"How's she been?"
He cradled the phone between his ear as he continued packing, sighing slightly as he thought of the past six and a half weeks. "She has her good days and bad days. With Brian and AJ both having to go to New York and deal with group stuff, she's only had Aundrea, Aubrey and I. She's been a lot more distant towards me the past weeks, too."
"Why? You two didn't have a fight, did you?"
He smirked at his mother's concerned tone, shaking his head at his own reflection in the mirror. "I wish it were that easy. I, uh, I kind of told her I was still in love with her.""Josh," his mother cried out, he cringing at her disappointing tone, "you know I love the two of you together, but she's happy. She's with AJ and she's happy. I can't believe you told her that. Especially now!"
"She asked me, mom. And it's not like I can lie to her, you know that. I'm a horrible liar to begin with, and then put her face in front of me when I try to lie and it's a failed mission. We were both at our weakest moment and I just admitted it to her after she asked. She found an engagement ring and I lied about it to her and then she asked me again and I admitted it was for her from a few years ago and -"
"You were going to ask her to marry you." Karen's voice stopped suddenly, no lift in her voice as a question, just suddenly stopped. It was an observation, one that she had hoped would happen years ago, and almost did. She had wanted nothing more than for her son to be happy, and for a while, she saw it coming - until he left Audrina in the middle of the night those two years ago.
He cut off her thoughts with his response, voice quiet and unsure. "Well, I was. And then I freaked and ... well, you know the rest."
"What did she say about it?"
He sighed deeply, sitting down on his bed and hanging his head low. "She didn't know what to feel. She didn't know how she felt." He got back up, going towards his dresser and pulling it open, rummaging through it for his old watch, wanting to take it and not the newer one so he didn't lose it. A sharp pain sliced through his finger as he hissed, putting his finger to his mouth as he sucked on the small cut as his mother asked him if he was all right. "I'm fine," he said, dropping his hand from his mouth and pulling all the socks out in search of the culprit from his cut. His heart sank when he found it, phone nearly dropping to the floor as he scrambling to catch it. "Mom," he said softly, "I'm going to have to call you back later." Without waiting for a response, he disconnected the call, setting the phone down and pulling the paper out and unfolding it, suddenly aware of only the words in front of him, not the throbbing of the cut on his finger.
Josh -
No matter how hard I try to understand this, to understand you leaving, I don't think I ever will - even if it was written in big, bold letters on a billboard in front of my home. I never would have pressured you into anything if you weren't ready for it, hell, if you didn't want it. Did I want to be married? Yes. Did I want to have children? Yes. But I loved you. I love you. None of that mattered when I was with you. I didn't need the white dress and the children to be happy. You made me happy. I was content with that; knowing you were by my side and I had the world in my hands. I'm not going to throw a fit and beg you to come back, to stay with me - because I, alone can't make you come back. This is your battle, your choice. I guess, in my crazy little creative mind, that we'd come to this sooner or later. I prayed it would be later, but maybe sooner was better. Sooner is better. I can say my goodbye to what we had, what I thought we had and get on with my life. I pray you never leave my life, I pray you find happiness in whatever you choose - I need to know you will.
Never thought I'd be in this place, it's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie.
The hardest part is when the bough breaks; falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me goodbye.
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day
I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. Thank you for giving me six of the most amazing years of my life that I know I'll never forget.
Audrina
He crumpled the letter in his hand, angry tears forming as he clenched his eyes shut, hearing her laughter ring in his mind, seeing her smile behind his eyelids. That part of the letter, she wrote and sold the rights to a group, it being around the time she took a break from the music industry. The moment it hit airwaves, he knew who it was written by, who it was about.
He threw the paper down, walking quickly towards his bedside table and grabbing his car keys, he running out of his home and quickly to his car, not worrying about locking up. The only worry he had was to get to where he was going.
And soon.
She held onto the acoustic guitar, eyes closed as she tried to remember the words she had been thinking of earlier on in the day, unable to get to a piece of paper or recorder to make note of the words that played on her mind like a broken record, plagued her like a terminal disease, but suddenly was cured. Suddenly, she couldn't remember the words.
She strummed, hitting a chord and shaking her head. Strumming repeatedly until she hit the right note that sounded like the word, a small smile formed on her face when she remembered.
I don't need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Success. She remembered. And just like the plague, his face returned in her mind, she continuing to strum and ad-lib, unsure of what was even coming out, but never stopping, letting the words just flow out.
With all the blessing's life can bring
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want when it comes to loving you
You're my only reason, you're my only truth
A knock on the door stopped her abruptly, she sitting only feet away from the door in her sitting area where her baby grande and acoustic guitars rested when she wasn't using them, lights dim, but bright enough for her to see the car sitting at the top of the curve in her driveway, it too familiar to her.
The knock came again, she setting her guitar down and to the side of her as she got up quickly. He never knocked, he always just came in, just like everybody did. It probably was a big issue, but at that moment, she wasn't too worried about it. "Jace?" She asked, hand to the door as she heard him say her name, it barely audible. She turned the doorknob, eyes widening as she took in his face. "Are you okay?"
He walked in, wordless, watching her as she turned, eyes still on him as she shut and locked the door. "I need you."
She shook her head slightly, taken aback by his words. "You need me? You need me to what?"
They both jumped at the roar of thunder that shook the house slightly, he dropping his keys, watching as her eyes followed them and took the risk, stepping in and grabbing her face and catching her attention, pressing his lips to hers.
I need you like water, like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy from Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms that carries me through
I need you
She gripped his wrists, pulling away in shock and breathless. "Josh -"
"I need you." It was simple, meaning more than any of the times they had short rendez-vous during the tour, his words hitting the chord in her heart that made her vulnerable to him again, letting him take her back into his arms and kiss her, mouth molding against hers like it had always done, fitting perfectly. Her stomach fluttered at the familiar touch that she had not had in such a long time, melting against him, feeling his mouth part slightly as his tongue traced her bottom lip.
You're the hope that moves me to courage again
You're the love that rescues me when the colds rage
He lifted her against him, grabbing her leg and wrapping it around his waist, she taking the cue and wrapping her other around him, mouths never parting as he took the stairs as quick as he could, literally holding her body with one arm as he reached forward, opening up her bedroom door and kicking it shut once they were in.
"Tell me this is wrong," he said softly as he broke the kiss, laying her down on the bed as she sat up, shaking her head and grabbing the collar of his shirt, pulling him to her as she used her legs to move further up onto the bed, his body barely above hers as her head hit the pillow, kissing him again.
And it's so amazing, 'cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
Her skin was hot as his fingers tugged at the hem of her shirt, bunching it up with his fingers and pulling as her body tensed, lust-filled blue meeting frightened green. "You're perfect," he said softly, kissing the newly exposed skin tenderly as he continued pulling the fabric upward and off of her body, kissing the purple scar that rested between the valley of her breasts and a few inches above. "Perfect," he murmured, bringing his mouth back up to hers and kissing her deeply.
Her fingers gripped his shoulders as his hips ground into hers, she feeling the erection against her as she broke the kiss, sitting up and pulling at his shirt, it soon off and joining hers on the floor. His hands unhooked her bra with ease, he pulling her flush up against him as the two of them knelt on the bed, her hands fumbling with the button on his jeans and his untying the drawstring of her pajama pants. Groaning when he felt her hand slide between the two fabrics, her hand bringing goosebumps to his skin as she slowly pumped him, he unable to take it as he grabbed the back of her thighs, she crying out as he put her on her back, laughing at his eagerness while undressing the both of them in mere seconds, yet getting irritated with her pants that got stuck on her ankle.
"Easy, killer," she said softly as she leaned sideways in her laying position to pull the pajama pants off and tug her boyshorts off with it, eyes teasing him as he groaned again, the warmth of their bodies already driving him crazy. "We've got all night, you know."
He nodded, pressing his lips to her collarbone and traveling down her body, remembering it like it always had been. Her hands wove through his hair, gripping it as he flicked a nipple with his tongue, closing his mouth down on it as she cried out. He couldn't help but grin, the sudden feeling of victory racing through his brain.
His hand lowered on her body, sliding between her legs and parting them to grant him access to her warmth, she dropping her jaw as her eyes fluttered shut in a silent moan as his hand cupped her, thumb caressing the bud. "I was such a fool," he murmured, lowering his head as he continued to pump inside of her, "such a fool to let you go."
"Oh, God," she murmured, biting her lip as his mouth continued where his thumb left off, she now gripping the pillow below her head, already breathing heavy as she lifted her head, watching him and feeling her heart beat fast as his eyes connected with hers, suddenly moving away from her lower half and putting his mouth to hers as she tasted herself, reaching between them and stroking him, feeling his shaft pulse between her fingers as she pumped up and down slowly, he pulling away and looking between him, head dropping to her shoulder as she continued her movements, she stopping suddenly as he looked at her, curious.
"Are you okay," he asked softly, seeing the unreadable look on her face. "Audrina, please, say something."
She licked her lips as she tried to catch her breath, eyes searching his. "I need you, too."
He felt his heart jump at her words, he placing a kiss to her forehead and then to her lips. "You don't know how good it feels to hear that."
"I don't think you know how good it is to hear you say that," she said softly, he looking down at her with a sad expression on his face. "How good it sounds ..."
He kissed her again, eyes falling closed as he entered her, she raking her nails down his back as he did so, gripping his shoulders tightly as her legs wrapped around his hips, the feeling one that she always remembered, but thought she had forgotten. Their hips moved rhythmically, slow and gentle at first, but soon, they were harder, more want-filled as he came, she biting his shoulder hard as she followed soon after, he collapsing against her, spent.
"Audrina," he said softly, voice raspy as he slowly caught his breath, watching her as she slowly licked her lips, eyes fluttering open as her head turned to meet his gaze. "I love you. I don't expect you to say it, because I know you've got AJ and -"
"You're right, I do," she said, suddenly angry at herself that she had let what had just happened, happen. She slid out from beneath him, grabbing her clothes and putting them against her body. "This was a mistake. A lust-filled mistake that should never have happened. You have to leave. Please, just leave ..." She stood there, watching as he got up, pulling on his jeans and looking at her incredulously. "JC, please. Please, don't make this harder than it already is for me. I love you, God, do I love you, but this can't happen. We can't happen. Please, just go." She turned quickly, escaping to her bathroom and shutting the door, locking it behind her as she leaned up against the door, tears burning her eyes as she dropped her clothes in anger and frustration.
"Rina, c'mon, talk to me," he said softly, "I'm not going to leave without talking about this ..."
"It's too late to talk about this," she said, voice strained from the tears. "Please, just go ... just leave me alone to pick up the mess we made."
"Audrina -"
"Josh, go!" She was sobbing now, turning her body and leaning up against the door, not knowing that he was doing the same thing on the other side. "Please, just go ..."
"Okay," he said softly, defeated. "I'll go. But just know that I don't regret this. I won't ever. I don't care how wrong it was, I will never regret it because it was with you. I love you, Audrina. When I'm on my deathbed and you're still not speaking to me, I'll still be loving you because that's who I am and what we are. I love you. I'll never stop. Not for anything, not for anyone."
She heard him leave her room and go down the stairs, clenching her eyes tightly as the tears began to fall faster, a sob escaping her throat as the events replayed over and over in her mind. "I love you, too ..."
I need you like water, like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy from Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms that carries me through
I need you
