Waking up in a new city always brought on major confusion to her, regardless of how many years she had under her belt doing so. Obviously, Chicago was nothing different.
"Miss D, you have to get up now."
"I'm up," she murmured, forcing her tired eyes open as the sunlight poured through the blinds and into the hotel room, she pulling the covers over her face so that she could get used to her eyes being open in the light once more. "Can you bring me some tea, please?"
"Already done."
She pulled the blanket from her face, getting up and watching as her assistant, Rebecca, made her way into the room with a mug, gently handing it to Audrina as she smiled appreciatively. "You're too good to me, Bek," she murmured as the hot liquid went down her throat. "Too good."
"I try my best, Miss D. I'm going to get my things in order and then come back for yours."
Audrina nodded, waving off Rebecca as she closed her eyes, leaning up against the headboard and sighing deeply. She felt off with the time change, even having been there already a week. Her entire body was exhausted with the long hours, the stressful environment she had been putting on herself playing the game of hide-and-duck-away with JC every time he made an appearance in the area she would disappear. She was tired, and though she knew where she was, she felt like she was lost.
She threw the covers off of herself, the cool air already prickling her skin as she shivered. Peeling off her tanktop and shorts, she rummaged in her bag for clothes to put on, not looking forward to yet another photoshoot. Another photoshoot that dealt with not hiding or ducking from the one man she was pretty good at doing both of those from. She didn't bother to get ready; they'd put her make-up and wardrobe on her when she got there. She wasn't there to impress anyone; she wasn't even an impression on herself.
She went into the bathroom, tugging her hair into the high ponytail and studying her complexion. Ruddy from sleep and exhaustion from the last few days, she splashed cold water to her cheeks, picking up her toothbrush and just continued to stare at her reflection. "God, thankfully make-up can do wonders," she mumbled, "how could someone want to be with someone who looks like this? How could two men want to?" She sighed deeply, toothbrush hanging out of her mouth as she heard Rebecca enter the room once more, she moving around in the bedroom a few feet away. "I'm hopeless," she mumbled, toeing the door closed as she let her head drop, ashamed that she had let herself fall head over heels for the one man who she thought she had lost forever ago and fall deeply for a man that she was attached to, but could not get attached to because of the other.
Couldn't she just have both? Shame her family and turn to whatever religion it entailed to be with the two of them? Not that she really would complain about having just one.
She paused. She had one. What was she thinking? Why was she complaining?
Because it wasn't the other man.
She hadn't seen AJ in a couple of weeks, hadn't seen JC since the night before. Who was the man she missed? The one who was within arm's reach. Not the man who was states away.
She sighed once more, pulling out the toothbrush and tossing it to the side of the sink in a huff. Why was she letting herself get so far into something that wasn't worth it? She made it perfectly clear that she didn't want to be with him, that she couldn't. So why fret about it? It would give her premature wrinkles.
Then make-up would really hate her.
She patted her face with her hands, glancing down to the less angry, less purple scar that adorned her skin. After numerous talks and sometimes fights about it with Brian, she nearly (keyword: nearly) forgot about it for the most part. She wore it with pride, though sometimes it was guilty pride, knowing that she hadn't wanted it and chose to want to die before having it. She hated herself for thinking that way, but it was a moment of raw truth, one that she couldn't take back. (Though, there were moments that she wished she could take back ... moments of decisions and moments of weaknesses that she'd rather forget).
"Miss D, are you ready?"
She turned, opening the door to look at Rebecca and nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready."
Rebecca gave her a sweet smile, opening the door and leading the way towards the elevator. "So you have a photoshoot in an hour, interviews set up for the evening and the rest of the night for yourself before Mr. Wright starts pushing for harder rehearsals. Mr. Chasez will be at all of the above listed as well, so you won't have to be bored alone."
She forced a smile, nodding. "Sounds great."
"You know, the media is calling for a complete turn-around from you. They're expecting you to do something daring with this tour. Is that in the cards?"
She laughed at Rebecca's interview-like question and shrugged. "It's going to be a lot different from the promotional tour, that's for sure." She watched as the elevator climbed up to the suite that she had, coincidentally one of the two on the floor (who would have guessed JC was in the other?) and on the top floor, right in the way of her fear of heights. "Do we know what they plan on doing to me for this photoshoot?"
"I think they're incorporating a lot of your music into it," Rebecca said, looking at her PDA and nodding. "Yeah, it's for more t-shirts that Johnny wants merchandise to sell since there aren't any pieces of clothing that have both you and Mr. Chasez together."
She nodded, stepping into the elevator and staring at the floor, refusing to acknowledge that it was about to move, about to plummet to her early death.
Elevators were also a fear for her, if it hadn't been noticed.
"Hold the door, please!"
"Crap," she mumbled underneath her breath as Rebecca caught glimpse of the annoyed expression on Audrina's face, smiling to herself as she caught the door, not wanting to get in bad with the other headliner. "Argh, damnit ..."
"Miss D, are you okay?"
Audrina looked up, taking in the small blonde woman who was definitely born and raised in the midwest, accent, mannerism and all. "Just, dizzy is all. My ... chest hurts."
Rebecca looked at her, eyes widening as JC's startled voice rang in her ears, alarmed. "Miss D -"
"Audrina, what's going on?!"
She held her hand up, silencing them both. Really, telling them both that her reason for suddenly panic had been the body that had just entered the small compartment that she was deathly afraid of, adding on to her fear of death. But this time, it'd be death by blue eyes. Blue eyes that she loved.
A bittersweet death. What a fucking way to go.
Turning her head and making a point to inhale slightly, she caught Rebecca's gaze and smiled. "I'm all right. Thanks, Rebecca."
He sighed deeply from the other side of the elevator, seeing him shake his head out of the corner of her eye.
Ignore him. Ignore him. Just, ignore him. If you close your eyes, he'll go away ...
"Miss D?"
She pried her eyes open, looking at Rebecca, who could decide if she should still be concerned or amused. "Yeah?"
"Are you sure you're okay?"
The doors opened as her mouth did, relief flooding over her face as she nodded, watching JC step out quickly. "I'm fine. Just ... fine."
In reality, she was mentally kicking herself. How could she be fine if she couldn't even be near him? How was this photoshoot going to work if she felt as if she'd be in a state of panic with him feet, inches, up against her for photos? How was she going to deal with that?
"All right," she sighed, finally turning to look at herself in the mirror after they had literally jumped on her as soon as she walked into the door, yanking her hair from it's ponytail and putting liquid foundation to her face before she even knew what hit her, "let's see this ..."
She inhaled shakily, definitely seeing a new piece of her that she had yet really seen, except for when she shot the video for 'Schizo' however long ago. Her hair, parted closer to one side, was pulled into a low, tight ponytail, hair teased and curled to the point where it was seen from in front of her; make-up dramatic mixes of grays, deep purples and what seemed to be silver with black eyeliner and nude lips. The make-up artist believed in the theory of making one statement, not having too much on such a 'pretty face'.
They put her in jeans with boots that overlapped the denim, resting nearly at her knee and in a deep red and black heart-shaped corset that was so tight, she wasn't sure if she had a waist or a cheerio for a midsection.
"Good God," she said softly, heart pounding against her chest. It didn't even look like her. She looked like someone out of a picture, someone she always longed to be, someone she always failed to get towards. Suddenly, she was her. This was exactly what Schizo had implied, exactly what she was aiming for.
"Miss D -" Rebecca stopped, eyeing her. "Whoa."
She turned, looking at Rebecca incredulously. "I know. But ... whoa, bad? Or -"
"No, you look amazing, Miss D," she said softly, smiling widely. "If you weren't trying to hate him so bad, I think that Mr. Chasez would be putty in your hands."
She blushed. "Thanks, Rebecca, but that's not what I'm aiming for. I don't ... I don't think so, anyway."
Rebecca laughed, putting her hand to her mouth. "Your secret is safe with me."
Audrina sighed, shaking her head as Rebecca left the room, she following her slowly.
"Audrina, you look great! Simply, amazing!"
She blushed again, hiding her cheeks with her hands as she smiled widely, unaware of just how many people were staring her down. "Thank you, Alejandro."
"Let's start with your shots first, then we'll bring JC in," he grinned, taking her hand and tugging her towards the set they had behind them. "Still the same playlist as before?"
She raised an eyebrow, "Alej, I haven't been in a photoshoot with you in years -"
"And you haven't changed," he grinned, snapping his fingers as music began to play overhead, she grinning loudly as 'That's the Way I Like It', one of her brother's songs came on, she stepping onto the platform and grinning back at the camera.
It was then that she realized that she felt at home again. From then on, it'd be for her, no one else. She couldn't worry about anyone else but her. Her life had already been cut short just by a simple ailment with her worrying and sitting at home wasting it away. She was going to live again. Regardless of who came with her.
"God, I forgot how much the camera loves you, Audrina," Alejandro said, happily clapping his hands as he pulled away from his camera. "I forgot how much I loved you!"
She grinned, posing as he continued to shoot, turning and facing the other way, head over her shoulder. "I forgot how much I missed working with you!"
Alejandro laughed from behind the lens, stopping abruptly to pull out what he had already shot. "Black and white!"
She chuckled, shifting on her feet as she began singing, not caring that everyone had stopped to listen to her sing loudly and dance to yet another dance song. Shaking her head side to side and putting her hands to her hips, she froze, a voice breaking her impromtu concert into a mute performance.
It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you ...
"All right, it's time for shots with JC," Alejandro noted, nodding for a suddenly fidgety JC to stand up with her, he slowly making his way up as she licked her lips, trying to continue with her composure, to go on like it didn't bother her in the slightest.
"Get warmed up while I get this film ready!"
JC felt his heart thud in his chest as he stepped closer to her. She looked even more amazing up close then when he was standing merely feet away from her. The heels put her nearly at eye level, though it seemed like she wasn't all for the eye contact. He remembered that she had loved this song when it was on radio, and for the longest time, it was the only song he caught her singing.
Taking in a breath, he put his body close to hers. He was going to prove a point with her, he was going to make her see that he was the one she wanted, the one she needed.
"I do want seductive, so don't get all shy on me now, Littrell! You too, Chasez!"
He chuckled, looking over at Alejandro. "Then get them to change the music to the next song!" He knew the next song, he knew what it had done to her when they were together when he'd be in the studio with her. He was used to being at shoots with her when she was shooting for her album cover and tour books, he knew her playlist like the back of his hand. He was pretty sure everyone knew.
He heard the beats, a triumphant smile slowly creeping to his face as she turned her gaze to him, eyes wide as he crooked a finger at her. With no hesitation, she stepped into him, one hand snaking up her hip and to her waist, pulling her even closer while the other touched her face, she breaking the gaze and looking forward. So she wanted to play hard? He'd give in, he'd play dirty.
He put his mouth to her ear, waiting for her reaction. There was a slight shiver as he grinned, beginning to softly sing the words to her, hands at the hollow of her throat as her head tilted to the side, almost inviting him to devour her neck.
Girl, you're turning me on
You're such a fine lady
And sugar, more and more
You're driving me crazy
'Cause you're just what I want
And I'm just what you need
Oh, it's on
I'm gonna make you my baby
Sweet darling, all I can see
Is you and me
He turned her so that they were both facing forward, her backside against him as her hands went up and around his neck, head dropping back against his chest. She smelled good, so good. It was taking all that he had to not take her there, to not care what she thought and rip her clothes off; took all that he had to not just start fighting with her, fighting for her.
He didn't care anymore. This fight was going to make and break a lot of relationships he had. He didn't care; the only relationship he wanted was with the woman that he was holding onto at the moment, the woman he had been holding onto for the last eight and a half years, fighting to get her all those years ago and now suddenly, it felt as if he were back in the same predicament.
Do you wanna be with me
Cause I wanna be with you
Sugar, come and be with me
Come and be with my baby
Do you wanna be with me
Cause I wanna be with you
Sugar, come and be with me
Come and be with me my baby
She found herself sitting behind a baby grand, or that of a replica of, JC sitting next to her as he played the keys gently, a familiar melody haunting her as she tried to figure out what it was without communicating with him, fighting so hard to keep her mouth shut as they set up lights and set up shots around them.
But suddenly, he spoke.
"Justin wrote this about us," he said softly, her gaze lifting to his eyes as he turned slightly, still playing the piano and gazing at her momentarily. "In conversation, just in passing, I said I couldn't believe that something like you had happened to me. I saw the gears shift the moment I said it, and after weeks of him being tucked away in his hotel room, he came to the studio with this. He said that after years of watching the two of us together, he saw our reactions to every little thing that we did together, every little thing that the other did to us. Touches, looks, everything. It was his song about something he had wanted for so long and saw in us."
She licked her lips, leaning into JC's arm as he paused, watching as her hand slid beneath his, playing the exact notes he had been playing earlier. "JC," she said, turning her head to look at him, his face merely inches away from hers as she studied his eyes, "sing it to me. Please?"
His gaze held to hers for a few moments before turning and looking back down at the keys as her hands slid away, resting on the space between her leg and his, his voice entering her ears. At that moment, it was just the two of them, just that song and just the emotions that both people carried, still very much in love with the other - regardless of what she said and what he hid.
So many times, I thought I held it in my hands
But just like grains of sand, love slipped through my fingers
So many nights I asked the Lord above
Please, make me lucky enough
To find a love that lingers
Something keeps telling me
That you could be my answered prayer
You must be heaven sent, I swear
'Cause
Something happens when you look at me
I forget to speak
Something happens when you kiss my mouth
My knees get so weak
Baby, I can't believe
That something like you could happen to me
She felt tears form in her eyes as she listened to him sing the song she had heard numerous times; the song that she thought Justin had written for Britney, but was completely wrong. It took on a new emotion, a new meaning, a whole other world that threw her through a whirlwind, she just barely holding on.
She felt her heart skip a beat or two as his gaze turned to her, holding her attention as he sang the next verse, voice soft and sweet.
Girl, in your eyes
I feel your fire burn
All your secrets I will learn
Even if it takes forever
With you by my side
I can do anything
I don't care what tomorrow brings
As long as we're together
My heart is telling me
That you could be my meant to be
I know it more each time we touch
'Cause
Something happens when you look at me
I forget to speak
Something happens when you kiss my mouth
My knees get so weak
Could it be true, this is what God has meant for me
'Cause baby, I can't believe
That something like you could happen to me
Something magical, something spiritual
Something stronger than the two of us alone
Something physical, something undeniable
Nothing like anything that I've ever known ...
I can't believe that you happened to me ...
She thought back to when she had met him again, his sweet voice filling the room as he played the piano in a vocal warm-up; the shy smile that he gave her, intense gaze that he held for moments at a time. He had caught her attention then, and suddenly, it was all coming back to her again. That man, that man could have been a complete and utter asshole, but as soon as he opened his mouth to sing, all was forgotten and all she wanted to do was be at his beckon call.
She remembered when she'd tour early on with her brother, he being the topic of conversation a few times.
"Brian, the two of you have probably got the best voices out there right now."
"I don't know about that, Howie," Brian said, shaking his head as he took a shot at the hoop with his basketball, "I don't hold a flame to that kid. He can sing. Have you heard his range? I can't even get that on a good day!"
"He really can sing," Nick agreed. "But aren't we supposed to like, hate them or something?"
Kevin laughed from his position on the court floor next to Nick, who was nursing a sprained ankle. "If you want to believe all the hype management is giving us, then yes. But they're just trying to do the same thing we're trying to do, kid."
"I can't believe that some record company didn't try and steal him as soon as that show was done," AJ finally murmured. "He sang the National Anthem a year after it ended and not one person said a thing. They couldn't believe that something so big came out of some guy that skinny, that quiet. He belted those words out like he had been singing that song for years. I don't think I can even name a person who has been in the industry for thirty years who could sing like he had done it."
"That voice is gonna get him a lot of attention, that's for sure."
"I don't get why Timberlake is the favored one; he's going to be the meal ticket."
"What do you think, Drine?"
She jumped from her position across the court from her sibling and cousin, confused. "About what? Who?"
"JC Chasez. You know who I'm talking about, right?"
She nodded. "Yeah, why?"
"What do you think of him, vocally?"
She smirked. "I'm pretty sure he could sing the pants off of anyone he wanted. He doesn't need charm."
Of course, singing wasn't the only thing good about his mouth. But she didn't dare say that aloud. Even now.
She walked down the hall towards her make-up room, singing softly to herself and unaware of the body slowly approaching from behind.
Baby, I don't understand
Just why we can't be lovers
Things are getting out of hand
Trying too much
But baby, we can win
Let it go
If you want me, girl
Let me know
I am down on my knees
I can't take it anymore
"I can't."
She froze, feeling his hand touch her elbow, turning her to face him. "What?"
"I can't take this anymore," he said softly, smirking at the slight quote from what she had just been singing. "I want you, Audrina. I want to be with you. I can't stand seeing you with him and I can't stand the thought of you being with him anymore than I already have. I need to have you for me, I need to have you forever."
She stood there, taking in all that he had said, all that he was. Was she ready to throw in the towel and stop trying to pretend like he wasn't there? That he didn't mean anything to her? She probably could have kept up the fight for years to come, but against him? The one man she had wanted for ever and wanted to be with just as long?
She took a step towards him, hands going to either side of his face and pulled him to her, crashing her lips against his.
She had her answer.
