19. I’m Ready To Be Happy
You know, I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. It’s been three weeks, I’ve had no Cameron, no Mikey “ in fact, I’ve had nobody and nothing to disrupt my life and yet, me and Devin still aren’t together. And I just don’t get it. I’m pretty sure I’ve done everything that she asked me. I got rid of all the extra hoes, well except the thing with Beyonce at the EMAs, but I’m relatively sure that Devin doesn’t know about that yet, so yeah... don’t get it. All my attention goes to her but it’s like the minute I’m focused on her, she’s concentrated on any and everything else.
It was a mid-November day in Germany, on the rare occasion that I had a free day to myself, no promoting a DVD, appearing at another McDonald’s and not even a show that night. So, I took the day to do absolutely nothing. As much as I liked to believe that I was invincible and could tour forever, my ass was tired, so I figured I deserved a rest. And nothing in the foreseeable future for that day could drag me out of my lazy state.
Except maybe a knock on the door from Devin. “Open up!” she pounded.
After making a mad dash for the bathroom mirror to ensure there was no sleep crust in my eyes or expired drool going up my cheek, I swung the door open and happily greeted her. “Hey.”
Unbuttoning her light pink peacoat, she gave me a suspicious look and took a step into my warm room. “Hey.”
“How are you today?” I lamely asked, not really knowing what else to say.
“Not bad,” she nodded, walking into the bedroom portion of my suite to stand over the television. “Just got back from shopping.”
“Get anything good?”
“Good enough,” she decided with a smirk. “What are you up to?”
“Shit,” I chuckled simply.
She smiled and walked up to me, straightening my bushy eyebrow with her thumb. “Yeah, looks like it.”
“Shut up,” I grinned, swiping her hand from my face. “What do you want anyway?”
“Well, I stopped by ‘cause I got your message. So here I am.”
“Message?”
“Yeah, you left a message in my room telling me to come by...”
I tried to backtrack everything I’d done that day and I was pretty damn sure I had only picked up the phone to order food. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She took a seat on my messy bed and nodded emphatically. “You said that you wanted me to come by before the night was over.”
“You mean the message I left last night?”
She shrugged and grabbed the remote control. “I dunno.”
“Yeah, that was last night, baby.”
“Oh. Well what did you want?”
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I quietly answered. I sat down beside her, relatively unsure of what to do with the quiet moment so I didn’t say anything at first. But realizing that hunger had reared its ugly head, I stupidly decided to open my mouth at the same time as her. “Do you want“.”
“So, I think“,” she began, stopping when she recognized that I was talking, too. “Sorry.”
“Go ahead,” I shyly grinned, looking down at the rug on the floor.
“I was just gonna say that maybe I should get going.”
“Oh.”
“What were you gonna say?”
“I was gonna ask if you wanted to have dinner with me.”
“Oh.”
“But if you wanna leave, you can go ahead,” I inserted innocently. “I don’t wanna keep you.”
“Well no, I would love to. It’s just “ I made plans to have dinner with the girls.”
“The girls?”
“Yeah, like Kelly and Mel, Nicole, Michele and Maryss.”
“Oh, those girls.”
“But you’re welcome to join us if you want,” she added.
“That’s all right.” I don’t need a damn pity dinner.
“Dude, what’s wrong?” she questioned, pushing my knee off of hers with two of her fingers. “Since when do you turn down a date with six women?”
Since I wanted to have dinner with just one of them. “Since I don’t wanna impose,” I tried to smile. “Sounds like girls night out.”
“So you’d fit right in.” She immaturely stuck her tongue out at me and used those same two fingers to shove my shoulder. “Dude, I’m kidding. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I unconvincingly maintained. “I’m just tired, I guess.”
“Well listen, in case your ass gets untired, a bunch of us are going clubbin’ tonight.” She hopped up from my bed, grabbing her purse from where she dropped it on the floor. “You think you can swing it?”
“I’m not really up for it,” I declined. “I mean, with the show tomorrow and everything.”
“Suit yourself,” she decided walking to the door ahead of me. “I guess that means I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Wait,” I stopped her and then hesitated. I don’t know why I was suddenly so shy around her again. “Do you think that maybe... we could do breakfast?”
“Can’t,” she winced. “I have a hair and nail thing hella early tomorrow. As you can see, it’s much needed,” she laughed, fussing with her fluffy curls.
“Your hair looks like Melanie’s,” I agreed laughing at her huge mass of shoulder-length, blonde spirals infused with random sections of brown. “But I’d leave it like that if I were you.”
“Really?”
“It’s gorgeous that way.”
“I call it my No String Attached look,” she giggled. “We’d be twins if you’d kept that shit.”
“I also wouldn’t be standing here,” I laughed back. “So does that mean you’re free for breakfast?”
“Yeah... I guess,” she dryly consented.
Sarcastically, I replied, “Well damn, it’s nothing to get excited over.”
She immediately smiled and rolled her aquamarine eyes playfully. “I’ll see you in the morning, fool.”
“Wait, is that offer still open for tonight?”
“What? The club?”
“Yeah.”
“If you wanna come, sure.” She dug through her purse to pull out a hotel pen and grabbed my hand, beginning to try and scribble something over it. “Fuckin’ pen,” she mumbled in frustration.
“What are you writing?”
“Just ‘cause I know you and how you answer your phone about fifty percent of the time.” As the ink finally began to pour out, I watched her carefully scribble some German name and a bunch of numbers on the backside of my hand. “That’s the name of the club and the address,” she explained. “We’re leaving here at eleven, but if you don’t answer your phone when I call, that’s where we’ll be. Okay?”
“Yes, ma’am.” I saluted her with my blank hand and opened the door for her. “Have fun at dinner.”
“Oh, we will.”
“I’m sure.”
“Later, bitch.” She smiled and hit my shoulder one more time before escaping into the empty hallway.
And for some reason, as she skipped into obscurity, her last words hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, I know she’s been calling me a bitch for the past five years or so, but it was becoming alarmingly obvious to me that it was now true. So if my blind ass could see something like that, was it possible that everyone else perceived me as her bitch, too?
Excuse me Mrs. Busybody, could you pencil me in when you can?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me, if you wanted me
I am the man on the side, hoping you’ll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
That night, I watched 11:00 turn to 11:30 and I got no call of any kind. And I know because I watched my cell and the hotel phone like a damn hawk for an hour. But it was all right, because I did have the name of the club and it wasn’t like I needed a group of dancers to get me in. So I made it there without a problem.
Deja vu began to settle in as I had been sitting quietly in a random corner of the club that the group had chosen, and decided to inhale the scene before I jumped into it. European clubs seemed to have some kind of fascinating mysteriousness about them “ there was nothing more enigmatic than being thrown into a group of strangers that you could only communicate with physically, so I liked to observe before I moved. Well that, and I wanted to get drunk and ignore Devin if I could. The two of us in clubs just didn’t seem to mesh well.
For the most part, I’d just been staring into oblivion and picking through my assortment of Karlsberg beer, so I was surprised when I heard my name called. I looked up to see Devin strutting through the club, appearing to be trying to stop traffic in those tight ass jeans, headed straight for me.
Five foot nine, she’s got legs for days
Blue eyes that cut like a knife and her own little sexy sway, no
“What’s up?” I asked boringly.
“Not so much. What you drinkin’?”
“Beer.”
“How is it?”
“Okay,” I shrugged.
“You okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“I dunno. You just seem a little... off.”
“Well, I tend to get that way when I’m abandoned.”
“Who abandoned you?” she chuckled.
“I think the part where you failed to call me counts as abandonment,” I bit back.
“Aww,” she smiled. “I’ll make it up to you “ let’s dance.”
“I don’t wanna fucking dance,” I pouted stubbornly. “I want an apology.”
“Aww, was my little baby boy offended?” she cooed in a patronizing tone. She scooted further into the round booth so that we were side-by-side and patted the side of my face as if she were really supposed to be comforting me. “I’m sorry, J.”
“No you’re not. You probably didn’t call on purpose.”
“I resent that!” she said loudly before pushing my head away from her. “I forgot!”
“Oh yeah, just like you ‘forgot’ to show up to lunch the other day and how you ‘forgot’ about my show after the EMAs. It’s convenient how you forget everything I ask you to do but when it’s time to go shopping or see a damn movie, your shit is totally organized.”
“Whoa, baby. Slow it down.” She moved over a little bit and tilted her head to look at me sideways. “I’m sorry if I can’t cater to your every whim, but here I am now, down for whatever you wanna do tonight. But don’t get salty with me ‘cause I have a life outside of you.”
“Whatever.”
“Whatever?” she asked for clarification. “That’s how you want it to go now?”
“Whatever,” I repeated.
“Later, then.” With that, she obstinately rose from her seat and disappeared from the table just as quickly as she’d come.
Don’t waste no time movin’ to the floor
But I didn’t care. I didn’t feel like putting up with her controlling ass anyway. Yeah, that’s right, y’all “ I am Devin Delfino’s bitch no more.
Yeah, right.
After about half a minute of contemplation, I shot up from the table myself, even though I knew I should’ve just stayed where I was. Last thing I needed was for her to break my foot (again) in the middle of a tour. But I prayed for the best and went blindly into the crowd, searching for a head of thick, blonde curls.
It wasn’t long before I spotted two women dancing together that fit the description, both of whom were thankfully part of my entourage. Discreetly removing Melannie from where she danced in front of Devin, I slightly lifted my cap to ensure that she wasn’t wasted and then began talking over the loudness of ‘Baby Boy’ vibrating through the club’s speakers.
“I’m sorry,” I initiated loudly.
“Why you actin’ like that?” she asked back. “I thought we were cool again.”
“We are.”
“So what’s the problem?” She moved in closer to me and turned around, making sure that her ass mimicked every beat that the song’s drum put out.
And when she starts to move
She have you callin’ your mama sayin’ you wanna go home
“The problem,” I stuttered, “is that it feels like we’ve gone right back to the beginning.” I let my hands rest on her hips, resisting the temptation to straight up grope her ass while I was trying to be serious, but as she kept moving, it was becoming increasingly difficult to complete that simple task. “I thought you wanted me.”
“I did,” she quipped. “I mean... I do.”
“Seriously?”
“Well... I mean, of course I do. It’s just...”
Baby, tell me why can’t I have you?
“Just... what?”
She stopped moving and turned to face me again. Her eyes seemed to shout confusion with maybe a little lust clouded behind that, but her lips were saying something completely opposite. She wanted to blame it on me again. “I just don’t know that you want me.”
Why you runnin’ girl? I just wanted to love you
“How is it that you don’t know that by now?”
“Because if you did, would it have taken you this long?”
“It’s taken you just as long to admit your true feelings,” I pointed out. I grabbed her hand to pull her off of the dance floor and back to an empty booth away from the crowd. The music was still loud, so I sat down as close to her as I could and spoke to her ears. “I know I’ve fucked up along the way, but this is really it. This is me being as real as I know how to be.”
“Hold that thought,” she replied, putting up her index finger, turning to the next table. I heard her shout to one of our crew, “Sky, could you get me a drink?”
He smirked at her and snaked over to our booth to take her order. “Yeah, what can I get for you?”
“I dunno,” she laughed. “What do they have here?”
He shrugged and held up a bottle of beer, identical to that of which I’d been drinking earlier. “This is all I’ve ventured to taste.”
“Dev,” I interrupted, “I was kind of in the middle of something important.”
“I know, I know,” she said quickly, “just gimme a second.”
I sat back in my seat and in frustration, watched the two of them flirt with each other. Did I mention that this felt like deja vu?
I love you baby, I love you
I love you baby, I love you
But I guess you don’t have time for me
Pissed didn’t even begin to describe my feelings when Devin disappeared with Sky to the bar and only God knows what else she was doing in the ten minutes she was gone. But by the time she came back, I was just done with her ass.
I want you baby, I want you
I want you baby, I want you
But I guess love don’t love me
Smiling, she slid back into the booth and kissed me on the cheek once she got close enough. “Hey!”
“Hello.”
“What’s wrong?” she asked, rubbing remains of her lip gloss off of my scruff-covered cheek.
“Get off of me.”
“Okay seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“I was in the middle of a fucking sentence and you just had to have a drink?” I inched further away from her and stared at the tabletop. “Fuck you, Devin.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
I frowned in her direction and went back to my fixation on absolutely nothing. “Go away.”
“Fine,” she spat, preparing to walk away angrily for the second time that night. “Let me know when you’re done PMSing.”
No this bitch didn’t. “Okay, sit down,” I said quietly.
It’s okay to be scared, ‘cause this girl is super bad
“What?”
“Sit down.”
“What the fuck? What is up with your fuckin’ mood swings, dude?”
“I dunno,” I sighed. “You can go.”
She will probably be the best thing that you never had
She exhaled loudly and just stood looming over me with a glare on her face. “I knew this was a damn mistake,” she finally muttered just loud enough for me to hear. “I’m gonna get a cab back to the hotel. You wanna come?”
“I can just get Mike to bring the car around,” I suggested.
“Look, I don’t want your celebrity-paparazzi crap in my face tonight. Either pull your hat down and hop in the cab, or I’ll see you later.”
Don’t waste no time tryin’ to make her your own
‘Cause what she says goes
And like Boyz II Men said, this is the end of the road
Our silent ride to Le Royal Meridien was some form of torture for me. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what to say and even worse, I didn’t want to know how she’d react. So I kept my mouth shut. As usual.
When we finally pulled up the decorative front of our hotel, I got out of the car and rushed to her side to gentlemanly open the door for her, only to be greeted with a puff of cigarette smoke floating through her lips. “I thought you quit smoking,” I commented, accompanying her inside.
“Who told you that lie?”
“Well, I haven’t seen you do it in months.”
“That’s ‘cause I don’t smoke when I’m working.”
I lightly chuckled, pushing the elevator button. “But you’re on tour now.”
“Well, that’s just how much you fucking piss me off.”
“I didn’t do shit to you,” I scoffed. “If anything, I should be pissed off at you.”
“No, I didn’t do shit to you either.”
“So then, what are we mad about?”
“I’m mad because I don’t know what you really want from me. And I don’t know what I want with you.”
By then, we’d reached my floor and were heading down the hall trying to quietly continue our conversation. “So then, are you mad at me or you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, what do you want me to do with that?” I chuckled, opening the door to my suite.
“I don’t know!” she shouted. “God, when did you and me become so damn complicated?”
“We’re not complicated,” I argued.
“Okay, fine. When did we become so stupid?”
“We’re not stupid either. We just “ we need some honesty.”
“No, I gave you honesty,” she interjected. “I came to Hawaii thinking we were finally getting off the ground, hoping for something more than our typical bullshit. In return, I ended up living in a freaking hospital disguised as a vacation home for five days. And you ignored me half the time,” she added sadly. “I moved to Los Angeles and in return, you were in New York “ and I know you couldn’t control that, but it still sucked,” she quickly explained before I could interrupt to defend myself. “I come on this tour and I’m finally okay with just doing me; just when I think that you don’t really want me and that we can be just friends again and that can be good enough for the two of us, you wanna take me back to your indecisive bullshit? You wanna drag me back into your drifting emotions?”
“They’re not drifting,” I opposed. “I’m finally sure of what I want and it’s you, Devin.”
“Well,” she responded quietly, “now I’m not sure...”
Baby, you said you loved me
But you led me on, got me feelin’ strong about you
“Fine then,” I nodded. I traipsed into my art deco bedroom and shut the door behind me.
But I can’t take no more so I’m gonna leave you alone
Girl I’m gone, girl I’m gone
I swiftly moved to the bathroom because I knew she’d be walking her ass into the bedroom within a matter of seconds. And I was right. Just as I leaned into the bathroom sink, the sound of her hard knock against the door rattled me out of whatever melancholia I was preparing to enter.
“J, open the door,” she requested. She fiddled with the locked handle and then knocked again. “Please?”
“I’m done, Devin. I can’t chase you forever,” I said to the closed door.
“Open the door.”
“No.”
“I’m not gonna talk to you through a door, Justin.”
“Then you’re not gonna talk to me at all.” I got up to head for the shower and run some warm water. “Just do your favorite thing and leave.”
“This is why you’re alone, Justin. You push away everyone that wants to love you.”
“Fuck you; I’m not alone.”
“So you didn’t alienate every other woman you know until you end up here, unwilling to face the one of them that’s left?” I didn’t know what to say to that so I began to shed my clothes, wishing that I could degenerate my armor along with it. “Open the door, please.”
“I’m taking a shower. Go away,” I coldly shot back.
“Fine. Have it your way.”
With that, I stepped into the glass box of a shower, already clouded by steam and sighed in slight satisfaction as the hot water fell over my head. I didn’t move. Actually, I couldn’t move. I just stood there while water cascaded down my tired body, and dissipated into the drain.
I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass, I’m looking out
I wanted to cry. So I did. I cried the tears that I’ve been fighting for weeks now. Tears of anguish, confusion, frustration. I’d fucked up a lot over the past year. I mean, random, incomprehensibly stupid fuck ups that I could’ve easily avoided, or at least controlled if I’d just opened my mouth, or kept my zipper shut. But I didn’t. So here I was.
Is this my life, I’m wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this fate around?
Is this the bed I chose to make?
Believe it or not, I did want to love. I wanted to be free enough and comfortable enough with myself to love someone else. The right way. And in my head, I was hearing Devin’s name being shouted at me, but in my heart, I kept hearing that I was gonna hurt her the way I never meant to hurt everyone else I’ve come into contact with. And in turn, I was gonna get hurt right back.
I think my relationship with Britney fucked me up a lot more than I was once willing to admit. It was puppy love, sure, but it was intense. For three years, she was my life. And when you feel like life has cheated you, you’re not exactly up for living it right anymore.
Still, I didn’t want to go through it miserably, questioning every move I made. I didn’t want to look out into the world anymore and see everyone else happy but me. I’d watched the people on this tour for a long time “ my friends, co-workers, lively and seemingly complete. I mean, I don’t know “ maybe they were all just as dysphoric as I was, but through my eyes, it seemed genuine. And everything in me has been screaming for help, because... how was I supposed to get there?
There’s greener pastures I’m thinking about
Wide open spaces far away
All I want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared
I kept standing there, allowing the water, now falling over my face, to merge with my relentless flow of tears before eventually leaning into the cold, unforgiving shower wall and I began to sob against it. “I need help,” I whispered into the wall, hoping that God could hear my plea. “I need help,” I cried.
Wild horses, I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I’ll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I’m longing to
The slam of the bathroom door startled me, but didn’t move me. Through the steam and blurriness of tears, I could see an outline of Devin “ you couldn’t miss her hot pink shirt anywhere “ walking quickly towards me. There were two loud thumps against the floor, me assuming she’d taken off her big black leather boots, before the shower door went swinging open.
“Talk to me, or I’m coming in,” she demanded, ignoring the fact that I was naked and leaned dejectedly into the small corner.
“I don’t know what else to say,” I told her, refusing to look in her direction. “How the hell did you get in here anyway?”
She grabbed a towel and stepped into the shower stall, fully clothed, standing boldly before me. “Persistence.” Without asking, she wrapped the soaked towel around my waist and quickly ran her hand over my wet face. “How many times can we run away from each other?”
I wanna run with you
Closing my eyes and leaning my head back, I said, “I don’t even know if I’m running from you. Or whether I’ve been running from anyone else. I think I’m just tryin’ to get away from me.”
“Why?”
“‘Cause I’m not good for anybody. Not even myself.”
“And what’s convinced you of that?”
“Me,” I chuckled, bringing my stare back to her, watching her curls melt in the water.
“So... that means you’re giving up on me?”
“You said you didn’t even know if you wanted me anymore.”
“I said I wasn’t sure. And if you had let me finish, you would’ve also heard me say that I was terrified of what could happen with me and you, but that I was ready if you were.”
“I don’t think I deserve you,” I countered.
“That’s very true,” she smiled. “But for some reason, I still want you. I still have this huge open space in my heart for you. I still wanna try and love you past this pain you’re putting yourself through.”
“I don’t know why.”
“Because, believe it or not, you deserve happiness, too. I know you’ve been beating yourself up for the mistakes you’ve made, but you are not your mistakes. You learn from them and you move on.”
If only that someone was me
Jumping headfirst, headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
“But where am I going?”
“To me.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Devin. I“.”
“Then don’t,” she shot back smartly. “Just don’t.”
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free
I wanna run to you
“You make it sound so simple.”
“It is simple.” She finally turned off the running water and moved in closer to me to begin to wipe my tears away. “Listen, I know it’s easy to reject the unknown out of sheer fear, but I’d rather us take the hard road and just go with whatever it is we’re feeling.”
“Yeah.”
“I mean, I’m so scared that if this doesn’t happen the right way, our friendship is just fucked,” she laughed lightly. “But at the same time, if something happens to you that’s never happened before, don’t you owe it to yourself to at least find out what it is?”
I was ready to agree with her when a sudden rush of fresh tears came abound and I would’ve sunk to the floor if Devin hadn’t heroically pulled me into her embrace. “I’m so sick of crying,” I whispered into her wet hair.
“It’s okay, babe. Cry it out.” I could hear her sniffle above my ear but she continued to hold me, rocking me back and forth across the small shower space. “Maybe you need a good cry.”
My sobs, more convulsive than I would’ve liked, began to overtake the two of us, to the point where we were weeping into one another, internally begging to just stay in that moment of innocent intimacy. And at that instant, I didn’t care about how it looked externally. If I looked like a bitch crying to her, then so be it. What I knew was that for the first time probably since Jailyn was born, I felt like I’d taken a step towards completion “ towards happiness.
Recklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart, tell her how I feel
With that realization, my tears seemed to lessen and another piece of the puzzle seemed to fall into place. She was what made me happy. Of course, there were the times when I wanted nothing more than to give her a big swift kick in the ass, but at the end of the day, whether we were together or not, the thought of her put me at ease. She was sometimes this gorgeous tower of strength, soulful when least expected. That’s when I could lean on her and I knew she’d be able to bear my weight. And then, there were those moments where she was more fragile than probably anyone could fathom. Those were the times that I wanted to step in and shield her from the ugly pains of the world as best I could. Together, maybe we could clean up the calamities we’d made of ourselves. Together, we could complete each other; be happy.
“I’m ready to be happy,” I told her, finally pulling out of our soggy embrace.
“And that’s what I want for you,” she grinned shyly.
“I’m ready to be happy... with you,” I added with my own meek smile.
“Seriously?” she beamed, her baby blue eyes lighting up beyond the glimmer of tears that remained in her eyes. “Like, officially?”
“Officially.”
Wild horses, I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I’ll fun free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I’m longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
I wanna run with you
The next day started off relatively well. Devin and I began our lives together as an official couple with breakfast in my room. It was really refreshing, if not romantic, and cheered both of us up considerably. I felt like I was getting a brand new start. But then again, when you’re as low as I was the night before, there’s really nowhere to go but up anyway. Still, I was happy as hell.
But then lunch rolled around. Not that it wasn’t awesome, because it certainly started off well with me and Devin sharing a bunch of free McDonald’s entrees and hanging out on the stage at Olympiahalle. It was one of those things where we were both totally enthralled with the empty conversation, really just enjoying one another’s company. And then my phone rang.
“Excuse me, miss. I’m the shit. You should come hang with me basically,” Devin sang to my ringtone. “Who’s that?” she asked curiously, still moving to the song.
Innately, I knew who was calling. But I wanted to believe that I’d set that song for someone else, so I pulled my phone from the pocket of my sweats and stared at the blinking white screen. “It’s Mikey.”
Lyrics:
“Man On The Side” - John Mayer (Any Given Thursday)
“Love Don’t Love Me” - Justin Timberlake (Bad Boys II Soundtrack)
“Wild Horses” - Natasha Bedingfield (Unwritten)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
