She buckled herself in to the seat of the private jet that Johnny had chartered for she and JC to fly down to Florida in, eyes knitting in confusion as his normally smooth-moving body struggled to sit in the seat across from her, face ashen and eyes tired. The seatbelt was fumbled with for quite some time before he got aggravated and literally just tied the ends tightly together, slumping in his chair and covering his eyes with his hands and grumbling underneath his breath.
He was still in the clothes he had changed into after rehearsal late last night, the jeans pleated pleated from he sleeping in them, shirt wrinkled. Sunglasses rested on top of his head, though as quickly as she noted them, he had pulled them down and leaned his head back against the chair, she seeing his eyes closed from the open area between the glasses and his cheeks.
And his hair. She smirked at how it stood on end as if it were purposely supposed to. The smirk fell off of her face as he groaned to himself in irritation, lifting his head up and meeting her gaze. Since the day before, they hadn't spoken. After they rehearsed the last big of 'You & I', he suddenly was too busy to be bothered with her, with Aundrea's questions, Johnny's critiques. He suddenly became to busy to be himself.
He looked away when he saw her questioning gaze, she sighing deeply, loud enough for him to know it was about him and cast her gaze over to Aundrea, who was sitting in another chair with her laptop on the tray in front of her. "Hung over," she mouthed, Audrina suddenly aware of why he was wearing sunglasses and looked so disheveled when he usually made himself presentable to just go out and get a newspaper. He had himself trained for that the moment *NSYNC had to get bodyguards because paparazzi was following them everywhere. He had always been self-conscious about how skinny he was, the gap in his teeth, now he focused on what he could do and got them to talk about other things that he knew weren't true.
Like the recent rumors of why he hadn't had a girlfriend in the last year.
Because he had a boyfriend.
She cringed inwardly. She had nothing against choice, her best friend growing up was gay. But it hit home when it started with him. She never dated and fell in love with her best friend; she fell in love with JC.
The rumors had been brutal, instead of fighting the fire, JC had chosen not to address them, not to confirm, not to deny either side of allegations. Johnny had told her he wanted nothing at all to do with the story, since it wasn't him. Chase was a friend. Someone that shared many of the interests that he had that he hung out with. It was the same when their were photos of JC and Justin. Just photos. Photos that meant nothing and never would.
She wanted to say something to him, tell him that she was there if he needed her, but it wouldn't help. He wouldn't listen. He wasn't talking to her.
The plane landed sometime shortly after she had fallen asleep. At least, that's how it felt. JC was already up and carrying his bag towards the exit, Aundrea putting her laptop away. "Drea," Audrina said softly, she unbuckling her seatbelt and approaching her friend slowly, "something else is up with him. That's not just a hang over."
"We'll talk about it later," Aundrea said softly, giving her a look that she knew not to bring it up until the two of them were alone. "Let's get to the hotel and we'll talk."
"You know, don't you?"
"Oh, oblivious one, I know all," she said, giving her a weak smile. "You just gotta promise me you're not going to freak."
"Why would I -"
"Just promise me."
She closed her mouth, nodding. "Okay. All right, I promise."
"Good." Aundrea smiled as Dale and Tim, Audrina and JC's bodyguards respectfully, re-entered from helping JC with his bags. "And don't let people ask you questions. Johnny already ran it by me while the two of you were sleeping."
"I seriously miss everything when I'm unconscious."
Aundrea laughed. "You miss everything, anyway." She let Tim take her bag and laptop, linking her arm into Audrina's, they walking out with their bodyguards in tow. JC was little ways ahead, distant screams entering their ears as they saw fans about two hundred yards away behind a fence, Rina waving and causing the screams to get louder, she laughing hysterically as she ducked into the awaiting limo, Aundrea waving before she followed.
"He won't even talk to me," Audrina said, looking down at her fingers as the car began it's trip to the hotel about a half hour away. "Let alone look at me. It's like, he suddenly heard something so disgusting about me that it makes him sick just to look at me."
"I'm sure it has nothing to do with you, Rina." Aundrea replied, "he's a man. As complex as they think we are, they've got a lot more things that go on in their head than you think that we can't even figure out. He's not like a typical man, either; he's a musician. A musician with the intelligence of a genius. He may have typical problems, but with the not-so-typical life and his method of questioning everything, those problems are multiplied to infinity."
"You'd think, growing up with a brother, I'd understand them better."
"Especially since Brian is a musician."
"JC isn't like Brian," she said softly. "That's what I loved about him. He knew that if I needed space, he'd give it to me. He wasn't smothering and he wasn't clingy. He understood that even though the two of us rarely got time together, there were still times that we needed to be apart to keep our independence. Brian has always had a positive outlook on anything because of his faith, but JC's faith isn't quite so strong as his and I know he questions a lot of things and he sometimes loses direction."
"But you have faith, you can get him out of this."
"My faith is nothing," she said softly, shaking her head, "compared to Brian's, who can move mountains, mine can't even climb over a mole hill."
"What happened to the girl I once knew who had all the faith in the world," Aundrea asked, leaning her head up against the chair and tilting it sideways to study her friend, "the girl who relied everything on faith and reason?"
"Her faith left when he did," she said softly, "when I got sick, he was the only one holding it there for me. And when he walked out, it left with him. I'm still trying to find that reason."
Aundrea frowned as Audrina sighed deeply, she turning her head to look out the window. They rode in silence the rest of the way.
"Now, you girls holler if you need anything," Dale set the remains of their bags down into the foyer of the large suite, Audrina refusing a room by herself in unfamiliar territory (the last time she toured, someone was always with her; she wanted it the same way now) so Aundrea was staying with her. "We'll be in the hall."
Audrina nodded, waving off her bodyguard as she sat down on her bed, pulling her hair into a ponytail. "Okay, spill it."
Aundrea turned, confused. "Spill what?"
"What's going on with JC?"
"There's not really a way to say it, so I'll show you," Aundrea said softly, she walking over to her laptop bag and pulling it out, waiting for it to come out of sleepmode as she plugged it in to charge, sitting on the bed and going back to the gossip site she had been on before. "Come sit down."
Rina sat down slowly, eyes settling on an article with a large photo of she and JC together, a jagged line between the two of them and another of JC and Chase at the Playboy Mansion months ago. "Oh, God," she said softly. "What is this?"
"It's ... best if you read it." Aundrea turned the screen, sliding off of the bed to tend to her bags to let her read in private.
Behind the secret life of JC Chasez
The scandals, the lies, the heartbreak, the other person in his life!
Back in 2000 when JC Chasez went public with his very serious relationship with Audrina Littrell, the music industry buzzed about the new starlet's sudden climb to fame and sudden arm candy. For the most part, the musical sweethearts were boring, taking movie and dinner dates and keeping under the radar, not once ever having a known public blowout. She was the good girl from Kentucky, he was the sweetheart from Maryland, both respectful and very private.
The relationship that lasted six years just may have been a lie. Rumors began to circulate in 2004 about the relationship being on the rocks the moment Littrell took a personal hiatus to deal with a sudden devestation from an undetected congenital effect, she disappearing for four years, two years still 'with' Chasez, though a source says that from then on, it was only a planted relationship to cover up his real life and that it may have began earlier than that. "She was devestated," the source claims, "not only was she seriously ill, but she was given a low blow when he told her who he was really attracted to. That was a lot of the reason she took the personal hiatus. Even with her religious family, she refused to open her mouth about his secret and promised she would back him because she did, in fact, love him. They held out for as long as they could, but the secret was killing her and it killed him to see it. So they parted ways."
Chasez has been up until recently spotted with Gossip Girl heartthrob Chase Crawford, the two painting the towns from Vegas to New York City. Not only is Crawford supposed to be with country crooner Carrie Underwood, but it seems that he is doing the same thing that Chasez had been doing with Littrell.
"They like each other a lot, they share a lot of mutual friends, a lot of common interests," the source replied, "Chase looks up to JC because he's so driven and so motivated and Chase keeps JC on his toes. They've got a common attraction."
"When Rina found out, she threw everything she could get her hands on at him," another source said. "Not about Chase, but about JC's preference. Only weeks before, JC had mentioned marriage and the two of them were figuring out the best time to even try and get engaged. Now, she had to hear he was gay. Not only did she have to hide it from her very touch-and-go family, but she had to hide it from the media, from the friends she trusted most. No one knew but her and suddenly all the weight was on her shoulders. It wasn't good for her heart and she told him that they needed to be apart. Then, as the days went on, she realized that not only was it going to affect him with the news, but her and her brother, too. So she agreed to keep up with the life they shared and even continued living with JC. They didn't even share a bed anymore and it killed her. Here was the man that she devoted her entire life to, fell in love with and suddenly, he's not the person she thought he was. She cried for so long and still does when she hears the songs he had 'written' for her. He feels horrible about it, but that's the way love goes. He didn't want to hide it from her anymore. She was the one person he trusted with his life. They were there for every little thing in their lives those six years and that's not something that goes away. That's the only reason she still wants anything to do with him."
She closed the browser in disgust, looking over at Aundrea. "That's just sad. Making up stories because they're lacking in gossip. That's like saying I really don't have a heart problem, I just have a drug problem and cover it up with that or something."
"Don't say that too loud, they may hear," Aundrea chuckled. "Like Johnny said though: he doesn't comment on things he knows aren't true. Or are. It's his business, not theirs."
"You know about what he said?"
"Yeah, he and I were talking about it on the plane today," she said. "I showed him the article. But I guess he's got some little arm candy now that may prove them wrong or make them think he's trying to do damage control."
Now she was interested. "What?"
Aundrea shrugged. "Apparently he met a girl last night he really is into. Complete opposite of you, too." She paused. "Maybe that was his intention. She's brunette and she's like, an inch shorter than him. Apparently she's a struggling actress and works in a law firm. Lucy, I think he said her name was?"
"Really."
She nodded. "He saw the story yesterday, from my understanding, got pissed off and went and got drunk. That's when he met her."
"Great, a girlfriend because of a drunken night," Audrina grumbled. "This means I have to deal with that, don't I?"
"I'm 'fraid so, sweetie."
"Argh!" She turned, putting her head into her pillow and screaming. "Why does he do that?! He doesn't want to deal with something so he goes out and makes the problem disappear ... in his fucked up mind, anyway! Then when it comes back, he just gets into this bitch ass mood and it makes me want to hurt him." She got up, grabbing her things.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to talk to him. He's being an idiot and he's gonna get himself into a mess if he doesn't watch what he's doing."
"Rina," Aundrea grabbed her friend's arm, giving her a cautious look, "I know you care about what he does, but he's thirty-one now. He's a grown man. Any mistake he makes is on him, not you. You aren't together anymore, it doesn't make you look bad."
"Any mistake he makes does come back to me," she said, pulling her arm away, "I still care about him, Drea; I'm not gonna let him throw away his life because of something stupid. He was my life for six years and I'm not gonna just overlook this." She opened the door, telling Dale to stay put with Aundrea as she went down the hall, bringing her hand up to knock on his door, it slightly ajar as she heard him strumming on his acoustic guitar, his voice soft and barely audible over the strums.
The harder I try to make my escape
You still haunt me
The farther I get, the more intense
The seperation leads to desperation
'Cause when you're not close to me
It's like a freight train's running over me
You're killing me slowly
It was the song he sang on Las Vegas. At the time, it was only partially written, though the producer had heard him sing it in the dressing room and asked him to play it. As far as she knew, it was still unwritten for the most part. He was very secretive about his songs, especially this one. He had a notebook of songs that he kept hidden that she had found once, though she wasn't sure how he deciphered what he had written because everything was jumbled and all over the place.
She froze when she heard his struggle with the words, creeping into the room slowly and watching him from afar. He was facing the other way, sitting on the couch with his leg propped up on the table in front of him with a notebook beside his foot. He sounded irritated, upset, frustrated, even.
If only you were lonely and broken
I'd creep into your into your mind without you knowing
Rearrange the pieces when you weren't watching
And leave you with a memory that you loved me
He stopped. He was definitely hungover. Anytime he was, his emotions rode right along on his sleeve. Though it would have been amazing for him to do a show hungover with the emotion, it was horrible any other time.
She heard him going over the line to himself, changing the tone, the range. He was getting more aggravated, she could hear it in his voice.
"And leave you with a memory that you love-" he stopped. "That you loved m -" he stopped again. "That you loved me."
He wrote something down and continued.
And leave you with a memory that you loved me
If only you were lonely
She cleared her throat, startling him as he turned to look at her. "I'm sorry, the door was open."
"What do you want," he asked softly, turning his head, though she saw how glassy his eyes were. Something was definitely up. Even if it wasn't what she thought it was, there were things on his mind that she needed to know about. She wanted to help him; she wanted to fix this, she had to.
"I need to talk to you," she said, suddenly really nervous in his presence. "I think there's a lot you and I need to say -"
"I'm kind of busy right now."
She cringed at the sharpness in his voice, she shrinking at how much it hurt. "Jace -"
"I'm trying to finish this, Rina."
"Can't it wait?"
"No."
She sighed deeply, crossing her arms and studying him. "I'm not going to walk away from this."
"Right now, I want you to walk away from me."
Why was he acting this way? He had never been so cold to anyone in his entire life. "JC, seriously, I -"
"I want you out of my God damn room, Audrina," he spat, voice like venom while his eyes met hers, shooting daggers that went straight to her heart. "I don't want to speak to you. Actually, I don't want to see you." He turned around and she saw him bring up a shaky hand, placing it to his head as he stared at the paper, trying to ignore her.
She stepped into the living area, slamming the door that seperated it from the bedroom, this time he being the one that was startled. "I'm going to tell you the same damn thing you told me when I found out and refused to see you," she seethed, the blood boiling so hot that she felt it in her ears, they burning just by those few moments, "I'm not going away, JC. Whatever you're going through, I'm going to be here because that's who I am. You may not know it, but everything that affects you, affects me. I'm not walking away from this, I'm not letting you act like a fucking prick to me just because there's something on your mind that you don't know how to deal with."
"You wanna know the difference between then and now is?" He set his guitar down, standing up but not moving from his spot. "You wanna know what makes this so different?"
Her chest was heaving, she afraid she'd work herself up into a palpitation attack again. "What?"
"That we aren't together anymore. That I don't give a fuck what you think anymore. That's what the difference is. You can stand there until your face is blue but I'm not talking to you. I don't want to. What's going on in my life doesn't pertain to you. Get the fuck out of my room."
He swore at her. He never swore at her. It hit her hard in the chest and she nearly stumbled against the door behind her. The words were a mental slap to her face, tears forming in her eyes as her jaw began to tremble. For a moment, the hard exterior began to crumble on the man in front of her, but he stood his ground. "Get out, Audrina."
She took in a shaky breath, turning and pulling the door open. "I don't know why I fucking bother with caring about you when all you want to do is treat people around you like shit because of some stupid rumor that we all know isn't true. You want to be miserable? Fine. You want to hate the world? Fine. But don't ever come back to me with any fucking problems, Chasez. That's over. We're over. This tour is the only thing that relates us to each other. Our song? Gone. I'm not singing it with you and I'm not performing it, period. Take the God damn thing and shove it up your ass." She walked through the door, the echoes of "fuck you!" being heard as she slammed the door.
He sat back down, picking up the guitar with weak hands. He knew his outburst was a little over-the-top, well, more than just a little. It was a horrible thing and though try as he might, he couldn't take it back. He had never, ever spoken to her like that. Suddenly, it was okay? Suddenly, because he couldn't control his dick or his heart, he could speak to her like that? That because he slept with a girl who suddenly will not leave him alone from the night before and thinks they're together now makes it okay for him to talk to her like that? No. Because he made a simple mistake the night before after way too much alcohol made it okay to flip out on her? No. No, make that two mistakes. One simple, one larger than life. Losing her two years ago and losing her again two minutes ago when he told her to get out of his life.
That was the exact opposite of what he wanted.
He cried out in frustration, throwing the notebook across the room and putting his head in his hands. He had a hangover headache and his phone was constantly beeping alerting him of a text message from the girl from last night. What was her name? Lexi? Lassie? Lucifer? He smirked. Close. Though now, he was going to have to call her that and put her in his phone as that. If she didn't get all crazy and appear at his door at 3AM at some random hotel in another city. Lucy.
He got up, ignoring his phone and walking out of his room. "Dale, Tim, where is she?" He watched the men approach him from down the hall, they speaking amongst themselves.
"She got into the elevators about two seconds ago and threatened to flatten our manhood if we followed her," Tim said, chuckling slightly. "She looked pissed and upset. Went to the top of the hotel."
"And you didn't follow her?!"
"Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned, Jace," Dale concluded. "Who were we going to mess with a Littrell like that for? They're little, but damn, they throw a hell of a punch. Besides, she's up on the roof. Only people on this floor have access to it."
He sighed deeply, shaking his head as he put his hands in his pockets. "I fucked this up so bad, man ..."
"Ah, so you're the mother fucker she was bitching about?" Dale grinned, JC shooting him an offended look. "Just go talk to her."
"She hates me."
"Dude, no, she doesn't. She'll never hate you."
"How do you know? How do you know that I didn't just put the nail in the casket of our already dead relationship? The shit is gonna hit the fan once Johnny finds out she refuses to perform our song with me ..."
"Ah, I think the shit is gonna hit the fan regardless," Dale laughed. "Just go talk to her. Otherwise, I have to deal with her cranky ass all day."
He frowned, shaking his head. "I think it's too late for apologies. It's too late for a lot of things."
"Jace -"
His mind suddenly went to the woman waiting through text message(s) to speak with him. At least someone would talk to him. "I gotta go." He turned, closing his door and locking it.
Hey, baby boy! <3
When do I get to come see you live
as the girlfriend?
You there?
Hello?!
Don't tell me you're mad at me or
something ...
He scoffed. "We fucked less than eighteen hours ago and you're already imagining me being mad at you? That I'm suddenly you're boyfriend?"
"Jace, you okay in there?"
He jumped. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"I thought I heard voices."
He had said that aloud? Whoops. "I'm fine."
"Okay. Just making sure."
He looked back down at the phone, sighing deeply. First step in getting over someone? Seeing someone new. Even if they were crazy.
Yep, I'm here. Sorry, was writing a song.
You can come anytime you'd like.
He set the phone down, staring at the ceiling and the designs that had been placed intricately into the wet paint as it dried. If he squinted, he could spell her name out. If he squinted, he saw her. If he just looked, he saw their entire life together. His eyes burned, he blinking hard to keep the emotions away. He made a mental note to never drink as much as he did, knowing hangovers made him an emotional little girl just like they were just then. Clenching his eyes shut, he heard her voice, a mental image suddenly playing in his head like a home movie.
"Baby, what are you doing?" He followed her down the hallway of his home, she dancing to her own little tune in her head. She had ignored him, though he wasn't complaining with the view he had of her behind, the sound that came from her beautiful mouth and into his ears. "Rina?"
She stopped in front of his room, her hands playing at the hem of his shirt as his heart suddenly raced, eyes dropping to the velour track suit she had on, the top half-way zipped, cleavage swelling out of the bodyshaper tanktop she had on. Whatever she was doing, he didn't care. She was his and that body ... that body was his, too. "I know you didn't want to go out for your birthday, so I figured we could just have our own little fun night in," she said, pushing open the door with her foot and showcasing the entire room shimmering with candles, the lights flickering along the walls and making it seem as if they were in their own little erotic dance.
"Our own little fun, huh," he asked softly, already feeling the strain in his jeans as his finger ran along the hem of the top of her tank top, loving the feel of her breathing rising and falling with every time he went back and forth. He hooked his finger, pullingt he tanktop slight and letting it fall back, grinning wickedly as she shook her head, laughing with him.
"C'mon, Crazy." She tugged him into the room, kicking the door closed and pushed him against the door almost animalistically, he moaning against her mouth when he heard a deep gutteral growl escape her lips when their hips connected. "Happy Birthday," she managed to say as she pulled away, breathless. The was the one thing that boggled his mind: outside of the bedroom, she was a sweet, charming woman who had the best mannerisms and was so unlike the ... beast she unleashed when the doors closed behind them. Her hands were cupping him as he inhaled sharply, feeling her knead him through the fabric. "So what does my baby want for his special day?"
He inhaled deeply, trying to steady his breathing as his eyes flickered with the only want right in front of him. "You. Naked."
She smirked. "That can be arranged you know. You just have to help me. I seem to have forgotten how to undress ..."
His hands found the zipper of the top, yanking it down and discarding it quickly, he reaching downward on her petite body and cupping her behind, lifting her up so that she was straddling him, her arms behind his head as he kissed her roughly, deeply. Her hips ground into his stomach, relief to his jeans but not to himself. He moved quickly forward, nearly dropping her to the bed as he fell between her legs, sliding up her body and pressing his lips to her pulse point, sucking as she sighed in content, it the only spot that kept her quiet but could make her squirm the next moment, which she started to do when his tongue began to trace the vein there.
"I love you," she said breathlessly, her legs locked at his waist as he smiled against her soft skin, it feeling like satin as he hummed against it.
He kissed the tender spot once more, bringing his mouth down on hers and sucking gently on her bottom lip, leaning his forehead to hers as her hands moved to his jeans, unbuckling them. For the first time, his mind wasn't where her hands were, it was in the moment. "I love you, too."
His eyes shot open when his phone beeped again, he reaching forward and pulling it into sight, free hand rubbing his eyes roughly.
Oh, yay! I can come anytime!
... Wonder if the song is about me? ;)
She would have been okay up there if it hadn't of been for the elevator music. She would have been okay if the song after that wasn't one that reminded her of him. Hell, she would have been okay if it weren't for him.
She had gone to her room, halfway in the door when she decided that even going in there was going to piss her off. Despite Aundrea's calls to see where she was going, she had turned on her heel and ignored her friend, hitting the elevator's up button and waiting to take the trip up to the roof. She needed to clear her head.
She had threatened bodily harm to either bodyguard if they followed her, she stepping in as they watched with mouths agape. She was pissed. No one messed with a pissed Littrell. Especially her.
She stepped into the elevator and immediately felt the tears form, doors sliding close almost in synch with the beat of the song, his voice greeting her. She put her hands to her ears, but even that couldn't stop the words forming in her head along with the song.
In all of creation, all things big and small
You are the one that surpasses them all
More precious than any diamond or pearl
They broke the mold when you came in this world
And I'm trying hard to figure out
Just how I ever did without
The warmth of your smile
The heart of child
That's deep inside
It keeps me purified ...
The doors didn't open quick enough for her, she prying them open herself and squeezing out, nearly falling as she stopped herself, an exhausted sob escaping her throat. She made it towards the middle of the roof when she collapsed, falling to a pile on her knees.
Never thought that love could feel like this
Then you changed my world with just one kiss ...
And then their song came on. The first song they kissed during. She was a huge fan of Gavin Degraw, and for Valentine's Day, he had bought her tickets for the two of them to catch him at the House of Blues in Anaheim.
I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul
Your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone
The tears fell silent, she looking blurrily ahead as the sun set, the tears in her eyes giving more of a crazy colored illusion of it than it really was. Was that how she saw she and JC? A crazy illusion of something that really wasn't all she thought it to be? Those six years had to be a waste. They just had to be.
She just had to prove that to herself.
