He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. His mouth is slightly parted, the light air of his breath fans across my forehead and I smile at the moment. Nothing about this moment makes sense; in fact nothing about this moment is right. I should be somewhere else, someone else should be laying here. I shouldn’t still be in his arms, my body shouldn’t still be aching from the love we never should have made. But I am, and my body still remembers his presence. He was much stronger than I expected…thicker than I imagined and his attendance between my thighs still lingered. I rested my head on his moving chest, and listened to him sleep as I thought about the way he moved inside of me. He did so with so much care, like he had known this was my first time. He gave just enough measure, so that I ignored the pain and reveled in the pleasure. I didn’t know I could feel like this, three years of living with a woman, sharing a bed with a woman and last night was the closest I ever felt to another person, last night was the closest I ever let someone get.

What did that say about Miranda and I? How would this change our relationship? These were questions that I should have thought about before, questions that should have stopped me from stepping foot outside my apartment door. I can’t even imagine what Miranda must be thinking at this moment, I don’t even want to.

“ Hey.” He stirred under me and pulled me closer to him, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. His hands moved up and down my arm, and instantly I forgot those troubling thoughts that threatened to ruin this moment. Instead I focused on the way his lips moved against mine, and how easy it was for me to forget everything around me with just one kiss from him. “You’re beautiful in the morning.” He had to be lying. I knew my hair is a matted mess, and I can just imagine how that alone had made me looking. Either way, he was looking at me through soft eyes and his lips were finding their way back to mine, and once again I was forgetting about anything that made sense. I should have been gone, I should at least be leaving, but my body turned with his and my back fell against the bed as he moved on top of me. I inhaled his scent, I tasted his skin and I welcomed his strength. I was too caught up in our kiss to even notice how he slipped inside of me, but when I came to he was there, his length sliding further inside of me until it filled my space and stretched my walls. I gasped, holding tight onto his shoulders, as he moved his hips against me, sliding in then out, easing the discomfort that arose and replacing it completely with delight. I loved the way he felt, there was no other feeling like it. He placed his kisses all over me, held my hips to him as he moved within me, and I felt wave after wave of pleasure wash over me, leaving me in a daze of yearning. He had me feeling like I no longer remembered what it felt like to be without him, like there was no feeling before this. He awakened me, he enthralled me, he made me cry out for him in a way I never cried out for another before. He took his time with me, he wasn’t rushed, and each moment he pulled away was one spent in agony awaiting his return. We had only started, and I was almost to that point. He lifted himself up, so that he was now staring down at us and the look in his eye shook me down to the core. He held my gaze, I couldn’t look away and I watched him make love to me. It was so erotic, it was so thrilling, it filled me with that feeling….that feeling that came over me last night, that took over me and sent words I didn’t know I had falling from my mouth. I bit down on my lip, I felt them coming again, and that just couldn’t happen. But he was moving inside of me, his eyes were bearing into mine, and my body was taking a mind of its own- encouraging my mouth to do the same. I pushed my head back into the pillow, and squeezed my eyes shut, his presence taking over me, those words pushing to come out.

“Don’t hold back Bee.” He whispered against my lips and leaned down to kiss me, saving me from speaking the words I didn’t want to say. When he collapsed, he buried his head in the crevice of my neck and kissed me softly… the thought of leaving never crossing my mind.

I awoke to the sound of Justin’s muffled voice under water, his precise notes and steam escaping through the crack of the bathroom door where he must have been taking a shower. I imagined getting out of the bed and joining him, I could just picture his handsome body glistening with water, me massaging soap on his back, across his chest…and then the door to his room opened.

“ Justin…I hope your decent…” the voice faltered when their eyes met with mine and for a moment I just registered in the shock. It hadn’t even occurred to me that it wasn’t just the fact that I was in Justin’s bed, that had them so surprised, but the fact that I was still naked and the sheet that used to cover me had long since fallen to my waist and now rested in my lap. I rumpled with the cover and wished I could just throw it over my head and disappear under it, but I had no such luck.

“ Ohmigosh!” I hissed moving off the bed, taking all the covers with me, I didn’t know exactly where I thought I was going, but I was making a move anyhow.

“ I’m…sorry..Bryne?” I couldn’t even look at JC, didn’t want to see those questions in his eyes. I had gone this far without letting the guilt settle in, and I was prepared to share that moment with anyone, least of all him, when it finally had. I just stood with my back to him, staring out the window, forcing back the tears that began to surface. It wasn’t until now that I decided to even evaluate this situation. I can’t even imagine how JC is viewing all this. Here I am, a business partner, and I’m shacked up with the man who is cutting the checks when my girlfriend is at home- probably distraught that I left in the first place. Just like that the tears, and the guilt, and the burden of what lies ahead came crashing down on my shoulders, breaking any kind of resistance I had for them up until now.

“ Bryne…”

“ Don’t JC..please.” I cried and gathered the sheets even tighter around me. I had wrapped myself fully inside of them, but no matter the amount of material I still felt naked. I felt exposed, and it was an unsettling feeling.

“ Tell J I stopped by.” I waited for the door to close before I let out a heart wrenching sigh and leaned against the wall. What was I doing? What had I done? I pushed off the wall ad went in search of my clothes. I was kneeling under the bed searching for my underwear when I heard the door to the bathroom open. I wanted to crawl beneath the bed, avoid this next moment, when the morning after finally happened between us. It was well into the afternoon, but we somehow were able to curtail reality and relish in each others presence a while longer, now- what we gladly avoided before was clearly present- and the remorse began to torment me.

“ Are you looking for these?” He held my panties on the edge of his finger, dangling them in front of him. He stood in a towel and nothing else. The look in his eye, the grin on his face was almost enough to make me forget that pang of guilt that bellowed in the pit of my stomach. I stood up, and crossed over to him, to snatch them out of his hand- but he grabbed me instead and stopped me from moving away. He lifted my chin, so that my eyes were in focus with his, and searched them for answers. I hadn’t said a word, but I knew he understood that I was battling with something. I could see it in his eyes, the way they lowered in concern, the way his lips tightened with it, the way his hand cupped my face.

“ Don’t Jusin.” It was all I could say. He had to know this was wrong, even if he didn’t know all there was to know about the situation, he had to know our feelings for each other were wrong. What we did was wrong.

“ This isn’t wrong Bee.”

“ It isn’t right.” The tears were back and I found that I had cried more with him than I had in the last three years of my life. I didn’t even cry this much when my father died, I can’t even remember if I cried. Being with him wasn’t safe for me, it opened up too many wounds, it made me feel things I shouldn’t feel, which made everything about him wrong for me. He had the ability to completely change my life as it was, and until him I didn’t see a need for any change. Now I don’t know anymore, and I’m beginning to believe that I do know- I’m just scared of the answer.

“ I can’t say that it’s not going to hurt…but Bee it would hurt more to fight it.” He sounded so convincing, like he knew what he was talking about. Of course he did, he was a professional player. He had pimped them all, including my best friend. Of course he would know the right words to say, at the right time. He was a master at this game, I am just a gullible pawn. At least that’s what I’ll tell myself.

“ No…I have to go.” I was loosing this battle. He was going to win this match. I could feel it deep inside, the way I just wanted his arms to wrap around me, hold me, how I wanted his lips to kiss away my doubt, how I wanted him to take away my fear. I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. He was not mine for the taking, and I couldn’t be his.

“ Bee, don’t do this.” His eyes were pleading with mine, his restraint was failing and his hold on me had tightened. I ignored the tug at my heart, pushed away the desire to agree and moved away from him. I grabbed for my dress and he grabbed for the sheets. They fell around my ankle and for a moment we just stood there, me staring at him, as his eyes roamed the length of my body. My knees were weakening, and my body was frozen in place, basking in the journey of his eyes across it. He licked his lips, gripped the covers, and walked towards me, like a hunter going after his prey. It lit something on the inside, and my body responded, my heart jumped, and my resistance failed once again. I began to back up, as he moved forward, and was stopped abruptly when I came against the wall. He couldn’t touch me, I couldn’t let him kiss me, if he did, I’d never leave. I’d forget the guilt, I’d forget everything and stay like I wanted to. “ Don’t do this to me.” He pleaded, and I could tell from the strain of his words that it wasn’t something he was accustomed to doing. His hand went to my throat while the other held onto my hip, and he disregarded my protest as he took my breath away with his kiss. We needed to stop, but my hands went to him anyway, and my legs opened to him and just like that I was pinned against the wall- my self-control losing- as I pushed his towel away from him and felt the pressure of his manhood pushing against me. It was the third time, and I would have thought I had enough by now, but I was just as willing to feel him as I had been the first time. This time I didn’t wait for him, I reached for him and guided him in, and could only sigh when I felt him nestled inside of me. He lifted me up by my hips, and used his one hand to position us against the wall, as my body slid up and down the with each passionate thrust. I moaned, folding my arms around his neck as he worked my body mercilessly. His breathing was rapid, his body was tense, and his mouth was right against my ear, his words taking me over the edge.

“ Shit Bryne I need you…don’t fight this.” I couldn’t respond, could barely utter a breath as he moved me closer to my breaking point. I don’t know how he does it, but he gets me lifted, takes me higher than I’ve ever been before. I don’t want to come down, I want to stay floating above all those feelings that would take me from his arms, place me back in reality and leave me without him. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be with him. “ Am I hurting you?” I loved the way his body worked into mine, loved it even more every time I felt my back brush against the wall and heard our bodies come together. He hadn’t done it like this before, and I loved how gentle he was before, but I loved how rough he was now. I not only heard how he felt, I could feel it, with each stroke, I could feel that need revealing itself in me. I was over the edge, I could feel myself coming down all around him, coaxing out his own release. He pushed his body against mine, and stayed within me, holding me as we both came down from our high. It was a moment I wanted to last for ever, just like every moment I’ve spent with him.

“ I need you Bee..” he breathed, his body still pressed into mine- our bodies still connected. I felt him soften inside of me, and I wondered how he managed to keep himself placed inside of me, how I still managed to feel that electricity that goes through me every time he enters. “ I need you…” he just murmured those words, his grip tightening on me, my resolve walking away from me as I fell deeper into the moment. I knew I had to leave, but I still remained

~~~

“Hello?” The words escaped my mind as I stared into my phone and tried to place what it is I wanted to say to him. I should have just hung up, but I knew it would make no difference, since every cellular phone was now equipped with caller id. Instead I sighed heavily and swallowed down hard, wishing I had never placed this call.

“ JC…it’s me Bryne.” I knew the moment that I stepped out of Justin’s sedan, without having even mentioned Miranda that I wasn’t walking away from whatever it was building between us. Not once, in the course of the entire day that I spent laying in his arms, him deep inside of me, me telling him more things I never spoke of to anyone else…no, not once had I mentioned Miranda. It wasn’t even that she was just absent in my thoughts either, she was completely absent from mind- as was everything else. There was something about the connection between Justin and I, that made me want to keep everything at a distance- especially the things that would threaten to break us apart. It was the best I could do, to keep my sanity, and to hold onto something I knew I shouldn’t want to. When I made it upstairs to the apartment, I knew it would be empty. Miranda was already at the club, it was already 10 o’clock in the evening. It gave me time to think about what I should do, how I should handle the confrontation we were bound to have when she came home that night. Would she question me about Justin? Of course she would, she’d want to know whose bed I slept in all night… all morning…all day. I don’t know what I’m going to say, how I’m going to handle it. What could I say? Then there was Belinda. I hate that I’m doing this to her, but I don’t hate it enough. I don’t hate what I’m doing enough to stop for Belinda nor Miranda. It’s a feeling I’m not familiar with, something I never thought I could do to someone else, let alone two people I love. This thing with Justin, whatever it is, is breaking apart the person I used to be. I was a loyal friend, a committed girlfriend, now…there are not even pieces of that person left. I never used to cry, I never talked about my past, I never climaxed more than once a day…if that. I was satisfied…wasn’t I? I wasn’t complaining, I wasn’t wishing for more. Then we kissed, and all that…everything that used to be enough, is no longer enough.

“ I need to explain.” I was desperate to talk to someone, anyone. He knew more about what was going on in my life than the three people that should. Justin knew the past, but he didn’t know the present. He didn’t know about Miranda, I couldn’t tell him. What would he think of me? I know he has a best friend, Lance, that turned out to be gay, and he seems pretty okay with it…but Lance is his friend. Lance isn’t me, he may not be so understanding. Especially since I since I have yet to tell him.

“ Bryne you don’t have to do this….”

“ Yes… I do.” I was sitting at the kitchen bar nook, I had already opened a bottle, but this time Mr. Goose couldn’t help me. I needed to talk to someone. I needed someone to listen, to understand…maybe then they could help me understand.

“ Where are you?”

“ I’m at home. 55th and Walsh.” I swallowed the last of my drink and sighed into the phone. I was so lost, and I didn’t want to bury this problem in alcohol. I wanted to get this out, before it lost itself inside this mess I’ve created. I wasn’t sure if JC would listen, but it was worth a try.

“ I remember where you live Bry.” He laughed and I smiled, before frowning once I remembered. He told me he’d be here in fifteen minutes, and I hung up the phone to wait. I looked at the bottle in front of me, and thought about pushing it away, but then that would mean I have to deal with this sober. I thought about Justin and then I thought about Miranda- how sad she looked when I walked in yesterday. How sad she’ll look when she walks in today. I couldn’t do this alone, and JC could only stay a while. I poured another glass.