Chapter 13b

“Your different.” I didn’t know whether I should take her words as a compliment or a blatant insult. This girl was definitely clear cut, but I was coming to find that you had to know in which direction when it came to understanding her. Willow was a not at all like I expected, and far from anything I could have possibly fathomed in my mind. She didn’t fit into any one thing, and I didn’t know if I should appreciate the fact as much as I do or be wary of it. Either way, I liked her, and from all the special attention she seemed to be bestowing upon me, I think she returned the sentiment.

“I try.” Willow just shrugged and looked out the window to where Justin was emerging from the Michael Kors shoppe. He insisted that we come and grab an exact replica of the shoe I had broken, and I hadn’t even told the man they were my favorite. Thus, I gave only a half hearted attempt and found myself sitting in the backseat of his sedan under the extreme scrutiny of his best friend, the red head woman I didn’t know whether to hate or envy, Willow. I smiled when Justin entered the car, handing me the bag as he settled into his seat across from Willow and I.

“ Really Justin you shouldn’t have..” I smiled despite myself as I pulled out the familiar box that held my shoes and saw that there was another box inside the bag. “ Are these..?”

“ Just in case you have another freak accident.” He laughed and the blush that came across my face happened so sudden it caught me off guard. My mouth dropped open and I just stared at the unopened box, afraid to even touch it. There was no doubt an expensive pair of shoes dwelled inside, since it had taken me well over a month to save to by the shoes I had ruined. And it was one hell of a month, might I add, which consisted of me putting on five events and three fashion shows. I had worked myself to death, just to be able to parade around in the fanciest pair of shoes I owned. Now I have two pair.

“ I’m impressed.” Willow cooed and I smiled towards her. She was very welcoming and even more relaxed than me, since she easily reached onto my lap to pull the box out of the bag. “You were taking to long…” she explained, flipping open the box and looking down in shock. “ OH....MI…GAH!” she brought her hands to her face and just stared in amazement. I shifted my eyes from her to the box and nearly fell onto the seat of the sedan. There was no way he bought me the Court Half d’Orsay pump!

“ Justin..” I could only say his name as I reached out to touch them. It felt like gold in my hand, and although the purchase was probably chump change to him, it was the cream of the fucking crop for me. I looked at him and he looked even happier than I did. My heart melted and my face flushed with embarrassment, but the joy that I felt inside was indescribable. It didn’t even dawn on me that it wasn’t right, and for as long as I’ve known Belinda she never said anything about him spending even a penny on her. I swallowed my joy, and moved the bag off of my lap. The memory of my friend and her gotdamn obsession with the man I could clearly see I was falling for had stricken me with guilt. Then I thought about Miranda. She was noticing a change in me. She had said that I barely even look at her anymore, let alone touch her. Like I didn’t love her. I told her she was being ridiculous, and that these past few weeks have just been really hard for me at work, but she reminded me that I never brought my work home to the bedroom before. Looking over at Justin, I thought about how what was suppose to only be business had clearly turned into something more. I knew it was wrong, but that fact didn’t seem to matter to me when I was with him. Nothing ever seemed to matter.

“I say you two crazy kids ditch me and go work out all this sexual tension! It’s making me miss my man…and he’s only at the hotel!” Willow intruded upon the silence and winked at me when I turned to look at her. Justin choked on his words as I tried to gather a logical answer that would dissuade her assumptions. Nothing came to mind. She began knocking on the window that separated us from the driver and gave illicit directions for him to drop her off at the next corner. I turned to Justin, hoping he would offer protest where I could offer none, and I was met with the same restricted gaze. He just licked his lips and stared at me, the drumming of the motor coming to a stop and the soft squel of the breaks filling the silence.

“ Willow…you don’t have to go.” I didn’t even sound convincing, but I tried for the benefit of what was right. I didn’t need to be alone with Justin, he didn’t need to be alone with me.

“ Save it for later…we’ll have some drinks and laugh about it.” She quipped before smiling over at Justin and climbing out the car.

~~~

I walked into the silence, hoping I would find my way through the darkness without awakening Miranda. It was 3:15 a.m. and I was just walking through the door. I knew she was no longer at the Red Door because I saw that she called me shortly after 2 a.m. I was in the middle of the dance floor with Willow laughing about nothing at all, spilling our drinks on each other, and completely forgetting that I had a girlfriend that would be returning to an empty bed later on in the night. I didn’t think about Miranda, I just thought about how good it felt to be in his company, laughing, kissing, and dancing the night away. I had spent the whole day with him, ever since that moment Willow left us in the car until the moment I stepped out of his sedan to enter through the doors of my apartment building. It wasn’t easily decided, but we did little to work out or sexual tension and instead spent the rest of the day talking about nothing, laughing about everything, and eating more than are stomachs could bear. He told me about his mother, his two younger brothers and how he had spent the better part of his growing pains under the limelight. We even talked about Belinda, he told me how they met, how they were just friends, even how their whole relationship came to be. I can say after having heard all that, I understand a little more why there relationship is that way it is, it doesn’t make me feel any better about us, but it gave me grave insight. I started to tell him about my life. Things that only I really knew about, things not even Miranda knows. I told him about my childhood, I told him about my uncle…I told him why my father ruled his house with an iron thumb. I never talk about Uncle Benji, and I couldn’t believe I was actually talking to Justin about him. Uncle Benji wasn’t a person I often think about, but I found myself thinking about him when I was sitting in his arms, leaning against him, looking out at New York on the top of his office building. We had decided to go up there and enjoy the day, since it would hardly be tranquil amongst a city of people who were undoubtedly his fans and would spend more than enough energy trying to figure out whom the ‘new’ woman he was parading around with was. The roof was decked out with huge cushioned lounge chairs and shade umbrellas, and we had sat ourselves under one of them. It was in his arms, in between his soft gentle kisses, in between our hushed conversations about things we didn’t normally talk about, that Uncle Benji came to mind. He noticed the moment I felt the discomfort that arose, and his arms came full circle around me. It didn’t even take a moment for me to relax against him, and without thinking I began to tell him my story. I said the name of a man my father had banned our family from ever saying for the first time this afternoon. I explained how Uncle Benji was my mother’s youngest brother, and how he was considered the black sheep of the family. He was only around 20 when I met him, but then again I was only nine. He was visiting us for the first time, and living in the room beside mine. I remember I used to always laugh at his jokes, he was such an entertainer. He was becoming my favorite uncle, and I didn’t know much about his drug abuse problem to care. I didn’t even know what getting high was at the time, all I ever knew was that my Uncle Benji was really funny. Then one night, he came into my room. He asked me if I wanted to hear a bedtime story, I didn’t understand why he would ask me that since I was already asleep. I let him tell me one anyway, and when I started to laugh he told me to be quiet, that I shouldn’t wake my parents up. I agreed, since my Dad always complained about not getting enough sleep, and I stayed quiet. Then he stopped telling me a story and started kissing me, I felt that it was wrong, but I thought about how Uncle Benji was family and how he’d never do anything wrong to me. Then his hands went into my underwear, and I started to cry, because at first it scared me, but then it began to hurt me. While I was telling Justin all of this, I didn’t realize tears were falling, but could feel his hold tightening around me. I told him how Uncle Benji replaced his finger with a toy of his, I had never seen it before, but it looked exactly like his penis- which he sat rubbing while he forced the toy inside of me. That’s when I began to scream, he hadn’t even gotten all that close with the toy, but I was too scared to let him. My father and mother came into the room, and my father had beat Uncle Benji so bad that I didn’t think he was going to live. In fact, I don’t know if he lived. I never saw him again, and his name was never allowed in our house. I told Justin all this and when I was finished, he just held me. Held me until the tears stopped falling, and the shaking subsided. He held me like he did that day in my office, and for a long time we just sat that way. I think I fell even harder for him, in that moment, in that peace we shared when I opened myself to him and he welcomed me into him. I know it wasn’t what Willow planned for us to do, but I couldn’t help but think how it was so much better.

“ Mamas?” her voice haunted me, it sounded so sad. I could tell from it’s tone that concern and disappointment were edged deep within her. She must have been waiting for at least an hour, and hear it was 3:20 a.m. and I was just getting in. I hadn’t even passed the kitchen, which meant she wasn’t even in the bedroom. I looked over to her, as she clicked on the lamp, and she was seated on the couch. She had at least changed into her night robe, and her eyes looked weary from the day. I knew she was tired, and probably hadn’t planned on coming home to wait up all night for her girlfriend to come home. My heart broke, because I hadn’t even thought of this moment as I giggled and laughed with Willow about Justin. Or even when Justin and I danced so close that it felt he might as well have been deep inside of me. I didn’t even picture this moment, when I spent the last fifteen minutes saying goodbye to Justin, using my hands, and mouth. No, I didn’t picture this.

“ What are you doing up Mimi?” I tried to sound casual, like this was an ordinary occurrence. But we both knew the difference. We could both hear that underlying guily beneath my words.

“Who is it Mamas? Tell me.” She didn’t even look upset, just sad. Like she’d been crying all this time, stopped because I came in, but would cry even more once I told her. I swallowed my words and looked away from her. This wasn’t suppose to even be happening. I hadn’t done enough for life as I’ve known it to be falling apart. They were just kisses, earth shattering kisses, but kisses none the less. Were they enough? Were they enough to completely destroy the life I had with this woman? I just don’t know.

“Mimi…”

“Don’t lie to me. I love you Mamas..don’t lie to me. I know there is someone else.”I looked down, unable to hold eye contact any longer. I felt like such a betrayer, like I had thrown away something worth holding on to. She looked so stricken, so grieved, and I hadn’t even said anything yet. I didn’t have to, my actions were enough. The way I turned from her just last night said it all. How I could come into our home, this odd hour of the night and pretend like nothing had change. Like there was nothing at all, like there was no one at all.

“ Do you love them Mamas?” She choked out the words, and I felt my heart break. I had only kissed him. It was Justin for goodness sake. How could I love him? He was sleeping with my best friend, he had a girlfriend…but when he kissed me I felt like there was no tomorrow, when he touched me my insides quivered, when he spoke my name he filled my heart with so much joy it changed my entire disposition. I couldn’t answer that question. “ Do you love him Mamas?” she repeated, stressing her words. I felt her coming up behind me, and the tears I tried to hide came rushing forth. I couldn’t even look at her, couldn’t even answer. I felt her hand on my back, and her kiss at the nape of neck, and I shuddered. Then it dawned on me, I could no longer tell the difference. I no longer new the reason, I could no longer tell if it was her kisses, or if it was the thought of him that unsettled me.