9. I Never Meant To Hurt You
Well, the album came out. And as Beyonce said it would, it spoke for itself, and seemed to have a lot to say. I was pleasantly surprised by the critical acclaim as well as commercial success that it got. I was a little disappointed by not getting that number one spot, but I blame Eminem moreso than anyone else. I was just glad I didn’t have a Nick Carter kind of debut. And in the end, it certainly felt good to know that after the absurdity I had to put up with over the summer in my ‘love life’, that I actually managed to do something right, something productive with those previous five months.
That’s not to say that there weren’t bumps along the way, though, because promotion really kicked my ass. I honestly was not ready for handling all of it, and especially not alone. I mean, they told me to get ready for the questions about Britney, which I did. After all, she was gonna sell my album for me. And yeah, I had a few guilt trips about it at first, but as Devin told me way back in May, a good fight is never clean. She would get over it.
I’ve got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I’m stepping out into the great unknown
But in addition, there were the Janet questions, the Alicia Keys accusations, Jenna Dewan and Alyssa Milano, ‘where’s *NSYNC?’, ‘why are you tryin’ to be Michael Jackson?’ and any damn thing else they could think of to throw in my face and drive me totally insane. By October, I was absolutely sick of it all.
I’m not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone
And then there was the 20/20 interview. To this day, I still ask myself why I did that. It suffices to say, it didn’t do anything but get me into trouble. In fact, I was really tempted to turn off my phone for a good two or three days after that interview. But just for being stupid enough not to, I guess I deserved to get caught.
The very next morning, the day my album came out, I got a wake-up call that I certainly wasn’t expecting. Usually, I don’t answer hotel phones ‘cause it’s usually some crazy ass fan that tracked me down, but when they ring at five in the morning, it doesn’t really leave me a choice. “Hello?” I picked up groggily, rolling over in my empty bed.
There was heavy breathing and sniffling on the other end before a small, Southern voice said, “Justin?”
“Who is this?”
“You’ve forgotten me already?” the woman asked.
“I don’t even know who you are, baby.” She had five seconds to identify herself before I hung up on her ass.
“It’s Britney,” she said flatly.
I squeezed my eyes shut and then reopened them to glare at the clock that read 5:27. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Well... a few hours ago, I was sitting in my room watching you on TV. And then, I drank my night away, trying to figure out how the hell I fell in love with such an asshole.”
“Whoa,” I sat up, running my hands through my messy mass of brown, shaggy curls, and attempting to rub the sleepiness from my face. “What are you talking about?”
“I loved you, Justin. I know I did stuff wrong, but I loved you, man.”
“And I loved you, too...”
“Then why would you do that to me,” she sniffled. “Did you really have to sell me out like that?”
I’ve been held down too long
I’ve got to break free
So I can finally breathe
If I remember correctly, I didn’t say anything except that she was a good person. “What did I do, Britney?”
“‘We’re not perfect. I don’t judge anybody,’” she mocked me. “What the fuck was that, man?”
“That was me not selling you out on national television. I could’ve very easily said, ‘Yes, she cheated on me.’ But I chose not to,” I countered, “because I didn’t want to totally exploit your flaws and mistakes; because I did love you at one point.”
“Justin, you know people saw through those fake smiles. And your sarcastic ‘Sure’s.”
“Well, hey, I said what I said. People can take it the way they want.”
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
“Is nothing sacred to you, Justin? Do you not care about the fact that our life was ours?” She sniffled again and exhaled sharply into my ear. “I looked the other way when you told all of New York that you ate me out, man. I didn’t say anything when you went babbling to Us Weekly and Seventeen “ yes, I read them all, Justin. But you really hurt me today.”
“I never meant to hurt you“.”
“Yeah, you never mean to hurt anyone. But you do.”
You’re entitled to your opinion
But it’s really my decision
“Well, I’m sorry. I truly am. But what can I do about it now?”
I can’t turn back, I’m on a mission
“Nothing,” she sighed. “Nothing. I just hope you realize that you look like a jackass and a media-whore, just trying to sell an album.”
“To you, maybe.”
Don’t smother me with negativity
“No, not just to me. To the rest of the world that can actually see past a pretty face.”
“Britney“.”
“No, you’ve had your say. Just remember that karma is a bitch, man.” And then I heard the click that precedes a dial tone.
I wanted to feel bad, but I couldn’t. I had no reason to. I was on top of the damn world, and no one was about to bring me down. Not even the notion that this was all gonna come back to bite me in the ass. Maybe it would, but I couldn’t worry about bullshit like destiny and fate when I was already holding the key to the life that I wanted; the life that I’d made for myself. So I told myself to forget about it and moved right along.
Whatever’s out there for me, I’m going to face it willingly
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone
But unfortunately, as well as life was going for me at that point, it seems that even I couldn’t escape the unavoidable bad luck that comes with the thirteenth day of the month... even if it wasn’t a Friday. That second Wednesday in November, I found myself in the company of my mini-entourage “ dancers and bodyguards for the most part “ hanging out at Suede. That place was becoming a regular stop for me, being that my boy, Joey, was a permanent fixture there since he started his run in Rent.
One of the crew, Nicole, slid into the booth where I sat ignoring Jenna, who was directly next to me. Nic pulled down a newsboy cap over the bandana that covered her dark short hair and nudged me excitedly. “You wanna dance, J?”
I stared down at the closed cell phone in my hand, disregarding her stare when I said, “Not right now. I’ll let you know, though.” My mom had just called about three seconds before that and I hadn’t heard a word she’d said, so I was more distracted by that than anything else.
“Jenna, come dance with me,” she suggested, easily dismissing my rejection.
I watched as the two of them skipped their happy asses away from my table and shake them on the dance floor instead. I was tempted to join them, but I was more interested in round three of drinks. Heading to the bar with Eric on my heels, I requested a Jackhammer and managed to spot my mom enter VIP while I waited.
“Get that for me?” I told Eric, referring to my drink. I quickly shot across the fairly small area to where I figured Mama was searching for me. “Mom!” I called out, not even realizing how lame it was to be shouting for my mother in the middle of a night club.
She turned in the direction of my voice, smiling brightly as usual when her eyes met mine. It still was crazy to me the way my mom so perfectly fit in at a place where people half her age hung out. Not only that, but she looked the part with her black tank top and jeans that were typically made for twenty-somethings. “Hey, sweetie!”
“What are you doing here?”
“I told you that I wanted to hang out!” she chuckled, seeming to search behind her for something.
I happily kissed her cheek and led her to where our tables were situated. “Was that what you said when you called? I couldn’t hear a damn thing.”
“Yes, I was trying to tell you that I was on my way.” As the two of us began to get lost in the darkness of the club, she stopped in her tracks, causing me to pause with her. “Hold on just a sec, baby.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want Devin to get lost looking for me.”
“Devin came with you?” I asked. I could just feel my face lighting up. “Where is she?”
“She was outside flirting with a security guy,” she laughed hoarsely. “You know how she is.”
“Unfortunately,” I mumbled back, a twinge of jealousy hitting my stomach. “Well, she’ll call if she gets lost,” I decided, continuing to pull my mother towards our table.
Predictably, when I got back to the table that I’d been sitting at, Dev was already there with her paws sunken into my homeboy, Sky. Her long, black curls covered most of her face, as well as her outfit, but even in the darkness, I could spot the mountains that she called breasts, already talkin’ to me.
“What’s up.” I interrupted whatever canoodling they had been doing to announce my return back to my table. “Hey, Devin.”
“Justin, hey!” she smiled.
My mom unaffectedly took a seat next to Devin, waving at Sky while I stood in front of all three of them like a teacher patrolling lunchtime in the cafeteria. “I thought you were heading to Barcelona today?” I questioned her.
“Why don’t you sit down, J?”
“I’ll sit down when I’m ready to sit down,” I retorted. “I’m pretty sure you told me that you didn’t have time to hang out because you were off to Spain with Christina.”
“Justin, sit your ass down and stop being difficult,” my mom directed. “Devin is leaving in the morning but she wanted to come see you tonight.”
Well then why was she all up in Sky’s grill? “Yeah right,” I mumbled, obstinately sitting down on the very edge of the seat.
Devin separated from my dancer’s side and leaned into the table to get a view of my face. “What’s wrong, Justin?”
“Nothin’.”
“Are you sure?”
“There is nothing wrong with me,” I answered firmly, making sure that I was loud enough to be heard over the music. So what if she was so busy being Dirrty that we hadn’t seen each other since we fucked way back in July? So what if she called me maybe once a month while I was calling her two and three times a week? So she used me for a night to get her mind off of her ex. So fuckin’ what? “I’m fine.”
Eric then appeared at the table with my drink, followed closely by Nicole, Jenna and another one of my promo tour dancers, Roger.
“Looks like we need another table,” Nicole commented, seeing that her seat was now occupied.
“No, you know what? I think I’m gonna go dance,” Devin interjected, waiting for someone to move so that she could escape the small booth. “Justin, why don’t you come dance with me.”
“Can’t. Just got my drink,” I declined, holding up my glass.
“Come on,” she encouraged, standing over me once my mom allowed her from the table. “I wanna see if those moves are choreographed or if you can really work it.”
Mama winked at me and took the drink that I’d been holding. “Justin, go dance with her.”
“Thank you, Miss Lynn.” Devin smiled politely at her, grabbing my hand to pull me up from the table. “I’ll try to bring him back in one piece.”
Just the fact that after eight years, she had enough respect for my mama to still call her ‘Miss’ was what eased a little bit of my tension towards her. I still didn’t wanna dance with her... but if I were to actually be honest with myself, I really, really did.
“You finally wanna tell me what the hell is wrong with you?” She presumptuously brought me to a secluded corner of the loud room, turning around so that her ass was covering my crotch and began to move to the beat of a nameless, upbeat song.
Can you keep up, baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise, make me lose my breath
Hit me hard, make me lose my...
“There’s nothing wrong with me,” I repeated with a lot less irritation in my voice than I had before “ that was chiefly because her hips had a way of trouncing all over any current thoughts and feelings I may have at a given moment. “I just wanna know what makes you think you can pop in and out of my life whenever you want.”
“What are you talkin’ about?”
“I mean,” I said, stumbling backwards, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been workin’. Just like you, man.”
“Somehow, I haven’t managed to be too busy for you.”
She turned around with a glare to her light eyes, but still grinding against me while I stood there and let her. “Are you gonna dance, or what?” she asked, switching subjects.
“Devin...”
“Look, Justin. You and me hung out for a while over the summer. It was fun “ it was fuckin’ awesome, dude.” She turned back around, making sure to avoid my unbelievably disappointed stare. “But we hang out and we see each other when we see each other. That’s how we are... right?”
Ooh, I put it right there, made it easy for you to get to
Now you wanna act like you don’t know what to do
“How we are changed after that night, though,” I whispered to her, beginning to find a groove behind all that ass. “Didn’t it?”
“No...”
“Why not?”
“J, I told you that it was just a one night thing. It wasn’t about taking it any further than that.”
“Yeah, you also told me that I couldn’t ignore you. Why do you get to do it to me?”
Haven’t I done everything that you asked me?
Grabbed you, grind you, liked you, tried you
Moved so fast, baby now I can’t find you
“I haven’t been ignoring you,” she argued, bending over to touch the floor. Consequently, I went stumbling right into the wall with that one motion. “You okay?”
“Fine,” I panted. “Just fine.”
Ooh, I’m startin’ to believe that I’m way too much for you
“I mean, aren’t you the king of one night stands?” she continued our conversation, facing me once again. She wrapped her left leg around my waist and grinded against me as if we were back on the counter in my pool house. “Why are you actin’ like we owe each other something more?”
All that talk but it seems like you can’t come through
Now I see where believin’ you got me
“If you were just anybody, I wouldn’t give a damn. And it ain’t like I’m askin’ for a relationship with you,” I said softly into her ear, reciprocating her movements. “I just want us to stay... cool.”
“Wait a damn minute. Why don’t you want a relationship with me?”
“‘Cause it’s you,” I answered simply.
Suddenly, she dropped her leg and pulled away from me. “And what the fuck does that mean?”
“Girl, calm down“.”
“No, tell me what the hell that’s supposed to fuckin’ mean. You think you’re too good for me or some shit?”
“Devin, don’t be stupid. It’s just “ I like having fun with you. Why ruin that with a relationship?”
“No, what you mean is, ‘Why mess up a perfect fuck buddy by adding commitment to the equation?’ Right?”
Ooh, two things I don’t like when I’m tryin’ to get my groove
Is a partner that meets me only halfway and just can’t prove
“You’re startin’ to sound like Alyssa,” I told her. “You’re the asshole that doesn’t return calls.”
She stared at me meanly for about thirty seconds before she let her smile light up her face. “Damn, I was trippin’ for a minute, wasn’t I?”
“That’s what happens when you front,” I smiled back.
“And what reason do I have to front for you?” she flirted, approaching me once again with her palms flat against my chest. She hurriedly grabbed the waist of my jeans, unbuckling, unbuttoning and pulling them down in one fluid motion. I swear that girl had some magic hands.
“What the fuck are you doin’?” I shouted incredulously. “We’re in the middle of a club, girl.”
Take me out so deep where you know you can’t swim
Need a lifeguard and I need protection
To put it on me deep in the right direction
Pulling off my boxers, she sent me crashing back into the wall and smirked. “Don’t tell me you’re scared to get caught.”
“Doing what?”
“Listen, you wanted Devin Delfino, you’re gettin her.”
Ooh, you understand the facts that I’m tryin’ to give to you?
Dropping to her knees, she silently ran her hands over my bulging erection and then teasingly let her fingers trickle down my legs and then back up my thighs while I just stared down in confusion and an inimitable yearning. She moved in closer to the base of my penis, and I saw a glint of mischief in her light pupils when she looked at me before she let her tongue only slightly graze my tip.
“Don’t be a tease,” I demanded.
“Can’t stand the heat?”
You movin’ so slow like you just don’t have a clue
Not really. “No, I just “ I mean, if you’re gonna do it then do it.” I was starting to shiver from her touch and she hadn’t even done anything yet.
“Aight, let’s see if you’re ready.” After staring at me for another few seconds for intimidation purposes, she finally gave in and let her tongue fall back and forth across the head of my dick before suddenly and shockingly swallowing me completely.
Can you keep up, baby boy?
“Holy shit,” I mumbled to myself. I tried to maintain my composure as she pulled her head back, her tongue moving slowly back down over my throbbing muscle until she reached the tip again. Her lips tickled the soft skin for what seemed like an eternity of torturous pleasure before she went back and did it all again.
“How am I doing?” she paused to ask.
“Don’t stop,” I almost shouted in excitement.
Bring the noise
She leaned in and kissed my erection again, grabbing onto my hips while I continued to try and inhale some form of air. With a deep breath, she sucked me, pulling me towards her as opposed to her moving into me, proving once again, that she was unbelievable in every imaginable way. As soon as she had all of me in her mouth, she made sure that her tongue forcefully but sensitively rubbed my tip while her head seemed to be making figure eights around my dick.
Hit me hard
Then, unexpectedly, like she was tryin’ to win a damn slurpee contest, she took one enormous suck that elicited this eruption of fervor and sent me stumbling off of my own two feet. “Goddamn!” I yelled in pain. I didn’t know whether it was me gettin’ caught up in the moment or if my shit was truly fucked up, but after that, I couldn’t even stand up anymore.
Make me lose my breath
She managed to move swiftly enough to catch me just as I collapsed onto the floor next to her. Chuckling, she questioned, “You okay, baby?”
“Yeah,” I sad absently. But then, as I sat there, trying to pull up my pants, I realized that the pain was getting excruciatingly worse and it was pulsating from a place much further south than where Devin had been working.
“I hope I didn’t hurt ya,” she laughed, hopping up from the floor.
She turned, offering to help me up as well, but as I attempted to use my right foot as leverage for the rest of my body, I quickly found the source of my problem. “Shit!”
“What’s wrong?”
“Devin, you broke my fuckin’ foot!”
“What!” She jumped back in confusion, making sure she hadn’t stepped on me. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t get up!”
“That doesn’t mean that your foot is broken. Maybe you twisted your ankle.”
“I’ve twisted an ankle before. This is my foot, you jackass!”
“Okay! You don’t have to get all irate and shit.”
“Can you get my mom and then“.”
“And what the fuck do you mean ‘Devin, you broke my foot’? I didn’t do a damn thing!”
“This is your fault,” I maintained.
“I’m gonna do you a favor and pretend you didn’t just say that.”
“Well, I wasn’t suckin’ my own dick.”
“Well, I asked if you could handle it. Once again, you put yourself in a situation you weren’t ready for.”
Why you ask for some?
You ain’t really want none
“Once again? When did I do it the first time?”
“When we agreed that that one night together was just one night. You never called me at all before we had sex. But now, I’m just supposed to drop everything for you just ‘cause you got your ass pussywhipped after one fuck? Believe it or not, there’s more to this world than what Justin Timberlake wants.”
“I’m not askin’ you to drop anything,” I argued. “I just want a little attention. What’s your fucking problem?”
“Hey, I’m sure Summer just wanted a little attention, too, Justin. Alyssa might have been crazy, but she didn’t want anything more than your time. I’m sure all the other hoes you’ve loved and left wanted some attention! Shit, people in Hell want cold water. We don’t always get what we want. And I’m sure that’s a lesson you’ve yet to learn, but I’ll teach it to you if I have to.”
“Listen, could you lecture me some other time? I need a fuckin’ doctor, ambulance... somethin’ besides you runnin’ your big ass mouth. I think it’s done enough for this evening.”
She nodded, digesting my words as she began to inch out of the vicinity of our little corner. “Now usually, I wouldn’t give a shit about any insult you threw at me. But since I know you can’t do anything but crawl over to your mama, I’m gonna do just that and leave your ass by yourself.” After turning to disappear, she added, “And do me a favor: don’t call me anymore. I’m getting sick of ignoring you.”
I knew Devin was a pistol, but I never thought she’d actually take aim at me. I wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t want to know that my fears were actually true. Even though I didn’t believe her, her excuse that she was ‘busy’ when I called was enough to put my heart at ease. I was glad she spared my feelings and hadn’t told me to leave her the hell alone. I was completely content in my ignorance, because not having to hear that she didn’t want me as much as I wanted her truly gave me solace. But as much as I hated to admit it, it hurt to watch her walk away. Nonetheless, quite literally and figuratively broken, I watched her viciously strut out of sight, while I clung desperately to the breath she left.
You don’t have no business in this
Here’s your papers, baby you are dismissed
Maybe Britney was right. I think karma just kicked my ass.
Lyrics:
“Right To Be Wrong” - Joss Stone (Mind, Body & Soul)
“Lose My Breath” - Destiny’s Child (Destiny Fulfilled)
Story Tags: daddyj friendsturnedlovers interracial boyfriendj love angryj tourj
