23. You Gonna Stick Around?
February 8, 2004. It wasn’t exactly the greatest time in my life, to say the least, but the day wasn’t so bad, if I do say so myself. I woke up to an abnormally empty house, which was pretty refreshing in light of everything that’s happened this week.
There’s times when I want something more, someone more like me
There’s times when this dress rehearsal seems incomplete
I had been sitting at my kitchen table, inhaling plain black coffee to substitute for the turbulent lack-of-sleep I’d gotten, when the rattle of the back door shook me out of my obliviousness. I would’ve sworn it was a mirage advancing toward me when I saw Devin enter my house with Jailyn in her arms.
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
“Good morning,” Devin pleasantly greeted me as Jailyn did her best to imitate her. “Yes, good morning,” she repeated to Jai, animatedly engaged in her babbling before giving me an optimistic glance. “Hi.”
And behind your dark glasses, you’re something else
The two of them basically surprised me out of my chair, forcing me to hop up and meet them at the counter. “Hi,” I replied nervously. The last time we talked was exactly a week ago, so I didn’t know how to react to her sudden contentment. She couldn’t have forgotten everything, could she?
She handed my smiling daughter to me and let her blue eyes trace to the top of my head. “Big day, huh?”
“Yeah,” I sighed, gently pushing Jailyn’s curls from her face. It’s amazing how it somehow came to pass that Devin and Jailyn ended up looking so much alike with their bright blue eyes and crazy blonde hair. And oddly enough, even my mom has the same features. “So um, I thought my dad was gonna drop her off?”
“Well, he was. But I wanted to do it,” she smirked. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, not at all,” I quickly answered as Jailyn started to play with my face.
“You want Daddy to shave, too,” Devin said to Jai, “don’t you?” We both laughed as we got more baby babble in reply. “She’s so cute.”
“She really is,” I agreed, noticing that she smelled like oranges. “Has she eaten?”
“Yeah, we had some orange slices on the way over here,” she chuckled. “It got a little messy.”
We both stared at Jailyn’s happiness for a few minutes before I broke into the awkwardly pleasant moment. “So um... you gonna stick around?” I questioned hopefully.
“Umm,” her eyes scanned the large kitchen area and stopped on my expectant stare, “I dunno. You want me to?”
“I dunno,” I shrugged. “I mean... yeah. If you want.”
“Do we get to talk about last week? Or do I have to suck it up and act like it never happened?”
You know some real bad tricks and you need some discipline
But lately you’ve been tryin’ real hard and givin’ me your best
“Devin, I’ve had the worst week of my life,” I began to complain, turning to walk back to the table. “Please don’t make me relive it.”
“Well then, maybe I should just go,” she suggested, holding up her car key. “Is that what you prefer?”
“Come on,” I rolled my eyes. I moved my half-empty coffee mug to the sink and pulled a bottle of pear juice from the back of the refrigerator. “You wanna grab her cup for me?”
And you give me the most gorgeous sleep that I’ve ever had
“Where is it?”
“Same place as usual,” I replied, twisting the cap off of the juice.
“The same place as usual is in a sink full of dirty dishes,” she smiled, pulling a sippy cup from the cabinet that sat above the telephone. “Here.”
And when it’s really bad, I guess it’s not that bad
“Thank you.”
Under her dark blue Yankees cap, she watched me pour a cupful of juice, smiling brightly while Jailyn cooed in the silence. “You’re such a cute dad.”
And you’re really lovely underneath it all
And you want to love me underneath it all
I let my bare foot tap her leg and winked. “You’re a cute step-mom.”
And I’m really lucky underneath it all
“And is that like... soon-to-be-official step-mom or just the girlfriend kind of step-mom?”
“Which one would you rather be?” I questioned, handing Jailyn her juice.
“Honestly? I’m cool with either one,” she shrugged. “Whatever makes you happy.”
And you’re really lovely
“This,” I started, with raised eyebrows, glancing between my daughter and girlfriend, “makes me happy.”
“This?”
“This moment... whatever we are right now, the three of us, is me happy,” I grinned.
“Well good,” she smiled back. “This is good.”
“Yeah.”
So many moons that we have seen, stumbling back next to me
I’ve seen right through and underneath and you make me better
Our minimal chatter dwindled down to silence as we watched Jailyn happily consume her drink, her smiling blues fixated on me. “What are you so happy about?” I asked her playfully.
“She’s excited for you, dude. We talked in the car,” she chuckled, leaning against the counter, “and we decided that you’re gettin’ a Grammy tonight.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yep. So, I hope your speech is prepared.”
“I’m not quite sure I wanna count my chickens before they’re hatched,” I smirked, “but I hope y’all are right.”
“We are,” she finished, turning her head just in time to see a blonde head bobbling past the kitchen windows. “I take it that isn’t your mom,” she commented, moving towards the door.
“Probably not.” Seeing how we hadn’t spoken since last Sunday.
Devin graciously opened the door to Cameron’s bubbly, unannounced presence with a smile. “Hey, Cameron.”
“Hello,” she grinned to Devin. “Surprised to see you here.”
“Well, I am still his girlfriend,” she politely shot back.
“No one would know by your disappearing act this week.” Cameron moved further into the house, seemingly unaffected by her own discourtesy and stalked towards me, planting a kiss on my cheek that was dangerously close to my lips, receiving a glare from me in reply. “Hey, you two.”
“Hello,” I answered, moving to the kitchen table with Jai. “So, Devin“.”
“I thought about bringing by some breakfast,” Cameron interrupted unnecessarily, “but I figured, duh, it’s like 11:00 and it’s like almost lunchtime, so I could just take you out to lunch if you want.”
“Cameron, I was talking,” I sternly retorted.
“Were you? I’m sorry, I didn’t even notice. I get that way sometimes, where I just start talking and thinking I’m the only one in the room “ I’m so weird like that. My fault, yo.”
“Uh, Cameron,” Devin inserted, still standing at the open door, “I think you should go.”
She spun on her heel and brought her gaze to Devin. “Excuse me?”
“It’s time. For you. To go.” Devin sardonically tilted her head, waiting for Cameron to say something else stupid. “Or should I say it in Spanish?”
“Whoa, what crawled up her ass and died,” she chuckled to me.
I just stared at her with raised eyebrows and shrugged. “I dunno, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use that kind of language around my baby.”
“Oohh, sorry,” she realized. “I’m sorry, Jailyn.”
“And it’s still time for you to go,” Devin repeated, becoming obviously impatient with Cameron’s stalling. “Get out.”
“I’m sorry, Devin,” she goofily laughed, “but last time I checked, this wasn’t your house. So, I’ll go when Justin asks me to go.”
“You’re right,” Devin agreed, glancing towards me. “So maybe I should go...”
“Maybe you should.”
“Okay, wait a minute,” I interrupted this nonsense. “How about y’all just get along?”
Devin immediately let the door slam shut and swiftly hopped to her favorite spot on my kitchen counter. “Justin, she’s addicted to her snide comments. I didn’t say anything but ‘Hello’ when she walked in here, did I not?” I nodded in agreement and glanced at Jailyn to make sure that their bullshit tension wasn’t making her uncomfortable. “So, you talk to her about getting along.”
“JT, you know her niceness is bullshit. I don’t even know why you listen to her.”
“Cameron,” I scolded her, “you’re gonna have to stop with the cursing.”
“Sorry,” she winced. “That’s just how much she pisses me off.”
“Some excuse,” Dev rolled her eyes. “Listen, if she’s not gonna go, then I will.”
This is like Hawaii all fucking over again. “You’re right, Dev. So, maybe you should g“.”
“I can’t believe you’re kicking me out again,” she interrupted me, sighing heavily as her long legs hit the floor. She glared at Cameron and then stalked towards me to kiss Jailyn goodbye. “Bye bye, little lady.”
“Devin“.”
“It’s okay, Justin. I get it.”
“Devin, please stop.”
“Why? You made your choice, and it’s her once again.” She let go of her lingering grasp on Jai’s hand and turned for the door. “Good luck tonight.”
I refused to yell in front of my baby, but I was determined to stop her. “Devin, don’t walk out that door.”
“Justin, let her go,” Cameron interjected smugly.
“Cameron“.”
“Did you tell her about our kiss last week yet?”
My eyes widened at Cameron’s dirty admission and then darted to Devin, whose head immediately craned back at us, her stare icy and inquisitive. “Cameron, get out,” I finally said.
“What? Why?”
“Because it’s my house and I want you gone.”
“But you just kicked her out,” she argued. “Why do I have to go?”
“I didn’t kick her out. Before I was interrupted, I was trying to politely say that you were the one that needed to go,” I explained, “and now you’re being ridiculously immature, so I’m bypassing the bull. Leave.”
“Wait a minute,” Devin inserted. “Before I leave, why don’t y’all talk about this kiss some more?”
“Why are you still leaving?” I asked.
“We kissed at the game last night,” Cameron revealed.
“She’s lying,” I denied.
“When I was by his side where you were supposed to be,” Cameron continued, “he turned to me and I picked up where you never should’ve left off.”
“Oh, it must be really fulfilling to be sloppy seconds,” Devin shot back. “Seriously, I’m sick of looking at you. Get out.”
“Okay, but it’s still not your house,” Cameron chuckled. “And in case you haven’t noticed, he doesn’t even love you enough to stay engaged to you.”
“Cameron, get out,” I repeated.
“And he doesn’t like you enough to be with you.” With raised eyebrows, Devin held the door open for Cameron while I stood near the refrigerator with Jailyn’s arms clung to my neck. “You heard the man.”
“This is ridiculous,” she decided, running her hands through her mess of stringy, blonde tresses. “She’s the one that should be leaving. She abandoned you, Justin.”
“Cameron, get out.” How many times is that now?
“Justin!”
“Get out!” I finally yelled, having run out of options with her crazy ass. Regretfully, Jailyn began to cry in response, forcing me to leave the room. But before my exit, I told her, “I don’t care how it happens, but I want you gone by the time I get back.”
I escaped with Jailyn to the decor of her lavender and yellow bedroom, the two of us taking a seat in the white rocking chair at the front of the room as I tried to sway her out of her anguish. “It’s okay, mama,” I ran my hands over her curls, “it’s okay.” She kept her eyes on me but continued to bawl like her life depended on it, leaving me to wonder what I could possibly do to make her feel better.
I’m not sure just how to say this to you
The words just don’t come out right
“I’m sorry for yelling, baby.” I picked her up from my lap and held her over my right shoulder, gently rubbing her back as I continued to speak. “There are gonna be times in your life when people test you as a human being “ like Cameron just did to me. And you know, hopefully I’ll raise you well enough where you’ll be able to pass the test.” I brought her back down to my lap as her crying began to subside and smiled down at her. “I just failed one of my tests, Jai. In fact, I’ve failed a lot of them in the past 7 days, but you know, it’s okay sometimes. It’s okay to mess up... as long as you clean up.”
“So, no matter what happens in life, don’t be afraid to take risks, make mistakes ‘cause I’m here for you, to help you clean up, even when no one else is, okay?” Her sobs had turned to sniffles and it seemed like she was actually listening to whatever rambling I was doing, so I kept going. “I gotta be honest with you though “ I have no idea what I’m doing right now. And I’m scared, Jai.”
But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel something for you
“I’m terrified that my life will never go back to what it was before last week; I sometimes think that you’re just too good for me and that I’ll find some way to mess you up, too. Is that crazy?” I chuckled and kept talking. “You know what else? I’m scared that falling in love with Devin is soon going to become my favorite mistake; and one day, she’ll be yet another one of those things that I’ve found a way to mess up. Because I always do.”
You gotta understand that love was something I knew nothing about until I met you
I realized that I was the one that was about to start crying in a minute, but I held onto sanity a little while longer to vent my frustrations to the only person I knew wouldn’t and couldn’t judge me yet. “And the thing about me, Jai, is that I don’t clean my messes up so they all just get bigger and more impossible to deal with as they melt into each other,” I sighed. “So now, the only thing I’m really sure about in my life is that I love you. And that’s one thing that can never change, no matter how stupid I may get. So I guess that’s a little reassuring, huh?”
I said hey girl, I just can’t seem to take my eyes off of you
But who could blame?
‘Cause when I look into those baby blues I can feel my heart fall to the ground
And for that I love you
“I wish I knew what was in store for us “ what life was going to throw our way next, but I guess it wouldn’t be life if that were the case, huh?” I traced my finger along the sides of her face as her four-tooth smile met my gaze before the two of us yawned almost simultaneously. “I have so many dreams to fulfill with you, girl. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” I leaned back in our rocking chair and let my eyes float to the ceiling, where her name had been painted in cursive across it. “Looks like you’re stuck with me,” I chuckled.
I tried everything I knew from before
She on my technique and now my heart is sore
I’m on cloud nine and I want some more
She got me floatin’
About an hour later, after me and Jailyn had fallen asleep, I awoke from my mini-nap with her still adorably lost in slumber, attached to my arms. Remembering I’d left Cameron and Devin downstairs, I placed Jai in her crib and headed to the eerily quiet downstairs portion of my house, hoping that Devin would still be alive when I got there.
“Devin?” I called out quietly, not finding her where I left her in the kitchen or even in the living room. I moved down the halls, checking all five bathrooms and then continued outside to the patio, containing nothing but emptiness. Traipsing back inside, I grabbed the baby monitor from the living room coffee table and trekked it to the driveway to look for her white BMW, mumbling to myself. “Why the fuck would she leave without saying anything.”
Then, just as I spotted her white Beemer between my Porsche and one of my Harleys, I heard her voice behind me, proceeding her footsteps against the gravel. “I didn’t go anywhere, dumbass.”
You’ve used up all your coupons and all you’ve got left is me
Turning around with a smile, I walked back towards her retreat from the house and pulled her into a bear hug. “I thought you were gone,” I said, stating the obvious.
She ran her thumb along my eyebrow and kissed the tip of my nose while raising her own eyebrows. “And why would you think that?”
“‘Cause,” I shrugged.
“‘Cause I should’ve?”
“No,” I argued with a grin.
“Yes...”
“Well yeah, you should’ve left me last week actually.”
“If only I could, man.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed tightly, inhaling sharply. “If only I could.”
And somehow I’m full of forgiveness
I guess it’s meant to be
“Well I hope you don’t,” I said quietly into her ear.
“I won’t.”
And you’re really lovely underneath it all
And you want to love me underneath it all
And I’m really lucky underneath it all
And you’re really lovely
“Justin,” Devin came strolling into my bedroom with the cordless phone held out to me, “it’s your mama.”
Sullenly, I took the phone from her and spoke to my mom for the first time since I went borderline ballistic on her the previous Sunday. “Hey, ma.”
“Hey, baby. You all ready to go?”
I looked down at my sweat pants and dirty t-shirt and decided that I probably wasn’t ready for the Grammy’s quite yet. “Not exactly.”
“Well, it’s three-thirty, Justin. What are you waiting for?”
“I dunno,” I shrugged. “I’m not even sure if I wanna go anymore.”
“Justin, don’t you let these people bring you down,” she warned me. “They’ll run over you your entire life if you let them, baby.”
“I know.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I just feel too alone to be out in that kind of spotlight,” I admitted. I looked up to Devin, who was standing over me with concern in her eyes and then shifted my gaze over to my suit hanging on the closet door, waiting to be worn.
“Isn’t Devin there with you?” my mom asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yeah.”
“So then why would you feel alone?”
“Because it’s a kind of isolation that no one can help me through because no one else is going through it but me.”
“Baby, I love you,” she began, “but you have got to stop whining and for God’s sake, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re healthy and happy and you have so much to look forward to; you better not let that one mistake dictate the rest of your life.”
“Mom, you don’t get it. I’m gonna just go“.”
“I get it, Justin. You want the world to understand what you didn’t do, but it doesn’t work like that, baby. All they know is what you did and that’s what they’re gonna judge you on “ you can’t control how other people feel about you, so just do you. Please, sweetie.”
“I’ll try,” I relented.
“Just enjoy the night, okay?”
“Wait,” I paused her, “can you come?”
“You want me to?” she asked, seemingly hopeful.
“Yeah. I need you to come,” I softly intimated.
“You don’t need me,” she corrected, “but you know I’m there for you, even when you think you do.”
“Thank you,” I smiled to myself.
“I’ll be there in half an hour, so be ready.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” she finished.
“Oh, and mom?” I stopped her before she could hang up.
“Yes, darlin’?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She chuckled and sniffled into the phone in the same breath and added, “I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.” Turning the phone off, I finally looked back up at Devin with a slight contentment in my eyes. “Tonight might not suck after all,” I commented.
“Yeah?” She sat down on the bed next to me and held my hand. “Your mom’s gonna go?”
I nodded my head and looked down at our bare feet. “I want you to come, too.”
“Me?”
“Yeah,” I nodded again. “Please?”
“I’d love to go, J. But then, who would watch Jailyn?”
“I can get my dad to come, like we originally planned,” I suggested. “Devin, this just might be the hardest night of my life to get through and I need you to be with me for it.”
“Justin, you’ve never needed me before and this is no different...”
“No, it is different,” I countered, “because before, I didn’t have you to know that I needed you. And now that I do have you, I can’t go back to whatever I was before then. Please,” I begged, my eyes boring into hers. “Please.”
A tear fell from her intense eyes and she began to emphatically nod as she wiped that tear away. “Okay,” she sniffled, “I’ll be there.”
You think I’d leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees
I wouldn’t do that
By 4:15, our car was on the way to Staples Center, me sitting between two of the three loves of my life, my nerves filling the car with some kind of strangulating tension. All I could wonder was how people would react when I stepped out of the car and what all my celebrity acquaintances were going to say to me, if anything. Now that I’d left my angry, ‘I don’t give a fuck’ phase, was my skin thick enough to get through whatever these people had to throw at me?
“You okay?” my mom asked, disrupting my entranced state.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I grinned, not turning towards her. “I’m great.”
She planted a kiss on the side of my face and then wiped away the lipstick as the two of us listened in on Devin’s side of her conversation on my cell. After a series of shrieks and ‘Oh my God’s, she flipped the phone closed and handed it to me before facing the two of us. “So, guess what.”
“What?”
“That was Pharrell...”
“And?”
“And dude!” As a vibrant smile crossed her slender face, she eyed me and then my mom before revealing to me, “You won a Grammy!”
“No shit?”
“Dude, I wouldn’t even joke about that,” she laughed, squeezing my hand. “He said you won for Best Pop Vocal Album.”
“Wow.”
“I know!”she beamed.
My mom, who I knew was crying, inserted a quick, “Congratulations, baby,” before she took my phone to begin calling everyone in our family.
“So can you be happy now?” Devin requested with pleading eyes. “For me?”
“I’m happy,” I lied.
“If you’re gonna lie to me, you could at least put some effort into it,” she chuckled with a little sniffle. “I know you don’t think so now, but it’s gonna be a good night, J.”
My gaze fell from her beautiful face and instead concentrated on the grip her hand had on my own and I smiled in spite of myself. “Devin, I know I never exactly apologized for last week and the way I acted, but“.”
“Stop,” she quietly refuted me, holding up her index finger to my lips. “I already know.”
“But“.”
“Don’t worry about that tonight,” she continued.
I’ll tell you you’re right when you want
“Why not?”
And if only you could see into me
“Because tonight is about you, Justin “ not us, not you and Janet, or you and Trace or whoever,” she explained enthusiastically. “And I don’t want you infiltrating your mind with anything that’s happened in the past week, because even after all the bullshit you’ve done, you still deserve to enjoy this one night that you’ve worked all your life to get to.” She quickly licked her lips and gave me a half smile. “You’ll still be wrong tomorrow.”
Oh, when you’re cold, I’ll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh, when you’re low, I’ll be there
By your side baby
Getting down the red carpet “ well actually, it was some puke green carpet “ was a lot easier than I anticipated. I expected to be ignored and booed, but the reception from the crowd was surprisingly calm and the paparazzi were hounds, as usual. On top of the fact that I just assumed I’d been blacklisted, I couldn’t bear to do any interviews, so I just avoided eye contact with anyone I knew at all costs. Aside from Pharrell, Chad, and the BEP crew, I didn’t even talk to anyone I didn’t come with. Why? Because yes, I was scared of what they’d say. Or wouldn’t say. Or what they’d said to everyone else but me. I mean, you’d still smile in my face, right? That doesn’t make it any less painful to deal with, though.
The show was where the hard part came. As if my nerves weren’t already on edge about this whole Janet situation, it was there that I found out she’d been ‘banned’ from the show and that it would’ve been more morally supportive if I hadn’t showed up either. First of all, there’s been nothing but immorality thrown back and forth across the entire ordeal all week. Now people want me to turn into the upstanding gentleman? I might as well play the role they gave me over the course of the week, right?
And second of all, if I hadn’t been up for three awards as well as performing twice, I wouldn’t have shown my face there either, but unlike Miss Jackson, I had a purpose for being there. To this day, I don’t understand why her banishment from her two minute appearance was so fucking outrageous. It was wrong, sure. But so was she. So was I. So was everyone else involved. And once those thoughts began to sink in, I became belligerent. The dirty looks and the catcalls throughout the show were really starting to piss me off. People are so quick to judge when more often than not, they don’t know half of what the fuck is going on. I just wanted to enjoy the damn show, you know?
When you’re on the outside baby, and you can’t get in
I will show you you’re so much better than you know
“You okay?” my mom whispered to me as Christina’s regal performance came to an end, and John Mayer took the stage with Matthew Perry.
“Yeah,” I nodded, turning in my seat to look for Devin. She decided to avoid controversy and sit two rows behind me with Fergie, but I really wish she’d been at my side. Being between her and my mom really put me at ease “ I felt protected. “Come here,” I signaled, receiving questionable looks from the row between us.
Her eyebrows raised in incredulity, but after a few more awkward glances, she gracefully rose from her seat, her hot pink dress swinging with her and scooted to where I sat, squeezing onto the corner of my seat that I could give her. “What’s up?” she smiled.
“I just wanted to see you,” I earnestly grinned.
“You havin’ fun?”
“I guess,” I shrugged.
“Beyonce and Prince were great, weren’t they?”
“That was hot,” I nodded. “Christina sounded good, too.”
“As always,” she agreed, “but I dunno what was goin’ on with my girl’s hair tonight.”
“It looked like a nest,” I laughed.
“A nest covered in tar,” she cackled, turning back to her seat as No Doubt moved towards the stage for their win. “You sure you’re okay?” she prodded.
“I’m fine. I wish y’all would stop lookin’ at me like I’m about to break.”
“Well hey, we never know when it comes to you, baby.”
“I just want you to stay with me.”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere, J. I’m right back there if you need me.”
“No, I don’t want you to go back there,” I coughed. I avoided the stare of the camera lens as it passed the two of us, looking down at both of our feet. “Stay here.”
“I can’t sit like this all night!”
“Please don’t leave.”
“Boy, stop bein’ a baby. Your mom’s right here, I’m just two rows behind you “ you’re fine, just like you said.”
“Fine,” I sighed in annoyance. “Go back to your seat.”
“Don’t get all bitchy and shit. I’m right back there.” She shifted off of the seat and kneeled in front of me. “Okay?”
“Whatever.”
“Okay, fine then,” she relented, rising to her full five foot ten stance, “forget you.”
I think she was playing, but I was serious as hell. “Fuck you,” I mumbled.
“Fuck you.” She kicked me with her size nine stiletto and moved back to where she’d come from, leaving me with an inspiring, “I love you.”
“Whatever.”
As Martina McBride finished her performance of whatever the hell she did, I nervously listened as the announcer declared the next three presenters. “From Joan of Arcadia, Evanescence and The Wallflowers, Amber Tamblyn, Amy Lee and Jacob Dylan...”
The three of them took the stage with apparent indifference, drastically contrasting the vivid emotions coursing through my body because I knew this was my category. I don’t even know what jargon they went through before going through the nominees, but I felt my pulse racing, my palms begin to perspire and the entire room seemed to turn to silence, everything freezing but the beat of my heart.
“And the Grammy goes to...” That Wallflowers guy was way too calm for my liking. It was like could he open the fucking envelope any slower? “Behave,” he inserted. That’s when I knew. “Justin Timberlake.”
All the noise in the room came crashing back down on me when ‘Cry Me A River’ blasted through the arena and as my mom screamed and grabbed my face, I felt like I’d just been catapulted to the top of the world. I wish I could’ve held onto my mom forever at that point, but I convinced myself that everyone in the room was mad at me and that I should cut my moment short so as to not waste anyone’s time and piss them off even more.
I released myself from our hug, wiping my neck of her lipstick while anticipating what the hell I was about to say. Walking up the steps, I glanced out of the corner of my eye to look for Devin, failing to spot her, but kept the smile on my face anyway. Because even her absence couldn’t bring me down at that point. “Wow,” I mumbled to myself, realizing that I was actually holding a Grammy. And it was all mine. “Whoa... Umm,” I chuckled, flattered by the encouragement I didn’t think I’d receive after everything that had happened. “It’s uh, it’s an honor just to be in the company that I was in. Um, I’m humbled “ this is overwhelming. I don’t know what to say. Um,” I looked down and then back into the crowd, again searching for my girlfriend’s bright dress and hopefully her smile to match. Oh well...
“I wanna thank the Grammy Association. Um, I wanna thank my family. I wanna thank all the fans that have been with me year, after year, after year. I wanna thank the most beautiful woman in the world, my mother. I love you,” I shyly smiled, looking towards her. It was then that I realized how despicable I’d acted towards her all week and I wanted to hop off the stage and hug her again.
“Umm. Listen, I know it’s been a rough week on everybody, and um,” I continued, glad to receive a collective chuckle from the audience. “What occurred was unintentional, completely regrettable, and I apologize if you guys were offended,” went my robotic apology. “This has been a dream of mine,” I started, before I heard my mom insert her exasperated comment. “Don’t,” I told her with a laugh, “I already got enough. Don’t.” Back to what I was saying... “Thank you. I’m “ I don’t know what to say. This is officially the greatest moment of my life. Thank you.” Hoping not to spontaneously combust into tears onstage, I held up the biggest reward I’ve ever received and moved out of the spotlight.
“Hey you.”
When you’re lost and you’re alone and you can’t get back again
I will find you darling, and I will bring you home
Before reaching the main area of backstage, through all the other commotion, I managed to hear Devin’s voice behind me. I spun around to find her waiting in the wings, her gorgeous smile greeting me. I licked my lips, holding my gramophone out of the way and headed towards her. “Hey.”
“I’m proud of you.” Getting closer to her, I saw her smeared mascara and glistening orbs and I knew she’d been crying. Happily, I hope. “I’m so proud of you.” I noticed the fall of some excess tears down her face before she wrapped her long arms around my neck and affectionately pressed her body against mine. “I wish you knew,” she whispered.
I tried to fight it, but I’d been on the verge of crying ever since I got the first one. Standing there, holding my girlfriend, the tears came and didn’t have mercy on me for the sake of anyone watching. “I know,” I nodded into her hair, rubbing her open back. “I do know.”
“I think this might be the greatest moment of my life,” she chuckled, sniffling. She pulled slightly away to get a glimpse of my face, sweetly wiping my tears from my face. “God, I’m so happy for you right now.”
And if you want to cry, I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time, you’ll be fine
“I love you, Devin.” I kissed her fingers as they dropped over my lips while more of my tears fell over them. “No matter what I do, no matter what happens, just know that I love you.”
“What’s wrong, Justin?”
“Nothing,” I reassured her. “I just want you to know that and feel it and just... stick around.”
You think I’d leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees?
I wouldn’t do that
“Yeah.” She was frowning but she nodded her head in what seemed to be understanding. “Yeah, I told you I’m here.”
Oh, when you’re cold, I’ll be there, hold you tight to me
Like I said, maybe “ just maybe “ it’s not so bad after all.
“Can I ask you a question, though?” she whispered.
“Yeah.”
“Actually, no,” she chuckled, “nevermind.”
“What is it?”
“Nothing.” She grinned and held her hands out to me. “Let me see it.”
“No, not until you tell me.”
“It’s nothing,” she laughed. “Come on, I wanna your Grammy!”
“Devin. Tell me.”
“I just... wondered if... Cameron was telling the truth.”
“Probably not,” I dismissed, “but about what?”
“So you didn’t kiss her or her kiss you or any shit like that?”
“Devin.” I looked at her with an obviously bored look in my presumably red eyes.
“Justin,” she mocked me. “I just need to hear you say it, and that’ll be the end of it.”
“No, baby. I didn’t kiss her, she didn’t kiss me or any shit like that.” I chuckled trying to laugh my little lie off.
She smiled and wrapped her arms around my waist again with another comprehending nod. “Okay then.”
Oh, when you’re low, I’ll be there by your side baby
All right, so I still have some mess to clean up. But like Dev said, I’ll still be wrong tomorrow.
Lyrics:
“Underneath It All” - No Doubt (Rock Steady)
“Floatin’” - Charlie Wilson feat. Justin Timberlake & Will.I.Am (Charlie, Last Name Wilson)
“By Your Side” - Sade (Lovers Rock)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
