18. Stop Fucking With Me
I never fail to disappoint? To hell with her. That was my initial reaction, anyway. But I knew she was right. I knew I hadn’t been who she wanted, or who I acted like I could be. And the worst part was that she didn’t ask for me, or a relationship or anything more than what I was willing to give, just like my mom said. I'd just offered more than I could spare.
I talked to Trace about the whole thing and he said the problem was that there was no longer the thrill of the chase. I only wanted Devin as long as I couldn’t have her. But I was pretty sure that wasn’t the problem, because I wanted her even more after I got her. But seriously, if that wasn’t it, then what was wrong with me?
And I know what you’re thinking. I have commitment issues, I don’t wanna be tied down and all that jargon most women assume about a man that’s not in a relationship. But no, I’m more than willing to be in a committed relationship, strings attached and all. Maybe not six months ago, but now, it sounded pretty damn appealing.
“Whatcha thinkin’ ‘bout?” My contemplative thoughts were interrupted by Cameron shuffling into my bedroom with a heap of clothes in a laundry basket against her hip.
“How many loads of laundry are you gonna do?”
“Well, we’re gonna be gone for the next two and a half weeks and you were in desperate need of some clean clothes, dude.”
I rolled over on my navy blue comforter so that she could sit the basket on the bed next to me. “I’m completely capable of doing my own laundry, you know.”
“Well, you don’t act like it. You didn’t even have Clorox.”
“That’s because I haven’t been home for more than a week since April.”
“We’ve been back from Hawaii for more than two weeks,” she corrected, flipping my shirts to the bed. “Besides, that’s one of those things you can never have too much of. Kinda like toilet paper.”
“I suppose,” I sighed.
“Now, tell me what you were thinking about.”
“Just... stuff,” I nebulously replied. “Why?”
“Because when you look distraught, I like to know why.”
“There’s no reason. I’m just stressed about the next few weeks,” I admitted, trying to avoid the real subject of my distress.
“Babe, I swear, SNL is probably one of the funnest things you’ll ever do in your life.” She grinned, moving my pile of shirts to the side before starting to fold hers. “Don’t you worry about a thing.”
“Funnest isn’t a word, Cam.” Wait a minute. Hers? “And what the hell are your shirts doing in my laundry?”
“I brought a few things over the other day so I’ll have some stuff when I sleep here.”
“So... you’re planning on making that a habit?”
“Justin!” she giggled, letting one of her little bras fall on top of my head.
“I’m kidding,” I smiled.
“Yeah, you better be,” she laughed.
Our playful moment was suddenly interrupted by my cell phone’s ringtone of Snoops’ "Beautiful" filling the room, and I knew that it was Devin calling. My utter surprise that she was calling told me to go pick up the phone, but my fucked up ego told me to leave her ass hanging.
“Are you gonna get that, or should I?” Cameron asked, watching it vibrate and blink against my dresser.
“Don’t worry about it, I know who“.” I stopped talking when she walked across the room in spite of my request. “Don’t answer it,” I instructed.
Staring at the small screen on the front of my phone, she asked, “Who is... ‘3D’?”
“Nobody,” I denied, hopping up to stop her from answering it.
“Get away,” she laughed, retrieving it from the dresser. “Who is it?”
“It’s no one,” I maintained.
“Get away!” she shouted, expecting me to immaturely chase after her or some shit.
“Cameron, you’re gonna wake up Jailyn,” I solemnly scolded her. “Just gimme the phone, please?”
Obstinate as ever, she did the exact opposite and opened my phone to answer it. “Justin’s phone, who’s calling?” In the silence, I could recognize the sound of Devin’s voice requesting to talk to me. With a frown crossing her face, and a roll of her aqua eyes, Cameron threw me the phone on her way out the door.
“Hello?” I answered nervously.
“Hey, how you doin’?” She sounded relatively... happy.
“Not bad,” I shrugged. “You?”
“Pretty damn good. And a little bored,” she chuckled.
“Where are you?”
“I’m in LA,” she confirmed. “I mean, bored with no job. Christina and I have gone our separate ways...”
“What? Why?”
“Just ‘cause. We’re still cool and everything, but we figured some new people should get an opportunity.”
“Oh...” I slowly nodded. “Well, you know, Marty’s holding auditions for my European tour next week.”
“I do know. That’s why I’m calling.” Her tone told me that she was smiling, which, in turn, made me smile. “Guess what.”
“What?”
“Guess.”
“Umm,” I pretended to think for a few seconds, “You didn’t have to audition and you already got the job?”
“I wish,” she scoffed. “No.”
“You... opened up your mailbox today and found out that you just might be a winner?”
She let out a hearty chuckle but also gave me a definitive “No.”
“Cameron pressed charges and now you’re going to jail for breaking her nose?”
“That wasn’t even funny, dude.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“I’m moving to LA,” she shouted loudly.
“Shut up,” I grinned. “Are you serious?”
“I just got back from signing the lease,” she confirmed excitedly. “We’ve been looking for something for the past three days and just when I was ready to head back to the hotel today, my mom spotted this place that’s like ten minutes from your place.”
“So you’re moving to the Hills?”
“Yep. My mama said ‘Hey’, by the way.”
“Tell Deborah I said, ‘What’s up’,” I happily instructed. “How’s she doin’?”
“She’s good, man. She’s just all sad now ‘cause this means I’m really leaving home.”
“They always talk about wanting you gone but when you leave, they want you to come back,” I laughed, realizing that’s just how my mom was. Not that I was home long enough for her to want me gone, but you know what I mean.
“Parents are freakin’ bipolar sometimes,” she agreed. “But anyway... I just thought I should let you know...”
“Well that’s awesome, dude. I can’t wait ‘til I get to come and raid your refrigerator every morning.”
“Nah, ain’t gonna be none of that. ‘Cause I’m locking all locks and retaining all keys from your possession.”
“Yeah right.”
“Unless, of course, you wanna help me move in next weekend?” she asked innocently. “Pleeeease.”
“Damn girl, you caught me at the worst time.”
“No,” she whined.
“Yes. I have to be in New York next weekend, and I’d reschedule it in a heartbeat if I could.”
“Then do it!”
“I can’t, baby. It’s Saturday Night Live.”
“Oh,” she sadly seemed to understand. “Well, that’s pretty cool then.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, no, that’s fine,” she contested. “Hey, maybe I can postpone my move-in date and meet you in New York to check you out.”
“Actually, umm, Cameron’s coming, so...”
“Oh. Right, of course.”
“I was actually getting ready to pack when you called.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“No, I was just “ I was... nevermind,” I sighed. “But I’ll be back in town around the end of October if you wanna wait ‘til then.”
“That’s okay,” she quickly declined. “I can’t really wait that long.”
“Oh.”
“I didn’t mean to bother y’all, though. Let me get back to my mom “ we’ve got lots to do.”
“I wish I could help you out,” I said again, very honestly.
“No, it’s fine. Hey, if I don’t talk to you, kick ass on SNL for me, okay?”
“I can do that.”
“Good.”
“Hey,” I stopped her before she could hang up. “I have a show in Memphis on the nineteenth that I’d love to see you at if you can make it.”
“Is Cameron gonna be there?”
“Probably,” I shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Then, I don’t think so. Bye, J.”
Before I could respond, my phone very obviously turned off when she hung up; regardless, bringing the phone from my ear, I said, “Bye, Dev.” With a dejected yawn, I traced back to my bed, wishing that that Sunday’s 5:00PM could magically turn to midnight so that I could wither into slumber for the rest of the night. Days just didn’t seem worth it sometimes.
“What did that bitch want?” Cameron asked from the doorway, knocking me out of the silence I was enjoying.
“Grow up,” I muttered, keeping my head in the opposed direction.
“Come on, dude.” The bed shifted when she took an unsought spot on it, then began to run her fingers gently along my back. “I was kidding.”
“You were not,” I quipped, shrugging her touch off of me.
“What crawled up your ass and died?”
“I’m just sick of your fucking attitude to“ Actually, nevermind.”
“If you have something to say, you can say it, dude. You’re not gonna hurt me.”
“Fuck it,” I rolled my eyes, knowing she couldn’t see them. “It doesn’t matter.”
“You are so schizo sometimes,” she went on to say. “Damn, take a Valium, bitch.”
Oh, she got jokes. “That’s not even remotely funny,” I dryly stated as she laughed at her failed attempt to put me in check.
“Dude, lighten up!” She leaned down and began to nuzzle her healed nose along the side of my face, giggling at the sensation of our skin touching. “How do you always smell so amazing?”
“It’s called a shower,” I answered, totally removing myself from the bed altogether. “Why don’t you try it?”
“Okay seriously, asshole is not a good look on you,” she guffawed. She hopped off of the bed and joined me in the middle of the floor to grab my hand. “What’s wrong?”
“There is nothing wrong with me, so please refrain from asking me that anymore.” I pushed her hands away from me and headed for the bathroom.
“There’s something very obviously wrong,” she followed me, trying to rub my back. “Why won’t you talk to me?”
“Because I have nothing to say to you!”
“But why! Why won’t you just let me in a little bit, Justin? Tell me what the problem is, dude.”
“The problem is you!” I shouted without thinking. I turned around to leave the room but it ended up that I became stuck watching her eternally happy expression droop into disdain. It was the first time I’d ever watched my words create such an imminent and sudden reaction, and it forced my constant habit of wanting to satiate everyone’s needs but my own to become prevalent. “I’m sorry,” I told her softly. “I’m sorry.”
She gave me a bleak look before staring down at the wood planks of the floor. “If I’m the problem, why should you apologize?”
“You’re not the problem.” I shielded her from my ugly words by bringing her into my embrace. “I don’t know why I said that.”
“Because it’s how you feel.”
“No,” I assured her, beginning to sway with her. “I didn’t mean it, sweetheart.”
“I amuse you, but I annoy you. Don’t I?”
“No, baby, I didn’t mean it. I told you, I’m just stressed out about this week.”
“I know,” she nodded against my shoulder, “and that’s why I just wanna be there for you. I want to make it as easy and breezy as possible.”
“I know you only have good intentions. I mean, I just got frustrated with Devin and I went off on you. I’m sorry.”
“You probably shouldn’t talk to her for a while if this is the negative effect she’s gonna have on you.”
“Maybe so.” I smirked down at the top of her head and finally decided to let Cameron go, seeing that she was back to normal. She thinks I don’t notice her petty, snide remarks about Devin, but little does she know, I observe it all.
I can only imagine what a woman like Cameron, who’s supposed to be absolutely flawless, has to deal with in life. I mean, I have my bouts of frustration with knowing that I can’t live up to the fairytale image that people have of me, but I get to shed those stereotypes when I’m with those closest to me. Cameron has kept up the facade of being practically perfect in all facets of her life. For example, the way she comes off to everyone as this outgoing, lighthearted bombshell without a care in the world. I don’t think any of us, not even those that know her best, realize just how heavy her heart is.
Like right now, I’m pretty sure she knows what I’m thinking. She knows that this love affair is lacking a lot of love. But you’d never know it by the smile she walked out of the bathroom with. On the outside, everything does seem perfect; from far away, we seem like the happy couple we’re supposed to be, right? But search deeper, go take a look inside, you find some of the ugliest imperfections. I didn’t recognize it back then, but we were like two peas in a pod “ attractive to the eye to some, perhaps, but dire atrocities to the heart, damaged in ways you can’t notice until you’re too close “ until it’s too late.
For whatever reason, I decided to add salt to the wound and break the bad news to Cameron all at once. I proudly followed her back into my bedroom where she was pulling clothes “ her clothes “ out of one of my bureaus. “Devin’s moving to LA,” I stated calmly, hoping she’d follow my lead.
As I expected, she was silent for a few seconds before brushing her stringy blond flyaways behind her ear. “Hmm,” was all she said before she gently closed the drawer and sashayed out of the room. The house was relatively silent, aside from perhaps the sounds of the downstairs television, so I easily heard the patter of her footsteps down the staircase.
I walked into the hall, past Jailyn’s newly decorated bedroom (thanks to my mom and Trace while I was in Hawaii) and tried to quietly creep down the steps. “Cameron?”
“Yeah?”
I entered the kitchen to see her huddled underneath the sink, doing only God knows what to the innocent thing. “Are you all right?”
You’ve got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover telling you what to say
“I’m super,” she replied, not budging from her position. “Where’s the little bitch moving to?”
“Stop it,” I demanded.
“Okay, okay, where’s... that girl... moving?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I didn’t exactly ask, but she said it’s not far from here.”
“Figures.”
“And what does that mean?”
She crawled out from beneath the sink and finally stood to face me. “Dude, I know she’s your friend and all, but I just don’t like her.”
“I realize that,” I impugned, “but I’m not gonna give her up for you.”
“She broke my nose, Justin! Why would you wanna be friends with someone like that?”
“For the fifty-millionth-fucking time, she did not break your nose! You fucking walked into the fucking refrigerator fucking door!”
You think I’m stupid but the truth is that it’s cupid
Baby, loving you has made me this way
“Of course you’d see it that way.” Somberly, she grabbed a set of keys, which better have been hers, from the key rack by the back door and began to open my house to the autumn rain that had fallen over the Los Angeles evening. “Gimme a call when you’re ready to take my side.”
So before you point your finger, get your hand off of my trigger
“Cameron, don’t walk out of that door,” I demanded. She did it anyway. “Cameron!” I called again, watching her locate her black Toyota amongst all my elaborate cars. “Don’t get in that car, woman!”
She snatched the car key into sight and shoved it into the lock, blinking through the rain at me. “I won’t play second fiddle to her, Justin.”
You need to know the situation’s getting old
And now the more you talk, the less I can take
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s one or the other, buddy.”
I’m looking for attention, not another question
Should you stay or should you go
Well if you don’t have the answer, why you still standing here?
Grimacing from the warm raindrops seeping through my coarse curls, I turned to go back in the house. I didn’t really have an interest in dealing with her bullshit.
Just walk away
“I knew you’d take the easy way out!” she yelled after me. “You can’t run from love forever, Justin.”
“I’m not running,” I shot back, completing a 180 to face her again. “I’m just“.”
Before you start defending baby, stop all your pretending
“Scared!”
“What would I be scared of?”
I know you know I know so what’s the point in being slow?
“You’re scared that you’re actually starting to give a damn about me.” She smiled awkwardly and jumped into the driver’s seat of her car.
Let’s get this show on the road today
“Camer“,” I started to say before I was interrupted by the sound of her engine starting. Her headlights came on, highlighting the heavy fall of rain that had accompanied this hellish scene. On top of that, the drops on her windshield had distorted her face into extreme dimensions of her already exaggerated features. It was pretty... scary.
Figuring she was just gonna roll on down the driveway and complete her dramatic little exit, I motioned to get out of the rain and into the comfort of my own home, hoping to finally be at peace with just me and my sleeping daughter. It wasn’t until I heard a horrific boom that I realized that wasn’t about to happen because Cameron’s next move, dramatic as it was, was no exit.
“Cameron!” I called frantically, knowing that the sound I’d just heard was somebody’s car connecting with... something. “Cameron!” I no longer had her headlights to guide me, so I only had the moon to act as a small glimmer through the chaotic rainfall. She had yet to answer me and I was becoming terrified. “Cameron!”
“I’m okay,” I finally heard, once I got closer to where I assumed her car to be. “I’m fine.”
I rushed to where she sat, perched halfway in and out of her car “ the car that had been tragically smashed into my silver Escalade EXT. “What happened?” I asked softly, trying to help her out of the car.
“Looks like I hit your car,” she laughed. “Sorry, JT.”
“It’s fine.” I shut her door for her and led her back inside so that I could give her a once-over. “Are you hurt? Do you need to get to the hospital?”
“I’m fine. It was just a little fender-bender.”
I nodded in concern and grabbed a bottle of Jailyn’s apple juice to maybe unwind her a little bit. “Drink somethin’,” I told her. “I’ll get you something dry to wear.”
“You get something for yourself, too,” she smiled.
I gave her a warm glance and shot upstairs, peeking into Jai’s lavender and canary yellow room, making sure that she was fast asleep before I headed next door to my own bedroom. I took a deep sigh, staring out to the balcony and truly wishing I had the balls to just jump off the damn thing.
This was too much. Cameron was too much. I get it now. I get what people mean when they say I’m too much because here it is shitting me in the face. I just couldn’t handle her. For every doomed relationship, there’s always that moment where you know it’s gone just a little bit too far past what you’re willing to deal with. And anytime you’re withholding the urge to pull your hair out whenever the other person makes a move, it’s probably safe to say the shit is over. And that’s if me and Cameron ever even started to begin with.
She was fun, of course. Awesome company when I had no one else to entertain me. Always a guaranteed laugh with her. But somehow, she still bored me. She had a glow about her, but it just didn’t seem genuine. It was like she wanted to ignore her shortcomings by laughing it off, but there are some things you can’t hide, and a pitiful sense of dependency is one of those things. That unwavering longing for love was such a huge turn-off for me.
But then... I liked to laugh. Would it suddenly stop if she were gone?
Bittersweet, you’re gonna be the death of me
I don’t want you, but I need you
I love you and hate you at the very same time
Without any new clothes in tow, I trampled back down the stairs, still wet, still confused but I was on a mission and I didn’t care about trite setbacks such as that. So before I could be thrown off track, I flew into the kitchen and sat at the head of the table, adjacent to Cameron, looking at her rather caustically.
“What’s wrong with you?” she apprehensively smiled.
“I have something to say“.”
“I thought you were getting me some dry clothes,” she interrupted.
“Well, I figured it doesn’t matter because after I say what I need to say, you’re probably gonna wanna leave anyway.”
“Oh hey, did you get the message about your interview with Q Magazine?” She shot up from the table and headed to the cordless phone that was positioned on the counter beside my refrigerator. Picking up the small Post-It pad beside the base, she said, “Yeah, I wrote the message right here from your mom. They want to pick your brain over the week. And so does Rolling Stone, but you knew that already.” She brushed her wet hair behind her ear in an apparent nervous fidget and smiled at me again. “You knew that, right?”
“I knew that,” I nodded. “Listen, I“.”
“Have you called the insurance company yet? They should probably get the information on your car as soon as possible so you can get it fixed, right?”
“Cameron“.”
“You see how I keep interrupting you?” she finally admitted, after erupting into yet another one of my sentences. “It’s because I know you’re gonna say something that I’m not ready to hear. So just... don’t. Please.”
“I can’t keep this up anymore.”
“Stop! Just stop,” her eyes begged.
“I“.”
“Please.”
I wanted to pretend that the dampness on her face was still the rain falling from the sky, but it was very obviously from her downpour of tears. And I couldn’t sit there and watch her. This is what I meant when I was talking about her pitiful need for love. I got up from my table and eased through the silent halls to enter my foyer, just to get the hell away. I mean, what was I supposed to do?
Should you stay or should you go?
Well if you don’t have the answer, why you still standing here?
Just walk away
Almost a month later, I was back from my whirlwind of appearances in New York, my mini-tour, which entailed about five club shows, and spending another three weeks in the presence of Cameron, and I was in Los Angeles, preparing for the European leg of my Justified Tour. Things weren’t perfect, but when were they ever? At the very least, life didn’t suck.
“Okay guys, I think we can call it a night,” Marty announced to the stuffiness of a dance studio after four hours of dancing.
Luckily, rehearsals hadn’t been as vigorous as they were back in March and April, mainly because most of us knew the majority of the choreography. The primary reason for these rehearsals was so that the four new dancers we’d recruited could get used to working with the old dancers and for all of us to get everything blocked out on the new stage.
“What time is it?” I tiredly asked anyone in the room that was willing to answer me while walking to the front to get all my shit together.
“It’s 10:30,” one of the new dancers helpfully proclaimed.
I shot her a wink and downed half of my bottle of Fiji before cordially replying, “Thanks, Maryss.”
“You ready?” Devin inquired, meeting me at the front of the room with her bag and hoodie draped over her shoulder.
Yawning, I nodded sleepily and bid the other ten people in the room a good night before escaping its hot confines to enter Millennium’s cool, air-conditioned hallway. “I’m so fuckin’ hungry,” I commented.
“Well I don’t have shit to eat at my house, so don’t be expecting to come over.” She grinned goofily and held the door open for me so that the two of us walked side-by-side into the cool almost-November night.
“I don’t think I’d wanna eat shit anyway,” I smirked.
“Ha. Ha.” She used the remote access feature on her keys to open the doors to her newly purchased BMW X5. It was alpine white with black leather interior and trim “ pimp ass shit, I must say. As we got closer to the car, me falling further in love with it with every step, I was suddenly struck in the chest with a huge Nike duffel bag. “Put my bag in the back, funny man,” she winked with a genuine laugh before hopping in the driver’s seat.
“I didn’t agree to coming to rehearsals with you so you could boss me around,” I joked once I entered the car. “Tomorrow, you put your own bag in the car.”
“Well tomorrow, you get your damn self to the studio and have the paparazzi follow your ass.”
“You so hateful,” I smiled, turning on the CD player, which coincidentally had Britney’s new CD playing. “And why do you have this?”
“What? It’s a good album,” she defended.
“But why do you have it to even know that?”
“It leaked on the internet,” she shrugged, “so I decided to check it out.”
“So not only do you have it, but you stole it?” I playfully shook my head in disbelief. “I need to reevaluate the kind of company I’m keepin’.”
“Boy, shut up,” she smiled, making a turn onto the freeway. “And what do you wanna get to eat before I take you home?”
“Why I gotta go home?”
“‘Cause it’s damn near eleven and I’m tired, man.”
“So, let’s just pick up some free McDonald’s and chill at your place,” I suggested.
“You need to stop with that free McDonald’s lie,” she laughed. “You know they don’t just give you shit.”
“I’m serious. I got the card in my wallet.”
“There’s a card?” She began to laugh hysterically before singing to Britney’s ‘Boom Boom’. “That’s even funnier.”
“Funny and free,” I corrected. “Go to the one on Ventura and then we’ll be right by you.”
“But then I’ll have to get up and take you home. And it’s too late for all that shit, dude.”
“Then I’ll just stay with you. It ain’t like we’re not goin’ to the same place again tomorrow.”
“You are not staying in my apartment all night,” she quickly protested. “That’s just a pure disaster waiting to happen.”
“I’m harmless!” I shot back, offended. “What’s the problem?”
“Baby, you’re about as harmless as a hurricane.”
“I resent that.”
“Resent it all you want, your ass is goin’ home as soon as you get me that free food.”
I was gonna keep up my pretend hurt act a little while longer but I had to burst into laughter with that. “Just let me sleep on the couch.”
“I don’t have a couch yet.”
“Well, what’s taking you so long?”
“I can’t find one that I like enough to live with, you know?”
“Not really,” I chuckled. “Uh, I think you wanna get off here, sweetheart.”
“Where is this?” she dumbly asked, taking the exit as instructed.
“It’s where you live, dumbass.”
“Nuh uh. Seriously?”
“Girl, you need a map,” I laughed. “How long have you lived here?”
“Two weeks, bitch. Don’t be actin’ like I’m stupid or somethin’.”
“You should know where you live by now.”
“Man, I’m tired. Stop fuckin’ with me.” Eventually, she gave me a relatively sweet smile while turning into the Mickey Dee’s drive-thru. “What do you want?” she asked, pulling up behind a silver Navigator.
At that very second, my phone rang ‘Get Busy’ signaling that Cameron was calling, and like an idiot, I was quick to oblige. “Hey,” I answered shortly, clearing my throat in the process.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Not much. Just getting home from rehearsal.”
“Wow, you guys were there late tonight.”
“Yeah.”
“You want some company?”
“No, thanks,” I instantly refused. “I’m just gonna get a shower and hit the sack.”
“Are you sure?” she asked suggestively.
As we pulled up to the order menu, Devin punched me in the arm and asked again, “What do you want, J?”
I put up my wait-a-minute finger, engrossed in conversation with Cameron. “Yeah, that’s okay.”
“Who was that?” she snapped solemnly.
“What?”
“Who was that that was just talking? And don’t lie.”
“It was Devin,” I coughed. “Why?”
“What’s she doing with you?”
“We’re in rehearsals together, Cameron. She’s gonna be around me.”
“But if rehearsals are over, why is she around you now?”
“What do you want?” Devin demanded, a little louder this time.
“Hold on,” I told her. “Cameron, can we have this discussion some other time?” Like never?
“No, I’d really like to know the answer now. I mean, if she has her own house, her own car now, why the hell does she need you?”
“She doesn’t need me. We’re together because we’re friends.”
“Justin, I’m not gonna ask you again,” Devin shouted.
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
“Get me a number one,” I finally managed to decide. “Cam, I gotta go.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I do.”
“Justin, don’t you dare hang up on me.”
“I’m not hanging up on you. I’m saying goodbye,” I explained laconically. “Goodbye.” I slammed my phone shut, tempted to throw the shit out of the window and meekly smiled at Devin. “Sorry.”
“Yes, I’m sure you are,” she facetiously replied. “I got you a number eight with orange juice. I hope that’s okay.”
“You’re lucky I’m too hungry to even care what the hell that is.”
“Whatever. Where’s your stupid little card thing?”
“In my wallet,” I stated obviously.
“Well?”
“Well, what?”
“Can I have it?”
“Dude, that’s all the way in the back of the car.”
“You’re such an annoying fucker,” she shoved me harshly and grabbed her purse from the seat behind me. “I really hate you sometimes.”
“What did I do?”
“You just “ you’re just you.”
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
About twenty minutes later, Devin and I were spread out across the empty wood floor of her living room, semi-finished with our dinner and watching some random ass episode of That’s So Raven. Devin’s attitude had thankfully lightened up and we were back to laughing again. Somewhat.
“You got anymore ketchup in that bag?” I requested.
She threw a packet at my chest and went back to picking through her fries. “Are you glad that I’m coming on tour with you?”
“Of course,” I responded honestly before taking the last bite of my fish sandwich. “You’re the most exciting thing about this tour.”
“Aren’t you sweet.”
“I mean, I know you were there over the summer, but I only saw you like once or twice a week. So yeah, this is gonna be cool.”
She nodded and looked out towards her large living room windows as she chewed. “Is Cameron going?”
“She might show up,” I shrugged. “But she’s not gonna kick it off with us.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Justin. If she’s gonna be there, I deserve to know.”
“I don’t know what she’s gonna do!” I yelled in frustration. “My guess is as good as yours.”
Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You’d believe in superstitions
Then maybe you’d see the signs
“You are so fucking blind sometimes,” she suddenly professed. She gathered the remnants of her finished meal and headed for the kitchen with it. “What’s with you, man?”
“What do you mean?”
“‘What do you mean? What are you talking about?’,” she mocked me. “That’s your answer to everything! A question with a question, play dumb some more. You are so... frustrating!”
“But what did I do?” I followed her lead and brought my garbage to the kitchen and then sat back down in the one chair that she currently had in the room.
“You just “ you’re you,” she said for the second time that night.
“I don’t know what that means, Devin.”
“I know you don’t. And that’s the biggest fucking problem.”
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
But I ain’t the Lord, no I’m just a fool
And that loving somebody don’t make them love you
“Come here,” I requested, holding my arm out to her.
She looked at me blankly and then rolled her eyes. “For what?”
“Just come here. Come talk to me.”
“I don’t have anything else to say, man. Just let me go to bed.”
“Apparently you have a lot to say,” I simpered. “Just come here for a minute.”
Finally relenting, she walked to where I sat and straddled my lap, her knees positioned on either side of me in the recliner. She made a face, looking down at me and tilted her head to stare further into my eyes than she already had been. “What are we doing, Justin?”
“I honestly don’t know. Yet. But I swear, I’m gonna figure it all out.”
“I don’t mind waiting,” she started to say. “I’ll wait for you if you give me reason to believe I’m waiting for something. But don’t set me up for nothin’, man.”
“I’m not,” I assured her.
“‘Cause I’ve had more than enough of the Cameron Diazes and the Michaela Woodses. If you don’t want me, that’s just fine with me, but don’t drag me into anymore bullshit.”
I sing your songs, I dance a dance
I gave your friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn’t worth never having you
“Dude, Mikey’s gone.” Unfortunately. “And Cameron is nothing but a publicity stunt going horribly wrong,” I chuckled. “It’s just you and me now, girl.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am.”
“No, you can’t be. You can’t possibly expect for me to believe that you think you and Cameron are still in this for publicity.”
“What other reason would there be?” I questioned.
“Publicity stunts don’t last six fucking months, Justin! You like her! That’s the reason.”
“Dev, don’t insult me that way.”
“No. Don’t you insult me that way! How dare you sit here, lying through your teeth, saying she’s a publicity stunt. Give me a break, J.”
“Well I certainly don’t ‘like’ the ho.”
“You’re such a pussy it isn’t even funny,” she laughed, trying to move off of me.
Aw, maybe you’ve been through this before
But it’s my first time so please ignore
The next few lines ‘cause they’re directed at you
I held her waist, not permitting her to move anywhere. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Why can’t you admit that you like her?”
“Because I don’t.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
Suddenly, like in some fucked up kind of slow motion, I saw her hand come towards my face and I felt the slap she was about to give me before it even arrived. But nonetheless, I sat there watching her, shocked that she had the audacity to seriously fucking hit me. “Admit it, Justin.”
“Get the fuck off of me,” I angrily snapped, attempting to push her away.
“No, not until you say it.” Then she hit me again, catching me off guard by using her other hand. “Say it, Justin.”
“No. Get off of me.”
“Say it, bitch.” She hit me again, a little harder this time. “Say it.” And again. “Stop being a pussy ass bitch and say it, Justin. Say, ‘I like Cameron!’” This time when she hit me, it was both of her hands almost simultaneously. “SAY IT!”
“Fuck you,” I spat.
“Be a fucking man and say it! Say, ‘I like Cameron’ or I swear to God, I will fuck you up, right here and now and then take pictures to send to the tabloids. Man up and fucking say it!” Her breathing was heavy from all of her hard hits and her usual baby blue stare, filled with raging tears, was cold, screaming anger back at me. “Say it, Justin!”
“I like Cameron,” I mumbled, defeated by physical pain.
“Louder.”
“I like Cameron,” I repeated, almost identically. “Now get the fuck off of me.”
“Justin, this is the only time I’m gonna say this. Stop. Fucking. With me.” She got up from my lap and wiped the lack of anything that was on her face besides anger. “I’m not here for you to play with. I can be your friend, I can be your girlfriend, or I can be absolutely nothing to you if that’s what you want. Pick something. But stop fucking with me.”
“I’m not fu“.”
“Don’t say shit,” she demanded, interrupting me. “I refuse to cry over you, Justin.” Ironically, she made that statement as she was wiping more tears from her eyes. “So stop fucking with me.”
I keep playing your part, but it’s not my scene
Won’t this plot not twist, I’ve had enough mystery
Keep building me up, but keep shooting me down
But I’m already down, just wait a minute
She left all in that same breath, but her presence very much still lingered on. And as much as I hated her at that moment, I wanted so badly to burst through the bedroom door she’d just slammed and beg her back. Maybe to yell in her face and slap her ass around a few times, but still, I wanted her back. And I don’t care what I just told her “ I don’t fucking like Cameron.
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool
The next day didn’t seem to end fast enough. The hour I spent in rehearsal was pure torture, being that every single time Devin and I danced together, I wanted to shove her bitch ass through the mirror in front of us. But I still managed to smile whenever she’d say my name, or at the very instant our bodies came into contact with one another. I don’t know what it was she was doing to me, but it made me wanna fix myself for her. It was like she literally knocked some sense into me.
And then, there were the dreaded plans I had for after rehearsal. I’d told Cameron to be at my house when I got home because I couldn’t prolong the inevitable anymore. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t fair to her to keep acting like I was actually enjoying this shit. So finally, I did what should’ve been done a long time ago.
“Cameron, I “ umm “ I think we should talk,” I announced, coming back down from my afternoon shower. I graciously led her to the quiet of my wood and white living room and sat her on one of my two beige couches. “And when I say that, I mean that I need to talk and you need to listen.”
“Whatever you need,” she answered softly, probably noticing my apprehension with all of this.
“Actually, the truth is that I don’t really know exactly how to say this, ‘cause I’ve never really been good at this kind of thing.”
“What kind of thing?”
“I...”
“Talk to me, Justin.”
“See, you’re not listening. You’re talking,” I scolded. “Listen.”
“Listen to what? What you’re too much of a baby to say out loud?”
“What?”
“Don’t be a punk, dude. You’ve had plenty of experience dumping girls. I’m sure you’ve mastered the art of breaking a heart by now.”
“Cameron...”
“There’s more to life than big tits and even bigger asses,” she scowled. “Her nice figure isn’t gonna love you, Justin. Not the way I could.”
“What are you talking about?” There I go again. Damn, apparently Devin was right about everything she said.
“I have my moments, but I’m not stupid. Don’t“.”
“I know you’re not stu“,” I tried to interrupt defensively.
“Don’t treat me like an idiot,” she finished. “I know you’re dumping me for her.”
I sighed and stared out to the desolate gray afternoon. “I’m sorry.”
“What does she have that I don’t? Is it because you think she can take care of you? Because if you just give me a chance, I would give you the world.” A tear ran down her flushed face, the brilliance of her eyes slowly dying with every passing second. “And you know that. Why her?”
“Because... she doesn’t need me.”
“Yeah, instead, it’s you that needs her. You’re a baby,” she quipped, standing up. She began to chuckle lowly and shook her head. “I should have known better.”
“I really am sorry.”
“What’s it like to go crawling on your hands and knees to someone that doesn’t even want you?”
“I think you’d know how to answer that better than me,” I spewed angrily.
“Oh, you’re quick with the potshots,” she laughed, rather maliciously, I must say. “Dude, don’t you know I would’ve loved you... forever,” she finally said quietly, sitting back down on the sofa across from me. “If you would’ve just let me.”
“I’m sorry.” It was all I could say.
“How do you do this to someone?” She looked at me for an answer but all I did was shrug lamely. “Can I still see you?”
“I can’t,” I replied sullenly. “If I see you, I’d never leave you alone. I owe it to her for her to be the only woman in my life.”
“That’s not fair to you.”
“It is if that’s what I want.”
“I can’t leave you alone, Justin.”
“I won’t be alone.”
“Well then, don’t leave me alone.” She started to sob and I had to resist the urge not to console her. And I couldn’t. I’ve never been able to watch a woman cry without reaching out to soothe her. So I rose from my side of the room to give her a hug at the very least. “No,” she protested, holding her hands out as I approached her. “Don’t.”
I stood where I was, looking down at what a ‘don’t’ could’ve referred to. “Don’t what?”
“Just don’t.” She stood again, rising to her full 5'9 stance, tall and proud. “I’m not your burden to bear,” she added, finding her purse on the kitchen counter as she headed for the back door. With a smile on her face, seeming to have erased all traces of tears and sorrow, she dropped the keys to my house on the counter before blowing me a kiss, showing me that I’d been right about her and her facades all along. “I’m already gone, dude.”
As soon as the door shut, I felt that pang of guilt, sorrow and questioning, wrapped up in one confusing ball of fucked up. Obviously, it was the right thing to do. I mean, I didn’t like her enough to keep her around, so the only logical solution was to stop fucking with her... right?
Bittersweet, you’re gonna be the death of me
I don’t want you, but I need you
I love you and hate you at the very same time
Lyrics:
“Walk Away” - Kelly Clarkson (Breakaway)
“Bittersweet” - Kanye West feat. John Mayer (Graduation)
“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing” - Jack Johnson (Between Dreams)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
