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27. Without Peace Of Mind

The two months after Devin left me gave me more than enough time to rethink my whole game plan. I decided to devote them to my daughter and her mother; I wanted to be a good father – a good man. I didn’t want to pass on my negative traits to Jailyn, because if I wasn’t careful, my tainted love just might push her out of my life along with everyone else. As the most precious thing to my heart, the most gorgeous gift I’ve ever received, I couldn’t let her leave me, too.

Thankfully, I didn’t have any work lined up after the movie wrapped at the end of April. And when May rolled around, Summer decided that while she was in summer school, that I could keep Jai on a regular basis, and she’d come out to visit us on the weekends.

As surprising as it may be, I’d really come to love and enjoy the relationship that Summer and I shared. We were, by no means, perfect, but after all the shit I pulled when she was pregnant, it’s a wonder that we’re even on speaking terms. Long ago, she told me that she didn’t want Jailyn to grow up the way she did, yearning for a connection to her father so I couldn’t be more thankful for Summer’s compassion and patience. In return, I’ve loved her the best way I knew how over the past year. My dad always told me that the most important thing a father can do for his child is love their mother – and God, I really did love Summer. I loved her for helping create the most beautiful person in the world, if nothing else; and for giving me the chance to love that person, I couldn’t thank her enough.

It was about 5PM on a quiet early-June afternoon when Summer came bustling through my back door with Jailyn crying her eyes out and Summer seemingly flustered. “What’s wrong?” I demanded in alarm, leaving my spot at the kitchen table to rush towards them. I gently took Jailyn from her, trying to sway her out of her unknown pain while Summer removed her turquoise fedora to fan our daughter with it. “What’s going on?” I continued to question.

“You have... a swarm of paparazzi outside your house,”she finally revealed, solemnly. “They just chased me all the way down Ventura and then they wouldn’t let me get into the gate once I got here.”

I could feel my frown intensify with every passing second, with every word she uttered, but I couldn’t tense up and go off, just because I didn’t want to scare Jailyn. “So how did you get in?” I asked calmly as I held her hand with my free one, bring both of my girls to the kitchen table.

She exhaled heavily and wiped at her tear-stained cheeks as she took a seat. “I don’t even know,” she shook her head, “I don’t know. I didn’t want to bring any extra attention by calling you or the police, but I was so scared. All I could see were lights flashing; and then Jai was crying – it was horrible.”

“I know.” I ran my thumb over her shaking hand while my leg involuntarily shook in anger as well. “I’m so sorry.”

“I mean, how do they even know who I am,” she went on to say while more tears streaked her chocolate cheeks. “I don’t get this.”

“They’re literally stalkers.”

“They’re monsters,” she added. Her eyes dropped down to Jailyn, who was still whimpering here and there. “Justin, you know how I feel about her being in the public eye.”

“I know,” I nodded, still coddling Jailyn while comforting Summer. “I’m gonna take care of it.”

“How? They took so many pictures.”

“Well, first of all, they have no proof of anything,” I explained. “Secondly, they were on my private property and they have no legal right to print those pictures.”

“That doesn’t mean they won’t!”

“Calm down,” I told her softly. “It means once the picture agencies find out from my lawyers what they sacrifice by publishing them, no one will buy them.”

“Really?”

“Trust me – I’ve had this happen a million times.”

“But how many times in the millions was it ‘Justin Timberlake’s daughter’ they were looking to publicize?”

“Can you just trust me?”

“I trust you; I just don’t trust them.”

“Well, trust me to take care of them.” I smiled, playing with the ends of Jailyn’s ponytails. “Everything will be fine.”

“Well, all right,” she sighed. “I think it’s about time for her nap.” She held out her arms to retrieve her child, yawning in the process.

“It looks like you need one, too,” I chuckled. “I’ll put her down.”

“I’m fine. I’ll do it.”

“Summer, go upstairs and take a nap. I got this.”

She looked at us with her caramel stare for a minute before finally relenting. She kissed Jailyn on the forehead, Jailyn offering her toothy grin in reply, and headed for her guest room.

“All right,” I began, turning Jai around so she was facing me. “What do you say to a little nap?”

She adorably shook her head and then nodded numerous times before I gave her a kiss that made her giggle furiously. She nestled into my chest temporarily before finally wrestling completely out of my grasp, landing with her feet planted firmly to the kitchen floor and held onto my hand.

“Oh, you wanna walk now.” Ever since she learned to move without assistance, she’s been a little busybody. “I think your mama was wrong when she said you needed a nap.”

She continued to babble something about “Daddy” as she had me walk in circles around the kitchen with her. With any luck, if she tired herself out now, she’d sleep right on through the night. That’s what I was hoping, anyway.

Tonight when the darkness comes
Why don’t we treat it like a friend?

After another hour and a half of running amuck, I figured fatigue would eventually get the best of her, and somewhere around 8PM, she proved me right. She’d swung her last swing on the indoor set my parents bought her for Christmas, and was yawning about every three and a half minutes, but fighting it off as best she could.

“I think it’s about time for bed, mama. What do you think?”

Then we’ll both be glad to see the night
And hoping it’s never gonna end

“No,” she mumbled cutely, with her entire hand in her mouth.

“No?” I asked, laughing as I removed her from the immobile swing. “I think it is.”

She continued to shake her head and began to play with my messy mass of hair as we headed upstairs to her room. We entered her vibrant nursery, her seeming to be glad to see it – until I pulled out her pajamas, that is. Then came the waterworks.

“Oh, don’t start crying now,” I scolded gently. “You know bedtime is eight o’clock.” She cried even louder and did her best to resist my plight of new attire while I continued to remove her daytime clothes.

“What’s wrong?” Summer interrupted with a yawn, suddenly appearing in the threshold of the room.

“She doesn’t wanna go to bed,” I explained, removing her little white shorts.

“Oh, Lord.”

“You have a good nap?”

“It was perfect until I overheard Jai crying on the monitor,” she chuckled, approaching the two of us to assist me. Once Jailyn’s pajamas were put into place, Summer seemed to be agitated with the fact that she was still crying. “Did she take a long nap before?”

“No, she didn’t take one at all,” I divulged.

“Well, no wonder she’s acting like this,” she realized. “Jailyn!” she snapped her fingers simultaneously as she spoke her name bluntly and the crying immediately came to a cease, Jailyn’s gaze focused on her mother. “Daddy says it’s time for bed. Stop it,” she continued to instruct.

As Jai nodded in some astounding feat of comprehension, she stopped with the unpleasantries, turned around, and clung to my neck while her mother removed the remains of her previous outfit from the floor.

“Whoa,” I commented, slightly confused. “What was that?”

“Discipline,” she shot back. “Can you handle the rest? Or do you want me to stay and help you?”

“I think I got it,” I smiled, standing up from our rocking chair.

“All right. I’m gonna go and make something to eat, then – you want anything?”

“No, I’m good.” I placed Jai in her crib and added, “I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Jailyn,” she finished sweetly.

I watched her leave the room and then stared down at my baby, who had a massive grip on my index finger whereas her other hand was shoved in her mouth, once again. “What’s with you and that hand?” I questioned, trying to remove it from its permanent position above her tongue.

So don’t be afraid of what the nighttime may bring
You must understand that you can dream of anything

Before she could even fix her face to start crying, I stopped her. “No, don’t you start that. I know your mother didn’t teach you that thumb-sucking stuff. And trust me, you don’t wanna start,” I explained to her. “It won’t do you any good do become dependent on that. Or anything else, for that matter. I know you’re strong enough to not need a thumb to pacify you,” I lectured lamely. “Plus,” I added, leaning all the way down to whisper to her, “it messes up your teeth.”

She laughed at my comment, though chances are, she didn’t know what the hell I was saying. But then, I do that to her sometimes, so I guess we’re even in that respect.

“You know I love you, right?” I asked her softly. I didn’t expect an answer, but she did hold on tighter to my finger in return. It amazed me how beautifully happy she was. Her six-tooth grin always lit up my life. “All right, little lady; it’s lights out.”

So fall into sleep, peaceful and deep

She began to cry again, just as she was yawning, which somehow evolved into a slight cough. “You certainly are temperamental,” I chuckled. “How about I stay here with you until you fall asleep?”

And may this journey help you fly

She still didn’t seem satisfied, but we went with it anyway. I turned on her humidifier-slash-nightlight, switched off the overhead light-slash-fan and sat back down in the white rocking chair that was caddy-cornered across from the door. “I’m still here,” I yawned as her sniffles and coughing subsided.

When you can’t hold out much longer, don’t you cry
When the darkness is getting stronger

I was probably more tired than I realized, because I found myself yawning more and more with every few passing moments. But then again, thinking always had a narcoleptic effect on me. It was when I got into my over-analytic phase that sleep became a lost notion.

Sleep like a child, peaceful and deep
And when you lay you down, I pray your soul to keep

Sadly, the past two months left me completely sleepless. It was nightmares that kept me awake, because my fear of abandonment had come true and I’d become a slave to my dreams. The devastation of Devin leaving was a much bigger blow than I’d ever anticipated it being. I mean, I didn’t exactly think we’d last forever as a couple, but I’d known her since I was thirteen. I couldn’t imagine our friendship – our entire relationship – coming to a huge halt over such a minute mistake. I hadn’t talked to her in exactly sixty-five days; and hell yes, that shit keeps me up at night. There’s nothing worse than losing someone because of what you did. There’s no greater pain than breaking your own heart.

Well I know, I can see it in your eyes
You’re tired of fighting everyday, trying to struggle through the night

“When did life get so hard?” I whispered to the darkness. “When did I go from utterly happy to virtually miserable?” Sure, there are some highs, but when the lows begin to outweigh them, you have to take a step back and figure out what the hell you’re doing with yourself. I could get over losing Cameron. And eventually, even Devin. But I can’t cope without peace of mind. I couldn’t function without my sanity. And both of those were slipping away from me slowly, but surely. I glanced over to Jailyn’s crib, where the only sound that escaped it was her rhythmic breathing – the sound of peaceful sleep. “You’re my only reason for holding on,” I told her as I sighed. “You’re all I got.”

Yes I know, it’s hard to carry on
So just lay down your head, and in your dreams, you will be strong

I awoke the next morning with a chill washed over me. I’d fallen asleep in Jai’s rocking chair and stayed there for the majority of the night. Somehow, that was the best sleep I’d had in a long ass time. But around 4AM, I was stupid enough to head back to my own bed – my cold, lonely bed, where the only vapid solace was a pillow or two.

I skipped my usual routine of washing my face and brushing my teeth, as I had a tendency to do whenever Jailyn was here, and went straight for her nursery, hoping that she was close to waking up, so that we could have breakfast together.

I entered her room, a little disheartened to see that she was just as peaceful and quiet as she’d been when I tiptoed out in the middle of the night. I couldn’t help but stay and watch her, though, her reveling in being lost in slumber. Doing my best not to wake her, I ran my fingers over her blonde curls, smiling at their softness. But I gazed at her a little more intently, focusing on her back, attempting to figure out the pattern of her breathing, eventually realizing that there wasn’t one. Mainly, because she wasn’t.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered in panic. Immediately, I grabbed her inhaler from the shelf under her crib before pulling her out of bed and yelling into the quiet house. “Summer!” I shouted, trying to coerce the tube into Jailyn’s despondent mouth. “Summer!”

For a long time, there was only silence in reply to my calls – not long in normal terms, but in an emergency, thirty seconds is a matter of life and death. But she came hustling out of her room just in time to see me bustling into mine to obtain the phone. “Justin, what’s wrong?”

“She’s not breathing!” I yelled.

“What?” Confusion and alarm coated her typically serene voice. “What!”

“She’s not breathing!” I repeated. I picked up the cordless from my dresser, but my fingers couldn’t seem to dial those three integral numbers. “Call 9-1-1,” I pleaded to her.

She frantically grabbed the phone as tears rushed down our cheeks, while I did my best to save our baby. “God. Lord. Please help us,” she cried, waiting for an answer.

Nothing was working. She took tiny breaths about every twenty seconds, but I could feel her slipping away, the three of us unable to stop it. “Jailyn,” I sniffled, as Summer spoke to emergency response, “I need you to stay with me, baby. Please. Don’t give up on me here.” I continued to pulse air into her tiny system and inwardly prayed for some miracles here. “We need you, mama, so you gotta fight this.”

“She’ll be okay,” Summer kept repeating to herself beneath her phone call. “She’ll be okay.”

“Yeah,” I lifelessly attempted to encourage.

“She has to be, right?”

She was my once in a lifetime
Happy ending come true
I guess I should have told her
I thought she knew

I was wrong. There is greater pain than breaking your own heart. It’s watching your child fade away; feeling her slip through your hands. It’s watching her life end in your arms, knowing that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you beg her, yourself or God, you can’t stop her from leaving you. And the worst part of all, is knowing it should have been you.

She said I took her for granted
That’s the last thing I would do

She stopped breathing completely about forty seconds before the paramedics pulled into my driveway. I wouldn’t let them take her, just so they could poke and prod her and interrupt her peacefulness. But the assessment was that she’d had an asthma attack in her sleep. Goddamn. She had to leave the world, grasping for air. In what world is that fair?

Oh, I’ll never understand it

I wanted so badly to pull her back in and make her stay. But I guess she didn’t want to take on the possibility of leading my life. I don’t blame her – I mean, I would’ve given up, too. Life is just... I dunno, man. Nobody said it was easy, but nobody said it would be so hard. Maybe she figured that out early? Or maybe she just saw this as her only way to get away from the curse of being mine. I dunno. I just don’t know. Fuck if I don’t miss her, though. She was the only thing in my life I’d learned how to love right at this point.

I thought she knew my world revolved around her
My love light burned for her alone
But she couldn’t see the flame, only myself to blame

I didn’t tell anyone what happened. Somehow, someway, Summer managed to pull it together enough to call our parents and let them know what happened. My mom and her mom planned the entire funeral. Me, I haven’t said anything to anyone but God in the past three days. Not since she left me.

I haven’t cried anymore either. Not since I held her for the last time. It’s not because I didn’t want to – I even got mad at myself because I couldn’t. But it seemed that her disappearance pulled my soul with her. I was empty – so empty that I couldn’t squeeze out even a tear. Life had become mere motions over the past few days because everything that I had left, Jailyn took with her.

A heart full of words left unspoken
Now that we’re through

I entered my daughter’s funeral – God, that sounded so wrong – completely detached from the rest of the world. My parents guarded both my sides, the rest of my family at arm’s length, yet I still felt so incomprehensibly alone. When we reached her coffin, so tiny, silently showcasing the cruelty of the world, I watched Summer completely break down a few steps ahead of me.

I wondered when she would finally lose it and there it was. I wanted to help her. I wanted to cry with her and promise her that everything would be okay. I wanted to be the father that loved my child’s mother, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie anymore. Realistically, of course things would get better. The pain would eventually lessen and smiling would become okay again, but I couldn’t convince her of that if I didn’t believe it myself. So I watched her become a puddle of sadness on the church floor, her mother trying to console her, while I walked on by, still trying to feel something.

After my mom finished helping Summer to her seat, she joined me and my dad on the front pew of the church and took hold of my hand. “You wanna say anything yet?” she whispered, leaning on my shoulder.

I just shook my head, staring blankly at people passing by. No matter how much I tried, words just wouldn’t come out. I was screaming for help, for consolation, once again on the inside, but on the outside, I couldn’t seem to convey the fact that I was dying for a solution, aching for an answer to this misery. But I couldn’t even shed a tear this time. I was scared that I was beyond repair by now.

I’d sell my soul to have this silence broken

The pastor of my church, Shelby Fores First Baptist, went on with his prayers and his blessings, offering condolences and inspiration to us all. I couldn’t help but only half-listen. I mean, how could I take him seriously when he hadn’t known Jailyn a day of her life? I should’ve been the one talking. I should have been the one to explain to the world what a miracle she was. She brought so much light to my life.

I thought she knew

But now, darkness clouded every happy thought I had of her, and I couldn’t bring myself to think any more than that, much less express it in words. I knew I should’ve been able to fight the depression. I should’ve fought through the sadness to celebrate Jailyn’s life, but it just seemed so wrong. She was taken too soon. And so, wallowing in my own lack of emotion seemed only appropriate.

I don’t know what told me to turn my head at the precise moment that I did, but it seemed that time stood still for a few seconds when Devin came walking into the church. She had been rather subtle – discreet, at best – but something turned my head when she reentered my life. I felt like I could breathe again. It hurt to do it, but knowing I could eased some of the pain that existed elsewhere.

I watched her move swiftly down the desolate isle, stopping at the pew that held my extended family. She excused herself past the few people in the row and sat down directly behind me, resting her delicate, trembling touch somewhere between my neck and my left shoulder. “It’ll be okay,” she whispered.

I’d heard it a million times, but this time, for some reason, I actually believed it. I wanted to move past this. I wanted to defeat the inevitability of my becoming an even worse man to become a good one. I wanted to stop living without peace of mind, and I felt like maybe I could believe that were possible if I knew Devin thought so, too. But most important, I finally felt something.

I rested my hand over the tips of her fingers and looked down to see a collection of tears drop to the cuff of my suit. I still couldn’t bring myself to speak, but it was a start. Maybe even a new beginning.

She was my once in a lifetime
Happy ending come true...


Lyrics:
“Sleep Like A Child” - Joss Stone (Mind, Body & Soul)
“I Thought She Knew” - *NSYNC (No Strings Attached)


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