Chapter 9b
The week didn’t get any better. I still had no "Erica" bag, hadn’t made any move to work on the vastly approaching engagement I had with Justin, and had yet to forget the way his lips felt against mine. I was sickening, absolutely sickening. I’ve managed to feign deep sleep for the past five days whenever Miranda finally made it home, and thus not only was I sexually frustrated but my mind was foregoing mental deconstruction. It was like in the matter of two weeks, I had suddenly gone from someone who used to know herself, to someone who had no idea who she was at all. I hadn’t even thought about some of the things that have been crossing my mind in years, not since I had to have an answer to those puzzling questions that were spewing from my father’s mouth and filling my head. It was no secret that Earl James was completely against his daughter being a lesbian, it was the topic of his everyday conversation until the day he died. For a year, I tried- even at my wit’s end- to convince the man that this- this woman who loved other women- was the person that I had come to be. I wasn’t confused, I wasn’t inexperienced, I was just simply in love. He never understood, told me that I didn’t know what I want partly because I never had anything. My father ruled his household under a strict hand, so he considered himself responsible for my lack in knowledge when it came to love and passion- I hadn’t had a date until Miranda. She was my first, in every way. He saw her as a menacing older woman who forcefully set her wiles onto me until I, the impressionable young adult, gave in. He died thinking that way, locked in his bedroom with only my mother and our pastor. He didn’t want to see me, hadn’t seen me in almost a year, and refused to lay eyes on such a "sin" the day he was to finally lay to rest. It broke my heart, nearly killed my mother, but we got passed it- I got passed it. Ever since that day, I never thought about it. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s driving me inane. I didn’t realize I had started crying until I felt the arm come around my shoulders and the smooth voice whisper against my neck. For a moment I just closed my eyes and let the tears that hadn’t fell since that day two years ago, wash down my face and unto my sheer blouse. I let my head fall into the crevice of the shoulder that suddenly appeared for me to lean on, and for that moment- found consolation in the arms of the person I had yet to even acknowledge stepped into my office.
" Don’t cry Bee..tell me what’s wrong." The voice was soothing, like it belonged in a song, like it had once sang a song I used to hear all the time. It didn’t matter though, I just needed to get these damn tears out. I needed to finally be able to release some of the pent up frustration, the hidden confusion, I had all but mastered over the last two years. This was insane. One person couldn’t make me feel this way, it wasn’t fair. It’s not even a person I particularly like very much, or at least I thought I hadn’t. This same person has me standing in the middle of my office, two weeks after the fact, questioning who I am, thinking about my father, crying on the shoulder of whichever brave soul decided to console me. I looked up, my tear stained eyes widening in horror as I recognized my consoler. It was the same person I couldn’t forget, the same person I’ve been trying to escape..
" Justin?" I croaked out his name and felt the embarrassment wash over my face even before the sound registered in his ears. It took him a moment, but it didn’t take long before the half smirk- in response to my ridiculousness-spread across his lips. His eyes softened and I believe the hold he had around me tightened, and for a moment I relaxed against him. For that lone moment I forgot he was the Justin I hated, the one that paraded around with various women- including my best friend, the one that caused the tears in the first place. Then I remembered.
" What are you doing here?" My voice completely changed from the croaking mess it previously was and settled into a stoic angered tone. His eyes showed his confusion, even more so when I pushed off of him and crossed the room over to my desk. When he came in I was still by my file cabinet, sobbing like a damn baby. It was because he caught me at such a bad time that I even allowed his arms around me in the first place, now that I had my mind he had no permission to touch me.
" Why were you just crying?" his voice still held his concern, and if I view him as the devil’s spawn I might have responded in a gingerly manner. Only I wasn’t fooled by his feign interest, it was probably just one of the tactics he used to get into woman’s panties. He has certainly won the battle with many.
" It’s none of your business. Did we have an appointment?" He looked good. His hair was low, the curls barely turning, but looked soft- so soft that I thought about how good those tendrils would feel running through my hands. His eyes were so fucking piercing, they might as well just dig a whole right through me. He was remarkably handsome, and the fact that he had me thinking so unsettled me to the core.
" No..which is one of the reasons I came.." He paused, his eyes still looking over me like they weren’t completely ready to ignore the previous moment. I closed my own and prayed that he would. I needed him to forget that moment, just like I’m sure he forgot our kiss.
" One of the reasons ?" Why was I talking, I should have kept my mouth closed and let him back himself into a corner. Why was I encouraging any conversation?
" I wanted to say I’m sorry..." I rolled my eyes before he could finish. Just like him to come waltzing into my office, while I’m crying, to apologize about some damn kiss I didn’t even remember. Well..a damn kiss I didn’t want to remember.
" Save it. I’m not sure if you make a habit out of apologizing over forgotten kisses..because I had forgotten until you brought it up, but use your tactics on the little red bimbo..or WHOEVER else it is your fucking these days!" Before the conversation started, I decided that it was best I played the non-partial, uncaring role. It seems that I completely through that logic out of the window, and instead settled on making a complete fool of myself. I hated the way his eyes lowered into a glare, but even more so because they had my insides flopping all over the damn place.
" What the..." he sounded stressed, angered, which was better for me because it meant I wasn’t the only one working off of emotion. " Bryne...I wasn’t talking about the kiss." He let his words settle themselves within me and instantly that burn of embarrassment returned to my cheeks. I felt like a flaming fool! I hope he wasn’t waiting for a response, because I really was at a lost of words, since my actions made it pretty evident that I was clearly thinking about the damn kiss when I said I wasn’t. Damn. Fuck. Shit. We stood there in silence, him looking at me, me looking at the floor. I didn’t know what the next move was, but if I learned anything from this previous lesson, it was that I should keep my mouth shut.
" I was talking about invading your private moment." his voice sounded really forced, like he wasn’t the only one working under the pretense of controlled emotions. It made my heart skip a beat, made me wish my office door hadn’t been closed but thrown open, made my mouth water, made my knees weak. " I’m not sorry I kissed you." It would have been better to have just stayed looking at the floor, but my eyes went straight to him, and my mouth parted making the inaudible sound that escaped it even more pronounced. If the moment wasn’t so intense, I’m sure one of us would have laughed, but nothing about this moment was funny. He began walking closer to me, closing in on the safe distance that was between us. I imagined that I began backing up, but I know my foot didn’t move an inch since the moment he started his descent towards me. I held my breath and waited, waited to see what he was going to do next. When he was finally in front of me, and his presence filled my every sense, he lifted his hand to graze my cheek. I shouldn’t have closed my eyes, but I did, I couldn’t help my reaction to him. I waited to feel his lips on my own again, I wanted to taste him, to feel his hands running through my hair, anything but this distance. Instead I felt his thumb coming across the skin under my eye, his breath mixing with mine.
" I’m not fucking her." I opened my mouth, I had already felt his lips against mine and I wanted him to stop talking and just kiss me. It didn’t matter at that point, and I think I was so far gone that I actually believed him. I opened my eyes and melted inside, he was so fucking gorgeous. " She’s just my friend." His eyes pleaded with me to believe him, his lips still danced on top of mine. He could have told me the pope was coming for dinner and I would have believed him.
" Bryne." he wouldn’t kiss me, his lips just wouldn’t give. I had since closed my eyes and it wasn’t until he called my name a second time that I realized he wanted me to open them. I did, swallowing hard, and stared back into his beautiful blue eyes. " Do you hear me?"
"Yes." I breathed and leaned up to take his mouth into my own. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to. And just like that our lips meshed, and his tongue slid its way into my mouth, and my breath was taken from me. He responded to my need like it was his own, lifting my body to his and then turning so that I was seated on my desk. He nestled himself between my legs and for the first time I felt ‘it’ against me. It was so hard, pressing against my stomach instantly causing my excitement to gush out of me like a fucking wave of wet passion. I never felt so in need! I dipped my head back when his kisses dropped to my neck and hugged him closer to my body, needing to feel his manhood against me. It felt so good, just pressed against me, I can’t even imagine how it would feel all the way inside of me. I never imagined just to kiss him would feel this way, the thought of him making love to me was unfathomable. I was caressing him before I could stop myself, my hand had made it’s way to the seat of his pants and just began to move up and down him. It felt so thick, thicker than those damn toys Miranda always wanted to play with. I was always afraid to let her use one on me, but its amazing how bad I want to feel Justin all within me.
" Bryne..baby..stop." he moved his kisses back to my lips, moved his body away from mine and grabbed my hand before I could stroke him one last time. When he finally released me from his kiss, he just looked at me, still holding my hand, his chest heaving in and out as hard as mine. The look in his eye matched my own confusion, of all the things I expected him to do, I didn’t expect him to pull away- much less stop me. I was disappointed, more than disappointed, I was embarrassed. If he could fuck Belinda, and all the other girls- which I don’t really know if there are any, I just assume because he’s him there is- what was wrong with me?
" Wh..why did you stop?" I hadn’t yet come back to my senses and I was blabbering like a fucking fool, talking when once again I shouldn’t have been. He just looked at me, his breathing finally slowed, but the look in his eye didn’t let up.
" I didn’t want to." he leaned back into me, resting his forehead on mine. I breathed him in, closing my eyes, wishing he was back where he was a moment before, pressing against me. I still hadn’t fallen from my high and my body was still controlling my mind. I kissed his lips softly, once, then twice, and then he opened his mouth to me- deepening the soft kisses I placed alongside his mouth.
" Do you want me?" This person that is talking, she is not me, I have officially left the building and in return a fucking traitorous nymph has taken my place. Even Justin pulled from me, his eyes showing his confusion, but also showing so much more. I couldn’t read him, I didn’t want to recognize what I thought layed just beneath the surface. Instead I wanted a simple answer to my simple question, all the other stuff that came with it could be dealt with later. I just wanted him to answer my basic need. " Justin..Do you want me?"
