I was confused and it had nothing to do with the warm liquid carousing down my throat, in fact I can’t remember why I’m so disheveled in the first place. I was sitting in the corner of some near abandoned whole in the wall- servicing as an airport this late hour in the night. I couldn’t get a flight safe enough out of LAX in direct route to New York, so Lonnie arranged for several layovers which have taken me back and forth across the states-only to touch down in forgotten bases that looked like they hadn’t been used in the last decade. I was in some particular rat whole town just outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania- some name I can’t even remember- and had been stuck here for the last three hours. It was the longest layover yet, and proving to be the most gruesome. I had spent the first hour reading outdated brochures, only to spend the second hour looking for service on my cell phone. This third hour was being well spent, tucked in the corner of the dimly lit bar attached to the building- where I’m guessing most of this airport’s money is made. I was on my third shot of tequila, and loving every drip of it. I could feel the familiar heat through my veins and settled my head against the wall, hoping to pass out within this next hour since it was no telling when the next plane would be in. I assured Lonnie that I would be fine on my own and all but demanded he stay in L.A. Truth was, I wanted the chance to cry alone on the plane. I didn’t want the constant reminder of Justin hovering over me in the form of a body guard. There were only a few passengers on the plane, none of which seemed to be the least interested in me in my tears. Now I was the only one left in this deserted building- otherwise known as an airport- and I had long since stopped crying and turned to the only other source of comfort. Tequila.
“ Is there anyone you’d like me to call?” I couldn’t ignore the man and pretend he wasn’t talking to me, I was his only patron and he was very hard to miss as he filled the entire expanse of the corner bar. It was a wonder he could turn around in that thing, but turn he did when I slapped a big face bill down and requested a bottle of tequila. I’m sure this bar had seen lonelier days and much smaller bills, so I wasn’t surprised when I was met with all the more earnest to please.
“ No.” There wasn’t. I had been left in my New York apartment by my girlfriend, the man I cheated on her with damn threw me out of his house, and he just happened to be the man my best friend had been fucking for nearly a decade. Even if I had someone to call, at this point I was better off leaving them alone- because at the rate I’m going I’d just find some way to fuck up there life and mine even more.
“ How’d you find yourself out here?” I was looking square at the bar tender that hadn’t stopped sweating since I sat down, but his lips hadn’t moved one bit. I didn’t top off that many shots to be hallucinating, and still the voice sounded warmly familiar. I lifted my brow in question and the bar tender nudged his head in the direction behind me. I attempted to swirl in my chair, but as luck would have it- I was not sitting in a swivel chair. So naturally I slid off the wood plank, but landed in the arms of the one person I never imagined I’d see.
“ JC?!” My heart jumped into my throat, and almost spilled out of my mouth when I saw the gentle smile that spread across his lips. His brown eyes searched over me, before lifting me back into my chair and taking the one beside me. I still hadn’t recovered from my initial shock, and could only stare at him gap mouthed. How in the world did he find me here, and furthermore how is it that he is here? My eyes questioned him, but he ignored them and motioned to the bar tender for a glass.
“ So you’ve managed to find an airport no longer listed on the map, and a stiff drink inside of it?” I barely flashed my smile before I moved into his open chest and wrapped my arms around his neck. He didn’t hesitate to bring his arms around my waist, didn’t even question as I pressed my face into the crevice of his neck and shoulder and released all of my silent frustration through the grip I had on him. He let me hold him like this for awhile, so much so that I couldn’t tell when it was that I had stopped holding him and he started holding me. I couldn’t quite explain all the conflicting emotions I had going on inside of me, which didn’t matter because he was forcing me to. He wasn’t demanding answers like everyone else in my life, he was just accepting my mess and not forcing me through it. It wasn’t bringing me to any answers any sooner, but it wasn’t choking me for any either. JC had a way with me that smoothed over the stress that mounted inside of me, he made me feel at ease when all the world around me was in chaos. He was my peace.
“ Care to join do you?” I smiled, no longer caring as to why he was there- just glad that he was. I lifted my bottle and filled his glass to the brim, giggling as I watched the liquid spill over into his awaiting palm. I don’t know why I did, but I watched as he lifted his hand to his mouth and suck up the liquor spilled on it. His lips looked even more lush to me as they pressed against his palm, and if I had any sense- I would have turned to concentrate on something else that didn’t evoke any reaction in me. My eyes didn’t care to listen as they watched him lift his glass to his mouth and swallow its contents before slamming it back down on the counter. My mouth must have dropped open, giving JC reason to smirk before reaching for the bottle I all but hugged and sliding it over towards the tender.
“ Let’s get you home.” He hadn’t even finished his sentence before he was beside me, guiding my body out of the chair and into his. I only had a bit of a buzz, so I know the flush that came over me had nothing to do with alcohol. It was a moment before I gathered my senses enough to put my hands against his chest in protest. I didn’t realize how close we were until I felt the heat of his breath fanning my skin. We stood there for a moment, looking at each other, until the tender behind the bar cleared his throat and brought us out of our trance. I cleared my own and took a step away from him, finding it hard to think objectively anymore. I was in the middle of nowhere, having unnatural reactions to someone whom I was growing more and more confused about the relationship I shared with. We were only friends right? I mean he was only here because he was the only one I hadn’t fucked over- in the literal sense. It had nothing to do with those looks I catch him giving me, or even the looks I catch myself ready to give back. All this conflict has to do with the fact that I can’t seem to find the right words to say to Justin or the fact that I have yet to officially talk to Miranda about what it is that is going on between us, all this confusion comes from some place else which has landed me here with none of them, but with JC.
“ I can’t go there.” I blurted the words out of my mouth before I could stop them, lowering my eyes as I realized how ridiculous I must have sounded. No wonder why I was sitting at this airport drinking a bottle of tequila with no place to go. I couldn’t go back to that apartment, I couldn’t go back to Justin, I had nowhere to go.
“ Where do you want to go then?” his voice was so soothing, his finger reaching beneath my chin to lift my eyes to his. I sighed helplessly as I stared back at him, my heart thumping harder against my chest. His touch did something…or maybe it was just the tequila..eitherway, I found myself moving further into it.
“ I don’t know.” I didn’t have an answer. I just had a motive, and it was leading me closer and closer into him. My hand went from my side to his chest as his hand slid down my throat and the other moved around my waist. He wasn’t retreating, and neither was I, as I opened my mouth and waited for his. I should have been thinking about how wrong this was, how this would make things even more complicated- in fact I was thinking those things, I was just doing nothing to stop us. Before I knew it our mouths had connected and his tongue slipped through into mine. I gasped at the connection, opening my mouth further and moved my hands to around his neck. He was only the second man I kissed, and yet it felt like the natural order of things. His hand went into my hair as his tongue caressed the warmth of my mouth, igniting a flicker of heat within me. I couldn’t believe I was kissing JC, but I stopped believing in the possible and have long since invested my beliefs in the impossible. Another clearing of the throat broke us apart, and we briefly turned to look at the tender who stood looking bewildered. He probably hadn’t seen a scene such like this in all of his life.
“ We don’t have to go back tonight.” I tore my eyes away from the tender and looked up into JC’s. It became clear at that moment that I hadn’t imagined any of the looks I thought JC was giving me. They were there all along. What wasn’t so clear was how I fit into all of this. Was I trying to make a bigger mess of things, was I trying to purposely end anything between Justin and I before it could even begin? I know I love Justin, I know that there is something about him that can’t keep me away from him. I know I love Miranda for what she was to me, for what we had. I didn’t know love before her, and I realized that there was more to it after her. I know all this but it wasn’t enough to make sense of the mess I created and it didn’t stop me from following JC out to his car. What if I didn’t know what I wanted? What if I didn’t have those kind of answers?
