Chpt 21 b

I wasn’t thinking clearly. My mind was a whirlwind of emotions, lodging from pain to pure pleasure as I lay stretched out on the bed of some hotel JC and I found along the way. I should have told him no, to keep going until we reached New York, but all that was nonsense to me now as I watched him draw kisses alongside my leg, moving closer and closer to my middle with painstaking patience. His eyes never left mine, as his lips moved along my skin until finally I could feel the heat of his breath flashing against the thin layer of material covering my center. I closed my eyes, wondering if by doing that I could erase that vivid picture of Justin looking at me. He’s standing there, restraint written all over his face, his hands on either side of his head with his mouth slightly parted and his eyes bearing into mine. He looks sad, frustrated even, standing there looking at me as if there was something he needed. Like there was something I had, something that caused him so much pain that all he could do was stand there looking at me- his eyes swell with something so recognizable that it fills me even as it fills him. I closed my eyes because I could see him when they were open. I could feel his stare penetrating me, I could feel his pain stabbing me, and it was only adding to the chaos going on inside of me. I closed my eyes, exhaling sharply as I felt JC’s tongue slip between my folds and caress my coated walls. Justin was watching me, I could see him even with my eyes closed, as my body arched in response and lifted at Jc’s touch. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell for him to leave the room because the way he was looking at me made me feel like my heart was breaking.

“ You taste so good.” JC’s words were lost to me, I couldn’t even respond. I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth, if I was going to scream Justin’s name or JC’s. If I could do anything right now, I would cry. Because the pain I felt mixed with the pleasure was too unbearable for me to handle. I could only bite my lip, and roll my hips until I felt JC’s tongue go deeper. His hands molded themselves into my hips, pulling them down as he moved himself up, his kisses trailing along my naked flesh. I moved to run my fingers through his hair, my surprise at the curls that were not there lost in the kiss he covered my mouth with. It was torture, feeling lost like this, too afraid to do anything more than just feel. I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to stop…I didn’t want to feel anything more than this moment. I didn’t want Justin inside of me, I didn’t want him to be all around me, but he was and it was overpowering. I wasn’t thinking of JC, I wasn’t thinking of Miranda, the only person that had my thoughts was somewhere thousands of miles away. He wasn’t the one positioned above me, holding onto my hips, inches away from pushing inside of me. I opened my eyes, afraid to see the truth- afraid to see something other than the man that I loved about to make love to me. I looked up and I saw blue eyes, but they weren’t Justin’s. I reached up and it was the same hair as before, nothing like the curly tendrils that wrapped around my fingers like silk. My heart broke, my mind went hazy and my mouth barely opened enough to form around the word “no” before I felt JC fill up inch by inch inside of me. I gasped, and I felt tears fall from the corner of my eyes. His head was bowed as he moved even further until his body was completely connected to mine, never seeing the tears that disappeared into the pillow. I was afraid to close my eyes, afraid to keep them open so I just let the tears brim them as I held onto JC. His body moved expertly within mine, his hips slamming subtly into mine with just enough force and gentleness that my body subconsciously moved in sync with his. His lips sucked on the skin of my neck as his free hand ran the length of my body, settling on my throat as he moved to kiss me passionately. I moved my lips against his, opened my legs wider to him wanting to ignore the pull at my heart- wanting to forget Justin, like I’ve been trying to forget him ever since. He responded swiftly, pushing my leg so that my knee settled over his shoulder as he plunged deeper inside of me. I tried not to think about it, but he didn’t move like Justin. He was more animalistic, moving within me with such narrow concentration that it almost seemed like something other than what it was. When I was with Justin, I couldn’t think. My mind would be clear of all else, all I could do was feel. I could feel every stroke, every caress, every word unspoken between us and it would take over every part of me. Even when I wasn’t with Justin, he was within me, and it scares me- it scares me so much that I can’t even make sense of what I do anymore. I didn’t want this.

“ Fuck Bryne.” I came back to my senses, a sharp gasp falling from my lips as I felt JC bury himself inside of me, rolling his hips into mine, stretching my walls even further. Without thinking, I screamed out, clutching his back with my nails as I felt my walls pull tight around him. I began to feel the heat rise on my skin, anticipating to the wave of pleasure that was building up within me. JC’s lips covered mine, his hands pushed my hips down into the mattress as he rolled his own even harder into mine. My moans were lost within his mouth as I felt my walls lax and the warmth of my release coated his thick skin hidden inside of me. I felt guilty for the pleasure that washed over me, I felt wrong for the way my body was responding even now as he stroked me carefully coaxing his own release. I couldn’t close my eyes, I was too afraid, so I watched JC as his face twisted in emotion and I felt his body rid itself of his own release. I let him kiss me, let him pull me into his arms as he moved onto his back, and tucked my head into the crevice between his neck and shoulder. I laid like this, my thoughts too afraid to venture from this moment, until I felt the weight of exhaustion pull at my lids. I thought maybe if I was too tired to think, I’d just fall asleep without any thoughts- without any image of Justin. Only, I could still feel the guilt and that carried me onto sleep.

“ Do you want to talk about it?” I had managed to spend the entire morning in complete silence. After waking up beside his sleeping naked form, and becoming fully aware of what happened between us the night before the moment I sat down for my morning bathroom ritual, I was at a loss for words. Not only did I have nothing to say, but I didn’t know how to feel. Overnight, and once again, I had managed to make my life even more problematic than it had been before. I didn’t know what to say to what we have done, I’m to embarrassed to say anything. I look up from my plate of eggs and into JC’s eyes, they look cautious- almost as if they were preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I know he wants something, answers, maybe even a reaction, but I’m too afraid to even conjure up enough strength to try one. I’ve been ignoring him, barely even looking at him, and now that we were sitting across from each other in the otherwise abandoned dining room- it was now time to come up with something.

“ Do I have a choice?”

“ Yea, you do.” He was so patient, so kind. It probably wasn’t everyday that he found himself in a situation like this, and given my experience in one such as this, I should at least try to say something decent that could perhaps help explain things to JC. I just don’t know what to say. Should I mention that I’m in love with Justin, or should I talk about how I might possibly be attracted to him? Should I talk about how confused I am? Should I talk about how selfish I’ve been, and even more how much I’ve hurt those that love me? There was nothing in particular that I wished to talk about, because everything contradicted everything else which is why my mind is the complete mess that it is.

“I’m not ready to.”

“ I would do it again.” I was expecting him to just let it be, maybe even forget that he even asked me, but his words caught me off guard. I swallowed down the gulp of orange juice I had in my mouth and just stared back at JC. His eyes were smoldering, staring me down with such a strong force I was almost afraid to blink. I finally lowered my eyes, back to my plate, willing myself to continue the morning in complete silence. I had nothing to say, nothing that would make this situation any better. “ Bryne, last night doesn’t have to be a mistake.”

“ Last night…”

“ Bryne, I know nothing makes sense right now. I’m not asking you for any definite answers.” I was going to say something, but he began talking just as I opened my mouth. I could only listen, as he came across the table to kneel in front of me. Taking my hand into his own, he continued, “Last night was the first time I made love to you, and I don’t want it to be the last. I  can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted you, I can only tell you that I do and I’m willing to wait for you. I promise…” he paused, his eyes searching my own before he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my mouth. It started out soft, his lips grazing mine, and then grew with intensity as my lips began to respond to his need. Before I could realize it, my hands were circled around his neck and his were moving around my waist. By the time we pulled apart, I was fighting to catch my breath, my chest moving against his watchful eye. “ I promise I’ll give you all the time you need.”