Chapter 15 b
“ You wanna slow down?” I had no inclination to stop, in fact I had every desire to finish the bottle and grab another one. Whoever said drinking away your worries was a bad idea obviously never tried Charbay Vodka, which happens to be my favorite alternative to Mr. Goose. Charbay has this way about her, since I’ve deduced to genderizing my favorite liquours, which allows me to transform my big problems into minute mishaps. Now, the fact that I’ve spent the last night in the arms of another man when I’m currently committed to a woman doesn’t seem so bad…at least not in the fuzzy light of my current mental state. I love my vodka. So naturally, I down the rest of my glass and move to pour another one.
“ Bryne… slow down!” I watched in horror as JC grabbed the bottle from me, flipped the top off and proceeded to pour the remaining liquid down the drain of the sink. I didn’t even blink as I watched the pour girl slosh down into the metal surface and whirl down the drain. I was vastly approaching my needed numbing state and I watched as the last push over the anthill emptied down the drain.
“ Are you serious?”
“ Are you? Bryne… this shit is getting carried away. You have a problem.” JC slammed the empty bottle into the can and marched back over to the bar, where I was seated staring at my lonely ice cubes. I rolled my eyes and clucked my tongue; he was definitely in the running for Captain Obvious.
“ No shit Hamlet.” I frowned momentarily, guessing that Hamlet wasn’t quite the right character, but assured myself that it didn’t matter all the same. I was in a heap of shit, I already knew that, which is why I chose to devour my Charbay so that the heap of shit could turn into a goose down pillow and I could forget- if just for the night- the pile of shit it really is.
“ Listen Bry…”
“ No YOU listen JC! This man…YOUR friend, has completely fucked my entire world! I no longer know if I’m coming or going, if I’m straight or gay…and he..HE makes me want to forget about Miranda, forget about the past and be with him. BE WITH HIM.” I choked over the words like I couldn’t believe I was saying them. Like I hated the fact that they even fell from my mouth. I wasn’t suppose to fall for Justin, I never intended to give myself to him, I didn’t mean to fall…. “ JC… I’m going crazy. I can’t stop myself. I don’t even want to.” I cried, like a pitiful baby. Like the sad excuse for the person that I was, a person that would break many hearts if I continued to act on that forbidden feeling that lingered just beneath the surface for Justin.
“ Bryne don’t cry.” He soothed and I ignored his request. My tear ducts opened wider and out poured the secrets of my heart, sliding down my face, swallowing me whole, consuming my very existence, making a mockery of the fight I had against it.
“ I don’t know what to do.” I thought if I said everything outloud, it would all make sense, something would click, and I’d turn away from the very thing that caused all this confusion. I thought maybe JC would talk some sense into me, remind me of my girlfriend, of my best friend, hell… I thought he would make me remember what kind of person Justin really was. You know the kind that kept a girlfriend and a mistress all at the same time, the kind that didn’t care about anyone’s feelings but his own. The kind of person I had seen him as before, nothing like the kind of person my heart now belongs to. This is crazy. It’s quite unfathomable, and if I could just drink the rest of this ridiculousness away, I could find some kind of solace.
“ Drinking is not going to give you an answer.” JC’s voice was stern and if I hadn’t grown fond of him over the past few months, I would have just as soon dismissed his input and charge him for the ruin of my bottle. I could only sigh in response, not willing to totally agree with his logic- no matter how sane it sounded. I don’t believe there is anything I can do short of going insane that would provide suitable answers to rid me of this situation, in fact I think the answer is that there is no simple one. The thought alone depressed me and inched my conscious another step further away from disillusion. I needed another drink. I look over at JC, and the way he’s guarding the liquour cabinet I can tell the feat won’t be easy. He glowers his eyes at me, and I slump further down in my chair, wishing I could disappear all together. How had I come to this point? How did everything change so drastically, how come nothing made sense anymore? I want my normalcy back. I want my mundane existence, where the highlight of my life came on the corner of Canal St when Vinny the Vendor presented me with the newest bag to add to my collection. I was comfortable where I was at. I didn’t have to recognize uncertainty, I didn’t have to battle with emotion or conscious. I was in love with my girlfriend. I was in love with Miranda. There was nothing before to challenge that, now I’m fighting to hold onto the past and afraid to even consider the future.
“ Will you excuse us.” It was not a question, which was evident by the tone of her voice. My heart nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Miranda’s voice that broke through our silence, and I turned to see her standing behind us. I hadn’t heard her come in, and I wondered how much of our conversation she caught. I couldn’t judge from the stone look on her face. I couldn’t read what she was thinking.
“ Certainly.” JC cleared his throat and moved from me. He grabbed for his jacket and gave me one last look before turning to make his exit. I could tell he was silently asking me if I needed him to stay, but I shook my head no in response. Whatever was about to happen was bound to happen and there was no use in prolonging it. He knodded his understanding and smiled towards Miranda before leaving. Miranda said nothing, even after the door closed behind him, she just stood there and watched me. I felt the blood curling in my veins, my heart straining to beat as I awaited her response. She didn’t give me any, just stood there, her face showed nothing, she said nothing, just waited and watched.
“ Say something Mimi.”
“ What do you want me to say? Where were you?” she smirked, although I know she found nothing about this conversation funny. I lowered my head and wished I had more control over the damn tears that could never seem to stop falling. “ I know where you were Mamas.” Her thick Spanish accent wrapped around those words harshly and I could just imagine how her clear brown eyes turning into a deep dark mocha.
“ I’m sorry…”
“ Want me to ask you if you gave yourself to him? What you did with the time that you were gone?!....I know Mamas..I know!” her voice rose with every word and it was only then, at the height of her anger that I could hear her heart breaking. I didn’t have to look at her to know the tears fell from her eyes. I didn’t have to look at her to see the anguish covering her features, I could hear it in her voice. I felt so dirty, like the time I spent with him stained me in her eyes. The eyes of the woman that I loved, the woman I’d been committed to up until last night. How could I have done this to her?
“ Forgive me…”
“ You tell me what you want me to say Mamas. I already know all the answers.” She finally let her sobs break and the tears fell freely from her eyes. I could hear her move to the couch, her ragged sobs filling the room. I moved off my seat and went to her, wishing that I could take all of what happened back. Willing to erase all those feelings, all those forbidden moments I shared with Justin back. What would I gain from them? Nothing, I couldn’t have his heart when it belonged to everyone but no one at the same time. I couldn’t want was never mine to begin with. He wouldn’t love me like Miranda, he wouldn’t commit to me like Miranda. He could only feel the primal need that arose whenever I was around him, and I was only confusing that for something else. Right?
“ I love you Mimi…no one else. I’m so sorry.” I pushed the words out of my mouth, they should have fell easily, but I blamed it on the liquor. This woman loved me, gave me everything I needed. I hurt her, the only person that I should have never betrayed and I did, all because I was gullible enough to fall for his charm.
“ Why did you go to him Mamas..why?” Miranda begged me for an answer, but I didn’t have one. I didn’t want one, I didn’t want to understand my need for him. I didn’t want to recognize going to him as anything other than a bad decision.
“ Say you forgive me Mimi..I love you..say you’ll forgive me.” I got on my knees on front of her. I moved in between her legs, kissed away her tears, moved my hands to the waist of her jeans and worked to remove them. “ I’m so sorry Mimi…tell me you forgive me.” I spoke against her lips, I moved my fingers inside of her, and I tried..really tried to remove him from my heart. Tears fell from my eyes as Miranda moaned in response and kissed me deeply. I cried as I made love to her and she made love to me, because there was no moving Justin from my heart, when I couldn’t even remove him from my thoughts.
