"I still can't believe you busted out a Kevin line," AJ smirked, shaking his head as he drove down the road for their night out, Audrina smiling weakly from beside him, wiped out from her migraine and tired from her show. "You're dead to me. God, I can only imagine how he felt when that was said."

"AJ?"

He glanced over at her, the moon reflecting on her pale skin and giving her an eerie glow, he slightly taken aback. "Yeah?"

"Can we not talk about it? Or him?"

"Yeah," he said softly, reaching over and grasping her hand, squeezing gently and going to release, her hold on his hand still there, he letting her continue to hold it, "we can talk about how amazing your show was tonight if you'd like."

"I'd rather not talk about anything that happened today."

"Not even my ... humping the floor?"

She chuckled then, looking over at him and shrugging. "I missed seeing that. But I don't know how much of a conversation we can get out of that."

"Well, humping the floor can go many ways. Mostly dirty, in my mind, but you know." He winked at her, glancing in the rearview mirror as the lights from the city disappeared, she looking on in confusion. "I figured you wouldn't want to be around all those people after today," he said softly, an appreciative look cast upon her face, heart slightly jumping when she lifted his hand, kissing it gently. "I'll take you away from it all, even if it's just for a couple of hours."

"I'd welcome it," she murmured, bringing her other hand to cover theirs and leaning her head back on the seat of the rental car. "Where are we going?"

"Do you remember the night before I went into rehab? When you flew up to be my support and your brother's?"

She nodded. "That was such a heartbreaking day ..."

"Well, do you remember how Nick and I disappeared in the middle of the night and you all thought I bailed?"

She laughed. "Kevin wanted to kill you."

"Yeah, well ... Nick took me somewhere that just made me realize that I was doing the right thing. I didn't have voices coming every which way telling me what to do, what not to do; it was just me, and obviously Nick, and this place." He turned up a dirt road adjacent to a park, she looking out the window in confusion. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna like, kill you and dump your body," he joked, she turning to grin at him as he parked the car, waiting for her to release his hand as he got out, she following and stepping up beside him. "Do you trust me?"

She raised an eyebrow in suspicion, looking down at his outstretched hand and sliding hers into it gently. "As long as you don't kill me or drop me off of that cliff or something ..."

He grinned, squeezing reassuringly as he led her through the small wooded area and up a trail that consisted mostly of rocks and debris. "Just, be careful. I don't have a flashlight and I don't need you to be breaking your ankle or something."

"It would be a major bummer, especially since you wouldn't be around for me to whine to."

"I'd smother you with a pillow."

"Sad part is, you probably would."

He laughed, tugging her so that she was closer, she grabbing onto the beltloop of his jeans as he held her hand, keeping her steady as they climbed to the top. It took about five minutes of them walking to reach flat and sturdy land, he stopping and waiting as she walked up to stand next to him. She reached for his hand once more, eyes settled on the clear sky ahead of them and the city lights below. "Welcome to my escape from the world," he said softly, she looking over at him. "This, this is where Nick took me. Little Nick Carter knows more about life than anyone gives him credit for, that's for damn sure," he chuckled. "Four hours we sat here. Four hours sitting here and he let me vent, scream, cry ... and it was only heard by him," he looked upward and closed his eyes, "and anyone up there that chose to listen."

"But what if I don't want to talk," she asked softly as he tugged her to follow him, walking closer to the edge but far enough away to keep her fear of heights at ease. "What if I don't want to talk about this ever?"

"Then, we take in the beautiful scenery and you can know that I'm here if that ever goes away and you do want to talk," he said softly. "I'm not gonna let you go down that road I know you're headed, D; that's not gonna happen while I'm alive. You're better than this, better than what you're letting yourself think you deserve. It's just another fork in the road that you've gotta decide which way to go. And whichever way you choose, you gotta know we're all behind you: Brian, Aubrey, Aundrea ... the boys. I'm behind you. There's no way in hell I'd leave you stranded. You are one of the only people in my life that I've got that is a stable support."

"I just don't understand where I went wrong," she said softly, biting her lip to stop it from trembling as tears formed, a few falling as she swiped at them clumsily, "was I not good enough for him? Did he not love me?"

"God, he loved you more than you realize," he said softly, touching her shoulder and turning her to look at him, his hands resting on either side of her face, "he still does, Drine. In his fucked up head, letting you go, no matter how hard, how difficult it may be, is the best thing for you. He let you go to find someone who'd make you happier, who'd be able to give you what he was afraid he was incapable of. You did nothing wrong, it was his decision. I know he regrets letting you go, but it's one thing that you need to take from this that I know you don't want to see: he let you go before it got worse. He walked away before it got tougher on you when you knew it would end. No matter how hard it was, it would have been even harder, being closer to something that never would have happened, though you wished it would. He saw the flashing red lights, he saw the hurt in your eyes. He let you go before you couldn't even look at him anymore."

"I lost the one person that has been there since the beginning," she murmured, hiccuping as she fought back more tears, "he was the only one who cared about me and now I feel as if I have to start all over again, learn how to find someone ..."

"Hey," he said softly, reaching for her chin and tipping it up so that she was looking at him, "he wasn't the only one who cared about you. You gotta remember, I've known you since you were Nick's age. I saw you grow up, I saw you turn into this amazing woman, this amazing, beautiful woman. He's not the first guy to fall head over heels for you. He just made it known when it happened."

"Don't lie," she chuckled as AJ shook his head, laughing at her disbelief, "you're just trying to make me feel better."

"Nah," he said, smiling slightly, "well, I am, but it's the truth. You thought you were invisible, but I saw you. I always did."

Her eyes slowly widened, mouth shaping into an 'O' as she searched for words. "W-when?"

He shrugged. "Probably from around the time I was eighteen until maybe ... 24?"

She was quiet, unable to grasp that the rebellious, tattooed man had ever fallen for the girl she was. "Why'd you stop?"

"If I remember correctly, his name was JC," he chuckled, "I saw how you were around him and I realized that I never would have gotten that." He placed a kiss to her forehead, smoothing the flyaway hairs down to her head. "But I accepted it when I saw how happy you were; that was all I ever wanted for you. And he gave that to you for six long years. Six long years that tortured the hell outta me when I kept having failed relationship upon failed relationship." He sat down on the ground, bringing his knees close to his chest as she followed, putting the cigarette he had brought out back out of respect for her and her heart. "Nick crushed on you for a while, too. Not as long as me, only because his attention span is that of a goldfish sometimes, but you had both our hearts and you had no idea."

"And you tell me now," she said softly, sitting down next to him and leaning back onto her elbows, staring up at the stars and sighing deeply, letting the silence cover them like a warm blanket. She had always loved AJ in one way or another, but it was difficult to grasp that he had loved her. He was a flirt, an addictive personality, a short-fused man and sometimes a little too hard-headed. But beneath that exterior, he was the sweetest, kindest man she had ever come into contact with. He cared about everyone in his life, be it someone he just met clear to the furthest branch on his family tree.

They had been closer when she was younger, she visiting on tour more often than not before she herself got signed, always spending time with he and her brother. Even though they had drifted apart in the timeframe that she and JC had dated, she knew he was still one of the few people that she had that she could always rely on, always turn to when she needed it. He would never argue, never try and fix things without knowing if the person wanted help fixing it and never made someone feel small.

She leaned into the warmth of his body, his lifting his arm and wrapping it around her shoulders in comfort as she sighed sadly, burying her face into his shirt and inhaling his familiar scent: faint cologne, deodorant and cigarettes. Even though she hated the cigarettes, it was a home-like welcome to her when he hugged her, or held her as he was now.

"J?" She turned her head so that she was looking out in the same direction as him, reaching up and wiping the stray tear that had fallen down her face. When he responded when a slight hum, she swallowed her pride and asked something she never would have if not given the circumstance. "You loved me?"

He shifted, sitting up straight and clearing his throat as he nodded slowly, licking his lips and finally speaking. "Yes. I did."

"When you were eighteen."

"Roughly," he nodded, blinking slowly as she pulled away from him, studying his face, different, but the same to her all at once. "But, as I liked to say, it was only puppy love."

"But you were 24 when -"

He chuckled, dropping his hands to his lap as he looked over at her, "I was in denial, I guess. That, and I tried to make excuses of it all because I had a watchful eye over me because of it."

She smirked, playing with her fingers. "Brian?"

"Rok?! Hell no. Kevin." AJ grinned, hand going to his face and scratching it, fingers against his goatee sounding like sandpaper. "He saw the way I looked at you and I got my masculinity threatened to be cut off if I even made an attempt with it. That, and he swore he'd tell Brian if I tried anything."

"Like either would do anything to you," she said softly, feeling AJ reach over and take her hands, he now playing with her fingers rather than her. "And besides, I decided who I wanted to be with -"

"Not when you were sixteen, you didn't," he laughed. "Especially when it dealt with the baby sister and cousin of two bandmates. As much as you hated Kevin's hawk-like watch over you when you were around, he meant well. And Brian tried to let you do your own thing, but he wanted to protect you more than anything. And they knew me. They knew I was completely opposite of you, knew I liked the alcohol, the sex. They sheltered you from that and that was a good thing."

"Who's to say I don't like sex and alcohol?" She raised an eyebrow, AJ laughing as he patted her hand, still holding onto it. "I'm serious! I'm not Brian, J. I'm not a typical Littrell."

"Brian isn't as good as you think he is, either," AJ smirked, "he just chose to keep that part of his life unknown to most. He knew what happened between you and JC and what didn't between you and any of the other guys you dated, he wasn't stupid. None of us were. God, that killed me. They were all so happy that you were with him and in love and I was just so crazy about it, putting on this happy front on the outside and growing even more jealous by the minute."

"If we," she stopped, biting her lip and looking at him, "if you would have said something, do you think we would have lasted?"

AJ looked at her, taken aback. Licking his lips, he shrugged. "After I scraped the remains of my body off of whatever part of the earth Kevin and Brian mutilated me on, maybe. All I wanted was for you to be happy, and if it were with me, then yeah, I'd do everything in my power to make you the happiest girl alive. I don't know what it was about you, D, but you were my everything back then."

"And now?"

"You're more than that," he smiled, getting up as she looked on, he stretching before walking little ways away, looking out into the city. "It killed me when you got sick. Killed me when I saw just how broken you were when JC left you. You had everything, then suddenly, it all just slowly was pulled out from beneath you and there was nothing I could do to keep it from happening or stopping it in it's tracks. I knew that JC wasn't happy, but I couldn't do anything -"

"Whoa, wait." She got up, brushing off her backside and walking quickly over to him, "you knew?"

He swallowed, slowly nodding. "He said he told you. Said he was having doubts and you told him to take the space and think about it. He said he tried so hard to shake the feelings he had been getting because he loved you, but he couldn't. He loved you, Audrina. He loved you so much that it killed him to be thinking what he was thinking. It killed me to know that. He was my friend, but you were more than that. I guess I just thought it was some weird sort of phase he was going through because most men do get cold feet when they know it's close to the 'we've been together for a long time, it's time to make it permanent' phase. But he ... he bailed and I felt horrible."

Her stare was blank as she stared at him, blinking slow. "I can't believe you," she murmured, "you knew. You knew all along and didn't tell me?!"

"What the hell did you want me to do, Drina? Drag out the process? Let you know and just let the two of you go at it like to bats out of hell and make it more miserable between the two of you?! Like hell I would!"

"Do you not remember what happened today?! We're not exactly Paris and Nicole!"

"Who the hell would want to be them?! Drina, look, I know I should have said something, but damnit, I was thinking about you. I wanted him to say it to you. To not be a coward that I know he's not and say it to you, but he didn't. He couldn't face what he felt. He ran because he couldn't bear to look at you and feel what he felt. He loved you, we all fucking knew it. He probably loves you still! He'd be stupid not to -"

"Right, just like you not telling me that you did?"

"Okay, so I made two mistakes on my part," he snapped, stepping towards her as she walked away, "but I'm not the only one who makes mistakes, Audrina! We're all fucking human! Like you kissing Jake and JC catching you!" He saw the look of disbelief on her face, nodding smartly, "yeah, I know about that! Everyone does! Might wanna watch who you kiss, otherwise he'll go running off to the papers! At least JC had the decency to make sure that you were okay after all this shit happened! At least he still wanted to be a part of your life! Where's Jake, huh? Where's he at now, Audrina?!"

"That has nothing to do with this -"

"You're right. And my knowing has nothing to do with it either because I'm not the only one who knew! So stop playing angry with everyone and just face up to the truth: it's over! It's over, all right?! As much as I wish it wasn't for you, even the little eighteen-year-old part of me, it is! He doesn't want to get into something with you because he knows it'll all be the same all over again! He's not stupid, D! He knows you may say one thing, but he knows you! We all do! His life is not the life you want and we all know that you attempting to make believe in a life that you would have with him if he chose to stop pushing you away! But he's pushing you away for a reason, Audrina; he's pushing you away so you actually find someone who wants to give you that life."

"Like who? You?!"

"Six to twelve years ago, yes!"

Her hands dropped in defeat, shoulders slumping slowly as AJ watched her exterior begin to slowly crumble. Fat tears formed in her eyes, body beginning to shake as he closed the space between them quickly, his arms wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her to him as she sobbed, hands clenching his t-shirt. Hot tears soaked through to his skin, as he placed a gentle kiss to the top of her head, turning so his chin rested on her. "I'm sorry I said that," he said softly as her body shook them both with her sobs, tears forming in his own eyes as he closed them. "I'd do anything for you, D, and you know that. But I can't go and change someone's heart. I can't get him to suddenly feel the same way as you do with relationships. That's just not going to happen; it won't work."

She pulled away from him, arms shaky as she wiped her eyes without making eye contact with him. "Can you just ... can we go home?"

He nodded, stepping away from her and shocked to feel her hand latch onto his tightly, leading her silently back down the trail and back to his car. The entire ride to the hotel was silent, as was the trip in the elevator and to her door. "I'll see you in the morning," he said, unsure of what else to say, "call me if you need anything tonight, okay? I'm only a few doors down." He leaned forward, placing a kiss to her forehead, her fingers holding his shirt gently. "I really am sorry."

She nodded, feeling his body warmth leave her and she soon became frantic, needing that comfort, the familiar warmth. "Alex?"

He turned his head, meeting her sad gaze, "yeah?"

"Will you stay here tonight?" She swallowed hard, seeing his eyes widen. "With me?"

"I don't think it'd be the best thing for -"

"Please?"

He melted with her voice and the face she gave him just like he had years ago, surrendering. "Sure. I just have to go get clothes to sleep in. I'll be back in a minute."

She nodded, turning on her heel slowly and putting the key in front of the activator, waiting for it to unlock the door. Stepping in and being hit in the face with cool air, she sighed deeply and tossed her phone and key to the table by the door, leaving it slightly open so that AJ could get in. She was completely exhausted from her tears, her frustrations of the day. Pulling on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, she walked to her bed that seemed so far away, collapsing onto it and crawling underneath the covers.

Lying on her side, she felt her eyelids grow heavy, unable to fight sleep anymore than she had. So much for waiting up for AJ.



A shift in her bed brought her slowly out of her light sleep, the familiar scent that she had been smelling filtering once more into her nose as a small smile formed on her face. "Took you long enough," she murmured, turning onto her back and looking over at him, he giving her a sheepish smile. "How long have I been asleep?"

"About twenty minutes," he said softly, turning on his side and waiting for her to do the same, arm going over her body in search of her hand, it resting at her belly. "You know, this probably isn't the greatest thing to do," he chuckled. "Someone could walk in and think we're sleeping together."

"We've done this how many times and now you're worried about it," she asked, laughing slightly. "Just be glad I'm letting your blanket hogging self in this bed."

"It's not my fault you kick the covers off and I just-so-happen to take them," he defended, yawning deeply as she squeezed his hand once more. "I am sorry about holding that stuff from you, though ..."

"I don't want to even think about that stuff anymore," she mumbled, "it only makes me weaker. I gotta move on."

"That's my girl," he said softly, burying his face into her shirt and breathing deeply, making a memory of one of the many times they used to lie in bed like that when he came to visit after she got sick, and when they were younger. She just wanted comfort and company, he wanted a reason to be near her. "It'll be hard, but we're all here to help you, D; we're not gonna let you go at it alone."

"I know," she said, fingers tracing his tattoos. After a few moments of silence, he thinking that she had fallen asleep, she spoke again. "Alex?"

He lifted his head from against her back, trying to make out her face in the dark. "Yeah?"

"If JC had never come into the picture, would you still have cared about me?"

"No doubt," he said quickly, eyes still searching for reason behind her question, "why?"

"I don't know, I ..." she stopped, sighing deeply. "I just, I wish I knew what it felt like to be loved again, because I think I've forgotten."

"Everyone that you're around loves you, D," he said softly. "Don't ever question that."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do, I -"

"No, J," she turned back onto her back, still holding his hand as she met his confused gaze, "do you still love me?"

His face was blank as he let the question register, he biting his lip. Her green eyes looked eerie under the light of the moon, almost metallic, hair already bed-worn, face tired. Did he still love her? This was the same girl he had fallen for more than twelve years ago, the same girl he watched fall in love and then get her heart broken while he stood on the sidelines and watched it all happen. The same girl that he shared a bed with when the two of them couldn't sleep or had a bad day; the same girl who he let kiss her just because; just because they meant more to each other than anyone would understand, even when he was half-way on the other side of the world and she was dating someone else (though they never kissed on the lips when they were with someone); the same girl that grew up right in front of him into a woman that he could see breaking his heart unintentionally because hers was still partially belonging to someone who wasn't even sure where his heart lie. This was the woman that he'd take all the pain and burden from just so she'd be happy, just so he'd see that smile that made him smile again. "Yeah, I think I do."

She nodded, turning back on his side as he sighed deeply, lying back onto the pillow, turning his head and staring at the spot between her shoulder blades, eyes burning from the blank stare. He wasn't expecting a response, hell, he wouldn't have had one, either.

But it would have made the moment a little more comfortable.

He closed his eyes, willing sleep to come as she shifted again, she now lying on her side facing him, eyes meeting his slowly opening ones. "Thank you for loving me," she said softly, a tiny smile playing on her face as he nodded, unsure of how to respond. (Somehow, 'you're welcome' didn't seem appropriate). "Though it may not be the best timing, it still makes me feel a little better."

She lie her head on his chest, his arm around her as he sighed deeply. He was pretty sure she could feel his heart beating fast as he relived the nights events. She had a breakdown and he admitted he was in love with her.

Talk about a rollercoaster.

Sighing once more, he closed his eyes, softly singing a song that reminded him so much of her in his head, making a note to let her listen to it the next morning. Maybe it'd make her feel slightly better. Maybe it'd make him feel slightly better about her now knowing he was in love with her.

Sifting through shattered dreams
Living in the inbetween
Baby, babe, it's gonna be all right
And when you're lost, let down
Disappointed and jerked around
In this cold, cold world
I will always be by your side ...