“Why are we here?” I looked from Trace to the naked woman stalking down the catwalk and I wondered the same thing. I flew clear across the country, back to New York to end up in strip joint at 6 am- not even enjoying, or even looking at the stealthy blonde twisting provocatively in front of me. I used to love this place, Sammies, which never closed its door and was a guaranteed good time any time of the day. I used to spend nights, days, watching, touching and fucking the shit out of Sammie’s finest. In fact, if I’d been paying attention I would have realized it was Victoria, with the clit ring, dancing her heart out trying to work up my attention. I don’t think I even looked at her once until now, and nothing about her straddled position across the stage engaged me. I was in a tortured state, and it had nothing to do with anything surrounding me. Even worse, I dragged Trace out of his bed in LA to join me in my turmoil- which landed us here at Sammie’s with half empty bourbon glasses and even more naked women. Which brings me back to the unanswered question, why am I here?
“ Drink your bourbon Trace.” The plan was to get wasted, utterly wasted until I could no longer think-until my mind became a blank slate, devoid of all thoughts concerning Bryne and the fucked up situation that comes along with her. The shit wasn’t fair, it hadn’t been from the start. What’s worse is that I can’t pull myself away from her, I can’t even fly across the fucking country and forget about her.
“You mean the bourbon that we could have easily gotten in LA…where we were…at 2 am this morning.” Trace was disgruntled, evident through his exaggerated tone. I could care less, it was a part of his responsibilities- it was more than just his job- it was his duty. He was my best friend, more than just a personal assistant, so it was him who had to assist me with this.
“ You want a lap dance?” I asked Trace with a heavy sigh. Victoria was damn near dripping a puddle on the stage in front of us. She was working hard to keep my focus- her hips, eyes, and breast moved intently as she danced. She was a beautiful girl, barely eighteen when I met her two years ago in this same exact position. She was my favorite, had the tongue and ride of a seasoned player. I wished like hell I could meet her, I fucking wanted to be in that familiar place of ‘I-don’t –give-a-fuck’ just so I could watch her ride the shit out of me and then blow me for good measure. That was what I was about, that was who I was…
“ NO I don’t want a fucking lap dance you asnine! !” Trace exclaimed slamming his finished drink on the table. The ice rattled at the bottom of the glass and it made me think of Bryne…and that shit just doesn’t make any sense. All of a sudden I want to know where she is at, what she’s doing…is she somewhere trying to get wasted like me? It just reminded me of the argument we had before I left, how sad and confused she looked, staring at me with those damn eyes ..the shit was haunting me. “ What I want is to know why the fuck we are here…in New York..half way across the fucking country when you know you have engagements in LA..what the fuck is going on with you man?”
“ Read the National Inquire.” I spit the words out at him like the venom I felt could erase itself just a little if I shared it. Pictures of Bryne and that fucking woman she lived with flashed across my mind. I felt the familiar sour taste of disgust and reached for my drink to wash it down. I didn’t want to think about Bryne, or her girlfriend, and how fucked up it was she still lived with her. She was still with her, and I still loved her- that’s fucked up, but what has me real throwed – what I can’t understand is why?
“ So this is about Bryne. You come all the way to New York to deal with some shit with Bryne while her ass is back in LA. What type of sense does that make?” Trace was getting on my nerves, his voice of reasoning was pissing me the fuck off. How the hell would he know how to deal with some shit like this? What exactly did he suggest I do about the woman I love living with her girlfriend while the fucking tabloids exploit all our shit. Not a damn thing.
“ Trace drop it.”
“ J..pick it the fuck up! You can’t afford to do this right now...” I was growing more agitated with Trace, and for every wrong reason. I had a tour that I am in preparation for, I have rehearsals that have been kicking my ass, I have messages that I’ve been ignoring that I’m sure need immediate attention. There was shit I had to do, hell there were things I wanted to do, but what I couldn’t do is get Bryne off my fucking brain. I couldn’t get her out of my psyche, and the more I tried, the more she remained. I didn’t need Trace reminding me of my responsibilities, I didn’t need him to make mention of the fact that I’m being totally irresponsible because I can’t get a handle on my fucking emotions. When the fuck had this become a problem for me? I was the master of impartiality, I couldn’t care one way or the fucking other. Shit didn’t bother me, it just happened. Then Bryne happened, and it’s bothering the fuck out of me.
“ Can I get a ride?” Victoria damn near moaned as she crawled to the edge of the stage, her taut nipple dangling in the air just in front of us. We had the best seat in the house, I could open my mouth and in moments feel the flesh of her familiar skin descend on my tongue. I’d done it many times before, and back when I didn’t give a fuck I would do just that- especially at a time when Trace started bitching out the side of his mouth like now. I stared at her, wanting to wash out Trace and his damn annoying sense, wanting to forget Bryne and every image, sense, and presence of her in my mind. I licked my lips, waiting for that missing air of nothingness that usually washed over me- that allowed me to do things without caring. The feeling I used to have before I ever met Bryne, before I ever circled my arms around her, before I ever tasted and felt her goodness and depth. I wanted that nothingness that stopped me from caring about anyone the way I cared about Bryne. Where was the person who didn’t see tears, who could turn a deaf ear to cries? Who the fuck was this person trying hard to get a reaction to some shit I usually reacted to?
“ Are you fucking serious right now?!” Trace questioned Victoria who just ignored him and continued her seductive descent towards me. Her eyes were trying to lock into mine, trying to hypnotize me with what she knew I wanted, and even though they stayed on her- my mind remained somewhere else.
“ I can do you better than your girl…and you wouldn’t have to share me.” My eyes clouded over with darkness, I could feel anger riding just beneath the desire that began to penetrate me. It had been so long since I’d been able to control what I never used to feel, and the return of it was thrilling enough to almost let me forget what I didn’t want to remember.
“ J get up..you don’t want to do this shit. Not like this…” I heard Trace, only this time it was a little easier to ignore him. The feeling was becoming intoxicating, mixing with the alcohol, and my need to be free of this shit that got ahold of me ever since I met Bryne. He must of realized I wasn’t listening once he saw my hand grip Victoria’s thigh as she moved to a sitting position just in front of me. “ J..Fuck man..don’t do this shit. I know you…I know what your trying to do, and it’s not going to work this time.” What the fuck did Trace know? He didn’t know what it was like to love someone, to lose all sense of self and control- too feel trapped by your emotions, to rely on them and ignore logic. Logic would have never allowed Bryne into my life. She would have never been able to penetrate all the shit that she’s broken through since I met her. I would be the same person I was, as fucked up as that may have been, but I wouldn’t be the tripped up mess I was now. Bryne robbed me of everything, and it pissed me off to know that I didn’t care about any of it…I just cared to have her. Only I couldn’t, and not because I was a dick and I didn’t deserve her. Not because I cheated and lied to her. No, because she cheated and lied to me! She only did to me what I’ve done to every other woman, and not even to the extent that I have done it, and now I’m all fucked up in the game. What type of fucking sense did that make? Damn right I want to do this…because I damn sure don’t want to be or do what I’ve been doing.
“ I can take care of you.” Victoria slid into my lap, her skin cool to the touch- not warm like Bryne’s. I ignored the comparison and let my hand ride up her thigh anyway. I tried to ignore the vision of Bryne, tears streaking her face, her eyes pleading with me. That was then, when I was just walking out on her. What would she look like now, if she were standing across the room, watching me with Victoria. The thought alone sent a chill threw me, broke my fucking heart to even think of it. Shit. I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to care, I just wanted to be lost in the person I used to be. If I could admit to myself, I would, that I was running from becoming the man I never thought I’d be. “ I can take real good care of you.” Victoria whispered against my cheek, and as her lips moved towards my mouth I caught her by the neck. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do this anymore than I could forget about Bryne. Taking my sudden aggressiveness as interest, Victoria smirked and leaned forward not even wincing at the harsh curse that escaped Trace’s mouth.
“ Your on your own J.” Trace sighed standing to leave. I felt the hesitation, I knew it was something wrong about this entire situation and I felt it even more inside. I hated the fucking feeling, I hated it because it wasn’t as easy as not feeling anything at all. I could do that with Victoria. I had done it with Cameron and Belinda. I couldn’t stop feeling with Bryne, and the shit was tearing me apart. Every part of me knew that I should get up and follow Trace out that door, fly back to LA, and work everything out with Bryne. I shouldn’t be so afraid of what might happen, I should be a man and confront the situation. The possibility of losing Bryne, of finding that I wasn’t enough to make her stay or even entice her to want to, that was the shit that bothered me. That was what I was running from, that was what I didn’t want to face.
“ Fuck it.” I heard the door slam, I knew Trace had left. It didn’t matter though, I told myself as I relaxed my grip on Victoria and lost myself in the cool of her flesh.
