25. It Isn’t Working
A long week finally got us to and from London and eventually to the night before Jailyn’s birthday, though it hadn’t been a particularly easy process, by any means. Devin and I had been fighting, unnecessarily, might I add, for the entire two weeks. I don’t know what it is about her that makes me wanna wring her neck and kiss her all in the same breath, but I guess it is what it is. However, I didn’t chase her all this time in vain, so we plan to stick it out, whatever the hell ‘it’ may entail.
“Justin, are you gonna come to bed, or what?” Devin sleepily demanded, rolling around between the navy blue sheets of my bed.
My eyes slowly and hesitantly drifted from the blank television screen and landed on her. “Am I disturbing you?”
“Yeah, a little.”
“God forbid my silence is disrupting your tossing and turning. Or is it waking whatever the hell crawled up your ass?”
“You’re not fucking funny,” she muttered, her long legs kicking me from where I sat at the foot of the bed.
“Yeah, and you’re just hilarious,” I sardonically furthered as I retreated from where I fell to the floor. “Why aren’t you asleep anyway?”
“Because you’re staring into space and it’s fucking weird.”
“How can that bother you?” I queried.
“Because it does.” She made a futile attempt at kicking me again, but this time I grabbed her foot and held on for dear life. “Let go of me!”
“Stop kicking me,” I told her calmly. “Violent ass.”
“Don’t insult me,” she whined.
“Then don’t kick me.”
“Sorry.” She did it again with her other foot, but I guess you could say it was a playful one this time. “Can you come to bed, though?”
“I’m not sleepy,” I yawned.
“Okay... Do you want me to stay up with you?”
“If you want to,” I shrugged. “I’m not really in the mood to talk or be sociable, though.”
“Well, are you ever in the mood to talk or be sociable?” she chuckled. She wiggled her foot out of my grasp and crawled to the foot of the bed, kneeling beside me.
“Cute.”
Ruffling my messy hair, she giggled, “I’m kidding.”
“I know.”
“So, what is wrong with you? Are you mad ‘cause Nick is with Michaela down the hall?”
“What?” I scoffed, “No, of course not.”
“‘Cause I doubt if he came all the way to Los Angeles with her so she could sleep with you.”
“Devin, stop being an asshole,” I instructed.
“I’m not! I just don’t want you to gettin’ all discombobulated because she’s with her boyfriend.”
“I just can’t sleep, Devin. You can stop with the third degree.”
“Okay, okay,” she smiled again, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” I looked down at her, where she laid comfortably beside me, her chin rested on my thigh.
“Do you just hate me or is this a phase, Justin?”
I flinched at her question that caught me off guard, scared to answer it. I knew I didn’t hate her but I wasn’t sure whether it was just a phase. “I don’t hate you,” I stated honestly.
“But you don’t like me?”
“No, I like you...”
“You don’t love me?”
“No, that’s not it either.”
“Are you scared of me?”
“Devin, I seriously don’t know what the problem is.”
“But there is a problem,” she asked in statement form.
Yes... “I “ I don’t know,” I stuttered. “I mean, I don’t think there is.”
“Then why won’t you talk to me?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Whatever it is that you’ve been talking to Michaela about for the past two weeks. Why can’t you say it to me?” she begged softly.
I sighed lightly and picked up her hand from where it rested across my lap, intertwining our fingers. I smiled to myself when she squeezed my hand back. I don’t know when it happened that we grew apart or found it hard to talk to one another, because that’s always been the easiest aspect of our friendship, but holding her hand helped me reconnect to her for a moment in time. She felt like my girlfriend again and not just the girl I’m fucking. It reminded me of the fact that no matter how hard I may push her sometimes, she always pulls me with her.
For about half an hour, we sat there discussing Jailyn for the most part, but also the things we had planned for the next couple of weeks. I was getting ready to start shooting in Vancouver and she was thinking about teaching classes at Millennium’s dance complex, as most dancers tend to do in their off time.
“What do you think you would wanna teach?” I queried as we picked through a quart of Häagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche.
“There’s an opening for Level 2 Tap and Level 2 Jazz Funk, so I’m trying to decide which one would be challenging but fun for me.”
“Tap is like, insanely hard to pick up, isn’t it?”
“Yeah it is, and I don’t know if I have the patience to try and teach it to someone with some type of method to my madness,” she giggled. “But the payoff if anyone actually learned something from me “ I think it’d be amazing.”
“I think so, too,” I agreed. “If you’re willing to commit to something like that, I think you should go for it.”
“If I had an ultimate choice, I’d be teaching ballet, though... So I guess that’s what’s holding me back a little.”
“Why? Are you waiting for that slot to open up?”
“Yeah.”
“Well. It’s not like you have to do something right now,” I offered diplomatically. “You’re not struggling to pay the rent or anything.”
“No, I know,” she sighed, swallowing a gob of ice cream, “it’s not about the money. It’s just about feeling purposeful, you know? I mean, you don’t work because you need money but because you love what you do, right?”
“Yeah,” I rationed as a knock at my door interrupted our conversation. Knowing that it could only be one of about three people, I rolled my eyes at the disturbance and stared at Devin with playful eyes. “You wanna get it?”
“Who is it?” she requested loudly as she hopped up from the bed, pulling her boyshorts out of her ass as she swiftly moved to the door.
There was no reply before she swung the door open and I escaped to my bathroom to wash off our chocolate-covered spoons while the visitor was announced.
“Hey, is Justin awake?” I couldn’t see her, but from the voice, I knew it was Mikey.
“Yeah, come on in,” Devin offered with a sigh.
I had to chuckle at her tone because I knew she’d become totally exasperated with Mikey’s appearance every five minutes or so. “Hey,” I greeted her when she came tip-toeing into the room as I retreated from the bathroom.
“Hey,” she smiled. “You busy?”
“Not really,” I decided, glancing at Devin when she strolled past Michaela to stand by my dresser. “You need something?” I added.
“I was kind of hoping we could talk?”
“You can’t be serious,” Devin inserted.
We both looked at her, Mikey apparently confused. “Why can’t I be serious?”
“It’s like three in the morning. What could you possibly have to say that couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”
“Nothing that concerns you,” she quipped.
My head shot in Devin’s direction because I knew she was at her breaking point right about now. “Michaela, I’ve tried really hard to be nice to you. Please do not stand there and disrespect me any more than you already have,” she told her calmly.
Hey, how long ‘til the music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth
“I haven’t been any less respectful than you. At least I had the courtesy not to steal your boyfriend,” she mumbled.
I didn’t steal your boyfriend
“I’m sorry, what?” Devin said with her hand perched on her hip. “Speak up?”
“I said,” Mikey loudly retaliated, “At least I didn’t steal your boyfriend.”
“Oh, so I guess sneaking the conversations in at four A.M. is just what friends do.”
Hey, how long ‘til you face what’s goin’ on?
‘Cause you really got it wrong
I didn’t steal your boyfriend
My wide-eyed, slightly embarrassed stare shot back to Devin and I tried to stutter out an explanation. “I“.”
“Yes, Justin. I know you sneak and call her every fucking night.”
“Devin“.”
“Save it,” she rebutted. “If it makes you happy, do your thing, man.”
“That doesn’t constitute me stealing him, though,” Mikey interjected. “It’s not our fault if we’re both night owls.”
Well I’m sorry that he called me
And that I answered the telephone
“And if you’re not stealing him from me now, then I didn’t steal him from you back then,” she replied with raised arched eyebrows. “It’s not my fault if you were too much of a bitch to stay and fight for him.”
Hey, how long ‘til the music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth, I didn’t steal your boyfriend
Hey, how long ‘til you face what’s goin’ on, ‘cause you really got it wrong
I didn’t steal your boyfriend
“Devin,” I began to reprimand.
“Oh, now who’s being disrespectful?” Mikey chided.
“Michaela, stop it.”
“No, J. I’m kinda sick of her thinkin’ that mean-mug is gonna intimidate everyone away from you. I’m not Cameron, honey.” Mikey’s small eyes intensified on Devin before she added, “Not that you can get rid of her either.”
“Contrary to what you tell yourself, I have no desire to rid Justin of all his friends, nor did I try to get rid of you. I don’t want to monopolize his time, ‘cause you know what? I'm not scared of ‘competition’,” she rolled her eyes. “In fact, I love it.”
Hey, how long ‘til you look at your own life instead of lookin’ into mine?
I didn’t steal your boyfriend
“You’re so full of it, Devin. If you truly didn’t care half as much as you say you don’t, you wouldn’t have a problem with me being here at three A.M.”
“I never said I didn’t care. Because I definitely do care that you magically appear whenever I get a free minute with him. Like, I could’ve sworn you had a man of your own.”
Hey, how long ‘til you’re leaving me alone?
Don’t you got somewhere to go?
“Like, I’m pretty sure that’s none of your damn business.”
“I’m pretty sure it is when my man becomes the object of your affections.”
“Like I said, I didn’t do anything,” she sighed. “If you have a problem with him calling me all hours of the night, you need to take that up with him.”
I didn’t steal your boyfriend
“And who do I take it up with when I have a problem with you stopping by his room in the middle of the night?”
“Someone who cares,” Michaela answered smugly. “So, Justin... can we talk?”
My head had been lowered throughout most of the conversation, as I was desperately avoiding being brought into an argument that no one would ever win. But no matter how impossible this sudden disagreement seemed, Devin was still my girlfriend. “I think you should go,” I told Michaela softly.
Her mouth began to drop but she quickly reclaimed her jaw before it hit the floor and smirked at me. “Yeah, I guess I saw that coming,” she recognized.
“She’s my girlfriend.” It was my only defense.
“Oh yes, the woman you dread talking to and only enjoy fucking these days.”
My already wide eyes became even wider if that was possible and her name came booming from my mouth in outrage. “Michaela!” I’d told her that in sheer confidence.
“Oh, I guess I was supposed to keep that to myself, huh?”
I frowned at her for a while, scared of what else might come stumbling past her lips. “Who are you?” I asked her, shaking my head in disbelief and disdain. That was such a Cameron moment. I glanced over to Devin, whose beautiful features remained stoic in the face of Michaela’s ugly words. “Devin, I’m so sorry.”
“Think nothing of it,” she told me solemnly.
“I don’t want you to think that’s how I view you.”
“Well, did you say it?” she requested. “And try telling the truth for once.”
I stared at Michaela, remembering why I kicked her out of my hotel room that day. I couldn’t trust her. She was never just... Mikey “ not when it came to Devin, anyway. I absolutely loved and adored Michaela for so many reasons, but there was this little part of her that I totally despised. The insecurity had come back and reared an even uglier head than before. All this time, I thought it was Devin that was playing a role, feigning niceness but no, she wasn’t the fake one. No, it was Michaela. Devin deserved better than this. “Yes, I said it, Devin.”
“Well, all right then.” She sighed and slowly crawled into my bed, going so far as to even pull the covers over her head.
“Michaela, please go,” I requested softly.
“I’m so sorry, Justin.” She had tears in her eyes that I probably would’ve thought were for Devin if it had been any other day. Today, she just seemed like a stranger to me. “That was terrible of me,” she admitted.
She seemed sincere, but I wasn’t at a point where I really cared. “I can’t “ please, just go.”
“Do you want me to leave the house or just... what?”
“You don’t have to leave the house,” I reasoned. I couldn’t kick her out that way twice in one lifetime. “Just get out of my room please.”
“Can you forgive me?” she pleaded.
“I don’t even know who you are right now.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “I really am sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Good night, Michaela.”
“Good night.”
I watched her turn in defeat and exit the room, me waiting for the click of the door closing before I turned to the lump in the bed that was my girlfriend. “Devin?” I hadn’t heard any sniffles, so I assumed she hadn’t been crying. I just didn’t know whether or not that was a good thing.
But I can’t bear to listen to you cry
Sick of all these wasted years, a rag for someone else’s tears
I’ll wring you out as I hang you out to dry
Since I received no answer, I merely crept into bed with her, nestling into the space behind her and enveloped her hand in mine. No more words were spoken and her hand didn’t squeeze back as it usually did. It just rested limply in mine. Kind of a pitiful reminder of what our relationship was becoming.
All the time and everywhere
A happy surface but the underbelly isn’t there
The worst thing is that I don’t even really care
The emptiness is too much to bear
My daughter’s first birthday party went off without a hitch, pretty much. Considering the drama we’d had the previous night, I was surprised no fights broke out in the middle of eating ice cream. But Devin and Michaela kept their distance from one another, me and Devin engaged with Jailyn while Michaela spent the majority of the afternoon talking to my mom. Still, I was completely relieved when the majority of the guests had gone and the house was down to about six people from the twenty that previously occupied it.
“I can’t believe your baby girl is a whole year old,” my mom cooed as she entered my kitchen with an armful of empty plates. “Time moves so quickly.”
“I know,” I agreed, approaching the kitchen sink. “It’s scary how big she’s gotten over the past few months.”
“She’s actually pretty small for a one-year-old.”
“Really?”
“Yes, she is a tad bit petite,” she smiled before it evolved into her wonderfully hoarse chuckle.
“Well, that’s okay. She doesn’t have to play ball as I once had planned for her,” I chuckled. “Doctors have no height requirements, right?” As I sifted through the dirty dishes, the sound of heels against the wood floor turned me in the direction of the kitchen entrance. “Hey, you.”
Devin strolled towards me, replacing the cordless phone in its base beside me and took on the task of drying the dishes that I slowly washed. “So... I think I’m gonna be leaving for a while.”
I looked over to my mom and then at Devin and shrugged a little. “Leaving?”
“Leaving you. Leaving Los Angeles. I’m gonna join Usher on his promotional tour, and maybe even some stuff in Europe if all goes well.”
“Usher?”
“That guy that sings 'Yeah!’ The song you love so much?” she reminded me. “Your self-professed homeboy?”
“I know who he is, Devin. I’d just like to know why you’d wanna work with him.”
“Because he’s an absolutely amazing dancer and he requested me personally.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he wants to personally fuck you,” I mumbled.
“Umm, I think I’ll leave y’all alone,” my mom quickly inserted before scurrying out of the kitchen.
“Whoa,” she commented unaffectedly. “That’s... wow.”
“I don’t mean to sound insensitive to you, but you know I know how celebrities are.”
“It’s funny how you manage to find the faults in everyone but yourself,” she snapped.
“Devin, I’m just trying to protect you.”
“Protect me from what? Enjoying my job? Being happy?”
“I’m trying to protect you from the assholes in the world. He doesn’t want you for your talent, Devin.”
“Actually, I do,” interrupted a voice from the speakerphone.
Both Devin and my stares shot to the telephone base where I’d failed to recognize that the speakerphone light had been steadily blinking for the past few minutes. “Who is that?” I mouthed to Devin, though I was pretty sure I had my answer.
“Usher?” she asked to the phone voice.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Devin Delfino?”
“Oh, my God. I’m so sorry about that “ your manager told me I’d be on hold for like, at least twenty minutes before you could get to me.” I continued to stare at her like she was out of her fucking mind while she spoke to who might possibly be her new boss. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, picking up the cordless and high-stepping out of the room.
I gave my heart to you
Gave up my friends like you said I should do
Put aside my smile for you
Threw away my dreams if you said you didn’t approve
“I don’t want you to go,” I proudly announced as I entered my bedroom where I knew Devin had just finished her conversation.
“Fuck you,” she mumbled.
“I’m serious, Devin. He may seem like he has good intentions now, but he’ll eventually take advantage of you.”
“What? Like you do?”
“I resent that.”
“Resent it all you want, Justin. It’s still the ugly truth.”
“What have I done to take advantage of you?”
I gave my mind, compromised my life just to see I’d find
That you were trying to hold me back
Slowly you’re throwing me off of my track
“You take advantage of the fact that I don’t wanna leave your ass when I know I should.”
“If you know that you should, then why don’t you go?”
“Because I can’t!” she shouted suddenly. “Because I love you too damn much to just walk out on you “ not like this, not when you haven’t given me a valid reason to.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
“Then why does it matter?”
“Because all you do is complain about how wrong things are, but you’re still here,” I explained to her. “What’s the point?”
“I don’t know,” she sniffled. “Maybe I keep hoping that if I say it enough, you’ll clean up your act.”
Disappointed again
“Newsflash: it isn’t working.”
“I’m sure you were too young to remember what it felt like when your parents got divorced, but I was fifteen when my parents separated. For fifteen years, I knew them as nothing less than a perfect couple and I couldn’t understand why a couple that has love can’t make things work. I still don’t understand it,” she added sadly. “But learning the truth about them made me promise myself that I wouldn’t give up on love without fighting for it. I can’t quit just ‘cause shit gets rough.”
“I“.”
“So maybe that’s why I stick around,” she cut me off. “Maybe that’s why all I can do is complain. I should give up, but I’m just not quite ready to.”
My esteem has gone down
“Okay,” I responded dumbly.
“Okay?”
“Okay,” I repeated. I didn’t know what else to say to that.
“That’s all you have to say to me?”
“What else is there?”
You make me feel dumb and alone
I don’t know where to go
“Nothing, Justin.” She rolled over in bed until her feet hit the floor and she was, yet again, making her grand exit.
“So...” I trailed off, trying to figure out a way to segue into my original request. “Are you“.”
“Don’t worry, Justin. I’ll tell Usher I won’t be working with him this time around.”
Paralyzed my growth for you
‘Cause with you I see misery loves company
I would’ve said something along the lines of a ‘thank you’ had she not slammed my door in my face, but she did... so I didn’t. I was pretty sure she’d get over it soon enough, though.
I don’t know if this is love
‘Cause if it’s love, I don’t want it anymore
Hours later, at the point where the midnight hour had approached, I became immensely bored with sitting around the house. Summer had taken Jailyn back to her hotel for the night, my parents were out doing whatever, and Devin wasn’t exactly up for any interaction with me, but her being my girlfriend and all, I decided to go and bug her anyway.
After throwing on some decent enough clothes, I trampled downstairs to find Michaela sitting quietly alone in the living room. I was still kind of mad at her, and yes I know it was weird to still have her in my house in spite of that, but instead of kicking her out, I pretty much ignored her.
“Devin said she was going home,” Mikey proclaimed when I walked past her looking for my phone.
“Thank you,” I replied shortly.
Finding my cell and my keys in the same place, I hightailed it out of the back door and sped my way down Laurel Canyon towards Devin’s apartment. I’d barely made it inside before I heard the sound of her voice, loudly talking at me.
“Get out, Justin. I don’t have time for you right now.”
I turned towards the hall, where her words resonated from, a little dumbfounded by her discourtesy. “What?”
“What part of ‘get out’ is incomprehensible?” she demanded, entering her living room with a maroon pair of gauchos clung desperately to her hips. “Please leave.”
“Where the hell are you going this time of night?”
“That’s none of your goddamn business, Justin. Get out of my fucking apartment.”
“No, tell me where you’re going.”
“Out,” she vaguely answered, grabbing my wrist in the process. “Leave, Justin.”
“Why are you kicking me out?”
“Because I can. Because this is my house and this is the one thing in my life that you don’t have control over. Now get out!” she yelled.
“No!”
As she tried to push me towards the door, she punched me in my chest, causing me to involuntarily react by flinging her grasp off of me. In turn, she went crashing into her couch. Just when I figured that total chaos was about to ensue, a knock at the door halted our entire exchange.
“Get out,” she mumbled one more time as she strutted past me towards the door. In a complete one-eighty, she opened the door with a bright smile directed at her visitor. “Hi!”
I rolled my eyes and waited for her guest to be revealed so that I could kick them out. “Devin,” I whispered.
She discreetly shoved me out of the way and continued interaction with whoever was at the door. “Let me just grab my purse and I’ll be right out.”
“Where are you going?” I continued to question her.
She left the door ajar, grabbing her purse from the kitchen counter and glared quickly at me before heading out of her front door. For fear of getting my ass kicked, I waited until I figured she and whoever-it-was were at the elevators before I peeked out of the apartment to see her exiting the hallway with none other than Usher Raymond.
Oh, hell no. “Devin!” I shouted down the corridor, not caring who heard or saw me. “Devin!” No answer. I didn’t even get a glance from either one of them.
Well hey, two can play this game.
Once I hit the driver’s seat of my car, I wracked my brain for a couple of minutes trying to figure out where I wanted to take my miserableness now. I could’ve gone to Chi and gotten free drinks but I decided that I wasn’t in the mood for a ‘U Don’t Have To Call’ type of night. The comfort of my own home was more solace than any drink could offer me.
I entered my house to find Michaela still perched on my couch, staring at a blank television, much like I’d been doing the night before. “Hey.”
She removed herself from her trance and turned to my stance in the doorway. “Hey.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” I finished, turning and preparing to head upstairs.
“Justin?” she asked softly.
“Yeah?”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
“For what?”
“For what I said to Devin last night.”
I was so consumed in Devin’s bullshit that I totally forgot I was mad at Michaela, too. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”
“Are you sure? ‘Cause I really didn’t mean to hurt her “ I just got caught up in the moment.”
“I assure you she’s not hurt about it,” I smirked.
“Oh...”
“Where’s Nick?”
She shrugged curtly and nestled into the soft cushions of my beige sofa. “Enjoying Los Angeles, I guess.”
I walked further into the room and rested on the arm of the couch. “Okay, what happened?”
“Nothing,” she tried to diminish her pain or whatever it was she was feeling by laughing it off. “Nothing happened.”
“You really wanna tell me that lie?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, man. Nothing happened.”
“I’ll tell you what happened to me if you tell me what happened to you,” I suggested. “Mine’s pretty juicy.”
“I don’t wanna say,” she groaned, scratching through her hair.
“Come on.” I finally let my body fall into the sofa so that I sat comfortably beside her with my legs slung over the armrest. “You go first.”
“I can’t,” she smiled.
“I’m gonna go get a beer,” I began, “and when I come back, your ass better be ready to talk.”
“No promises,” she chuckled. “But get me drunk enough and I’m likely to tell you anything.”
“That’s what I’m hoping,” I joked. I’m kidding, of course. Mostly.
It’s keeping me awake every night
But I can never seem to give up on you
After a couple of bottles of beer, she certainly did tell me anything I wanted to hear. And even things I wasn’t quite ready to hear. We laughed, she cried, mostly out of borderline drunkenness, but it was going rather well considering everything that was running through my head at the moment.
“Aren’t we a sight for sore eyes,” she laughed, finishing her beer off. “Your girl ditched you for a Ninja Turtle lookin’ motherfucker...”
“And your man left you for the Barbie dolls at the Playboy mansion,” I finished for her. “Damn.”
“Dude, isn’t Devin like a foot taller than Usher?”
“More like two,” I laughed.
“You must’ve been really bad then,” she cackled.
“Well at least I didn’t tell my girlfriend that I was in love with me,” I countered. “That was dumb, Michaela.”
“Well he asked for the truth. What was I supposed to say?” she defended loudly.
“Oh, I don’t know. You easily could’ve said, ‘No, Nick, I’m not in love with Justin.’”
“But I am!”
“Lie, Mikey. Lie.”
“I don’t do that shit. Lies get you into trouble.” She threw the blanket that covered her shoulders down to the floor seeming to suddenly realize, “It’s hot in this fucking house.”
“Well this is California; not Memphis, darlin’. February feels a lot like May.”
“Mmm, I miss May. Remember May?”
“Who is May?”
“The month, you dummy. Remember last May when we were together?”
“Oh yeah, when you came to see me in London and left ‘cause Cameron was there?”
“Oh yeah,” she giggled. “Damn, you had me doin’ some stupid ass shit.”
“Me? I didn’t do anything but like your ass.”
“Oh, please,” she scoffed. You didn’t like me, man. You liked my company.”
“Umm... what’s the difference?”
“I... I don’t know.” She laughed slowly as she removed her socks and rested her petite feet on my knee.
“I’m sleepy,” I commented, dazed. “You ready to go to bed?”
“What time is it?”
“I dunno; close to three, I guess.”
“I’m not ready to go to bed yet.”
“Well, I am.”
“Wait,” she stopped me suddenly. “Wait.”
“What?”
“If I asked you to do me a favor, would you do it?”
I say another prayer then I’m on to another one thousand
But I can never seem to give up on you
“Probably,” I laughed, realizing just how serious I was. “What is it?”
She lowered her head and covered her face with her left hand. I would’ve bet that she was crying again until she lifted her head and smiled at me. Her slender fingers gripped my t-shirt, pulling me towards her and she kissed the bridge of my nose.
Maybe it was my mental disregard for Devin at the moment, or just the fact that Michaela was just... there, but I made the colossal mistake of letting my lips somehow connect with hers and neither one of us were willing to let go.
My hands immediately began to run rampant across her entire torso, indulging in the softness of her mocha flesh while her fingers trailed up my back, sending a intense chill up my spine “ a chill that I thought only belonged to Devin. Devin. My girlfriend. Did I really wanna end it this way?
“Justin,” she moaned, beginning to run her lips along my neck. “I love you.”
I don’t know why I paused. She’s said it so many times before. And I’ve said it back. But the way it came out, the way all of this was transpiring, I just found it incredibly wrong. My hands crept out of her pajama pants and I used them to push myself off of her. “Sorry,” I sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m really sorry.”
“Why?”
“I can’t “ I don’t wanna do this.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve hurt enough. I’ve hurt her enough,” I sighed. “Hell, I’ve hurt you enough.”
“What?”
“Neither one of us is gonna feel any better in the morning,” I explained. “And Lord knows I can’t afford to feel worse.”
“Justin, think about where she is; what she’s doing to you.”
“I don’t know what she’s doing, Mikey. But that doesn’t make this right.”
“You owe this to me,” she frowned. “I never had the chance to have you for myself.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. It was then that I decided that this was exactly the way I wanted it to end.
I know you’ll be better off without me when I’m gone
“How many times do I have to give you up for her?”
“Michaela, I can’t explain it, I can’t apologize for it “ I just... I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”
You know you’re beautiful
“Why would you say that?”
“Because I have a way of infecting everything I touch with my own special brand of misery, and I think you deserve better than that; better than me.” I got up from the couch and sat on the one across from her, refusing to look at her.
Shine on, you were made to
“Why are you saying this?”
“Because I can’t keep doing this to you.”
“What if I want you to?”
“You don’t.”
“Don’t make me say goodbye again,” she pleaded. “I can’t.”
“I don’t love you the way you want and you love me just a little too much.”
“Why can’t you love me the way you used to?”
“Because you’re not who I met a year ago,” I explained quietly. “I don’t know, maybe I’ve changed too much. But I just feel like... like I don’t know you anymore.”
“You’d probably never understand this, ‘cause truth be told, even I don’t get it,” she began to explicate, “but... letting go of you is something I just don’t know how to do, Justin. And trying was way too hard,” she sighed, wiping her tears from her glistening black orbs. “I hate that I don’t know why, ‘cause I mean it’s not like you were particularly nice or even loving, but you have a light that draws people to you. And when you took that away, I admit that I became a little cynical, a bit sadistic “ no one’s hurt me more than you, Justin.”
“I know,” I nodded slowly.
“And after you ditched me, I told myself that no one ever would. So I built a few walls, thickened my skin and tried to make myself impenetrable to everyone.”
“You can’t“.”
“Everyone but you,” she finished.
“Why not me?”
“Because no matter how much the outside has changed, the inside remains the same. The inside still only wants you.”
“Michaela... You can’t... you can’t push everyone out of your life for me. I’m not worth it.”
Shine on, and you know I love you
“I know you’re not,” she chuckled. “That’s the most fucked up part about it.”
I didn’t know what else to say, so I let silence overtake the room for a while before I came up with my next few brilliant words. “I’ll um “ I guess you can pack up you and Nick’s stuff and I’ll take you to the W? Or, wherever y’all wanna stay.”
“You’re kicking me out again?”
“I’m not kicking you out, Michaela. Don’t do that.”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing,” she shot back.
And even if we can or can’t be friends
I’ll be with you until the very end, so shine on
“I want you to move on, girl. You’re so much better than this!”
You were made to
“Stop saying that!” she yelled. “If I want you then I can’t be better than you!”
Nobody’s wrong, nobody’s right
Keep moving on
“Trust me, please.” I looked up to the ceiling running my frustrated hands over my face. “You have to move on.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me again,” she cried. “I knew I should’ve stayed away from you.”
“I knew it, too. But I knew I could reel you back in if I tried hard enough, and I’m sorry for that,” I admitted. “I’m sorry for undermining your goals for my own selfish reasons. I shouldn’t have pulled you back into this.”
“If you want me gone, I’ll go,” she whispered. “But I’m not turning back this time.”
And even if we can or can’t be friends
You’re gonna be brighter than you’ve ever been, so shine on
“Good,” I nodded. “I won’t let you.”
You’re gonna be just fine, ooh you’re gonna be all right love
My next day began with a slap in the face “ literally. I awoke to the feeling of Devin’s hands repeatedly hitting my cheekbones in a successful attempt to end whatever pleasant dream I may have been having. “What the fuck are you doing?” I groggily demanded, frowning at the light of day. The clock told me that it was way too early to be up on a Sunday morning.
“I’m leaving,” she announced.
I could recognize an outline of her tall frame, and she seemed to be holding a box which startled me out of sleepiness “ even 8:00AM sleepiness. “Leaving?”
“I’m going to New York for a while. After your dramatic entrance last night, I’ve decided to take Usher up on his offer.”
“Wait, wait, wait. What?”
“I’m going to New York,” she repeated loudly. “I just came by to get some shit I left over here and to let you know that I won’t be around for the next month or so.”
“Devin, wait.”
“I’m not gone yet.”
“Come here.” I held out my hand, requesting that she join me in bed for a few minutes. She surprisingly accepted my invitation, laying below me as I held her hand. “Why are you leaving me?”
“Justin,” she exhaled. “Don’t do this to me.”
You see, I have already tried to explain myself
It’s not that I love someone else
“Okay, I know you wanna follow your dreams and everything, but does it have to be him?”
But I can’t bear to listen to you cry
“Yeah, it does.”
“Why?”
“‘Cause he asked and I answered,” she maintained. “Last night, I was all set to decline his offer and then you came over actin’ stupid and I realized that I need to just go and do me for a while.”
“What am I gonna do without you?”
“The same thing you do with me,” she shrugged. “Nothing.”
Sick of all these wasted years
A rag for someone else’s tears
I’ll wring you out as I hang you out to dry
“I have something to tell you,” I remembered. I didn’t want to, but I knew I should. I knew I had to.
“Justin, I’m not gonna stay, no matter what you say.”
“No,” I chuckled. “This is something for real.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah. I um, I kissed Michaela last night...”
“Uh huh.”
I felt her hand go limp in mine once again and I felt compelled to stop talking, but I decided to keep going since I’d already told her the bad part. “And um... I told her that we couldn’t be friends... or whatever we were, anymore.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I knew it was hurting you. It wasn’t good for anyone,” I reasoned, licking my lips. “And I want you and me to work, Dev.”
“You’re funny,” she chuckled sarcastically. “You are funny.”
“What’s so funny?”
“Just... I dunno,” she sighed. “I should get going.”
And I’ll see you when I get back
Maybe we can get ourselves back on the right track
“Don’t leave me yet,” I countered, running my hand along her stomach. “Please.”
You touch me there because you know how much I like that
“No, I should really go. I can’t take this.”
“Are you mad at me for kissing her?”
She shook her head as she removed herself from the grasp I had on her. She stood in front of me and wiped her face of nonexistent tears. “No, I’m not mad.”
“Why not?”
“Because you told me. You were finally honest without me having to drag it out of you.”
“So what’s wrong?”
I think that we both need to relax
‘Cause I know you want me
“I don’t know. I just don’t know,” she shrugged, still shaking her head. “I don’t think I’ll know what’s wrong until I can figure out what’s right.”
“I see.” I sighed and turned over in bed so that I was lying on my stomach. “Are you breaking up with me here?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“So...” she trailed off, staring towards the balcony.
“So, you’re just gonna leave? After what I just told you?”
The worst thing is that I don’t even really care
“I’ll see you in April,” she nodded. She picked up my hand to grace it with her lips quickly before picking up her box from the floor and quickly heading for as far away from me as she could get. “Bye, Justin.”
“Bye, Devin.”
The emptiness is too much to bear
Lyrics:
“Boyfriend” - Ashlee Simpson (I Am Me)
“Wasted Years” - Maroon 5 (Friday the 13th Live)
“Through With Love” - Destiny’s Child (Destiny Fulfilled)
“Shine On” - Ryan Cabrera (You Stand Watching)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
