Strictly Business

Chapter 28

The silence was deafening.

 It filled the empty space until I felt nothing but the silent tears streaming down my face. I would have thought I’d be numb to tears by now, would of thought I’d be used to their salty taste slipping into my mouth. Surely by now I had run out, but I hadn’t. I must have come equipped with a reserve tank for tears, because they hadn’t stopped…not since that night of the release party…not now, as I stood alone in our apartment…Miranda’s apartment…hours after her funeral. I couldn’t bear to look around me, couldn’t stand that feeling of loneliness that filled me and complimented this harsh silence.  I needed to breathe. I couldn’t remember the last time I exhaled, and felt release from this nightmare that just won’t go away. I wanted to scream, lash out, and feel something other than these damn tears that continued to drag down my face. Miranda’s gone. The fact had yet to register within me. It was like any moment she would open the door behind me and embrace me, pull me against her and kiss softly against me neck.  Like she had so many times before, she would accept my guilt, squeeze away my pain and not once feel anger towards me. So selfless…Miranda was..so selfless. I couldn’t even honor her memory, not even now; I couldn’t gather enough strength to feel anything. I felt weak…disgusted. My knees were giving way, so I backed against the door and let my body slide against the frame. I ached to react, to do something more than stare into the darkness and wish for it. I leaned my head against the frame and opened my mouth. If I couldn’t scream, I’d release the hot air of frustration and remorse that welded inside of me. If I couldn’t make a sound, I’d will myself to breathe. I closed my eyes, not sure if I was ready to face the image of Miranda smiling back at me. But there she was, like she’d always been…and with no surprise, I felt the comfort her presence always gave me. I felt the pressure pushing against the numbness inside of me, and I opened my eyes to close Miranda off. I didn’t deserve relief. I had no right to be comforted. I had every reason to feel the void welding inside of me, to face all this alone and be tortured with guilt. This was my punishment and I deserved to feel every infraction. It was without question that I’d come here alone, I couldn’t stand to be near anyone else…not even Tameka- the only person in the world I hadn’t betrayed.  She had that knowing look of concern, that nearly everyone in attendance donned, and followed me until I slammed the yellow cab door in her face and peeled away. I had shown up alone to the funeral grounds, warding off JC who waited on the other side of the grassy knoll…watching from afar. He didn’t want me to go alone, had spent Miranda’s last few weeks sitting outside her door waiting for me until finally Miranda called him in. I thought I had awkward moments in my life, especially in the last few months, but expected that moment to be the MOST awkward. Naturally it wasn’t. Miranda welcomed JC, instructed him to look after me and gave her approval without even being asked to. From that point forward, JC stayed by my side until the end.  In many ways I was thankful for that, it gave me no opportunity to address the issue of Justin with Miranda. I couldn’t deal with it, I didn’t want her to say what I didn’t have the strength to accept. I think she knew that, in fact I know she understood. I needed JC, for every reason I couldn’t want Justin.  I needed JC’s stability, his unconditional love, his strength which balanced out my weakness.  JC was my strong arm, the gentleness I cherished.  The gentleness I needed.

 Justin.

The familiar heat began to rise within me, I bit down hard on my mouth and willed him out of my thoughts. I couldn’t face them right now…Justin was another kind of torture I’d take on a different day. Even as I tried to resist, I could feel the stir inside of me. I hated it, cursed it, for everything that it threatened.  My resolve was only strong without him. I couldn’t mourn for Miranda or find peace in JC with Justin present in my thoughts. He wasn’t good for me, I made my decision… as I like to see it. It was inevitable, that night of the release party. I needed to break away from him. There was no resolving all that happened. Sitting here now, I beg myself not to think about his last words…that last look, that final moment that slithered all ties between us. I hated feeling, much worse… I hated knowing that I loved him. I couldn’t love Justin, I wouldn’t allow myself to. No matter what Miranda had said, no matter how understanding she had been, it wasn’t right. She didn’t deserve that, and now…neither does JC. I hover in the maddening silence of my tormenting thoughts, and grow numb to the warm tears trickling down my face.