I hate that this building does not have an intercom system. I know it’s a stretch to wish for a gated community in this urban area, but the least this city could do- to provide a slice of privacy for its residents- is install a basic intercom system in every apartment building. Had this building been equipped with one, I wouldn’t be half sliding, half running to the door in nothing but an undersized towel and my wet hair to cover me- in an attempt to answer the incessant knocks in a timely fashion. I was anxious for my Chinese food that I had just ordered, knowing that if I lost the chance of getting it now, that it wouldn’t be until three hours later that the delivery boy would make it back to this side of town with my order. Delivery was one of the pangs of New York, you either answer the door with the first three knocks, or lose out altogether. I learned the hard way one starving evening, and have since stopped paying with credit card and am always equipped with cash and a back up plan. Tonight, I couldn’t take any chances, I had a shit load of work to catch up on. JC’s event was less than a week away, and I was no where near prepared. I had lost my mind and my focus, amongst other things, since I signed on for this event. Justin was undoing me, in every way possible, and every part of my life was suffering with the repercussions. I didn’t even attempt to look out the peep whole before I threw the door open. It didn’t even matter that the person on the other side was in for a sight, and that some dirty faced boy was about to get the peep show of his life. I just wanted my damn food, and I meant to grab it before the little rascal turned to leave. I had a sneaking feeling that it was going to be that little brat boy Simon, the one that always counted back less change than was actually expected. He was all of twelve, and the son of the woman who swept the Chinese shop, but had the street smarts con artists would kill for. I’d been ordering food for the past three years from the same place, and he’d been the one to deliver each and every time. I used to think he was too young, but that was until I caught swift to his game and realized the little rebel always quoted me a price higher than previously given- the little wretch added in his own tips. We had a system though, as long as he promised to give me enough time to answer the door before scurrying off with my food- I’d keep giving him his tips. It’s worked thus far, and even though his knocks were a little more harsh than usual- I’d still give him a few extra bucks.

“ Alright Si..keep your eyes forward….” My voice faltered when I realized it wasn’t a scrawny dirty faced boy at all that had been pounding on my door, but in fact- it was Justin. My heart leapt, my throat dried and tongue turned to cotton as I stared gaped mouthed at him. His eyes blazed with anger, causing his usual crystal spheres to turn into a hot blue flame. I could sense he was angry, everything about the way he looked said so, but that still didn’t stop my knees from bucking. “ Justin?” He didn’t say anything, which made my anxiety heighten. His eyes took there time moving over my body, and what I thought was a flash of warm relief, quickly washed over back into that previous cold stare. If he had been affected by my near naked and wet state, that moment had clearly passed. “ What are you doing here?”

“ We need to talk.” He pushed his way inside, grabbing a hold of my arm and guiding us into my living room. I yanked my arm away the moment the door slammed closed and watched as he stood in stony silence boring his eyes into me.

“ Justin what is going on?” I was afraid to ask, even more afraid to hear the answer. I’ve had the chance to see many sides of Justin Timberlake, and this was a side I was most unfamiliar with. He looked stricken with anger, but that didn’t explain all that was going on with him. His mouth was drawn together, his jaw was tight, his eyes were even lowered into slits, but something about him looked like it was on the brink of breaking. Like at any moment, his anger would disappear and in its place…I don’t know, something, something that looked to vulnerable to even mention would take over. I didn’t know what I could possibly be thinking, as my next move was to go right to him and place my arms around him. I had missed him so much, my body had missed him, my  lips had missed his, pretty much every part of me had missed him- except my thoughts that is. Since the moment I last left him, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, which made this moment- with him in my living room- frightening but relieving all the same. I don’t know why he’s here, or even why he’s looking at me like that, and I’m sure the fact that Miranda was no where in sight and wouldn’t be for at least a few more hours- did nothing to dissuade me from wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him towards me. I didn’t even notice his resistance, I don’t think I even cared; all I wanted was for his mouth to be against mine, his hands to be all over my body. At first he just stood there, I could feel something inside of him holding out- trying to keep him from responding to me, but my lips didn’t stop and my towel definitely slipped and instantly his hands were on me and his lips were moving with mine. I didn’t think about his hesitation, I didn’t even think about the promise I made to Miranda, all I could think about was how much I missed him. I was so lost in our kiss, in the way his hands kneaded their way into my bare flesh, in the way his kiss shortened every breath I made. He was consuming, and I was so willing to give in to him, like the past three days never happened. Like I didn’t promise my girlfriend I would end this, like I didn’t vow to stay away from him. As if he could read my thoughts, he pushed away from me and kept my body at a distance. The warmth, when he was near, immediately vanishing and in its place the cold reality of our distance.

“ Put something on.” He growled, his face turned away from me, his voice laced with disgust. My eyes questioned him, but he wouldn’t even look at me, didn’t even bother to acknowledge my confusion. Stepping away from him, I gathered my towel and wrapped it around my body. I was confused, very much unsettled and slowly growing angry in my perplexity.

“ What is this Justin?”

“ You tell me…what the fuck is this? A little experimentation…did you wanna see how good the dick felt?!” My mouth dropped open, and I’m sure my face flushed several shades of red. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, because the person that spoke these words sounded nothing like the person I’d been with these past few months. He was morphing into someone I didn’t know existed inside of him, right before my eyes. His words cut throw me like a dirty knife and I felt about as insignificant as one of his little groupies that follow him around. Where the fuck was all this coming from? Was he really trying to imply that I was just after him because I heard he could fuck real well? Had he always felt this way, and if so, why did he have the nerve to look so hurt? Like I was the one spewing this hurtful bullshit at him?

“ Don’t you talk to me like that you fucking bastard!” I didn’t know what else to say, what could I say. Would now be the time to tell him that I’d been lying all this time, that I actually had a girlfriend, and that my intentions were to never like him, let alone fall for him and now that I….now that I have these twisted feelings for him I don’t know what to do with them. It was a conversation we needed to have, because as hard as I tried to forget about him, the way he made me feel, I couldn’t deny it.

“ How should I talk to you B? How the fuck should I talk to you?!... I guess honesty wouldn’t work with you ‘cause that’s some shit you obviously don’t know shit about!”  I opened my mouth to respond, but before the words could come out, realization had set in. My mouth hung open as I choked on my own ignorance and I watched his face burn with anger. His eyes broke away from mine, and just before they did I noticed the panged look inside them. “ What the fuck B?.....Is the shit true?” his voice broke, his shoulders shook with disbelief as he stood waiting for me to answer him. I hated myself, in that moment, the way he looked at me, the way it looked like his heart broke right before me, it made me want it all to be a lie. It made me want to have never known Miranda, to have never been the person I’ve been, leading the life I’d been leading up until now. I didn’t want to be that person, that reason, that had him standing here falling apart, breaking down before me. “ Is it true?” there was anguish, there was resentment, but most of all that was present in his voice was pain. It was the pain in him that brought the tears that fell from my eyes, it was the pain in him that kept me silent, not wanting to say the words that would make this moment change the course of whatever it was we could have had. “ Shit B…is it true?!”

“ I’m sorry Jus…”

“ Fuck that!! Is it true?!” He screamed, his voice rising to a depth I never imagine it could. His face was distorted, he was a vision of  torment, and all I wanted was to be able to erase that look in his eye. That look that told me I betrayed him, that told me I mislead him, that made certain I know that all that he felt for me before this moment was enough to undo him and have him standing here begging me to alter the truth. If I could just say that it was a lie, that I was everything I had portrayed myself to be, then it would be okay… but it wasn’t, and I had lied. I had lied to him, to myself, and created something in us that would never have the possibility of growing because I wasn’t strong enough to do the right thing. I could have done anything, I could have been honest, and maybe that might have given us a chance. But I lied.

“ I didn’t mean for you to….”

“ B..baby tell me. This shit is crazy…fucking tell me!” he moved across the room until he was standing in front of me and he had my shoulders in between his hands. His scent filled me, taking me back to those times when he would be so near and I could touch him, and kiss him even though I shouldn’t. A time where he welcomed my touch, even yearned for it. A time when it didn’t look like it killed him to do so, like it did right now. His fingers squeezed me, his heart crying out to me in that single contact. My hands went to his chest, needing to feel him, moving underneath his shirt until my palm was against his warm skin. His heart was beating so fast, his breathe was so rapid, his fight building trying to outweigh that same need that encouraged me. I leaned my head against his chin and listened to his quickened breathe, wishing I could change everything. I could feel his fists balling beside him, his resistance fighting against me. I brought my head up- and kissed his neck, and I could feel the electricity from the pressure of my lips against his skin. I stroked his chest, thankful that his shirt could catch my tears, and kissed the crevice between his neck and shoulder. Moving my hands around his chiseled waist, I moved my lips further up until they rested against his. His breath was hot against me, his hands still balled into fists beside me. I kissed the side of his mouth softly, my hands moving up and down his back, massaging his tense muscles, needing him to just give into me, just this once, for this moment- if it was going to be our last. I knew after this I wouldn’t have him, even more than that I knew he couldn’t have me. I made a commitment to someone else, someone else was promised my heart. I couldn’t walk away from that like it was nothing, no matter how much I wanted him, Justin wasn’t what I needed. That’s what I told myself, that’s what I’ve been reminding myself of these past three days. But all was forgotten when I saw him, I couldn’t even say the words that needed to be said to hold true to my promise to Miranda. I couldn’t even say them now. All I could do was touch him, that’s all I could do.

“ Shit B…” he breathed, tightening his hold on me as his lips moved to cover mine. I wasted no time parting his own lips with mine, to feel the warmth of his mouth meshing with mine. He kissed me hard, held me even tighter and broke through that resistance that kept him at bay. His hands moved down my arms, to my waist, down the length of the towel that covered me until his fingers brushed across my bare thigh. I kissed him deeper, wanting to silence his fight, wanting to ignore my own conscious. I hadn’t felt him in days, and I couldn’t stop myself from needing him now. It was wrong, I was wrong, but he felt so right. I pulled him to me, backing us up against a wall so that his body could press fully into mine and I could feel the strength of him. He buried his lips into the crevice of my neck and moved his hands even further beneath the towel. I gasped in response and lifted my leg to encourage his access. I didn’t know how far we would go, there was no telling when we would stop, it didn’t matter to me at that point. Whenever I was with him, nothing ever mattered. I didn’t know if that scared me or excited me, either way, it did something to me. His hands moved over my thigh, met my private lips and hesitated at their entrance. When I settled my head against the wall and moved eyes towards his, I could see his uncertainty. Even more than that, I could feel my certainty, which took over me and moved me to guide his fingers inside of me. We watched each other as our fingers met my moistness, moving apart my folds, sending his further inside me. His mouth was parted, his eyes clouded with so much emotion, his body stricken with pleasure. I gasped in delight and moaned out his name as he stoked my walls and brought forth emotions I kept buried inside. He placed his hand on the side of my head, supporting himself on the wall, as his fingers stimulated me. His eyes watched me, catching every distortion of my face as he drove me wild with every fingered stroke. I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted his eyes to stop watching me, so that I didn’t say something I didn’t mean to and he didn’t see something I didn’t intend for him to.

“What’d you do to me girl.” He whispered, leaning his head against mine as I moaned out my pleasure. “ Bryne what the fuck did you do to me?” his voice cracked with emotion, his fingers moved purposefully with it, and I felt my walls tighten around them. Just as I thought I reached that point of no return, he slipped his fingers from inside of me and pinned his free hand on the other side of my head. My breathing was increased, my awareness heightened, the torture of his departure killing me slowly. “ Fuck!” He screamed slamming his hand against the wall, his head still rested against mine. I winced at the sound of his voice, and moved to touch his face, but he turned from me, his jaw set in wrought emotion. His breathing still hadn’t settled, his resolve strengthening as his resistance built back up with each moment we spent apart. I just wanted his fingers placed back inside of me, his lips still against mine, I didn’t want this separation..I didn’t want reality to set back in.

“ B tell me… I need to here you say it. I need to know I have a reason…” his voice broke off and his eyes moved over mine, revealing the source of his agony. I could have died on sight, because I already knew what he wanted to say. It was what I wanted to say, what I’ve been fighting to keep from saying, what I’ve been telling myself couldn’t be possible between us. “ I need to know I have a reason to hate you.” With each word it looked like it hurt him more to speak it. Like it was a battle he was fighting, but found no reason to win. “ Because I can’t stop loving you.” He choked out the words, slamming his fist into the wall, lowering his head in defeat. His body trembled with emotion, his pain etched throughout his countenance as he pushed off of the wall and headed towards the door.

“ Justin…I’m sorry.” I could have said anything. I could have told him that I never meant too hurt him, that it was never about testing the waters or trying something out. I could have told him that since the day I met him my life has changed and nothing about how it used to be was enough to satisfy me anymore. I should have told him that I fought harder than him, denied the very notion of the idea of it, but there was nothing in all that I did- or could do- that stopped me from loving him. But I didn’t say those things, I just took the easy way out and watched as the man I loved, turned his back on me and walked out the door.