Jen released a deep breath when she finally let herself in the front door, smiling at the warmth of the Chasez house. The smells of cider and chocolate hung in the air, creating a welcoming feel that the entire neighborhood seemed to be enjoying. Glancing down at her watch, she sighed when she saw that it was a quarter to eight. Well, I guess fashionably late is better than not at all.

She nodded and smiled at a few of her neighbors as she removed her coat and hung it on the rack in the hallway. Straightening her sparkling red blouse over her black dress pants, she fluffed her curled hair out of her collar and made sure her necklace was free of her shirt before turning to head through the living room toward the kitchen. Her smile became a grin when she heard JC’s laughter, then she froze when the crowd separated enough to reveal the blonde he was talking to. She couldn’t look away when he leaned close to hear what she was saying, his arm around her, a grin brightening his features while her hand rubbed over his thigh. The blonde returned his smile, then let her fingers squeeze his leg as she scooted closer, pressing herself against him, obviously enjoying the coziness of the loveseat.

Echoes of old voices began bouncing around Jen’s mind, and she blinked, trying to think past them. Moving quickly through the room, she stepped into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, taking a deep breath. She’d known who the blonde was at first glance. Candice Patterson. The spoiled brat who’d treated him like trash at the sixth-grade prom. Only now, she was all grown up – tall, beautiful, tan and with the perfect figure. Totally camera-ready.

“Seriously, Jen? You really thought there was a chance he could want you?”

Pain streaked through her heart as the self-admonishment from years ago suddenly came flying to her, taking her breath as she fought back tears. Swallowing around the lump that was trying to form in her throat, she looked up when someone came in from the dining room. Seeing that it was Heather, she forced a smile and stepped away from the counter. “Hey, H. Can I help with anything?”

“It’s good to see you finally made it. You look fabulous, Jen. Definitely worth the wait.” Heather laughed, reaching into a cabinet for a small stack of plates. “And no, everything’s under control. After all the work you’ve done today, if Mom heard me asking you to help, she’d have my hide. Josh told me to let you know he was looking for you, though.”

“Yeah, I … uh, he’s a little busy right now.”

“Well, go get him. Whatever he’s doing can’t be all that important.”

“No, he’s having a good time and I don’t want to bother him. He knows I’m supposed to be here. If he wants to see me, he’ll come find me.”

“Okay.” The younger girl gave her an odd look before heading back out of the kitchen. “Well, come on, then. There’s food to eat, you know.”

For the next two hours or more, she floated around the house, chatting with various neighbors, cutting up with Ty and Heather, and laughing with Aaron and Shane, two of the Chasez cousins. Every now and again, she’d pass through the living room, trying not to let the pair on the loveseat get to her. But even as she kept herself together, the nagging little voice at the back of her mind pointed out that she’d walked directly past him at least five times and he hadn’t even acknowledged her. No smile, no hello, no wave … not even a blip of recognition.

She’d just made her way into the kitchen to help pack up the leftovers when Ty came up beside her. “Are you okay, Jen? You’ve been … different tonight.”

“I’m fine.” Her lips tilted up in a ghost of a smile. “It’s just been a long day and I’m tired.”

“Uh huh.” He studied her for a moment, his eyes narrowing on her face. “Any particular reason why you’re avoiding my brother?”

“Have you seen your brother? He’s been preoccupied.” With a sigh, she looked over at him. “I haven’t been avoiding him at all. I’ve been all over this house tonight, I’ve gone through your living room at least five times, and he’s obviously enjoying the company he’s found.” She bumped him with her shoulder. “He’s allowed to spend his time with whoever he wants, you know. It’s okay, Ty.”

“No, it’s not.” His brow furrowed. “Who is she, anyway?”

“Candice Patterson. We knew her in grade school.”

“And she’s so interesting now because …?”

“Well, she was his first crush. His first date, really. She grew up very nicely. And apparently, they’ve got a lot to say to each other.” Shrugging, she reached for a bowl on the counter. “Her parents live on the next block, so she’s probably visiting for the holidays.” Picking up the mug she’d been using earlier, she drained the last of her hot chocolate and held the bowl out to him. “How about we get to helping with the clean up? Take this to your mom for her leftover meatballs, okay?”

Ty still didn’t look happy as he obeyed, shaking his head as he left the room. Closing her eyes, she took a steadying breath before heading for the living room to see if there was anything that needed to be picked up. As she stepped into the doorway, she came to a sudden halt when she saw Candice moving close to JC in the front hallway, leaning forward to rest her hands on his waist and give him a lingering kiss on the lips, then moved over to kiss him again just at the corner of his mouth. He didn’t object, didn’t push her away, and when the blonde stepped back to smile at him, there was a red lipstick imprint on his skin.

“Look at yourself, stupid … he pretty much came straight out and said you couldn’t have him. He’s one of a kind, remember? You’re a dime a dozen, girl. Nothing special. Totally unremarkable. You can still love him, but it’ll never be what you were stupid enough to hope for. Accept that you’ll never be enough for him and move on.”

All those words from that far away summer came rushing back, Luke’s relentless belittling mixing with her own thoughts as they rang in her ears anew. The pain from before returned ten-fold, throbbing through every inch of her body. Suddenly, she felt as if she couldn’t breathe, as if she were drowning in the loud voices screaming through her head. Turning quickly, Jen hurried toward the back door of the house, blinking away the tears that were beginning to blur her vision.

As she was about to reach the door, Aaron came into the kitchen, skidding to a stop as she flew by him. Reaching out, he grabbed her arm. “Whoa, Jen. What’s the hurry?”

“I-I just really need to get home.” She sniffled, refusing to look at him. “It’s been a long day, and I need a break.”

“Okay.” He pulled her around, his eyes widening at the distress in her face. “Hey, now, it’s okay. Don’t you want your coat?”

“N-no.” Just the thought of retrieving her coat from the hallway had a tear streaming down her cheek. “I’m fine. I’ll pick it up tomorrow.”

“Okay, okay.” Not letting her go, he reached to the hooks beside the door, taking down a flannel coat. “Here, take mine. I’m gonna walk with you, all right? I don’t want you taking that path in the dark by yourself.” She nodded, sliding her arms into the sleeves as he draped the coat around her. “Do you need anything else?”

“No. Just take me home. Please.”

“All right, Jenny. Come on.” He opened the door for her, letting her pass through ahead of him, his worried eyes meeting Heather’s before following her onto the back porch. By the time they reached the woods, she was sniffling repeatedly and clearing her throat. He let his hand settle on her shoulder. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. We were never official, so he’s free to do whatever he wants.” She shrugged. “I just wasn’t expecting … I-I guess I never considered that I’d have to see him doing whatever he wants.”

“You were never official? With Josh?”

“Yeah.” With a small smile, she looked up at him. “When he left for Sweden, he asked me to wait for him. That’s what I wanted, so I did.”

“You waited for him?”

“Uh huh.” She sniffled again. “I still am. Or was. Whatever.”

“You’re still waiting for him?” His tone was confused. “But he’s back now. Why are you still having to wait for him?”

“I’ve got another year of school and he’s thinking they’ll be travelling a lot to get the album redone.” Shaking her head, she laughed softly. “He has this idea that just because he’s not physically with me, he can’t be there for me. I understand that, because I want to be able to be with him, too.” A deep sigh escaped. “But really, we never put labels on anything, and I’ve been trying my best not to expect more from him. We’ve never even been on an actual date, for God’s sake. There’s no reason for me to be this upset.”

“You can be as upset as you want.” Aaron let his arm wrap around her shoulders, pulling her into his side. “You love the guy, and he’s done something that hurts you. You’re allowed a few tears, Jen.”

“I know it’s stupid, but I want to be his. And until tonight, I was hoping that maybe he wanted to be mine, too.” They broke through the trees into her side yard, and she took a deep, shaky breath. “It kind of says a lot when tall, gorgeous and camera-ready walks in and suddenly he can’t see anything else. I mean, I’ve always known I’m not his type, that I’d probably never be more than just one of the guys, but I couldn’t help wishing …” Teary brown eyes came up to meet his. “She’s my exact opposite, Aaron. How am I supposed to compete with that?”

“You don’t have to. You’re the most beautiful girl any of us have ever seen. I still have that issue of People with you on the cover to prove it.” He hugged her to his chest, letting her sniffle again. “Josh was the first one to see it, so I’m not sure what happened tonight.” Setting her away from him, he gave her a reassuring smile and kissed her cheek. “Like you said, it’s been a really long day, so why don’t you head on in and get to bed? It’ll look better in the morning, I promise.”

“Tell Aunt Karen she can keep any of the leftovers she wants.” Her brow furrowed. “And if Josh bothers to ask, just tell him I was tired and I’ll see him tomorrow.”

“Okay, I will.” Following her up onto the back porch, he made sure she made it inside, sending her a grin when she passed his coat to him. “I’ll see you at brunch, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Aaron.”

“No problem.” He waited until he’d heard her lock the door, then made quick tracks back the way they’d come, fighting down the panic beginning to claw at his spine.

*********************

“Oh, wow.” Candice looked down at her watch, then smiled at him. “It’s nearly ten thirty. What time was this supposed to end?”

“About half an hour ago.” Shaking his head, JC checked his own watch to be sure, then glanced around at the empty room. “That’s crazy.”

“I know. I should probably go.” She patted his leg again, then stood, arching her brows at him. “Walk me out?”

“Sure.” Getting to his feet, he followed her into the hallway, never noticing her glance up at the mistletoe hanging in the doorway. “Did you have a coat?”

“Nope.” Turning to him, she stepped close, her hands coming to his waist as she leaned in and kissed him. He froze, not responding, and she moved from his lips to the corner of his mouth before backing away. “I think that should probably help me get home.” Smiling, she slipped her fingers into the pocket of her dress and pulled out a small wallet. Retrieving a card, she reached up and slid it into the chest pocket of his dress shirt. “If you’re ever in California, you should look me up. I think we could probably have a great time.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” He turned, following her to the door as he pulled the card back out and handed it to her. “Sorry.”

“Really?” Green eyes sharpened on him. “I thought we did pretty well tonight. Why not?”

“Because …” His gaze fell on the coat hanging on the rack in the hall, and his heart stopped in his chest. “Jenny.”

“Jenny?” Her tone colored in disbelief. “The mousy brunette who used to follow you around everywhere?”

“She didn’t follow me around. She was my best friend.” Swallowing hard, he turned to look back down the hallway. “She still is. More than my friend, actually.”

“I don’t believe it.” Candice let out a brief laugh. “The girl in the sparkly red blouse, right? I saw her walk by a few times, but I never put it together. As long as she stayed, I thought she might’ve been a cousin or something.” She reached for the door. “Too bad she never had a growth spurt. If she were taller, maybe a little thinner, she might be able to pass for being in the business. Great taste in clothes, though. That outfit was doing her all kinds of favors.”

“You saw her?” His head whipped back around, his eyes intense. “When?”

“She was in and out of the room all night. If I’d known …” With a shrug, she pulled the door open. “I’m sorry.”

“Right. And for the record, Jen is perfect just the way she is.” Sighing, he held the door for her. “Merry Christmas, Candice. Enjoy your visit with your parents.”

“I will. You, too.” And she was gone, blonde hair swinging around her shoulders as she went down the stairs and front walk, crossing the street to move quickly along the sidewalk.

“Fantastic. Just come in and wreak havoc, then walk away.” Groaning loudly, he closed the door, then grabbed Jen’s coat and headed toward the dining room. Heather and Ty were there, gathering the leftover food into containers, as Karen’s voice came from the kitchen, instructing them on where things needed to go. “Where is she? Please tell me she’s still here.”

“Sorry, bro.” Ty sent a quick, uncharacteristic glare his direction, then headed for the kitchen. “You’re about five minutes too late.”

“Damn.” His grip tightened on the coat as he swore, turning his eyes to Heather. “Did she go home?”

“Yeah.” There was a measure of disappointment in her expression, making him feel even lower. “Lisa and Mac had already left, and she was pretty upset, so Aaron walked her back. I don’t really blame her.” Shaking her head, she let out a sigh. “What were you thinking, Josh?”

“I wasn’t. Obviously.” Running a hand through his hair, he growled under his breath. “How bad was it?”

“You tell me.” Heather propped her hip against the table, crossing her arms over her chest. “She was in and out of that room at least five times over the last two hours, she walked right by you, and you were so caught up in Tall Blonde that you didn’t even look at her.” She moved to him, her thumb coming up to rub over his skin, showing him the lipstick left behind. “Add this to all that, and I can imagine it’s probably as bad as you think.”

“Why didn’t she just say something?” He shook his head, letting out a deep sigh. “All she had to do was let me know she was here, and none of this would’ve happened.”

“If you’d really been waiting for her, you’d have known the exact second she came in the door. She shouldn’t have had to say anything.”

“But …”

“But nothing.” Heather barreled over his protest, eyes flashing. “Besides, by the time she got here, you were already … how did she put it? Preoccupied. She saw you were having a good time and didn’t want to bother you, said you’d come find her if you wanted to see her. But you didn’t.” She arched a brow at him, wiping her thumb on a napkin. “I went through there, too, you know. Did you have to take the loveseat? I know for a fact that when whoever she was got here, there was nobody in there. You could’ve gone to the couch, or the chairs on either side of the fireplace. Hell, Josh, you could’ve sat on the floor. Anywhere but the loveseat. If I was Jen, I wouldn’t have wanted to interrupt you, either. You two were all against each other, your arm around her, her hand on your leg. Really cozy. And you weren’t exactly suffering, were you?”

“Oh, my God.” The coat dropped to the floor, his hands coming up to cover his face. “This is a nightmare.”

“Well, that’s not how you felt fifteen minutes ago.” With a sad smile, Heather turned back to clearing the table. “Jenny looked gorgeous tonight. I wish you’d gotten to see her.” She sent a quick glance his direction. “You two would’ve made a perfect Christmas card.”

“I’ve gotta go.” Leaning down to pick up Jen’s coat, he started toward the kitchen, ignoring the curious look on Karen’s face as he quickly moved to the back door. Just as he was getting there, the door flew open, narrowly missing him as Aaron stepped back inside. “Hey. Is Jen …”

“You need to come with me. Right now.” Grabbing JC’s arm, Aaron dragged him back through the kitchen and into the living room. “What the hell happened here tonight?”

“Nothing good. And it’s all my fault.”

“You bet your ass it is.” Aaron shook his head, staring at him. “This is bad, Josh. Really bad.”

“That’s why I need to go talk to her.” JC tried to move past, only to have his cousin pull him to a halt. “Let me go, Aaron.”

“She’s not ready to see you right now. You’re gonna have to give her some time.” Heaving a sigh, Aaron steered him toward the couch, pushing him down. “Talk to me. Who was the blonde?”

“Candice Patterson.”

“Okay.” Aaron’s eyes narrowed in recognition as he sat down. “Why do I know that name?”

“She’s the girl I took to the sixth-grade prom.”

“The one who pretty much ignored you once you got there? Seriously?” At JC’s nod, he furrowed his brow. “So, why all the attention tonight?”

“It threw me that she was even here. We were just catching up, that’s all.” JC leaned back, his head resting on the cushions. “She moved when we were in middle school, so she was asking about people who were in our class and telling me about her work in California.” With a quiet laugh, he shook his head. “The kicker is, I never would’ve taken her to that dance in the first place if it wasn’t for Jenny.”

“What do you mean?”

“The week of the prom, we were playing baseball in the Lawson’s front yard, and I accidentally broke their living room window.” His brow creased at the memory. “She took the blame so I wouldn’t end up grounded, because she knew how badly I wanted to go. Jen missed out on the dance and gave up over a year’s worth of savings to repair the damage.”

“Hell, Josh.”

“I know. She never would let me pay her back, but I’ve never forgotten it. One day, I’m going to make it up to her.” Blue eyes came over to meet brown. “I think her dad knew the truth, but he never did tell me so.” A slight smile settled over his features. “The best part was when I stole a tape of the music from the teacher’s lounge and hauled my boombox over to Jen’s house after I got back home. Those things didn’t run too late, and since she couldn’t go to the dance, I brought it to her backyard. I think we danced out there until about midnight.”

“You rebel.” Aaron laughed, a suspicious smile forming. “What was she wearing?”

“She was in her pajamas – these pants that had frogs all over them and a black shirt – and sneakers, her hair in a ponytail.”

“Hmm. Okay.” Tilting his head, his smile became a grin. “And what was Candice wearing when you picked her up?”

“I have no idea. A dress, I’m sure.” Confusion colored JC’s tone. “Why?”

“No reason. Just trying to see how far back this thing goes.”

“What?”

“Josh, you remember exactly what Jen was wearing from a night over ten years ago, down to the pattern of her pajama pants.”

“It’s a great memory.”

“Let’s try something else. What did your first girlfriend wear on your first date?”

“No clue.”

“What was your first girlfriend’s name?”

“Umm … Amanda, maybe.”

“What was Jen wearing the first day you met her?”

“Blue jeans and a Smurfs shirt.” The answer was immediate, his eyes widening. “My God.”

“Uh huh. See what I mean?” Aaron bit back another laugh. “You said that Jen helped you pack when you were going to Florida for the Club thing, right?”

“Yeah, she got here in time to straighten me out.”

“I’ll bet you can tell me what she had on then, too.”

“Jeans, sneakers, a white shirt and her dad’s bracelet when she first came in. Before she left, I had the bracelet and she had my blue and green flannel shirt.” JC smiled at the memory. “She wore everything three sizes too big then, so her clothes swallowed her whole.” Taking a deep breath, he relaxed. “When they started sending us for photo shoots and stuff, I saw how often they’d be telling me what to wear, and I got scared that I’d lose the bracelet, so it’s in my keepsake box down in Florida. The shirt I gave her went to pieces last January, and I had to replace it with others. I think Maggie got creative and turned the biggest of the scraps into a vest for one of the teddy bears I gave her.”

“Who’s Maggie?”

“Jen’s housemate. They were supposed to be roommates at school, but then their dorm wound up literally falling to pieces, so Jen bought the house and offered Maggie a room. They became really fast friends. She’s fantastic, the best thing that could’ve happened for Jenny.” He nudged Aaron in the side. “You really need to come down for a visit sometime. Maggie’s taken, but you’d be amazed at how well Jen networks down there.”

“I’ll think about it. A vacation might be nice next year.” Aaron cleared his throat. “But now I think I understand this whole thing a little better.”

“What do you mean?”

“Josh, the two of you have been dancing around each other since you were eleven. Maybe even before then.” He paused, considering his next words. “I don’t know … how much did she tell you about that guy she dated in high school?”

“Luke?” Just the name left a bad taste in JC’s mouth. “She didn’t say much. Just that he was a jerk who cheated on her and dumped her right before prom. Why?”

“It … man, it wasn’t good. He was a complete jackass from the start, but you know how Jen is. She was in, so she was stubborn about seeing it through. When it ended, she tried to play it off like it was just a breakup, and she’d get over it. But I saw how he treated her, heard how he spoke to her, and I’d be surprised if she’s not still carrying some baggage.”

“I knew I should’ve laid him out when I had the chance.”

“Yeah, I’d say there were a few of us with that same sentiment.” Heaving a sigh, Aaron clapped a hand over JC’s shoulder. “It wasn’t healthy, and she started having some pretty rough ideas about herself. And now she’s in whatever this is with you, still trying to deal with the aftermath of that mess. It looks like you guys could be headed for something serious, and I’m afraid she thinks she’s further in than you are. But that’s not true is it?” When JC shook his head, he gave a satisfied smile. “I thought so. You need to lay all your cards out there and make sure she knows where you stand.”

“But I have …”

“No, you haven’t. If she took seeing you with Candice this badly, then she’s still flying blind.” The smile dropped off his face as he shook his head. “I’ve never seen her like that, man. Even when the jerk was tearing her down, she kept her chin up. The Jen I know is all happy smiles and magic. Not that sad thing I just walked home, trying her best to keep from falling apart in front of me.” Clearing his throat, he let his eyes meet JC’s. “And never in a million years did I think you’d be the one breaking her heart.”

“Damn it.” JC leaned forward, his elbows propping on his knees and his face in his hands. “She really doesn’t want to see me right now, does she?”

“I never said she didn’t want to see you. I said she wasn’t ready to see you.” Aaron laughed quietly. “She just needs a little time. Like, maybe a couple hours. Do not let this wait until morning, Cuz.”

“Really?” Hope lifted JC’s tone as he looked over at Aaron. “You think so?”

“I’m pretty sure I know so. Give her a few to calm down, come up with a plan, then go groveling. Try to get her to open up about Luke, because you need to have an idea of what she’s gone through before you can figure out the best way to help her in the future.” Socking JC on the shoulder, he arched an eyebrow. “And wash that junk off your face. You look like a horror movie clown.”

“Thanks, Aaron.” With a laugh, JC got up. “Really. Thanks for watching out for her.”

“Don’t forget that you need to be completely honest with her. You may not be ready to tell her you’re in love with her, but don’t let her doubt that you want her and only her. I’m having a hard time understanding why you aren’t jumping at the chance to date the girl, but it really doesn’t matter if I get it or not.” Aaron cleared his throat. “Facts are, whatever reason you’ve given her for it, she’s just taking it as lip service. She’s been trying to keep herself from expecting anything more from you, because she thinks she’s the only one waiting. In her mind, you’ve never made it official, so she’s got no right to be upset by something like what happened tonight. She wants to be yours but feels like an idiot for hoping that you might want to be hers. We all know Jen is perfect for you, but she’s convinced herself that she’s nothing like what you’re looking for. You need to make sure she knows it’s not true. Tell her flat out that you aren’t looking for anyone else, because knowing she’s at the end of the line is better than anything else you might find.”

“Right.” Nodding, JC began walking toward the hallway. “Thanks, man.”

“Hey, Josh?” Aaron waited until he turned to look at him. “When you look at her, what are the first three words that come to you?”

“That’s easy. Home.” JC smiled. “Wow.” A blush tinted his cheeks. “And mine.”

“Well, I guess you’re almost there, then.”

“Almost there?” Blue eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Home and wow are fine, but one day, you’ll worry less that she’s yours and become more concerned with being hers.” A grin lit Aaron’s features. “When that happens, you’ll know it’s time to drop the waiting shit and pull out all the stops: labels, words, candle lit dinner, jewelry, flowers …”

“She’d rather have stuffed animals than flowers.”

“Then go buy one of those big ass bears from FAO Schwarz and pray it doesn’t catch fire.” He snorted out a laugh. “However you do it, do it big, man. She’s waited a long time for it – for you – so make sure it’s worth her trouble.” His brow arched again. “For tonight, though, an apology would be a good start. Just be creative with it.”

“Oh, I’m already working on it.” With a nod, JC left the room, moving quickly down the hallway and up the stairs toward his bedroom.

*********************

“Jenny?” She looked up from her journal, trying to smile when Mac came into the living room, running his fingers through his hair with a yawn. “It’s kind of late, isn’t it? What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Jen gestured to the glowing gas fireplace. “Just working on some stuff. Having some cider by the fire. Trying to relax. It’s been a long day.”

“Okay.” He sat down on the couch across from her, watching her take a drink from her mug. “Are you sure that’s all? You looked upset when you came in earlier.”

“It’s fine. No big deal.” Swallowing hard, she tried to fight back the tears that were threatening once again. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Something tells me that you try to ‘handle’ a lot more than you should.” Mac studied her carefully. “It’s JC, isn’t it? What happened?” His eyes narrowed. “Did something happen with the blonde from tonight?”

“You don’t miss anything, do you?” She let out a soft laugh, pushing a few stray hairs out of her face and pulling her feet up into the chair next to her. “So you saw them, too?”

“They were in the middle of the living room. Kind of hard to miss.” His head tilted as he tried to see through to her thoughts. “What bothers you about it?”

“How about I walked right by him and he didn’t even see me, let alone speak to me?” A sigh lifted her shoulders. “I mean, I know I was late, but a ‘Hey, glad you made it’ would’ve been nice. He didn’t have to ignore me completely.”

“Well, did you say anything to him?”

“I didn’t want to butt in. You don’t get to rekindle things with your first crush every day, you know.”

“Rekindle things?” He covered his laugh with a cough. “He was talking to her, not going at her in front of God and everybody.”

“I-I know.” Her teeth worked over her lip. “It’s just … did you see her? She’s gorgeous. I saw them together, and it hit me that he chose her then, and he’d be an idiot not to choose her now. Nothing’s changed, Mac. I didn’t measure up when we were kids, and it really nags at me that we’ve grown up and I still don’t have anything to tip the scales in my favor.”

“Jenny, sweetheart, come here.” His hand patted the cushion next to him, and she stood, letting her journal fall into her vacated seat and crossing the room to drop down beside him. With a smile, he put his arm around her, hugging her to his side. “I never had children, so you’re going to have to forgive me for my lack of paternal experience, but here goes. You don’t need to tip the scales, because you’ve already got him. I knew it from the first time I saw you two together.”

“Y-you think so?” Insecurity was obvious in her tone, her brows bunching as she looked up at him. “Really?”

“When he showed up here Thanksgiving morning, I thought I saw it. Then he stayed with you in that kitchen all day, completely clueless but doing whatever you asked him to, looking at you as if he needed you to keep breathing, and I knew he was in deep.” Shaking his head, he let out a sigh. “I get the feeling you haven’t been in very many relationships. Am I right?”

“Yeah. There was one guy in high school that I dated for a few months. It wasn’t good for me, he tore me down all the time, and when I found out he’d been cheating on me, he made sure I knew exactly why he decided to dump me. I tried to just play it off as one of those things that I needed to drop and move on from, but I think he left behind more damage than I expected.” She cleared her throat. “It’s been so long, but I still have the hardest time seeing myself as someone that anybody would actually want to be with.” Her shoulder shrugged against him. “There were a few random guys at the junior college I went to, but they didn’t amount to much. And then there’s this thing with Josh.”

“This thing? That’s how you think of it?”

“Well, yeah. We’re not together. He’s never really asked me out or put a name to it or anything.” She rested her head against his shoulder. “I think we’re more of a theory, a dream. What I wish would happen, but probably won’t. You know?”

“I think so.” Mac tightened his arm around her. “But tell me why you think it won’t happen.”

“Because why would he want me, when there are so many others who’d be better for him?” A lump began forming in her throat. “I’m not beautiful or smart or any of the things he should be looking for. I want him to have the very best, Mac, and not settle for me when I know he could have it.”

“Jen …”

“It’s stupid, really. I’ve always just been one of the guys, and part of me knows that’s all I’m ever going to be. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder …” She barreled over him, lost in her thoughts. “Maggie and Heather have both told me that he looks at me in a way they wish they could have, but how could that be possible? He’s this incredible, special, wonderful guy, who should be with a girl who can be his match. The perfect, gorgeous, always camera-ready bombshell.” Drawing her feet up on the couch, she hugged her knees to her chest. “That’s not me at all. There’s nothing special about me, nothing that makes me unique. I’m just the best friend who’s been following him around since the first grade, refusing to let go of what I probably should’ve walked away from years ago. I’m a pint-sized piano player who can strum a guitar and somehow knows how to use words to my advantage. There’s a million girls out there just like me. Bland. Common. And totally not worth the effort.”

“Stop it.” His voice was sharp, almost angry. “Are you hearing yourself? Jen, you’re tearing yourself to shreds, trying to convince yourself of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be with you. But can you think of anything that would make you not want to be with him?”

“No. Never.” She shook her head. “He’s everything I’ve ever wanted.” It took a real effort to swallow past the misery beginning to choke her. “I-I love him, Mac. So much it hurts. But there’s no way he sees me as anything but the miserable, lonely girl he found sitting on that swing in grade school.”

“Listen to me. You’re one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met – bested only by the woman I left sleeping upstairs – but your pretty face has absolutely nothing to do with why that boy loves you.” He turned to face her, his hands squeezing her shoulders. “Yes, you’re attractive and I’m sure he noticed that fairly early in the game, but Jen, that’s only the beginning. You have this spark that draws people in. Your heart shows in everything you do, every song you write … you don’t just share your gifts with the world, you give a little piece of yourself to everyone who comes around you. There’s something about you that makes people want to take care of you, make you smile and hear you laugh. And I have this sneaky suspicion that you’ve had him all wrapped up for far longer than either of you realize.”

“B-but they kissed. If he’s so hung up on me, then why would he do that?”

“He kissed her?” His eyes narrowed. “Are you sure?”

“I …” Her voice trailed off as she went back over the scene. “No. She kissed him.”

“Did he encourage it?”

“They were standing there, and she got close enough to touch him and kissed him. Twice.” She could feel him studying her as she concentrated on remembering. “He never moved, didn’t touch her. He didn’t … uh, respond like he normally would.” A blush began to spread on her cheeks. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.” Biting back a grin, he let his gaze meet hers. “For the record, I’d think him crazy if he hadn’t kissed you by now.”

“Oh, he’s definitely not crazy. Not for that, anyway.” A quiet laugh escaped before her face fell again. “There’s this voice in my head that keeps throwing out everything Luke used to hit me with, and I can’t get away from it. All it took was a couple weeks of him constantly talking down to me, and suddenly I was dressing myself down in the mirror, agreeing with everything he found wrong with me. Anytime I’m happy or confident, it just attacks me, making me admit that I’m not good enough for any of these amazing things that are happening for me. It’s always reminding me how I’m not anything close to what Josh needs.” A deep sigh lifted her shoulders. “When I found him with her, it started screaming at me, and I couldn’t ignore it. I was so upset by the time I saw her kiss him, I just had to walk away from everything.”

“Jen, I know Lisa saw a counselor after Steve died, but did you ever go with her?”

“No. She offered to take me, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone but Josh. And then I had my journals.”

“Well, thank God for that.” His hands came to her face, thumbs brushing over her cheeks. “How about after that bad relationship in high school? Did you talk to anyone after it ended?”

“I never thought about it.” She bit her lip. “I was so sure I’d get over it, I didn’t think I needed any help.”

“I think maybe you need to consider it. The counselor I went to after losing Ellie is still practicing. He may know of someone who deals with what you’re going through. Would you be willing to go if I found a therapist for you?”

“Yes. I’m so tired of not being able to get past this.”

“Okay. I’ll make some calls after the holidays and see what I can find. And I won’t tell your mother. That’s completely up to you.” His eyes softened as he looked at her. “I noticed early on how you’d make random comments to put yourself down, but I didn’t want to butt in. It breaks my heart to know that you think of yourself as anything less than this precious, beautiful girl in front of me. You’ve made such a difference in my life, and you’ve got so much magic in you that it just overflows to fill the room.”

“Thanks.” Watery brown eyes met his. “So much.”

“Anything for my Jenny.” Shaking his head with a laugh, he leaned down and kissed her forehead. “And yes, I’ve started thinking of you that way. I never would’ve been able to love Lisa like I do if I hadn’t loved you first. You worked your way in with your lyrics, decided you liked me enough to sign a contract, then turned my world upside down by introducing me to her. For the first time, I regretted not having a daughter, because I found myself wanting one just like you.”

“Mac …” A tear escaped to run down her cheek.

“I know you were a teenager when you lost your father, and that a girl really only gets one Daddy in her lifetime. But I hope you can trust me enough to take care of your mother for as long as she’ll let me.” His brow arched. “And maybe even let me try to watch out for you whenever I can, too.”

“If Dad could’ve picked someone for us, he would’ve chosen you.” She sniffled, going on her knees to wrap her arms around his neck tightly. “I love you, too, Mac. I’m so glad you’re ours.” He held her for a while, letting her cry into his shoulder. “I can’t imagine a better stepdad, and I’d love it if you thought of me as your daughter someday.”

“I already do.” Giving her a squeeze, he kissed the side of her head. “I have for a while.”

“Good.” With a shuddering breath, she straightened up, wiping the wetness from her cheeks as a smile broke across her face. “Okay. Enough of that. I need to get started if I’m going to have it ready in time.”

“Have it ready?” Mac watched as she slid from the couch and headed for the kitchen, getting up to follow her. “Have what ready?”

“Apology chocolate.” Jen sent him a grin as she flipped on the kitchen light and started assembling ingredients hurriedly. “With extra marshmallows, just in case.”

“You’re making hot chocolate?” His eyes widened in surprise. “Doesn’t that take an hour to simmer?”

“Yep. That’s why I need to hurry.”

“Jenny … it’s half past twelve. Are you really going to take him hot chocolate at one thirty?”

“Oh, I’m not taking it.” She mixed powders, milk and cream into a large pot, setting the heat on the stove to simmer. “He’s coming to it.”

“You’re inviting him over? If you call him now, you’re going to wake up their whole house.”

“No, I’m not calling.”

“Okay, I’m missing something.” He shook his head in confusion. “How …”

“Trust me. He’ll be here between one thirty and two.” Smiling eyes came up to him. “It’s too cold to take it outside, so we’ll have to stay in the living room. I promise we won’t keep you awake.” She couldn’t hold back a laugh at the way he was looking at her. “Just go with it. I’m spooky, remember?”

“That you are.” With a grin, he walked across the room to hug her. “Maybe while you’re having your apology chocolate, you should let him in on what’s been bothering you. I’m betting he has no clue, and he really needs to know.”

“I will. That’s why I’m making such a big pot. Luke has always been a sore spot with Josh, but the hot chocolate will keep him calm.” A thoughtful expression crossed her face. “I might should heat up a few brownies, too. Why not go all out?”

“Good girl.” Unable to hold back a yawn, he turned to head for the stairs. “I’ll leave you to it. Should I be surprised to find him here in the morning?”

“Nope. The entire Chasez clan comes over for Christmas Eve brunch. They’re usually here by eleven, we eat sometime around noon and then we just bounce back and forth between houses all day, playing games, watching movies and snacking on leftovers.” She winked as he looked back at her. “I’m making my special Christmas Eve breakfast casserole, biscuits with both regular and chocolate gravy, fried ham, loaded fried potatoes, scrambled eggs, sunshine muffins and a batch of fresh cinnamon rolls, so I doubt anybody will even notice if he ends up staying the night. Right?”

“Sold. ’Night, Jenny.”

“’Night.”