“Gorgeous baby,” Devin commented from my doorway, startling me when she entered my bedroom as I rifled through pictures of Jailyn from the previous week. “Whose is it?”
“What?”
“Whose gorgeous little girl are you staring down?” she grinned.
Immediately, I dropped the pictures to my night stand and turned to face her. “You know my friend, Silas?”
“Your A&R guy, yeah. He had a baby?”
“Well, his wife did,” I lied, chuckling. “She’s the cutest thing ever.”
Devin strutted towards the end table I’d placed the shots on to look down at my gorgeous little girl. “She really is,” she marveled. “Is his wife white? She looks biracial.”
“Umm. Sure.”
“Do you not know her?” she smiled, looking back to me.
Well, she doesn’t exist. “No, his wife is white.”
“God, that is a beautiful baby,” she repeated. “What’s her name?”
“Jailyn,” I said simply. “She’ll be two months at the end of the month.”
She took a hefty plop onto my king-sized bed, kicking off her Shox as she crossed her long legs. “Are you her godfather or somethin’?”
More like her father. “Nah, I just love her,” I stated genuinely.
“You’re gonna be an amazing dad someday,” she grinned. “I can see it already.”
I’m trying. “I appreciate that.”
“So anyway,” she sighed, “thanks for lettin’ me use your car. I left the keys on the kitchen counter.”
“Thanks,” I answered, still blankly staring at Jailyn’s pictures.
“I kinda didn’t fill up the tank, though...”
“That’s gonna cost you.”
“Dude, if I had money, I would’ve gotten the damn gas,” she chuckled.
With a playful wiggle of my eyebrows, I told her, “I didn’t say it would cost you money.”
“Well, that’s all I’d give you, baby. I ain’t even tryin’ to repeat what happened to us last summer.”
“Which was your fault, by the way.”
“I’m fully aware of that,” she admitted. “And I’m still sorry for it“.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“So anyway,” she said again, cumbrously switching subjects, “what time do your rehearsals start?”
“I gotta go in at 1:00. You?”
“We start at 1:00, too. But Christina is always late, so that means we usually have a two hour window to be there on time.”
I laughed knowingly “ Christina’s been on diva time since we were kids. “So what are you doin’ until then?”
“Hangin’ out here, if you don’t mind. I told my friend, Telisha, to pick me up at 2:00.”
“Girl, you need a car.”
“No shit,” she scoffed. “I need a place to stay, too. The Hyatt ain’t cheap.”
“You know you always have a place here.”
“No, no, no. I’m fine for now. After the tour, my parents suggested me looking for a place out here, so that’s what I’m gonna do. ‘Til then, my paycheck is fine with my hotel room.”
“You too good to stay with me now?” I chided, staring into her smiling eyes. “I’m not fun enough for you?”
“Shut up. I just don’t wanna impose on the bachelorhood of you and Trace. I’d be fuckin’ with your pimp mode.”
“That is true,” I laughed.
Laughing and staring back at me in the same manner, she noticed, “It’s incredible how dorky and cute you can be at the same damn time.”
“Nah, I’m just kidding. My pimp status is pretty nonexistent these days.”
“Oh right, I forgot you suddenly became a one-woman man for Michaela.” She uncrossed her legs and let them dangle off the side of my bed. “How’s she doing?”
“She’s good,” I nodded. “And I’m not a one-woman man. I just... I dunno.”
“You just don’t have sex with anyone but her.”
“To be perfectly honest, I haven’t had sex with her yet.”
“You have another virgin on your hands?”
“No, not at all.”
“Is she sick?” she questioned, wrinkling her nose in confusion. “Are you sick?”
“No,” I laughed.
“Well what the hell are y’all waiting for?”
“We just have a relationship that goes beyond a meaningless one night stand. I don’t need sex to be satisfied with her company.”
“I see,” she said quietly.
Is she the reason you don’t call like you used to?
Fall through my hood like you used to?
Or put it on me hard like you used to do?
“I can’t wait ‘til she gets out of school,” I went on to say, not really thinking before my words came stumbling out of my mouth. “It feels like I haven’t seen her in forever.”
“Are y’all like ‘official’ or whatever?”
“Nah, nothin’ like that. If I knew she could handle it, I think I’d be willing to take it there, though.”
“Wow...”
I looked at Devin’s despondent expression “ lowered head and eyes “ and asked, “Wow, what?”
“I just didn’t think you would ever get to that point,” she chuckled uneasily, playing with loose thread on my wrinkled navy blue sheets. “It’s weird to hear you talk like this.”
“Oh, sorry...”
“No, it’s okay,” she quickly countered. “Just... weird.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Last time you felt like this was probably when you were with Britney, huh?”
Shaking my head, I lightly knocked her foot with my own. “You’d be surprised.”
“Trust me, I already am.”
We continued to grin stupidly at one another until the vibration of my cell phone against my dresser interrupted us. “Excuse me,” I requested before leaping over my bed to the other side of my huge room to catch the call in time. “Hello?”
“Justin, how are you today?” my manager greeted pleasantly.
“I’m pretty good, Johnny.” I smiled, glancing behind me to where Devin was wiping her face. “What’s up?”
“I have a proposition for you...”
“Uh oh.”
“It’s nothing bad.”
“So you say,” I chuckled. “But okay, what is it?”
“What do you think about Cameron Diaz?”
“She’s hot,” I answered without even thinking about it. “Why?”
“I have a message from her publicist asking if you’d wanna hang out with her for a few weeks.”
“She wants to hang out with me?” I laughed. “Now that’s funny.”
“You up for it?”
“What do I have to do?”
“Whatever you wanna do. Just... be seen together.”
I sighed heavily and rolled my neck a few times before noticing that Devin had started to thumb through the entire bundle of pictures that had been sitting on my night stand, thereby becoming totally distracted. “Umm. Sure, man. Whatever.”
“All right. I know you have that photo shoot with Christina before the awards on Saturday, but do you think you could hang out with her after the show?”
“Hang out with Christina?”
“Diaz,” he corrected me. “She’s gonna be there.”
“Oh.”
“So I can confirm this?”
“Wait, what show?” I was so confused.
“The Kids Choice Awards, Justin. You do know you’re performing, don’t you?”
“Oh, right. Yeah.”
“Okay, so I’m sure her people will be expecting a headline after that. Do what you do best.”
“I got you,” I nodded.
“I hope so.”
Laughing, I told him goodbye and hung up the phone, noticing that noon had already snuck up on me. “So hey,” I said to Devin, inwardly begging for her to put the pictures down before she got the... picture, so to speak, “you wanna grab some lunch and then head to Center Staging?”
“No, you can go on. Like I said, I got someone comin’.”
“Well, you can save Telisha a ride and roll with me.”
“But then I’d be there two hours early,” she maintained. “It’s really okay.”
“You can watch my rehearsals then. “ Since you won’t get to see the show until June.”
“I wish I had time to come to England and see you, but I’m in rehearsal for all of May.”
“No, I know,” I dismissed. “Plus, Mikey’s comin’ out, so it’s probably for the best.”
“Oh, of course she is,” she said loudly, dropping the pictures back to their original spot.
Is she the reason that my calls couldn’t reach you?
The deepest of my love couldn’t please you?
Or bring it to me home like you used to do?
“You okay?” I decided to question, feeling a tension wash over us in the past half a minute.
“Yeah, man. I’m fine.”
“Really? ‘Cause whenever Mikey’s name is mentioned, you seem to get weird.”
She sighed and swept her hands over her manila face. “I’m fine,” she reiterated, picking up her shoes from the wooden floor. “Let’s just go, okay?” Before I could respond, she flew out of the room as fast as her long legs would carry her. And I could be wrong, but I would’ve bet that I heard her sniffle as she headed down the stairs. I know I don’t know much when it comes to Devin’s emotional highs and lows, but I knew that she was anything but fine.
Me seein’ her fallin’ for your charm got me feelin’ like I wasn’t good enough
Well, Saturday quickly approached and as nerve-racking as it was, I was en route to hanging out with Cameron Diaz. As planned, we connected backstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards and we decided to afterwards chill at Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles and talk a little bit. I couldn’t figure out what a woman like that would want with my 22-year-old ass, being that she had to be in her thirties by now, but I wasn’t gonna fight it. Shit, it was Cameron Diaz.
I walked into Roscoe’s, trying to hide my usual cocky exterior because I knew that it wouldn’t faze someone like Cameron. So I played it cool. Spotting her teal newsboy cap that had been perched awkwardly over her long blonde locks all evening, I headed in the direction of the booth she’d chosen, startling her by whizzing past her before sitting down.
“Hey!” she smiled animatedly, playing with empty straw paper.
“Good to see you again,” I smiled, taking a seat.
“You got rid of your bubble wrap,” she commented.
“What?” I asked in confusion. “Oh, you mean my vest.”
“Yeah, that was a good look for you.”
“Well, I just needed it to stay warm inside. I’m good now,” I nodded.
“Oh yes, because God forbid you get cold in April in LA,” she guffawed. “Where are you from again?”
“Tennessee.”
“And that’s...”
“Kinda mid-south; next to North Carolina, underneath Kentucky...”
“Not ringin’ any bells,” she laughed loudly. “You’ll have to take me there sometime. I’m a Cali girl, born and raised.”
“Are you from Los Angeles?”
“San Diego, baby!” She raised her arms in a victorious position as if her city had recently won something, smiling to match her tone. “But then, I think the entire state is just amazing. There’s nothing in the world like driving California from top to bottom.”
“You’ve done that?” I marveled.
“Many times,” she beamed. “It’s the most amazing trip.”
Not really caring one way or another anymore, I absently stated, “Sounds like fun.”
“Really? We should arrange it sometime.”
Uhh... “Yeah.”
“So anyway, tell me about Tennessee. The only part of the South I’ve been to is Miami and that’s hardly Southern.”
“You wanna hear about Memphis?”
“Is that where you’re from?” I nodded emphatically, while she took a sip from her cup of what looked like Coke. “Then yes, tell me about Memphis.”
Tell me how many times in your life
Will you get an opportunity like this tonight
Tell me a little somethin’ ‘bout you
Here’s a little somethin’ ‘bout me
An hour and a half later, I heard more than I wanted to hear about San Diego, surfing and sunblock. And to be honest, the whole beach bum persona had never struck me as very enticing, but I must say that Cameron managed to make it interesting. Interesting enough, anyway.
“I dunno,” she announced, interrupting my thoughts, “I think we got somethin’ here.”
“Who? Us?”
“Yeah. I’m kinda liking you right now.”
“Damn, I was hoping this was the end of our publicity stunt.”
“JT, we’re just getting started,” she laughed.
Now that you’re sitting next to me
I bet you’re wondering what my intentions are for you and I to get into
“Is that a fact?”
“It can be. You wanna hang out next weekend? I can take you down to Diego and give you a lesson.” Her intensely light blue stare twinkled in the dim of the restaurant, urging me to take her up on her offer.
Look into my eyes, baby don’t be shy
Is it yes or no, we ain’t got all night
“A surf lesson, huh?” I picked through the remnants of my chicken that was now covered in syrup from my eaten waffle. “Okay, sure.”
Can I get your number baby, so you and I can go get in it
Let me come and pick you up and go take you out
Can I get your number baby, so I can show you what I’m all about
Still fiddling with that damn straw paper, she grinned her wide grin and divulged, “I knew you’d say Yes.”
“How’d you know?” I smiled.
“‘Cause, how could you say No to me?”
“It’s not just you. I have a hard time saying No to anyone.”
She leaned in towards me, resting her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand. Flirtatiously beaming, she wiped my nose with her index finger, holding my stare with her captivating orbs. “That sounds promising.”
Oh, damn
A tiring day of torturous rehearsals had finally ended and my sore muscles were screaming for redemption. As I slowly treaded across my driveway and through the back door, I was filled with immense relief with the thought of spreading across my bed and not moving for the rest of the night.
I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to go surfing with Cameron again if I couldn’t move. Our first adventure in the sea went off pretty damn well, though I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Fortunately, she taught me well. So if I could move by tomorrow, the second time just might go even better.
I walked slowly in my house, met by the daunting scowl of my mom at my kitchen table. But typical me decided to ignore her disdain and as I headed straight for the refrigerator, I sighed, “Hey, ma.”
“How long were you planning on keeping it from me, Justin?”
I turned around quickly, terrified that she was talking about what I thought she was talking about. “What?”
“Justin, apparently your daughter, Jailyn, has an ear infection. Summer has taken her to the hospital and everything’s okay, but she thought you should know.”
“Mom“.”
“Do you not trust me?”
“Of course I do,” I inserted enthusiastically.
“Do I not share everything with you? Justin, have I not given you my heart and soul for twenty-two years?”
As I inched closer to her, I noticed the disappointment in her puffy, red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. I realized that I’d done exactly what I’d tried to avoid. I’d broken my mother’s heart. “Mom, I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, baby?” she asked softly.
“I didn’t know how,” I croaked out.
“What was there not to know? Since when can’t you talk to me?”
“Since... I don’t know. I was scared of how disappointed you’d be.”
“I know you make mistakes, baby. I would’ve been there for you,” she whispered, shaking her head. “My only disappointment is that you couldn’t talk to me.”
“I didn’t know how to say that I’d royally fucked up in a way that your hug couldn’t fix. I didn’t wanna keep it from you, but I didn’t have the balls to come to you and deliberately break your heart with my mess.”
“You know me better than that, Justin.” Her light blue stare was dark and dissonant, as was her usually airy, Southern voice. My deception had quickly turned her into someone I didn’t even know. “I’d never make you handle something like this on your own.”
“I did it, though,” I interrupted.
“And I’m proud of you for that. But it hurts.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again. I walked to where she sat at the table and quickly kneeled so that we were face to face and I gave her a hug, burying my tear-soaked face into her neck. “I’m so sorry, mom.” We rocked back and forth and holding on tightly, despite not necessarily being able to breathe between my sniffles and her hair in my face. “I’m so sorry.”
“I love you, Justin.” She squeezed my neck, her own tears dampening the back of my already sweat-stained t-shirt. “You can’t shut me out of your life just because you think you’re growing up.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I didn’t want to.”
“Don’t.”
“I didn’t just keep it from you, though. It was months before I even told anyone.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised that you told Trace first, but I“.”
“Trace doesn’t know,” I proclaimed. “I told Michaela...”
In that instant, she pulled out of our hug and gave me a slightly jaw-dropped gaze. “Oh...”
“She was just... there. And “.”
“You don’t have to explain your reasons. I’m just “ I’m glad you had someone to go to.” I nodded and got off of the floor to sit in the open wooden chair across from her. “So, I have a granddaughter.” My mom smiled and a slight glimmer seemed to have reentered her unhappy eyes. “When do I get to meet her?”
“As soon as she’s better,” I somberly answered when my heart dropped from the thought of my baby suffering through that ear infection. “Did you talk to Summer?”
“No, she left the message on your cell. I was cleaning out your inexcusably full mailbox.”
I winced ‘cause I know I don’t empty my voicemail as often as I should. “Oh.”
She wiped her dry face and rubbed her hands against her jeans before hopping up to begin bustling around the kitchen. “You really ought to keep your kitchen clean if you’re gonna have a baby around here. Kitchen germs spread quickly.”
“Mom,” I started to whine.
“Don’t ‘Mom’ me.”
The thump of footsteps on the staircase startled me out of answering my mother, but I turned towards the kitchen entrance to wait for the culprit to enter the room. “I didn’t know Trace was home,” I commented, inaccurately assuming that it was him.
“He’s not,” Devin announced, bouncing into the kitchen. “He left the house with some little chick named Elisha,” she added. “Good evening, Miss Lynn.”
“Hey, sweetie. I didn’t know you were here.”
“Yeah, I stopped by to catch a nap since there were like four people crashing in my hotel room during our lunch break. And Justin, I wanted to bring you a gift for when you go out on tour,” she said to me.
“Oh, thanks.”
“How are you, Miss Lynn?” She pranced to the sink where my mom was washing dishes to give her a side hug. “I haven’t seen you since Easter.”
“I know,” she smiled. “I’ve been wonderful, though. And I see you’re doing well.”
“Can I help you with those?”
“No, baby, you’re a guest. I’ll be done in a second and get out of y’all’s way.”
“Don’t rush for me,” she chuckled.
“Mom, what’s for dinner?” I interrupted, suddenly realizing that I was hungry as hell.
“Whatever you find in your refrigerator, I suppose.”
“That’s cold,” I tiredly laughed, rubbing my sore stomach. “I can’t even get a sandwich?”
“Justin, you should be makin’ me dinner after what you just did,” she replied, throwing the last glass into the drainer. “If you’re hungry, find somethin’ to eat.”
“I can cook somethin’ if y’all want,” Devin suggested.
“No,” Mama quickly protested, “you don’t have to do that.”
“Please,” I begged.
“No, I love to cook,” she countered. “I can run to the store and pick up some stuff for braciole.”
I didn’t know what the hell that was, but it sounded perfect. “Mama, please let her cook. I’m starving.”
“Stop whining,” she instructed. “Devin, if you want to, then you go right ahead, sweetheart. I’m goin’ upstairs to take myself a nap.”
“You’re a lifesaver,” I said with a smile to Devin once my mom was gone. “You have no idea how tired I am.”
“Hey, listen, I know how it is,” she assured me, easily hopping onto my high kitchen counter. “You look exhausted.”
“I am,” I yawned, slowly rising from the table to stretch. “I think I’m gonna go get a shower before dinner.”
“Hey, wait a sec,” she requested. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face her lowered head. “Can I ask you somethin’?”
“Anything.”
“How come... you couldn’t tell me?”
“I’m sorry?”
“I overheard you and your mom,” she stated seriously, letting her body trickle from the counter and slowly pace to where I stood dumfounded in the middle of the floor. “Why couldn’t you tell me?”
Looking down at her, clueless as to how to confront the situation, I simply gave my robotic response. “I wasn’t ready for anyone to know yet.”
“Yet, you could tell Michaela?” Her demanding baby blues took an even more morose form and this cloud of guilt seemed to cast itself unforgivingly over my head. “When I saw the pictures in your room that day, I knew she was yours. And it really fucked me up to hear you lie to me so easily, saying she was Silas's daughter. Still, I respected that as your secret to keep. But... you told Michaela.”
“Devin,” I started, looking towards the door that I wished I could go running through, “I don’t know what to say.”
“We’ve known each other how long now? Nine years? And you couldn’t trust me with that? You couldn’t tell me, but you could tell her?”
“She was there... And she listened. And I don’t know, I just“.”
“I’m here, Justin! I’ll listen!” she cried. “I can do more than fuck you,” she quietly added.
“I know that.”
“What do I have to do to get you to let me in? Why can’t I get that piece of you that’s just “ that’s real?”
“I didn’t know you wanted it,” I said, wiping at her flood of tears. “I didn’t think you cared.”
“Of course you didn’t. I mean, why would I care about my friend of damn near a decade? How could Devin actually care about anything but herself?” She pulled away from my touch and scratched furiously at her scalp, covered in curls. “I’m sorry,” she finally said.
“No, I’m sorry.”
“You shouldn’t feel bad for who or what you decide to let into your life. If you wanted me to know, you would’ve told me.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want you to know.”
“You just couldn’t trust me enough to tell me. I get it,” she nodded. “She gets your heart, your soul; I get your dick. I guess I can’t complain,” she chuckled sarcastically.”
“Devin“.”
“Listen, I’m gonna go get the shit for dinner. Let’s just... pretend we never had this conversation, okay?”
“I can’t“.”
“Please,” she interjected with her tear-filled eyes begging for that compromise. “Just forget I said anything.”
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“The same way you just ‘forgot’ to mention to me that you had a daughter. Lying to yourself works the same way in every situation.” She grabbed the set of keys that I’d thrown to the counter when I walked in the house and headed for the back door, checking her jeans’ pocket for her wallet before opening it. “And trust me, I know exactly how that goes.”
And how I wish you only knew what I feel inside for you
You probably haven’t got a clue
But I wish you knew how I love you baby
Once I heard the sound of my silver Escalade’s engine revving, I decided to trek it upstairs and take that aforementioned shower before dinner. When I reached my bedroom, I knew Devin had taken her nap in there because my bed had actually been made for once in the past month. And sitting on my pillow was what I assumed to be the gift she told me about, rectangular and wrapped in pink and silver paper with a small card attached to the top.
It’s ok that you didn’t tell me. But I thought you’d want to take your angel on the road with you. “ Mad love, Devin
It was a short and simple message, that I didn’t fully understand until I tore the paper off of the gift to reveal a small 4x6 silver picture frame with ‘Jailyn & Justin’ engraved at the top between two hearts.
I managed to avoid another cry fest, but I couldn’t escape the guilt that came with the way I so stupidly underestimated Devin’s abilities to be emote. I constantly belittled her persona to only be fun, brazen, and sexual, and totally devoid of sentiment. Another thing I loved about her “ she always found a way to prove me wrong.
I placed the perfectly thoughtful gift on my dresser and headed to my mom’s room where she was curled up on her queen bed, softly and lightly snoring in her slumber. I didn’t want to wake her, so I walked to the opposite side of the bed and crawled in as inconspicuously as possible.
“You could’ve taken a shower first,” she commented, startling me. “You stink.”
“Sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I wasn’t asleep,” she lied.
“Yeah, you were.”
“What’s wrong?”
“What?”
“Your voice, it’s off. What’s wrong?”
When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
“Nothing.”
“Justin.”
“I just,” I sniffled, “I accidentally hurt someone that means a lot to me.”
“Well, what did you do?”
“I didn’t give myself a chance to trust her. I didn’t “ I.... don’t really know what I did.” I rolled over in the bed so that I was on my stomach and my face turned in the opposing direction of my mother. I wiped the tear that began to drop towards the pillow, sniffling again. “I just know I was supposed to do it differently.”
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love something but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
“Devin doesn’t want anything more than what you’re willing to give her, Justin.”
“How do you know who I’m talking about?”
“Because I do.”
I smiled to myself because I knew that would be her answer. “I’d be willing to give her everything if I knew she wanted to take it.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“How can you offer her that if you don’t have it to give, Justin?”
I turned my head again, seeing my mom’s messy blonde curls facing me. “I do have it to give.”
“So you can give Devin every part of you when Jailyn has a huge piece of your heart? When more of your time has been consumed by Michaela than anyone else in the past two months? How is that possible?”
And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
“I didn’t think about it like that, I guess.”
“You should,” she whispered, repositioning into less of a curl and more of a sprawl. “You have to think about it like that before you can make idle promises.”
“So, if they’re both willing to take what little I have to give, who am I supposed to choose?”
But if you never try, you’ll never know just what you’re worth
“I can’t answer that. You know that,” she sighed, turning her head. “But if you’re in here asking me, it probably means that it’s a decision you’re not ready to make yet.”
“So what do I do?”
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Her hands instinctively touched my cheek as we stared into one another’s identical pain-filled eyes. “I don't know.”
Lyrics:
“Is She The Reason?” - Destiny’s Child (Destiny Fulfilled)
“Get Your Number” - Mariah Carey (The Emancipation of Mimi)
“I Wish You Knew” - Mariah Carey (The Emancipation of Mimi)
“Fix You” - Coldplay (X&Y)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
