The dish fell into the water without so much of the satisfying crack that Audrina had wanted. Soap suds floated through the air from the impact, one gently resting on her cheek, she swiping it with her sudsy hands and just adding more bubbles to her face. She smirked. Immediately, it fell from her face as she remembered just how cranky she had been, how much of a bad mood she wanted to be in.

"I don't understand why you aren't just washing them in the dishwasher," Brian said softly as he placed two glasses on the sink next to her, she feeling his eyes on her face as he tried to read it. "Come sit with us."

She was silent, hand going back into the warm water and bringing out yet another dish, staring at it blankly as she ran the wash cloth in circular motions over the white porecelain. It kept her busy, kept her hands busy. Though her mind didn't stay quite as set on the dishes as it did elsewhere, it kept her there and not standing over a cliff, looking death in the eye. Or worse, pounding on his door and demanding answers. Demanding answers for so many things. The biggest one hit her in the temple, a dull headache beginning with all the rapid thoughts.

Why.

Why just a friend? Why, suddenly, his ear sex partner? Why so hot and cold? Why didn't he want to marry her? Why was he making so many excuses? Why didn't he love her anymore?

She felt the tears well up, she reaching up with the sud covered hand and purposely swiping at her eye, hoping to make them irritate by the soap and not startle Brian with the sudden emotion. She knew if she spoke, she'd break and he'd demand to talk, demand to find out what was going on in her head. But she didn't want to talk. She didn't want to spill out her heart again.

... She didn't want to tour with him.

She frowned, her scrubbing becoming more harsh as she continued to clean the same dish, pretty sure she'd see her reflection soon.

Why couldn't she get over this? She had gotten over him! At least, up until that exact moment, she did. Why did it have to be him that was her first love, her first everything? Why did he have to be a musician? Write all those songs that she could hear any time she wanted and just remember how much she meant to him once. Was this his purpose? Bring the songs back, make her feel horrible? Make her resent breaking it off with him?

They would have been together eight years today.

"Rina -"

His voice startled her, the breaking point surfacing as she threw the dish in her hand across the room. "I don't want to come fucking sit with you guys! Just leave me the hell alone!"

He took a step back, startled at her sudden outburst, Aubrey and Aundrea both appearing in the archway as quick as lightning, studying the damage of the plate that was now in a hundred little pieces beneath brother and sister's feet. "Rina -"

"I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled, turning back to the sink and ignoring the wreckage behind her. "I don't want to sit down, I don't want to think, I just want to wash my dishes and be by myself."

"I'll clean up the plate, Brian," Aundrea said softly, her presence felt behind her. "Go entertain everyone, enjoy the movie."

She heard his sigh of defeat, hands pausing in the water as she listened to his retreating footsteps, dropping her head down in disappointment in herself.

"I'll go get the dust pan," Aundrea said quickly, Aubrey's sandaled feet crunching over the glass as she stepped next to her friend, leaning into her in a gentle nudge.

"I'll have you know that I dry plates amazingly. My mom never let anyone do it but me. Maybe it was because if I didn't do something I was dancing around like a freak and annoying people singing random show tunes, but if I weren't a singer, I could definitely be a professional dish dryer."

She smirked. "Good, useless information I will probably never need to remember."

"You want my professional help in this unwanted task?"

She was silent, focused on washing another dish and not throwing it to the floor in anger and defeat. She had come to the realization that JC Chasez had ruined her for life and hated that he made a pun out of that complete statement.

'Fuck you, JC', she thought to herself, sighing deeply and watching Aubrey reach beside her for the towel, her fingers then reaching for the yet again 'almost' see-through (if it could get that way) plate from her hands. This was what she needed. A silent support system from her two best friends, not the 'I'm going to talk to you and see what's wrong' kind of support Brian tended to give. That was Brian though; sometimes, she didn't think he knew how to be quiet.

Aundrea was heard behind her, sweeping up the shattered dish and humming to herself, a quirk that she had noticed she did when she was quiet and focusing on a task at hand. Turning her head, she caught her friend's attention, the broad smile from Aundrea receiving a smaller, less enthusiastic smile.

She swore the girl would be excited cleaning toilets.

She reached back into the sink, pulling the drain plug and let the water disappear quickly down it. The last dish was handed to Aubrey as she grabbed the two cups, sighing in defeat and putting them in the dishwasher. She liked doing things for herself, liked having the sense of independence. Right now, all she had a sense of was need, the need to be held and told everything was going to be all right. By the one person she didn't want to see.

"Today would have been our eight-year anniversary," she said softly, finally giving in to the silent questions of both friends, she hearing the broom be set against the wall as Aundrea stepped to her other side, reaching up and tucking hair that had fallen out of her ponytail behind her ear to get a better look at her friend. She dropped her head again, lip jut out in a pout as she lifted her hands and dropped them dejectedly by her sides. "All I wanted to do was be happy ..."

"Aww, sweetheart," Aubrey's voice came soothing like a mother's as she hugged her, Aundrea hugging her from behind as she put her face in her hands and let the tears fall. "It's gonna be all right, you know. I know that you hear it like a broken record, but it will. Like you said, everything happens for a reason, right? People come and go in your life and change it for a reason. Maybe he's the reason you are the person you are today. Maybe he shaped you, made you realize what love is so when the time finally comes that the man you're supposed to marry goes, 'how did I get so lucky to get her? Of all the men in her life, I can't believe she chose me."

"You make it sound like it should be some corny romantic comedy," she mumbled against her hands, head resting on her friend's shoulder as Aubrey and Aundrea laughed. "Like that one our ... our damn song is on."

"But what if he is it, Rina? What if he's the reason you aren't happy?"

She turned her head, looking quizzically at Aundrea, "I know he is -"

"No, I mean ... what if he," she stopped, trying to think of how to get it out, "what if he's your Chandler?"

"My what?"

Aundrea laughed slightly. "Your Chandler. The one guy who had always been there for you and always made you feel good about yourself because he expected so much out of you, knew that you were capable of doing amazing things. The one who sat back and let the world take you on this crazy ride and was there when you fell. He'd just pick you up and let you go on, just sat back and enjoyed the ride. The one that had been there all along and the one you've wanted for so long that you realize that's it: that he was the one. That he's the one you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life? What if you're his Monica? The only woman who could ever make him feel the way he does when he's around you? What if you're the one to finally change his mind? The one who makes him realize that he is madly in love with you more than he was before and he does want marriage. But only if it's with you. The one change in his life that he welcomes with open arms, an open heart and a broad smile. That smile you love so much ..."

"You need to write books on love. And Bree, you need to write a self-motivational one," she chuckled, wiping at her eyes lazily as she pulled away from her friends, smiling weakly. "Thank you."

"That's what we're here for, love," Aubrey smiled. "Come on, let's go watch the movie, 'kay?"

She shook her head. "I think I'm just going to go lie down for a while. All my irritation gave me a headache."

"You want one of us to bring you up some hot tea? Soup? Tylenol?" Aundrea put a hand to Rina's forehead, frowning. "You are a bit warm. And you leave in two days for tour."

"Tea would be nice," she said softly, she stepping away from her friends and headed towards her stairs, no one even noticing her departure from the lower level.

She closed the door gently, dimming the lights to ease the pain in her head as she crawled into bed, picking up her Blackberry and staring down at the screen, contemplating her next move. Without thinking, she brought up a new message, putting in the familiar digits and sending a message she figured she'd regret in the morning.

He wouldn't respond. It'd be too weird. She was fine with that. But when it sang the tone she had chosen for her messages, she nearly jumped out of her skin at the almost instant response.

You too ... is it bad that you've
been on my mind all day?
Maybe it is because of the day
but it just ... I couldn't help it.

She couldn't help but smile slightly. He had been thinking of her. He remembered their anniversary. Mr. I-Can't Even Remember What Day It Is, Let Alone Our Anniversary. But what did she say to that? She didn't want to feel desperate. She didn't want to sound as if she wanted him back, because, even she didn't know that. Maybe she did, maybe she missed his presence in her life as it had been before. Or maybe, maybe it was because of the anniversary, the album, the emotions surrounding it all. She wouldn't know. She couldn't.

No, it's not. I've been thinking
about you, too.

She sent it, not wanting to go back on what she said before he could really know the truth. Though she wasn't going to say that it was partially the reason why she had been in a bad mood, either. That, and seeing him the day before practicing once more with the live band, singing his heart out. It had made her made that she would never be that way. She could never have the power he had, never have the impact on a song like his voice, his power had. She saw the vein in the side of his neck pop, eyes clenched shut and mouth open, singing the one song that had been written back in 2000 while he was still with the group, one he had kept to himself and one that didn't deal anything with her.

It's amazing how we fear we may be
It's from ourselves we so often run
Abandon fear and consequence of heartbreak
Expose the truth and give yourself to love

We've all been set up to be disappointed
We have to crawl before we learn to fly
It's the blur that moves right into focus
Removes the doubt, aligns your heart and mine

She had that the song wasn't hers, but at that moment, when his eyes opened and he met her gaze from clear across the stage where she sat, holding her water bottle between her hands, it was. Every line, every meaning, every little thing between the lines was hers.

Good. Well, not good you've been
thinking of me ... well, maybe in a
way, but you know what I mean.
I'm so glad we still talk, Rina. I
don't think I'd be able to get
through a day without speaking
with you. I just hope that one day
I can find someone who can accept
that you will always have the biggest
part of my heart and they'll just have
to deal in knowing that you were the
best thing to ever happen to me and
nothing will ever happen between you
and I again.

Her heart sank. If that didn't answer what she felt for him, she would have pretty much been standing in front of a freight train waiting for it to hit her. This was her freight train. Her freight train, a crashing airplane on top, along with a meteor to top it off. She missed him. Maybe she wanted to be with him; maybe she'd hold off marriage to be with him, to try and make it work.

And then he said those words.

Yeah.

He didn't respond after that, she figuring he was already passed out in bed since it was nearing three. She opened the inbox folder, opening up the message and reading over and over again. '... Nothing will ever happen between you and I again.' He took the stake, set it in the center of her already hurt heart and took a mallet and drove it straight through, twisting and turning to make the damage even worse without even realizing he had done so.

It wasn't just Brian that ran risks of holes in his heart anymore. She had one now.

The tears came quickly, she taking her pillow and masking her sobs as she rocked back and forth, feeling like a child with the emotion pouring out of her. Arms were suddenly felt around her, pulling her pillow barrier away from her face. Blue eyes met her green, Brian's concerned face doing nothing more than to reel out more of the tears as he pulled her close, hugging her tightly. He did as she was doing prior, rocking gently back and forth as he soothed her, not saying a word, just stayed with her.

And somewhere, twenty minutes away from the area she was in, he was sitting in his living room, staring blankly at the phone in his hand, unaware of the events going on elsewhere. What had he just done? The one person he had never lied to, suddenly became the easiest target for his basket full of fibs. His finger played with the send button, the drafted text waiting to either be sent or saved.

I don't think I'll ever stop loving you.

He cried out in frustration, exiting out of the text and tossing the phone to the table, putting his head in his hands. Since when was love so difficult? Since when did it matter what she said, what she believed, hell, even what she wore? For a year after they broke up, it didn't. For six more months, it still didn't, but he thought of her on occasion, just wondering how she was. And then, they worked together and suddenly his heart ached.

He pined for her again. Pined for her like the silly twenty-five-year-old man he had been when he first started feeling for her, finally growing the balls to ask her out. He felt the familiar flutter in his stomach when he saw her as he drove to her old apartment in Hollywood Hills, she meeting him at the door so he wouldn't have to ring up. He remembered every scent she ever carried, the flavor of lipgloss permanently on his lips to the point where he swore he tasted it and her when he licked his own.

Out of the blue, she was suddenly the reason a smile would form on his face. She was the inspiration for song after song. Of course, every song got scrapped because it sounded like some lovesick dog, it being the main reason he hired writers to come in and collaborate with him, just so less than half of the song was inspired by her.

It really didn't occur to him that maybe he was still in love with her until the day he came to her house only to see the ambulance there. He was so freaked out that she had gotten seriously ill, or her disease had been taking the last bit out of her that thoughts ran through his head at a fast-paced setting; he regretted the things he said, he didn't believe in what he had said. He would have changed it all to know she was there beside him when she got sick, rather than her best friend.

He then began to piece together all the puzzle parts. he always had an excuse to want to see her, always mentioned her. He woke up from dreaming about her and went to be with her on his mind.

It was inevitable: he was still in love with her.

But as of that night, any chance of they getting back together was done. He had fucked up. Again.

He heard the vibrations of the music blaring through the speakers as he walked down the corridor towards the entrance of the rehearsal arena, a small smile forming on his face in excitement. The smile may have been bigger, but excitement was hard to come by the last few days for him.

Stepping into the main area of the arena, he paused as he watched her stand in the middle of the stage, two dancers on either side of her. She was running through the bridge of a song, laughing hysterically at something Johnny had said from his spot just below the stage. She had her favorite cotton shorts on, ones that she had even back when they were dating, though they seemed a little looser on her now than before, she having lost weight when she got sick in the first place and never really gaining it back. Her shirt was balled up in the center, stomach glistening with the beginning of sweat from her being there on stage for six hours under intense light and heat.

She never looked so beautiful from down here ...

He scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. What had he been doing? He felt as if he were bipolar all over again: throwing mixed signals to her nearly every day, feeling one thing one moment and another the next. Wanting to hold her, kiss her and be with her for one time and then just wanting to ravage her the next and forget about it later. He was a fool back then, he was an even bigger one now.

She was singing now, dancing fluidly with the other dancers. She had a look of determination on her face as she made the song her own personal powerhouse, demanding attention from everyone in the room. From the light crew to the maintenance men working on the display, they were all watching her.

Her body pulsated with the hook of the chorus, one hand to her chest, the other resting on her waist as she stood to the side, facing the front of the stage. Her eyes had clouded over, he knowing just how much she got into the music at this point, smiling to himself. She had that same look when ...

"Hey."

He spun, catching Aundrea's smile. "Hey yourself. How are you?"

"Good," she smiled. "How's she doing?"

"Really good," he said softly, eyes slowly casting back to her dancing form on the stage, various hands running along her body as she seduced them, body still slightly pulsating as her hips swung then, his own eyes watching them, watching how they moved liquidly, the hand on her waist moving to her belly and sliding along it. "Really, really good."

She laughed. "I don't understand you."

"Yeah," he frowned, "neither do I."

Aundrea patted his back sympathetically, entering the arena and making her way down towards Johnny. He went to move, suddenly frozen in his spot when her gaze caught his. Suddenly, he was the only one there and she was performing for him. He licked his lips, she doing a body roll and whipping her head to the side, hair flying in front of her face, though the piercing green of her eyes breaking through the strands and burning into his.

You gotta show me something
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again

Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?

He stepped further into the arena, eyes not leaving hers as she finally broke the gaze, going back into performance mode, hands skirting up her body invitingly, the two male dancers appearing in front of her and she pulsating her body for them, JC shaking his head. He sat down next to Johnny, eyes anywhere but on her.

My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged ...

He frowned. Way to rub it in.

The song ended, Johnny clapping. "That was great, Audrina. We need to work on the lights a bit, but your part was just fine. Since JC's here, we can do the end of your set."

The end of her set? What did it have to do with him?

"Jace, go ahead up for 'You & I'."

Oh.

He got up, eyes meeting Aundrea's as she smirked, he shaking his head at her as he put his hands to the stage, lifting his body up easily onto it. A stage hand gave him a microphone, he feeling his heart start to pound as the acoustic guitar introduction began, watching as she sat down on the edge of the stage, microphone resting in her lap as he pulled the mic to his mouth. Suddenly, his heart wasn't in his chest, it was pouring through his voice. Suddenly, all eyes weren't on her. They were on him - including Audrina's.

You and I
Let's lay down our paths tonight
And you, yes, you
Why won't you see this thing through?
What I wouldn't change
I think I've gone insane

His stomach twisted, hearing her begin to sing the chorus with him, she getting up to give her voice more power, she stepping close to him. He could have hated her before, but suddenly, he felt the same intense feelings as before. He didn't know how she did it, but she did. He wasn't quite sure how welcoming he was to the idea, but he knew he'd hate it if it went away.

And I don't want you to be over this now
I can't stand the pain anymore
You were the best of love
What was I thinking of?
I don't know

He definitely didn't know.

He let his hand drop to his side as he felt her lean into him, slowly dragging his gaze down to her tiny frame, free hand coming up and resting on the small of her back. It was clear that she felt only friendship for him; she leaned to him for comfort.

That was all he was to her.

It hurt. Hurt bad. Just standing next to her after that realization killed him. It was as if someone just shoved their hand into his chest and ripped his heart out.

You and I
Can't understand reasons why
And you, yes, you
When did your heart a new?
Guess I could of changed
Or should I of stayed the same?

And I don't want you to be over this now
I can't stand the pain anymore
You were the best of love
What was I thinking of?

I guess I should have changed
Or should I of stayed the same?

He made the decision mid-way through the ending of the song. He needed to completely move on. He needed to be away from her, though it was too late to leave the tour, he needed to stay away from her. She was poison. His kryptonite.

To make a mental point to himself, he stepped away, catching Aundrea's puzzled expression, he ginving a blank look in return. Tonight was their last night in California. Tonight, he was going out and getting drunk. Tonight, he was going to find someone. Tonight, he was going to forget all about her and put his mind on something, or someone else.

Tonight, he was going to find a hook-up. To prove to himself and everyone else that he was over her.

He was going to need a lot of alcohol.