She shuddered at the thought. Surgery. When the doctor's asked her to sit down with management and take some time off for the operation itself and recouperating time, she laughed at them. Like she'd push away the only source of sanity that kept her from thinking about her problem, from just driving off a cliff to stop any further problems from happening. They fought with her tooth and nail, told her they'd give her two weeks to tell management, tell her family. Two weeks for it to settle into her mind so that she knew what was going on and how serious it was.
Two weeks, and she had yet to do any of it.
The only thing she was worrying about was the dark-haired, dark-eyed man that was fast approaching her in the photography studio that they were all meeting up in to do a promo shoot between brother and sister, then with Boys and Audrina. She couldn't worry about anything else. Telling him, telling Brian would kill them. Telling them that she was now facing something that could be deadly would just shatter their own hearts and she knew that they wouldn't be able to contain themselves. Especially Brian, who would be thrust back into both 1998 and 2004 when he faced his deadly demon. She didn't want to bring him back into his nightmare that he finally got through. She didn't want to thrust AJ into being a witness of it all over again.
This was her demon, her own choice to face it as she wished.
Ignoring the ringing of her phone that had been ringing nonstop, she hit the silent button just as his body crushed against hers, hugging tightly. She laughed, hugging back tightly. "I missed you, too, babe," she murmured, mouth against his shoulder as he continued to hold her. "But I kind of miss my breathing right now ..."
Laughing, AJ pulled away, letting her get the oxygen in that he had pushed out of her in his hug. "Sorry, I just missed seeing your face." He put his hands to her cheeks, kissing her mouth sweetly. "Probably shouldn't get too much PDA, your brother might kill me."
She laughed, reaching up and kissing him again, wrapping her arms around his neck and sighing deeply. "He'd have to get through me first," she mumbled, eyes shooting open as she heard his voice filter through the air, pulling away and locking eyes with her big brother.
"Hey, Rinie," he grinned, dropping his messenger bag down on the floor and extending his arms, waiting for her to step into them for a hug. "I missed you!"
She stepped towards him, heart pounding as mental images shot through her mind, voices rattled in her brain as if they were happening at that very moment.
"He's awake. He's asking for you."
She looked up from her spot on the floor by his hospital room door, extending her arm for their brother Harold to help her up. "Is he, is he going to be okay?"
"Yeah, they think so. His heartbeat is a little irregular, but it may just because he's drowsy and the medication is still very much keeping his breathing off."
She nodded, getting up and brushing her backside off. "How're mom and dad?"
"It's hard for them to look at him right now," he said softly, "they almost lost him again. First at five and now at 23? Hard for parents to understand. But it's hard to understand as a sibling, too. You were barely a toddler when he first got sick."
She nodded. "I'm going in," she said, putting a comforting hand on his arm before entering, having to bite back the gasp that would have escaped her mouth as she took the first look at him since he had been wheeled in from surgery. The oxygen mask took over most of his face, skin pale, nearly transparent, eyes clouded over from medication. "Brian?"
"Hey, babysister," he greeted, forcing a smile beneath the mask and lifting his arms weakly in need of a hug from her, waiting as she crossed the room and fought tears. "Hey, now. I'm fine. No crying."
"But you -"
"I know, but I didn't," he said weakly, fingers curving for her to come closer. "But I do need a hug."
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she leaned forward, careful not to press against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her neck weakly, grasp barely there as she sobbed against his shoulder. "I thought we were going to lose you."
"Nonsense," he murmured, kissing her temple as they pulled away, "I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere. I won't be for a long time."
"How did you know," she asked, searching his face, it calm and peaceful, "how did you know you'd make it? They said they had so much trouble when they went in and -"
"I prayed. I asked God that if he took me to take me peacefully. And then he bought me Leighanne and I knew he wouldn't send someone in my life only to take me away from it shortly after. That's when I knew."
"Rinie, you okay?"
She startled, eyes popping over in her brother's direction as she stood there, frozen. When she looked at him, she saw the ghostly pale complexion, saw his sunken in cheekbones, saw the mask that hid his entire face from the world. No, she wasn't okay, that's what was going to happen to her; no, she wasn't okay!
She licked her lips, forcing a smile. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just missed you, is all."
"Well, then, come give me a hug before I tackle you to the ground or something!"
She laughed slightly, it escaping her mouth like the wind had knocked out of her. He stepped to her first, arms wrapping around her shoulders as she leaned into him, arms circling his waist. How was she going to keep this from him? How was she going to keep a straight face when every time she looked at him, all she saw was her in the near future?
"Jesus, Audrina, you're shaking," Brian said, slightly taken aback. "What's going on? Are you okay? Something happen?"
She shook her head, holding tight to her brother as he tried to pull away. "I'm fine. I just, I had a few bad days."
He gave up trying to pull away, placing a hand to the top of her head and looking at AJ, who stood there, just as confused as he was. "O-okay," he said softly, head dropping onto hers gently as she continued to shake, fighting back tears. He was helpless.
"Hey, Drina!"
She pulled away then, taking a deep breath and smiling widely as Nick and Howie entered the room, being swooped up into a hug by Nick, his body towering over most everyone in the room. "Hey, Nicky Gene," she greeted, he setting her back down on her feet as she turned to Howie, he waiting to hug her next. "Howard," she grinned, he shaking his head in disbelief as he hugged her tightly. "You guys behaving? Hope you're not reeking too much havoc without Kevin being around."
"Well, we aren't, but bachelor butthead over here is," Howie grinned as Nick stood, shocked. "Oh, don't play the dumb card, Carter," he laughed, "we all know you like macking up on those girls at clubs."
"Manwhore," Audrina grinned, feeling AJ's presence slide up beside her and slip her hand into his, a gentle squeeze following. He pulled her against his side, placing a kiss to her forehead. "But, how is the tour going? Tired yet?"
"Exhausted," Howie mumbled. "Leigh came out for a little, so it was nice to be able to see my wife again."
"Wife," Brian laughed, shaking his head, "it's so weird hearing you say that. We never thought you'd marry her, just tug her along for the ride until you were 80."
"Yeah, funny," Howie said, rolling his eyes. "I do want children."
"That's what they all say," Nick laughed. "I'm good with not marrying."
"You'd be a perfect match for JC then," Audrina cracked, they all looking at her in disbelief. "Oh, come on! You can crack the jokes but I can't?! Seriously?!"
"No, it's just weird ..." Nick said, still looking at her incredulously. "But I laugh anyway."
"You laugh when someone stubs their toe," AJ replied, Brian chuckling from beside her. "Let's get this shoot done and over with so we can go to dinner. I'm starving!"
"Rok, you always are," Nick laughed as he followed both Brian and Howie through the doors, their laughter echoing through the corridors.
Audrina turned to walk, a gentle tug on her hand stopping her. Turning, she met AJ's concerned gaze. "What? What's the matter?"
His hand reached up, cupping her cheek gently, gently caressing her skin as she leaned into his palm, eyes fluttering shut. "Why is it that I can't seem to believe you when you say you're okay," he asked softly, her eyes opening to look at him in shock, "why do I think there's something you won't tell me?"
She was the world's worst liar. Pulling off anything other than the truth, especially at that moment, would grant her a prize of some sort. "I'm just tired, J. Tired, homesick, I don't get to see you ... doesn't really put you in the greatest of moods."
"Okay," he said softly, leaning into and pressing his lips to hers, it a long, lingering one. "Okay. I believe you."
She closed her eyes, leaning her forehead to his and bringing her hand up to cup the back of his head, fingers weaving in the slight curls that had been growing out. How had she pulled that off? His forehead moved upward, her head moving along as he placed a kiss to the bridge of her nose and to her own forehead. "I'm okay now. I'm okay."
"Promise me that if something is wrong, you'll tell me," he said softly, mouth moving against her skin at her forehead, "promise me that if something happens and you have to go to the doctor, you'll tell me. I want to be there for you. I don't want you to go through it alone."
She nodded, hand coming up and pressing against his chest, feeling his heart beat pretty quickly beneath the shirt. "I know you wouldn't," she said softly. "But believe me when I say I'm fine. The doctor gave me some medicine to ease the stomach pain and I'm fine now. It's just their food. I get sick every time. That's all that was wrong."
"All right. Well, let's go get those photos taken, shall we?" He pulled away, giving her a broad smile and reaching for her hand, tugging her to follow him through the doors. "I'm ready to eat, too."
She smiled slightly, it falling from her face completely as she watched the back of his head as they walked. She wasn't okay. Not only had she lied to him, but she had lied to her brother. She lied that she wasn't sick and she lied when she felt fine. Since she found out, she felt as if she were going to collapse in fright, die of how scared she was.
"I'm not all right," she said softly, low enough that she knew he wouldn't hear, "I'm scared to death."
"There's something wrong with Audrina."
He felt his heart leap in his throat as he stood face to face with Aundrea, eyes widening. "What do you mean there's something wrong? Is she okay? Did she get into an accident?!"
"I don't know what is wrong," she said, stepping into JC's home as he opened the door wider, welcoming her in. "I mean, she doesn't call me anymore. Everytime I call her, she either doesn't answer or makes an excuse two minutes into it about how she's busy and has to go and will call me back. She never calls me back. I'm beginning to think that I'm friends with her voicemail and not her."
"Well, maybe that's just it: that she's busy," he shrugged, sitting down on his couch and picking up his pen, writing where he had left off. "That does happen; especially overseas. A lot more popculture resides over there. People thrive on it more."
"This isn't her, JC." Aundrea sat down next to him, reading over the words he was writing. "She doesn't just ignore people she cares about."
"I wouldn't know," he murmured, eyes never leaving the paper. "I wouldn't know who she cared about anymore, being that I'm not on that list."
"Oh, that's bullshit and you know it," Aundrea said, rolling her eyes. "You were one of her best friends, JC. She still cares about you, regardless of who she's with now and what went on between the two of you. Who was there through it all? You. Who was there when she got sick? You. When Brian got sick? You again."
"Things change."
"Feelings don't. Not unless someone wants them to. And I know she doesn't want to lose you, JC." She smirked, reading the words once more. "It doesn't seem like you want to, either."
Everybody knows
That I was such a fool
To ever let go of you
But, baby, I was wrong
Yeah, I know I said
We'd be better off alone
It was time that we moved on
I know I broke your heart
I didn't mean to break your heart
He pulled the paper away from her line of sight, folding it up and putting it in his pocket. "You have no idea what I feel."
"I don't?" She laughed, standing up and looking down at him, feeling powerful from where she stood. "You love her. You're mad as hell that he's got something you've wanted for the last eight years and had for six. You're jealous. Pissed that he may get the one thing you've decided you actually do want because you were too afraid to face it. You're angry at yourself for not telling her sooner how much you love her. Pissed that AJ finally said how he felt and it wasn't you she ran to at that airport and kissed. You're pissed that he's getting her all to himself after all this time and you're left with nothing but memories. Pissed that you couldn't gather the courage that day in her dressing room and let it all out. You're pissed that she's finally happy and you're not. Am I close?"
"Not even," he murmured, feeling his heart race. Had he been that evident? Was it written all over his face?
"Right, Chasez. Look, I didn't come here to throw this all in your face. I know that you're the one she'll talk to. I know she'll open up to you. There is something wrong and she's not telling anyone. Both AJ and Brian have called me to see if I knew. There's something in her eyes that she's holding back and they can't get her to spill. She keeps lying saying she's okay, but everytime she says that, it looks like she's going to break. If I didn't have to fly clear across the nation to be in New York tomorrow, I'd be on a plane going to Australia to corner her about it. But even if I did it, she wouldn't talk. She wouldn't talk to me like she talks to you. You're the only one who can get her to open up. There's something she's hiding."
"Maybe she's not hiding anything and just feels overwhelmed with all of the stuff going on," he said, she shaking her head as he arched an eyebrow, watching as she dug through her purse and thrust a piece of paper in front of him, he unfolding it with his eyes widening. "What is this?"
"Just look at it, JC."
He looked down, taking in Audrina's lost look on her face, took in how she stood, shoulders slumped, hands grasped together. "Where -" he stopped, taking in the sign behind her. "Hospital? What's she doing at a hospital?"
"They have a cardiac ward," she said, JC's eyes widening. "This was in one of the tabloids and I know that Brian and AJ don't look at that stuff, though I don't know if it's over there, anyway. I haven't told them, because I don't want this all blowing up in her face if she's just waiting on the right time to say something is wrong or that she just went to get checked over. But she was there. AJ said she had gone to the doctor, and since that day, she's been acting a little weird."
"And you want me to say something."
"Yes," she said, nodding. "I'm scared, Jace. What if something is wrong and she's hiding it from everyone? What if there's something wrong and she's holding it off? What if she refuses treatment? I can't see her dying -"
"Stop," he said, getting up and grabbing her shoulders. "She's fine. It's Audrina. She's fine."
"Do you not rememeber the last time she said she was fine? She ended up in the hospital. You ended up riding in an ambulance with her!"
"Okay, okay," he held his hands up, stopping her from going on, "I'll think of something. I'll ... I'll get to the bottom of this. I don't know why I'm agreeing to this, since she made a fool of me, but I'll think of something."
"You're agreeing to this because you love her, JC. You care about her just as much as we all do. Even if you're not with her, you've gotta save AJ from seeing the pain you did. He won't be able to deal with it, and you know it. He can handle her being sick, but if he knows that it's life-threatening, I don't know how he's gonna stand.""I don't want him to see that."
"No one does."
Sighing deeply as he followed Aundrea to the door, he gave her a small frown. "All right. I'll think of something, I'll talk to her. I don't know how much she is going to be willing to listen, if she even answers her phone, but I'll try. If it's serious and she's not letting anyone help her, hopefully, she'll listen to me and tell her brother, at least. He can help her. He's been through it."
Aundrea nodded. "I told you, she'll listen to you. Your opinion matters more than anyone else's -"
"God knows why ..."
"Because it's you, JC. You have always mattered, above all else. Just, get through to her, okay?"
He nodded. "I'll try."
"I'll call you sometime this week to see what happened," she said, turning to walk away. "Oh, and I'm sorry about hitting you."
He laughed slightly, shaking his head. "It's fine. I deserved it."
"Yeah, you did," she chuckled. "I'll talk to you soon."
He nodded, watching as she got into her car and drove away, he closing the door and sighing deeply. How the hell was he going to pull this one off?
She was at the hospital. Maybe it was just because of being sick. Maybe she had the stomach flu and the doctor's sent her there to get hydrated. Maybe ... maybe that's where the doctor was. In a clinic that the hospital had. Like the one in San Franscisco that he had been with her at when she had strep throat. Maybe that was it.
But maybe she was sick. Maybe something was going on with her heart and she was scared shitless. Scared shitless and hiding it all from everyone because she didn't worry them, in true Audrina fashion. Maybe they wanted to go in with the scope earlier than they thought to clear her valves. That wasn't too serious. Not serious enough to have her holding things back from her best friends.
Whatever the possibility, he had to get through to her. He couldn't lose her.
He sat back down, setting the crumpled music sheet down and smoothing it away, and jotting down another few lines.
I was lying to myself
Now I'm dying in this hell
Girl, I know you're mad
I can't blame you for being mad ...
