I want to disappear into a black hole. At least there I wouldn’t be surrounded by the mayhem that I single handedly created, no… I would be surrounded by nothingness – complete, utter, nothingness that wouldn’t require an impossible solution- because there would be no impractical problem. But I have no black whole, in fact I have nothing but problems and I’m doing nothing to see my way out of them. I can’t leave Justin alone, I’ve tried, and very miserably failed. What should have torn us apart, what should have completely unsettled any semblance of a relationship we might have had, seemed to have somehow brought us closer together. I know he’s angry, more than that I know he’s hurt. In fact, I know he wants to hate me, probably as much as I have been trying not love him, but in either case it’s not working. He’s always there, willing to take me into his arms, even if it’s just to hold me and stop me from crying. I’m the reason for my own pain, I’m the reason for his pain, and yet he holds me- he takes it away from me. He carries it on his shoulders, hides his hurt behind his warm and encouraging smiles that soothe my troubled heart and erases all the fear and doubt I show up with. I know I shouldn’t go to him, but I always end up there. Not even the chaotic attempts of the paparazzi keep me from showing up at his door, and they have tried. I’m followed everywhere, questioned every moment of the day and the questions have long since stopped being solely about Justin. In fact, it’s my relationship with Miranda that has now taken full focus. They want to know if we have the same gynecologist, whether we prefer tampons or pads, do we use sex toys and are we fans of role playing. It’s ridiculous, and that’s not even the worst of it! Several men have come forth claiming to have been the reason why I was thwarted into becoming a lesbian, even more woman claiming to be the ones that “turned me out” and a slew of commentators have made several ridiculous remarks on my selfishness as a “double minded dike” who seduced their beloved icon. I never realized the effects a printed insult could have, but with an array of them, I found myself in a depressed state. With the world, and my guilty mind to deal with, I feel alone and detested- all because I couldn’t shake my need for one man. Then there was Belinda, who has pretty much casted me out of our circle of acquaintances and even succeeded in convincing several of my clients- her fellow artist friends- to withdraw their business. Whereas I had seven shows coming up in the next two weeks, I now only had three- one of which happened to be the long-overdue release party for JC. As it was now, we were seated in the back of a cab, on our way to the venue to organize for the first sound check. Understanding my need for an extension, and sympathizing with my situation, he opted for pushing back the date so that it no longer fell on his birthday- which was tomorrow- but would now be scheduled two weeks from now- Saturday, August 22nd. He took one look at me this morning, where we met up in my office, and instantaneously announced that he wanted his event pushed back. He pretended to blame it on his need to rework a few tracks, but I knew he was doing it for me. I nearly cried, in fact I did cry, right onto his linen shirt as he hugged me tightly in response to my outburst. Crying was becoming a habit of mine, and I hated that it happened to always come whenever a man was present. Justin could soothe my tears, he could take them away as quickly as they fell, wrapping my mind around whatever his hands, tongue, or lips happened to be doing to me at the time. With JC, it was different. We of course, weren’t as intimate as Justin and I, but we had developed somewhat of a friendship that allowed me to release a lot of pent up emotion without having to explain the reasoning behind it. He was a listener, a damn good one too, and it was after talking most of my problems out- without the aid of alcohol- that I found myself discovering solutions. He was a diamond to me in these rough times, and had profound insight- being that he wasn’t directly linked to anything I was going through. I cherished his advice- and even more than that, I cherished his friendship.
“ Relax Bry..it’ll all pass over.” I proceeded to roll my eyes and push back the tears that, once again, threatened to fall. The National Inquire lay in my lap, and on the front page- there I was with the words DYKE printed across me. Justin’s name wasn’t even mentioned, although he was in a sub shot kissing Cameron Diaz in the outlined corner beside me. It was an older picture of the two, from what I could tell, though it didn’t lighten the sting from seeing it. I know his relationship with Cameron was nothing like what the picture implied, in fact, I’m beginning to believe it never had been. He told me that Ben, her PR agent, has been lighting fire under his ass as a result of all this bad publicity and that he could honestly give two shits about the garbage Ben spewed at this point. He looked convincing, even sounded convincing, but I know it’s not just Cameron’s image he has to be worried about. He had been offered several roles, many of which I think he took up on, and in light of everything that was going on, there was a strong chance those proposals could be withdrawn- especially since nothing had been set in stone. He of course hadn’t told me that, Justin had done his best not to involve me in any of that, but his lawyer, Bill, didn’t share his same sentiment. In fact, Bill had made a personal appearance at my office, making no qualm about stating his purpose- which was to rid Justin of any bad publicity at any means necessary. He seemed like a nice enough guy, he even tried to stay polite, but all that was thrown out the window when he got down to business. He was prepared to offer me a quarter of a million dollars to stay out of Timberlake’s life- which meant cutting all ties- and going back to my life as it were before him. I didn’t even hesitate when I declined, not even able to imagine my life without Justin- regardless of how complicated it was to imagine my life with him in it. There were many things that I was unsure of, but only one thing I knew. I was in love with Justin. I didn’t know what to do about it, was too terrified to say it out loud, but it was the one thing I knew.
“ Really…then what?” I looked at JC, whose eyes showed their understanding of a situation so troubled their might not be any hopes in rectifying it. He smiled tenderly, and drew a finger across my cheek, wiping away a traitorous tear. I didn’t want to cry, but it seemed like I had no control over these damn tears anymore. I lowered my head and basked in the warmth of his consoling hand, wishing he could just wipe away all the tears still waiting inside.
“ Then…you move on. Life is life Bry..it just so happens that we’re unfortunate enough to have all our business broadcasted.”
“ I’m not the celebrity.”
“ Well… I beg to differ.” We both glanced down at the magazine and laughed, a first for me that day. He grabbed the magazine and brought it eye level, looking skeptically over the page. He cocked his head to the side, and a sly grin crossed his face as he sized up the picture they had of me sitting by a pool in my black bikini. I remembered the picture from an event I hosted last summer, when Victoria Secret headlined a celebration of summer. I remember being so excited about the event that I spent well over $200 on the barely there black bikini and another $350 on the Christian Dior heels I doned. I was praying that I’d get snapped and placed in a magazine, of course I never imagined this is where I’d end up. “ Your looking good Bry…”
“ Shut up!” I knew he was playing, or at least I thought he was. His blue eyes scanned over me and then back onto the picture, licking his lips while knodding slowly.
“ So..all that..is under all this?!” he motioned towards my khaki dress, his eyebrows dancing, and I socked him in his left shoulder. He was such a flirt, rightly so though- because I did look very appetizing- even the harsh words printed across me couldn’t hide that.
“ You bet it is.” I smirked and rolled my eyes at our banter, slowly slipping out of my depressed state. That’s what I liked about being around JC, he didn’t change the facts, but could always change the outlook. I could have just decided to focus on the ugly things that were being said about me, but looking at it from JC’s point of view- I decided I did look damn good in that bathing suit!
“ Damn… how’d Miranda and Justin get to be so lucky?” he breathed and settled back into his seat. I looked over at him, momentarily sizing him up, and wondering if all that he said was completely in jest. It was very obvious that JC was a handsome man, even more obvious that he could attract even a blind woman, but what wasn’t so obvious was whether or not his playfulness meant he had been- or was- attracted to me. I could have asked him, but my life had enough troubles, and it wasn’t like I’d be interested in adding on another. Besides, my heart was already convinced it belonged to Justin, regardless of everything that threatened to stand against it. JC was just a good friend, a very attractive good friend, but a good friend nonetheless.
