Chapter 32

The Power of Good-bye

Present (May)

“I’m just going to open the bottle of wine-” Nicole stopped mid sentence, leaned against the door frame and frowned slightly when her eyes fell on Chase. His back to her, facing the computer. “You better not be doing work.” she warned.

“Just checking my emails before dinner.” Chase answered as he swiveled around in the chair to face her. Nicole gave him a wrinkle of her nose in annoyance. Chase patted his knee in invitation. She fitted against him perfectly, as her arms looped around his neck as she perched on his lap.

“Work will be there tomorrow.” Nicole said. She had managed to get him away from his work for a few hours. They had spent most of the afternoon out on the beach. It had been a perfect afternoon, just Chase, her and the sun. She had wanted a day where neither one thought about school or work, especially him. She was worried about him. Since starting at the firm, he had been working non-stop. It seemed that he spent every waking moment at the office, and it was starting to take a toll on him. He spent half of his time thinking or stressing over his work. It wasn’t healthy.

He closed his eyes for a split second and sighed. “I know. I know.” He opened his eyes back up and locked his eyes with hers. “I’am a workaholic.” he admitted with a small grin.

Nicole felt the familiar flutter in her stomach when he smiled. “The first step is admitting you have a problem.” she answered in a serious tone. “You know... I hear your girlfriend would like to see you a little more often.” she teased.

“Really? She said that?” He asked, playing along.

Nicole nodded. “Yep. She said that if you don’t give her the attention she deserves then she will have to go find it else where.”

“You think she’s serious?” Chase said trying to hide his smile.

“I don’t know.” she replied. “But if I were you, I would do something about it-I mean if you want her around.” giving a small shrug and then tilting her head back to stare at him, putting his lips too close to hers. She watched as he dipped his head that last inch for a kiss. She couldn’t help but smile as his lips finally touched hers. A light moan escaped her lips. God, could he kiss.

When he lifted his head, satisfaction was written all over his face.

Nicole licked her lips as she narrowed her eyes down at him. “What’s that look for?”

Chase shrugged. “What look?” he asked innocently as he rubbed the small of her back.

“Hmm.” was Nicole’s response, as she leaned back in and gave him a peck on the cheek. The annoyance she had been feeling a few moments earlier evaporated. She was happy. He made her happy. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt this way. He had given back the hope that relationships could really mean something. She had opened herself up to him, in ways she had never truly done before. He had broken down walls that no other men in her past had even been able to make dents in. “Except for one.” she reminded herself. She wrinkled her nose at that thought. That relationship was different and separate from all her others.

“Things will get better after this last trip.” Chase promised, breaking her out of her thoughts. “The case will be closed and you will have me back to wait on you hand and foot.” he teased, referring to the trip he had to make tomorrow to Chicago. He had been flying back and forth for 3 months now, working on his first real case.

Nicole grinned. “Good.” At least she got to spend a Saturday alone with him.

When the relationship between her and Chase had began, Nicole couldn’t have imagine that a year and half later, they would still be together. She figured after a few months it would fizzle out, as her past relationships always seem to. But he had surprised her in ways she hadn’t imagine. He stuck around, and was patient. There had been no rush to label the relationship, it had developed at it’s own pace. A perfect example of that was: after 16 months together, neither one had uttered those three little words. Did she care for Chase? Yes, but she wasn’t in love. She learned a long time ago, saying the words “I love you” wasn‘t only about saying them, but feeling it. And in her past relationships, she would say it back because the words were said to her first. And as she got older, she regretted ever saying the words without feeling that emotion.

The only time Nicole had ever truly meant those words was at the age of fifteen, it was the only time it had ever felt genuine and real. It was also ironically when she had been the most naive and blind about love. But she had meant the words. She remembered it clearly. But every time since then, the words were just that: words. She wasn’t going to make the same mistake she had made in the past. She was more than fine with how things were going at the moment.

Were they in a committed relationship? Yes. Did she like being with him, and talking to him? Yes. Did she miss and think about him when he wasn’t around? Yes. But they were doing it their way. Not how everyone else thought it should be. She had lost count of how many times she’d been asked at work when she plan on moving in with him, or any plans of marriage. Her answer was always the same: “We’ll see.”

They were still getting to really know each other. Nicole knew there was things she didn’t know about him. Things that Chase still hasn’t share with her, and Nicole was okay with that. She knew there was sides of him she hadn’t seen yet and there was no rush on her part. If she was meant to see it, then she would.

And even though she had opened up to him, she knew she wasn’t all fully there. And a tiny part of her knew she would never be. Even if she tried, there was always going to be a part of herself she wouldn’t and couldn’t share with another man. She had done it once before-and it had gotten her nowhere. It only caused her pain and resentment. No, it was better this way. She knew deep down it wasn’t fair. He deserved more. But she just couldn’t do it.

She jumped when she felt a poke on her side. She blinked and locked eyes with Chase. “What?” she asked, but knowing she had been caught in her own thoughts.

He gave her a curious look. “You were deep in thought.” he said, his palm resting on the small of her back. “Something you want to share?”

Nicole gave him another kiss on the cheek. She was sure she wasn’t ready to share those thoughts with him. “I was just wondering if you were going to be back in time for graduation.” she said instead.

She was finally graduating! It seemed like this day would never come, but it was finally here and she was so thankful. She hadn’t plan on grad school taking this long, but other things in life had gotten in the way...but all that mattered now was that she was done.

“The ceremony is Thursday afternoon, I should be back by Wednesday night. I will be there.” he promised, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I wouldn’t miss it. This is big deal.”

Nicole nodded in agreement with a serious look on her face. “It kind of is. Yes.” Chase only chuckled. Nicole grinned from ear to ear.

“Your mom flies in when again? Tuesday or Wednesday?”

“Tuesday night.” Nicole answered. “She’s been asking about you...so be warned.” she teased.

“I like your mom.” Chase answered.

Susan had met Chase a few times in the past couple of months, and just like Nicole predicted, her mom had fallen in love with him. Susan had even extended him an invitation home, which Nicole was pretty sure her mother never done before. Susan had made it clear to Nicole, how much she liked Chase for her. Nicole had already heard more than once how relieved Susan felt that her only daughter had found someone who made her happy, who seemed to truly care for her. She had made a comment a few weeks ago, how much calmer Nicole seemed now that Chase was in her life. Nicole still really didn’t understand what that meant...

“She likes you too. Believe me.” Nicole said with a laugh.

“Why is that funny?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What? I’m not laughing-it’s just she’s very fond of you. And she’s never acted this way with any of my ex-boyfriends.” Nicole confessed.

“You must have had some lame boyfriends before me.”

Nicole nodded. “Yes. None compare to you.” she answered sarcastically.

“Are you mocking me?” he asked with a light frown.

Nicole got up from his lap. “No. Why would I do that?” She lead herself and him down the hall and toward her kitchen. “I hope dinner didn’t get cold.” She let out a small yelp when his arms wrapped around her waist.

“I leave tomorrow morning.” Chase murmured into her ear. He had her back pressed to his chest.

“Yeah, I know. I’m driving you to the airport remember?”

“Then we should start saying goodbye right now.”

“I’m hungry Chase.” she said with a small grin on her lips. “Starving.” But as the words left her mouth, Chase lead them toward her bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 days later...

Nicole walked toward the front door as the doorbell ranged again. She frowned to herself. “I’m coming.” she called out. Rachael could be so damn impatient sometimes. She got to the door, placed her hand on the knob, ready to give Rachael an earful. She opened the door and blinked in surprise when she realized it was Justin who stood on the other side of the threshold, a small grin on his handsome face.

It faded slightly, as his eyes wondered over her. “You didn’t have dress up for me.” he teased.

Nicole glanced down at her attire, she was in a pair of gray poly fleece pants, and in her favorite red hooded sweater, that ironically once belonged to Justin. She wrinkled her nose at him and ignored the comment and asked. “Where’s Rachael?” stepping aside to let him in the house.

Justin snorted. “Nice to see you too sweetheart. Rach got called back into the office as she was getting ready to come this way. She was going to come by here first and then go back to the other side of town. I told her I would do her the favor and drop by instead.”

Graduation was 3 days away, and she hadn’t found anything in her closet she wanted to wear. Rachael and her had gone shopping the day before and hadn’t found anything. Rachael had texted her later that night and told her she would drop by a few outfits she had in her closet the next day, maybe there was something in her closet she could wear. “Why didn’t she call? Graduation isn’t for another 3 days, I could have picked them up or she could have dropped them off tomorrow.”

“She did call- but it went straight to voicemail.” Justin said, as his gaze fell unto the big bay window a few feet away. The ocean starring back at him. Nicole felt a small smile tug on lips despite her mood. Justin had only been inside the house once before since the finish remodel and it had been for only a few minutes. Nicole couldn’t be more happy with the final results of the house. He spoke again. “And you wanted to sell it.” he reminded with a shake of his head in disgust.

Nicole rolled her eyes and shut the front door. But deep down she was glad things had gotten back to normal between them, especially after what transpired 7 months ago in Memphis. Even after all this time, Nicole still wasn’t sure how it happened. All she knew was that it had. One moment they had been sitting, and talking, and the next moment they were lost in each others; kissing and touching. She was sure things would have gotten out of hand if they had not been interrupted by the rain. So they ran back to the pick-up-hand in hand- once inside Nicole had expected the ride back to be awkward, but in fact, it had felt quite the opposite. There had been a sense of calmness between them. She had glanced over at him as he drove, one hand on the wheel, while the other hand had rested on her thigh. Neither one had said a word, they realized there was no need to discuss anything.

They had accepted what they had done, and it hadn’t been brought up since then. In fact, they acted as if it never happened. They both knew it was no use talking about it. They had tried talking and in reality it lead nowhere. So the best thing to do was move on from it and let it go. She had felt as if she had left that part of herself at creek that night. In a way she knew it was last time they would allow themselves to do what they did. And when Nicole had leaned in and gently brushed her lips one last time against his- before getting out of the truck-she knew Justin felt the same way.

She looked over at him, Justin stood a few feet away, narrowing his eyes down at her. “Why are you looking at me that way?” Nicole asked, feeling a bit exposed. She knew he could sense something was going on. She hated that he could do that.

“It’s 4 in the afternoon, and you’re still in pj’s.” Justin observed. “You haven’t even left the house today.” It was more of a statement than a question.

“These are not pajamas.” Nicole said defensively, folding her arms across her chest. These were her-having-a-moody-day-clothes. “And can’t I lounge around my house?” she snapped, as she walked toward the kitchen. She was in the middle of making an early dinner, when the doorbell had ranged.

Justin followed and said after her. “You should be out celebrating your graduation.”

Nicole stood in front of the oven by then, but turned around and faced Justin. “Graduation isn’t for another 3 days-”

“Yeah and you think you would be happy about it.” As he spoke, she bent down and opened the oven door to check on the pieces of lemon chicken she had roasting. There was a few moments of silence before she heard him say. “You want to talk about it?” Nicole froze for a split second at his words, but pretended the words didn’t have any affect as she closed the oven door and stood back up. She turned back around and faced him. He stood there, looking at her, as if trying to read her thoughts.

Nicole leaned against the edge of the cabinet and stared back. “Talk about what?” Her gaze not wavering.

“About whatever you want.” Justin answered with a shrug. She gave him a long look, but did not say a word. After a few moments, she broke the gaze and looked over his shoulder and out of the window, starring at the waves for a few seconds. It was as if Justin knew better than to push and quickly asked. “Do you want to help me with the stuff? I think Rachael shoved her whole damn closet in the back of the car.”

Nicole knew that was his way of dropping the question. So she nodded and answered. “Yeah, of course.” as she followed him to the front door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin stood up at the same time Nicole did. “I can do the dishes.” he offered.

Nicole walked toward the sink, hers and his empty plates in her hands. “It’s okay.” she said to him over her shoulder with a small smile. “I got it.”

“Yeah, but you made dinner. It’s the least I can do.” Justin insisted, as he followed her toward the sink. “Nicole-”

She was at the sink by then, she turned and faced him. “Justin.” she mocked in a serious tone.

After helping him take out the outfits Rachael had picked out for her out of the car. Nicole found herself asking him to stay for dinner, and it wasn’t because she felt force to do so because he brought over the clothes. No, it was because she realized they hadn’t really hanged out in weeks, months in seemed. She had expected him to turn down her invitation since they hadn’t been alone in months, but instead he had looked her straight in the eyes, a small smile on his lips as he answered with a simple “Sure.”

For whatever reason, Nicole had felt a sense of relief run through her at his response. And as he helped her with dinner, they had talked. And as they ate, they talked. They took turns. She talked about graduation, and her job. She had even talked to him about Chase. He told her about all the projects he was working on. He talked about Jessica as well, and how things between them were a lot better.

It had felt good to just talk to him as her best friend. It made her forget- at least for few hours-about how she was truly feeling. It felt good to sit across from him and have a meaningful conversation. She was always surprise on how they could start talking about something so simple as a book, and it progress from there. Nicole never realized how much she craved and missed those types of conversations with him. She loved hearing his thoughts and ideas and she liked sharing her own with him.

“I didn‘t do it all by myself. You helped.” she reminded and put the plates in the sink. And then of course they could bicker like no other. “Stop being such a stubborn ass.” she teased. He had helped with the salad, and mash potatoes.

He stood next to her by then and glared. “You’re being a stubborn ass.” nudging her on the side. “You just don’t think my washing skills are up to your standards.” He said in hurt voice.

Nicole rolled her eyes as she turned the faucet on and filled the sink with water and added dish soap. “You are such a child.” She gave him a side way glance with frown, yet couldn’t help but think how good he looked with his 5 o’clock shadow and curls. It had been about 2 months ago since he shaved it all off. She blinked, and gazed out of the window instead. The sun was beginning to set. She had to stop thinking about him that way. She shut the faucet and reached for the sponge. Justin still stood next to her, and he handed her a dirty plate from the other side of the sink. Nicole took the plate and looked back over at him with an amused look.

Justin narrowed his eyes. “It’s better than just standing here and doing nothing.” he said. “I’ll hand them to you and you can rinse them.”

“J-it’s not a big deal-”

He interrupted her with a raised eyebrow. “Are we really going to continue arguing about this?”

Nicole shut her mouth and pouted. After a few moments of silence she spoke up again. “You started it.” Unable to control her mouth. She heard Justin chuckle lightly. “What so funny?”

He shook his head as he handed her another plate. “You always have to have the last word.”

“So?” she said, but grinned despite herself as she rinsed the plate.

Justin splashed a few droplets water in her direction. “Smart ass.”

Nicole let out a small squeak, and quickly jumped back, glaring. A sudden feeling of appreciation consuming her, for him being there with her. The beginning of the day had not started off well. She had taken the week off at work for graduation. She had planned on going out and getting a few errands done before Susan arrived the next day. She had gotten out of bed and made her way to the kitchen before she showered and dressed. But the longer she sat with her cup of coffee, the more she wanted to crawl back into bed, so she had. Everyone had their bad days, and today was hers. But even on days like these, Nicole wasn’t the type to crawl into bed and pretend the world didn‘t exist, she was the type that sucked it up and got on with her daily routine, but for some reason she hadn’t been able to do that today. She had gotten out of bed to shower and changed a hour and half before Justin had shown up. She probably would have stayed in bed if she hadn’t been expecting company.

“When does Susan get here?” he asked, breaking her out of her thoughts.

Nicole took the salad bowl out of his hand and replied. “Tomorrow night.” They stood in silence for a few moments. “I think she’s more excited about it than I am.” Nicole said, breaking the silence. She turned and face him. “I can already see her in the stands...” she gave a small groan. “Oh god.”

Justin snorted his laughter. “It wont be that bad-” he stopped abruptly.

“What?”

“Then again- Mom will be there to join in.” he gave a serious look. She stuck her tongue out at him. Justin tossed his head back and laughed. “C’mon Nic, this is a big deal. Let us enjoy it.”

“Us?” Nicole repeated.

He nodded. “Yeah. We’ve all been waiting for this moment. Our little girl is growing up.” he said in a mocking tone.

“Shut up.” she said with a grin and splashed water in his direction. He glared. “Don’t look at me that way. I didn’t get you wet.” she informed him. But her mind was already forming ideas on how to do so. She saw the sprayer...

“Don’t do it.” she heard Justin warned before she had the chance to grab it.

Nicole looked up at him innocently. “What are you talking about?” Instead she turned the faucet on.

“Don’t give me that shit.” Justin snapped. “I saw where your hand was reaching for.” He nodded to the still dirty dishes in the sink. “Let’s finish this.” he stated.

Nicole raised an eyebrow. “Who made you boss of me?” But before Justin had a chance to respond or blink, she had grabbed the sprayer and pointed it in his direction. “Answer the question Timberlake!” she demanded with a grin.

Justin had his hands up in the air with a look that could kill. “I swear you fucking spray that and you will pay Nicole.” She saw a faint hint of a smile on his face. “Drop it.” he said.

She gave a small shake of her head. “Right. I drop it and then you grab it. Nice-” she didn’t finish, instead she let out a small scream. Justin had gotten the sprayer out of her hand, and had it pointed at her. “Justin.” she warned.

“Ohh. Not so high and mighty now.” he teased. Unlike her, he didn’t hesitate, and the next thing she knew she was yelling for him to stop as he sprayed her with water. Nicole laughed as she ducked and opened the fridge, trying to find something in there to hit him with. She hid behind the door as she reached for a bottled water. She looked down at herself, the front of her sweater was completely soaked.

“You should have done it when you had the chance.” Justin said with a laugh.

She took the cap off the bottle. “That was not fair.” she whined as she got herself ready to shut the fridge door and pour the water on him. She had the perfect spot for it too.

“What are you going to do? Stand behind that door all night.”

“Truce?”

Justin sighed as if debating, but said. “Truce.”

Nicole put the bottle behind her back, and shut the fridge door with her free hand. They stood a few feet away. Justin still had the sprayer in his hand, but had it lowered. He laughed again when he saw her sweater. Nicole didn’t say a word, instead she tossed the water in the bottle in his direction. But he was too quick and the water missed him, and hit the floor instead.

Justin pointed the sprayer at her again. Nicole raised her hands up in defense. “Okay! I’m done! You win!” she exclaimed, trying to hide the smile from her face. “Jerk.” she said muttered loud enough for him to hear her.

“What was that?” Justin asked with a raised eyebrow, ready to attack again.

“Nothing.” she answered with an innocent smile. She glanced once more at her herself and frowned. “Thanks. This is my favorite sweater.”

“Isn’t that my sweater?” the sprayer down at his side.

“And your point is?” she asked.

“The point is: it was mine and it was stolen.” he told her, the sprayer back up and pointed at her. A smile on his face.

Nicole rolled her eyes. “I’ve been wearing it for years now, and you just noticed?” She glanced around her kitchen floor, and wrinkled her nose. “I’m going to go change.” she pointed a finger at him. “And since you made the mess, you can clean it up.” she stated with a grin from ear to ear. She squealed as he sprayed her again with water. “Justin!” she shouted, the grin disappearing from her face.

Justin grinned wickedly at her. “Keep talking.” he retorted.

Nicole glared, stuck her tongue out, and quickly left the kitchen before he sprayed her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nicole turned the light in her closet on before stepping inside. She glanced down at herself and wrinkled her nose, the whole front of her sweater was soaked, along with her hair. She should have known things would get out of hand with him. He always had to come out winning. She looked back up and began rummaging through her clean clothes. She stopped for a split second when her fingertips touched the fabric of her graduation gown. She gave it a once over and felt a small pang in her chest. Her hand softly touched the material as a mixture of relief, happiness, sadness and anger ran through her.

She moved her hand away from the gown, and reached out for the hanger next to it instead. She took the blue tank top of it’s hanger and walked back out of the closest. She knew Justin was right. This should be a week of celebration for her academic achievements-and she had been feeling that way. Until this morning-when she realized this was another big moment in her life, and her father would not be here to be part of it.

She stood in front of her dresser and grabbed a dry bra before walking into the dim bathroom. She placed the clean clothes on the counter, and glanced up at herself through the mirror, trying her best to keep the sadness and anger buried deep inside. Nicole knew this was not the time to be feeling that way, but she couldn’t control it. It had been as if a bucket of ice water had been thrown at her that morning, reminding her of what was missing her life.

She took in a shaky breath and undressed, as she fought the urge of grief ready to spill over again from this morning. In the past few hours, she had been able to hold it in, had been able to push those emotions aside. Justin had been the cause of that. He had been the distraction in keeping her from crawling back into bed for the rest of the afternoon. She finished changing and glanced once more at her reflection, and swallowed the lump in her throat. How was it that after all these years the pain of loosing him was still too real? Wasn’t it supposed to get easier? Instead, the more years past by, the harder it seemed.

Nicole blinked back the tears, and felt the pang deep in her chest once again. She glanced away from her reflection and reached for the wet clothes on the counter. She didn’t want to do this right now, if she did, she wasn’t sure she would be able to stop. For whatever reason, today was harder than most days.

Things weren’t supposed to be this way. He should be flying in tomorrow with Susan to celebrate this moment with her. Instead Nicole felt anger towards him for leaving her and her mother. How was this fair? She wiped back the tears with the back of her hand. Why had it been her dad? Why? She asked herself that question everyday. Because not a day went by when she didn’t think about him. There wasn’t a day in where she didn’t wondered how different life would have been if he was still alive.

She placed the clothes back on the counter when she saw her tear stricken face in the mirror. Nicole rested her hands on the edge of the sink and sobbed silently in the dim-lit bathroom for a few moments, trying to get it out of her system before she walked back out. She brought her shaky hands up to her face and wiped away the tears, not wanting Justin to see her this way. She gave her reflection a once over and frowned. Great, her eyes were now puffy and red. She sucked in a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom, rubbing her eyes with her hands as if that would help make the puffiness go away.

Nicole moved her hands away from her face, and came to a halt when she saw Justin standing by the bedroom door. He didn’t say a word, he only stood there with his blue orbs studying her. She met his gaze with what she knew were her puffy eyes and realized then why he was there. Why he had volunteered to drop of the clothes for Rachael.

She heard the sound of the crushing waves outside her window as she blinked back more tears. She met his gaze once more, and found herself wishing he would just hold her and tell her things would be okay. She didn’t want be alone. And as if reading her mind, he walked toward her, without saying a single word, Justin wrapped his arms tightly around her. Nicole closed her eyes tight and buried her face in his chest as a sob escaped her lips. She wanted him to never let her go.

They stood that way for awhile. Nicole heard him whispered into her hair. “It‘s okay.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” she murmured into his chest, her voice cracking. “This was supposed to get easier as time went by...” she trailed off and looked up at him. “He should be here with Mom and with me.” She suddenly broke from Justin’s embrace and wiped away more tears with the back of her hand. She sat on the edge of the bed, and glanced back out of the window as she took in a shaky breath. “I was fine...and suddenly it hit me this morning...” she admitted. “And I found myself in bed-crying.”

“Nic...” he started as he crouch in front of her, and placed a hand on her thigh.

She looked down and met his eyes, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I guess it just hit me that this is another moment in my life he won’t be here to share with.” Her voice breaking once again. She took in another shaky breath. “There’s always this empty feeling deep inside...” she whispered, blinking rapidly to keep the tears inside.

“Baby...” he whispered, and pressed his forehead to hers.

Nicole sniffed and shut her eyes tight, but couldn’t control the sob that left her lips. She brought a hand back up and wiped away the tears. She felt Justin move her hand away with his. She opened eyes back up and was met with the warmth of his blue eyes. “Why is this so hard?” she whispered. Justin moved his face so that their mouths were inches apart.

“I don’t know.” Justin answered honestly. “But if I could make the pain you’re feeling right now go away I would.” he said hoarsely. He brought one hand up to her cheek and wiped away the rest of the tears. “I wish I could fix this for you...” his own voice cracking.

She looked at him and felt her heart squeeze. She wanted to be comforted. She wanted to be held. He must have sensed it because she felt his hand rub the small of her back and before she even realized what she was doing, Nicole wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in the hollow of his neck as she once again cried silently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin watched intently the waves crash against each other through the large bay window. The sun had set and the moon was out in full force. He had turned on the small lamp next to him. He yawned before he glanced down at his watch. It wasn’t even 11 pm. He placed the empty glass of water on the coffee table in front of him, and leaned back against the comfortable white couch. His eyes fixated on the view out in front of him. He had been sitting alone in Nicole’s living room for the past hour, lost in his thoughts while she still slept.

He felt a small pang in his chest when he thought of Nicole’s tear stricken face. He had held her in his arms for a long time as she silently cried, and then later they ended falling asleep on her bed. He hated that he couldn’t make her feel better. He hated he couldn’t make the pain she felt for losing her father disappear. He hated that he felt so useless. Because he knew all the talking in the world could not change the events from the past.

He continued to watch the waves. He knew something was off the moment she opened the door and he laid eyes on her. The look on her face had been familiar, but it wasn’t a look he was used to seeing on her pretty face. She had looked in a way...sad and like she‘d been crying. His first thought had been that she’d had a fight with Chase. But as he watched her through dinner, he realized it was something more, and as the subject of graduation came up, Justin slowly began to put the pieces together. But decided against bringing it up. Justin knew Nicole rarely liked to talk about her dad. And when she did talk about it-she was the one who brought it up.

And maybe that’s why he had volunteered to drop off the clothes for Rachael...because deep down he knew this moment was going to happen and knew she would close herself off from everyone. She always hated pity. She always put up a front with others when it came to the death of her dad. Justin was the only one who could ever really get her to put down those walls-at least for a little awhile.

Justin blinked back to the present and glanced around the open living room. A small smile tugged at his lips as his eyes wondered around his surroundings. She really had done a good job with the place. Nicole had talked about owning a place by ocean since they were kids. There were large bay windows to showcast the beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean and coastal cottage furniture pieces. It was her little piece of heaven, and Justin couldn’t be more happy for her. It had taken a bit longer than what she had expected, but he knew in the long run it was worth it. Her dream of living by the ocean had finally come true.

He chuckled to himself. He loved hearing her talk about it. He loved how her face would light up whenever she told him about her plans. He felt his heart squeeze as he thought about one of the last conversations they had shared a few years back...before Jessica and Chase. They had been sitting in his living room watching late night TV on one of his off days, and the subject had come up for some reason, and he remembered jokingly asking if there was going to be room for him in her new home. She had leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek as she had answered: “I’ll make an extra key.”

He sighed. That was years ago, when a second chance seemed possible...

When he thought he would finally make up for hurting her when they had been kids. The familiar sense of regret and disappointment filled his stomach as he realized the second chance had been lost, partly due to him...

Justin got up from the couch and walked closer to the window. He was happy with how things were going in his life now. He had learned to live with it and accept it. And he had been good at it until recently. In the past couple of months it had become a bit harder to live with. Because he couldn’t help but wonder how different things could have been. He was thankful and loved Jessica, but there was still a little part of his heart that still wondered if a second chance was still possible. He shook his head. He was crazy. There was a reason why it hadn’t happen. He just wished he knew what it was.

Even if at times he found himself losing control...

The perfect example of that would be the night in back in Memphis. He hadn’t been able to control himself and before he knew it- had acted without thinking. Obviously there was a physical attraction between them, but that night at the lake, it had been different. It had gone beyond the physical. It felt good to hold and kiss her. It had felt right. But at the same time wrong. Because things were not that simple. Because regardless of what his heart was telling him, he knew the consequences. They both knew the consequences.

But a hint of regret still stirred in him. The regret of not fighting harder 5 years ago to keep her. The regret he’d been living with for half of his life when he let her go the first time. The regret of not being able to tell her the things he should have said long ago.

“Justin?” he turned to the sound of her soft voice. She stood behind the couch, a light blanket wrapped around her whole body, puffy-eyed from sleep and tousled haired. “Is everything okay?” she asked and walked around the couch to sit where he had been sitting a few minutes before.

He smiled at the sight of her. After all these years she was still able to stir something deep within him. He nodded. “Yeah. I was thirsty.” he answered pointing to the empty glass on the coffee table. He watched her bring a hand up to her mouth as she yawned. She looked in a better mood than a few hours ago. “I didn’t mean to wake you-”

Nicole looked up at him and shook her head. “You didn’t.”

Justin gave her a small nod, but didn’t say a word.

“What’s wrong?” Nicole asked.

“Nothing.” he answered quickly.

“Fine.” Nicole started. “But just in case you’ve forgotten I know you pretty well too Timberlake.” He looked away from the window and met her gaze, a small smile on his lips. Nicole smiled back. But Justin didn’t answer. After a few moments of silence, Nicole spoke up again. “If you need to leave-”

Justin gave her a curious look and interrupted. “Do you want me to?”

“Do you need to?” she whispered.

“No, I don’t need to.” He shook his head and repeated. “Do you want me to?” He knew sometimes all she needed was a few hours to reflect. She would be okay. And Justin knew sometimes she needed some time alone, and he was willing to give it to her, if that’s what she wanted.

Nicole locked eyes with him. “If you want to stay...”

“I can stay Nicky. I don’t mind.” he said earnestly. He walked toward the other end of the couch and sat down. Truth was, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay here with her. The sudden urge to protect her consuming him. There was so much he wanted to say to her. But Justin wasn’t sure if this was the time. Or if he had the right to.

Neither one spoke for a few minutes, they sat a few feet apart watching the waves outside the window crash against each other. Justin glanced over at her, and caught her wiping away a few tears with the back of her hand.

She met his gaze, and gave a small shrug. “I just have to get it out of my system before Mom gets here tomorrow.” she said to him.

Justin got up from his side of the couch and sat down next to her. He reached out for her hand. “I’m pretty sure Susan wouldn’t mind. She is your mother after all.” he reminded.

“I know...but I just rather not have her see me this way.” she answered truthfully.

“You are so stubborn.” he murmured as he let go of her hand. They both laughed in spite of the moment. The room grew silent once again. Justin spoke up first. “He’s proud of you. You have to know that.” She looked at him but didn’t say a word. “I’m proud of you too.” he found himself saying.

“Thanks J.” she said hoarsely, her eyes gazing out the window again. She leaned back against the couch, the blanket down to her waist, as she reached out for his hand next to her leg and gave it a light squeeze. Justin didn’t give her a chance to move it away, he tangled his fingers with hers. She glanced down at their intertwined fingers and then up at him. “Justin...didn’t we-”

“I keep telling myself I’ll get over this.” he started. “And I keep asking myself why it’s so hard this time. Why I cant just let go of it like we’ve done so many times before.” He paused for a split second, trying to collect his thoughts. “And it’s because I regret it Nicole.”

“You regret what?”

“Not fighting harder for you.”

Nicole pulled her hand away from him. “That was 5 years ago.” she murmured. “I know things haven’t necessarily been smooth between us in the past couple of months...” she trailed off. “J-we can’t change that. I’m not asking you to change the past.” she searched his eyes, as if trying to find the answer to why he was bringing this up.

“Don’t you ever wonder-”

“Of course I do.” she kept her gaze on him. “I’m not exactly the easiest person to break down.. I know I didn’t make it easy either.” she whispered with a small smile.

Justin smiled back. “I’m glad we both agree your stubborn.”

Nicole narrowed her eyes at him. “I never said I was stubborn.” He gave a light chuckle. She continued. “But I wasn’t going to force you to stay with me.” she looked at him through her lashes. “How fair would that have been to you and to me?”

“You would not have been forcing me to do anything Nicole. You know that. I know I‘ve fucked up plenty of times.” he said hoarsely, leaning back against the couch.

“It’s in the past Justin...” she said, and got up from the couch. She walked and stood in the same spot he had been.

“Is it?” he questioned. “For how long?” he pushed. “Because despite everything I think about it. I find myself getting lost in the ‘what if’ game.” he stopped for moment, and glanced away from her. “I love her. I do.” he said referring to Jessica. He glanced back at her, and expected her to interrupt him and demand where all this was coming from, but Nicole stood in the same spot, watching him carefully. “But it doesn’t change the fact that I know I could have tried harder. Five years ago, 14 years ago...” Justin confessed.

Nicole made her way back to the couch and sat down. They locked eyes once again, neither one saying a single word. He knew right then things weren’t going to change anytime soon. But he stretched one arm out, and she slid closer. He placed one arm around her shoulder, while she wrapped her arm around his waist, and snuggled to him, her cheek pressed against his chest.

There wasn’t anything physical or sexual about the moment, it just was. And he sensed that left both of them with more confused feelings than ever before.

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