna hold your hand when we walk down the street, not caring whether the paparazzi are gonna show up and instigate tabloid speculation.”
“Public relationships are so hard, though. You really wanna be that girl on the cover of Us every week?”
“I don’t care!” she sniffled as she sat up in bed. “I don’t care, Justin. My focus is you “ all of you, and that’s the only way I’ll take you.”
“I’m not ready for that,” I softly intimated. “I can’t go there right now.”
“I can wait.”
“You would?”
“Like I said before, I don’t mind waiting as long as I know I’m waiting for something. And I know now’s not the easiest time for you to make a huge change like that, so we can wait for your wounds to heal.”
Got nothing left to hide
“So what do we do until then?”
“How about... I stick around,” she suggested, taking my hand into hers and resting her head on my chest. “And we’ll both be not alone.”
I inhaled her presence and stared down at her shimmering black hair, feeling like I’d just come in contact with tranquility. “Not alone sounds perfect right now.”
I am beautifully broken and I don’t mind if you know it
I’m beautifully broken and I don’t care if I show it
Not Alone was really working for me. There were no strings attached to the situation, and as the summer came to a sullen close, Not Alone eventually became I’m Okay. I still didn’t wanna shave or bathe or even look at people that I didn’t feel inexcusably close to. But breathing was okay, I got through CFTC with mostly smiles, which killed me for about ninety percent of the time, but I did it, and I even ventured to take another Hawaiian vacation with Cameron and Friends without disaster ensuing.
The dynamism of true love is kind of amazing, I think. I don’t mean being truly in love, but I mean, the love people give you when you need healing; when you need a shoulder. Somehow, Devin and Cameron teamed up to make this amazing support system for me, and I honestly couldn’t be more thankful to them for looking past my flaws to help me get back to whatever the hell I was before losing it “ before losing Jailyn.
Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
“Hello?” That was my new abnormally normal greeting for when I answered my cell, even when I knew who was calling.
“What’s up, bitch?” And Devin was back to her old salutation to me.
“Not much,” I chuckled. “I’m just walkin’ in the house.”
“Oh yeah, where you comin’ from?”
“Believe it or not, the grocery store. I’m cookin’ a little dinner if you wanna stop by.”
“You’re doing what?” she loudly demanded.
“Yes, I’m cooking. It ain’t nothin’ elaborate “ just some hamburgers and corn-on-the-cob for the grill.”
“You’re havin’ a cookout and I wasn’t invited?”
“I just invited your ass.”
“And what if I hadn’t called, bitch?”
“Then I’d be eatin’ by myself,” I shot back smartly, as I attempted to put away my newly purchased groceries. “Where are you anyway?”
“You really don’t like to utilize that security system of yours, do you?”
“I’m never near it,” I defended. “Why?”
“‘Cause I’m rollin’ up your driveway as we speak.”
“Haven’t you ever heard of calling before you come,” I teased.
“What you think I’m doin’ now?”
“Being your typically random and annoying self.”
“Ohh, you’re so funny,” she dryly commented. “Open the door for me.”
“It’s open,” I smiled to myself, closing my phone as I heard her approaching footsteps, deeming the call pointless. As the last few items were retrieved from their respective bags, I watched in amusement as Devin struggled to open the back door while glaring at me through its window. I simply grinned back for a minute before finally deciding to help her.
“You’re such an ass,” she informed me after throwing a pile of mail to my kitchen table. “I told you to open the door.”
“It was open.”
“I didn’t say to unlock the door; I said open it!”
“What is all this, anyway?”
“It’s your freakin’ mail from while you were off in Hawaii.”
I started to sift through the envelopes, most of which were from stalker-like fans, mixed in with a few bank statements and other relatively unimportant things. “I’ve been back for two weeks “ what took you so long?”
She simply shrugged and pulled off her Sean John sweatshirt, which was really mine, and threw it to an empty chair. “So how far along is dinner?”
“It’s still in the pre-preparation stages.”
“So, in other words, you haven’t done shit.”
“Exactly,” I laughed. “But if you want to, you can get started on it.”
“Me?” she repeated incredulously. “No sir, buddy. This is your meal. I’m the guest tonight.”
“Come on, you know you wanna cook.”
“I know I don’t. Do somethin’ for me for a change.” She stared directly into my eyes, challenging me to say something back but then softened her gaze with a smile. “Can you try that?”
And roped me in, so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated
“I can try that.”
I am vindicated
As to be expected, Devin ended up helping out with dinner. I still made the burgers and the corn on the grill, but she whipped up some pasta salad and kiwi-strawberry lemonade to add to our intimate cookout. She also randomly decided that a haircut was in order, and I can’t say I disagreed. I hadn’t shaved or even thought about removing the hair from my head in over a month, so she did her thing and cleaned me up.
It was a fun little evening, I must say. It felt like I’d been reintroduced to the Devin that was my homegirl. The one I was infatuated with. And I figure that infatuation is okay, as long as it’s not confused with love, which is something I intended to clear the nebulous air of. Eventually.
“That was so good,” Devin yawned, pushing her plate past her half-full glass. “Those burgers were perfect.”
“I can’t believe you just ate three of ‘em,” I laughed, glancing at her plate that contained only a cob with not a kernel of corn left.
“Hey, I don’t pass up good food,” she yawned again. “And I don’t apologize for it either.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“I suppose that’s why these hips ain’t goin’ nowhere,” she sighed.
“And they shouldn’t.”
“Shut up.”
“I’m serious,” I quipped, glancing up at the stars that decorated our dinner on the patio. “You should embrace yourself, big hips and all.”
She chuckled and rolled her eyes as she stood from her seat, taking her and my plates with her. “Is that what you learned in group therapy?”
“Not unless group therapy is what you call me and my mom crying at the kitchen table every couple of weeks,” I scoffed, following her into the house.
“No, I just call that healing.”
I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I’m right
I swear I knew it all along and I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
“Well then no,” I grinned. “I just know you should love yourself. Even if you can’t find a reason to.”
“You’re so cute.” After scraping our plates, she headed for the sink, piling the few dishes used to make dinner into it and turned on the water. “You wanna dry?”
“I’ll wash,” I decided, pushing her out of the way.
“You’ll wash?” she repeated. “Am I dreaming here?”
“Hey, I know how to be domesticated and shit.”
“Coulda fooled me.”
“Just dry the damn dishes,” I instructed. “Asshole.”
“You just wash the damn dishes, bitch.” She smiled warmly as she took the first plate from me while shifting back and forth on her sock-covered feet in her need to constantly be moving.
So clear like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye
“Do you ever wonder... why your heart won’t do what your mind tells it to do?”
“I guess I never really thought about it,” she answered after a few seconds of debate, placing the last pot on the drying rack. “That was random.”
“I know. I was just standing here watching you and I just realized that... I’m not ready for you and me to be together again.”
“Even more random,” she chuckled. “We haven’t even discussed that in the past two weeks.”
“I know, but it’s been on my mind since the minute you said you wanted to go public.”
“Why is that?” she frowned.
“I don’t know. I just... I dunno.”
“Yes you do.” She threw her dish towel to the sink’s ledge and leaned against it, watching me fall into a nervous blush. “Tell me. What’s bothering you about it?”
“Nothing’s bothering me, perse. I’m just... not ready.”
“Well, like I said, I’m willing to wait for you to be ready.” She took my hand in hers and ran her thumb over a small portion of my own. “I understand that now’s not the best time.”
“But I won’t ever be ready.”
And that’s where she dropped my hand completely. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I just don’t think I can commit to showing the world that you and I are together.”
“Yes, I get that,” she spat back. “I’d like to know why.”
“I don’t know why.”
“Am I not famous enough for you?” She scratched through her endless black tresses and threw them into a sloppy ponytail as she waited for my answer. “Is that it?”
And render me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am vindicated
“Of course not.”
“Then what?”
“It has nothing to do with you. It’s my bullshit that I can’t get together.”
I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I’m right
I swear I knew it all along and I am flawed
“Oh, that is bullshit. Why is it that you don’t care if the world thinks you’re with Cameron, but being with me is just too much for you to handle?” she loudly demanded. “Is it because I’m black?”
“Devin, please.”
“I’m serious. I can’t figure out what it is about me that’s so bad.”
“You don’t even look black.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that my mother is, and therefore I am,” she informed me with a clenched jaw. “And what else would explain the fact that every black woman you’ve ever come into contact with has been kept under the radar?”
“You sound insane right now,” I impugned. “I hope you know that.”
“So... how many people outside of your circle of friends knew about Michaela? And Summer? Or hell, even Beyonce?”
“That’s not my fault.”
“How do all the blondes manage to get all the attention? Shit, your half a second relationship with Alyssa got more play in the media than me and Mikey put together.”
“This is ridiculous,” I chuckled nervously. “I’m not having this conversation.”
“Of course you’re not,” she sighed. “Because whenever shit gets too real for you, you get to run away.”
“I haven’t gone anywhere.”
But I am cleaning up so well
“Then talk to me.”
“What do you want me to say? That I don’t think you’re good enough to be with unless it’s behind closed doors?” I asked with raised eyebrows. “No, I won’t say that.”
“Of course you won’t.” She rolled her eyes, walking away from the scene of the crime without anymore words.
“What does that mean,” I called after her.
“It means you’re still a pussy,” she shot back, not missing a beat.
“And you still need to grow the hell up.”
She reappeared in the kitchen entrance with her untied cream and white Diesels on her feet. “But you agree that you’re a pussy.”
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
“If you agree that you’re a spoiled little bitch that needs to grow up and be a woman.”
“I’m trying to grow up. I’m trying to have an adult relationship that doesn’t entail ducking behind doors when the cameras go off or lying to my own parents if they ask me about you in front of the wrong person. You need to grow up and realize that you won’t lose your fanbase or the respect of your little idiot Hollywood friends if you date someone that isn’t some famous bottle-blonde.”
“I don’t know where you’re getting this insane idea from,” I scoffed.
“From observation!” she shouted. “It becomes pretty clear when the only people you publically associate with are A-List white people! You do a song with Pharrell, hop on stage with the Black Eyed Peas, and you think you’re fooling somebody?”
“Devin, get out of my house,” I solemnly responded. “Seriously.”
“Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“You call me a racist and expect for me to let you stay?”
“I’m not calling you a racist,” she chuckled demonically. “I’m saying you need to stop with the front. ‘Cause even if no one else sees past it, I do, and it’s old.”
“You honestly think I don’t want to be with you because you’re black? Oh wait “ half black? What if it’s because you’re pushy, manipulative, rude, arrogant, self-seeking and I don’t think the rest of the world should know that I’m the kind of man that loves you in spite of it?”
“Oh, my God!” she shrieked with her jaw dropped to the floor. “You are unbelievable, dude. Seriously, unbelievable. Pot meet kettle, please.”
“Don’t even go there,” I interrupted her. “I think you’ve said enough ignorant shit for one night.”
“I hope you don’t think just because of the few changes you’ve barely made over the past two months that you’re exempt from all the bullshit you’ve done in the past.”
You build me up, you knock me down
“I think that, given the current situation, it’s safe“.”
“‘Given the current situation,’ my ass,” she inserted. “You wanna change shit in your life, you do it and stop letting every little fucking obstacle hold you back. If you want me, you’d be with me. Obviously, you just don’t want me enough to do so.”
“Obviously,” I nodded.
“I guess that would be my cue to leave.” She let her hair fall out of its five-minute ponytail and grabbed her purse from the table before heading down the hall.
“Wait,” I ran after her.
“What?” She gave me a bored expression as she bit at her bottom lip.
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Well, I did. I’ll see you around.”
She made an attempt for the front door before I grabbed her hand. “Please don’t go like this.”
“Get off of me,” she directed, pushing my touch away.
“Devin, I’m sorry,” I continued, still grasping for a piece of her. “Honestly.”
Provoke a smile, you make me frown
You are the queen of runaround, you know it’s true
“Honestly, I don’t give a fuck anymore. Get off of me,” she emphasized, elbowing me in the chest. That shit hurt, too.
“Fine.” I pushed her ass back and she stumbled into the front door. “Get out then.”
“Oh, I see how it works. You don’t get what you want, so you kick me out.”
“Damn right.”
“Well, fuck you.” She punched me in the shoulder and then tried to rush out of the door, but I caught her by a handful of her hair before she could escape. “Justin!”
“What?”
“Let go of me!”
“Say you’re sorry.”
“Hell no.”
I tightened my grip on her hair and pulled her closer to me. “Say it.”
She contorted her head around my hand so that we were standing face to face, my fingers still wrapped unforgivingly around her silky black locks while she frowned at me. “Let go of me.”
“Apologize.”
You chew me up, you spit me out
Enjoy the taste I leave in your mouth
Before I could even realize where her hand was going, she slapped the shit out of me. “Let go of me.”
“Apologize,” I directed for the third time.
“I’ll cut my hair off before I apologize to you,” she bit back before slapping me again. “Let go of me.” The pain that came with her hits innately forced me to throw her into a neighboring wall, causing her back to crash against it with a loud thud. “You’re such a bitch,” she whispered evilly. The look on her face told me I was about to get my ass kicked, but she threw me for a loop and let her lips take a dive for my mouth.
I immediately gave in to her, letting my grasp taper from her hair and latch on to her hips, while my tongue slowly covered the outside of her lips, waiting to be let inside. After indulging in the taste of her mouth for a good five minutes, a war between the worlds of my two heads began to ensue and the larger one was winning out, causing me to pull away from the situation. “Wait,” I paused.
“What’s wrong?” she asked breathlessly, licking her swollen lips.
You look at me, I look at you
Neither of us know what to do
“What are we doing?”
She shook her head as her ice blues bored into me. “I don’t know. Who cares?”
“I don’t know, maybe we should care.”
“Since when do you care about mindless sex?” she questioned hurriedly.
“Since... I don’t know.” I wracked my brain for an answer that just wouldn’t appear. “I don’t know.”
“So... should I go?” She raised an arched eyebrow, and picked up her purse from where it had fallen to the floor amidst our mini-rendezvous. “I’ll see you later?”
I silently grabbed her arm again, unwilling to let her leave me anymore. “No,” I softly refused.
There may not be another way to your heart
So I guess I better find a new way in
“What?”
“Don’t go.”
“I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to speak up,” she chided. “What’d you say?”
“Don’t go!” I shouted at her face before throwing her back into the wall.
And I shiver when I hear your name
I think about you but it’s not the same
She smiled ever-so-slightly as she watched me quickly unzip her complicated shirt so that I could free her breasts from the captivity they’d been screaming at me to be freed from all night. After licking at her soft nipples and letting my tongue lavish all areas above and below, I picked her up by the waist, allowing her to wrap her legs around my hips and carried her towards a destination I hadn’t quite figured out yet.
“Where are you going?” she whispered, freely kissing the sides of my ridiculously clean-shaven face.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled into her chest.
“Well then, put my ass down.”
I did as told and dropped her ass in the middle of the floor, smiling at the jiggle of her tits when I did so. “Can I do that again?” I laughed.
“Can you drop me again? Hell no,” she frowned, punching me in the arm again before pulling me towards her by my shirt. “Now fuck me before I fuck you up,” she smirked.
I won’t be satisfied ‘til I’m under your skin
Without anymore words, I pushed her down to the bottom step of my staircase, completely turned on by the fact that I hadn’t had sex in months and I had a lot of tension to release. She unzipped the rest of her shirt, throwing it completely off before pulling me down to her level by the buckle of my belt. I kneeled at her command, resting my arms on her thighs, my hands gripping her waist and I brushed my lips against hers, tilting my head to the left to get a perfect grasp on her tongue as the kiss grew.
It was less than thirty seconds before our immense passion sent us clangoring from the steps to the floor, our tongues wrestling and our bodies doing the same. Her fingers clawed at my biceps and even made it past my shirt sleeves to grip at my bare shoulders underneath. Meanwhile, I nipped at any skin that was exposed and willing to be covered by my lips.
“Take off your shirt,” she whispered sexily, igniting the internal fire that had already been lit inside me.
I ignored her request and continued to prod her lips with my tongue just as we flipped over, now putting her in the top position. With my back flat against the hard wood floor, her straddling me, we stopped kissing and licking each other just long enough for me to frantically unbutton her jeans. She, in the same hasty fashion, ripped my shirt off of my torso. Literally. “What did you just do?” I interrupted.
She looked around confused and peered down at me. “What?”
It was hard to concentrate, much less look her in the eye with those huge tits staring me in the face, so I decided not to try and do both. “What?” I eventually replied, absently.
Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
“Up here,” she snapped her fingers at me repeatedly.
“Huh?”
“What the hell did you stop for?”
I finally sat up, reentering reality for a few seconds. “Dude, you just ripped my shirt.”
“You stopped for that!”
“It’s my favorite shirt.”
“And you stopped for that?” she repeated loudly.
“Yes, I did,” I mumbled.
“I just don’t know what I want with you,” she sighed. She harshly pushed my shoulder so that I was lying flat against the floor again and rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky I love you.”
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true, but I believe them anyway
This time, it was my turn for me to roll my eyes. Without another word, I pulled her face towards me by grabbing her hair and flipped us over again so that I was back on top and back in control. I un-gently lifted her ass from the floor so that I could roll her jeans off of her hips, leaving her in just a periwinkle thong. Up until this point, I’d been handling the task of pacing myself pretty well, but seeing her naked always did send my senses, and more importantly, my erection, into overdrive.
So come to bed, it’s getting late
There’s no more time for us to waste
I couldn’t help but lick my lips at the peek of pussy that her barely-there thong showed off. There’s nothing like a tease to get my blood flowing. I looked up at her to see her looking back down at me, finding that her eyes seemed to be encouraging me to do exactly whatever it was my head was telling me to do.
Remember how my body tastes
Feel your heart begin to race
The two of us eventually rolled our way from where we had been in the foyer and made it to the kitchen floor while my jeans clung to my left ankle to go along for the ride. I guess we’d been too frenzied to get all of our clothes completely off and I was determined to make the most of every second. I didn’t waste any time hoisting her right leg over my shoulder for a perfect angle into her depths. I pushed her underwear to the side and took a dive inside.
Maybe it was the immediacy of her sexy ass moan, or the feel of the elastic from her thong against my dick, or maybe it had just been too damn long, but I felt a recognizable shiver at very first touch. But I couldn’t go out like that yet, so I concentrated on something else as I pounded it into her. Her eyes. I fixated in on her piercing orbs, watching them squint back at me as if she were daring me to blink or something. I didn’t know what the hell she was trying to say, but I still got the message.
There may not be another way to your heart
Eventually, her stare added more intensity to the situation than I was willing to handle, so I threw her leg off of me and picked her up by the waist to turn her around, physically demanding her on all fours. I loomed over her in the same position, rolling my tongue from any part of her neck that wasn’t covered by her hair, down to the small of her back. Simply because of the pure perfection of her ass, I couldn’t help but watch it for a few seconds before I let my lips drop to it, devouring the vanilla flesh that was, at one point, my most favorite thing in the world. She even upped the ante and poked the booty out a little higher to give me easier access inside.
So I guess I better find a new way in
Once I pulled my tongue out of her ass and she stopped giggling at the sensation, I swiftly pushed her legs a little further apart before essentially ripping the thong off completely. I penetrated her pussy, once again, but teasing her by not exactly going all the way. Before going in substantially, I trailed my fingers along her opening, knowing from the way she flinched, that I was driving her crazy.
“What are... what,” she moaned, “are you d-doing?”
“What?” I asked, feigning some shape of innocent ignorance.
“Please, J.”
“Say what?”
“Justin,” she whined immaturely, “stop it.”
“Stop what?” I asked, smiling as I licked my fingers.
“Stop tickling me and fuck me,” she spat back loudly.
“But this is so much more fun,” I teased.
“Do it!” she demanded harshly.
And that was all the ammo I needed. Without warning, I squeezed her ass and forcefully pulled it towards my dick, sending me further into her than she was apparently ready to handle because she let out a scream-slash-moan that motherfuckers in New York could’ve heard. “You okay?” I asked eventually. I don’t know why I asked because it’s not like I would’ve stopped if she wasn’t.
If she said anything in reply, I couldn’t hear it from where I was behind her, but she seemed to be nodding her head, so I took it upon myself to beat into her harder, faster, and deeper as the seconds grew. She groaned and I panted at the exact, quickened pace that her ass connected to my hips. We were like some kind of machine for those few moments in time, or maybe a wild ass ride for one another to embark on. I know I sure as hell wasn’t ready to get off anytime soon. No matter what price I had to pay.
And I shiver when I hear your name
I think about you but it’s not the same
I won’t be satisfied ‘til I’m under your skin
“I have a confession to make,” I whispered into Devin’s bare shoulder “ the shoulder I’d been using as my pillow for the past five minutes.
“My ass hurts,” she suddenly realized, contorting in the bed so that we were facing each other, taking away my pillow in the process.
“That’s not exactly the segue I wanted,” I chuckled, fixing my sheets over her body.
“I’m sorry,” she laughed back. “That kitchen floor was rough, man.”
“You’ll be okay.”
“I’m glad you carried me upstairs, ‘cause I don’t think I would’ve been able to walk.”
“That’s probably the best compliment you’ve ever given me,” I smiled goofily. I yawned for another thirty seconds before getting back to my original goal. “So, as I was saying“.”
“I’m sorry, what’s your confession, sir?”
“Well... I um, I thought about what you said,” I initiated, resting my hand on top of hers, under the covers, “and I don’t wanna be Not Alone anymore. I wanna be with you.”
“You wanna be with me.”
“Yeah. We can do it your way “ No more Cameron, no more secrets and hiding behind public perception.”
“And you’re serious about this?”
“Yeah.” Although I was looking down, I could feel the presence of her smile, which, in turn, made me smile back. “I’m giving you a hundred percent.”
“Are you doing this just to prove you don’t need a woman with blonde hair and fifty million in the bank?”
“Now why do you wanna go and ruin a good moment with bullshit?”
“I’m just making sure you’re not gonna wake up one morning and change your mind or think you made a mistake or somethin’,” she defended.
I draped my arm over her shoulder and reassuringly pulled her body into mine, ready to fall asleep with my old new girlfriend at my side. “I think it’s safe to say you’re stuck with me.”
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I’m right
I swear I knew it all along and I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
The next morning, I woke up early “ earlier than I would want to on a Sunday, anyway. Cameron called at around 8:00 and asked me to go to breakfast with her, so I obliged, simply because Devin was knocked out and after the night before, I figured she would be for a while. That, and I made a promise to Devin that Cameron would be gone, so there was no use in waiting to break it to her.
I picked her up in my new Jeep Rubicon and we headed for the Griddle Café, talking and laughing the whole way there. I had to admit, I was gonna miss the bright side of Cameron “ the one that made me laugh when nothing else did. Yes, she annoyed me seventy-five percent of the time, but she was sometimes there when no one else would be. Part of me couldn’t believe that I was doing the same thing to her twice in one lifetime.
“What’s wrong, buddy?” She seemed to sense my unease as she watched me not devour the pancakes that I loved so dearly from this place. “You seem out of it all of a sudden.”
“I’m fine,” I lied, adding a fake smile for effect.
“Liar.”
“I am.”
“I won’t push it,” she said, raising her hands in surrender. “I’ll just sit here and drink my coffee.”
“There’s nothing to push,” I chuckled, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out to see ‘Mommy’ flashing on the screen. Although I’m pretty sure I’d never save my mom under that title, I didn’t really think anything of it at the moment and answered the phone as I usually do. “Hey, ma.”
Naturally, I expected to hear my own mother, so you can imagine my surprise when it wasn’t. “Is this Justin?”
“Maybe. Who is this?”
“This is Deborah. How are you doing, sweetheart?”
Deborah? I looked at my phone for a minute, wondering why Devin’s mother would be calling me. Then it struck me that I picked up her phone thinking it was mine. Damn her for insisting on those matching cell phones. “I’m sorry, Deb “ I thought you were someone else. But I’m doing well, and you?”
“I’m doing well,” she answered cheerfully. “Just trying to locate my daughter after she never called me back yesterday.”
“Oh okay. Yeah, she’s, uh, actually back at the house still sleeping, I’m sure.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I came out to breakfast and grabbed her phone by accident,” I explained.
“Oh, one of those ‘Brown Sugar’ situations. I see,” she seemed to understand with a laugh. “Well, I’m glad I caught you because that must mean you and Devin are talking again.”
“Yeah, we’re good now,” I smiled at the thought.
“After the pregnancy and she said you were ignoring her, I really thought you two were done, so it’s good to see that you’re working things out,” she continued.
I bit my lip at the words I’d just heard, replaying them in my head to make sure I didn’t just imagine it. I mean, you heard it, too, right? After the pregnancy. So, is it just me, or did we miss something?
Like I said, no matter how low I get, there’s always further to fall.
Lyrics:
“Beautifully Broken” - Ashlee Simpson (I Am Me)
“Vindicated” - Dashboard Confessional (Spiderman 2 Soundtrack)
“Shiver” - Maroon 5 (Songs About Jane)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
