24. Wanted Some Fresh Air
Oh, when it all falls down
I’m telling you it all falls down
As the beginning of February came to a bitter close, the drama over the Super Bowl/Grammy madness seemed to slowly (and maybe even barely) subside “ granted, I’d thrown myself into seclusion for the better part of the week, but I was making it in my own way. My little circle of (true) friends was indeed little, to the point where only a handful of people could actually stomach me, and vice versa, but all in all, I wasn’t alone, which had been my biggest fear coming away from the drama of the month.
It seems we livin’ the American dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self-esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
They say that in times of turmoil, you find out who your real friends are. Ironically, or symbolically or you know, whatever, the ones that truly stuck by my side were the ones that resonated some feeling of home within me. Trace, Devin, even Mikey “ they brought that familiarity that I needed when my life, my entire demeanor became something unrecognizable to me. Like I said, home is what catches you when you fall. And yes, we all fall. Nothing was by any means perfect or even good, but it was thankfully bearable, at the least.
We all self-conscious, I’m just the first to admit it
“So, Justin,” Mikey announced at the dinner table, us sitting across from one another with our significant others perched lovingly beside us, “I hear someone special has a birthday coming up in two weeks.” Her arched eyebrows lifted in playful suspense. “Got anything planned?”
“I dunno,” I chuckled, leaning back to snake my arm around Devin’s shoulder. “I dunno, what do you do for a first birthday party?”
“Well, we all know the first birthday is more about the parents than the child,” she offered. “Do whatever you want and just make sure she happens there.”
The four of us chuckled at Mikey’s comment as we watched the waitresses clear the table of our mostly-empty steak plates and any extraneous dinner items we hadn’t eaten. “That sounds promising,” I finally finished trying to discreetly remove steak from my teeth with my tongue.
“Get a toothpick,” Devin interjected, lightly nudging my shoulder. “That’s sick.”
“Shut up,” I ignored her.
“So is this your only kid?” Mikey’s boyfriend, Nick, inserted into the somewhat lively conversation.
I hesitated to answer him just because I’m always wary of talking about Jailyn in public, or actually, at all. But I figured the safest place to do that was in the quiet private moment of our table. Hell, the point of coming up to Big Bear that weekend was to free myself from the captivity of Los Angeles, so I finally responded, “Yeah. My baby Jai.” I even got extremely paternal and pulled out a picture from my wallet, showing it to he and Michaela. “That’s her with her mom.”
“Damn, she looks just like you,” he commented, smiling at her smile. “And you, too,” he directed to Devin. “Y’all sure you’re not her mama?”
She giggled meekly, fiddling with her curly ponytail. “I wish. But no, I can’t take credit for that.”
“They say you start to look like people you spend a lot of time with,” Mikey added with a grin, demurely attempting to solve the mystery. “She’s gonna be such a heartbreaker one day.”
“Just like her dad,” Devin agreed.
“She really is gorgeous,” Nick nodded, closing my wallet and handing it back to me. “You must be proud.”
I watched him try to take Michaela’s hand while she tried to pretend she didn’t notice, thereby making me feel sorry for the guy. “Thank you,” I earnestly replied.
Somewhere amid our Valentine’s dinner, and I guess the entire little weekend, I’d decided that I liked Nick. He was a nice guy, Southern manners and the nine, and he seemed good for Mikey “ way better than me, I must say. Unfortunately though, I think that in her head, she finds that he’s just a convenience. But if she ever attempted to really let me out of her heart the way she probably thinks she already has, they’d be good together. That’s my analysis, anyway.
“Is she walking yet?”
“Oh God, she’s everywhere,” I smiled.
“Justin got her these walkers for Christmas that are like tiny versions of a Mercedes and an Escalade and the girl is seriously all over the place,” Devin enthusiastically recalled. “Remember her running over Cameron’s feet, like repeatedly? What was that “ Wednesday?” she laughed.
“Yeah, and then she drove in circles around the table honking the horn with the slyest little smile on her face.”
“She so smart,” Dev beamed to the couple across from us. “I have to wonder if she’s really his sometimes.”
“Shut up,” I smiled, playfully kicking her foot. “I’m more intelligent than I look.”
“Yes, but not more than you act, baby.” She gave me a cheesy grin and began to kiss my cheek before Michaela interrupted.
“Hey, speaking of birthdays, isn’t yours today, Devin?”
Devin’s aqua eyes shot towards Mikey and gave off an air of somewhat fake contentment. But hey, it could’ve been legit; I don’t really know. “Wow, I can’t believe you remembered that.”
“Well, I remembered you said it was two weeks after Justin’s.”
“I’ve never met anyone whose birthday was on Valentine’s Day,” Nick professed as if it were some shocking intimation. “That’s pretty cool.”
“I guess,” Devin shrugged.
“So Justin, what’d you get her?” Mikey prodded.
I watched Devin instinctively reach for the necklace I’d given her for Christmas, her fingers protectively covering the diamonds and then I chuckled at Mikey. “She hasn’t gotten her gift yet, actually.”
“And is that because you didn’t remember or just because you haven’t given it to her yet?” she furthered.
“You’re instigating,” I smiled, internally wondering if she was trying to be unnecessarily difficult or just terribly flirtatious. “I’m waiting for the right opportunity to give it to her.”
“Uh huh.”
Devin’s exotic stare targeted my face, landing directly on my eyes. “Why don’t you tell me what it is now, J?”
“What?”
“I’m sure you don’t have it, but what is it?”
“You really want it now?”
She nodded and glanced over to where Nick and Michaela were intently engaged in our exchange. “If you have something to give me, of course.”
I looked around the inquisitive table and attempted a somewhat nervous laugh to alleviate some of the tension. “You think I forgot your birthday?”
“I don’t know, Justin. Prove to me you didn’t.”
“Baby, I don’t really think now’s the time...” I trailed off, trying to keep my volume at a minimum.
“I think now is the perfect time.” She checked my watch “ the one she gave me “ and announced, “It’s almost 10:30. It’s absolutely the perfect time.”
“Can’t we just finish dinner?”
“I’m finished,” she shot back. “You’re finished. Are y’all finished? I’m pretty sure we’re all finished. So,” she cleared her throat, “what’s the hold up?”
“I just think it’s something best done in private.”
“Well I think it’s something best done right fucking now.”
As she folded her arms over her chest, I watched her become the loud, antagonistic Devin that I love but totally hate, complete with the mean-girl snarl, so I took her by the wrist and stood her up with me. “Fine, let’s go.”
“Go where?” she demanded.
“To get your gift.”
“Justin, stop playin’. I already know you forgot,” she sighed, as I dragged her out of the restaurant, where I’m sure Mikey and Nick were just plain stupefied. I’d be sure to call them later and apologize for leaving hastily, but for now, I had this on my platter. “Yo, can you let go of me?” Devin interrupted my thoughts.
“No,” I retorted simply.
“But you’re hurting my arm.” She was lying, I’m sure. “Justin!”
“What!” I stopped the two of us in our trek through the cool mountain air towards our cabin to glare at her, finally releasing my grasp on her forearm. “What is it?”
“Nothing,” she frowned. “I just wanted you to let go of me.”
“Then why don’t you try and fucking keep up with me,” I rebutted, beginning to walk again.
She shoved me harshly, pushing me out of her path. “I can keep up just fine.”
“Then act like it,” I chided, shoving her back.
As our Big Bear cabin came into view ahead of us, instead of pushing me, she punched my shoulder and smirked at me. “Kiss my ass, bitch.”
“Gladly.” I yanked her ponytail and slapped her ass as we inched further towards our front door. “But first, suck my dick, trick.”
“Never again,” she replied, kicking me. “Why is it so fucking cold out here?”
“Because we’re in the mountains and you have on no coat?” my sarcasm responded.
“You’re the one that dragged me out of the restaurant without my coat,” she bit back. “Asshole.”
“Well if you hadn’t been acting like a whiny bitch, we’d still be there.”
“Just shut up and open the goddamn door, motherfucker.”
“Why don’t you shut up and stay over there,” I instructed. “Bitch.”
“Ho,” she snapped.
“Wench.”
“Fuck-face.”
“Yeah, that’s mature.” We were incredibly immature sometimes, I know. Moody, turbulent, abrasive “ all the bullshit traits that couples who shouldn’t be together entail. But that’s what made us fun. Or so I thought. “Butt-munch.”
As I opened the door, she shoved me into the warm, wood-decorated house, slamming the door behind her. “Pussy-who-forgot-my-birthday.”
The rhythm of her conversation
“I didn’t forget it,” I defended quickly.
“Then prove it.”
“You’re really ruining the moment with your bullshit“.”
“Fuck a moment,” she interrupted loudly. “If you have something for me, give it to me.”
“Fine,” I curtly relented. I picked her up by her thighs, physically instructing her to wrap her legs around my waist and carried her to the wood dining table in the middle of the room, laying her flat against it so that I could straddle her waist.
The perfection of her creation
As she coquettishly played with unbuckling my belt and unbuttoning my jeans while also grabbing at my dick, I began to dig through my pocket for the ring box I’d been lugging around all day for fear of someone else getting their hands on it. Once I brought it into view, I received a bright smile from Devin in return. “I wouldn’t forget your birthday, dumbass.”
“You don’t propose to someone while you’re sitting on top of them,” she announced, letting her arms now rest on my thighs. “And this time, my answer is No.”
“Would you shut up for a minute?”
“I’m serious. I don’t wanna marry you, dude.”
“I’m not fucking proposing to you,” I quipped. “Thank you for informing me, though.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry,” she chuckled. “Go ahead.”
“See, I don’t wanna say it anymore,” I sulked.
“Oh, come on. I’m sorry.” She sighed and brought my free hand to her lips to kiss it. “I’ll be good.”
“The moment has passed.” I opened the small silver box to show her the pink diamond that matched the ballet slippers that hung from her neck and then dropped the box to the table before climbing off of her.
The sex she slipped into my coffee
I dramatically stalked towards the front door, but her voice reading the ring’s inscription stopped me in my tracks. “You’re my best friend,” she read from the inscription, pulling the ring from the box to place it on her right hand’s ring finger. “Awww.”
The way she felt when she first saw me
“Happy birthday,” I quietly stated, turning back towards the door.
“Where the hell are you going?”
“Out.”
“Out where?” she questioned, sitting up straight. “Justin, you better not walk through that door.”
“Why the hell not?” I continued to turn the doorknob and had even slightly opened the door when the ring box went thumping into my neck and my eyes shot back at her to stare coldly.
“Damn, I got some good aim,” she beamed.
“I’m gonna kick your ass,” I told her, matter-of-factually.
Hate to love and love to hate her
She turned on the table so that her feet dangled from it and spread her legs shoulder-width apart. “Please do.”
My glance drifted to the burning fire that had created some kind of infernal sex vibe for the room, added to the tension we had already built between one another and I could already picture the wild romp around the house that this was about to turn into. I licked my lips and advanced toward her, ready and willing to return the birthday favor she gave to me two weeks prior.
Like a broken record player
“Just so you know,” she paused our liplock to say, “you’re my best friend, too.”
A quick “Thank you” rolled off of my lips before my tongue infiltrated her mouth again and I was pulling off her black cashmere sweater.
She dug through my back pocket to pick through my wallet, where two to three condoms were usually kept. “Wait,” she pulled away. “Wait.”
“What?” I breathed, staring at her hands.
“Go get a condom,” she instructed.
“There’s not one in there?”
“Obviously not, Justin.”
I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes at her. “Well I don’t have anymore, Devin.”
“How can you not have any? I just bought some before we came out here.”
“Because you insist on using one every fucking time we have sex.”
“Okay, get off of me,” she exhaled. She moved back on the table and stared blankly.
“Now what’s wrong with you?”
“The same thing that’s always wrong with me, Justin. You!”
“You’ve been insanely ridiculous all week,” I conceded. “I thought you said you were over everything.”
After a few minutes of more idle staring from her, she rolled her eyes, licked her lips and began to nod. “You’re right,” she stated as she unclasped her bra. “You’re right. Let’s do this.”
Back and forth and here and gone and on and on and on and on
Somewhere around midnight, when I thought Devin was something close to fast asleep, I snuck outside to the frigid night and took a seat on our cabin’s front steps. Sighing and shivering from the cold, I inhaled the clean air that I’d never find in Los Angeles and stared at the stars for a while.
“What are you doing?” The sound of Mikey’s country twang erupted into my solitude just before she came waddling towards me from her neighboring cabin, swathed in Nick’s bubble coat over her pajamas.
“Just sitting here,” I grinned, moving over so she could sit beside me. “What are you doing out so late?”
“Wanted some fresh air,” she shrugged, sitting down. “Sorry about starting that little fight earlier,” she chuckled. “I didn’t think she’d take it seriously.”
“Sure you didn’t,” I laughed.
“I didn’t!”
“It’s cool, though. We’re fine.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We made up pretty quickly,” I winked, offering an obvious smile.
“Yes, I can tell,” she laughed awkwardly, “I didn’t need that much detail, thank you.”
“You can tell what?”
With a British-esque accent, she joked, “You smell like sex and candy, love.”
“Sorry,” I quickly cackled. “I didn’t count on having a visitor out here.”
“Well, I’m glad she forgave you.”
“Forgave me for what?”
“For forgetting her birthday,” she stated obviously. “Shit happens, right?”
I frowned at her assumption but let her think what she wanted. I guess it’s to be expected that everyone I know thinks the worst of me. It’s not like I’ve done much to expel that notion. “Yeah...”
“I know I might not show it, but I really think she’s the best choice for you.”
“I agree,” I nodded. “I mean, we have our retarded moments, but at the end of the day...”
“You love her.”
“Yeah.” I looked at her and endearingly pushed her knee with my own. “That’s enough, right?”
“Sometimes,” she reasoned. “But I think it’s really dependent upon how you love her, you know? Like, it’s easy to say the words and go through the motions of a relationship, but showing your love is a completely different ball game. And no matter what you say, if she doesn’t feel it, she’s gonna get sick of it and sick of you.”
“Okay, so how do you show someone that you love them?”
“Well it would help if you didn’t forget her birthday.”
I inconspicuously rolled my eyes at her words but continued to revel in the conversation anyway. “Well, I’m pretty sure that Devin knows how I feel about her.”
“Yeah, I think so, too. Just... try not to take her for granted.”
“You mean the way you take Nick for granted?” I asked smartly.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“What makes you think that I do?”
“I can see it in the way you interact with him. You’re not willing to give him substance ‘cause you see him as just a warm body and not a soul.”
“Oh, really?” She smiled sarcastically and stared at my lips as she spoke. “And how did you arrive at this conclusion, Mr. Timberlake?”
“Because it’s painfully obvious that you’re still attached to me, Miss Woods.” I had to laugh at how cocky that sounded, but I meant it in the sincerest way possible.
“Justin,” she sighed. “We were doing so well.”
“I don’t mean to be an asshole about it, but like... why do you think we’re sitting here on these steps right now? When like two months ago, you acted as though you could barely look at me. That day at Kroger, you told me we couldn’t be friends and then showed up at my doorstep two hours later; and I think we both know it wasn’t to drop off Christmas gifts, dude.”
“Yes, it was, actually.”
“Michaela.”
“Justin.”
“I wouldn’t wanna admit being attached to my ass either,” I chuckled, “but the way I see it, Nick is just gonna remain a warm body until you find it in your heart to let go of me.”
“That’s“,” she started to say.
“And you can argue ‘til the cows come home, but it’s true, girl.”
“You’re out of your mind,” she scoffed.
“I’m not even saying you wanna be with me or even have strong feelings for me, but somewhere in your heart is a space saved just for me. It’s the piece that should be your boyfriend’s, but for some reason, I still have it.”
She breathed audibly, a puff of cold air forming from her lips and she shook her head as she pulled the hood of Nick’s coat over her curls. “I’ve missed talkin’ to you.”
“Same here,” I admitted.
“You’re right, though. I can’t not forgive you; I can’t leave you alone; I can’t just walk away the way I should. Even if it’s just us being this, just friends, I’ll accept that if it’s all you have to give.”
“And why is that?”
“Because...,” she trailed off for a while, staring out into nothing. “I love you. I can’t fight it, can’t hide it, can’t even deny it,” she sniffled. “Makes me wish I’d moved to Millington a little earlier. Or I wish you’d broken your foot a little sooner,” she chuckled under her tears. “I think we would’ve been cool together.”
And sometimes it’s a sad song
“I think so, too,” I said softly. “You really brought out the best in me sometimes.”
“And you really brought out the worst in me,” she laughed.
But I cannot forget, refuse to regret
So glad I met you and
Take my breath away, make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I’ve gone through
“I’m glad y’all decided to come,” I told her earnestly, staring down at my Uggs. “I was really surprised that you accepted the invitation.”
“You gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” she laughed. “Besides, as much as I didn’t wanna admit it, I really missed you.”
“It’s been a bizarre couple of months, I guess.”
And mama, I’ve been cryin’ ‘cause things ain’t how they used to be
“What does that mean?” she giggled.
“Just the way things kind of manifest into pure calamity and drama. I dunno,” I realized. “But I’ve missed you, too. In the back of my mind, I always kind of wonder how things would’ve turned out if I’d made different choices, said different things. Whatever.”
“You mean if you’d picked me instead of Devin?”
“I guess, yeah.” I bit my bottom lip, still gazing at my shoes. “Not to say that I don’t like absolutely love Devin, but I’m just not... there, you know? I’m not happy.”
“Yeah.”
“It worked out really well for about the first two months I guess. And then, I dunno...”
“Maybe it happened too fast.”
“I don’t even think it’s about her. It’s just... me.”
“So... where does the questioning arise?”
“I’m not sure,” I shrugged, even though, in my head, I knew exactly what I meant. “Basically, like you know how the smallest little action can have the hugest affect?”
“Umm, no? Not really.”
“Well, okay,” I laughed, mostly at her endearing ignorance. “I mean maybe if I’d been with you, I wouldn’t have been at the Super Bowl. Maybe I would’ve missed Janet’s calls that weekend ‘cause we were sleeping late or something. But instead, I was up bright and early that morning because Devin’s a morning person, so I got the call that put me in the Super Bowl. You know what I mean?”
“I think so...”
“Like, just something as insignificant as waking up an hour earlier can change your entire future.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s just my roundabout way of saying that karma is a bitch,” I finished, figuring she was totally confused by my whole explanation. “Whatever.”
“So you’re not happy with her?”
“I’m happy with her. I’m just not happy in general,” I corrected. “Like there are moments where I feel like I’m on cloud nine. And then reality will come bite me in the ass and I’ll realize, I’m really not as cool with myself as I think I am.”
“You wanna know what I think?”
“Always,” I smiled.
“I think you need a vacation, J. And not like three days in Big Bear, but I mean like two weeks in St. Tropez or somethin’,” she suggested. “All by yourself.”
“That would be awesome, but I start shooting a movie in a month and I’ve gotta follow this journalist dude around LA two weeks prior to that.”
“Hmm. Yeah, that sucks,” she nodded with a smile. “You work way too hard. It’s taken its toll on you, boy.”
“Yeah.”
“So why don’t you go now?”
“Because I’m... here?”
“I mean this week. Just pack your shit and disappear for a while.”
“Because I have to be in England next week. And then Jai’s birthday is the week after that,” I explained.
“Oh, right.” She retrieved a pebble from the ground and began to drag it across the pavement of the steps we sat on. “Well, after the movie you have to take a break.”
“After the movie,” I agreed. Silence enveloped the air for another three or four minutes until a bright idea popped through my consciousness. “Hey, how would you like to come to London next week?”
“I have school,” she declined, “but it would’ve been nice, I admit.”
“Fuck school. Y’all should come on out with me and Devin,” I encouraged.
“When I’m making you and Devin kinda money, then I can fuck school. ‘Til then, I gotta go, man.”
“You can miss a couple of days, can’t you?”
“I really can’t.”
“Yes, you know you can,” I pleaded, picking at the nonexistent lint on her pajama bottoms.
“Justin,” she whined, “you know I hate saying No to you.”
“So don’t say it.”
“I’ll ask Nick,” she sighed. “If he can go, then I’ll go.”
I gave her a toothy grin, not fully satisfied with that answer, but considerably gratified. “You’ll be there.”
“And all this time, I thought you were in the shower.” I turned my head in the direction of Devin’s voice, finding her standing in our cabin’s doorway with her coat draped over her wifebeater and boyshorts. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
“No, we were just talkin’,” Mikey smiled to her as she stood from her seat. “But I was just about to head back.”
“You don’t have to go,” Devin inserted. “I just wanted to know where he was.”
“No, I should go.”
“I made some coffee if you wanna come in,” Devin continued to offer. “Well, it’s Irish coffee, but I can make some tea or hot chocolate or whatever you might want.”
“No, it’s really fine,” she continued to refute Devin’s hospitality. “I’ll see y ‘all tomorrow at breakfast. J, it was great to talk to you again.”
“Same here,” I shot back quietly. “Have a good night. And Happy Valentine’s Day.”
“Y’all, too.”
“Night,” Devin finished as Mikey scurried next door. “I get the feeling she still doesn’t like me,” she chuckled.
“Or maybe your nipples scared her off,” I mumbled. “Don’t you own a bra?”
“Oh, sorry for being cold,” she snapped back. “I didn’t mean to break up your date.”
“Shut up.”
“Bite me.” She walked back inside, slamming the door behind her.
I stayed in my spot for a little while longer, gazing at nothing, realizing that it had been a lot warmer “ internally and externally “ when Mikey was sitting beside me. I used to think that Devin was the solution to all my problems, but what if all this time, she’s actually been the cause?
I regretfully traipsed back inside to see Devin sitting silently at the kitchen table, hopefully disinfected since we’d fucked on it, sipping from a wide, purple coffee mug. Her back faced the door and she didn’t turn when I walked in, but she did speak. “Michaela just called. She asked me to tell you that she couldn’t make it to London.”
“Okay.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I was gonna tell you that I invited them.”
“Just like you were gonna tell me you were leaving to sit outside for an hour? Or, just like you told me they were coming to Big Bear the weekend of my birthday? Or, just like you told me about you kissing Cameron at the Super Bowl?”
“I didn’t kiss Cameron. I told you that,” I defended stupidly.
“Yeah.” She sighed and rested her cup on the table. “Listen, I’m not exactly sure what I did to completely alienate you from me, but if you don’t want to be around me anymore or if you don’t wanna be alone with me, could you just do me the favor of explaining that? Just tell me why?”
“Why do you think that?” Again, stupid.
“Because since we got back from the tour, you’ve been steadily pushing me away.”
“I have not.”
“Oh wait, let me take that back. Since you ‘proposed’, you’ve been steadily pushing me away. And please don’t deny that.”
I guess I can’t, can I? “It’s been a rough couple of weeks.”
“Yeah, for me, too.” She finally turned and looked at me while I avoided her stare. “The hot and cold shit is killin’ me, man.”
“Don’t act like you don’t take part in it.”
“Of course I do. Because I don’t know how else to hold your fuckin’ attention, man.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Devin.”
“That’s very comforting. It’s great to know that even if you don’t want me, you’ll stick around.”
“Is that what I said?”
“You might as well, baby. ‘Cause that’s all you’re showing me.” She stood up, taking her coffee mug with her and headed for the bedroom. “Good night.”
And sometimes it’s a sad song
I probably should’ve followed her. Okay, I definitely should’ve followed her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to find myself in another fight with her in the middle of the night. I wanted complacence. Hell, I needed it. And it was something I had been basking in just a few minutes before. I grabbed my phone and found myself sitting on the cabin’s steps outside, once again.
I said Michaela’s name into my cell’s speaker and waited for it to call her number, pleased when she answered on the first ring. “You feel like talkin’?” I queried hopefully, glancing over to her dim cabin. I smiled when her door opened before she’d even consented, her head bobbing back out of the house and walking towards me.
“Always,” she smirked, closing her phone.
But I cannot forget, refuse to regret, so glad I met you and
Take my breath away, make everyday worth all of the pain that I’ve gone through
And mama, I’ve been cryin’ ‘cause things ain’t how they used to be
She said the battle’s almost won, and we’re only several miles from the sun
Lyrics:
“All Falls Down” - Kanye West (College Dropout)
“The Sun” - Maroon 5 (Songs About Jane)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
