Chpt 20

I couldn’t stop staring at her, she was lying in my arms with her mouth parted open and her breathing slightly irregular. She was exhausted, I knew that even before she settled in my arms and fell right to sleep. A few strands of her brown hair stuck to her skin where her tears dried while the rest fell over my arms. She had been crying when she showed up, something that seemed to be apart of her everyday now. I hated that I was being forced to get used to seeing her like this, like her tears were just expected to be apart of her everyday life. It was times like that, when I opened my door to see her tear-streaked face that I found myself hating the world I brought her into. I had just laid down to rest, having spent the last week in L.A. rehearsing for my promotional tour, when I found her standing on my front stoop hugging her body while her head was lowered away from the cameras that wouldn’t stop flashing from the bushes in front of my house. I spotted Lonnie and Willow on the lawn pushing back anxious reports as I pulled her into me before closing the door. I had to push down the anger that rose within me at the sight of her, her soft eyes looking up at me through coated tears that ran the length of her beautiful face. I had seen her too often like this, and sitting here now- holding her- I realize I can’t take this shit anymore.

“ I just got off the phone with LAX…they got her bags.” I bit down on my lips to keep from lashing out, she had finally fallen asleep and I didn’t want to wake her up. It would only upset her more, and it took me damn near an hour to get her calm down from before. The damn bastards didn’t even wait until she stepped foot off the plane, Willow told me they attacked the shit out of her the moment the air cleared around her. Bryne had wanted to surprise me, she and Willow had arranged to meet at the airport and by the time Willow got to her Bryne was backed into a corner with at least a hundred microphones shoved in her face. The airport security could barely handle the mob scene, and by the time Willow and Lonnie could break through the crowd, Bryne was already huddled in a feeble position covering her head as a shield. There wasn’t enough time to even get to baggage claim so as to avoid the paparazzi onslaught.

“ How the fuck could you let her do this?!” It was wrong to lash out on Willow, but my frustration couldn’t keep me from doing so. I didn’t understand why Bryne couldn’t just be left alone, why we couldn’t just deal with this shit between us. It wasn’t fair that she had to answer to the world when she didn’t even have the chance to answer to me. We didn’t even know that the fuck to do about our situation, and it wasn’t like I could demand anymore than I had from her. How could I ask her to give up everything to be with me when she would have to deal with shit like this on a regular basis? Part of me knew that I couldn’t and the other part of me wished she just would- without me having to ask. I know what I come with, I know what I’ve been and I’m certainly no guarantee when you take all that into consideration- but I’m trying. I’m trying to be understanding, I’m trying not to be selfish- fuck I’m even trying to be patient. The shit is eating away at me though. See, I’m not just angry at these motherfuckers that point cameras all day- I’m not even entirely mad at those sleazy ass magazines that exploit us at every cost- who I’m most mad at is the one person I don’t even want to be mad at. I keep telling myself that love is patient and understanding, and that this is some new shit that’s going to require some shit I aint never been before- but I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

“ Whoa Timbertoad…how in the fuck is this my fault?” Willow gathered her brow and threw me a perplexed look as she hissed the words through her teeth. Bryne only stirred in my arms as I thought about how none of it was her fault. If anything, Willow was trying to be the supportive best friend, but it didn’t seem to matter enough in light of everything that happened. Willow had to know that this wasn’t an ordinary relationship between two people, one that would allow for such surprises as impromptu visits without prior notification. Bryne couldn’t just board a fucking plane out of New York to L.A. without the whole fucking world catching wind of it, which meant there could be no surprise visits.

“ You knew she was coming…why the fuck didn’t you tell me?!”

“ It was suppose to be a surprise you asshole!” this time Willow wasn’t so quite in voicing her response, which in return woke Bryne up. Her eyes opened to me and the look they gave me shattered the remains of my restraint. The anger filled inside of me, making it even more obvious that I was pissed by the way my jaw flexed and my eyes moved across the room. I didn’t want to be angry, but what else could I be? Everything about this situation was fucked up and we were passed the point of touching to make it better. I couldn’t just take her in my arms, and I couldn’t just fill her space and make this shit go away.

“ Willow what’s going on?” She lifted herself from my lap and instinctively looked at Willow for answers. Silence fell over the room, as I stared at nothing in particular trying hard to figure out what to do with the frustration building inside of me. I wanted to scream..I wanted to fucking cry, I wanted to do something more than just hold her and pretend her tears didn’t hurt me just as much as her still being with Miranda did.  I mean why the fuck was she still in that apartment? Why wasn’t she out here in L.A. with me in the first place? Why didn’t she cut all her fucking ties with that woman if it was me she really wanted to fucking be with? I didn’t know if I had a right to feel this way, but it didn’t stop me from feeling it just the same.

“ Why don’t you ask that pompous fuck sitting next to you.” Grabbing her purse, Willow started towards the door. I knew her eyes were bearing into me, but I ignored their piercing gaze as she moved passed me. “ I’ll go grab your stuff Bry…call me later.” We just sat in silence after the door slammed closed and Willow left us alone. I didn’t know what I wanted to say? I didn’t know if there was anything I could say that would keep this moment from escalating even further. We had to talk about the shit sometime…I just don’t know if either of us is ready for it.

“ Justin…” she grabbed my jaw and  turned my eyes towards hers. She still had the few strands stuck to her face, and I couldn’t stop my hand from going to remove it. She kept my palm against her cheek, searching my eyes as she moved in and kissed me. I hadn’t tasted her in so long, and before I knew it I was swept up in our kiss, moving my lips against hers as my hands traveled down her throat and the open space of her chest. She wore a scoop neck tee that had the flesh of her breast practically spilling out of it. My hands went to feel her and her hands went up chest until they both wrapped around my neck and pulled me closer to her. Before I could stop myself, I was lying on top of her, fitting my hands between us to unbuckle her jeans and open her up even more to me.

“ I missed you.” She moaned and I felt her shudder under my touch as I moved my hand across her panty line. I couldn’t help but think about how long it’s been since Miranda touched her like this- had it been a week or just a day. An image of Bryne and her lover popped into my head stopping my hand from moving any further, and a sickening feeling formed in the pit of my stomach. How long had it been since Miranda made love to her? I couldn’t stop thinking about it as I moved away from Bryne and stood off the couch. I couldn’t even stand to be next to her right now. Not when all I could think about was whether or not the woman I loved was still making love to another woman. The feeling wasn’t one I was too familiar with, it wasn’t one I liked all that much either.

“ What’s going on Justin?” she followed me into the kitchen where I went to grab a beer, something I know my nutritionist would have a cow about later on- but something I just needed to have right now. My head wasn’t right, my mind hadn’t been where it needed to be in a long time and judging by the questions that still clouded it- I had a long way to go for clarification.

“ You tell me Bee.” Her shirt sagged where my hand had pulled at it just moments before, exposing her pink lace bra that did more to distract me from what it was we needed to talk about. Instead of one gulp I sucked down two gulps, almost finishing the bottle by the time I lifted it from my mouth. I was going to need something harder…

“ You know I thought you’d be happy to see me…”

“ Bryne…just what the fuck were you thinking? That you could come out here, unnoticed and make your way to my house without the fucking paps hunting you down! What the fuck kind of stupid ass shit is that?!” The way she cowered should have encouraged me to stop, but I was pissed. It was dumb as hell for her to try to come out here without any guards and it was even dumber for me to keep up this ridiculous pretense. Just what the fuck was going on with us?

“ You ungrateful bastard! I was trying to surprise you… I wanted to see you. I didn’t expect for that to happen!” her voice was shaky, but the anger was evident enough. She was still standing in the doorway, staring at me through those damn eyes that could undo me just like that. I didn’t look at her, I couldn’t…so grabbed the bottle of E&J from out the freezer. Usually I had my shit over ice, but I didn’t have time for such a luxury. I needed to get something in me, so I could stop thinking about being inside of her enough to talk about why the fuck it was that she still shared her bed with Miranda. I threw back the glass of liquid and moved to pour another one. I should have considered talking about this sober, but I was too afraid that I would hear something I didn’t want to. Like that she loved Miranda…fuck I already knew that. What I didn’t know was whether or not she loved me. For all the bullshit the paparazzi starts, this is the bullshit that I think about. We could be in the papers for the rest of our lives, that’s not the shit that killed me…it’s not knowing what the fuck we had that ate at me the most.

“ Why the fuck are you here…Miranda out of town?”

“ Fuck you.”

“ And we’re back to that.” I laughed, but really there wasn’t shit funny at the moment. I poured another glass, gulping down the entire contents of the glass before fixing my gaze on her. She was looking between me and the damn bottle and I lifted the bottle in offer. She drew her mouth in and lowered her eyes to the ground before lifting them back towards me. This time around they were welded with tears, her mouth tight with regard.

“ Why don’t we try dealing with this without alcohol?” she spoke calmly, the words having no effect on me as I began to feel that familiar sensation flush over me. I didn’t drink much, I actually preferred to partake in recreational drugs but those were more likely to be suspected- especially during prep for promotional touring. I could at least sleep these effects off and deal with the aftermath of a hangover for no more than a few hours. I didn’t care at the moment that drinking now would mean an even harder time during dance rehearsals tomorrow morning, I just cared that it would help me get through this next moment.

“ I thought this was your drug of choice?” I was being an asshole, but somehow that didn’t seem to register, not even after she grabbed the glass from me and threw it against the wall. I grabbed her hand before she reached for my bottle and pulled her away from the counter, pinning her against the frame of the doorway. Her hands went against my chest as she looked up at me, my eyes could see the hurt but I wondered if she could see mine. Did she know that I thought about her every night? That I wondered if it was some other woman holding her the way I wanted to hold her?  Did she know I severed every tie to anything that would stand in the way between us- and that it killed me that she didn’t do the same. Could she imagine loving someone as much as I love her just to find that it may not be the same in return? It’s been harder and harder for me to convince myself that I wasn’t just apart of some type of experimentation. I’m trying to tell myself that she is afraid of me, but it seems like she’s not afraid of me- just not in love with me. I could have sworn I heard her say it, but I must have been mistaken because nothing like that has come out of her mouth since. I’m beginning to lose my ground…in fact, I may have already lost it.

“ How could you say that Justin…you know…” her voice broke off, but I knew what she was going to say. She had told me about her drinking problem, and how it was her medication through tough times. I shouldn’t have said that, but she shouldn’t still be living with another woman.

“ That’s the thing Bee….I don’t know. What the fuck is it that you want from me?” I was too close to her. I wanted to kiss her, just take the words right out of her mouth, because if they weren’t what I wanted to hear it didn’t matter for her to say them. The hands that pushed against my chest now gripped my shirt, as I leaned in and kissed her without thinking. This was hardly the time to be kissing, but there we were, and I couldn’t stop myself from exploring her mouth. She opened her legs to me, and as I moved her up the wall, I wrapped her legs around me. She grabbed the back of my neck and I stumbled against the other side of the doorway as she took charge of our kiss. My hands pulled at her shirt until it gathered around her bra and I was able to unsnap the hook of her bra. I could feel her breast release against my chest and helped her pull the bra and shirt over her head. I wasn’t suppose to be doing this, I was suppose to be demanding answers, but the way her skin felt against the thin material of my tank I couldn’t remember what it was I was suppose to be angry about. Her hands went under my tank and without much effort, she tore it open and pressed her warm skin against mine. I missed her, the way her skin felt, the way her lips worked into mine, even the way my hands tangled in her hair when I pulled her head back to kiss her throat. I moved us to the kitchen island and sat her down on the counter, taking the time to pull back and look at her. It wasn’t fair that I had to gather my thoughts with her sitting in front of me looking the way she did. I wanted to make love to her, I wanted to fill her until there was no separation left between the both of us. I wanted that to be enough, but I knew it wouldn’t…I needed more from her.

“ Bee what do you want from me?” I closed my eyes, whispered the words against her lips and silently held my breath as I waited for her answer. She kissed me, her lips gently moving against mine, but it wasn’t an answer for me. I pulled back and lowered my head, moving my hands to either side of her. I tried to ignore the way her nipples pointed out at me, beckoning me to take them in my mouth, but the way they moved with every shallow breath she took made it hard them hard to ignore.

“ I want you to make love to me.” I knew she would say that, but I wanted her to say something more. Something that would last longer than now, something that would carry us through and make us stronger than any attack from forces beyond our control. I could make love to her every minute of everyday, and she would never have to ask. I wanted to stop asking though, I wanted to stop wondering if it would be okay to love her…I wanted to know she loved me too.

“ And after that Bee…what do you want…” I moved away from her and put my hands on the sink, unable to be that close to her anymore. I had given up everything for what seemed like nothing. All she wanted was the same shit that I’d given every other girl before, and what I was trying to give her was something more.

“ Justin….”

“ Put your clothes on Bryne.” I kept my back to her, lowered my head and fought back the pain that was threatening to pour through my eyes. No one had ever had me like this, and it was sad to think that no girl would ever have me like this again. It was a mistake to think I could change into something I just wasn’t…especially for someone who didn’t even want it.

“ Justin, look at me…” she was off the counter and standing behind me, her hands were on my back and my skin warmed under her touch. How could she do this to me? How could she have such an effect on me, great enough to have me wanting more than just a mind blowing fuck. This shit had me tripping forreal and I didn’t have anyone else to blame but me.

“ Get dressed Bryne…Lonnie will take you wherever you have to go.” I moved away from her and walked out the backdoor to my house where I knew I’d find Lonnie and the rest of the guards that looked after me. I ripped the rest of my tank off of me and threw the material on the ground as I met eyes with Lonnie. “ Give her a minute…and then take her where she needs to go.” With a curt nod, Lonnie agreed and I motioned for Angelo- the new hire- to follow me to my Mercedes. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and for a moment I didn’t think I’d be able to do it…

“ You okay boss?” Angelo peered over at me from the passenger seat, questioning the hesitation that washed over me. Clearing my throat , I turned the key in the ignition and hoped that by the end of this drive I could clear my head.